#like not only was it shot well but we got TWOOOOO kisses

[aslibekroglu]

[adrunkgiraffe]

I have been through this journey before, so I get to be actually frustrated about it.

IUnder a read more because im not subjecting y’all to this. Also: I should caveat I haven’t watched the episode cause I’m waiting till its on Netflix but I have watched way too many other episodes of Supernatural so I have a right to say these things. 

TL;DR: I mean you all knew Cas’ confession was fucking bullshit and that SPN is...hm. But I’d like to actually express my genuine frustration, for a moment? I’m going to say things you already know, but I have too much knowledge of this show and too much stupid meta in my brain about a series I haven’t genuinely enjoyed for at least 5 years which makes this not just blandly bad but disgustingly insulting to me not even as a gay just as like. A writer?

Or, even shorter: Cas’ confession is just a Charlie Bradbury Speedrun 

So. As some of you may know if, for some reason, you followed me back in 2013 (and till...okay fine 2015), I used to be, uh. Really into SPN. Really, I was into Destiel. Like, as in, I slogged through seasons 1-3 to get to Cas and am also really vulnerable to the Sunk Cost Fallacy and projecting onto characters. (I was in 8th grade in 2013, okay? Get off my back)

Also, because I monopolised use of the TV, I kind of...also got my parents into it? In a “this is silly but fun” kind of way.

Over time, critiques of the show from viewers, learning what queerbaiting is at all, fatigue with how long it was going, and also fatigue from how characters I enjoyed, like Rufus, or Crowley, or Ellen, or Jo, or Kevin, or Charlie, or Cas a few times, kept getting killed off. As time went on, it didn’t escape my notice that, aside from Cas, all of these characters fit one or more of the following criteria:

They were a woman

They were a person of color

Were Queer or Queer-coded in some way (listen Crowley was bad rep but at least Mark Sheppard actually kissed a man on screen)

I also just...generally got tired of the way the show treats women and sidelines people of color. 

The final straw really came with Charlie’s death. It got us all excited, because she hadn’t been back in a bit! And it was interesting to see how reuniting with her dark side from Oz had changed her! (yeah remember the fucking Wizard of Oz storyline? The writers sure don’t!) And maybe she’d get developed! Because at this point, Charlie and the fairly good writing of her character was a major upside for the series! Charlie was cool, fun, gay, and morally complex in a way...none of the female characters had been before her, in large part because by definition, her relationship with the boys would always be platonic.

And then. Offscreen. She is violently murdered. For no damn good reason. Like, literally, her being brought back in this episode after fucking off to europe after having returned from fucking off to Oz seems to have filled two purposes in total. 

The codex is solved (but Sam doesn’t know till next episode)

Charlie is dead, which means Dean can be angry, specifically at Sam, and kill more people because he’s the big bad this season. 

That’s it. Two things. Twooooo whole reasons to do this episode. Whoopee. 

But you didn’t come here for this, you came here for me to rip this reveal to shreds. Don’t worry, I’ll get there. What I want in your minds is that Supernatural already had a really good anddynamic queer character. And then they killed her off to make Dean angry. No, it doesn’t matter that they brought her back in season 13 or whatever. They made that decision. 

After the rage this incited, I started realizing general flaws in the writing (I had probably already noticed them but now I was angry enough to complain.) Every conflict is born of Sam and Dean not communicating/taking on burdens and Dean being angry at Cas for reasons that ranged from good to ridiculous, but in a way that always went way too fucking long, (which...yes, does make the “you do it for love” gifs fucking hilarious). It didn’t help that seasons 11 and 12 were next, which meant Demon Dean and GOD’S FUCKING SISTER, plus the decision to resurrect Mary, which, while I do like her later scenes, as a season 12 finale it...well I’ll be honest it kinda sucked. It undercut the majority of the Winchester’s’ arcs and their slow and painful journey out of their father’s toxic vengeance quest and knowing Mary as a person when it’s too late to know her was one of the last semi-compelling grounders of the narrative. 

By this point it was a hate-watch for my parents and I.

