#like Home home not a fucking hotel. ive been sick from this trip since maybe day 3 and it only gets worse

[sol-flo]

we're hiring! here at [redacted] we receive thousands of people from all over the world, every day! which is why we're looking for people who speak multiple languages, and are always ready to be unhelpful and insensitive!

[phytolacca-a]

A Writeup on My Experience w/ PGM IV 1227 - 64

I went to edit the original writeup and when I did the writeup deleted. Anyways, disclaimers: I made a few stupid mistakes during the course of this event, each of which I’ll mention. I acknowledge they were stupid, “rookie mistakes” I guess. Also, this is my first magical writeup along with one of the first spells I’ve done as I’m new.

Exorcism: PGM IV 1227 - 64 on Friday, October 25th, 2019

Background: I have a doll which had been inhabited by an external, malicious spirit. With the help of someone I know, we figured out that the spirit had a plan to gain my trust so that it could fuck me up after. I separated the doll from the rest and tied up the mouth and nose with a cloth to symbolically stop it from breathing. As it found out I realized what it was trying to do and was intending to get rid of it, from then to when I tied it up it had given me sharp pains and burning sensations on my limbs; neither of which bothered me. It sat in its corner until I found an exorcism I could comfortably do. A little after, it had heard me thinking and saying that I thought the attempts to hurt me were… lame. It tried to ramp up its offenses; it interfered with my communication to the person I mentioned before, it made my cat a bit sick (this one annoyed me most), it interfered with my attempt to meditate and probably other things I didn’t notice. Again, nothing too bad. This is one of the stupid things I mentioned though. Note to self, don’t piss off a spirit that already hates you by being too cocky accidentally. Had the spirit been more powerful, I could’ve gotten really fucked up.

—————————————————

After deciding between exorcisms, I chose one that I felt most comfortable doing and had easier access to get the materials. (PGM IV 1227 - 64)

Materials used: 7 olive branches, a coke can, string, an old nail.

Prep: Since this spell dealt with the Christian God, I showered beforehand. I then gathered a white votive candle I had and a tall glass. I poured springwater into the glass and lit the candle to offer, then reciting the Our Father and Hail Mary many times (I think 10 each but I can’t remember, hence why I’m trying to make myself write these things down.) After that, I asked for protection, reassurance and for Him to help me do the exorcism. After I was done saying what I wanted to say, I concluded the prayer. I kept the candle lit the whole time though.

I then began creating the phylactery; I cut the tops and bottom off of the coke can so that I could write the words given onto it. I used the old nail (as it was the only thing I have that could write it properly) to write/engrave the words. I recited the Our Father and Hail Mary over the phylactery, made a hole at the top and strung string into it to make a sort of necklace. I hung it on my arm until it was time to put it on the doll to keep it close to me. I then gathered 6 olive branches and tied them all together in a bunch at the tops and bottoms. I chose the seventh to use as my whip as instructed. I tucked it into my robe’s drawstring behind me (”keep it hidden.”) I cleared floorspace in my room, took the doll and sat it down. I placed the bunch of 6 in front of it and kneeled down behind it (hovering over its head.) I then read the conjuration while whipping the doll as I saw fit. I had to recite it 3 times though, as the doll kept falling over and interrupting me/making me falter during reciting. The third and last time I just held the doll up with one hand and whipped with the other while reading. I then hung the phylactery around it once I was done.

Results: Once I woke up the next day (I fell asleep right after completion) the doll felt much lighter than it did before. It felt lighter, less heavy, more open and refreshed. After that, I felt mostly nothing from the doll; meaning I think it went back to blank. I did the exorcism Right before I had to leave home for a week so I had the housesitter tell me what she felt when she looked at the doll (negative/bad, nothing, or positive) during the week and got “nothing” back- which was a good sign.

Asking if it worked and if they spirit was gone via divination, I got “yes” for both questions.

EDIT: By the way, my cat started recovering and stopped showings signs of sickness immediately after the exorcism. Also, he stopped intensely hesitating before coming into my room immediately after as well. TLDR, he did that for as long as the spirit was in my possession.

