#like listen. the lexapro is working but i don’t know if it’s to the degree where my stomach won’t go haywire just stepping foot inside

[heartual]

calling my doctors office on a whim to set up my appointment before i talk myself out of it and their office is closed boooo

[dicaeopolis]

Srry idk if this is out of line & if it is I apologize & feel free to delete etc but iirc uv posted abt being diagnosed with adhd b4 & I was wondering if ud mind me asking when/what was that like? Bc as a young adult woman Im finding myself relating 2 a lot of tumblr adhd posts goin round (+ im in grad schl & starting 2 feel like my life is spinning out of control & im barely holding it 2gether) but idk if these r just normal feelings or if its actually worth being concerned & going to a dr abt

Yaa ok so. I got formally diagnosed uhhhh like midway through college?? (symptoms I had/have down below the cut) ADHD and Asperger’s at the same time. Didn’t go on any meds cause I’d seen ADHD meds take a lot of people’s personalities in exchange for productivity. Which isn’t to say that meds can’t be useful or wonderful for people?? It’s personal preference and I think usually worth a try. I was just mostly focused on treating depression, I was on Lexapro for a really long time. I think it’s defs worth going to a doctor, worst-case scenario it’s not ADHD but then at least you’d know, best-case you start getting treatment you need.

I wanna say about my experience with school. there’s a lot of comorbidity between ADHD and depression/anxiety, usually with the mental illness as a symptom of the disorder’s difficulties. i spent 8 years of school getting treated for depression. and then i started spending my summers working in the outdoors and i forgot my meds one July and. i was okay? It would’ve been Code Red Danger Imminent during the school year, but when I was moving around and doing things with my hands and in an interesting environment and only working 45 hours a week (I was spending 70-80 on schoolwork) I didn’t need meds one bit.

and i realized that it wasn’t that ADHD makes me a bad person or worker, just that sitting and typing and reading all the time is a bad environment for me. esp because everything takes 3x as long with ADHD and I didn’t have enough extra time/energy to do anything else active/interesting with my life. I graduated last May and I’ve been doing full-time work in the outdoors since then (trails and chainsaw crews, going into wildland firefighting next fall), and I’m not on any meds and I’m the steadiest I’ve ever been. i keep schedules, i’m emotionally stable, i’m good at interacting with people, i’m reliably good at what i do, all like it’s nothing. that’s huge for me.

so yeah I think you should probably go to a doctor. even if it isn’t ADHD that’s a step towards figuring out what’s up and getting help for it. and I wanna say, you can do school with ADHD. it’ll be hard, you’ll have to sacrifice one thing or another, but if you love your field and you want to do this with your life you can. im still glad I got my degree. I know tenured professors with ADHD who are managing just fine.

but everyone is gonna tell you that same thing so i’ll give you my side of it too. school is stressful. ADHD makes you bad at sitting still and focusing which makes it more stressful. You can get on meds and get therapy and learn all the coping mechanisms possible and it’s still gonna be more stressful and harder for someone with ADHD. idk details but it sounds like you aren’t having a great time being in school. and yeah you could force yourself through classes and listen to everyone telling you that you need to be melting your brains out at a desk somewhere cuz capitalism, but you don’t gotta. if school isn’t worth it you can go find something that’s better for you, it’s okay to leave, i mean it.

(symptoms mentioned above below the cut)

hyperfixating as a kid but it’s on stuff like princesses or warrior cats so it doesn’t get noticed

having a hard time taking notes/listening in class unless you’re also doodling or fidgeting with something

getting REALLY into the internet bc it’s pretty much just a constant high-speed stream of stimulation and hyperfixation content

getting good grades until it stops being easy and starts requiring focus. I did continue getting good grades all the way through college but it started taking worse and worse tolls on me, it’d take me like 2 hours to read a 20-page article and I wouldn’t remember anything unless I took detailed notes and I missed deadlines etc etc etc.

i was a nervous fucking wreck in high school but my grades were still pretty good so it never really got looked into i think

echolalia

good at things but. only sometimes and it’s completely unpredictable

forgetting Everything

interrupting a lot

impulsiveness, but also getting frozen up over all your different impulses and ending up doing Nothing

that advice about “oh just do a little bit each day!”/”take a break every half-hour!” being like. The worst advice ever I will do this all in one go or I will do it never

overexplaining everything cuz your thought patterns look like a scribble

I was a really quiet kid in elementary school into middle school but when I started my (pretty drawn-out) coming-out process i got a lot more confident, and with that i got just IMPOSSIBLE to deal with in school. Like off the fucking wall bonkers. And started being the kind of troublemaker that boys with ADHD often are in elementary school. So I feel like it’s less about genetic differences between afab and amab people, and more about socialization. Either way I’ve always been super social online, just too awkward irl to exhibit it for a while

^if that paragraph was a lil tough for you to get through and your eyes kinda skipped over it. That might be a sign.

