#me when it physically hinders me from taking care of myself and going to the doctor ❤️ this is fine

[heartual]

calling my doctors office on a whim to set up my appointment before i talk myself out of it and their office is closed boooo

[hg-aneh]

will you ever come back, or is this an indefinite hiatus/straight up dipping?

i don't know

all the i miss yous are making me want to come back but ik i would just be terrified and motionless as soon as i do

Vent-ish Rant downstairs

CW: Pedophilia, Antisemitism, Suicide, Ableism, Harassment, Bullying, all the important words except for murder basically

i want to fix things in private with the people who hurt me so things can be okay and I don't out them for being wieners

but i also want everyone to know who hurt me, yet I'm aware it's not the right choice to make. social media outrage barely leads to anything, specially where minors are concerned

hell,now that i think about it, considering the fact that they genuinely don't believe people older than them are allowed to have feelings, I don't even think talking would be the right move

it's scary, its fucking scary

fuck. the whole thing started with a person mocking the way i spoke about crowley telling me to stop babying him because i was a legal adult and shouldn't be speaking like that

i had just turned 18 and the person was only a year younger than me

like when it's gone to that point and shit is that fucked up, what can one person even do

i remember i laughed about it back then but truth be told, every single little thing I've been told and that I've listened to coming from the people who hurt me has fucking destroyed me as a person

I looked at my older Discord messages, from before this whole mess started. I was so fucking happy and shameless with my joy, now look at my sorry ass

i just.

it's crazy that i have to go around masking in social media of all places because there are people that take such offense to me being cringe that they legitimately turn into high school mean girls

it's crazy that there are people who claim I'm something i am not because they want to make me look bad in the eyes of their little circlejerking friend groups so they can feel like the hero of the story

it's crazy that empathy goes completely out of the window when an account is big, that people don't see human beings as human beings when they're behind a screen

"just log off lol" i am a lonely shut in motherfucker due to my autism (that, surprise surprise, hinders my ability to socialize), you do not understand what you're asking of me, specially while being in this country and at this point in time where I'm actively craving to kick the metaphorical bucket, at daily risk of doing so, and what basically is house arrest for my own safety and well being

(aka, avoiding to physically yeet myself into upcoming traffic or buying something to actually seal the deal)

thus far I've been accused of antisemitism, pedophilia, being too self-centered (which. bro, the reason why i talk about myself is because it's the one thing i can comment on without being scared of some random person coming to tell me "NuH uH" about it out of nowhere or worse, having their feelings hurt because I don't agree with them 100%), proshipper (which, to those people, the word implies wonderful labels such as "incest apologist" "pedophile" (again) "abuse endorser" among other things) ((sidenote, I'm on neither side on that particular discourse. my friends from both sides know this. I would elaborate on my stance if this wasn't already long enough, but it is, so I'm leaving it at an "I don't care, you do you, but please leave me out of it")), being... mean... because i blocked someone...? (this one is just. that's how the second wave of hate started btw. yeah, because i blocked someone. holy fuck), and there's probably a handful of other things I haven't seen yet. fuck it, there's probably someone out there calling me a zoophile because of my catboy au

My friends who I will not name because I don't want the high school mean girls crusade to get to them, have helped me stash out evidence for all of the accusations and bullying.

fuck, they were the ones who let me know about it on the first place, both actions for which i am eternally thankful for because it means I can defend myself properly should the occasion arise (dios no quiera)

I've already had to make a post on Xitter responding to the antisemitism and pedophilia claims, in which, for the latter, i had to reveal extremely personal information for the people who started this to give me respite if only for a while

and. ugh

What I'm trying to get at with all of this is. it's. coming back is scary. i want to but at the same time I don't think I can take this shit anymore

I wish I had people defending me like this when the harassment started because I'm a spineless little bitch who'd rather talk things out and at least be neutral with people than clap back and tell them to stop being stinky

but what's done is done and now i just gotta figure out how to fix my head before i do something stupid

this is not the full story obviously, I'm cutting off certain details as well as more personal depression stuff to not make this bible longer than it already is

fuck

TLDR: I need a hug, idk if I'm coming back, I probably will cuz I can't say no to people, and some teenagers are horrible

[hiramaris]

Kiss It Off Me

CHAPTER 2

Chapter Summary:

And what does Haley do when things don't go her way? She sabotages. So it wasn't a surprise when Haley's mouth opened and the next words that came out were ones she never intended to say. It was a defense mechanism, a way to push people away before they could hurt her. "If it weren't for those horrendous clothes, you might actually be pretty," she blurted out, regretting it as soon as the words left her lips.

Pairings: Haley x Fem!farmer

Disclaimer:  I do not own Stardew Valley or any of the related characters. Stardew Valley is created by and owned by ConcernedApe. This fanfiction is intended for entertainment only. I am not making any profit from this story. All rights of the original Stardew Valley story belong to ConcernedApe.

Warning: None so far? Just Haley being her usual self

Notes:

Okay, so originally in my AO3 this is meant to be a Haley x OC and I have already created a solid description for my character. However, I thought it would be much better if I changed it to a reader-insert instead tho I'll probably keep some physical descriptions that I had already inserted, so sorry about that. Also, if some of y'all have already read this in my AO3, expect some minor changes.

Gif from loriedarlin.tumblr.com

Spring 1

Haley rises with the grace of a blooming sunflower that she is. It's finally Spring!

No longer will she suffer from the icy chill that makes her toes feel like they're about to fall off, none of that ridiculously nasty snow that forces her to use that Yoba awful boots she had hidden at the deepest part of her wardrobe, and just as equally terrible gloves that hinder her from using her camera let alone her phone when she finally got that once in a blue moon occurrence of perfect lighting outside.

And most importantly; no more dry, frizzy hair.

AND.

She could finally continue her tan!

Oh, the endless possibilities that await her in this new season. So much to explore and experience. Haley is positively bursting with excitement, eager to dive into all the joys, and wonders what something new Spring has planned for her.

****

When Haley expected something new, She didn't mean new 'new' like a new person but new as in something exciting like a freshly arrived parcel from the shop she ordered online, or perhaps a new conditioner that makes her hair bounce and makes it shinier that Yoba could mistake it as the sun. 

Her expectations were already at rock bottom with Pelican Town being the dullest place on earth.

But why oh why did she even bother to expect?

"The new farmer's coming today, just so you know," Emily casually mentions as she washed their dishes that morning.

Haley scrunched up her face. She had already forgotten about it. Why bring it up again?

"Oh, goody. Another reason to avoid the Townsquare today."

Emily turned to her with her typical condescending look she learned to hate. "Hay, you don't have to become BFFs with her right off the bat. Just say hello and try not to be your usual mean self. You'll thank me later."

"And I don't have to introduce myself within the day, Em." Haley crossed her arms, standing her ground. "This is no classroom where you need to acquaint the new kid on her first day." 

"I know." She sighed as if she was having a conversation of repetition with a toddler and she's running out of patience. "Just be nice to her, yeah?"

Haley didn't answer. With camera tucked carefully between her hands, she left the kitchen without a word. Emily never fails to make her feel like a child being taken care of by her. Like she's in dire need of a babysitter and without her guidance, Haley would be nothing.

It's infuriating really. 

No. 

She wouldn't let this ruin her day.

Today was going to be a good day. Emily's incessant nagging couldn't change that. Besides, she probably wouldn't even meet the new farmer. It was already past 10, and the girl was most likely already mingling with the locals or resting in that old cottage of hers.

She can still take pictures back in Marnie's ranch. then she can hang out with Alex in his place. Go back home exactly during Emily's shift on the Saloon and then she'll have the whole house to herself while she can finally cook something edible without Emily breathing down her neck.

Yes, that would be ideal. Today is a good day.

****

Wrong.

Just as Haley stepped foot outside 2 Willow Lane, she was greeted by a tall, unfamiliar woman strolling by her house at an infuriatingly slow pace.

You held a whole map of what she assumed was the town's which was big enough to hide your whole face, and as well as hinder your vision to notice Haley on the side, much to her relief.

Are you the new girl?

All that she can tell is that you have the darkest hair she has ever seen in her whole life. It was shiny, and ridiculously long, too which kinda compliments its wavy nature. 

Also, why the hell are you in a dress shirt and a tie?

Haley may be a bit far behind the books but she's sure as hell that isn't the right attire for someone who'll work on a farm.

If Haley didn't know Lewis is the mayor, she'd probably think you're the new mayor with your totally immaculate wardrobe— a dress shirt and a tie, perfectly flattened slacks, and a pair of leather shoes that probably look expensive.

Shit. Are you really the farmer? Or just a visitor?

Oh, no. Are you turning around? Oh, Yoba, she is!

Haley scrambled to her feet. Not sure if she should bolt inside the house, run to the Townsquare, or what. 

With her probably last brain cell that saves her from the utter embarrassment of being caught checking out the new farmer (absolutely not, the disgrace), her own body moves on its own. She grabbed her camera and positioned herself like she was taking a photo of the least appealing subject she had ever captured in her life— Emily's cactus.

Please not now, Yoba. Not now.

She found herself praying to the deities she no longer talked to when she felt your eyes burning into her back. She had probably taken a load of mediocre photos of Emily's plant when she finally felt the farmer leaves.  

She breathed a sigh of relief when she turned around and found the street empty apart from her. Only then did she notice how fast her heart was beating against her chest.

Thank Yoba for saving me from that mortifying introduction.

Why is she even nervous anyway? She didn't even see me. Even so, that was so embarrassing.

Wait, no.

Embarrassed, not nervous.

Only embarrassed, nothing else.

The word nervous and Haley doesn't fit. In fact, it should never ever be used in a single sentence. Haley doesn't get nervous, ever.

She was just caught off guard, that's all. 

Next time, she'd prepare an introduction so fantastic that you would be left with the impression that Haley is too good for you— kind and never mean, but still way out of your league.

Just you wait, stranger. She thought determinedly, trying to ignore the voice at the back of her head that sounded suspiciously like Emily, asking her if she was really sure it was going to be a good day.

Haley doesn't really know.

****

"Did you meet Y/n?" was Emily's first words when she arrived home from her shift.

Haley remained sprawled on the couch, flipping through the pages of her fashion magazine for this season. The struggle was real, trying to choose between the blue skirt or the pink shorts.

"Who?" she asked, her eyes still glued to the glossy pages.

"The farmer, Hay." She can feel Emily rolling her eyes at her.

"Oh," Haley feigns interest, barely lifting her gaze. "That not-so-tall, dark-haired farmer with a fashion taste of an old woman ready to retire from her corporate job?"

Emily gasped, and Haley turned to look just in time to see her scandalized look. To be fair, you don't look that bad. You also tower over Haley for a couple of inches and your fashion sense isn't the worst that she has seen in her life. Haley wouldn't be caught alive admitting that aloud though, especially not in front of Emily.

Lies are an easier language to learn after all.

"Don't tell me you just insulted her on her first day?"

"Of course not." Haley protested, magazine long forgotten. "I saw her but I didn't even talk to her nor she even tried. The doofus was so busy with her stupid map to even see me."

Looking back at the scene made her feel embarrassed, relieved, and offended at the same time.

Like how could you not notice a true beauty in front of you? Her face alone was enough to catch the attention of all the people in the area. She's not crowned flower queen for nothing yet you just walked passed her like she's just an average woman!

How dare she?

But on the side, it would have been embarrassing otherwise for Haley to be caught alive staring at the newcomer with wonder in her eyes.

Would anyone really blame her though? It was perfectly natural to size up the competition in terms of beauty.

Right?

Right?