—————————————————

WHAT I COULD’VE DONE BETTER:

The big one: I mistakenly did not directly thank the Christian God outright for helping me get rid of the spirit. It had unfortunately slipped my mind. The Tuesday following the exorcism, I had the worst luck all day. Like, Super bad luck. So many things went wrong. Once I got in my hotel bed I had the idea “Oh man, I really should’ve thanked the god outright…”- Once I had this realization my bad luck lifted. The next day was super lucky, as was the rest of the trip. It was a mistake I learned from. The Sunday I got back I relit the candle, gave more water and prayers and said thank you (for that and some other stuff.)

Another kinda big one: Other than praying and asking for some protection, I had none on me. It’s irresponsible on my part and I don’t condone others doing these things without some sort of good protection. During me making the phylactery, I started getting very, very migraine-y and nauseous. I took this as the spirit trying to stop me from completing the rite. The whole time during it I was like this (which is why I almost immediately went to sleep after) which Proooobably could’ve been avoided had I had protection.

Less so: I need more confidence when doing these things. I was trying to read the conjuration as strongly as I could, but it still could’ve been better.

Maybe some other stuff that my mind is slipping right now. Anyways, I hope I wrote this with all the pertinent information (as this is my first writeup for this stuff.)

All in all, good experience!

[soaimagines]

Drunk Dialling

Request:

 Imagine your away on business and Chibs calls you because Juice is having an anxiety attack and wants you & 

Imagine being away on business and Chibs calls you to come home cause Juice is drunk and only wants you.

I combined these two requests cause they were so similar, I hope y’all don't mind x also sorry these ones took me so long 

Also I am having total mind blanks when it comes to naming these so I apologise for the shitty titles lol

Text in bold is text messages x

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

‘I miss you babe. 😔’ You smiled at the message on your screen and quickly typed back. ‘I miss you more, Juan Carlos x’ Maybe it was attachment issues, maybe you were both ridiculously needy or maybe you were just two kids in love. Either way, neither of you were coping well with the sudden distance between you. Ever since you had met Juice seven months ago you had been practically inseperable. It had started with countless nights spent in each others arms and eventually grown into a solid relationship. He had been warned by his brothers not to rush into anything, especially asking you to be his old lady. But when the boys had seen you two together they knew they had nothing to worry about. You were perfect for each other. You were his old lady and he was crazy about you. So crazy, in fact, that the second you had gotten into the cab to head for your business trip he was already sending you messages. But it was only for two more days. Two down, two to go. And you would be home. Juice hadn't been very pleased when you had arrived home from the office and told him about your business trip. Four days in the city. That was all. You could do it. ‘Impossible. Come home baby x’ You slid into the hotel bed and pulled the covers up around your neck as you typed back a message. ‘I wish, Juicy. Not long to go tho babe. I love you’ You curled your body into a ball and pulled the covers over your head. The hotel was nice, the company had really gone all out. But it wasn't home, and seeing the pristine room with the decorative cushions and generic paintings on the walls, and the sounds of the bustling nightlife below was a constant reminder that you weren't in Charming. It had been a big day, your boss had managed to cram eight meetings in and you were drained. You came out of your blanket cocoon only to grab the remote and turn on the television mounted on the wall. But you didn't watch the images flickering on the tv, you buried your head back under the sheets. You fell asleep to the muffled sounds of traffic and a soap opera, oblivious to the text messages from Juice blowing up your phone.

The loud ringing of your phone woke you up and you groaned, your eyes squinting shut as the bright light of the screen in the dark room nearly blinded you. Incoming call from Juice. “You better have a good reason for waking me up, Ortiz.” “Baaaaabyyyyy!!!” You raised an eyebrow and stifled a yawn as you rolled over. The alarm clock on the bedside table read 3.47am. “Are you drunk Juicy?” You grumbled into the phone. “Nope!” “Really?” “I mean I might have had a couple of drinks. Two. Maybe three.” You rolled your eyes but a grin came on your face. You could never stay mad at Juice for long and drunk Juice was always adorable, “Is that why you calling me at 3.47 in the morning?” “I missed you.” He slurred. “I miss you too, Juice.” “Come home.” You laughed and rolled on to your back and stared at the ceiling and the patterns dancing across it from the tv you had failed to turn off. “I’ll be home tomorrow night babe.” “Okay.” Juice said loudly. “Okay?” “I’ll come to you baby I’ll be there soon.” “Juice.” “Please babygirl, I need you.” You sighed and chewed your lip. “I know baby.” You could practically hear him pouting through the phone and it took another half hour before you finally convinced him to get some rest. Eventually he said goodnight and you hung up the phone. It was 4.15am now and you knew you wouldn't be able to get back to sleep, so you threw the covers back and headed for the shower. One more sleep, and you could go back to Charming.

