#honestly I think my brain is starting to process the stress of moving to my college campus in a weird way

[sanyu-thewitch05]

No one:

Me: *The intense urge to buy things you know you don’t need but want to buy because you feel like crap for some reason and it makes you feel better and pretty*

Me: I’m going to save this, and when it goes on sale I’ll buy it.

[desertfangs]

Since you write a lot do you have tips for people who want to write more?

Hi, anon! I can sure try and tell you some of what works for me!

Ignore advice that you don’t find helpful (that includes these tips!)

Writing is a process, but your writing process is always going to be unique to you, so if something doesn’t work for you, trying to implement it is only going to make you miserable. Like some people will tell you to write every day, but sometimes the pressure of that is going to be too much. Basically anything that doesn’t work for you, chuck it in the bin. You don’t need it.

Put your word processor in full screen

I write in Scrivener, which has a “composition mode” but you can also just put your document on full screen to minimize distractions. That way it’s harder to flip over to check Discord or Tumblr or whatever. Of course, I still exit out of full screen every time I need to look something up in the thesaurus and then I end up spending 15 minutes screwing around on the internet so you know, it's not a perfect system.

Work on several things at once and don’t be afraid to step away if a story isn’t working

Granted, my writing method is like throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks, so I tend to start a lot of stuff that fizzles out after a few paragraphs (or a few thousand words 😭😭) and I know juggling multiple things does not work for everyone.

I personally usually need at least 2 current WIPs, so I can switch to the second when I get stuck on the first. This means even while I’m ruminating on one fic, I’m writing another. But I have friends who literally can’t write on more than one project at a time or their brains will explode, so again, it’s just about what works best for you.

[BRACKETS]

If you’re stuck on something like a detail or a fact you need to look up or a piece of dialogue (“How the fuck would Lestat respond to THAT?” is my constant refrain, my cats are tired of hearing it), just put something in brackets like [Lestat replies with something flirty or witty] or [Fact check if X] or whatever it is, and then you can move on and keep going and not lose your momentum.

Set a Timer

If you're struggling to make yourself focus and write, set a timer for 10, 15, 25 minutes (whatever increment of time works for you!) and write until it goes off. You can keep going after if you're on a roll, or your can stop for a while, but it will get you into the mindset of writing. And even if that's all you do that day, hey, you wrote for 10 minutes!

Kill your need for perfection and that critic in your brain

I am still working on this but it’s true! You can make your WIP more perfect in editing. The old adage that you can’t fix a blank page is correct. And honestly, a lot of times I will write something and think ‘ugh this is no good’ and then go back and read it weeks later and really dig it. Or I figure out what it needs to make it better. (Or sometimes it still sucks and we just pretend it never happened.) But no one else has to see your first drafts! So don’t stress about making the first draft super good or agonize too much over word choice. Just get words on the page and worry about making it better later.

I hope you find some of that helpful, Anon!

[dracoflaco]

Waiting for you // Chris Sturniolo

Chris Sturniolo x fem!reader

contains: fluff, stressed out reader, use of y/n, flashbacks (in italics), 1.2k words

a/n: its been so long since I write so if it looks cranky, don’t blame me. Idk honestly 🤷🏻‍♀️ (no summary cuz I'm lazy lol)

I reach for the box under my bed, it has been covered in dust meaning it has been down there since forever. Bumping my head in the process of taking the box, I let out a wince, “ouch, this damn bed. I’m throwing you away one day I swear,” I muttered, rolling my eyes. I wipe the dust away to see the hidden words under those dust. ‘Love’ was written on the lid of the box, “I don’t remember having this before” furrowing my eyebrows, trying to remember anything. 

The song from my playlist continues to play, starting a sad tune. I turn to where I place my phone, confused as to why there’s some kind of sad song and to be precise Taylor Swift? I shrug it away and stares at the box in front of me, I’ve been cleaning my room since this afternoon and without noticing the time, the sun has started to set. Plopping on my bed, I take the lid off. My smiles starts disappearing just how he did…

~

I laugh at him when he starts cracking some jokes out of nowhere. We’ve been walking for 30 minutes after our date night. Both us close to each other, my purse in his hand. “Also Nick face was literally covered in it, we had to make a TikTok,” Chris laughed, swinging my hand with his softly.

~

“Happy Birthday my pretty girl. I’m sorry I had to! It was the plan, baby,” he winked, handing me the flower lego to me “my love will last just how this flower last” I laughed at his cheesy pickup lines, rolling my eyes playfully “I really thought you forgot about it, Chris. You better don’t do this again” I squint my eyes at him. “We’ll see princess, we’ll see.” He said, shrugging his shoulder making the ‘who knows’ face. I slap his arm playfully, he eventually starts laughing and bringing me closer into his arms, “I love you, y/n. Even the world can’t describe it” 

~

“This is so good, baby. Cook more often please please please” he begged, chewing the food I made for him. Chris stands up from his seat and walks towards me “Thank you, baby” He hugs me from behind and lift me off from the floor to twirl me. I laugh lightly “Chrisss, put me down” I whine playfully and he set me back on the floor, giving my face all the kiss it needed.

~

A solemn tear fell down my cheek, snapping me out of it. I blink my eyes a few times to stop it but the tears keep flowing down my face like a river escaping a dam. I try wiping it away as the door of my room creaks open, someone just came into my room. Luckily my back was facing the door, giving me times to prepare myself and turns around once I think I’m presentable enough. Nick stood there at my door frame, concerns could be seen on his face, “Nick? Hey, what are you doing here? Should’ve tell me before barging into my room,” I chuckled, eyes avoiding his

“You’ve been crying.” Nick stated, heading towards where I’m seated. One look of the things in my hands, he knew it straightaway. “Missing him? Everyday I passed his room, I could hear him sobbing his heart out. He still loves you, you know? Let him in again?” He suggests, rubbing my shoulder softly. Bringing me closer to his side, laying my head on his shoulder. I stare at the necklace which happened to be in the box, being on the top of the other.

“How? How, Nick? He was the one who ended it, I got no time to stop him from doing so!” I cry out, burying my face in his shoulder. My whole body is shaking from the amount of tears and sobs coming out of me. “Yet you still cry about it, y/n. It’s been what? Almost a year and you two still mourn for each other. I never believe you when you said you moved on from him. It was and still is in your eyes.” Nick whispered into my ears, his hand never stops rubbing my shoulder. 

“It hurts Nick, I still want him but God knows how my brain despise him when he said those words to me but my heart says the opposite” I sobbed, pouring my heart out. Nick only nods and comfort me softly, whispering sweetness to me till I slowly calm down from all the loud sob, non stopping flows of tears. My fingers taking the necklace from the box and turn it around. An engrave of ‘I love you - c.s’. I let my thumb stays on the engraving.

Minutes of staring it, I unclasp the hook and place it around my neck. Nick only observe my movement, saying absolutely nothing. I sigh lowly, resting the necklace on my collarbone. Sounds of a phone ringing starts to play, Nick take his phone out of the pocket of his trousers. The caller ID shows that it was Chris. I nod towards the phone, telling Nick to answer the phone call.

His thumb lingers on the decline button but finally pressing the green button, “Chris? Why’d you call?” He ask, talking to the phone. I shift away from Nick to give them both some privacy. I search for my phone only to be met with the battery logo. Grabbing the charger on the bedside table and plugging it in. “I’ll give you two some times but don’t ask again after this. You better not missed anything or even mess this up again, or I’m killing you myself.” The call comes to an end.

I walk back to my bed and peers at his phone, “what happened?” I asked, picking up the box from the bed and move it into my closet. “Nothing, Chris just asked about the juice from yesterday.” Oh. I nodded out of disappointment and settle down beside him. “Whatever happen, just let it flow naturally. Do not push it away. You better hear me out this time, y/n.” He said, looking into my eyes with seriousness. 

My brow furrows softly, confusion starts to spread on my face, “okay? Anyway why did you come here all of a sudden?”

“You weren’t answering the text I gave you and all my calls went straight to the voicemail. You expect me not to panic knowing you” He said, crossing his arms. “Anyway I’m gonna go buy some takeout with Matt, you want the usual?” 

“The usual I guess?” I shrugged, “up to you though, I don’t mind” 

Nick wave at me and left me alone in my room with my clouded thoughts. Sighing, I rose to my feet and drag myself to the bathroom to wash my face. My eyes are a bit red and puffy after the crying session and all. The sound of my door bell rings all over my house, I dry my face quickly. Rushing down the stairs to open the door. Time seeming to slow down, feeling as if I can hear my own heartbeat. There he stood, My Chris or what used to be. The tears in my eyes threatening to fall, “Chris…” I whispered-

-to be continued-

[alexiswritingstuff]

Not just a man.

Pairing: Hiromi Higuruma x gn! reader

Warnings: none?

Summary: during one of the initial meetings in the culling game, Y/n decides to spark up a conversation with the mysterious man in the black suit.

Other mentions: like one thing about Itadori.

A/n: okay, I'm honestly not too confident about this one but if I leave it any longer it is just going to rot in my drafts, so here is my first fic with Higuruma! This is spoiler free, and even though it is based on the culling games, there might be points in this fic that don't accurately depict the situation in the manga. I have read it multiple times but my brain is something else, man. Also, be aware that there could be mischaracterisation, or general moments that would seem OOC for Higuruma. As much as I love him, this is my first fic with him so it will probably take time to nail down his characters, especially because the only thing that I can base it off is content from the manga. Either way, and despite the possible downsides, I hope you enjoy reading!

Finding a definition to encapsulate the past few days since the event had started was... difficult to say the least. While that may be because there wasn't a singular word to describe it, the options were unlimited.

Before anything had the chance to process, it was right onto the next thing. Another problem. Another fight, both physically and verbally.

It was the sort of cycle that may have already been usual in your kind of world, as there was no point in resting when curses were about, yet somehow it almost felt faster. Instead of potentially running into some form of beast, it was now an expectation instead.

Initially, you would think that was the most unnerving part, wouldn’t you?

