#like. personal guilt. professional guilt. ambition. desire to up and move and change my life. FIGHT.

[guardianspirits13]

I wanna talk about Natsuo Todoroki for a second here.

tw// mentions of abuse, self harm, and suicide

Natsuo visibly has the most emotional trauma out of anyone else in his family (Touya not included), and I really wanna talk about why that is.

For starters, we haven't seen him really smile since he was introduced in chapter 187. He's introduced as having a friendly, easygoing persona and it's easy to imagine this is how most people outside of his family know him. However, every time we see him appear since then, another layer of his trauma is revealed and expanded upon, and it cuts DEEP.

I think the main reason that Natsuo still seems so vulnerable compared to the rest of his family is different than what you'd assume. Fuyumi and Shouto both spend a lot of time around Endeavor, and have been in close proximity to his (relatively recent) decision to atone. They have seen his growth firsthand and come to terms with it. Rei has obviously taken a very different path to healing- not entirely voluntarily- but she has been working with doctors and therapists for years to change and recover and reconnect with herself and her children. Natsuo is off at college, and takes every opportunity he can to avoid Endeavor. He (understandably) wants nothing to do with him, and shows stagnant resistance to his attempts to atone.

The reason why Natsuo can't move on from the past is because his trauma didn't come from Endeavor. It came from Touya.

Now initially we were led to believe that it was simply Touya's untimely death that still bothers Natsuo, and it makes sense seeing how Endeavor drove him to the edge. Losing his best friend and brother as a young kid without parents to support him or any therapist to speak of can absolutely been the source of persistent emotional damage, but the more and more we learn about Touya's situation, the more evident it becomes that Natsuo's trauma is much much deeper than even grief.

Touya, as we know, was driven by an ambition instilled in him by his father and experienced extreme rejection sensitivity when those ambitions were no longer realistic. Touya's relationship with his parents could be described as insecure attachment, a psychological term primarily regarding how kids react and respond to their parents and other close relationships. As he was raised, Touya learned to equate his potential to be a hero with his personal worth and similarly confounded attention with love. The difference being, of course, that love is unconditional, but even attention was being continually directed away from him as a punishment for continuing to train and burn himself so he could once again become worthy in his fathers' eyes.

This is where Natsuo comes in. At first it was assumed that all of the Todoroki children were born out of Endeavor's strong-willed desire to have a child that could surpass All Might, but we learned that this isn't exactly the case. I'd argue that it was narratively poetic on Horikoshi's part once this was expanded upon. Fuyumi was born to support and encourage her brother, and that is the exact role she plays 23 years later, keeping her family together.

Natsuo's case is even more intersting.

It was bad enough if Natsuo was only born for the potential of his quirk, but it's even more sinister that the sole intent behind his birth was to discourage Touya from his ambitions. I'd say it was to replace him, but it was more to promote the idea that Touya was expendable than to raise aonther kid with the same ideals but the potential to actually achieve it, although that was definitely a secondary motivation.

The parallelism in this is how much Natsuo's life revolves around Touya. He was born because of Touya, he looked up to and took care of Touya as a kid, and the absence of Touya in the present continues to drive him and his decisions in life (but more on that later).

I continue to pray that we will eventually get more solid backstory on Natsuo and Touya's relationship as kids and where it cut off, wether on a bad note or not, but there are a few things we know for certain. One, Touya was mentally ill. Yes, he was rejected by his parents but he seems to have been particularly vulnerable to this compared to any of his siblings since he was the first of them and thus relied only on his parents for validation in his early years. He shows early signs of a variety of different mental disorders, particularly BPD, which I have previously written a whole analysis for on its own. Touya is shown self-harming both by the very nature of his quirk and even by very directly ripping his hair out. He was incredibly self-destructive.

This is why it is so much more concerning to me that Natsuo, who was AT LEAST four years younger than him, was his primary source of comfort. Natsuo was too young to have known anything more than 'my big brother is sad that daddy won't train him anymore' and he obviously wasn't equipped in any way to handle Touya's severe mental illness. Touya most definitely needed professional treaatment as his forms of coping were abnormal even for the neglect and rejection that he experienced. Natsuo comforted Touya through breakdown after breakdown, and more than that Touya relied on him and came to him voluntarily for support. Natsuo was the best option he had, and he took full advantage of that. The main source of Natsuo's trauma was Touya's reliance on him.

Not to say at all that this was in any way Touya's fault- he was mentally ill and desperately in need of some form of comfort to keep him sane; it was almost a survival method at this point since neither of his parents really acknowleged him at all anymore. Touya's instability hurt Natsuo more than parental neglect ever did, but it was the neglect that enabled it and striped Touya of the supportive atmosphere he would have needed at this point not only to prevent but to heal from the mental damage he had already suffered.

Natsuo dealt with this for years and you can see how much it hurt him to see Touya in so much pain, not only from Endeavor's rejection but from his own self harm as well. For Natuso to know that his brotherly love would never be the same as having loving parents; would neve be enough- but at least it was something so he continued to love and care about his brother for little in return- is indicative of the kind of character he is.

(Edit: After the events of chapter 302 we know that Natsuo's relationship with Touya wasn't perfect. I will elaborate more on this in a different post, but I just wanted to clarify that although we were shown a very high-tension scene between them, it is implied that this was a regular occurrence that Natsuo was usually more receptive too but tired out of, in addition to Touya's spiraling mental health. It fit with the natrative to show the tension Touya was feeling with his family from all directions, but Natsu and Touya clearly had a stronger relationship up to and before this point, evidenced by their sharing a room and playing together regularly.)

He is incredibly selfless, and it's interesting to note how many of his positive qualities as an adult stem from negative experiences as a kid. He never really felt love from his parents, so he relied on Touya (and likely also Fuyumi) for that as well. If he grew up learning he had to give love in order to recieve it back, it absolutely influenced who he became in the future, a solid example of this being the responsibility he feels to reach out and have a relationship with Shouto and further regrets that he wasn't able to help his abuse in the past either. Another aspect of his character that intruigues me is how gentle he is. Personality-wise he seems about as opposite as he could be from the awkward, stoic, emotionally-stunted person that is Endeavor.

There are a couple of reasons for this, beyond what I've already discussed.

One, he had little to no contact with elements of toxic masculinity growing up, especially not from Endeavor.

Two, most of the influence he did have growing up was from Fuyumi, who is established to have endlessly cared for him since he was a literal baby.

Three, he grew up in a household where almost everyone around him was in much more literal, immediate pain than he was so he developed a very strong sense of empathy that might also have been tied to early survivor's guilt.

Now I have one important distinction to make, and that's the temptation to label him as a 'softboy' or something of the like after seeing him caring for his family and more pointedly, watching him break down in tears during chapter 252. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with men being soft or vulnerable (on the contrary it's actually so so important and relevant that Hori is writing characters like this in a mainstream shounen manga but that's an essay for another time), it is unfair to label him as such based on a moment when his trauma is being exposed.

Because his truama stems from such a young age, there is a blurry line between just being born with more emotional intelligence and the situation he was in fostering those traits. You know, the classic nature/nurture thing. My point being, it's important to tread carefully when discussing the nature of his personality to avoid invalidating his trauma; I have no doubt that he is very strong for having survived these things, and the moments we see of him onscreen are definitely among his most vulnerable.

Another thing that people less familiar with Natsuo's character might assume is that he is hot-headed and argumentative. I thought that at first too- after all, he doesn't seem to shy away from yelling at Endeavor when given the opportunity. However, this doesn't seem to be the case at all.

The first real scene we see him in with Endeavor, the man walks into the room and Natsuo decides he can't handle it and goes to leave. However, Endeavor happens to be blocking the doorway. Endeavor physically stops him and provokes him to his face, asking him to say whatever is on him mind. While Natsuo is notably not confrontational, Endeavor is. I think it's fair to say that he felt at least uneasy at this gesture. Natsuo is very honest with his feelings, and it's obvious that he's pissed at the audacity of Endeavor to be so oblivious to his own son. This is presumably one of the first real interactions they've ever really had, and at this point Natsuo has been dealing with trauma (caused by Endeavor!) on his own for years, and Endeavor seems completely oblivious to his pain and dismmisive to the rest of the family's as well.

Again during the internship arc Natsuo tries to get along with Endeavor and this time he actually gives it a fleeting chance. Tensions are high, however, and the conversation very quickly becomes uncomfortable, at which point he leaves. It is continually implied that Natsuo is uncomfortable being around Endeavor because his very presence brings up painful thoughts and memories of a time when sharing the same space as him was a warning to run and hide. This is later directly confirmed by Natsuo as he says that every time he looks at Endeavor's face he remembers Touya and the pain he was in.

I feel like an important side note is that we have never seen Natsuo outside the context of his family, which is understandable, as the role he plays in the story directly relates to them. However, if you take a look at Shouto, even though his experiences have shaped him to become who he is, he definitely acts differently when Endeavor's not in the vicinity.

Back to Touya's death, it would be very rare that someone would mourn a death for an entire decade without finding closure unless there are other factors preventing it, and uncomfortably this seems to be the same thing for both Natsuo and Endeavor: guilt.

This is getting incredibly long already, but it's important to note that Natsuo probably felt an incredible responsibility to take care of Touya and protect him because of his empathetic nature. His love was never going to be the same as having loving parents. His encouragement was never going to be the same as having support from Endeavor. Even further than then neglect and abandonement, it was not being able to save Touya that really made Natsuo feel worthless.

He seems to try and remedy this inability to save Touya and diminish his guilt by doing everything he can to be better. He reaches out to Shouto to be a better brother, he consistently pushes his limits to entertain Fuyumi's notion of a happy family, and he's working hard towards a degree rhat will allow him to help people like Touya (and Rei) because he failed to do so in the past.

His bio mildly implies that he didn't have much of a direction he was heading in after high school, but Fuyumi's encouragement led him to seek out his current college career. This goes back to Natsuo's 'purpose' in a sense revolving arount Touya, from his birth to his relationship with him to his death, after which he lost his direction. They were always rather inseperable, so naturally their seperation hit Natsuo hard. He lost his direction in life so when Fuyumi encouraged him to rediscover it, he thought of helping people, because that's ultimately what he was born to do.

