#like I look black/mixed and people never assume I’m Latina by my appearance

[reasoningdaily]

On a recent episode of Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta, Dominican-Puerto Rican reality TV star Erica Mena screamed “You monkey, you blue monkey” to Jamaican dancehall singer, songwriter, and actor Spice. The animalized anti-Black slur never seems too far from the lips of racially ambiguous, mestiza, mixed-race, and other non-Black Latinas who find success ironically because of Black women. Many people of alleged color use their proximity to Blackness as a ruse to gain success while harboring anti-Black values. 

This isn’t the first time we have seen non-Black Latinas, who may claim Afro-Latinidad at convenience, call dark-skinned unambiguously Black women an anti-Black slur in a public forum. It’s a signature and age-old move. In 2015, Mena herself reportedly called club promoters “Black monkeys” after not showing up to a scheduled nightclub appearance. Similarly, in 2019, self-professed Afro-Latina Evelyn Lozada did something similar to her Basketball Wives castmate, athlete Ogom “OG” Chijindu, using a monkey GIF to describe her on Instagram and repeatedly referring negatively to her looks.

In many of these public displays of anti-Blackness, the conflict is centered on a Black man “picking” the unambiguously Black woman over the so-called “exotic” non-Black woman. These are common tactics that I and many other unambiguous Black women have experienced at the hands of non-Black Latinas, including mestizas and light-skinned, racially ambiguous, self-proclaimed Afro-Latinas. And many of these non-Black Latinas use the categorization of Afrolatinidad as a get-out-of-jail card when they co-opt Blackness.

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"Many people of alleged color use their proximity to Blackness as a ruse to gain success while fostering anti-Black values. "

dash harris

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In 2019,Love and Hip Hop cast member Cyn Santana appeared on Angela Yee's Lip Service podcast controversially saying she prefers Black men and Black men prefer Latina women. “Y’all can keep the Puerto Rican men. I’m good,” she said, assuming she was referring to non-Black Puerto Rican men. She added: “I do Black guys all day. Black men cater to us Spanish [sic: Latina] girls especially.” When Yee suggested she would “get in trouble with the Black girls,” Santana, a mestiza of mixed Dominican and Salvadoran descent, said, “I didn’t mean it like that, but Black girls gonna take it personal and be like, uh-uh,” inserting just enough mockery to ensure the audience that her worldview is steeped in anti-Black tropes. 

Even more to that point of wide-spread misogynoir stereotyping, Santana later apologized on the talk show The Real, saying she “irresponsibly repeated something that I heard my entire life.” I believe her. I've long seen and heard this messaging in Latine communities. The truth Santana pointed to cannot be glossed over. These women date and procreate with Black men and, in turn, raise Black children, as Mena is doing, and I wonder how they treat those children through their lens of depreciating Blackness. One way is by treating them as a shield to claim they are not anti-Black.

“

"In many of these public displays of anti-Blackness, the conflict is centered on a Black man “picking” the unambiguously Black woman over the so-called “exotic” non-Black woman."

dash harris

”

This is tied to the misogynoir phenomena of Black men who put non-Black women on pedestals, prizing, pursuing, and “preferring” non-Black Latinas and white women and even defending them when they do dehumanize Black women in public media forums. This “preference” cannot be divorced from its anti-Black power dynamics and its cishetero white-centering patriarchy that Black men, among people in general, have been indoctrinated under and in turn perpetuate and harm Black women with. Black women seem to be where their targets intersect and lock in as their punching bag. 

Mena’s chagrin, and subsequent table-flipping that caused the melee, was because Safaree, a rapper and Mena’s ex-husband and father to her children, “chose” to care more about a woman who indeed is not his wife nor his children’s mother. But what really got Mena to reveal herself was that it was a dark-skinned Black woman, someone who in her eyes was undeserving of the adoration and worship she, a non-Black woman, is entitled to, so she had been taught. This subverted social order infraction could not go by Mena without a slur to bring Black women back to the intended subalterned place. She wanted the guarantee of preference that she was promised.

