#like 0h 0kay. im normal about that.

[irrealisms]

when i said i would have deranged rant abt c!zam yesterday i thought i was going to have derangements abt s4 zam. and that wasnt entirely false i am also having derangements about s4 zam but im also having derangements about s3 (just rewatched the finale with some friends and remembered why zam's s3 finale was the video that made me go Oh. i CARE about lifesteal now huh)

anyway i'm thinking about s3 finale era zam showing up to meet with spoke ready for a fight. his inventory full of gapples and cobwebs and potions. eighteen hearts. and he uses them! he throws regen on spoke and he puts cobwebs beneath spoke so spoke can't kill himself by jumping off the mountain and he throws spoke two hearts and gapples and begs him to use them. i'm thinking about, after spoke comes back, zam spawntrapped. refusing to give up, hitting spoke over and over again with a stone axe that does nothing as spoke kills him over and over. i'm thinking about spoke, a bit earlier, saying: doesn't this sound familiar? and he's talking about zam's own suicide-by-execution after the fall of the princezam empire, and he's not wrong, but his words also echo into their future, into s4: vitalasy in the end base, putting subz in cobwebs, throwing him hearts and gapples, begging him not to kill himself; zam with a stone sword, hitting roshambo over and over. i'm thinking about spoke, even earlier than that: lifesteal works in cycles. because it does, doesn't it? it's all the same thing. they're not the same people but also they kind of are. thinking about zam yelling i ruined it! it's all my fault! if anyone should be banned, it should be me! because he's the same person as the one who banned himself earlier in s3, the same person who almost banned himself twice in s4. because even though spoke's his enemy spoke's also his friend and he doesn't want spoke to die. he brought stuff to kill spoke but he doesn't want to ban spoke, doesn't want spoke to kill himself. he's trying to save the server from getting banned (even his enemies) and spoke is trying to ban the server (even himself). in voiceover in his video zam says "i couldn't save spoke." he couldn't save spoke. he tried to save spoke. his enemy! his enemy who spawnkills him twice in the same video! zam couldn't save him. spoke asking why zam is still trying. but zam has to save things just like spoke has to destroy things. zam can't give up because he just-- can't, it's not his nature, across seasons and servers zam Does Not Give Up. even when it kills him. maybe especially when it kills him. i keep coming back to the cobwebs and the gapples and the regen pots. he brought them to kill spoke and he's trying to use them to save spoke's life. MAN. man! in conclusion. sorry for being stuck on a thing that happened in s3. as if it's my fault