Thank you so, so much for reading this if you made it to the end! I clearly have a lot of thoughts on this. Let me know what you think about it as well, and hopefully we'll get more info on this soon in the manga :)

[xiverni]

Redemption and “Consequences”

A lot of talk has been had recently as of chapter 284 of both Endeavor and Bakugo’s “redemptions”, and how they seem to be leading up to some grand consequences for their actions, a final karmic retribution of sorts. People often talk about how these two characters have never had to “pay” for their actions, and that they have never had to face any real consequences. 

Of course, this notion is flawed from the surface all the way to the foundation. Not only have these two characters suffered quite a lot throughout their stay in the story, but the very notion that characters have to “face retribution” in order to become redeemed is an odd, troubling, and frankly reactionary idea that should be discarded as childish nonsense. 

To begin with the idea that Bakugo and Endeavor have not suffered due to the consequences of their actions, even a cursory glance at the story can immediately dispel these arguments. Bakugo, due to his abrasive nature and inferiority complex, spent much of the series losing over and over again. From the initial school training arc to the school festival, Bakugo’s flaws have resulted in him failing at his goals, whether they are beating Deku or fighting Todoroki at his full strength. His anger issues and “villainous” outward appearance even led to a terrorist organization kidnapping him, leading to a situation in which Bakugo spent a good length of time wracked in guilt and trauma over his actions, which he believed contributed to All Might’s fall. This all culminates in his failure in the Provisional License Exams, in which Bakugo’s failings again prevent him from reaching his ambitions. 

It is after his second confrontation with Deku that Bakugo’s development starts picking up real speed, with the next arc that centers around him showing that Bakugo is learning that looking down on those weaker than you will only lead to worse outcomes for yourself. Additionally, it is from here that we begin seeing Bakugo both act more cooperatively with his teammates and (occasionally) prioritize saving people over winning. This is shown when he acts as a cooperative unit with his teammates in the Joint Training Arc, and he is seen saving civilians in the Meta Liberation Arc and the Endeavor Internship Arc. 

When it comes to Endeavor, he is a character that is definitely a lot more contentious than Bakugo, for a number of reasons. For one, Bakugo is an “attractive” character to many of those who read this story, thus he is able to get a lot of leeway as compared to other characters. Additionally, he is a literal child, thus he is treated with a lighter moral weight by the “fandom”. The idea that being under the age of 18 somehow makes you less morally responsible for your actions than anyone arbitrary older than that age has always rubbed me the wrong way. Yes, younger people have a less complete and mature perception of the world, thus it is generally fairer to treat them lighter. However, there are countless adults who suffer from the same immaturity problems and developmental issues as young people do. That said, this is a bit of a tangent already.

From the moment All Might retires, Endeavor has already begun suffering for his actions. He has finally reached the position of number one hero... In the worst way possible : by default. The public is at best ambivalent about his position, and his tenure as the head hero has overseen a sharp rise in crime and disorder in society. What’s worse, as soon as Endeavor finally realizes the horrible things he’s done to his family, it becomes apparent that it’s far too little too late, as Natsuo literally can’t bear being in the same room as Endeavor and Shoto is consistently coldly professional to him. Fuyumi and Rei, the two that are more receptive to Endeavor, are a) doing it out a sense of longing for a “true family” and not particularly out of a sentimental attachment for Endeavor as a person or father, and b) in the case of Rei, not even wanting to see Endeavor. Can you imagine the impact of finally growing and learning from your horrific past mistakes, only to find out that these mistakes will never be able to be moved on from? Can you imagine resolving your pride and selfish desires, choosing to leave behind the family you want to rebuild, all so that they can live comfortably and in peace? Endeavor has almost constantly been suffering since the day All Might retired, and even though it absolutely cannot be said that he doesn’t deserve his suffering, it is in fact still suffering that is being dealt to him.

There is also another argument that centers around legal repercussions for actions committed by these characters, which is something that I both concede has not occurred and simultaneously state is literally of no narrative significance. If these were in fact real people in the real world, there would be a compelling argument that Endeavor deserves to serve time in prison for his abusive behavior. However, appropriate legal punishments are not equivalent to self improvement by the method of narrative punishments. How the fuck would a jail sentence improve Endeavor’s moral character any more than it already has improved? For those who are actually making the claim that these characters should have in universe been given legal repercussions for their actions (as well as those who, hilariously, use Endeavor’s lack of legal consequences as proof that the heroes are bad), Endeavor’s actions are literally unknown to the general public. Additionally, bullying among students is pretty standard in Japan, while it is certainly not a good thing. Furthermore, I really don’t see the point in arguing about “physical violence” in terms of characters in a superhero story throwing around explosions like nothing (I am talking about Bakugo’s more abrasive nature, not Endeavor’s actual physical violence against his children, the latter of which is meant narratively to hold actual weight). People in this universe are obviously a lot more durable than people in our universe. Accept that this is a fictional story with unrealistic aspects, and that in order to critically examine it, you need to accept its basic premises at face value without assuming things using the outside world. 

Now to move to my actual argument, I see so many people obsessed with the idea of “bad” characters having to go through some sort of “trial” or “punishment” in order to become redeemed - as if that’s the way people work. While this may come as a surprise to some, bad people are in fact capable of becoming better human beings without experiencing any sort of karmic retribution. In fact, I would say that the resolve to become better, even without some outside force pushing upon you, is a far harder and meaningful journey than one in which you’re simply pummeled and punished into waving a white flag. It reminds me of the trope “defeat means friendship”, in which the protagonists defeat (typically physically) an enemy, thus converting that enemy into an ally or friend of sorts. 

Think about it like this: would you be more willing to forgive someone who committed a terrible crime, served no time in prison for it, but nonetheless learned from their mistakes and genuinely became a better person.... or someone who committed a terrible crime, served decades in prison, and then came out none the wiser to their own actions?

What makes this situation even funnier is that many of the people demanding karmic retribution for these characters’ actions would, in real life, be advocating for justice reforms that lean towards “rehabilitation” rather than “retribution”. In fact, it has pretty much been proven that rehabilitation is almost universally more effective at actually changing the mindsets of people as opposed to retribution. 

In conclusion, the characters people say haven’t been given consequences have been given consequences, and the prison system should be reformed. Tune in next time for more wacky and unexpected topics like societal collapse and the technological decline of human civilization in BNHA. 

[happiness4jane]

The Scariest Thing I’ve Ever Done

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Well, this is terrifying. Paralyzing almost. My hands are literally trembling as I try to punch the letters on my keyboard. When I allow myself to think about the people that might read this. People I know. People I work with. Students I teach. Students I’ve taught. My soon-to-be-in-laws. My exes. Their families (they’ll say, “I told you so!”). My friends. Their friends. My family. My children. All 836 of my Facebook “friends” are potential critics. And they’ll share it with even more people that might know me or will know me, that see me around and will avoid making eye contact with me in Walmart forevermore! When I allow myself to think about that – the people that might read this – every self-doubting, loathing, shaming, insecure demon inside me surfaces in protest. BUT… but. That’s the point, after all. For people to read this. To maybe help others claw their way out of the uncompromising, crippling, and degenerative grasp of the illness known as Bipolar Disorder (no, but seriously, this scares the shit out of me and I can’t breathe).

Here’s the thing though – I shouldn’t be ashamed of it. It isn’t fair we live in a society that shames people with mental illness into silence. That calls us “crazy”. We can’t just snap our fingers and make it go away (but, oh, if I could!). We can’t just act normal, act rational. It’s not something we can tame on command. And we didn’t choose this. Who would choose this?! Who would choose to leave behind a legacy of wreckage? Well, I don’t doubt there are some who’d choose that… As for me, when I think on all the destroyed relationships, the lost jobs, the unfinished projects and departed dreams, the reckless moments that would haunt me for years, the countless days stolen away by infinite darkness… the shame, the shame, the shame – I would never choose this. And yet, despite all the chaos and ruin and regret, it took me about twenty years to get help. Why? The simple answer is, I didn’t want to be Bipolar. I didn’t want people to think I was crazy (Ha! Like they didn’t already!). So, I refused to accept it. I refused to seek treatment. And it got worse. Much, much worse.

About seven months ago, after another life-is-amazing-and-I-don’t-need-to-sleep-and-I’ll-hyper-focus-and-finish-that-novel-and-train-for-that-marathon-and-FUCK!-you-better-stop-getting-in-my-way-or-I’ll-bite-your-damn-head-off-so-feed-yourself elevated state (Symptoms of a manic episode: increased activity, energy or agitation; decreased need for sleep; abnormally upbeat) followed inevitably by a crashing-into-bed-and-plotting-out-the-details-of-my-exit-because-I-just-can’t-live-in-this-world-anymore-and-I’m-worthless-and-horrible-and-you’d-all-be-better-off-without-me depressed state (Symptoms of a major depressive episode: feelings of sadness, emptiness, hopelessness; marked loss of interest in activities; fatigue; feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt; thinking about, planning, or attempting suicide), I sought the help of a counselor. So, what changed, you might be wondering? What made me seek treatment at this point, after shunning it for so many years? Well, it used to be that I had normal periods of time between the depression and the elevation. It used to be fun and ambitious and productive (euphoric but always beguiling) to be elevated. It used to be the depression came maybe a couple times a year. The unwarranted distrust and insecurity and ultra-sensitivity was fleeting. The suicidal thoughts were daunting rather than soothing. That’s what used to be. It was easier to pretend I was normal then. I was just eccentric! I was special! Like some of the greatest artists and inventors and individuals that made history. I was a mad genius just like Salvador Dali, Vincent Van Gogh, Charlie Chaplin, Ben Franklin, Sir Isaac Newton, Michelangelo (Symptom: exaggerated sense of self). I was able to ride that train of twisted thought for a long long time, because I could finish what I started then, because I was younger then, and there was always another job, another lover, another place that would accept me. But around seven years ago, that all began to change. The depression seized more frequently. The elevation became less euphoric and more agitated, even rageful at times – lashing out at and rejecting the people I loved most. I started projects but never finished them. It became more and more difficult to go to work, and when I got there, I had to convince myself out of the car and into the classroom. In the classroom, I felt like an alien. I couldn’t stay on track, couldn’t focus my thoughts (Symptom: rapid and frenzied speaking, racing thoughts). I felt like I was disconnected from everything around me, like I wasn’t real (Symptom: dissociation). And then over the past year, the episodes seemed to be crashing right on top of each another with no reprieve in-between. It was relentless, crippling. One day of unbridled energy followed by two days of extreme irritability followed by one day of bed-ridden depression and then rinse, lather, repeat. Weeks, months, a year like this. The darkness that occasionally consumed my thoughts mutated to a pervasive utter blackness – leaving a void where hope and happiness used to visit. My fiancé pleading with me to get out of bed. My 10-year-old son asking me why I was so angry. My six-year-old daughter saying, “Mommy’s sick again.” I hated myself. I couldn’t pretend I was perfectly healthy – just eccentric – anymore. I was sick. Very sick.