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"Non-Black women like her have been promised their whole lives that they deserve love and respect, withheld from Black women and over Black women in favor of women who look like her."

dash harris

”

It is a privileged position where Mena is most comfortable because she believes in the zero-sum game of anti-Black hierarchy. This hierarchy keeps her lights on. Mena’s social currency rides in her non-Blackness and her proximity to whiteness relative to Black women. Non-Black women like her have been promised their whole lives that they deserve love and respect, withheld from Black women and over Black women in favor of women who look like her. She clamors for and is enabled by the male gaze and, furthermore, is emboldened and protected by Black men who seek refuge from their own internalized anti-Blackness in the arms of women “with less baggage and attitude” than “the Black girls.” But, as the routine racialized aggressions these women create show, even this is a myth. Together, the bond of Black men who “prefer” non-Black women and non-Black women who revel this preference replicates white pathology and notions that Black women should remain subjugated under them both. 

So many non-Black Latinas, including mestizas, mixed-race, and racially ambiguous women, have launched and sustained their careers from Black media and specifically because of Black women, like Mona Scott-Young, the creator of the Love and Hip-Hop franchise, and Shaunie O’Neal, creator of Basketball Wives. Black media gives them access into Black spaces by their “POC” proximity for them to inevitably expose their anti-Blackness, because you can only hide your ideologies for so long. Now many are calling for Mena to finally be fired from the TV series. 

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"Unambiguously Black women, whether Latina or not, are racialized as Black wherever we go and do not have the escape-hatch of racial ambiguity that other non-Black Afro-Latinas do."

dash harris

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Recently, reality TV star Joseline Hernandez called out her College Hill classmate Amber Rose for building her career from Black media but “catering to white people.” Hernandez, who is of Puerto Rican descent, identifies as a Black woman and not Afro-Latina, a distinction that seems to be even more necessary with each passing day. Unambiguously Black women, whether Latina or not, are racialized as Black wherever we go and do not have the escape-hatch of racial ambiguity that other non-Black Afro-Latinas do. 

Hemispherically, Black women are the butts of “jokes” for non-Black, mixed-race, bi-racial, and racially ambiguous women. In 2016, Geisha Montes de Oca (who was 2008's Miss World Dominican Republic) mocked Black Dominican singer Amara La Negra on a popular variety show by wearing an Afro wig, butt pads, and blackface. In 2013, Black Brazilian actor Nayara Justino was dethroned from her title of Miss Globaleza carnival queen in favor of a light-skinned bi-racial woman after public outcry of Justino being “too Black.” She was also subjected to violent anti-Black attacks online that negatively impacted her health.

These viral reality TV moments unveil how anti-Blackness and misogyny are like a rite of passage for many non-Black Latinas. And these are only the recorded examples. As Santana noted on The Real, oftentimes, these are the messages non-Black Latinas were raised with and didn’t question or resist because they benefited from them. She noted that when she made her own viral anti-Black comments she was in her early 20s and that now, “27 with a son,” she knows better. But does age and motherhood disentangle anti-Blackness from someone’s core? It does not. Mena and Lozado are proof-positive it does not, because it takes a process of birthing yourself anew to address and eradicate this structural ill.

[charmixpower]

Look live action will always scare me to the extent that I’ve hit a point where I almost don’t care about rivens potential race anymore but honestly I just wanna know HOW THEY GONNA DO THE ANTI GRAVITY MAGENTA ONION HAIR since the new live action will apparently focuse on more “animation accuracy” I’m curious what is gonna happen with it and how it’ll look😭 tbh I’m kinda manifesting that if they refuse to do like full on magenta hair he’ll at least have like magenta dip dye or smth🤪 tbh I’d the spikey hair doesnt work irl I’d kinda dig a ponytail or manbun to kinda emulate the silhouette of an elevated hair look but that’s probably like just me but I’m excited to see what they will do with his hair😭

