#of my life. at least in terms of my mental health. like the unease and guilt and shame i am feeling currently cannot be understated lol!

[pepprs]

mutuals, a proposition. what if i went off the grid and blinked out of existence and cartwheeled into a pool of lava also. i am thinking this may be my best option given the stakes and the circumstances

[flimsy-roost]

run-on review

debated on whether to review this one before or after I tried some recipes, but I have things going on and wont be able to for at least another week and I'm afraid I'll forget (I may do mini-followups when I have), so I'm going to talk about Crip Up The Kitchen by Jules Sherred solely by the content of the book itself (this isn't really a recipe review thing anyway, who knows maybe I'll start doing that too)

I cannot stress this enough, GET YOUR HANDS ON THIS BOOK, buy it, borrow it, request your local library stock it, please please please

(I must also stress that nearly all of the recipes require a pressure cooker, so if you do not have access to one or the current ability to save up for/quickly obtain one, this book may be less useful for you at this moment in time, but would still be very worth at least borrowing to read the introductory chapters)

everything is extremely clearly laid out, how clearly you may ask, so clearly that the first 41 pages of this 250ish page cookbook is helpful background information and advice, including equipment lists (and instructions on how to use the most important things), clear guidelines for meal planning and meal prep, how to arrange your kitchen and pantry, pros and cons and instructions on how to store food in a variety of ways, charts of cook times, ways to effectively substitute ingredients for specific allergies/intolerences/aversions, every single recipe has an equipment list along with the ingredient lists, different cook times for different equipment, and clear nutritional breakdowns

instead of by type of meal/dish, recipes are organized by effort level (or number of spoons required), and the quantity of each recipe type is pyramidal (five times more low-effort than high-effort recipes) which takes a lot of guesswork/unease around fitting cooking into your life

on a more personal note, I'm literally seeing a dietician rn to figure out how to eat consistently healthy with the particularities that come with adhd/autism, was literally planning to set aside money for a chest freezer before I heard about this book, it's marketed heavily to people with physical disabilities but I figured that it could help me too, and the author literally shouts out neurodivergent people as well so it literally is also for me too which is awesome and validating, this is genuinely exactly what I needed at exactly this point in my life, the chest freezer money is being redirected to a pressure cooker and I'm so excited to start trying these recipes

this book would be helpful for anyone with any kind of physical, mental, or developmental disability, or chronic health issue, that hinders your ability to cook, I also think it would be good for people who are too busy to cook for whatever reason (swamped at work or school, overwhelmed parents/caregivers, etc), or for people who just don't like cooking but who need to/want to start for any reason (ie to save money long-term, to achieve health goals, etc), my best friend is moving into a house with a nonfunctioning kitchen and I'm pooling money with other friends/family to buy her a mini fridge, a pressure cooker, and a copy of this book

[thefanficmonster]

Deep Breaths

Valkyrae x Reader (Gender Neutral)

Warnings: Panic Attack, Mentions of past domestic abuse, Mentions of alcohol and drug abuse, Swearing

Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Angst to Fluff, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: Having received a call from the correctional facility where their alcoholic/drug addict mother is being kept, Y/N gets some intense nightmarish flashbacks to a time that still haunts them despite a decade having passed. Luckily their girlfriend Rae is there to comfort therm.

Requested by Anon. Hi dear! Thank you so much for your lovely request, I hope I captured what you wanted to read! Sorry it has taken me so long to complete and post the fic, but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless. Love, Vy ❤

“Hey Y/N, I-“ One step in the living room and that’s all it took for Rae to pick up on the melancholic mood in the room. 

Her partner hasn’t even noticed she’s entered. Instead, they are sitting hunched over on the couch, elbows on knees, hand seeking their hands’ support to stay upright and their eyes hiding a thousand yard stare that’s got Rae worried sick.

“Babe, what’s wrong?“ She asks softly, inching closer to the couch to take a seat next to Y/N, “You can tell me anything, you know that, right?“

Through the fog surrounding their brain, they somehow manage to catch onto Rae’s words, forcing themself to give her at least a nod in response as to not scare her with their unresponsiveness. They can’t bring themselves to speak, it’s too hard on them to even think of what to say let alone spit it out, especially when their chest feels like it’s caught fire and their mind is still going haywire, heartbeat thumping in their ears as the adrenaline rush refuses to cease.

“Hey, look at me...“ Instead of sitting down, Rae ducks down in front of Y/N, taking their hands in hers, almost wincing at how cold they were. “Tell me what’s bothering you, baby.“

The girl is trying her best not to freak out or lose her cool, despite her already quickened heartbeat she can hear in her ears. She has every right to be reacting the way she is. Her permanently happy, bubbly, optimistic and cheerful partner who always seems to be as energized as though they’d just had a gallon of coffee is now a pale ghost sitting statue-still, staring off into the void with eyes that look empty yet terrified simultaneously.

Y/N’s mouth falls open as though they want to say something but the words die out somewhere along the way, refusing to leave their mouth and give them the relief of sharing their pain with the only person they trust limitlessly.  “I-...“ They finally manage to find their voice though their gaze is still avoiding hers, “I got a call from the correctional facility where....” They trail off, a bitter taste forming in their mouth, making their stomach turn and bite the inside of their cheek as they feel the urge to throw up start to become unbearable. “She wants to s-see me...”

They don’t need to say anything else, Rae’s already connected the dots and her complexion has gone just as pale as theirs. She knows how sensitive and triggering this topic is for Y/N, how many bad memories are tied to this one person in their life. To make matters worse, they’re the one person who was supposed to take care of them yet she couldn’t even take care of herself - Y/N’s mother.

Rae distinctly remembers the night Y/N told her the truth about their family life - or the lack thereof - almost a year since the two had started dating. Rae never questioned their secretiveness and respected their privacy enough not to ask about it, patiently waiting for them to tell her on their own time and own terms. It was no secret even from the very start that Y/N had a very hard time connecting to people and trusting them. It took them maybe two or so months to be able to call their now-girlfriend a friend instead of an acquaintance. Rae didn’t question that too, didn’t push to pursue a friendship with them since, from her point of view, they were already her friend, so she patiently waited for them to come around and start trusting her enough to accept her within their tightknit circle of trusted people called ‘friends’. 

Things progressed from purely platonic to sweetly romantic a little more quickly which pleasantly surprised Rae. The two were quick to grow to be inseparable though that didn’t mean Y/N gave up all their secrets. The darkest one, which happens to be this one regarding their mother, is the one they hid the longest and the last one they had to share with their girlfriend.  The night they did tell it was a very emotional one: plenty of tears were shed by both Y/N and Rae but luckily they had each other’s embrace to seek comfort in and protect themselves from the ghosts and demons of a past Y/N spent so much time running away from.

An abusive parent is not a bit of baggage you can just get rid of. It’s something that weighs so heavy on you and is such a big part of who you are that you can feel it as a part of you. It haunts you no matter how much you try to run or hide. It’s not something you can shake off or forget. You might have physical and visible scars from the time spent with said parent or the trauma can be entirely psychological - regardless, it lives within you. Follows you around, raises questions you’re not sure you want answered, degrades you - making it seem like what happened was your fault in one way or another - it destroys you slowly very time something triggers a memory of that time, be it a simple conversation that has nothing to do with the subject or be it the glimpse you accidentally catch in the mirror of a scar on your body - a scar you remember being inflicted on you like it was yesterday.

That’s how Y/N’s been living. Feeling responsible, feeling unloved, feeling chained to their past. They’ve done all in their power to appear unbothered and let it be visible, not even when around Rae since they don’t want to worry her.

But seeing as their past has caught up to them now and they inevitably have to face it, they’re forced to let it show, they couldn’t hold it in even if they tried. Although they don’t wanna play the unbothered, unfazed part any longer. They have been strong on their own for far too long and it’s taken a toll on them. If they keep up with the act, they’ll be completely and utterly crushed.

Not that they’re feeling any better at the moment.

“Stay with me, Y/N. Stay with me. Keep your eyes on me, ok? Take deep breaths. Deep breaths, baby. I’m here, I’m not going anywhere. It’s ok. You’re ok.“ Their short-circuiting brain has been spasming under the influence of the adrenaline, anxiety and panic brought on by the memories of every time they felt small and helpless while at the merciless hand of their alcoholic, drug addict abusive mother, begging to be spared the pain of being hit with whatever object the deranged woman could get her hands on - yet somehow, Rae’s voice still reaches them through all that messy dark fog. “Come on, Y/N, stay with me ok? Please don’t do this, I’m right here, there’s no need to be afraid,”

“I...“ they can barely hear their own voice over the racing of their heart, “I don’t...I don’t wanna go....“ is all they manage to say, a tear falling from their eye.

“It’s ok, we don’t have to go. We won’t go. Your mental health is the most important thing here, Y/N. We’re not going and that’s final.“ Rae replies vigorously, tightening her hold on Y/N’s hands.

Despite the state they’re in, Y/N can’t help but take notice of the use of the word ‘we’, Rae’s reminder that they are not alone, that she’s there for them and will not let them go into this alone. That brings a small smile to their face, calming their heart and panic ever so slightly, “N-no, I have to. It...it’ll help me.” They sigh before attempting to express themself again, “It’ll give me...closure, I guess.”

Seeing that Y/N’s doing a bit better, Rae’s hand move to cup their face instead, pushing the stray strands of hair away for their features to be full exposed to her, especially their eyes, “Are you sure you want that? Can you handle it? It’s not supposed to be your obligation, Y/N. I mean, the woman’s a monster and she hasn’t even thought to contact you in half a decade, and now she suddenly wants to get back in contact? She has the audacity to disturb you after all this time? You don’t have to agree to this, Y/N.”

Y/N shakes their head, “No, no, I want to. I want to agree to this. I want to live a normal life, Rae. I want to leave her and all she did to me behind. And I can’t do that if I keep running away. What happens when I stop to catch my breath? It still catches up to me like I made no progress whatsoever. That’s not a way to live, not the way I wanna live, at least.”

Rae nods slowly, fully understanding what Y/N is referring to. She maybe hasn’t said anything about it ever, but she’s always seen that little bit of darkness behind the happiness and excitement Y/N always displayed. Rae’s heart ached every time she caught glimpse of those little signs Y/N was putting on a performance while actually hurting on the inside. 

And if a meeting with their mother was what would help them finally fully embrace a happy life, then who was she to stop them.

“Ok.“ The girl sighs, “Ok, we’ll go see her, but only if you’re 100% sure you’ll be able to handle it.“

They shake their head again, sighing with unease, “I can never be 100% sure, my emotions have a tendency of being unpredictable so I’ll just have to pray I don’t have a breakdown or a panic attack.”

Rae swipes her thumb over their cheekbone wiping the tear that just escaped their eye, “If you do, don’t worry, I’ll be right there. You know the drill: squeeze my hand, take deep breaths and most importantly, don’t forget I’m there for you. Ok?”

Y/N nods their head, the small smile reappearing on their face. They squeeze Rae’s hand and take a long inhale. “Hand squeeze, deep breaths, noted.” They say when their eyes meet hers, “Thank you so much, Rae. Thank you so much for putting up with me and all my shit and thank you so much for never giving up on me no matter how much work I am or how hard dealing with me and my demons becomes.”

Rae’s heart stings at Y/N’s words, tears brimming her eyes when she raises a bit on her knees to press her lips against Y/N’s forehead. “Don’t thank me, angel. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you and I never want to get gratitude for it. Love doesn’t ask for gratitude, and neither do I.”

Y/N lets out a small laugh to cover up an emotional sob that escapes their lungs. “I love you, Rae.” They say with a trembling voice.

“I love you too, Y/N.“

This time, the Y/N’s lips met the lips of their girlfriend, reminding themself that their safe haven isn’t a place, it’s a person - their girlfriend who means the world to them.

[daily-dose-of-imagines]

ꜰᴏʀɢᴇᴛ ᴍᴇ ɴᴏᴛ | ᴋᴀɪ ᴄʜɪꜱᴀᴋɪ x ꜰ!ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ | ᴏɴᴇ-ꜱʜᴏᴛ

Y’all thought it was oVER? lolol Blame Admin T--- I asked her who I should write for BNHA and she said this SO ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ As always, thank you all so much for the love and support for this blog~! I hope you all enjoy this as much as I did with writing it~!

I do apologize if I don’t capture his character the best ;;” 

I won’t lie, I was listening to Might U as I was writing this.

» » Admin Ko

Tedious. At least, that’s what it should’ve been. Yet instead of feeling the normal bouts of irritation at the lack of control he had over the situation at hand, he felt...unnerved. The imaginary seed that was implanted in his stomach all those months ago seemed to only gain in mass.

“...Who are you?”

He shouldn’t have allowed himself to grow these...feelings. Not only did he feel contaminated and utterly sick to his stomach, but the strange ache in his chest did nothing to help soothe his frazzled nerves as those curious yet dim (e/c) hues peered into his sorrowful golden ones.

“...My name is Chisaki Kai...”

“Oh! Hello Chisaki.”

A bout of coughing and another grimace as the pain in his chest amplified tenfold at the horrifying sound. It disgusted him. It truly did, yet instead of feeling the need to get away, he wanted to get closer to her. To comfort her-- hell to shake some common sense into her. Even if it meant he would break out, he just had to do something.

“I...apologize if this seems rude...”

“What is it?”

“...what happened to your arms?”

“...I lost them because I was careless. This...I suppose, is my punishment.”

Her curious stare continued to wash over him as he felt the prickle of goosebumps rise on his shoulders. Turning away, he kept his gaze on the vacant wall of the hospital ward. This was torturous. She was torturous. 

Yet still she managed to worm her way into his heart, and he didn’t know whether or not if he wanted to ask for cardiac surgery or to embrace this newfound emotion.

All he really knew was that if he had only been smarter-- hell maybe even faster at coming up with the quirk-destroying drug he could’ve prevented this. He could’ve gotten rid of the parasite that lurked in her veins.

➽───────────────❥

6 Months Ago

“Patient name: (y/n) (l/n). Quirk: Amnesiac.”

Trudging down the corridor, the man once known as Overhaul, walked in step alongside his parole officer / attending doctor. It hadn’t been too long since his arrest and...amputation. In all honesty, he wondered why he was being granted this rare privilege. 

An assistant for a patient. That’s all they had told him. Of course Kai had to scoff. How on earth was he supposed to help? With the lack of usable limbs and knowledge limited to that of basic medical needs he didn’t really find a real necessity in this patient’s apparent ‘recovery’.

“...Amnesiac?”

“As it’s name implies, it’s a quirk that deals the user amnesia--- yet in our patient’s case it not only forces her to lose her memories, but practically breaks down her body’s physical state.”

“...In simpler terms?”

“In short every time she loses her memory her body deteriorates along with it. It’s as if her body is, in a sense...rewinding itself forward to make up for the fact that she lost those memories.”

A grimace. If he could, he would’ve spat out that he had been right in his assumption that quirks were just an infestation to the world, this patient clearly being a poor victim of it.

“...And what is my purpose of ‘assisting’ you?”

“As far as I’m aware, you’re pretty damn heartless and selfish. So it should be easy for you to not catch feelings for her whilst being a constant in her life right?”

“A...constant.”

“Yeah, just someone who she sees everyday until well...”

“She passes.”

“I mean...yeah. Damn you really are heartless.”

“Tch. This is a waste of my time is what this is.”

“Hey, you’re helping me whether you want to or not man. It’s just a visit everyday for like, an hour or two at most.”

Another grimace was given as Kai felt a shiver run down his spine. Despite the place he would be in was a hospital, it still brought the ex-yakuza boss a sense of dread. Especially with the amount of infested bodies that littered the place.

