#like if i ever get any asks that are. genuinely violent or hateful or whatnot ill probably just delete them | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sugawaraxo · 4 years

Text

safe place

warnings: reader comes from an abusive household. will include both physical and verbal abuse.

characters: tadashi yamaguchi, satori tendou, tobio kageyama, tetsuro kuroo

request: hii!! can i request scenarios with yamaguchi, tendou, kageyama, kuroo (and maybe akaashi 🥺👉👈) with a crush on a girl who comes from an abusive household and how they would confess/help her? thank you sm🥺💗

an: i’ve been writing so much smut lately that writing fluff felt weird bahaha, but i hope you enjoy it! :)

yamaguchi

- there has been a dramatic shift in your personality since tadashi first met you

- and he notices it instantly

- though you pretend to be, you’re no longer the cheerful and bubbly y/n you once were

- and yamaguchi hates seeing you this way

- so he debates whether he should bring it up for a long while, not knowing exactly what to say

- but when you show up to his house one day, shaking harshly with tears pooling down your face

- he knows something’s terribly wrong

“hi y/n.” tadashi says with a big grin as finally he opens his front door after hearing his doorbell ring a couple times. that smile quickly drops and forms into an expression rich with concern. his eyebrows furrow and his eyes widen as he takes in your appearance. you’re shaking violently and breathing heavily. your eyes are bloodshot from all of the tears that are quickly rushing down your face, dripping silently onto the concrete of yamaguchi’s front step as you avoid eye contact with him. you’re not quite sure why, but you’re embarrassed about crying in front of him. so your eyes stay locked on the bland grey of the concrete ground beneath you as you wait for tadashi to say something.

“c-come in. it’s super cold, you can tell me what’s wrong inside.” he says sweetly, reaching out a hand for you to grab. he leads you into the kitchen, watching as you take a seat on the counter. then he grabs a kettle from the stove, pouring you a cup of tea with the water he was boiling before you had shown up on his doorstep. you two remain silent as he does so, neither of you being quite sure of what to say in this moment. so you let the stale silence consume you, only the delicate sounds of yamaguchi pouring the cups of tea filling your ears. once he’s done preparing your tea the way he knows you like it, he walks over to your spot on the counter and hands you the mug.

“careful, it’s really hot.” he informs and you smile softly at his concern. you take a small sip of the tea after blowing it to cool it a bit, sighing at how warm it makes you feel. tadashi always makes it so perfectly for you and you can’t help but feel extremely safe in this moment as he stands next to you silently, though his eyes are asking for an explanation.

“my mom yelled at me again, but it was worse this time.” you sigh, tears starting to sting your eyes again at the recollection of your previous screaming match with your mother.

“about what this time?” yamaguchi asks, locking his eyes with yours. his demeanor is soft but his gaze is harsh and you can tell he’s upset that this is happening again.

“all i did is forget to wash the dishes and it led to her screaming at me that i’m a lazy, good for nothing piece of shit who leeches off of her for food and shelter. basically the usual spiel of how i’m useless and just take up space. how she wishes she never had me because then she’d have one less problem to worry about.” you explain, attempting to choke back the sob forming in your throat. you don’t notice since your eyes are focused on the mug in your hands, but yamaguchi’s own orbs are brimmed with tears. he sets his mug down on the counter beside you and moves between your legs so that he could be as close to you as possible.

“hey, look at me.” he says, but you refuse. you hate having him see you like this. it’s only happened once before and you swore it wouldn’t happen again but here you are, sitting on his kitchen counter while forcing yourself not to break down in front of him. after you disregard his request, he takes matters into his own hands.

he cups the sides of your face timidly with both of his hands, them still being warm from holding his mug. he lifts your head so that your eyes meet his and you feel your heart flutter a bit. you notice the tears that have yet to leave his eyes, resting there but threatening to spill over at any second. instinctively, you reach up to wipe the tears away as you see them finally fall and he smiles a weak smile at you.

“you’re not useless y/n.” he starts “you are so, so special whether your mom sees that or not. i truly hate that she doesn’t. because if she could even just see a fraction of the most mesmerizing sides of you that i get to see everyday, maybe she would change. or maybe she wouldn’t. despite what she thinks, i know how genuine and kind you are. i know how beautiful and selfless you are. you’re far from good for nothing, i hope you know that. and if you don’t, i’m more than willing to help you realize just how incredible you really are, because i love you. i love you a lot y/n, and i hate seeing you so upset. so i’ll do whatever i can to make it better. i promise.” yamaguchi confesses. tears are streaming down both of your faces at this point. this is everything you need to hear right now and then some, and you feel completely at ease with yamaguchi’s words.

“i love you too tadashi, thank you so much. god, i love you.” you coo before lightly grasping the back of his head and pulling him down for a kiss. your action catches him off guard at first, so he’s a bit timid in terms of kissing you back, but after a few seconds he catches the rhythm and kisses you softly.

“you can stay here if you want, for as long as you need.” he offers, giving you a shy smile.

“i’d love that.” you smile back.

tendou

- you and tendou have a very playful friendship

- always play fighting or teasing each other and whatnot

- the typical ‘we like each other and everyone around us knows we like each other but we’re completely oblivious so we don’t know we like each other’ type friendship

- one day the two of you are at tendou’s house at the kitchen table “studying” (which really means “fighting”) as per usual

- tendou playfully hits you very lightly, not even a toddler would have been fazed by the slight shove

- but you wince roughly at the touch

- and tendou gets suspicious

“i barely even touched you, what’s up?” tendou asks for what seems to you like the billionth time.

“it’s nothing, i was messing around. just drop it.” you huff, growing annoyed at tendou’s persistence in finding out what the issue is.

“the look on your face was clearly not a joke y/n, tell me why it hurt so bad? what aren’t you telling me?” tendou pushes and you’ve just about reached your limit.

“i said it’s nothing so just please stop fucking asking, ok?” you snap, though in the process you lift your arms to cover your face in aggravation. the motion raises your shirt a bit, allowing tendou to catch a glimpse of the huge dark purple bruise spread across your ribs.

“y/n. what the hell happened? that looks terrible.” tendou whispers, the shock of what he has just seen revoking his ability to speak out loud. you catch his gaze locked on your stomach and quickly remove your hands from your face, not even realizing that the movement had lifted your shirt. your face flushes to a sickly shade, all life leaving your body as you realize you can’t lie your way out of this anymore. you have never in your life had someone look at you with as much concern as tendou is now looking at you with, his eyes scanning your face dumbfoundedly as he anticipates your answer to his question. you sigh heavily, mentally preparing yourself for the draining information you’re about to tell.

“well um. i got into a disagreement with my dad.” is all you can manage to get out. you planned on explaining more, but just bringing it up makes your stomach curdle with fear and you feel as though you’re about to vomit. tendou notices and rests a comforting hand on your thigh, rubbing it in small gentle motions.

“he hit you?” tendou asks softly, trying to better grasp the situation.

“well he was drunk and i had an attitude with him, so he got a little worked up and ended up pushing me over. i fell and hit my side on the kitchen table on my way down. but it was just an accident, it’s ok. i made him upset and he pushed me. i just lost my balance is all. it’s not his fault.” you find yourself trying to defend your father and you don’t even know why. you know him pushing you wasn’t an accident. you falling and hitting the table was, but that doesn’t diminish the fact that your father just grunted at you as he watched you sob on the floor in agonizing pain before going back to his previous spot on the couch and finishing off his glass of whiskey. but you don’t want to tell tendou that.

“y/n no, that’s not ok.” tendou’s voice breaks and your heart breaks with it. “accident or not, no man should be putting their hands on you like that. better yet, your own father. is this the first time he’s done something like this?” tendou asks, attempting to keep his voice steady but failing.

you shake your head no and tendou sighs, shaking his head in dismay.

“i need to get you out of that house y/n. i’ll figure something out.”

“no satori, it’s fine. i’m fine. i can hold my own.” you argue.

“i’m not denying that you can, but i’d feel like the most terrible human being on earth if i let you go back there and something else ends up happening to you. so you’re staying here. my parents and i will figure out a way to take care of any legal actions that need to be made, but until then you are staying here and i will not let you argue with that.” tendou states firmly. although his words are firm, you can see in his eyes that he’s hurting for you. you couldn’t argue with him even if you wanted and luckily, you don’t want to.

“thank you tendou, that means more to me than you’ll ever know.” you say.

“you don’t need to thank me, i care about you too much to see you get hurt. i want you right here with me so i can know you’re ok.” he says, leaning forward to press a gentle kiss to your forehead. you melt at his sweet gesture, and suddenly feel like everything will actually be ok.

kageyama

- kageyama is very attentive and tends to notice things about you that the typical outside viewer wouldn’t pick up on

- like the way you’ve been spacing out whenever he speaks to you

- or the way you flinch whenever someone slightly raises their voice around you

- the way your eyes look tired and lifeless lately, despite the huge smile you may be carrying on your face

- he has a hunch that he knows what’s going on, so he pulls you aside after his practice that you sat and watched while doing homework to talk

“hey y/n, can i talk to you for a second?” kageyama asks as he walks to your spot in the stands. you frown up at him, not really sure what he would want to talk about, but you shrug with a quick ‘sure’ and let him lead you behind the gym. you frown again because this is where he takes you whenever he has something serious to tell you, or when either of you are having a really bad day and need to express your emotions in private.

“what’s up?” you ask curiously, searching his eyes for any sort of hint of what he’s about to say.

“that’s sort of what i want to ask you. what’s up with you lately? i mean, you’ve been pretty good at hiding it, but i can tell something’s going on with you and it’s not good. i just wanna make sure you’re ok.” he says softly. you contemplate telling him what’s been going on at home, his gentle expression seems so caring and genuine. it’s difficult for you not to just open up to him and let him in. but you’re scared of what he might think or how he may react, so you bow your head down to avoid eye contact and mutter,

“it’s nothing really. school has just been a bit stressful is all.”

