#literally talked to myself out loud for DAYS answering potential interview questions

[ncisladaily]

Renée Felice Smith was only six years old when she knew that she wanted to be an actress and storyteller, but people tried to dissuade her from her chosen career path, telling her it was an impossible goal. Luckily, Smith’s parents weren’t among the naysayers, and today she’s living her dream, starring as Intelligence Analyst Nell Jones on NCIS: Los Angeles (Sundays, 9 p.m., CBS) and co-authoring her first children’s book Hugo and the Impossible Thing with her creative partner Chris Gabriel.

So, when her French Bulldog Hugo was diagnosed with a brain tumor, Smith once again ignored the doubters and found the best vet possible to give Hugo a shot at life rather than listen to those who told her it was “just truly impossible.”

“We just knew we had to try for our little guy, and we’re so glad we did because he was with us for another two beautiful years, just grinning, growling and running around the yard like the wild man that he always was,” Smith tells Parade.com in this exclusive interview. “So, we’re so glad we fought for him and advocated for him.”

When Hugo finally passed, Smith and Gabriel knew they had to tell his story to inspire others to conquer the seemingly impossible things in their life. So they wrote a story about a little dog named Hugo, who succeeded where others didn’t even try as a result of his bravery, curiosity, teamwork and persistence.

“The love is still here, and it needed someplace to go, so now we have the book and Hugo’s message that now we get to share with the world, which I’m just so grateful that it’s become real,” Smith adds.

Related: NCIS: Los Angeles‘ Daniela Ruah Speculates About Whether Kensi and Deeks Will Survive the Obstacles Ahead

This Sunday night, Smith will be back with some teamwork of her own when NCIS: Los Angeles returns with a new episode dealing with technology, which is something that Nell excels at. In the “Imposter Syndrome” episode, NCIS obtains a hard drive containing a realistic deep fake video of a deceased terrorist and must retrieve the dangerous technology behind it. However, when the team’s comms are hijacked during their mission, they find that one of their own has been a victim of its potential.

And, spoiler alert, Smith says that in the May 23 Season 12 finale, Nell will finally be reunited with Hetty (Linda Hunt)! But how that will play out remains to be seen.

“Linda was essentially sidelined by the pandemic, but, very exciting, I do share a scene with her in our season finale and it’s one of the most memorable scenes of my time on NCIS: LA, so I’m very grateful to have her back as my scene partner,” Smith says.

For more of what Smith had to say about her real-life Hugo and Hugo and the Impossible Thing, as well as more NCIS: Los Angeles scoop, read on.

With your background, a movie seems a more natural project than a book about Hugo. How did it turn into a book?

Chris, my other half, and I are lovers of all types of books. We grew up with children’s books and some of the most impactful stories and lessons we feel that we’ve learned in our lives we learned in the pages of those books, so we really wanted to create this modern classic, a book that kids, or quite frankly, anyone nowadays could really benefit from.

Especially right now, we’re all dealing with our own version of the impossible thing, and we’re trying to find our way to the other side. What better way to inspire you and yours to go out and conquer whatever your impossible thing is than through a storybook following this spirited French Bulldog through the forest, kind of this yellow brick road, Wizard of Oz structure? He meets up with his forest friends and they end up helping him through the impossible thing. It’s really a story about bravery, curiosity, teamwork and persistence. We wanted to encourage that in our readers, both young and young at heart.

Tell us about Hugo and his battle with his brain tumor.

Hugo was diagnosed with a brain tumor and we were truly beside ourselves. It was an out-of-body experience. He was a feisty, curious, wild man who was quite literally sidelined by this potentially terminal disease, and we just knew that we didn’t want to give up on him, and he wasn’t giving up on himself. Every step of the way, we would say out loud, “Hugo, just let us know, buddy, do you want to keep going?” And he met us with this enthusiasm for the process every step of the way. And that is truly why we kept going.

Did Hugo instill in you the belief that the impossible might be possible? Or did you already have that?

That’s interesting. I think the process really showed us that if you ask the questions, oftentimes the people who ask the questions are the people who find the answers, and this process really reiterated that. He inspired us to advocate for him, because animals are helpless on their own, but we could do something about it. We could ask the questions; we could be his voice. I’m just so thankful that he was always this bright light that had this insatiable curiosity for life. He definitely imbued that in me, and I know he imbued that in Chris. He did inspire us to help him conquer his impossible thing. If he didn’t have the fight in him, if he wasn’t such a spirited dog, I don’t know if that would’ve happened, but he was singular in a way. I reference him as my canine son, because he was. He was my baby.

On NCIS: Los Angeles, Nell is torn these days. She feels Hetty tricked her into taking the job when she said she didn’t want it, but she has the support of her team and also Kilbride. So how do you think she’s feeling these days?

She really is at a crossroads in her life. I think a lot of young women find themselves at this point, where they are very good at their job, but is it the job that they always saw themselves in? Is it the job they saw their future selves thriving in? I think for Nell, she’s really questioning whether she wants this to be her story, and in the process, she’s really finding her voice this season. There’s a scene with Sam Hanna, LL Cool J‘s character, that recently aired, where she spells out her frustrations in her position as de facto operations manager and how she’s struggling to keep the plates spinning. And she tells him that he needs to get on her team. It was a really stern moment for Nell.

I don’t think we’ve really ever seen that. Actually, LL Cool J and I were talking about what a different flavor this scene is bringing to the show because Nell usually is quick with a quip, but she doesn’t often drop the hammer in this way. And this season, we really do get to see Nell drop this hammer, stand in her power, and let people know that she needs help and she’s questioning this process.

I think that’s the side of being the operations manager that we didn’t really get to see very much with Hetty because she had everything under control. So, it’s kind of fun and new to see the person, who may be greener in the position, find her way in this new position of leadership.

How much has COVID affected what we’re seeing this season? Is that why we don’t see more of Linda Hunt, to keep her safe? And I noticed there are fewer people in scenes, especially in ops.

You’re absolutely right. Our show did an incredible job managing the crisis that was the pandemic and continues to be the pandemic. We are tested five days a week. Our crew was incredible in keeping everyone safe. The was goal to keep everyone safe, and we were, in turn, able to create 18 episodes of television, which is incredible.

You were just picked up for your 13th season, so it isn’t over yet, but when you look back, what will you take away from it?

Oh, my goodness. We’re a family, you know, but it’s been a mini-film school for me as well. My time at NCIS: LA has been educational. I just pinch myself how lucky I am that I was able to quite frankly lock onto a job like this for so long. In our industry, stability as an actor is not something you often experience. So, to have this group of people who I’ve grown to love and really consider extensions of my family, I’m just so grateful for the time. I feel like I’ve been a student. I feel like I went to school all over again for 10 years.

With Linda being this master in her craft, I can’t even quantify what I learned from her and most of it happens when we’re waiting to do our scene. It’s in those moments that I hear the stories from her childhood and the stories from early in her career, just these nuggets of wisdom that I have now in my little carpet bag.

From your work outside NCIS: LA, it seems as if maybe long-term, you’re more interested in being behind the camera and writing, producing, directing.

It’s interesting, often as actors, we’re part of someone else’s story, we’re carrying out someone else’s vision, but I’ve always been a storyteller. As a kid, I would essentially write my own little plays and perform them in the yard and direct my friends and family, my sister, namely, in those plays. And for as long as I remember, I’ve always wanted to tell stories. So, yeah, that is where I see myself heading in the future.

You’ve said that you knew at age six that this is what you want to do. And you were lucky that your parents supported you.

Oh, 100 percent. I wouldn’t be standing here today if they hadn’t instilled confidence in me and in my creativity. They really created an environment that fostered out-of-the-box thinking, and I’m so grateful for that.

Which takes us full circle back to the impossible just might be possible.

It’s so true. If you’re curious enough and brave enough and you have the support, obviously, of your community, I think that’s the missing piece in a lot of these puzzles. It’s really the support because you can’t get there alone. No one can. The one-woman show does not exist. It’s an ensemble; it’s a production.

[pufflyhallows]

Picks & Pens (I)

Hi! This is a brand new series for our boy Sirius Black. It’s a rockstar!au in modern days. I really hope you like it, I had the idea over a year ago and had a little something in my drafts but only now got to write it the way it deserves. Enjoy!

Chapter One: Press

Warnings: language

Word count: 1,7k

a/n: I know nothing about press or the music industry, so forgive me for any mistakes lol

Sirius Black. What a perfect name for the typical arrogant and condescending rockstar who had just been declared artist of the decade by the magazine you worked for. Unfortunately for you, he also happened to be your ex-boyfriend.

You two had met in high school, way before he got famous. He already wrote music back then, you being one of the very first people to ever listen to it. Some of those songs were quite big hits today and you genuinely liked them, but that didn’t mean you liked him. At least, not anymore. Your relationship had ceased to exist seven years ago. What is it that people say about fame? Oh yes, it changes you.

As you walked past the countless desks in that white-walled office with tall windows, the latest edition of the magazine in hands, you thought about your boss’ proposition. She wanted you to interview the “artist of the decade” for the February issue – it was coming out on Valentine’s Day and she wanted an article about Sirius Black’s muse and writing process. According to her, it was impossible that there wasn’t a girl behind the lyrics of his songs, even though the man had been single for years now. You had told her you’d think about it and answer the next day. Well, today was the next day.

Brenda, your boss’ assistant, was on the phone when you approached her desk. She raised a finger at you as if to say “hold on” and kept talking to the person at the other end of that call. You knew better than to interrupt her, so you patiently waited.

“No freaking way, Rebecca! I told you he was going to the party regardless of what Charlie said! Now, don’t get me wrong, I think you’re much smarter than Mackenzie, but she’s got a point.”

You inhaled deeply, fighting the urge to roll your eyes. Was it naive of you to assume that people only took business calls during business hours?

“I’m wheezing! Literally dying! Oh God...” Brenda giggled. “Well, I gotta go. I’m at work. What? Bitch, you called.”

You watched as she hung up the phone and gathered some loose sheets of paper from her desk, organizing them in a pile.

“Brenda?” you said, catching her attention. “I’m here to see Mrs. Lennox. Could you announce me?”

“She’s busy.”

“Uhh… She asked me to come by her office at ten and it’s… ten.”

Brenda sighed and picked up the phone again, pressing the interphone button. “Mrs. Lennox? Sorry to bother, but Y/N says she’s here to see you. Yes. Not a problem. Okay.”

She hung up and went back to putting her sheets into piles. You raised an eyebrow at her before she finally looked at you and spoke as if it was obvious. “Go in!”

Was it unprofessional to flip off a coworker?

You opened the door slowly and found Mrs. Lennox sitting by her desk with her eyes focused on her computer screen. She looked at you and smiled, gesturing for you to come see what she was working on.

“These photos just came in. Look at him! Isn’t he just so handsome?!”