“...how long?”

“Holy shit dude, I get that you don’t want to do this but seriously---”

“How long until she loses her memory you dumbass.”

“..Oh. Well, from what we gather they can last from a day, to a couple of months. Though the longer she stays in a...well, let’s call it a session, the more it harms her body.”

“So say she forgets me tomorrow.”

“Then her body moves forward a day.”

“....After a month?”

“She lurches forward a month.”

“Thus leading to a quick progression in her deteriorating health.”

“...Exactly.”

It was, to say the least, unsettling to hear. Never had he heard of such a sickening twist for a quirk. No matter, the deal was simple. If he was lucky, this would last a year-- as fucked up as it sounded, the sooner she passed the less she would suffer in the long run.

As they neared the door, the clear unease that settled on his features was one that his parole doctor could see from a mile away. 

“Chill dude, it’ll be fine.”

With that, the door cracked open, and there seated quietly whilst reading a book was a woman. By any standards she was normal, average, easy on the eyes with a slight fae-like feel. Though really it was most likely the early evening glow that cascaded into her room the moment they entered. 

All Kai really knew was that it was the moment when gold met glittering (e/c) hues that a seed lodged it’s way into his stomach.

➽───────────────❥

It had started off easy-- well in Kai’s opinion it had. Every other day seemed to be a new start to the ritual that was re-introducing himself to her and making small talk. 

In all honesty, he wouldn’t admit it, but the simplicity of being able to have a normal conversation with someone brought a sense of peace in him. Of course this didn’t mean his usual snark and calculating ways-- or so he says.

For Kai, this change in routine was oddly enough, welcomed. With everything he had gone and the collogues he had imprisoned god knows where, the opportunity to engage in small talk was to say the least, enlightening. It had surprised him. As someone who sought out tactical moves in reading his opponents, he found himself at ease with the simplicity of where he was at.

Granted it was albeit dull in comparison to the interrogations he goes through, it was still a part of his routine that he refused to change. Not when he’s been so invested in it.

That changes when the day he enters her room to find that instead of having to reintroduce himself to her, she remembers him. She flashes him a gentle smile with an endearing, “How are you?” and that in itself has the former yakuza leader lose his breath as he can only comically blink at her before forcing himself to adjust to this strange change.

No later did another change occur that brought a wave of new emotions in him. She had touched him. A caress to his cheek, and unsurprisingly in that moment he broke out in hives. His sight blurring as panic shot through his system at the abundance of thoughts that struck his head as the irritation from the hives had him reeling away from her.

He didn’t see her distressed face. Nor did he see the tears that streamed down her cheeks as she desperately sought out someone to help him. Instead, he awoke to his room laying down with his hives treated. 

He felt violated. Disgusted, yet still. Even with that he found himself at her door a week later. Prepared to start a new with her and a possible replay of what had happened a week prior. Instead, he found her bowed deeply at the waist as she tightly clutched at the thin fabric of her hospital gown.

“I’m so sorry Chisaki! I didn’t know...I deeply apologize for what had happened!”

“...You...remembered?”

“Of course! You’re someone I can never forget.”

The pit in his stomach grew tenfold as his feet began to walk towards the awaiting lounge chair. Golden hues met truthful (e/c) ones as she shifted uncomfortably in her seat before once again bowing.

“I really am sorry...I shouldn’t have reached out to you like that...”

“...just be more aware next time.”

And like that, the pit in his stomach continued to grow. With each passing day she retained her memories, the more the pit swelled in size, and the more she began to work her way into his heart.

➽───────────────❥

Present Day

He didn’t know why he felt an overwhelming pressure in his gut. The lack of food he ate was odd enough, but to actively avoid something out of his daily routine? It was unheard of. He even made that stupid request to ask his parole doctor to grab (y/n) that stupid drink she liked. 

Mentally shaking his head, Kai lightly tapped his shoe against the door before sliding it open. 

The sight bestowed upon him though was one that could’ve brought him to his knees as the pang in his chest seemed to duly ache as he dragged his feet into the room.

“...(y/n)?”

It was quiet. The warm beams of the spring sun settled on her pale features as dim (e/c) orbs glimmered at the sight of him. He should’ve seen this coming. Especially after she had remembered him the day it set everything out of pattern. Instead, he turned a blind eye. Out of pure ignorance? He wasn’t remotely sure anymore. All he knew was that she shouldn’t be like this.

She should be her stupid lively self, cracking jokes and sharing her stupid stories with him. Not laying there like a corpse.

“Ah...Chi-- Kai, sorry you caught me waking up from a nap. I’m sorry I don’t look more presentable...”

“Nonsense. Now, tell me what you’ve done today.”

“Straight to the point huh? Sometimes I wonder how you’d ever date anyone.”

Though weak, the teasing tone she held in her voice was one that added more weight to his chest as he seated himself in what she declared the ‘(y/n)’s best friend’s chair’. A stupid name if you asked him, but he wouldn’t tell her that.

And like that, she spoke of her day, simple tasks and duties she’s done during her stay at the hospital while Kai listened to her as the best friend she claimed he was. 

As for the new name basis, Kai couldn’t tell anyone when it picked up. All he knew was that it didn’t piss him off as much as it should’ve.

As the time neared for him to leave, she stopped him. A look of hesitance on her face as irritation seemed to grow on his own.

“What is it?”

“....Can I hold your face?”

“What?!”

“With gloves on!”

The statement caught him by surprise. Already he felt the disgusting voices in the back of his head whisper at him yet instead of acting on those voices he found himself mutely staring at her as she fumbled over her words.

All he could really pick out was the light blush that was on her cheeks. The spark of color that brought his feet towards her bedside as she stared up at him with shock in those (e/c) eyes. 

“Tch. What are you waiting for?”

Caught off guard, she could only stare at him for a moment before giddily shifting herself to get off the bed. A noise of distaste left his throat at her motion as she merely rolled her eyes and shushed him as she went to fervently clean her hands before snapping on the gloves.

Yet as she did this he couldn’t help but feel the ache in his chest grow even more at the sight of her frail hands and the subtle appearance of a bruise around her wrist at her careless motion of snapping the gloves on. This was immediately forgone as she walked up to him, mindful to keep a distance before she hesitantly held her hands out in a flower cup motion.

At first, Kai had no idea what she was doing, but as he grew to analyze the situation-- as well as remember the odd videos and photos she decided to show him as she sought a sort of relationship herself-- he carefully put his chin into her hands. The hesitancy of her fingers brushing his cheeks pulled a new sort of fondness in his chest as he finally relaxed his cheek against her shy hand.

Golden eyes peered deeply into glimmering (e/c) as he watched her face light up with the most color he had see on her that day. Satisfied, he waited until she finally let go.

“...Thank you, Kai.”

“No problem.”

“No really...thank you...for everything.”

Unease quickly overtook the fondness in his heart as he straightened himself out. Confusion was clearly matted onto his features as he stared down at her.

“...Why are you saying that?”

“What? I can’t say what I want for once? You let me all the time so just let me say this too!”

Finding the whole situation uncomfortable, Kai made his way to the door once more. Though before he left he motioned with his head for her to get back into bed. In response, he got her usual snark as she stuck her tongue out before carefully getting back into bed.

“If you’re on good behavior tomorrow, I’ll have your doctor bring you that drink of yours.”

The light in her eyes was enough to satisfy him and his worries as she nodded quickly before giving him a mock salute as she excitedly got herself comfy in the bed.

“Alright, you promised Kai~!”

➽───────────────❥

“Who are you?”

It should’ve have hurt him as much as it did, but after 6 fucking months. 6 months of her being a daily part of his life where she did not forget him for a single moment came crashing down. The tremble that clutched tightly to his words as he re-introduced himself went unnoticed as he slowly made his way towards the lounge chair that was once considered to be (y/n)’s best friend’s chair. 

“...My name is Chisaki Kai.”

“Oh! Hello Chisaki.”

He could tell she was straining with keeping up a happy front. Her appearance was frail. So delicate that he feared anyone who touched her would be the cause of her disappearing before his eyes. The drink he had requested for her sat innocently on the bedside table as she gave him a reassuring smile.

“It’s going to be okay...”

“...what?”

“You look...distressed, I wanted to just reassure you things will be okay.”

No they won’t. He wanted to scream it at her, that the rasp in her voice was punching holes into his gut. That the frail breathing she had was worse than his quirk being taken away from him.

And in that moment, they stayed in silence. Merely watching one another with mixed emotions before he broke back into the routine he once thought would be meaningless.

“...What did you do today?”

Her words, though slow, told him of a peaceful day. One with little adventures and many simple moments that he’s come to slowly appreciate in his own life. 

Though as the hour of his leave came, he found it hard to get up from the chair. His feet staying practically cemented to the floor as he watched her peer out the window as the warm rays of the early evening sun cascaded over her. Much like it had that day he first saw her.

Forcefully pushing himself up from the chair, he made his way towards the door. Yet each step he took towards it the more the aching feeling in his chest grew as the fear of his last day in that room came to it’s due date.

“...Kai? Can you turn around for me...just once?”

The words caught him completely off guard as he turned to face her. Those eyes no longer were filed with guarded walls. Instead he was met with the face of (y/n). The woman he came to slowly adore within the past 6 months.

He didn’t even think. Instead he surged forward, practically bruising his legs at the force he decided to stop himself with. Though he didn’t care. The bruises be damned, she remembered him. 

“...Can I hold your face? One more time? I promise I won’t ask again. I’ll even wear gloves!”

“...No need.”

The aching in his chest grew tenfold as he found it hard to speak. The overwhelming emotions that sat in his chest were ready to burst out of him. Though he wasn’t sure how. Instead he bent down slightly, finding her confused face even more endearing before he rolled his eyes.

“Well?”

“B-But...the hives---”

“I don’t care. Hurry the fuck up.”

Like that, the confusion vanished as she gently put her hands together in that familiar flower cup motion. Worry was clearly evident in her eyes as she looked at him, but before she could even question again he placed his chin into her awaiting hands. Already the prickly sensation of the hives began to pool as he could feel them form across his skin.

“K-Kai--”

“It’s fine. Shut up. You said you won’t ask again.”

“T-That’s true...”

“Tch. You can make it up to me by getting better so I can show you the world.”

“...when you’re not in prison anymore, right?”

“Right...”

It was hard to speak now. The lump that once was in his stomach had traveled to his throat as he watched her warm (e/c) glisten with unshed tears as she gently caressed his cheeks, ever so mindful of his hives as she tried to at least move her hands. Instead, the male pressed himself further into her touch as the tears began to fall. If anyone noticed the strain in his voice, they didn’t mention it.

“...If you’re gonna be greedy that do what you’ve been wanting to do you romantic obsessed moron.”

With that, she shifted forward before pressing a sweet kiss to his forehead as the tears came down harder. The lump in his throat making it almost unbearable to talk.

“...Thank you Kai...thank you so much for these six months...”

“.....”

“Don’t forget me...okay?”

“Idiot...as if I could even forget the one dumbass that made me breakout after my imprisonment.”

A weak laugh was given as she finally pulled away. With her eyes rimmed red, she shifted to make a call for a nurse, though that was cut short as Kai surprisingly climbed into her bed. No words were exchanged as she reluctantly shifted herself down into the bed-- though it did take time, she managed to curl herself in a way where she left distance between them. 

“...aren’t you supposed to go?”

Featherlike and faint, he strained to hear her as he shifted himself down to properly face her as he melted in her (e/c) gaze. The slow dimming of life in her eyes was enough to tell him that it was time. However, he refused to believe it. If anything he’d find her awake the next day with that silly smile on her face. Yet even as he thought about this, the tears that he once thought were impossible for him, slowly began to stream down his cheeks as he nestled himself closer to her.

“....one day won’t kill them.”

“...mmm...”

“....go to sleep angel, I’ll be right here...”

“...and...you’ll be next to me?”

“...always.”

➽───────────────❥

Patient Name: (y/n) (l/n) Chisaki Quirk: Amnesiac 

Time of Death: 6:05PM

[kirstinmaldonado]

Chapter Two 2.0

Okay, I won’t lie. Monday was super rough for me.

The weekend was incredibly chill, so I was eager to get back in to my “normal” swing of things. I had a great Zoom songwriting session in the morning, and nothing else went wrong personally for the day, but I still couldn’t shake my sadness. My general unease about the world and how this virus is impacting so many everywhere. My homesickness and desire to be with and protect my family. My fight with time.

I FaceTimed my family and reached out to friends to feel connected and not so lost, even though not being with them or having any idea when I’d be able to go home was the main culprit. If something were to happen, would I be stuck here? What will I miss? How will this hold me back? When will it end?

I recognized that this emotional upset was pretty standard and completely fine— my first five days in quarantine were similar rollercoasters, after all!

But Monday just hit a little harder, maybe because I was trying NOT to be sad and we all know that always makes it so much worse.

My point though, is that no one expects you to be at a hundred percent in this time. We are getting new information every day. So much of it and how it affects your life or the people you care about can feel overwhelming, and that is okay. Take in the information. Implement the change you need. Grieve your losses. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Our mental health is so important right now.

While everything else is careening out of our control with this virus, the best we can do is try to self-care as much as possible!! That definition has many meanings and is individualized uniquely to you! It could be doing a hobby you didn’t often get to do before. Or walking around the block just to get out of the house for some fresh air! Maybe it’s re-organizing and tidying up your space. Maybe it’s working out to rile up those endorphins! Or learning something new! 

Or maybe, that’s easier said than done because you’re one of the ones on the front line battling this with patients (and PATIENCE) every day.

If you are, I thank you. Truly, from every fiber of my being, for your selflessness and care. For your hours spent and devotion to the general public’s future. I wish we all could do more to assist, to ease your burden.

And can you believe all that has been asked of us is to stay home and lessen social contact as a united front? Aren’t we so spoiled? 

Yes, most everyone is having to file for unemployment. Yes, some people are desperate for work to feed their families and provide for themselves, so they must leave the house to figure it out. Doctors, nurses, people with essential jobs are endangering themselves for us while we’re supposed to be home so maybe don’t fuss about how Runyon Canyon is closed so you can’t get your normal, free, SoCali workout. I don’t find that funny. 

It is a privilege to get the chance to “stay at home,” even if it throws your finances in to chaos. It’s a privilege to have running water. It’s a privilege to have a roof over your head. It’s a privilege to rip the overgrown acrylic nails I got off my fingers because even though it’s omg, SO bad for my nails and I have no idea when a nail salon will ever be open again, I have respect for the system in place to stop the spread and protect the people.

(Please read that in a Scrubs Dr. Cox-like tone…it’s been my go-to quarantine binge watch)

Social distancing is incredibly important right now and can change the game with this. And again, if these incredible, selfless frontrunners go to work for us, the least we can do is stop being so selfish and stay home for them.

I wish I could take credit, but I liked the way that was said when I read it off a meme the other day. Naturally, I had to re-post. 

As silly as that may seem, I’ve come to terms with the fact that cliche memes and coy tweets pretty much sum up my life right now. They’re either very relatable or packed with a fiery punch. My timeline is comprised of funny happenings related to being inside the house all day long, something about Disney/me crying (and yes, those things are synonymous), or passionate coronavirus-related rants about how people need to STAY. INSIDE (when you can). PLEASE!!

Like this one! I promise I’m done.

If I may, I’d like to ask everyone to comment what their favorite moment of discovery has been since we’ve been “safer at home.” Or what unexpected thing made you smile?

Did you get to share a unique and special moment with a family member? Bake? Find something you’ve been missing in the house? Paint? Read? Learn, even if it’s schoolwork?