“And so, going off the data we gathered it seems that bringing more business back to Charming could benefit not only us, but the entire state of California.” Your boss nodded approvingly at your words before taking over and addressing the rest of the people in the meeting. You shuffled the papers in front of you when you felt your phone vibrating in your pocket. You ignored it, knowing without checking that it would be Juice. He had already called you twice this morning and you had been forced to put your phone on vibrate so that his calls wouldn't disturb any more meetings. The phone went through to voicemail and you cleared your throat, trying to focus on the words your boss was saying. The vibrating began again and you took a deep breath. Juan fucking Carlos. But a quick glance down to the screen proved you wrong. Chibs’ name appeared at the top of the screen and worry instantly filled your heart. Your boss had finished talking when you stood. “I’m sorry, Ive got to take this.” Your boss nodded and you excused yourself, shooting down your pencil skirt as you left the office. As soon as the door was closed behind you you lifted the phone to your ear. “Chibs? Whats wrong? Is Juice okay? Whats happened? Is he-“ “Calm down, lass.” You took a deep breath. “Is he okay?” “Aye, physically he's fine, love.” You could sense the ‘but’ in his tone of voice. “He needs you back here, (y/n). I’m sorry to call ye like this but you've gotta come home. We cant take anymore of this.” You leant against the wall, a sense of relief rushing through you. So he wasn't hurt. But you knew Juice suffered from severe anxiety attacks and by the way Chibs was speaking you knew things must be bad. “I cant come home yet, Chibby.” “Look, sweetheart. He’s rearranged everything in the clubhouse and I’m worried if he doesn't stop whistling soon Jackie boy might send him unprotected into Mayan territory.” You smirked into the phone. Whistling was a habit anxious Juice had picked up a while back and even though you loved him dearly, his whistling drove you mad. “Keep him safe a little while longer? I’ll leave soon.” “Aye. Hurry, love. I don't think Happys too impressed with his whistling either.” You laughed and thanked the Scot before hanging up the phone. You had just slid it into your pocket when your boss walked out of the office. “Everything okay?” “Not really.” You put your years of drama lessons in high school to work, and within seconds you had fake tears running down your cheeks. “Its my dog, umm..Tiggy. He's sick.”  It wasn't really a lie. Your boss wrapped an arm around your shoulders and squeezed you comfortingly. “I need to get her to the vet.” “Of course, (y/n). Take all the time you need.” “Thank you.” “I hope Tiggy gets better soon.” “Me too.” You wiped the tears away with the back of your hand and turned away, heading for your hotel room. “Me too.” You repeated, smirking to yourself.

The cab pulled up in front of your house and the driver turned to you. You could tell by the expression on his face that he was questioning why a woman dressed all in a business suit would be stopping at a house that was blasting 90’s rap music, but he accepted your payment and helped you get your bags out of the boot. It was mid afternoon and the sun was still beaming down on you as you hauled your bags to the front door. The music was so loud that Juice didn't hear the front door open and you ditched your bags in the living room before kicking off your high heels. You pulled your hair out of the slick bun you had been wearing all day and treaded across the carpet. Following the strong smell of bleach that was drifting through the house you made your way to the bathroom. Juice was shirtless, wearing sweatpants and yellow rubber gloves. The bathroom was spotless and sparkling, and you wondered how many times in the last three days had he cleaned this room. He was scrubbing the tiles in the shower, his back turned and you smiled to yourself as you studied his back muscles tensing as he worked. A bucket of water sat in the centre of the room and you crept inane dipped your hands in the hot water. “What the fuck?” Juice practically yelled as he felt drips of water being flicked onto his bare skin. He turned and when he saw you he nearly kicked the bucket across the room. “Babe!” He wrapped his arms tightly around you, pulling you tight against his body and burying your face in his chest. “Cant. Breathe!” “Sorry.” He smiled at you sheepishly and released his grip on you. “You missed a spot.” You said, pointing to a spot on the wall behind him. “Where?” There was panic in his voice and he turned to the wall with wide eyes. You instantly felt guilty but you tore your shirt from your body, exposing your bra. He turned back to you, his brows furrowed but when he saw your half naked body he licked his lips. “I missed you.” “I missed you, baby.” He whispered, his hands grabbing hold of your hips. “Why don't you show me how much, Juicy?” You reached on your tiptoes and pulled his lips to yours. Juice leant forward, reaching down and lifted you up, your legs wrapping around his waist. He growled and you squealed as he arrived you to the bedroom and threw you onto the bed.