You see, Bipolar Disorder is a degenerative illness, and by denying myself treatment, I had enabled a progression into periods of rapid cycling, meaning I was basically Bipolar on steroids – my depressive and manic moods shifting in a constant unpredictable shitstorm. This is the way it was explained to me by my counselor (in much more eloquent terms). She said that in the same way progressive diseases like Cancer will eventually cause organ failure if left untreated, Bipolar Disorder gradually diminishes brain function if left untreated. Oh, did I mention this conversation took place just a month ago? And, perhaps you remember that I went to see her the first time about seven months ago? No, it didn’t take that long to diagnose me. It took that long for me to commit. I honored my appointments only twice before I disappeared for another two months and then for another five months after that (I was still battling my desperate desire to be “normal”). During those initial appointments, I either purposefully omitted the symptoms of my elevated states, or honestly didn’t know they were elevated states. Hard to tell. On the one hand, for most of my life the elevated states were something to look forward to. They were a tremendous relief since they often followed a long period of depression, or, they were a welcome rush of intense energy and focus and ambition after a period of normal moods and routines. On the other hand, there was a part of me that hoped, if I had to be diagnosed with something, that it be depression and/or anxiety – just not Bipolar, please, not that! For some totally illogical reason, having depression and anxiety seemed more socially acceptable to me. People posted about their depression and anxiety on social media. My students openly discussed their struggles with them in class. Lot’s of people are depressed and anxious! Poor reasoning but, I convinced myself that my elevated states were just “normal” times when I wasn’t depressed. After all, I didn’t behave like someone that was manic. I was nothing like Bradley Cooper’s character in “Silver Linings Playbook”! I didn’t suddenly become totally irrational. I didn’t spend everything in my bank account in some obsessed frenzy. I didn’t abruptly start making good on all my wildest fantasies and desires. I didn’t incoherently speed-talk and jump around from one interest to another. No, it was never that pronounced. Or, was it? I’d certainly been called Bipolar enough in my lifetime – and not in a concerned or encouraging way. More like I was being called a “crazy bitch”. It was a bad word. And I did spend [a lot] more money than I should when I felt “good”. Like, when I bought that boat with a personal loan on a 50% interest rate. Or, when I financed that international trip while negative in my bank account. And on all that professional camera equipment when I decided to be a video editor, and on this website two years ago when I decided to be a blogger (Perhaps, now, I’ll finally make use of it?). And the hundreds of dollars I invested in gear when I was suddenly inspired to run a marathon (but I did follow through on that one, thank you very much!). Oh, right, I guess I do jump around from interest to interest when I’m feeling “inspired”. I’m going to be a motivational speaker, no, a novelist, no, a personal trainer, no, a corporate trainer, no, a filmmaker, no, an entrepreneur, no… the list goes on and on. But these things felt so good. Even though I had to clean up the wreckage whenever I smashed back down on the pavement. The rubble of estranged relationships, busted bank accounts, retired jobs. So yeah, I went with depression and anxiety, masking the symptoms of mania. And I refused medication (because all I really needed to do was get my shit together, not numb myself with zombie-making pills). Until the progression to rapid cycling imprisoned me and I sulked, defeated, back into therapy five weeks ago.

After years and years and years of heartbreak and rejection and confusion and self-loathing and denial and protest, I began taking a daily mood stabilizer and seeing my therapist once a week. It took a couple weeks before there was any discernable change, and after four weeks, the change in my behavior was nothing short of striking. At that point, I realized I hadn’t been swallowed by the black void in three full weeks – a record time in nearly a year. I hadn’t lashed out in rage at anyone either. And the most surprising thing? I wasn’t the living dead. I had heard these nightmare testimonies about people with Bipolar Disorder beginning medication and going numb, like they’d been lobotomized, and that panicked me. I didn’t want to stop feeling, I just wanted to experience my feelings in a regulatory fashion. And I was, for the first time in years. Now, I want to be very careful not to sound like the poster girl for medicating. My strong belief is that we over-medicate in this country (but that’s for another post). No miracle has occurred. I’m not “cured”. In fact, there is no known cure for Bipolar Disorder. It can be managed, with a combination of medication and psychotherapy. Some days are better than others. But every day, I still battle my demons and the life-long conditioning of patterns, emotional reactions, and behaviors. My recovery is a continuous journey where no arrival point exists. But I have hope today. I wake up motivated to get out of bed without needing the boost of mania. I carry out the responsibilities and routines of the day without fighting off panic or becoming despondent. I fall asleep without the “lulling” melody of my own death dancing around my thoughts. Yes, I still get anxious and angry and sad and overly eager. The difference is in the way I’ve responded to those feelings since starting treatment. My awareness of the condition and the symptoms that accompany it, along with my medication, has helped me acknowledge my feelings before acting on them.

I hope it’s not the honeymoon period. I hope it lasts.

It’s early yet.

But if this remarkable change is here to stay [with dedicated treatment], I can’t help but feel frustration with myself for not seeking help sooner. Just to think on all the chaos and anguish I could have spared myself and others… But I’m here now, and perhaps it’s exactly where I’m supposed to be – writing this blog so that you may read it and be inspired to act now. For yourself, or for someone you know, before it’s too late. Make no mistake, this disease does kill. The suicide rate for people with Bipolar Disorder is twenty times that of the general population, and nearly 30% will make a suicide attempt at least once in their lifetime.

Don’t pity me, and please don’t fear me. I’m not very different from you. I have a family, friends, a career, hopes and dreams and struggles and fears. For those of you that know me, I’m still Jen. Maybe I’m even a better Jen – my greater and more genuine self. As a society, we need to reframe the way we perceive and speak about mental illness. Help me promote a fair image for those individuals and families that are afflicted with it – so they won’t suffer in silence. So they get help.

My name is Jen Hogue, and I’m diagnosed Bipolar II. Today, I’m in treatment. I take my medication everyday and see my counselor every week. I have a sense of hope that I haven’t had in far too long. I still don’t know if I’ll be brave enough to publish this. But I hope I will. After all, it’s often in the greatest risks we take that we find our greatest triumphs, and our greatest gifts to one another.  

[fiatluxnyc]

Everyday Is Sunday”, Part II: Evolve or Perish.

Rachel Darden Bennett is the first of the small business owners and freelancers to be profiled in this series.

May 17th 2020:

Whenever possible, her routine is to start her day with lemon water followed by coffee and prayer, and at some point, meditation. Once the cycle is completed, she is fully engaged to take on the task of therapy. She has done this innumerable times to begin the course of her work…

…Ten years into her practice, Rachel Darden Bennett is a yoga instructor with a supremely enviable client list.

In it, are several Fortune 500 companies, several hedge funds, and some of the most prominent artistic institutions in New York City, consequently the world. Most notably her practice is incorporated at Richemont, also known as Compagnie Financière Richemont, the Swiss parent company for noted luxury brands such as Cartier, Chloé, Jaeger-LeCoultre, Montblanc, Panerai,Vacheron Constantin, and Van Cleef & Arpels. A cursory description of her overall relationship to her various clients would portray her as something as a yogi Wendy Rhoades (actress Maggie Siff’s character), the corporate psychotherapist-cum-career motivator from the television show Billions.

As well-ensconced as she seems to be in her market segment versus as well-capitalized as those who are willing to pay for her services are said to be, what could be described as a quiet sea change of commercial death would soon shudder Gotham down to its basest economic and social foundations.

Not even to the resulting tsunami is she impervious.

Evolve or perish?

New York City, 1999.

Perhaps limited to New York State there exists a regional oxymoron whence coming from upstate and going “downstate” (New York City) is seen as going “up” somehow. This was a long-held ambition of a teenage girl who arrived in Manhattan at nineteen. From time she was a little girl she wanted “to go up” to New York City. The impression of New York City in Breakfast at Tiffany’s laid indelibly in her reverie.

Her move landed her at Saint Mary’s residence, a temporary home for women operated by the Daughters of Divine Charity located on East 72nd street between Second and Third Avenues. Her dream is to be a ballerina and singer like so many young girls that came before her and so many more that arrived right up until the day the city was placed under its current regime. The New York City of 1999 is radically different from the one in 2020, the former was a place where alertness and alacrity in the streets were everyone’s countenance. Rachel, the small-town upstate girl now took to carrying mace simply to get her bagels. Soon, her personal life would receive a double-barrel of tragedy and anguish as she would lose both of her parents to illness shortly after her arrival…

March 14th, 2020.

…The girl from twenty-odd years past and the previous century is now grown. The contours of her adolescent face reached the clear angular definition of maturity, yet the strawberry blonde locks remain. The grown woman is now purposeful and there are objects being moved to and fro, lifted and deliberately placed from the status quo ante to a newer, more compact location. At this moment, her neighbors in the Upper West Side are assisting in the load-in of her possessions into her rental car. Broadway is bereft of traffic, all the streets are quiet, the city as mausoleum.

Rachel Darden Bennett is conflicted, this city was Home long before she arrived twenty years ago from upstate New York and now she is a city partisan. She is a sharer of the privations of the city, from its occasionally brutal nor’ easters to the blackout in 2003 and to the financial crisis of 2008 to the present era. She isn’t supposed to be making her exit from this stage, she is supposed to be suffering with the denizens of the city. Leaving the city is making her feel in some way, a traitor. She came to the city to share in its struggles and in its wonders, not cut and run at this sign of trouble.