On the topic of the ethnicity of the specialists I think one thing I always liked about them is that because they weren’t based off irl celebrities nor do they ever specify races in the magic dimension, I like to think that everyone can have their own hcs Abt them if they’re more ambiguous. Like I guess it might get rlly confusing with helia and Saadin Bcs of helia supposedly taking a more East Asian appearance while Saladin has more southwest inspiration so I guess in terms of genetics it may not rlly seem logical to some? Idk I personally chose to ignore now and there’s rlly not much a point of reading into it as it rlly was a children’s cartoon. And everyone would have their own interpretation of it? Like I guess for me mentally I used to think riven was East Asian like musa when I was rlly young because as an East Asian who grew up in a homogenous country I always remember interracial dating being looked down upon and super unconventional where I was from and I guess I just accidentally projected and assumed since I was a kid. Now that Im older yes I’m a bit more confused but it rlly is super interesting. But I always love listening to others thoughts on characters it’s just very insightful to see how people interpret the animation differently!! I just sometimes like to see people feeling represented in the media they consume tbh

Lol ive never been a fan of live action anything. Its harder for me to suspend my disbelief when I'm looking at some guy doing magic vs a drawing ya know??

Tbh ill be happy enough if his hair is just magenta. Riven with a natural hair color is a evil crime and I will not stand for it. Dye that fuckers hair or so help me god

It would be admittly funny if they use a wig or gel the shit out of his hair, but his hair is probably gonna be just magenta and a normal hair style

Simple solution, Helia is mixed! XD thats the best way to solve all these probems

That's completely understandable, I understand why youd make that assumption, like me and Nabus braids XD

Oh if you wanna hear something about inteprations: both me and my mom thought Aisha was mixed latina and black because her hair texture doesn't have that much volume, especially next to Stormy who's hair looks far more kinky than Aisha's did. Her hair being limp and looking more curly than kinky or coily is definitely at its worst in Harmonix, which is the season I stopped watching at growing up. S6+7 are the best at giving Aisha's hair volume, which is ironic because that's when the couture art style set in, but neither me nor my mom saw that

If your wondering, its mostly the way her hair tapers off, and how it goes mostly down instead of out. It makes her hair look 3 range, which is like my mixed kid hair and less like my mother's

I hope you find that interesting ^^

[dropintomanga]

Literal Girl Power - Chainsaw Man

I want to talk about one of my new favorite female characters in manga right now. She’s so hilarious and uninhibited to the point where I feel like this character is a good role model for young women (especially for women of color).

I’m talking about Power from Tatsuki Fujimoto’s Chainsaw Man. 

For context about Chainsaw Man, the series is about a young man named Denji who becomes a half devil/human with the ability to turn his head and arms into chainsaws. In order to ensure his own safety from anyone who seeks to manipulate him and to live a somewhat healthy life, Denji joins a group of devil hunters that serve to protect the public. The devil hunters are a mix of both humans who form contracts with devils at the cost of their lifespan and fiends/devils. 

One of those fiends/devils happens to be Power. She is known as the Blood Fiend as she’s able to use the blood in her body to make weapons. Power is introduced as Denji’s devil hunter partner and she gets immediate development as she tries to get Denji eaten by a bat devil in exchange for the safety of her pet cat, Meowy. When it turns out the bat devil was disappointed with Denji as its meal, it eats Meowy and Power instead. Denji ends up saving the two of them much to Power’s surprise. Both Denji and Power make up and the latter becomes a character that never ceases to bring laughs to readers and annoyance to the devil hunters that don’t exactly like her.

Power isn’t a saint. She’s rude, hates hygiene, quick to blame others when things go wrong, and is only willing to fight for her own self-interest. There’s some beauty in all of this as she’s confident to speak out (as long as she doesn’t get taken out by Makima, a female devil hunter and her superior who puts fear in anyone, man/woman/devil/fiend). All Power wants is to have fun in life while causing a little chaos at the side. 

When I look at Power, I think of her character as a female minority. Most of her life has her being treated as a threat to humanity. Not only that, Power also has to deal with being a woman and being sexualized as a result. For example, Denji initially wanted to be her partner because she WAS a woman. I don’t know if it’s just me, but whenever I see most monster-like women drawn in anime/manga, they are often glamorized with little agency. Power isn’t like that. I think of Power as Gintama’s Kagura for this new decade of manga. Both are women who aren’t “attractive” by conventional appearance standards and have managed to shine in the eyes of many fans due to their characteristics. 