And there he was. His signature guitar lazily laying between his legs as he had one hand resting on it and the other supporting his weight. He was sitting on a white… box-shaped stool? The background was also white, contrasting to his all-black outfit.

“I think I want these in black and white, what do you think?”

“There isn’t much color in them anyways,” you though out loud.

“Oh…” Mrs. Lennox eyed the entire picture. “You’re right. Black and white it is,” she wrote it down on her notepad.

You kept looking at the photo displayed across the large computer screen. The little shit was handsome, there was no denying that. The problem was what was behind that smirk – arrogance, selfishness and a big big sense of self-importance.

“So?!” your boss’ voice snapped you out of your memories. “Have you thought about our conversation yesterday?”

“I have,” you walked around the desk and sat in front of the older woman as she took off her red cat-eye glasses. “But I need to ask you something first.”

“Go ahead.”

“Will it bring attention to the fact that I am his ex-girlfriend?”

“What do you mean, sweetie? Everyone already knows.”

“I know, but… will it be focused on that? Yesterday you mentioned that it’d be great to have some sort of reunion and that the public would love it. Your idea is an intimate interview, just the two of us in the room and all.”

“Yes...”

“I understand it. I agree that the conversation flows better that way, because the interviewees usually feel more comfortable with less people around and no cameras. However, this is my job. Just my job. I don’t want it to be publicized as a reunion with my ex-boyfriend. This is me, a journalist, interviewing him, a musician.”

Mrs. Lennox looked at you for a while, as if she was trying to read your thoughts. She placed her hands together on the desk and took a deep breath.

“Listen, Y/N. I’ve got to be honest with you. The subject that will be discussed in this interview is interesting, yes. A lot of people are curious about his lyrics. Myself included. But frankly? Anyone can ask him questions about that and put it on a website or a magazine. Anyone. Would it sell? Of course! He’s the artist of the decade, everyone adores him. Now, imagine if the person interviewing him is actually a former girlfriend. And not any girlfriend, but his high school sweetheart. The girlfriend from the very beginning of his career. The person who was there when some of the biggest songs of this entire decade were being written. It will sell like water in the desert, Y/N! This is really good for press.”

“So this is why you picked me, of all people. Press,” you looked down and bit your inner cheek. “I’m a journalist, Mrs. Lennox.” You looked back at her, “I am part of the press. And I know how they will eat me alive after this interview. They will chase me around, paps will hunt me everywhere. The whole nightmare will start all over again. Even after seven years, I still get the occasional question about him. After this interview, though? There will be no peace. And, as a matter of fact, I’m not quite sure if I like the idea of having my personal life used as marketing. God, I’m not even sure if I do want to ‘reunite’ with him.”

“I see,” Mrs. Lennox leaned back on her chair. “What is your answer, then?”

You looked in her eyes, thinking about the last three years you worked for her magazine. She was by far the best boss you’ve ever had. She took you under her wing and gave you enough space to explore your full potential and truly shine. She bent backwards for you several times in the past, helping you build your name in journalism. There was nothing in this world that she could ask that would make you think twice before attending. Nothing, except this.

However, there was a side of you that wanted to see him again. To speak to him again. Hear him talk again. A very curious side of you, that needed to see how he would act around you after so many years of no contact. Would he treat you like every other interviewer? Would he be as self-absorbed and pompous? Would he answer to your questions truthfully? That side of you would die to find out.

And that side won. Along with all the respect you had for your boss and the extra payment she offered the day before, of course.

“My answer is yes. I will interview him.”

Mrs. Lennox smiled widely, but before she could say anything, you added. “Under one condition.”

“Oh, Y/N. What is it?”

“It won’t get publicized as a reunion. Please, Mrs. Lennox, don’t publish it with something like ‘Sirius Black interviewed by former girlfriend’. Just put my name in there and let the press do their thing around it. That’s all I ask. Please.”

Mrs. Lennox eyed you for a while, just like before. She always seemed to crave the power to read minds, maybe even control them. She bit her lower lip and adjusted her wedding ring, looking down at her notepad now.

“Well, it does look good to treat it like it’s so casual. Like you’re still friends and it’s no big deal. You did end things amicably, after all.”

Right…

“Okay, Y/N,” she nodded. “It will be just your name, no mentions of the relationship.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Lennox.”

“Right. Look, Y/N, this interview is very important for us. Please, keep that in mind. I expect a really good show of professionalism on your part. The subject might be delicate to deal with, given your past, but I trust that you won’t leave out any details pertinent to the writing of this article.”

“You have nothing to worry about. The subject won’t be delicate at all.”

You hoped you didn’t sound insulted, because you did feel your ears burn slightly with the insinuation that you might care if he wrote songs about some other girl. You absolutely did not. It’s been seven fucking years.

“Great. That settles it, then. I will look into scheduling this interview now,” she clicked on her mouse and put her red cat-eye glasses back on. “I am predicting it will take place within two weeks from now, so no trips out of town during this time!”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“You can go back to work now, sweetie. If anything comes up, I’ll e-mail you.”

“Okay,” you stood up and grabbed your latest edition of the magazine, remembering why you had brought it in the first place. “Oh! By the way, there’s a typo on page forty-five of the January issue. Printing started this morning, so I think there’s still time to fix it before we lose too much material.”

“Y/N! What would I do without you?! Page forty-five, you say?” she immediately wrote it down on her notepad. “I knew I couldn’t trust Henry on this.”

“He’s a good kid,” you shrugged. “He’ll get the hang of it.”

“Right, right… Ask Brenda to call him on your way out, will you?”

“Of course,” you nodded, already feeling bad for Henry’s ears.

The next couple of weeks were going to be interesting, though.

********

[cumbersomelift]

Spiritual First Aid (Resources Pt. 1)

When I was deconverting at university, I spent months poring over sacred texts, spiritual commentary, and works of philosophy to try to find what’s true. I thought what I needed was a theological rehab – to detox from harmful ideas and to replace them with healthier ones. But what I really needed was more like spiritual first aid – something to immediately address the frustration and guilt I was experiencing right then and there. I mourned the death of God even as I rejected him, and I felt tangled up in this ambiguous sense of loss.

Apart from a few close friends, I deconstructed privately. I thought the more open I was about my questions the less social support would be available from my community. (This was only half true.) I had also internalized the idea that I was responsible for the spiritual well-being of those around me, so I should keep these potentially destabilizing questions to myself because to do otherwise would be morally irresponsible. I would have said that it’s like throwing the biblically inexperienced into the theological deep end (which is patronizing and ridiculous). So, I often felt alone. Years of immersion in evangelical culture made me blind to the shame-loops that fed that sense of isolation and deaf to the language I needed to describe my own experience.

Even years later I’m still figuring that out. But I’ve found the trick to unlocking that language is just tuning in to the right conversation. These days, they are happening all around us in podcasts, books, and other media. Some of the best advice to those deconstructing—and in general— is simply to keep reading.

So here are some of the resources that I had (or wish I had) when I was deconstructing, and a map to show how they meet different needs. After all, someone reshaping their faith (deconstructing) needs something different than a someone dropping it entirely (deconverting). Those of us who are hurting need something different than those who are rebuilding. So, here’s the chart I’ve used to help catalog the books I’ve found most useful.

The reverent/irreverent x-axis describes whether the author sees religion as sacred and useful or delusional and hurtful. So, on the reverent side, you have secular pluralists who see religion as a force for good and Christians boldly asking the hard questions in an authentic attempt to deepen their faith. On the irreverent side, you have secular thinkers who say organized religion is mostly just harmful, but it’s normalized in ways that make this hard to see. If you’re deconstructing as a Christian – because you think the earth maybe wasn’t created in 7 days or because the Bible is hard to make sense of – then I’d point you to the reverent side of this map. For those deconverted or deconverting, you might find the irreverent items more relatable.

The processing/structuring y-axis captures whether the writer is exploring the personal experience or writing about the structure of beliefs that follow. Writers who are “processing” are often those who have abandoned a formerly cherished belief and are working through that change out loud with friends. “Structuring” writers are a few steps removed from the tension but can help answer the question "What am I supposed to believe now?" These writers can help us replace bad theology with a healthier, coherent alternative.

For brevity, this post is focused solely on the processing quadrants – I’ll pick up the structuring quadrants another time. These are a handful of resources that I’d describe as being Spiritual First Aid because they help make sense of pain and can even provide community for those struggling. I have a few books listed, but many of these are literal conversations in the form of podcasts. As you’re reading these consider adding them to your Facebook feed, Spotify rotation, or Amazon wishlist.

Oh. And one last thing: the point of this series is to encapsulate for the church what it’s like to deconstruct and how that impacts relationships. If you’re a person of faith reading this, I encourage you to listen in on some of these podcasts yourself – not because I think they’ll deconvert you but because they’re a primer for bigger conversations. They can be immensely helpful if you want to know reasons people leave the faith, why they might harbor resentment toward the church, and whether your church is participating in these harmful practices (I know that I was). So, even if the quadrant is “for you” it can offer a sense of what experiences others are up against.

Irreverent and Processing 

These are conversations where people explore personal experiences of religious trauma syndrome, process the emotional damage of belief, and reject their spiritual upbringing with varying degrees of force. These can be useful for knowing you are not alone when you feel betrayed or hurt by religion in ways that are hard to express. They may even supply language to better articulate those experiences. Everything I listed here is produced by deconverted Christians who have firsthand experiences deconstructing their faith and fishing out the toxic ideas they once accepted.

The Life After (Podcast)

Here, two deconverted pastors interview courageous people about their journey of faith deconstruction, unraveling religious indoctrination, spiritual abuse experiences, religious trauma, mourning the death of God, and what it's like rebuilding a community after leaving Christian fundamentalism. Their trauma-informed approach and irreverent humor add levity to a series of heavy topics. (If this paragraph is the first time you've ever heard of spiritual abuse or religious trauma then you can read a short blurb about religious trauma syndrome (RTS) from one of the lead researchers on the topic, here.)

I found two episodes on purity culture and RTS with sex therapist Jamie Lee Finch to be especially illuminating. These are the episodes "Unbuckling the Bible Belt" and then “You Are Your Own.” The best introduction to this podcast might be the episode called “Born Again Again” with Katie and Joe Bauer who talk about deconstructing as a couple and what it’s like for spiritual leaders to leave the faith.

The Life After also has a Facebook group that began as a trauma-informed home base for listeners to relate their deconversion experiences, but now it hosts book clubs, a mentor network, and a stream of blasphemous insights from those who have deconstructed into non-Christian spirituality or secular humanism. They even have affinity groups focused on specific challenges like how to be body-positive after living in purity culture or deconverting in a marriage where one partner stays a believer. 