So then, I’m at college, and I’m not watching anymore cause I don’t have the motivation or access to Hulu to continue, and SPN is bad. I watch the Scooby Doo crossover when it comes out and my friend and I make fun of it, and we also continue making jokes about Dean and Cas and queerbaiting because we’re queer, but I don’t keep up. My Dad does though, so when I return, I watch some with the fam and lads. It’s even more tiring without context. 

So flash forward to Quarantine, my sister, the only one with taste, has left, and we have run out of netflix to watch. So we return to the well, and seasons 13-14 are. I’m gonna say it. Bad. Really fucking bad. The cycle of bad communication continues, season 14 has like seven antagonists and the way it’s structured makes it so I literally cannot remember the timeline of a season I watched 3 months ago. Oh also, they have a queer coded cannibal snake monster for...well I guess Jack’s snake bud was cool but like. Huh wow it’s almost like these writers don’t handle queers well. 

Our one saving grace is Cas, but he’s barely in any episodes, though I did note that his deal with the empty, being happy completely for one moment killing him, that struck me as “this has potential and I know they’re gonna half-ass it somehow.” Also Jack and Mary, but then oh...plot….The most compelling it gets is literally the finale.

But then, 3 days later, the first half of season 15 comes out on Netflix and it’s...actually kind of acceptable. The new character they give Jack’s actor is fun to watch him play until they make him evil. Exploring just how toxic Chuck can be gave the series direction again. The alternate future was genuinely scarring, and Eileen’s return was genuinely moving. Most of all, though, Cas got the opportunity to tell Dean no, that Dean was being unfair to him, had always been unfair to him, and he was sick of it. I had no illusions, I knew Destiel was never gonna happen, and Cas was gonna die, but giving him that bit of agency, letting Cas grow and be self-sufficient, and be angry with Dean not for existential reasons but interpersonal ones, was such a good sign for me, and Dean grew too! Dean fucking apologized for being horrible and Jensen Ackles had a...yknow what, ill give it to him, he had a good acting moment. 

But the thing. About. The “I love you.” 

Let’s take it in parts.

What was good: I’m gonna admit it, lads, “Wanting what I can’t have” - AS A LINE - is good, and, structurally, there is something to the Empty Deal that could have been an interesting aspect of Cas’ arc when it comes to self actualization and being on even footing with Dean. The problem is, this is Supernatural, and that arc only comes up when I bring it up because character study, even in bad media, is fun for me. 

What was bad:

I mean. Like. All of it? All of it. 

Okay. Fine. I’ll be specific. 

Cas dies immediately when - possibly because- he is revealed as having feelings for Dean. They kill him as they queer him, that’s a Bury Your Gays Speedrun right there.

Like the least they could have done is have him mention it to someone in another scene or something to establish some romantic feelings on the part of canon a full episode beforehand. That would have been the literal bare minimum. 

When Cas starts praising Dean, for some reason both the writing and Misha’s acting take a bit of a downswing (from...where it already was). Cas, whose most powerful moment this season was acknowledging that Dean’s anger at him is cruel and unfair, flatly praises him for doing everything out of love and it reads with a misunderstanding of both Dean as a character and Cas’ understanding of Dean. Dean is angry! VERY ANGRY! And it’s a problem he needs to work on and rarely does. 

Talking out of my ass, a better speech would have been about how Dean is angry because of his love for Sam, family, and the people around him, how, for better or for worse, he can’t help but be angry on behalf of others, and that his journey of moving that tendency towards the better is what made Cas care so much. Guys this alteration to the metaphor took 2 minutes to write tops I am an Art History student and these are TV WRITERS WITH YEARS OF EXPERIENCE CAN YOU TELL THEYRE NOT TRYING YET? 

A better speech would, of course, have come out of a better series. My point: this part was half-assed. Poorly written. Wow it’s almost like the series is also poorly written. 

 Also, Misha is the better actor of the three(***OF THE THREE), but his choices in that scene are jarringly out of character which. Makes the bad writing worse. It doesn’t help that they cut to the same fucking shot of Dean 3 times. The chemistry in that scene makes it feel so fucking hackneyed. Because it is. 