“Please don't leave me again.” You looked up at him, from your spot in the nook of his arm while the two of you were curled up together, naked in the sheets. “i won’t, baby.” He kissed the top of your head and traced patterns on your shoulder with his fingers. “Im not.. good on my own.” You sat up and took hold of his face, forcing him to look at you. “Juan Carlos Ortiz, you ,listen to me. I am here. I will always be here.” “But what if your boss wants to take you on another trip? Or you get sick of me? Or-“ You pressed your lips against his, silencing him. You left them there till you felt him relax and you pulled away. “I’m not going anywhere. And if my boss wants to go away I’ll just tell him that our dog is sick and I cant leave him.” “We don't have a dog.” You smiled. “Not yet.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

@i-want-to-be-watered-by-roger @daniehelene27 @hellsmurf96 @thejulietfarciertlove @blustar02 @homicidalteenagedream @sons-of-anarchy-fan @trinasoftballgirl 

If you want to be added to the tag list for any or all Sons please let me know.x

[swampgallows]

i need help. i cant do anything. even in europe all i did was trail behind. i didnt book anything or research anything. i just followed along. everybody else planned everything and i just followed behind.

i dont know what will happen to me without coverage. i need to make calls but i dont know what will happen. i really need help and i really want to be able to do things without my parents. there is so much my parents dont know and that i dont feel safe telling them. there is so much i dont trust my parents with but they control everything. they dont even know i quit my job because i was going to kill myself. ir eally want to get help. and i really need to get help. and i feel like the only way i can truly do it is if im entirely removed from this environment for an extended period of time. i thought europe would be the thing to help me enough but during the last few days when i realized i was going to have to come back here i started panicking and getting sick. and since i got home my body has been rejecting even the most mild of foods (oatmeal, applesauce, eggs and toast) and i cant sleep for more than a few hours at a time, at random. and i cant focus on anything again, and i only managed to draw something for a little bit when my mom was at the hospital again. 

i hate that i cant do anything alone but i feel like when im by myself i’ll disappear. but even when im with people i fall out of existence and stop being a person. i cant be here. im struggling to be here any more as a person. 

i had canceled my wow subscription (i guess?) so it wouldnt charge me while i wasnt playing and i havent started it back up again yet. i opened hots but i didnt play it. i cant even play video games. 

i really need help. i really need to get somewhere where i can be away from this environment and get help or im just going to sit in my bed until i die. im dissociated more than im grounded  nowadays, even on the trip. if eel like unless im in a super safe and time-constrained situation (like a rave or at a restaurant?? or something) i cant be a human being. like i have to have a scripted event and i cant exist outside of it. i dont know what to do with myself unless im being perceived or something like that. 

i hate writing about this stuff on tumblr but it’s making me lose my mind if i dont get it out somehow. it’s just spinning in my head and all i can do is sit here. it’s 4 in the morning and i thought about cleaning my room to do something productive while not having to be a person, per se, but it’s 4am and it would be too loud. i thought about getting in my car and driving around a little while the streets are super empty but my mom is awake and sitting by the door.

im so fucking sick of my parents knowing about every single thing i do. i cant be a person independent of them if i cant do or say anything without them knowing. and even if i put up my middle finger and say like FUCK YOU IM DOING THIS like my sister does it doesnt matter, in the end they still control everything and they still KNOW. i still have to come back to their house to go to bed, and even if im gone for days they know im gone. my sister is looking into renting a place with her shitty chaotic boyfriend (even though she swore up and down that she would NEVER move in with him) just so she doesnt have to fucking live here. AND SHE’S 29 AND I’M 27 WE SHOULDNT HAVE TO STILL LIVE WITH OUR PARENTS BUT NO ONE IN MY GENERATION CAN AFFORD TO MOVE OUT WITHOUT LIVING WITH 9 STRANGERS FOR 800 A MONTH EACH, AND THOSE NUMBERS ARE NOT EXAGGERATED