“you’re lying.”

“what?” you ask, lifting your head to meet his gaze once more. to you, your performance was believable. but kageyama’s been your best friend for the past two years now so he’s become somewhat of a master in knowing whether you’re being honest with him or not.

“you’re lying. what’s really going on?” he asks. he’s looking down at you with his deep blue eyes drowning in concern. you can tell he won’t let you leave without hearing the genuine truth, so you decide it’s for the best not to lie anymore.

“my mom hit me the other day and we haven’t really talked since.” you explain sadly, tilting your head down again. kageyama sighs at your confession because his hunch is correct, and he hates that it is. “we were arguing as usual, but this time she umm, she got a bit too carried away.” you continue. kageyama physically feels his heart break for you. he’s always known how terrible your relationship with your mother was from his first few weeks of knowing you. you would constantly tell him all the awful words she spewed at you in the heat of your arguments, and he was always there to comfort and reassure you afterwards. but it was always verbal, never physical so he wasn’t quite sure if him stepping in to try and help would do any good or just make matters worse. but hearing that it’s now escalated to physical harm makes his stomach ache.

“i’m so sorry y/n, i should’ve helped when i first heard about how she was speaking to you. that should’ve been my first sign that something like this would happen. i feel terrible for not doing anything.” he let’s out, his head now bowing along with yours.

“hey.” you say in an almost whisper, lifting his head up by placing your finger underneath his chin. his tear glistened eyes meet yours and you can feel the guilt radiating from his body which makes your heart shatter. “none of this is any of your fault. you did help me, ok? you’re the only person i’ve ever even told any of this to and you have always been there to comfort me when i do. you’ll never realize how much that means to me tobio. i appreciate you so much.” you explain.

his eyes jump back and forth between yours as he absorbs everything you just said. then his eyes glance down to your lips and linger there for a moment. yours do the same to his, both of you mentally questioning whether or not you should just go for it. eventually the pressure of the moment pushes you two together and your lips graze tenderly. kageyama’s hands find their place on your hips as your arms wrap behind his neck instinctively. the kiss is sweet and filled with so many emotions. most importantly, it’s filled with love. a kiss that you both have been craving for so long yet never had the guts to pursue. and finally, you’re able to give in. after a few moments you pull away, flushed and flustered a bit yet completely content.

“you can stay at my place tonight. we can figure out how everything will play out once we get there.” kageyama says as more of a question than a statement. you just smile and kiss him again in response.

you’re slightly worried about what the future holds, but having kageyama by your side will forever ease your nerves.

kuroo

- though kuroo can be a bit of a tease sometimes, he’s also immensely caring for those that he loves

- you being one of the people that he loves beyond words

- though he hasn’t confessed it yet

- means he’s very protective of you and would do anything to keep you from getting hurt

- he’s always been your rock, and you his

- so when he finds out that your parents have been emotionally damaging you

- he gets fairly upset

“jesus, i look so disgusting.” you say in what you think is a joking manner while looking at yourself in kuroo’s closet mirror. but the way kuroo’s head snaps up from his phone to give you a glare, you can tell he didn’t take it as a joke.

“why are you always talking about yourself like that?” he frowns.

“like what?” you respond dumbly, knowing exactly what he means but really not wanting to embark on your trauma right now.

“you’re always referring to yourself as if you’re the grossest thing in existence and it hurts me to hear you say those things. is there a reason why you feel like that?” he asks, sitting up straighter on the bed to get a better view of you in the mirror. you sigh and turn to face him, walking over to his bed and sitting on the edge of it.

“yeah, i guess there is a reason.” you admit, looking down at your hands as you fidget with them.

“well, what’s the reason?” kuroo asks. you look up at him nervously. you told yourself that this is something you would always keep to yourself because you don’t want to bombard others with your issues. but there’s something about kuroo that makes it immensely difficult not to just tell him everything. maybe it’s the way he fully listens to you whenever you have something to say. it’s like nothing and no one else around him matters but you and whatever you have to tell him. he always makes you feel heard and validated. important. something you never get at home.

“it’s just my parents i guess. no matter what i do, i’m never good enough for them. i’m always trying so hard to impress them, make them happy. but all i get in return is being yelled at and told how much of a disappointment i am. do you know how hard that is? being the best version of yourself that you can possibly be and still not being enough for the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally? it hurts so bad kuroo, and it makes me feel like i’m nothing. so that’s why i’m always talking about myself like that. because it’s how i see myself, as nothing.” you tear up. hot tears begin rolling down your face uncontrollably as soft sobs leave your body. kuroo completely softens at your words, moving closer to you so he can wipe your tears with the pad of his thumb. he pulls you closer to him, your head tucked into his chest while his large arms suffocate you in his warm embrace.

“i’m so sorry y/n. words can be so damaging, especially coming from your own parents and i really wish you didn’t have to go through that. because now you don’t even see yourself the way you should see yourself. the way i see you.” kuroo says, trailing off a bit on the last line. “i think you are the most captivating person i have ever met and probably ever will meet. every time i’m around you i just can’t help but feel this sharp pang in my heart which i can only assume is love. because i feel it when you’re gone too. you’re unbelievably amazing y/n, and insanely beautiful too. please don’t let your parents destroy that for you, although i don’t think they ever could.” kuroo finishes.

you lift your head from his chest and look into kuroo’s kind hazel eyes as he looks back at you, flashing a small smile.

“that’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever said to me tetsu.” you smile “and i love you too.” you finish causing kuroo to immediately go red. he was somewhat hoping you would have forgotten or missed his accidental love bomb, but how could you? you’ve been waiting to say the words yourself for who knows how long, so your heart almost couldn’t take it when it slipped from kuroo’s lips.

“thank god.” kuroo laughs lightly, “now what are we gonna do about your parents?”

“completely forget about them?” you joke, though in the back of your mind you’re somewhat serious.

“i was thinking confront them and put them in their place, but that works too.” kuroo chuckles before lightly grasping your chin and kissing you. you’ve never felt happier nor safer than you do in this exact moment.

1K notes · View notes

whispersafterdusk · 4 years

Text

Lost in Time - ch 12

Spring was here; it was still cold but now it was a lot wetter. He missed the snow in a way, since it was essentially a readily available cold pack for sore muscles.

And oh boy, were Arlo's muscles sore.

Eli had started them out easy; a couple weeks of basic work outs with her slowly introducing new techniques and exercises each Monday with the weekend set aside for rest and recuperation. But by the second month of spring she'd started ramping things up: harder, more grueling exercises, longer sessions, diet requirements. He could tell he was starting to put on muscle mass already but all the work left him so stiff and sore that he often got back to his room in the evenings, climbed into bed, and didn't move again until morning came.

He couldn't go straight home tonight though; his day had started bright and early with the group exercises, then he'd spent another afternoon down in the facility, and tonight he was supposed to meet Nora at the Round Table for dinner. It was the first arranged meeting they'd had in...awhile. No amount of sore muscles would have him missing this. ((Continued below cut))

-------------------------------

The Barnarock Black was her Thursday evening drink of choice, and being as it was both a Thursday as well as right on heels of a several-hours-long social meet-up with Carol and Antoine, Eli was ready for a drink.

And food. Being as she hadn't expected the meeting to last as long as it had she'd skipped lunch, and while there were snacks and tea she had to really restrain herself from eating a ton of junk food while trying her best to ignore the rumblings in her stomach. Thankfully the chatter never really let up so she didn't think anyone had heard her gut screeching for sustenance but once they'd all parted ways she'd all but run down the street toward the Round Table.

On her way through the door she was almost knocked over by Nora leaving; the girl had thrown the door wide open and slammed it (accidentally) into Eli's hand as she'd been reaching for the handle to open it herself. As Nora shuffled by with a half-apology and all but ran toward the hill leading toward the church Eli stood there both wondering what the heck had prompted her to rush out of there while also trying to awkwardly pinch shut the fresh cut over her middle knuckle before it started to really bleed.

Inside the Round Table she could see Asher at the long side of the counter, Dawa and Dana at the far end of the counter taking up the pair of stools there, Mars and his daughters in a back booth, and Gale and his family were sitting at the round table in the middle of the room. Sonia was busy buzzing back and forth between tables and the back of the restaurant and Django was nowhere to be seen but based on the number of people in here he was probably up to his ears in food orders.

"Evening," Asher greeted her as she took a seat next to him. He tilted his head and got a look at her hand. "Need something for that?"

"Nah. It's just a scrape. Did Django not have her favorite pie or something?"

"Who?"

"Nora, isn't it? With the church?"

"Oh, yeah - that was Nora. No idea. Didn't even know she was here until she left - I never seem to notice that side room there."

Eli knew what he was talking about; there was what looked like a newer addition on the front of the restaurant - it had a large bookcase stuffed full of books, a radio on a stand alone cabinet, and a single booth with a pair of loveseats (which wasn't so odd considering that instead of benches or chairs at the other booths there were plush couches that seated 3, maybe 4 if you piled in together). It was easy to let your attention slide right passed it since you couldn't really see it or see into it unless you crossed the room to the tables on the back wall.

It looked like just Arlo was sitting-

Ah. Ok then.

Eli inhaled through her teeth - an awkward hiss, of sorts - and sat down at the counter. It took awhile for Sonia to make it over and take her order; the cut on her knuckle kept oozing and she'd resorted to periodically swiping the blood off with a thumb and then sticking said thumb into her mouth.

"You SURE you don't want something to wrap that in?"

"All the napkins here are cloth. I'd rather not stain them with a bodily fluid."

Asher rolled his eyes and pulled a rumpled, dark green handkerchief out of his pocket and offered it. "And before you ask, no, I haven't blown my nose into it. It's clean but stained so don't worry about adding to it."

As he said the handkerchief WAS stained - looked like oil, and blood too - but she wrapped it around and tied it off. "Well, at least I won't drip anywhere. Thanks. I hate how much hands bleed before clotting up."