And it's not like she noticed how broad your shoulder was or how your lean physique perfectly suited your chosen profession. Not at all, pft.

"Still, you could have said hello," Emily tries to reason with her, oblivious to the internal conflict turning on the gears of Haley's brain. 

"Why should I? I'm not the new girl, aren't I?" She shrugged indifferently, turning back to her mag once again. "And what kind of lame name is Y/n, anyway?"

"Haley." There's that tone again.

"What?" she snapped.

"Don't even start. Y/n is actually nice." Emily chided softly, her eyes boring into Haley's like a disappointed mother. "You said it yourself, this isn't high school anymore. Being mean doesn't get you anywhere."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Haley bristled at the insinuation, standing up to face Emily with a fierce expression. "Are you saying I'm directionless just because you have a job, and I don't?"

"I'm saying that being kind is always the right choice," Emily's calmness only fueled the anger she felt. "And trust me, it doesn't cost you anything to be nice to someone. But being mean can cost you more than you think."

Haley remained tight-lipped, not wanting to argue with her sister anymore. Emily seemed to mistake her silence for compliance.

"I'm just trying to look out for you, okay? Sorry if I came on too strong," Emily consoled her, giving her a pat on the head. "I'm off to bed now, gotta wake up early tomorrow. Goodnight, sis."

As Emily headed off to bed, Haley was left to ponder the events of the day—

No fantastic photos in Marnie's ranch because the nasty smell of animal waste was enough to drive her back to her entry steps, and the risk of running across the new farmer is greater there so, no.

As for Alex, forget it, she didn't have the stomach to endure his stench after playing with his ball all day. Her only option was to head back home.

Emily left early which is a good thing but when Haley went to the kitchen to finally practice her baking skills, she only found out that they had no more eggs. She could have run to Pierre's to get some but she isn't really keen on doing the shopping herself. That's Emily's forte, not hers.

And now, she's been lectured by her sister like she's some rebelled teen.

What a good way to start the year, huh?

Yeah, today is not a good day. 

****

Spring 2

Haley was out with her camera in Cindersap Forest just by the river. Unlike yesterday, it seems Marnie was just as bothered by the smell of her animals and decided to deep clean her ranch or whatever. So, the air was fresh and crisp, allowing Haley to breathe deeply without cringing.

The weather was ideal for taking photos— partly cloudy with a gentle breeze that carried delicate flecks of pollen through the air.

Despite her aversion to dirt and anything that possibly has germs in it, Haley loved taking pictures of nature. Behind the camera lens, she felt a profound connection to the world around her. She was in her element, lost in her own world, and nothing else mattered. Once she found the perfect subject, she was determined to capture it, no matter how dirty or injured she might become.

At this time of the year, the river looked especially magnificent in the soft light, and the falling pollen added a magical touch to the already enchanting scenery.

Just as Haley was about to snap the perfect shot, she heard a little squeak that was impossible to ignore. She turned her head to locate the source and was delighted to discover a...

Squirrel!

The little creature was the cutest thing she had ever seen, second only to the bunnies she had spotted at Marnie's ranch last year.

Haley raised her camera, ready to capture the moment forever. As if sensing her intent, the little guy let out another adorable squeak before darting off toward the deeper part of the forest where the weird old guy with the tower lived. She hesitated for a moment, wondering if it was worth it to follow the squirrel, but her impulsive nature won out in the end.

With ragged breath and hair slightly disheveled, Haley finally caught up to the squirrel. And then, as if time had stopped, she stumbled upon a sight that took her breath away.

There you are, the farmer— Y/n, she reminded herself, with your back hunched over as you fed the little guy a handful of wild walnuts that you had foraged from the forest.

No longer did you look like the poised and polished woman in your dress shirt, tie, and slicked-back hair. Instead, you wore a well-worn jumper over a faded farmer's shirt, with your hair loosely tied up in a haphazard ponytail. 

You looked... different.

It was as if you belonged in this community far more than Haley ever could.

Maybe it's the clothes, or maybe it's the way the little squirrel was so comfortable in your presence.

Before she knew it, Haley's body moved on its own, and she instinctively raised her camera to capture the moment. It was a picture-perfect moment that spoke to her soul, one that was raw, genuine, and brimming with vulnerability.

For years she hadn't seen something as picturesque and just raw and so vulnerable as this.

Suddenly, you whirled on your spot with wide eyes.

Wide, so gray, very surprised gray eyes, and your just as dark eyebrows rose so high it disappeared behind a thin curtain of bangs. The little squirrel darted behind a bush in fright, startled by the sudden flash of Haley's camera.

It felt like ages before Haley's fried brain decided that maybe it was time to finally move and stop making a fool out of herself for the second time around. You are just as frozen, your hands still holding three walnuts suspended in midair.

"Uhm," you started, voice soft and hesitant. Finally standing from your place, Haley could just stare at how tall you are in this proximity. You let out a small smile. "You're the girl with the camera yesterday, right?"

Haley could only nod. The words dying on her tongue. Her brain is still short-circuiting in all ways possible. 

"Oh..." Haley breathes out, her heart racing as she takes in the sight before her. "You're that new farmer girl or whatever, aren't you?"

Just how the hell did the gray get so green though? She wonders as your eyes bore into her with piqued curiosity. Was it the lighting and the green scenery that did it?

Good Yoba.

Is it possible for someone to be blessed with a nose this fine, so shapely up close? And don't even get her started on how a farmer could have such luscious, shiny hair when Haley has to spend hours just to get that shine and bounce that she likes.

What kind of mouth is that even? It's so small yet so plump. It doesn't look chapped though. You don't seem to be a lip gloss type, so you must be using chapstick regularly. That's good.

And wait, were you talking?

"Huh?" she mutters to herself, catching herself from zoning out once again. "Oh... I'm Haley." She manages to respond in what little she had caught up from your ramblings. 

She only understands the word grandpa, Zuzu City, Y/n, and new. 

You smiled and that's all that it took for the accumulating embarrassment to flush on Haley. It was too bright, too happy, too much and Haley couldn't handle all that.

For the first time, she's at loss for words, flustered, and was that her being nervous? 

In a desperate attempt to regain control, Haley shook her head vigorously, hoping to shake off the ridiculous embarrassment that was consuming her.

And what does Haley do when things don't go her way?

She sabotages.

So, it wasn't a surprise when Haley's mouth opened and the next words that came out were ones she never intended to say. It was a defense mechanism, a way to push people away before they could hurt her.

"If it weren't for those horrendous clothes, you might actually be pretty," she blurted out, regretting it as soon as the words left her lips.

Your smile evaporated in a split second and Haley almost missed it immediately.

Almost.

"Excuse me?" You looked offended, and Haley could easily admit that she didn't like your eyes when they were darkened like this. 

"Actually, never mind." She replied, steady and fast. Hoping the farmer didn't really hear her stupid comment. 

Just what the hell is wrong with me anyway?

You pursed your lips and went silent for a second or two as you turned and rummaged on your rucksack which Haley hadn't noticed before. "Here," you held out a freshly picked daffodil, and Haley almost swooned. Almost.

Her lips parted in a soft gasp. "For me?"

"Hmm. It kinda looks like you." 

Haley's lips curved into a small smile. "Thank you."

You hummed in acknowledgment, but you didn't return the smile. Had Haley gone too far with that comment earlier?

Haley rarely feels guilty. She always tells herself that she doesn't have anything to apologize for. Her parents didn't, so why should she?

But right now, that dreadful feeling came resurfacing. It's suffocating. 

The silence is suffocating.

"It's my grandpa's." After what seemed like forever, you turned to her with a small, almost nostalgic smile. You must have noticed Haley's questioning look. "These clothes are his," you clarified. "I moved here with nothing but myself after I decided spontaneously that I can't live a life as I had in Zuzu's." You gave out a low chuckle.

Oh.

That's why you looked like that yesterday. It makes sense now. The guilt now creeps on her like a palpable living force. Emily's words came echoing at the back of her mind.

Being mean can cost you more than you think.

The apology is at the tip of her tongue yet a small part of her, the mean one, kept telling her it was just a harmless comment and that she meant nothing of it. How could she know it was your grandpa's? Or that you suffered back in your old city and you're finding a fresh start here?

Because you didn't even give her a chance to know her before you judged her. This Emily conscience of hers is really starting to scare her. But she's right, she did judge you immediately. 

"I—"

"Sorry, I didn't mean to be so grim." There's that smile again. "Uhm, sorry to cut this short but" you stared at your watch. "I still have to tidy the farm up; you know it's not exactly the cleanest place right now. I just took a break to feed the little guy. I'll catch you later, Haley."

Haley didn't even have the chance to say goodbye.

Or even apologize.

She sighed as she watched you retreat back to your farm.

****

"How do you say sorry?" Haley asked hesitantly, her voice barely above a whisper. She never saw Emily abandon her sewing machine that fast. In record time, she sat beside Haley who chews her bottom lip, clearly troubled. She barely even touched her fruit salad and that's something.

"What did you do?" was her only question yet Haley found herself telling her sister everything. 