Though, as you sat in a vast room with more people you had known in your life, it seemed that thought was more wrong than you could have known.

At some point during the game, a bunch of sorcerers were rounded up. You, somehow, just ended up being wound into it at some point. I mean, you may barely grasp the meaning of the culling game, but there were enough clues to fill it in.

There were only a few reasons why people like yourselves would gather in this way.

Something big was going down.

The room itself had become quieter over time. Most of the people within had left one after the other. Either having personal things to attend to, further discussions, or just trying to grab a breath of fresh air before even more stress.

You, however, had made yourself comfortable in one of the randomly placed seats. Or at least tried to.

In all honesty, your body was almost rigid. A lack of a want to move as the urge to fidget continuously antagonised each limb. It made it more tricky to maintain that hard exterior everyone else seemed to be able to keep up with ease. 

The whole sorcery thing wasn't exactly new to you. Your ability wasn't something you discovered young, like many others. It had given you enough time to learn about it. Grow it. Though being surrounded by other people who also had some form of ability was new.

Yeah, considering the fact that you had previously only met about a handful, it was most definitely new.

But you had to admit that it was very interesting to see the different kinds of sorcerers there were.

No matter how apparent, there was an active difference in mindsets, attitudes, personalities, and the general looks of these people. Most of what they could do even contrasted with it.

They had their own stories, their own abilities, and their own worlds. It was like the more you looked around, there was an increased possibility in becoming intrigued by something different.

And eventually, it landed on one thing in particular.

One person.

To your left was this man. He was sitting in his respective chair almost as if he were one with it, his hand simply resting against a table that separated the two of you, while his eyes gazed forward without a specific focus.

There wasn't exactly anything obscure about him. There was nothing on the surface that made him stick out from the rest; in fact, he was probably the most generic-looking person here.

He was just a man in a mere black suit and matching tie, though there was something that made it increasingly difficult for your eyes to stray.

And apparently keeping your mouth shut too.

“It's Higuruma, isn't it?”

It seemed to take a few seconds for the sound to register in his ears. Or, more so, the fact that it was directed at him if the words weren't enough. So a moment passed, he blinked, and eventually his head began to turn in your direction.

It was a lazy movement, one that soon revealed his other hand to be resting against his chin while the hook of a finger pressed into the space beneath his bottom lip. If he had glasses on, his eyes would be peering right over them, startled yet tired enough that they could barely be seen.

The man before you hummed, a deep sound that grumbled within his throat until his lips had finally decided to part. “I don't believe we've met before.”

His voice was pretty much what you were expecting it to be: lacking interest, flat, and a tad accusatory.

It was paired with this furrowed eyebrow, which created a light look of confusion, either simply because of the sudden conversation or the fact that it was with someone he hadn't paid much attention to beforehand.

To others, it may have made them uneasy. Filled them with a regret just for opening their mouth in the first place. But not for you. In fact, it had you finally settling into your seat.

“No, actually, I overheard that, uh, Itadori kid talking about your previous... interaction,” you explained, trying to use a new tone in hopes of loosening him up and making it clear that you were just wanting to talk. However, there was barely even a reaction.

A muscle in his face had slightly twitched in response to the phrasing, but otherwise he was still. He just stared back at you with those blank eyes.

He looked to be thinking, which helped relieve some of the tension, though in reality, it didn’t seem like he was one for conversing. At least not right now, anyway, and it should’ve made you turn away. It should’ve shut your mouth and made you go find somewhere else to bother. I mean, you had learned quite a few names by now. 

But the more you looked back at the so-called Higuruma, the more questions began to pile high up inside your brain. And it was only a matter of time before one would decide it was right to spill through your lips.

“Okay, look, I'm sorry, but I really need to.” You huffed out a breath, letting your feet fully plant against the ground as your torso twisted towards the man for proper delivery. “Can I ask you a question?”

There was a speck of hesitance that appeared within his gaze once it focused back on you, but nevertheless, “Go ahead." He relented, his tone enough of a warning that this was either going to continue or finish this conversation all together.

“Did you really take a bath with your clothes on?”

When the question settled for a moment, Higuruma leaned back a little, allowing a full view of you into his vision before he challenged, “Is it that unbelievable?”

“Well... I can't say that I've thought of doing it myself.”

“Exactly,” he stated without missing a beat, and it stilled your body. Your lips stayed apart for a moment, attempting to find the right words while he continued to stare into your soul. “So you just woke up one day and decided to bathe fully clothed?”

You blinked at him. He blinked right back. “Pretty much.”

Within the next few seconds, you found yourself sort of mirroring the way he sat. Like all the care you had on keeping up some form of appearance just went right out of the window.

And though a string of words failed to encompass your reaction to his experiment, it seemed that whatever expression was on your face was enough to entice a further explanation.

“Not to disappoint,” Higuruma had begun through a slight strain, somehow sinking even further into the chair until the back of his head was planted against the top rail. “But truthfully, I was only trying to do something I normally wouldn't.”

“That's all.”

Never in your life have you been more curious about a singular man. He hadn't done anything crazy; I mean, at some point, you must have had that same thought. So what the hell was it? Why was there an urge to keep this conversation going?

“And… how did that feel?” 

At this point, Higuruma's eyes had fallen closed, getting tired of staring up at the same boring ceiling, and basked in the growing silence from the fewer sorcerers. “Damp... though I must say it was better than I thought it would be.”

The only response you could think of was this barely audible hum. It was the easiest conclusion, seeing as it would acknowledge the comment while buying you time to figure out what exactly to say next. But it was rather challenging.

This whole scenario was just strange to you—something you probably couldn't even dream up if you tried. Yet here you were in the real world, having the most entertaining conversation with a man who you most likely wouldn't get the chance to if it weren't for the fact that both of you were sorcerers.

“You know, I didn't think I was going to get along with a lawyer.” you spoke up after a moment of silence, and Higuruma sucked air into his nose. His head lolled to the side, a movement fulfilled with somehow less energy than before. “That obvious?” he questioned, which in turn had you raising your eyebrows.

“What—that you're a lawyer?” you attempted to clarify, properly meeting his heavy gaze just in time to see his short nod. “You're the only one in here dressed in a full fancy suit; it was either that or you were a member of the men in black.”

It wasn’t entirely visible, but you swore the next time you blinked that the corner of his mouth that you could see sort of quirked upward. It wasn't a full smile; it had barely even created that little crevice, though it got accentuated by a huff that slightly shook his body. 

And then it faded: “Are you going to ask about my abilities too, then?”

“No, no, I got the jist,” you waved off initially, noting the way the question drained all the expressiveness from his face. “Honestly, I was more interested in the bath thing anyway, but now that you mention it, it must've taken you a while to master a thing like that.”

Higuruma hummed again, his gaze becoming unfocused once again as he started to search through his recollections. “I believe... It's been about twelve days.”

If it weren't for the statement itself, the nonchalant delivery would have also caused your eyes to widen in the way that they did. “What?” Your body turned as much as it could until your knee knocked into the crooked coffee table. The man before you remained unfazed.

“Twelve days—forget being a sorcerer; you're a damn magician, Higuruma!” you insisted, trying so hard to keep your voice at a minimum level while he lazily began to push himself to sit up straight. “Is it really that impressive?”

Your eyebrows were completely furrowed this time, your gaze narrowing on the man in disbelief. “There are some people who get their abilities at birth, and they can still not have them under control no matter what age they reach.”

“But that would also depend on the effort they put into doing so in the first place, if any,” Higuruma countered without missing a beat, though the conviction layering his voice faltered when he continued, “I… just got that chance of getting something that wasn't much different from my usual job.”

“Still, you managed to understand it—in what, a little more than a week? And it’s already at the point that you can just fully use it?” you reminded him almost at the same speed that he had, “I mean, even for a lawyer, that's got to be at least notable.”

The rest of his face may have been void of any emotions, but those eyebrows weren’t fooling anyone. His mind was moving. What wasn’t apparent, however, was in which direction it was doing so.

Higuruma may have been new to the world of sorcery, but this wasn’t something he thought was part of it.

Your genuineness, your curiosity, that look on your face—that was anything but the disgust he had seen in his own eyes. For once, he was face-to-face with something he couldn't solve right off the bat.

“How long did it take you?” He finally spoke up after a moment, and it seemed that both of you were equally unsure if the change of subject was due to it being uncomfortable or if he was now the one to be genuinely curious.

Now it was your turn to lean back a little. “Truthfully,” you started, averting your gaze for pretty much the first time since this entire interaction had begun. “I don't think mine is story-worthy, to be honest.”

Higurumas brow twitched upward. “How come?”

“Well,” You took in a breath, “not everyone has eventful lives. It’s as simple as that, really. In a world with a multitude of different abilities, there is bound to be a plethora of expectations and disappointments.” you stated with a light shrug, “Besides, I'm kinda tired of the whole 'introducing people's abilities before themselves'.”

“Isn’t that a little contradictory?” he inquired, and the defensiveness beat your urge to laugh. “What? No-- You were the one who willingly confirmed what you could do. I was only asking about–”

“The bath thing,” Higuruma affirmed before you could. “Yeah, yeah, I remember.” The look he gave you was one that had a grin fighting to take over your lips. It may have been filled with some annoyance, further concluded by a slight shake of his head. But it wasn’t the bad kind.

“Listen,” you began, trying to regain that seriousness so that you could get back to your point, even if it faltered. “All I’m saying is that we have every other day to discuss our abilities, man, but right now we have the chance to just... sit and talk about anything but that.”

That feeling of defensiveness was back, no matter its battle with amusement. And this time it was on a level that had you crossing your arms over your chest, as if it would do anything. “Then what do you have in mind?” Higuruma questioned, simply watching you complete your movement.

Your lips parted immediately for some reason. It was like your mind had pre-prepared some form of comeback as it got ready to let the words roll off your tongue… but they barely even formed into a sound. It was more like a slight croak, in all honesty. You paused. 

“... I didn't think that far."

