#literally thank you so much to everyone who participated whether you drew one single time or every day it has been so awesome seeing every

[amphibianaday]

day 1208

[chillyravenart]

Do you think that Aegon actually loved Visenya? We all know he married her just for duty and loved her as a sister probably. But did he also love her as a lover? Sure there are theories about him being scared of her. He did still bed her after Rhaenys death, but later it was said that he was glad she stayed in Kings Lansing while he remained at Dragonstone.

I was literally talking about this last night with a friend, but I just want to clarify my views on Visenya's relationship with Aegon once and for all lol.

I don't think Visenya was beholden to Aegon for affection and love at all. People always use the argument of Aegon marrying her for duty and them not sharing the same romantic involvement that Aegon and Rhaenys did and to that I say: you have a badass, fierce and highly capable woman like Visenya who is empowered and her own individual in a world like asoiaf, why is her worth reliant on whether Aegon loved her or not?

Judging by who Visenya was; bold, martial and stern, what makes people think she was making googly eyes at Aegon? She probably loved him in her own way, and no one can ever deny her devotion to his cause - even Maegor was meant to cement Aegon's legacy, she literally created an amped up version of Aegon I to ensure their hard work didn't go to waste 😂. And because she was so unlike both Aegon and Rhaenys, you can interpret that in a way that doesn't make her sound like a neglected wife (lmao Visenya would crush anyone who would suggest that). I'm so sick of people heaping on the pity on characters who don't need it, particularly Visenya who certainly did not rely on a man for validity.

Why do people even think Visenya craved Aegon the same way Rhaenys did? Maybe she just loved him as a brother, maybe she loved him as a husband, but I just don't see her being hung up on affections. She was an active participant in the Conquest and after it too and HAD A LIFE??? Aegon married her for duty and maybe Visenya was ok with that, maybe she married him for duty too (& the dragon has three heads prophecy). We have accounts of them training in arms together as children, she wielded Dark Sister just as well and Aegon wielded Blackfyre. There is no mention of them falling apart or being at other's throats, only some vague rumours from a maester's account that Aegon went on progress because he didnt like her lmao. I bet Visenya didn't waste a single night's sleep on that! She had a kingdom to run, and a castle to build (and a hunky son to raise 😌). Maybe they just didn't get along the same way after Rhaenys' death because she was the glue that bound them together. Aegon and Visenya were both very strong personalities and everyone knows that combo doesn't always go well together and its totally reasonable that they would prefer time apart. Regardless, she literally put together a Kingsguard of seven knights to protect her brother.

“Even with Blackfyre in your hand, you are only one man,” she told him, “and I cannot always be with you.” 

When the king pointed out that he had guardsmen around him, Visenya drew Dark Sister and slashed him across the cheek so quickly the guards had no time to react. “Your guards are slow and lazy,” she said. “I could have killed you as easily as I cut you. You require better protection.” King Aegon, bleeding, had no choice but to agree.

This is the same woman who drew a sword on her own brother to illustrate the fact that he needed better guards. Does she seem like she was a fawning, swooning creature besotted with her man? In my opinion, it's very practical and level-headed of her to put measures in place that would continue to protect the king in her absence, and for years to come! Big sister things 😌❤

The history of the Conquest is written through the opinions of maesters and secondary/contemporary accounts, you can already tell how biased they are when it comes to Visenya and Rhaenys' personalities. Visenya was austere yes, but she was also diplomatic when she needed to be, liked to amuse herself with her own fool, and was an astute stateswoman with a say in ruling the Seven Kingdoms as Aegon's equal. But you can interpret that for yourself, I just never saw Visenya as someone who was wholly reliant on anyone for affection. The whole conquest was based on mutual respect and trust. If Aegon didn't love her the same way he loved Rhaenys, he clearly trusted her, and she trusted him. She captured the Vale for him, fought battles with him, handled the building of the Red Keep for him and bore him an heir when it seemed like he needed one. They were each other's ride or die. And if Aegon went off on his progresses and left her behind to manage shit, he clearly trusted her to do so! I'm sure they held value for each other, I'm sure they loved each other in their own way too, but it's very clear that the love of Aegon's life was Rhaenys and Visenya didn't have a problem with that. She was no jealous, man-hungry woman reliant on Aegon's love for validation. She was a complex, fearsome bad bitch in her own right and that's enough for me. Visenya does not need anyone's pity lmao.

