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lyricalive · 4 years

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A soul is an electric force, full of potential energy.

——Can we find souls in unlikely places, and set them into motion?

中古技術〜 Electric Spirit Seance

#01 Lullaby of a Deserted Hell

From a bird's-eye view, the figures of two sprightly maidens would appear like dolls amidst the surrounding range of artificial mountains, a stunning silvery wasteland.

The taller of the two small-looking girls, Maribel Hearn (Merry) planted her hands on her hips as she surveyed the junk that encircled them in all directions.

– "I can't believe you managed to convince me to go dumpster-diving. Is this a step up or down from graverobbing?"

– "We didn't rob anything from the graveyard. I definitely want to find something worth taking from here, though."

– "So this is a step down."

– "Nah, it's fine. These are all things that no one wants."

– "Or things that no one wants to be seen. Of course, that means…"

– "It's the perfect place for the Secret Sealing Club!"

The club's current president, Renko Usami, pumped her fist with plenty of good cheer. Merry smiled back, although she had mixed feelings about calling a land of literal garbage home.

– "We can't just have normal dates, can we?"

Fortunately, at least, the garbage was not excessively odorous or grimy. The site was a landfill specifically for electronic waste: frayed wires, boxy television frames, old phone models of all kinds.

The time was just around sunset -- more specifically 7:42 and 33 seconds, according to Renko's discerning eyes. The mild starlight reflected off of broken LCD screens, making them appear ever so slightly less lifeless.

#02 Rigid Paradise

– "What exactly are we looking for... Let me guess. Hoping to find some retro videogames?"

– "I won't lie. That'd be great."

– "But finding both a game and the console to go with it is going to be tough."

– "Did you know, if a company manufactures more games than it can sell, they end up buried underground to get them out of circulation?"

– "How wasteful. At least they were given a proper funeral."

– "The first time this happened was long ago in another country. Thousands of unsold cartridges... Just because they weren't popular at the time, now they'll never be played. I'd love to give them a chance."

– "Hee-hee, so much for a funeral. I suppose we're not in the business of letting the dead rest in peace."

In this unique sort of graveyard, the bodies had been piling up for countless years. Most of the material would never biodegrade, so the mounds kept accumulating, one layer buried under the next. In fact, despite the oceans rising drastically over recent years, this dumping ground remained unusually high above sea level for the sole reason that its foundation was constantly being reinforced by layers of tightly packed waste.

Renko, who had taken the precaution to wear pants and gloves on this excursion, knelt down to examine a mess of circuitry at the bottom of a looser heap. Merry meanwhile nudged the tip of her shoe against the ground, pondering how deep down was the earth.

#03 Poison Body ~ Forsaken Doll

The girl in black and white impatiently murmured the time, for the fourth time that hour, before stretching her back and turning around to check on her partner.

– "Find anything interesting yet, Merry?"

Merry, who had been spacing out for some while, quickly darted her eyes around for an improvised answer. A glint of light led her gaze to a long, flat cell phone teetering unceremoniously atop of a pile.

– "This... Haven't I seen this model in advertisements recently? How did this already become trash?"

– "Oh, you know. Technology becomes out-of-date awfully quickly these days."

– "Mm. I'd like to see it as a sign of progress, but…"

– "Yeah, it's not good at all. We're in an age of quantity over quality."

Manufacturers who design their products to poor standards, so as to improve on them soon after, are akin to the type of trickster youkai that disguises itself in beggars' clothes to take advantage of others' low expectations. In this selfishly self-deprecating society, it had become a disadvantage to show one's best.

– "Everyone knows this, but thinking about it makes me so irritated."

– "Right? Humanity is really holding itself back."

– "On top of that, don't they know that this is how vengeful tsukumogami are born?"

An object that has gone unused for 100 years is believed to develop a consciousness. Some end up harmless -- but if its short life was spent being used as nothing more than throwaway capital, naturally it would make sense for it to become unhappy.

Merry laid one hand gently on the phone, as if in a gesture of sympathy.

– "Hey, be careful not to touch more than you need to. It may look clean, but the chemicals released by e-waste can still be toxic."

– "Ah, right..."

She felt a bit sheepish for needing safety lessons from Renko, of all people. But, having thought too hard about it, it became difficult for Merry to view the objects as just physical material. A great majority of one's life was lived by virtual communication, so this material had great amounts of personal information stored in it. Of course, the information's original source was in people's minds, so it's not as if it would be instantly forgotten once the plug was pulled. But there were certainly more petabytes of raw data in a square meter of this dump than a human brain could hold.

#04 Electric Heritage

– "Come to think of it, though, have you ever actually heard a story about an electronic object becoming a tsukumogami?"

– "Well, no..."

– "I have a theory about that. I don't think e-waste is even capable of that transition."

– "How do you figure?"

– "Consider the crossover of electromagnetic fields and the detection of spirits. Electricity is a simulation of life energy, almost too spot-on. Like forces repel... so true life energy can't coexist with it. Because they're flowing with this imitation power, I don't think electronics get a chance to develop real souls."

– "I see. Then, we can't properly call this a graveyard..."

– "...if these bodies were never truly alive."

– "I can't decide whether that makes me feel relieved, or lonely."

Merry let out an audible sigh against their eerily silent backdrop. Then she braced herself to deliver the next news.

– "But, if that's so... then why can I still feel something spiritual around here?"

Renko's eyes lit up instantly.

– "Do you? I was hoping you'd say that!"

– "It just started... which is odd, since we haven't covered all that much ground since getting here. It's as if a border connecting to somewhere else just opened."

– "That supports the second part of the theory. Like forces repel, but opposite forces attract. They may not have souls themselves, but these empty vessels surely attract souls."

It felt fairly certain, now that both of their minds had helped confirm it: Some spirit, human or non-human, seemed to have decided to take up residence in the wasteland. Merry took a moment to feel proud of herself for her invaluable contribution.

– "By the way, where do robots fit into your theory?"

– "Well... I mean, there's no doubt we're getting closer every day to the A.I. revolution."

– "Oh, my. I knew I should have tipped our e-waiter last time we went to that café."

– "But that's a completely different phenomenon than what births a tsukumogami, right? It has to do with the software, not the hardware."

– "Yes. Though, it would seem to imply that there is a border of 'false' and 'true' life that can be crossed..."

#05 Entrusting This World to Idols ~ Idolatrize World

– "Now all we have to do is narrow it down, and we'll --"

As if on cue, Renko's thoughts were interrupted by a loud crashing sound from behind... music to her thrill-seeking ears. She whirled around to catch the culprit, her eyes fixating on Merry and the dark-colored object that rested a few paces away at her feet. The blonde girl threw her hands up in a display of innocence.

– "I didn't do it. It moved on its own! I just saw it fall out of nowhere."

Renko's attempt at a professional retort failed to conceal her excited, twitching grin.

– "Merry, Merry... This is the most basic of physics. An object can't move on its own! Unless..."

They approached the rectangular object and peered over it. It seemed to be a tablet PC, roughly twenty centimeters in length. It had landed face up, luckily enough to not have not shattered the screen, though there was a significant surface crack down its center.

– "Hm..."

– "We've ruled out tsukumogami. You think it could be... a poltergeist?"

– "I don't know. Rather than an outside force, the energy seems very contained in here."

– "So then... a spirit living inside?"

– "Something like that."

In response, the light of the screen flashed briefly on and back off.

– "Ahh! Electricity, a simulation of life energy..."

– "It also works the other way around!"

This was a very lucky revelation for the two investigators, as it would have been nearly impossible to find a compatible charging cable. In an age where each and every product was developed with its own unique cord design, this feature was marketed to consumers as a collectible game; the infinite variety, a controlled channel for creativity.

The device seemed to call out to them, understanding what they wanted. The power flashed again, on and off and on, in a quirky rhythmical pattern that almost evoked a personality.

– "We've definitely found something worth taking home!"

– "Wait. Isn't it wrong to remove a spirit from the place it's attached to? We can't just adopt a ghost like an abandoned baby."

– "Like you said, it's attached to the item, not the place. We're just fostering it for a bit before it moves on!"

– "All right... Just don't raise it to be wild like you."

– "And you, Merry, make sure you don't spoil it!"

#06 Nostalgic Blood of the East ~ Old World

The pair reached Renko's dorm with the haunted vessel tucked inconspicuously into their satchel, grateful that the spirit hadn't chosen to bind itself to a full desktop monitor or CPU instead. The question moving forward would be how to unlock its secrets.

– "How old do you think it is?"

– "Because it wasn't buried under anything, it seems like we should assume it to be fairly new. But it just feels so out of place."

– "Actually, I meant the spirit."

– "Oh."

Hand in hand with the phenomenon of planned obsolescence, the fashionable aesthetics of electronics changed as often as water under a bridge. Sleek designs were popular, then retro designs, then designs that mimicked the mimicry of two eras past, a vaguely deteriorating cycle. As a result, it was difficult to tell which era this piece of technology belonged to.

– "Remember that I saw a border open? Maybe not just the spirit, but the whole item came from somewhere else..."

They had been scrutinizing the home screen for quite some time, attempting to navigate the ancient interface, and hadn't made much headway. As far as they could tell, the data was heavily corrupted, and most of its history had been erased. They were able to access only the most basic types of apps, like the calculator and the keyboard.

– "Hey, Merry. I think we should use that other thing we picked up."

– "That? I don't even understand how we would use it..."

As evidenced by her smug grin, the more scientifically-minded of the pair had full confidence in the strange idea she was about to suggest.

#07 A Tiny, Tiny Clever Commander

– "I mean, really? A mouse?"

Renko had insisted that they bring home a wired peripheral mouse, which she had spent an extra half hour scavenging for. However, of course, the end of the cable did not match the outlet on the tablet.

Currently, she was back in the scavenging position, digging through the pile of unorganized junk that cluttered her closet (mostly books and occult items). Or rather, it looked unorganized, but she seemed to know exactly where everything was. ...Or rather, Merry concluded, it truly was unorganized, but her eyes were sharp at scanning through even a complete mess. She wondered if this small pile would ever become as large as the one at the dump.

– "A-ha, found it!"

Renko had managed to track down the very particular treasure she was seeking, the final piece of their forgathered puzzle. A small cube with many variously patterned notches rested in her open palm. The material's finishing was uncolored and plain, likely to have been produced independently with a 3D printer rather than as a commercial product.

– "W-Where did you get a thing like that?"

– "I have connections you don't know, Merry."

Merry thought she had heard this line before, and felt a bead of sweat roll down her neck just like the first time. The source was certainly shady. Universal adapters were not at all legal. Treating it like a Rubik's cube, and glancing back and forth for reference, Renko cleverly manipulated the block in her hand in ways that Merry was unable to understand.

Renko's partner, who had long embraced being an accomplice, appreciated her resourcefulness; she only wished to be kept more up to date when the other girl's mental plans ran ten steps ahead. But she supposed that this was how Renko felt in return when it came to supernatural sights that she couldn't see, so perhaps they were even.

– "Just like that? Like magic..."

– "Tell me, Merry. Can you see the border of magic and science?"

With all the pieces aligned, Renko ceremoniously linked the mouse to the tablet through the intermediary box. As a pop-up window indicated the drivers being registered, it was, they determined, a truly magical feat. The light on the screen dimmed a bit, as if the spirit were expressing slight disappointment that it was no longer their only option for a power supply.

– "Still... Better technology has been around for decades. These are so unwieldly. Does anyone use an optical mouse anymore?"

– "No, but no one's done this ritual in a long time either."

#08 No More Going Through Doors

Renko took Merry's hands in her own and conveyed them in a stack atop of the mouse. Holding this pose, Merry squinted at the screen in front of her, which displayed a neatly spaced virtual keyboard with a complete set of lettering. A mild shiver ran through her, either nervousness or excitement.

– "Hang on. This setup looks familiar somehow."

– "That's right. We're having a séance!"

Although Renko was very skilled with computers, hacking was not her expertise. She did, however, have the kind of mind that was able to think around the box, discovering back doors. The opportunity here was simple: If they couldn't reach the secrets, they would consult the only one who knew -- the spirit itself.

– "Huh!?"

– "This mouse is a perfect planchette to use as an interface. Sure, we have voice and touch technology. But you don't want the spirit to possess your actual body in order to touch the screen or activate your voice, do you?"

– "Definitely not. ...Wait, did I ever say I wanted to be the medium at all?"

Merry pulled her hands back from the mouse and saw the screen's light flicker weakly.

– "Oh, er... You're right. We didn't really decide that, did we?"

– "Mm..."

– "I think you'd be better suited, but I'll gladly go first. I've always wanted to try something like this."

Merry's eyes glazed over as she thought about the prospect of communicating with the spirit. They had assumed the sealed entity was harmless enough to bring home, but could there be some risk in directly channeling it?

Then again, what was the other option? To leave their investigation at a dead end?

You don't belong on this side of the unknown.

A faint voice bubbled up inside of Merry, almost like an intrusive thought. This had been happening to her increasingly often lately, though she always forgot about it after the fact. Because, at the same time, they certainly felt like her own feelings...

Maribel Hearn was sparked with a surge of curiosity that made her want to take the lead. These were precisely the club activities she had signed up for. How much more dangerous could it be than anything else, so long as one made sure to follow the protocols and say goodbye at the end?

– "No... I'd like to do it."

Renko blinked in surprise.

– "Really? ...Well, gee, make up your mind. You made me get all excited for myself. Go ahead, but I call next!"

#09 Shoutoku Legend ~ True Administrator

Having cleared the area and turned off all the lights, Merry sat with her back straight against a chair and took a deep breath. No candle was necessary, as the warm glow of the screen cast a ring of illumination around the table. They had thoroughly discussed the questions they desired to ask, though the words felt awkward to speak out loud. Nevertheless, the young medium opened her mouth.

– "What is... your name?"

...

The atmosphere of room was deathly still. Merry let all the muscles in her arm relax, preparing.

...

I...

– "It's working...!"

The spirit was conscious and listening. The planchette began to glide beneath Merry's loose grip, landing on the letter I. When it paused on the letter for several seconds, she clicked the mouse button to confirm before the involuntary movement slowly began again.

...FO RG OT.

– "Ah. So it's going to be up to us to give it a name."

– "Did you own this tablet?"

While Merry was lost in thought about a potential name, Renko chimed in with a question of her own from the opposite side of the table. However, the spirit seemed to hesitate in answering.

Suddenly, the other girl's focus returned. On an instinct, she broke the silence with an unexpected change of the question.

– "Does this tablet own you?"

...

YE S.

– "Huh... The tablet owns the spirit? How did that happen?"

Although Renko's words were more thinking out loud than a direct question, the spirit was responsive. Merry's hand immediately began to move.

...

SN AP.

– "Snap...? That sounds kind of scary."

– "What does that mean?"

The cursor then swerved dramatically past all the letters on the keypad and down to the app menu along the bottom edge of the screen. It hovered over an icon barely recognizable as an antique camera.

– "Ah..."

The app launched, reproducing a dark, blurry image of the table on which the device's lens was turned. Upon clicking the screen, a photograph was taken, and the damaged speaker emitted a distorted snapping sound.

– "Spirit photography!"

The two girls burst out in unison, solving the riddle simultaneously.

– "Right. We've all heard the old belief that getting a photograph taken of you might steal a piece of your soul."

– "It has some basis. If captured in a photograph by accident, a minor spirit's energy might become trapped."

Somewhere in the hidden files, such a photograph must exist, binding some foreign essence to this device. The spirit was likely eager to get free.

Merry minimized the camera app and returned to the keyboard.

– "Who took the picture?"

...

Unlike its own, this name seemed to be one the spirit knew. The pair observed with bated breath as the cursor navigated itself around the maze of letters. Ultimately, it came to a halt, and Merry clicked on the final letter.