Sometimes, when I think about feminism and the rise of “girl power,” I feel that most of its supportive messages only apply to women who have access to resources - usually white women. I’m a Chinese man and it just makes me wonder whether the voices of Asian, black, and Latina women whose experiences matter just as much are silenced. In the context of Chainsaw Man, I see this with Power as she does experience a moment of vulnerability (in the much-talked about Chapter 71) recently and the only person who truly cared about her was Denji. Despite his initial intentions, he later sees Power as someone who deserves a chance to live and thrive like a human does because he can relate to what it’s like to be considered a monster due to his own devil-like nature. 

It’s noted in the series that Power could be one of the strongest devils/fiends due to her nature as the Blood Fiend. She can do both great and terrible things with her own blood and the blood of others. Yet Power is kept in check for the safety of both the devil hunters and the public. She also struggles for validation as Denji, despite being a rookie hunter, is considered a higher priority than her in the devil hunter hierarchy poll. I often find that when we assume the worst in a certain type of people, the worse off society can become.

The character of Power does tie into the question of what constitutes real power. Maybe Power is what true power represents - the confident ability to be both vulnerable and resilient in the face of everything that appears to be rigged against you.

[sometimesrosy]

(b4 everything, I understand if you don't want to talk about it) About Kim Shum... I wasn't in the fandom when the ship wars were at its worse so I missed a lot, I know Bob Morley unfollowed her because of something she said but I can't find out what that something was, all I got was that someone saying that she said Bellamy had white male priviledge. Is there a screenshot of it? I don't want to assume anything without the full picture.

Okay. So clearly I have been holding onto this for a while, and I don’t like gossip, so there was another reason.

And I think I know what it is. 

As far as I can tell, Kim Shum DID say Bellamy had white privilege. And I totally understand why Bob would unfollow her. It makes sense. 

But I’ve got FEELINGS about that sort of racism, where people erase mixed race people’s identities for their own purposes.

See so here’s the thing. Bob is half filipino and half irish. And he looks it. I am half puerto rican and half white, and I look it too. And I’ve spent my WHOLE LIFE having other people tell me what i was, even when I tell them who I am, they decide they know what I am, and erase my identity and my voice to do so. People of all races have done this. White, Black, Latinx. Constantly. Sometimes I’ve been called white. Sometimes I’ve been called latina. I have even been called black, because hey, all POC are the same, right? (and I may be poc, and I did have a black great grandpa, but I know emphatically I do not live the black experience.)

It is undoubtably racist. 

It is no good.

But here’s the thing that I think fandom gets all tripped up over. 

We all. EVERY ONE OF US. exists in a racist society. We ALL have these racist ideas. And the less we are aware of our racist ideas, the more they can come out, because we don’t even know they are ideas, let alone racist. We just think that’s the way the world is. We think it’s truth. 

And there’s this THING about mixed race people, and also non-mixed people of less commonly seen minorities.

Our racist society doesn’t know they exist.

We know what black looks like. We know what white looks like. We know what asian looks like. We know what latino looks like.

And by and large, those appearances are clear cut and easy to see.

What gets us gummed up is when people don’t fit into those basic characteristics. Which happens all the time because race itself is a social construct. And you can white, black and native american all at once. I know this, because I am all those races. Which is why I call myself multi-cultural and  mixed race, not biracial.

Black people with light skin and green eyes. White people with olive skin. Asians with curls and freckles. Latinos with blonde hair. Never mind, say, native americans, or arabic people or jews or maoris or east indians, who are actually technically, as race defines people, caucasians. Crazy right? 

Our racist society puts people into the easy boxes, and if they don’t fit or refuse to stay in those boxes, we mock or erase them for not fitting the racist stereotypes of our culture.

So what am I saying here? 