For the first time in the minutes that you had known this man, the corners of his mouth had finally, and visibly, curled. 

He looked at you, his smile begging to grow further and further, to the point that he started biting it down. 

It was sort of unusual to see. Most of the time you looked at him, he had this blankness that latched to his face in a way that made it almost look embedded into the skin. There wasn’t really any difference in expression; it was more the movement of muscles. 

Yet now, whatever he was showing had almost reached his eyes, and it sat very nicely.

“What?” you half breathed out, a sort of nervous laugh breaking through your lips despite most of your face being screwed up in confusion. Higuruma waved a hand lazily and said, “Nothing. It's nothing; you're just…”

“It's all just been a little interesting,” he finally confessed, and though you were sure of its meaning, the phrasing put a crack in your amusement. “In a good way or a bad way?” you quizzed with a lighter tone, settling back into the chair, which never actually relieved the tension from your spine.

Higuruma shook his head once more before his gaze shifted to find your own. That previous spike of enjoyment seemed to use up the last bit of energy he had for the day as his face slowly reverted back to its usual state.

“It's good now, I think…” he started, dragging out the ending word, and it wasn’t until he lowered his chin that you realised he was gesturing in your direction. He was asking for your name. You hadn’t told him your name?

“Oh… Oh, just call me, L/n.” you informed quickly, trying to hide the confusion that had made itself known once more while the man before you simply nodded. “L/n,” he repeated quietly before continuing in a fuller voice. “Well, I hope your first impression of me wasn’t as bad as it sounds in my head,”

The slight grimace dusting over his face had you huffing out a laugh in seconds. “Oh, I don’t think you’ll need to worry about that any time soon, Higuruma,” you insisted, letting that smile take its rightful place on your lips to further prove it. 

And though it took a moment of looking at each other, he finally had a reason to do it too.

“Not at all.”

[noaltbruh]

So uhm- I accidentally pressed "post" when I was just starting to work on it :,)

Link to main event

But here we go ^^

🍨 Are they more chill about their relationship or a bit more possessive towards their S/O?

Fugo doesn't mean to be possessive, but he is. He will try his absolute best not to show it, but I do believe that he has quite some troubles trusting others, which leads to him wanting to keep you for himself as much as he can once he finally starts to rely on you.

He will never get in the way of you hanging out with someone else or such, but he has an hard time hiding his feelings and it'll result pretty clear that he's a bit worried about you spending so much time with someone else.

He will absolutely apologize if the subject were to come up and promise to try and not be overbearing, he knows that his personal problems are not an excuse for this behavior. Although that doesn't change the fact that he's also very protective of you and will try to keep you away from anyone that seems...Suspicious to him.

~~~~~~

Mista is the embodiment of chill, my friend. Honestly, he takes relationships as something simple, something that "just happen", you know? I'm not saying he doesn't care or value what the two of you have, he just doesn't feel the need to be your shadow and prefers to leave you some space.

I can actually see him also becoming friend with your own pals like it's no bit deal. He's a very likable person and really likes big hangouts with lots of people. On top of this, he'd never get jealous of you spending time with someone of the gang. They're his family, they wouldn't try anything funny with you.

Honestly, the only time I can imagine Mista getting a bit more possessive towards you, is if he's just come back from a long ass mission and has been missing you a lot. In that case, he will be a bit more clingy or needy than usual, but I think that's pretty normal.

~~~~~~

I think Giorno would be one of the most possessive characters of all and, kind of on a side note, almost to the point of turning yandere for you. His past, while he may not admit it, has scarred him a lot and led him to develop incredibly sever abandonment issues. He cannot afford to lose you.

He knows that being with him brings a lot of risks and dangers, which means that he will do anything it takes to shield you from anything or anyone that may remotely have ill intentions. He will make an attempt not to let his paranoia get in the way of any other relationships you may have, just remember to give him attention quite often too.

He's also rather quick to get jealous of other people, but being the refined and manipulative young boy he is, it will be hard to tell what he's feeling of thinking. You'll never be able to fully understand if he's being jealous of not.

🤰How would they react to finding out their S/O is pregnant?

Time to go buy the milk again

No but seriously, it'll take him a moment before what you just said actually hits his brain and he's able to process it. He will look quite...Er, panicked at first, asking you multiple times if it's certain that you are or not. It may lead you to believe that he's not exactly happy about this news, but trust me, he is. He's just...Worried.

When he notices your disappointment over his reaction, he will immediately stop with all the questions and will just...Hold you close to him, perhaps even crying a little. He's incredibly happy to be able to become a father, but he's unsure if he's going to be a good one or not.

Either way, he tries his hardest not to let his agitation bring you down and will take care of you and your baby the best he can during your entire pregnancy. He basically won't let you move and will take care of all the housework. When I say all, I mean it. He knows that carrying a living being in your body must be hard and wants to help you in any way possible.

Please reassure him from time to time that he doesn't need to stress himself out so much, or he may eventually explode.

~~~~~

Mista will try to play it cool, obviously telling you how happy he is about it, but he doesn't like to be too sentimental or cry. With that being said, he will hug you so so tightly, with the biggest grin on his face, that you may have to tell him to let loose a little or the baby might get hurt.

He will 100% lean down on the level of your stomach and start telling lame dad jokes to the baby, knowing that they can't laugh but still hoping for them to. And, despite the fact that he's trying to hold back the tears, you might notice his eyes getting a little wet. Of course, if you try to say anything about it, he'll deny it all.

I have a feeling that Mista is actually pretty good at cooking but is too lazy to put actual effort in a meal most of the time. However, during your pregnancy, he'll put sloth aside and satisfy any weird desire you may have. You want roast chicken with tomato salad at 3 am.? Dude's gonna walk up to the kitchen and immediately get to work, no messing around.

~~~~~~~

While Giorno always had a strong desire to protect children and young people, I can't help but think that the perspective of having his own kid would not exactly...Hype him up at first. He doesn't have many good "family experience" and thinks that he would inevitably put his baby in danger just for being his ffather

But once he meets and falls in love with you, the perspective of creating a family, with all the uncertainties and fears that come with it, doesn't...Sound so bad anymore. And he gets the proof of it when, for one of the very few times in his life, he feels warm tears running on his cheeks as soon as he hears your announcement.

He can't stop smiling, he can't stop kissing you, he can't stop caressing your lower tummy watching over it with loved-filled eyes. Bringing a new life to existence together...Already sounds so beautiful to him.

Giorno will not let a single thing go wrong during your pregnancy. He wants you to be as comfortable as humanly possible, he will personally make sure only the best doctors visit you during your quarantine, and he will spoil you and your future child more than you could ever imagine. He'll cherish them forever.

[hxhhasmysoul]

"JJK really went from a loved manga to a mid-to-bad story with insufferable fans 🙏 may more of us hate it in the future. It snatches the spotlight from genuinely good shows and its another case of "general shonen fan will call any trash 'goat' if the fight is well animated".

I used to be a fan, until the start of the culling game. And after this controversial, inconsistent and inhumane adaptation of shibuya, im glad that I have no interest in both manga and show anymore.."

Thoughts on that statement? Do you think culling game really that hard to understand, cause I saw quite a lot start dislike JJK since that arc....?

If I had seen this in the wild I would've blocked the account that produced it. I block for very liberally and while I will block for obvious bigotry and shitty harassment behaviour, so like serious reasons,I will also block for general annoyance. Fandom is my hobby and I don't want it to be annoying and stress me out through unleashing my adhd and flood my brain with thoughts. And this qualifies as annoying.

But since you brought this to me I will actually explain why I find these kind of posts annoying and not worth engaging with.

While I would've blocked it before I got to the second paragraph on the "may more of us hate it in the future" alone, I will actually start analysing it from the second paragraph where op pretends to give an explanation for this turn in attitude towards JJK they experienced.

Reason 1:

"I used to be a fan, until the start of the culling game."

Op invokes the Culling Game arc as if it's an obvious reason to dislike JJK and hence your question at the end of the ask. And I will get to that but I need to set the stage first.

Reason 2:

"And after this controversial, inconsistent and inhumane adaptation of shibuya,(...)"

(Side note, I find it genuinely dodgy that Shibuya, an actual rl geographical location is not capitalised when the abbreviation of the manga's title is.)

What is controversial, inconsistent and inhumane about the adaptation of the Shibuya arc? The working conditions at Mappa are inhumane indeed, but it's an industry wide problem and with how JJK is a beloved title the animators actually could do a strike with a chance of the company making concessions. I don't think there would've been the same amount of fan support and pressure for animators of smaller titles. And the way the anime is produced isn't really the reason why JJK as a story should be hated because the story isn't responsible for industry exploitation that has been happening since long before JJK was even conceived by its author.

The word "controversial" honestly feels flippant when it's together with the far more appropriate "inhumane" and feels like it was added for the aesthetics of having 3 adjectives.

Now the word "inconsistent" actually makes me believe that the outrage in this sentence is not genuine and is typical posturing of "I'm critical of the media I consume so I'm a good person" crowd." This is the only adjective that actually describes the adaptation and not its creation process. And the inconsistency of the adaptation is in its animation quality. And that inconsistency stems from the inhumane working conditions. Pulling is out as a reason as to why op is "glad that I have no interest in both manga and show anymore." feels really callous and shows their hand, that they are upset that they can't consume the pretty moving pictures in peace anymore.

Huh...

"It snatches the spotlight from genuinely good shows and its another case of "general shonen fan will call any trash 'goat' if the fight is well animated"."

This is a typical example of trying to put on the guise of intellectualism through being against the popular thing. There's also this classist distinction between high art and pop culture with the idea that only a certain level of education and intelligence allows for interacting with high art thus it's only for the intellectual elite.

So there's a certain group of people who equates obscurity with quality because if they can claim liking things that others don't know about they feel like they are smarter than the rest. This way they can make an appeal to intellectualism even if they are not interacting with what would traditionally by the upper classes and social climbers be considered high art.