With all the negativity floating around we have to make sure to separate the facts from our emotions so we can process everything adequately. When all the BLAH seems on the brink of toppling us over, that is when those liiiiiiittle positive moments matter enough to count. 

I believe, now in this current situation and always, that recognizing your happinesses and little successes is crucial for personal growth and joy. Anyway, why wouldn’t you take all your lemons and make some lemonade?

(In this one the lemons are a positive…yeah, I know I’ll stick to blogs not philosophical quotes)

Anyway, I want you all to know you’re not alone. Everyone is riding this emotional rollercoaster together. And everyone is handling it differently because everyone’s situations are different! The way others are handling it does not have to be the way you handle it.

Check in on your family, or your friends. The ones you know are sad and the ones you think are doing okay. Hey, check in on YOU. Reach out when you need. Talk to someone for yourself, for your own sanity! It’s important to connect!

Any act of kindness or connection is so appreciated nowadays. We’re remembering how special human communication is and not to take it for granted.

I FaceTimed my family and friends Monday and their faces, their comfort brought me such bittersweet joy. I found myself wondering why I hadn’t picked up the phone sooner.

[paint-pilot]

shit it’s been a second, guess it’s time to update again

edit: holy christ this is long, i’m gonna readmore it. tl:dr tyler has many badweird feelings but is getting through it. fun body changes, including hair growth and an unexpectedly nice voice. surgery and legal matters are Annoying. tw for menstruation

it is truly bizarre to think that i’ll have been five months on t in a little under two weeks. another month after that and it’s half a year. it’s uhh...weird. quarantine has just made this all feel weird. it’s like i fast-forwarded through this whole journey i was supposed to go on i guess? like i got randomly torn out of my life one day in march with no warning and then just as suddenly got spat out in august with a new life - new name, new face, new major, new identity - and no transitional period whatsoever. my classmates, my professors, my students, they all have only known me as tyler. and only ever will know me as tyler. and that’s great! it’s great, and i’m truly just blown away by how markedly easy it’s been and how weirdly good my timing was in transitioning. but it almost feels like i’m still a ways behind everyone else, i guess. i’ve spent so much of my life hiding, and lying through my teeth, and covering my ass every second of every day to protect myself, and i don’t have to do that anymore but the instinct is 100% still there and that honestly doesn’t feel good. of course i’m not making any of it up - i’m happier now than i’ve ever been, and i know i’m making the right choice - but it still persistently keeps feeling that way.

it’s just difficult, i think, to balance wanting to be read as male (and, to a large extent, wanting to keep my transness hidden both for safety reasons and so people don’t start treating me differently) and finding it difficult to hide this truly massive life change that, like, four people are really seeing anything of. and y’all, i guess, lol. it’s one thing to talk about all this in therapy, but it’s another entirely to just be able to share it with strangers and not worry about it being weird.

i was writing this with the intent of it being a mostly happy update but i guess there is some negativity boiling up so. gotta be honest, i guess? there’s a lot of fun trauma stuff i’ve been going through lately that i won’t get into but it’s culminated with this bullshit in this really fun way where my mom gets upset because i get kind of uncomfortable when she shows me childhood photos or tells stories about me as a little kid and then i just break down for reasons i really can’t discern. i’m going to try and articulate this, and who knows how messy it’s going to get, so i apologize if it gets kind of incoherent from here on out. as far as i can tell the root thing that she really gets upset about is that i’ve “thrown away” my whole previous identity. like, not a direct quote, but “you can’t just pretend [deadname] never existed. because she did, for a long time.” and...sure, i guess. i know this has been hard on my mom. i know she was raised in a conservative family, and while she has worked hard to adopt an accepting and open mindset she still doesn’t 100% grasp all of it and will make mistakes. i’ve made my peace with that. and yet. it’s not so much, really, that i was this other person and then became tyler, y’know? tyler did not appear suddenly two years ago where she once stood. tyler put on a mask, even before he knew he was tyler, because tyler was scared and ashamed but people seemed to like her and, for a time, she was an easy person to be. and i hated her. that is so fucking scary for me to say, and i’m not sure i’ve admitted that until literally right this second, but i did. not because she was a bad person. because she had a voice and a face and a body that i hated. because people saw her and assumed they knew me. because even she had many faces, because there was no real base or identity to her, just traits designed to paint a pretty picture and make people like her. because i knew, when i finally threw her away, people would miss her. compare me to her. expect me to be like her.

so i don’t know. i don’t have a satisfying way to wrap this up, because i honestly don’t know how to face this because i know it is absolutely not just the trans thing that created this situation. i’m kinda warring with myself, because i do kinda want to go back through this blog and delete photos of myself with long hair and whatever (because jesus, i’ve had this thing since i was like 14) but i genuinely don’t know if that’s healthy. i know i’m going back on my bullshit, fretting this way and that over whether something is “healthy” as though that’s an objective term without considering what’s going to make me happy, but honestly? i don’t know anymore. i keep sensing the mental block - the swathes of my childhood that i cannot recall, just vague, constant unease - and i don’t really know if i want to dig into all of that and learn what lies underneath because i’m sort of afraid of it. like i said, i’m happy now, happier than i’ve ever been, and i’d sort of like to just leave it like that. but i guess the length and tone of this post might argue otherwise.

anyways. anyways. enough mental health therapy, more actual hormone therapy updates since that’s what this goddamn thing is supposed to be i think? i’m finally starting to grow some noticeable hairs - my chin hair is coming back after my mom made me shave it before i left for school lol, as are a handful of mustache/lower lip/sideburn hairs. i keep feeling phantom bugs on my legs/feet and i’ve only just now recognized that that’s just leg hairs brushing against places i’m not used to. my appetite has picked up like absolute hell again, too, so i don’t know if i’m just having a metabolic spurt or what. also, i’ve started bruising more? idk what the hell that’s about - i fucking never bruise unless i’ve been hit Hard, and i kind of assumed testosterone would make you less likely to bruise, but then that’s probably just not related to the hormones at all. i was gonna put this in the tags but seeing as this post is already so long i might as well put a readmore and just put this here lol: my period is late, like, four days late, which is exceedingly unusual for me and might mean i’m finally done. or almost done. fingers crossed.

my voice has started to settle, it seems like. i popped out an e2 yesterday, which is Sick, but i’m not as focused on that anymore as i am on the actual quality of my tone. which is...good? i’m not just a baritone, i’m kind of a good one, at least it seems like. i’m really working right now on just getting familiar with my instrument - i’m second-guessing my pitch sensitivity a lot, but i think i really just need to drill and practice until everything starts feeling like second nature again. but since the musical didn’t happen for me, my coach wants to enter me in a classical solo competition next spring. so...no more retirement from competitive singing. i’m back! and thank god, because i’m starting to go crazy without being in musical work lol.

jesus fuck, i have a lot to say. i should probably split this into two posts but i don’t care. i am frustrated; i tried to get an appointment with a pro bono legal program for a name change, but it happened today and i wasn’t invited so apparently i’m on my own. and i’m frustrated. i’m trying to look at internships and shit for next summer, but i kind of can’t apply right now because my legal name and sex don’t line up with my presentation, and i don’t really know how easy it is to get away with that in this day and age and especially in my field. genuinely, if anyone has any advice, i’d appreciate it. i don’t know how long this will take, i don’t know what the requirements are, i don’t know if i’m better off just applying now and hoping they don’t eliminate me before ever getting me an interview. and, of course, i’m working on getting consultations for top surgery, but i keep catching myself procrastinating that. which seems weird, but listen. i’ve said it before but i have to emphasize, i am capital-t Terrified of getting this surgery. i know i need to, i know it will make things better for me, i know now is the time, i know i hate binding and can’t really get away with not doing so, but jesus fuck i am so frightened of anesthesia it’s not even funny. but i guess i’m mostly just calling myself out here and telling myself to quit being a big baby, schedule the thing, and give myself a few months to prepare.

anyway. that’s all i have to say. i’d apologize for ranting, but honestly...i dunno. i know at the start of all this a handful of you requested these updates, and i have to imagine it’s because at least some of you are transitioning, are thinking of doing so, or know someone who is or will be soon. and i just hope someone out there can at least relate, because there honestly just aren’t a lot of comparable life changes out there. or maybe this is just therapeutic for me, that’s fine too.

i have two midterms next week i should be studying for. i should do that.

[hiddendreamer67]

Logan and Roman “you don’t have to deal with everything alone.”

When drunk Roman locks himself in the bathroom, Patton turns to borrower!Logan for assistance. This takes place in the same universe as this little story, where borrower!Logan was escaping the three humans.

“Logan?” Patton knocked softly on the bedroom wall, wondering if the borrower would even hear it what with all the music coming from the downstairs apartment. Luckily he did, as Logan came out a moment later, looking only a little annoyed. “Sorry, I know the party’s got you a little tense.”

“Indeed.” Logan’s tone was bordering on snippy.

“It’s just that, well, Roman wanted to come back here to grab something, but now he’s locked in the bathroom, and I can’t get in there and he keeps insisting I go back downstairs but come on I can’t go to the party alone now everybody will ask where he went! but-”

“What does this have to do with me?” Logan interrupted Patton’s rambling explanation.

“Will you get him to come out?” Patton asked. “Or at least comfort him.”

“What?” Logan looked almost appalled by the idea. “Why me?”

“Well…you’re the only one who can fit under the door.” Patton admitted sheepishly.

“No, Roman will be fine.” Logan shook his head. “He’s most likely just being dramatic.”

“Please Logan?” The human pleaded. “I’m really worried about him…I’ll get you all the crofters you want!”

Logan paused, having been about to step back into the wall. “…your terms are acceptable.”

Patton cheered, nearly defining the borrower as he scooped him up. It seemed Patton had been drinking as well because he forgot to request permission before grabbing, and that only made Logan’s unease grow about what state he might find Roman in.

“Roman?” Patton called out, pausing to knock on the bathroom door.

“Leave me to my misery!” The door wailed.

“Okay kiddo.” Patton responded as he set Logan down on the floor. “I’m going back downstairs. If you need anything, Logan’s here.”

“…Logan?”

“Salutations.” Logan grunted, struggling to squeeze himself through the gap beneath the door. He looked up, noticing that Roman was sat in the bathtub with his knees tucked up against his chest. It was clear the human had been crying.

“What…what are you doing here?” Roman seemed to have paused his tears to stare in bewilderment down at Logan.

“I’m here to assess your mental health.” Logan straightened, brushing off his clothing. “Patton is concerned.”

“I’m fine.” Roman hiccuped, looking a mess.

“…I see.” Logan looked unconvinced. “ Roman, are you aware you don’t have to deal with everything alone?”

“What do you mean?” Roman tilted his head.

“I mean, perhaps it would be beneficial if you share what is troubling you.” Logan suggested.

“It’s nothing.” Roman was quick to push the idea away, but after looking at the borrower again he began to tear up and his upper lip trembled.

“Uh oh.” Logan muttered, sensing a wave of feelings.

“It’s just…” Roman’s voice was shaky. “Oh, every one of my friends hates me and I’m a piece of garbage, but it’s fine. I’ll just live in this porcelain tub until I die and make life easier.”

“Why do you think everyone hates you?” Logan pressed.

“They just do!” Roman insisted, breaking out into full on wailing again.

“Oh good lord.” Logan moved closer, making sure he could be heard over Roman’s cries. “Roman, why does Patton hate you?”

“W-what?”

“Why does Patton hate you?” Logan repeated. “Give me logical reasons why Patton would hate you.”

“Well…I haven’t been a v-very good friend.” Roman explained. “I left him and I ruined his night.”

“No, you did no such thing.” Logan shook his head. “You made Patton concerned, but that was merely because he cares about you. If Patton hated you he wouldn’t have gone through all the trouble of fetching me.”

“Okay, but- Virgil hates me!” Roman leaned forwards. “He hasn’t hung out with me in days.”

“No, Virgil is merely introverted.” Logan corrected. “He likely needed some time alone to recuperate. You are jumping to conclusions.”

Roman seemed confused by this, his drunken mind clearly struggling to understand why he should remain upset. “But…you hate me.”

“Me?” Logan’s tone was surprised. He was unaware that he held a place of importance in Roman’s life. He rarely interacted with any of his human companions due to his old borrower customs.

“You’re never around.” Roman insisted. “And you act so scared, and you think I’m dumb, and- and you hate me because I ruined everything for you.”

“Roman, that is incorrect.” Logan stepped even closer, craning his neck back to look up at the human. “Despite our….history, I bear no ill will towards you. Indeed, I am actually quite grateful for the .life you’ve been able to help provide me, nontraditional as it may be.”

Roman’s tears had stopped by now, as the human stared down at the borrower with a hopeful and awestruck expression.

“As for intelligence, you are certainly not inferior.” Logan assured him. “You approach problems with a more creative touch that an individual such as myself lacks. You are a bright student, quite competent in your own right, and you know my opinion in this respect is valid because if you were truly incompetent I would have moved.”

This caused Roman to chuckle. “Thanks. I guess I just let my negative thoughts carry me away.”

“It happens to the best of us.” Logan waved him off. “Indeed, that is why it’s beneficial to ground ourselves with the assistance of others.”

“Thank you, Logan.” Roman reached out, quickly grabbing up the borrower and hugging him to his chest. Logan let out a slight ‘oof’ but otherwise barely flinched, and even managed to give Roman’s chest an awkward pat. Perhaps he was cut out for this after all.

“You are just…the sweetest individual ever.” Roman’s voice broke, new tears forming.

Logan looked up, confused. Now there were happy tears? Roman hugged him even tighter, a few of the tears falling on Logan. The borrower huffed, wondering how he would possibly get through this night. Perhaps this wasn’t worth a lifetime supply of Crofters.

[1dreality]

Zayn Malik was never the celebrity you thought he was. If it wasn’t already obvious from his detached, often melancholic interviews in the wake of his 2015 departure from One Direction, it will be from the title of his second solo album. The very elongated 27-track Icarus Falls is comprised of more of the sparse R&B that Malik has perfected since his first release Mind of Mine in 2016, but like its titular myth is also indebted to themes of incredible ascent and crushing decline.

A decline not of Malik’s career, it should be said, but rather of his own mental health, the album serving as both an intimate meditation on Malik’s life so far and a dire warning about the trauma of instant fame. It all leads to one obvious question: Is Zayn OK?

In an age of millennial openness and Instagram confessionals, Malik remains something of an outlier: an enormously famous and highly visible celebrity, but one whose ambiguity allows us to project much onto him. In our collective consciousness, he has been the 1D-fleeing villain, smoking cigarettes, being mean to his bandmates on Twitter and looking miserable as well as the “soft boy” pin-up, a vulnerable figure in desperate need of a hug.

Much of that ambiguity is intentional. Along with declining to tour Mind of Mine, Malik is often press-shy, choosing not to take part in TV sit-downs or play the social media game in an era in which somebody like Ariana Grande spends much of the waking day interacting with her fans on Twitter and Instagram.

And while Malik has been open about some of his past struggles, including his battle with an eating disorder at the height of his One Direction fame and consistent difficulties with anxiety, they’re often revelations that feel accidental in nature. We learn of them during an unexpected moment of truth-telling between him and a journalist, the subject quickly changed soon after, or through lyrics that are just descriptive enough to imply deep truths. Even talking about his anxiety in an essay for Time Magazine felt like a necessary course-correction after a string of cancelled gigs led to unflattering rumours about his health in the press.

Whether Malik’s public persona is intended as a protective mask or not, it is still difficult, particularly in the wake of Icarus Falls, not to feel something for him. After all, his jump from a working-class kid to an international superstar worth a reported $50 million, practically overnight, is the sort of trajectory most of us would struggle with at the age of 40, let alone at 17 when Malik auditioned for The X Factor.

