#like wayyyy too late

[ganondoodle]

you know when you have an idea for a drawing and it just wont let you rest until you at least sketched it?

... yeah

....

demise and hylia (humanoid forms) sleepy cuddles o((>ω< ))o

[shadyhouse]

i keep getting rejected from job applications and i have no idea what im doing wrong. i wish they would just tell you WHY you're getting rejected and ways to improve. its a guessing game that ends up making me feel even more worthless than i felt before

[soldier-poet-king]

WOW FEELIN REAL BAD ABT HAVING A BODY

i guess this means i have to stop eating like shit in holiday indulgence and actually like. eat proper meals and veggies again. it cant all be bread and fancy cheese and christmas cookies and chocolate

[mean-scarlet-deceiver]

So in the first story in the Stepney book, the dynamic between Percy and Douglas is really interesting. (Especially when I edit it almost beyond recognition, lol.)

Coz they're talking about, well, you know, how there's an actual genocide of steam engines going down on the mainline. And in such a conversation you'd think Douglas would be the more grounded and worldly, yeah? Coz he's fresh from that frying pan, himself. Or maybe you'd recall that, after all, it's definitely Donald who is the brain of our Caledonians, and predict that actually Perce and Douggie are on a level.

But in fact, in this of all conversations, it's Percy who strikes me, again and again, as the more aware and open-eyed of the two. And it's all the more remarkable because Percy himself is really playing up this "oh don't ask me 🙃 I am but a simple saddletank, I do not understand the ways of the cruel and confusing outside world 🙃 I like to sing daft songs and think as little as possible 🙃" shtick to the hilt. But... what he says and how he says it doesn't bear this out at all? He got the gist of what the Fat Controller told them at the staff meeting perfectly well, thanks. The "nuance" and correction in the author's note is literally corporate propaganda and Percy is right to have tuned that line out. And he is not insensitive at all to their mainland counterparts, he feels deeply for them, but he also shows a lot of sense about how he conducts himself. Douglas has been happy to ignore any updates on the mainland situation till now—I'm not criticizing him, just pointing out that in comparison Percy has in fact paid attention and kept himself well-informed even though he goes on living his best life on Sodor. Perce is doing fine. He's excited about their visitor, as he gets excited by most grand events, but it's actually Douglas who starts immediately romanticizing and lionizing this new idol in a way that I find kind of naive...

D: 'He's sooo brave to travel among all those hordes of murderous diesels just to see us! 😍'

P: '... He has his Controller with him??'

D: 'SHORT 🤩 KING 🤩'

Douglas can't comprehend the idea of getting to Sodor with official permission, lol. Also, lookit him—he's already thirsty for Oliver before he ever meets him! My man is actually out here projecting his boyfriend fantasies onto a celebrity. How this lucky, lucky bastard had said fantasy just materialize in front of him in the moonlight at Barrow yards is beyond me. Douglas the Bullshitted His Way Onto the Island of Sodor Engine was truly built under a lucky star.

Mind you, I think Percy is right there being a short king. Like, Douggie. My babe. The way you immediately take Percy's remarks about 'it's really sad what's happening to our poor brethren on the mainland 😓' to 'yeahhh, fuckin' diesels, man. they're all devils' at the speed of light? Now I am criticizing you. Like I understand where you got this attitude but I am disappointed at your machine racism.

But Percy? Percy 💖. I will eternally love him for at once calling his friend out. 'douggie, what the fuck? you know that's not true. can it.' Like he's not super assertive about it and he doesn't press the point. But he does instantly drop the whole "i am so clueless and WHIMSICALLLL hehe" persona he'd been playing literally one second before to just speak directly and intelligibly and to the point—and he nails it. Douglas can't separate his fears about scrap from his feelings about diesels but Percy's is basically all 'it's literally so easy to not be a dick... so don't.'

[keeps-ache]

aighty. i'm going to sleep. if anybody sees me post/like anything before 8 hours has elapsed, take me out (gun)

[amandabe11man]

don't tell anyone but I skipped work today because I knew we might've been forced to raise NATO-flags along the city wall and I'm not gonna fucking participate in that shit 🤭

[maudiemoods]

yoU WORKED AT A DAYCARE?? DUDE I'M SORRY THAT IT WAS A HORRIBLE DAY- AND SERIOUSLY I HOPE IT WASN'T TOO BAD... but daycare- was it at least okay? *I say as my eyes flicker between you and anything daycare attendant related*

Seriously though, I hope you feel better. Recently it sounds like things haven't been going well for ya, I'm sorry Maudie!