Hope that answered your question anon, thank you so much!

[jiaraweek]

✶ JIARA JULY 2020 MASTERLIST ✶

hello everyone! this is the masterlist for all fics posted during the week of jiara july. we’ll be periodically updating it each day with any fics posted under the tag ‘jiara july’ on tumblr or ao3, but please let us know if we miss anything/you want your fic to be added! thank you in advance to all the talented writers who are participating, we can’t wait to read what you’ve come up with!

DAY 1 - July 26th, 2020

PRECANON DAY

i'm so high at the moment, i'm so caught up in this (we're just young, dumb and broke but we still got love to give) by @hvitstark / RoseOf Winterfell on ao3

A totally plausible but not entirely probable speculation of Kie’s kook year and JJ’s part in it.

oneshot | 8K | angst | read it here

here to stay by @interstellarbeams

JJ has a small circle of trust, the Pogues, until Kiara breaks her way in.

oneshot | 2.3K | angst/hurt/comfort | read it here

pretty hot for a pogue by @hmsjiara / someoneyouloved on ao3

jj and rafe have a history, and kiara carrera just happens to be at the center of it.

oneshot | 6.7K | angst/hurt/comfort | read it here

nothin' lasts forever (we both know hearts can change) by @maybankiara

in which jj decides to take his chances with kiara the summer before they go to different high schools, which possibly ruins their friendship (and by an extension, the pogues’).

oneshot | 5.3K | angst | read it here

another day by capulets on ao3

a look at jj and kiara’s relationship from the very beginning.

oneshot | 2.6K | angst | read it here

new message by @routledges

glimpses into the pogues' group chat as kiara heads off to kook academy, and the messages exchanged between jj and kiara as her struggles don't go unnoticed.

oneshot | 1.8K | light angst/fluff | read it here

you drew stars around my scars by @coconutroseowl

after a hard betrayal from her best friend, kiara becomes intrigued with the code of friendship a certain group of boys have after jj helps her feel better. 

oneshot | 2.2K | hurt/comfort | read it here

What if... (Secrets are dug in the best friends' back yard?) by TiggerUsername on ao3

What if JJ and Kiara have been keeping a massive secret from the Pogues? What if JJ and Kiara were a lot closer than anyone had expected during Kiara's Kook year?

oneshot | 7.5K | romance/angst | read it here

✦ ✧ ✦

DAY 2 - July 27th, 2020

ACTIVIY DAY

fingertips puttin' on a show, got me now and I can't say no (i already know that there ain't no stoppin’ your plans and those slow hands) by @hvitstark / RoseOfWinterfell on ao3

JJ and Kie spend the morning with their kids... And trying to make a new one.

oneshot | 2.8K | romance/fluff | read it here

sea salt and grime (can’t believe that you’re mine) by @hmsjiara / someoneyouloved on ao3

jj and kiara fix up a bike together, and jj realizes they may have more in common than he thought.

oneshot | 5.5K | fluff/light angst | read it here

What if... (Baking is for lovers)? by TiggerUsername on ao3

A baking class for idiots inevitably escalates because of the hopeless couple that is JJ and Kiara.

oneshot | 3.3K | romance/fluff | read it here

invisible string by @alphinias

She weaved him bracelets as surely as they weaved memories together.

oneshot | 4.1K | fluff | read it here

i'll be there 'til the stars don't shine by @maybankiara

in which the pogues throw a kegger, and jj keeps getting distracted by the feelings he might have for one of his closest friends.

oneshot | 3.9K | angst/romance | read it here

just as i reach out to touch you (i remind myself you were meant to fly) by @interstellarbeams

JJ’s childhood memory of chasing fireflies has been tainted by his mother’s disappearance, but his friends help remind him what it’s like to be a kid again.