Born Again Again (Podcast)

Two former worship leaders talk through their own deconstruction experiences and how they make sense of their spiritual upbringing as secular adults. They have some fascinating stories about their experiences with Campus Crusade for Christ and the Hillsong movement. In fact, in "This Is Your Brain on Worship" the hosts share how they had a formula to help congregants speak in tongues based on hypnosis. Wild!

Another is "A Personal (or Abusive) Relationships with Jesus?" where the hosts show the dark side of trading religion for a "relationship with Jesus.” They start with the descriptions provided by Campus Crusade for Christ, John Piper, and Billy Graham to define what a relationship with Jesus means, then they break down how these definitions in any other context are textbook cases of abuse that are just normalized through false consensus. They also talk about what it did to them to buy into this relational framework themselves, and how Cru’s organizational structure can pressure young college students to do the same.

r/exvangelical, r/exChristian, e/TrueAtheism (Reddit Boards)

r/exvangelical and r/exchristian are moderated communities of post-fundamentalist Redditors. This might be of use for those who describe themselves as something like "culturally Christian but theologically agnostic.” It’s a moderated group of individuals that works like the Life After Facebook group. People share their experiences, seek advice, and connect on the process of deconversion. It’s a very welcoming, affirming community where pretty much every trepidatious Redditor is met with a chorus of supportive replies. 

r/TrueAtheism is similar but not specifically made up of post fundamentalists. It was recommended from the Born Again Again hosts. This particular thread of “honest questions from an atheist” is an incredibly exhaustive list of troubling bible verses and hard-ball questions about the faith that many of us may find relatable or articulate a dissonance we’ve experienced before.

Reverent and Processing 

These may be good resources for people who grew up Christian and have an active personal faith but aren't sure where they fit anymore. After all, the church has changed a lot in the last ten years. Maybe you describe yourself as a Christian mystic, agnostic, or just a believer trying to find your place. If the phrase "spiritual nomadism" resonates with you, you might feel at most at home exploring questions of faith with these spiritual thinkers. 

The Liturgists Podcast (Podcast)

Michael Gungor and Co. are believers in the in-between talking about faith issues and modern events in this podcast. Sometimes we conflate deconstruction with deconversion and overlook the ocean of gray area between Christian fundamentalism and secular humanism. This podcast is hosted by a community of believers that live in that space. 

In "Is Deconstruction Bad?" they talk about the emotions felt in deconstruction, the social cost (especially for spiritual leaders), and how to embrace a healthy outlook in the midst of it. It's a serious look into what is lost when we challenge our assumptions about faith and why it becomes hard to stop. A similar episode is called "Does Being Good Mean My Beliefs Shouldn't Change?" 

Among my favorites, though, is "Swapping Fundamentalisms.” Sometimes we move from one restrictive, dogmatic set of beliefs to another because we've internalized fundamentalism so thoroughly that we take it with us wherever we go next.

Faitheist: How an Atheist Found Common Ground with the Religious (Book)

Chris Stedman was raised in a staunchly homophobic faith community when he began to realize he was gay. His memoir is a story about his unconventional deconversion experience. Stedman would say that the hostility expressed by his church toward the LGBTQ community is hard to too similar to what new atheists express toward the church today. Stedman rejects militant atheism for a more pluralistic approach to interfaith relationships. He believes that mutually incompatible religions can exist in harmony and not just competition.

He's an atheist committed to interfaith organizing and believes that rallying faith groups on the common ground of our humanist ethics can help us create a better world together. If you think the new atheists are too harsh on religion or overlook the good that religion has does for the world, then you might be sympathetic to his approach. 

The Sacredness of Questioning Everything (Book)

David Dark a Christian writer who thinks that if you read the Bible and don't have any questions then you weren't reading very closely. "The God of the Bible not only encourages questions; the God of the Bible demands them." In The Sacredness of Questioning Everything, Dark talks through why interrogating our belief is a spiritual discipline and what believers fall prey to once they stop. 

Importantly, Dark shows how deconstruction isn't just for the deconverting. Instead, it's an act of theological hygiene. If the God we believe can’t accept protest, interrogation, or dissent, then we’re in trouble. In fact, without the right questions, our conception of God can exist strictly to keep us in line and keep our heads down so we don't get burned. Dark is a Christian who wants to disabuse Christians of that narrow conception of God and show why questions are essential for spiritual growth. 

Conclusion 

So there’s my spiritual first aid kit. Hopefully at least one or two of these resources will resonate with you. I can say that at different points in my life, each of these things provided an insight that made deconstruction less shameful and more clear. If you have other books, podcasts, or communities that have helped you process in deconstruction, then don’t hesitate to add them in the comments.

[othercat2]

fic: two for mirth 40/?

They go to Earth, of course. It’s the home world for humanity and the central seat of government for the United Planets of Terra. Karkat talks to prime ministers and attends hearings. He talks to activists and reporters supporting one position or another. A lot of the conversations are hostile, but Karkat argues them down. It’s not too much different from speaking for the Heiress, while Feferi was looking for allies prior to her Challenge. (It’s also not too much different from the alliance talks during the Challenge.)

Dave is brought up frequently as a bone of contention, or a trump card, as if his arguments were any less true because of Dave. (He’s not surprised that this would be the case.) Karkat finds himself arguing a lot about not only Dave, but Gamzee. Trying to explain Gamzee’s sense of humor and motivations are hard, and also a little exasperating. He doesn’t want to defend Gamzee, but at the same time, he feels he has to. Dave watches this for a few days, looking amused before he steps in during a talk show interview. “Master Makara probably didn’t know anything about the Empress’  plans to have the Emissary investigate the treatment of her gifts,” Dave says in answer to a question to Karkat, John translates. “I say probably because who even knows. I spent a perigee with him and I still couldn’t figure him out.”  

Kamala Nguyen, their interviewer on a late night program frowns. “You have to admit it seems suspicious, that he would attempt to discredit--”

Karkat is about to interject angrily when he’s surprised by Dave making a warning sound. It’s a loud blatting buzz with his mouth and fingers, a fairly accurate impression of the sound that indicates that a hatch or gate hasn’t been closed correctly. Ms. Nguyen straightens, looking surprised. “Nope,” Dave says in English. “Master Makara would never try to discredit Karkat. They’re moirails and that’s kind of important.  This is more of what he’d call a prank from the Mirthful Ones, I think. Something put in motion like we’re all in a romantic comedy being written and directed by terrifying eldritch pranksters.” The rest is translated by John.  

“A romantic comedy?” Ms. Nguyen asks skeptically.

“Well I’m sure master would like to be all ‘this is a political drama with some action’ but no, it’s a romantic comedy. In Which A Former Alien Gladiator and A Romance Author Are Thrown Together by Fate in the Form of the Author’s Highblooded Moirail Who Wants To Manage His Moirail’s Sadly Empty Quadrants. Featuring Pro Emancipationist Rhetoric a Slow Burn Romance a Number of Surprising Revelations Concerning the Highblood’s Actual Motives and Lots of Awkward Discussions About Consent. Warnings For Xenophilia, Quadrant Smearing and Aquadratic Characters,” John translates for Dave.  

“Warning for Aquadratic characters is orientation shaming and inappropriate,” Karkat grumbles, because he can’t help himself.

“Little steps, master. Representation is important but we can’t shock our fan base,” Dave says in English. “Gotta let them know what they’re getting into.”

Karkat snorts. “‘We?’” he asks. “Still not ghost writing your memoirs, Strider.”

“You’ll have no choice; you’ll be lured closer to the pit by the smell of bad grammar and typos. Then my tentacles of prose will drag you under,” Dave says in English.

The conversation turns in the direction of the hypothetical memoir, then briefly back to Karkat’s position as Emissary before it’s time to end the interview.

After spending some time in the green room talking over the phone with  Ampora they head back to the ship, Dave and John talking about the hypothetical memoir. “Are you really thinking about writing a memoir?” John asks Dave once they’re in the limo.

“I dunno, maybe,” Dave says. “I will totally write it as a romantic comedy though,” he says with a teasing glance at Karkat.

“You can write it like fan fiction,” Karkat says. “A coffee shop AU where you stumble into acting as an auspistice for Terezi and Gamzee.”

“Where are you in this fan fic?” Dave asks. “And am I customer at this coffee shop, or a minion of the coffee shop?”

“Minion. I am a mysterious benefactor who you at first only know by the sound of my voice,” Karkat says. “You don’t know until midway through the story that Gamzee is my moirail and Terezi is a good if exasperating hatefriend of mine.”

“Not a potential kismesis?” Dave asks, looking amused.

“Regrettably, I’m still myself in this story, and therefore pretty much all over the place in regards to my quadrants,” Karkat says.  “Also, a mutant and a terrible choice for a concupiscent quadrant.”

“But my hapless flailing because of the ashen flirting awakens a spark of true pity and or sheer exasperation that inspires you to come to my rescue.”

“That and I’m pretty sure Gamzee and or Terezi will kill the coffee shop owner for punishing you for your interventions, rendering the workers’ lives even more complicated and unpleasant.”

“Gotta think about the lives of those ordinary workers, struggling to earn their allowances and buy their retirement,” Dave says, nodding.

“Are you flirting?” John asks, looking a little red in the face. “I’m pretty sure both of you are flirting.”

“That would be a thing that’s happening,” Dave says.

“Do you have a problem with that, Mr. Egbert?” Karkat asks.

“No!” Egbert says quickly. “It’s just hard to tell sometimes?”

“Don’t worry we’re not gonna start macking in the back seat,” Dave says.

“That’s really, really not likely to happen,” Karkat says.

“Master’s shy,” Dave says in a stage whisper to John.

“I have a sense of decorum,” Karkat says in an attempt at a quelling tone. Predictably, it just makes Dave grin.

Dave teases John all the way to the ship and Karkat joins in with an occasional comment of his own. Though there had been a few rocky incidents--like John’s attempt to rescue Dave by purchasing him--Karkat was beginning to feel more than a little hatefriendly toward the human. John was an intelligent if occasionally oblivious individual and watching Dave reduce John to sputtering near-nonsense was entertaining. (John occasionally won the bouts, though not by very much.)

Once in their quarters, they occupy themselves with social media, Karkat on the console, Dave reading on the human equivalent of a husktop, reading the reactions to the most recent interview. (They start a thread with each other on a forum site. Someone asks: Okay so you are both in the same room pretty much? WHY are you arguing with each other in this thread? Dave responds: sometimes is more comfortable to talk in text Karkat writes: YES. THIS IS MORE COMFORTABLE FOR ME ANYWAY AS MOST OF MY EARLY SOCIAL INTERACTIONS WERE VIA TEXT.) The conversation wandered off into the realm of early social development.

After an hour or two on social media they retreat for the couch and the entertainment center. Dave is exploring Terran musical genres so a lot of what they watch are music videos. Karkat notices a certain theme to the lyrics of a number of songs three songs into the most recent playlist and gives Dave a suspicious look. “‘Grind,’ ‘Pump,’  ‘I Want Your Honey’?” Karkat asks.