"I agree - knees and shins too. And no problem. I've actually never, ever needed to blow my nose in one of those - my dad made me carry one around for that purpose and I always end up using it for something else. It's a pretty gross concept, really...stuffing a crud-filled cloth back into my pocket. And I'm supposed to use it several times over a day?" Asher wrinkled his nose at that. "And I say that after having gutted fish and food animals...guts and blood? Totally fine. Snot? No thank you."

Eli chuckled; he had a point, after all. He also still had a noticeable bruise across his cheek from a cross-country jog last week where he'd taken a tree limb right to the face when an end piece had snapped off and slapped the rest of it directly back into him as he'd gone to push passed it. "We usually had bandages and tissue glue on hand for little things like this. I've even stuck industrial tape over cuts to hold it over until I got back to treat it properly. Drove Peter absolutely insane doing that. Was good times..."

"Peter?" Asher repeated.

She leaned forward and braced her elbows on the counter, putting her chin in her hands. "Yeah - he was one of our team medics. Him and Ashley, kept us pieced together and put all the blood and chunks back where they belonged."

Asher nodded slowly at that. "Not a bad idea - having a dedicated medical person. It's not something we typically do unless it's a big expedition. But, we all have some basic first aid training so it's not like we're heading out without anything at all."

"Do you have assigned squads in your Flying Pigs? I'm not even sure what an adventuring guild is."

"Not really," he answered. "We're a sort of grab bag group - we pick and choose who goes where, unless someone was specifically requested for a contract job. As for what we do we inspect old ruins for dangers and clear them out, protect those who need protecting, and we help map out areas that no one's been to in centuries. We've been a bit focused on that lately - eventually we'll make better strides out into the Peripheries and the Great Begeondan and get some settlements in place there too but, no lie, those are some of the most dangerous places on the continent. Full of monsters and rogue AIs, weird weather, extreme temperatures too."

"Sounds like my kind of place."

The look he gave her was somewhere between surprise and suspicion. "You're...joking, right?"

"Not in the slightest. Believe it or not there were a lot of wild, wide open places still left in the world back in my time period. A lot of our training happened out in harsh areas, and sometimes we'd get called in to go track down some idiot tourist or terrorist that had disappeared out there. Rangers had to be ready for just about anything, in any climate or location, for any reason."

Now he looked less like he thought she was joking and more just genuinely surprised. "So - I mean. It just seems weird to me that what survived through the ages were stories of humans living lazy, luxurious lives, with robots doing everything. And then you say there were wild spaces and hard training and having to be ready at the drop of a hat. Why was there any need for soldiers, or rangers? At least, human ones anyway."

Eli shrugged. "Each time I hear 'robots did everything' it surprises ME because it seems like no one actually gives thought to what that means beyond its surface. Would YOU want your life in the hands of something that's one hack or power failure away from shutting off entirely, losing all your files, or turning on you? Most people tended to act honorably and not target the innocent and whatnot but still, there were those who wanted their voices heard or wanted power and control no matter how many people they incidentally or purposely killed. In hindsight the fact that the leaders of the world worked so hard to keep the nasty, dark, and terrible things out of the public eye seems to have...really slapped the rose colored glasses on, to the detriment of accurate historical record. Granted, "accurate records" were a bit of joke anyway - at least to those who knew what was being to told to military and what was sent out to civilians. Oh, a hospital got hacked? A train engine exploded for no reason? Power shut off mysteriously? Nah, nothing serious - just "equipment failures" causing weird quirks and shutdowns," Eli said, raising her hands to stick air quotes around 'equipment failures' and all but oozing sarcasm. "The world was...certainly something, compared to what it is now. But there's no such thing as a utopia. People are always going to be unhappy about something, or slip through the cracks of society and feel they have a justifiable reason to make their displeasure known in violent ways. There's a reason all the nations still had standing armies even though we'd had peace for centuries, before I was even a concept in Fate's outline. They kept us all busy with public works projects, organized war games - think big but friendly skirmishes with harmless paint-based or laser weapons with sensor suits - and, like I mentioned before, the occasional idiot tourist rescue, but it wasn't all sunshine and daisies unless you were a regular citizen."

Asher let out a soft noise - Eli thought it was 'geez' or something similar - and rubbed at his chin, going silent for a bit. Sonia brought out Eli's usual beer then disappeared just as quickly as she'd popped up; Eli had half the bottle downed before Asher spoke again.

"Bet you never thought you'd be correcting history books, huh?"

She sat the bottle down and did a half-assed imitation of jazz hands. "Ta da, I am full of surprises." That rapid shaking movement dislodged the handkerchief around her knuckles a bit so she untied and then re-tied it back into place, using her teeth this time to help tighten the knot a bit better.

Over the chatter and sounds of cutlery on plates Eli made out the sounds of plodding feet, and shifted on her stool just enough to see Arlo slouching his way toward the door; right as he reached it it opened and Remington was framed in the doorway briefly before he stepped aside.

"Oh, hey - how'd it--" Remington was cut off as Arlo slipped passed him and kept going without a word; the man stared after him a moment. "--go..." he finished his sentence with a frown, and a shake of his head. He came inside and up to the counter to take the empty stool on Eli's left. "Evening, guys."

"Evening. How's the knee?" Eli asked.

Remington slid his legs around and flexed his leg a bit. "Not as bad as I thought it'd be, by now. It hurts but no more than it does when the weather is bad."

"Good to hear. I wish flex-gel still existed...that stuff worked wonders."

"Well, we make do," Remington chuckled. "What's tomorrow looking like?"

"Starting with a warm up run, then I have a couple new things to show. They're...hard, so I won't keep you all too long at it, and you'll have the weekend to recover like normal."

"Something to look forward to, then," Remington replied.

Sonia came back with Asher and Eli's orders, took Remington's, and disappeared again.

As she picked up her fork Eli offered the two men a small grin. "I probably should have warned you both to eat light tonight. It's going to be a rough morning."

-----------------------------------------------------

"Before today...no idea...what a burpee was," Asher wheezed from where he was laying flat on his back on the grass. "Can't say I care for them....or the reverse ones..."

"A sentiment I can get behind," Sam groaned. She wasn't laying down but she was sitting a couple feet from Asher with her arms around her legs along with her head nearly between her knees.

Remington was off to the side finishing up some additional push ups with a sack of sand on his back for weight; Eli had let him do a few burpees to see how his knee held up and had eventually decided not to risk blowing the joint out. While Sam and Asher did regular and reverse burpees with one-pound sacks of sand in each hand Remington had to do lunges, sit ups, and push ups with a five pound sack.

For whatever reason though Arlo wasn't present.

Earlier, before they'd started on their run, Eli had caught Remington and Sam sharing a knowing look, and when asked neither of them owned up to knowing why Arlo had skipped today. She'd decided not to press the issue and had gone about the morning as she'd planned; being as the burpees had wiped everyone out she was content to not do their cool down jog and was just settling on the top of the fence when she spied Arlo's figure coming toward them from Portia's gates. He was...slouching a bit, and looked a little tired.

"Morning," she called when he was within not-quite-shouting distance.

"Morning. Sorry, didn't mean to miss today."

"No problem. I can do a repeat if you're still up for it."

From his spot still flat on the ground Asher raised a hand. "Run - run while you still can."

Eli snorted. "Well, yeah - running is part of the routine."

"Not what I meant," Asher chuckled. He rolled over and groaned as he got to his feet. "I've got to get back out to the facility...maybe lay down somewhere that isn't wet and muddy for a bit before I get dragged into the depths to watch some old folks fart around in piles of dust."

With a smile Eli slid off the fence. "Remind them to leave things where they found it and to not try turning anything on. Going to be hard enough as it is to unlock personal stations without them tripping the lock out mechanisms."

"They've been fairly good at keeping their hands to themselves now that they have Stewart to entertain them but I'll remind them. See you guys later."

With that Asher headed out of the fence gate and headed toward town; he was walking in a slow, wincing manner, and Eli made a mental note to go a bit easy on them on the next couple of work days. A few moments later and Arlo was standing at the fence - on the outer side - and after a pause he sighed.

"I have something I need to speak to you privately about, if you have time."

"Sure." She hopped off the fence and looked to Sam and Remington. "If you want to do your cool downs that's up to you but otherwise I'll see you guys Monday morning, or whenever I next run into you."

She left through the gate and walked alongside Arlo down the road heading toward the shoreline; by her estimate they were halfway to the harbor before he started speaking.

"I wanted your opinion on something because it technically involves you. But first I need to ask - have you noticed anyone treating you differently, or rudely, lately?"

Eli shook her head. "Not that I've noticed. There's still some people that I think I make nervous but they're also not anyone I speak to or see often." She paused and then let out a small huff of laughter. "I think I'm doing a pretty good job proving I'm harmless to people I see on a day to day basis."

Arlo nodded at that and his pace slowed just a bit. "Have you interacted with Nora or Lee much?"

"Ha, no. Nora runs away from me and I think Lee would walk straight through the side of a building to avoid walking on the same street as me. I do notice he gets a bit louder in his sermons in the plaza if he sees me nearby but he doesn't directly single me out."

"So, you don't think Lee has had too much influence on how others are treating you?"

Eli slowed to a stop; Arlo took a few more steps before stopping but he didn't turn around. "Not that I can tell. But I'm guessing he's got some sort of influence over YOU and I'm at the center of it, right?"

He sighed heavily, sounding annoyed. "Yes, unfortunately." For several moments he stood there silently, then finally turned around to look back at her. "Nora and I were sort of dating. I'm not really sure if we were officially a couple or not. There's...something there, but I don't know what. The thing is, she broke things off with me last night because of my association with you."

Eli raised an eyebrow at that. "Don't tell me she thinks you were cheating?"

"No, nothing like that," he answered quickly. "She's not happy that I'm openly associating with something the Church is so against."