– "...Eh? Merry, stop kidding around!"

Merry turned to her partner with a genuine, solemn expression.

– "I'm... not. I swear."

Renko's face went pale. In ink-black font, three familiar syllables stood on display beside a blinking cursor.

#10 Dream World Folklore

To disprove the influence of the ideomotor effect, they had asked the question several more times, using both girls as mediums, until the spirit ultimately stopped responding altogether.

– "Oh, no. We scared it away..."

– "Well, it did spook us first."

– "Renko... You weren't kidding about your connections, were you?"

Renko scratched her head with lingering bewilderment.

– "Is the spirit messing with us? Or could it be..."

Her gaze wandered over to the stream of occult paraphernalia still spilling out of the crack of her closet door, and she experienced a strange sense of longing. The adventurous scientist was heavily accustomed to investigating mysteries from an observational and objective point of view. Finding herself personally a step closer to the subject was a bizarre and almost gut-twisting feeling. She supposed that this was how Merry felt in return when the focus of investigations was on her own powers, so perhaps they were even. Almost.

After a few more sessions of séance, they managed to navigate to an encrypted folder. A full-screen photograph had flashed open... but, before they were able to make out any details, the tablet's power instantly cut off. Following this, it no longer responded to any input.

Their assumption would be that the spirit had been able to cross over, after deleting its digital ties to the physical container and unsealing the information it was attached to.

– "I suppose this is goodbye..."

– "Is the spirit free now?"

– "I think so."

– "That's good for it, at least."

– "Too bad for you. If we kept it, maybe it would have served as your personal shikigami."

– "Isn't that a bit cold-hearted? It was supposed to be our child!"

A shikigami is the perfect phantasmal servant. The owner may input commands, and it carries out orders with extraordinary speed and calculation. Of course, a normal computer already fulfills essentially the same purpose. Outside world humans of the modern era aren't in need of such a spirit under their possession.

Even so, the force of attraction that had drawn them to cross paths with this spirit would be a mystery to chase going forward. The two present members of the Sealing Club had a new story to tell, an urban legend that could be shared only amongst themselves.

Afterwords

Hello, this is someone who absolutely promised themself that they would publish at least one Hifuu fic per calendar year. The idea for this one began with a conversation with my real-life partner (as is usually the case of inspiration) about the excellent aesthetic of using a computer keyboard as a Ouija board. This subject in turn came up because of a "ghost" that haunts her keyboard by making a certain cryptic message appear on the screen at random times because the "." and "0" keys are in an easy position for us to accidentally press. So, this story is dedicated to our precious child, ".0-chan."

Then, while it was already being written, WBaWC came out and confirmed that a technology-themed fic would be totally appropriate, and my favorite song from the soundtrack had the perfect title to be used in it. (Also, its blatant dystopian themes justified playing up the similar themes of the Sealing Club's society even more than usual.) And yet, despite many things lining up, it almost didn't get finished in time. It's been such a busy and stressful year, which I hope gets better next year...

Another source of inspiration was the blog "Yukarisuggestion," whose portrayal I respect a lot. When they drop minor bits of supernatural trivia, it definitely feels like they are coming from the youkai sage herself, very natural to accept. I latched onto these posts in particular, finding the concept fascinating, and I only hope I interpreted it acceptably. ...I was really aiming sharply this time at the Sealing Club's conversational aesthetic of "casual confidence in super obscure things that outside listeners would hear as nonsense," so I'm afraid some parts may have crossed the border of B.S.

Also, I wonder if it's okay that the second half of the song choices are almost entirely bad puns?

ASA (Our ghost child's pen name would be "0.4" / "Rei-ten-shi"!)

Hifuu CD-style stories:

» [Tumblr] [AO3] 自封夢幻〜 Sentimental Reverie

» [Tumblr] [AO3] 陶然夢幻〜 Transcendental Revelry

» [Tumblr] [AO3] 羨望横断〜 Unenviable Crossroads

» [Tumblr] [AO3] 外来土産〜 Adventive Reminiscence

» [Tumblr] [AO3] 中古技術〜 Electric Spirit Seance

» [Tumblr] [AO3] 幻想惑星直列〜 Phantasmal Syzygy

#touhou #maribel hearn #renko usami #renmerry #fanfiction

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fiddlepickdouglas · 4 years

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This is a personal rant so you can scroll on if you like.

I'm an old college kid. Like, I could be done with grad school by now, but life just didn't go that way - I still have about 2 years as an undergrad. I know it looks ~meh~ to the outside world, no matter how often people say "life isn't a race, don't worry what they think!" Well, it also doesn't help that I had to move in with my parents at the start of quarantine and had trouble finding a good job until literally this past week (which I don't start until November). I'm the almost-30 year old mooch in my parent's basement right now, literally, and I know it's not a flattering position.

Things are improving: getting a job as a bank teller that has consistent hours, opportunities to move up, and I can easily plan a class schedule around it is a blessing and a miracle.

But I wish my family in general would acknowledge one particular thing and respect it, instead of treating it like they do. I've been unofficially aware that I have something that *looks a lot like* ADHD for at least the past two years. Like, I'm positive that's it, I just haven't been able to afford seeing a doctor to get an official diagnosis. Even if I'm wrong, it's clear that I'm neurodivergent - I've always been that way. I was definitely one of those "gifted" students when I was young who later had lots of academic problems later, but I can pinpoint those problems showing up as early as the second grade.

It isn't that my parents didn't really try, but they waited until I was in middle school, when puberty hit, to finally do something and everyone including the doctors just called it depression. The medication did a little work to make me seem normal, but I discovered quickly that my parents were only happy with the results if it seemed like I was an obedient child who didn't argue or question things and I spent less time in isolation.

This made me reluctant to go to doctors because I was afraid the meds were just another control tactic and not a real solution. So we stopped. I recently asked my mom why she didn't keep looking for answers, because I continued to struggle academically (among other things). She blamed it on my stubbornness. For her, it wasn't worth understanding how my brain functioned. She preferred to decide that I was just too hard for her to understand and the only way for me to please her was to force me to conform to her as much as she could.

As a neurodivergent person who lost their job and got displaced at the peak of COVID-19, living with an undertone of shame for being the adult child in my parent's home, and all the weight of things happening this year, needless to say I'm a bit of a mess and I have barely managed it.

So, to setup what's got me bothered today: I use an app to sell slightly used clothes, but I have a small mountain of clothes (organized, but it's still kind of a lot) that I need to sell and it's been taking up space. My parents have a whole freaking house plus other storage space on top of that, and they're getting bugged about these clothes not being sold fast enough. They're not just lying around the house, they're in an out-of-the way closet except for a few that I pulled out to take pictures of.

My mom goes through them - first mistake, since I've already told her several times to keep her paws off my things because she has a track record of just getting rid my stuff and disrespecting my privacy - and picks out all the things that still had tags on them and thinks the rest can just be donated. I'm glad she only got that far before I could tell her PLEASE DON'T. And then she offered to buy some of them off me and then donate them anyway because she doesn't want me to end up like my "packrat" grandmother.

She keeps acting like I'm attached to these clothes and that's why they don't sell fast enough. That's not even it! I've just collected junk over the years, or friends have dumped their old stuff and told me to do as I wish, and I want to make money off of them! I know how stingy my mom is with certain things, and I know she wouldn't pay me what I know some of those items are worth.

And then she says she thinks it'll just take up less space in my mind, as if she's being conscious of my ADHD (which she refuses to properly acknowledge and chooses to think I'm actually somewhere on the autism spectrum although she has no idea how to handle someone with autism either).

The amount of disrespect in this makes me want to scream. I'm not being given the chance to handle my own things and being treated like a child, my personal property is not safe, and I'm being mocked in such a backhanded way it's truly astounding.

And the whole thing about my grandma? I know she is an imperfect human like everyone else but she is the sweetest and most hard-working person I know and hearing her be reduced to a "packrat" is so insulting. No need to imagine why my grandma keeps things on hand even if it's too much? Her lifestyle is giving and creating - she always cooks 5x more than necessary because she hates to see people starve, she made me and my siblings pajamas for Christmas each year until her hands couldn't do it anymore, she made her home a beautiful place for us to go to whenever we could visit and it wasn't about looks, it was about warmth. When I'm old I want to be so much like her, and yeah I'm pissed that my mom, her daughter in law, thinks of her that way.

I grew up being controlled and subdued and pressured into a mere shadow of my potential and I won't tolerate having both myself and my hero being disrespected over something that to any other rational being wouldn't even be an annoyance. And I'm tired of having to constantly guard my things in fear that they will suddenly disappear one day with only a "oops" and a shrugs from my mother.

🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕

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kimarchive · 4 years

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“keep it moving” | lil’ kim by mtv news, 2003.

"I'm locked in a five-year contract with [Kim]," said Cease, who's signed as a solo artist to Queen Bee Records. Other than albums that Kim herself has recorded, Cease's poor-selling but critically acclaimed 1999 solo debut, The Wonderful World of Cease A Leo, is the only release to come from the Queen Bee Records imprint since it was founded in 1998.

-- by Shaheem Reid, with additional reporting by Sway Calloway, Jeff Cornell and Quddus Phillipe Kimberly Jones is dying to go Hollywood, but some people are hissing that she already has. She definitely isn't the same 'round-the-way girl the Notorious B.I.G. introduced us to in 1995. Little Ms. Jones has estranged herself from old ideals and friends from her 'hood that she once considered family. She's got a fresh attitude to go with her new set of Hollywood and high-society buddies and associates, people such as Hugh Hefner, Pamela Anderson, Carmen Electra, Don King, Donatella Versace and Victoria Gotti.

Kimberly doesn't even look the same — she switches hairstyles almost as often as she changes rhyme flows. Plus she's got a new surgically altered nose to go with her voluptuous, augmented breasts. "When I decided to finally do that is when I realized I was a sex symbol," she has said about her implants. "It's something that I felt would make me have more fun with my photo shoots and enhance my look a little bit." But going Hollywood for Kim really means just that: She wants to make movies. Her dreams have nothing to do with forgetting where she came from, or — as they might say in her native Bedford Stuyvesant neighborhood — "acting brand new." Kim maintains she's the same Brooklyn girl at heart: feisty, focused and determined not to fail. Like Will Smith and, more recently, Queen Latifah, rap's Queen Bee wants to make it big in Tinsletown. Yeah, she's appeared in such flicks as "Juwanna Mann" (2002) and "Zoolander" (2001), but Kim knows she's capable of bigger roles and more explosive performances. "Being involved in different entities of the game is so much fun 'cause you don't just get stuck in one genre," she explained. "I like to be here and there. My personality and my character are versatile." But unlike the aforementioned rap legends, she still wants to keep the music industry buzzing about her material. "That's one thing I don't like," Kim said, referring to how some of her fellow MCs' music careers suffered as their movie careers took off. "Will [Smith] was doing it at one point. Regular rappers were trying to [sell] five million [albums] and he was doing seven million, with flicks out that were doing $50 million a week. That's the type of success I want to follow. I think what happens is that the rappers [who] have success in Hollywood kinda start ignoring their music. I don't think it matters to them anymore. I ain't gonna front, [if] you're getting $20 to 25 million a film ... even $10 million a film is enough to make you say, 'I don't have to do an album this year.' [But] I wouldn't do that." And that's no Hollywood talk, either. Kim not only has a movie called "Guns and Roses" due out this summer, she has a new LP, La Bella Mafia, in stores now. Named La Bella Mafia after a 1997 made-for-TV movie, "Bella Mafia," in which widows of mob figures take over the family business, this LP has been heralded as Kim's best work since her trailblazing 1996 solo debut, Hard Core. On Mafia, she runs away from the syrupy melodies and hooks that hampered 2000's Notorious K.I.M.'s "How Many Licks" and "I'm Human," which seemed to pander to radio and dancefloors. Kim's latest opus is a return to the streets, where she enlists such sound-shapers as the always-unpredictable Swizz Beatz, Scott Storch, who has co-produced some of Dr. Dre's classic jeep thumpers, and Mobb Deep's master of morose tracks, Havoc.

"She's a star, [and] people respect stars," said Havoc, who first worked with Kim on Mobb Deep's remix to "Quiet Storm." "She's smart, and most of the decisions she makes are good musically. She's among the top people in the game, and she's better than a lot of [guys]. You don't have a choice but to give her that respect." "I think she's on top of the game," concurred Queen Latifah, who recorded with Kim on the soundtrack for the Academy Award-winning film "Chicago." "I just bought her album the other day and I love it. I think it's [about] her growing up. She still ballsy, and she's still gonna pop junk to any other female rapper out there, but I like where she is right now. I like to see her in control of where she wants to go. I'm proud of her." And while Kim loves the praise she's received from her peers and fans, she feels things could still be a lot better. Although Mafia put her on pace to equal or surpass the numbers she posted with her biggest selling LP, the double platinum Hard Core (despite its lukewarm reception, Notorious K.I.M. still sold over a million copies as well), Kim wasn't pleased with La Bella Mafia's first-week sales of close to 167,000 copies. "A lot of people say 'Kim is up there,' " the Queen Bee lamented, "but I don't feel that I'm up there 'cause I haven't accomplished my goal yet, which is to sell 10 million records of one album. Imagine what people will say when I reach that point." One thing people do talk about is how long it takes Kim to churn out albums. There was a four-year gap between the first two records, and even with the widely heralded Trackmasters and the spirit of Mafia co-executive producer B.I.G. fueling this album's beats and rhymes, it took years to make as well.

"It's kind of hard because I like to take my time to make things perfect," Kim said, explaining why she always has such a long gap between projects. "I went into this album thinking, 'I'm just going to have fun with it.' I said, 'I'm going to do what I want to do. Let me do this the way I feel B.I.G would have wanted me to do this.' He's the one that taught me everything I know, and he tells me things still. That's why B.I.G is listed as the co-executive producer on my album. It's just me and him." What also slows down production is the fact that you just can't keep the black Erica Kane locked in the studio for too long. She's got her manicured hands dipped in far too many projects to be getting stuck in a sound booth all night. For one thing, she's got a new clothing line, Hollyhood, still in development, with a launch tentatively planned for the fall. A true fashion aficionado, Kim's wild outfits, trend-setting hairdos and modeling stints for Mac and Candies and have given her a strong presence in the fashion world. Hobnobbing with clothing kingpins with last names like Prada, Versace and Armani have only strengthened her cause. "When she did 'Guns and Roses,' she was on the mark," LisaRaye said of Kim's spin as Chastity, the vixen of the bunch. In addition to the movie, the two worked together on a song for the film's soundtrack. "We filmed that movie in 18 days, so you know how quick and steady the flow was," she continued. "She was actually excellent." "It was fun," Kim said with a grin. "It's like a female 'Young Guns.' Us five females, we're like sisters. When we all got together it was nothing but love. For the most part, we were all sisters on that set — we all had each other's back. I like to surround myself with good people — positive people committed to their work."

And make no mistake — if you're not committed to Kim, you can't be down. At her album release party a few weeks ago, celebrities such as Dave Chappelle, Mobb Deep, Jagged Edge and Wayne Wonder came out to one of Manhattan's newest hot spots, the Lobby, all ready to hail the Queen. Conspicuously absent were Kim's longtime running mates, Lil' Cease and the rest of the Junior M.A.F.I.A. Kim and the J.M., all friends and protégés of Biggie's, had been virtually inseparable since they were introduced back in 1995. The originally nine-member crew appeared on classic songs together, put out a gold album and performed at countless shows nationwide. When B.I.G. died, they leaned on each other during their collective time of mourning, and his memory was the glue that held them all together. And the bond was deep. When Kim went solo, she looked out for her boys as their careers stagnated. If they needed money, she hit them off. If one of her guys got in trouble with the law, as Larceny and Cease were known to do on a few occasions, Kim, the perennial mother figure, always bailed them out. At one point, the clique was so close that they all lived together in Kim's New Jersey mansion. But since then, the group's relationship has soured, and the Queen Bee has had to literally clean house. "Well, you have to move on and you have to grow," Kim said, visibly holding back venom and opting to give a more politically correct answer as to why she no longer associates with Cease and Co. "You can't be taken advantage of for too long, and it's a case where unfortunately, [the relationship] just went bad. In the same sense, I hope they do well and [that] they can find God in their hearts." On La Bella Mafia's "Heavenly Father," however, Kim's a little less restrained. She raps, "And was it enough that I split 20 percent of what I make?/ Was it enough that I cut n----s half of what I bake?"

