#like c'mon comedic gold was RIGHT THERE

[jonathanbyersphd]

It is a crime that I didn't get to watch Steve be Jonathan and Nancy's third wheel.

[whirlybirbs]

I’m just craving so good boi Thor content if you got it!

HAMMERED      |     a thor odinson drabble

note: i love writing this big man as being a horribly lovesick idiot who cannot flirt, who also has lightning-related mishaps when he gets nervous. it's fun. also this gif accurately paints the mood.

pairing: thor/f!reader, a 'we-all-live-in-the-tower' au

tags: drabble, a little blurb, thor is romantic, you're a medic, thor hates needles, helen cho is a wingwoman, mostly a comedic blurb, steve n thor are besties

"Good to know I'm not the only one here with plans to get absolutely hammered—"

Beside you, Helen Cho snorts into her glass of riesling. It's — no doubt — worth about triple your monthly rent. After all, it is coming from the personal stock of the one and only Tony Stark.

That's what the Iron Man did on nights like this in the Tower: he pulled out all the stops.

And so did most of the team. Plus-one's included.

Your comment, however, hadn't been aimed at Helen. Rather, it was muttered in amusement at the swaggering entrance of Thor — and, in tow, his mighty cask of Asgardian mead.

That stuff was treated like liquid gold around here. I mean, you once watched a single shot of the stuff put Clint Barton outta commission for three days. For two of them, he was still drunk.

For men like Thor, Rogers and the recent (brooding and tentatively murderous) addition to the team — Sergeant James Barnes — the stuff was just the right amount of alcohol per volume to produce the usual, coveted effect that normal spirits were unable to supply.

The bottle hanging from Thor's hands is made of a murky, green glass — and it's big. You're a bit ashamed to admit you'd probably purchased one or two Barefoot Rosés in that gargantuan size. The wax seal around the bottle's neck is pitch black. The label is scrawled with the sort of runes you'd usually tap Erik Selvig in on.

But, context clues are context clues.

It's booze.

And Thor, as soon as he makes eye-contact with you across the room, is thanking the Gods he decided to bring this — because really, how else was he going to muster up the courage to walk over there and talk to you?

What, like... Like some sort of... Normal person?

He's a God. And — a-and you're... You're the very funny, very sweet, very kind member of the medical team who is always so gentle when Thor manages to injure himself enough on missions to warrant attention. It's rare, but the worst bit is: he isn't exactly keen on it. No, no. He much prefers healing magic — an admission that to him even seems laughable.

By Odin's beard, he is Thor. The God of Thunder. Generations of viking kin, true warriors, have prayed to him for strength in battle, for guidance in war. He is the Champion of Storms, protector of Midgard.

And here he is: afraid of needles.

Thor shifts awkwardly on his feet, watching you converse lightly with Dr. Cho across the room — and he stalls enough that Steve sees it.

The Captain's usual greeting is met with half-there silence. A far-away handshake-hug. And though maybe Steve isn't looking for his own dance partner tonight, it doesn't mean he isn't keenly aware of his good friend's center-of-attention. The same center-of-attention that's been the center-of-attention for weeks now.

"C'mon," Steve rumbles lowly, gesturing with his chin, "Let's get you a drink, and get you over there."

Thor holds up a hand. He narrows his brows. "I can't simply—"

"What's stoppin' you?" Steve asks, decidedly Brooklyn-esque of him.

"She's... I mean — you can see her, can't you?" Thor grits out, leaning in close, "Oh, Gods, she's looking over here—"

"—I thought you were supposed to be Crown Prince of Asgard—"

"I am," Thor hisses, ducking to seem busy by the entrance to the upper-level of the Tower. There's a table by the elevator. He fiddles with a framed photo of Stark and Parker, "I am and all the... y'know, courtship blah blah blah was handled by advisors. And my mother. I was never very good at it—"

"Hey, you two."

Thor jumps six feet in the air, and in that moment, a zap of lightning touches the tip of your nose. He nearly drops the bottle of Asgardian Mead. Steve catches it. Thor leans, one hand on the table, and the other on his hip.

He tries to seem nonchalant.

You promptly sneeze, and Steve can't help but look wide-eyed at Thor with a semi-panicked expression.

You rub your nose and laugh, a bit stunned — only to find that Steve and Thor are looking at you like you've got three heads.

For a moment, you wonder if maybe you've got something in your teeth. Or maybe the margarita Natasha made has turned your mouth an artificial cherry color. But, no. You see why they're staring when you catch a glimpse of yourself in the elevator's mirror. It opens and reveals a perplexed Scott Lang. Behind him, you see your reflection.

(Scott always looked kinda confused. Nothing new there.)

As the doors close, you realize that all the hairs on your head are standing up straight.

Waiting for a lightning strike.

You laugh — as bright as the sun in the midst of a storm — and Thor swears it will be the death of him.

"Relax, Thunderdome," you chirp, nudging his arm, "We gotta work on the static build-up."

Ha. Right.

Static.

Friction.

No — no, no, no, no don't go there.

Thor musters up a nervous smile.

"Totally."

... He could go for that drink right about now.

[gophergal]

So I finished this a week ago, but I'm posting it now. Gotta pace myself, lmao. Take this smut, ya nasties (affectionate)

Only If You Want This

Word Count: 1k+ | Rating: N S F W | Fem! Jason Voorhees x Reader | F/F

Warnings: Smut, I wrote with a female reader in mind but I dont think it shows up (you could read them as gn, but im still warning just in case)

The sun hang low in the sky as you sat in the grass with Jay, the intense rays of gold catching in her hair, making it glow like embers. Your hands worked deftly weaving the wildflowers you'd picked earlier into a crown as you watched her. Jay's eyes were firmly fixated on the horizon, as far as you could tell with her mask on. She seemed deep in thought when you placed the completed crown on her head, startling slightly as it made contact, but quickly relaxing as you met gazes.

“Thank you, it's pretty,” she signed carefully.

“A pretty crown for a pretty woman,” you told her, watching as her body language changed. Her hands came together in her lap shyly as she tilted her chin downward. Slowly, you pushed a lock of her red hair behind her ear. She shivered slightly at your touch. “I really do think you're beautiful, Jay. Mask or no mask, you'll always be the prettiest girl I know. I'm lucky to have you.”

She looked up in slight disbelief, her blue eyes unsure.

“I mean it. I don't ever want you to feel pressured into anything, but I promise you, what you look like doesn't make me love you any differently. Every part of you is beautiful in my eyes,” you assured her.

She nodded and took your hands into her own larger, gloved hands. The two of you sat that way for a while as the sky grew dark and the air cooled. Eventually she stood, pulling you to your feet and leading the way back on the trail towards your shared cabin. She walked slower than usual, her normally long stride shortened. Her eyes refused to meet yours and you suddenly felt as though you overstepped a boundary. Anxiety twisted in your belly as you mulled it over. It wasn't that you needed to see her face to be with her. No, as much as you wanted to kiss her (other than on her mask) what you truly wanted was for her to feel safe and comfortable around you.

The two of you sat down for a brief supper consisting of whatever you could grow in the garden or hunt and gather from the woods. Jay waited for you in the main room of the cabin, staring intently at the fireplace. You leaned against her when you sat, pressing into her side quietly. For a moment, neither of you moved, until Jay moved away, turning toward you. She took your hands in hers, carefully bringing them up to the corners of her mask. There was a slight tremble in her movements, as she guided you to remove the fiberglass piece. Her face was revealed in all its asymmetric beauty. Her features were twisted in a nervous grimace, eyes wet as she awaited your reaction. Placing the mask to the side with care, you take her face in your hands with a loving grin on your face.

“Jay Voorhees, you are absolutely stunning. You ought to know that,” you say, running a thumb across her right cheek. Her eyes were wide and a hot blush fell across her cheeks. The taller woman's shoulders trembled slightly as her breathing picked up. You decided to go in for the kill. Slowly, you closed the gap between your lips, giving her time to push you away if need be. Instead, her dark lashes fluttered closed as you pressed your mouths together. She mirrored your soft movements, melting against you until she was quite literally in your lap.

Parting your lips, you took her lower lip between your teeth gently. A low, hoarse moan came from Jay's lips, and she stiffened in embarrassment, pulling away to bury her face in your chest. You chuckled slightly, carding your fingers through her auburn hair.

“Sweetheart, look at me. There's nothing to be embarrassed about,” you said to her, lips against her hair. She pulled back to look at you before initiating a second kiss herself. She gained confidence slowly, gauging your reaction to her actions. In an unexpected, but not unwelcome turn, her hands roamed further down your body, coming to rest at your hips. You followed suit, caressing the firm muscles of her abs before wrapping your arms around her waist. She whined as you pulled away for air, needy and addicted to the attention you were giving her.

You grinned, bringing your lips to her neck, pressing chaste kisses to the soft skin. She squirmed, skin growing hot beneath you. Her hands shifted across your back, trying to remain grounded along this overwhelming experience. Pressing your forehead against hers, you caught your breath, reining yourself in against the dirty images that crossed your mind. She shouldn't be pushed to do anything like that so soon, after all.

“C'mon, let's head to bed, honey,” you said, caressing her cheek. She obliged, climbing off your lap and helping to your feet. You careened into her chest, giggling. Having her weight in your lap had caused your legs to fall asleep. Changing into your sleepwear, heat pooled in your body. You swatted away your horny thoughts, trying to banish them so you could have a good night's sleep with your girlfriend. She took the position of little spoon. Imagining how you must look made you smile, the visual of your body curled protectively around her much larger frame comedic.

You couldn't recall falling asleep, but awoke suddenly to the movement of Jay in your arms. It was subtle and she made no sound, but she gently took your hand from where it was clamped down on her abdomen, then moved it to her chest. You let her, worried that if you let on that you were aware of what she was doing that it would make your relationship backpedal. When she gasped softly, you moved your hand experimentally, giving her chest a soft squeeze. The other hand reached around to her hip, running down her thigh and playing with the hem of her shorts.

“Oh, Jay. You react so nicely. If you wanted to mess around with me, all you had to do is ask,” you whisper in her ear. She turns to you, eyes bright in the darkness.

“It's dirty. I can't ask,” She signs.

“Of course you can. It's not a bad thing, but I'll only keep going if you ask me too.”

She hesitated, contemplative look on her face as she flexed her fingers.