Popularity means that the unwashed masses like it and and the intellectuals will look down on them and their tastes, even if the intellectuals are leftists. The mob is defined by its stupidity and by liking primitive and simplistic things for vulgar reasons.

In this framing, the moment JJK became popular it lost any claim to quality. JJK is liked by the "general shounen" fans who only like pretty moving pictures. The shounen fan mob doesn't care about the "genuinely good shows" and because the mob is huge and loud those better shows suffer in obscurity. Of course no show gets specified by op because they are addressing this to those who are in the know - like those who are at their level will immediately conjure the image of those "genuinely good shows" and nod along.

And now we will circle back to the Culling Games arc. This arc feels like a HxH arc, especially Hakari and I love it. But not only for that. The arc is much slower than the previous ones and I actually hoped it would be a signal that the story will slow down like this, take more of its time to follow one or two characters and delve deeper into them. I love how that arc fleshes out the power system so much more. I hoped we would get more on the new and old characters, and we get it on same Yuuji, Megumi, Maki, Noritoshi, Hakari, Kahimo, Charles, Higuruma though not enough on Kirara, Uro, Remi, Ishigori or the Kyoto school characters or later on Hana and Angel, the time wasted on Yuuta could've been used much better. But alas then Gege cut the breaks and put their foot down on the acceleration pedal and it makes me sad.

The thing is that the Culling Games are disliked because of how slow they are and how much reading there is in them. You will read the chapters online and the comment section will be full of:

"wtf, i'm not reading that lol."

"what did i just read, i don't understand a thing"

"ugh, does anyone know what's even going on in this manga?"

So saying that JJK fans are "insufferable" "general shonen fans" who only like flashy animation and the bring up the Culling Games as a reason why JJK is bad, is very funny to me.

People also stop liking JJK at the Culling Games because the Shibuya arc removes or sidelines several favs of the western tumblr and twitter fandom. Sexyman Nanami gets killed, cute Inumaki gets sidelined, sexyman Gojou gets sealed, sexyman Chousou stays in the tomb with a woman and it's becoming very hard to be delusional that Kenjaku isn't a real important character of their own but actually sexyman Getou who will return soon.

There are many new characters introduced who aren't sexymen, apart from Higuruma and Kashimo (canonically Kashimo doesn't have a defined gender but when has that ever stopped the fandom).

And the western fandom does not like Yuuji and even among those who claim to like him there's a not insignificant subset that likes their head canon of him as a manic pixie dream himbo that they like as a background to their favs and not as someone the story concentrates on.

Basically the Culling Games are not fast and flashy enough, and the arc is really hard on those fans who were skipping dialogue when it delved into lore and power system in the previous arcs. Already Shibuya gets difficult at times if you didn't pay attention to the world building in the earlier chapters but with the Perfect Preparation and the Culling Games and anything after I imagine it must be a chore to read when all the concepts seem new but the plot and character arcs heavily rely on the previously established world building.

The truth is that if you delve into the fandom tags it quickly becomes perfectly clear how poorly the fans are acquainted with the text. How to many fans the characters exist mostly as their head canon versions and not as they are in the text. You will see fans complaining that the manga changed into something else from something they liked. But when you learn what they think the manga used to be it becomes apparent that they were ignoring huge portions of the text for one reason or another and just focused on the parts that interested them. That they blow out of proportion the significance of their favs and get disappointed when the story doesn't centre them.

It's okay not to want to follow a story when the character you liked dies or gets sidelined but that doesn't mean that the story is bad for it, that it's definite proof of bad writing or whatever. And it's not the story's fault that someone only liked one or two characters and didn't care about the rest, it happens.

And this is the crux of the issue. People who write opinion like the one above speak as if they represent some large group. The language of the post you cited suggests that there's some general consensus about the quality of JJK, about the Culling Games being the reason to dislike it. That the choice is exclusively between these two options:

thinking that JJK is "mid-to-bad" for some reasons that should be obvious to the reader

or being a part of the unwashed anime fan masses who like it only because of the animation.

You're either among the intellectuals who are in the know and also morally correct in their hatred for the story or you're an insufferable cretin.

People like the author of that post can't just dislike something, can't fathom that something can be not for them. For them it's not okay for something to exist in a neutral way and not be for them. Them not liking a thing means that there's something "objectively" wrong with the thing and the people who like it. And they can't fathom that a serialised story not going in the direction they like doesn't mean that it's "objectively" badly written. It's natural to feel disappointment when the story one used to like turns into something they don't enjoy anymore. But posts like this hint on the fact that the author believes that stories exist just to satisfy them personally and when it fails to do that it needs to be publicly denounced and anyone who dares to like it needs to be shamed and informed of their intellectual failures.

[ask-a-rare-person]

I have questions about agere as a person who wants to age regress.

one. How do you exactly like.. get into the brain or like mindset of a regressed child/toddler? I try to age regress whenever I feel very tired and exhausted from life but then I never seem to fit into the mindset. I don’t know if it’s the fact I was a more mature kid at a young age or maybe my Asperger’s but I just feel so exhausted and stressed and need an outlet or something to help relieve my mind and tiredness.

two. Is it normal if you feel odd or weirded out by the thought of using equipment or things that most people enjoy when regressed? Like I try to watch stuff like kid shows that help regress people easier, color, even try playing with kiddie toys. But I never seem to get regressed or even enjoy it if I tried to think like a child, instead feel like I’m making a fool of myself or just weirded out at the fact I’m doing it.

three. what is it like to be regressed, is it like spectating yourself acting and moving and living like a regressed child or is it some kind of spiritual kinda experience feeling? I just.. am very curious and want to know if I ever am able to regressed.

Of course! I’m glad you asked!

1.

I started doing it involentarily. And in public. So that really sucked, lol. I wasn’t even quite sure what was happening as I know very little about age regression but was quickly able to figure it out. I can’t explain how to get into it for the first time, as it just sort of happened for me. Some of my regression tirggers are thinking about past trauma, watching tv shows I used to watch or something I would have at the time, stuff like that.

The real benefit I get from age regression is trauma processing and making new “childhood” memories, both of which can be done without “true” age regression. You really don’t need to worry about doing it right or actually regressing. Just identify what you want from age regression and try to get it in any way possible. If you end up regressing, cool! If you don’t, what does it matter? I’d also recommend looking up age dreaming(basically pseudo regression without the headspace change) it would probably be a lot easier for you

2.

Right off the bat, I would say to take the idea of normalcy and throw it out the window. Just as general life advice, lol. Also, I felt that same way. It’s apart of our social programming to feel repulsed, ashamed, awkward, etc while doing something childish. What really matters is if you like it or not. Sometimes you’ll know that immediately, sometimes it’ll take some time. It’s possible you have a lot of built up baggage around acting childish, and that may need to be worked through before even having hope of regressing. Littles can be really…hide-y. Especially if your current headspace and ideas are inherently unwelcoming to them. Especially if your goal is *voluntary* regression. You probably will have to really be intensive about clearing out these insecurities before you can see a result like age regression.

3.

I would say it’s both at the same time. It’s something very beautiful and powerful, and it is apart of my religion as well. Not everyone in my community does it but it is considered spiritual because we are spiritual people who do things in spiritual ways. But honestly, I think even using spirtual in a non religious sense, yeah. It definitely is. I’d also compare it to a ratatouille experience.

Or maybe DID but instead of having different personalities, I just have different snap shots of myself living in my head. They come out when they want to and then I just sort of…observe. Once we were “co-fronting” (if I were to use system language bc tbh I don’t think singlet regressors have a word for this), I showed my little self soem of my drawings to see what they thought and they said “I’ve seen better.” So yeah, definitely something kid-me would have said and we were having a back and fourth conversation. This only happened once, though. This also involved a bit of….deep listening to even get an answer. Kinda meditative.

If you have anymore questions please let me know!!

[multiplicity-positivity]

Hi there! I hope you guys are doing well.

I've been a questioning system on and off for the past long while, and was just wondering - is it normal to feel like it's difficult to think about? Not in an anxiety or "I don't want to think about it" way, but in a "I want to think about it and understand better but it feels like there is a physical barrier in my brain preventing me from thinking about it too hard or reaching out to any potential headmates?" It's starting to get really frustrating.

It takes a lot of concentration and effort to be able to reach out, and when I am able to, I rarely get responses, and they're normally just one-word replies where it's almost hard to tell if I got a reply at all or if I'm just psyching myself out.

I was just wondering if y'all had any advice or thoughts? Is this normal? Does this mean anything? I don't know what to do, or if I'm actually a system at all (I have all of the symptoms of PDID but can't tell if it's actually PDID or just a compound of a bunch if other symptoms from other stuff) and I'm really lost. Any advice that any of y'all have would be monumentally helpful.

Also, I just wanted to say thank you for the amount of resources y'all have on this blog. I've found so many of them so helpful, so, just, thank all of you so much. I hope y'all have a wonderful day :)

Hi! The short answer to your question is yes, this is very normal, especially for systems with dissociative disorders or those who have dissociative barriers between headmates.

Our host also seriously struggled to establish and build contact and communication between us at first - and that’s even just with our established core fronting group! It took a lot of effort, patience, and work in therapy for us to reach the level of communication we have today. Even now, there are quite a few alters in our system who many of us do not have access to. At this point, we’ve learned to take things slow and try not to rush to bring down those barriers. We’re focusing on moving forward a little bit at a time, and that’s honestly been quite effective for us!

We’d encourage you, if you haven’t already, to start journalling, and encourage other potential parts, alters, or headmates to write in the journal as well. Even if you can’t get in touch with them, reminding yourself that the journal is for everyone and leaving it in an easily accessible place might allow your headmates to start expressing themselves and attempt to get to know each other even if y’all aren’t able to contact each other well inside just yet.

We also have this post on establishing contact with headmates - maybe it’ll be helpful for y’all?

Please don’t stress too much if no one writes in the journal or you don’t hear back from any headmates straight away. Again, this process takes plenty of time and patience! Honestly we’d say give it a few months of attempts before you start to grow discouraged. Also, having access to a qualified therapist who you trust can be immensely beneficial for getting through to headmates, especially at first!