This combines lead me to the point: (wait there was a point to this?)

As someone who does not have the luxury of watching this capsized ship fall into boiling seas from a distance, it is less insulting to me that they did this so last minute and then sent Cas to the Void than it is how they did it. They had ingredients for something that could have been compelling enough to me as a former fan of the show to think that they had put effort into it, that they had decided months, perhaps even years ago to do this, and had crafted a storyline around it. That this was an intentional decision they cared about. It wasn’t. It was barely even pandering, because it’s almost insultingly blatant. 

SPN kinda proved to me that it didn’t care about queers when Charlie was killed off. It proved it to me again when Cas, not only died in confessing his love for Dean but did it in the weakest result of what could have been a surprisingly strong story.

[writingsteph]

USWNT one shot

So I just have been writing this on my way to and from work...it’s been stuck in my head and I had to get it out haha...please withhold your harsher judgements!!

“You are not going out, Mal. You worked really hard during training today love and what you need is rest, not a night out.”

Mallory rolled her eyes at her maternal figure. Long gone were the days when Christen was a friend, in fact she wondered if there were ever a time when that was the case. Since that moment at 17 when she found her crying at training camp, Christen always cared for her... and hovered over her like a fucking vulture. Jesus Fucking Christ.

“Besides -” Christen continued, cutting the younger forward’s thoughts short, “You are 18, I’m not exactly sure what you’ll be able to do going out with the older girls anyways.”

Mallory felt her eyes water. She knew she was the youngest and she hated it when she was reminded it of it like this.

“Lindsay said they were going to the movies first before they go to a bar. I can go to the movies with them Chris.”

Christen looked at the beggar eyes the tiny girl was giving her. All the women on the team seemed to have accepted that Mallory needed a lot of guidance and that because of the bond her and Christen developed, it would be the older forward to do so. Christen was in all intents and purposes Mallory Pugh’s guardian during the season.

“What time is the movie?”

Mallory’s eyes immediately moved to the floor. Should she lie? Last time she lied to Press about where she was she got 5 swift spanks to her bottom, which really hurt! Thank God the only person that saw it was Tobin. She’d be devastated if her friends knew that Press occasionally spanked her bum.

Although, most of the veteran women on the team already knew.

“Bug.” Christen crossed her arms across her chest. “What time?” She had a feeling it would be something she wouldn’t agree to.

“Ten.” Mallory mumbled whilst looking down at the floor.

The woman sighed, knowing how Mallory would react, but being the girls guardian meant so much more than making her happy, “I think you know my answer Mal. You’re going to be coming back way too late and you know tomorrow is a travel and media day. I’m sorry honey but you’re staying in tonight. I want you to get out of your training clothes, shower, and you and I can watch a movie if you’d like.”

Christen was well aware of how obstinate and cranky Mal was when running on little sleep, and they did not need that on a day like tomorrow.

The teenager balled her hands into fists, “You’re so unfair!! What if I go out anyway? You can’t stop me!”

Christen took a step forward that made Mallory gulp in fear. “Oh little girl you have another thing coming if-“

Her tirade stopped when someone stepped into the room.

“Hey you twooooo—-ohhhh what did I walk into?”

Tobin saw a clear standoff between the girl and woman. Christen looked at her best friend for a quick second before going back to glowering at Mallory.

“She won’t let me go watch a dumb movie because it starts at 10. It’s so stupid and she can’t make me!” Mallory stomped her foot to make her point. But she knew that Christen could absolutely make her do this, which is why she was so upset about it in the first place.

Mallory looked towards Christen, “I wanna go out with Lindsay and Emily! I don’t wanna stay here and watch a movie with you, mom!”

Tobin looked at her best friend who looked like she was ready to put little Mal Pal in her place.

Tobin put a hand on Mallory’s shoulder, “Mal you know that what mom says goes. Your parents, the coaches, every player here have agreed to that, and so did you. Right?”

Mallory huffed, refusing to look at any of the two women.

“Yes or no Mally?”