By now she is almost finished with her packing. Bennett still wrestles with the guilt of leaving the city behind. However, her reasoning is sound: New York City has become a hot zone, the locus of the majority of the reported cases of COVID-19 in the United States and she has a boyfriend in South Jersey; therefore, her Hegira is necessary.

An associate posts a New York Times article that garnered widespread attention on his social media and upon reading it, she is gauging the true depth of the calamity that has befallen others and concedes it is impressive in its reach. A sort of mental filter is erected from within, a kind of protective cognitive dissonance under which she must labor under to keep from being overwhelmed with various datapoints about the coronavirus: some true, some false, some contradictory, with the occasional red herrings thrown in between.

In recalling her thoughts at approximately on that date, she recollects the shock of the city’s economy abrupt halt: Regarding the situation with her business, she offers testimony: “But then, when something like this happens — -out of the blue — your income…becomes ether,” says Bennett.

On March 11th, 2020, a corporate client cancelled a relationship with Ms. Bennett. The next evening, her eyes clear, she recognized the moment she was fitfully trying to make manifest on her own: the moment came for her to change tack and take her business in another direction. Upon the realization that the pivot was necessary, she announced to her clients: she was going to continue her practice and maintain the professional tethers via virtual classes.

An unexpected generational fissure formed between the Boomers and members of the other generations represented in her classes. The Boomers largely decided to quit while they were ahead and not follow Bennett headlong into the digital breach with her virtual classes and with them went a needed source of revenue. Bennett’s appeals to their reluctance was met with no success.

Passionately she states the hard reality of operating a business even in the best of times, “There’s no two weeks for [Me]…Nobody’s got your back but you. There’s no 401K, there’s no sick days…”. She also speaks of a scarcely noticed psychological cost of operating her business and of others: business owners need community otherwise they operate in a silo. Bennett has little idea how others in her field are faring due to a silo effect created by the urgency of the situation and the daily strain of having to be the chief executive for virtually every function of a business.

Discipline and Ingenuity Defeats Disaster

In relaying her experiences in the ballet schools, she evokes an image of a laconic yet powerful sisterhood training for difficult and subtly martial tasks in cloisters. Subsequently, this training imbued her with a surprisingly Spartan mindset and an appropriately stoic, almost Bene Gesserit mantra:

“Everything is a choice,”

Perhaps it is a recalcitrance forged by the iron discipline necessary to train as a ballerina, is why Bennett takes the position of defiance in the face of city-wide calamity. The purpose of the mantra is reflected in her saying, “you choose to be a victim”. She refuses to be that rounding error of coronavirus casualties.

Rachel added,“…the coronavirus is a contradiction…it’s horrific and it’s hurt my business, but in the exact same breath, it’s helped my business. Because for the longest time, I wanted to build an online platform because that is the way of the future.”

Recently, she taught a Zoom class for The Wharton Club of New York, a social club for alumni of the University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton Business School. It was attended by sixty people on her Patreon page and it has opened her up to an even broader audience in terms of geographic location. At times she is simultaneously teaching students in countries like Canada, England, and Los Angeles.

Contraindicative to the health of her business model she is a firm proponent of the tandem “social distancing” and “shelter-in-place” regimen; indeed the same protocols that rendered her business model virtually obsolete. This is likely another manifestation of a temperament now fully annealed to the social consciousness prevalent in large cities. Irrespective to how initially debilitating in concert they are to her business, she views both measures as part of a larger albeit painful responsibility. Bennett’s optimistic and defiant resolve is balanced by a pragmatism reinforced by the realities of operating a business. Ms.Bennett harbors no illusion of an end of “the new normal” and the idea of desiring a return to something approximating the world before March 13th 2020 as a sunk cost.

The yoga instructor also recognizes her advantages in the current climate. “I’m not impoverished,” she says with a tone of a muted defiance. She understands that many business owners in the city do not have her ability to temporarily relocate in the midst of a pandemic and still be able to run their businesses. For that, she is grateful.

When asked about her prognosis for the near-term success of her business, she says:

“People need yoga more than they ever did”.

Ms. Bennett can be reached at www.rachelbennettyoga.com or her Instagram @rachelbennettyoga

For “Everyday Is Sunday” Part I, click here.

We are Fiat Lux | NYC: A brand management/public relations firm from New York City. We provide brand management services such as social media management, creative direction, ideation, and event management to creatives and small businesses in the creative industries. To inquire about our offerings feel free to contact us at info@fiatlux.nyc.

[mxadrian779]

Just a gathering of elements (part one) in my chart info from CafeAstrology.

Sun in the 10th House:

The urge to work toward a goal, for success and accomplishment, and/or for power is part of your makeup. You are uncomfortable in any position in which you must “take orders” from someone else. Recognize your ambitions and your need for authority without going overboard. Seek out a career that allows you to manage, rather than be managed, if possible. It is crucial that you accept the part of you that is ambitious, but take pains not to over-identify with an image that is not really you!

Alternate Interpretation: You have a great capacity to lead others and to excel as a professional. You will put a lot of energy into your work and you will have a brilliant career. You will always be in the public eye and will enjoy great renown. If your work is in politics or any leadership position, you will be successful.

You will show a lot of pride, arrogance, and ambition in the material sense. You can not conceive of a fulfilling life that shows no improvement in your lot; your father figure influences you to elevate yourself. You will be able to transcend your initial social position to achieve status and recognition and you will feel very satisfied. In general, you are competitive and authoritative.

In the future, you will find an extraordinary partner with a good social position with whom to share your life. It will not be easy to please you and you will never resign yourself to settle for someone you do not consider worthy. — From the Adult Report.

Moon in the 11th House

This position of the Moon indicates an emotional need for a feeling of belonging with, and support from, friends and associations with groups. You look to acquaintances for support, and offer the same in return. A changeable or unstable social life might be a reflection of inner emotional unrest. Waxing and waning feelings for others can cause problems in your relationships. You are a person who is filled with many dreams, wishes, and hopes for your future, and most of these are altruistic and good-hearted desires. However, you might change your aspirations frequently, with your changing moods, and have a hard time settling on goals to work towards as a result.

*You get a lot of emotional fulfillment through your involvement in groups, clubs, organizations, community activities, or a network of close friends who support and care for you. You make friends your family, and feel a close kinship with people who share some ideals or beliefs that you hold dear. You need people outside of your physical family to relate to and belong to.

Mercury in the 10th House

You are good with language, and you generally use this talent in your profession. You can have an authoritative air about you, or you are talented at communicating and negotiating with those in authority. You might have more than one job going at once much of the time, you could change your career directions frequently, or you could be attracted to jobs that keep you on the move. You require frequent changes of setting or activities in order to remain stimulated and challenged. You are skilled at bringing fresh energy to your conversations or to your job, perhaps because you need the stimulation.

Venus in the 9th House

You are attracted to, or you tend to attract, people of different cultural backgrounds. You are attracted to a partner with a sense of adventure. You are not especially clingy, and you expect a certain amount of freedom in a partnership. You want to feel like you are growing as an individual, and you won’t be happy in a relationship that is restrictive or confining. In fact, you have a great love for the feeling of freedom or limitlessness. Your hips and thighs may be especially attractive! You appreciate a lover who is enthusiastic and not afraid to have a good time (with you!). You aspire to high ideals in love, but some of you might pursue sensations in love rather than true or deep feelings and attachment. Beware of a tendency for dissatisfaction with what you have, as the tendency to think that the “grass is greener” elsewhere can keep you from enjoying or developing what you have.

Mars in the 8th House

With Mars in the eighth house, shades of the sign Scorpio can be found in your desire nature. You may not experience true passion until later in life, but when you do, it is magical and infectious. You have some fears of betrayal and loss that compromise your trust from time to time. You can be extremely hard-working on projects that interest you, and you make a fabulous researcher, investigator, or psychologist. Passion projects are vital–they can get you out of bed in the morning!

Your intuition is powerful, although it can take some time, experience, and psychological work to overcome a vague sense/feeling of guilt, fear, or doom. Your survival instinct is powerful. There is a tendency to bury things or to keep many of your troubles to yourself. Learning to express your anger more directly can improve your health and well-being.

Sample from our LoveStyles report: You have very strong desires, and once you decide to possess something, you usually succeed in doing so. You may experience shortages of love and money to encourage you to be less possessive in these areas of your life. You have the ability to see through the false pretenses of others. On the level of karma, you can make up for past lives of greed and abuse by sharing your resources with others in need. There may be some sexual trauma in your early life that you struggle with as an adult.

Jupiter in the Third House

You are forward-looking–a real planner. You are endlessly curious and enjoy making happy connections with others. Sharing ideas with others is important to you–you take great pleasure in doing so. You are able to see the big picture and thus often are turned to for advice. You are sincerely interested in others, and you easily put people at ease in social situations.

Saturn in the Eighth House

Traditionally, the eighth house was recognized as the house of death. Saturn in the eighth in a natal chart would mean a horrible death. Modern day astrologers have moved away from that line of thinking. Today we think of the eighth house as a house of resurrections. The eighth house symbolizes transformations through growth and change. As an individual, you might need to re-invent yourself from time to time. The eighth house is opposite the second house, which symbolizes your attitude to possessions. In that sense the eighth house stands for your attitude to giving up relics of the past, so you can grow and change. Saturn in the eighth house can be a powerful influence. This influence will make you simply resist transformations, change, and growth. You will find it very difficult to accept changes in your life. Any change will be stressful for you, bringing in anxiety and worry. Be aware of this influence. Understand that change is something that you don’t react to well. Prepare for change. Take time to chart out a course or action plan whenever change is imminent. Read a book on managing change in your life or at work. Change, if managed well, can make your life richer and better.

Uranus in the Seventh House

Partners and people who you are in a one-on-one relationship with will complain about your erratic and inconstant ways. However, they will be charmed by your genuineness and simplicity. You may shy away from making a commitment and see relationships as a necessary evil. Your freedom loving ways make you hate feeling tied down. The whole idea of relationships may be slightly alien to your basic nature. In a partner you may search for a certain aloofness or love of personal freedom to feel secure. Your ideal partner enjoys his or her personal freedom as much as you do.