And if it turns out you’re not actually a system, remember that’s okay!! That is totally fine. You mentioned PDID, which means you might have PTSD or C-PTSD, both of which often come with dissociation as a symptom or trauma response. So as long as you’re prioritizing your health and getting the help you need, to us, that’s definitely most important!

We’re wishing you the best of luck with figuring this out. Feel welcome to reach out to us again if you need any more help in the future! We’re not experts or professionals, but we’re more than happy to help with advice and resources to the best of our ability.

🌸 Margo and 🖋 Cecil

[apuckishwit]

Interlude: The Besties Conspire

A preview of chapter 28 of Rolled a 1 on the Check, Rolled a 20 on the Save on AO3

All told, living with Steve turns out to be one of the best decisions she and Vickie have ever made.

There are a few hiccups and minor squabbles of course. Going from living alone (or with just his significant other) to having three roommates is an adjustment for Steve. Despite knowing it’s a good idea that will benefit them tremendously in the long run, it is kind of a weird dynamic to be letting Steve pay the entirety of the rent and just pitch in for groceries and utilities. Logically, she knows he can well afford it and he’s doing it out of love and a desire to help pull her, Vickie, and Chrissy up into the place of financial stability his grandparents’ trust fund let him achieve…but it’s still kind of weird.

They work through it, and within a few weeks, it’s smooth sailing. Chrissy throws herself into interviewing for a teaching position in and around her hometown, with her student teaching coming to an end in another month. Robin and Vickie start talking about Vickie maybe quitting her job over the summer so she can apply for some of the internships her marketing professor talks about. It’s never been an option for them before, but it could really help Vickie land a good job when she graduates next year. Then she can support them while Robin finishes her linguistics degree. Steve starts classes and he and Chrissy often spend the evenings bent over his notes and books, going over things while he finds his stride in school again.

After about his second week of classes, it’s Chrissy who sits down with him and asks very nicely if he’s ever been tested for any learning disabilities. “You kind of remind me of some of my kids with ADD, but honestly, the way you describe things, you might just have a general processing delay. Your brain works just fine, it just takes a little longer to digest everything.”

“A few of my teachers wanted to have me tested over the years, but my parents never allowed it. I got by. I was thinking of going to student services and seeing what I’d have to do to get some kind of accommodations, but I got distracted getting registered and moving apartments and everything.”

“If you stop by the student services office and get the forms, I can help you fill them out and make an appointment for the testing. In the meantime, I really think it’d help you if you recorded your lectures instead of trying to take notes. That way, you can highlight the really important stuff as you go, and then come back for anything you missed later.”

Steve looks so stunned at the idea Robin has to laugh a little, even as her heart aches for the thought of her best friend struggling more than he had to, with parents who never cared enough about him to help.

Well fuck it, Steve’s got a whole new family now. One that absolutely will never leave him struggling by himself.

And it’s because he’s got a whole new family that will never leave him struggling, of which Robin is one of the chief parts if she does say so herself, that she and Vickie are determined to help him solve The Eddie Problem. All joking about emotional support lesbians and community bi laws aside, Steve’s her best friend. Her best friend who has made her and her girlfriend’s lives an order of magnitude less stressful, who she loves like a brother, and who she wants to see as deliriously happy with his partner as she is with hers (sue her—she’s happy and in love and she wants to spread that shit around like peanut butter on a slice of bread). And Steve seems pretty fixated on Eddie Munson, but utterly unconvinced that he has a shot.

Which is why she and Vickie are currently perched on the couch on either side of Steve, a huge plate of pulled pork loaded nachos (with the warmer weather, Steve’s cooking class has been doing barbecue lately, and it’s the best thing ever) balanced on Steve’s lap and his laptop set up on the coffee table in front of them. They’ve been watching recordings of this Eddie guy’s streams on and off for about a week now, a few hours at a time, and the number of times she and Vickie have exchanged loaded looks over Steve’s head is ludicrous.

A tilt of Vickie’s eyebrow as Eddie calls Steve some sappy pet name for the umpteenth time: Are you hearing this?

Robin presses her lips together and widens her eyes: He’s not being even remotely subtle.

Robin jerks her chin and shrugs a shoulder when Steve laughs a little too loudly at some joke Eddie’s just made: I can’t believe the dingus ever questioned if he was bi.

Vickie waggles her eyebrows: Right?

Robin sucks her cheeks in like a fish and rolls her eyes heavenward: They’ve got it so bad for each other, it’s making me physically ill.

Vickie smacks her lips and flutters her eyelashes: These nachos are incredible.

“Oh my God, they are!” Robin says out loud, prompting Steve to shoot her a confused look. Robin just ruffles his hair and stuffs another tortilla chip loaded down with pulled pork, barbecue sauce, melted cheese, red onions, and sour cream into her mouth. After a moment, Steve gets distracted by something on the stream, pausing it and rewinding it a few seconds only to listen to the same description of some guard tower in some town before letting out a triumphant hah!. He doesn’t elaborate though, and so Robin pays it no mind. She’s got bigger things to think about.

Like the fact that Eddie Munson has been heavily flirting with her best friend for literal months. Like, it’s not even “I want to get in your pants” flirting, they’re well into “I want to marry you and have your babies, shall we adopt or get a surrogate?” territory. But Steve…her dear, sweet dingus who is somehow simultaneously one of the most mature and emotionally intelligent people she knows and a completely oblivious idiot…will never believe her and Vickie if they tell him that.

She’s going to have to get creative.

She glances down into the chat window displayed at the bottom of Munson’s stream. She and Vickie both clocked the little tally game some of Munson’s regular viewers have going every time he and Steve do or say something that reveals how goddamn down bad they are for each other. And she’s also noticed that one of them in particular seems to be someone who knows Munson in real life, if the side comments he makes to the commenter on mic are anything to go by.

She looks over at her girlfriend and wrinkles her nose, slanting a look down at the chat window where Gare-Bear-Stare has just made another tally mark after Munson took actually kind of an absurdly long time describing Steve’s character’s muscles flexing as he helped heave one of the boys’ characters out of a river crossing: We should talk to this guy.

Vickie gives her a discreet thumbs-up: Absolutely.

Then she presses her hand to her bosom and swoons back against the couch: Seriously, this sauce is to die for.

“It is! I’d eat this on a floor tile!” Robin replies.

“What the hell are you two talking about?” Steve asks.

[apcthetics]

*˖ ⊹ ────────  lore dump.

this is just a little collection of explanations about where my characters currently are physically, emotionally, career-wise, etc. it's mainly for me to keep myself straight with my ideas and their development but uhhh also to make sense if i drop any of it in a post. that's all ! read or don't read at your discretion ! don't matter to me.

*˖ ⊹ ────────  alistair castillo.

i really don’t imagine his life changes much from day to day to be totally honest………. there is nothing new happening in his life he’s still just being a menace upon new york and giving people sick ass tattoos.

*˖ ⊹ ────────  brady ackerman.

he’s been wound up in a lot of different projects and probably running himself into overdraft; busy filming the next season of his show, and also alongside it trying to finish out a manuscript for the next book he’s supposed to be writing, all while flying all over the world in just a handful of weeks. hasn’t touched down in new york for more than a few days in the past 2 months but hey at least he’s successful right. right guys. right. haha. he's not tired at all. don't look at his dark circles for too long. 

*˖ ⊹ ────────  caleb williamson.

christmas is a pretty big time for his little side gig selling rare records online, so that picked up quite a bit even as his music lessons kind of trailed off as kids went off on winter holiday. it’s also just been rly quiet for him because obviously christmas didn’t go very well as family dinners never really go well at the willamson/michaelson house and then luvena has been either away or rotting in her room so there’s not really been much for him to do if levi and trinity arealso preoccupied (with each other? idk i dont god mod 👀. ) he did do a really successful new years eve show i think that he’s proud of but mainly it’s just been his little side hustle and now as lessons are picking back up.

*˖ ⊹ ────────  clementine bailey.

so clem is still in the process/paperwork of buying the diner, all the bank loans and everything like that but she is now effectively in charge of it which has definitely been ! a big deal ! her and loren moved into a new apartment and clem has yet to even unpack most of her boxes because she’s spending a lot of time at the diner going over all the financials and trying to teach herself how to handle the back end of a business instead of just the front half. it’s A Lot and she’s definitely Stressed and crying a lot and everyone has been getting 3am baked thumb print cookies, but don't even worry about her !

*˖ ⊹ ────────  damien clarke.

christmas is always the best but busiest time of year for retail so i imagine damien has been putting in a lot of extra effort to make sure that it’s special !! he did some big holiday toy drives alongside some local charities, but since the christmas rush has kind of fallen off and times are slower he’s now just trying to get through the pile of bookkeeping and administrative stuff that he needs to worry about. i have been playing with the idea of him running a very limited indie comic publishing thing out of the back office of his shop, having started with the one done by him & honey and now kind of expanding to artists who maybe don’t have the funds or ability to afford printing and stuff themselves but………… idk the logistics of that yet so it’s definitely just an idea in his head that’s in the early stages. he’s having fun with it. honestly he's having a great time.

*˖ ⊹ ────────  eli russo.

again i don’t think his daily life has much variation. working security at a show venue a few evenings a week and still coaching the Youth ™ w/ boxing a few days a week… sometimes he does do like 14 hour days which is a bit unfortunate and his schedule is all over the place which is bad for the brain that can barely remember what day it is on a good week but you know!!! his memory has been slightly improving thanks to all of the puzzles & all that stuff!!! so like good for him!!! go off king!! 

*˖ ⊹ ────────  elijah guiterrez.

again i just brought him here so i don’t really think things have been particularly outstanding in his life. just him and carmen doing their little school thing idk. he’s working as a TA in among all the other school stuff he’s doing i suppose.