Mallory swallowed hard, unable to handle the two women glaring down at her. Plus, having all of her emotions coming close to the surface was not helping. She felt ready to just be alone so she finally nodded with a small sniffle.

“You’re staying bub.” Tobin spoke gently, “and that is that.”

Both women saw all the fight leaving her. Christen could see the frustrated tears well up in her little bug’s eyes. She frowned. God, sometimes this was just so hard. And lately, Mallory would agree. The past week the teen had been fighting Christen, it seemed like, at every turn. The girl didn’t want to admit it but the stress of her performing at everyone’s expectations was really getting to her. Everywhere she turned someone was asking her about her performance as the youngest player. But what would happen the day she didn’t perform? The day she royally fucked up? Would everyone still love her? Would mama still love her? What about her aunty Tobs?

“I-I’m gonna go shower.” The teenager said through more sniffles. She didn’t want Christen to see her cry because the woman would want to comfort her and Mallory would not be able to say no because she loved snuggles with her soccer mom. Even when Christen was upset at Mallory she could never not hold their tiniest player when she cried.

But that’s exactly what she was trying to avoid at the moment. She feared she wouldn’t be able to hold on her deepest fears. She feared she’d slip.

When Christen heard the bathroom door completely close she flopped down on the bed and stared up at the ceiling fan, “I think she’s gonna be the death of me Tobs.”

Tobin laughed and laid next to her friend, “Well if she kills you, I’ll have to kill her.”

“And if you kill her I’ll come back from the dead and kill you for hurting my baby girl.”

“There’s mama Press.” Tobin chuckled, rubbing Christen’s arm soothingly.

“She’s gonna be so grumpy the rest of the night.” Christen commiserated in a whisper.

“I can take her.” Tobin offered, “Her and I can finish binging the Office, you know Mallie loves it.”

“She’s so damn stubborn sometimes.”

“Come on Press, she’s kinda like you in that way.”

Press looked right at her friend and couldn’t help but laugh, “Yeah. I guess so.”

“So will you let me take her?”

Press sighed. She wished that Mallory would stay with her that night and they could have some mother daughter time. Christen could tell how much the teen needed it.

Mallory needed to destress, else it get the better of her either personally or on the pitch. And the mother knew that a certain 18 year old was fighting hard against her coping mechanism. Christen remembered the first time she had realized the way Mal needed to relax and forget the world. She remembered how she held her and let the teenager be young. Let her relax without inhibition.

But the more experienced forward also knew that Mallory was mad at her currently and she would not force it, “Of course, if she’s okay with it.”

And so Mallory held on to her anger throughout the rest of the night. She stayed with Tobin and only mumbled out a thanks when Press brought her stuffed giraffe and blankie around ten o clock. Though secretly she was so relieved because she didn’t want to ask if her aunt Tobin could get them for her at the risk of sounding far too juvenile. Her mother coming to drop her beloved items off was a much better option.

The teenager restrained an eye roll when she heard Christen mention to Tobin to not have her stay up past eleven.

Christen walked back around to Mallory and pressed a kiss on her forehead, “Goodnight baby. If you want to come back to our room and lay with me, you can. Love you.”

“Love you too.” Mallory conceded.

But despite that love the young girl still ignored her mother at breakfast and chose to sit with her friends. The teen had strategically taken all her things to Tobin’s room so she didn’t have to worry about facing the woman in the morning. She eyed her mother’s table, where Tobin and Alex were also sitting.

“Why does Press keep looking over here?” Rose asked.

Mallory shrugged, “I dunno.”

“She’s you’re mama, Mal Pal. She probably wants you.”

Mallory rolled her eyes, “Yeah, well, whatever.”

“Morning girls.” Came Christen’s voice a few moments later.

Well so much for avoiding her.

“Can you give me a moment with Mallie?”

“Yeah, yeah”

“Umm sure.”

Came the simultaneous answers from the table.

Mallory frowned as her mother took a seat by her. “You’re still mad at me, bubba?”

Mallory shrugged. Christen shook her head at her young charge’s antics. She slipped a bowl of yogurt, granola, and cut up fruit towards her.