I’m saying that Kim Shum said a racist, ignorant thing. But I don’t know if she’s learned since then. I don’t know if she’s aware of what she said and what she did. I don’t know. I don’t know her. 

I’m also saying that some of the exact same people who would hate Kim Shum for saying Bellamy had white privilege, have also told me that I was too white to speak for mixed race people, that latinos were white, that i was not allowed to speak over dark skinned people about being mixed race. So the exact  EXACT same people who say Kim Shum is a racist for erasing Bellamy and Bob’s asian heritage have ACTIVELY gone about erasing MY latina heritage and using that erasure to try and silence me. I’m not saying that some people do this. I’m saying SPECIFIC people in this fandom who rail against the writers being racist, are racist in EXACTLY the same way towards me, a mixed race POC.  And they say that I am racist because I talk about my race as if it has value. And say I am not POC enough to count. Because I am mixed. Like Bob. Who they love. And they will attack anyone who erases his race. While erasing mine. And if you think that’s just a personal thing because they don’t like me? Well, they did it to the actors, too. Refusing to EVER identify Ian/Kane as a half Latino man from Peru. Just as one glaring example of the fandom whitewashing mixed race actors/characters to fuel their agendas.

So I don’t talk to those people anymore. Just like I get why Bob would unfollow Kim. And I also keep an eye on what Kim says. She’s not my friend. And I don’t know her story.

But I do know that racism is insidious in our culture, and when we think we are immune from racism, because we ourselves are a minority, or we are liberal, or whatever, and we start speaking about other races as if we are experts, while not understanding what it means to be them? We run the risk of our own racism coming out and affecting other people in negative ways. Sometimes the racism is internalized. That’s some of the worst. Sometimes the racism is pointed towards “those people” over there. Sometimes we use racism to “prove our point” with some agenda or other. Pretty sure that Kim Shum was being a feminist and probably meant to be an ally to the LGBT community. just like the fandom was attacking racism in The 100, while erasing mixed race families and diminishing our existence. Kim and the fandom thought they were being righteous and defending groups who were oppressed. And they did so by throwing mixed race people under the bus. Because we aren’t “real.” Bellamy was not REALLY POC and neither was I. Therefore, they both decided we had white privilege that neither of us really experience, and we are fair game for erasure in their search for justice for their chosen minority. So like that’s fun. 

It’s especially fun that people will use mixed race people to support their agenda, until mixed race people disagree with them, then they will use their agenda to erase the mixed race people. See that’s the thing. We’re fun for racists to use us however they want. To support a liberal agenda. To support our race. To be sexy and exotic for their fantasies. To give a nice “flava” to our show without having to commit to a “real” minority. But when we speak up for ourselves? Well. Nope. We don’t count anymore. 

Now there’s a LOT to talk about in what the mixed race experience really is. And it’s different for everyone, and we COULD talk about colorism, there’s a lot to say about that. And we could talk about the awkward confluence of feminism and race. There’s a lot and it’s a good, important discussion.

But what we can’t do is say mixed race people are invalid.  Nope. Not allowed. 

[mixedfeelingsproject]

Anonymous

Where are you from? Kentucky

How would you describe your race/ethnicity? Half Filipina/White

Do you identify with one particular aspect of your ethnicity more than another? Have you ever felt pressure to choose between parts of your identity? I experienced a flood of racism growing up unfortunately coming from every race I encountered. My mother is a light-Skinned Filipina with Spanish blood and my father has German blood from his side of the family but they are deep rooted in typical southern white culture. My mom left my dad when I was six so I went back and forth from staying with my mother who regularly attended her Filipino friends' parties while I was also being raised by a bible thumping Kentuckian. Being with my mother and her side of the family I always felt more drawn to their culture, language, food, etc...My mom and grandma struggled with their thick accents for a while and definitely was getting used to the first world life compared to third world.

Did your parents encounter any difficulties from being in an interracial relationship? My white grandfather was reportedly racist (like my father) and disapproved of my parents' marriage, especially since my mom was a mail-order bride. They accused her for using my dad for a green card even though they never questioned the fact that my father was 36 and she was 18. But apparently my grandfather loved me a lot before he died.