Neptune in the Seventh House

You are inclined to give more to a partnership (including marriage) than you take. There may be a tendency to wear rose-colored glasses when it comes to the selection of a partner, in an attempt to find a soulmate. The need for a strong psychic or intuitive link with a partner is so strong that your perceptions in partnership are not accurate. You need to take a step back, consciously attempting to see your partners and relationships for what they are, rather than what you wish them to be. You might be attracted to relationships in which you feel a partner needs to be saved somehow, or in which a partner saves you. However, you might end up with people who only serve to confuse you, who are noncommittal or unavailable, or who are overly dependent. You tend to idealize a partner, assigning them traits that you want them to have, or even seeing them as worse than they are because of your inflated and dramatic expectations. You need to develop discipline and discrimination when it comes to setting limits, selecting partners, and keeping communication clear in a relationship. In some cases, people with this position give up their power to partners and become dependent upon them. You are likely a creative negotiator and you can be especially accommodating with others. Positively, you are very talented at bringing out the good in another person, particularly a partner, if that person is appreciative of your efforts and is willing to grow.

Pluto in 5th House

You possess powerful creative impulses, and you might invest much energy and passion into the creative arts, romance, or child-rearing. You take much pride in, and invest much of your ego into, whatever it is you produce. Romance for you needs to be intense, passionate, and deeply intimate–nothing superficial or light attracts. You have an “all or nothing” attitude in love. If you are not “owning” this attitude, then you may be meeting Pluto energies through your lovers, and thus attracting intense, controlling, or passionate romantic partners. A deep-seated fear of loss or betrayal can be behind any jealous, obsessive, or controlling behavior in fifth house areas, including romantic involvements, child-rearing, and creative endeavors. Your attitude towards play, entertainment, and recreation is also intense–rarely lighthearted. While you may yearn to throw your soul into your creative endeavors, fear might prevent you from doing so completely.

[colleydogstar]

A Ranger’s Tale - 11 - Silberschmidt vs. Pritchard

Rhodie’s adventure continues, with a battle between Meister and Magi....

A long moment of the air hanging still. Silence in the dining room. The maids swiftly shuffle out to avoid conflict, not a one in a mindset able to handle confrontation. One by one those in the dining hall make it a point to leave. Donnel and Salicia in steady silences. Ember parts with a look down at Rhodie. "I understand where you're coming from. But you got a lot to learn," the lioness tells her in a quiet thrum of a voice before she is gone.

Just Rhodie and Pritchard in the cavernous dining hall. Pritchard stands stiff and straight. His head held at a slight angle regarding Rhodie. "I've never lost to Kennig," he tells her, voice steady in the practiced refinement of a professional. "I will not today." He walks past Rhodie, his hand stiff at his side, where he wears his sword. "If you wish for it, then consider yourself welcome. If you don't, then I apologize for the horrors of life I am forcing upon you." And then Rhodie stands alone.

Rhodie stands there, watching everyone go, feeling her ears and tail droop as everything that just happened comes weighing down on her. She sits back down in one of the chairs, and starts rubbing her face in her hands. Alone with her thoughts, never really a good thing during down times for her. "Are you happy?" She says loudly and in frustration, but to no one in particular. She looks up, "Cause I'm pretty sure this wasn't why I got brought here. I just... I don't know how you work, world, but could it have hurt to ask before dragging me here?" She knows no one is going to respond, but sometimes you gotta talk out loud to put things in your mind in place. "....Not like my life was going any better back home. 12-16 hour days, no social life... cripes, I was just scraping by... I might've said YES! Just....ugh, what am I doing?"

"Ma'am?" a small human maid with silvery blue hair peeps. "I believe Meister Silberschmidt would like a word with you, should you find the time. I believe you will find him in his office." She holds her head down, hands crossed in front of her.

"Yeaaah, figured," Rhodie says as she gets up. She rubs her face before slapping it a few times with her palms and shaking her head. "Right." She leaves from the dining hall heading toward where she remembers the office being. She pauses outside the door, actually feeling her nerves start to work up. Taking a breath, she pushes open the door, with a cringe, pretty much expecting that spear from last night being thrown right at her the moment she steps inside. "That was a dick move on my part, accusing like that, and I was out of line."

Silberschmidt is within his study. He's stripped to the waist and striking the end of his spear with a whetstone. Despite his money and staff, he is taking care of his own weapons. He doesn't look up when Rhodie enters the room, focused on the leaf shaped tip of his heavy spear. He holds it up to his face, nostrils flaring as he exhales. He stands and the degree of effort the Lord of Estorly puts into his health is painfully clear. He may be nearing middle-age, but the man's body is Olympian. He has wealth, good food, and ample time to learn and train and perfect himself. And he seems to take advantage of it all. Despite his penchant to drink, which is made clear by the open bottle on his desk. When he deigns to speak to Rhodie, it's in a simple, rough, low voice. "You are ignorant. I don't care for apologies from my lessers. If you wish to learn, enter and be taught. If you only want me to assuage your guilt, I will do no such thing. For you have nothing to be guilty of."

Spear's out, but not at her face. OK, so, good there at least. And holy cow, Donnel said the dude was a big buck, and she did kind of have that impression, but she did not expect that sort of build. She enters, feeling a bit confused, but still nervous. "Uh.. yeah, you know what, I am going to agree on the ignorant part.  Something like that back there, with a situation like this, probably would have gotten me punched in the face, if not worse, back home. So also a bit, scratch that, quite a bit confused."

"Fear. A better motivator than guilt. It's within my legal right to kill you, or worse. It's within my ability to kill you, or worse," Silberschmidt says, holding the spear by the blunt end, out at arm's length, fully extended, and steady as a rock. "I want you to tell me, if that's what would have happened on your world. Why did it not happen here?"

Rhodie is silent, definitely feeling that fight or flight side of her starting to rev up. She takes a breath and shakes her head, "Less prone to immediate violence, perhaps. A better understanding of different ways, given that you have multiple species together as a dominant life instead of just one that can't even move past skin colors. But. specifically to you... Instead of being the wanna-be power monger most leaders back home are that I assumed would follow through here, you're instead someone with a better understanding that if someone is dead, they can't learn, or improve."

"You flatter me." Silberschmidt laughs like a sigh. He yanks the spear haft back toward the tip and grabs it in hand. Thrust, pull, thrust, pull. He tests the weight and feel of the weapon. "However, consider this; you have allies in the Order. The ones I pay and rely on to patrol my grounds. Perhaps more importantly, you share a kinship with another errantblood far more capable and necessary to my plans. I cannot jeopardize my overarching goals by sidetracking to hire new gamesmasters, or find another combatant of Ember's caliber on short notice. There are practical reasons to treat you with greater care." He turns to face Rhodie now, pausing to grab the drink and pull straight from the bottle. "The reality is, should he wish it, the magi himself could end me in a blink."

That catches her off guard. "I know Pritchard's good with magic, but... really? THAT powerful?" She takes time to soak that in, "Christ, and I just pissed him and the others off. My allies are not really happy with me right now, and I honestly can't blame them.' She waves her hands, trying to get herself back on topic. "Look, I already have the death of one person on my hands, and despite us bumping heads constantly, and you being incredibly intimidating, you getting harmed or killed has never been my intention." She crosses her arms in front of her chest, starts to at least, before adjusting for her breasts and moving them down. "So... where do we go from here?"

"I cannot speak for you, nor should I," Silberschmidt maintains. "I am going to spar with Magus Pritchard Geistmacher. I suspect I will lose, however, in losing I will understand where my failings lay when confronting those with the gift for magic." He rests the spear on his shoulder. As for you. I can't tell you what or where you should go, because I am not one of you." Silberschmidt puts the bottle down and rests his weight on his spear, using it though it were a walking staff. "Whatever you do, I can suggest this, do it fully and go as far as you may go. There are those who will tell you that ambition is a crime. It is not. But I will state that you must always be aware that you are not what you are not and there is no point in trying to be. I will never be an errantblood. You will never be nobility. You may earn title, you may earn peerage and respect, but you will never be a noble from birth. You will never have grown under the same experience that molds my kind. You will never quite think or feel in the same way as I or my peers do. And that goes for your friends. Pritchard is a magus, he has gifts you do not. You have gifts he does not. You will never experience the same world, never expect that you will." The weight of the spear, or perhaps what he is saying, is carried as Silberschmidt lifts the spear to his shoulder. "I have met brilliant people, capable people, from all walks of life. Everytime I find a commoner with the spark of genius that tells me they wish to be nobility, I shudder for the world. Why should you wish what you are not? If aristocracy stands in your way, tear them down on your way up. Do not demean yourself by tossing your identity aside."

Rhodie remains silent, thinking on the words. "Identity... used to be something I could easily point to and say, 'that's me.' Little bit more complicated now." She looks at her hands, at the fur, turning them over to look at the pads on her palms. "I never had a desire for power or nobility, maybe that's why I wound up the way I did." She says, not really looking for an answer. She looks at the door, then back at Silberschmidt. "Right now, my path lies with them, if they will still have me. That means you and I are probably going to be crossing paths fairly often in the future." She thinks, "Would it be..." She thinks for the words, "beyond my position... to ask for your advice in the future? You have a viewpoint I don't think I will get from the others, and there may be times I need someone else's knowledge to better understand. In turn, maybe I can give some insight or observations that only someone from my world would be able to see here, the things others may be too acclimated to notice."

"You're an errantblood," Silberschmidt says, looking back from the doorway. "Your birthright is change. As mine is to lead those in my charge to safety, comfort and power by any means. And theirs is to live to my standards for them." He turns away from Rhodie and adds. "My study is open to you should I be there. As with the others, the next you set foot in here, you will not feel the durance." "Now then, will you come see what Geistmacher is capable of?"

Rhodie gives a polite bow of respect and gratitude. "Thank you, Meister Silberschmidt. For your council... and extreme patience." She walks over toward the door, "Lets."