Lil' Cease is just as angry with Kim these days as she is with him. His biggest beef with her is not that she cut him off — it's that she won't let him go. He's so miffed at his onetime homegirl that he's started a "Free Cease A Leo" T-shirt campaign.

"She's putting all this stuff out like she's not messing with me right now," Biggie's puffy-cheeked former best friend fumed. "I feel like if you [are] not messing with me, give me walking papers so I can do me. We had our differences [and] I thought we could patch them up, but honey is doing her thing. I'm not knocking her, but she still got me under paperwork. [I've] been trying to get in touch with her, [but] she's ducking me. I call the office, [but] she don't want to talk to me. I go to the office [and] I can't see her."

"There's a lot of truth to what Cease was saying," Kim retorted with a snarl before clamming up. "I don't really want to get into that. The only thing I'm concerned with is La Bella Mafia being in stores. The whole truth will come out later and I can't wait." Although Kim is being clandestine and won't say exactly when her and the Mafia started to fall out, she is more than willing to reveal when her relationship with her former manager, mentor, friend and Notorious K.I.M.'s executive producer P. Diddy went south. "I can honestly say that during the whole process of [making Notorious K.I.M.], Puff and I were like a brother and a sister arguing," said the 26-year-old. "One minute we'd be the best of friends, and then the next minute things weren't working out at all," Kim said. "Sometimes Puffy likes people to do whatever he says. I'm a creative person, an entertainer. I'm a boss lady. A lot of times when you [are] working with a boss man, you have to respect each other's opinion. I just wanted my respect and because I was young and female, I don't think he gave it to me fully." "I'm a hard coach from beginning to end," Diddy said unapologetically about his meticulous work ethic. "I'mma push an artist to [be] the best. Some artists feel [like], 'I've grown up, and I don't want you to push me this hard no more.' I can't really do that. I'm not crazy or anything, I just want to be the best. We gotta be the best every time." Kim said she was also hurt because when times got tough for her after Notorious K.I.M. received mixed reactions, Diddy abandoned her. "I loved Puffy with all my heart, [and] if you look back, I was the only one supporting him. [At the time we were making my album] I wasn't even signed to Bad Boy," she vented. "During those times I held his hands, like, 'I know these people hate you right now, but I'm with you, dawg.' Puffy can be very selfish. I had to let him go do him and I had to go do me. I needed people at that time that was going to support me 150 percent. I was only getting 50 percent. Unfortunately, I don't speak to him at all."

P. Diddy, who seems indifferent about the split, offers a simpler explanation: "I think it's [about] people outgrowing each other and people wanting different things." While Kim hasn't cut off all her old friends, she has been gravitating toward a new crowd on the road to becoming a better-rounded person. One of her biggest cheerleaders now is Victoria Gotti, a multimedia personality and the daughter of late mob boss John Gotti. The two met over a year ago at an event in New Jersey and have built a nurturing relationship. They've done their share of partying and have at least one big adventure in common: The line-slinging siren recently held her buddy to a long-standing promise to appear in one of her videos. In February, the pair braved the bitter cold to shoot the unreleased clip for Kim's song "I Came Back For You" in front of the Brooklyn Bridge. Gotti says she'd do anything for her homie. "It's weird because she's everything she is onstage and nothing like her [persona]," Gotti said, describing why such a diverse group of people show Kim love. "She is a chameleon. She can just rise to [any] occasion and fit whatever mood everybody's in. That's the one thing I adore about Kim, [and] that's the first thing that shines through. Forget her looks, forget her outrageous outfits — she's got personality that's second to none." And what Kim's hoping for is that soon, her success in all fields will be second to none. Even as her fan base broadens, she maintains that she'll never forget the gig that first put her on to all the other opportunities. In fact, she is as hungry as ever to stand out and rock the mic. "I don't ever worry about competition," she says confidently in regards to her fellow female rappers. "I do a totally different thing from all these females. Everybody feels that 'I have to be at the top.' We can all be at the top selling records. There is no 'I'm better.' I know I'm a Queen and I do what I do.' "

And what she is doing is everything.

#lil' kim #interview #mtv news #2003

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3wisellamas · 5 years

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Boxbot Headcanons 3.0

Why am I like this.

-Boxman can tell every individual robot apart and give their exact production number on sight (ex he can tell Ernesto #3341 from Ernesto #3528 even though they're identical). He refuses to discuss exactly how he is able to do this.

-Darrell is the only quadruplet who doesn't remember much from when he was little (organic brain and all that). The others like to tease him about it by making up stories about embarrassing things he may or may not have done as a toddler, and leaving him to figure out whether they're true.

-Mikayla sometimes leaves food out to lure pterodactyls onto the factory roof, and likes to watch them up there. She lowkey wishes she had bird in her design so she could fly, and sometimes convinces Shannon to hang glider her around!

-Raymond is definitely that guy that finds a new Thing, obsesses over it constantly and drags everyone around him into it, then completely loses interest after like three weeks. A few things he has done this with: bird-watching, several TV shows, competitive figure skating, meteorology, 8mm cameras, Chip Damage movies (thank goodness that one happened while Boxman was gone!), sushi preparation, straight-up witchcraft, fancy stationary.

-It's VERY rare for any of the bots to get a virus -- Boxman's more than a little paranoid about it, since he hates being sick himself, and tries to keep their servers protected from EVERYTHING -- however, if they ever do catch something, they indeed act sick just like a human, since their systems malfunction in the same ways!

-Ernesto and Jethro do have hidden mouths. They aren't where you'd think they would be, like Joe Cuppa's, and Ernesto is particularly self-conscious about people watching him eat.

-Because the vast majority of Darrell's hivemind is dedicated to constantly building more of him and his siblings, he's actually very knowledgeable about his own inner workings and construction, and is pretty good with mechanical things overall, really taking after his dad! He probably could create his own robots no problem, but unfortunately he wouldn't even know where to start with programming them -- code is his dad's and Shannon's territory, not his.

-Jethro once submitted a guest editorial to Lakewood's local newspaper. Nobody can really explain how or why, not even Ernesto, who usually translates for him to people outside the factory. Jethro keeps no less than six copies of the paper where it appeared strewn around the floor of his bedroom, and is quite proud of it.

-Shannon is a sleepwalker, oddly enough, though thankfully it doesn't happen often. It can get a bit freaky when she starts wandering the factory completely offline, without her hivemind controlling her at all. She's also occasionally a sleep-shapeshifter, too -- that's how most of her teddy bears end up decapitated.

-Darrell can get drunk. The kids found this out the hard way, after they got into their dad's secret wine stash and thought it was just regular fruit juice.

-Jethro was the last of the original four to get upgraded, since Boxy kind of ran out of ideas after the others. Since he was a baby for a long time, his older siblings still pick up and cradle him out of habit, and he still falls asleep almost immediately when either his dad or Ernesto starts singing a lullaby.

-Shannon is by far the most expensive product Boxmore sells -- shapeshifting abilities and the parts that facilitate them don't come cheap! She gets a bit jealous of her siblings sometimes since they tend to sell better (especially Jethro and Darrell, the two cheapest), but at the same time she's actually kind of proud of being the literal top-of-the-line model.

-Raymond gets distracted EASILY. Especially by mirrors, but really by anything nice and shiny and colorful. Much to Mikayla's chagrin, he got all the birb in the family. He's especially bad about movement just outside his focus, a bug from his combat programming.

-Ernesto often prepares full scripts and his ever-present notecards for a lot of social scenarios, like being polite to customers over the phone or his meetings with Lord Boxman, but even with these he can easily trip over his words. While his systems are extremely efficient at handling large amounts of business data, he tends to get a bit lost in conversations since the data there isn't as defined.

-Darrell has actually spent a night in jail (for graffiti crimes, of course). His dad and Ernesto bailed him out the next morning. The entire incident is best NOT brought up to the three of them, though it still hasn’t stopped Darrell from being a graffiti wiener, rocket-skating around Jet Set Radio-style and tagging the sewers or the dumpster behind Wiener Kabob late at night.

-Getting to be a real, actual train conductor was a dream come true for Ernesto (and the sole element he based his brainwashing plot around), since he's collected toy trains since childhood. He sometimes sets them up in the playroom, though the others don’t really share his passion.

-Darrell has a phobia of insects -- the smaller, and specifically more likely to accidentally get into his casing, they are, the worse he gets. Even just thinking that one is crawling on him freaks him out almost as much as chainsaw videos do.

And some Mr Logic for the soul:

-The clippers were indeed from Mr Logic's grandfather, technically. Lad Boxman's parents tried to visit once, on the same day their son conveniently left town for several hours until he was sure they were gone, and they dumped a lot of old junk on Logic in his place. He found the old clippers in one of the boxes, and liked them so much he requested that Boxy install them once he got back.

-Mr Logic actually gets carsick. On the extremely rare occasions he leaves the plaza, he prefers to walk everywhere. Slowly. (It doesn't help that the few times he's been in a car it was either Boxman or Gar driving, and they both drive like maniacs)

-Mr Logic has a VERY minimalist lifestyle, and doesn't really have much of a home, perfectly happy just living in an almost empty, barely-decorated room in the back of his shop -- all he really needs is an outlet to charge at and some peace and quiet at the end of his day. However, this means he absolutely panics whenever he gets a visit from a non-customer; he's not entirely sure WHAT people...do. Or like. Or how to entertain guests at all. Please let no one see how he lives.

-As an older Boxbot model, Mr Logic runs on a mix of glorb and electrical energy -- his main systems are all powered by his glorb core but any extra activity (including both combat and trimming the ol' neckline) needs to pull from a secondary battery. Unfortunately, that battery barely holds a charge anymore, to the point he sometimes just stays plugged in, but he refuses to try and go back to Boxmore to request a new one.

#ok ko #ok ko let's be heroes #if cn won't air new episodes i may end up with my own freaking canon for these guys at this rate #emheadcanons

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aion-rsa · 4 years

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How The Animaniacs Reboot Will Be Both Fresh and Timeless

https://ift.tt/36216Vt

Ever since getting the role of Snow Job in the ’80s GI Joe animated series, Rob Paulsen realized that his future was not in a local rock band or appearing in commercials, but in the realm of voice acting. Through the decades, Paulsen has taken on many iconic roles, such as Raphael from the ’80s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Donatello from the 2012 reboot, Carl Wheezer from Jimmy Neutron, Mighty Max, Major Glory from Dexter’s Lab, PJ from Goof Troop, Steelbeak from Darkwing Duck, Buck Tuddrussel from Time Squad, and hundreds more.

He’s also a survivor of throat cancer and recently wrote a book about it called Voice Lessons.

Of course, two of his biggest roles that come to mind are Yakko Warner, Pinky, and Dr. Scratchansniff characters from the beloved animated series Animaniacs. Wouldn’t you know it, that series will be coming back this November!

We got an opportunity to talk with Rob about the show’s big return, his book, and what it’s like to be the voice of so many childhoods.

Den of Geek: My first question is about the Animaniacs reboot. So it’s on its way back, which I think we all collectively need right now.

Rob Paulsen: Amen, my friend.

The characters are, by design, timeless. But it’s been a couple decades, so it’s a new show. What is new to the table? What’s being brought in that’s kind of like, “This is the new show.”

Well, it’s… Here’s a little inside baseball. I saw the opening title scene yesterday for the first time. The “It’s time for Animaniacs…” the little song, right?

Never heard of it.

Right. And it’s so cool because it starts out with what everybody knows. You will watch it. As soon as you hear the first downbeat, you’ll go, “Oh my God. I’m 11. I’m 15,” whatever you were. And then it morphs into this appropriate acknowledgement of the zeitgeist, that is to say, the lyrics already tell you right off the bat that we’re in a different time. The lyrics… and it will take people a few times to listen to because we blow through them pretty quick. I’m not going to give it away because I want you to be surprised, but the lyrics in the opening title scene, they let you know that they’re self-aware. They get that the time we’re in is now, and the Animaniacs understand that.

So right away, it, in my view, dispels any fears of them not being hip or getting it. Right away. It’s just, “Okay. Here’s where we are. We know this was a while ago, but here’s… this is the time it is now, and off we go.” And so you already know, and the episodes do not deviate from that. They are appropriately lampooning with currently sacred cows. And it’s a freaking hoot. I was telling folks yesterday that I’m a little bit concerned when things go so well. It’s crazy how humans react. We’re always… And I understand why, because of the nature of what we’re going through. But that show, when we did it, from a clean sheet of paper, turned out to be what you and I are talking about 25 years later and there are, I don’t even know, tens of millions of fans of Animaniacs and Pinky and the Brain. I know how important this is to Spielberg, which alone makes it a big deal.

I’m used to things where whatever you’re working on was a big deal, was a lot of money, lot of music. Well, we got some things back, and they got to tweak them, and they might push the release back. You’re used to that. Doesn’t mean the shows going to be a piece of junk.

We got the first stuff back, and everybody’s flipping out.

“What did Steven say?”

“Oh, he couldn’t stop laughing.”

“Are you kidding?”

“No. Look at the video.”

I mean, it’s just… It’s going SO WELL. Everybody, from Steven on down… And trust me, these guys are spending a lot of money, pal. And so if they want to have their input, and they’re going “Oh, no, no, no, no. I don’t really like the way Yakko’s head looks.” Trust me. They’ll stop you. Because it’s a shit ton of money! Not mine, but you’re talking about spending 60 million or whatever. It’s a lot of money, and so they’re not going to just say-

“Good enough.”

Right? None of that is happening. Everybody gets it. I think it’s because the people who are making it are your age, within a few years, and they know how high the bar is. And they were inspired to do this gig because of Animaniacs and Pinky and the Brain. So now in the studio, I’ve got to tell you, I’ve seen more than once, men and women writers on the show who will come in and be there when we’re recording, and they sort of get tearful because they think, “Oh my God. I wrote those words, and I hear them coming out of Pinky and the Brain.” That blows my mind, and it’s really cool to watch because it just doesn’t get a representation of how seminal this show was to so many people who are now in creative arts. It’s a wonderful thing to be a part of.

We haven’t seen any of the real footage of the show’s return, so in the meantime, can you give us any completely fake spoilers? Stuff that’s absolutely not going to happen on the show?

Yes. It is absolutely not going to happen that Dolly Parton will sing in the opening title.

Crap.

That will not happen. Dolly Parton, as much as a lovely woman she seems to be, has nothing to do with the opening theme song of Animaniacs. I can guarantee you that. Let’s see. I can tell you this, that so far, there don’t appear to be as many of the secondary characters as there were in the original show. The original show is a variety/magazine type show, which is where Pinky and the Brain obviously got their foothold and turned out to be their own franchise. So right now, we don’t have Rita and Runt, Mindy and Buttons, Katie Ka-Boom, all those other secondary characters. But there are new ones and other ones.

