#like im making my dorm and school supplies a certain aesthetic as a way to force myself to be cleaner

[sanyu-thewitch05]

No one:

Me: *The intense urge to buy things you know you don’t need but want to buy because you feel like crap for some reason and it makes you feel better and pretty*

Me: I’m going to save this, and when it goes on sale I’ll buy it.

[earthlyem]

i just recently finished up my freshman year of college at art school and so now seems like as good a time as any to talk about my experience and feelings about it and maybe lend a hand of advice if you are going into college this year, especially at an art school. because i feel like there is so much important stuff to cover im going to break into up into different parts of the process starting with…

moving

moving out was a big deal for me. growing up i never had a huge urge to move far away from home, i loved where i grew up and i loved the people…but  every college that ever peaked my interest was out of state. and as early as i could process the idea of a further education i would spit out colleges i’d hope to attend every night at the dinner table. and while a young child rambling about dreams of studying in paris to be a fashion designer while eating dinosaur shaped nuggets is easy for a parent to laugh at and then file into the back of their mind, a junior in high school taking college classes for drawing and animation talking about wanting to go to an art school is a little less easy to brush off. so after getting lots love and support from my family, friends, and teachers, and the financial aid of scholarships, I ended up deciding to attend an art school several states away to study visual effects and stop motion animation.

sooner than i could have ever anticipated the time came to move out. i loved this place, it shaped everything that i was, but after some unfortunate events throughout my high school experience i began to associate my beloved home with guilt and sadness. at this point, i was incredibly thankful i had chosen to move far away. with no one from my high school attending, and it being a good 15 hour drive away from my hometown, it felt like the perfect time to start over. be someone new, someone i always strived to be. the problem with that is we can’t run from our past. something i learned all to quickly at my new school. the physical move was easy, i flew down with a couple of suitcases and purchased all my dorm and school supplies the day before I moved in, which while rather stressful, ended up working out. i went in blind, so i was terrified of meeting my roommates. i would be living with three random girls, and with us all being here to pursue careers in art, i couldn’t help but be intimidated. im sure everyone who has, or will attend an art school feels the pressure. we’re used to being of the best, if not the best in our respective fields throughout our whole lives. and piling in a ton of talented people, where now you’re unsure of where you fall is petrifying. but alas there is really no need to fear. art school is about work ethic, not talent. Its about creativity and willingness to be free, experiment, express, the performance aspect is whats taught to you. if you love what you do, your professors will be able to channel that energy and turn your art into something polished and professional. seriously, i’ve seen people come from shaky sketch outlines, to fully rendered detailed pieces over the course of the year with the right ambition. but non the less i was still scared. in hindsight i had no reason to fear, my roommate was an absolute angel and really helped me through the turbulence of my first quarter, and made the craziness of roommate drama tolerable.

the first few weeks i had expected to be this big social clusterfuck and as a social person I was really excited to meet new people. unfortunately the reality was being holdup in the dorm, seeing others hanging out with people they met over the internet, and feeling entirely alone. i felt like there were very defined cliques established in the first week and i didn’t make the cut for any of them. packs of friends, all easy to see as they were almost perfectly divided by aesthetics, would go eat at the cafe together, smoke outside the dorms, go to parties, skateboard around the buildings, go to the parks and beaches….suddenly i didn’t think the social label assigned to me in high school seemed to fit so well. thats the scariest part of moving away, you are stripped of everything you once were to anyone but yourself. all the ways you were defined by the people you grew up with are gone in the eyes of every new person you meet. its intimidating, but it can be the most beautiful thing if you let it be..this is when it really hit me that when moving anywhere, even if its with a few people you do know, you’re given this huge slate to lay down exactly who you want to be, change the way the world sees you… but thats a big task…a lot bigger than i thought. and its hard, its hard to be this great big wonderful  person you feel like you are in your head when you don’t accept and embrace what brought you to that point. that guilt and anger and sadness and embarrassment was burned into me. i didn’t get to just throw it out the airplane window on my way down. it took me nearly the entire first quarter to sort through those memories, those events that ate away at me and altered my path of existence. because its not that the people i went to school with weren’t accepting people, many of us felt out of place at sometime in our life, and with that comes an deep empathy and care for others. i felt like i just couldn’t seem to put myself out there enough, or cross paths with the right people. it was towards the end that i looked up and saw the world i was building around me without even noticing. i had two wonderful roommates who listened to me and danced with me and ate with me and went to class with me, who held me up through all of it. I had amazing neighbors…just seriously the coolest people in the world. They helped me understand so much about myself and always had their door open so I didn’t have to feel alone. no one was isolating me but myself. and those cliques i mentioned, were just people, people like me who felt alone and scared, or were facing their own problems with moving and by labeling them i put up a wall, and excuse not to talk to certain people because i was insecure that i wouldn’t be artsy enough, or nerdy enough, or edgy enough… and i know that sounds cringy but i know so many people who felt exactly the same. with creative minds, comes creative ways of self expression and i guess the take away im trying to get at is that people are so much more than the aesthetic they have or the way they present on their instagram, something I think all of get lost in sometimes. my point is, moving is going to be scary for most, and even if you think you’re this huge mess that’s wearing all their feelings about the process on your sleeve… i bet no one even notices, because they are so far in their own heads feeling the exact same way. take a step back, say hi to the group of kids kicking around a soccer ball outside your building, or ask the people you sit next to in studio to grab lunch at the cafeteria, it seems scary because it looks like they already have groups and their all set they don’t need another, or your afraid it will be awkward… and well it will be. but life goes on, and a couple hard awkward minutes is worth not isolating yourself, or beating yourself up in your head for not being cool enough to fit in somewhere. you aren’t giving so many wonderful people enough credit when your write them off as though they won’t give you the time of day and it took a lot of learning and practice for me to understand that. you can hear advice, and agree with it, and even tell yourself you’ll implement it… but until you make your own mistakes and have your own trails with life advice doesn’t make as much sense, but heck idk maybe it can help.. i know i needed to hear this.  

so attached are some pictures of my dorm room and some stuff from my first quarter :) relax, don’t fear your move, or do either way it’ll end up just fine, and if its not fine, you’ll find the strength to move on from it