Icarus Falls doesn’t cover any new sonic ground for Malik as an artist. It sees him return to the same well of threadbare, silky R&B that helped Mind of Mine easily trounce his fellow One Direction bandmates in the “best first solo record” stakes. But it does whirr with a noticeable sadness, Malik repeatedly mourns the peace of his pre-X Factor past and beats himself up for mistakes he feels that he’s made since. And when he speaks of emotional pain, it often sounds not like something confined to history, but rather something he’s dealing with every day.

“I’d rather be anywhere but here,” he sings on Good Years. “I close my eyes and see a crowd of a thousand tears / I pray to God I didn’t waste all my good years.” On Insomnia: “I’ve been roaming and strolling all in the streets / Burning my eyes red, not slept for weeks.” On Back to Life: “I been flying so long / Can’t remember what it was like to be sober.” On Satisfaction: “Nobody said this would be easy / Nobody gave me a rule book to follow.”

Even typical love songs are fatalistic in nature, talk of Armageddon running through both Flight of the Stars (“I will follow / Hold you close standing on the edge of no tomorrow”) and Tonight (“Love me like tomorrow’s never gonna come”), while much of the album nods to an unnamed great love in Malik’s life that he needs to overcome incredible odds to be with – nothing new for love songs, but given a greater weight when paired with his statements over the years. Because if we know anything about Zayn Malik, it’s that he often can’t stand being Zayn Malik.

Through much of the little press he has done, Malik has expressed unease with most of the trappings of fame, particularly the assumptions that he ought to be personable and friendly with industry figures or musical collaborators. And when it comes to One Direction, he still appears burnt by the experience. While he told Vogue in November that he has recently been able to see his time with the band as “an amazing experience,” despite the “bulls---” of what he refers to as “the machine,” he also told GQ in June that he didn’t make any actual friends during the peak of his fame: “I definitely have issues trusting people.”

In the numerous articles that pop up every winter recalling how good The X Factor used to be, clips are embedded that showcase many of its most memorable contestants, and every year it becomes that bit more shocking how much One Direction looked like children during their time on the show. The scrawny limbs, those Justin Bieber haircuts, the awkward school-talent-show bopping and shuffling. It somehow worked, enough at least to turn them into a tween phenomenon, but in hindsight it’s indefensible that they were pushed as significantly as they were.

There was always something deer-in-the-headlights about the band in its early days, a sense that at least a few of them had been pulled along for the ride as opposed to having a firm grip on the steering wheel. The hunger so visible in pop bands of similar notoriety, whether manufactured or not, wasn’t always visible – and while all of them have transitioned into stable adults who are, for the most part, comfortable in the spotlight, their jarringly different responses to fame remain clear.

It’s important to remember, for context’s sake, that Malik was always a reluctant star. Only attending his original X Factor audition after being guilted by his mother into waking up early and making the journey there, he was, in his own words to The Fader, “a lazy teen”. And even during the audition stages, he expressed reluctance to properly join in, walking off stage during a choreography rehearsal and having to be coaxed to go back. At the time, Malik’s reaction registered as a petulant strop, but now feels oddly prescient.

Of Malik’s One Direction bandmates, Harry Styles was always the most naturally inclined to superstardom – such an affable schmoozer and networker that it was quickly no longer surprising to see images of him palling around with Mick Jagger or Stevie Nicks. Liam Payne always bore the personality of someone very eager to be seen, lack of self-awareness very much included, while the perpetually chipper Niall Horan has always simply appeared very, very happy to be there. But both Malik and Louis Tomlinson have often visibly struggled, uninspired by the more performative and fraudulent elements of celebrity, or the levels of attention handed to them by Simon Cowell and co.

“What I really can’t ever get used to, or really enjoy, are these super geared-up celebrity parties,” Tomlinson told Noisey last year. “No one actually cares. You see people who are beyond self-absorbed, and that’s why it can be a dangerous place.”

Malik has echoed similar sentiments. “I don’t work well in group situations, with loads of people staring at me,” he told GQ. “And when you say ‘star’… everyone wants you to be this kind of character that owns a room or is overly arrogant or confident. I’m not that guy, so I don’t want to be a star.”

What’s odd is that, for all his claims, Malik does bear all the superficial trappings of modern stardom. He’s a fashion darling but is permanently magnetised to the covers of cool indie magazines. Furthermore, his on-again/off-again relationship with supermodel Gigi Hadid has, since 2015, become a Generation Z equivalent of Johnny Depp and Winona Ryder in its aesthetic-heavy, era-defining popularity.

But Malik is also simultaneously detached. The GQ profile, his most extensive recent interview, bears all the hallmarks of a journalist struggling to fulfil a word count because of an uncommunicative subject, writer Carrie Battan even expresses Malik’s tendency to reply to her questions in “friendly but anodyne one-liners.” Like the very best of pop idols, from Britney to Beyoncé, Malik is so compelling principally because he’s so hard to read. But this can also be a poisoned chalice: every expression of doubt or self-pity determined to be a cry for help, every revelation shaping an image that may or may not be real.

It means that listening to Icarus Falls isn’t an entirely joyous experience, Malik’s lyrics painting a picture of a young man still working through the discomfort of his sudden fame and the trauma of a moment in the spotlight marred by illness and fractured relationships, many of its scars still visible today. But it’s also a record that you can’t help but admire as a result, especially if it serves as a form of catharsis for him.

In the decade since Britney Spears was forcibly taken to the hospital surrounded by hundreds of paparazzi photographers, our collective relationship with the idea of fame has greatly altered, particularly for a generation who watched Amy Winehouse essentially die before their eyes. The one beneath them are currently coming to terms with a raft of recent pop star crises, from Demi Lovato’s overdose to the deaths of artists like Mac Miller and Lil Peep.

For all the obvious charms in Malik’s life, from his incredible fortune to a kind of artistic freedom that he never had in One Direction, you’d have to be particularly cold not to feel empathy for the sheer strangeness of his adult existence; a world of rampant, maddening attention that has historically led even the strongest of stars into tragedy.

The Zayn Malik of today is a little bruised, a little listless, his magazine profiles never complete without references to the cloud of marijuana smoke that lingers around him, or his need to lock himself away from the world. It doesn’t sound like the most ideal of outcomes for a man who calls himself a pop idol Icarus and sings with whispery detachment that he has “[flown] too close to the sun.” But we can only hope that it at least serves as a parachute.

[clinicalnursing]

Irispublishers- Iris Journal of Nursing & Care (IJNC)

The Causes of Elderly Residence in Nursing Home from the Viewpoint of Elders

Authored by  Vahab Karamivand*

Abstract

Background: As the population grows, the demand for long-term care services is expected. since the most important place affecting the elderly, entering into the nursing home, recognizing causes and motivations for staying in the nursing home is important for the establishment of plans to delay or prevent entry elderly to the nursing home. The purpose of this study was to identify the causes of elderly residence in nursing home from the viewpoint of elderly.

Methods: In this study, the phenomenology method has been used. Samples were selected among elderly residents of the Kermanshah state government nursing homes. sampling in this study was purposive method and finally 10 samples were selected. All samples were male and were ranged from 68 to 88 years. the researcher used the interview to collect data. A colaizzis method was used to analyze the data.

Results: In general, the two main concepts derived from the data: 1 Optional Entry 2 Mandatory Entry. Sub-concepts of optional entry include entry with prior approval, entry for financial and family problems, and compulsory entry; entry by deception, unconscious mood, entry by police and social workers, each of which has sub-concepts.

Conclusions: Some elderly people were voluntary resettled because of poverty, lack of shelter and family problems, although some of them were healthy and active, and some were compulsory by family caregivers, police and social workers. By identifying the causes of seniors’ residency, recognizing their root needs and problems will be facilitated. And it can also help caregivers in proper planning.

Keywords: Nursing home; Elderly; Residence

Introduction

The number of elderly people in all societies around the world is increasing. Each year, 1.7 percent is added to the world population. While this increase for the population of 65 years and above is 2.5% [1]. The country’s elderly population is predicted to reach 10 million by 2020 [2]. Given that elderly patients are at high risk for physical deterioration during recovery after Hospitals and are more likely to have long-term care facilities than other age groups. Providing long-term care services after discharge from the hospital is important for the elderly in promoting health and quality of life. Recently, the rate of hospitalization for the elderly 65 years or older is three times as high as for those under 65, and the cost of hospitalization for people aged 65 and older is about 33% of all hospitalization costs [3]. According to Dorman, it is expected that at least 40 percent of the population over 75 will need extensive health care services at the end of their lives [4]. the problem of the maintenance and welfare of elderly in the society of every day finds new and broader dimensions and statistics show that elderly population in physical, psychological, social, and cultural aspects are constantly required to care for full attention [5].

The term nursing home is used to define institutions that serve people with chronic disabilities and physical defects the focus is on people who do not need hospitalization but are unable to take care of themselves [6]. In other words, people who are unable to stay home due to physical health problems, mental health problems or functional disabilities [7]. On the other hand, the transition to such centers in the study is described as one of the hardest experiences that the elderly encounter [8]. And admission to the nursing home have the mental implications of such as rejection, mental stress, depression, shakiness, loss of home, and the chance of contact with family and friends, so that, among various places, the transfer to the nursing home, in texts, is known to be the most influential place in the elderly [9]. entrance to the elderly has the greatest effect on the elderly and fear on the elderly [10]. Institutions by depriving older persons of many of the personal allegiances, which constitute part of his apparent identity, have destroyed his sense of unease [11]. On the other hand, the economic burden on the family and society and the workforce that can be used in simple and non-violent activity is wasted. Moreover, the transition to the residential care house affects both elderly residents and their families. Studies have shown that moving to these centers occurs at times of crisis, for example, after an acute illness or a period of hospitalization. In this situation, the elderly will need to adapt to the new conditions, and this mental stress may be more than that of the elderly [8]. Nowadays, gerontologist do not pay attention to the increased mortality of the elderly, which is an inevitable consequence of being displaced [12]. Thus, countries with a high population of elderly people have developed long-term care policies for the elderly.

The United States and Australia have developed long-term care measures for the elderly with maximum independence [1]. with all of these cases, there is an increasing trend for the elderly to be transferred to nursing home in Iran [13]. Because, as the population ages, more demand for long-term care is expected. Nursing home have traditionally been the most commonly used form of longterm care. Planners are looking for alternatives that are a less expensive form of care for the elderly. Understanding the causes and motivations of staying in the nursing home is important for designing programs to delay or prevent the entry of elderly people into the elderly [14]. Therefore, identifying factors that affect the use of these long-term care services is an important concern. The research question is that what the causes of elderly residence in nursing home from the viewpoint of older persons?

Methods

In this study, the phenomenological method was used. For data collection, deep and unstructured interviews were conducted over a 4-month period. Samples were selected by purposive sampling method. The researcher selected samples that had sufficient information. 10 samples were selected for this study. all of the samples were male and in the range age of 68 to 88 years. The length of stay varied from 2 months to 15 years. sampling was doing in two governmental nursing home in Kermanshah (Iran), which only accepted the elderly man. Information about the causes of the study was given to the elderly, and all participants received informed consent forms. After the consent of the elderly, places to interview were determined to meet their comfort. Confidentiality of their information and voice was assured. The duration of each interview was set at 20 minutes and finally 30 minutes, as the elderly get tired early [15]. If there were no clear information after the codes were extracted, another interview was conducted for clarification. Finally, 12 interviews were conducted with 10 participants. Some interview questions include” why did you come to the nursing home?” A colaizzis method was used to analyze the data. In the first stage, Recorded sounds were heard several times. And then their statements were word by word written on paper. Then the notes were studied several times to understand their feelings and experiences. In the second step, after studying the extracted materials, the meaningful information related to the title was extracted. For example, the first participant says” I was building and working for a company.

One day I went down the stairs building and got to the hospital. I was 2 months in a coma. When I was fine, they took me home, but my memory was low. My son said I should go back to the doctor, but they had taken me to the notary’s office and called my house in his name. And then they took me out of the house. And I came to visit here. I do not know why they did it to me” In the third step, we tried to extract from each statement a concept that expresses its main meaning. During this stage, we constantly tried to ensure the relevance of the meaning of the original sentences and the relationship between them. For example, from the phrases stated, the two concepts of “entry by deception” and “forced entry” were deduced. After extracting the codes of each interview, the next interview was conducted.

The result of this phase of the research consists of 15 codes that are the same concepts as the developed ones. In the fourth stage, the researcher carefully studied the concepts and, based on their similarity, categorized them into thematic categories or main concepts. in the fifth step, for a comprehensive description of the phenomenon under study, the researcher, groups Different subjects with the same meanings were placed in larger subject categories to reach the main concepts. In this way, the structural components of experience, which included two general concepts, were gradually developed. In Diagram No.1, the general concepts of the findings and how they are categorized are presented. In the sixth step, we tried to provide a comprehensive description of the phenomenon under study without ambiguity. The final step was to validate by referring to each sample and asking about the findings [16].

In this research, two criteria of dependability and credibility were used to strengthen the research. In order to confirm the acceptance of the findings, the researcher referred the extracted code to the participants, and with their confirmation, the findings became valid. Furthermore, the researcher referred the findings and the extracted codes to the expert on qualitative research, and in several instances, from the beginning of the analysis, the codes of code formation were examined to reach the main concepts and the validity of the research findings were confirmed. In addition, the researcher explained the research process and how to achieve the results to be sure of the finding, so that other researchers can understand how to achieve the results [17].

Optional entry

Entry with prior approval: Some research samples have stated that they have come here with their desire and choice” When some of them were asked how you came to nursing home?” They responded to the researcher. I came to my own will. I lived alone at home. Someone has not forced me. I’m friends now that I am here and I’m happy. But the participant # 3 in the answer says that after my legs broke and I was discharged from the hospital. I did not take care of my children at home, and I heard that these centers take care of the elderly. Now that our body is fine. My family does not get me home.

Entry due to financial and family problems: Some elderly people mentioned the reason for entering the old age as family problems, for example, one of them says that I have two boys who married and live in front of me, my wife died, my boys and brides spend my salary and something It does not stay for me. Sometimes I realize that my brides are grumbling about me and saying your father should go to this house. Or participant No.2 in the answer says I was sleeping on the street before I came to this place, and I begged for days. I’m not married, I have no children. One day I was looking for a place to take care of me and I could sleep comfortably and give me water and food. And I got it from here (Figure 1).

Mandatory entry

Entry with deception: Participant No.4 says that my son said we should take you to the doctor. So, to see the fracture of the leg was good or not, we were on the way for three hours and night. I gave a place and said I was going to take your medicines, but it did not return.

Entry in unconscious mood: One of the elderly states that I was not very well off when I was discharged from the hospital. One of my sons took me to the office and took a fingerprint from me. And a few days later I was taken out of the house.

Entry by government agencies: Participant No. 7 says I had rented a room and I was busy begging for days. My house was full of rubbish and I could not clean it. The neighbors complained to me and called the police. And they delivered me to the social agency. I loved my house and I want to go back (Figure 2).