The ethos that Mr. Spielberg and Tom Ruegger created 25 years ago remains, and that is that Yakko, Wakko, and Dot are the ringleaders. Pinky and the Brain, one could argue, could have their own show without Yakko, Wakko, and Dot. They’re a big deal on their own. And so it wouldn’t have made sense to exclude Pinky and the Brain and Yakko, Wakko, and Dot. In other words, they couldn’t redo the whole thing and say, “We’re going to have Gakko, Kakko, and Smakko,” or whatever. It had to be Yakko, Wakko, and Dot. And frankly, it had to be all three voice actors according to Steven because this is Hollywood, and often in animated shows, you’ll see now that they’ll bring in celebrity talent for their celebrity.

And I mean, I’m an old dog in Hollywood. I know how celebrity works. I accept it. All of that. But it is yet another testament to the experience and the heart of a guy like Steven Spielberg who literally can call any actor in the world and say, “We’re redoing Animaniacs.”

“Oh God, I love that show.”

“Yeah. Me too. We just thought that Liam Neeson should be—”

Hahahaha! Oh God. Can you in the Yakko voice say the line, “I have certain skills…”

(Yakko voice) “Oh, yeah. I have certain skills. Yeah, that’s right. I have… ‘certain’ ‘skills’.”

But you see my point. You’re laughing about it, and it’s true. We laugh about it all the time. Check this out. Maurice’s take on it, because he’s been having dreams at night, because there had been rumors for a reboot for a couple years before it happened. And it’s Hollywood. Shit happens and does happen all the time. And so Maurice said, “My worst fear is that they’re going to hire Peter Dinklage as the Brain and Russell Brand as Pinky.”

*cracks up*

Yeah. And I did what you’re doing. I couldn’t stop laughing. I just thought, (Pinky voice) “Egad! You really are a short fellow!”

I’m just imagining the two of them doing live-action cosplay.

Oh, yeah. Right?! No kidding! It’d be fantastic! But again– Isn’t it great that all we’re talking about is making us laugh? That the bottom line is that the unchallenged King of Hollywood chose, and he said it was never a question, never a question of, “How can we make this here work? Should we hire…” I don’t know, give me a famous young female popstar, “to be the voice of Dot. Cross-promote. She’s already got eight million Twitter followers.” All that stuff. That never entered into the equation. It was all about the reason these characters are beloved is for many reasons, and not the least of which are the actors who all can still do it at the same level, and they want to. And so, okay, that’s taken care of. That’s a big deal. Do you know what I mean?

That in and of itself tells you a lot about how important Steven views this property because it was not about who can sell the most merchandise, who’s got the most Twitter followers. It was about this show is a show that’s successful for its own sake. You’re talking to 50% of the Ninja Turtles, pal. I know all about action figures. And I’m very proud of that show still. It will go on and inspire artists for decades to come. But Animaniacs is not about that. And when you have a piece of art for the sake of the art, and Mr. Spielberg utterly gets that, it’s being done for the right reasons. Obviously, there’ll be merchandise. Great. But it’s not about who’s famous enough to bring 10 million extra followers to the show. It’s not about that. And I’m so proud of the whole experience, man. It’s really something.

So “Yakko’s World” is a “Stairway to Heaven” of Animaniacs songs.

Right. And I’ve used that line my own self. You’ve got excellent taste. That’s exactly what I say. When we do Animaniacs Live with orchestras and stuff around the country, it’s just incredible. Really fun.

Around where I live, there’s a rock station that always does the best classic rock songs, but the joke is, “We all know what number one is.”

Right. It’s got to be “Stairway.” It’s got to be. Yeah. And so I tell people all the time, it’s like, “Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much. It’s been a wonderful evening, and before we finish tonight, we just want to let you know that to the extent that you spent this money and waited an hour and a half for this song, here’s our ‘Stairway to Heaven.’” Everybody flips out, and it’s fantastic. And that song… And again, I’m good at my job, but in Hollywood, you could throw a dart and hit a good singer. They may not like getting hit with a dart, but you see my point. I’m really good at my job, but Jesus Christ, I ought to be. I’ve been doing it for 40 years. But what you cannot do in Hollywood or New York or Nashville is hit someone who could write that type of music over and over and over again. And Randy Rogel is a uniquely gifted individual and profoundly overachieving. I mean, the guy is… He’s a West Point grad. He’s a graduate of Boston University. He was a huge success in corporate American. Then he thought, “No. I’m really about music and comedy,” and got a gig on Batman: The Animated Series and won an Emmy. And then he heard about this fun cartoon music show called Animaniacs. He banged on that door. And check this out:

Animaniacs Reboot Hulu Release Date Set for November, Season 2 Confirmed for 2021

By Joseph Baxter

Pinky and the Brain, Tiny Toon Adventures, and Animaniacs Come To Hulu

By Shamus Kelley

His audition piece to get the gig on Animaniacs, which ultimately won him three more Emmy’s because he’d already won one on Batman… But the song that he wrote and he had in his back pocket to get him the gig was “Yakko’s World.” Now, that’s pretty freaking remarkable, that you’re going like, “Wait a minute. This is where we’re STARTING? This is what you got to say what do you think?” That’s just outrageous. And he has not disappointed. He’s written a bunch of new songs for the new show. But I have to tell you that every single time we do “Yakko’s World,” it gets a standing ovation. And people have heard it. I mean I can do it backwards and forwards and all that. But I’ve don’t it a zillion times. And it’s not… Randy and I are the ones getting the accolades. It’s very wonderful, but it’s not about us. And we know that. It’s that fucking song. It’s so wonderful and so unique and it’s just a privilege to be able to perform it. It’s wonderful.

But what’s the second place? What’s you’re second favorite of all of all time?

Favorite of Randy’s? Oh God. That’s a tough call. But we do, in the show, the live show, we do probably 20 songs, 25 songs including songs that didn’t make it and a bunch of songs from a follow-up show with that crew called Histeria!. There was some brilliant songs in that. But my second favorite I think has to be… Well, there are two that really come to mind. One is called “I’m Mad” in which Yakko, Wakko, and Dot go on a day trip with Dr. Scratchansniff, who I also played that character as well. And the kids get into a fight in the car, and it’s a really wonderful song and an excellent cartoon pattern, back and forth. It’s just great. I love “I’m Mad.”

And also, Randy wrote a song. He was charged with responsibility of trying to teach young folks the concept of time, and he wrote a song called “When You’re Traveling from Nantucket.” And I love that song. Just a little bit of it goes,

“When you’re traveling from Nantucket through Chicago to St. Paul, And you’re standing at an airport and you look upon the wall, There’s a clock for every city and a different time for all, From Asia through Malaysia to Peru. Did you ever wonder why that when it’s six o’clock in Maine, At precisely the same moment it is eight AM in Spain? When it’s breakfast time in Rome, they’re having lunch in the Ukraine, And it’s supper up in upper Kathmandu. If the Earth is spinning faster while the sun is moving past her, then a day might only be an hour long. And school, when they begin it, would only last a minute, and everybody’d have to run along. If the Earth were the planet that was closest to the sun, A year would be much shorter, and you’d have a lot of fun. Because the time you’re in first grade, you’d be over 21, And you’d live to be 903 or 4.”

I mean, that’s genius!

I think I just went cross-eyed right there…

Right? And what he’s saying is true. But it’s presented in such a way that it’s whimsical, it’s entertaining, it’s a little mind-blowing. It makes you go, “Whoa, whoa, wait, what?” And it’s all true because it’s all physics. It’s all science. We know that all of that stuff is true. We just look at a clock. But he explains in two minutes and change about the concept of why that works.

He says,

“The international date line is an imaginary cleft. Today is on the right side, tomorrow on the left. So when you cross it, do you then arrive the day before you left? That’s how it’d work. It’s quite berserk, you see? So if you were born in China, while I’m born in Carolina, Then you’re ahead of me, you see? But the way I’ve got it reckoned, if we’re born in the same second, Then why should you be a day older than me?”

And it’s exactly the sort of thing that you go how does he… What the… Wow. Wait a minute. I’m going to Australia, and it’s tomorrow? What? So that’s my second favorite song for precisely the same rambling reason I gave you. I know I have a tendency to talk too much, but hell, I’m Yakko, so that’s what I do.

About a year ago, you released your autobiography Voice Lessons where you discuss some of your biggest roles, your bout with throat cancer, Bob Seger being awesome, Mel Brooks being less than awesome, and so on. What was the impetus that made you want to write the book?

Thank you for asking and mentioning the book. It was a big deal for me.

I had had many very well meaning fans, very kind, generous fans say to me, “Dude, you should write a book,” kind of in the same thing of what you were so kind to say at the beginning of our chat, my prodigious IMDB page, whatever. Well, look at Frank Welker’s, look at Maurice’s, look at Tress MacNeille. Jesus. All of them. Danny Castellaneta, Hank Azaria, all of us, because of animation can knock out two or three episodes in a day, and after 20, 30 years, it looks a lot more impressive than it is. Nonetheless, I had a lot of characters in my wheelhouse that had a profound effect on millions of people. And I started to meet these fans, and they were very kindly suggesting, “Oh my God, Mr. Paulsen. You really should write a book.” And I accepted the compliment and the spirit in which it was delivered, and I’m very grateful. But I honest to God…

Look, I’ve grown up in Hollywood. I was 22 when I moved here. And I understand celebrity, and I understand the relative nature of celebrity and it’s power. But again, like I said, I didn’t really understand the power of the characters because I’m not recognized walking down the street. Now, I get it. But in those days, this is probably 8, 10 years ago, I said, “Man, that’s really sweet, but the last thing the world needs is another celebrity memoir from a non-celebrity.” And it’s not false modesty. I am not Brad Pitt. I am not George Clooney. I am not George Hamilton. I’m Rob Paulsen. I’m good at my job, but the characters are famous. I don’t draw them. I don’t write them. And I could never do that. It is a deeply collaborative effort that makes me come across like a freaking rockstar. So there was no reason for me to write a self-aggrandizing book. My ego doesn’t work that way.

BUT, a big giant but, then I got throat cancer. And while I never freaked out, I never said, “Oh my God! I have throat cancer! I’m a voice actor! Why couldn’t it be hair cancer?!” I didn’t do that because what I had learned in the interim between when nice people said I should write a book and my cancer was, as I had mentioned, the extent to which these characters have. Their words sometimes saved their lives. Their words. Over and over again. That’s at the… the most powerful end. At the very least, it’s, “You have no idea how much joy this brought to me and my father,” or, “I didn’t get along with my dad on anything. In fact, we hated each other. Then he introduced me to Pinky and the Brain, and we bonded. My dad passed away a year ago. I’m fine with it. But you have got to know…” Okay. So all that stuff, and it was countless times that it happened.

And when I got diagnosed with throat cancer and people found out after the fact, because my wife and I didn’t put it out there. We didn’t want sympathy, we didn’t need… I was 59 years old when I was diagnosed. Even if the doctors had said, “Dude, you’re on your way out. You better go home and get your shit in order,” I had nothing, nothing about which to be sad. Nothing. But what happened was, I made it. The treatment was absolutely brutal for obvious reasons. Mouth, throat, can’t eat, can’t swallow. It’s rough. It is for everybody. But you know what? It’s not as rough as your eight year old boy not making it through leukemia or your six year old girl who talked to Pinky and then six days later, parents call and say, “Tiffany passed away, but thank God she got to talk to Pinky.” And that stuff happens all the time. All the time. I have boxes of letters that are personally just unbelievable compelling.

That is the story, that my experience with throat cancer taught me through these characters and hundreds of children that Yakko, Raphael, Donatello, Carl, you name it have spoken to. And we all do it, not just me. But in my case, I had a very unique cancer because of what I do. And that story was powerful because not only did I make it through, but I learned the real power of those characters. They helped me get through THE most difficult year of my life. I mean, it was rough. But the people out there whose children passed away years before I got my cancer, they got ahold of me and said, “Hey, here’s the last picture of you talking to Jordan before he died of lung disease. Remember this? We heard about your struggle, Mr. Paulsen. Please know how much those characters meant to our son who’s been gone now for 10 years. But we have this picture on our wall, and it’s you talking to him. And you probably don’t remember.” And often I didn’t.

But they sought me out to tell me how powerful these characters were. Then I thought, now the book is worth it. I’m not going to sell a million copies of that book. Doesn’t matter. It was an appropriate thing to do, and it’s a clear example and a compendium of how powerful joy is, how powerful laughter is, and that courage, empathy, kindness, joy, laughter, like love, often come from the most unexpected places. And in my case, it was from a bunch of freaking cartoon characters that people say saved their lives in some respects or made their children’s deaths more tolerable. And if they say that to me, it’s got to be the same for Kevin Conroy. It’s got to be the same for Mark Hamill. It’s got to be the same for Maurice, Tom Kenny. So that’s what this was about. It’s just, I’ve learned so much about all of them from these parents and their children. And that’s why the book is important to me.

Well, for the last question, going back to the book, I want to take something from it and just kind of flip it around back at you. You got to work with Russell Johnson, the Professor from Gilligan’s Island. And the question you asked him is the question I’m going to ask you right now:

What’s it like to be part of television history?

Oh, bless your heart. It is a bigger privilege than I could have ever imagined. Thank you very much, firstly, for suggesting that I am. And I’m not going to be so coy and so silly as to suggest that I am not because I am. And it doesn’t have to be… It’s one of those things. I am. When you’ve done this much work, you are, like it or not. I love it because it means that I’ve fulfilled my dream. I’ve made it. I’ve been rich, and I’ve been poor. Rich is better. I am not independently wealthy. I am still going to try to make as much money as I can. But if I die at this moment, apart from the fact that it would be inconvenient for you and probably leave my car stranded in the middle of the street, I’ve made it. I’ve done what I set out to do. And I don’t have a star on the Walk of Fame. I don’t have an Oscar. I have an Emmy and a couple of Peabody’s and a bunch of other things, and I’m very proud of those. But I really do know, especially because I’m not a celebrity, that that is not what it’s about. The Emmy and five bucks will get you a Frappuccino. I’m not going to give it back, but it’s not about that. It’s about the relationships. It’s about the characters, their timelessness.

Russell Johnson, I don’t know if it’s in the book because I frankly don’t remember, but what Mr. Johnson told me when I… I asked him that question. You’re right. And he could not have been more gracious, though he’d probably been asked a zillion times. I mean, Jesus Christ. He’s the freaking Professor! And you don’t even have to qualify him. You go, “The Professor? Oh, yeah. Gilligan’s Island. Okay.” Pop culture icon. And he said essentially the same thing I’m saying, “You know. Didn’t make a lot of money on the show. I made 1500 bucks a week at the top of the show.” Now, 1500 bucks a week in the 60s was a good living, but not even close to… Okay.

But he said, “You know what, Rob? My wife and I had a six weeks tour of Europe, and even when we were staying at monasteries with brothers who were almost sworn to silence, celibacy and silence, every single person knew who I was. And every single time, they wanted to hug me, embrace me, show me that they once dressed up like the Professor for Halloween.” And he said, “I don’t even… When I’m dead, that will still be going on.” And he’s right. Gilligan’s Island is playing all over the world.

And when I’m dead and gone, hopefully a little later because I’m definitely closer to the end than the beginning, but because of my incredible good fortune, working with the best of the best… All of them, by the way, are lovely people. That’s what this is about. The joy of the people to create joy that translates to hundreds of millions of others is what it’s all about. We were paid well, and that’s all true. But you spend the money, and ultimately, as they say, you can’t take it with you. And what I’m leaving behind, and what all these… Seriously. I’m dead freaking serious. I would have to work really hard to come up with one person who you would know and their work, who is anything but not only professional but just delightful, including celebrities with whom I know with work and know very well. Really nice, nice, nice people. That’s what it’s about. Nice people, talented people with the best of the best.