“Just some songs I want to try out for future dance routines,” Dave says with a little smirk.  

“Pitch dancing to plainly red concupiscent songs?”

“I’m branching out, maybe,” Dave says. “Gonna master all the quadrant styles. Wait, what would ashen dancing look like? Or pale?”

“It wouldn’t look like anything,” Karkat says. “Well okay, there are artistic compositions about moiraillegiance and auspistism but the style you were being taught is a purely concupiscent style.”

“Maybe I should watch them, to practice for Terezi,” Dave says. “Get all pale seductive in her grill.”  

“She gets sad, doesn’t always believe that she’s done anything good or worthwhile, which is plainly idiotic, but depression generally doesn’t make sense anyway,” Karkat says. “Make her breakfast, make her go out to see the moons every so often; she’s actually worse than Sollux if she isn’t on a case.”

“Spilling the beans on your hatefriend?” Dave asks, smiling a little.

“Relaying easily observable facts,” Karkat says, mock-defensively. “Such as a playlist with a theme, and you not answering my question.”

“Your question was literally just repeating song titles, master,” Dave points out. “I have no idea what you mean.”  

“Implied question: are you setting a mood here or something?” Karkat asks. He’s surprised to see a faint blush on Dave’s cheeks.

“Maybe,” Dave says, averting his gaze slightly. “So I figured either you thought I wasn’t ready for the full sex, or you weren’t ready, therefore, mood music.”

Karkat felt his own face heat up, which was ridiculous. He wasn’t some newly Ascended flush ingénue; he was an adult, dammit.  “Mood music. For me or you?” He asks dryly. “You should know my taste in concupiscent music by now; this isn’t it.”

“Well, fight over the remote to make the music stop, kissing, below the pants action,” Dave says. “It’s a romantic classic?”

Karkat pretends to consider it. “It’s acceptable, for a very pre-Ascension style romance like the Black Candy Crush series. ‘Two hatefriends meet for the first time and discover pitch feelings for each other and it’s adorkable.’”

“So you think my mad romance skills are on the same level as a romance book for wigglers?” Dave asks with a frown of not-quite-mock disappointment.

“Only a wiggler thinks there’s something wrong with reading romances written for wigglers,” Karkat says. “Wigglers are so desperate to grow up and matter they think rejecting what they liked as a wiggler is part of being an adult. It’s really sad.” Karkat sighs and shakes his head.

Dave stares at him. “I am not a wiggler,” he says. “Okay, you’re older than me by a few sweeps--”

“Five, at least,” Karkat says. “That’s a pretty considerable chunk of time, for a human.”

“Yeah, I would have been past my prime in another seven or eight sweeps. Maybe I still will be,” Dave says, and wiggles his eyebrows.

“You’ll be just as obnoxiously pitiful and I wouldn’t mind having you around, that is if you still had an interest in my decrepit ass,” Karkat says.

“I’ll push your four wheeled device out onto the patio every evening,” Dave offers. “Serve you soft boiled eggs and cool featherbeast broth for breakfast every morning; mock your collection of literary awards.”

“Heh.” Karkat leans in for a kiss, makes a surprised little grunt when Dave falls back onto the couch, taking Karkat along for the ride. “I’ve gotten one--oh.”  Karkat can feel the line of Dave’s rigid bulge pressing up against him. It makes his bulge shift and press back.  He starts to rise up a little, but Dave pulls him close.

“You’ve got one?” Dave asks mock innocently. “I’ve got one too, and I think it’s past time they had their first play date.”

Karkat sputters, somewhere between laughter and outrage; then Dave is kissing him again, and coherent thought fucks off, never to be seen again.

==>

<==

Note: I have started a Patreon for my original fic (I’d say early chapters of fan fic as well, for patrons, but I’d feel obliged to add all the previous chapters of my current projects which would be a pain. So that will have to wait for new fic projects, that I can start from the beginning.) I could really use the money: and more money means more fic! Check me out and hopefully sponsor me (or fill my tip jar in my blog’s side bar.)

[apostatively]

I try not to post a lot about my personal life on here as with all social media, due to the little voice in the back of my head insisting that my life is way too boring and/or depressing to bother anyone with. But I really need to vent, so here it is. I feel like a total failure. The last year has been hell for us, and part of it is the monsters running this country who continue to suck any hope for the future out of me to the point where it's difficult to function day-to-day, and part of it is finances. Some terrible decisions were made, championed by me, to uproot us from Baltimore to Augusta, GA, which cost a few thousand dollars all told because the movers apparently took us for a ride and then didn't even log our move in such a way that the military would reimburse us for it as they should have, effectively losing us $4k. The job we moved for became disputed by another company and any hiring was frozen, leaving me unemployed for a few months: by the time I'd found multiple retail jobs to try to tide us over due to savings running dry, the contract was resolved, but the company said that "the customer" was no longer releasing/filling my job area in Augusta. On top of that, the Limited went under and I lost one of my retail jobs. I started interviewing and applying for other Intel jobs like crazy, knowing that a five-month hiatus from my very tech-driven and fast-moving career field wasn't something I could really afford. This was in February. We were reduced to a ramen noodle budget and I was donating plasma as often as I could to try to make ends meet, but it still wasn't enough. At this point we had already borrowed a lot of money from family and friends, which we have yet to find a way to pay back. You know the images of the food they cook in FFXV? I was starting to get legitimately resentful of that delicious-looking fictional food because what I could afford was ramen, and I was still gaining a ton of weight due to a combination of a cheap, high-sodium/fat/sugar diet, intense anxiety, and simply being too depressed to work out. In February I got what could have been a life-preserver for us, if not for the fact that the job came at the expense of my mental health. Since February I've been a 911 call-taker, which pays enough for us to barely make ends meet, and was still working at Teavana. Unfortunately, this job is the most legitimately terrifying thing I've ever done. It's like anxiety Russian-roulette: every time I answer a line it could be a sweet little old lady with a question about the noise ordinances in our town, or it could be a hysterical screeching person so loud I literally jump back in my chair, giving me no information and screaming abuse at me when I can't make responders appear for them within eight seconds. I hate it. I do it for us, but it's the worst thing I've ever had to do in my life. I hate working in a technical law-enforcement field, I hate having to fight so hard not to let this sour my view of humanity, I hate that the 12-hour overnight shift they've assigned me to has left me nocturnal on top of the anxiety-riddled sleeplessness I'm already struggling with, I hate the constant compulsion to eat a ton of crap that is just making me bigger and bigger, I hate that I can't seem to find anything better, and when they sent me for my mandatory week of (essentially) boot camp for this job back in June, I had to read transcripts of dozens of emergency services calls placed on 9/11 as the towers were coming down, and I had an outright breakdown, knowing with certainty that if I couldn't handle my own stress I wasn't going to be able to handle anyone else's under a similar emergency situation, and the knowledge that I had to get out or I was going to get someone killed has stuck with me. In the meantime, I have nothing in common with most of my coworkers: they're a loud, close-knit group of Southern women who have all grown up in this area, they pray before each shift (at a government job???!) and gladly pay $20 per pay period to the shift's fund for birthdays and bereavements. It's intimidating, and I'm slow to open up in a new work environment anyway, and I'm pretty sure they think I'm stuck up when I'm just trying to keep my head above water and have trouble reaching out to my own family, let alone coworkers. They've never gone out of their way to include me, and I feel completely isolated both by myself and them. In mid-July, after months of working my ass off to woo potential recruiters for companies in my area, the company that wanted to hire me for GA initially finally came forward with a solid offer for me, for a job for which we'd need to relocate back to Baltimore. They had me go through urinalysis, sign a metric ton of paperwork, basically commitment-implying things. I've never gotten this far in the hiring process with them before, and my recruiters were communicating with me fairly regularly. It seemed like there was finally an end in sight to this year from hell. I gave two weeks' notice at my jobs before being warned not to "just yet" by my recruiter - thanks for the timing there, bud. I explained the situation to the 911 administrator and he generously doubled the time I had left, allowing me to stay for a month instead of the two weeks I'd given. (The day after my "last day" at Teavana I heard that Starbucks is shutting us down, which hit me hard, because unlike 911 I related to and love my coworkers there, they're amazing people and this news was seriously distressing; I couldn't go crawling back there asking for an extension when they have enough problems without me.) My new last day at 911 is tomorrow's night shift, and I'm completely terrified, because new job has yet to give me a start date, a full month after starting the hiring process with me. I get paid on Friday but that may be the last full-sized paycheck I can expect, and it's mostly going to go to rent. I keep running our budget over and over in my head, trying to figure out how to make it stretch when the money stops coming in. I may have to start donating plasma again to the tune of about $60 a week, when the very experience of having a massive needle shoved in my arm draining stuff out of me is a horrific experience that makes me want to scream. Even if I can manage to pay all our bills until I can start getting paid from this new job - unlikely - I still have to figure out how to afford to live day-to-day until then, alone in Baltimore while Michelle is here *alone* until we can get paid and afford to move, and I'm hoping one of the few friends I have in Baltimore will let me crash on their couch until then bc we have no money for a cheap hotel or Airbnb room at this point, and it's not even worth the attempt to try to get a loan unless we feel like depressing some bank tellers pointlessly. There is literally no other financial place to turn. I check my email about fifty times a day hoping for an update and immediately getting disappointed when there is still nothing. I've gone through this cycle so many times with at least seven different companies this year but never so far along in the process: sometimes there will be a week where *everybody* wants to talk to you, they want their bosses to talk to you bc they're so impressed, they want to know about your experience and salary requirements and spend hours on the phone with you each day and you think they're really serious, that you finally might really get an offer....and then radio silence, for weeks, bare-minimum answers when you contact them, bc recruiters don't like to talk to you when they have all the information they need from you and have no positive updates to give. I've spiraled from this routine more times than I can count, and this is exactly what it feels like to me. What's taking so long? Is there a problem? Can I be doing something else on my end? (How can I make you see how crazy this is making me without looking unprofessional?!?!?) This feeling of hopelessness and rejection is crushing me. Between this, the chaotic evil bodies at work in our government, and nearly a year of intense depression, I'm barely functioning. I have no motivation to do anything, I'm just eating and breathing for news on this job that could finally, finally save us/me. On top of my already-nocturnal schedule, I keep going days without sleeping and then doing nothing *but* sleeping for days. Our pantry is full of ramen again bc I'm rationing for the worst. I don't know what to do, and I can't go on like this for long. I just literally have no idea what I'm supposed to do. How to I outlast this? How do I save us? I've given up on staying strong or healthy; I'm just trying to stay mobile and functional, because that's what I'm good for. But it's been so long, and I have no idea how when nothing is in my control anymore.