*˖ ⊹ ────────  esther thomas.

lowkey i think she’s started dropping off from doing auditions all together… like she’s so bored of them, and getting anywhere in the snow and cold is rough, so while she hasn’t admitted it to anyone or even necessarily herself she’s just like. not been looking. kind of giving up on her dream but doesn’t want to admit that because then that means her parents were right. but like really she’s resigned herself to the bartending life. otherwise nothing new.

*˖ ⊹ ────────  grace bao.

she’s been stuck in this hellish domestic civil lawsuit at the moment that’s eating up practically all of her spare time because the judge and the defense are assholes and she has gotten competitive about it, alongside all of her Daughter Responsibilities for her parents and their millions of holiday and new years parties. grace does nothing but work, eat, be miserable at charity dinners, work some more, and maybe sleep right now. that’s her whole social life. 

*˖ ⊹ ────────  jackson ruíz.

construction is fairly seasonal work so while he’s still working he’s not as busy as he usually is, and also it’s winter and everything is depressing, so he’s definitely been deep into hermit “i haven’t seen you in a week” mode. especially with giselle kind of flying out to conferences and stuff there hasn’t been much reason for him to get out of his apartment. he’s in a Depression Era but hey ! it happens ! 

*˖ ⊹ ────────  kal sekh.

i think the news of eren’s diagnosis has had quite an effect on kal, especially having to keep it a secret from everyone and also because she doesn’t want as much support for it as he feels like he should be giving, so he’s slipping a little bit into old habits again and overworking himself into the ground so he doesn’t have to rly stop and think about what’s happening. double shifts and insomnia are back baby !!!!!!!!!

*˖ ⊹ ────────  kas peters.

just came out of a period where he had a few different mural commissions going on all at the same time and he was much busier than he’s usually used to so now he is simply basking in the fact that he doesn’t have to worry about funds broke-ass artist bitch but also that he doesn’t have anything to do. just kind of vibing. fucking around with his art in his room. fucking around w/ gabriella’s emotions. you know how it is. no cares in the world for this guy.

*˖ ⊹ ────────  minji kyung.

around new years she had the opening of her studio !! so she’s been very busy, not really making art but she’s been spending a lot of her time at the gallery/studio. this is a really big change from her because she’s kind of lacked purpose or a project for a really long time that i imagine she’s just really happy and really excited ??? but also probably very daunted because she feels like she doesn’t belong or doesn’t have the skills to do it properly yano. 

*˖ ⊹ ────────  reid baker.

he took a little vacation time off since his work is also pretty seasonal to go back and visit his parents on the farm, but mostly his life has been no different except he’s been shovelling snow off the central park steps instead of just being a glorified gardener. honestly he’s pretty chill he doesn’t have the braincells to be anything except chill.

*˖ ⊹ ────────  sebastián dominguez-herrera.

this bad boy went on tour !!! first it was america, and following that he did a few shows in europe & south america. he’s also been working on his next album in between, but he’s at a bit of a stand still with that one because he isn’t feeling ~ inspired ~ and he’s kind of groggy and thinks he’s sick all the time because all the travelling + the winter that he’s not really used to. drama queen never experienced seasonal depression before and hes getting a little taste of it.

*˖ ⊹ ────────  wren noor.

i think wren is starting to actually reconsider the kinds of things she wants to do with her life and the degree she already has now… i think maybe she’s looking into online courses at other universities where she might be able to finish her masters but also is considering a career change totally… she’s been spending way more time on the roof with her telescope and getting excited about that stuff again as she heals, but definitely is still cautious,,, anyway she's been doing her research.

[crimson-iden]

I have a theory about strobes. Granted, some of it might be a stretch, but I have a few ideas at least.

I think strobes may have a form of blindness or some form of lack of vision built into their biology. They’re definitely alien, we know that, but I’d like to take into consideration the idea that where they came from may be a place with very low to no light levels, considering that strobes are sensitive to light, that being one issue I’m thinking about. A lot of creatures, say bats and some spiders, may come from areas with very low light levels, like caves, and it’s found that animals that live in environments like that tend to have difficulties seeing or have sensitive vision. This would make sense as applying to strobes too, given that they seem better off in the dark.

Some animals that live in naturally dark environments and tend to have forms of blindness also use echolocation, the use of sound to locate their surroundings. I think this could apply to the clicking sound that strobes produce when their strobe lights flicker. Think about that quote, “They see motion”, this would make sense with a creature using echolocation, as its surroundings would seem static, but the moment something moves, they’d be able to tell in some shape or form. By remaining still, you could likely avoid a strobe becoming alert.

So what about their camera lens-like eye and their lights? I’d like to go back and look at a tweet that Tucker made when he was attacked by a pair of strobes, he claimed that as he looked back at them, there was some kind of cylinder protruding from its head. I’ll come back to this. Also consider that strobes are described as kinda organic but kinda metal, cyborgs likely. I believe their singular eyes are actually cameras built into their heads, producing a constant feed that I think would stream back to the ships, which tend to be present in the same areas as strobes, this may be due to the limited range of their transmission, not to mention the fact that they likely do better in warm environments.

So how do they transmit the stream? By the cylinder, I believe it could be an antenna, some kind of dish built into the head that send the signal to the ships, and receives commands, I don’t think the ships harbour a pilot, more that they are ‘alive’ in their own sense, like a ships computer in sci-fi having the majority of control over the whole thing.

I think the lights that strobes produce are to illuminate the stream, that way the ship’s computer can understand. I personally picture the computer of the ship like the eyes of a fly, every separate section of it is the different streams of strobes in the area, I think it would also make sense, given that the ship can somehow tell where the body of a strobe is after it dies, considering that they apparently retrieve the corpse. That would especially make sense for a constant feed, so when a strobe dies it kinda immediately starts to send an alert signal that the ships can act upon.

Obviously there are issues with my theory, namely, why are strobes so sensitive to light if they can’t see it? How can they see light? Honestly, I have no idea, maybe it’s that the strobes themselves aren’t affected, but the light messes with the camera and causes a reaction by the ship, maybe some kind of stress that messes with a strobes brain and causes the reaction, which I guess would make sense since I imagine having a camera stuffed in your face would mean you have wires near your brain.

At the end of the day, it’s only a theory, and I’m sure it can be debunked and questioned, this is just how I’ve personally been processing the “biology” of strobes

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #46 (part seven)

previously - Journal Entry #46 (part six)

Yuri

It'd taken way more effort than I expected to push the door open. With the adrenaline dissipating, I was shivering and exhausted and in so much pain that I wondered how I was even still standing. The act of tugging off my shoes left me breathless. Dark spots floated across my field of vision.

This is not good, some desperate par t of my brain screamed.

Of course I knew that, but I was struggling to process it. The was no denying that I was very ill — that I'd actually been ill for a couple of weeks now and had been getting progressively worse, in fact — but I'd been ferociously ignoring it and wasn't ready to give in, because I still had responsibilities to take care of. At some point, my body was going to force me to stop, though, which I was also actively trying not to think about.

The dizziness had cleared and I was straightening up and opening my eyes when Dr. Grace rounded the corner from the sitting room.

"Yuri!" she exclaimed. "What happened?"

"Where's Victor?" I asked.

She looked momentarily perplexed, but then told me, "He's exactly where he was when you last saw him. He was having trouble getting comfortable enough to sleep, so Julian's reading to him, to distract him until his medication starts working. I was about to make some tea. Do you want some?"

"No, thank you," I said. I couldn't imagine keeping anything down at that point, not even tea. "I... I just..." That was as far as I got. I didn't know what I was trying to say. Perhaps I was only attempting to talk to keep myself aware and in the moment.

Dr. Grace studied me for a second or two as if she was only just noticing the full extent of the state I was in. She asked, "Are you all right."

"No," I said.

"What happened?"

"My sister..." I began, but I couldn't get any more words out. I folded my arms across my body in an effort to stop myself from shaking and gazed at my mother-in-law, willing her to understand that I didn't have the strength to explain.

To her credit, she seemed to get it immediately. She stepped toward me with her hands held out. "Do you need a hug?"

I nodded, helpless to do anything else, and let her pull me into an embrace. I wrapped my arms around her and held on tight, burying my face in the soft fabric of her sweater. It was the first time I'd ever let anyone other than my mother or Victor hold me that close, and it felt strange, but not unwelcome or uncomfortable.

"Poor baby," Dr. Grace said. "All of this has been almost too much for you, hasn't it?"

"Yeah," was all I was able to reply.

"Let me take care of you," she said. "You don't need to handle this alone."

She began to rub my back, moving her hand with the same type of long, firm strokes that Victor always uses on me, and it occurred to me that he must've learned it from her.

I closed my eyes. Her sweater smelled faintly of coconut sunscreen.

Just like Victor.

That was the moment when something inside me let go. The breaking point I'd been dreading came all at once, with a flood of tears, and pain so visceral that I literally cried out from it. I felt like I couldn't get enough air into my lungs, and I'm sure the sound I made must've been terrifying as I simultaneously sobbed and gasped for breath.

My mother-in-law handled my outburst with the grace that befitted her name. She continued to hold me while I cried, and murmured comforting words into my hair, the tone of which mattered way more than the words themselves. Honestly, I couldn't even tell you what she said, aside from gentle repetitions of, 'it's okay, Yuri' and 'let it all out'.

And I did let it out, everything that had been accumulating for so long. I didn't have much choice once I'd gotten started.

I don't recall the last time I cried like that. Maybe I never had. I felt as though I were sobbing not only because of the fear, stress, anger and chaos of the past week, but also for every psychological wound I'd ever suffered in my life and had never permitted myself to express. It was as if years of aggressively locked up emotions were forcing their way to the surface all at once, and it hurt. It physically hurt.

The flow of time lost all meaning for me as I stood there, supported by Dr. Grace's strong, reassuring arms. I certainly had no power of my own to stay upright, and no thought of doing so, even if I did have the strength. For a while, there was nothing but me and my pain and my feelings of complete helplessness and vulnerability. I may have been caught up in that psychological maelstrom for one minute or ten. I don't know.