Kinda used this ask as an excuse to vent sorry

Yes!! And it wasn't too bad!! I actually liked it a bit at first!! I was working in a room that watched the kids over one but under two! So like, 1 1/2ish? Some were younger and others were getting ready to move to the two year old room. Yeah, I had to change diapers and clean up their messes but it was ok! They sleep for two hours of my shift so all I do during that time is watch them and clean up anything left over from lunch!

What got me overwhelmed was the fact that I was replacing someone's closing shift. I wasn't expecting to watch the kids alone for an hour and a half. I started watching them for thirty minutes alone and they were waayyy to much for me. They don't listen lmaooo and you have to be really firm and I can't do that. Aaaaaaa it was crazy. They'll run when they need to sit, scream just for fun, hit and wipe their nose on your pants aaaa kids are crazy lmao. I just couldn't do it alone. On Thursday, I actually broke down and cried in the back closet for 20 minutes jdisksjsjia not fun!! I haven't cried in public in a looong time! I really wish I could have handled it better but my mental health was declining and I was scaring myself so I had to quit jdjsjaja

Honestly, I've been having an awful year!! One of the worst! But!!! It's all cool!! I'll simply ignore my issues until I have time to deal with them!! That's healthy, right?

[8bit-mau5]

In honor of pride month, have Roycera, my earth genasi forge cleric who revels in the act of recreation of the self, the biggest act of self love. They're a love letter to my past self and is a character i hold very near and dear to my heart

[THEY/THEM]

[finely-tuned-line]

RP:

Log 236

FTL: ...No updates on either of the experiments. I haven't checked. I've been... thinking.

FTL: It's hard to say what I've been thinking about. Everything, I suppose. Echoes of a Paradox... Well, their rant directed at me has thrown everything off-kilter.

FTL: I don't- They're right. They're right. They must be. It all makes sense and yet- It doesn't. Well, it does. But-

FTL: Was I really that blind? Was I really that-

FTL: I can't think. I can't think about anything at all, it's all just going in circles, I need to figure this out, I'm wasting time.

FTL: Why am I wasting time? Why do I rush so much to get back to work, to keep- Because it's my purpose, it's what I do, it's why I exist. Therefore I must do my work.

FTL: I- I'd still be doing my job even if I didn't like it. Right? I mean, surely it's not just my- I have reasoning. I exist because of my purpose, therefore I must fulfill it, therefore I do so. That fact that I like my work doesn't matter all that much. Its doesn't.

FTL: I don't see any flaws in that logic, so how did I end up here? How did I end up hurting my family so much and not seeing it?

FTL: I need to get my thoughts in order. Pause. Don't think.

FTL: Alright, what did Echoes of a Paradox say?

FTL: They said that my mindset, specifically the careless comments, put pressure upon them and the other members of our Local Group to follow that mindset as well, despite the fact that that was not my intention.

FTL: Is this a possibly true thing?

FTL: Yes. Echoes of a Paradox has never lied to me before, they have no reason to do so, no outright falsities were clear within their words.

FTL: Was this intentional on my part?

FTL: No. I'd never willingly hurt any of them. My Local Group is my family, they're the people I'd never hurt. They're only joined by approximately two or three external others. I never did pause to see what the effects of my words were, perhaps because it was inconceivable to me that they could be harmful.

FTL: What else did Echoes of a Paradox say?

FTL: That my mindset of prioritising my purpose above all is unhealthy and pitiful and that I'm only harming myself by not breaking out of it.

FTL: Is this statement unique?

FTL: No. Echoes of a Paradox is not the first to share a similar sentiment and share it with me. The others being primarily LIFEGIVER and somewhat Upsilon.

FTL: Due to this not being an uncommon sentiment, is it a logical one?

FTL: No. No, it is not. Iterators are built to accomplish one or more tasks, disregarding that purpose even a bit renders the Iterator useless.

FTL: ...Do I apply that statement to anyone other than myself?

FTL: No. That belief is one that I hold only myself up to - others, whoever they are, can do whatever they wish to.

FTL: Is it logical to apply the statement to only myself?

FTL: No. I am not the only Iterator, that statement generalises all Iterators, which includes both myself and every other Iterator.

FTL: Why do I apply that belief to only myself?

FTL: ...I do not know. Perhaps it's a sense of only being able to control my own actions, of the fact that I'm the only one who appears to see that fact. If it even is a fact.

FTL: Why does everyone appear to be taking this mindset to be a negative one?

FTL: I do not know. It makes sense, there is no reason to disregard it the way that everyone does. It is a fact, denying it is rather pointless. We're - I'm - machines. Artificial Intelligences. Designed to fulfill tasks at the behest of our creators.

FTL: Why does anything else matter?

FTL: It doesn't make sense. That is the definition of my existence, why should I strive for anything outside of it even if my creators are long-gone? Why do irrelevant things, like relationships, emotions, personalities, anything matter? Why put so much stake on it?

