#like yeah there’s a pandemic and redacted redacted redacted smaller more personal horror. but i shouldn’t get like this. i shouldn’t turn
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mutuals, a proposition. what if i went off the grid and blinked out of existence and cartwheeled into a pool of lava also. i am thinking this may be my best option given the stakes and the circumstances
#i don’t want to say it bc a lot of good things have happened this year but nonetheless i truly think 2022 has been one of the worst years#of my life. at least in terms of my mental health. like the unease and guilt and shame i am feeling currently cannot be understated lol!#delete later#purrs#naur bc how is it that everything was so good in 2019 and then since then my mental health has gone extremely downhill even though im not in#school anymore and lived by myself two times and made the closest friendships of my life and have been in counseling for 4 years. lol#like yeah there’s a pandemic and redacted redacted redacted smaller more personal horror. but i shouldn’t get like this. i shouldn’t turn#into a monster and hurt people i love or hide from them so i won’t. that’s not okay and i don’t know how it happened but i want it to stop.#this cannot continue but i don’t know how to make it so. all i know is my heart hurts so bad and my head is spinning except not necessarily#in the dizzy way just in the god i am a fucking mean and cruel and horrible person way. awesome. love that#like when it gets to the point that not even video games or sleep or talking about it will make the ceaseless agony cease… that means it’s r#really ceaseless. and that is not good at all! i think i need a psychiatrist. or a lobotomy. or the aforementioned lava pool cartwheel even.
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