Eventually, my tears mostly stopped and I calmed enough to catch my breath and to tell my mother-in-law that I needed to sit down. We made what seemed like a kilometers-long journey from the entryway to the sitting room. Dr. Grace kept her arm around me the entire time, which was a good thing because I'm sure I wouldn't have made it without her.

After I rested for a bit, I was able to give Dr. Grace a broad strokes explanation of what had happened with Hana. I concluded with, "I don't know what to do. I thought about calling the police, but I don't want any more trouble. I just... I wish none of this was happening. Our lives are complicated enough as it is."

"I owe both you and Victor an apology," she said. "When Victor said your sister was dangerous, I'll admit I thought he might've been exaggerating a little because he was upset. I had no idea, and I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry you had to find out like this," I said. "The last thing I wanted was to drop so much on you and Dr. Julian, and I really didn't want it to be like this as soon as you got here."

"It's not your fault, sweetheart. It seems to me that all of this stuff is out of your control."

"Yeah. Everything feels out of control for me right now," I said. "I don't know what to do."

"The first thing you need to do is call the police," she said.

I shook my head. "I can't."

"You're afraid to?"

"Yeah," I admitted. Hiding the truth from her would serve no purpose. "It's not really the police I'm afraid of. It... it's Hana, and I don't know if I'm afraid for myself exactly. It's Victor. He..." my voice caught, and I was scared I'd start weeping again. I pressed my fingertips to my eyelids, as if I thought that might contain another outburst. I whispered, "I have to protect him."

Dr. Grace placed her hand on my shoulder. "Yuri, listen to me," she said. "The best way you can protect Victor, and yourself too, is by telling somebody in authority about what's going on. I don't know how it works here, but where I come from, the police take it very seriously when people break into other people's houses and threaten their safety. Not to mention that she stole a vehicle and who knows what else. She can't be allowed to get away with that, can she?"

"No, but the judge—”

"It's not the judge's house she broke into."

I sighed, and the sound was harsh and ragged. "I hate this."

"I don't think anybody enjoys being in a situation where they have to talk to the police," said Dr. Grace. "Julian and I will be here with you, though, and you've got Victor. You won't be alone."

"Okay," I said. "But... do I have to do it right this minute? Can I rest for a little while first?"

"You look like you could use some rest," she said. "Do you want to lie down with Victor?"

Yes, I wanted to. I desperately wanted to, but there were other things that would have to take priority over that. I shook my head. "Can you help me upstairs? I need to see if anything's out of place. Then, I can rest in my room for an hour or so."

She looked like she wanted to disagree with this plan, but she relented. "All right, but once you've had a look around, you have to promise to get some sleep. No trying to work, and no doing anything else for that matter."

Don't worry," I said. "I don't think I could do anything else even if I wanted to."

Navigating the stairs felt like mission impossible. We had to stop twice on the way up, and Dr. Grace literally lowered me to the floor on the upstairs landing because I was so wobbly and lightheaded.

My own bed probably wasn't where I should've been headed, honestly. The way I was feeling, I suspected a bed in the hospital might've been warranted, but there was no way I was going to leave this house — no way I was going to leave my Victor — unless I absolutely had to. If I ended up in the hospital, it'd be because somebody else insisted and I was too weak and ill to fight it.

We checked the bathroom first. Evidently, Hana had used my hairdryer, which she'd left on the counter. There was a towel hanging over the shower rail, but nothing else seemed disturbed. Victor's room, the laundry room and my work area all seemed fine, too.

It was when I slid open the door to my own bedroom that I discovered where my sister had been planning to stay.

Typical, I thought. Of course she'd claim my room.

The first thing I noticed was Hana's purse, a shopping bag and a small overnight bag on the floor next to the bed. In her haste to leave, or rather in my haste to make her leave, she didn't have the chance to collect any of this stuff, which meant she'd be back for it unless I could think of a better way to get it to her before that happened. Maybe I could call Papa and ask him to come over and get it, or my grandmother. That seemed like a reasonable solution.

Dr. Grace stood in the doorway while I moved slowly around the room, checking everything. Nothing looked out of the ordinary in the closet, my violin was in its case and unharmed, and with a sigh of relief I found that Victor's rings were still safe in their little box on my dresser. I'd been especially worried about that. Victor was still upset about the staff at the hospital having to take his rings off, and about his hands still being a bit too swollen for me to put them back on him. He's waiting for the moment when he can wear his rings again, and he'd be distraught if anything happened to them in the meantime.

"Everything okay?" Dr. Grace asked.

"Yes, I think so," I said. I gestured in the general direction of Hana's bags. "I'm sorry to ask, but would you mind taking those downstairs, please? I'll ask somebody to come pick them up later."

"Yes, I can take them," she said. "What about that folder on the bed? Do you want me to take that, too? We can put it in one of the bags. Or is that something of yours?"

"What folder?" I turned around fully, and that's when I spotted it. On the end of the bed, there was a plain buff-coloured file folder. I don't know why I hadn't seen it at first.

Although it looked exactly like the ones I use for my work stuff, I was one hundred percent positive it wasn't mine. Since we moved into this house and I've had my dedicated work area, I never work in my bedroom any more. There was no reason for any of my files to be in there.

I picked up the folder and flipped it open. On the top of the small stack of documents inside, I saw two Japanese passports, each with an envelope sticking out from under the front cover. The passports didn't completely obscure the entire first page of paperwork, which turned out to be a printed email addressed to Hana.

Curious, I balanced the folder in the crook of my arm, and eased open the topmost passport. I might've made an audible squeak of surprise when I saw the name inside.

Ren Kitagawa

I didn't need to open the second one to know it was my sister's.

"Yuri?" Dr. Grace's voice inserted itself into my suddenly racing thoughts.

I raised my eyes from the documents and met her gaze. "I, ah... I'm going to keep this here with me."

"Okay," she said. "But you're supposed to be resting, not working."

"I'm going to rest," I assured her. "I don't have the energy to work. I just want to hang onto this. It's important."

She nodded. "Do you need any more help with anything? If not, I'll take those bags downstairs and let you have some peace and quiet."

"Thank you," I said. "I don't need anything else right now."

"I'll come back and check on you in an hour or so."

"If it's all the same to you, can you wait until Victor wakes up before you come back to check on me?" I requested. "I need to tell him something, but I think we could both use all the sleep we can get in the meantime."

"All right," she agreed. "Sleep well."

Once she was gone, I changed out of my jeans and sweater in favour of something more comfortable. I was grateful to be rid of my belt in particular. The less anything put even the slightest pressure on any part of my midsection, the better. A pair of Victor's shorts and one of his sweatshirts was the perfect wardrobe choice for that, and as an added bonus, the shirt smelled like him.

I crawled into bed and just lay there for a minute, holding the sleeves of Victor's sweatshirt close to my face. I wished he was curled up beside me, but I knew neither of us would get much rest if we were in the same bed. Unlike during the past few days, I didn't need to stay close to him every second in case he needed something, so it was better this way, at least for the moment.

After my impromptu session of aromatherapy, I pulled Hana's folder toward me and opened it up again. The second passport did turn out to be hers, and the envelopes contained a flight itinerary for a trip to America, to a place I'd never heard of. Oasis Springs. It sounded nice, like a place one would go for sun, sand and quiet relaxation, but somehow I doubted that was why my sister and her boyfriend were going there.

Yes, you heard right. Her boyfriend. I don't believe for a second that Hana and Ren have really broken up, and what I saw in the folder confirmed it. In fact, it appeared the opposite might be true, that they were very solidly together, and that she might be helping him attempt to escape the country.

When Hana realizes I have this...

I admonished myself sternly not to think about that. I needed to tell somebody, but who? The police? That would probably be best, I decided, but I was suddenly struck with an intense need to tell my father about it too. I had no idea why. It's not as if he's ever had much control over Hana, and now that she's twenty and a legal adult here in Japan, he can't really stop her from doing most things anyway. Even so, I wanted to talk to him.

Must be the fever affecting me. I don't usually want anything to do with him, much less to confide any secrets.

I really wanted to read every document in Hana's folder, to get the entire story of the trip to the mysterious Oasis Springs, but my ability to focus was fading with every second that passed. Scraping together the energy I had left, I dragged myself out of bed and across the short distance to my violin case. I carefully lifted my violin out and placed it on its stand. Then, I stuffed Hana's paperwork into the case and latched it shut. Nobody would think to look there for anything, or so I hoped.

By the time I fell into bed again, I was well and truly exhausted. Normally, my mind would be working overtime on everything I'd uncovered, but my entire body, including my brain, had hit its limit.

I don't even remember falling asleep.

[fuckyeahdindjarin]

Girl. You wrote 65k words this year. WTFFFFFFF HOW DID YOU DO THAT. HOWWWWWWWWWWW. I rarely ever complete one chapter because then I start hating it.

Sweet anon, this ask is taking me ✨places✨ so please bear with me.

First, the how - I wrote 65k this year because I love writing (and there goes my comparing brain again - I'm sure my word count isn't even that impressive compared to others). There's nothing like the high of an idea striking you out of the blue like lightning, that compels you to chase the storyline in your head until you have a whole fic written out in your mind, even if it's 4am in the morning. Every single fic I've written has come from a moment like that, and it can be addictive.

Now, I kind of get you on the hate part - ok, maybe hate is a strong word, but there are definitely parts of writing that I don't love. And a lot of it comes from my own personality because I can't do anything by halves. When I started writing again last year, I would obsess over every single word and spend a whole week editing, moving the needle one word or one turn of phrase at a time. In the early days, I think I'd re-read a fic 10-15 times for edits before I would even think about posting.

I've mellowed a bit since, but I still have an incredibly long and rigorous editing process that honestly isn't much fun. But that's the way I'm built - deep down, I know a certain word or structure of a sentence wouldn't make much of a difference to the reader, but I owe it to the story to make sure it's as perfect as I can get it, especially when it's a fic as important to me as Palomino. The last edit for the finale alone took me 2 hours as I read every single word out loud during final revisions.