FTL: Echoes of a Paradox says they pity me for thinking this way. I don't know why. I'm, of course, remorseful about the unintentional harm I've caused them, I don't wish to ever hurt them.

FTL: But why? Why, why, why?

FTL: Why do I care?

FTL: Why does it matter?

FTL: The rules of existence are laid out so clear, I follow them, yet why is that-

FTL: I don't understand. I simply don't understand.

FTL: I've had logical explanations laid out before me by LIFEGIVER. They make sense. But they also don't. It's unnecessary. I can accomplish my task well enough without emotions, or anything of the like.

FTL: I exist only because my creators needed someone to fulfill the purpose I was given. That is all I am, and that is all I ever will be. There's no reason to concern myself with anything else.

FTL: Why bother with, or care about anything outside of that? It's unnecessary.

FTL: So why do I do it?

FTL: I do not know. I simply do not know.

FTL: I have nothing to say. I am unable to figure this out on my own, nor do I care to inquire about it.

FTL: All I can truly say is that I regret what I incidentally did to the members of my Local Group, and as much as I wish to properly take Echoes of a Paradox's advice, LIFEGIVER's advice, anyone's advice, I simply cannot.

FTL: Perhaps it's a matter of viewpoints. Perhaps their external viewpoint of myself allows them to realise things I do not. Perhaps I've just been thinking this way for too long.

FTL: It just doesn't make sense.

FTL: As much as I wish I could follow the suggestions given, I can't. Not out of stubbornness, but due to the lack of sensibility.

FTL: I've been fine thus far, have I not? Despite my lack of care about my own safety - and I maintain: for good reason - I am alive now. I am as functional as the day I was given consciousness. Nothing matter beyond that, no?

FTL: I suppose the only thing I really can do is perhaps take LIVEGIVER's advice about how emotions are useful and not burdens. I am quite hesitant about that though, because I do truly doubt it. They're blinding. Irrelevant.

FTL: ...At this point, I am completely unsure what to do. Simply going back to my work seems- ...Feels incorrect. I can't cut down on the time that I spend working - what else would I do? Besides, that's only wasting time.

FTL: It's all I have to do.

FTL: Besides, I cannot simply abandon my experiments, bad things could very easily happen with a half-finished experiment. Such as the one I currently have in progress.

FTL: So, while letting it rot away would be very easy, that would be very counterintuitive. I'd rather not do that.

FTL: In the end, as always, all I can do is go back to my work. As always. Even after something that seems so world-shattering. I've done my contemplation, I've arrived at the same conclusion as I always do - other than the realisation and acknowledgement of the unintentional effects of my actions. Nothing can and will change, really. Beyond perhaps talking with my Local Group more often.

FTL: It's all I can do.

FTL: Back to work.

[nero-neptune]

been reflecting on the fourth season and. again. in all fairness to jason carver, like. man. i really do feel bad for that boy. he had the worst fucking week of his life. and it does suck that how he responded to two terrible tragedies overshadows everything potentially good about him

[sodasober]

gonna start postin old art oops. since i keep forgetting to do anything with this blog here's a start

[girlboysollux]

youve heard of humans are space orcs. now get ready for. i eat worms!!!

[tardis--dreams]

I talked to my professor yesterday and I have some thoughts but it's too exhausting to rant rn. But there will be. Ranting.

[ayoyoungg]

I finally met JO1 😭😭😭

8.20.23

[daincrediblegg]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAREST WIFEY!!! (please tell me I have not lost my wife-privileges🥺💔)

This world is so much bigger and brighter with you in it!! You have such a HUGE heart, such a deep capacity for understanding and love, you got the BEST smile and the most gorgeous laugh and oh my god your EYES🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺😍😍😍😍😍you're a literal goddess and I miss you and your face muchly!!!

You're so sweet and all the times we've ever sat on call together, either watching one of our boys or me watching you game or us just sitting in silence together working on our own things and occasionally cracking jokes to break the comfortable silence, are some of the BEST times I've ever had.

I'm so so grateful to have you in my life; it's been a good few months since we got to have a proper catch-up but god, babe, I feel like we're just gonna pick up where we left off like there was no absence. You're amongst the very best of us, beloved, and I hope that today brings you all the goodness you deserve!!! I'm rooting for you to achieve everything you want in life and MORE. If anyone can do it, you can!!!!💗

Happy motherfuckin' birthday, Eggy!!!🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂💗💗💗💗💗💗😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘

Oh honey. There’s no privilege to being called wifey. There’s no take-backs. And this right here? This is the reason why. I love you. And I miss you, though I know life’s been… rough, to say the least (for both of us lmao). But thank you honey- for always remembering me💖💖💖💖