“Could you...make me feel good?” she asks, cheeks darkening.

“I'd be honored to, madame,” you tell her as you crawl over her. You capture her lips once again, moving the kiss along swiftly to worship the sweet skin of her neck and work down to her sports bra. She mewled hoarsely, more vocal than you expected. With exaggerated movements, you help her relieve her breasts of their cloth prison. Palming, the pale globes, you marveled at the contrast between her tan lines, creamy chest, and flushed nipples.

You took one into your mouth, suckling and swirling your tongue around it as she grabbed your hair roughly. Slowly, you snake your hand into the front of her shorts, parting the lips of her mound and spreading the slick. She wiggles her hips, moaning as she bumps your fingers against her clit. You can't help but rub circles against the sensitive nub, occasionally grazing the tip so you might tease those soft sounds from her. Fingers probe her hole, and though she is nervous, she lets you work. Her head is swimming with warmth and she bucks against your hand.

You slip a finger into her warm pussy, massaging the soft walls within her. Then add another once she's relaxed. Your teeth find her neck, nibbling softly at her skin. She moaned sharply, louder than before, and you realize that you must have found her g-spot, the combination of that and the teeth on her neck surging through her body. You massaged that spongy part of her pussy again, curling your fingers just so and pressing your thumb against her clit.

Her ragged breathing quickened as she climbed toward her peak, fingers gripping the bed to find purchase. A soft cry cut through the night air as she came, trembling under your ministrations. You continued to finger her through her high, removing your hand when she finally relaxes. Wiping her juices off your fingers, you lay down next to her. She pulls you against her bare chest, putting her chin on your head.

[milkacchan]

Request for anon: oml write big bro midoriya hcs please ? 😭🥺

Big brother Izu

• You would think, Izu would be a much softer brother, and in ways you'd be right.

• But he's also fucking FERAL

• THE FIGHTS BETWEEN YALL?? DIRTY AS F U C K

• Your mom is always like yo what the fuck

• Always a mix between superb strategy and just downright dirty moves

• You two keep a tally on whos winning

• In any case, he loves you, he really does.

• You're younger, only by a year but he still had this insane amount of urge to protect you however he can

• He was jealous of you when he was a kid. You had a quirk, he didn't.

• But he never acted on that jealousy. He never paid it just mind.

• You have the same quirk as mom, just on a bigger scale.

• You could move more, lift heavier objects, and there was a greater span of energy, less limits.

• And into academy you went, following the footsteps of your feral yet shy brother

• first and foremost, you two keep very little secrets

• God youre both always oversharing

• so it KILLED him inside to keep one for all from you

• to keep all-might from you

• he told you eventually, shortly before Katsuki figured it out

• c'mon, youre izukus sibling, youre smart too

• ONE HUNDRED PERCENT tried to fight all might at one point for MULTIPLE reasons

• Tried to beat the fuck out of kacchan to

• you: *in the middle of beating allmight* THATS for locking kacchan up at the sports festival, what kind of dumb shit was that

Kacchan: haha nice

You: nah nah nah you getting these hands to tf??

Izuku: y/n n o! Use the spiders like we talked about

• It wasnt uncommon to see you two together at school. You were usually his side during his free time, not that either of you minded

• Class 1A 'little sister' vibes

• Izuku is very protective.

• he knows you can take care of yourself, he does. He knows you're MORE than capable, truly- but that doesn't stop him from worrying constantly

• Mineta said something about you once, Izu put him in the hospital

• He tries to watch your training when he can.

• He does this 1. Because the thought of you hurt makes him antsy and 2. He takes notes and reads them back so you can improve

• he trains with you a lot too

• the two of you duke shit out this way, arguments and what not.

• whoever wins the fight wins the argument, unless its something serious, in which case intellect is involved

• almost every morning, he brings you lunch (usually something kacchan made, he's trying to make some type of ammends for yalls childhood) He'll walk into your dorm building and either set it in the fridge or give it to you before the two of you head out

• he also tries to walk you to class in the morning when he can

• now, izuku is very supportive, but you two are siblings, youre going to get kn eachothers nerves

• and when this happens the insults are brutal 😭

• he's put into a shitty mood whenever yall fight

• he can deal with fighting w kacchan or his class mates, sure he doesn't like to but he can deal w them being made at him. It won't really bother him

• but fighting with you?

• he hates it

• puts him in a fuck all mood until its resolved

• izu in a bad mood is just plain scary and class A just reaps the fuckin days it happens

• this man sends you the weirdest shit i SWEAR 😭

• Talking bout some 'this tree reminds me of you that one time ma whooped your ass'

• and its just a picture of this really scrangly scrawny and bent tree

• hit him with 'that tree finna be you when I whoop your ass'

• allmight memes 😭

• UA memes 😭

• literally just jokes only yall will understand

• the s n a p s bruh

• its not super often yall snap but the shit you two send back and forth is just comedic gold

• v u l g a r jokes bruh

• planned crime fr

• he includes you in that shit you

• and you, being the gremlin you are, re MORE than happy to fuck shit up

• is definitely that brother to take you out to do things so you know how you should be treated

• he wants you to be happy and even though he can be annoying, and over protective, yall have a really great bond

• yall ride or die siblings for real

[ununniliad]

Burst Beetle Tweseveny #4: "2007: The Limits of Infinity and the Time on One's Hands!"

With a PWEEYOOM! a pair of burning tire tracks blasts across the asphalt, and in a stream of flashing colors, Burst Beetle Tweseveny appears!

"Aha! Back to action, and... um..." Tweseveny is alone in a back alley, her only companions a garbage can, a recycling bin, a soiled, broken bottle of Mister Paprika Code Indigo that was clearly supposed to have gone in the recycling bin, and a poster for a slam poetry event. "Hm."

She looks around carefully, and pushes the little red gem below the clock face on her belt, armor disappearing in a burst of amber light. "Well, I suppose one should explore before jumping into a situation."

Burst Beetle Tweseveny takes two confident steps out of the alleyway! And a newspaper flies thru the air and smacks her in the face! "Ackpth!"

She flails around blindly, trips on a banana peel (left there by fellow time-traveler Comedic Banana Peel Man, visiting from the 1940s), and falls backwards into a pile of trash bags.

She peels the newspaper carefully off her face. "Oh... ow." She stares up at the sky for a while. "...ow."

...she stares up at the sky for another while. "...didn't think this sort of thing happened to net.heroes."

Burst Beetle Tweseveny heaves a big sigh, gives a crooked little smile, and stands up. "But I'm still here, and still free." The fingers of her left hand stroke softly over her belt buckle and the phone inside. With her right, she holds up the newspaper and squints at it. "April... 272nd? Wh-- Oh! Of course, this is 2007! It's the Infinite April!"

<<<*>>>

Every day, the Legion has a new leader! Every night, at the stroke of midnight-- they disappear!! Over the days and weeks of an unending April, the Legion struggles to uncover the mysterious force causing them to disappear one by one! Will the dwindling forces of net.heroism be able to overcome this Infinite Leadership Crisis--

                        --before the last Legionnaire vanishes?!  

<<<*>>>

She hops to her feet, tossing the newspaper aside and running her hands thru her hair. "Well, well! It makes sense that if I traveled to 2007, I'd hit April - it was over a year long! What an event!" She looks around, limbs filling with enthusiasm. "So! First off, I'm going to need a shower. But where will I find  some good samaritans who will be open to helping out some random person?"

She turns, looking across the street, and her gaze falls on a building that takes up a whole city block, a building shaped like a cross between a grand hotel and an upside-down computer monitor, a building radiant with the spirit of heroism - the headquarters of the Legion of Net.Heroes, literally right there in front of her!

"Ah!" She grins, striding confidently forward through the revolving door! Within, an expansive, sunny foyer, studded with friendly succulents and the Spectacular Spider-Plant, and featuring a large, round desk in the middle, with an "INFORMATION" sign hanging above it!

And there, sitting behind said desk - a friendly-faced young Hispanic man! His hair, a faded pink with dark roots and a shaggy, uneven cut! His T-shirt, white, with doodles all over it in various colors of marker, continuing onto his skin as temporary tattoos in pen and ink! Two of the nails on his left hand are painted neon green, and three on the right are ebon black, all ten with gold sparklies on top! On his shirt, a handmade button that says "LEADER" in purple sharpie!

He looks down at his phone, brow furrowed in concentration! "C'mon, c'mon, daddy needs a Fanficuno..."

"Ah, excuse me?" says Tweseveny, stepping forward.

"Bvwmeep!" The young man slams! the phone on the desk, sitting up straight. "Hello, nice to meet you, my name is Time-Waster Lad, interim leader of the Legion of Net.Heroes, how can I assist with your emergency?"

"Er..." Tweseveny blinks in momentary startlement, and then a return to solid purpose! "I was wondering if I could take a shower here!"

"Oh!" Time-Waster Lad sags in relief. "Sure, definitely. We have some community showers in the Non-Peril Gym that Weight-Lifting Lady had built when she was leader. C'mon, I'll show you down!"

Time-Waster Lad guides Tweseveny through a door at the back of the foyer, leading to a long hallway. So long, indeed, that Tweseveny can barely see the other end - it seems a football field away, far far too far for the building she'd seen on the outside, and she thrills! The transcendent, ever-changing architecture of LNHQ! She gets to experience it, in person, as a person!

Today, the carpets are lush and thick, in bright colors speckled with triangular patterns, like a bowling alley. The walls are a cheerful sky blue, but in the distance, seem to shift towards a soft pink. Dozens of doors line the hallway, labeled as leading into various rooms; "Monitor Room", "Plot Device Room", "Peril Room", and many others. Dozens of other hallways intersect with it, often at strange and improbable angles. It is lit with warm LEDs, and occasionally, a geographically improbable window to let in the sunlight.

"There certainly don't seem to be many LNHers around today," says Tweseveny,  admiring a framed portrait of Tsar Chasm in a Napoleonic pose.

"Ah, well, they're all out on missions," says Time-Waster Lad, twirling a lock of hair. "It's been a while, but remember that press release we put out back when April didn't end?"

"Oh," says Tweseveny, a slight blush of social mistakery coloring her cheeks, "actually, I'm a time traveler - I just landed today. But I'd heard about the Infinite April before."