How has your mixed background impacted your sense of identity and belonging? I feel very fascinated with how I came into existence. The fact that my mother traveled days to get to America and to have me here definitely made a huge impact on my personal life. I always wonder what my life would have been like if my parents had stayed in the Philippines instead of America. I think about the crazy amount of distance between me and my other Filipino cousins that I haven't seen since I was a toddler. I feel relieved every time I meet another half Filipino kid. We all relate to family problems we had growing up.

Have you been asked questions like "What are you?" or "Where are you from?" by strangers? If so, how do you typically respond? I get a lot of rude comments/questions about my appearance. A lot of people (mostly white and black people) ask me if I'm white as if they're certain that I'm not mixed with something else. Half the time when I tell them I'm mixed they end up replying "Well, you look Italian" or "I thought you was completely white". Some people play a "guessing game" and tell me they pre-determined whether I'm Mexican, Native American, or some other race. I rarely hear anyone confirm my true identity. Usually my Filipino family does get offended when I'm not seen like them. There's nothing wrong with asking me what my racial background is - what I find personally rude is asking bluntly "Are you white/Mexican?"

Have you experienced people making comments about you based on your appearance? Yeah, people tell me that they've never seen anyone look like me. I've been told I look like a porcelain doll due to the bigger eyes, small lips, and my long black hair.

Have you ever been mistaken for another ethnicity? I get Italian and Latina a lot. Rarely Filipina.

Have you ever felt the need to change your behavior due to how you believe others will perceive you? In what way? I understand that I'm way more Americanized than my mother's family, but also know that I grew up in household where certain Filipino customs we're carried out in my life. I act like myself around friends, but they know I didn't grow up with everything they did. The discipline my mother gave me is based from how she was raised from her father. So the norm for her when it came to raising me was nothing like how my American friends were raised.

What positive benefits have you experienced by being mixed? I thank my Filipino family for influencing the love I have for the sea. I never resonated with the Bluegrass state, but always found myself drawn to the ocean. I love hearing stories about life in the Philippines and the hardships my cousins faced just to come over here to America.

Have you changed the way you identify yourself over the years? Not at all. I'm happy to tell people that I'm mixed. I always say I'm Half-Filipina or half pinay when introducing myself so I can avoid potentially racist comments/guessing games towards my appearance.

Are you proud to be mixed? Yes

Do you have any other stories you would like to share from your own experiences? When I was nine I was invited to a birthday party in my neighborhood. The girl's mother was a Christian and after finding out I was half-Filipina she also assumed I was Catholic (a lot of Filipinos are Catholic). She told me to leave the party because my kind wasn't welcomed there. I ran home in tears.

There was one time I wore a kimono for Halloween and long story short a white guy asked if I was "racist" for my Halloween costume. When I told him I was half Filipino and they wore their own style of kimono he backed off. My other half Filipino friend was there and knew I was not happy with this awkward encounter.

On Tumblr a few years ago a black girl commented "white people be crazy" on a artsy photo I did. I messaged her not to assume my race basically and instead of apologizing she tried to "dox" me finding out where I lived (Kentucky, as if people couldn't move countries) and told her followers I photoshopped a picture of my Filipino uncle and me to make it look like I was in the Philippines. My uncle was actually murdered in the Philippines a few years after that photo was taken so the harassment this Tumblr user did to me was very cruel. Other half asian girls on Tumblr defended me and shared similar of experiences of being accused for "lying" about their ethcinty due to either being too lightskinned or too darkskinned.

[mixedfeelingsproject]

Ellen

Where are you from? California, United States

How would you describe your race/ethnicity? Black and Korean on my dad's side. Irish and Italian on my mom's side.

Do you identify with one particular aspect of your ethnicity more than another? Have you ever felt pressure to choose between parts of your identity? Not really. I look mostly Italian, but I never identified as "Italian." I identify as all my races, but just say "mixed" to keep it short. And no, I've never really felt pressure to choose between the different parts of my identity.

Did your parents encounter any difficulties from being in an interracial relationship? Nope.