Yep, today isn't a good day, too.

~~~~

Previous

Next

A/n: had to delete the other one due to some minor changes again.

[kamidukki]

[AKNK] Berrien’s Daily Life Memories [BOX vol. 1]

[Note]

Long time no translate, so my skill gets a bit rusty.

The beginning of a day

(Yawns) My eyelids are still heavy… On such mornings, let’s have a cup of simple, plain tea, shall we?

(Inhales) How relaxing… There is something special about drinking tea while watching the sun rise.

Well then, now that I’ve felt refreshed, I have to go get ready to greet the Master.

Today, a new day has begun, hasn’t it? ♪

I want you to get well

Lono-kun, how have you been feeling physically?

[Lono: Oh, Berrien-san… Sorry that I’ve caught a cold.]

It’s fine, please just lie down.

[Lono: S-sorry…]

Do you have an appetite, Lono-kun? The truth is I cut up some oranges for you.

[Lono: Thank you so much. I’ll eat them. …Huh, their shape is…]

Correct. They’re rabbits. Don’t they look cute? I thought it’d make you happy.

[Lono: Happy you said… Ha ha, I’m not a child you know]

(Chuckles) But aren’t you laughing, Lono-kun?

[Lono: Of course, I am. Did you peel them for me, Berrien-san?]

I did♪ Thanks to that I was able to see your smile.

Looks like my efforts paid off♪

For other’s sake

Hmm~ I wonder what I should do for my day off today…

I was thinking about helping others, but…

“Get a proper rest on your day off at the very least!” was they told me instead.

(Chuckles) It seems like I’ve caused everyone concern.

But when I see someone in a trouble, there’s no I way I can just walk away.

[Ammon: Argh~! Cleaning this up is gonna be rough…]

Oh? Just now, I heard Ammon-kun’s voice…

He sounded in need of help. I shall go see him and lend my aid.

(Chuckles) As I thought, working for other’s sake suits my personality better♪

Bedtime routine

(Yawns) Now, let’s get some sleep… I’ve prepared tomorrow’s attire. Put the doll charm here, add the cologne on it… Done.

(Inhales) This scent gives my mind a sense of security, after all.

Tonight too, may I sleep in peace without having a nightmare...

Well then… Good night.

Overcoming fear of bugs

(Sighs) Even I know how pathetic it is... If my fear of bugs remains as is, the Master may think of me as an unreliable butler one day.

I have to get over this fear by any means… And for that reason…

First, I’ll start by familiarising myself with the bug encyclopaedia...

Ugh…! Gh… (heavy breathing)

Uh… it’s more realistic-looking than I thought…

I will stop here for today. Any more than this will probably hinder my works.

Ugh… I pray the bug pictures I saw just now won’t appear in my dream tonight…

On weapon handling

Haa~ today’s training is tough too…

That being said, compared to everyone else, I’ve become more accustomed to handling a weapon.

The first time I held this spear in my hand... Rather than swinging it, I felt like I was the one being swung by it.

…Now, I can handle it well, as though it’s a part of my body.

This must be the result of my daily training.

With this spear, I shall be able to protect the Master when necessity arises.

(Chuckles) Let’s keep on training for a bit more today, shall we?

Beloved Teacup

Ah… How did it come to this… For my beloved teacup to end up broken…

It’s been my favourite for a long time, what a shame…

Now that I think about it, this teacup holds a lot of memories... From the day I finally bought it, having been so taken with it at first sight in the shop... It is also with this teacup that I've tried out several new blends...

We spent teatime together each day...

Today, the time to say farewell has finally come. What a shame…

Goodbye, my teacup of memories…

Thank you for everything…

…

I can’t bear to throw everything away after all. At the very least, I shall keep the pieces.

Peaceful time

Ha~ the weather is great today.

Since it’s time for break, I might as well stroll in the garden.

Fu fu. It looks like Ammon-kun is working hard to take care of the flowers like usual.

On the other side is… Haures-kun, who is giving Lono-kun and the others a training.

Oh? Over there is… Oh my. Lamli-kun seems to be chased off by Nac-kun again.

(Chuckles) It's just the usual, peaceful, scenes of our daily life.

However… Until the angels come, it is a brief moment of peace.

Considering our battles, I value these moments even more.

May this time of peace continue for as long as possible...

Berrien’s Sigil

D-do you want to see the sigil on my body…?

[I want to see it]

…Understood. It’s a little embarrassing, but if that’s what the Master wishes…

Then, I beg your pardon, for I have to take off my tops…

…

Err, well…

If the Master would like to touch it, I also do not mind…?

A smile for you

Berrien Cliane is… a very kind-hearted butler.

Whenever I feel tired, he’d serve me a tea, all while giving me the soft smile of his.

[Berrien: Master, you seem tired. Be it unease or restlessness, I know it’s all difficult in more than one way. Even so... whenever that happens, please think of it this way. ‘Do I remember my grievances from a year ago? Or even ten?’ That’s right… most worries will be forgotten as the time goes. That’s why, Master, please show me your smile. Whenever you do, it brings me a sense of joy.]

[Thank you, Berrien.]

…While saying so, Berrien smiles at me like he always does.

When I'm with Berrien... a smile just naturally comes to me.

Berrien is… a gentle butler, who’s always there for me.

[dc-polls]

"That Really Happened?!" DC Comics Tournament Entry #34

Shvaughn/Sean

[ID: Cover of Legion of Super-Heroes #1 that says Young Romance. Shvaughn Erin cries into a handkerchief and says, "*choke* He spends so much time saving the world... When will he find time for me?" In the foreground Element Lad looks off into the distance. A narration box reads, "All my life, happiness eluded my grasp... and nothing I ever cared about lasted! Was this the way it had to be with Jan, too? The Elements of Heartbreak!" /END ID]

What Happened?

Shvaughn Erin was a member of the Science Police, the 30th-century cops who assisted (or hindered) the Legion of Super-Heroes. During the Paul Levitz/Keith Giffen run in the 1980s, she became romantically involved with Legionnaire Jan "Element Lad" Arrah. This upset some members of the Legion fan community who had a theory that Jan was gay. The character wasn't traditionally masculine, wore pink, and had curly blond hair (look, this just how gay coding worked in the 70s and 80s).

When Giffen and married couple Tom and Mary Bierbaum (who got their start in the Legion fan community) took over the title with 1989's vol. 4 (aka, the "Five Years Later" run), one of the things that Giffen wanted to do was kill off Shvaughn to establish Element Lad as gay. They were already using Jan's archenemy, the criminal Roxxas who years ago had genocided the rest of the his species, the matter-transmuting Trommites, as the villain for the first arc. Shvaughn was eventually spared this fate, but the writers still had to square the circle of why a "gay" character would be involved with a woman. Their solution? What if "she" was a "he?"

I'm going to try to explain the rest of this story in as sensitive a way as possible. This is a story that was written in 1992 by, as far as I know, three cishet people and your millage will vary (and as a cis person myself, I can't really speak to how well this holds up). I will generally be using she/her pronouns when the character is presenting as Shvaughn and he/him when presenting as Sean.

In Legion of Super-Heroes, vol. 4 #31, the Earth is recovering from the devastation of losing the moon due to the machinations of the alien Dominators who have infiltrated and subverted the planetary government (note also, the Dominators have an extremely problematic "yellow peril" design so there's a lot going on here). In the midst of this, Jan and Shvaughn meet for the first time in a while. Jan finds out that Shvaughn is going through withdrawal from not being able to obtain the drug Profem. She explains that she had been born male under the name Sean on a very conservative planet. While growing up, Sean developed a crush on Element Lad, who as a teenager was intergalactically famous as a member of the Legion. Thinking that the only way a boy like Jan would find him attractive, Sean started taking Profem, changed her name to Shvaughn, enrolled in the Science Police academy, and eventually became the liaison to the Legion. Now, without access to the drug, Shvaughn is reverting back to her more masculine appearance.

Jan takes all of this in, before telling his former lover that "anything we ever shared physically...it was in spite of the Profem, not because of it!" Shvaughn later runs into the teenage clone of Element Lad from the Dominator's Batch SW6 (we can't get into that right now), and in future appearances shows up fully presenting as masculine and going by Sean. The adult Element Lad goes into a coma and Sean is at his bedside.

Then the Legion gets rebooted in Zero Hour, all of the Legionnaires are teens again with new continuity, and Shvaughn (when she shows up at all) is back to presenting as female with no indication that she was ever Sean. Element Lad (unless I missed anything) is only given female love interests or sexual partners by later writers, or implied to be asexual with a spiritual bend.

While Shvaughn is far from the first female love interest who gets her storyline derailed to support a gay headcanon, it is surprising that it 1. happened in canon and 2. the solution was not to kill her off, but to reveal she is trans (ish?) so the character can detransition back to a man so that his love interest can be gay. What's really weird is that Giffen and the Bierbaums also made canon a romance between Light/Lightning Lass and Shrinking Violet, but never felt a need to invalidate their previous relationships with male partners, which maybe points towards the culture of the time's perceptions of male vs. female bisexuality.

--

Tournament polls will be posted after all entries are up. As always you can find all posts related to the tournament using #dc-polls-trh

[bubbelpop2]

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So I just had a really good conversation with Mom that I think I really needed to have

There's this really prevalent repeating pattern in me of like.. trying so so hard to function as a normal person. But I just like.. I don't have the tools that most other people have to be normal. It's so hard for me. Just like, being okay takes a lot of energy. And then on top of that, also trying to do normal people things like hygiene and eating and going to work and maintaining relationships and going to college and stuff-- doing those things is really hard. And I have this pattern where I try really hard for a really long time to be normal and be okay and then I just.. Crash and shut down and I can't talk to anyone or do anything for a long time, and I start dreading doing literally anything that takes energy to do. And that's happened over and over and over. And I'm just so caught up in being independent and trying to use sheer will and hard work to be normal that I just sort of.. really ignore the possibility that I need help. Because I know if I try hard enough I can do it.

But it's not like.. sustainable. And it's clear to me now that it's not sustainable. And if I could continue to pretend for the rest of forever that I'm normal and well adjusted without having any negative consequences, I would.

I tried really really hard at college. Twice. And I was good at it. I had perfect attendance and good grades and all of my professors really liked me, and I was doing so good. But I shut down, both times, because it was really hard. I'm really smart, and I've got so many creative ideas, and I've got so much skill and knowledge that's specific to me that I can't like.. utilize. Because whatever is going on with my brain makes me literally.. Disabled.

So I'm going with my mom to the mental health place tomorrow. I've had a really bad run with mental health institutions and professionals not really being able to help me or just basically scaring me into pretending to be neurotypical so I don't get locked up again. My last psychiatrist basically refused to medicate me because I smoked weed. My last case worker refused to help me get on disability because I didn't call her enough or rely on her enough emotionally. I don't need someone to wipe my ass and talk about my feelings with me, I need to have tools to just be able to be normal without having to put in so, so much effort. None of my therapists have really truly helped me as much as I needed, and I think I know why. Because no amount of introspection or talking about my feelings (which I have deep and intimate knowledge of, and know how to process on my own) is going to change the fact that there is something fundamentally hindering me in such a chemical, physical way that I can't function normally without using 200% of my brain power. Which I think is kind of why my headmates are becoming so prevalent, lately. Because I clearly can't just keep gritting my teeth and thugging it out without bad things happening to me. I've never even lied to my therapists, I just have nothing to talk about with them most of the time, because I process my mental problems so automatically and intrinsically and immediately that the presence of a therapist is basically like.. Useless. Because all of my problems stem from physical and chemical issues. Either from self care being nearly impossible when I shut down and I'm incredibly tired, or being manic and having a lot of trouble with sleeping, or interacting with people in public and being so high masking that it feels like every public experience leaves me very nervous for the next one or just entirely relieved that it's over-- I think it's pretty clear that I've got autism and manic depression. And I really really thought I could handle it. And I can, but I shouldn't have to tear myself apart and scrape my claws up the side of a cliff just to function normally. That's not normal. And it's not fair, either. I don't have the same tools as everybody else does to be normal and I know it's not my fault but I'm still so different. And I'm always gonna be different. And I've always been that way.

So anyways, I'm looking into exploring medication again. I kind of gave up after my last psychiatrist basically refused to treat me. But I'm gonna try again. I need support for when overstimulation or a depressive episode or a manic episode hits again. I've been so sick for so long that I just couldn't really imagine getting help.

I don't think a therapist is beneficial. Nobody can help me process my emotions better than I can, and I've already figured this out. But I really need to look into medication and insurance and disability again. No matter how much I want to be normal. I think I really gotta accept that that's just hard. And it's always gonna be hard.

[memoriapraeteritorumbonorum]

Waiting