it was such a relief when i was in europe to just not check in with them at all or have to tell them anything. not even ‘hey i’m here safe!’ fuck you. i barely even posted on facebook about it except for checking in to places on swarm, and not to tell them, but just to do it, because it’s what i’d do anyway. “thanks for the update” my sister wrote, like i was supposed to tell them sooner. it’s none of their fucking business. they are not part of the equation at all. i bought the plane ticket, i paid for my share of the hotel and hostel and apartment, AND i was planning to drive myself to nate’s house until my mother fucking berated me about it and dropped me off instead (they were using my car that week anyway). 

my sister is on a career path and so is my brother and im not. i havent tried learning coding again in a while. i really do not have anything to live for, im not in love with anybody and i have no dreams and i dont even want to get married really and i DEFINITELY do not want children, i still feel like a child, i feel too helpless and stupid to do anything, my art is WAY below the professional level and i couldnt even fulfill all the commissions i took, i barely even draw for myself. i dont do anythign for myself. i cant even take care of myself. im full of self-destructive impulses maybe because i feel like if it gets bad enough my parents will give a shit about me, or something, but they dont, or they cant, theyre incapable. i think about all the healing i have to do and all the trauma ive been through and how my mother takes even that away from me, using it to further her own self-flagellation about what a bad mother she is. even if i killed myself, my suicide would matter to her more as a means to further punish herself than as a loss of my life. and i know this because when i was hit by the car and didnt have the self-preservation to call for help or do anything, all she did was scream at me at the top of her lungs and then complain about what a bad mother she was that she apparently never taught us to call our parents.

i had to throw up when we were driving back to lax to drop cookies off and i thought i could make it. i puked all over myself, bad, in nate’s car, and he said, “you need to just tell me if you have to and i’ll pull over.” and i legitimately didnt even think of that. i am so accustomed to just suffering in silence and then getting punished afterward that i didnt do a solid for myself or for my friends by just giving a heads up about what was happening to me. i just let it happen and dealt with the consequences. and that thought really unnerved me. why didnt i say something? did i really think he would get mad at me for asking, for having the audacity to get sick? was i embarrassed??? well i was sure as fuck embarrassed for puking all over myself like a fucking infant, so why didnt i just say something? like who the fuck does that? i just sat there fighting it, thinking it would go away, instead of saying like “dude, can we pull over? i think im gonna throw up.” maybe i didnt want to be an inconvenience, or ruin the good time, or be needy, or draw attention to myself, or possibly make cookies late for her plane (she had more than enough time and it wouldnt have been a problem at all. pulling over for a minute wouldnt have mattered. we werent even on the freeway.) so why didn’t i even think to say something?

i was never like this. i was never somebody who didnt stand up for myself.

or was i? i dont know. i have avenged people in the past, speaking up for them when they didnt have anyone on their side, so why cant i speak up for myself? i didnt say anything when i was being molested, or raped, but i was just a child. but ive been ground down more and more to be more subservient, quieter, helpless, and the few times i try to defend myself or make a stand or speak up i end up saying a very wrong thing or being extremely rude or just embarrassing myself by saying something foolish. or i come off as aggressive. 

aggression.

i have nothing so i have nothing to ground me and nothing with which to assert myself. as time goes on i feel weaker and weaker, more and more feeble and like i need permission to be alive. i cant be open with my family about nearly any of my beliefs or interests, hence why i am so fervent and adamant them in spaces that i can be (like, here, for instance, blogging until i am blue in the face about warcraft and dumb rave shit). in person i feel foolish among other wow fans, who play the game better than i do and know more about the lore than i do, and i am made to feel like an imposter (FUCK YOU spellcheck i prefer the -er) or an idiot or a “fake fan” or like “wow you dedicate so much of your life to this and you still dont know a fucking thing, what a loser, what a moron”. and i feel that way about rave shit too. hanging around other DJs and shit who know so much more about their specific areas, things im not necessarily against knowing but havent really done the research on my own, i feel like i’m nothing, too.

i dont have any worthwhile qualities and especially nothing that i’m capable of doing to a lucrative or productive degree. i have a worthless art degree, speaking of which, after 5 interminable soul-crushing years at a university that ground me in its teeth and made me feel like i belonged as a smear on the pavement. and then i almost was that after being hit by a car during what was supposed to be my final semester. 