oneshot | 3.7k | fluff/hurt/comfort | read it here

that’s the thing about illicit affairs by @coconutroseowl

a day’s surfing with her best friend sparks unknown and unwanted feelings in kiara.

oneshot | 2.6K | angst | read it here

kiss the girl by capulets on ao3

some traditions are meant to be broken. apparently, the sanctity of movie night isn’t one of them.

oneshot | 1.5K | fluff | read it here

sunday’s by jiaras on ao3

Sundays were for JJ and Kiara. Since they became official three years ago, it was a known fact — ''I can’t, it’s Sunday'' or ''oh, maybe next week? Just not tomorrow, it’s Sunday'' had been more than overused by them both, until everyone seemed to catch on and stop asking all together.

oneshot | 4.8K | fluff/smut | read it here

✦ ✧ ✦

DAY 3 - July 28th, 2020

AU DAY

two worlds collided (and they could never tear us apart) by @rcsales

Kiara is tired of fancy parties at Sarah’s house; tired of rich self-centered people who only talk about how much money they're making. When she bumps into one of the waiters, her night gets a little more fun, whether she wants to admit it or not.

multichapter | 3.6K | romance/fluff | read it here

i see the sunrise getting high, i wish i was next to you by @hvitstark / RoseOfWinterfell on ao3

jiara band AU

oneshot | 5.2K | fluff/angst | read it here

i had a few (got drunk on you) by @interstellarbeams

Kiara is a student at bartender school and JJ is helping her practice (when he isn’t hindering her by drinking all the liquor).

oneshot | 7.6K | romance/fluff | read it here

no judgement zone by @noellesthings

jiara mythical AU

oneshot | 2K | angst | read it here

What if... (A beating heart is just a ticking timer)? by TiggerUsername on ao3

Everyone in Outer Banks has a soulmate. On their wrist is a ticking timer that is counting down to the second where the person meets their soulmate. The Universe makes sure that the two soulmates don't miss each other.

oneshot | 12.4K | angst/romance | read it here

this dream isn’t feeling sweet by @rae-of-fricking-sunshine

the scorpio race au

multichapter | 10.7K | read it here

monkshood and wolfsbane by @alphinias

JJ and Kiara go through seven years of Hogwarts together. They don't really like each other, until they do.

multichapter | 8.5K | romance/angst/fluff | read it here

war of hearts by capulets on ao3

kiara falls in love with jj. over and over and over again. the reincarnation au literally nobody asked for.

multichapter | 6.6K | romance/angst | read it here

let's get together (before we get much older) by jiaras on ao3

jiara college AU

oneshot | 7.5K | romance/fluff/smut | read it here

cause all’s fair in love and war by @hmsjiara / someoneyouloved on ao3

the percy jackson AU where jj and kiara really, really hate each other... until they don’t.

multichapter | 9.5K | romance/angst | read it here

this world seems beautiful when i'm with you by @maddieandherships

JJ, Pope and John B were alone in this world-a world crawling with dead people that would kill anything that had a heartbeat. It wasn't until they stumble upon a small community of survivors is where they finally feel they have a purpose, to survive.

multichapter | 5.9K | romance/angst | read it here

i have come to save the day by @maybankiara

in which jj is a postman and kiara is his favourite receptionist (alternatively, 4 times kiara didn't know jj's name and the one time she did).

oneshot | 5K | fluff | read it here

✦ ✧ ✦

DAY 4 - July 29th, 2020

DESTINATION DAY

better date than never by @alphinias

Kiara is sick of her mom badgering her about the single groomsmen at her cousin's wedding, so obviously, taking JJ as her date is the perfect solution. It won't be complicated. Not at all.

oneshot | 22.6K | romance/angst | read it here

you're the only friend I need (sharing beds like little kids) by jiaras on ao3

in which JJ and Kiara take their three kids on a road trip to the lake house.

oneshot | 3.6K | fluff | read it here

tell me when you’re falling (can you hear me calling?) by capulets on ao3

being in love with your best friend makes vacationing pretty inconvenient. luckily for kiara, said best friend will never suspect a thing.