"...the past," Eli sighed; Arlo nodded in response. "You know that's a bit ridiculous, right?"

"The Church has its views, and I have my own regarding technology from the old world. I agree that there's a lot of dangerous things left behind from your time period. But I also agree that not all of it could possibly be bad. If it was ALL bad I feel like there wouldn't BE a past for us to be studying. I know Nora strongly believes we shouldn't be using things from the past but I also know she's changed her mind on a few things once she'd directly experienced it or learned about it. Knowing that, I feel like Lee is responsible for her...stance, I guess, regarding associating with you."

"So confront him about it."

"That's...something I'm considering," he replied after a pause. "But what I wanted to talk to you about was your own personal experience with Portia's townsfolk. Gale was pretty direct about wanting to hear about any sort of trouble that Lee is causing, in the context of it causing YOU trouble. But this doesn't directly affect you in any way, it just affects me. If it's not your life he's interfering with then I don't know if I should tell Gale and risk rocking the boat."

"I think you should," Eli said, crossing her arms and glancing over a shoulder toward the distant and yet somehow looming pinnacle that the Church sat on. "If she wanted to break things off it should be HER decision, not because some crusty evangelizer told her to. No preacher or employer or authority figure should be free to meddle to that degree in someone's personal life. Not to mention that he's just asking for Balance to beckon and Judgement to come reckon..."

Arlo looked briefly confused by that last bit; Eli just shrugged - she could always explain the phrase to him later if he was interested. "-look, even if it's not affecting me directly it's clear I'm being used as a sort of weapon here. I could care less if someone is cursing my name up, down, and sideways, but I really don't like the idea that I'm essentially being used as a political bludgeon. In fact, I think I'LL go talk to Nora and get the real story out of her."

"I'd rather she not know-"

"Do you really think she'd just expect you not to tell anyone?" Eli interrupted. "Or that no one would notice you two split and not have questions?"

"I... I guess not." He sighed heavily again and tilted his head back to stare up into the sky. "I just don't want to cause a rift between anyone."

"Let me see what I can find out and THEN we can decide if we want to rock this particular boat or not. Might be that IF Lee was behind this, and IF he thinks he got away with it, he might try it again with other people and then THAT might actually affect me directly. If anything it's worth it to try and stop that before the metaphorical rocking ends up capsizing instead."

Arlo nodded. "All right, I guess. I'm going to head back to the Corps building. Let me know what you found out."

"Will do."

They walked back to town in silence and at the base of the hill near the plaza Arlo kept going while Eli took a sharp left to head to the path that spiraled up to where the church sat on top of a ruins (and if it was the location she thought it was it had once been several floors of administrative offices, a number of clothing boutiques, and a ground floor restaurant). By the time she got to the top and was looking at the church's doors that familiar feeling of nostalgia had hit her...nostalgia felt like a strange emotion to be having but she supposed it was a step up from the usual soul-crushing gut punch she usually got when she let herself think about something she recognized.

"Knock knock, anyone home," she found herself muttering as she shouldered the door open and stepped into the quiet chapel.

It was nice in here, at least - nothing opulent or over the top. Pews, carpet down the aisle, banners and a chandelier, stained glass windows and murals on the walls. There was a fountain near the back wall behind the pulpit (which was just a small podium with a book sitting open on it), and she thought she could see a piano back there too.

The only thing breaking up the silence was the gurgle of water and the rhythmic sounds of sweeping coming from somewhere to her left; Eli walked up the small ramp into the sanctuary proper and from that spot she spied Nora off in the corner with a broom in hand.

The girl looked up to her and Eli saw her tense up.

"Morning. If you've got a moment I'd like to speak with you," Eli said. Not much of a greeting but the girl already didn't like her so no amount of politeness was probably going to change much.

"I uh...I need to finish sweeping." The girl was gripping her broom like she thought Eli was going to attack her; Eli wondered what exactly Lee had been telling her.

"That's fine. I can wait."

It was clear Nora had been hoping Eli would just leave but instead she watched silently as Eli moved a bit further into the room and sat down on the back pew there. Eli kept looking forward, admiring what she could see of the murals on the nearby wall; eventually she heard the sweeping start up again and could track Nora by sound as the woman finished up in that corner and moved down to the entryway, then back up and across into the corner on the right. She heard the scrape of a metal dust pan and the clatter of what she guessed was the top of a trash can opening and closing, and then silence. Eli let the silence stretch on for a bit before turning around; Nora seemed like she was debating whether she should run out the door or not but froze when she noticed Eli looking at her.

"Good to go?"

"Go...where?"

"I figured we could just step outside so if your minister shows up he can't yell at me for being on church property."

Nora inhaled and exhaled slowly then nodded, and mutely headed out the door; Eli followed along as the girl headed off to the right, to a wooden platform that was similar to the other wooden platforms that made up sections of the path that led up here -- it lined up with the path, in fact, and made it look like whoever had built it had intended to keep going up and around into the sky. She had a slight twinge of discomfort from the fact the platform gave a clear view of the land around Portia which included quite a few destroyed buildings.

Don't think about it.

"All right," she said then, blowing out a breath. "I'll get right to it: Arlo told me. And I want to know if that was YOUR decision or if Lee put you up to it. Because he's not sure and I'm not happy to be in the middle of this."

Nora winced slightly and rubbed at an arm, and at first didn't respond. Eli stuck her hand in her pockets and purposely looked to the left and down into the tree farm while trying to ignore the ruined observatory that she could still see out of the corner of her eye.

"We talked about it...and I agreed, so it was my decision," Nora finally said. "The relics of the past are dangerous, we shouldn't be embracing anything from that time period."

Eli turned her attention back to the girl. "Including me?"

"It's..."

"Look, I get it - you church folk aren't going to like that I exist. I'm a living reminder of how humanity almost wiped themselves out. I'm not asking you to like me. I am asking you if YOU made the decision to break things off with Arlo, on your own, for your own reasons, or if Lee convinced you to do it because in his mind it was the right thing to do because of Arlo's associating with me."

Nora's shoulders slumped a bit and again she was silent for a long period. "...I guess it's a bit of both. Lee's said that-"

"-let me stop you right there. Lee hasn't bothered talking to me, period. Whatever he's said I intend to do or teach is something he pulled directly out of his own ass." At that Nora's eyes widened a bit but Eli didn't know if it was due to the language or because of some possibility that she'd exposed Lee for lying. "Here's the thing. I know a lot about a lot of dangerous things everyone seems afraid of - AIs, weapons, computers, devices. Just because I know how something works, or worked, doesn't mean I can replicate it here. For every one thing I could maybe manage to write up a technical readout for there's fifty others that I can't. I know how to put a plasma pulse rifle together but I couldn't begin to tell you how to make one starting from a raw material base; I could describe step by step how to troubleshoot an anti-grav propulsion unit but hand me every single separate part, down to the nuts and bolts, and I'd have no clue how to assemble it. There's a lot of things that, if it already exists, I could probably get it working again but there's no way I could build it from the ground up because even if I knew everything about everything, the fact remains that your technological level just isn't where it needs to be to MAKE anything."

Nora simply stood and listened silently, and was staring at some indeterminate point on the horizon past the tree farm.

"...so," Eli said into the silence that followed. "Was it Lee, or was it your choice?"

Nora hung her head. "You already know the answer to that."

"I was hoping I was wrong. So, barring Lee's meddling, WOULD you have made that choice?"

To her surprise Nora lifted her head and answered immediately. "Yes. I think so, anyway. Just...not like I did, or when I did."

Eli nodded approvingly at the admission. "All right, we're getting somewhere then. What's the ACTUAL reasoning then?"

"I just... I don't know. I'm attracted to him - he's brave, and handsome, and kind. But I feel so... I love his stories, and love spending time with him, but there's so many times where once he runs out of stories it gets...it's like we run out of things to talk about. We don't have much in common it seems. I try to find things to talk about but its usually the same things each time - the weather, the news. I've even tried telling him about books I like but I feel silly trying to explain an entire book's plot. And..."

Eli raised an eyebrow. "And?" she prompted - she wasn't going to let her clam up now that the proverbial dam had apparently burst.

"-I was only supposed to stay in Portia for two years. I asked to stay longer and was granted an extension to my mission with the Church, and while I love Portia I can't stay here forever. I have schooling to finish in Atara and then I'd like to settle down and start a family, and Arlo wants to join the Flying Pigs and would be traveling all over. I don't think either of us can stay with the other unless someone wants to give up a dream."

"Aha..." Eli muttered. "That I can understand. Mine and my husband's jobs kept us apart quite a bit but neither of us would have ever asked the other one to give up their career."

"How...did it work out, then?"

Eli gave her a small smile. "We enjoyed every moment we got together, when we had the time. Truth be told, my marriage was arranged - I just got super lucky in that I actually fell in love with the person my parents picked." At Nora's shocked look she held up a hand. "I know, it sounds weird - arranged marriages weren't at all popular back then, and were even against the law in a lot of places. But all the men I was around were all soldiers or rangers, and I didn't want to marry another serviceman. My parents picked someone I knew in gradeschool so he wasn't a total stranger, and we ended up fitting together nicely."

"Phyllis ran away from an arranged marriage...I didn't think one could be successful."

"Don't get me wrong - I thought long and hard before I asked my parents to do that for me, AND asked them to make it clear to whoever needed to hear it that I wouldn't be putting my boots away if I got married. It's not something I would ever suggest to another person. But, to get back on track, I'm only mentioning my marriage and circumstance because it's entirely possible you and Arlo could make it work even if you're apart for long periods of time. It just boils down to, do you think that's what you'd want?"

Again Nora fell quiet, and Eli stayed where she was while the other walked over to the edge of the platform and leaned against it with her arms folded across the top plank of the fence. Standing there, in the quiet, Eli could hear footsteps coming up the path and assumed they were about to be interrupted - probably by Lee. She gave Nora a couple more minutes before clearing her throat to grab her attention.