And I got to work with Steven… Now, this my sixth time. And as a result of all of that, my legacy is nothing but joy. Period. How much better can one’s life be? I don’t know. Maybe things will change, but I’m not going to be able to write a check for eight million bucks to open a hospital wing. But I don’t need to. I got paid to do what used to get me in trouble in high school, and after 40 years of it, and maybe another 10 or 12 to go, I will have fulfilled my dream way, way, way more than I ever could have imagined. And when I’m dust, you will be talking to maybe you’re grandkids, “I talked to, oh what was his name? Ron? Ron Paulmen? Yeah. He seemed like a pretty decent guy. He didn’t shut up for a whole freaking hour, but he seemed like a decent guy. Oh, yeah. Oh my God. This is the second version of Pinky and the Brain. Yeah this is from 2021. Yeah check this out.” And that’s what it’ll be. Bugs is 80 years old, and people still love Bugs. So anyway. That’s my story, and I sadly am not able to be more concise. But I hope you understand how much I appreciate my circumstances, moreover, nice people like you giving me so much time to talk about it.

It’s been nothing but a pleasure.

Thank you, buddy.

And that was a hell of an answer.

Thank you. It’s the freaking truth. It happens every day. Every day. Now it’s because I’m wearing a mask that a fan might have made for me of Ninja Turtles or Raphael or whatever. I’ve got a bunch of them, and they’re really sending them to me. So I’ll wear a mask. I had an Animaniacs one on the other day at Trader Joe’s. And a person said, “Oh my God. I love your mask. Where did you buy that?” And I explained what I did, who I was. The blood drained out of the guy’s face. He said, “Are you kidding me?” He said, “Wait a minute. Are you Rob?”

And I said, (Yakko voice) “Yes I am. Here’s my driver’s license.” And the guy started shaking. I mean, it was… You would have thought he met one of the Beatles. But it was just happy. It was just joy.

And I know he’s going to call his buddies, and it’s going to be, “Oh my God. This old guy walked into and he’s got gray hair, but as soon as he said, (Pinky voice) ‘Egad! Poit! Narf!’ it didn’t matter!”

cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "106e33c0-3911-473c-b599-b1426db57530", }).render("0270c398a82f44f49c23c16122516796"); });

And that’s what this is about.

The post How The Animaniacs Reboot Will Be Both Fresh and Timeless appeared first on Den of Geek.

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shirlleycoyle · 5 years

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The Fleshlight Is a Portal to the Future of Sex

“It’s quite possible someone’s having sex with me right now and I don’t even know it,” adult performer and director Stoya told me.

Her vulva is for sale on the internet and in stores. Or rather, a rubbery, lifelike mold of her vulva is, in the form of a Fleshlight. The outside of it looks almost exactly like her actual body. The inside is a labyrinth of corkscrew shapes, nodules, and ridges. It’s dubbed “The Destroya,” a name that, nine years after the product launched, still makes her laugh.

Fleshlight manufacturer Interactive Lifeforms LLC has sold more than 75,000 Destroyas and more than 15 million Fleshlights total since the company started 20 years ago. It averages around 20,000 retail orders every month, according to a spokesperson for the company.

At around 1.63 pounds each, that’s nearly 24.5 million pounds of fucktoy floating around, taking up space in closets, nightstands, and under beds around the world.

The Fleshlight is an artifact of the sexually adventurous, technologically innovative 90s, but it’s become the face—and lips, and anus, and lips—of the male sex toy industry. The fact that a disembodied vulva and vaginal canal to jerk off into exists in 2019, the era of #MeToo and grabbed pussies and tabloid uproar over sex robots, shows the often contradictory intersection of sex and technology.

On one hand, the Fleshlight is a portal to new forms of sexual openness, allowing people, even those who think of themselves as heterosexual men, to engage in sex that moves away from old notions of gender and the biological body in general. On the other, the Fleshlight is also the reduction of a person to a replica of their reproductive organs. But 21 years since its inception, Fleshlight, the people who use them, and sex toy experts are realizing that maybe people don’t need an exact replica of a vulva or anus to get off. Sex toys are increasingly taking on more abstract, functional forms, and the future of the Fleshlight and toys like it may rely less on using replicas of disembodied genitals.

Today, the Fleshlight is polarizing even for the people who use it. No matter your opinion of the ubiquitous brand, it’s made an undeniable mark on human sexuality and the world.

Hundreds of years from now, if sentient life still exists on Earth, when archeologists dig up the still-intact bits and pieces of plastic casings containing rubberized genitalia, what will they think of the Fleshlight? Will it be considered an antiquated representation of how society literally objectified and commodifed sexual pleasure, or a turning point in the normalization of sex toys for all people, and our first step into a world where technology is an inseparable part of sex?

The answer, according to people who make them, use them, and are them, is both.

WHAT MAKES A FLESHLIGHT

The original Fleshlight model consists of a 10-inch plastic tube casing with a soft sleeve inside. You stick an erect dick (plus some water-based lube) into one end, grip ridges on the outside of the casing, and stroke the penis inside of the sleeve. You fuck the tube, come in the tube, then (ideally promptly) unscrew the whole apparatus and rinse it out with water (soap could degrade the material) and dry it.

Earliest archived version of Fleshlight.com, captured May 1998

Why the Fleshlight exists is a complicated story that’s become seminal sex toy lore. If the many interviews given by the company’s founder Steve Shubin are to be believed, the Fleshlight was born from his desire to get off while his spouse was pregnant.

In the late 90s Shubin, a former member of the Los Angeles Police Department’s SWAT team, and his wife Kathy were expecting twins. Both in their 40s, the couple was advised by doctors that because of their age and the fact Kathy was having two babies, the pregnancy was high-risk. He claims they were told not to have sex again until after the baby was born.

“I asked my wife ‘would you think I was a pervert if I told you there was something that I could use, sexually?'” Shubin told Wired in 2008. “But the adult store had only junk. Just crap. I thought, I can make something better, and took $50,000 of our savings to start working on it.”

Image from the 1997 patent filing for a “discrete sperm collection” device.

Shubin’s first patent filing, in 1995, was for a “female functional mannequin,” a hard sex doll torso. He called his next invention, which boiled the whole doll down to just the genitals, a “device for discreet sperm collection.” The proto-Fleshlight.

This version of the Fleshlight was pretty similar to what we see on the market today. But the description Shubin laid out in the 1997 patent filing was much more clinical. The product was framed as useful for sperm banks or doctors’ offices.

It also predicted some of the embarrassment many men feel from tucking a sex toy away in their own homes:

While my [sex doll] patent succeeds admirably in fulfilling the objects of that invention, it has several characteristics that prevent it from universal acceptance. When the torso mannequin is used in sperm banks, doctor’s offices, and other public facilities, it is sometimes intimidating to the patient being treated or may have an adverse effect upon the patient’s sexual desire and ability to deposit sperm. […] When the device of my patent is used in the home, or by those who find such a mannequin to be positive in nature, there is the concern that others will still find the object during a casual visit to the home.

The earliest version of Fleshlight.com that’s archived online, captured in 1998, shows a company attempting to carve a path as the first widely-accepted male sex toy by characterizing it as a requirement of virility, manliness, and insatiable sex drive. From an archive of Fleshlight’s “Our Philosophy” page circa May 1998:

The need for sexual gratification is as present and as powerful in a man as it is in the stallion. But where the stallion has no ability to wait, relentlessly pursuing his desire until he is satisfied or restrained, man has the ability to control his desires through fantasy… That release has to be done in a responsible way or we risk our relationships, expose ourselves to disease, take a chance with unwanted pregnancy, or even, in extreme cases, break the law.

The market, and we as a species, were primed for this thing to succeed. Hallie Lieberman, sex historian and author of Buzz: The Stimulating History of the Sex Toy, told me that artificial vaginas and sleeves date as far back as the 1600s—the first being Japanese masturbators made from tortoiseshell and velvet, she said. Artificial vaginas were sold in the U.S. as early as the late 1800s, she said, and Doc Johnson debuted the “pocket pal” in the late 1970s. Pocket pals look a lot like Fleshlights without the hard case around them (therefore, like long fleshy sandworms), and the labias themselves are a lot more realistic-looking compared to Fleshlights’ more smooth, almost cartoonish aesthetic.

Doc Johnson’s “Pocket Pal,” as seen for sale on Amazon.

When Fleshlight hit the market in the late 1990s, sex toys marketed to male customers still mostly consisted of “pocket pussies,” “those disembodied, often clunky looking artificial vaginas—sometimes with fake pubic hair,” Lynn Comella, associate professor of gender and sexuality studies at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas and author of Vibrator Nation, told me. “They were really kind of gross looking and for years, many women-friendly retailers, such as Good Vibrations, refused to carry them because they felt that displaying disembodied female body parts didn’t fit with their women-friendly vibe.” (San Francisco-based Good Vibrations became the first sex-positive, women-friendly sex shop in the U.S. in 1997.)

“Some Fleshlight designs actually depict women’s genitals beautifully, like a more commercialized version of a Georgia O’Keefe painting.”

Since time immemorial, men have been fucking whatever they can get their hands on, whether it be rubber gloves, toiler paper rolls, couch cushions, fruit, teddy bears, etc. A story about a Redditor who jerked off into a coconut, then later had his penis covered by maggots (he did it multiple times with the same coconut), has become treasured Reddit lore. There are also communities committed to exploring upscale DIY masturbators by refashioning Pringles cans, sponges, and building a better Fleshlight.

The Fleshlight arrived in a perfect pro-masturbation societal storm, Lieberman said: On the heels of the safe sex messaging of the 1980s AIDS crisis, in the midst of cultural landmarks like Seinfeld’s 1992 episode “The Contest” which grappled with masturbation both male and female, and as the White House forced Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders to resign in 1994 for suggesting masturbation should be taught in school. In the 90s, masturbation, for better or worse, was discussed more openly than ever.

Shubin couldn’t have happened into a better time to unveil a tasteful sex toy for penis-having people. But the Fleshlight founder’s reputation is controversial: he’s waxed nostalgic in interviews about his time as an aggressive LAPD cop, and the company’s Glassdoor reviews are generally abysmal.

In 2010, Stoya stopped by the Fleshlight headquarters in Austin, Texas before her mold was made, and described Shubin as a “mountain of a man” who normalized the absurdity that surrounded him.

“He was like, ‘We’re having a meetin’ about selling your vulva, in a can, in a box,'” she said. “It suddenly seems so reasonable and everyday when you’re talking, but you get back to regular life and it’s like, Ha, there are like 100,000 replicas of my pussy floating around.”

USER EXPERIENCES

When I went looking for Fleshlight users, nearly 200 people messaged me to voluntarily talk about their Fleshlight experiences.

“It felt a lot better than I thought it would, which kind of depressed me tbh,” one Fleshlight user told me. “Made me miss actual physical intimacy. Hence why I only used it like 5 times.”

I offered all of them anonymity in order to speak freely about their private, sexual experiences, and asked the ones who requested anonymity to explain why they didn’t want to be named. Almost all of them cited some element of social stigma or shame.

The overwhelming majority of these people were male-identifying. Many said they were lapsed Fleshlight or non-Fleshlight pocket pussy enthusiasts—guys who told me they’d been gifted a masturbation sleeve of some kind, years ago, or bought one on a whim, and used it once or twice before casting it aside again. Several cited the difficulty of cleaning the Fleshlight for why they don’t use it more.

At least three cited some hazing ritual in college, or sharing one pocket pussy with an entire group of male friends.

Several described feeling a sense of disgust with themselves after using it.

“Used it like 4 times, post nut clarity hit extra hard, & now it’s somewhere in my closet soaked in semen & dust,” said one person.

Almost everyone who spoke to me said the feeling of masturbating into a fake vagina is nothing like the real thing.

“They’re billed as lifelike, and they simply are not,” one said. “Of course! It’s a chunk of rubber at the end of the day. It’s not a bad thing, they feel good.”

A few men told me that they use Fleshlights due to physical disability, to increase stamina, or conditions that make it difficult for them to have sex otherwise. One said he bought his online when he was 22. Because he has cerebral palsy, finding sexual partners is difficult. A Fleshlight, he thought, would make imagining the experience more vivid.

“It was what I expected, but it was also more difficult to enjoy for me as my hand would cramp from using the plastic container thing it came with for extra suction,” he said. “As a disabled user, it allowed me the freedom and knowledge that sex toys were definitely for me! It helped me deal with some of the loneliness that I was experiencing.”

I also spoke with Dan Cooper, senior editor at Engadget, about his experience reviewing a Fleshlight Launch—the company’s digital product made with teledildonics company Kiiroo, that moves up and down on its own, in tandem with porn scenes. Cooper’s childhood phimosis (a condition that causes over-tightening of the foreskin) led to him needing a medical circumcision, which he said gave him limited sensitivity during sex or masturbation.

“Even as someone who thinks of themselves as sex-positive, I’ve always held the view that Fleshlights were a bit sad,” Cooper told me. “I’d assumed that they wouldn’t have worked with my broken genitals, but it was revelatory how effective (and fun) they are to use.”

A few wives and girlfriends told me why they bought their male partners Fleshlights as gifts. Their stories usually involved buying masturbators as a couple, to use while traveling or in long-distance relationships. Some said they were gifts to use during military deployments.

Karabella, a trans woman and porn performer, told me that she first encountered a Fleshlight in 2012, on her first big production shoot. “I’d never even heard of a ‘pocket pussy’ before, but [the director] pulled out a brand new one and handed it to me,” she said. “It wasn’t exactly inviting when I first slid into the butthole-shaped slit of cold silicone, so I initially started to lose my erection. However, as it began to warm up around me it was increasingly difficult to differentiate between it and real flesh.” Seven years later, using a Fleshlight has become a staple of her cam shows and performances.

HOW IT’S MADE

Beyond what’s publicly available on the Fleshlight website, specific details about the production of Fleshlights are a closely-guarded company secret. No one outside the company seems to know what the soft, skin-like material—trademarked as “Real Feel SuperSkin”—is made out of.

Kristen Kaye, Fleshlight’s Head of Business Development until late last month when she left the company, said that the material “is indeed proprietary.” She told me she believes it is biodegradable, and “made of natural materials, mostly.”

The closest I came to finding the secret recipe for SuperSkin was through the founder of FleshAssist.com, a website devoted to all things Fleshlight and masturbators. A 24-year old web developer who goes by the pseudonym John started FleshAssist in 2014 after years spent frequenting Fleshlight forums. He told me in an email that ever since buying his first name-brand Fleshlight at 20 years old, he was “hooked.”

John told me that SuperSkin, as far as he’s aware, is made from “amorphous polymers,” a mixture of PVC and silicone. It’s similar to CyberSkin, another type of thermoplastic faux-skin material used in lots of non-Fleshlight brand sex toys and dolls (but not patented, like SuperSkin).

“The trick with softer materials is that they will inevitably not feel as velvety or suede-y as harder silicone,” Emily Sauer, founder of sex wearable company Ohnut, told me. “So there is in the development of the product, there is a constant battle between, you know, does it feel too sticky? Does it feel gross in any way? There’s a very fine line.”

“The hand is just way easier. Boner. Hand. Done. It’s that simple.”

Micropores in the Fleshlight’s PVC make their “skin” more realistic to the touch, but also can never be fully, truly sterilized once it’s used. The top complaint I heard from all of the Fleshlight users I spoke to was that it’s too hard to clean to use regularly.

“That’s really gross to me that guys don’t even rinse them out right after, now I’m thinking about it,” Kaye said. “How hard it would be to clean…. If you were to let things dry in there, how disgusting that would be?”

After our call, I borrowed a friend’s (unused) Fleshlight to find out for myself. It’s relatively easy to unscrew the pieces and take apart, and there’s a hole in both ends of the removable soft sleeve to run water through it. As In Bed Magazine’s YouTube review notes, the most inconvenient part of cleaning is leaving it out to dry in the open long enough that you can safely store it without worrying about mold growing in a wet, airtight can—but not so long that your roommates or family stumble across a silicone worm with a vulva on the end of it.

