#life has always seemed like a video game where i gotta choose the correct dialogue boxes

[chickencowcow]

Vent under da cut or smth

Every now and again I get so brutally reminded of the fact that whatever I do I will never feel "autistic" enough. And it's like whatever sure I have autism I'll always have it and it's not like I hate myself for having autism or anything it's just. Somehow I managed to absorb so many neurotypical habits that make it so much more difficult to communicate with ANYONE. I'm too. Fucking. Off-putting for neurotypical people and I'm too. Complicated for autistic ppl.

Like the whole thing ab ragging on "neurotypicals not saying what they mean" -- those rules make Sense to me! The social customs of like. Not saying when you're mad but wanting the other person to pick up on it bc you don't rlly wanna talk about the issue it's like. I get it. Mostly from the perspective of like "if I say I'm mad people will either get mad at me For that or want to Talk about it and I want neither of those" and. Like. It's so often that these rules are called stupid but like. They Make Sense to me. Sure maybe that's masking but like. At this point it's so much more to "unmask"

Also somehow some way I manage to talk ab my special interests in a way that either annoys, bores, or like. Disturbs people. And it's like. I don't know what im doing. Wrong. Ppl in my friend group seem to get it right. I mean I've gotten the "you always wanna talk about that why are you so self centered" from neurotypicals but I've also gotten a lot of "oh of course it's that when isn't it that" from autistic friends.

Idk. I just feel like I'm doing so much wrong and that I'm not. Idk. "Good" enough. I'm tired