oneshot | 3.3K | fluff/romance | read it here

and if my wishes came true (it would’ve been you) by @hmsjiara / someoneyouloved on ao3

the one where jj and kiara go on a road trip together and do a miserable job of pretending they’re not two idiots in love

oneshot | 7K | angst/fluff/smut | read it here

i don’t want to miss a thing by @maybankiara

in which jj drives kiara off to college, and he's not completely okay with that.

oneshot | 2.2K | fluff/light angst | read it here

✦ ✧ ✦

DAY 5 - July 30th, 2020

5 + 1 DAY

bare necessities by @rae-of-fricking-sunshine

the five times they were unintentionally undressed, and the one time they weren't

oneshot | 10.6K | fluff | read it here

I can’t believe that it’s finally me and you and you and me, just us (and our friends) by @hvitstark / RoseOfWinterfell on ao3

4 times John B and Pope interupt JJ and Kiara's alone time. And the 1 time they get to be alone.

oneshot | 11.6K | fluff/smut | read it here

if we were meant to be, we would've been by now by @alphinias

five times JJ was jealous, and one time he didn't have to be

oneshot | 12K | angst/romance | read it here

every piece of you by @interstellarbeams

Five places that Kie hadn’t expected to be intimate when kissed and one place she does.

oneshot | 13.2K | fluff/romance | read it here

it wasn’t special til i met you by capulets on ao3

the four times kiara lets jj braid her hair and the one time she doesn’t.

oneshot | 3.2K | fluff/light angst | read it here

friends are something that we were (before me sleeping in your shirt) by jiaras on ao3

the five times JJ and Kiara pretended to be a couple, and the one time they were

oneshot | 10K | romance/smut | read it here

What if... (slow and steady wins the race)? by TiggerUsername on ao3

the four times that JJ and Kiara are nearly caught and the one time where secrets become too much.

oneshot | 11K | romance/smut | read it here

i don’t wanna be your friend (i wanna kiss your lips) by @hmsjiara / someoneyouloved on ao3

the five times kiara thinks about kissing jj, and the one time she finally does it.

oneshot | 12.4K | angst/romance | read it here

✦ ✧ ✦

DAY 6 - July 31st, 2020

FIRSTS DAY

i lost myself between your legs (oh the habits of my heart, i can't say no) by @hvitstark / RoseOfWinterfell on ao3

Kie ask JJ to be her first. Because she trusts him. No other reason. JJ agrees. Because he's a good friend. No other reason.

oneshot | 10.8K | romance/smut | read it here

you and i (on the fly) by capulets on ao3

jj takes kie out on his bike for the first time and realizes just how fucked he is.

oneshot | 2.9K | fluff | read it here

august slipped away (into a moment in time) by jiaras on ao3

Kiara is going off to college soon, and JJ is staying in Outer Banks.

They decide to practice being away from each other for a day, for the first time ever.

oneshot | 6K | comfort/angst | read it here

What if... (It's only three words, eight letters)? by TiggerUsername on ao3

JJ has had a lot of firsts in his life. But none of them compare to Kiara. They are eighteen when Kiara tells JJ to man up and make a move. Together they realise that firsts can be repeated. There is one first however that changes everything. Because neither of them have heard those three words, eight letter before.

oneshot | 7.3K | angst/hurt/comfort | read it here

✦ ✧ ✦

DAY 7 - August 1st, 2020

FREE/GENRE DAY

Aetea (still searching for a reason, why is it so hard to find one) by @anxietyismyspiritanimal / yawning_inF on ao3

All hell breaks loose when JJ returns 'home' for the first time after John B's disappearance.. Luckily for him, Kiara would have never let him go in the mouth of the wolf alone.

multichapter | 1.7K | angst | read it here

[notesofarichlycolorednight]

Hey,pal! I loved your hc ' s about Luke! And reading your last answered ask about him reminded me of something. You pointed out how the Hermes cabin was disrespected. Then, my mind went back to one of your Silena asks. Especially, how people said that she could've betrayed the camp because her cabin was being disrespected. However, the disrespect wasn't more than obnoxious most of times, IMO. And that's talking about the rest of the campers. Like, let's take the flag game. There's no bullshit...