“I think it just comes down to laziness, to be honest,” Kaye said about why people don’t regularly clean their Fleshlights.

According to my very informal online polling, she’s right.

“The biggest annoyance for me was the clean up,” Twitter user and self-proclaimed “vaginal aficionado” @BurlClooney said. Burl first heard about Fleshlight on an episode of Joe Rogan’s podcast, which had a partnership with the company from 2010 to around 2012, according to Rogan’s tweets at the time.

“Your semen goes down into a base at the bottom and you should really clean that shit immediately,” he said. “But, I usually just wanted to sleep right away and would leave it until the next day or I would forget until I next used it. It was absolutely fucking disgusting. The cum would turn a weird color and it was so gross to clean out then. However, I mainly stopped due to all the prep work. The hand is just way easier. Boner. Hand. Done. It’s that simple.”

BECOMING A ‘FLESHLIGHT GIRL’

Stoya told me she once fucked a man with a mold of her own silicone vagina.

“It was so like, bizarrely narcissistic, but kind of beautiful,” she said.

She’s featured in one of Fleshlight’s most popular product lines, the Fleshlight Girls. There are also Fleshlight Boys (anal molds), and Guys (dildos), all modeled after real porn performers’ anatomy. Fleshlight currently offers around 45 models of Fleshlight Girls, including Stoya, Riley Reid, Jessica Drake, and Kissa Sins.

“I was laughing and talking a lot, and they told me to be careful, because your asshole actually moves a little bit when you laugh.”

Becoming a Fleshlight Girl is a career goal for many in the industry. Kaye, who led the selection of Fleshlight models, told me that three or four years ago the performer’s popularity rank on Pornhub, for example, would have been a deciding factor. Now, she looks at a variety of metrics—social media following, engagement online, how entrepreneurial and invested they are in their own success.

As secretive as the SuperSkin material recipe is, the process of molding a real vulva into SuperSkin is kept even more tight-lipped.

Fleshlight Girl Elsa Jean told me that the process of getting her custom mold done involved going to the Fleshlight headquarters in Austin and having someone cast a mold of her vulva and anus. Fleshlight models’ genitalia are also photographed using a 3D camera, and the final mold is hand-sculpted by a professional artist to get the details as accurate as possible.

“For my butthole, I had to go into a doggy[-style position],” Jean said. “I was laughing and talking a lot, and they told me to be careful, because your asshole actually moves a little bit when you laugh.”

Once they’re finished making the silicone mold, the models are given the product to check out. When Stoya saw a Fleshlight modeled after her own anatomy for the first time, the first thing she did was text a handful of her former lovers a photo of the silicone vulva. They’d know, she reasoned, if it was realistically accurate. (They said it was.)

“It was a very like, holy shit moment,” Stoya said. “You feel a bit like an action figure.”

Models are paid in royalties instead of a flat fee. The more that sell, the more money they personally make. For Stoya, being recruited for a Fleshlight of her own was a springboard into independence in the adult industry. “It’s what’s enabled me to start independent porn companies like Zero Spaces,” she said. “It’s sold well enough that it gives me the extra resources to do creative things.”

“Having my vagina and butthole on sale for people is actually pretty amazing,” Jean said. “Believe it or not, it was one of my goals when I first started in the industry. It’s as close as they can get to having the real thing.”

The actual objectification—turning a woman’s body into an object—involved in making a custom Fleshlight has brought the company, and anatomically-correct masturbation sleeves generally, some criticism.

“I don’t think it’s objectifying,” Lieberman said. “In fact, I’d even say that some Fleshlight designs actually depict women’s genitals beautifully, like a more commercialized version of a Georgia O’Keefe painting.”

I asked Stoya how she feels about the objectification criticism, as someone who’s worked in the adult industry as an actor, director, writer and business owner. Is the idea that hundreds of men could be fucking “her” right now weird at all?

After all, hundreds of people could be jerking off to her porn right now, too—and isn’t that kind of the same? Not at all, she said.

“People like don’t give a fuck largely about who’s doing the fucking [in mainstream porn], who’s coming up with the fucking, but with a Fleshlight—someone has looked [for me],” she said. “And even if they don’t know who I am, or my work, or care who I am as a person? They’ve still chosen my vulva. And that’s qualitatively different.”

People choose the Stoya Fleshlight because they’ve seen her work, or read something she’s written, or even just read the description on the product page of her persona, she said—and liked what they saw enough to pay $79.95 to fantasize about fucking her.

“That feels really humanizing,” Stoya said. “Whereas seeing one of my videos pirated on Pornhub with a sentence in the description that says, ‘Don’t mention the performers name so she can’t find this and get this removed’? That’s really dehumanizing, and really separates you from your work. With the Fleshlight, it’s the opposite.”

THE STIGMA

As the woman charged with marketing a plastic pussy to the masses, Kaye had a big job. And a huge part of that job, she told me, is overcoming the stigma attached to masturbation sleeves, and the men who buy them. Kaye’s worked in the adult industry—in advertising, consulting, and marketing—for 13 years, but for the last three with Fleshlight, she’s made it her mission to drag that shame out from under men’s beds and bring masturbation tools into the light.

“Unfortunately, for men, there are stigmas attached to using a masturbation device… because for whatever reason, if a guy’s masturbating or talks about masturbating, it’s like they’re not getting laid,” she said.

“For cis-gendered males, revealing you have a fleshlight gives implications that you can’t ‘get a girl’ on your own, which inhibits the positive ramifications of using sex toys,” one anonymous user told me. “In reality, they can help people explore what satisfies them, and healthily masturbating can relieve stress or just clear one’s mind, at least in my experience.”

“I feel like a lot of men feel ashamed or embarrassed for using one, but when you’re having a dry spell or not getting laid often, it’s very beneficial,” Twitter user @g0dsparadise said. “I have given Fleshlights as gifts in the past, I have told my closest friends about it, and I am hoping that one day it becomes very common to own one just because this whole stigma is ridiculous to me.”

Some pointed out a percieved double standard between male and female-gendered sex toys. “There’s an interesting dichotomy,” Cooper said. He attributed it to women’s sex toys being seen as “luxurious” and respected, while men’s typically aren’t. “But it all drills back to the idea that we should somehow be ashamed of sex.”

FleshAssist founder John told me that while the stigma itself isn’t as bad as it used to be, it still exists.

“I saw a comment before that said something along the lines of ‘a dildo looks potent, it shows that a woman doesn’t need a man,’ making it a symbol of female independence and empowerment,” John said. “I think if we flip that around, and say ‘a man with a masturbator shows that he doesn’t need a woman’ it doesn’t have the same resonance at all.”

Liberman said that she has noticed this stigma, too—and that despite toys like Fleshlight in the mainstream, it hasn’t changed much. “I think that’s because men are supposed to be self-sufficient and not need additional tools to get off,” she said. “Their hands are supposed to be all they need.”

THE FUTURE OF FUCKTOYS

It’s possible that the Fleshlight and other toys like it are a decent oracle for the future of sex.

If the analog Fleshlight was a step toward destigmatizing male sex toys, its interactive, internet-connected iteration could help bring virtual reality sex to the mainstream.

Fleshlight’s Launch device syncs automatic, motorized movement with interactive porn content. It’s a Fleshlight sleeve inside a casing shaped and sized like a wine chiller that moves the sleeve up and down in rhythm with the porn it’s synced with.

Fleshlight isn’t the first sex toy to combine porn, virtual reality, and a connected device that syncs the two. Around the time the earliest adult-themed virtual reality films were revealed, in 2015, people started wondering if porn would be the thing to finally push VR into the mainstream.

Sex toys that interact with film and VR open new worlds of transcending what your physical, corporeally-limited body could experience. Companies like Camasutra exist today that scan real humans into avatars for fuckability in virtual worlds. There’s no limit to what you can embody, sexually, in these virtual environments.

“The porn and sex-toy industries have always led the way in technological innovation: from the electrification of the vibrator in the late 19th century to the early adoption of VHS by porn directors,” Lieberman said. “VR and the Fleshlight are just extensions of this trend that stretches back all the way to the printing press and erotic literature.”

She attributes this innovation to a need for something novel. Putting your dick inside a mechanized stroker-bot certainly is that, and Fleshlight, as it chases the interactive trend, knows it.

As our identities become more openly fluid and less binary, so do our toys. Ohnut, another wearable, doesn’t look like anything anatomical at all. Even the color, a pale jade, is meant to evoke a neutrality without being skin-like. Like Kaye, Ohnut’s founder Sauer also mentioned the concept of enhancement. “It’s not trying to replace skin. It’s not trying to replace a person or anything. It enhances,” she said.

Sauer points to Tenga, a Japanese company that’s been making disposable soft strokers and sleeves since 2005, as an example of where the industry could continue heading: Toward a less gendered, more pleasure-centered future of sex. One of their products, the Tenga Egg, is a handheld stroker shaped like a gummy, hollow egg, and they’re sold inside Easter egg-hunt-shaped packaging.

“They’re de-misogynizing the male masturbator,” Sauer said. “[Tenga products] are so delightful, but they’re just as dirty. They’re meant to be thrown away, but they come in really fun patterns. And what’s less masculine than a white egg?”

“I think that sex toys now are moving away from realism: the idea that a person would only want to masturbate with a replica of genitals is kind of going away,” Lieberman said. “People are more focused on both the utility of a device (does it give me an orgasm) and the design: they want something that looks beautiful.” She noted that the Eva II vibrator by Dame, and Unbound’s Bean and Squish are geometric—not dick or vulva-shaped.

Fleshlight is no exception to this trend. According to Kaye, the Fleshlight Turbo, a newer, non-anatomical sleeve, is creeping up in reviews. It looks nothing like human anatomy. It doesn’t even come in “skin” colors—only “Blue Ice” and “Copper.” (However, a helpful cross-section of the Turbo labels where you’re meant to imagine the lips, throat and tongue would be.)

Screenshot via Fleshlight.com

“I think marketing the other stuff—the stuff that’s not like, pardon my French, fucking a rubber pussy—that’s how we’ve transitioned our marketing approach,” Kaye said. “The exact replica of the genitalia? I think that’s kind of getting tired. I see that the younger people are more inclined to get the stuff that’s non-anatomical, that’s a little more discreet.”

“The idea that a person would only want to masturbate with a replica of genitals is kind of going away.”

“There’s more of an acknowledgement that many people don’t fit into the gender binary and our toys should reflect that,” Lieberman said. “I think that gender neutral sex toys are popular now because sex toys always reflect the culture of the time they’re created in; they reflect the current gender norms…. I think this shift in sex toy design to gender neutral reflects both a profit motive and a desire for inclusivity.”

For some companies, this might be an inclusivity effort, but for others, “it’s a response to the fact that inclusivity can be profitable,” Comella said. “A business that de-genders vibrators or ‘queers’ sex toys also expands its potential market reach by eliminating labels that don’t have to be there in the first place.”

But for those who still want the visual illusion of another person, Fleshlight isn’t going anywhere.

“That’s the thing to always keep in mind with the adult industry: It’s the business of fantasy,” Stoya said. “It’s like magic or professional wrestling. The audience who enjoys it comes in, ready to suspend their disbelief.”

Lieberman believes that lifelike sex toys impact our sexuality mostly for the good. If you want the feeling of fucking a penis or vagina or butthole without another person attached to it, that option is available to us, here in the future.

“I’m not sure that our society is that much different for having the Fleshlight in the world,” Lieberman said. “But our society is better when more people are having orgasms, and since Fleshlights provide orgasms, then our society is a bit happier thanks to the device.”

The Fleshlight Is a Portal to the Future of Sex syndicated from https://triviaqaweb.wordpress.com/feed/

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hgfstreamchats · 6 years

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Gremlins

Welcome to the 'highglossfinish' room. thenightetc: What... is this Knock Out: Excellent question. BBB: ö---ö thenightetc: That sure is a necklace he has there. Knock Out: It sure does exist. Knock Out: If the humans of Toronto have to live with this, so do you. BBB: good that I dont have to hear him.... seing that is already haunting enough..... Ö_ö Knock Out: Is the sound not working? thenightetc: It's working for me. thenightetc: Ahhhh, a nice wholesome christmas movie :) BBB: it surely is, I just can't turn it on at work.... could wake up a co worker ;P Knock Out: That would require some explaining. thenightetc: ...You know, considering what happens later in the movie, I would think that nearly everyone in the city has a story a LOT like this one. Only with less explanation. Knock Out: ...When you're right, you're right. thenightetc: oh god. BBB: nothings better than greamlins at a dead nigh shift :D thenightetc: Always Be Closing