im just really not supposed to be here and i have nothing to offer. and i know nobody is “supposed” to be here but i dont even have the means to act like it or to make myself useful. i cant even be useful to myself. i cant even do the things i have an inkling of wanting to do. i just start hitting myself or crying even when i try to do the things that will make me happy. the amount of times ive been at my tables mixing away and then beating the shit out of myself at the slightest mistake and having to sit in the bath for an hour to calm down are innumerable. drawing isn’t as violent, unless im interrupted, in which case it becomes a heavy weight, like an anvil on my forehead, screaming about all the time i was wasting, and how i spent x hours on this and it still looks like shit or it’s completely pointless or “oh orcs again how fucking original you fucking cuntrag of course your favorite is the inexcusably evil and violent genocidal piece of shit character you constantly try to “fix” in your head and make excuses for because youre a broken worthless idiot addicted to abuse since being used is the only function you have in this world”

im kind of glad r/incel was banned because i was developing kind of a hate-read addiction to seeing screenshots on here. i never went to the reddit itself but being raised on that kind of mentality brought back a lot of feelings, and i was trying to train myself to just laugh at those posts, but so many people like that have ruined me in the past that i ended up feeling like i had a duty to “hear” them out. i was practically raised by men who would now be classified as “incels” and that rhetoric comprised a bulk of my understanding about sexuality, especially when my introduction to the entire concept of sex was through entitlement via rape. i thought letting myself be abused was some act of altruism, and that men wanting to possess me was something admirable and validating, especially since i was so ugly, that they in turn were being charitable by allowing themselves to be associated with me, that the least i could do was let them get some kind of pleasure out of it. 

sure i didnt know any better as a child but im still fighting these feelings as an adult. i cant even navigate my own feelings about men. the pirate wants to go to bar sinister again on saturday (with smee, luckily) but i still cant feel out if it’s a date or not, and i still cant decide whether or not i’m comfortable with it being a date, since i dont know what attraction is, i dont want to hurt the guy’s feelings, and i’d like to stay friends, and i dont want to make him mad, and i dont want to lead him on either, and i DONT KNOW WHY i am basically arguing with myself as to whether or not i should ‘let this happen’, that i should just allow something to happen to me, again, because i “pursued” this man enough to let him know i wanted to get to know him better and hang with him outside of just seeing him on the bus, but i do not believe i have ever consciously pursued someone romantically IN MY LIFE (and if i did i was the last to know i was doing it). i have never had the thought “I want to date this person” because i dont fucking know what dating is, i dont know what anything is, i dont fucking know anything, i am not someone who would intentionally make a “First Move” on someone in the way of “wow i want to kiss this person so i had better get to know them better” like they do in the movies.

ultimately i guess i cannot ever imagine someone respecting me and being reciprocal with me. cannot ever imagine someone wanting to be around me for me and not because of some ulterior motive, like that theyre in love with me because of some shit emotional labor they squeezed out of me or some naive infatuation theyve conjured up in their heads about how we’re going to be married someday even if i explicitly reject them outright on several separate occasions, or how they’re so emotionally stunted that me being a cordial human being and sharing a trace of interest with them (wow youre a girl, AND you play video games? AND you have hooves?) translates into a crush because they have zero boundaries or understanding of women. 

cause like, im a fucking disaster area. i dont even want to be around me. i cannot even look at myself in the mirror, my insecurity is volatile, i’m incredibly unstable and i have no self-preservation or means of independence. if you want to be dragged down in every facet possible, look no further: i am a living embodiment of trench foot. so because i deem myself having no value i dont see why anyone else could. which is why im comfortable with traces of platonic shit and why social media is perfect. it’s meaningful enough interaction to let me know that i, individually, have value, but superficial and ephemeral enough to know it’s not because anyone has any weird fucking obsession with or bias toward me. my art appears on their dash in a flash and if they like it, they like it, and that’s it. they dont gotta say shit, and it’s an entirely objective Unit of Value not based on any expected performance from me or my identity as a human being. Just, deemed worthy, and if they add their own addendum or something it’s because they’re contributing to something larger, not directly feeding into my ego/personhood. 

and in turn, on my blog i can provide whatever sort of content i want without expectation and at the end of the day even if it goes unnoticed, im not doing it for any means to an end so ultimately its impact is irrelevant. like, thank fucking god. my blog doesnt provide a service to people where they expect some kind of Product, and they can opt out at any time. as long as im not going around hurting people (and obviously i would never want to do that) my blog doesnt matter, and i dont have to matter. 