[diddykongfan]

Forever AU, part 6. Why Colleen, you say, how are you getting them out this quickly after such a very long drought?  The answer is that if I don’t focus myself here then I’m gonna have that Belle/Hank AU spiral out of control and nobody asked for that (and yes, I do count myself as nobody, because I asked for that, but I need to stay strong and not do the thing). Also the stolen wallet subplot was literally a deus ex machina to have curse!Henry and curse!Jo run into each other and now I have to deal with including it, so like… Yes, I absolutely purposefully came up with a too-easy solution. Every time I tried to write what seemed like an actual investigation that could still lead to the suspects walking away that quickly (based on my understanding of them from crime shows and/or Murder, She Wrote), it came out sounding sloppy and halfway incompetent, which, you know…  No.  I’d rather I sound sloppy and halfway incompetent than write these characters that way.

It’s always a productive night at the Rabbit Hole when she ends up passing out on the floor at Jack’s apartment, after divvying up their cash intake for the night, because she’s absolutely exhausted from staying up so long.

Of course, usually when that happens, she gets more than two hours of sleep before someone knocks on the door, and maybe she’s still half-asleep when she throws her discarded heel at the source of the noise, but the announcement that it’s Sheriff Graham on the other side does wake her up.

Well, maybe she’s not awake, but she is…  Not falling back to sleep any time soon.

Jack answers the door – it’s his place, after all, and he’s closer anyway – but she gets up and follows.

(No honor among thieves, her dad always taught her – you look out for you and no one else, kid, or you’re gonna get burned – thing is, she’s there.  There’s no chance of sneaking out the fire escape or something. And if the Sheriff’s looking for Jack, there’s a good chance he’s looking for her, too, given how often their enterprises coincide.  She can look out for number one just fine without running, because running just looks worse in the long run.)

They’re very pointedly not under arrest, as all the Sheriff knows is rumors and hearsay and circumstances, but since they’re regular features at the Rabbit Hole could they, perhaps, come down to the Station to give statements?

No hint what the crime is, but then, it is an open investigation and even she can tell they’re suspects.  She wonders which drunkard pointed in their direction, because it sure as hell wasn’t the bartender.  He’s got a weirdly loyal streak towards her, which she doesn’t get, but which she will absolutely take advantage of as long as she can.

She’s already mentally calculating which of the town’s very few lawyers to call up if this goes any further than a friendly chat – Guerriero is in the lead, meek and kind of unassuming, not a shark like Gold or D.A. Spencer, but affordable – when, before the Sheriff can even speak to them, the Station’s phone rings.  When whoever’s on the other end is done, the man in front of them is pinching the bridge of his nose, looking for all the world the picture of exasperation.

Odd.

The Sheriff isn’t known for showing much emotion beyond a friendly smile.  Oh, there’s talk that he’s been different lately, and Jack had told her about the man getting drunk and upset at Granny’s just two nights ago.  His throwing a dart at Deputy Swan’s head to get her to pay attention had been all the gossip yesterday morning (and that’s probably the only reason Jack brought it up, but still).

“It turns out I don’t need those statements after all,” he sighs after a moment.  Well.  That’s- Whatever.

“Isn’t that good news, Sheriff?” she asks, smiling at him a little, “Not that you wasted your time, obviously, but that there wasn’t actually a crime, I’m guessing?”

He doesn’t smile back.  Just shakes his head slowly with a barely uttered “I suppose you’re right” that feels more like a dismissal than the actual dismissal had.

Again.  Whatever.  She needs sleep anyway.

And then, as they’re leaving– Deputy Swan is bringing in some guy that she’s maybe seen around town, or something, ‘cause he kind of looks familiar, she thinks, and he just stares at her and calls her Jo.

What.

She’s not sure why she acknowledges him, when she corrects him, tells him her name is Vera.  He’s nobody, right?

So why does she care if he knows her name?

…

“The ‘stolen’ wallet turned up under the seats of the cab,” Graham says, without preamble, once their guest is in the cells for processing and the two of them are in his office.  Emma winces.  She’d gone to the accident and then the docks, taking two of the calls instead of one, so that he could focus on going and interviewing their victim in person about the “theft” and then actually investigating it.  Having that be a waste of time feels a little like a slap in the face, and probably more so to him.

Best to move on to the next topic of business.

“According to Doctor Bellamy, her brakes failed and she couldn’t stop in time to not hit the guy on the bike,” Emma informs Graham, “Billy got out there with the tow truck to take her car into the shop, and he said he’d call if there was anything we should know.  Doc agreed to come down and fill out any paperwork on her lunch, but since she was already running late to see her patients, I let her go so she could work on rearranging anything that needed doing there. The bike was completely totaled. Billy took that, too, said he'd bring it down here as soon as we call for it.”

“And the victim?  Did anyone find them?”

“No. Except for the damage to the car, there was no trace whatsoever that anyone had been on the bike when the crash happened. What I’m wondering,” and she can’t believe she’s about to say this, because it may be the strangest sentence that has ever come out of her mouth, even since she started discussing Operation Cobra with Henry, “Is if our guest over there might be our crash victim.”

It doesn’t make sense in the way that she likes her world to; even allowing for what happened last night with Graham (and only allowing for that because she witnessed it), the odds of it happening to two different people in town in less than a day?  That has to be astronomical.

“He said he was riding his bike and then he was in the water with no idea how,” she adds, because it’s the entire reason she brings up the theory.  It’s the entire reason the theory even entered her mind.  After all, someone had to have been on that bike.  There’s a person-shaped dent in the hood of Doctor Bellamy’s car, even if there is currently no person to account for said dent.

“It’s possible,” Graham draws out the words, looks like he’s considering.  Glances out at their guest.  “I never heard of anyone else who could- It’s one of the laws of magic.  Dead is supposed to be…  She used to complain about it, in the old world, when she would go on tirades against Snow.  I heard enough to piece some things together.”

“But if one person can come back," namely Graham himself, "who’s to say that there aren’t others?” she sighs as she finishes his thought, follows his logic of how it’s possible.  Even if she is going to pointedly ignore the words laws of magic and old world and Snow.  For the moment, anyway. And while she’s asking questions, she supposes she might as well voice another.

“When we were on our way in, Vera and Jack were headed out.  He called her Jo.  Could it maybe be his memories from before-” Before the curse?  No, she still feels ridiculous saying that out loud.  Still feels like someone is going to pop up and say that it’s all some very elaborate joke and they fooled her every time she even considers admitting that there’s a curse (even if she does have to admit that dead bodies vanishing and then the person not being dead anymore is a very compelling reason to say that something very not normal is going on in Storybrooke).

“I don’t know,” he shakes his head, “I didn’t know many people, before, and neither of them were among the few I did.  I don’t see how it could be, though- I only remember because of you.”

Right. That Savior thing that hangs in the air, unspoken between them, but heavy on her head anyway because of Henry. Because if the curse is real, as Graham has said it is, if Henry is right, then she has the fate and identities of everyone in town riding on her. Including, potentially, her parents.

But no pressure, right?

"How did I make you remember, anyway?"

(No one else seems like they're changing all that much because of her. Oh, Mary Margaret is more self-confident, sometimes, but she still doesn't seem like she's remembering some sort of fairytale life or whatever. Knowing what happened with him may be important.)

He hesitates, she can tell. But it's brief before he very obviously decides to give in and answer.

"You know this world's fairytales," he starts, low, and she is confused, "They aren't right on much, but... You know- What the strongest method for breaking curses is considered to be?"

She bites her lip, thinking. He seems so nervous, to explain. She considers the tropes and plot devices that are so common in the stories that she used to read, before she gave up on believing in magic and happy endings, the stories that Henry has been going on about since she met him.

There's one thing her mind lands on, but- No. It can't be that. Can it?

"You know what happened between us before I got my memories back."

And now she sees the reason behind his hesitation, the reason he does not name the cause he has identified himself, edges around it and lets her make the conclusion. He knows her enough to know that the very idea of True Love's Kiss is something that might make her run away.

(Such a definite, optimistic term for something that has just barely begun to blossom between them. It's too soon, and she knows that he knows she would feel that way. But he- Clearly, he doesn't want to lie to her, tell her he has no idea what it is that caused his memories to break through. She's not sure which aspect of his telling her that she appreciates more - his consideration towards her discomfort in the very idea, or his deciding not to even try and lie.)

“But it didn’t break the whole curse,” she shakes her head, and, yes, maybe she did finally say the word. Still doesn’t mean she doesn’t have her doubts.

“No,” he agrees, “It didn’t.”

“Why not?”

(She’s fairly certain that she can’t just…  Go around and kiss everyone in town’s memories back.  She doesn’t care about them the way she does him- Even if love is a stronger word than she would use, just yet.)

“I don’t know. I’m no expert in magic, by any means.”

(Who is, though? Most of the people supposedly have no memories, and therefore even if they were experts in magic before, won’t be now. Even under the assumption that it’s all true, that only leaves room for Regina to know and be an expert, and even if Emma was willing to ask her – which she’s not – there’s no way that the “Evil Queen” would be willing to answer. It’s her curse to protect, after all. Gold, maybe, he always seems like he knows something, like the world is a big inside joke to him. But she already owes him one favor and she’s not eager to accumulate more.)

Atop the desk, she lets her fingers twine with his. She’s scared, yes. And it’s frustrating to have more questions than answers – and frustrating that the one answer she’s been given is the one that scares her more than anything else that’s happened. But she does care about him, and she cares about Henry, and with those two sureties, she’s willing to try and figure something out.

[kidsviral-blog]

The Funniest Woman In Hollywood Is In Search Of Her Next Big Role

New Post has been published on https://kidsviral.info/the-funniest-woman-in-hollywood-is-in-search-of-her-next-big-role/

The Funniest Woman In Hollywood Is In Search Of Her Next Big Role

As Season 10 of It’s Always Sunny gears up, Olson looks ahead to what a life after Sweet Dee would be like. “Sometimes I’m like, Oh well, they just wanted a young pretty person, rather than a funny person.”

Kaitlin Olson is hating having her picture taken right now. The 39-year-old star of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia doesn’t say this out loud, but it’s not hard to tell that she is deeply, deeply uncomfortable — though she’s nowhere near as awkward in her own skin as her character Sweet Dee, a caustic and narcissistic would-be thespian, on the FX (and now FXX) cult comedy. “Could you play a bit with the tree?” the photographer gently asks her.

It’s an unusually warm Friday afternoon, and Olson is standing in the backyard of her contemporary Sherman Oaks home. The lawn is sprawling, with a trampoline on one end and a pool at the other; toy cars and pint-sized seats, the cast-offs of her two young children, litter one corner. A stylist fixes Olson’s hair as she begrudgingly twists her fingers through the tree’s branches. “Just hanging out, touching my tree,” Olson says out loud, to no one in particular. “You like photo shoots? It’s pretty great, standing by yourself, taking photos.”