thenightetc: a tarantula! :D thenightetc: He should have gotten that instead. Kids love spiders Knock Out: The town probably wishes he'd gotten him the spider, too. thenightetc: Right? Knock Out: I like how his idea of responsibility is locking it up in a box and leaving it where people can see. thenightetc: Right with all the stuff that IS for sale. thenightetc: Maybe the kid should have explained the other two rules. BBB: Well the ddad is not better... buying his son a present? SURE go for the shady chines guy with the strange things XD" Knock Out: Or should lied and said "It will die if you do any of these things." thenightetc: I mean, "don't feed him after midnight" is one thing, "if you feed him after midnight he will literally turn into a chaotic evil horrobeast" is another Knock Out: *Straight up thenightetc: Yeah, but then when he DID get wet and didn't die from it, they'd have known he lied. Knock Out: At that point, what does it matter? thenightetc: They might decide to test the other rule! Starscreamapillar: What is all this then? Knock Out: True. thenightetc: ...On the other hand, I wonder if the kid didn't know the reasons for the last two rules, either. Knock Out: Gremlins! thenightetc: Guy buys his kid a pet at a dodgy store with mysterious rules surrounding it, then everything goes bad. Starscreamapillar: I see. Mysterious pet rules rarely bode well. BBB: but honestly.... tell a kid 'dont do that your pet might multiply AND/OR turn into a monster' might get things just sped up... like.... kids aint smart agoodidstraction: what did i miss thenightetc: "Keep him out of bright light; he hates it and sunlight will kill him. And keep him away from water and don't feed him after midnight, for reasons I'm not going to tell you." thenightetc: It might have made the guy think twice about buying it in the first place, though. thenightetc: Nobody wants to buy their kid a pet that'll turn into a literal monster! Starscreamapillar: And if you cannot sell a monster to some unsuspecting sucker, then what is even the point? thenightetc: Well, the store owner told him it wasn't for sale. It was the store owner's grandkid who, suspiciously, got it for him. thenightetc: What the *** is her problem, anyway. Starscreamapillar: I am fairly certain torturing animals to death is not legal. thenightetc: You know from the way the dog just went after her, I have to figure she's been mistreating him in some way already. Starscreamapillar: Likely. BBB: THAT TV..... Starscreamapillar: I am going to predict those swords will be used later to hack up the consequences of poor decisions. thenightetc: Honestly, after the FIRST time that happened, I'd have mounted the swords more securely agoodidstraction: what kind of ant is that thenightetc: god it's like a Furby Starscreamapillar: So it is.... thenightetc: ...Hang on. He can talk Starscreamapillar: What horror cannot? thenightetc: And he was just being kept as a pet? Knock Out: Oh no. He was being kept in a box in the corner. agoodidstraction: can other ants talk too?? thenightetc: God no. Knock Out: There's no proving they can't. thenightetc: These are purely fictional. agoodidstraction: ants are fictional? thenightetc: These aren't ants. agoodidstraction: that looks exactly like an ant Starscreamapillar: Not enough limbs for an ant. thenightetc: Are you kidding, he looks nothing like an ant. agoodidstraction: like a sugar ant mixed with a snow ant Starscreamapillar: . . . . Knock Out: Sugar snow. Sounds edible. agoodidstraction: Yum thenightetc: That seems like more juice and pulp than one orange should have. Thebes: Hello--oh, hey, Gremlins! thenightetc: Yes! Starscreamapillar: Did he not warn the child about the weird monster in his bed? thenightetc: yikes, that looks... painful. Thebes: well somethimes fantastical creatures in movies come with only just enough warnings to make ignoring those warnings sound like no big deal thenightetc: Uh oh thenightetc: STripe. Starscreamapillar: If they breed this easily, why is Earth not over-run? agoodidstraction: uhhhhhhhhhhh thenightetc: Well, sunlight kills them. thenightetc: Cute. Yes. thenightetc: TBH it seems like Gizmo.... knows. thenightetc: Like he's the last survivor of what happened last time, and we know there was a last time because otherwise where did the rules come from. Thebes: It's implied he's... been through this before Knock Out: Possibly many times. Starscreamapillar: Hence being locked in a box in a corner in a junk shop? thenightetc: Yes. Windchill: *That feel when you appear at precisely the right moment.* Knock Out: And he was so happy, sleeping in a proper bed and watching his little movies, daring to hope it wouldn't happen again. agoodidstraction: reminds me of school Knock Out: Something wicked this way comes. thenightetc: you didn't "invent" those, dude. Knock Out: Hello, Windchill. Thebes: also how are you going to make money on anything that multiplies with tap water thenightetc: yaaaargh agoodidstraction: ahhh Windchill: *Pocahontas wave* thenightetc: poor puppy agoodidstraction: why are humans addicted to anxiety Windchill: Ew. agoodidstraction: how do they live like that Starscreamapillar: That looks like the sludge the medics drink. BBB: its fun? caffienatedconfetti: what are we watching? thenightetc: dude no Windchill: Well. Windchill: That's disturbing. agoodidstraction: ants Starscreamapillar: Bad decisions in motion. caffienatedconfetti: no but seriously thenightetc: He's gonna regret that later. Starscreamapillar: Gremlins, I hear. caffienatedconfetti: oooooo caffienatedconfetti: no please caffienatedconfetti: no thank you caffienatedconfetti: furbies Thebes: honestly the furbies aren't that bad! Windchill: Oh no, Furbies are on a whole 'nother level. Thebes: relatively Windchill: Way worse than Gremlins. caffienatedconfetti: demons agoodidstraction: how can they be worse? agoodidstraction: these are the weirdest ants i've ever seen Starscreamapillar: I lived through the Furby craze. They didn't multiply that quickly. Windchill: Just see what happens when they run low on batteries. caffienatedconfetti: ants????? BBB: or turn on at night thenightetc: He.... drives places in a tractor? agoodidstraction: alright i'm gonna start a furby collection Starscreamapillar: It is an American tractor. caffienatedconfetti: why ants Windchill: Man. thenightetc: I don't think they're made for street speeds, though agoodidstraction: you know, small furry things Windchill: If people stood outside my house and howled like that, I'd shoot 'em. thenightetc: Now I'm picturing it caffienatedconfetti: ants dont have fur????? caffienatedconfetti: they're tiny bugs Starscreamapillar: Aah. That makes more sense. caffienatedconfetti: they're suder duper small caffienatedconfetti: and also someof them bite thenightetc: Apparently that's not true. thenightetc: ^about the suicide rate caffienatedconfetti: who told you that about ants tho agoodidstraction: i had a fire ant and she bit a lot Windchill: But it WAS super edgy to say. thenightetc: (Anyway this is a furby :) https://img00.deviantart.net/e6a1/i/2004/136/8/2/dissected_furby.jpg ) caffienatedconfetti: ....dude fire ants are smaller than a human's fingernail how did you 'have' a fire ant???? Windchill: Um. Knock Out: Liar. BBB: ouch D: Windchill: Typical. Knock Out: That needle's the size of his entire arm. agoodidstraction: don't ask me, it was anon magic. they gave me a fire ant. Windchill: You're a huge seed pod. agoodidstraction: No you thenightetc: So what does this "fire ant" look like caffienatedconfetti: you don't alk about ants in the singular agoodidstraction: I'm the one with the mohawk caffienatedconfetti: they're always in groups thenightetc: ...You've seen this before, haven't you. Starscreamapillar: Yes, who wouldn't want a box of screaming creatures in their house as pets? agoodidstraction: no agoodidstraction: he looks like me caffienatedconfetti: what' thenightetc: ...just you wait. BBB: thats SO gross BBB: every time... Windchill: That's a little too close to home. thenightetc: oh my god, they have like. human teeth. caffienatedconfetti: ewwww caffienatedconfetti: oh lorf caffienatedconfetti: no thank you agoodidstraction: lorf Windchill: Who just leaves their sandwich just laying around overnight? Starscreamapillar: A bad scientist. agoodidstraction: I leave my sandwich just laying around overnight all the time thenightetc: Someone unconcerned with food poisoning? Windchill: A lying scientist. BBB: and someone without pets roaming around... BBB: (or roommates) agoodidstraction: ?? whoa caffienatedconfetti: those are some big doo doos Windchill: They look like poops. Starscreamapillar: . . . That never ends well. Smash those immediately. BBB: kinda reminds one of the alien movies XD" Windchill: They look like the eggs in that notoriously awful Godzilla movie. Windchill: 'Cept this film came first. caffienatedconfetti: we oughta watch alien sometime caffienatedconfetti: ripley is badass and a 10000/10 agoodidstraction: why does the phone sound haunted caffienatedconfetti: because its old thenightetc: One of their dad's inventions. thenightetc: He invents stuff that's broken and buggy. Windchill: To watch any of the Alien films is to sit through several hours of people discussing their oviposition kinks. Starscreamapillar: They have their own Que. Windchill: No thanks. agoodidstraction: what now caffienatedconfetti: ewwww Thebes: wait there's movies on the internet that don't result in people discussing their kinks? Starscreamapillar: Failed inventor who won't stop making garbage. Windchill: ...Probably not. caffienatedconfetti: starscream's throwing shade thenightetc: Accurate description agoodidstraction: hey garbage to greatness Windchill: Who's this, the Wicked Witch? thenightetc: Pretty much! Windchill: Fantastic. caffienatedconfetti: welp i have something importaant tomorrow, i'm just dropping by Windchill: Gross. agoodidstraction: see ya caffienatedconfetti: and it seems im leaving at jusr rhew right time thenightetc: Goodnight! agoodidstraction: don't let the ants bite caffienatedconfetti: goodbye Knock Out: Goodnight! thenightetc: I feel sorry for Gizmo. He knows what's coming, but he can't communicate it to anyone who could do something about it. Starscreamapillar: Why couldn't he? He speaks. Windchill: Maybe he's just stupid? Knock Out: He's incapable of saying anything that isn't adorable. thenightetc: Yeah, but he only seems to know a few phrases. Maybe he doesn't fully understand the language, or maybe he isn't physically able to say more words than that. Windchill: Maybe...it's for plot convenience. BBB: maybe like a parrot? Windchill: Turn on the lights you absolute madman. Starscreamapillar: I feel this man is being reckless in handling his unknown monster. Knock Out: I'm surprised he didn't rat them out when they were making a fuss for food. Knock Out: He clearly knew it was after midnight, he turned down the chicken. agoodidstraction: caca BBB: horror movie rule 2: never turn on the light, it might be a good idea... Starscreamapillar: Admittedly, they know that these things dislike the light. thenightetc: Yeah, they seem to have a sense of when midnight is and know what happens BBB: .... but when does the midnight rule end? Starscreamapillar: Surprise surprise, the black man did not survive the movie. Knock Out: Sunrise, maybe? Windchill: It's like Jurassic Park all over again. thenightetc: That would make sense, although who knows really. Windchill: 'Cept this film is older. BBB: would make sense! Thebes: probably goes from midnight to sunrise, since, you know. light kills. Windchill: Wow. thenightetc: My theory is they're some kind of fairy, and operate on fairy-tale logic. Windchill: At least she's thinking ahead, but I doubt that's gonna be enough. Thebes: listen to the distressed muppet, 80's mom! Avoid! agoodidstraction: too high for this thenightetc: At least he managed to tell her the important part first Starscreamapillar: That fist. Windchill: Someone's got the right idea. Windchill: If it were me, first thing I'd do was eat all the cookies too. agoodidstraction: what Knock Out: It's got its priorities in order. Starscreamapillar: She could have fled the house by now. They have a front door. Thebes: ... so I'm sorry in advance but--THIS WEEK, ON DOES IT BLEND agoodidstraction: oh no agoodidstraction: ahhhhhhhhhhh Windchill: She's doing a number on 'em so far. agoodidstraction: yeah two knives agoodidstraction: swish swish *** Starscreamapillar: But she is alone. All it takes is one slip up, and she is without backup. BBB: aww missed the fun part XD Windchill: I think the cookie pan shield and a knife was a better loadout. agoodidstraction: there i am Windchill: I always knew trees were bad news. thenightetc: Swords prominently in ferame thenightetc: YEP Starscreamapillar: I was right. Windchill: Wow. agoodidstraction: me Windchill: Grotesque. agoodidstraction: bye Windchill: He's gone. Windchill: You could hear the sound of his little feeties. Windchill: Vanishing into the night. Windchill: So...he went back alone? Starscreamapillar: He's stupid. Windchill: Moron. thenightetc: can hear him thinking like, "jesus christ mom" as he looks over the carnage Starscreamapillar: Walking the street with a sword, and a monster in your bag. Yes, that isn't suspicious. Starscreamapillar: No one has called the police about the corpse still in the school. Windchill: *Temptation to sing Y.M.C.A. rising.* agoodidstraction: me going for a swim thenightetc: And there's you having a million evil babies. Knock Out: If a glass of water was agonizing, I can't imagine how much that one hurts. Starscreamapillar: Apparently worth it, to spawn an army. agoodidstraction: i'm a proud daddy Knock Out: A million clones of yourself. agoodidstraction: just what i need agoodidstraction: more *** clones Windchill: Amazing. Thebes: KID, BRING PROOF Starscreamapillar: He's got a few dead ones at home he could use as evidence. thenightetc: Yeah, that's true. He could have brought those Windchill: It's already dark in there, what the heck. agoodidstraction: yum yum Knock Out: Wheeljack hitting the town. agoodidstraction: me n my clones Windchill: Nice ride. thenightetc: I love this music, though. agoodidstraction: party Starscreamapillar: Death by failing to actually flee. Windchill: Did...they not have a back door? thenightetc: "Monsters, you say?" Starscreamapillar: "Accident" Windchill: *SNORTS* Starscreamapillar: Of course, she has cats. thenightetc: Hey! Cats are actually great. Windchill: They better be nice to the cats. thenightetc: It's not THEIR fault she's a horrible person Windchill: What a reaction thenightetc: Wait is she saying she thinks they're literal demons, from hell thenightetc: Hhahahaha agoodidstraction: frag hahadls agoodidstraction: aaaaaaa BBB: wtf O___o Starscreamapillar: *Snrks* Windchill: Oh my god. BBB: santa!!! agoodidstraction: hahaaha Windchill: As usual, the police are useless. Starscreamapillar: Yes, leave the man to die. Thebes: to be entirely fair, pirahna-muppets are outside most people's experience agoodidstraction: wow Thebes: to the degree they probably didn't check the trunk, for instance agoodidstraction: that's a lot of dead people Starscreamapillar: A fine holiday massacre. thenightetc: "Hey! You're not Rockin' Ricky fans!" thenightetc: oh my god thenightetc: here he goes again Windchill: Amazing. Windchill: These guys know how to party. agoodidstraction: oh yeah Starscreamapillar: Reminds me of the Nemesis, before it crashed. agoodidstraction: ha Knock Out: I wish. agoodidstraction: that's what it's like at knock out's place thenightetc: ...I wonder how they can drink beer without multiplying. Windchill: It flashed her. Windchill: Indecent. Starscreamapillar: The same way the snow isn't working? thenightetc: ...I didn't even think about the snow. thenightetc: I wonder if they're not warm enough to melt it. Knock Out: That one's Bumblebee. agoodidstraction: hahahaha BBB: pfffft Starscreamapillar: What is your Bumblebee like?! agoodidstraction: he's cute Knock Out: And chronically stressed, as of late. agoodidstraction: big optics Windchill: I'm surprised nobody's gotten shot yet. agoodidstraction: yeah BBB: aaaand finally work, have fun guys. bye agoodidstraction: see ya Starscreamapillar: Goodbye. Knock Out: Glad you could drop in! Windchill: There we go, her brain's working. thenightetc: Goodnight! agoodidstraction: were they paying? why was she serving them hahaha thenightetc: So they wouldn't attack her. agoodidstraction: tiny guns Starscreamapillar: Not so threatening when they can be defeated with a good flashlight. Knock Out: Where did they even get the tiny guns? Starscreamapillar: Tiny gun store. agoodidstraction: hahaah the whole town jvhfdlashjfkds Knock Out: Checks out. Starscreamapillar: The security on this bank is just atrocious. Windchill: *Raises brows.* Starscreamapillar: . . . . thenightetc: *wince* Knock Out: PFFTHAHAHAHA! Windchill: What kind of moron tries to climb down a chimney. Starscreamapillar: Ha! Knock Out: Gizmo's jealous because they know how to party. thenightetc: ...I wonder what "mogwai" actually means. Is he just, like, a pokemon that keeps saying his name? Or does it mean something. Windchill: Look at them, they're so excited. Starscreamapillar: It seems to be Cantonese for 'Monster'. Knock Out: "Monster." thenightetc: Ahhh Knock Out: Or spirit, demon, and so on. Starscreamapillar: Why do they like the movie? thenightetc: They like music. agoodidstraction: ME agoodidstraction: gotta have candy Windchill: That's any sane person's reaction to seeing "CANDY" in big neon letters. Starscreamapillar: It is traditional to explode one's problems. agoodidstraction: ^ thenightetc: Is this the time? Starscreamapillar: Bleck. agoodidstraction: wow Windchill: Heh. thenightetc: It sounded like he was trying to say something, there thenightetc: But couldn't quite pronounce it thenightetc: Wasn't it night just a few minutes ago? Knock Out: I like how his voice bears a striking resemblance to Megatron's. Starscreamapillar: Indeed. agoodidstraction: yep Windchill: Is that a Barbie car. Windchill: *Snickers.* Windchill: Me. Starscreamapillar: Yes, those department store guns. Starscreamapillar: Loaded department store guns. agoodidstraction: glug glug Windchill: Ugh. Thebes: snow shovels DO NOT WORK THAT WAY agoodidstraction: oh agoodidstraction: uhh agoodidstraction: ouch thenightetc: It's you! agoodidstraction: me when soundwave takes my soul Windchill: *Snickers.* Windchill: *Again.* thenightetc: Uhhhh, kid.... Windchill: Leaping Skeleton? agoodidstraction: primus Windchill: Called it. Starscreamapillar: Well, that looked painful. thenightetc: Maybe they're undead. thenightetc: Yes. Mass hysteria. Starscreamapillar: 'Accidents'. There's a fair number of dead people that need to be accounted for. thenightetc: That explains all the monster corpses. Knock Out: "Moolah!" thenightetc: Ha! Thebes: because clearly, this is the big problem thenightetc: that's not a gift Windchill: "Nature's gifts." Starscreamapillar: He's not really wrong. Thebes: HEY MAYBE IF YOU EXPLAINED WHY NOT TO DO THOSE THINGS, LESS PEOPLE WOULD BE DEAD agoodidstraction: aw Knock Out: I like how he calls the old man "Baba." Starscreamapillar: Sorry does not raise the dead. thenightetc: Pfffffff thenightetc: Or rebuild everything they destroyed. Starscreamapillar: Matrix dust, now that is what raises the dead. thenightetc: "...Well, it's probably my fault" Windchill: I thought that was Dark Energon. Windchill: And Mad Science. Starscreamapillar: I wouldn't know, we do not have Dark Energon... Yet. thenightetc: How ominous? Windchill: There was a sequel. Thebes: Someone attempted to market them again. Violence ensued Knock Out: It's not terrible. We'll have to watch that one someday. agoodidstraction: please agoodidstraction: night everyone Knock Out: Goodnight, everyone. Thank you all for coming! thenightetc: Goodnight! Starscreamapillar: As always, that was weird, but enjoyable. Thank you for having us. thenightetc: Thank you for hosting! This movie's a good time. Knock Out: My pleasure. Thebes: thank you! Windchill: *Another wave.*

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nofomoartworld · 7 years

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Hyperallergic: Updating Ukiyo-Prints and Medieval Art with Allusions to Fast Food and US Politics

Masami Teraoka, “Sarah and Octopus/Seventh Heaven” (2001) (all photos by the author for Hyperallergic)

HONOLULU — Masami Teraoka was just seven years old growing up in Japan when he saw a strange sight on the horizon: two suns, one from the east and the other from the west. It was the atomic bombing of Hiroshima during World War II.