In this study, some elderly people were settled in nursing homes due to family problems and financial inability. Findings from the study by Sao and Hallis showed that family pressure, feeling of security, using formal and informal services, and a feeling of health degradation lead the elderly to stay in the nursing home, and is consistent with the results of the researcher’s study [18,19]. Also, many older people have not the ability to pay home expenses such as house maintenance, or older might want to move somewhere else. But they do not have the necessary capital to move, and they inevitably prefer to stay in the nursing home [20]. on the other hand, elderly people who live alone are more likely to seek accommodations for social contact with others. therefore, for older adults living alone before acceptance, positive outcomes were expected [9]. In the present study, some elderly people said they had been forced into the nursing home. For example: stay without notice, or stay deceived, stay in a state of illness and stay for taking care. While studies show that elderly people prefer to recover the disease in their place of residence instead of the elderly. When the mental and physical abilities of the elder are getting worse, and family resources or society is not available for a long time, admission to the elderly is required [18].

Findings of the study by Shiva et al. Showed that in addition to previous hospitalization, caregivers’ willingness to stay in the nursing home is a determinative factor in the use of nursing homes after hospital discharge [3]. In this study, one of the ways of entering the elderly into nursing home is entering in state of Unconscious following cognitive impairment, which is consistent with the findings of the study by Wang et al [22]. Another reason for the elderly’s stay in this study is the lack of proper care after discharge from the hospital. For example, one of the participants stated: “When my pelvis broke down and I was in hospital for about one month, they said that to go home for home care, “at home there was no one to pay attention to my daily needs. There was not even anyone to give me a glass of water and I decided to go to the nursing home to continue to care. “ In analyzing these statements, it can be stated that elderly people, given their high needs, especially when they are recovering from illness, should be given more attention so that the recovery process does not go back. These results are consistent with the findings of the Abbasid study and Colleagues [23].

Conclusion

From the findings of this study, it is concluded that factors such as cognitive impairment, physical illness, financial problems, family disputes, sense of humiliation, lack of care, and lack of shelter lead to elderly people staying in nursing home. Some elderly people, despite being active and healthy, had to stay at the nursing homes due to financial problems. And they complained about not having any activity at the nursing home. It seems that if social support is appropriately done, then these elderly people can live in their homes. A number of elderly people were involved in financial abuse. While they have had the necessary capital for a good life, there seems to be no comprehensive organization that supports the elderly in such cases. Coherent social support, government agencies, self-care education and the preservation of autonomy in the elderly, and the training of family caregivers and their support may reduce the entry of elderly into old age. Unwillingness to cooperate, illiteracy, early exhaustion, fear of reviewing past bitter memories were the limitations of this study.

To read more about this article: https://irispublishers.com/ijnc/fulltext/the-causes-of-elderly-residence-in-nursing-home-from-the-viewpoint-of-elders.ID.000533.php

Indexing List of Iris Publishers: https://medium.com/@irispublishers/what-is-the-indexing-list-of-iris-publishers-4ace353e4eee

Iris publishers google scholar citations:

https://scholar.google.co.in/scholar?hl=en&as_sdt=0%2C5&q=irispublishers&btnG=

[bigyack-com]

In US, climate anxiety churns up psychological storm. Here’s why - more lifestyle

In the melting Arctic, communities are racing to maintain their way of life. In the rising Pacific, residents are sounding alarm bells. And in Rhode Island, Kate Schapira and her husband are not having a baby.Fears about climate change are prompting worldwide action, but one knock-on effect in the United States is mounting anxiety about everything from plastics to class-based environmental disparities.Schapira, a 40-year-old senior lecturer in the English department at Brown University, is addressing that unease in a number of ways.The decision not to have children was not just about concern for their future well-being amid environmental degradation, she explained, but also about not wanting “my sense of responsibility to the world to shrink down to the size of one person.”Schapira also says she has likely taken her last flight.She said she was troubled that people were treating her climate fears “like a personal, individual problem,” she said, and she wanted to “see if that was actually the case.”So in 2014, Schapira started setting up a “climate anxiety” booth in public spaces, such as farmers’ markets. It’s a bit like Lucy’s psychiatry stall from the beloved comic “Peanuts.”“Climate anxiety counseling, 5 cents. The doctor is in,” the booth’s sign reads, welcoming passersby in Providence to talk about their fears.As it turns out, Schapira was far from alone. - Widespread worry -About six in 10 Americans say they are at least “somewhat worried” about global warming and 23 percent say they are “very worried,” according to a survey conducted by Yale and George Mason universities in March and April.Anthony Leiserowitz, director of the Yale Program on Climate Change Communication, said Americans can be broken into six categories based on their reaction to climate change, ranging from alarmed to dismissive.“The common wisdom is that only upper-middle-class, white, well-educated, latte-sipping liberals care about climate change. Turns out that’s not true,” Leiserowitz said.None of the six groups is majorly driven by one demographic, he said, with the exception of the “dismissives” -- where “well-educated conservative white men” reign.They are “dramatically different in terms of how they perceive the risk than everybody else” he said, thanks in large part to “a worldview that we call individualism” -- particularly pronounced in that group.Of course, that same demographic also happens to control the White House, half of Congress and many of the nation’s richest companies, such as in the fossil fuel industry.As the world’s top experts head to Spain for the UN summit on climate change opening Monday, Americans must deal with the idea that President Donald Trump withdrew the US from the Paris climate accord.- ‘Everyone’ has climate anxiety -For Lise Van Susteren, a Washington-based psychiatrist who has been studying the mental health impacts of climate change for 15 years, refusal to recognize the potential hazards is common for “people who are trying to deny that they too are vulnerable.”“I actually have no hesitation in saying that on some level, I believe that everyone now has some climate anxiety,” Van Susteren said.Psychological responses to climate change such as “conflict avoidance, fatalism, fear, helplessness and resignation are growing,” according to a 2017 report by the American Psychological Association and ecoAmerica.And they coincide with an array of physical health impacts, such as asthma and allergies.At a happy hour for environmentalists in Washington, Alicia Cannon -- who works in environmental policy lobbying -- was asked whether she was experiencing any climate anxiety. Her response: “Oh God, yes.”“I think a lot of people that work in climate feel some kind of climate anxiety because it’s such a large-scale issue and it’s overwhelming and you feel that it’s overwhelming because of helplessness,” the 23-year-old said.According to Van Susteren, such feelings can lead people to question whether their individual actions are meaningful in light of the vast nature of the problem.“What we do individually is counted collectively,” she said, indicating that one person’s behaviors can help establish consequential social norms.Debbie Chang, 43, who organized a group counseling session on dealing with climate anxiety on the National Mall in Washington in May, has also decided not to have kids and tries to follow a zero-waste policy.She keeps chopsticks in her purse to avoid single-use plastic utensils, carries a handkerchief to substitute for paper napkins, and brings a steel container with her to restaurants for any leftovers she might want.Chang said until not that long ago, it was difficult to find information on “climate anxiety, climate grief, climate despair, climate counseling.”Now “there’s more... people are starting to realize it’s a thing,” she added.(This story has been published from a wire agency feed without modifications to the text. Only the headline has been changed.)Follow more stories on Facebook and Twitter Source link Read the full article

[everythingisgreenandsubmarine]

How Cinematography Affects Story In "Mr. Robot"

Mr. Robot is one of the most interesting shows currently on television. Returning for its third season on October 11th, this show works both as a boldly modern discussion of mental health and moral philosophy with an intriguing core narrative about hacking, while simultaneously working with the aesthetic of an 80s thriller, both in terms of its sound design, and some of its visuals.

What's most interesting about Mr. Robot, though (at least from my personal perspective), has to do with its most obvious element -- its cinematography.

There are generally two schools of thought when it comes to cinematography, though unwritten. Generally, filmmakers and viewers fall into one of two categories. Some people feel that cinematography should be used to impart the narrative. In other words, it should be used strictly as a tool to present the narrative, and should not call attention to itself, so that viewers are not taken out of the story. Others feel that cinematography should augment the narrative, and introduce subtle elements of its own to enhance the written story.

Mr. Robot is interesting because it does both of these things. The show, and its creator Sam Esmail, is no stranger when it comes to shaking cinematic conventions of. The show breaks the 4th wall with ease and fluidity, affectionately calls the main company in its narrative "Evil Corp", and utilizes voiceover to explore Eliot's state of mind, and philosophical musings. So it should come as no surprise that the cinematography in this show dips into both pools.

Most film students come across the rule of thirds, and other composition "rules" at the very beginning of their education. I use quotes for the term 'rules' because, as you will find, or have already found, there are no true rules in filmmaking. In fact, like with all art forms, the people who are most successful, or who find the most pleasure, in this medium are the ones who consistently break these rules.

The above video, brought to you by YouTuber D4 Darious (who runs an excellent filmmaking channel; I highly recommend you subscribe to him for more DIY filmmaking tips, and filmmaking analyses) discusses the basic premises of these compositional "rules". All of them, in general, can be relied upon to help you create an appealing image, and -- to be fair -- many professional filmmakers and cinematographers rely upon these basic compositional rules in their films and shows.

Mr. Robot is different though. It purposefully, and overtly, bucks typical cinematic trends to create something different. Whenever I watch the show, I always have this gut feeling of unease, or of concern. Why is that? What do these visuals have to do with that feeling?

This goes back to my first mention of imparting a story and augmenting a story. While it's fair to say that all cinematography imparts a story -- by virtue of being the visual element, it is what connects us with the scripts, and character outlines, that have been written out -- it can be harder to identify how cinematography alone can augment, or enhance, a narrative. 

Look at the image above. Without any context, this looks like a badly framed image, right? Sure, it still follows the rule of thirds (she is placed on the right side of the grid), but there's no lead room. Because we cannot see anything beyond what is captured in this image, it feels as though Angela, the character in this shot, is looking at a wall. It's uncomfortable.

The same is true of Elliot in the above photo -- again, still technically following the rule of thirds, but we are again confronted by this odd lack of lead space. Everything feels scrunched together, and the balance of the image seems off.

Some other examples, like this one, are more drastic. Here the cinematographer isn't even following the rule of thirds. Philip Price is relegated to the very corner of the image, while the expansive office around him seems more imposing, more important. 

And again here, where Elliot, who is our main character, is pushed to the very corner of the frame, the environment around him seeming to swallow him whole.

When I discussed this with a filmmaking mentor of mine (this was when I had just started watching the show), he quipped that cinematographers had gotten bored with convention, and were just messing with audiences for the hell of it. Maybe there's some truth to that. But with Mr. Robot, I would like to think there is something underneath the surface here.

That's because these images do augment the narrative. Elliot is an anti-social character, who enjoys spending more time by himself, with his computer, than he does with other people. He only truly considers one person, Angela Moss, a close friend. Further, the story is centered around his desire to help people, and his actions to bring down "the man", so to speak -- all of this is fueled by the mysterious figure, Mr. Robot, who has a very antagonistic relationship with Elliot.

With all of this in mind, is it so odd that the cinematography would reflect these things? By pushing our characters to the edge of the frame, the viewer is unable to really see what is coming, while also feeling very uncomfortable -- we're not used to that type of framing. So by using this unconventional framing, the show is able to make us confused, and/or uncomfortable, and set itself apart from competing shows.

This is further compounded by the usage of wide angle shots that do follow conventional composition rules.

This speaks to the "imparting and augmenting" dichotomy I spoke of earlier. Shots like this are purely technical (or mostly technical). They provide us with a sense of time, place, and tone which is written into the narrative of the story. These kinds of shots bring the words to life. What was a paragraph of Courier font is now a robustly beautiful, and informative, image.

Regardless of whether or not these images have a modernist aesthetic, or if they are recalling grungy, textured imagery from past films and shows, we regard these shots as normal. We may comment on their beauty, or on how cool they are (as we do nowadays when we see a single-take shot), but we generally don't dive into them further to analyze their meaning.

Mr. Robot has plenty of this style of cinematography -- cinematic, informative, pretty to look at. It imparts information well, and allows the viewer to passively ingest the story, the setting, and the characters.

However, it also throws us imagery like this -- unconventional, odd, confusing, and unnerving. Yet it speaks to the confusing, dreamy, or suspenseful elements of its narrative. This kind of cinematography takes us out of the experience, if but for a moment, and yet in doing so it provides us with the chance to delve deeper into the narrative, and to analyze its characters.

It is very possible, as my filmmaking mentor quipped to me, that these cinematographers are just bored, and are trying to see what they can get away with. It is also entirely possible that creator Sam Esmail wanted to create a distinct visual aesthetic that would set his show apart from other dramas currently on television. But these choices feel very deliberate. And, whether by happenstance or by design, they speak to the underlying themes of the show in a way we are not used to. In an age where the majority of thematic understanding comes from overt dialogue and obvious themes, it's both refreshing and confusing to see some of Mr. Robot's themes being discussed in such an obvious, yet subtle, way.

If anything, Mr. Robot's cinematography speaks to the kind of out-of-the-box thinking that has lead to so many film movements, and so many television revivals. We may be in the Golden Age of Television currently, but that does not mean there isn't room for innovation -- quite the contrary. Mr. Robot will continue to challenge us, I'm sure, and I hope its boldness will inspire other creators, and other cinematographers, to do the same.

[dxxtruction]

A Gender Dysphoria Master-Post

Disclaimer: Most sections will preface with my own conceptions and ideas of what these different things mean, primarily from my own experience. I do this mainly because it might help some people more than just a huge list of links. This doesn’t mean it isn’t creditable, but rather that it doesn’t have sources to back up my claims. I’ve done a lot of research and thinking on this topic and it would be tiring to try to find sources for everything I talk about. This Master-Post will be opinionated in some ways, however, I tried to make this post as inclusive as possible! 

TL;DR: This post highlights gender dysphoria, it’s different types, gender euphoria, misconceptions, transition and more. It can be used as a general resource, but I recommend not using it as your only resource for this topic. I’m not all knowing! I’ve sectioned things out if your only interested in reading on one thing. If interested read below. 

If you have questions or concerns with this post I am willing to answer questions and accept messages! However, I ask not to add them onto this post, except if they are in your tags. I may not see tags but I do tend to read them. Thank You!

What is Gender Dysphoria? 

Self Definition: For me dysphoria means several things. It varies significantly based on several outside and internal factors. I do not experience a lot of anxiety or depression stemming from my dysphoria, but this is a common effect for others with gender dysphoria. It’s imperative to differentiate that gender dysphoria in of itself is not necessarily a mental illness, but is rather a cause for mental illness for several with it. Mental health issues can also occur in those with gender dysphoria, not because of their dysphoria, but from unrelated factors. For this reason many say that it functions more as a mood or state of being rather than as an actual mental illness or condition. This might not be everyone’s experience or understanding with gender dysphoria however. It’s always important to individualize how dysphoria is experienced rather than conflate everyone into the same form of experience. 

My dysphoria stems from a place of discomfort and disconnect from myself and how others perceive me to be. However it does not stem from a place of feeling as if I’m in the wrong body, I know this is my body, and I don’t necessarily hate it, I just feel it is out of alignment. My internal self concept is of a man, but others, including myself at times, see my physical self as being of a woman. This in turn causes some distress for me, that distress response is what dysphoria is often attributed to. What helps me understand dysphoria is that it’s like a symptom*. It’s severity, has direct correlations with your environment, perceived gender, your interaction with gender roles, values, and norms, as well as other factors. Which is why it can range so much in variety. I believe the word dysphoria in of itself was picked because it’s meaning is so vague and can fit into several definitions. I do not agree with generalizing all dysphoria as a singular and definable definition, because that simply is not the nature of it. However it might be necessary to define it more narrowly to receive an accurate diagnosis if someone is seeking treatment for it. 

 *(I say it’s a symptom because some transgender individuals may not experience gender dysphoria, want to apply the connotations of dysphoria to their self concept, or even have enough factors for a diagnosis of gender dysphoria. While this is controversial, I will be covering it later on in this master-post in the section ‘Gender Euphoria’)

General Definition: The dictionary definition of dysphoria is a state of unease or generalized dissatisfaction (with life). However gender dysphoria is more specific and often categorized differently, than the general use of the term dysphoria. 

