#the visual of it is so . idk it stood out to me. Physically Preventing someone from killing themselves....ouggh

[irrealisms]

when i said i would have deranged rant abt c!zam yesterday i thought i was going to have derangements abt s4 zam. and that wasnt entirely false i am also having derangements about s4 zam but im also having derangements about s3 (just rewatched the finale with some friends and remembered why zam's s3 finale was the video that made me go Oh. i CARE about lifesteal now huh)

anyway i'm thinking about s3 finale era zam showing up to meet with spoke ready for a fight. his inventory full of gapples and cobwebs and potions. eighteen hearts. and he uses them! he throws regen on spoke and he puts cobwebs beneath spoke so spoke can't kill himself by jumping off the mountain and he throws spoke two hearts and gapples and begs him to use them. i'm thinking about, after spoke comes back, zam spawntrapped. refusing to give up, hitting spoke over and over again with a stone axe that does nothing as spoke kills him over and over. i'm thinking about spoke, a bit earlier, saying: doesn't this sound familiar? and he's talking about zam's own suicide-by-execution after the fall of the princezam empire, and he's not wrong, but his words also echo into their future, into s4: vitalasy in the end base, putting subz in cobwebs, throwing him hearts and gapples, begging him not to kill himself; zam with a stone sword, hitting roshambo over and over. i'm thinking about spoke, even earlier than that: lifesteal works in cycles. because it does, doesn't it? it's all the same thing. they're not the same people but also they kind of are. thinking about zam yelling i ruined it! it's all my fault! if anyone should be banned, it should be me! because he's the same person as the one who banned himself earlier in s3, the same person who almost banned himself twice in s4. because even though spoke's his enemy spoke's also his friend and he doesn't want spoke to die. he brought stuff to kill spoke but he doesn't want to ban spoke, doesn't want spoke to kill himself. he's trying to save the server from getting banned (even his enemies) and spoke is trying to ban the server (even himself). in voiceover in his video zam says "i couldn't save spoke." he couldn't save spoke. he tried to save spoke. his enemy! his enemy who spawnkills him twice in the same video! zam couldn't save him. spoke asking why zam is still trying. but zam has to save things just like spoke has to destroy things. zam can't give up because he just-- can't, it's not his nature, across seasons and servers zam Does Not Give Up. even when it kills him. maybe especially when it kills him. i keep coming back to the cobwebs and the gapples and the regen pots. he brought them to kill spoke and he's trying to use them to save spoke's life. MAN. man! in conclusion. sorry for being stuck on a thing that happened in s3. as if it's my fault

[spirits-metaphysics-witchcraft]

5.11.19

⚪️ failed sigil last night. was thinking about it too much. or at least, if it did work, i can’t remember it now.

⚪️ found a way that i could start experimenting with sigils seen by the public but i need to research just a bit more.

⚪️ woke up to being in a i’m-ready-to-astral-project state. my body was completely buzzing. i just layed there and decided to grow a pair and just do it finally. so, i let myself do her thing. quickly, i was getting deeper and deeper in the experiences of pre-flight. then i decided to get involved to help it even more. i changed my breathing and went even deeper.

though i was seeing results and i got into a space i usually don’t let myself go in (not to mention i wasn’t as scared), something was preventing me from actually leaving my body. i’m not sure what. i tried a handful of different techniques to actually slip out but none seemed to work.

i think i needed to go into an even deeper state? not sure. we’ll see next time.

⚪️ meditated from 10:38am-10:52am

planned on only a simple 10 minute meditation but it got a lil weird.

it’s real easy for me to sit still during meditation so that’s no problem. the main concern was getting “Don’t Stop Me Now” out of my head. It was playing against my will on repeat in the back of my mind. for some reason, it was actually extremely difficult to touch it.

nonetheless, the meditation went smoothly. surprised it actually went so well after not having meditated specifically to clear my mind in a long time.

actually, during the meditation, my self kept trying to leave to somewhere else- to some other plane. every time i managed to clear my mind and just breathe, my self kept trying to lead me out of my body. damn, self, chill.

when i opened my eyes at the end of the session, everything felt weird. My body had a thin layer of paralysis covering it, like a blanket. But it only went up to about my shoulders. Shoulders and upwards, i felt normal. I felt connected to myself like i would usually throughput the day. But... Everything else felt so off- like i was just almost completely tethered off the physical plane- that i wondered if i was actually experiencing and OBE. I wasn’t, but my vibes were so high that i almost felt surreal.

after i left the session and grounded a bit, i actually felt the most connected to myself- my true personality, my emotions- than i have in a while. i felt connected back to the Mass Energies that i’ve missed for so long. i felt purely beautiful inside myself again after so long.

⚪️ honestly, need to breathe rn while also restructuring my path. going back to the beginning in the craft while working out traumas and blockages in therapy. gonna work through the psychonaught and record my experiences.

goals: meditation 1x per day at least (for clear mind or for lip visualization). lucid dream.

obviously, i have other works being planned outside psychonuaght, but i wanna focus on strengthening my basics.

⚪️ was at the house of a family friend. a daughter in their family died friday. i was playing music and singing for the family tonight and i closed my eyes when doing so. could’ve sworn someone in the room walked up and stood next to me, but when i opened my eyes, no one was there. may she rest in peace.

⚪️ posted sigil on here today. honestly idk how i’m gonna record results except by asking people who see it, but at the same time, i don’t really feel adamant on finding out. the sigil was just something that was done in the moment. my intuition suddenly spoke to me and helped me make it.

plus, i plan on doing more. i gotta research a bit on the function of doing this and what to expect and yadda yadda. then i’ll do more works for learning and data purposes

⚪️ also, mini fairy ring in my front yard