…Like “-The cabin 10 losers are yours! -No,they’re yours!” In the Flag Game. The Aphrodite children rarely participate because they usually don’t want to. Besides, Silena and her siblings seem to have quite an easy time shutting down those people. It’s not like she felt hopeless(except when Beckendorf died, but that’s not the issue here). Unlike the cabin 11,where they put the “undesirable kids”,and people didn’t trust them.

hey dude! thanks, i’m glad! i’m having fun thinking abt these :D

yep! most of the disrespect that the aphrodite cabin receives is from the other campers and their stereotype of aphrodite (partly due to rick’s ability to fall into stereotypes when it comes to feminism)

i mean i’m glad that rick moved away from that in hoo, in that aphrodite talks abt her origins and how her son was the one who founded the Great Roman Empire™ or whatever

but he still fell into other stereotypes regarding aphrodite’s children still, so it’s not that much of an accomplishment. and the only reason he detailed aphrodite’s origins is in order to further piper’s character arc (and foil her more with one-dimensional drew) so… not to mention, the rest of her cabin remains p stereotypically aphrodite-like

but anyway, i agree. it’s more obnoxious than anything. hc that they knew what thier mom was abt, so it really didn’t matter what others thought of them, bc the only opinions that mattered were their own. they knew they were powerful in their own right, and if the camp didn’t want them to participate in capture the flag bc they’re always being misunderstood, then fuck ‘em.

and hey, guess what, you can still take what aphrodite is goddess of and turn those tropes on their head. like there’s a post going around abt wing-eyeliner so sharp it literally can cut ppl, using stilettos as weapons bc have you seen those heels? can’t remember if this was part of the post, but blood-red nails like claws dripping with real blood

i think esp when it comes to love–bc love is so much more than just romantic or sexual. there’s so much to be said abt the many facets of love, and some love between two ppl we don’t even have a name for, but it’s so profound and beautiful

like where’s that aphrodite, huh? love and beauty, love is beauty. beauty simultaneously spending hrs on your makeup, hair, and clothes and not giving a single shit. love being someone who loves you regardless of whether you’re the former or latter person.

and then the badass aspects, like stated above

this is kinda going off on a tanget, but ugly and beauty are socialized standards. bc of this, it’s my belief that anyone is beautiful when they smile, when they’re truly happy, when they’re doing/talking/thinking abt something they truly enjoy, smth they’re passionate abt ya know?

/tangent

so yeah, i think the fact that chb put undetermined kids into the hermes cabin spoke to how not only other demigods, but also how the gods, feel abt hermes as a god and while i kinda feel bad for hermes, talking abt just how shitty he was as a father makes me feel way less bad so

now i think some could make the argument that bc hermes is the patron god of travelers, it “made sense” i guess that they’d throw the undetermined kids in his cabin, bc they’re…traveling i guess??? but that argument is flimsy at best. chb is supposed to be their home (or home away from home if they only go during the summer), so they’re not traveling. they’ve found out their demigods, they could at least get some recognition of who their godly parent actually is

his powers are really, so very subtle, so it’s difficult to see how powerful he could truly be without the right context. part of me feels it’s almost by design, bc a lot of his powers can be used for illegal activity, and you don’t really want to be noticed. maybe by other criminals, and by an alias, but certainly not by your true name and the cops, ya know???

but it still communicates how everyone thinks of hermes, whether or not it’s on purpose. we’ve had not indication that hermes really cares abt that, but we’ve also not interacted with hermes a whole lot in the series, except for when we’re talking abt luke so

i think some of his skills are lost in other gods, too. take for example athena who is, as we all know, the goddess of wisdom and battle strategy. her children are intelligent, good at planning, and battle. hermes invented the internet. do you know what kind of genius it takes to do that? but it’s masked, covered up bc athena is the patron goddess of wisdom, of things like genius and intelligence.

hermes is a v “jack of all trades” kind of god, so gods who are more powerful in certain aspects that he can manifest in his children–charisma (apollo), cunning (athena)–are obscured by the more specialized god or goddess.