Gender dysphoria as defined by the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Version 5) involves having an incongruence with ones assigned gender and his/her/their expressed and/or experienced gender, lasting for at least 6 months. Along with this the DSM-5 also lists several other factors for adolescence and adults, and a different set for children. These lists are to help professionals with creating a diagnosis for Gender Dysphoria. 

These lists go as follows: 

Adolescence and Adults: 

A marked incongruence between one’s experienced/expressed gender and primary and/or secondary sex characteristics

A strong desire to be rid of one’s primary and/or secondary sex characteristics

A strong desire for the primary and/or secondary sex characteristics of the other gender

A strong desire to be of the other gender

A strong desire to be treated as the other gender

A strong conviction that one has the typical feelings and reactions of the other gender

The DSM-5 requires having 2 of the above signs for diagnosis. 

Children: 

A strong desire to be of the other gender or an insistence that one is the other gender

A strong preference for wearing clothes typical of the opposite gender

A strong preference for cross-gender roles in make-believe play or fantasy play

A strong preference for the toys, games or activities stereotypically used or engaged in by the other gender

A strong preference for playmates of the other gender

A strong rejection of toys, games and activities typical of one’s assigned gender

A strong dislike of one’s sexual anatomy

A strong desire for the physical sex characteristics that match one’s experienced gender

The DSM-5 requires having at least 6 of these for diagnosis, often in congruence with significant impairment or distress. Diagnosis is monitored more closely and strictly in children as there is a lot of uncertainty of if these feelings will be persistent through adulthood. 

Diagnosis of gender dysphoria is, in most places, sadly a requirement in order to receive certain care, treatment, and also coverage on health insurance. However it is generally accepted that you do not need a diagnosis in order to be transgender. Saying otherwise would be a form of harmful identity policing that would set things back significantly. If you find that the language used above doesn’t encompass everything or seems off in some ways, you are probably right in assuming so. Trans activists have been advocating for quite some time now for the depathologization of the transgender experience, stemming possibly from Hirschfeld. 

Here is another post I found that encompasses some other ways someone might experience dysphoria, x

Types of Gender Dysphoria

Self definition: For some it is helpful that dysphoria be lumped together under one roof. I find it more accurate, useful, and inclusive, to differentiate it based on the context of how and why the dysphoria is occurring.

I recognize social and physical dysphoria to be types of gender dysphoria. I haven’t heard much on other forms aside from what some call subtle and prevalent dysphoria. This being a categorized variation between the more recognizable signs of dysphoria and the more subtle signs of it. To make this section as accurate as I can, I’ll discuss what each of these things mean.

Social dysphoria is dysphoria that arrises out of social situations where gender may be a prevalent factor. It has a very broad range of occurrence, and is different for everyone who experiences it. I’ve seen gender based dress-codes, bathrooms, pronouns, and names as common examples used for situations where social dysphoria may arise. Some individuals have very prevalent social dysphoria, or even exclusively social dysphoria. Some people will also place the reactions to secondary sex characteristics and body hair into this category, but I find these things to be more physically related. 

Physical dysphoria is dysphoria that arrises out of ones relationship with their body and how it is perceived by themselves and others. Like social dysphoria, it has a very broad range of occurrence, and is different for everyone who experiences it. However physical dysphoria is narrowed to only be in relation to one’s body characteristics. The things that may insight physical dysphoria are first or secondary sex characteristics, and/or socially defined masculine and feminine traits that one may hold. Again, some individuals have very prevalent body dysphoria, or even exclusively body dysphoria. 

There is also a differentiation between the subtle and more recognizable ways of being dysphoric. There is dysphoria that is very physically or mentally there, and it can usually be pinpointed and recognized as dysphoria. There is also dysphoria that is not so easily definable, can go unnoticed, or not talked about, and is not often attributed to as a recognizable form of dysphoria. It could also be described as the ways in which someone reacts to dysphoria, either prevalently or subtly...

Prevalent dysphoria is things like social and body dysphoria, that have names to them. Some people even categorize certain aspects of themselves with a certain form of dysphoria. For example, height dysphoria or hip dysphoria. It is definable and often recognizable when it occurs or is more prevalent hence the name. Prevalent dysphoria is used in diagnosing dysphoria as most people have the ability to put it into words or recognize it.

Subtle dysphoria is undefinable things or subcategories within prevalent dysphoria that can often go unnoticed, and not clearly attributed to a form of dysphoria. Things like coping, blaming, or avoiding situations can be subtle forms of dysphoria. Most people develop their own ways of coping as a response to distress, but most can’t easily recognize this as a form of dysphoria. Blaming and avoiding are forms of coping. Some people have probably blamed their distress on something else that isn’t dysphoria at one point, even though it was actually a response to dysphoria. Avoiding social situations or your body is also a subtle way of experiencing dysphoria, as it’s not necessarily causing discomfort since you’ve learned to just avoid it entirely. This form of dysphoria isn’t always brought up in discussion, when receiving diagnosis or otherwise. I would also place any dysphoria someone didn’t realize they had until they transitioned under this category. It could be that it lies just underneath everything, it’s supposedly dormant but still there. Because you’ve become to used to and numb to it, it practically doesn’t exist until you realize it’s there. 

(I mention diagnosis only as a form of conceptualizing the difference more clearly. One just simply it discussed more when addressing dysphoria than the other. I am not saying you need diagnosis of prevalent or subtle dysphoria to have it.)

It’s important not to place ones experiences higher or lower than another based on how difficult their dysphoria is to cope with. It’s not up to anyone but the person experiencing dysphoria to decide how hard it is for them. Just because a person experiences dysphoria differently than another doesn’t invalidate one and not the other. Lacking a type of dysphoria doesn’t automatically get rid of or invalidate someone’s gender identity. All forms of experience are valid. 

General definition: Relatively the same at my personal definition, given that there isn’t many credible sources that choose to separate the types. I recommend you simply read above or read the following links for more information: /x /x

Gender Euphoria 

Personal Definition: As I mentioned before in a side note, some transgender individuals may not experience gender dysphoria, want to apply the connotations of dysphoria to their self concept, or even have enough factors for a diagnosis of gender dysphoria. This will be the section where I discuss this idea. 

Euphoria is a more positive form of experiencing a gender identity that differs from an assigned gender. In short it is pretty much the opposite of dysphoria. Euphoria occurs when someone has affirmation of their gender identity, in congruence with a happy or relieved response, among other positive emotions. I myself experience gender euphoria when I’m, for example, shopping for men’s clothes or when someone genders me properly. I also experience a form of euphoria when I bind and/or pack. Sometimes even thinking or fantasizing about how I’ll sound or appear when I’m on hormones makes me euphoric. 

While some describe it as a kind of endorphin high, I think it’s more encompassing to describe it as a generalized state of feeling in alignment, or the feeling of happiness from being treated in alignment, to one’s gender identity. Most, or I would even say all, transgender individuals can identify with a satisfaction or comfort with gender affirmation. As there would be no reason to want to transition, or the need to be perceived as a gender other than the one that was assigned if it didn’t bring some type of solace or comfort to the individual. 

I also feel like it is important to recognize gender euphoria at the same level as we recognize gender dysphoria. Euphoria offers a wider and more accurate representation of trans experience as it brings things out of a purely negative connotation, it shows that we can achieve and feel happiness as well. It depathologizes the experience and in a lot of way’s humanizes being trans. 

Dysphoria has a lot of connotations and factors involved in it that several can’t or don’t fully identify with. Many people’s manifestation of how they experience gender isn’t in the form of discomfort or disconnect but rather in concurrence with satisfaction or affirmation. These moments of congruence manifest more real or distinguishable for some rather than gender dysphoria. 

Some people also experience gender euphoria exclusively. While this is heavily debated on it’s important to note that some, but not all, who fall under this category also have other impairments or conditions that may cause them to not comprehend dysphoria. They may also have grown up inside an environment where their gender and expression always went unquestioned, they never had to make a negative perception of their body and their gender. It could also be that they were always fine as being their assigned gender, but later discovered identifying as a different one felt more right for them. These individuals don’t have dysphoria but do feel a distinct and real sense of gender euphoria, as well as a gender identity differing from their assigned one. This shouldn’t invalidate them simply because they experience being transgender a bit differently than what’s generally accepted. 

Note: A lot of people who have taken steps in transition notice that their dysphoria disappears or becomes relatively nonexistent. People both pre and post transition also have reported going through phases of not feeling dysphoric at all, or less severely than what is normal for them. These periods and circumstances could be a form of euphoria, but also probably a generalized numbness depending. 

Under the model for treatment and recognition we have today, gender euphoria as a form of experiencing a trans identity isn’t represented. I think this is because euphoria doesn’t need treatment, because why would it? However it does need to be recognized, and should be recognized, possibly by the WPATH standards of care. This is so that those experiencing strong feelings of gender euphoria can seek a more accurate and representational means of transitioning or care. However it would be ridiculous to just wait around for that to happen in order to recognize it, as it already exists outside the realm of the medical field. 

General Definition: Gender Euphoria is defined by a state of feeling of comfort, happiness, satisfaction, or alignment to your gender. This a relatively new concept and as I mentioned above, and isn’t widely recognized, even though it should be.

 I use new very loosely as it has probably existed the whole time. However, it’s been largely erased and pushed aside. Probably much to the satisfaction of cis people painting a picture that there is something wrong with being this way, because how can you enjoy being yourself if you’re in any way different than what’s “normal” right? However the term itself was possibly coined relatively recently. To exclude this factor from the trans experience is very harmful and unrepresentable for several reasons, here’s a couple posts highlighting why: x/ x/  

If you’re up to it, WPATH does allow you to join committee’s, one of which suggest things for the next revision. However, IDK if there is specific guidelines or requirements for that: X/ 

Treatment And Alleviation 

Self Definition: Treatment through means of transition is a common process for transgender individuals to undergo. Transition has proven to alleviate the effects of gender dysphoria for most individuals who have it. Another big factor in alleviating an individuals dysphoria is to accept and act on the changes the person might be making. Transitioning along with acceptance of transition are statistically proven to lower suicide rates. For these reasons I choose to include it on this master post. 

Everyone seeks different paths for transition, dependent on what they wish to do, or not want to do, as well as what options are available to them. No one should be invalidated for what they wish, or do not wish to do, as this is an individual issue for the person to decide upon for themselves. People do not necessarily transition to escape the body they were born into, but rather align that body into the gender they are, and feel most comfortable with. More over that person’s body is already the body of their gender identity. If the person who has that body is say, for example, a woman, than that body is a woman’s body. So in a lot of ways I wouldn’t consider it as a treatment but rather an affirmation process. 

Transitioning should not be be defined simply as a medical process, but also a social one. Social aspects of transition are just as important as the medical processes, and for some even more so. Names, pronouns, clothing, hair, even adopting different mannerisms and routines are all apart of social transition, but these are not the only ways of socially transitioning.

A lot of social transition also happens rather naturally, or without realization. Seeing as many before realizing their trans identities had already been expressing themselves rather masculinely/femininely/or androgynously depending. This isn’t the case all the time though. 

Just like medical transition no one should be invalidated for what aspects they wish and wish not to take part in. We are all individuals who are aloud to reach our own understandings of what is best for us to do, or not do with our expression and our bodies. 

Not all trans people choose to transition, to state that to be trans is to transition or want to transition, is unrepresentable of all trans people. 

Transitioning is not the only way of alleviating dysphoria, and often other forms of coping and alleviating the distress of dysphoria are necessary. I find that having a positive creative outlet helps me. Other times it helps to distract myself with other things like watching movies, youtube, or playing video games. For those who are more physically inclined finding an active outlet like running or dancing has helped me significantly. I encourage seeking out any positive form of coping that helps. I know a lot of this section was about transition but It’s super important to have these different outlets. 

General Definition: Transition is defined as a process to change one’s perceived gender to match more in congruence to their internal sense of what their gender is. It’s not necessarily going from point A to point B but rather it is a series of different steps one may or may not take, and that have no real definable order to them. Transition is also not “becoming the other gender” the person is already that gender, they are simply aligning themselves closer to that gender and how they perceive that gender being for themselves. 

The processes for receiving medical care in order to transition have been laid out by WPATH (World Professional Association for Transgender Health) in their standards of care. The latest version of this is: 7th version . WPATH is the most generally used standards of care for those wishing to physically/medically transition however there are still some places that may not use the latest version. It might be good to just ask your care provider, and recommend they use the latest version. WPATH recognizes trans-feminine, trans-masculine, and nonbinary genders, allowing people of all gender identities and expression access to transition. If you are over the age of 18-21, or approaching 18-21, it might also be helpful to look into if your area of residence offers any informed consent to transition, though this may not be the best path for everyone. 

Below is a few links to some resources and information regarding medical transition. (most of the language is directed at binary trans individuals, however the information still stands as useful and accurate):

 Trans-feminine (surgeries)

 Trans-feminine (hormones/estrogen) 

 Trans-masculine (surgeries) 

Trans-masculine (hormones/testostorone) 

All (insurance coverage) 

Here is also a list of different things that have helped other people with coping and alleviating dysphoria that is not transition related: x/ 

Dysphoria Misconceptions 

There is a plethora of different misconceptions both stemming from inside and outside of the community. This is not an exhausted list, but I have compiled the most daring misconceptions I’ve come across. 

Gender dysphoria = being trans = being gender dysphoric uwu

Nope! Being trans = Having a gender identity that aligns differently from the one that you were assigned. Dysphoria is simply circumstantial and common, not everyone has it or experiences it! Read “Gender Euphoria” for more info. 

Dysphoria is a mental illness, mental condition, medical condition, etc. 

This is partially based on how someone defines their own dysphoria, but not everyone feels their dysphoria, or experience with gender, fits into these categories. For more information see, ‘What is Gender Dysphoria?’ above. This misconception probably stems from the fact it is listed in the DSM. It doesn’t function like one would think because of this. As for it being a medical condition this probably stems from the fact that the common treatment for gender dysphoria is heavily medically based. That isn’t what dysphoria is though.

Dysphoria is proof there is something wrong with you being trans!

Whoa there! Let’s back up a bit for a sec. There is nothing wrong with being trans, or identifying as a different gender than was assigned. To add to that dysphoria is a very natural response. This doesn’t mean there is something inherently wrong with that, just that something feels off from being out of alignment. Let’s remove the stigma surrounding dysphoria! More info on this in ‘What is Gender Dysphoria?’. 

Dysphoria is the same as Dysmorphia.

While it’s a bit tricky as these two things have similar connotations, and even spellings, there is a very big difference between the two. The easiest way I’ve come to separate the two is that dysphoria is discomfort and distress surrounding your known self, and dysmorphia is discomfort and distress surrounding a self you don’t recognize. I know, still pretty similar! I found an article on this subject though that breaks this down more here: X/ 

Diagnosis is necessary to prove you have gender dysphoria.

There’s several things wrong with this statement. The fact is, not everyone has access to a diagnosis, or will ever be able to receive a diagnosis for it, despite identifying as trans, or as a differing gender identity than they were assigned. 

Nonbinary individuals do not experience gender dysphoria.

There is plenty of nonbinary individuals who have gender dysphoria. I would even say that some nonbinary people experience more serious dysphoria than some binary trans people. I mean, there is nonbinary people out there who feel dysphoric from being both masculine and femininely characterized. That’s a lot to deal with in the largely binary world we live in! 

Dysphoria is a death sentence. 