“you matter”. fuck off. maybe i dont want to matter. maybe im better off just being a transient, tied to nothing and no one to keep from burdening anybody or burdening myself by feeling like i have to be fucking “useful” all the time. 

for how truly invisible i feel all the time, it’s ironic how much i wish i could be.

[twentyonepilotsficlibrary]

lost fics masterlist

okay guys so currently we have 185 messages in our inbox, and no matter how many we try to answer it fills back up very quickly, and it’s getting pretty difficult to manage them all. so i’m going to just copy and paste all of the reader2reader/lost fics we have sitting in our inbox that we can’t locate ourselves. so please feel free to scroll thru this list and if you know of any of the fics these people are looking for you can help us out by sending in a message. i’m putting them under a read more because there is a shit ton. if you do know one of these fics you can copy and paste whichever one you’re talking about into the askbox with the title or author and we’ll do the rest. thanks guys -Madi

edit: i’m going to delete them off of this list as they’re located 

Anonymous said to twentyonepilotsficlibrary:hey theres this fic ive been looking for where it starts out with josh helping tyler and tyler tries to kill himself by slitting his wrists in the bath and josh finds him unconscious saying "this isnt funny tyler" over and over. he takes hin to hospital and in the end it turns out that he imagined tyler?? pleeeassse find this!!! i need it!!!! thank u!!!!! 

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Anonymous said to twentyonepilotsficlibrary:There's a fic where Tyler is grumpy and is not talking to anyone, so josh starts tying to help and they end up fighting, but everything gets better in the end and Josh kiss tyler... ps: they are on the bus during all the fic

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Anonymous said to twentyonepilotsficlibrary:do u know of this one fic where ty is workin the corner and he gets in joshs car and they fuck and josh has a choking kink lol

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Anonymous said to twentyonepilotsficlibrary:Ive never left an ask before in my life but there was one fic i started and i lost it and i don't remember the title. Tyler had cancer in it and there was a scene where him and Josh shaved their heads together while tyler sung house of gold. It only had a few hundred hits maybe but it was really cute 

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Anonymous said to twentyonepilotsficlibrary:hey dyou guys know the one where josh is trying to force a noise out of Tyler mid-sex

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gottalovejaebumson said to twentyonepilotsficlibrary:Hi! Do you know of any joshler fanfic based off of the Heathens behind the scenes where tyler says he asked Josh where would be a good place to stay excepting josh to invite him to stay but instead recommending a hotel and Tyler acting weird for it?

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Anonymous said to twentyonepilotsficlibrary:Do you have the fanfic where Tyler goes off to college and he becomes roommates with josh and as it goes on he doesn't want to accept the fact that he's gay and loves josh and towards the end he comes out to his parents??? I tried to give as much detail as I could remember 😂 

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Anonymous said to twentyonepilotsficlibrary:hello sorry to bother aging but I've been looking for a story, where Josh moves in the house behind Tyler and finds him swimming in his pool naked. thats all I really remember, thanks :) 

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Anonymous said to twentyonepilotsficlibrary:can you help me find a fic where tyler is attending college and meets josh and they become friends? i know it's general but i remember it being 100% platonic and there's a part about tyler driving to school and staying at a hotel and the clerk and him talk and tyler remembers the clerk when he goes back to the hotel

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vi0lent-delights-vi0lent-ends said to twentyonepilotsficlibrary:Hi, there's this fic on AO3 I read awhile back that I can't seem to find. I don't really remember much about it except that the author wrote it based off of/inspired by this edit on YouTube called"Joshler • ¿Friends?" Or something like that. I absolutely love that edit and I absolutely loved that fic. Please help me find it! (Sorry in advance for not having a whole lot of info to go by)

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Anonymous said to twentyonepilotsficlibrary:i've been trying to find a fic where josh i think gets tyler a tail/buttplug but tells him not to take it out however tyler does and get punished, thanks if you can find it x 

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Anonymous said to twentyonepilotsficlibrary:I'm looking for a fic where Tyler lived in this closed society & one day he runs away into the desert where he finds josh after awhile & they like go on this big adventure ?? Sorry I can't remember that much thANK YOU

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Anonymous said to twentyonepilotsficlibrary:yo, i lost a fic, i think it was oneshot, where tyler was deppressed but he out of nowhere went to his family, friends etc. and had a good time so josh thought he was getting better, but the next day tyler killed himself or something. help me out, please?