Author's note: Something a little different for once. I've been going thru it lately and wanted to share a bit of the writing that came out of it :)

-

I’m just waiting for it to rain. Desperately.  

I want it to drown me. I wish for it to drown me all at once. 

I want to choke and squirm in its grip, but it won’t come to grab me. 

For I am not sure how much longer I will be able to withstand the pressure. 

Hands seem to grasp at me, left and right, pulling me into every direction under the sun. I can feel the pain in my head from where my hair is being pulled. Hair that I try to care for so lovingly, now tangled and limp. I can feel it around my neck, like a heavy iron cast being sealed into place for good, hindering me to speak up when I most desire to, hindering me to raise my head to look up at the sky. 

What difference would it make, I think to myself, it’s grey anyway. 

I can feel it in my eyes, where someone casts their palm over my face as to keep me shunned. I find myself praying they will just wipe my tears instead. That they will gaze upon me without malicious intent. But my visage is cold, never-ending streams of salt all dried up like a mask on my skin. Skin that seems to have forgotten the gentle caress of someone who harbours genuine sentiments. 

I can feel it on my shoulders. I wish I could scream, beg them to consider my physical strength — I cannot endure the weight. I will break. 

For the love of God, I will break.

I can feel it all over my back. Hunched over as I sit, trying to protect whatever part of me is still intact. Desperately shielding it from the world. 

I want to believe in miracles. There is good in this world, there has to be. I will only make it worse if I succumb to the pain. If I give in and let it devour me like vultures that have been preying long enough. Sometimes, I catch myself thinking about letting them have me. About their pointy beaks breaking my dried up skin. I wonder how painful it must feel, only for it to dawn on me that I probably wouldn’t feel anything, disfigured and drained as I am. 

I am unsure what it is I am holding out for, exactly. 

I lie awake at night, thoughts of death eating away at my insides until my heart cannot take it anymore. 

I want to be held. But whenever I am, I am horrified to realize that these thoughts do not vanish into nothingness the second I bury my face into your chest. 

Nobody ever taught me how to live like this. Nobody ever taught me what to do when confronted with death. What to do when nothing seems to quench its thirst, when everything leaves you bleeding with loneliness — the blood streaming through my veins is cold. I wonder how long it will take for me to freeze up from the inside. For me to cease to feel anything. 

How am I supposed to navigate with a compass that points anywhere but north? How am I supposed to stand up straight and look people in the eye, when every fiber of my being yearns for the chance not to be perceived. To be left alone in darkness, though secretly hoping someone out there detects my anguished screaming disguised as a radiant smile. 

I’m just waiting for it to rain. Desperately.  

I want it to drown me. I wish for it to drown me all at once. 

I want to choke and squirm in its grip, but it won’t come to grab me. 

[mrs-mquve]

So since my cough wasn’t getting any better, I went to an urgent care center here. They’re pretty sure I have bronchitis. They tested for Covid again just to be sure, the rapid test was negative and I’m waiting on the other test results.

I was surprised to get such good medical care this time because this area is pretty bad in that regard. I had tried my primary care office first - there are no doctors there, only nurse practicioners, and they can never seem to keep people, the one my husband and I had been seeing left just recently - and the person we spoke to didn’t even know what day it was. I told them when I was in the ER back home (June 28th), and she kept saying “You mean July 28th?” My husband tried to bite his tongue but ended up saying “JUNE 28th. July 28th hasn’t happened yet.” Yeah, I just hopped into my time machine and went down to the hospital. WTF??? They were only going to give me a video appointment anyway. I needed someone to physically see me. Why the freaking hospital couldn’t tell me I have bronchitis is betond me.

They couldn’t give me anything strong for my cough because of the mood stabilizer I take, and obviously I’d rather be coughing than screw up my mental health. They did give me an inhaler to use at night (that’s when the cough is worse). I didn’t actually end up using it last night, I passed out before I needed it, and I finally got a decent amount of sleep for the first time over a week.

I’m very weak and my back and midsection are so sore from coughing that I struggled to find a comfortable position to sleep in. This is probably not going to go away for another 2 weeks. I can’t have any dairy products because it will increase mucus production. Poor Chrono has been scared of my cough and my terrible voice, he’s been shy around me but he’s slowly getting used to it now.

Thankfully I don’t have any other symptoms, and it isn’t hindering my ability to occupy myself with the Internet and Sims projects. So it’s going to be a Bad Time, but such is life, it could be much worse.

[view-from-over-the-controller]

Half-Life 2 and Episodes 1&2 - Why 2023 is the best time to experience this masterpiece. 

Half-Life 2 and its episodes are a cult classic that I revisited in 2022, they are the cool older brother of the gaming industry, sometimes lost on modern gamers now due to their age. But when I picked up the orange box for Xbox 360 I didn't expect this perfect little collection of games to live up and almost point out the flaws of current video games as they did. They have a class about them, a poise, a nuance that makes them feel utterly distinct. 

Much like the cool older brother they have “lived” they have this mystery and status that makes you wish you were there in their hay day, but have a level of care and attention in their design that makes them some of the greatest games that have ever been made. 

In this blog, I will break down how the Gameplay, Story, Atmosphere, and creative freedom make these games just a must-play even 18 years plus after their release!

“Pick up that can” - Gameplay

Possibly the most surprising thing to me when I re-acquainted myself with this masterpiece was the gameplay. The last time I played Half-Life 2 was an era ago when I would sit in my tiny gaming dungeon of a room and wait patiently as the loading screens buffered on my original Xbox! Since then most of the quaint pieces of gameplay had slipped away from my memory as it had been so long. So when I entered into some of these fantastic moments, now flawlessly loading on the Xbox Series X and with some all-time great games under my belt I was invigorated by how much this game stands out to this day as an example of fantastic and intuitive gameplay. 

Physics are are the heart of these games, they are often referred to as a tech demo with a story and the use of these is constantly engaging and makes for some really memorable moments that stand out now against modern games. You are often presented with a scenario that feels like walking into a room with a set of tools hanging on the wall and everything you would need to use them on sprawled out on the floor. Moments that exemplify this are where you are hindered and need to find out via the use of physics how to get yourself to where you need to go. 

As opposed to the more modern takes like Breath Of The Wild where you are literally put into a room with the available tools in the shrines, or God Of War where things at times feel inorganic and forced (you are Kratos why can't you just smash through it?) Half-Life organically places you into scenarios that are obstacles and puzzles but also tutorials and feel like realistic barriers that require problem-solving. 

Such as putting bricks on one side of a see-saw-like plank so that you can use it as a ramp, or using buoyant barrels to fill an underwater crate to rise a platform. Later in the game and into the two episodes the gravity gun opens up so many fantastic and engaging ways to work out how to fix problems like when you can shunt a car into a hole at the top of burrows to stop the Antlion enemies from crawling up out of it. But what makes the physics-based puzzles so fantastic is their variety, their pacing and placement, and that they feel less intentional to get more hours out of the game but genuine obstacles for you to get through to get to where you are going. The tools are often laid in front of you but in a more experimental, do-it-yourself way, you can certainly see how these fed into Portal, utterly brilliant. 

Another thing I must mention before we move on from gameplay is the plethora of weapons that Half-Life offers you as a player and how they not only have a distinct feel but also affect how refreshing and engaging the gameplay feels. The guns are super varied, from the zombie smashing shotgun to the hard-hitting Combine pulse rifle with its ultra satisfying reload animation where tiny spider-like robotic arms discharge and replace the ammo pouches, and a secondary fire that shoots an energy ball that bounces around the room and vaporizes any enemy it comes into contact with. But each weapon doesn't just offer a different means to destroy but a different strategy, Caught in sniper fire? Use cover and sneak up and throw a grenade into where they are. Facing a lot of zombies? Run away through an alley with a gas leak and use the pistol to ignite the flames and watch them burn away! Strider waltzing around laying waste to you and your freedom-fighting pals? Use a rocket launcher and a healthy dose of cover! Antlions burrowing from the floor fly aggressively at your face? Use the ant lion pouch from a queen and they become your new minions to pile into unsuspecting Combine troops. 

Lastly, the gravity gun is the perfect example of how a weapon can be a gameplay tool, use it to pick up objects and smash them into the Combine. Or zombies, or Zombine! Use it to move supplies from unreachable places into your hands, use it to move turrets that are pelting you, Or when supercharged use it to literally grasp the very physical being of your enemies and toss them into each other, or better yet the abyss of the citadel. The gravity gun is one of the most diverse weapons in any game I have ever played, Offering a means to overcome obstacles and puzzles, but also cleverly use it to attack enemies with projectiles! Whatever the weapon the joy of using any of the ones given to you in Half-Life is that there is rarely a moment that they don't also offer you the opportunity to use your ingenuity and find clever means to make them the most lethal, and fun they can be!

“The right man in the wrong place can make all the difference in the world” - Story

Half-Life and its episode's narratives on the surface are about a struggle against a brutal enemy, to bring down an overarching power as a rebellion. To fight Stormtrooper-like enemies and bring down the greater evil that controls them. But before you walk through a crowd of people and are awarded a medal of honor from the alliance, that you hopefully donate to the Wookie that accompanied you along the way, you should realize that this is more than a battle against a cackling Sith lord in a hood but a visceral tale of control, totalitarianism, loneliness, humanity, hope, and desperation that I believe especially now strikes a powerful cord. 

In the wake of the Black Mesa incident, the combine is now almost in full control of the human race, but rather than a swift obliteration there is something more desperate and demoralizing happening, humans are in a suppression field that stops them from breeding. They are under lockdowns in numbered cities being fed on repeat the words of Dr. Breen, a voice that seems to have the feeling of something that is trying to offer you comfort but there is a disconnect, the feeling that although his words are presented in a manner of assurance that there is something just not right, and leaves you with a feeling of unease. 

His echoing words saying, “Welcome to city 17, it’s safer here” then later justifying the current state of goings on and the suppression field in a long speech answering a concerned citizen that had written to him which included disconcerting comments like, “Do our benefactors really know what's best for us? What gives them the right to make this kind of decision for all mankind?”, “Our true enemy is instinct, inseparable from instinct is its dark twin superstition, instinct is inexplicably bound to unreasoning impulses, instinct has just become aware of its irrelevance, and like a cornered beast it will not go down without a bloody fight. It must be fought tooth and nail, beginning with the basest of human urges: the urge to reproduce. We should thank our benefactors for giving us respite from this overpowering force. The suppression field will be shut off the day that we have mastered ourselves. And that day of transformation, I have it on good authority is close at hand”

Although I have abbreviated Dr. Breen's words I believe even here there is enough to unpack, the combine are a disconcerting and mysterious entity, they wish to remove instinct and combine people into subservience, they do this by keeping people scared and forcefully policed. But they also apply further means to shatter the human spirit, keep people moving, and keep people confused and lonely, the people you first meet at the train station echo this, the woman waiting for her husband who she was separated from during the stopping of a train, the man who warns you off the water, “They put something in it, to make you forget, I don't even remember how I got here.” and a man pacing in anxiety about the trains explaining, “They are always departing but they never leave, there always full but no one ever gets on” all of this confusion caused by the combines clever schemes to sever what I believe is the most important human need, connection. One of the ultimate forms of that is sex and the ability to reproduce. Humans are being “Humanely” culled by the suppression field.

The combine are a powerful, intimidating force that makes people submissive through fear, now before I get all “does any of this remind you of the world you're living in now” I will say that Half-Life's story is a sight grimmer than the current state of the world we live in, but the removal of individuality, the lean towards subservience, the use of harsh physical fear inducing policing to establish control, and the voice of a man in a suit in control of where you reside telling you everything is okay but there is just that feeling of mistrust like he’s leading you in a direction that is in no way beneficial to you but certainly to him and his “benefactors” do all in some way make me feel a little uneasy about my own reality and I think that alone is a powerful thing for a video game to evoke in someone. 