For a seasoned actor like Olson — who’s been working consistently for the past 15 years in comedy roles, turning up on Curb Your Enthusiasm as Becky, Cheryl’s loud and opinionated sister; as Mimi’s vengeful nemesis, Traylor, on The Drew Carey Show; and currently on New Girl as the free-spirited girlfriend of Jess’ dad — it’s surprising that she’s not used to the being the center of attention by now. But she’s decidedly not.

The truth is, though, that Olson feeling anxious about this interview and photo shoot is entirely understandable. She’s heading into a 10th season of Sunny, and while that’s a place any actor would envy being in, she’s also arriving at a crossroads in her career. As Sunny begins to wind down, Olson will soon be leaving a show on which she’s been a linchpin for 10 years, and will have to look around the corner to see what lies ahead for her career.

“Could you maybe relax your shoulders a bit more?” the photographer asks her, trying a different tack. “I don’t know,” Olson says, laughing at the word relaxed, “because I’m definitely not.”

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Photograph by Macey Foronda for BuzzFeed

The biggest role in Olson’s career to date remains the 10 years she’s spent on Sunny as Deandra “Sweet Dee” Reynolds, a horrifying example of a human whose self-centered streak is often a driving force in the storyline. Such as in the Season 8 episode “The Gang Gets Analyzed,” when Dee’s therapist calls her out for lying about being the first choice as the female lead in The Notebook, and the episode ends with Dee repeating, “Tell me I’m good,” until her therapist finally relents. Or in a third season installment, “Dennis and Dee’s Mom Is Dead,” when Dee hears from a lawyer that she won’t be getting any inheritance, because she was “a mistake” (despite being Dennis’ twin), and her knee-jerk reaction is to dig up the grave so she can steal the jewelry off her mother’s dead body. But rather than be repulsed by her character’s more detestable nature, Olson has been able to connect with Dee.

“I can’t tell if I relate to her anymore or if I’m just so used to playing her and love her so much that it’s second nature,” Olson says. With the photographer and stylists gone, Olson finally seems more at ease, sitting at a long wooden outdoor table in her backyard and tucking her legs into her chest. “There’s a certain element of desperation and wanting people to like you… I was really shy. But I think because that was so sad for me when I was little, that it’s so hilarious and sad now, that I relate to that. I like this character’s way of handling it, way more than how I handled it. Which is, like, aggressively and angrily. Maybe it’s cathartic. I don’t know.”

“I was really proud to make Larry [David] laugh. The more I would yell at him the more he would laugh.”

And Olson not only relates to the idea of needing to fit in, but it’s something that’s apparent just from talking to Olson. Often she’ll end sentences with “I don’t know,” like she’s trying to take back what she just said in case you don’t like it. Several times, she stops herself from answering a question with “I don’t know if I can answer that question. I don’t want you to print anything I have to say,” or “I don’t know how to answer that, again, without having it in print sound like I’m being a real arrogant asshole.” Refusing to answer tough questions about Hollywood and her role in it proves doubly problematic though, and she softens the blow by pointing at the recorder and saying, “I’ll tell you when your thing’s off.”

That need to be liked started long before Olson made it to Hollywood, and it’s what initially led her to start performing. Olson grew up in perhaps the most un-Hollywood setting — on a six-acre farm in Oregon. Olson says her mom would whistle when it was time for dinner, and if you wanted a snack, you just ate out of the garden.

“Nobody was an actor,” Olson says of her family. “I started doing summer camp stuff in elementary school and loved doing the plays. I liked making people laugh. I remember that specifically, being really young and having my parents being in the audience and laughing. It wasn’t really a Oh, I’m the center of attention feeling, it was more Oh, I’m making them so happy right now feeling. I liked that.”

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Olson — with Julie Payne, Cheryl Hines, and Paul Dooley — rails at Larry (Larry David) on Curb Your Enthusiasm HBO

That sense of accomplishment — of making someone happy — is what drove her to attend the University of Oregon and major in acting, and it’s what would eventually take her to Los Angeles to fully commit to her vocation. “I thought it was beautiful. It was so sunny. It’s so cloudy and gray and rainy in Oregon,” Olson says of moving to Los Angeles. “I didn’t understand how anyone could ever be sad or depressed here. It was so beautiful.”

She took classes at The Groundlings and eventually made it into the Sunday company. To support herself, Olson worked three jobs: as a recruiter for a biotech company; as a receptionist in a hair salon; and as a salesperson at a boutique shop. “I worked hard,” Olson says. That determination paid off when she landed an audition for Larry David’s HBO comedy Curb Your Enthusiasm. “I’m not the ballsiest person, so I was very proud of myself for getting it,” Olson says. “I was really proud to make Larry laugh. The more I would yell at him the more he would laugh. Which was really fantastic. I loved that.”

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Patrick McElhenney/©FXX / courtesy Everett Collection

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia originally started as a “writing exercise,” according to Rob McElhenney, who made a $200 homemade video pilot with Charlie Day and Glenn Howerton in an apartment. That pilot then sold to FX in 2005, and was given a budget of $400,000, less than a third of the cost of a traditional network comedy. It was shot with the caveat that they’d need to reframe the original storyline from being centered on three actors in Los Angeles to a group of friends who tend bar in Philly.

According to Howerton, one of the show’s executive producers, who also plays Sweet Dee’s twin brother, Dennis Reynolds, on the show, Olson came up against some stiff competition for the role of the hilariously vulnerable Dee; the final two actors considered were Olson and Kristen Wiig, according to Howerton, but in the end Olson landed it. (Wiig’s publicist did not respond to multiple requests for comment.)

“I knew her work from seeing her in Curb,” Howerton tells BuzzFeed News. “We wanted to find somebody who could be as funny as the guys, and we felt a lot of times in comedies, girls are so often relegated to the ‘oh, you guys’ role.”

Day, who fans know best as the ever-screaming and always emotionally unstable Charlie Kelly, echoes the sentiment that casting Olson was a no-brainer.

“We were blown away by how funny she was,” says Day. “I can’t think of an overall impression other than our general excitement that we found someone who was really right for this part.”

Oddly enough, it was McElhenney — to whom Olson is now married — who was less than convinced about her. During the audition, Olson accidentally left out a critical line in the script they’d given her, and McElhenney was nonplussed, to say the least.

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Howerton and Olson in an episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia FX

“I left the room and Rob was like, How did she leave out the funniest line that was in there? and he didn’t want to cast me,” Olson says. “Rob, who I’ve now married, had to be talked into hiring me.”

The first time Olson and McElhenney met was during her audition, and despite any apprehension he had, she was cast as Dee, and the show premiered in 2005. Somewhere during filming Season 2, the pair started dating, though they wouldn’t officially come out as a couple until the show’s third season.

“Literally, the stupidest thing you can do in the entertainment industry is start dating your co-star on a television series that’s expected to continue,” McElhenney says in a phone interview. “Potentially, we could’ve ruined the dynamic of the TV series, but we jumped in anyway. I guess because I started to fall in love with her.” His voice softens as he says it.

They married in 2008 and have two sons, Axel (age four) and Leo (age two).

Mary Elizabeth Ellis, who plays The Waitress on Sunny and is married to Charlie Day in real life, first met Olson when they were on a flight to shoot the pilot. “The guys flew to Philly early, and I flew on a flight with Kaitlin,” Ellis explains. “We had a lot of cocktails together and were like, OK, you’re great, we’re going to be best friends.”

Ellis vividly remembers the moment when she found out Olson and McElhenney were dating. It was during a press junket, and they all sat down in a hotel room. “They were like, ‘We have something to tell you guys,’ and Kaitlin just starts crying and says, ‘I love him. I love him so much, you guys. He’s such a great person. We don’t want you guys to be mad at us because we’re dating and on the show,’” Ellis says, laughing. “It just made us laugh so hard, because it was such a funny way to reveal that they were dating for the first time. They’re just so great together.”

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Patrick McElhenney/FX

None of this would have happened if Olson had chosen not to take the role of Sweet Dee, which she considered in those early days.

The character was written as the typical straight man, which Olson had no interest in playing. “There were three episodes that were already written that I had to do that were just very like, ‘You guys. Come on, you guys. That’s stupid, you guys,’” Olson says. “But I was very clear about not wanting to do that.” (“I don’t think we did a great job writing her character the first season,” Howerton says.)

It speaks to Olson’s character that she wasn’t willing to just simply lay down and read the lines she was dealt; she took an active role in shaping the character and how she wanted to play Dee. “She pulled Rob aside, because he was the showrunner, and said she didn’t want to do the show if her character wasn’t funny,” Howerton says.

Olson only took the role after many conversations with McElhenney about how the character of Dee would be shaped. “He was like, ‘Look, we just don’t know how to write for a woman, but we’ll figure it out,’” Olson says. “And I was like, ‘Well then, don’t write for a woman. Just write — look at all these great funny characters you wrote. Just write one of those. I’ll make it female.’”

Despite initial character setbacks, the Dee of the past nine seasons is hilarious, and the most physically comedic role on the show. (Witness her free-form dance moves.) Dee’s actions don’t fall victim to the conventions usually dealt to women in comedy. Dee was Bridesmaids before there even was a Bridesmaids. She is crude beyond belief at times. She flails her arms and spits venomous, half-baked threats at anyone within earshot. She falls — a lot — and fake-vomits so convincingly that it’s become a running gag on the show. “I’ve never heard somebody do a gag so funny,” Howerton says. “You know, suppressing puke, it’s just a weird gift she has.”

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Olson runs head-first into a parked car on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia FX

In the second season episode “Charlie Gets Crippled,” Olson wears a back brace and hobbles on crutches as she drags her legs behind her. In “Who Pooped The Bed?” she runs out of a shoe store in stilettos and slams headfirst into a car so hard that there’s a dent, a stunt Olson performed without a stunt double.

“We had a stuntwoman do it, and it didn’t look very real, and then Kaitlin did it, and actually ran into the car, probably almost breaking her neck,” Day says with a laugh. “It’s just one of the funniest moments of physical comedy I think in the history of the show.”

Olson furrows her brows as she stares across the lawn. “I don’t want the stunt double to do it, unless it’s like a quick thing, because that’s part of the acting. I want to do that,” she says. “There’s a lot of acting that happens in between the running out and the head-hitting.”

The only problem is that Olson is extremely clumsy. “If there is a tack on the floor, she will step on it,” Howerton says. During the filming of Sunny, Olson has broken her back, her foot, her heel, and while on set, she fell through a floorboard and ripped her calf open on a metal spike.

“Our idea of Dee was not as physical as Kaitlin is,” McElhenney says. “It’s something we sort of found with the way she carries herself.”

Olson sighs. “I’m very long,” she says. “I’m very unaware of how long my limbs are and I bash into things a lot, and Rob makes fun of me a lot… I’ll do something and Rob will tell me to do it again and I didn’t even know it was funny.”