"Oh, okay, neat," says Time-Waster Lad, as used as any veteran net.hero to temporal shenanigans. "Well, we've been having a lot of trouble keeping up on missions as our team keeps disappearing. We've got those robot duplicates Dr. Stomper made before he disappeared, but they're..." He bites his lip, clearly trying to come up with a diplomatic description! "They're not exactly 100% on the acting right. So we keep them for the small stuff. But most of the team is out doing one net.hero thing or another."

"Gotcha gotcha. It makes sense that the leader would hold down the fort!"

"...haha, yeah, it sure does..." Time-Waster Lad gives a little cough and walks thru an open doorway, into a locker room tiled in warm, bright colors, with birdsong piped in in the background.

"Super swanky!" comments Tweseveny, picking out a particularly bright shower with a rainbow mosaic, stepping in and closing the door behind her.

"Yeah, Sing-Along Lass said that even exercise can be cheerful and nice." Time-Waster Lad takes Tweseveny's clothes as she passes them over, and puts them into the super-speed washer-dryer Domestic Lad had installed when he was leader. "No use putting dirty clothes on a clean body, that's what he told us."

"Excellent advice! You certainly seem to be a good listener!" The warm water cascades over Tweseveny's tired muscles, and she feels her body relaxing, invigorating, mmm!

Time-Waster Lad smiles, leaning against the wall. "Thank you! But it seems like I only listen to the stuff that isn't important. If someone's giving me an order, it slips right out..." He stares off into space, humming musically for a couple minutes. "...oh!" He starts, straightening up. "Sorry, I started just... talkin' about myself!" He rubs the back of his head ruefully.

"Hah! That's all right," says Tweseveny, soaping herself off - gosh, you get sweaty fighting net.villains! "People say I'm a good listener too, and I gotta tell you, I don't mind lending a helpful ear."

"Aw, you're super sweet!" He runs his hands thru his hair, relaxing. "Still, I didn't ask - what's going on with you?"

She works shampoo into her hair, her scalp luxuriating in the stimulation. "I've been bopping around thru time a bit, and just kind of landed in this month."

"Oh man!" Time-Waster Lad shakes his head. "That's not surprising, it's so friggin' long! Like, I was supposed to go for my ADHD screening at the beginning of May, but..."

Tweseveny smiles, filling her voice with encouragement! "Well, I'm from the future, so I know it'll end eventually!"

"Sure," says Time-Waster Lad, with the tones of someone who is trying to be positive but has heard this all before. "But is it our future? Contraption Man said this never happened in his timeline, and Kid Kirby poked at a bunch of alternate timelines before he vanished and couldn't see an end to this."

Tweseveny hums in thought. She's actually read this story, so she knows how it will turn out, but-- actually, come to think, could this be some kind of Elsewhirl, an alternate-universe story? She hasn't considered the metafictional implications of her visit - and there's the lingering suspicion that, sometime soon, she will wake from this sweet dream of being powerful and fighting for good...

She shakes herself out. Dream or not, she's in the story now! "That's fair. So, as today's leader, how are you dealing with it?"

"Heh, well, everybody who can do work right now on the disappearing leaders problem already is, it seems like? So I'm just manning the des... ohhhhh biscuits I forgot I was running the desk! Frick frick frick..." Despite the cuteness of his euphemistic swearing, Time-Waster Lad is clearly freaking out!

"Oop!" Tweseveny turns off the water and does a quick pass with the towel! "Time-Waster Lad, before you continue freaking out, could you please pass me my clothes?"

"Frick frick frick sure..." Time-Waster Lad pulls open the dryer and tosses the clothes underhand to Tweseveny, then starts pulling on his hair. "Daaaaah..."

"Thank you!" Tweseveny gets dressed in a right hurry. She needs to get something more suited to a net.hero than beige skirts and sensible blouses, but there's no time for that now! Boldly, she steps out of the shower, takes Time-Waster Lad by the shoulders, and shakes him a bit! "Snap out of it, man!" Gosh, she's always wanted to say that!

"Sorry, sorry, sorry, I just, I just, I just--"

"Snap out of it more than that, please!" Tweseveny grabs a bucket, sets the shower to Breathtakingly Cold, fills the bucket, rears back, and--

"Okay no I think I snapped out of it now!!" Time-Waster Lad throws his hands up in front of his face.

"Oh, good." Tweseveny puts down the bucket and sweeps Time-Waster Lad into a hug! "It's okay! We shall go back to the desk together and Hang Out and Talk and Relax."

"mmberf" After Tweseveny lets go, Time-Waster Lad draws a deep breath into his body, spreads his hands, and lets the cloud of panic disperse. "Okay. Cool." He shakes out his head. "Thanks."

She takes his hand, and together, the two of them walk back down the corridors of the LNHQ. Tweseveny stays quiet, giving Time-Waster Lad time and space to breathe, to consider, in the sunlight of the nice day, in the warm breezes of the architecturally improbable windows.

As they pass the Plot Device Room, without preamble, Time-Waster Lad speaks. "I miss Miss Translation."

"Miss Translation..." Tweseveny pokes at her memories, of reading the older LNH series, scrolling through her news feed in delighted glee... "She was the alien who had a hard time speaking English, right?"

"Right. Once you learned her dialect, though, she was really easy to talk to. Together, we headed up a whole subgroup, one of the smaller teams within the LNH. She was the one who leapt forward and made things happen, and I was the one who took his time and made the plans and make sure things would work out." A great sigh heaves its way out of Time-Waster Lad's lungs. "And then... we lost a teammate. And the whole team got kicked out. Except for me." He runs his hands through his mop of pink hair. "Because, I guess, the Ultimate Ninja... didn't think I was one of them."

"Ohhh..." Tweseveny feels the weight in Time-Waster Lad's belly. The casual dismissal of the leadership he had been proud of... "I'm sorry."

"Yeah." The corridor ends, and the two of them are back in the foyer. "And then, just to kick everything in the pants?" Time-Waster Lad vaults the back of the reception desk and turns to face her. "They all got lost in space."

"Gosh," says Tweseveny, and means it, leaning her elbows on the desk, putting her face in her hands, and looking up at him. "That's painful."

"Right?" he says, and sighs, flopping into the rolly chair. "Starts-Arguments-For-No-Reason Kid and Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive Girl are back now. Not sure what the story is there... I think they might not remember it, but they definitely don't want to talk about it. When Limp-Asparagus Lad was leader, he sent out invitations for them to come back, along with a lot of other inactive former LNHers, and they did." Time-Waster Lad leans his head back and kicks his feet up, pressing them into the edge of the desktop. "But Ultimate Ninja might just kick them out again when he comes back. If he comes back." He blows a breath out loose lips. "And that was my last experience being a leader, sort of."

"Time-Waster Lad..." Tweseveny reaches for him... but her hand curls in a fist. She doesn't know what to say...

A throat is cleared on the other side of the room. "I'm sorry..."

Tweseveny and Time-Waster lad look up, roused from the depressing discussion! There, having just come in the door - two figures!

One, a tall woman in her early twenties, in a glittering silver dress, pale silver hair with a deep purple streak, an amethyst nose piercing, and high heels. She holds up an hourglass full of silvery sand and grins in manic confidence!

The other, a figure in a hooded robe, his face cast in constant shadow no matter how he moves! His body is hidden by the rich brown fabric, its texture sumptuous and expensive, yet continually exuding a noxious smell; starting off subtle, yet getting stronger by the moment!

"...but is this a bad... time?" the woman finishes, a maniacal glint in her eye!

"You're..." says Time-Waster Lad, eyes widening in recognition...

"That's right," says the hooded figure, working enthusiasm into his voice. "The devilish duo of trans-temporal terror!"

The woman raises her hourglass! "Mother Time and the Time Crapper!"

<<<*>>>

Author's Notes: Finally, Tweseveny returns!

There's a lot of reasons it took me almost two years to come back to this. A two-part storyline ended up ballooning to six parts, as I found more things I wanted to do with it, in terms of emotions, continuity, and cool shit. The continuity required a lot of research, and the emotions required a lot of heavy lifting. But it's done now, and I'm proud of it - I hope you will be too!

In re: Contraption Man: In the first Infinite Leadership Crisis issue, Contraption Man shows up yelling "No future!" and then goes into a coma, but he shows up perfectly okay later. I thought about commenting on that situation, but frankly, I'm going to be doing a lot of continuity-stitching in this storyline, so I'll save that for some other ILC insert.

"berf" as a sound effect of something mildly discomfiting happening is stolen from Questionable Content.

Time-Waster Lad created by Raythrax, Not Reserved.

The Time Crapper created by Jef Kolodziej, Free For Use.

Mother Time created by... shoot, it's not on the wiki. It's Arthur, right? In LNHCP #43? And I'm pretty sure she's Not Reserved and/or Free For Use??

[dietaku]

Amazing Quest 1: Chapter 8

Here it is, the penultimate chapter. Only a little bit more!