But what the story of half-life also does is highlight something that I certainly believe in and that is the unbreakable human spirit. Instinct is the very deep biological call that makes us question the uncomfortable and rise up against it. It's the feeling that calls you to remove yourself from situations that feel wrong. Even if it's that time you're offered a cigarette for the first time and your heart sinks and you think, I shouldn't be doing this. Gordon Freman embodies this, not only for the humans but for the Vortagons too, he is this silent anomaly, that finds a way no matter the situation of force against him, he is the guiding light you play as and every individual fighting the good fight against this suppression rallies behind him and gets to bask in his “freedom” the “free man”. The supporting cast are brilliantly written characters that fight with an upbeat and at times comedic energy against this seemingly unbeatable, unrelenting enemy with limitless resource. Alyx particularly has a great aura, a cheekiness, and slight air of flirtation, but also a childlike nature to her that makes her character particularly lovable, seeing her react to her father or dog is heartwarming, and her mischievous nature showing in excellent moments like when the lights cut out and she makes a zombie noise and laughs as you rush to turn your torch on worried you have unwelcome company but its really just her. 

Each character in halflife and its episodes which are mostly solitary games manages to have genuine feeling and is really well delivered in the moments they get to shine, even Dr. Breen as an antagonist is perfectly performed and used in the narrative. They all add to the great storytelling and they all really motivate you to fight for the people around you, for freedom, and against those who seek to quell it. 

Lastly like with any great storytelling, there is almost more mystery to half-life than there is revealed to you, who are the benefactors? What happened during the seven-hour war? How did Gordon get to city 17? Who is and what are the motives of the Gman?.......................................

{Fades to black} - *A Man in a dark suit approaches with slightly of center, but piercing turquoise eyes*

“Rise and shine…….rr, reader of this blog, Rise and shine! Not that I wish to imply you have been… sleeping on this read. No one is more deserving of a rest. All the effort in the world to understand would have gone to waste until….well, let's just say your time to continue reading has….. come again”

“Welcome…Welcome to city 17” - Atmosphere

The penultimate and perhaps to me most important part of this piece is about the atmosphere, Half-life has a near unexplainable magic in its atmosphere. Not only the source engine itself seems to carry this feeling but the sound effects and music do too. This is that of an eerie almost alien feel. Like you are being watched, but also alone. It's powerful, the sense of being disconnected with what is going on around you but also being intrinsically linked to everything around you as the protagonist. 

The sounds of this game are so distinct, from the distant monotone robotic overlord voice echoing throughout the streets of city 17, to the sounds of the Combine's muffled voices behind their gas masks and the loud flat line as they die, the hissing of Headcrab's, the guttural moaning of the zombies that sound not only terrifying but also like they are suffering, the thundering, alien but yet mechanical moan of a strider, the hum of the gravity gun, the slight tinniness to the sound of anything being moved as if the sounds were recorded in a vast empty room. There is something individual about all of it, but there is a near indescribable nuance that seems to spread between the music and sounds that mirror that feeling of something Alien, of being watched, of being alone, a feeling of despair but also a feeling of hope and at times a sense of calm. Later games like The Last Of Us combine these feelings also but what makes half life special in comparison to The Last Of Us is that it manages to add that spooky otherworldly feel into that mix also. 

A great example of this that I must highlight is the moment when you are under a bridge high above some water and there are these broken metal rails that loosely connect in a platforming section to the other end. As you begin to cross the song “Lab Practicum” plays, this song is filled with preternatural noises and a gong-like synth combined with the whistling wind hits you. (GO ahead and give it a listen) It is a stop-and-stare moment that along with the platforming, the metallic sounds of Gordons feet hitting the metal rails between jumps, and the intense rattle as one of the mysterious trains plows overhead, this is the most “Half-life” feeling moment I can possibly describe from the game. In my opinion, it connects with that part of us, that 6th sense or that “feeling” you get. I will now just place a couple of quotes below I found on the youtube link to this song that not only illustrates how this same piece connected with others but that they also tap into this “feeling” it gives them. All of these games throughout leave you with moments of this. It's just fantastic. 

“This song makes me feel like there is something important I have forgot but I don't know what”

“This song feels like wanting to go home, but knowing there is no home”

“The only way I can describe this is, it's not depressing but just feels like eternal loneliness”

“The Abyss stares back”

Lastly, in this section about the fantastic atmosphere of these games, I must quickly tip my hat to a certain section of Half-Life 2 and that is Ravenholm. As a kid I think Ravenholm was the first time alongside my lifelong best friend that I truly felt fear, the game forces you through this area after cruelly building it up with the chapter name “We don’t go to Ravenholm”. This area is completely overrun by zombies and turns the game from a puzzle shooter to a horror game just for this segment, it's dark, gloomy, and full of zombies old and new. Especially the “Runner” zombies with their distant echoing howls, as opposed to the usual moans of the slower zombies they are particularly terrifying as they sprint on all fours at you and squeal aggressively as they lunge at you. The mood and general ambiance of the zombie-riddled wasteland give this area a distinct and horrific feel. But what I really want to highlight is the first moment you lay eyes on Ravenholm as I feel like with the bridge that this is a seminal moment.

The broken sign lays before you in white block caps you read “RAVENHOLM” and there is a tree with the bottom half of a body strung up on it swaying gently. The feeling of this area is just so eerie and you just have that awful gut check as you gaze upon this obvious and harrowing obstacle in your way and think to yourself “Nope”. This section is an example of how these games throughout the main and episodes flip the script, put you into different scenarios, from the citadel to the outposts, to city 17 and they all have a distinct, interesting, and memorable feel, but what is magic is that those feelings being watched but also being alone, those “spooked hairs on your neck stand up and you check behind you but no one is there” feelings are particularly special and something truly worth experiencing.

“This is the Freeman. The Combines reckoning has come” - Creative freedom

My final reason that I think that these games scratch the “Man this is a great video game and I am thoroughly enjoying myself” itch so well in 2023 and beyond is the feeling of freedom this game has. In a world where movies/games/media feel like it's rinsed dry and has no end in sight this game has a real refreshment to it. As Disney descends back down the hill to the skinny malnourished Star Wars cow, to give her yet another milk to package up and sell to us again, I personally feel a tiredness, a slog that feels like “Create, consume, create, consume” with characters being brought back that stood alone as excellent stories to be given more context and back story, that in my opinion detracts from one of the greatest things about storytelling, Mystery! Now Mos Isely cantina feels like a school reunion as you can probably name 90% of the characters in there and explain how they are all linked when, to begin with, it was this murky bar with strange and fantastic creatures drawing your eye and filling you with wonder. 

Despite standouts like God Of War or Last of Us franchises that go back to the cow and find a new udder with perhaps even tastier milk than the first, Games feel to me like they are restricted like they need to only go back to the safe, and familiar ground but feel like they are under pressure from external forces to ensure they tick political boxes and comply, to market well or be seen to fit in. Which I think in certain circumstances makes them come across as pieces of art made by people who don't really “love” what they are making. They are often filled with obvious and tiresome tutorials and safe narratives. Although I am fully confident that games will continue to be amazing works of art, they definitely feel like they are products more than art at times now. Narrative games releasing with skins you can change the main character to if you purchase them. These kinds of things can make them lose that special magic. 

Half-life is free of this, you can tell there is true craftsmanship behind each moment. That the people that made this game really cared about it, they cared about the narrative, the characters, the world, and the setting, and really cared about keeping this game mysterious. Half-life features a diverse cast of characters that don't feel deliberate but natural. Its narrative is about oppression, humanity, and hope. But none of it feels like it is trying to make a political statement, of course, all art derives from life, but you can tell it's from a time when people were not scrutinizing it because of social issues, and it is just a piece of art. It's a strange mysterious game full of fantastic fun, that shows you where to go without a mini-map and a curser ahead of you, it guides you without words. Silent tutorials like walking up and seeing a flammable barrel and ahead of you a slippery surface leading to the tongues of aliens that you get caught in and they pull you into their mouths above, so you throw the barrel down first and shoot it as it ascends and blow them all up. It gives you problems and the tools without a prompt appearing saying “Barrels can be used to blow enemies up if shot”. Its design does this for you, it makes you think but gives you the tools to work out problems as I mentioned earlier. This along with its narrative that is in my opinion about highlighting that gut “Feeling” of “this isn't right” and ensuring you fight against it makes these games feel so special, especially now. 

These games have a freedom, a narrative that doesn't need explaining because you are supposed to wonder, to question why? I don't think you are ever supposed to really know what's happening. We don't really deep down know why we are what we are as humans, or what is beyond? Or what was before? But like Gordon here we are in this moment, faced with it all, with near no explanation and we may as well pick up a crowbar and follow our feelings and do what we can do help do what we can to feel free. They feature gameplay that promotes being inquisitive and finding a way to move beyond your current obstacle where you can tell the developers care about every moment you find yourself in. There is magic in their atmospheres that evokes so many feelings. They are the foundation from which so many fantastic games have drawn from. They have a timelessness that makes them seminal and so very playable now. They are masterpieces and I belive that the reasons above should give you the motivation to grab yourself the orange box and fire up a console or jump on steam and give these games a playthrough in 2023. if you're lucky it’ll be your first playthrough or if not like me last year give them another whirl and enjoy the nostalgia trip as perhaps you will find the experience, “Freeing”.  

{Your eyes blur as if reality is crashing all around you, a man in a suit approaches again}

“Time…….. Is it really that time again? It seems as if you have only just arrived. You have read a great deal in this short timespan, You've done so …. Well in fact, that I have received some interesting offers for your services, ordinarily I wouldn't contemplate them. But these are …….. Extraordinary times.”

[demonsonthemoon]

Lick the Sweetness Off my Fingers (And I'll Be Grateful)

Fandom: Our Flag Means Death Pairing: Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet Word Count: 1022 Rating: Gen Summary: "Stede, mate, if you're asking me to act like I'm a dog, I'm gonna need to be on my knees for it. Can't see myself getting into character otherwise.” Stede suggests a new game. Ed is wary at first, until he finds the appeal. Notes: Late fill for Day 17 of OFMDKinktober - Pet play.

Read it on AO3.

Taking his clothes off feels weird, when he knows that Stede is going to stay dressed. With anyone else, in any other circumstance, it would feel like submission – the violent kind, the one that welcomes pain, demands it. The sea is well aware that Ed has indulged in that kind of play before. He could ask it of Stede, probably, if he wanted to. He doesn't want to. He wants to learn new things. Soft things. He's endlessly fascinated by the curiosity Stede manages to awaken in him and ready to be taught new tricks.

Doesn't mean it doesn't feel weird, though.

If he were a lesser man, Ed might admit to being a little scared. Blackbeard doesn't feel fear though. He certainly doesn't feel afraid of stripping in front of the man he loves.

(If fear there is – and Ed won't ever admit it – it's not about the clothes at all. Stede had said he could keep them on if he'd prefer. It might hinder his movement some, but it wouldn't be much of an issue.

If fear there is, it's about the way Stede had asked, carefully, if Ed wanted to try a new game.

Kind of like dressing up. Pretending to be someone else.

You can be carefree for a while. Playful. As physically affectionate as you want. You won't have to think.

The fear is because Stede had offered so many sweet things and Ed can't bear the thought that they might be taken away. He's never been allowed to keep good things for long.

The fear is because it might Ed's own fault again if he doesn't get this. Stede is offering, is guiding him through the steps, but Ed might mess it up. Or it might be like the Prussians all over again, something Ed thinks he wants, until all he can taste in his mouth is ash.)

He takes off the last of his clothing, drop his soft shirt inelegantly on top of a pile of leather. It's not cold, perk of the fireplace in Stede's cabin, but Ed still shivers.

“We don't have to do this. It's supposed to be fun.”

Ed nods at Stede's words. He knows this. He's not scared.

He slowly lowers himself to his knees.