[doseofdeath-blog]

It’s time to be honest and raise awareness.

This is a really hard topic to discuss. I literally took a deep breath before making a huge decision to talk about this. The following story time will be covering some triggering, taboo issues but very crucial to be highlighted in respect of Suicide Prevention Month.

Hello, I’m Alia. It doesn’t matter who has known me longer or for the past 5 seconds ago, I have been very secretive about my struggles. I’ve been so afraid to open up about my battles with my mental health. After a couple of years, I sat down and reflected how it can be unfair for me to not be honest to myself when I’m out here trying to help others. I was not helping myself and I did not want to be get better as if like I didn’t care anymore.

Back in my pre-teen years, body image/self image became a huge concern for me. I was constantly worried about how I looked and my body size especially when one comment was made on the way I looked. Measuring the size of my arm wondering when it can become smaller was one of them. It haunted me for the rest of my life. It still stayed in the back of my mind and I guess it was the start to where I am now.

At 14 years old, I started to fall in love even more with Islam. I wanted to become closer to Allah. Little did I know, I started losing control of myself when I was praying and taking ablution. It became a ritual to make everything become perfect and if I didn’t get it right, I would repeat everything up until an hour plus. I had negative intrusive thoughts of religion and other messed up things that I will never ever feel comfortable to say. I started to become this girl who panicked everytime my mom tried to leave the house even just for a few hours. 

This continued until I reached 16 years old. My closest friends started transferring to boarding schools. I have never felt so alone. I started getting really depressed and nobody knew that I went home crying everyday after school. I started to self-harm because that’s the only way to inflict my emotional pain. I hated school and I dreaded the whole year going to school. Every sort of relationship I had just failed. I pushed people away and hid about all the things built up in me. As I was struggling with everything mentioned above, everything was just too much. You know, everything has an end. I finally opened up to my mother about what I’ve been struggling with and convinced her to get help for myself. I needed help because I wasn’t getting any better. I remember how I was completely done with myself. I attempted to kill myself wanting the pain to end. But I didn’t. I just ended up crying and crying until I didn’t feel anything.

I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder by my doctor at 17 years old. My first session was hell. It was hard to tell strangers about what’s going on in your head when you don’t even understand it yourself. I was prescribed with antidepressants (lexapro) for 2 years straight to treat my anxiety disorder. I stopped taking them towards the end of 2015 because I was just relying too much on antidepressants to feel like I’m on the top of the world. I hated all the doctor’s appointments because I had to be honest and I couldn’t be honest because I was embarrassed of myself. Yes, I was a defaulted patient. I shouldn’t have done that because the side effects really took a toll of my life the following year.

I found love with a boy I was very much in love with the whole time we were in school. Around this time was the time I had my medication withdrawals (lexapro withdrawals). Our relationship didn’t work out because my anxiety went through the roof. I became very toxic. I lost my best friend. It was so hard to cope with it. At that point of time, I had to prepare myself for my final year of law degree in Newcastle. Everything moved so quickly.

I lived on my own that one whole final year. I felt very lonely like how I used to. felt like I was 16 again. It was winter time and my anxiety was severe. I started having random anxiety attacks in campus. at the restaurant. I cried out of nowhere and I am still thankful to this day that my friend, Megan was there through it all. I tried to make myself busy but I just couldn’t. I cried every night. I isolated myself every chance I got. I didn’t wanna see anybody. I had 2 suicide attempts around this time leading up to January 2018. I survived. 

I’m still here. Whatever that was going through my brain at that moment was all blank. You don’t think about people who truly love and care about you anymore at that point. All you want is for the pain to end. You wish that it’s easy to just rip it off of your chest. But, I survived and ended up harming myself, just cried and prayed to Allah numerously to make me feel okay again. Talking about it with my best friend definitely helped me not to harm myself further. Never keep it to yourself. 