"Give it some thought, and be honest with yourself. And when you have your answer, walk your happy little butt down to the Corps building and be honest with Arlo. You're still welcome to dislike me," Eli added after a moment, smiling slightly. "I hear someone coming though so I should probably make myself scarce."

"All right...I'll do that," Nora replied, voice quiet.

Eli nodded to her and then turned to plod back down the path. As she expected she passed Lee coming up; he gave her a brief sour look then turned his nose up to her and sped up to get by her faster. She managed to keep from rolling her eyes until she had her back to him and once she'd circled around enough to put him entirely out of sight she sped up into a trot -- may as well get her cool down jog done. She would check in with Arlo later this afternoon instead (it made more sense to give Nora time to go talk to him on her own, before Eli went to tell him what she'd said -- it'd also mean a lot more for him to hear it from Nora).

As she passed under Portia's gate she paused at the split in the road; ordinarily she'd jog down to the harbor and back with the others for their cool down run. If she hung a right here she'd go up to the tree farm and she could easily keep going and check in at the facility - today was supposed to be one of her free days to do...whatever she felt like, but she didn't have much in mind to do. Maybe she could get back to rummaging through the spare parts and start the onerous duty of stripping down and re-working the auxiliary power bank to see if they could convert it over to wind power.

Yeah, that would probably be a better use of her time today.

She paused to stretch and then continued on, jogging up the road; there was someone coming down the road toward her - someone she didn't recognize. She offered the man a smile and moved off the road into the grass, and the man returned the smile and offered a little wave as she went by.

As she got to the tree farm's gate it swung open and out came Dawa, and when he saw her he waved at her and gestured for her to pause.

"Hey, Eli!"

"Hello Dawa. You need something?"

"Was Selene home when you left?"

"Uh... I actually have no idea. I usually get up and out of the house before she does and I spent the morning out exercising with the Corps folks."

Dawa nodded and grunted. "Ah, all right. Was hoping to possibly save myself a trip down there. But no big deal - it's not like I'm walking across the continent," he chuckled.

"I'm just out for a jog, I could turn around and see if she's there and then send her your way."

Dawa considered that a moment, then nodded. "If you don't mind. I've got a lot of work I need to get done by tonight and any minute I can save is worth it."

Eli raised an eyebrow. "Yeah? Need a hand with anything?"

"Nah, it's just a lot of chopping and getting things delivered on time. I can manage it...I think."

"Fair enough. I'll go have a look and come back up this way if she's not there."

"Thanks Eli!" he called after her as she turned around and jogged back down the path.

She caught up to that same man from before on the way back; he'd stopped not too far from where she'd first passed him, and was sitting on a bit of broken stone off the side of the road watching her approach. With how he had his feet propped up she could see his brown leather boots were worn and had a few holes in them, and they matched his equally worn duster coat; the man himself also looked weathered and old.

"Hello again," she said as she came up.

"Hey," was the man's response.

When she got back to the house she did in fact find Selene working in her factory and let her know Dawa was looking for her. She got a sort of distracted, non-committal promise to go talk to him and then Eli left the builder to whatever it was she was piecing together and once again jogged up the path toward the tree farm.

The man was still sitting there; he'd taken his coat off and had it draped over the rock beside him. His clothes were baggy but were in considerably better condition than his coat and boots were.

"You stuck in a rut?" was the man's gravelly greeting as she jogged near him for a third time.

She laughed quietly. "Just playing messenger for a bit."

She heard him chuckling behind her as she kept going; it didn't take long to let Dawa know Selene would be along in a bit and then she continued on out to the facility. Down there it was easy to lose track of time and before she knew it it was early evening - far later than she'd actually intended to be down here...she REALLY needed to recreate a damn Hi-Def or, bare minimum, get a pocket watch or something.

At the very least the tourist man wasn't still sitting on his rock when she went by there again; she did spot him sitting at the nearest booth in the Round Table though, and offered him a nod when she thought he was looking her way. He didn't respond but that wasn't a big deal - at least no one could claim she wasn't friendly to strangers.

"Eli!"

She paused, halfway to a stool at the counter, and turned when she heard Arlo. He looked to be in better spirits and was waving her over to the table where he, Remington, Asher, and Petra were sitting together.

As she headed over Arlo slid to the side to make room for her on the end of the couch next to him and Petra shifted around to the other side; in the few seconds it took to cross the room and sit down Sonia had come over to the table for her order. Remington, Petra, and Asher all had half-finished drinks in front of them.

"Did you find that sensor thing you were looking for?" Asher asked as she sat down.

"Nope," she answered. "Granted, I didn't spend too much time looking for it though. Started in on tearing down the aux unit and making a list of what needs replacing. We're going to need an amp converter for sure but I'm fairly confident we can manage to make it work."

"That's good news," Petra said. "We already have the wind generator blueprints and have several up near South Block that are working just fine. If you can give us an idea of the power output that's needed we can see if we need to alter those blueprints."

"I'm still working on that. The main hitch is deciding what numbers to use and how to get them - we won't be using the same amount of power that the facility did in its hey day but I also don't know of any other number to use just yet. I might have to ask Stewart to set aside a week and just run everything from lights to toasters down there to see what consumption level it can even hit, then add some zeroes to account for potential future increases and then see what I get."

Petra nodded. "That makes sense. I just hope the wind coming down from the bluffs would be enough."

"Well, if its not sufficient then my backup plan was water turbines instead. There's that waterfall that's not too far away...biggest hurdle then would be waterproofing all the equipment."

At that Petra rubbed at her chin. "Water turbines and waterproofing... It might work so long as we can avoid altering Portia's water quality."

"Shouldn't be any different from the motorized boats I see out in the harbor with the exception that there won't be any fuel runoff in the equation," Eli replied. "That ought to make it pretty clean."

Further discussion was interrupted as Sonia and Django brought out all of their orders together and they got to eating; when they finished Petra and Asher excused themselves, paid, and headed out. As Remington ordered a second lemonade Eli subtly leaned toward Arlo.

"Did she come find you?" It was barely above a whisper, and neither Sonia nor Remington seemed to have heard it.

Arlo nodded. "She did. We worked it out. Still friends." His voice was equally as quiet.

Eli straightened and flashed him a brief smile - she didn't need details; she was just glad Nora had followed through and Eli wouldn't have to have that conversation in her stead.

"So..." Arlo said then, voice loud and clear. "I hear I missed learning what a burpee is."

--------------------------------------

The three of them ended up sitting and chatting for quite awhile, then moved on to the back room for a couple games of darts (Remington won every single game). As they'd stood and headed back Eli again nodded to the old man in the booth and this time got a half wave and smile in response. When they came out of the game room later the man was still there nursing a single coffee. He offered them a quiet good evening and was digging in his coat pocket for gols as they were filing out through the door.

"Any plans for tomorrow?" Arlo asked, as they stood together just beyond the edge of the extended patio roof outside of the Round Table.

"Sleeping, hopefully," Remington chuckled.

Eli shrugged. "Not really. I was thinking of seeing if Selene had a rod and reel I can borrow. I'm determined to see a live frog fish for myself - it's still so hard to wrap my head around the idea of bizarre animal hybrids."

"You should talk to Qiwa - I'm sure he'd be happy to tell you all about the native fish in this region," Remington said. "He's the one who usually wears purple, if that helps."

She considered that a moment, then nodded; on her To Do list was checking with the local school to see if they had books they could lend her on wildlife, geography, and cultures of the current time period but she kept forgetting about it until it was too late in the evening to catch anyone there. "Probably a good idea. I need to start making time to learn about the world as it is, instead of focusing on telling everyone on how it was." She paused for a breath then looked to Arlo. "If you'd like to make up for today I'll have time tomorrow."

"Sounds good. In the morning, as usual?"

"Works for me. See you tomorrow," she said, smiling and heading off.

The lights were still on in Selene's factory - had she ever gone to talk to Dawa? Eli hoped so. Inside the house it was quiet; Eli took a quick bath and tiptoed into her room wrapped in just a towel. Her pajamas were not on the edge of her bed though, which where she swore she'd left them this morning. Maybe she'd overshot the edge when she'd tossed them there? As she came around to the other side of the bed to check she saw a strange pink lump partially sticking out from under the bedskirt, and under it was a single pajama pantleg.

She reached out with one bare foot, grabbed the pantleg fabric with her toes, and pulled; sliding out from under the bed came the biggest, roundest, pinkest cat she'd ever seen. It was lounging on top of her pajamas and seemed not at all disturbed by the fact it had been dragged out of its little hiding spot.

"...excuse me, who are you and also I need those." Eli had to let the towel flap open as she bent down to roll the rather sausage-shaped cat off her clothing; when she had retrieved the pajamas she dropped the towel over the animal and heard a rather confused "mrrp" noise from under it.

Selene hadn't mentioned that she owned a cat, much less a neon pink one.

The world was a very weird place nowadays.

#Lost in Time #lit #Lost in Time - ch 12 #Arlo #Dawa #Remington #Sam #Petra #Nora #Lee #My Time at Portia

5 notes · View notes

theropoda · 4 years

Note

3, 4, 6-8, 11, 13-17, 19-22, 26-30 uwu

WOO LAD THAT’S A LOT THANK U!!! this got long and i wrote an essay or two LOL so im putting it under a readmore!