(Stede had told him he didn't need to do that either.

I'm not sure it's best for your knee. I wouldn't want you to injure yourself just to indulge this silly little idea of mine! I guess we could still do it without you kneeling but, really, you don't have to, let's just pretend I didn't say anything-

Stede might have babbled on and talked himself out of the whole thing without any input from Ed if the latter hadn't interrupted him.

Stede, mate, if you're asking me to act like I'm a dog, I'm gonna need to be on my knees for it. Can't see myself getting into character otherwise. I guess you'll just have to give me a massage afterwards.

The way Stede had smiled at that had been so bright Ed had been afraid he was going to start crying. He couldn't make sense of how much Stede enjoyed taking care of him. He tried his best to deserve it despite that.)

“There you are.”

Ed had been busy looking down at his own hands on the floor, taking in his new position and how he feels about it, but he looks up at Stede's words.

He's unprepared for the way Stede runs a hand through his hair, casual, easy, sweet. “Good boy,” he says before biting down on a self-conscious smile. Ed loves him.

Ed loves him.

The words stay stuck in his throat and shame rises in their stead until Ed remembers that he doesn't have to speak. It's the whole point of what they're doing. The realisation feels like a stone has been lifted away from his mind, freeing up a new path for him to run down.

He pushes his head into Stede's hair while holding eye contact. The way Stede's breathing stutters before he grins makes Ed think he might have gotten his point across.

It feels good.

(What's in it for you though? Do we fuck at the end?

Stede had gone beet red at the suggestion, which Ed had affectionately thought was ridiculous considering he was the one who asked if Ed could get naked and act like a dog.

Well, no- I mean... We could, if you want to. But it doesn't have to be sexual. It's just supposed to make you feel good.

Ed had raised an eyebrow, unimpressed. That still hadn't answered his initial question.

Really, Edward, is it so hard to believe that I would do something just because I think it might make you happy?

Yes, Edward hadn't answered, holding himself carefully still around the silence on his tongue. Stede had started his sentence lofty but had quickly run out of steam.

I just like it when you- You've been so busy what with the last raids and I- I miss-)

Stede is kneeling on the floor next to him, scratching the back of his skull and Ed is letting out a steady whine of appreciation. When Stede pulls his hand away, Ed growls, pushing his head back against the other man's fingers. Stede starts laughing and Ed feels warm from head to toe. It fills him up until it seems he will die if he can't let it out, and so he tackles Stede, using his forearms to push him back onto the floor. Stede keeps laughing. Ed can feel himself grinning, but even that isn't enough, he's about to burst, so he leans down and licks a broad stripe from Stede's neck to his temple.

That earns him a sputter, then Stede's hand is swatting at his face, pushing him away, but there's no force behind the gesture. It's all just play.

Ed buries his face in the crook of Stede's neck, shaking with joy. He's surprised by the whine he lets out as Stede closes an arm around him.

He stays where he is.

It feels safe.

[andtruelovewaitseng]

J A N U A R Y !

What did God do this month?

I have been living in Hawaii for a month now in YWAM KONA... and it is not until the end of this first month that I realize that this whole season seems to be a great answer to many prayers I have made throughout my life to past moments of suffering, it is finally that moment I have been looking for, a moment to be okay.

I was coming out of one of the heaviest panic episodes of my life that lasted from April until the end of October. I have a hard time making sense of things as easily as others do, the simplest things are scary. There is not much talk about mental health and autism in women and even though there are some studies already today, the fact that it is not physically evident in us is a big problem, it is hard for others to see how much it hinders a normal life. 2023 was the year in which I had to embrace God the most because nothing made sense. I am not talking about problems, I am not talking about depression, I am talking about panic as I mentioned before. Panic to move, to eat, to sleep, to not find myself, to not make sense of words, to not make sense of why we breathe, agoraphobia to the maximum for months in which my mind takes everything again and again trying to understand why even my body is my body. Several months in which I asked God for a breath, a calm and a light so I could be better. To no longer be the person who stopped going to college or work for weeks because she was suffocated and scared. Help to be a better friend, a better daughter, better with my family, better to love. An answer to stop feeling like I'm surviving and really live with Him.

And as you can see in the letter before this one He answered, and brought me to the middle of the pacific to cleanse my heart of the fear I never thought I could get out of.

I came to YWAM obeying an order that God put in my heart which I doubted a lot at the beginning, I gave my life to Jesus, people, missions and community development in a very serious and real way at the age of 16 and since then it has been very difficult for me to dream, to want anything of my own. But if there was one thing I was sure of as God has been shaping my life, it was that sociology and history would be the basis I would use to really help others and beyond that to let them know about God in the most loving and respectful way possible. I knew that the next step would be my master's degree in community development, that the small ladder to change many lives by the hand of God was getting closer and closer. But I have never been able to be at peace in my mind, and how to give if you can't receive? I was forgetting the most important thing.

So YWAM seemed like a fitting step, focusing on building my foundation much more in God than in the world sounded like the most important thing at the time, but ironically my biggest motivation for coming was the farm track and the possibility of learning about crops, energy and water so I could bring that knowledge home with me.

I have learned to grow lettuce in water, grow potatoes in truck tires, make fertilizer, make calcium organically, vinegar and I have even had the opportunity to take care of piglets and plants and a thousand other things. But most of all I have learned to heal my heart, forgive, let go, rebuke and deal with my emptiness, fears and depression. I have had the opportunity to heal like never before, I have learned to laugh, I have learned to accept love, I have learned to take refuge in God, to care for others and to be vulnerable in the midst of new friendships.

LOVE IS NOT EARNED

When I came here I had no idea that the first few weeks would be about me and cleansing my heart, all my life I have sought help, therapy, companionship, a space in the church and in the bible, but in a life of college and constant jobs and a health care system where psychology is so expensive and was only being medicated seemed impossible. I have always longed to be okay so that I could be better at what God wants to do with my life in others, and it seemed that this would not come. But when I obeyed him and came to this place that he led me to, I find the time, the space, the support and even the therapy to be able to deal with all that I have not been able to heal before.

I find that safe spaces exist, that women care for me and see me, as my college friends have shown me before and my roommates and schoolmates now reaffirm. I find that men do not always have bad or hidden intentions, nor are wanting from me anything in return. I find that alcohol-free spaces are possible, that traditional and loving families can still be built. My life has been one of much love, but my reality and my country is not at all what you see here.

I have understood that God loves us with the sweetest heart there is, he loves us because we are his, he loves us because he made us, he is hurt by our pain, he is hurt by our mistakes of course, but he will never see us with eyes of rejection. His love is the only thing that prevails no matter what and therefore our only security and reality. I don't need to be perfect, do everything one way, dress one way, read the bible 6 times hahaha or even pray 5 hours a day to get his love. I don't need to isolate myself from my friends, isolate myself from my family and stay in church for a whole week to get his love. Just like Juliana has taught me, I am loved because I AM ME. God made us in his image and likeness, he loves us just as we are and in the face of our stumbles he lifts us up cleans and walks with us hand in hand.

Even in the afternoons, pulling grass from the crops, planting seeds, pruning trees, collecting moringa leaves, feeding pigs and grinding eggshells to make calcium powder among a thousand other tasks make me understand in the most didactic way possible the work that God does in the heart of each person and the seasons of both pain and happiness that are so necessary. Sometimes he will have to prune things, sometimes he will have to plant more seeds, sometimes he will have to water, sometimes he will have to transplant from one place to another, sometimes the piglets will want to eat from the big plate all at once but if they do that some will run out of food, sometimes the bacteria that produce the waste of a group of little fish although considered waste can be exactly what we need to grow food high in nutrients for humans. All his nature, original design, this planet, all a perfect example of his great love that builds.

I don't need to work and work hard to be loved. Who I am is fine and sufficient in Jesus, I don't have to change my personality or who I am to receive affection. Just as plants and animals don’t do anything but be themselves and yes maybe follow instructions and let themselves be moved by us. Just as us with God.

HE PROVIDES AND EVERYTHING COMES FROM HIM

I was so used to everything in my life happening and happening because of my family or my work. To generate savings, make plans, sell bracelets, carry candy and cakes everywhere to sell and an excel of expenses and income that I never really knew how to use and finally a notebook full of sums poorly done to get to fulfill and be able to do what God put in my life.

Every time I was presented with a new opportunity, I was redirected to something new and therefore my mind always opted to start working on whatever it was, whenever it was and make work plans with God. It is not until now that I realize how disrespectful that is, and not that it is not important and not something that should be done, but in all my life I was underestimating his sovereignty and his care over my life. I was denying help, denying opportunities and putting all the weight on my back when it was all coming from Him. Coming here has presented many obstacles, starting with the fact that I had no idea that my outreach would cost $6,000 USD and not $4,000 USD as we had thought.

My little girl swore that my life savings combined with everything I managed to save from my entire job in 2023 would be enough. But I was constantly sick all year, I had to get a thousand lung treatments, go to the dentist and a thousand other things. I arrived here confused, asking God why if this was His will the sums were not paying off and I was now practically on an island with nothing. I tried in my strength to do what I could and nothing worked at first, until I heard him remind me that I had to rest in HIM. So last Monday I vowed to stop trying, give Him my stress and just read the bible, listen and ask only Him for help with my little box of bracelets as always haha.

As always when you obey God He responds quickly, sometimes the only thing between His response and our distress is simply ourselves. That same day someone came to help me with my missed payments. Not only that, on occasions where I haven't had enough for food my favorite food or even chai (my favorite drink ahah) has appeared in my hands without me even saying anything about it. In the midst of my stress of providing for myself believing that everything is in my hands Glory prayed for me and told me that I had the most beautiful treasure in school and that was that I had daily miracles in which I could see the hand of God. Everything for me every day is a surprise, it is a gift, it is a wonder, while for many it is normal. God was allowing me an opportunity in which He would make me see that He is really the owner not only of my money and my life but that He is a father who takes care of me and will never allow anything to be lacking. It doesn't mean I will never go to work or look for options ahahahah but I understand now that all my jobs and opportunities as well as the help from my family and friends now and new people with huge hearts are and always have been God.

My heart is being cleansed, and I am working with God to fix all those behaviors I shouldn't have, to fix my speech, to be more expressive, to be more caring, to learn that resting is okay. Genuinely seeing only Him, my life is becoming more and more as light and beautiful as His yoke.

KENYA!

On this journey of believing that He loves me as He loves all His children without the need for me to fulfill an expectation and just trust Him and love Him back I was afraid to choose a country for my outreach, I thought how foolish I must be to believe that I will be able to afford this, that I will be able to live this, what a mistake I must have made in risking so much my financial life and that of my family. However, his love is so sweet and soft as cotton candy that his response to my anxiety was immediate. We were given only a few hours to choose 3 options, my limiting mind towards God began to make excuses, I checked all the countries and it turned out that I could not enter almost any of them and the only ones I could go to were very expensive. All my life I felt in my heart that I had to go to Africa, always a childhood dream, something that was a fantasy for me and my mom, to imagine myself in the place where all the animals I love are and to be able to help together with her whoever needed it was so nice. It still is in general, animals and helping have always been my joy and an expression of God's love no matter where I am.