and while being the master of one or two things is beneficial, there are also benefits to being a jack of all trades, esp in the right context. they could become chameleons–fitting in where they need to be, and getting out before the going gets too rough, or they’re asked to do something beyond their skill set. which, again, usually lends itself to more…shall we say less legal activity

now that’s not always the case of course. those skills can be applied in more legal settings. but i’ve been watching a lot of spy/crime/espionage shows since i was like 10, so i like that kind of stuff. i’ve also been binging person of interest on netflix, so that’s on the brain as well. it probs doesn’t help that hermes is also known as the god of thieves so

as always, thanks for sending these in!!! hope to talk/discuss more soon ^_^

FEED ME SEYMOUR

[romcomathon2016]

The Perfect Man (USA, 2005)

Predictions: We had to look this up to decide whether to watch it (it was an understudy movie), so we knew that it was about Hilary Duff and her mom, Heather Locklear, both finding men. Kat was hoping that it would be like that episode of Sabrina the Teenage Witch in which Sabrina's aunts try to bake her the perfect date out of "man dough."

Plot: Hilariously, as it turns out, Heather Locklear does wind up working in a bakery with one of Sabrina the Teenage Witch's aunts. But let's backtrack a little first. Heather Locklear is a flaky flake of a single mom, who makes her daughters (Hilary Duff and girl!Jonathan Lipnicki) move every time she gets dumped, which seems to be, idk, like once a month???? She does not have it together in her personal life. Hilary Duff is all like, gosh, maybe I could have a friend, ever, but instead they move from Kansas to Brooklyn. What are you complaining about, Hilary Duff?? This is definitely an upgrade -- not to mention, what a nice apartment in Brooklyn! Good going, Heather Locklear. Your finances, at least, seem to be in order.

At school, Hilary Duff makes a friend, Vanessa Lengies, and meets a boy, Ben Feldman. (P.S. 2005 Ben Feldman looks almost exactly like 2017 Ben Feldman, and acts the same, too. In a charming way! But also, it's weird.) They are both nice, but Hilary Duff particularly doesn't want to get attached to Ben Feldman, because she knows that her mom will just get dumped and want to move again. But then, Hilary Duff meets Vanessa Lengies's uncle Chris Noth, who owns a restaurant and knows how to give a woman flowers. Hilary Duff is extremely taken with Chris Noth...on behalf of her mom???? (Sure, Hilary Duff, just keep telling yourself that.) But instead of, say, trying to introduce them, like any normal person, she decides to stalk and impersonate him and catfish her own mother. Because...if her mom experiences fake happiness, they’ll never have to move again?? Yes. That's exactly why. Not joking.

As you might imagine, many shenanigans ensue. At first it's just an innocent orchid, left on the doorstep, but soon enough Hilary Duff is writing letters, sending emails from China AKA Ben Feldman's house, courting her own mother via AIM… Super normal stuff, you guys. She even enlists Ben Feldman to fake a phone call in which "Chris Noth" dumps her mom, when she finally realizes that she can't keep INDEFINITELY DATING HER OWN MOTHER, but that blows up in her face because Ben Feldman can't keep his eye on the prize and starts, like, being all romantic, thinking about Hilary Duff, talking to her mom on the phone about it… He almost tells her he loves her… I MEAN, WHAT????????

Anyway, Hilary Duff then gets mad at Ben Feldman, but he tells her how he feels and kisses her, but she's much too busy to deal with you, Ben Feldman; she needs to go set her mom up on a date with Chris Noth -- but first, she has to BREAK UP CHRIS NOTH'S WEDDING to get him there. (Thank god, it turns out to not actually be his wedding. But that does not excuse Hilary Duff's terrible intentions, nor does it make it less weird that she thought she was going to accomplish this feat by showing a previously-unsuspecting Chris Noth all the email proof of how she catfished her own mom.) Anyway, when this obviously fails, she finally tells her mother the truth, and Heather Locklear, despite her own questionable choices, is understandably like WTF, kid, and they get in a fight. Yet Heather Locklear somehow overcomes the unpleasant experience of being dumped by her own daughter and, for once, does not decide to move.