Deaths in the trans community largely are caused by an unacceptance of the individual, and unsafe environments. In reality under a safe and accepting environment dysphoria is very manageable for most people. I would say dysphoria is a very livable state to be in, from my own experience with it. That doesn’t remove the fact that It does cause distress for me, simply that I can live with the distress. I would say that no one dies from dysphoria, they die from possible mental health problems stemming from dysphoria (but function not as dysphoria), other things that may be related to them being trans, and how the world around them treats that fact. Things may be hard but they will get better! 

Here’s a few suicide hotlines I’ve collected directed towards LGBT+ or Trans individuals: 

Trans Lifeline US: 877-565-8860 Canada: 877-330-6366

The Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386, 1-866-4-U-TREVOR

GLBT hotline US (several numbers) 

I also found this master-list here on tumblr 

I encourage you look more into this if you are experiencing thoughts of suicide.

Identifying under the trans umbrella and not experiencing dysphoria is harmful. 

Ironically this is a harmful thing to believe. There is many trans individuals who experience no dysphoria or not all forms of dysphoria. More info on that in ‘Gender Euphoria’ above. Another thing is that I have found in no way how this would somehow be harmful to the community, other than the fact that it confuses cis people. Which is a terrible premise to base beliefs off of, because cis people are not trans, and shouldn’t have say in how we should experience being trans. Cis people’s confusion doesn’t make an experience invalid.

However, I can understand a defensive response when reacting to the fact these people exist. Possibly someone’s whole life they’ve suffered from being who they are and someone has just broken that bubble of reality for them. I talk a lot in my section “What is Gender Dysphoria” about how we shouldn’t generalize experience, but how we should individualize experience. When it come’s down to it these people are trans as long as they identify with a gender other than the one they were assigned at birth, that’s it. Instead of viewing these people as a threat or harm, embrace them, learn from them, and stand up for them. You may find that you have a lot in common in terms of experience! 

Dysphoria is a constant and unchanged state 

Not so! Dysphoria, like most things, is very flexible and can vary greatly based on the circumstances at hand. It can flare up and flare down, remain unnoticeable or very noticeable for long or short periods of time, and also completely change with time. This misconception stems probably from the fact the DSM lists that you must have a constant period of over 6 months where you must identify with your gender to get a diagnosis. In other countries it’s required you live for a year as your gender identity before you can get treatment. However that all means really nothing, and certainly doesn’t have anything to do with dysphoria itself. For more information see “What is Gender Dysphoria” above. 

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How to Deal with Anxiety in an ever increasingly Complex World

“We can live our present lives as if we are somehow protecting the past. Not the real past as it actually happened. But a fantasy of the past, that we have come to believe it to be. “ Kirstie Shapiro

Anxiety and Stress in the Workplace

We often hear people talking about anxiety, but what exactly is anxiety; what causes anxiety and how do we combat it? Anxiety can be described as a sense or feeling of worry, tension, fear, nervousness and/or unease, especially about things that haven’t happened yet. Although anxiety is a completely natural response to being under threat, it can also be triggered by our thoughts, emotions and physical sensory perception.

Causes of Workplace Anxiety

There are an array of workplace issues that may contribute towards a build up of anxiety, these might include uneasy colleague interaction and/or conflict, work performance, work load, or even perception of self-worth within the workplace. Factors outside of the work may also contribute to workplace stress, these shall be referred to as ‘life stressors’. Life stressors may include difficult family and personal relationships, debt, grief, depression and loneliness.

Stress can be rather debilitating and embarrassing for many people, unfortunately there still seems to be a stigma attached to admitting that one is not coping, when the raw truth is that possibly most of us need some support in one form or another at some stage of our journey through life. Work places need to make it easy for staff members to approach and communicate with their managers or have a well-being team available for them for this type of support and guidance. Managers also need to be trained to look for signs to evaluate whether their staff members are under stress or experiencing anxiety.

Some common signs of anxiety which may be of interest to those of you who are responsible for your teams in the workplace are: • Absenteeism • Being unusually emotionally sensitive to colleagues’ comments, suggestions or feedback • Isolation • Low mood or mood swings • New and unusual behaviours • Restlessness • Lack of ambition and reduced concentration • Fear and concerns are out of proportion to situation

The relationship between anxiety and other long-term physical health problems has been extensively researched which has revealed that there are correlations between those suffering with anxiety, developing other health issues such as diabetes, stomach ulcers and heart conditions. Research conducted through Mind (UK based charity for mental health awareness), found that silence and fear around mental health can be extremely costly for a company, their statistics revealed the following:

When asked how workplace stress had affected them: • 21% of employees asked, revealed that they had called in sick to avoid work. That is 1 in 5 people! • 14% had resigned and 42% had considered resigning due to work related anxiety & stress. When asked to agree or disagree with the following statement: “I would feel able to talk openly with my line manager if I was feeling stressed.” • 30% disagreed

It was revealed that employees felt that they would like to improve their staff wellbeing and didn’t feel that they had the relevant training or guidance. • 56% agreed

Organisations are built on their values, and any company who takes care of their staff when they are experiencing health problems send out a very positive message. Being supportive of staff when they are experiencing difficulty is about more than simply keeping a valued member of staff, it also creates a company culture of due care and support for one another. All employees need to know by experience that their company lives by the values they spout. This type of organisational behaviour cultivates a sense of trust and loyalty which are fundamental drivers in commitment and retention staff. Mental health is a level playing field in that we all have a state of mental health, sometimes we experience good mental health and sometimes not so good, we are all shifting constantly up and down the spectrum, which is affected by a variety of factors both in and out of the work place. The important thing within a company or organisation is to allow it to be an easy conversation to be had, allowing increased interaction, encouragement and productivity.

Here are 8 tips on how to combat anxiety in the work place:

1. Talk it out There is nothing like a good old-fashioned yarn to someone not involved in your life to sort all your woes. Find a sympathetic colleague, or friend without opinions and let rip, don’t hold back, tears, outside voices, trembling and anger are all permitted… get that anxiety and all the internal voices outside of yourself. Sometimes when you hear yourself speaking out loud it can aid with mental clarity and allow things to fall into place and settle.

2. Walk it out When the mind is on overdrive, get into your feet! Take a long walk, focusing the attention on each footfall. When the mind goes back to the thoughts, bring it straight back to the feel of the feet hitting the ground, the shape of the shoes against your feet, the sensations of the ground beneath you and the texture of your socks or shoes. Stomp if you have to at first and then overtime come to think of yourself massaging the earth with your feet.

3. Write it down and prioritise Writing down all your anxieties and worries will help to get them out of the internal loop in your head and/or heart. Once they are all on paper, put them under the headings “Things I can do something about” and “Things I can do nothing about”. Once you have your list of things you can do something about, prioritise them from the most urgent to the least urgent. Then take each one in turn and make a flow chart of creative ways to solve the problem at hand. Then one at a time you deal with each one until you find that you have life totally under control.

4. Bye-Bye Caffeine – hello dark chocolate Caffeine, found in many products these days including… gulp… dairy chocolate!… is anxiety inducing. Slowly cut back on your intake and choose Camomile Tea to calm the nerves and Dark Chocolate to increase your levels of serotonin.

5. Bedtime Routines are not just for Children We need sleep, and there are no prizes for burning yourself out and landing up in a rehab clinic due to over work. Set yourself a cut off time for reading emails and receiving calls, texts and messages and create a bedtime routine, so that both body and mind know that sleep is about to come. Have a bath/shower, read a book (not tablet), have a cocoa drink.

6. Just say “No!” There is only so much a person can do in a day, and there is no need to take on other people’s problems… when you have enough of your own. Doesn’t matter if it someone else’s work load they want you to sort, or their kids to pick up, when your plate is full, you have GOT to learn to say NO! Try this polite rephrase: “I understand your situation, and I am certain you can appreciate how hectic my life is too, so on this occasion I will have to say no.”

7. Defeat the sugar slump & hydrate This does not mean stuffing your face with cakes, crisps and candy! This means planning your day and making sure that your blood sugar levels never slump. Skipping meals causes the stress hormone cortisol to be released which can make anxiety worse. Try to eat a well balanced diet with lean proteins, fruit, vegetables and healthy fats and slow release carbohydrates.

8. Good Exit Strategies – good for business, good for anxiety reduction Anxiety is often caused due to a feeling of not being in control of a situation, yourself or another person. The trick to coping with this is to learn to notice your triggers and develop coping strategies to cope with situations that either trigger you or you can see are about to trigger you. One coping strategy is to cultivate effective “exit strategies”, that will still allow you to enjoy life and all it has to offer, but without the triggers. An example in a social setting may be to drive yourself to a party or event, so that you don’t have to wait for others to get home.

9. This is it – This Moment is all you have! Anxiety is usually crated when we project into the future and our imagination doesn’t make the future look that enticing! I suggest make a list of things you can control and or influence and a list of things you can do nothing about. With the list of things you can do nothing about right now, put it in the bottom drawer of your desk and forget about them. For the list you can do something about or influence then make a flow chart with actions you can begin taking now. Live in this moment, for your tomorrow’s are made up of each moment we live now.

Written by Kirstie Shapiro

The post How to Deal with Anxiety in an ever increasingly Complex World appeared first on Business Booster Today.

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[unifycosmos]

10 Amazing Mindfulness Benefits [A Secret to Limitless Happiness]

There are many fantastic mindfulness benefits. Being in a mindful state takes some effort, and some time, but it has some unimaginable benefits.

Mindfulness is one of the simpler meditation practices. It can be done at any time, anywhere. Simply choose a feeling or sensation or action, and focus your attention on it. The simplest form is mindful breathing — concentrating on the feeling of drawing in breath, holding it, and releasing it. The rise and fall of your chest. Your lungs filling and emptying. The air entering and exiting your nasal passage.

By: theformfitness

But you can be mindful of anything, even eating. Just focusing on something in the “now”, in the very present moment, is all it takes to practice mindfulness.

Let’s get into it. Here’s my list of mindfulness benefits to convince you to start practicing today.

Incredible Mindfulness Benefits That You Shouldn’t Miss!

Lower stress levels, better sleep, an excellent tool for weight management, and easier to manage chronic pain… These are just a few of all benefits that come with a mindful state.

Lower Stress Levels

Levels of stress in the general population appear to be on the rise. Everyone’s always connected online, accessible, rushed, and impatient. The need to protect ourselves from stress-related problems grows by the day.

A review of almost 50 clinical trials found that mindfulness meditation shows “small improvements in stress/distress and the mental health component of health-related quality of life.” Another found that mindfulness reduces how much cortisol, the stress hormone, the body produces.

Increased Attention Span

Even brief meditation training can provide benefits. After just four days of meditation training, researchers found that participants were better able to sustain attention. Working memory, executive function, and visual-spatial processing were also measurably improved in the same period.

Better Sleep and Improved Sleeping Patterns

A good night’s sleep is one of the most important things to overall good health. Restful sleep improves mood and concentration and even helps strengthen the immune system. We heal when we sleep — or at least, sleep well.

Mindfulness helps achieve a better night’s sleep. Significant short-term gains in sleep quality were observed in people who started to practice mindfulness. These improvements in sleep quality naturally lead to a decrease in the negative effects of poor sleep which can significantly impact the quality of life.

Easier to Achieve Weight-Loss Goals

Clinical studies have shown that mindfulness can be a good tool for weight management and loss. A study of overweight and obese women found that mindfulness, particularly mindful eating, helped to stabilize weight and prevent the all-too-familiar “yo-yo” effect of dieting. Other studies suggested that eating a proportion of meals mindfully could help to lower stress eating tendencies and aid in weight-loss efforts.

Helps Seniors Feel Less Lonely

Loneliness in seniors leads to many problems, such as depression. This, in turn, can make many other conditions they might face even worse, resulting in a perfect storm of ill health and negativity. Fortunately, studies show that an 8-week mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) program reduces loneliness, and therefore the related pro-inflammatory gene expression, in older adults.

Clear Out Negative Thoughts

Sitting at work all day isn’t good for your physical or mental health. The positive benefits of simply taking a walk every few hours are well documented. Less well known are studies suggesting that adding mindfulness to the walk, or the day in general, will also help improve mood and clear negative thoughts during hectic working days.

Help Manage Chronic Pain

Hundreds of millions of people experience chronic pain every day. There are many illnesses, injuries, and conditions which lead to it. Non-medication pain management is a topic of growing research, as countries seek to save themselves from growing opioid dependencies in their people. Mindfulness has been found to be one such tool which can help manage chronic pain without the need for constant medication.

Help Prevent Depression Relapse

Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT) is a tool used to combat depression and prevent depression relapse. Like most diseases, sufferers of major depressive disorder can relapse even after successful treatment. MBCT helps prevent these relapses from occurring, keeping people in a healthier, elevated mood.

Lower Anxiety

Perhaps one of the best-documented and well-known results of mindfulness is its ability to lower anxiety. Where stress is usually a response to a specific situation, anxiety is often more of a generalized feeling of unease without a specific cause. Mindfulness helps us to remove negative thoughts and stress, which in turn leads to lower anxiety levels.

Grow Your Brain Matter

A surprising — but welcome — result of mindfulness seems to be that it can increase the amount of gray matter in the brain. Research has found that increases in gray matter concentration occurred in the left hippocampus, the posterior cingulate cortex, temporoparietal junction, and cerebellum. These regions of the brain are involved in memory and learning processes, regulation of emotion, self-referential processing and taking perspective.

Final Thoughts

It takes only a few minutes a day to practice mindfulness. You don’t need special tools, mantras, or systems — just a feeling you can latch onto and concentrate on. Mindfulness is about being in the exact present moment, not worrying about the past or anxiously anticipating the future.

But with just those few moments a day, you can increase your mood, your physical and mental well-being, and your health. Isn’t that worth a few minutes of your time?

[peachhplum]

Achieving Greatness While Living with Anxiety

// Sponsored by Head & Shoulders | All views are, as always, my own.

It’s true: you can be happy and live with anxiety. I just didn’t know it at the time…

I touched upon my anxiety in a blog post last year, ‘My Story So Far: Reflecting on The Last Decade’. I posted it when I turned thirty and I shared a series of the highs and lows I had experienced throughout my twenties. One of the major things that weighed on my shoulders was developing severe anxiety that crippled my life for several years. Alongside the sudden breakup of my parents’ marriage when I was eleven years old, those years I spent deep in the trenches of anxiety and panic attacks were my hardest. It’s difficult to put into words how even the most basic of everyday tasks – going to the barbers, standing in line at the post office or getting on public transportation – put a weight on my shoulders that stopped me achieving all that I could. It felt like I had mountains to climb and too often they were peaks that were too high to conquer. My palms would sweat, my heart would race, I’d feel like I was going to pass out. Sometimes I almost did.

Today, however, I want to talk more about how I live with anxiety now and how I lifted this weight off my shoulders and how I overcame this road block in my life, turning it into a high point by finding a positive path forward and not allowing myself to be held back from greatness. I was encouraged to share this story after learning of the Shoulders of Greatness campaign by Head & Shoulders which highlights all of the things people carry on their shoulders – pride, pressure, expectations – and tells personal stories, such as the coming out story of U.S. freestyle skier, Gus Kenworthy, and how they found the confidence to achieve greatness. When I met with Gus last year and talked to him about his story, especially how being in such a testosterone filled sport, it was tough for him to achieve his full potential. It was so inspiring to hear how it was literally a weight lifted off his shoulders when he could be himself and come out.  This resonated with me and how my anxiety had affected my life.First, let’s wind the clock back to the defining moment that made me realize I had to find the strength to over come my anxiety. As someone who had always been out-going, go-getting and confident it was very frustrating to feel so confined by something I had no control over. From the outside, it looked like everything was going great: I still held a well-paid communications job in London, Bright.Bazaar was flourishing and growing by the day and I was happily in love with my then boyfriend (now hubby!). Yet, inside I was struggling everyday with simply getting myself into the office.