3: Best game you’ve ever played? WEEEELLLL.......let me preface this with two things: one, i am a FAKE GAMER as in my laptop is not at all made for gaming, it’s piss poor, so a big chunk of games i’m interested in is because i watched a playthrough of them lol. i have a 3ds but only 3 games on it (animal crossing new leaf, tomodachi life, nintedogs & cats). second, i’m very bad at choosing favorites of things.....BUUUUT .....i choooooose, in no particular order, OFF, pigeonetics, elder scrolls oblivion, pathologic classic HD!! i’m more than likely forgetting a few though, so sorry about that

4: Worst game you’ve ever played? as i said above, cannot choose favorites, neither can i choose whatever the opposite of favorites is but...uhh, does lif even count as a game? like lif, the stupid little furry flash game i remember playing on some shady website. it was surprisingly very active with a BUNCH of people there but i kept dying like every 5 seconds....AWFUL

6: A game that’s changed you the most? WELL define Changed.....ummm aha first thing that comes to mind is OFF. it’s one of those things where you never knew you wanted something so fucking bad until you saw it--and it’s like that for me. i NEVER knew i loved that odd, surreal, colorful, “looks playful and simple in some parts but incredibly violent and unnerving in other parts” aesthetic til i played it. like aesthetically i love that game to BITS and something about it just stuck with me til the end of time.

later in life (meaning, past year or so) it changed me because it taught me a lesson about storytelling and creative endeavors. a very useful lesson. which is: things don’t really need to have a meaning. stories, art, music, writing, whatnot, while it CAN be deep and meaningful, while you CAN use it as a way to communicate with the world about all kinds of heartfelt things, it can also be...nothing, really.

once i, as usual, got ridiculously overwhelmingly sad about small things. specifically seeing other people around me come up with all kinds of deep and meaningful characters and stories, sometimes putting them into webcomics or writings of theirs, and they were all so well-thought out and detailed and what i envied most was people put a lot of themselves and their experiences into them, venting and coping through them, whilst also making these larger-than-life grandiose complex stories and worlds and so on and so forth.

it made me look at my own ideas and get mad/frustrated at how shallow they were. but then i remembered OFF and i felt better because Fun Fact, mortis ghost has a now-abandoned dA account and if you go through the comment section on his profile, he answers a lot of fan questions and he mentions several times that the game didn’t really have a “meaning”, it didn’t really have a “deeper story” or moral or anything, really. i’m paraphrasing this but i vividly remember him saying “i wanted to make a game, so i did”.

that made me feel a lot better because it made me realise that sometimes art--especially stories, in my case-- doesn’t NEED to be DEEP or have MEANING...sometimes it can just BE!!!! sometimes it really can just be all about AESTHETICS like who GIVES a shit if there’s a hidden meaning if you take the first letter of all of your characters’ names and put them backwards, sometimes all that matters is if they just VIBE with you y’know....

yume nikki is similar in this regard bc that game doesn’t have any story other than “collect egg” and yet it’s so impactful. that game doesn’t have a story or meaning it just IS........ :) GOD THATS SO LONG IM SORRY ABOUT THAT but yeah. funny violent ghostbusting baseball man is a game that changed me :)

7: A game you’ll never forget? OFF AGAIN LOL,,, it’s just so memorable because of how unique it is. visuals, soundtrack, story, everything is so memorable. unforgettable. oh god you can tell how much i love this damn game can’t you

8: Best soundtrack? yakuza 0, OFF, there is a picture (another game by mortis ghost, again composed by alias conrad coldwood who also composed OFF), pigeonetics (the entire soundtrack of which is here), jojo’s bizarre adventure all star battle and eyes of heaven, silent hill 2 & 3, undertale....probably forgetting more but all of these...earcandy

11: Hardest game you’ve played? i am a shitty gamer so this is Most games i’ve played lol!! but uhh..well you see. hardest game i remember playing as of recent is pathologic classic hd in which it’s...not only hard to understand what any character is saying at any given time lol but also, i don’t think it’s HARD it’s just...you need to focus. you REALLY need to fucking focus and pay attention in this game. so i wouldn’t say its HARD, but i’m only putting this here bc it’s in recent memory.

i say recent memory because the true answer is susceptible to “yeah, but now you’re older, it must not be so hard.” as in if i played it now i think i’d have a way easier time. but when i was around....10-12 years old i had several ps3 video game adaptations of animated movies and i had SUCH a fucking hard time with them. g-force, bolt and up in particular were fucking HARD. like genuinely, the hardest time i had EVER had in my live playing video games is tied to these three fucking games. g-force and bolt ESPECIALLY. one particular level in bolt took both me AND my sister around a year to fucking finish.

again, i was baby, so i bet i’d have a much easier time with them now that i’m 17. but for now, in my experience, bolt and g-force for the ps3 were harder than pathologic classic. i think icepick lodge should take a few notes for them for pathologic 2.

13: A game you were the most excited for when it wasn’t released yet? STREETS OF KAMUROCHO...i spent the entire day of its release anticipating its launch lol

14: A game you think would be cool if it had voice acting? hmm..most games i like and know about do have voice acting so i dunno....i guess it would’ve been kind of cool if morrowind had like, full proper voice acting. but i can understand why it only voice acted things like greetings and battle insults because GOD that game is SO...complicated...and as a result, the conversations are so lengthy and text-full. playing morrowind is really like a goddamn book! if it was voice acted i’m sure all that information would have to be shortened bc i know no one is going to fucking voice act two whole paragraphs

15: Which two games do you think would make an awesome crossover? pigeonetics and yakuza in which instead of being about the criminal underworld it’s about shady and unethical pigeon clubs, breeding, racing, etc etc...a lot of illegal shit does happen in the world of pigeons especially when it comes to racing; prized racers have been kidnapped and held for ransom before. and then there’s Avian Cucking: The Sport, where people breed the sexiest pigeons (horseman thief pouters), release them outside to seduce other people’s sexy pigeons, and bring them back and keep ‘em, drama ensues. will kiryu ever escape his past as a professional pigeon-napper, and find solace in his new life as a pigeon hobbyist? find out now by playing YACOOZA......

JOKES ASIDES i don’t know i really don’t....umm, pigeonetics and animal crossing somehow?? :O... like, instead of managing your own town it’s managing your own loft!...orrrr, the jojo games (all star battle & eyes of heaven) with yakuza, because i think they’re somewhat similar because they’re both haha Wacky Silly AND serious over the top fighty-fighting.....or maybe a crossover with OFF and discover my body, which, despite being an incredibly short and obscure indie game i still love to bits for what it’s worth. WAIT ANIMAL CROSSING AND MINECRAFT THAT WOULD FUCK SO HARD OH MY GOD

16: Character you’ve hated most? From what game? i can’t think of any character i like, HATE...with a burning passion.. there are a few i dislike or have a complicated relationship with though.. i’m not interested in the series anymore but ouma from drv3...i’ll admit that he is a bit fun sometimes, especially in the very early beginning he’s a likeable brat but as the game progresses he becomes more irritating than anything and i have an issue with him in regards to writing, despite the fact that i have never been awake in any english class ever lol. it’s too long to put in this already long post but i’ll keep it at that. if you like him, well, good for you for finding joy in something i couldn’t! but he just doesn’t do it for me.

AH I JUST REMEMBERED....MINE......FROM YAKUZA 3....maybe i’d change my mind if i watched a playthrough of y3 again, because i think you always absorb something better on your second watch (tho i honestly Dont have the energy to do that all over again, the yakuza games are too fucking long), but i really hate his writing. spoilers for y3 but, i think mine’s writing, alongside other things in the game, were super messy...and a big part of why i hate him is that not only is he one of those “could’ve had great potential but fell flat” sorta guys but also his love for daigo is seen as some fans as good gay rep and i?????/.............um....WELL let’s just say that, i think people nowadays will see any gay character ever in any circumstance and say it’s good gay rep just based off the fact that A Gay Character exists....he was Not, good gay rep imo....he was not, let alone, Good. .........

17: What game do you never tell people you play? can’t think of any games i wouldn’t tell people i play.. idk exactly what this question’s asking. does it mean what game you don’t tell ppl you play bc you’re embarrassed about it...? i’m not very embarrassed by any of them. the only thing that comes close, i guess, is uhh lioden and wolvden. i’ve only interacted with those communities a LITTLE TINY WEE BIT, yet of what i’ve seen it’s a goddamn dumpster fire and i’d never want to be associated with them lol

19: Which game do you think deserves a revival? i’m well aware it’ll never happen and that it’s more a wet dream than anything but...PT/silent hills..... on a more realistic/”could happen” note, PIGEONETICS!!!! SERIOUSLY, it’s an amazing game about amazing animals and it teaches genetics in a very simplified and efficient way!! genetics is SO hard for me to understand, i fucking hated studying it but this game really helped me understand how it works AND its super engaging and interesting!! HOWEVER, of all the pigeon genes we know of, only a handful were seen in pigeonetics and i’d LOVE a sequel that employs new game mechanics AND new genes!! i wanna learn about bronze and stencil genes! i wanna learn about phenotypes like grizzled and pied!!! genes like sooty and dirty!!! @ UNIVERSITY OF UTAH GENETICS DEPARTMENT PLEASE IM BEGIGNG YOU

20: What was the first video game you ever played? earliest memories of Gaming involves me at my aunt’s house playing two games: super mario brothers and some kind of trapeze game. i don’t remember anything else though

21: How old were you when you first played a video game? i can’t remember but i must’ve been REAL tiny.... 6-9 years, maybe??

22: If you could immerse yourself in any game for one day, which game would it be? What would you do? immerse myself meaning go into their world...? huh....on one hand i’d like to go in the world of yakuza 0 to play in the arcades and do whore related activities but i’d also love to go into the world of animal crossing (and i’m pretty sure i’d be some sort of generic dromaeosaurid in that game!!) and shop, chat with villagers, do chores for them, go fishing, bug hunting, eat delicious fucking food like the apples mangos peaches cherries etc etc.....OH AND FOSSIL HUNTING THAT’S THE BEST PART!! though it would definetly be a little weird, to be a little dinosaur and finding a fossil of a...little dinosaur....i guess the non-sentient species went extinct and the dinosaur i am is some kind of, descendant of a sapient non-avian dinosaur that survived the k-pg extinction event...oh but who cares all i want is a cool little ambulocetus fossil or something. and some cherry pie :)

26: Handheld or console? my old ps3 just went kaput one day years ago so i haven’t used it in years so i can’t compare well... but i’d say handheld, because it lets me like DO stuff more...would love to get a console one day, a ps4 maybe but i’m kinda worried it’ll make me stay in one room all day wasting away my time when there’s other stuff i can do, y’know? but something handheld like my 3ds, on the other hand...i can do stuff with it. i can take it to my room and play it between breaks i take as i clean the room and fold my clothes, i can watch something on the tv and play the game during ad breaks, i can take it outside too if it has charge to last me a while! so....handheld i guess

27: Has there ever been a moment that has made you cry? yakuza 0 and undertale in particular have ALMOST made me fucking bawl with many of its moments....yakuza 0 especially, after that Fucking Ending i had trouble sleeping because oh my fucking god. video game people SAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

28: Which character’s clothes do you wish you owned the most?