The gymnasium is large enough to fit the competitors, the four person audience and a pair of maids to get whatever anyone needs. And it does so with ample room to spare. Silberschmidt stands across from Pritchard. Silberschmidt stripped of all but loose trousers and a waist sash. Pritchard is dressed in the clothes he had on at breakfast. Only now he has added his thin bladed sword and the pouch containing the piece of silver etched deer antler. "The contest is to submission," Silberschmidt informs. "The victor shall be the determinant of the trespasser's fate. The contest will be by any means and with weapons of each other's choosing. I have brought my familial spear. In addition, I will inform you of this." He reaches into the sash and draws out what is unmistakably a pistol. It would be an antique by Rhodie's standards, but it looks dangerously new in Silberschmidt's hand. "A single shot Galsian dueling pistol." Pritchard listens and nods. "I agree to terms and to gains. I carry a dressing sword, spellcasting knowledge of my Lodge and beyond, and a piece of antler from Kennig Silberschmidt," he states. "We begin when you shall." The two face each other down. Stillness hangs in the air. Silberschmidt's imperious nobility facing down the frosty experience within Pritchard.

Rhodie gives a small, slightly sheepish wave to the others as she joins them in the gym. "We had a chat. We're.. good. Yeah." She takes a spot near them. She'll probably seem more at ease than earlier to the others, until she sees the pistol. Eyes widen as she stares at it, "Oh... guns do exist here..." The pace of her breathing begins to pick up, but she remembers what was said earlier, and tries to calm herself. "He's got this..... he's got this...." She says softly.

Silberschmidt levels the pistol at Pritchard. His body tense and coiled. A single arm held out, aiming straight for Pritchard's chest. Pritchard's mouth moves slightly, but he is otherwise at rest with his hand on the hilt of his blade. The gun thunders in the gymnasium. The air grows arctic cold. A solid wall of ice nearly a foot thick stands between Silberschmidt and Pritchard as the powder smoke clears. A lead ball sits suspended in the center.

Pritchard draws his sword. He speaks loud enough, steadily enough to rise above the ringing. "Shall we begin?"

"NO!" Rhodie shouts as the shot rings out, then backs up, hands over her mouth as she stares at the ice wall. She steps back, visibly shaking, and slowly sits down, breath rapid.  Her hands move up over her face, trying to cover her eyes as they start to water. There's a laugh, but it is more of anxiety than anything else, as she tries to look back at the fight.

Silberschmidt tears around the side of the wall opposite the crowd. Quick thrusts of his spear. Heavy weight and steady aggression behind each pointed stab push Pritchard onto the backs of his heel as he takes step by step away from the onslaught of spear point. Every moment his free hand forms a gesture, or his mouth moves, another thrust of the spear forces the mage to think defensively. And though Pritchard is smaller, the shear power of Silberschmidt's body makes the bigger man the faster on in the short bursts of combat. Donnel's hand weighs down on Rhodie's shoulder. It squeezes her and the older demi gives her a knowing smile.

Her hand moves up to his and grips as she looks up at him. Rhodie looks ready to say something, but bites her lip and looks back at Pritchard and Silberschmidt.

The air is cold. The combatants breath begins to puff in clouds around them. More and more does Silberschmidt pressure as Pritchard make his way back and back and back. Twisting at the wall, Pritchard ducks and deftly angles Silberschmidt's spear into the wall. He raises his blade to Silberschmidt's back. The larger Silberschmidt twists, his long arm stretches past Pritchard's blade. Silberschmidt's hand clamps on Pritchard's wrist. Then noble meets magi head to head with a crack. Pritchard lurches back, but Silberschmidt pulls him back in, ramming his forehead against Pritchard's face once again. And again.

Rhodie watches, wide eyed, each hit making her grip on Donnel's hand that much tighter. She wants to run in and help, but that would just make this situation worse. She closes her eyes, looking away.

Silberschmidt turns to the kneeling Pritchard. He wraps his wide hand over Pritchard's face and with a jerk, lifts the man by face and lapel. He smiles, pleased, a look over the noble that he has never not once bested the magi. This, to him, is something anew. He seems happy. And then his eyes widen, his body trembles, and he drops Pritchard to the floor. Silberschmidt leans forward, clutching and scrabbling at his chest. He chokes out a cry and falls to his knees. He shudders and spits out a cragged, "No more!" And then he falls forward. Pritchard stands up, his face already bruising from the battering. In his hand is the piece of Silberschmidt's own antler. The magi whispers soft words through the rivulets of blood running from his nose.

Rhodie looks back when she hears Silberschmidt. "..Did he... but with..." She looks closer, seeing the antler, taking in a breath of realization.

Pritchard stops speaking. He slips the antler into the little pouch on his belt. "There was no deceit. I said I brought power beyond the teachings of my lodge," he states, and steps over the shallowly breathing body of Kennig Silberschmidt. He looks at Rhodie and frowns, then toward Donnel. "Sergeant. I'm going to avail myself of the Meister's bath while he recovers. I wish to not be disturbed by any members of the Order." He looks toward Rhodie as he speaks more. "I understand you have little power over the actions of non members."

Rhodie rubs at her eyes, yeah the waterworks are still coming, snot nosed breathing at that. She looks up at Donnel, with a look to ask if its ok to go running after him.

Pritchard disappears into the baths. And Donnel just looks at Rhodie before stating. "Salicia, you heard the man. We should go over the provisions anyways." The two members of the Order of Antler and Thorn depart without a further word one what they've just witnessed.

"Thank you..." She says softly, before taking off after Pritchard as fast as those Errantblood legs will take her.

The great baths within Meister Silberschmidt's gymnasium are already full of steam. Pritchard is there, his coat and cloak hanging along with his blade and the antler. His back is to Rhodie. "I can hear your claws on the tiles," he says, head lifting as he stops his undressing.

Rhodie is really trying to keep it together, but the chances of that went out the window the moment that pistol was fired. "...Pritchard... that....that gun could have killed you... I..." She runs a hand over her shaking muzzle. "And the last thing I would have said to you.. I... I just..." She tries to take a breath. "You're not. forcing horrors on me."

Pritchard looks back at Rhodie now. "The dueling pistol?" he asks. "An opening feint the moment he revealed it. Had he wanted to kill me, he would've kept it toward the end." His hand goes to his nose. "Though I forget how quickly he can move for his size." A hiss when he touches the bloodied area. "Are you crying?" he asks, frowning and moving toward Rhodie. "Please. I'm all right. My nose is a little beaten, and I'll carry some bruises until we get to Mikkelsbrugh, but I'm in far better shape than Kennig." He pauses and looks away from Rhodie now. "I'm sorry you had to see that. It's a knowledge of mine I'd hoped you never had to see."

"I am an utter hot mess right now, yes," she says with a sniffling laugh. She looks ready to say something more, til he turns away. "Pritchard.. No, don't..." Rhodie starts to move toward him, hesitates, but then gets her resolve and moves forward, putting her arms around him, trying to be gentle about it even in its suddenness.

"Thank you, for doing that for me."

Pritchard's arms go up in surprise. His mouth works to say something, but he settles in returning the hold. "You're more than welcome, Rhodie. More than welcome."

[psychotherapyconsultants]

7 Women Who Inspire Me

Proverbs 13:20 says, “Walk with the wise and become wise; associate with fools and get in trouble.” In other words, hang with the winners. A few months ago, my therapist gave me the assignment to think about the wise women in my life, warriors who had persevered through difficulties in their lives to emerge as stronger figures, examples of resilience who could serve as my teachers. I went even further and interviewed each one, asking them about the force or philosophy behind their strength.

The following women have survived illness, divorce, deaths, lay-offs, but pressed on with a tenacity that inspires me. They are world travelers, executives, communication professionals, caregivers, and master healers who have made the world a better place.

1. Rose Pike

Angel Rose holds a special place in my heart because she has showered me with kindness at difficult crossroads in my life. She was my editor at a health website three years ago when I experienced a severe depressive episode. Instead of berating me for my slower writing pace at that time, she sent me flowers and cut my workload in half. Kindness is synonymous with Rose. Her imprint of compassion is evident in every feature she publishes for the different websites she has worked for. As a writer, I am inspired by her unwavering dedication to disseminate stories of hope for persons faced with chronic conditions.

An adventurous spirit, Rose told me one of her biggest obstacles was breaking free from the routine and comfortable life of her family life growing up. Although difficult, she moved away from her hometown in order to find a new life of her own. “That distance helped me become my own person,” she said. The support of her daughter and daughter-in-law and her friends helps sustain her today.

Her advice to young women is to persist and to not resist change because things are always changing. To that end, her favorite quote is the chorus of Bob Dylan’s song, “Things Have Changed,” which says, “People are crazy and times are strange, I’m locked in tight, I’m out of range, I used to care, but things have changed.”

2. Carolyn Casey

Carolyn was seven when her mother committed suicide. Her father abandoned his children and left town. The bottom fell out of her world. She and her 2-year-old sister and 4-year-old brother lived with their grandparents, and Carolyn became the caretaker for her younger siblings.

Some years later, her father married a woman who despised Carolyn and was abusive to her. Her stepmother would lock herself in her room reading and separated herself from her children, which numbered seven at that time. Carolyn turned to a higher power and prayed for strength and courage. In her darkest moments, she knew from deep within herself that there was something greater than herself.

At age 40, Carolyn found herself divorced with three children. She now understood the pain her mother felt and why she wanted to end her life. She turned the struggles of her past into strength and courage, and a desire to help lift up others from their suffering and facilitate healing.  She could have given up and become an embittered person, but through the grace of a higher power she continues her journey in gratitude and knows for certain that there is something greater than ourselves that loves us even when we don’t. A feisty, single woman who devotes her time to causes, her children, grandchildren, and friends, she inspires me with her tireless energy toward service to others. Carolyn’s favorite quote is Soren Kierkegaard’s observation: “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”

3. Eileen Bailey

I consider Eileen the female Job; however, she never whined to God. She simply took the next step to make her life better. Eileen endured the most difficult loss when she lost her son two years ago. Proactive in her grief and with everything in her life, she turned her pain into love and created scrapbooks of her son’s life for her grandson and formed a tighter bond with him.

I asked her how she was able to persevere through such a tragedy and keep a positive attitude. “Just do it,” she said, “like the Nike ad. Break your day down and do the thing in front of you.” She stays busy as a regular contributor to HealthCentral in addition to a day job.