“You need to eat more than just that sugary cereal Tobin told me you ate just now. We’re having a late lunch and I don’t want you complaining about being hungry.”

Mallory finally met her mother’s eyes and nodded, taking the yogurt and lazily putting a fork into the bowl. Her eyes lasering onto her food.

“Mal, hon?”

The sweetness in her mother’s voice forced her to look back up. The older striker could see that Mal hadn’t slept very well that night either. She tried to hide her worry.

Christen grabbed her daughter’s hands in hers, “I know we haven’t been seeing eye to eye lately. And I think we should talk about it tonight.”

Mallory groaned, “Mmmaaammmmaaa.” She whined, then immediately blushed realizing she’d fallen back to old patterns. She was trying to be tough damn it!

Christen bit back her smile. There was a part of the little girl she missed hearing.

“Yes, Mallory Diane. We’re talking. You’ve been out of sorts and it’s affecting you in more ways than one. Now finish eating that up. We’re loading the bus in fifteen minutes. Do you want me to bring down blankie or Steve? The ride is long.”

Mallory always fell asleep on long bus rides and her cuddle buddies kept her cozy and comfortable. Anyone on that bus could tell you that it was as if Mallory transformed from their star forward to their sweet baby girl in seconds when her blanket or stuffed animals

came into the picture.

Mallory’s eyes dashed around. Could Press be any louder?! Nobody needed to know what she called them!! ….everybody knew.

She nodded almost imperceptibly, “J-just blankie.”

Christen leaned in and smoothed the girls hair down, “okay, bug. I’ll see you on the bus.”

Christen looked at her phone’s time impatiently. Where was her child? They were about to head out and she didn’t want for Mallory to be the reason they were waiting.

“Where’s the kiddo?” Alex leaned over from behind Christen’s chair.

“Somewhere with Rose, making us late probably.” Christen murmured.

“Time to hold her hand again?” Alex half joked.

There was a one week time period when Mal was 17 where she was made to hold either Christen or Tobin’s hand wherever they went as a team.

The girl had previously lost track of time and lost the team members she was out with while they were in Europe and Jill was not happy about it. They had come to the decision to be mire intentional about watching Mal between the coaching staff and Christen. Needless to say Mal had learned her lesson. Or so they thought.

Christen chuckled, “Hey, Rose is with her too it’s not just my kiddo.”

Alex agreed, “Maybe I should hold hers too.”

Both women laughed at the prospect. Rose would buck and kick at that with all her strength. Mallory, although not always a fan at being treated the way she was, the youngest still thrived off the love and care that the women gave her. She needed it. She really did.

Rose and Mal came running towards the bus 5 minutes later.

“Sorry! Sorry!” They both said coming onto the bus and jumping into their usual seats next to each other a few rows behind Christen and Tobin.

Both had purposely avoided looking at the older women’s eyes, especially Christen’s.

“You know she keeps looking over here.” Tobin mentioned once they were on the road.

“Oh, I know. I might have Rose switch with me when we hit our first rest stop, by then she’ll be lulled by the ride enough to warrant a nap anyways.”

Tobin laughed, “you’re right.”

An hour later the bus hit a gas station and the chatter of the bus had died down to murmurs. Some of the women got out to use the restroom. Christen stood up and went over to Mallory who hadn't moved from her seat.

Christen looked down at her child. God, she looked so terribly young and so terribly tired.The woman was afraid the teenager might break down right there.

“You don’t have to potty, bug?”

Mallory shook her head trying to hide how her eyes widened at the phrase. She knew what her mom was trying to do. She didn’t want to slip!! Not now! Sometimes she did on the bus rides because nobody could really tell since she would just cuddle into Christen and fall asleep, but no, no, no!

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, geez.”

Christen bit her tongue not wanting to bait the girl into an argument, and saddened that her clearly exhausted child wasn’t allowing herself to be comforted.

She took in a deep breath and turned a bit more serious, “That’s the third time you end up late to the bus.”

