#like with the whole thinf where it feels like someone/ something is living in yr spine/ base of the head

[carmenpeach]

it kind of kills me that i cant share in any "professional" way any art i make in relation to schizophrenia because thats the sort of thing that would make unhirible or whatever you wanna call it. like i have in my artist statement on my site that part of my body of work is dealing with mental illness, but i cant let on that its with something quote unquote "extreme" and ive had to delete from my instagram all art related to that, or at the least delete the description etc.

ive mostly been making more simple fun things for a while but when it comes to my "real" work esp sculptures thats been a focus (though i can pass it off as "nightmare based" stuff which feels very insulting to myself but whatever). at least my last like year or so in college i made myself finally open up about it and talk about it in critiques what my work is about, but i cant really do that anymore. like i could but it would leave me stranded i guess since its scary or whatever. and also the way i dont want to reduce my mental problems as the basis of my art in a fucking "art of the mentally disturbed" clickbait way if that makes sense.

so im back to square one where im hiding it again except for on here and even then ive just been having fun with it like idk drawing shadow wearing a shirt that says "nobody knows im schizophrenic" or little edits like that etc and its just so -_- not to mention every time in a critique where i made something that was literally a self portrait with like my best attempt to depict the dread of something looming behind me and this one cunt had the nerve to make a big show of herself and say how "(normal) people could interpret it as we all have inner demons ^-^" like no? its literally myself in that and yeah you cant control audience reaction but it was literally "this is about me (and in turn other paranoid schizophrenics) and my direct experience with schizophrenia specifically" and of course people are generally incapable of understanding something unless they can personally relate to it no matter how they have to warp something even if its someones self portrait and its sad cause like. people quit talking to me after that and avoiding me except like two people. i knew that would happen i guess but i really genuinly thought people would be more understanding. but here i am square one with it and knowing i cant express it if i want to be able to be around people.

at least ive managed to connect with other psychotic people since i started being open about it and thats really helped the most but i wish i could do something myself to connect with others through my art i guess since i have a hard time talking to ppl despite how i act sometimes. ive also decided that when it comes to talking about myself online im going to keep it mostly to psychosis stuff cause this is the only site i can do that cause i keep it private in comparison to other social media where ppl i know irl from school can see. but it does make me feel lonely again now that its hit me again that i cant be directly open about it publically anymore at least for now sigh