Chapter 8: Collect-a-thon! Alright, team, ready to get all the items necessary for the best ending? Of course you are! The first and most important thing in this chapter is that we can get Hiro's ultimate weapon now. We actually need to go back to the small, otherwise-useless lake near Toruble Castle and you need to go noodling a few times and then sit and wait 5 real-world minutes. Go ahead and grab yourself a drink or a sammich or something. Hiro: Doo-doo-dee-doo~ Hm? Suddenly, the water in the lake glows and a lovely, buxom lady rises slowly from the light. Hiro: What the heck--?! Woman: Fear not, Hiro of the Pudding Tribe, I am Eroustei, goddess of light and mercy. Eroustei then presents two swords, one a glimmering gold color, and one with an ornate hilt and silvery blade. Eroustei: Did you drop this Sword of Power, or this Gold Blade? Hiro: But I didn't drop a sword. I have mine right here. Eroustei: … Let's try this again. Did you drop a sword that will grant you great might, or this sword that will bring you great fortune? Hiro: Oh, I don't need either of those. I have my friends. So long as I have them, then I don't need to rely on artifacts and legends to find my way. Eroustei: YOU BITCH!!! Eroustei very angrily winds up and hurls both swords at Hiro, who bash him with their hilts. Hiro: GYAAAAH! Hiro is knocked flat. Eroustei: YOU THINK IT'S EASY DOING THIS LADY IN THE LAKE THING, YOU INGRATE?! Hiro: Owww... Eroustei: YOU NEED TO THINK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS, YA JERK! Eroustei drops back into the water and out of sight. Hiro gets: PdngSword and GoldSword! Hiro: Wh-what just happened...? Hiro's best sword is, obviously, the PdngSword which is a huge step up from any other weapon in the game for him. The GoldSword is, in itself, useless (Loyroll can equip it, but it's not terribly strong), but leads to our next quest! We have to find the little encampment to the south of ToneLand's island, which can be a little tricky to get to. But once we're there, we'll meet an old man. Old Man: Hey there! I'm the weapons maniac! I dedicate my life to things that cut others short! Haha! A little dark humor there! Hiro: That's pretty dark alrig-- Old Man: Hey, is that a sword made of gold?! M-may I please see it? Hiro: Sure. Not doing us any good anyway. The Old Man takes it, admiring it lovingly. Old Man: The sheen. The weight. The beauty... Loyroll: The inability to retain an edge? Old Man: I... I must have this! W-what if I traded you for something of equal value?! Hiro: Um. I guess... that's fine? The Old Man runs into his tent and returns, giving the party the TinFlStar, the strongest weapon for Kimaywa! Kimyawa: Yatta! Old Man: This weapon is deceptively powerful. Treasure it always! Hiro: Um. Well, one man's trash, I suppose... At this point, wander around and get into a fight with Kimyawa and Loyroll in the fray. Have Loyroll use the Mirror of Ki and you'll be treated to an amusing scene where Kimyawa's new weapon gets caught in the fire and all the enemies get incinerated. Kimyawa: Nii-chan! Baka! You nearly cooked us all! Loyroll: Even after all this time, this legendary artifact of our ancestors contains fabulous secret powers! Perhaps we could harness this more constructively? You've unlocked Kimyawa and Loyroll's strongest dual tech: Over-Arcing. This deals huge light-based damage to all enemies. And now it's time to revisit an old friend: you have been taking care of Stinky the Griffohump this whole game, right? Well, if you have, by now, he's likely evolved into his adolescent form, where his wings are more developed and his mismatched eyes have evened out. Once all his stats are over 500, which should happen around now-ish if you've been taking good care of him, he'll evolve into his adult form, where he actually resembles a majestic creature of myth and even has a Pudding Warrior Knot on the side of his head, like Hiro's. Hiro: Yes! I knew you had it in you! You were just like me – you just needed a guiding hand to help you out! At this point, the rancher from before walks up. Hiro: Have a look! It's all thanks to you! Rancher: Who'd have guessed you'd really do it? Well done. Hiro: The last of his kind, the proud Griffohump~! Rancher: Oh. Right. That. Yeah, no, he's not the last of his kind. Hiro: W-what? Does that mean... you found him a mate? Rancher: … Dude, Griffohumps are everywhere. They're overpopulated in most regions of the world where they live because nothing wants to eat them. People that try usually end up in the hospital from food poisoning and depression. Hiro: … Rancher: We tell people they're the last of their kind to give them some kind of marketing appeal. I'm genuinely amazed that you made something of him. So I guess the joke's on me. Hiro turns to Stinky as the rancher walks off. Hiro: You and me. We are more alike than you know, my friend. Now with Stinky fully grown, we can ride him around on the overworld map! This not only moves us faster and reduces the encounter rate, he can even fly short bursts when you get a running start, allowing you to clear mountains and get into areas previously inaccessible, including one north of the ocean of Mermania to get Mancala's ultimate weapon, the Abacus of Ages. But as no one uses Mancala, who cares? There's also a neat, but ultimately useless trick you can use because the game maintains Stinky's speed regardless of turns, so if you have him run back and forth over two spaces rapidly, you can cause him to fly anywhere at any time. This is dubbed by the fans as The Stinky Shuffle. Anyways, now it's time to address a particular plot thread that's been dangling since chapter 2. Return to Toruble and speak to the King. King: Siigh... Hiro: … King: Siii-iiigh... Ozma: … King: Siii-iii-iii-i-- Ozma: What's wrong, daddy? King: Oh! Ozma! When did you get here?! See, I've just been a little melancholic lately. Can't quite shake it. It's just been so quiet here in the castle without you running around randomly braining people. Ozma: I have never done such a thing!! … Recently. … in the past few months. King: I just wish I could shake these blues. I haven't been nearly so proactive in banishing people recently either! Hiro: So some good has come of this at least. Ozma: Seems that way... The party exits and fans out. Kimyawa: Dame desu. This is no good. A king can't rule his land like this. Moore: There must be some means by which to cheer him up. Loyroll: It seems more severe than just having a rainy day. Perhaps he is coming down with a bad cold? Ozma: There's a doctor we could ask for help from, I suppose. Let's go have a chat with him! So, now it's time to return to the Mountain of Outcasts. Thankfully, this time, the Dreaded Mountain Maze is in rubble due to Ozma's last temper tantrum here and we can take a shortcut through it and monsters no longer spawn here. Once on the other side, there seems to be quite a change: there's way fewer NPCs here than last time. Eh, probably not important. Go back to the doctor's house and Ozma will knock. You go, JeffCom, reuse those art assets for great justice! Ozma: Doc, it's me. Please open up. The door opens a small bit. Doctor: W-what do you want?! Oh. Princess Ozma. Ozma: Daddy's been really down in the dumps lately. Would you please come have a look at him? Doctor: That's... not really a very good idea. Reasons, you see. Valid reasons, mm, yes. Ozma: I... what? Please, I'll talk to him about overturning your banishment and-- Doctor: No, no, quite busy here, please, and thank you! He slams the door shut and there's a sound of many, many locks being slapped into place. Ozma: W-what...?! What's he trying to pull?! Why that! I'll turn this door to splinters!!! Ozma winds up and slams into the door. When she hits it, she's stopped cold and overblown, comedic tears rush down her face. Ozma: … G-gimmie a hand, please! Hiro: Right. Ozma: On the count of three. Ozma backs up a few paces and counts on her fingers with an accompanying “click” sound so the player knows when to go. If you mistime it, Ozma will back up and count again, signaling you when to go again. If you both hit the door at roughly the same time, your party will go plowing through it and enter into a cave-like bedroom. Ozma: Alright! Doctor, now you listen here-- eh? Hiro: No one's home? Ozma: He couldn't have gone far. C'mon, how deep could these caves go, anyway? Let's find him! There's a bed you can rest in and a save point here, which is a none-too-subtle hint that this is more than just a town. You venture deeper into the caves and monsters start appearing like Banished Munchkins, Outcast Ostriches, and Willow Whips, ghostly plant-like monsters. Most monsters here fear fire attacks, so Kimyawa and Loyroll are excellent choices. A few floors down, the caves change and suddenly have crystal structures laced in the walls, giving this place a weird sense of style. Around here, new monsters like the Crystallis Caterpillar, and Wind-Up Golems start appearing around here and despite looking very rock-like, they're weak to earth attacks. Go fig, right? A little further in and the caves are completely replaced by metal corridors and what looks like a lab setting. Ozma: W-what in the world is this...? Loyroll: This is no mere hide-a-way for the untouchables. Whatever is happening here is happening on a grand scale. You can then go forward, but the puzzles here get a bit dickish. There's one room where you have to rush into a library and sort out books via Dewey Decimal System in a very short span of time, otherwise the room resets due to “Radiation” as a nearby sign will say. After that, you play a minigame not unlike the board game operation, and failing at it causes the miniboss monster, Chimantera, to spawn an infinite number of times. At least, in the SNES release. In the GBA remake, it'll only spawn once and win or lose, the door to the next room opens. Here, you play hopscotch against a kangaroo to cross electrified floors. There's a reason fans of the series call this area “The Cut Content Dungeon” as there doesn't feel like there's a unifying theme here. But once you're past that, you can then go to the last area here, a massive, circular room with a large tube in the center of the room with a woman inside of it and the doctor standing before it. Ozma: Doc! What are you doing?! Doctor: Gah! H-how did you get here?! Ozma: We let ourselves in. What is this? What were all those weird things we passed to get here?! Doctor: N-now that you've seen this... my, you've really put me in a bind... Ozma: What is that...? Oh my God! Is that... my mom?! Party: Say whaaaaaaat?! Doctor: … Well, since you're here anyway and you're so damn curious, I'll enlighten you. Your father hired me to save your mother from her unfortunate condition. At first I thought it a fool's errand – to find a cure for Disney Parent Syndrome! Preposterous! But... as I began my work, I started making breakthroughs and discovering new things... things previously completely unknown to modern medicine. Curiosities in the genetic structures of what we once believed to be ordinary humans. “Golden Tribe” indeed, I must say. Ozma: What are you...?! Doctor: I don't suspect a silverback gorilla such as yourself could appreciate it, but I've been wanting to tell someone about these discoveries for such a long time and I'm about to kill your asses here and now... well, let's just call this two birds; one stone. Hiro: Ozma! Ozma: I'm fine... Doctor: You see, true humanity is no longer with us. They haven't been with us in eons!! The mitochondria here indicates that there was an extinction event of some magnitude. Deima: Cough-cough-hack! Doctor: And now, modern chimerism is nigh-omnipresent! Every tribe! Every person! It's just a matter of dose! Ozma: I don't get any of this! And what's any of that have to do with my MOM, you creep?! Doctor: As I thought, you don't appreciate the meanings of the truth I've discovered here... very well. Let us cut to the heart of the matter then, shall we? The King tasked me to save the Queen... and abandoned her. I was the only one there with her in her twilight years! I realized she was... perfect. Ozma: Oh God, please tell me this isn't going where I think it's going... Doctor: She had to be... preserved. By any means necessary. Ozma: Oh God, it is!!! Doctor: She was too beautiful. Too pure... Ozma: Oh God, I'm gonna barf... stop lusting after my dead mom, asshole!!! Doctor: Dead? Dear girl, she is not dead. She is alive and well and I was just putting in my finishing touches on her new, perfected chimeran body! Ozma: You... you what?! Doctor: Arise! Perfect Human-Chimera 01! The tube's glass slides upward into the ceiling as the green goop pours out. In the Japanese version, the nude woman falls flat before standing up and throwing up some of the green fluids. This was removed entirely in the international release and she was even given a white towel from out of nowhere she clearly did not have previously. Woman: Where... where am I? Ozma: M... mommy?! Woman: O... Ozma? Is that you? You're so tall now... And, um, buff! Like, um, damn. Doctor: Oh-ho-ho... her memory is perfectly in tact too. Seems the “donations” made by my fellows here on the mountain weren't spent in vain! Loyroll: Stand down, you dastard and know when you're defeated. To flail about helplessly is disgraceful. Doctor: You think I am helpless? I'll show you the fruits of my labors, such that even simpletons like yourselves can appreciate them! The Doctor runs to a control panel and messes with buttons. Hiro and Loyroll advance, but the Queen steps into their path. Hiro: Y-your majesty?! Loyroll: Heh. Truly, this is not the first time a naked woman threw herself at me. I'm just not interested. Queen: H-help! I can't control my body! Doctor: Haha! Yes! It's better than I could have dreamed my perfect woman, my perfect creation, and your perfectly beautiful demise! Hiro: You're sick! Doctor: Prepare to die! Ozma: No! Mom!! -Boss Fight!