The 18 years olds eyes made their way quickly to her mother’s. She frowned, “I know. It won’t happen again. I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want to have to go back to holding your hand sweetheart, but if that’s what I have to do-“

“Mom no! I don’t wanna!” Mal whispered, losing her nerve at her mother’s soft but stern tone and letting her instinct to talk childishly with Christen take over.

She wanted to be snuggled so bad by her mom right now, it almost hurt.

Press raised an eyebrow before schooling her features and leaning over to kiss her pouting child’s forehead, “Okay, okay. Shhhh. I’m warning you, that’s all. Just be mindful of time, alright?”

Mallory nodded, not wanting to speak. She’d probably burst out crying if she did.

“Do you want to sit next to me the rest of the way?”

Mallory’s eyes pleaded yes, but her response was a weak shake of the head. A shake that her mother read right through.

The woman would not push it though. Mallory needed to come to her. She turned behind her and grabbed the girl’s soft light yellow blanket. “Here bubba, take them just in case you want a nap and if you want to sit with me just come over and we can kick Aunty Tobs out her seat.”

The mother beamed when she was successful at making her kiddo giggle.

“You wanna sit with Mal?” Came Rose’s voice from next to Chrsiten.

“No, I was just talking to her. Go for it Rosie.” She gave Mallory a peck on the cheek and a gentle smile before moving back to her seat.

Mallory watched her mother go and sighed. Why hadn’t she said yes?

God, this was going to be a long day.

[watchingminecraftyansim]

Post 2 - The One Where The Intro is Mystery Science Theater 3000

In the not too distant future

Next Friday A.D.

There was a gal named Isabelle

Not too different from you or me

She moderated a discord server

Just another face in a red sweatshirt

She did a good job looking over the place

But her bosses didn’t like her so they shot her into spaaace

“We’ll send her a Minecraft Roleplay”

“One from her past” (la-la-la)

“She’ll have to sit and watch them all”

“It’ll surely be a blast” (la-la-la)

Now keep in mind Izzy can control when the episodes begin and end

Because we didn’t have the budget to make her robot friends

If you’re wondering how she eats and breaths

And other science facts (la-la-la)

Then repeat to yourself “it’s just a blog, 

I should really just relax…

For Watching Minecraft Yanderesim RP post twooooo~”

Hi, I’m Isabelle, but you knew that already, and we would do a proper Mystery Science Theater 3000 parody if I liked how my voice sounded, and I had proper recording software, but I don’t so let’s begin talking about episodes two and three of Samgladiator’s Minecraft Yandere Highschool. 

So to start off Episode 2 Sam wakes up to the Super Smash Brothers Melee theme blasting at full volume from the Gamecubecrab he and Taurtis bought last episode. Given the fact that we haven’t seen either Sam or Taurtis shower or use deodorant, they are both well on their way to becoming true Melee players. We also learn Taurtis has been up since last night trying to get the Gamecube to work, and he doesn’t even get to play it before going to school, which a true Melee player would shirk all responsibilities and drop out of school to become a professional smash bros player, so he gets docked some Epic Gamer points for that blunder. 

As Sam and Taurtis exit Sam opens their mailbox to reveal fanart they got, half of which is made by people who are actors in the series, but that’s not all too surprising as they likely used their fans as actors. This show was likely made on a budget of however much it cost to have the set built and fans will work for nothing but the opportunity to be in the same Minecraft server as the person they enjoy. I shouldn’t be talking though, I was ecstatic to get into one of RTGame’s Minecraft build days. Back on topic Taurtis and Sam head over to the convenience store and sam quickly rushes through his shopping because he doesn’t want the girls to see him and make fun of him, but he also finds cat meat, because the joke of Asian countries selling the meat of and eating domestic pets is a hilarious one, right fellas? Taurtis tries to buy the robot from the European versions of Tomodachi Life, which makes me happy, because I really enjoyed Tomodachi Life, and it’s nice to see something from it. But before we can get too far into my other trip down memory lane, this trip down memory lane interrupts it, with Sam realizing they’re going to be late if Taurtis keeps haggling with the shopkeeper for the robot he said wasn’t for sale. But despite that realization Sam and Taurtis are still late to class along with Jay, but he doesn’t get called out by teacher Gareth for being late, so… Anyways Gareth calls up Sam to tell the class about himself, and to show off the item he brought to represent himself, which is his teddy bear, Snugglemuffins, which promptly results in him being laughed at and made fun of by everyone in class, including teacher Gareth. Sam proceeds to run to another classroom crying, but is coaxed back by Gareth bribing him with 1000 Yen, or roughly 9 United States Dollars, so Sam’s bragging about getting 10 bucks wasn’t super off. Next up is Jay, who presented a katana from his katana collection, which everyone thought was cool except Yuki, who’s only comment was “Great, a weeaboo”, which you know what? Valid. Finally Taurtis presents his item, which is the Gamecube, which teacher Gareth promptly steals, robbing Taurtis of his dreams of becoming a professional Melee player, which it was never stated he had but in our hearts we all know he had. At the end teacher Gareth tells the students their assignment is to sell as many cookies as they can and to take some from the chest at the front of class “Just like my wife took everything from me”. 