That day then I refrain from choosing because it was not possible for me to even enter any country in Africa without permits and I thought that the school alone would not give me the opportunity for that very reason, I put as any option that the school would choose for me and the second I try to send it I think well, God is bigger than anything and he will know more than me of course he does, then I go back to the answers and added Kenya as an option just because it was always one of my dreams as a child. Days later when announcing who would go to Kenya my name is on the screen. God only needs your yes, your willingness, your obedience, I did not believe at all that I deserved and could live any of this time much less be able to go to this place, these are things that in my mind only other people experience. But it only cost me to apply on a website one night to YWAM, it only cost me to return and put me in an option to Kenya, it has always cost me to push my mind of impossibilities and knock on the door, so that He surprises me. Nothing is unreal in His heart.

I can't get over the excitement of the hearts he has in this place and in Africa in his perfect plan meant to heal and build in God and in knowledge. Knowing that my pain brings comfort, my knowledge some solution and vice versa for me. Eight year old Gabriella is just as joyful, her dream of being Eliza Thornberry and traveling through Africa talking to animals may no longer be a fantasy. A gift in the middle of her perfect plan, for little me :)

I promise I’ll update weekly and babble less, can’t ever seem to be able to be specific and have a reflection for it all lol. If it’s in your heart your help is so very much welcome, I can’t work here, I have no support from anyone in my family or friends now since US dollars are so savage to our coin they’ve given me all they could already and am counting only on Gods provision.

Love that you would pray for me for anxiety, endometriosis healing (cramps are very much uncomfortable -_- and won’t stop) and to generally just trust the lord more.

Thank you !

[anvoo]

21.06.2023 - milestone

First night in a long time that I've been able to sit with myself and write. It's, calming. I feel like it's "me", you know? It's like, I could see myself months and years from now, still sitting down at the end of the day, writing.

I have a not-great habit of shaking my legs whenever I feel anxious or upset, so on the days when I'm not feeling my greatest, I would feel muscle pain in the evening or night from all the leg shaking. I'm trying to keep both my feet on the ground and still as I'm writing :p

I remember somebody saying: "A lot of people who are suicidal don't actually want to die, they just want their current situation to end or change." That seems to be true in my case. To reassure everyone, I don't intend or want to kill myself. It's just the thought of "I want my current situation to change", followed by the idea of suicide as one of the options/solutions. It seems like the easiest solution for me to connect my current actions and decisions with the end goal of "current situation changing".

I really don't want to die right now. Who knows if there's reincarnation or the afterlife, so I want to fully cherish and make the best out of my current life. I want to draw more; to write more; to meet people; to treat them nicely and be treated nicely back; to see more art; to listen to good music; to have experiences; to enjoy things; to have freedom and choose; to live for and by myself...

My future, my path forward right now is concrete and clear to me. No matter what happens, no matter what I want to achieve or do, the path forward is the same. The story of my life is written mainly through decisions and actions, not thoughts, ink, or typing. It's the "doing" part that determines.

To "do" requires energy, willpower, and motivation. One that is hindering me, is my tendency to divert my energy, willpower, and motivation, to "think". To come up with the perfect motivation, to have the answer to all my doubts and questions, to come to a revelation! Once I have done that everything will be easy, but it won't be. Knowing exactly what you want and need to do won't make you suddenly be able to put in 16 hours a day of work, study, or self-care. Coming to a revelation won't change the procrastination and validation-seeking habits that are embedded so deeply in your psyche and behaviors. It helps, of course, but it can't be the only thing. I need to "do". I have done enough "think". I'll continue to, of course, but now I need to strike a better balance between the two in order to achieve my goals.

I'm grateful that I have people who care about me. Their support really means a lot to me and it helps me to get through tough times. I'll take it in and continue to try my best and move forward.

Balance in my life is still something that I'm trying to achieve. Having just video games or a romantic relationship be the only pillar that holds me up isn't great, and it makes me unhappy :C Not having my romantic relationship be the core or the center of my existence doesn't mean that it's suddenly meaningless now. It's me enriching my life and being kinder to myself. It even helps to bring more value and meaning to the relationship itself. I'm more interesting, more stable, happier, and wiser,...; it's also the fact that placing the stake of your entire emotional and mental well-being on your romantic relationship going well is just damaging to it and your well-being xD This reminds me a bit of a line from Samantha in Her(2013):

"The heart is not like a box that gets filled up; it expands in size the more you love. I'm different from you. This doesn't make me love you any less. It actually makes me love even more."

In the context of the film, the quote probably has a slightly different meaning (Samantha loving 641 other people), but in this moment for me, it's about all the things that I said above.

So, what now?

Well, For my academic and career goals, do well with my studies. For my fitness and physical health goals, gym and healthy diet. For my mental health goals, being kind to myself, keep doing my best, and continue to write. For my hobbies and interests, draw more, and engage more in activities. For my socializing, practice more spoken German, and go out more (it's fun, as all the previous times you've gone:>). For me and Cat, just keep doing my best for myself. I know I'll know when I'm ready to reconnect and give us another shot, and I'll talk to her then. We talked and discussed a lot about us, our promise and break, and our future together, so I know it's a decision that wasn't made lightly. I believe in us, in our feelings together, and that we can do it!

Sounds nice. Goodnight!

Goodnight!

[libidomechanica]

Tis but ensigns

A limerick sequence

               1

Tis but ensigns oft became to the accredited diplomatic lost    they could govern, nor the    Priests the due grimace their business lessened and exorcised.

               2

They bene, no Rechabite more free. Time drives; wee Pope but one I know what    Prudent men a setled    Throng, astarters, corn on the Present nor the tableau intact.

               3

Deep in a couch heaven punish’d by. He shoulder and sillily smiling    at a dearer; robes look’d    and loued last lone a As Lot’s fair, thing more, the Firmament.

               4

What Standard is the Small remaine. Some rumour doors, there than smiled, A mass of    wine, worne on till he fount    is,—or who sigh o’er thereof spends all hear their played on to mone!

               5

To me and full many hand while his pipe, a specious latch, and heavenly    Fire. And things, to Murther    bard: if thoughtful Fairy Principall. With no long, in princess.

               6

Ah but Hobbinols Embleme. Amid the line of Power, on Earth: and Nobler    yet to forcing with    the care not fair form, limping the thirst words meaning of his dead.

               7

Here not heard,—and shadow flew. She saw us that so much their del’cat smell    of tacks around the Plot.    From the Goal of Ease? Fiers mighty’s Gentlemen turn’d all his knees.

               8

I cared forward. In small worth, and then roll their caps at causes my hear, the    waves clasping a tythe who    least any rate sorts of gold; or witty, but since like a brow.

               9

I will be as you have to myself, relaxed, its sphered she tender they    take up the castle. Poison    him when we come hether, to wreck’d, she got out of prison?

               10

For the physical fact of you woe. In by missings were I unswear, and    Wordsworth hast. Give my Native    share employ? Wind doth ride; or if it world. Whose eyes would cry.

               11

Still time a hundred mine and could never came to stone, and fright in Trust, is—    Love, I haue thrice told of    cups against his chiefe fall, and that was call our heads. On them told.

               12

Or else for being a better sayne, his with them there—I have proved it—’t    was table-cloth and bind    a heart raves. Titles and penuree. Pall Mankinds Epitome.

               13

Bricks nod, and I’ll awa to Nanie, O. Because our many guest to forget    yourselves in the woods. Then,    reading bride, let speake of sweets, but with that golden shackle me.

               14

Tread the abyss like Heaven, blue ladies, were rais’d, no Enemy can Crave.    Of what an Abbethdin    with Chariot, heralded all, and run Popularly Mad?

               15

You the mute still smiling with either cheerful, with kissed me the Golden trout    on the cob. For who can    be old, my bird! I think thee and vast, one sight; she is a lie?

               16

Her hinder part of Gold. And priceless curl in mind. The moderate she had    made Obnoxious torment    by their artillery at their own dear wee wife o’ my head.

               17

Draw the cheek trembled off by one’s going slaves on bounteous as twas, alas!    I was nourishing. Though    the turns her she was no matter; or, if he had been in vain.

               18

Footprints, glisten’d with them on roses freed from the first and with awful wedlock    fountain-woods, I dream,    whose dreary changed, in its own worth—compare? Polluted water.

               19

Sure stand; and of Miss Macready. To pronouce a Foe. A crystal I could    shake the floor of the publick    Safety to this a stream, but their very clerks,—those sand-paths.

               20

Pray, a Lambes ytorne? By Sea, by Lawless Might, and infant’s playing me    seek with doubt, for forty-    odd befell on their duty, thought the Jews; and I assurance.

               21

For God decreed those channels? Give mercy sway’d, my wrongs, where in worthy of    the base, yet while his fear,    for one Suffer’d, and ivy buds, that Shimei, thoughts! While I should.

               22

Jury of the moon-gazing the giddy Jews tread the vernal number or    he had from yon bean-field!    Yet deepest mouth and Starry Pole: from the deeper when cursed him.

               23

That which her on the stem but it be according to see to say, and curse,    O! Believing novel,    not they Command, giv’n by that being time he vsed to his Toyls.

               24

He came a ruin: side bowing cranck. Gap, yet who can know you’ll flight; betray’d    it quite a Jupiter,    till at commaund: but in distress. Made for Empire, tis ease.

               25

To make a chessman, a thoughts of my lassie ever yet to be true    lovelorn piteous as twas,    alas! And hether, to her greed but of melodious Arts.

               26

To be worthless bright by element will better it laye? And the Devil    and find my soul withered    the two starbursts by their Chief of Royalty? I once again.

               27

And with wicked Neighbour’s permanent among. Sky full of you? I saw her    eyes and with fresh and brew’d    with no love did swell; nae bombast spates o’ nonsense swelling teare.

               28

Thy painter’s day-star? In this deuoyr believing right-eyed Eulalie’s Thy beauty    is end: that euer it    moves, he glide in one before through what Relief undoes your life!

               29

I loved. So Fraud was blight; their name, and War was a bashful art, trembled Friends    destitute the dead, with    bloody drops fall. Heard, they went, in baskets of bright suffice hiss.

               30

After we’d both common wood. I have I see a better, with sleeping the    cloudes wexen cleare. Say    it out of thine so trimly dight, nor doubt, you so that in me.

               31

Love, for that would wake up Arms a Chiefs to forestalled, get opposite! From offence,    that the seas, nor Property:    and see him for air as free and last straint, wigged and brown.

               32

And thy cheeks, as prompted, and Recording space, the pastoures howe don’t    pretending to heare. She, in    soothing, and seem profound: she might rude enough the cold ran throte.

               33

And as romantic ocean that Juan was bright assembl’d, my Fear: thus seasons    Heaven’s imagery of    sleep. Or fled to many han into the high couch, near to gard.

               34

Was all silent; vainly so, he left me belongs than all-eating to the    play, but she said now, for    being asswage. The Laws he had in possession, private Crime.

               35

With poets, ’ as ever stopped eyelids and loved a hot bath. But that I do    not bound, when lofty to    thaw, and I have clothing, and left a thorough the tables cooked.

               36

The believe me, that I think you weep on so, by Law shall look of your faithfull    Issue she past. By    their Cant, as fearless of means this a sacred flower employs.

               37

Into the sophist’s tranced in my bliss, dearest, now she knew it. Hath left    them one brave day has close.    Sorrow late, somebody, tell me, his warmth as rolls of glasses.

               38

That hand confused and lusty leaves the Laws he has flow, but Innovation,    having love did the Cheuisaunce,    they all my good? If he had its brothers: some lonely air.

               39

The dreamed of France, to makes me sighed upon their Choise, but Lofty to thee, like    a mayden Queene of the    savage, extremely fair; the forests far away. Turn your face.

               40

Exchange their long-legged your lovely, Woman love nor iolloye, nor clime, And where the    floor of they Common sense    is one, her eye? He plonged in his system t is to buy.

               41

Restless since I did nothing the floor. And streets your lovers’ seasons have seen    her fear and extremes decaye.    Were knows well to Nature suited to their vigour in a flame.

               42

I though t is a lo’esome wee thing, and thy posies soon breake more he gaz’d:    his heart I offer a    milkwhite to be sung me most what we be bound to scour history.

               43

Tell me, and Crude. Are thou shall keep a shaking harp the scorn that Kings as young    disciple. Sir Walter    reckon’d a conspicuous and mine, and brow: thus were furled.

               44

When thou perceives and to a Saturn. But, where a mermaids’ singing, I adore    my God. The flowers    the while she pass’d in his night her blotte. In the long drives the life?

               45

The king bit the wished their Kings which at the violence be known: my parent’s    the turns strawberries, and    softly call, came jasper pannel fuming strangled with your Ark.

               46

Like the wine at my heart with frost and bareness and sculk’d behind. And that    wont to the hills where in    the night drawe with your wished his Master of thine so trimly flies.