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Anonymous said to twentyonepilotsficlibrary:hey I'm looking for this fic where tyler hits josh with his car after swimming at the beach and josh has a husky dog

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Anonymous said to twentyonepilotsficlibrary:There was one fic where Josh had daddy issues since his dad left him and when he was younger, around fifteen I think, he slept with an older guy, who stalks him and Tyler when they start dating. Melanie is Josh's best friend too, if thats any help. I'm not sure if this fic was on ao3 or wattpad, sorry for the lack of info!

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Anonymous said to twentyonepilotsficlibrary:my friend was telling me about this fic and i have no idea where it's from ??? so tyler plays basketball (i'm not sure if it's high school or collage) and josh attends every one of his games and tyler never notices until the very last game and he spots josh and goes "for josh..." and he dunks at the last second and wins the game. from what she told me, it sounds really good, and i really wanna read it. if you guys can help me out, that'll be great. :) 

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Anonymous said to twentyonepilotsficlibrary:hi hi hi. So, I've lost a fic where Josh was in love with Tyler, but Ty loved Jenna. Tyler married Jenna and all, and on the party after the wedding Tyler danced with Josh. But Josh ran away after a while cause he was sad af. I'm sorry, I don't remember more but i really want to find it again. 

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Anonymous said to twentyonepilotsficlibrary:Hi I'm searching a fic where one of them has cancer (I think it's Josh) and he made a bucketlist with things he wants to do before he dies. And Tyler wants to help him with the list

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Anonymous said to twentyonepilotsficlibrary:Hey, thanks so much for the help! There's a finished fic where Ty has cancer, Josh builds him a tree house before he gets sick, there's this guy named Colin who bullies them in town one day until he finds out Tyler's condition, There's no band and Tyler is eventually given 5months to live. :( Anyway, thanks again! I really love this page!

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Anonymous said to twentyonepilotsficlibrary:Hey, do you know a fanfiction where tyler and jenna have a kid but jenna dies at childbirth. Then josh comes in and tyler and josh are neighbours and become good friend. Also josh has 2 cats with like twin names (purposely want to find the fic so i can find out those names) 

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Anonymous said to twentyonepilotsficlibrary:hi! I'm looking for a fic where Josh was in love with Tyler, but Tyler got like married with Jenna and all. And Tyler and Josh danced at the wedding but Josh was sad

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Anonymous said to twentyonepilotsficlibrary:Hello i'm look for a fic where Josh moves in to the house behind Tyler and Tyler goes swimming in there pool naked. I don't really remember more of it, i cant seem to find it.

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Anonymous said to twentyonepilotsficlibrary:there was this one fic where one of them was in prison and imagines the other one there but they break out of prison and find the other one 

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Anonymous said to twentyonepilotsficlibrary:Ok there's this fic where tyler comes back to town after he ran away from home after he told his parents he was gay. he's living with melanie martinez after he comes back tho. and josh and him are in love. they go on a camping trip with josh's asshole friends and they leave tyler behind and tyler runs away again? help please!!! 

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Anonymous said to twentyonepilotsficlibrary:I'm looking for this fic. It was about Josh having an eating disorder. I think it was called "fatfatfat." Or something...love this blog btw😊💖 

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King Walrus(letadolores@hotmail.com) submitted to twentyonepilotsficlibrary: heyyyyy so first of all, LOVE your blog, second of all, I’m looking for the fic where josh is Zack’s friend from college or something and Zack brings josh to the Joseph’s for some holiday and of course Tyler’s there and they start this kinda secret relationship and no one else knows I know this is really vague but I remember at one moment josh is like in some room on a bed and he has a secret crush on ty and then Tyler comes in and he’s like “I can tell when someone wants me” and they kiss and stuff…. ily, sorry this was so vague but if you could find this fic id owe you my life 🙏