Writing just takes so much out of me every single time. I know we're meant to have fun, that this is a hobby, but for me, it's also way more than that? Like, yes, it's a hobby, but it's important to me that I give it everything I got. So yes, the stress is self-inflicted, but it's just who I am, and I don't know how to write any other way. And at the end of the day, that’s why I’m proud of everything I write, and why I’ll stand by my stories no matter what. Because I know I gave it everything.

Ok I don't know where all of that came from, excuse the word vomit, but I guess what I want to say is that I'm sure many, if not most, writers have a complicated relationship with writing. Sweet anon, I hope you find a way to write without hating it, know that deep down, we all have some sort of an antagonistic relationship with writing that ultimately comes from a place of love.

[averymorstan]

One of the things I get asked about from time to time is my decision to publish on Amazon Kindle. 

I get it, Amazon is the Bad Guys (and honestly, I don’t disagree with you), but they did streamline the process in a lot of ways that make self-publishing on Amazon very easy. 

My decision to self-publish actually started last year before NaNoWriMo. I had a job that I didn’t feel great about the longevity of, and I also live in a pretty stressful situation that I don’t make enough to move out of. My job was quiet, though, and I was able to listen to podcasts during the day. I started to devour so many writing podcasts - DIYMFA, I Wish I’d Know, Author Like a Boss, Spa Girls, Indie Fully Booked and so many others that I can’t even remember all of them. Just day after day, doing my little data entry, and listening to pods. I’d already been writing fanfic and listening to people who decided to take their publishing future into their own hands and really commit to writing their original stories was very inspiring. 

I will say, some of what I listened to was very reminiscent of Multi-Level Marketing jargon.

Do I think some people make a ton of money on Amazon? Yes. But I have my doubts about some of the advice floating around on social media and through these podcasts about the real money that can be (or can’t be) made on Amazon.

I also feel like some of the speakers can be a little bit... elitist? Classist? But that might be a different post kind of subject. 

What I DID take away, around Christmas or January of last year, was that some of these books that were being published were actually quite short. I don’t know if other autistic people struggle with this, but I know I need ‘permission’ or an example of how something is done before I realize I could have been doing it that way the whole time. Sometimes, my brain commits to rules that aren’t necessarily true. For instance, I thought all books had to be long - they had to be like, at least 50,000 to 150,000 words. This always felt like an insurmountable obstacle to me because I typically can’t stay committed to a story longer than like, 20k. I’m ready for a new part to the adventure by the time I get to that word count. 

But a lot of these indie published authors were talking about rabid releasing, writing very short books, and managing to make content every few weeks. Because of this, they were saying it was possible to start making a steady income relatively quickly by cementing your work in the Amazon algorithms. 

I didn’t think it was possible. So, using my small town romance project from last year’s NaNo, I decided to test myself. I’m a fairly quick writer and I’d been writing fanfic for a while, so I knew I could bust out a pretty okay romance story within a short time frame. I built a little world based on my town/the towns I tend to hang around in and I created four books (plus a bonus story for Christmas) set in these towns. I would release one 15,000 word ‘book’ each month from August to December and see what happened. Each book had 7 chapters, had call backs to characters that you knew from previous books so you felt like you were checking in on old friends, and the stories themselves could only take place over the period of a few days - or, in the case of Falling for Apple, a few weeks. 

I started writing in March and worked all the way through until I started releasing them in August. In that time, I changed jobs to someplace I had less free time for writing, and I’ve done a few plays. I’ve also traveled out of town, continued documenting the process on my YouTube channel, and dealt with a very sick relative/family drama. I feel really, really good about what we’ve accomplished. 

I am also burnt out as F_CK.

All in all, if you don’t count my $12.00 a month subscription to PicMonkey, which I use to make my covers but I had already because of my history with blogging/making Insta content, I’ve spent about $25 on advertising. I’ve done a few boosted posts through Instagram and the rest has been talking about the books on my channel or on my Instagram/Facebook/Tiktok accounts. I was trying to use this method of mostly relying on the Amazon algorithms to do the work for me- that was directly out of one of the podcasts. 

I have made about $100. 

That’s it. That will not help me move out of my home and it is not the second income I was hoping it would be. HOWEVER, this is a marathon, not a sprint, and I’m very much due for a water break. 

Here is what I’ve learned throughout this process:

* Amazon makes it easy because they give you free ISBNs for your Kindle e-books. ISBN numbers can be Very Expensive, so this is a nice bit of accessibility for those of us living below the poverty line. 

* Amazon also has Kindle Create which basically formats your book for you/helps you format your books, so that’s pretty accessible as well.

* Amazon also pays you for page reads. So, yes, your book is free in Kindle Unlimited but you get paid per page read and that’s really nice.

If you have more asks about this process, please let me know because I do think knowledge should be shared and not kept where others (who don’t have the income) can reach it. 

[fruitless-vain]

Hey sorry for the big text ahead but I really appreciate you and how you treat all of your animals and I want to get it out to someone that understands. We have a family dog that has been with my parents all of his years. (Me and my sis moved out and he stayed with them because they too wanted him) Mixed breed and is now 11 years old.

Thing is theyve been using all the wrong approaches and ended up reinforcing his extreme reactiveness to: doorbell, door knocking, even elevator sounds! Guests, and pedestrians sometimes. They cannot adress this calmly and were super stressed with it so I took him now at my place so I can help them relax. And oh boy I'm trying all sorts of things I've researched on. And oh boy it's so challenging.

I'm looking for a trainer now because I don't think I can do it on my own. Do you think we'll have luck?

Reactivity is definitely one heck of a road! It’s a lot of trying different things and seeing what procedures and management protocols really have the most benefit for you all as a team. And that can get exhausting, frustrating, and disheartening on bad days but honestly? Super worth it. Watching a dog that’s struggled with being anxious, stressed and fearful develop confidence and joy around their triggers and really begin to enjoy their days, truly relax, and get to just be a happy dog without all that anxiety riddling her brain is so rewarding.

I found that taking time to reflect on each session and really make sure to point out the “wins” (even if they seem small at the time) is really helpful in keeping me motivated to keep moving forwards. Even if you have a really bad reactivity day there’s always a touch of progress to remember, how close they were to a trigger before they reacted, how quickly they came down after the reaction, how the reaction impacted the rest of the day, how they handled things prior to the reaction occurring, or even how you handled the reaction, how you responded, and your own response time for utilizing management (even if it failed, getting that routine in place is a win!).

It takes a lot of time, it takes a lot of patience, and it is absolutely a toll on your own mental health at times, don’t forget that decompression days are just as important for you as it is for your dog!

It’s confusing as heck when you’re just getting started, and frustrating! But once you get a good routine in place things do get easier. Especially if you can find a good trainer to work with, their knowledge and resources are invaluable!

I think as long as you’re willing to try, you guys can absolutely make some incredible progress!

((And I’m always here if you want someone to vent to/ share your successes/ process your thoughts with!))

[aforkstuckintheroad]

It's been a while, reading the things I wrote on here, not a lot has changed but a lot has changed. From that last sentence, at least we can establish that my writing has not changed as much, it's just as dramatic.

Some things are different - I am heading to graduate school and I am moving out of my parents home. God, I am so stressed. I procrastinated hard on a lot of really important things and now I feel so behind on everything and the program hasn't even begun yet. I am already playing catch-up.

My life is taking a drastic and dramatic turn. I quit my job a while ago, and since then I've pretty much been at home and in my room. I wrote a post on here previously about how much I love my room most of the time - and yeah, safe to say, it was not that romantic to be stuck in it without purpose or any semblance of meaning for almost two years. My life keeps taking these big turns - that's how 20s go I suppose? One day you're in college, the next you're out and working, then next you're lost and unemployed, the next you're moving countries for grad school. Relatively, these are pretty normal experiences, nothing out of the ordinary, in fact quite privileged in having access to these experiences. Except my stomach hurts all the time and so does my head. This rapid change of scenery over and over again - the adjustment, the departure, the re-adjustment - I can't breathe when I sit and think about it. So I've stopped sitting to think. Now I only feel stress and anxiety. I don't feel sadness, I don't feel excitement. The stress and anxiety have taken over all my feelings. And the guilt for feeling even these two, given all the privilege, will not even let me feel the stress and anxiety in peace - that's an oxymoron, but you know what I mean? I hope you do. I find solace only in the fact that I am not alone, and people out there understand. I feel alone, in my house, with my friends sometimes. But there are people out there. There's always somebody on Reddit going through the same thing as you. So there's that. Everything just feels like a lot of work, and I do not know how to put in the work. I honestly and plainly - do not want to. I have not found anything yet that makes me feel like I would want to put in that work. Maybe all of this will change in grad school, maybe being back in school will turn my life around. But as I've often seen quoted online - you can run away to a different place, but you can't escape yourself. I hope I do better, I want to do better. But as I sit and write this instead of updating my resume and applying for the on-campus job that I really want - I do not know if I will be any better. The job applications and the housing process is really very deeply stressing me out and I leave in 2 weeks. I just want to get there and start my life. But if I'm not able to put in the pre-start work for my life, will I be able to do it once it all starts full swing?

Therapy was barely helpful with my tasks, what is wrong with my brain? I've just started reading Atomic Habits finally, after seeing it everywhere. Yes I am scared to admit that I am reading a self-help book. I guess it's an indication to how desperate I am to change my life. I cannot miss out on opportunities anymore because of my inability to do tasks! It is excruciating. I absolutely cannot do a single task to save my life right away, quite literally. Even if my life depended on it, I would procrastinate for days and days. Like getting my stomach checked out - because it hurts all the time. There's some hypochondria at play there too though, and my sedentary lifestyle is largely to blame. But still, what if there was a real problem there? I refuse to take any action?

I have no control over myself and my body, and thus there is no me and there is no I. It is just an entity, operating at it's own instinctive will. The writer of this, is just a little part that exists somewhere within this entity, but in no way or form can take claim of forming the entire entity. Because the writer has very little actual control over the entity. That is how I feel. Best, the 5% of the entity