How has your mixed background impacted your sense of identity and belonging? Well, I do feel like I belong with my family. But belonging to any of the races I'm part of as a whole? Forget about it. I don't feel white enough or black enough or korean enough to be part of the whole people. Sometimes I feel "unnatural" like I shouldn't exist or that I'm defected somehow. But those are just passing thoughts usually.

Have you been asked questions like "What are you?" or "Where are you from?" by strangers? If so, how do you typically respond? No, not really. I think people just assume I'm white.

Have you experienced people making comments about you based on your appearance? No, if they did, I don't remember.

Have you ever been mistaken for another ethnicity? Yes. I've been mistaken for being all-white before and Latina a few times.

Have you ever felt the need to change your behavior due to how you believe others will perceive you? In what way? No.

What positive benefits have you experienced by being mixed? I don't really care about race. I guess that's positive. People are people in my mind. I also have an extremely beautiful and diverse family and we have beautiful family traditions from all our cultures that are wonderful to have.

Have you changed the way you identify yourself over the years? No, not really. I always identified as mixed sort of.

Are you proud to be mixed?  Yes

[mixedfeelingsproject]

Elena

Where are you from? Albuquerque, New Mexico

How would you describe your race/ethnicity? mixed (Chinese/white)

Do you identify with one particular aspect of your ethnicity more than another? Have you ever felt pressure to choose between parts of your identity? Yes, as a kid I often felt pressured to just "be white" since I grew up with most of the socio-economic/class privileges that come with being white. But I also didn't really look white at all, so... I was very confused for a very long time. I had no Asian community (other than my mom, who is an immigrant, but she grew up partly in the U.S. at a time where assimilation was the rule of the day) so I didn't know how to connect with that side of my identity. I felt so lost that I ignored thinking about my identity for many years. I didn't feel like part of any group. As an adult I've also been sensitive to people making assumptions about my identity. When people talk about me "being Asian" I often feel odd because I didn't grow up in an Asian community... so it's weird to be lumped into that group (there's also the fact that "Asian" itself is such a broad and absurd category...) but it's also odd that without asking me they're just erasing part of my identity. I think it's valid and important for me to identify as "mixed." I sometimes feel awkward in Asian communities because I'm not quite "Asian enough"... I don't speak Chinese or know that much about the culture, history, food, etc. Which is sad, but also not really my fault. Oh, it's also really annoying when white men lecture me on how I need to "reconnect" with my Asian heritage... it's gross and... they need to shut up. It's my choice, my identity, and none of their business. And I can't help but assume they're saying that for all the wrong reasons... ugh.

Did your parents encounter any difficulties from being in an interracial relationship? I'm not sure because they don't really talk about their relationship at all and probably try to ignore or look away from difficulties. I feel like they fall into an older generation that buys more into the lie of "colorblindness." I know my dad has mentioned that his mom (my grandma) always thought that my mom was not that smart (horrible thing to say, I know) because she can be "spacey" but I always thought it might be racism. Also, some of my dad's extended family is white, southern, and openly racist against black people which as a kid made me really uncomfortable (for many reasons but partly because I always wondered what they were thinking about my mom! And me.) But it was never talked about.

How has your mixed background impacted your sense of identity and belonging? It's been hard to feel like I belong. I didn't grow up in a community of Asian people so for years I didn't know how to feel about being half-Asian. But I also don't look white so I felt really different and like I stuck out and was physically ugly. I'm also constantly told I look "ethnically ambiguous" so I never was sure what stereotypes people were applying to me (and how they were affecting the way people treated me). Growing up in New Mexico I think a lot of people assumed I was Native American which was confusing because I don't know much about that culture and didn't want people to think I was representing it. So not knowing how I identified left a lot of power in other people's hands... and it left me feeling constantly off-kilter and alone. I don't think I really knew any other half-Asian kids (except my brother and his experience was quite different, partly because he's male, perhaps looked a little more white as a kid, and doesn't face as much exoticizing, fetishizing, and sexism) so I felt completely isolated in my experience. I would say I was lucky though, to have grown up in a very racially diverse state where I wasn't the only non-white kid. That definitely helped things... I didn't stick out quite the way I would have in other places. But most POC around me were Hispanic and I didn't belong in that main "other" category. But I am very grateful for the richness that growing up in a Hispanic community added to my life.