- PHC-01 LP: 70000 MP: 6000 This is a dangerous fight as her stats are not dissimilar to Ozma's, having very high physical stats with very low magical abilities. Equally so, Ozma cannot attack directly during this fight, as you get the unique message “Ozma can't bring herself to do it!” so she's either benched or on support during this battle. Oddly enough, if you invoke her double techs with another character, this circumvents this – so punching her mom is a “no-no” but slapping her with a fish is A-OK! Focus on Kimyawa's elemental abilities or have her and Loyroll use Over-Arcing, use any attack items you have (which are calculated vs. magic defense) and heal often as her physical blows are enough to drop the likes of Mancala in one blow. When her health dips below 25%, then you have to worry about her special attack, Chimeran Rage, which hits the entire party for physical, melee damage and runs the risk of reducing physical attack and defense stats in the party. If this happens, you must heal quickly or she'll just reduce you to paste. -Boss Fight!- Queen: Ah... something just snapped. Doctor: No! Dammit! Move! Move! Queen: I'm free. Ozma: Mommy! Queen: My Ozma. You've grown so strong. And you have such wonderful friends. I couldn't be more proud of you. Doctor: This is an unforeseen turn of events. I didn't think they could go toe-to-toe with Perfect Human-Chimera 01!!! Queen: And as for you... The Queen turns to face the Doctor. Doctor: Oh... shit. Queen: My name is NOT “Perfect Human-Chimera 01”! My name is Valerie Po Toruble, Queen of the proud nation of Toruble! And as its Queen, I must establish justice within the boundaries of my beloved nation! Submit yourself to the court and beg for mercy as your sins will be dredged up before the light of day! Hiro: Um. Wow. I better take notes... Ozma: Mommy!! You're so cool!!! Doctor: Very well, Plan B it is. The doctor messes with the control panel again. PA: Emergency! Self-destruct sequence is initialized. This entire mountain is about to be leveled to the ground in 60 seconds. Have a nice day! Hiro: Quick! Grab him! There's time! Queen: There isn't. You lot get out of here. I'll ensure the evil of this place never spreads beyond this God-forsaken mountain!!! Ozma: Mother! Queen: Ozma. As the Princess of this nation, you must never forget... your heart gets a vote, but your brain has veto authority. Tell your father you love him, dry your eyes, and continue on your journey. You are our beloved land's future! Ozma: Mommy! No! Not without-- Hiro and the others restrain Ozma and pull her out the door. Queen: That's right. Be a good girl and listen to your mother. The Queen turns around, then just puts her entire arm through the Doctor's body. Doctor: BARF!!! Queen: This is the way it should be. The past is in the past and the future, set free into tomorrow. Farewell. The screen whites out here. In the SNES version, the party is returned to the overworld without further delay, but there's an extended scene that cues in the GBA remake when the party enters Toruble again. The House Man we saw briefly before walks in through the ruins of the lab. House Man: My, my what a loud explosion that was... He moves around, exploring the ruined boss chamber. House Man: Hmm... his research was thousands of years behind my own... but I must admit, he had some good ideas. I could probably put these to some good use, even if it takes some time. House Man chuckles to himself, as he uncovers a charred remains of one body. House Man: But then again, I have all the time in the world~! The party returns to the throne room of Toruble. Ozma: Daddy, I-- King: Oh-ho! Ozma! How good to see you! Ozma: Huh? Daddy?! King: I don't know why, but... it seems that funk I was in has been lifted from my shoulders! I'm ready and chipper and ready to start some banishing! Ozma: Ugh. Father... King: Oh, before I forget! The King goes to Ozma and gives her the Queen's Knuckles. Ozma: What on Earth? King: These were your mother's. I found them while taking my little trip down memory lane. I'm sure she'd want you to have them! Ozma: … King: What's the matter, dear? I thought you'd be happy! Ozma: I... I am. I have great friends and my whole future before me. I love you, daddy, but my travels aren't over just yet. See you soon! King: Do your best! Now Ozma has her ultimate weapon and unlocks her final attack “Regal Rampage” where Ozma bequeaths royal beatdowns, which hits six times and runs the chance of lowering one corresponding stat with each blow! Hiro: Your mother had a set of custom brass knuckles? Ozma: Yes, why? Hiro: No reason... And now, the only character without their ultimate weapon is Moore. At this point, we need to return to Moore's hometown and they'll mention a “legendary weapon of the miners” had recently surfaced and that a weapon's expert had it. So that's your cue to return to the weapon maniac from before. Old Man: Oh, hello. Here to discuss weapons? Hiro: Sort-of. We're looking for the legendary weapon of the miners. Deima: If this just ends up something dumb like a shovel, prepare for pain, old-timer. Old Man: No, no! Not a shovel! Much more sophisticated than a shovel! Moore: W-what? What is it? Please, tell us! I'd do ANYTHING to be not be rock-bottom tier in this game! All: … Moore: It's never going to happen, is it? Hiro: A-hem. Show us the weapon. Old Man: Can do! Got: Rusty piece of crap! Deima: Okay, so clearly, you want to die... Old Man: Eep! I just dug it up! If you want to see its true power, you'll have to go see the Old Lady Weapon Maniac! Deima: There's another one of you?! Old Man: Just head east from here! You'll find her there! Well, this is just a damnable lie. You need to go WEST from here to find the small hut in the middle of an island that's otherwise quite easy to overlook. Going east is useless as that section of the map is impassable. When you go there. Old Lady: Good morning! Are you here to ask about my weapons collection? I do love weapons! Moore: Sort of! This is... Old Lady: Ah, yes, the legendary weapon of the miners, unrivaled in their tribe as the pinnacle of design and form. Moore: So it can be repaired? Old Lady: Yes, yes! But I'll need the POLISH. Hiro: Special polish? Old Lady: Yes, but you're saying it wrong. It's POLISH. Hiro: Of course it is. Moore: Where do we find it? Old Lady: A merchant in Mermania has some! Mancala: Sounds simple enough. Let's go. So head to Mermania and speak to the merchant guild merman. Moore: So we're looking for the, uh, POLISH. Did I say that right? Guildmaster: Well, you're too late. I just sold the only POLISH I had to a man in Toruble! Hiro: Is this weapon really that great? Moore: It must be! It's the very best weapon of my people! Deima: Yes, God forbid we overlook the tallest of the dwarves. So head to Toruble! There, we find a wealthy looking fellow. Merchant: Oh? You want this POLISH? It cost me quite a lot! Moore: You don't understand, it's a matter of pride... Merchant: Hmm... okay! I'll give it to you! Moore: You will?! Merchant: But first-- All: ugh! Merchant: Bring me a Lucky Rabbit's Foot! Moore: Just... a rabbit foot? Merchant: No, ding-dong, the LUCKY RABBIT'S foot. The Lucky Rabbit only lives on Mushroom Island. Moore: That doesn't sound so hard. Let's go guys! So now, you need to head north-east-ish until you find a newly-made bridge and cross over to the previously-inaccessible island. There, you'll enter a cave and see a large, white rabbit sitting in front of many, many mushrooms with different spot patterns. Rabbit: What-ho! Welcome to the sacred ground of the Rabbit Clan! How can I help you? Moore: um. I am of the miner clan. I wish to request you for, uh, a Lucky Rabbit's Foot. Rabbit: That's all? That's not really a problem, but would you mind doing something for me first? Deima: HISS!!! Rabbit: Go to the top of the hill here and find me a mushroom that looks like... this! The rabbit places down a mushroom with a particular spot pattern. What pattern this is varies in each playthru. You then head up the mountain dealing with Mushkins, Hedgeshrooms, and Ecobandits, all of which can inflict poison. At the top of one of the four staircases are sets of mushrooms, so one of the 12 mushrooms up here is the one that matches Lucky Rabbit's request. Take it back to him. If you bring the wrong one, he'll scold you for being “dumber than a miner” and show you the one he's after once again and you'll return. Once you get it right, he'll speak to you again. Rabbit: Oh, frabjuous day! Here you go! Obtained: Lucky Rabbit's Ruler. Hiro: What? But this is a ruler and-- oh. Wait. I get it. Lucky Rabbit's... foot. Moore: Let's go guys! You then return to Toruble and speak to the merchant. Merchant: Excellent! Just what I needed! Hiro: Odd, I thought you wanted a, y'know, like a foot-foot. Like the Rabbit's actual hind-quarters leg. Merchant: Eww. You're weird. And gross. Here, take the POLISH and get outta here, ya weirdos. Hiro: Grumble... Then head to the Old Weapon Lady. Old Lady: Awright! Now I'll apply the POLISH and... there! Moore: Is it ready?! Old Lady: Almost! Head back to the Old Weapon Man and he should apply the finishing touches. All: Ugh! Moore: C'mon, guys! For all this work we're putting in, this weapon is going to be the best! So return to the Old Weapon Man. Old Man: Why, you lot have been busy. Now, let me just use my RUST REMOVER here and it'll be ready before you can say “Done”! And... Do-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooone! Got: Pickax! Moore: Of course!! Where a shovel fails, the Pickax prevails! All: … Deima: That tears it, everyone dies. Moore: But-- Deima thrusts her hand skyward and the Old Man's tent is blown away. Old Man: Oh noooooo! Moore: Cough. Cough. W-well, on the bright side I got my best weapon in the ga-- wait, does this mean I only HAVE two weapons in this WHOLE GAME?! Hiro: … The Pickax is... a little better than his shovel, I guess? But now that we have all the legendary weapons, we can finally go to that random forest in the north stretch of the game, with the healing spring in it. When we go to heal in it this time, Hiro and the party just jump into it. You'll then follow a spiral staircase downward until you reach a Pudding Shrine at the bottom. “But wait!” I hear some of you call out, “How the hell were we supposed to know about this?!” All I can say is: Player's Guide Sales! Go inside and Hiro will pull away from the party. Hiro: The final shrine... A small, strange, hairy creature appears before him. Hiro: Um. Lulz: Greetings, Hiro. I am Lul Invictus, but you can call me Lulz for short. Hiro: Very short. Lulz: Oh, the wit. Never heard THAT one before! You do remember my voice, do you not? Hiro: Um... Wait... you were the one who spoke to me when my powers first awoke! Lulz: Indeed so. Your journey is nearing completion, Hiro. You will need the fullest extent of your abilities now. Do you know what I mean by that? Hiro: Yes! My friends! Lulz: Indeed! You've learned much! I now release the limitations on your abilities and bless you with the mighty power of the Final Swirl Flavor Fusion! Hiro glows brightly. Hiro: Thank you, Lulz. Lulz: Fare thee well. And remember: Pudding is meant to be enjoyed! Not contained! Keep those snack packs a popping! Hiro: The more you speak, the less I understand. But I'll do my best despite that. Hiro returns to the others, draws out his sword and poses. Hiro: Do that which is right, live your life for others, and never, ever give up! That is the oath of the Light Puddings! Ozma: Heart~! Kimyawa: Sugoi, Hiro-ni-chan! Loyroll: Well said, friend! Deima: Heh. Hot. Moore: Mm! Mancala: Ooo, we should copyright that phrase and make mint after the war's over! And with that, the last optional quest is finished and we're ready to get us the best ending of the game! It's time to enter the next chapter, with our heads held high!