29: Which is more important, gameplay or story? HMMM....well, if i were to play a game with a shitty story but really good and fun gameplay i’d probably continue playing it for the gameplay. but if i played a game with shitty gameplay but an interesting story, there is a chance i’d play it more for the sake of the story but also i might just quite and see the rest of the story on youtube or something. i’m more likely to go through a boring story for fun gameplay than go through boring gameplay for an interesting story, so i guess gameplay is more important to me....that is, WHEN i actually own and play a game as opposed to when i just watch someone play a game because i don’t own the game but wanna know abt the story lol

30: A game that hasn’t been localized in your country that you think should be localized? i have no idea how video game localization really works....but i assume localizing a game in india would mean something like, removing content according to cultural norm and also somehow translating it into the 22 official languages..? or just two or three language if it’s tied to a particular state, which seems way more doable. i honestly have no idea? i’ve never interacted w the indian gaming community that much to be honest, all i know of it is of the video games i’ve seen sold in some game stores and a few whispers about like solid snake or whoever from my school’s cafeteria....the most popular games here, to my knowledge, are those very streamable games like fortnite and PUBG and your call of duties and whatnot. those generic shooters. and even then, that honestly isn’t the “indian” gaming community bc this country is so FUCKHUGE, it’s just tamil nadu. one state.

soooo, according to what little i know of gaming interests in where i live, i don’t think any of the games i like should be localized here bc i don’t really think there’s an audience for it as far as i can tell :( maybe animal crossing? it’s a fun little games for all ages and i think it has a chance of becoming popular here, so maybe that is worth a shot! but i can’t think of any other game that i like that really has an audience here (other than Me lol)

#asks #stommevrouw #THANK U EVIE THIS WAS SO FUNNNNNNN #WOOF haha this made me tired #im probably hitting the bed now! thank u!!

2 notes · View notes

nuevorealidad · 6 years

Text

The Art of Being Unfuckwithable

“Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.” ~Mark Twain

(Warning: Expletives ahead. If you’re a fragile snowflake afraid of a little harsh (yet healing) vocabulary, turn away. Move onto the next article. No hard feelings… If not, start with this video about the efficacy of the word “Fuck.”)

Here’s the thing: There are too many fucks given to stupid petty shit, and not enough given to amazing and magical shit. That’s a problem. We’ve all suffered from this problem to some extent. It usually happens when the category-five shitstorm of our lives takes us for a spin and we lose sight of what really matters.

Magical shit is what really matters, despite how dangerous or risky it may be. Life is too short to squander it on stupid shit, no matter how safe or comfortable that stupid shit may be.

Unfortunately, what’s magical shit and what’s not varies slightly from person to person. We all have a different psychophysiological reaction to any given stimuli, however minute. “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” and whatnot. Which is why the best place to start learning how to save your fucks for magical shit is with yourself…

1.) Focus on your own shit: “When you are truly genuine, there will invariably be people who do not accept you. And in that case, you must be your own badass self, without apology.” ~ Katie Goodman

In the crashing plane of an unhealthy culture, a healthy person places the oxygen mask on themselves first.

Oxygen is life, literally. Metaphorically, oxygen represents health. And becoming healthy is the fastest way to get to the point to where you can distinguish magical shit from stupid shit. You must be capable of this distinction before you can decide where all your fucks will go. Let alone become unfuckwithable.

Unfortunately, in an unhealthy culture, we are usually taught (conditioned/brainwashed/propagandized) to give our fucks to stupid petty shit. But that is precisely why the “plane” is crashing. And that is also why we are needing to put the oxygen mask on ourselves first. We must focus on our own shit before we have a go at other people’s shit. Otherwise, there will just be shit everywhere. Once we get our own shit in order, we might earn the right to help others with their shit.

2.) Stop accepting shit you hate: “Sometimes your knight in shining armor is just a retard in tin foil.” ~Unknown

The healthier you become, the more you realize what you hate. Or, at least, the more you become aware of that which is unhealthy. Stupid petty shit tends to be unhealthy. Amazing magical shit tends to be healthy. It really is that simple. Of course, there is always moderation to consider, which is a cornerstone of health of course, but, barring anything too extreme, amazing magical shit is almost always healthy.

But somewhere between the authoritarian platitudes of “because I told you to,” and “it’s just the way things are, deal with it,” we lost sight of this simplicity. As a result, we are left drowning in unhealthy shit that we’re somehow just supposed to accept because that’s the way things are.

Well, fuck that!

You can take that dull-witted, brainwashed, pantomimed, puppet-stringed shit and shove it back where the sun doesn’t shine. We’re not having it. The sweet oxygen of health that we learned by focusing on our own shit has us wide awake and aware to those pithy diatribes of ill-reason and ill-health. In other words: that shit won’t fly anymore. We’re onto what’s healthy and what’s not healthy. From now on, we’re choosing health by embracing what we love over accepting what we hate.

3.) Chuck it in the fuck it bucket and move on: “The secret of reaping the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment from life is to live dangerously.” ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

There’s a reason why people have mid-life crises. There’s a reason why people make bucket lists. There’s a reason why people say, “spend your money on experiences rather than things.” I won’t get into those reasons, because that would make this article about something else. I only point it out to showcase the importance of taking the next step…

Sometimes you’ve just got to shrug your shoulders, grit your teeth, laugh at your past, stare into the void of your future, take the Bull of the Present by the horns, and say fuck it! Get busy living, or get busy dying.

All that stupid petty shit piling up around you in the steaming shit-heap of an unhealthy culture? Chuck it in the fuck it bucket and move on. All the congealed rage and dead patterns of a profoundly sick society? Chuck it in the fuck it bucket and move on. All the livingry turned weaponry at the expense of both human and environmental health? Chuck it in the fuck it bucket and move on.

But, and here’s the rub, learn from it. Own up to your personal responsibilities regarding it. Reconcile with your shadows entanglement with the shit-show of it all. Embrace the fact that your ignorance and your codependence led to the reeking pile of shit that is (was) your wasted life. But then chuck it in the fuck it bucket and move on to something healthier. Something less hateful and sick. Something less weaponized and hyper-violent. Something less shadowy and more brotherly. Even better, transform your shadow into your brother. Then the both of you together, as empowered allies, can seek out all the magical shit worth giving your fucks to.

4.) Breathe in strength, breathe out bullshit: “Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.” ~Lily Tomlin

Now, it’s time for a little meditation and solitude. You’ve focused on your own shit enough to make sense of it. You’ve figured out the shit you hate. You’ve moved on from the stupid pettiness of it all. Now it’s time to focus on breathing. It’s time to listen to the deep silence of your heart. This video about an “honest” meditation will help.

Breathe in strength, breathe out bullshit. Breathe in health, breathe out ill-health. Breathe in reason, breathe out ill-reason. Breathe in empathy, breathe out apathy. Breathe in love, breathe out hate. Breathe in giving a fuck about magic shit, breathe out giving a fuck about petty shit.

Keep breathing. Keep meditating. Keep listening to your heart. The heart is more than pulse and rhythm. It speaks a language older than words. Tune into it. Feel it. Through and through. Balls to bones. Ovaries to marrow. Then say fuck it! And have a good laugh. Because the cosmic joke is ever-looming, and you will always be the punchline. –Oh, fucking, well!

5.) It’s all bullshit, but knowing it sets you free: “Attitude is the difference between ordeal and adventure.” ~ Karl Frei

The difference between someone who “knows” the path and someone who walks the path, is a good sense of humor. Enlightenment is more about the humorous journey than it is about some rigidly defined “answer” or destination. That’s why the person who understands that it’s all bullshit is more likely to be enlightened than the one who believes that their own bullshit is true.

It’s all about attitude. It’s all about disposition. It’s all about asking better questions and less about seeking better answers. Time goes by. Eventually enough time goes by and makes what you thought you knew obsolete. Then where are you? Well, it depends on your attitude. If you were rigidly and dogmatically clinging to a particular basket, then you’d probably be crushed under the heavy blow that your worldview has suddenly become invalid (or maybe your cognitive dissonance is so strong that it keeps you mired in ignorance).

But if you had an open-minded, flexible, and humorous disposition regarding your “answers” then there would have never been any basket serious enough or worthy enough to hold all your “eggs” in the first place, and so you would not be so devastated. You’d be more likely to just shrug your shoulders, have a good laugh at yourself, and move on with your new knowledge in tow. Indeed. You’d be more likely to embrace the wise words of Aristotle, “It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.”

6.) Fuck Namaste, embrace Kidmaste: “The difference between a good life and a bad life is how well you walk through the fire.” ~Carl Jung

The secret is this: you are not thrown into the fire; you are the fire. Few people understand this. Most people don’t have the wherewithal to be fire. Because they are too damn busy being moths.

When I say, “fuck Namaste,” I don’t mean fuck the sentiment of the expression. Not at all. The sentiment is a beautiful thing. No, I mean fuck the pretense of it. I mean fuck the fancy all-too-serious fakery of it. I mean strip the spiritual ego and show us your vulnerable truth. Only then will the god within me be able to see/honor the god within you.