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Photograph by Macey Foronda for BuzzFeed

Olson is, as Howerton says, nothing like her Sweet Dee character, though fans of the show often have a hard time accepting that. “They assume I’m drunk and loud and that I want to do shots and stay up all night,” she says, laughing.

The home that Olson shares with McElhenney is immaculate, despite the fact that they have two children under the age of four. When her youngest, Leo, comes home from school, her entire face lights up and she wraps him in a warm hug before excusing herself to put him down for a nap. And an ideal Friday evening is one spent at home, according to both Olson and McElhenney. “A perfect night is coming home, having dinner, putting the kids to bed, and opening a bottle of wine and watching Game of Thrones,” McElhenney says.

Olson is often described by those who know her as nurturing and protective — “I think of her as a lioness,” McElhenney says. “She’s extremely protective of her children, like I fear oftentimes for my life if I cross a line. I’m afraid she’s going to snap my fucking neck. The way a female lion might with her cubs.” — very un-Dee qualities. She was “raised by hippies” in Oregon (McElhenney’s words) and cooks organic food, grows herbs in her garden, and uses homeopathic remedies.

“My motherhood life is sort of private … it’s so special to me I don’t want it attacked or to have that part be annoying to people.”

“She’ll pick something from the garden to heal a wound and it will magically disappear,” her friend and fellow actor Tricia O’Kelley (of Gilmore Girls and Devious Maids) says. Day: “In the 10 years that we’ve been doing [the show], I don’t think I’ve ever seen her get a cold. That’s quite an accomplishment.”

Her weakness is watching any of the Real Housewives shows, and she says that if she ever does get time to relax, she’ll check into a hotel nearby to “literally just order room service with a girlfriend and get massages and drink wine and watch Bravo.”

And because her private life is so starkly different from her television persona, she tends to keep it under wraps. “I feel like people only want to hear me say funny things. Like, I don’t tweet about my kids or being a mom ever, because I’m very aware that that’s annoying for people to hear,” Olson says. “So everything is true, but I just feel like my motherhood life is sort of private, because it’s so special to me I don’t want it attacked or to have that part be annoying to people.”

And everyone around Olson mentions how her role as a mother is an enormous part of her identity. “Motherhood has changed her a lot for sure, it’s by far her number one priority is those children,” O’Kelley says. “Everything else comes in a distant second. Her family as a whole — Rob, their marriage — her family is her priority.”

When asked what he sees as being next for Olson, her husband agrees that while her career is a priority, family will always come first for them. “She would love to build out a movie career and see what’s next in television,” McElhenney says. “But I do know the thing that’s most important to her now is to make sure these boys are raised well.”

Olson concurs. “Parenthood has become number one,” she says. “So I’ll only take something if it fits in, and if it doesn’t interfere with my ability to be a good mom. And that’s the truth and that’s how it will always be, because I feel that.”

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Photograph by Macey Foronda for BuzzFeed

Motherhood might be Olson’s priority at this point, but acting is a very real and large part of her world. “I would love to do more film,” she says at one point. “I really like TV, but yeah, in the interests of doing something different I would love to do more films.” She pulls at her silk shirt. “I’m not having any more babies. I want to work.”

In a year when Time named 2014 the “Best Year for Women Since the Dawn of Time,” it’s still a year where female-led comedy shows like Selfie, Super Fun Night, and Trophy Wife were canceled. And a year in which the most anticipated female-driven comedies — Tammy, Obvious Child, and They Came Together — made a very small dent in the film landscape. Obvious Child grossed just $3.1 million at the box office, and They Came Together grossed under $1 million. While Tammy was a financial success, making close to $100 million at the box office, if you compare that to male-driven buddy comedies like 22 Jump Street (which grossed close to $200 million), there seems to be a disconnect between what Hollywood is offering and what Americans are seeing.

“Look, I’m never going to understand what Middle America wants, because I’m on a show that Middle America doesn’t necessarily like, but I think is really funny,” Olson says, wrapping her arms across her chest. “I think there’s definitely a shift, and no one’s funnier than Melissa McCarthy and she’s doing really well, you know, so hopefully.”

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Sasha Roiz and Olson on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia FX

Whether or not middle America likes Sunny or Olson, there does seem to be a shift happening. Ellen DeGeneres hosting the 2014 Oscars led to an 8% increase in viewership, and Tina Fey and Amy Poehler have hosted the Golden Globes for the past three years, but is that enough? “For sure, there’s not enough funny roles for women in Hollywood, period,” Howerton says. “I’m happy to say that we personally — in Sunny and other things that we’re working on and have written — always try to make it a priority to write funny female roles.”

Even if what Olson and Howerton say is true — that Middle America doesn’t like the kind of comedy Olson wants to do, and there aren’t enough comedic roles for women in general — what does that mean for Olson as she leaves Sunny to explore other roles? Where do you go when the film and television landscape isn’t in your favor?

Olson doesn’t seem entirely sure, other than that she’d like to try out a character who isn’t quite so heightened and extreme as Dee. “I don’t know that I want to do something super dramatic. Our show and our characters are so heightened; I would like to do a more realistic person, who’s going through something really hard, but deals with it in a humorous way,” she says. But at the moment, those aren’t the parts she’s being offered.

“What I get a lot of is ‘We know you can make this funny.’ Stuff that’s like, it’s OK, but then I’m supposed to make it funny,” Olson says. “It’s a great compliment… But I don’t know if I’m interested in taking something that’s OK and being the one that’s responsible for making it funny.”

“I think a lot of men are scared to act opposite a woman who is as funny as they are.”

When asked why she thinks she hasn’t been offered more roles at this point, Olson says, “Sometimes I’m like, oh well, they just wanted a young pretty person, rather than a funny person. That’s discouraging, because there’s nothing I can do about that.” Olson pauses, and then softens the blow with, “I love my job. I got really lucky. I love my character and this circumstance, but it is a little confusing why, in my off time, I’m not doing more. I can’t really blame it on ‘oh well, I’m pregnant’ anymore.”

The actors who have worked with Olson know what she’s capable of, and vehemently speak of her potential. “I’m pissed off at the world that she’s not a giant movie star,” Ellis says of Olson. “I just think she has so much to offer: She’s a great comedian but she’s also a great actress.”

For his part Howerton offered his own take. “I just think it’s a shame that she hasn’t been more recognized, and that more roles have not been thrown at her. I think a lot of men are scared to act opposite a woman who is as funny as they are, and who will give them a run for their money for being the funniest person in that project,” he says. “And I think a lot of times she doesn’t get cast in things because she’s so funny, and I think that’s fucked up.”

When asked if this was at all true, Olson appears hesitant to answer and seems borderline uncomfortable. She pauses before responding. “I hope not, but I feel like that’s happened a few times. I just hope that, if it is true, it starts to shift soon. Because it’s a shame. I don’t know if I can answer that question. I don’t want you to print anything I have to say.”

After a long pause — where she leans across the table, then sits back and re-tucks her legs into her chest — she says, “Yeah, I just, I love Glenn for saying that and for recognizing it, and, well, you know, Rob says all the time, he’s like, ‘Look. That must not be what America wants because if it were, you’d see more of it.’ People, women, want to see women being pleasant. But for some reason, we want to see men be really funny. I think that’s starting to change, you know, ever since Bridesmaids really. So that’s really awesome. I think that’s the part that I’ll focus on and just hang in there.”

During a time where Olson does have to consider and weigh every word she says, because those words could lead to her next big role or prevent her from landing it, it’s clear that she’s nervous about it all — about posing with the tree, how she’ll be perceived by viewers, and what people think of her, and wanting to be liked by an audience larger than the one she’s cultivated with Sunny. “I hope it’s not threatening for me to be as funny as I can be and work with a really funny man,” she says emphatically, straightening her posture and finally relaxing. “To me, that sounds like an amazing movie.”

Read more: http://www.buzzfeed.com/erinlarosa/kaitlin-olson-its-always-sunny-in-philadelphia

[thatfragilecapricorn30]

All Things Begin to Appear: Chapter 8

What happens when Scully starts having visions while her and Mulder are hunting a serial killer?

season 5 case file | 30k words | tw: some depictions of violence

One Two Three Four Five Six Seven

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“He who fights monsters should see to it that he himself does not become a monster. And if you gaze for long into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.” – Nietzsche

“You want what?” Agent Callahan exclaimed, obviously not understanding the agents’ request or not believing that a sane person would ask for the something so ridiculous.

Mulder and Scully exchanged glances. They had waited until the morning to make their appeal, strategizing that Callahan might be in a better mood the next day as opposed to being called in the middle of the night. Now Scully wasn’t so sure that their plan had worked. Maybe she should have brought some coffee along to butter him up.

“The records of all patients being treated for cancer at St. Luke’s,” Scully repeated.

Callahan’s eyebrows reached his hairline. “Are you crazy? Not only will no judge grant that request but it will be impossible to go through that many files. What do you even want them for anyway?”

The two agents shifted uncomfortably. Scully knew how unorthodox their request sounded, but she absolutely needed those records if they were going to solve this case. She just hoped the rest of the precinct couldn’t hear this exchange.

“We have a ... feeling... that the killer has some connection to the oncology department. If you remember, Jane White was being treated for cancer and she was one of the victims,” Mulder explained.

Agent Callahan looked at the both of them, probably trying to figure out how legitimate their request was. Callahan sighed, “Why do I have the feeling that this is how you two normally operate?”

Scully gulped. She was getting nervous that he wouldn’t be able to help them and she didn’t exactly like her competence as an FBI agent being called into question. Callahan studied both of their guilty faces for a few more seconds and then shook his head.

“I might – might – be able to pull a few strings with DA and she may be able to get a judge to sign a subpoena. It's a long shot though. And I still think you both are crazy.”

But with that he walked away, clearly ready to make a few calls on their behalf. Scully let out a long breath and prepared herself for a long wait.

A few hours later, Agent Callahan dropped a stack of folders on the conference table with a loud thunk. Mulder, who had been “resting his eyes,” jumped at the sound, lifting his head from off the table. Scully put down the newspaper she had been reading, and sat up straight, ready to get to work.

“There’s a lot more where that came from,” he stated, gesturing towards the uniformed officers carrying boxes in. “Is there something specific we’re supposed to be looking for? Other than cancer, that is.”

Scully answered without thinking, “Nasopharyngeal cancer.”

Agent Callahan looked at her oddly. Scully opened her mouth to explain but even she didn't know how to rationalize that one.

Callahan shook his head. “You know what; I'm not even going to ask.”

They were lucky that the district attorney was in an argumentative mood today because she went to bat for those patient records, even though the legal reasoning for the subpoena was pretty weak. Luckily (or unluckily?) everyone in Cleveland was getting a little antsy regarding the serial killer so the judge was more lenient than he normally would be. For the first time in a while, Scully felt like they were on the right track and she eagerly started flipping through the files. Mulder and Callahan seemed a little more reluctant to take on such a daunting task but they got to work too.