[zaraegis]

Come at the King|Part 5| T

Fandom: Cuphead

Pairings: Ride or Die QPP Wheezy & Dice

TW: haha, violence, descriptions of injuries, past unhealthy alcoholism, Threats of violence, Comedic Misunderstandings, Dice threatening to stab his new Boss Satan, Satan being Into It.

Notes: It’s me so it’s gotta have hints of DevilDice.

Prev|Next| First

/Casino Grand Finale

Pirouetta wears a deadly looking dress a brilliant gold with matching ballet flats. When it flairs open as she twirls it straightens out to a dangerously sharp edge and the roulette design spits out white spheres that make Dice wince if clipped with one, they're so heavy.

The first twirl across the arena she makes almost has Dice getting acquainted with the razor edge as he tries to duck left or right only to have her whip out her long legs and corral him back in her path.

Every move she makes is incredibly graceful and even more deadly, and some part of Dice admires the skill enviously. Dice's Card Sharps deck chip away minimal amounts of her gleaming armored dress, and his smoke bombs would be useless if she can reach him no matter what.

It's during one of the falling spheres that he makes the mistake of looking up to check there are none right above him when she launches into another pirouette early and catches him off-guard.

She twirls once, twice and by the time Dice thinks to look back at her she's gathered enough speed that the foot that catches him right in the chest throws him clear across the arena.

The spice of Wheezy's smoke reaches him as he tries to expand his diaphragm to inhale some air. The binder isn't helping. The lack of air starts off a small timer in the back of his mind, but he's used to ignoring that too. He pushes off the wall into a tumble that gives him some space.

Pirouetta's foot crashes into the space he was at mere seconds ago. It breaks the floor in an alarming manner. He's momentarily blinded by the spasm of pain in his chest, the lack of oxygen in his system and the smell of a panicking, smoking Wheezy.

Calm. Stay calm. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

He's breathing carefully but freely and as she starts spinning towards him again, Dice clenches his teeth in a smile. He hops forward and seems to turn around but instead he twirls his body into itself and disappears.

Pirouetta blinks and casts her gaze about, quickly.

He shoots up behind her, those dangerous sharp edged cards between his fingers. Dice starts peppering the ground with them, in zig zags, in lines, in random patterns that only he seems to track. Always disappearing when she gets anywhere near him.

It seems like a distraction tactic, until the first time she missteps and nearly cuts her toes off on the card embedded halfway in the ground.

She hops back and begins to spin in place, lifting her hurt foot to make him keep his distance. He pops back in from the ground out of her lunging range and has the cheek to wink at her before he slaps his hands together and pulls them apart to an ominously glowing pink die.

She has enough time to think: Oh no, not the smoke bomb- before the arena and her sight is completely obscured.

She's pinned.

Pirouetta has to slow down and in that couple of second before she can start another pirouette, she feels a hard impact against the back of her knees and when they crumple forward, an arm curls dangerously around her throat and pulls her down.

She smiles and closes her eyes, even before she can feel the sharp edge of an ace against her unprotected throat.

"I win."

Another arm cradles her back so she's doesn't even hit the ground. He really is a fine gentleman.

-

He might have alarmed some of the spectators when he started smoking, Wheezy thought, eying the large space given to him as he tries to slow down his heart rate. The back of his throat burns with flames as he sees Dice all but crumple against the wall.

Shit. The binder.

He's up seconds later of course, but that could mean anything from bruised ribs to a collapsed lung knowing Dice's pain tolerance.

The crowd goes wild at his little disappearing stunt. All Wheezy can feel is slightly sick with worry. He doesn't get clipped again, though sometimes it was cutting it close.

And then Wheezy understands what he's doing. Cutting the twirling dancer off at the knees. Metaphorically speaking.

When Pirouetta almost slices her foot off on one of those cards, Wheezy thinks maybe it wasn't as metaphorical as he thought. And then the smoke die comes out. He heaves a sigh and slumps against the table in relief.

A Dice you couldn't track was one that always won. Always.

"You're lookin' pretty fired up their chief." Rasps a voice next to him and Wheezy freezes his muscles so he doesn't jump in fright. The Devil waggles an unlit cigar at him and he pushes the panicky fire into his hands to light it for him.

It sits uneasily with him that when everyone hears Pirouetta's yield, all the Devil does is smile even wider.

He does huff a laugh at the position their in when the smoke clears. Like two dancers, if one ignored the way a sharp edge rested against Pirouetta's throat in a gentle threat. The crowd goes wild.

King Dice always entertained.

-

If Wheezy was a ruder- or braver- person, he'd bodily pick up Dice right after the Devil did his whole "crowning the king of games" schtick and haul him to the nearest doctor to get his ribs checked out.

Even when there's an honest to goodness crown involved in the proceedings, King Dice does nothing but bemusedly put it on his head and nod at the cheering crowd.

He doesn't bow. Wheezy puffs a nervous breath, it comes out thick and grey. He's burning up and he hasn't even lit himself yet. Dice wouldn't bow if his ribs were paining him right?

And then finally all that pomp and circumstance are over with, the crowd chatting and excited about seeing a crowning, can you believe it-

Dice is heading straight for him, brows furrowed and shoulders unnaturally stiff. It looks like nerves, but he's seen Dice nervous. Right before he reaches him, a dark furred arm reaches around Dice's shoulders and stops him cold. Wheezy wastes no time in going to Dice instead, stepping in just as the Devil was brightly explaining something.

"-you got your chance King. Now I have a bit of a job offer for you. Feel free to think it over, but remember who holds your soul now, ey?"

Dice is smiling tightly and looking to the side like the fresco on the far wall was the most fascinating thing he's ever come across.

Wheezy can feel his eyelid twitch.

"WHAT did he just say Dice?"

Flames lick out of his mouth and drip to the floor, setting the marble aflame. He stomps it out without looking away from a sweating Dice.

"I may have forgotten to mention a few things Whee...ze." The odd hitch in his breath heads off Wheezy's rage. That doesn't sound good at all. He turns to a highly entertained looking Devil. Smiles through the raging hellfire his mouth's become and says, as polite as you please:

"Will you excuse us for a small bit?"

He grabs Dice by the shoulders and carefully steers him towards the men's restrooms. He pays no attention to the frowning Casino owner they leave behind.

-

"I can't believe you! If you had a neck I'd be wringing it right now!"

"Hey you're going to rip my suit, Wheeze. And you hate violence."

"Damn, the suit Dicey. And between you selling your soul and violence, GUESS WHICH ONE I HATE MORE."

There was a weak cough before- "Shit my jacket. Dammit!"

"I'm going to rip this off of you I swear-" Panicking, Wheezy scrunches the fabric of Dice's vest and shirt and undershirt in two handfuls, pretty sure he can't even feel Dice breathing anymore.

Out of nowhere a clawed grey hand grips his in a painful hold. Forcing him to let go of Dice or deal with a broken wrist.

The Devil shows up in the gleaming brightness of the Casino's bathroom. He's frowning something fierce and is looking between a stunned Dice and Wheezy.

"This better not be what it looks like fellas."

That poison yellow gaze lands on him as he says this and Wheezy suddenly realizes, incredulously, that he thinks Wheezy was taking permissions. He almost laughs in an ugly panic. He hasn't felt Dice breathe out for a solid two minutes now.

Dice makes a weird squeaky noise that calls their attention back to him and flips the knife suddenly in his hand around and rather angrily cuts through all of the layers he's wearing and the binder underneath all that.

His ribs are a horrid black and purple, evidence of Pirouetta's kick, lined with an ugly vivid red line where the binder dug into his skin.

Wheezy swears, and goes to prop up a near hyperventilating Dice. He grabs his friend's stupid six sided face and catches those bleary green eyes.

"Calm. Stay calm. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Y'good Dicey? C'mon man, breath!"

Dice does, coughing and wincing with every jolt to his ribs. Wheezy puts his hand over his chest, afraid to do more than lightly feel for any obvious breaks. They need to ice it quick.

Dice mumbles something and Wheezy rolls his eyes, already knowing what's coming.

"I can't believe you made me ruin my fucking suit, Wheezy. I'm going to destroy you." He lists to the side even as he makes his threats. Wheezy would shake him if he wasn't so out of it right now.

"No binder. For a long while. It might be as long as it takes you to explain to me what you were thinking when you sold your soul, without telling me."