That’s why I say embrace Kidmaste: the kid within me honors the kid within you. We’re all just a kid from somewhere. In the grand scheme of things, we live relatively short lives. Really, we’re not that far removed from that little kid we once were. The mask is that we’ve “grown up.”

Adults are just kids that forgot how not to take themselves too seriously. An adult who is in touch with their inner child is more flexibly robust and able to handle the vicissitudes of life than an adult who is not. Indeed. There is more maturity in a spoonful of humble, humorous, playful, child-like vulnerability than in an oceanful of indifferent, serious, rigid, “adult-like” invulnerability. As Dr. Seuss said, “Adults are just obsolete children.”

7.) Be unfuckwithable: “In order to truly be unfuckwithable, you need to lose your need to seek validation or love from others and to judge them when you perceive that they are not giving you what you need.” ~ Vishen Lakhiani

Unfuckwithable (adj.): When you are truly at peace and in touch with yourself, and nothing anyone says or does bothers you, and no negativity or drama can touch you. ~Urban Dictionary

The secret of unfuckwithability is giving genuine heartfelt fucks to a worthy cause. That’s where the magic is. It can’t be pointed at. It can only be sought after. It cannot be taught. It can only be felt. If that’s too cryptic for you, try this: Nobody but you can discover the magic that’s unique to you.

When you’re able to find the sweet spot intersection between the things you love to do –and when you’re able to be fully present in that sacred space– you become invincible. Not in an invulnerable way, mind you. But in an absolutely vulnerable way. The kind of vulnerability that Millman’s Peaceful Warrior teaches. The kind of vulnerability found in deep Flow States. The kind of vulnerability found in mindfulness meditation. The kind of vulnerability found in authentic laughter and sincere humor. The kind of vulnerability found in saying fuck it! Life is too short to allow stupid petty shit to bring me down.

You have freed yourself up for greater and greater freedom. Now you are free to always win, because even when you “lose” you gain knowledge. Even through your mistakes, you become wise. Having left your cage behind, you have willingly walked through the open door of your own shit-filled prison cell. You now have the physical, mental, and spiritual audacity to rattle the cages of others and to reveal to them as Rumi revealed to us all: “Why do you stay in prison when the door is wide open?” Indeed. Why do you give a fuck about petty bullshit when you could give a fuck about magical bullshit instead?

Seven Signs You May Be Unfuckwithable By Gary Z McGee 307

“When you are truly genuine, there will invariably be people who do not accept you. And in that case, you must be your own badass self, without apology.” ~ Katie Goodman

What does it mean to be unfuckwithable? It means being, becoming, and overcoming the pinnacle of yourself, in the moment, despite self-doubt or the doubt of others.

It means full engagement with being, becoming, and overcoming the best possible version of yourself. It’s walkinga unfuck1 into a room, fiercely radiating, doing as Rumi advised, “Wherever you stand, be the soul of that place.” Because you simply cannot be fucked with when you’re the soul of a place.

Being unfuckwithable is the absolute realization that expectation and attachment are poison, because it is precisely expectation and attachment that makes one fuckwithable. In order to be unfuckwithable, expectation and attachment must be let go of.

Being unfuckiwthable is having confident vulnerability in the face of a world playing at being invulnerable. It’s absolute uncertainty and unconditional love in the face of rigid certainty and conditional love. It’s the utter subsuming of finite gameplay through infinite gameplay.

Here are seven specific signs that you may be unfuckwithable. 1.) You realize you are worthy: “We are all unique medicine.” ~ Angeles Arrien

Self-gratitude becomes you. You are armed with self-actualized fortitude. You often ask yourself: does my calling choose me or do I choose my calling. You take both options into deep consideration, while understanding that either way you are the only version of you to have ever existed.

Your self-worth makes you unfuckwithable precisely because of an equal parts unique-as-your-own-fingerprint soul-signature radiation and a cosmic interconnectedness to all things resonation.

Do others think you’re worthy? It matters little. Your self-worth is a blitzkrieg that obliterates other people’s doubts and insecurities regarding you. In fact, your self-worth is so robust that it is able to alchemize the negative energy vomited up from others and then transform it into positive reinforcement and personal motivation. Your unfuckwithability is multi-edged.

You are able to cut the good from the bad, and even sharpen each into being more capable of shaving the superfluous from the other.

2.) You focus on what you can control and let go of what you cannot: “In order to truly be unfuckwithable, you need to lose your need to seek validation or love from others and to judge them when you perceive that they are not giving you what you need.” ~ Vishen Lakhiani, The Code of the Extraordinary Mind

You can’t control how other people act, but you can control how you act. And you act with full acceptance of other people’s freedom. Should their freedom not give you what you think you need, you don’t whine or complain about it, but live and love by healthy example.

Maybe they will understand the example, or maybe not. That’s their problem, not yours. It only becomes your problem when you are attached to a particular behavioral outcome from them and expect them to act a certain way. But there is no certainty in the affairs of others. And that’s okay.

For you realize that it is precisely within this uncertain mystery where all romance and adventure lies dormant and waiting to flourish.

3.) You use fear itself to live fearlessly: “It’s only when we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything.” ~ Tyler Durden

When you’re unfuckwithable, fear is mere fuel. What scares you compels you, for you understand that the comfort zone will not stretch itself. So you are proactive about stretching it. You could lose everything or gain everything, but the disposition remains the same: “Attitude is the difference between ordeal and adventure.” ~ Karl Frei

If, as Carl Jung wrote, “The difference between a good life and a bad life is how well you walk through the fire,” then you are the fire, transforming fear into fuel and fuel into courage which becomes a mighty fire that spreads sparks over the kindling of the human condition. You are unfuckwithable because you are both prepared to burn yourself and capable of burning others. Either way, the ashes make for fecund compost within which to grow a healthier future.

4.) You do not seek validation, but pursue self-love instead: “One must be willing to stand alone – in the unknown, with no reference to authority or the past or any of one’s conditioning. One must stand where no one has stood before in complete nakedness, innocence, and humility.” ~ Adyashanti

You love yourself like your life depends upon it. Because it does. It doesn’t matter if everybody loves you or if everybody hates you. What matters is that you love yourself, and self-love begins with healthy living in mind, body, and soul.

This type of love is a mighty beacon. Nothing shines brighter in dark times or darker in blinding light than self-love radiating out from a healthy individual. Such insurgent love burns holes straight through hatred and gets down to the vulnerable guts of the insecurity of the human condition, revealing that hate is really nothing more than armored love, anxious and fearful of being vulnerable.

You are unfuckwithable because hatred and adoration alike slide off you like water off a ducks back. Haters gonna hate, lovers gonna love, but what matters in the end is how well you love yourself, so that you are capable of loving others and being Love itself. In the crashing plane of our unhealthy culture, you are the oxygen mask.

5.) You practice radical forgiveness: “Therefore, dark past, I’m about to do it. I’m about to forgive you for everything.” ~ Mary Oliver

You know how to “be the duck!” Stress, fear, anxiety? All water off your being-the-duck’s back. What does it mean to “be the duck”? It means being fully present. It means the depressions of the past and the anxieties of the future are “parted waters” from your confident, in-the-moment, in-flow, flexible stance against an inflexible world. It means being a fulcrum of radical self-forgiveness.

The past is the past. The future is the future. Right now is all you have to be, become, and overcome the best possible version of yourself. And the best method for doing precisely that is radical forgiveness.

The kind of forgiveness that absorbs wrongdoing and rightdoing and transforms it into Being in Love, in the moment, full-frontal with absolute oneness with all things. You are unfuckwithable because you realize, as Lily Tomlin did, that “forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.” And maybe even for a better future.

6.) You aren’t afraid of rattling a few cages: “The secret of reaping the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment from life is to live dangerously.” ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Rules? If they are valid, healthy and in accordance with the greater interconnected cosmos, then you work with them. If not, you brazenly break them. The same thing goes for laws. Man-made laws especially are meant to be broken. For you understand that mankind is exceedingly fallible and incessantly prone to making mistakes. So you choose to live a courage-based lifestyle as opposed to a comfort-based lifestyle. This way you are less likely to become rigid, complacent, or stagnant yourself, and more likely to reveal the rigidity, complacency and stagnation within others.

Like Yoda advised, you have “trained yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.” And so you are free to always win, because even when you “lose” you gain knowledge. Even through your mistakes, you become wise. For you have freed yourself up for greater and greater freedom. Having left your cage behind you, having willingly walked through the open door of your own prison cell, you now have the physical, mental, and spiritual audacity to rattle the cages of others and to reveal to them as Rumi revealed to us all: “Why do you stay in prison when the door is wide open?”

7.) You’re a badass Buddha as opposed to merely a bystander Buddha: “Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.” ~ Anais Nin

You have the wherewithal to create a dent in the universe. You are compelled by your vision. Having forsaken the petty notion of “finding a career,” or “becoming enlightened,” you have found your true calling: to persistently, audaciously, and lovingly self-overcome all current states, no matter how stagnant or overflowing they may seem.

The inner drive from your calling propels you proactively forward, in the moment. You’ve leveled up from finite-player to infinite-player, operating on a whole new playing field.

Your unfuckwithable spiritual fortitude is all-encompassing, interdependently flexing out like a cosmic muscle. Where others whine and complain about being in the world, you rise and transcend by being the world. Through what Ken Wilber calls “world-centric consciousness,” you intuitively connect with all of life without forsaking your own power to be a spiritual badass.

In fact, the more you connect with all things the sharper your badassery becomes. Your passion is your edge. Your ability to self-overcome is your sharpening stone. Your sword is sharp and infinite-edged, so there is no settled state, there is no limited sharpness.

There is only the infinite Now to sharpen your finite health against. And your unfuckwithable spirit is up for the task. Buddha is dead. God is dead. The path is littered with insufferable egos. Even your own ego has an enlightened sword penetrating through its self-righteous heart, and your soul is all the stronger for it.

2 notes · View notes