They literally spent hours going over patient files. It’s no surprise that many people were treated for cancer at St. Luke’s, as it was known for having one of the most renowned oncology departments in the state. The agents had to comb through patient records from the past two years, which is how far the subpoena allowed.

Scully was just completing a cursory review of the files, since she knew exactly what she was looking for. She was almost positive that the killer had the same type of cancer that she did, and since it was pretty rare it would be easy to narrow the suspect pool down.

Scully opened up the next record. It was for a white male, age 52, diagnosed with a brain tumor six months ago. Bingo, Scully thought. She read on further: the tumor was located in his brain, right behind his nasal cavity. Just like the tumor Scully had a little over six months ago.

“I found him,” Scully said, not quite believing it. The other two were so engrossed in their work that they didn’t even notice that she spoke.

“I found him!” she said a little louder, startling both Mulder and Callahan. They looked at her expectantly.

She continued, “His name is Louis John Stanton. He is a white male, age 52 who is currently being treated for nasopharyngeal cancer.”

“Is there a photo?” asked Mulder, moving to look at the file over her shoulder.

“No,” Scully answered after ruffling through all the papers quickly. “But I’m sure we can look him up in the DMV database. And look,” Scully kept perusing his patient file. “His address is 48 Constitution Street!”

That sealed the deal for her. She knew, without a doubt in her mind, that Louis John Stanton was the serial killer. The address matched, the cancer matched and he matched the description that Mrs. Collins had provided. Scully felt her heart start to race, excitement building. She could not believe that they actually had him. Not only was she looking forward to going home but she was ready to put all these psychic visions behind her. It was amazing to think about all the work that had gone into this case and the answer had been waiting for them all along in a few pieces of paper in a manila folder.

Callahan actually looked impressed. “Hmm, well that’s a good sign.”

Scully was ready to grab her coat and track this man down instantly. “We have to go look for him,” she stated emphatically.

Callahan sat up a little straighter. “Now, wait a second. We can’t go confront him just yet. One, we don’t want to spook him and then he skips town. And two, a lot of our evidence is still circumstantial. We really need to put together a good case against this guy before we go talk to him.”

“We have his DNA!” Scully exclaimed, confused as to why their first step wasn’t to go bring him in for questioning.

“And you know that we can’t do anything with that until we have reason to request a DNA sample from this suspect,” he said gently. “I want to make sure this case is airtight so that when it goes to trial we can nail him.”

Mulder decided to pipe in. “I agree, Scully. We need more evidence before we try to take this guy in.”

That really set her on edge. Mulder, king of wild theories and questionable police ethics, was now the voice of reason? But from the looks on their faces, Scully knew that she wasn’t going to win this argument. So she decided to sit tight for now, allow the men to put together the case, and when she got a chance, she would go after him. She wasn’t going to let this guy Stanton hurt anyone else.

When they got back to the hotel, Scully was antsy. The rest of the day was spent building the case against Stanton. They had a lot of evidence: his footprint, his blood, his hair, his neighbor as a potential witness. Callahan was hoping to track down more witnesses that could place him or his car at the scene of the crimes. He also wanted to go back to the hospital and conduct a second round of interviews, focusing on Stanton specifically. That would take way too long, she thought. Scully wanted to get this guy now.

She paced around the room. She couldn’t sit still knowing the name and address of the serial killer that had been terrorizing Cleveland for the past few weeks. “Alleged” serial killer, she corrected herself. Finally she couldn’t take it anymore.

She knocked twice before pushing open the connecting door into Mulder’s room. He was watching TV, seeming totally relaxed. He turned to look at her.

“What’s up, Scully? Wanna watch the game?” He smiled at her.

Scully kept pacing. “Mulder I think we should go look for him.”

“Who?” he asked, until realization dawned on his face. “You mean Stanton? The serial killer? No, Scully.”

“Why not? A lack of evidence has never stopped you before.”

Mulder swung all the way around in his chair. “Ouch, Scully. But we’re not talking about me. I think experiencing these visions has clouded your judgment.”

“What! If anything it has given me a better perspective on this case,” she argued.

“That’s exactly what I’m trying to say. You feel an even greater sense of responsibility towards the victims, which is why you feel it’s your duty to catch the killer. But Agent Callahan is right – if we really want to nail this guy we have to have all our ducks in a row.”

Scully wasn’t convinced. “Well if you don’t want to go, that’s fine. I’ll just go by myself.”

Mulder jumped out of his seat, completely oblivious to the cheers on the TV from the most recent point scored. “Like hell you are! You got near this guy’s house and passed out. What’s going to happen if you’re actually close to him? Not to mention that he’s a dangerous serial killer who has been targeting women.” He looked at her like she was insane.

Scully definitely felt a little crazy. What Mulder was saying sounded pretty similar to thing she had warned him about when he wanted to run straight into danger. However, she just knew another murder was going to occur soon and she wanted to prevent that from happening. She decided that if Mulder was going to be of no help, then she would just figure out her next step on her own.

She gave him her haughtiest look and said “I’ll see you tomorrow Mulder.” She left his room and shut her connecting door with a confident click and locked it.

Immediately, she could hear pounding. “Scully! Don’t do anything stupid!”

She ignored him, deciding that a night apart would probably be good. She walked around the room, trying to decide if she should do her own investigative work. Then she realized that Mulder had the car keys. Damn! She thought. Her plan started falling apart. She could take a cab if she was desperate, but then she was at the mercy of the Cleveland taxi service.

Her nerve was fading. She hadn’t considered what Mulder said. She might react badly to being so close to the killer, especially after getting a view into his mind’s eye. She sighed dramatically and flopped down on her bed. If she was feeling charitable she would go tell Mulder not to worry but she felt like making him sweat a little. It would be payback for all the times he ran off and left her behind. Scully didn’t like acting so petty but decided she was allowed a pass for this case because of the extenuating circumstances. So instead of apologizing to Mulder like she should, she just got ready for bed and went to sleep.

Though sleep did not come easy and when she finally succumbed to slumber, she found herself immersed in a dream. Except it wasn’t a dream. She could tell because everything was brighter than normal and felt more real than her dreams usually did. It was like an out of body experience because Scully wasn’t herself – she was seeing through the eyes of the killer, or Louis John Stanton now that she had a name. She – he – was walking down a dark street and up ahead there was a tall man with brown hair. His back was to Stanton. Scully could see him quietly approach this man and put his arms around him, using a cloth to cover his mouth. Scully was horrified, but she was helpless to stop it from happening. It looked like Stanton knocking someone out with some type of drug like chloroform. But why is he going after a man and why would he not kill him? Scully tried to move or yell but she was stuck just watching the events unfold through Stanton’s eyes. This was the longest she had been immersed in a vision and it unnerved her. She wasn’t sure what she was going to see or what that meant for her psychic link to Stanton.

Scully still didn’t have a view of the victim’s face even as she felt his weight give out. She – and Stanton – lowered him to the ground and Scully caught a glimpse of his visage. It was Mulder.

Scully immediately woke up, her heart pounding. She had never been kicked out of a vision so fast so she felt very disoriented, trying to get her eyes to adjust to the dark room. She wiped the back of her hand across her forehead, wiping away beads of sweat that had formed there while she was dreaming. Scully was extremely confused and realized that she didn’t know when the vision was from. It obviously hadn’t happened yet so that meant it was from the future, or the very near present…

She jumped out of bed and almost sprinted to the adjoining door, needing to make sure Mulder was okay. Why did she even want this closed in the first place? When she opened the door, she realized that Mulder wasn’t in bed. Oh no I’m too late, her mind wailed. But then she noticed him sitting cross-legged on the floor, right by the door that Scully shut to keep him out. She was so happy to see him that without thinking she dropped to the floor to crawl into his lap and wrap her arms around his neck.

He didn’t react to her physical touch except to squeeze her tightly. It was almost like he was expecting her.

“Why are you on the floor?” she whispered after a few minutes of hugging him tightly, neither of them saying a word.

“I wanted to make sure you weren’t going to go look for him,” he whispered back, his breath rustling her hair.

That reminded of her of why she went searching for Mulder in the first place.

She pulled away a little. “Mulder, I dreamt–“

But he cut her off, “No more dream talk. It can wait until the morning. Let’s just have one night without bad dreams.”

She wanted to tell him what she saw – it was vital that he know but she also recognized that it could probably wait another few hours. She just couldn’t let him out of her presence.

In response, she nodded and they remained embraced for a few more minutes, still not talking. Scully was just glad that Mulder was alright. She would worry about the dream in the morning.

Eventually, when Scully started getting sleepy again and her eyes were having trouble staying open, Mulder picked her up and carried her to the bed. He helped pull the blanket over her and moved to leave but she grabbed his wrist. Until this was all sorted out there was no way she was letting him go anywhere alone.

“Don’t go,” she said.

There was no discussion after that. He crawled in next to her and turned off the light. She could hear him breathing and it comforted her as she fell back into a dreamless sleep.

When Scully woke up, she felt the most comfortable she had been in a while. Mulder was curled around her like a comma and his body heat was seeping through her thin pajamas. She didn’t want to get up just yet, until she remembered what she dreamt last night, which made her sit up suddenly.

Mulder, who was still half asleep, whined a little and tried to pull her back towards him. She didn’t let him.

“Mulder, I have to tell you something.”

“Can’t it wait?” he asked, his voice muffled by the pillow. His hand tugged on her wrist, his thumb smoothing over her pulse point.

“No, Mulder. It’s important!” She was looking down at him, his hair ruffled. He looked much younger this way, especially when Scully had the physical upper hand, which didn’t happen often.

He turned to face her more squarely, still lying down, but now ready to listen to what she had to say.

“I dreamt that the killer abducted you.”

Mulder opened his mouth to interject but Scully cut him off before he could say anything. “I know what you’re going to say. You’re going to ask if I’m sure it was a vision. And yes I’m positive.”

“Okay,” he stated, squeezing the hand he still had wrapped around her wrist.

“Okay?” she asked, surprised that was all he had to say.

“What did you expect? An argument?” he asked, smiling.

“Well…yes,” she admitted sheepishly.

“Scully, I wasn’t lying when I said I believe you now. So if you say that the vision was real, then I believe you. The question is what we’re going to do now.”

“Well, for one I’m not letting you out of my sight,” Scully declared.

That made Mulder grin. “And I wouldn’t expect anything less. But Scully, we can use this to our advantage.”

“How?” she asked, skeptical.

He looked thoughtful. “I’m not sure yet. I’ll let you know when I figure it out.”

That worried Scully but she decided to keep those thoughts to herself for the time being. Until they solved this case once and for all, she would have to keep an eye on Mulder and make sure nothing happened to him. Easier said than done, she thought glumly.

Read Chapter Nine