Dice groans and burrows his face in Wheezy's jacket, maybe to stop being half naked in the presence of the Devil, but more likely to try to muffle the sound of Wheezy berating him.

The older man realizes their third party was suspiciously quiet and looked up to see him turned away to give Dice some privacy. He shrugged off his jacket and covered Dice with it before clearing his throat.

Dice toed the remainder of his fine suit sadly, clearly delirious with pain to be pouting like a child. Wheezy was left holding him up with one hand and covering his face with the other as the Devil turned and raised a pointed brow at them.

How embarrassing. He might never be able to look the Devil in the eye again.

"Well..." the Devil starts, at a loss, looking between the man he's trying to make his new manager and the man he thought was some controlling boyfriend he'd have to deal with.

"Well."

That summed it up pretty well.

-

While Dice lies prone on the sofa with cold towels on his chest and doing breathing exercises, Wheezy upends the entirety of the medicinal salts Pirouetta gifted Dice into the steaming hot tub.

He shucks off his clothes and takes a quick shower before wrapping a towel around his hips and going out to the sitting room to haul a suspiciously quiet Dice into the hot tub.

The salts sting at his eyes and it scorches his skin in frankly worrying ways, but Dice slumps in relief, so there must be some numbing agent in it. They sit in the hot tub in silence for a while, Wheezy absently hoping the staff won't get mad he took a towel into the tub.

He's not made for this fancy-shmancy shit.

But Dice seems to be settling in well.

Dice won't be coming into work with him anymore.

The Devil himself offered him a job at this very Casino. He might not want Dice to have to commute so far. Wheezy might have to actually get used to sleeping in his own house again.

The thought makes him long for the blurry haze scotch gives him.

A spray of bubbles hit his face and makes him sputter in surprise. Dice had been busy spraying all the different ornate bubble bath soaps into the tub and swirling them into a thick layer of foam.

"You're thinking bad thoughts." Dice quietly reminds him. He thins his lips and tries to focus on the heavy smell of roses to banish away the need for a drink.

He blows all his air out in an exasperated sigh and can't summon up the panic and anger from earlier. He just looks at Dice and says: "Your soul? Really?"

Dice shrugs jerkily, probably forgetting his bruised ribs, the blockhead. He's playing with the foam like he's never seen it before. He probably hasn't.

"You know how I -uh. Quit my job? Back when we first met." he starts, not looking up. That wasn't what Wheezy remembers but Dice was even more vague and ominous back then. He nods.

Dice looks up, "That job...isn't something someone retires from. Not really. You're either in, or you're dead."

Welp. That confirmed all of Wheezy's worst fears.

"It's been ten years though, and no one's tried anything, so maybe they're-" Dice makes a high amused sound. Wheezy scowls at him.

Clearing his throat, Dice throws out a casual, "I was very good at what I did, Wheezy."

That. That's actually horrifying to think about. How many times had Dice almost been taken out without Wheezy knowing about it?

"So...you sold your soul to get them off your back?"

"Hm. No one bothers to go after those with a contract. They're protected by-" Dice pointedly looks down. Ah yes. The Devil did make a good deterrent for anyone coming after Dice he supposed.

How positively...devious.

Of course, Dice thought of it.

"...and maybe, I wanted to retire. For good." Dice murmurs quietly. Wheezy lazily swirls the bubbles and steaming water as Dice gathers his thoughts.

"Some people could do it you know," Dice continues a while later,"Do what I do and then come home, wash off the blood and kiss their children goodnight. Sleep. Wake up. Repeat. I-"

He stops and scoots across the ridiculously huge hot tub to him and pokes at the old faded scar on his ribs from when he was a younger idiot in love with a gal who didn't mention the gang leader girlfriend.

Dice took his keys and came back with bruised knuckles and smelling like blood. Barely 18 and could already go toe to toe with twenty or so adults who had access to guns and no qualms against using it. Very good at what he did, indeed.

He was lucky he wasn't shot and left to die in a gutter somewhere, Wheezy knows. Dice probably knew it then too. He still isn't sure if the rumors of the Dockside Delinquents deciding to move overnight to a new island to harass were true or not.

But there was something strange about Dice the next day. Like he wasn't really there. Warm food and drink helped. So did the impromptu cooking lessons. If that's how he felt after just one night, Wheezy doesn't want to think about how Dice dealt with it before they met.

Like deciding to get a fake ID and get drunk in a strange bar before robbing a bunch of no-good drunks blind in poker wearing only a purple dress with a goddamn machete strapped to his leg.

Actually, he has a pretty good idea of how Dice coped with it before he stopped.

"I wore the white suit for a reason you know." Dice settles down at his side, so both of them are looking at the opposite wall, instead of having to face the other. "I promised myself I'd prove my title without any blood. Black hides the blood better, yeah?"

Despite all his violent talk at times, Dice hasn't sent anyone to the doctor's in a long while. No more beating up hapless suckers in an alley at 2 in the morning after work. No more leaving at night and coming back with a bloodied coat.

He's really made something of himself, his Dice.

He carefully gives his friend a one armed hug at that. "Shit, you're becoming an almost upstanding citizen now Dicey."

"Me? You've been manager of the bar for two whole years now. And you haven't had a hangover in five." Dice splashed him. Ugh, compliments. Sincere compliments. King Dice played a dirty game. Wheezy crammed a handful of bubbles into his stupid face.

-

"So you're gonna take the job?" Wheezy asked, carefully putting some numbing cream on Dice's chest. They've built up pillows on both sides of him to minimize the chance of him turning over in his sleep. He shrugs and winces at the strain. Idiot.

"Probably. Depends on the terms. And the position. If he wants a thug I'm outta here before he can say the M word."

Wheezy snorted, "And you're sure it's not your thing about winning?"

"I do not have a thing about winning. Shut up."

"Someone is better than you at darts and you nearly bite my hand and then break a bar chair trying to show them up."

"NOPE. I DON'T REMEMBER THAT AT ALL." He's almost shouting over Wheezy's chuckles.

"Anyone has to mention a challenge and you have to be the one to win it. Face it." He screws the lid to the ointment and wipes his hands on a towel. "You have a thing about winning."

He doesn't take the wet towel thrown at him personally because Dice totally has a thing about winning.

/The Devil's Terms

"Hm." Dice frowns down at the contract. It's surprisingly fair. Or so nefarious he can't even begin to suspect a plot against him. "This assistant manager clause. I have free reign over who I choose?"

"Yep. It's to keep you free to keep a personal eye on the casino floor. "

The Devil is counting money, and it either brings him great joy or his default expression is smiling because he hasn't stopped since Dice came in to discuss the job offer this morning.

Either way, Dice can respect someone with sharper teeth than his. And their determination to flash them at every possible hour of the day.

"To keep an eye out for trouble? Or to make sure that the casino makes more money than it's losing?" The Devil guffaws, and notes something down on a ledger before facing him.

"Both. It's my casino, but there's still people that won't let that stop them from causing trouble. I don't got all the time in the day to deal with them personally. It'll be your job to to keep it down over there and make sure the property damage is minimal."

Dice's hooded eyes meet his before he asks, calmly as you please,"Do you want them alive and breathing?"

"If you can, they are customers after all. Can't take their money if they're dead." The Devil mused. Dice nodded sharply.

"Of course. Please keep in mind that you've hired me on as a manager and not a mercenary of some sort."

"Is that a clause you want in your contract?" Dice could already tell the Devil sounded amused a great deal of the time. It was kind of irritating to be honest.

"Please."

The words- his words appeared at the bottom in a new clause. "Hired on as a manager, NOT as a mercenary of some sort." Hilarious. He had a funny sense of humor for the root of all evil.

Dice signed.

"I'll give you two weeks to get your stuff and get settled in. Pirouletta will show you the ropes. I'm going to make a wild assumption and say you're going to con your friend into signing on assistant manager as well ey?"

Dice barely nods before a second fresh scroll appeared next him. This was going to be a Thing wasn't it?

"Have him sign that. Tell him he can keep his soul and everything."

King Dice quirks a smile at that.

"If that's everything?" Amused and annoyed. His new boss is a fount of varying emotions. Dice stands to go but stops and faces those strange yellow eyes.

"Thank you, for yesterday. In the bathroom."

The Devil leans on one hand and deadpans, "You mean for coming to the wrong conclusion, physically threatening your friend and seeing you starkers?"

Dice idly wonders if a knife to the throat would do anything to the Devil. Probably not.

"No. Your appearance reminded me I had knives at my disposal." The Devil flicks his gaze down to Dice's resting hand. He'd never be able to spot his knives, but it was a cute attempt.

"Speaking of which."

He starts collecting the spare contract, "The next time you lay a hand on Wheezy with the intent to hurt him, will be the last time you have hands." He smiles brightly at the amused look on that dark face.

"See you in two weeks, Boss."

-

Wheezy looks up from the contract with a strange look on his face. Dice is carefully folding his precious suits back into his luggage. He's in some simple slacks and a loose button down that won't irritate his bandages.

"Dice..."

"Hmm?" Dice says distractedly, counting his packets of cards.

"Is this how much you'll be making as well?"

"Well, yeah." Dice answers, "A bit more but yeah."

There's a quiet. Dice frowns up at Wheezy to see what's the matter now.

He's got that thinking face on. It's not the sad one that drives him to drink too much, so Dice leaves him be.

They're almost ready when Wheezy finally finishes percolating and snags his sleeve as Dice is making his way to the kitchen for a glass of water.

"Hey, remember that surgery you said you'd never be able to afford?"

Dice looks blankly down at him, not being able to recall ever needing a visit to a surgeon. Then he glances down at the still tender skin of his chest.

Oh.

OH!

"OH!" He breathes out. Not having to remember to take it off every day? Hell yes.

Wheezy huffs out a laugh. "We can go see the doc back home to check things out first. Maybe then I won't have to worry about you forgetting to take it off and end up in another bathroom with the Devil."

Dice sighs. He's never gonna let this go is he.

Wheezy signs.

[shacklesburst]

Youjo Senki ep 9 Okay, first part of the plan seems pretty straightforward. Tanya gets taken out, but recovers? It isn't all that clear? Is she hiding injuries? Finally that mad scientist again! What kind of plan is that ... lol, Voktoriya Ivanovna. Hahaha, Zettour is eating Bratwurst and Sauerkraut. I love how they're still writing "Any and all resemblances to real people or places are purely incidental" or smth like that at the beginning. There they go. Hahaha, that after-credits scene. Long-term care because of a rotten potato. :D Bumped up to 8/10.