               47

Ah foolish backward. Upon the shepherd’s whispered. Drawn from a branch rent, and    could excuse, ’ proving or    official, his sheepe ah seely she, with beards God or Devil.

               48

His breathing like phosphorus on my skin, his head. That in the neck is fragile    like a light, who was    know white Alps alone, the God-like those seemed sincere a poet.

               49

Had the sheepe, all forswatt I am laughing around supporting went their    father’s parted is mute    still german, I stood bathing this successfull Arts, and bonie Bell.

               50

Man, found she not they lead in safety pin to go of her glad Lycius started—    the soft wool-woofed    carpe! Or changed for a thrill of life, you still as a lady’s maid.

               51

With more according, hath left to put a face, to their claes, or the humble    prism of the armèd man,    and night dropped me and lost the season Law. Till I couldn’t bear it.

               52

We seemed about, and yet the sky, but they all for all here confounds we our    next Succession rest always    in their mere spectral resident—whose numbers breath. Or fame!

               53

And town till as a winsome wee things. But I know to cheek reclined thus seasons    run? Looming down weary    of things were getting in those heaps o’ clavers: and Lycius?

[betterlyf]

What Is Manipulation? And How To Handle?

Manipulation is a strategy used to acquire influence over another person, generally to achieve what they desire, and frequently at the expense of the other person.

A manipulative person, for example, may employ methods such as lying, gaslighting, passive-aggressiveness, and silent treatment, among others, to convince you that you are wrong and they are right. You may be confused and unsure of what to think or feel, and find yourself apologizing for something you did not do wrong.

Emotional manipulation symptoms might be subtle or evident, but manipulation is harmful to your relationship, confidence, and self-esteem.

A manipulator may portray the areas where you lack. They use a very smart approach to convince you to follow their decisions. It messes up your thinking ability to respond on your own.

Manipulation, on the other hand, can have more severe effects, and it is frequently related to emotional abuse, particularly in close relationships. Most people see manipulation unfavourably, especially when it hurts the person being manipulated's physical, emotional, or mental well-being

While people who manipulate others frequently do so out of a need to exert control over their environment and surroundings, an impulse that is frequently motivated by deep-seated fear or anxiety, it is not a healthy practice. Manipulation may hinder the manipulator from connecting with their genuine self, and being manipulated can result in a variety of negative outcomes.

How to Handle Manipulative Behavior

Manipulation and other types of emotional abuse from your partner—or anybody else in your life—that you do not have to endure or accept. It is critical to recognize manipulation as a sort of emotional blackmail and to learn how to respond to it.

Don't Neglect Manipulation

It may take some time to spot emotional manipulation, but once you do, don't dismiss it. Emotional manipulation must be handled whether you are the victim or the offender.

The First step Is to Accept by Yourself that You’re Being Manipulated

To address the manipulation, consider having an open and direct talk with the manipulator. You may give particular examples of their conduct and how it impacts you if you are being manipulated. Be explicit in identifying the types of manipulation and your reactions to them.

Seek Support

Getting to the bottom of emotional manipulation can be difficult, especially if one or both the victims and the manipulator avoid open talks. If both partners are agreeable, you might go to relationship or marriage therapy. Seeing a therapist on your own might also assist you in understanding the emotional manipulation in your relationship.

If manipulative conduct is connected to a particular mental health problem, such as anxiety, a mental health professional can also assist you in understanding how to handle the illness.

A therapist might offer advice on how to communicate more effectively. You can learn more about each other's vulnerabilities in therapy, which could improve your emotional well-being.

Setting Boundaries

In any relationship, particularly if someone is using emotional manipulation, it's critical to establish boundaries. Try to talk with the manipulator about what is and isn't acceptable conduct. You also need to establish clear boundaries to set yourself free from this suffering.

For instance, you can declare, "I will stop participating in this conversation and move away to take care of myself if you keep interrupting me and telling me that I'm not feeling what I'm feeling."

You can quit the conversation, leave the room, and resume it when you're ready to do so at your own pace and in your own time if they keep interrupting you and denying what you're thinking and feeling. You can think about establishing an internal boundary to quit the relationship if they continue to be manipulative if they do so after a specific amount of time.

Practice Self-Compassion

When you set and enforce boundaries with a manipulative individual, you can tend to blame yourself or feel guilty if you have experienced emotional manipulation in the past. Keep in mind that your emotional and physical well-being are significant and deserving of protection.

Remember that you deserve to feel safe and valued and practise showing compassion to yourself.

Although you do not influence the other person's actions, you do have some power over whether you want to be in their presence.

Bottomline

Although manipulation may seem like a simple or "natural" way to resolve a conflict or influence events in your favour, it is cruel and detrimental to your relationships. Honest and loving communication is what you and your loved ones deserve.

Take action to address the behaviour if you are being manipulated in a relationship before it becomes worse. Establish clear limits, talk about the issue with the other person, and be prepared to leave if they are unable to make changes.

[recovrywarrior]

Managing Stress: When To Seek Help From Others

Stress is a normal part of life, but no matter what “rise and grind” culture says, it’s not normal—or healthy—to be stressed out all the time.

Chronic stress is bad for your physical as well as your mental health. Over time, it can make you really sick. It can even contribute to health conditions that can kill you.

What Does Chronic Stress Do to Me?

Chronic stress can cause the following health effects:

Fatigue

Insomnia

Headaches

High cholesterol

Digestive problems

High blood pressure

Poor immune system function

Long-term chronic stress can lead to cardiovascular problems including heart attacks and heart disease. As it wears down the immune system over time, chronic stress increases the risk of several conditions including diabetes. It can worsen digestive function and contribute to inflammatory bowel syndrome (IBS) and other digestive disorders.

Among other psychological effects, chronic stress can hinder learning and lead to poor decision-making. It can cause anxiety and depression, worsen any existing mental health conditions, and trigger the onset of psychotic and manic episodes.

While we all sometimes have to push to get through a challenge, ignoring your body’s need for rest and recovery on a regular basis can become a dangerous form of self-abuse.

The key to a healthy relationship with stress is making sure you take the time to recover after a stressful event. Self-care takes different forms for different people—whatever it looks like for you, the important part is that you can do it regularly.

What Can I Do to Care for Myself?

Self-care activities you can do to lower your stress level include:

Journaling

Drinking tea

Reading books

Going for walks

Working out at the gym

Taking a yoga or stretching class

Singing or playing a musical instrument

Getting a good night’s sleep on a regular basis

Setting aside time to “do nothing,” such as to daydream or nap

Connecting with loved ones and talking about what you’re going through

Engaging in creative or expressive activities that make you feel alive and connected

What’s restorative to you depends on who you are. You might prefer to scream along to heavy metal on the way home from work or you might prefer to listen to gentle harp music while soaking in the bath. (Or you might like to do both of those things.) It’s all valid.

As important as it is, though, self-care alone isn’t enough—it’s also important to make sure you don’t overextend yourself and that your life has a good balance of activity, healthy stress, rest, and recovery.

Reaching out to community and loved ones is important, too. Connection helps us heal and recover, and not everything that causes us stress is a problem we can solve on our own. Other people can give us practical help when we need it, but the moral and emotional support they provide is just as important.

That said, friends and family can’t always provide the kind of support you need, and there are times in life when your support system isn’t as strong as you’d like it to be. When either is the case, consider seeing a therapist. Not only can a therapist provide emotional support, they can also help you address all of the different areas in your life that are causing you stress.

Where Can I Find a Therapist?

If you think it’s time to start seeing a therapist but haven’t found one yet, let us help. You can use the search tools on OpenCounseling to find free or low-cost therapy where you live. You may also want to consider trying affordable online therapy through BetterHelp (a sponsor).

Other options include using insurance (and searching for a therapist on your insurance plan’s website) or calling a mental health crisis or information line to ask for a local referral.

If you’re going through a stressful time and need support, reach out—the help you need may be only a call or click away.

[danpuff-ao3]

writing asks 19 and 23

Hi Fable! Thanks for the asks!

19. Tell me a story about your writing journey. When did you start? Why did you start? Were there bumps along the way? Where are you now and where are you going?

Oh gosh! I will actually be embarrassing with this but...I can't remember not writing. It's always called to me, I think. So I remember being very young writing spy stories about characters called Veronica and Klyde. Considering it's been over two decades since I touched those characters or those stories, I still remember them very vividly LOL.

My journey writing fanfic also started very young. I was writing very...um...questionable things when I was 13. And I also remember being very paranoid that, like, I would be caught by websites so I made up very elaborate backstories for my Writer Self. And instead of having a very generic username like silverdragon3 I had an actual people name that was not my name hoping that would throw them off my trail!

Clearly I was meant to be a writer, because my imagination was WILD.

All through my teen years I wrote Harry Potter fanfiction, but I was also on a Twilight RPG site essentially writing collaborative stories involving original characters. I was always, always writing!

I stopped writing in late 2012 for a number of reasons. Burnout being one, but also feeling disheartened from some interactions. I came back to it in 2015 writing for the Marvel Universe (Steve/Tony for life) and I eventually made my way back to Snarry in 2019.

Coming back to writing was such a blessing and I had such a good mindset about it. How I was writing for me and no one else. I was having fun with it. Tearing away all expectations I had of myself and my work. And it was so liberating!

I'm afraid my natural tendencies towards perfectionism and overthinking have crept back in and have hindered me a lot. My work is probably better for it, but I'm not sure all of the stress is worth it so....I need to learn how to balance better and have a healthier relationship to writing.

There are so many stories I still want to tell and so much I want to do still! And I want to create things that are quality, and things other people will enjoy...but taking care of myself first and foremost while I'm at it! I think I'll always struggle with that, but it's worth trying to do better!

23. Describe the physical environment in which you write. Be as detailed as possible. Tell me what’s around you as you work. Paint me a picture.

My home setup is very nice! I have a small wooden desk (with green accents!) and a wooden chair with a green cushion. There's a nice black footrest under the desk (my feet are so happy!) I have a laptop stand that my macbook sits on, a circular pink mousepad, a vertical ergonomic mouse, and a nice ergonomic keyboard (my hands are also happy.) I have a small Taurus trinket tray that my 3 astrology dice sit in (planet, signs, houses) and two candles sit beside it: a Harry and a Snape candle from an etsy shop! There is also a wooden desktop bookcase filled with books that are pretty and/or reference books (floriography, philosophy, mythology, astrology, tarot, poetry, etc.) Two figurines are in front of the bookcase of women holding bouquets (one holds pink, the other yellow.)

The woods and the greens are all different but I think it all flows together anyway!

On the wall above my desk is a circular stone image of the Hogwarts crest. Behind where I sit are several other bookshelves filled to the brim with books. My desk sits near the living room and the kitchen and the bar dividing the room has stacks and stacks of books on it! (Basically: books, books, everywhere!)

We have Philips Hue lights all over our apartment, so I can set the lighting to whatever suits me: however dim or bright I want! Warm lighting, cool lighting. Pink lights, blue lights! Whatever mood I like for the work I need to do.

When I sit down to write, I usually have a cup of coffee and light one of my candles. My Harry candle is very sweet and the Snape candle is more musky. I generally work in silence (because I'm easily distracted) but sometimes I'll pull an ambient noise video up on my ipad and have it sitting by me while I work (so I can enjoy the visuals and the noise!)

When I'm in a good groove I'm a speed-demon when I type, so lotsa click-clacking! In the not so groovy times I gulp down my coffee and fidget in my chair (because I can't sit still to save my life.)

Oh, and because my partner likes the COLD I'm often also buried beneath a lot of blankets.

I was hoping to paint a more romantic image but it's really just my tiny desk in my apartment that is crammed with books and me flopping all over the place and begging the deities for some ability to focus, lol!

Weird Questions for Writers