Laughter and friends also keep her sane. After her second divorce, when her daughter moved away to school, she found herself lonely. She looked up a group on Meetup for women over 50, but they didn’t have many activities, so she created her own group. They met for breakfast six years ago and are still friends today.

Eileen’s favorite quotes are:

“We never truly get over a loss, but we can move forward and evolve from it.” – Elizabeth Berrien

“The journey never ends…”

“If you want to have a friend, you first need to be a friend,” one that her mother told her often and what drove her to create the Meetup group.

4. Lisa Hillman

Lisa never meant to become a poster child for parents coping with a child’s drug problem. She was an accomplished health care administrator, a fundraising executive married to former Annapolis Mayor Richard Hillman, and a mother of two.

Few people knew about the nightmare that was unfolding at home starting with a phone call from her son’s high school teacher the start of his senior year, alerting her to his possible marijuana use. Jacob’s addiction unraveled from there, resulting in a dependence on opiates that threw his life into reverse. Jacob’s story has a happy ending. He eventually got sober and stayed sober after visiting a few inpatient treatment centers.

Lisa chronicles the journey to hell and back in a riveting, poignant book called Secret No More: A True Story of Hope for Parents With an Addicted Child. But even more inspiring than her pages is the woman who wrote it. Her life, as well as her words, speak of the journey of shedding shame and guilt to make room for a bolder kind of love. In her blog, she shares powerful anecdotes on how to lower expectations, walk through fear, ask for support, let go of control, and hang on to hope. Whenever I experience bouts of insecurity about sharing my story, I call up Lisa for a much-needed reminder to be authentic.

Lisa has several favorite quotes:

“Take care of the little things and the big things will take care of themselves.” – from her father

“You are stronger than you know.” – from her mother

“One day at a time.”

“You can glance back at your past, just don’t stare.”

“We are here on earth to serve others. What the others are here for, I don’t know.” – W.H. Auden

5. Jen Brining

Jen is the lay Mother Teresa, traveling the world and giving back in her unique way. She divides her time between her son’s house in New Jersey, helping with her new granddaughter, and leading Habitat for Humanity group trips in Asia, Africa, and Central America. These “volunteer vacations” entail more than erecting physical infrastructures, they build community. For Jen, there is nothing like the rewarding, emotional feeling she has every time she leaves a build.

“Although the initial intent is to help families by building a house, latrine, or a stove,” she explained to me, “we are immersed in their community, in their homes … in their lives. There is a unique bonding of friendships between fellow volunteers, the deserving homeowner, the local community, and international cultures.”

Jen’s hardest obstacle was losing a child, one of two twins at birth. She overcame it by being the best mother she could possibly be to her amazing two children. Her advice to young women? “Be yourself, follow your dreams, but take the opportunity to travel internationally as soon as you can. It will change your outlook on life.” Her favorite quote is “Not All Who Wander Are Lost,” often attributed to J.R.R. Tolkien.

6. Michelle Rapkin

Even as Michelle’s professional life blossomed early with several executive positions within the publishing field, her love life took a little longer. In her mid 40s, Michelle met and married the love of her life, Bob, and lived 10 years of happy ever after until he died from complications from gall bladder surgery. She took the tragedy in stride because she was well-trained in the school of hard knocks.

Just two years after marrying Bob, Michelle was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, which she eventually beat, achieving remission. One of Michelle’s best gems concerns the 14 days between her blood tests and a diagnosis. “Don’t waste 14 days,” became her motto, not just about that time of uncertainty but about life with cancer and anxiety and loss. She made a very deliberate intention to live life to the fullest.

Today Michelle’s cancer has returned, and she is in the midst of different treatments. Once again, she concentrates her efforts on moving forward and does not waste any time in regret. Michelle’s favorite quote is “This, too, shall pass.”

7. Mary Beth Beaudry

Strong women make remarkable mothers. Mary Beth’s absolute devotion to her two daughters immediately impressed me as well as her ambition to live a life well lived with a strong moral compass, characterized by integrity, respect, and service and love toward others. While her marriage of 20 years was collapsing to take better care of herself so that she could, in turn, take better care of her daughters, she was proactive in four ways: she relied upon her faith, embraced Transcendental Meditation, focused on her work as Research Nurse Manager and Program Administrator for the Mood Disorders Center at Johns Hopkins, and pursued her own growth gaining admittance to a top doctoral program. Her ambition is to be the greatest mother and role model for her daughters that she can be. 

Mary Beth is a personal cheerleader to countless persons, including me, who battle mood disorders. She was the first one to send me an encouraging note after I published a very raw post about my suicidal ideations. Her compassion and optimism, combined with her skills as a communicator, spread hope to those who desperately need it and inspire those burdened by different conditions to take the next step toward wellness. Mary Beth shared she adopted Kesha’s “Praying” as her personal anthem during the most challenging time in her life: “I’m proud of who I am…. I can breathe again…. and now the best is yet to come.”

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/7-women-who-inspire-me/

[mtwy]

The Face

UK February 1985

The girl can’t help it. She wanted to dance, sing, anything, as long as the spotlight was on. Madonna grew up with a bad case of ambition, and very little shame. It’s too late to stop now. The self-styled Boy Toy is a star. She might even make a good actress........

The Glamourous Life

By Jeffrey Ferry

“MANIPULATING PEOPLE, THAT’S what I’m good at” Madonna says it matter-of-factly. and smiles. Her upper lip stretches taut across her wide mouth, her teeth flash, and she laughs. The laugh says she’s making a joke, and you’re not meant to believe it. But the eyes tell you to believe. The wide round eyes, staring innocently but urgently at you implore you to believe her. She is serious. She’s a serious girl. Madonna wants desperately to be a star. A big star. Having a Number One single and a Number Two LP in the US, as she did in December, is nowhere near enough. She got in trouble for saying on American TV that her ultimate goal was to rule the world. She says to me instead that it is to stand next to God. and laughs. But I believe her. There is something special about her. It has little to do with her singing, which is indifferent, nor her dancing, which is merely proficient, nor her fashion sense, which we can summarise best perhaps by saying she is a fast learner. It has something to do with the beauty and sexuality she radiates, but even more, it is the effect of her extraordinary personality. Madonna is a strange, uniquely American creation: on the outside she is all ambition and determination, raw will to succeed. But on the inside, like a grain at the centre of a pearl, is a strange and unexpected fragility. The tension between these two makes Madonna a fascinating, even irresistible character; one who, it is all too easy to believe, is destined for the success she craves.

Possibly she will do it as a pop star, you feel, but perhaps more likely, as an actress. And there are some people in New York who are saying she will be the next Marilyn Monroe …

“Madonna is a child-woman,” says Maripol, her French-born clothes designer. She is fun and joyful, but she is also a femme fatale. She is vulnerable – but then she’s not that vulnerable. She’s not tough exactly – but she’ll survive through anything. She’s a natural star. She is born to stardom.

WHAT SHE WAS BORN to, in fact, was a large lower-middle-class Italian-American family in industrial Detroit, Michigan. The Ciccones might have been a very happy family, if Madonna’s mother hadn’t died early on of cancer, tragically misdiagnosed by the doctors. Young Madonna was only seven at the time and her world was shattered. Her father couldn’t cope with taking care of six children and holding down his engineering job, working on defence systems for the Chrysler Corporation, so the children were sent off to live with various relatives. After several months of shuttling from relative to relative, Madonna’s father hired a housekeeper and all the children were able to return home. But for Madonna there was no going back to the stability of earlier days. Her father went through a succession of housekeepers, none of whom Madonna remembers liking. He eventually married one of them, when Madonna was ten.

“My father’s marriage was a surprise to us because we all thought he was going to marry someone else who looked very much like our mother, and we were rooting for her. She looked sorta like Natalie Wood, or that’s what I thought she looked like when I was a child. But then suddenly he didn’t marry her … I wasn’t that fond of my stepmother. She was really gung-ho, very strict, a real disciplinarian.” Without getting excessively Freudian about it, it seems fair to say that Madonna’s childhood experiences have a lot to do with the fragility and insecurity which Madonna exudes. But at the same time, she was a fighter, and the struggle to win the love she sought from her father, in competition with her stepmother and the seven other children in the house, turned the little girl into a very precocious young woman: “From when I was very young, I just knew that being a girl and being charming in a feminine sort of way could get me a lot of things, and I milked it for everything I could.”

The strict discipline of her Catholic school education reinforced Madonna’s feelings of being lonely and unloved – she describes Catholicism as dark, painful and guilt-ridden – and responded by becoming an even more flamboyant attention-getter.

“I wanted to do everything everybody told me I couldn’t do. I had to wear a uniform to school, I couldn’t wear make-up, I couldn’t wear nylon stockings, I couldn’t cut my hair, I couldn’t go on dates. I couldn’t even go to the movies with my friends. So when I’d go to school I’d roll up my uniform skirt so it was short, I’d go to the school bathroom and put make-up on and change into nylon stockings I’d brought. I was incredibly flirtatious and I’d do anything to rebel against my father.”

Her craving for attention led her into performing. At school, she was a cheerleader and a baton-twirler, but soon became more ambitious:

“Every chance to make up a little song and dance routine, I took advantage of it, and I always got standing ovations. Finally I decided to devote myself professionally to it. I started taking ballet classes with a really strict ballet teacher – he was very Catholic and disciplined. He’s the one who really inspired me. He kept saying ‘you’re different’ and ‘you’re beautiful’. He never said I’d make a great dancer, he just said you’re very special.” Dance and performing provided the outlet for her energies that she was seeking, and filled the voids she felt. “I never had a group of friends in school. I kept to myself and did what I wanted to do. But it bothered me. I think I was lonely in lots of ways. And when I latched onto the dance thing, I was with older and more sophisticated people. I felt really superior. I just felt that all this suffering that I felt for not fitting in is worth it – I don’t fit in because I don’t belong here, I thought. I belong in some special world”

MADONNA TALKS ABOUT THE development of her extrovert, showbiz ‘sex-kitten’ persona with an almost clinical dettachment. It is as if she too is amazed that such a lonely little girl could grow such a rock hard outer layer of ambition. But grow it she did, and by her late teenage years, the determination to be a star utterly eclipsed everything else in her life.