Demi-chan wa Kataritai ep 10 A little bit of Machi-Tetsuo-relationship foo going on. Now they're introducing a new character? Is he the final boss? A no-nonsense vice principal, trying to oust Tetsuo for having inappropriate relations with his students? We'll see. Aaand an excursion to uni! Another new character. Gah, couldn't they have glossed over that bad "physics" explanation? Meh. Not my favorite ep. Stays at 7/10.

Little Witch Academia ep 10 An Eros-bee (it's clearly a wasp, but, well ... it's animu). In the hands of those three. What could possibly go wrong. Please tell me, Akko's gonna try to use that bee and sting herself or Diana and they fall in love (for the episode, Sucy will surely be able to concoct something up real fast) or something. That'd be hilarious. That guy selling the magic stuff tho. At least Akko's magic does something by now. 「どうしたの？」 Oh c'mon. That's too tropey and unfunny. It could've at least been Sucy or something. Lotte's got a boygroup after her, okay, it’s something. Okay, that's a little better. Kabedon! At least Sucy gets it. Oooohh. YASSSS. HAHAHAHA. WHAT DID I SAY, SUCKERS?! Hrhrhr. The narcissistic streak is probably not undeserved either. Huh. What's that guy doing reading Orwell on the roof, under the moonlight? Somewhat enjoyable episode. LWA, you may yet live another week. 5/10, still, though.

GabrielDropout ep 10 Yeah, that's about what I expected of all of the girl's families. Including a perverted butler for Raphiel (she's gotta have learned somewhere, right). Hrhrhr, Gabu is so smol. Yessss. Hahaha, please, let him believe the bullshitting about the ingame action. Gabu coming away with everything scot-free would be icing on the cake, honestly. Yessss. She did iiiiit. Hahaha. I love this show. Yeah, this is how I imagine heaven would be. Endless boredom. Hopefully a visit by Satania will bring some life into them. Would've loved to see Gabu's best face, though. 7/10.

Onihei ep 10 Storytiiime. Okay, so Wasuke doesn't look exactly like all other small, old guys in this anime, but ... the animation and artwork is honestly so bad again this episode. OMG, those expressionless crying faces. And then suddenly everybody dies. Ohh. Pretty nice revenge actually. Damn, how good this show could be with better animation and design. Stays at 6/10.

Kobayashi-san Chi no Maid Dragon ep 10 Christmas is all around me ... and so the feeling grows. So if you really love Christmas! Come on and let it snoooow!! And let it snow they did. Oh what a doozy. Maybe a bit too little Kobayashi in the play preparations, but enjoyable nonetheless (especially watching Kanna and Riku). And there's ample Kobayashi (and accompanying reactions) in the second half. This show just keeps on giving. Solid 9/10.

Kuzu no Honkai ep 10 That guy in class who's all like TMI when the girl is going on about that guy cheating on her. :D Wait what. They made Akane student counselor?? Whose bright idea was it to make the narcissistic sociopath counselor? (Sure, they don't know, but that's still hilarious. They could've just as well staged that meeting in the music classroom.) At least Mugi understands. His mad face is great. All the feels. Hrhrhr. Literally only absolutely clueless nii-chan can get any kind of reaction out of her, without even trying. This episode reminds me of the first few, what with all the comedic gold. And that scene with the other guy!! I'm dying here. Mugi, lol. Definitely a solid 8/10.

[5hfanfiction]

Touch My Soul (Hold It Tight) - Chapter 6 - You Still Hear Harmony

A/N: In honor of Almost Adults being released and ripping my heart out then putting it back together, the title of this chapter comes from On Your Side by Cin3ma 😊

-

“So, where are we going?”

Lauren glanced at her companion as they walked across campus. The sun had just started to set and it casted a warm light onto the features of the beautiful girl beside her. The light hit her eyes at just the right angle so that it made her chocolate brown pools turn into burning gold ones. It made her look as though she was the sun herself.

“My roommate slash best friend, Dinah? Her girlfriend works at an Italian place nearby,” Lauren stated, “they make the best stuffed crust pizzas I’ve ever had in my entire life. I figured you could be the judge of that.”

“Oh you bet I will. Although, pretty much any pizza is good pizza,” the girl replied, chuckling to herself.

“Okay so don’t yell at me for asking this, but why won’t you tell me your name?” At this point, Lauren has kind of given up on finding out her name. She’ll get it eventually, she just has to be patient. Unfortunately, patience isn’t one of her strong suits, but she figures she can suck it up for the sake of the girl next to her.

“I like watching you suffer,” she replied while wiggling her eyebrows, making Lauren shake her head.

“Oh my god, why do I talk to you?”

“Because you fancy me, Ms. Jauregui,” the girl quipped.

“Wait, how do you know my last name?”

“Your manager yelled it at you as I walked in. It was quite comical to see a girl so short yelling at you.”

“Yeah she may be tiny, but her momma bear mode is absolutely terrifying.” Lauren said, memories of Ally being overprotective making her shudder.

They stopped at a small Italian restaurant about five minutes away from the coffee shop. Lauren held the door open for her companion, who again thanked her with a blush. They approached the counter where a beautiful girl was standing with their back to them.

“Welcome to Ciao Amici’s, how can I help you?” She said while turning around, until her eyes landed on Lauren and her face took on a thrilled expression. “Lauren, you sexy thing, how are you!” She exclaimed, running up to Lauren to hug her.

Lauren returned the hug with a loud laugh, until she noticed that her companion looked.. Worried? ‘Why would she be worried?’ Lauren thought. She gave her a reassuring smile while pulling back, speaking to the girl in her arms, “Always good to see you, Mani.” She turned to address the beautiful stranger beside her, “This is Normani, Dinah’s girlfriend and one of my best friends.”

“Oh honey I already know her, we’re pretty tight too.” She winked. “How are you doing C-” Normani started to ask, but the girl cut her off with a wave of her hand. “Mani, if you say my name, I will personally kick your ass.”

'Holy shit she’s hot when she swears,’ Lauren mused.

Normani looked shocked for a second, looking between her friends, until she put two and two together. “Ooooh, so THIS is the girl you’ve been pining over for the last week?” She teased.

“Maniiii,” the girl whined, making the barista giggle. “I told you not to embarrass me in front of my friends.”

“Oh honey, y'all ain’t friends, I can tell you that right now. Also, you would literally trip and eat shit before you could lay a finger on me.”

The girl huffed in annoyance, mumbling something about not using her clumsiness against her.

“Mani don’t tell me her name, I don’t want to know just yet. Plus I want her to tell me herself, so I’m being patient,” Lauren said, making the other girl blush.

“Lauren, you and patient do not belong in the same sentence. You want something, you get it immediately, that’s how you’ve always been.”

“Well.. this is different,” Lauren said, looking at her companion with a twinkle in her eyes.

'Damn, she’s whipped already,’ Normani thought, smiling at her two friends. “C'mon, I’ll take you guys to your table.”

Normani led them to booth near the back where they would be secluded from most people. 'We’re just getting pizza, not fucking on the table,’ the barista thought humorously. The girls sat across from each other as Normani handed them their menus and gave them a moment to decide what they wanted. Lauren and her beautiful companion agreed to get the stuffed crust pizza, but had very different opinions of what to put on it.

“If you think pineapple belongs on pizza, you can go straight to hell.”

“Lauren there’s nothing straight about me,” the girl across from Lauren quipped. Her eyes widened comically as she covered her mouth, realizing what she said. Lauren, however, was laughing so hard that no laughter was coming out at all, clapping her hands like a seal and tears running down her cheeks.

“Seriously, how can you possibly make me laugh so hard?” Lauren panted, out of breath from her laughing fit.

“I’m obviously a comedic genius,” she smirked, trying to play off her distress from earlier, “couldn’t you tell by the first time we met?”

“The only thing I could tell from the first time we met is that you’re a huge dork” the barista joked, hesitantly adding, “and that you’re absolutely beautiful.”

They ended up getting a basic pepperoni pizza. “Fitting for a basic bitch like yourself,” Lauren had joked, referring to her choice drink, bringing a boisterous laugh from the brunette’s lips. When they weren’t stuffing their faces with “god’s greatest gift to mankind” as her companion had put it (Lauren begged to differ), they were getting to know each other. Lauren learned about her stranger’s sister, Sofi, and how she was the light of her life back home, she learned about her minor (major) obsession with One Direction, and her refusal to try any type of non-generic foods.

(“I tried salmon!” “Because you know what salmon is!”)

She also learned that the girl in front of her could play guitar, sing, and write her own music. Even though she refuses to let anyone hear what she’s written, the barista plans on being the exception someday.

Lauren could feel her own reluctance to end this time with the girl in front of her. She was desperately trying to think of some way to continue their date when the brunette spoke.

“This might sound stupid, but would want to wander around campus for a little while? I’m not ready for this to end just yet..” she spoke, trailing off at the end as though she was embarrassed.

Lauren just smiled at her gently, answering, “I was just trying to figure out how to ask the same thing.” She put some cash on the table, watching the brunette open her mouth in protest before she put a hand up. “Keep it shut, Peter Pan, I’m buying since I asked you out.” She held her hand out to the girl. “Now come on, Normani has been taking pictures of us for the last twenty minutes and I’m sick of her shit.”

Rolling her eyes in faux annoyance, she took Lauren’s hand as they left the restaurant with a wave goodbye to their mutual friend. As they walked out, Lauren couldn’t help but notice how perfect their hands fit together.

-

A/N: Hey everyone! Thanks again for reading! I have over 1,000 reads now holy shit! You guys are all awesome I appreciate every single one of you

Normani is here! And she knows Camila! Almost ruining the surprise smh. And y'all know I had to put that Norminah in 😏😏

Fun fact: Ciao Amici’s is a real Italian restaurant and my uncle-in-law used to own it.

I’m doing my best to update frequently since you all thrive on that shit, but I actually have to go back to work this weekend so I’m going to try to keep updating frequently but I apologize if it’s not every night like it has been so far. 

Have a great day babies and I hope you’re all safe and loved ❤️

-Katie

(As always, you can find my story on wattpad here)