The boys then head down to get lunch, and Sam, Taurtis, and Jay sit together, and Jay lets Sam play with his katana, where Sam promptly cuts someone with it. Oops. We then overhear the girls making fun of Sam, so Sam sends over Taurtis to talk him up, and on his first attempt he freaks out and runs away, and I’m not gonna criticize him, given the fact that I would have definitely done worse in that situation, being unable to think of what to say and just resorting to some stupid shit like “You got Fortnite on your phone?”. His second attempt goes better, where he then proceeds to shit talk Sam with the girls, saying he was raised by bunnies, and he gets Jay to join in on the fun. This eventually leads to Sam getting mad and wanting to impress Taurtis by saying Sookie is his Girlfriend, Taurtis proceeds to try and win Sookie over, not realizing Sam was lying and setting up a love triangle that I’m sure is going to go well for everyone involved. Shortly after this the bell rings and it is time for Gym class, where we see Rowan wearing nothing, save for a VERY small speedo, which, when we first see him, is covered by his desk. Making it look like he’s ass naked. He then has everyone stretch, and then head out to the pool, since they are going to be doing diving and laps for that day. Everyone then proceeds to get changed into their swimsuits and that is where episode 2 ends.

Episode three then starts with Sam, Taurtis and everyone else changed into their swimsuits, Sam’s is nothing special but Taurtis’ is just like Rowan’s except he has water wings on. The girl’s swimsuits are thankfully not revealing, being a one piece suit, but they aren’t as diverse as the boy’s swimsuits. Except for one student, HiddenSentinels forgot to bring his swimsuit so he is instead sent to clean Rowan’s car. Rowan starts with making them do dives, Sam jumps in and gets his teddy bear wet so he asks Rowan to hold onto it so it doesn’t get more wet, where Rowan proceeds to yeet that motherfucker over the fence. This causes some of the students to feel bad for Sam, as you probably would, at this point Sam, while he’s been a bit of an asshole, hasn’t done anything too horrible. Sookie also mentions that she doesn’t like the water, which brings me to a question, what is Sookie? Is she a human, she has hair. But humans aren’t traditionally green, as far as I know, and are usually fine with water. This comment makes me think she’s water soluble, sort of, but that’s a question for another time. Rowan then gets the students to start doing laps around the pool, and during that exercise one of the students, PowerDragon starts to drown despite having floaties on, and Sam and Taurtis save him, sort of making fun of him for managing to drown with floaties on. Sam has, what we in the business call, a VERY GOOD IDEA, if he pretends to drown, the girls will feel bad for him, save him, and he might even get mouth to mouth from a pretty girl. So he fake drowns next to SirCutieYuki, gets saved by Invader, the girl with the beard for those of you who forgot, and told by SoulOwl to “just swim you nerd”, which, that’s fair. Sam gets mouth to mouth because he is freaked out by girl beard touching him. We have truly entered the comedy area. 