Now 81, Teraoka has become a contemporary artist known for creating strange, absurd sights of his own — merging traditional fine art styles and techniques with modern themes. His works can be found in over 50 public collections worldwide, including the Metropolitan Museum of Art, the Tate Modern, the Fine Arts Museums of San Francisco, the National Portrait Gallery, and the Smithsonian American Art Museum in DC.

Masami Teraoka, “McDonald’s Hamburgers Invading Japan/Chochin-me” (1982)

Teraoka’s first major series after coming to the US from Japan in 1961, McDonald’s Hamburgers Invading Japan and 31 Flavors Invading Japan, examined the expansion of American consumerism culture worldwide with Ukiyo-e woodblock print images of Japanese geisha tripping over hamburgers and devouring ice cream. In the 1980s, he broached the AIDS crisis in a series of paintings featuring frustrated samurai and geisha wrestling with condom wrappers, literally blue in the face. It was Teraoka’s goal to shed light on AIDS at a time when doctors and politicians were covering up or avoiding conversations about the disease in the public.

Recently, Teraoka shifted his art style to create The Cloisters, triptych altarpieces in the style of religious Renaissance and medieval art, confronting topics such as Monica Lewinsky and the Clinton impeachment, clergy sex abuse scandals, artistic freedom in Russia, and the threat of nuclear war. While his past works may have evoked the likes of Utamaro and Hokusai, Teraoka’s new art draws from Brueghel and Bosch: giant, graphic murals featuring contorted figures including Pope Francis, Vladimir Putin, and the geisha Momotaro, in passionate, disturbing scenes.

At times, Teraoka seems like he’s hitting you over the head with the obvious associations in his work. But his subjects are so rampant in the collective public eye —from news headlines sensationalizing political sex scandals to giant billboards advertising fast food — that a loud approach seems fitting.

In March, Teraoka teamed up with Pussy Riot choreographer Viktoria Naraxsa and costume designer Masha Kechaeva for an experimental performance of Shakespeare’s Tempest at the Honolulu Museum of Art School. Currently, Koa Gallery in Honolulu is presenting a retrospective of Teraoka’s career as well as new work by the artist.

* * *

Installation view of Masami Teraoka at Koa Gallery, Honolulu

James Charisma: Where were you in Japan when you saw the atomic bombs being dropped?

Masami Teraoka: I grew up in Onomichi City, which is in Hiroshima Prefecture. But my sister and I were evacuated to the next town because Onomichi was a middle-sized city and thought to be targeted by air raids. It wasn’t because I think it was too close to an American POW camp. We would see them while going to school and we would say, these people are so tall! And blue eyes.

All the kids liked the MPs because they were friendly, they gave us chewing gum and chocolate. My dad used to say that we are all humans. Wars are only between governments; we don’t really have to be fighting each other. That was his philosophy, so I think he made it comfortable for the Americans to visit. My mom used to cook potato chips. When she gave some to the Americans and they ate them, we couldn’t believe it. When I came here, I learned everybody eats potato chips.

JC: You seem fascinated by junk food. You have an entire series dedicated to ice cream and cheeseburgers. What inspired that?

Masami Teraoka, “The Two Suns Series/Cherry Blossoms and Koko Head” (2017)

MT: After I came to America in 1961, I met this girl who asked if I heard of hamburgers and I said no, so she cooked some for me. It was delicious. So when everyone was talking about McDonald’s, I tried their burgers but was disappointed because they were tasteless. Later, I had gone to Vancouver and saw so many [Golden] Arches. I thought, oh no, they’re invading Canada too? And Japan. Eventually I knew they were going to invade all over the globe but I didn’t want America to bring such a lousy hamburger worldwide.

This was during the flower child generation where everyone was recognizing their own background. So I thought if I was going to paint, why not paint in the format of my cultural identity? So that’s what I chose: ukiyo-e woodblock print style. My series, McDonald’s Hamburgers Invading Japan and 31 Flavors Invading Japan, was because I knew that American capitalism is so invasive all over the world, I didn’t want hamburgers to wipe out ethnic cuisine or Disneyland to be all different levels of culture. Another series is New Views of Mount Fuji Series/La Brea Tar Pits, which is about what a businessman might bring back from America to sell in Japan: La Brea Tar Pit as Disneyland.

Masami Teraoka, installation view of the artist’s Ukiyo-e print collection (2017)

JC: Your work has always tackled issues of the various eras, from AIDS in the 1980s to the sex abuse scandals in the Catholic Church. Is response to your work usually positive or is there ever backlash?

MT: I would say that 95 percent is positive, only a few people have actually complained to me. It’s all based on fact, so not even the Catholic Church can accuse the work of being incorrect. And the attitude I have is that I’m not interested in making something easy just to please my vision. I’m interested in what’s going on regarding individual liberties and freedom of creative expression. I’m trying to express anything related to human rights.

One of my triptychs featured Monica Lewinsky and the Bill Clinton impeachment trial. I depicted one of the lead investigators in the mural — Kenneth Starr — and I actually had a chance to meet him at an ACLU event. I told him I painted him in the piece and he said he was interested in seeing it. So I showed him a folded, four-page brochure of the composition while he was standing there with his wife. He was amused. He used the word “extraordinary” and I had to ask my friends what that meant because my English wasn’t that good. I was so happy to hear that because if he didn’t like my painting, he could’ve told the security guard to arrest me and I could still be in prison.

Masami Teraoka, “Angels and Transgressors” (2017), installation View

JC: How did you connect with Pussy Riot?

MT: My primary gallery director in San Francisco, Catherine Clark, gave my Ascending Chaos book to the manager of Pussy Riot at a performance. I was interested in their group and where they were coming from because I think we share thoughts about human rights, gay rights, same sex marriage… I later contacted Viktoria [Naraxsa] and asked if she’d be interested in coming to Hawaii because I was working on a Pussy Riot-themed exhibition. She said yes, when? This was maybe three years ago when that dialogue started. It took a long time to get to the March performance.

JC: Sexuality plays a huge role in your art. How does it influence you?

MT: Human sexuality inspires me. When you start going out with a new partner, you let go of preconceived ideas and attitudes to get to know that person. If you don’t fall in love and get to know someone on a sexual level, you miss this opportunity to open your mind to different individuals and cultures and ethnicities. It’s a window for learning.

JC: What are you learning about and focusing on now, in your latest works?

MT: One is North Korea. The way I see, their leader is a crazy, spoiled boy. But he can still actually wipe out the Earth. And that means all our education about humanity and everything won’t have any relevant meaning. Two suns … it’s nonsense. With an imminent nuclear threat, nothing makes any sense. Everything becomes nonsense.

Masami Teraoka continues at Koa Gallery (4303 Diamond Head Road Honolulu) through November 9.

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maggiemuggins-blog1 · 7 years

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2016 You.Did.Not.Break.Us.

(me unleashing the fuschia sparkle on new years eve and Princess Leia keeping it motherfucking real. RIP.)

Babes welcome to 2017. We made it through what was, for many of us, a shit-box of a year. Box after box, babes, just full of shit. We all just kept unpacking it and unpacking it. But we are here, the last carton full of crap has been delivered and, if you are reading this, you have hopefully emerged unscathed. I feel like a goddamn warrior slowly standing the fuck up after a serious, didn’t know if I would make it, battle. 2016 babes, she was a doozy. for me personally, for nearly everyone I know, my community at large, and the planet, specifically. For real, babes, 2016 unleashed a bag of dicks upon humanity and I for one am ready to put those dicks back where they belong: on the internet quietly jerking off to shit they find on Reddit.

And now here we are in 2017. ‘Who knows what this year will hold’ feels pretty goddamn ok to me. I’m not gonna lie I get wooed by a new year. Feels like the world is full of possibility and that suits me. That said, I’m not really a fat babe who waxes philosophical about the new year, and goal setting, and intentionality. I’m down for however my fellow fats want to roll, and I’m not gonna lie, I get inspired by that shit all the time, but y’all I’m still wearing my armour and I’m hopped up on the adrenaline rush of getting through 2016, and it just seems like maybe a bitchy, blaspheming, Fat Babe in full armour is just what we need to get through the fuckery that is January. I mean, babes, it is a month like none other for the spewing of body hating nonsense. It is the month where collectively the universe does that thing that I hate the most about office lunch rooms: atoning for the fun you had on the weekend by punishing yourself come Monday. Fuck. No.

Welcome to January. Had fun over the holidays? Saw people you love? Ate seconds at turkey dinner? Went out drinking with friends? Got sick by eating multiple boxes of tofifee? You didn’t think you could get away with just enjoying life did you? DID YOU? Don’t worry, January is here to disabuse you of that notion. January is here to say natural consequences are not enough, that you should be mixing that hangover with a hearty dose of shame. January is here to sell you lies about your body. January is here to distract you from the fact that we have some serious organizing to do in order to deal with the aftermath of 2016. January is the fun police. January is a punk ass mother fucker and I have no time for that. So here I am, feeling ballsy as fuck for getting through 2016, and I think Ill just ride that feeling a little goddamn longer. Cause babes, we can gently, lovingly, and intentionally work our way through January by giving zero fucks about what she has to offer.

Looking hot as fuck while giving exactly none.

6 ways to give zero fucks about January, her evil twin Fatphobia, and her kid sister, Capitalism

Don’t drink the mother fucking Kool-Aid– do not be fooled. January is not about making changes. It is about making us feel so shitty that we buy stuff/memberships we are not actually gonna use. Once the ‘joyful xmas/xmas frenzy’ marketing strategy of December is behind us, the strategy switches gears to bring us the ol ‘buckle down/you are the worst’ strategy for January. In the same way that December manipulates, so too does January. And it is sneaky and, unfortunately, a part of the collective consciousness. It is at the dinner table, in our workplaces, and cozily wrapped in our hearts and minds. We confuse naming our hopes and desires for the year with guilt and the feeling that we have somehow cheated and must atone. We need to slow down that thinking to give it a closer look. Cause when we really think about it, we know what is real. We know that behaviour change is complicated and isn’t magically successful just because the year turned over. That is clearly bananas. I go to the gym every damn day and January is full of people ‘making a change’, but y’all, come February it is back to regulars. January is not about behaviour change, it is, like always, about consumption and capitalism. Babes, lets not get sucker punched by some gym trying to sell us a boxing class, yeah?

Make space – making space for reflection, goals, and hopes for the new year is a bomb ass thing to do – in January or when the fuck ever. Fat Babes, we deserve to take a minute, catch our breath and think about what we are proud of, what we wish we could do more of, and how we want to move in the world. So feel free to make some space in the world for yourself. Space that allows you to gently and kindly celebrate who you are and who the fuck you want to be. Sit down with a coffee, or tea, or whatever you drink, and think about how you honoured yourself last year and what you want to do to honour yourself this year. It may be cheesy as fuck but that doesn’t mean it isn’t good for you.

Take space- Babes, remind yourself of why you are worth rejecting the resolution, you are goddamn enough. Ima just say that again for the hell of it. You.Are.Enough. No one has the right to tell you to change, to suggest you improve, to tell you what would make you better. You are the only one who can do that for yourself. And only if you goddamn want to. So take space back from the toxic lunchroom chit chat, don’t attend family dinners that make you feel bad for eating, and go dark on social media if your feeds are all about body hating and diet talk. Resolve to take that space back for yourself. Go ahead. You deserve it.

Remember to breathe – Babes, if you had asked me 10 years ago if I would ever consider mindfulness to manage my anxiety, and my constant state of being emotionally over stimulated, I would have told you to take your junk science and get the hell out of my house. Today I can say that I was deeply wrong and for that I am sorry. If I can do nothing else but save other cranky dirt bags the time it took me to get over myself and try a thing that is super far outside my comfort zone, my work on this planet will be done. Look I get it. It is a stretch, a different way to heal from what many of us have been taught. And also, it seems kind of like the ol ‘take a bath and go for walks’ strategy to manage the deep traumatic ache of the planet. I mean exactly how many baths must one fat babe have to get rid of rape culture, hmmmmm? Self-care practices ain’t gonna convince brahs to change a damn thing. But babes, my logic was flawed and my attitude was shitty. And really, where has cynicism and detached irony got us anyways? If we are gonna be tackling this shit head on, if we are going to stand firm, if we are gonna protect each other, we need to breathe. We need those moments to store up a little flicker of energy and hope here and there. So whether it is a bath, or a walk, or shaking your ass on the dance floor, remember that you are storing up these tiny breaks so that you can face the world with an open heart and kindness while giving a total of zero fucks. Taking a breath to be in the present, to just be alive, and feel the wonder of that, is not twee (or like maybe just a little twee). It is living. I even have a fucking app that guides me through the whole practice of mindfulness. That is how hard-core I am now. An app. So whatever your version of breathing is, however you take space for yourself to be alive in your body do that now, cause we need it this time of year.

Move your body – Yall just cause I am opposed to having exercise sold to me under the guise of self-improvement/body hatred doesn. I love exercise and I even love the gym. If you can find a way to move your body in a way that celebrates it, then for shit sakes, go forth and move.

Eliminate diet talk- I did this for myself years ago and it is the total best. I started telling the people around me that I didn’t want to hear about diets or the ways they hate their body. I was ruthless in that I was all ‘look you can either stop talking about it around me or we can’t be friends. It is that important to me.’ I reminded my people that they can be celebrated for their diet talk by nearly EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD so surely they could just not around me. It worked. I had maybe one post on my feed about losing weight this January. That’s it. Feels good. Maybe that should be the resolution, y’all.

Babes, it turns out we can step into new things, and care about ourselves in loving ways, and swear like a sailor, and shit talk the clusterfuck that is January, and fight the fucking shitstorm of douchbaggery. From where I’m sitting, this year has literally nothing to do with diets and weight-loss workouts and EVERYTHING to do with loving our selves in a deep and real and fucking righteous way, and then getting out there to fight the misogyny, racism, white supremacy, and environmental injustice that is exploding extra all over North America. If our resolutions have nothing to do with fighting oppression and everything to do with fighting our bodies, well, babes, we are doing it all wrong. Don’t let vapid resolutions take up any brain space just cause your co-worker/sister-in-law/auntie/bestie is making bad choices. Make your body a safe and cherished place to come home to. Cause babes, it’s a riots not diets kinda year. Welcome to 2017.

Smooches.

Stepping into 2017 like a Fat Babe does 2016 You.Did.Not.Break.Us. (me unleashing the fuschia sparkle on new years eve and Princess Leia keeping it motherfucking real.

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