#like that Percabeth sketch of them lying down together on a sunny day all cosy

[dreamerwriternstargazer]

Something I’m trying to not freak out so much over is not having 100% productivity

Today’s my only free day of the week. Friday is too but I still have to go to therapy and stuff

And I only work a little on Wednesday and Thursday sure but there’s a lot more outside the class work to get done now as well as housework so it still feels exhausting

And I was feeling rubbish for, after sleeping in a bit and cleaning, lying down and scrolling for like an hour. But I don’t think I really needed to

I’m not such a huge fan of the scrolling habit but it is just something to fill empty space and I knew why I was doing it; my head was hurting and still in a little turmoil from nightmares. I didn’t want to think I just wanted to rest

The bit I’m pleased with is I realised I don’t like doing this, what would actually be restful? I decided to try to nap. Only my brain wasn’t quite okay with sleeping, but lying down on a sunny day all cosy, hearing the breeze outside the window? So inviting, so I just let myself lie down for an hour or so.

I think the productive part of me still wants to kick myself for “wasting” 2 hours. In the past I wouldn’t have allowed myself the rest though, what I would have done was scroll for an hour and then realise, feel guilty, force myself to try to work but not feeling rested at all, and probably gotten less work done feeling antsy.

I do think the scrolling is a bit of a waste but what I’m glad about is recognising hey this isn’t actually what my brain wants right now. I think I might try asking myself that a bit more when I start to, so then I can actually figure out what my brain does want.

But as for the not-nap (I mean it felt quite dream like, like I was awake but just very rested lying there so… *shrugs* a not-nap sounds like the best descriptor) that’s quite unusual for me and something I would absolutely have never done before, I mean it’s still kind of rare for me to take naps now I’ve only been doing it since burning out.

You know though? It felt really good. And I got up and my head still felt off so I decided a shower would be good and I feel a lot better now. Sometimes it takes a bit of self care effort to figure out how upset or exhausted your body is, to remember how good used to feel.

I still feel a little bothered by it, so that’s why I’m writing this, I’m hoping once I’ve written this then I can try to implement that scroll question and to maybe relax a little let myself feel happy and cared for and to appreciate the rest I gave myself.

And it’s a little crazy right, like beating myself up over my rest day, this is my rest day, but I often don’t see it as that. I think I’ve known for ages you can’t work at 100% all the time every time but I’ve not actually allowed myself learn it. All I can usually think is how I could be so productive on a free day, kind of missing the point.

Learning it now and it feels weird but it also feels very nice

And yes I do have a whole lot to do but honestly right now, I’m feeling way better and more capable of actually getting those tasks done in good time instead of feeling rubbish and reluctantly and slowly getting them down and probably cutting into my bedtime to get them done because I made some goal for myself. There’s totally a time for pushing yourself and the point is that because I gave myself this rest, I can probably push myself now for the rest of the day to get some studying done, to cook dinner, to get my laundry sorted and some teaching admin done. Normally that list feels too big when I’m burnt out and even if I have the whole day I only get two done, I can only mentally prepare doing two. Studying and dinner.

Right now I feel like.. okay yeah this day wasn’t 100% productive, but I think I can make it 50% productive at least. And that alongside the calm I’m feeling?

That feels pretty good.