Rowan then has the class move onto the high dive, and between being scared of the high dive, him being kissed by a girl with a beard, and people taking pictures of him after that, Sam runs to get his teddy bear on the other side of the fence, and it is gone, and Sam is upset for all of five seconds before moving on. Sam then returns to the pool and Rowan demonstrates the high dive while staring directly at Sam on his way down. The high drive is by my count is 26 meters high, or roughly 85 feet for us Americans (or Liberians or Myanmarese), which has to be some kind of safety violation, since the pool is only 3 meters deep. Taurtis and the rest of the class, sans Sam, start lining up to do the dive, with Sam opting to go last. Teacher Gareth tells Taurtis that he hopes he falls before he dives, but thankfully for everyone who likes Taurtis he doesn’t eat shit on the pavement after falling 85 feet from the air, and instead lands safely in the pool. Albeit with Rowan berating them for their lack of form. Sam finally does his dive off of the diving board, even though he had to be pushed off of the top of the diving board after he got to the top, and we got to see the whole city, including the unfinished flattened bit we weren’t supposed to. When he gets down we see that teacher Gareth has decided to get in on the high diving fun, fully clothed. This reminds Sam that he and Taurtis should be selling cookies, and he proceeds to try and sell them to Rowan, who shouts that they have empty carbs and yeeted that shit over the fence. While this is happening SoulOwl starts molting in the water, on account of being an owl in water. Between this, Sookie possibly being water soluble, and one student nearly drowning, I’m starting to feel that this swimming exercise might have been ill conceived. After Sookie heads off to take Soul to the nurse Invader tries to sell Rowan some cookies, claiming they have steroids in them, this causes Rowan to start punching her and throwing her cookies into the pool, teacher of the year 2015. At the same time Sam tries to sell cookies to Yuki, who will only buy them if they are from Taurtis, which Taurtis says they are, and he takes all the money, not even giving sam commission for selling the cookies, and then the bell rings, leading to everyone heading home in their swimsuits and Rowan saying that he will take care of their clothes for them.

As everyone is heading home then see that Jay has a fucking boat the size of the school’s pool, Sam and Taurtis ask about how he got so rich, with Sam commenting on the fact that Jay might be an entrepenur, and Jay saying “That’s a secret”, thus smashing my headcannon that Jay recieved all of his money from Kevin O’Leary, from the hit ABC show, Shark Tank. They then see SoulOwl and Sookie, and Sam sends Taurtis to talk to them to see how Soul is doing because he is too shy to talk to her himself. Sam also says that her molting sounds gross, but for Taurtis not to tell her that he said that, with Taurtis pointing out they weren’t super far away from him, and that Sookie and Soul could hear him too, and SoulOwl promptly getting mad at Sam, causing him and Taurtis to flee, when they go past the confiscated items box, where we see their GameCube and a copy of Super Smash Bros Melee. The boys then see Jay has a wrench and ask him to help them break into the office and help them get their GameCube back, because no series is complete without a little breaking and entering. Following their heist the gang heads to the convenience store with Jay to haggle for the robot once again, and the shop owner once again refuses, even after Jay showers him with money, stating it is a priceless family heirloom, Taurtis does however manage to successfully unload all of his cookies onto the shopkeeper, Sam is successful when he tries the same thing, instead Jay offers to buy them, and sam does, stating Jay is the best friend ever because of his money, and inviting him over to play Smash Brothers. Taurtis suggests inviting Invader over as well, because she developed a crush on Sam after giving him mouth to mouth I guess. Sam however declines because she has a beard and that’s gross, Invader however is more than pleased to come along, and does, despite Sam being a real asshole. When they get home however it is revealed that someone has there Teletubbies DVDs, and leaving off on that epic cliffhanger you’ll just have to wait until next week to find out what happens next. Or just watch the next episode before me, I’m a gal who makes terrible decisions, not a cop.

Before we end this post however, I would like to say one thing, Yuki is bi. Why do I say this you may ask, it’s simple, I have evidence, what evidence you may ask? Why, it’s simple

-I feel like it

-It’s my blog and I get to make the LGBTQ+ head cannons

-I can do what I want

Thank you for coming to my TedTalk and I’ll see you twice next week as the internet has decided on two smaller posts a week rather than one big one a week.