I asked Madonna if, as a Catholic, she found it difficult deciding to lose her virginity.

“Oh no. I thought of it as a career move.”

Laughter – and again those wide eyes which refuse to let you take it as just another joke. 

At 17 Madonna set off in search of her special world – she went to New York. “It was the first plane ride of my life. I didn’t know anyone. I didn’t have a place to stay, and I only had $35 in my pocket.”

Times were rough at first. She moved around constantly, was often broke, and didn’t really enjoy the dance schools she enrolled in. But she graduated to the world of rock’n’roll, sensing that it held out the best possibilities for stardom.

The story of her rise to fame has such a methodical inevitability, you’d think it was written in Hollywood. Indeed, Madonna’s story would have made a far better film than the actual Flashdance. In New York she met a boy named Dan, who persuaded her to join his rock band and move in with him. He taught her to play guitar and write music. Then a boy named Steve, an old boyfriend from Detroit, whom she bumped into by chance in New York, inspired her to take her music in a disco direction, and to make some demo tapes. Her next boyfriend introduced her to New York’s thriving new wave nightclub scene. Madonna developed an interest in trendy fashion and became one of New York’s night people. She went to the trendy discos nearly every night, and told everybody she met that she wanted to be – was going to be – a big star.

It was in the NY clubs that she developed her own dress style, one which is still with her. Picture it as a wrestling match between knitwear and lingerie, with major damage sustained on both sides. She makes up for the skimpiness of her garments with a stunningly excessive collection of jewellery, mostly in metal and rubber, much of it with a strong Catholic motif (crucifixes and rosaries in places which would give nuns apoplexy). The jewellery – from Maripolitan on Bleecker St. – is much the best bit, and you don’t need to have the body of Madonna to wear it. Mark Kamins. DJ at Danceteria, met her in those days: Madonna was special – young and a little bit naive. She had her own style -always with the little bellybutton showing, the net top, and the stockings. But she always knew what she wanted to do. She had a tremendous desire to perform for people. When she’d start dancing, there’d be twenty people getting up and dancing with her.

It was Mark Kamins – yes, he was a boyfriend too – who gave her her first big break. She persuaded him to play her demo cassette at Danceteria one Saturday night. The song was Everybody. Mark loved it and so did the club regulars. He took it round to the record companies. Sire immediately signed her to make three 12-inch dance-orientated singles. Once again it was as much her personality as her music ability that got her the record deal. Seymour Stein, the president of Sire Records, is one of the shrewdest and most discerning figures in the New York music business. Not known as a sucker for pretty young girls, he nevertheless was struck by Madonna’s specialness.

“I was in hospital when I heard about Madonna. From what I’d heard I wanted to meet her immediately. So Mark Kamins brought her in and I signed the contract there, right in the hospital. You know, you normally don’t care what you look like when you’re in hospital. But I shaved, I combed my hair. I got a new dressing gown. From what I’d heard, I was excited to meet Madonna. And there was something that set her apart immediately. She was outgoing, strong, dynamic …”

Self-confident? “Oh no, I’d say … self-assured.”

THE FIRST TWO SINGLES, Everybody and Burning Up, were big disco hits, but, with very low-key promotion, made only a slight impact in the pop charts. At this stage, many of Madonna’s disco fans actually believed she was black. Her success in the discos convinced Sire, and their parent company Warner Brothers, to release an LP with the third single and to wheel out the big promotional guns, which are vital for breaking into the pop charts in America,

The single, Holiday, went Top 20 and became a summer anthem in America. It is perhaps the quintessential Madonna song – a catchy tune and a disco beat wrapped in a crisp New York production, elegantly straddling all the racial and stylistic boundaries that compartmentalise the American charts.

And that was without a video. The next single, Borderline, was promoted with a very neat little video. Madonna plays a leather-clad street girl frolicking around Manhattan’s Lower West Side with cars, spray paint, and, of course, boys. When American youth got their eyes on her – those clothes! those lips! those crucifixes! that bellybutton!! – there was no stopping it. She had made the Big Time.

NOW WITH WHAT SHE CALLS the Warners’ star machine solidly behind her, there can be little doubt that the best is yet to come. The latest single, Like A Virgin, reached Number One in the US with the help of a video in which Madonna goes to Venice to cavort with gondolas, lions, and – no prizes for guessing -boys. Its cost is believed to have run into six figures. The second LP, also called Like a Virgin, is produced by Nile Rogers, ex-Chic, after his work with David Bowie, once again the hottest producer in New York.

Her music is developing, refining the early disco dolly style into a purer pop, but also straying into other areas of black-influenced music. There are some refreshing echoes of Motown on the new LP – as well as an unfortunate sacrilege to the memory of the old Rose Royce song Love Don’t Live Here Anymore.

But however much the music may be developing, Madonna’s image seems fixed immovably in the role of the sex kitten. Her album jacket photos and her lyrics all seem to suggest that her highest aspiration is the one she wears on her famous belt: BOY TOY.

Within the world of pop, what does Madonna stand for, besides the pleasures of BoyToy-hood? Madonna unfortunately seems to have no answer to this question. Not only has she not thought much about her own image, it seems as if she hasn’t thought much about pop music at all. It is as if the ambition and the success are all that concern her: the route taken to achieve them seems barely worth a second glance. Let’s ask her.

Madonna, what videos do you like?

“Oh. I don’t know. John, what videos do I like? You know … . (John – current boyfriend John “Jellybean” Benitez – shrugs.)

What music do you like?

“Oh, I like Bronski Beat . . . John, what else do I like?” (John shrugs.)

“I like music that has soul. I like good music.”

What actresses do you like?

“Marilyn Monroe, Carole Lombard.”

Great. What current ones?

“Oh, Jessica Lange, Susan Sarandon – but John likes them more than me.” All of your songs seem to be about boys … “‘Over And Over’ isn’t.” What’s that about? “Ambition.” Well, what else would you like to write about? “Long pause . . . My childhood. I’d write about growing up and feeling lonely. How you never find the love you need at home.” Are you a Boy Toy? “That’s a joke. It’s a tag name given to me when I first arrived in New York. In New York people wear their nicknames on their belts. You have to see the joke.” Yes, but do you feel happy recommending to the girls of America that they turn themselves into Boy Toys? “It’s a personal statement. It’s not for the women of the world, only for myself.” So what is the statement? That you’re burning up for my love? That you’re bending over backwards for my love? (cf Burning Up). Pause – long enough for those beautiful eyes to send out a bolt of pure animosity – but also for a bit of thought. “It’s a statement for innocent sexuality.” So you are encouraging all the junior high school girls of America, not to mention the Catholic school girls – to indulge in innocent sexuality? (Exasperated) “Boy Toy is a joke.” To judge from the above, not particularly pleasant exchange, Madonna is set fair to become the Jane Fonda of the under-21s, exhorting girls everywhere to fight the noble struggle against stomach bulges, unsightly blemishes, and lonely nights without the man of their dreams. But there may be more to Madonna …

LATER THIS YEAR WILL APPEAR Madonna’s first feature film. Desperately Seeking Susan. In it she plays a free-spirited young girl who captivates a middle-class housewife. It sounds like an ideal role for her. The film is directed by Susan Seidelman, who made the well-received Smithereens. Madonna is very keen to do more acting, and indeed shows far more enthusiasm for movies than for pop music. She senses that her special qualities, her child-woman-ness and her honesty, as well as her wit, lend themselves far better to the more nuanced medium of film than they do to the very direct, plastic medium of pop. The comparison between Madonna and Marilyn Monroe goes beyond the physical resemblance, and beyond Madonna’s penchant for punctuating her singing with Monroe-esque squeaks, squeals, and gasps. Like Marilyn, Madonna had an unhappy childhood which gave her a bottomless desire for public acceptance, and a conviction that she could only win it with sex appeal. Like Marilyn, Madonna has the intelligence and wit to raise the sex appeal above the level of crass vulgarity (like Marilyn, this requires the right directors). Madonna, what do you like about Marilyn Monroe?

“Her innocence and her sexuality and her humour and her vulnerability.”

You have all those qualities. I know. As Madonna walked silently down the streets of Greenwich Village, decked out like some Christmas tree in nylons, but shrinking with uncertainty under all the glances she gets, and brightening only when she is sure each look is admiring. I was reminded of Dame Edith Sitwell’s description of Marilyn, Monroe: a beautiful ghost.

Like Marilyn. Madonna seems to have allowed the obsessive quest for fame and adulation to blot out her enjoyment of all the lesser pleasures of life. Not only does she not seem to take much pleasure from music or dancing, she doesn’t even seem to enjoy her boyfriends very much.

I was very surprised, in light of all the gossip now circulating about how Madonna had used her boyfriends ruthlessly in her climb to the top, to find that her past boyfriends all remembered her fondly; while she seems to have found very little worth remembering in any of her relationships. New York is full of rumours that her current relationship with ‘Jellybean’ is on the skids – another likely victim of the goddess’ fame. Madonna’s hardened case of ambition may carry her to great success, but it risks also crushing the sensitive girl that remains inside.

One of her ex-boyfriends told me:

“I think Madonna’s living out the Monroe myth even more than she suspects. Sex is Madonna’s calling card. She knows she’s a sex symbol, and she uses it in a self-conscious way. to the point where it’s become her only way of communicating. It’s becoming the only way she can feel comfortable and know she’s wanted. She’s deeply terrified of herself and of being alone with herself. Yet she’s a much more interesting person than she knows, and a much more fragile person than she wants to admit. But I fear for her if she doesn’t change the way she operates.”

That sounds not only like a recipe for unhappiness but the best argument that could be made against Boy Toyhood as a desirable objective for any girl.

It also sounds, just possibly, like a prescription for a very good actress.

MARIPOL WAS WITH Madonna the night she performed live on national TV at the MTV awards: “When we left, the kids were waiting for Madonna in the street, cheering. As we went into the limo, I was watching her. She was looking at all the kids, and she was wondering why she was here. 

“She wanted to be there, with them, in the street, yelling at herself. And I looked at her face, and it was pure innocence and pure joy.”