Have you been asked questions like "What are you?" or "Where are you from?" by strangers? If so, how do you typically respond? Yes, constantly! I used to just grin and bear it, giving people the benefit of the doubt. But experiencing this time after time, day after day, year after year... it's worn me down. I have less patience for it now. I went through many phases of trying to figure out how to respond. It's still hard for me, I get tongue-tied or paralyzed at times because it puts me in a difficult position... if people are being out-and-out racist I don't want to respond kindly and gently and meekly, but if I get upset I'll be seen as "over-reacting" and being sensitive or defensive or even aggressive and bitchy... seen as "rejecting" kindness or flattery. So depending on how the question is framed I'll say "I'm from Albuquerque" (even though I know what they're getting at) or if I'm more worn down I'll say "My mom is Chinese" (because that's what they really want to know). If I have enough energy I'm trying to answer with "Why do you need to know?" Usually if people ask in a way that isn't dehumanizing or demanding, I'm happy to talk about it but I wish people understood why I'm wary... (hint: some people just wanna stereotype me, put me in a box, categorize me, exoticize me, fetishize me, other me...)

Have you experienced people making comments about you based on your appearance? Yes, constantly! The number one comment I've received over my lifetime is "OH, you're so exotic-looking!" With the expectation that I should smile and thank the giver of this oh-so-generous compliment. They don't realize that this can be a harmful and hurtful comment. When I worked at a restaurant, people (well, men) would often make comments about me and my appearance, and even make "bets" with their friends about my ethnicity. Sometimes they'd literally physically grab me as I was walking by and with no introduction say "Hey, what ARE you? We have a bet going." Oh, white people often comment on me having a "tan" or being jealous of my tan... awkward, since it's just my skin color.

Have you ever been mistaken for another ethnicity? Yes, constantly! I get SO MANY GUESSES and 95% of the time they aren't right. A lot of people think I'm Native American. Others think Hispanic/Latina. People don't usually think Asian really, maybe because I'm from New Mexico and have lived in places with low Asian populations. Others just make guesses that seem totally random... they'll say things like "I thought you were Uzbek!" It feels like they're just throwing out places that they don't know anything about.

Have you ever felt the need to change your behavior due to how you believe others will perceive you? In what way? Yes, definitely! When I was younger a lot of my friends would say "You're basically white" so I felt uncomfortable challenging that or speaking up about how I felt different. I thought I should act as "white" as possible to conform to their expectations and keep them comfortable. And as I mentioned, since I never know what people are assuming about my background I'm always a little off-kilter... being from New Mexico people have given me turquoise jewelry, but I hesitate to wear it, not wanting to lead people to believe I'm Native American, etc. In POC spaces I sometimes feel shame about the privilege I enjoy being part-white with education and class privilege... so that's something I'm working through.

What positive benefits have you experienced by being mixed? I feel like maybe looking "ambiguous" has been a benefit because when people can't categorize me they can't stereotype me... maybe, ha. But having an experience outside of the norm is definitely enriching in some ways. I have life experiences that help me challenge the status quo in this country and be more mindful and critical of certain things. And being half-white and having a white parent, I receive a lot of privilege... in terms of class, wealth, etc. I have to be mindful of that. And just existing as a person who is more than one race, when race is supposed to be so solid and all-encompassing, can sometimes be a challenge to people's beliefs and to the white supremacy culture that we live in.

Have you changed the way you identify yourself over the years? Yes! For most of my life I didn't know how to identify, I was confused and tried to avoid the topic. I knew I wasn't really white but I didn't want to unfairly appropriate the term "person of color" when I didn't fall fully into that category. More recently I've more fully embraced my identify as a person of color (and as "mixed") and have found solidarity with others who understand the trials, tribulations, and joys that come with being non-white.

Are you proud to be mixed? Sometimes