The turning point came when I was speaking on a panel at a design conference in London. I had a horrendous panic attack while on stage and it was one of the worst 45 minutes I’ve ever experienced. Seeing the concerned looks on the faces of my friends in the audience was the catalyst I needed to seek help to bring the anxiety under control. It was a long road and I am proud to say that in the last two years I’ve been almost entirely panic attack free. I’m proud to think that I’ve managed to take myself from the point of not being able to sit in a barber’s chair or get on a train, to moving to and living and thriving in NYC which is one of the world’s busiest cities. Especially when I once had an awful panic attack in a H&M Store (the glamour) in this very city, and I wanted to get out the city and never, ever travel again. Now, I fly around the world alone for business without a second thought and I give confident presentations to clients and large conferences. These are things that back then I would have never in a million years thought I’d be able to do again. And despite living with anxiety, I’ve gone on to build a successful brand and blog with over 2.6 million followers on social media, written and styled two books published in eleven languages and be named one of the top 30 people in social media by Forbes. Knowing that I overcame such a huge challenge and managed to forge a successful career is what gives me the strength to fight other battles I face in life.That said, I know for sure that I’ll carry anxiety on my shoulders in some form for life. And that’s OK. While I’ve managed to overcome the crippling panic attacks and can now live my life much more freely than I could all those years ago, I still have to be mindful of my body to ensure I don’t slip back into those dark trenches. The reason I wanted to share a more detailed look at this part of my life is to hopefully inspire anyone, young or old, who is reading to know that you too can realize your greatness and full potential despite your anxiety. With that in mind, here’s how I try my best to live life to the fullest while managing the weight of the anxiety on my shoulders:

– Openly communicate. If you are suffering with anxiety I promise you (from a place of experience) that the absolute worst thing you can do is not tell anyone. Bottling up your thoughts and emotions might see like the easiest or safest route, but it only makes things worse and the mental pain more intense as time passes. Speak to those you love. Tell them what is on your mind. How you feel. Tell them how they can help. Often its hard for people to know what to do, so don’t shy away from verbalizing what you need. And remember, speaking your truth and fears doesn’t mean you have to broadcast it out to everyone or tell each member of your family. Even just telling one person will help lift the weight of the anxiety on your shoulders. It won’t make it disappear but it will help, and over time if you keep openly communicating with a trusted loved one or friend or therapist – anyone! – then you’ll see a marked improvement in your anxiety levels. Even though I’m through the woods of my worst anxiety levels I still hold myself to doing this on a regular basis.

– Mindful of time. That’s right! No more staying up until 1 or 2am everyday and then getting up at 6am to head back to work. Sure, there’s the odd occasion when I have to pull a few late nights and early mornings back to back (hello, we all gotta hustle sometimes, right?!) but the key is doing this long term is simply not healthy. I did it for many years and while I don’t regret where all that hard work got me, it certainly wasn’t without cost. I now know the importance of work/life balance. The scale isn’t always equal or tipped in the direction I’d like but I’m mindful that I don’t let it tip the wrong direction for too long. I used to work all weekend, every weekend and then crazy hours in the week. It just wasn’t healthy. Now, I take at least one full day off from computer-based work on the weekend and it’s done wonders for my energy and mental positivity.– Embrace color! Studies have shown that those who surround themselves with more color are proven to be happier. (That’s why I included a series of my colorful photographs in this post – talking or writing about mental health doesn’t have to be depressing or clinical. In fact, the more we make it less about those things and more about what positive changes we can make, the better.) This is one of the many reasons why I decided to start Bright Bazaar, and indeed my #MakeYouSmileStyle hashtag on Instagram, which now has close to 700,000 images added from people across the world. I started #MakeYouSmileStyle because I wanted to document the everyday moments with color that brought moments of joy to my life – and encourage others to share theirs, too. If it’s not color, then think about something that does make you smile and bring more of it into your life. From volunteering to baking to hiking to painting to reading. Whatever it is, make time for it , even if you don’t feel like it before you start – you’ll likely be glad you did once you’re underway!

– Routine. A regular routine is so important for my mental health. That doesn’t mean I don’t ever travel (quite the opposite!) or try a new restaurant. No, what it means it that I give structure to my days and life in other smaller but impactful ways. Everyday I wake at the same time no matter where I am in the world and I banned hitting the snooze button. This helps to keep my body clock ticking on a regular schedule and rids that sluggish, sleepy feeling that aids nothing but negativity and anxiety in the mornings.

– Shed the embarrassment. I get it. It’s not easy to accept in yourself that you are suffering from severe anxiety, let alone verbalize it to loved ones or work colleagues. However, by speaking up and being honest about your feelings and mental health you are doing yourself (and all the other people who are suffering like you) a huge favor. Speaking your truth and letting others understand why you are feeling the way you are, why you are behaving the way you do and so on, this is what allows those that care for you to understand what you are going through. While there is still a stigma around mental health it is thankfully becoming much less of a taboo. Being honest about your mental health struggles not only helps you personally, but it helps move society forward in a positive way, too. And that’s something to feel great about!– Be accountable. Recognize the signs that you are potentially slipping into a dark place with your anxiety. Maybe it’s continually avoiding social situations. Perhaps it’s a two-week stretch of irritability and sadness. Or, it could be a feeling of unease in certain situations. Sometimes these things might be visible to others around you. If so, let a trusted person know what the warning signs are so that they can be there to help you through those tough times. And the same is true if the symptoms are invisible: speak to someone. It’s important to be accountable to yourself in the first instance by having the courage to speak to someone and tell them you are suffering. Only then can they help. This is an important step in being able to over come your anxiety.

– Just do something. Seriously, it can be anything from exercise to completing a simple household chore like changing the bins or dusting the shelves. I found that by doing regular exercise and completing simple tasks made me feel like I was accomplishing something, which in turn made me feel more positive about myself and therefore helped with my anxiety.Remember, often it’s about doing lots of small, positive things in your life vs. one day waking up and suddenly having an ‘ah-ha’ moment and life being completely sunshine and roses. Life is always going to have its tough moments and those of us with anxiety will likely shoulder it in some form for life. However, you can achieve greatness with the right attitude and by gradually making day-by-day improvements to how you live your life. Once you come to understand the push and pull of your mind and how you personally can keep it balanced in a positive place you’ll feel much of the weight lift off your shoulders. I’ve got this and you’ve got this, too. Together, we can have shoulders of greatness.

[sassysong-blog]

My Name is Not Delaney - Following July 20th, 2034

To understand Miranda Rivers is to know not to say something that would make her panic. Carson could her unease regarding the glass. Of course it was strange to have seen something that was broken in your home and have no idea where it came from, but to understand Miranda Rivers is to know that some things can easily be avoided. 

You idiot. Why did you even ask what broke in the first place? Why did you show her? Stupid! That was stupid! You could’ve been more of a help, but no.

Carson swallowed nervously and held up the glass swan in his palm. They had been holding it on their way out to see their mother. They had also avoided telling Miranda about this so she wouldn’t worry. Miranda knew Carson well, and knew the affect that Mrs. May had on them. Carson ruffled their short soft dark teal hair, dreading the visit to come, feeling the locks between their fingers. It wasn’t that they hated their mother, far from it. Carson loved and admired their mother very much, there were just things that she couldn’t be made to understand. They waited at their bus stop at the street corner, still 4 minutes early according to the schedule.

Carson was stuck in an in-between state, they wanted to text Miranda again, she helped without knowing that she was helping, but it wasn’t easy to find the words. They didn’t want to say “It’s fine,” accepting an apology they didn’t deserve. After two more minutes had passed, they finally said “You don’t have to apologize. I was just wondering if you knew. How are you doing? Did you want to meet up later on?” There was nobody else at the bus stop by the suburban street corner two blocks from the center of town. North Street was never too crowded or noisy, and few vehicles passed other than the bus. Public transit was usually very reliable, and no more than a minute late unless traffic was heavy near another stop. Or unless an accident happened.

“I’m pretty good, just doing some cleaning today. How are you? And sure, just let me know when. Did you want to come here?” Yes. Carson wanted to go straight to Miranda’s after seeing their mother about whatever she wanted to see them about. Their breath always caught a bit when they saw the buses turn the corner. The purple and green vehicles gave them flashbacks. Nevertheless, Carson pocketed the phone and pulled out their wallet to show the driver their pass. They grabbed the railing and pulled themselves up, showed the card to…the name tag said Nina. Nina smiled briefly and nodded for Carson to take a seat on one of the oddly comfortable plastic cushioned seats. There were two other people on the bus. One was a man in a pristine black suit, black pants, black vest, white shirt, and black bow tie. A regular. He always seemed to be in a hurry, his gaze shifting from his silver watch to both windows. The other was a man carrying a brown paper bag in a brown t-shirt and jeans. He always held on to the railing despite there being seats available.

Carson pulled out their phone again. It would be five stops before their mother’s street. They replied to Miranda’s text “I’m fine, just have a few things to do and I’ll be free the rest of the day. I can certainly come over if that’s not going to be a problem for you.” Carson looked out the window and back at the phone again.

“In that case, just let me know when you’re done.” Miranda’s message relieved them. They let out a deep sigh and sent “I will. See you.” Carson pocketed the phone again, continuously running the fingers of their right hand through their hair as if to look for something inside it and looking at the GPS screen in the front of the bus behind Nina’s seat. Their phone buzzed again, probably Miranda saying she’d also be seeing them. They continued to stare at the GPS screen, following the little blue dot that signified the bus’s position. The man in the suit was dropped off at the courthouse. The man with the paper bag didn’t leave. The bus didn’t pick up anyone else, but eventually dropped Carson, who took their sweet time to get off at 12th Street.

After passing three generic houses, Carson suddenly paused and looked down. Mom hates my cargo shorts…. They started to mentally punish themselves as they reached Penelope May’s house. She was looking out through the window, excited in a bright floral print dress with her silver hair tied back in a braided bun. She looked so youthful and full of life. She rushed to open the door and stopped in her once-over at the cargo pants, giving them a sigh and saying “Delaney! You look…comfortable at least. Here, give me a hug.” Carson hugged their mother and suppressed a sigh of their own. I knew it. I knew that was the first thing she would say. I just knew it. They half-heartedly hugged her.

“Come in, come in. Sit down please. I made some tea. Tell me, how are you doing? How is work?” Penelope May was friendly, accommodating, and she always seemed to be interested in what everyone had to say. Carson always felt like a guest with her, treating them as someone she didn’t know very well but was trying to impress or put on a façade for. Her home and their childhood home was always neat and clean, comfortable at least. They took a seat on a couch. Penelope sat on a chair opposite the couch and looked up expectantly.

“Things are good; work is going well. We just got a new client that needs to negotiate a new contract regarding…” Carson continued. To their mother, they were a guest. Her daughter...who worked for Fraumann & Seale who was making decent living wages, but not as good as they used to be. No romantic partner, and a few close friends. To her, they couldn’t possibly be happy with the way they are living. They had dropped their successes when they’d gone back to school. She, herself, had led an exciting life with their father before…something. They didn’t really know despite having been alive during that time. “…we’re not thinking of changing the terms, they seem fairly reasonable, but he told us he wasn’t sure what he was getting into. Basically, we’ll just be looking at some more documentation. Apparently, his last lawyer didn’t do a thorough job. And then two of our clients are in prison, but I think I told you that over the phone…” Penelope nodded again and again, seeming to hang on to every word as though she were trying to read between the lines of what they were saying. “So, how about you? Was there anything in particular you needed me for today?”

“Oh, I’m doing just fine,” she smiled, “I was just wondering if you were still happy with where you were and I wanted to see you. It’s been so long since you’ve truly come instead of just the weekly phone calls.” Then, her expression grew grave. “I was thinking about your father.” Her hands clutched one knee on her crossed legs.

Carson raised his eyebrows, feeling uncomfortable. “What about him?”

“At one time, I think I told you this, he was in pharmaceuticals. You know, I thought at one time that would be the field you would move to. Anyway, I had a thought and I wanted to ask you about it. Do you recall anything about something going wrong with our insurance?” Penelope dropped her leg and leaned over slightly. “I just wasn’t sure; it was a thought I had.”

She looked to Carson, who rolled their shoulders, straightening their posture. “I can look into it. The file should be in the study, but I’m confident we’re in good shape. Is there anything else going on?”

“Well, that’s certainly encouraging,” Mrs. May reverted back to her original smile, humble and bashful and fake, as though she had just received applause for a performance she wasn’t proud of. “Melanie stopped by earlier this week, asked after you, I told her you were doing well. Her daughter’s recent…fall from grace seems to have served her unusually well. I mean to say, Joyce actually moved away from Melanie, is now living with her…wife…and now Joyce is going for her Masters of Health to be a Radiologist’s Assistant in Quinnipiac. You remember, we visited Melanie with her first husband there when you were young, and we have a picture somewhere. I should find that. It’s of you and Joyce when you were children.”

Carson had to suppress the urge to roll their eyes. Melanie had been a friend of their mother’s for as long as they could remember. Joyce, Melanie’s only daughter, had confided in them in her last year of undergrad about her partner of the past three years. Their name was Syeira, Carson knew them. Their parents lived off the grid, difficult to reach even by phone, but they had honored Syeira’s wish to move away and go to college. They were charming and very polite, and their relationship with Joyce was healthy and strong. It came as no surprise to Carson when the two decided they wanted to live together. After an ongoing struggle with Melanie, they eloped and moved to Connecticut. Melanie was against the idea mainly because she was afraid of how other people would treat them, afraid that there would be a hate crime and few people to turn to. Penelope had a strong bias against Romani people for seemingly no reason. It was a bias that Melanie ignored and unwittingly encouraged. By doing so, she became more fearful. Joyce and Syeira were doing well for themselves, and the strong urge to rant to their mother about minding her own business bubbled up inside them like lava. They would give Melanie a call and assure her that everything was going to be fine, they would check up on Joyce every now and again, whatever it took to get her to stop fueling the fire that was their mother’s unreasonable prejudices.

Eventually, Penelope began to launch into storytelling. Long narratives about Carson’s childhood ran unnoticed. Yes, Carson loved their mother very much. She had raised them as best she knew how, and she knew a lot. She was intelligent, all things considered. She was kind, she was loving, but when she got on the subject of anyone with a Romani background or who Carson truly was it didn’t seem that way. It made her look immature and even hateful. Carson wanted to be able to call her out on it, but no option seemed right. So, they just sat there. Their outsides gave the impression of attentively listening to their mother’s stories. Their insides were walking on broken glass.

“What is this?” Penelope had just finished a sentence and moved on to look at the swan figurine that was now sitting on the coffee table between them. Carson didn’t remember putting it there, it was in one of their pockets for a while. “It’s very pretty, is it a paperweight you brought to show me?” Mrs. May didn’t touch it, she just observed it as though it were about to animate itself. Sure. It was a paperweight they had brought to show her.

“Yeah, I found it laying around.” It was as good an explanation as any. Why not? They had found it.

“Well…it’s very nice. I remember you always used to want to show me things when you were young. In fact, it was a fascination of yours to want to show people pretty things. I actually half expected you’d turn out to be a museum curator.” Penelope’s eyes twinkled and her voice quieted and rose in pitch as she reminisced. Carson smirked and continued to listen, and somewhere in that span of time, without knowing it, they reached towards the dark brown coffee-table and pocketed the swan.

[ecoamerica]

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