Now, as i’m writing this post... I want the readers to know that I’m not ‘cured’ or ‘I’ve solved the problem’. I still struggle till this day although I can say that I am better than I used to be. Suicidal thoughts come and go especially when I feel very lonely. It’s never been easy but I try to fight it as much as I can. It will be okay. Even though you don’t see the light in the darkness you’re surrounded with right now, it will eventually come. I used to be so so negative and toxic, I wanted to be happy. I hated seeing others happy because I told myself I’ll never be like them. I’m trying to and I can see a little light coming. I tried to surround myself with positive people, messages and try to fix myself on a daily basis.

Cry if you want to. Let it all out. Get professional help. Talk to someone. Don’t keep it to yourself. Someone out there will understand. I got the help that I needed from the people I could trust. I got better. There were some rough patches but those patches made me who I am today. It made me a stronger person. A more understanding, self-reflective person. It made me realize that I need to work on myself too. to give myself a chance to try and not give up on myself. 

I’m right here. I understand. Anyone who is going through something... I am willing to listen. I will never judge you because your mental health does not define who you are. 

****** for another form of outlet, befrienderskl has a hotline that is open for 24 hours. They’re available to give you emotional support through a phone call or email. https://www.befrienders.org.my/ 

[lalka-laski]

What is the title of the strangest book you own? "When God was a Rabbit” sprung to mind first. I’m sure there’s a good selection of other weird titles though. 

How often do you actually wake up in a good mood? Since I’ve started taking Lexapro, I wake up with less dread. I’m still not thrilled to wake up on work days, but I feel more equipped to handle the day ahead now. 

What can we usually find you doing on a Friday night? Lately I’ve spent my Fridays snuggled at home watching movies 

What would you say is your guiltiest pleasure? I got into The Bachelorette recently & there sure is a lot of shame for my enjoyment of it... 

Tell me all about your special lady/gentleman. He’s the cutest, sweetest, lovingest, cuddliest man I’ve ever met and he has my whole entire heart!! (Are you gagging?) 

What is the highest outdoor temperature you’ve ever had to endure? Hm, I think it reached near 100 degrees one day I was in Arizona. 

And the lowest? Sub-zero. How “sub” I’m not sure but I live in Western, New York. We know cold. 

Do you let your pets on your furniture? I don’t have pets and it’s for that very reason

Can you usually tell when someone has feelings for you? I can be naive about it. I usually assume someone is just kind and friendly and it’s not until a friend points out that said person is indeed hitting on me. 

What would you plant in your dream garden? I’m not exactly a green thumb but it would be cool to plant herbs and possibly veggies for cooking.

Do you believe in fairies, gnomes, or elves? Mhm 

What is your favorite thing to cook for someone else? Cozy foods like soups, chillis, casseroles etc. Oh and my slow-cooker mac & cheese is BOMB. 

What’s the last thing you ate that was made with phyllo dough? Spanakopita probably? Though it’s been awhile 

Have you ever bought underwear simply because it made your underwear drawer look nice? That’s odd

How do you feel about kettle cooked chips? I don’t care for them. I’ll eat them if they’re the *ONLY* option but they’re not my first choice. 

What sort of things do you do when you have the entire evening to relax? I usually read or journal, maybe watch a guilty pleasure movie or show. And I often indulge in wine or some other adult beverage!

Opinions on cold pizza? Room temperature pizza is actually than fresh hot pizza, IMO. But refrigerated pizza is a no-go for me. 

What’s been on your mind lately? Wedding plans, for sure. 

Are you currently waiting for something to come in the mail? I just placed an order for some hand soaps from B&BW. But I won’t expect them for at least a few more days

How do you go about cheering someone up? I wish I was better at that. I usually just offer a listening ear and space for him/her to vent. And hugs usually help too.

Would you ever consider visiting Texas? I can’t imagine there’s much there that would appeal to me. 

Have you ever been greatly dissatisfied with a haircut or dye-job? How did you react? Oh yes. I got my haircut to collarbone length a few summers ago (while going through a breakup, go figure) and it looked NOTHING how I envisioned. Thank God it’s grown out now and I will never make that mistake again

When you drive - if you do - how do you hold the wheel? I don’t drive.

Who was the last person to turn you on? Glenn, of course 

Who was the last person to turn you off? LOL, pretty much everyone who’s NOT Glenn :P