BUT THEN. Hilary Duff gets in, like, barely a fight with Ben Feldman, and SHE wants to move. Plot twist, y'all! Hilary Duff is like, COME ON, MOM, WE MOVE BECAUSE YOU'RE IN A MOOD ALL THE TIME, and Heather Locklear is like, sigh, well, I guess that's reasonable! So they're all about to move, but then Ben Feldman stops by to apologize, and Heather Locklear realizes that, oh, Hilary Duff wants to move because of a boy, and maybe this total inability to deal with pain or conflict is the result of Heather Locklear's terrible example her whole life! So THEN, Heather Locklear catfishes Ben Feldman over AIM, and Ben Feldman (weirdly wise whenever speaking to Heather Locklear????) drops some knowledge on her, and Heather Locklear realizes that she and Hilary Duff both need to learn how to see things through.

Meanwhile, Chris Noth, perhaps out of a morbid curiosity, actually does read Hilary Duff's emails with her mom, and (although we would not) decides to forgive this psychotic child her foibles. He lets Hilary Duff bring him to the bakery and point out Heather Locklear, and he goes in and asks her out. One wonders whether, in their future relationship, Chris Noth and Heather Locklear will discuss the incredibly bizarre and disturbing circumstances that brought them together. Hilary Duff makes up with Ben Feldman, and he takes her to her first school dance. Girl!Jonathan Lipnicki, the most sensible character in this movie, participates in a spelling bee. Huzzah!

Best Scene: ...M-maybe when Hilary Duff first meets Chris Noth, and we don't yet know what terrible choices she's about to make? He is quite attractive and well-dressed, and, unlike everyone else we've met so far in Brooklyn, does not have a ridiculously overdone Brooklyn accent. Perhaps actual!Chris Noth was like, "No, hard pass, I'm not doing that." Good choice, sir. But, speaking of choices, your choice to do this movie? Bizarre. You were so famous already in 2005!!!! You have such a stable television career!!!!!!!! What possessed you??

Worst Scene: It is so hard to decide, you guys, between Heather Locklear's lowest moment and Hilary Duff's lowest moment. Heather Locklear's lowest moment is when she stands up at an all-school meeting and tells the entire community -- kids, parents, teachers, counselors -- how desperately she is looking for a man. Yeah, it's REAL BAD. Hilary Duff's lowest moment, of course, is when she destroys Chris Noth's friend's wedding, shouting that the groom can't marry the bride, because he has to marry her mom instead. (This is before she realizes that the groom is not Chris Noth.) Sooooo bad. So awkward. THOUGH, in Hilary Duff's defense, Chris Noth did kiss the bride on the mouth in front of her, so, while it was utterly psychotic that she crashed the wedding, it was not crazy that she thought that was his fiancée. APPARENTLY, Chris Noth and this woman are just "good friends." SURE. WE KISS OUR FRIENDS ON THE MOUTH ALL THE TIME. EVERY DAY. ANY OLD FRIEND, A MOUTH-KISS.

Best Line: "No, it isn't. Okay, the face a little bit. But that woman is on a horse. You're not on a horse. That's a completely different person." -- Ben Feldman, doing a hilariously terrible job of denying that he drew a comic of Hilary Duff.

Worst Line: Oh...so hard to choose. Pretty much anything Hilary Duff wrote while she was catfishing her mom. Except when she didn't know what time it was in China. That was funny.

Highlights of the Watching Experience: Carson Kressley, employee at Chris Noth's restaurant. The gayest employee. He simply could not turn off the gay. His every line, scene, and momentary appearance was about his gayness. It was literally the opposite of "no homo." "YES, HOMO. YES!!!!" he shouted with his body and his words. Every time we saw him. Chris Noth's face was like, "You need to contain your gayness, Carson Kressley, because it is inappropriate for the workplace," and Carson Kressley's face was like, "Ooooo, construction workers! Let me abandon my job responsibilities and seduce them."

How Many POC in the Film: Sassy black lady at the bakery. Black English teacher. Black passerby. That was pretty much it.

Alternate Scenes: We are a little bit interested in the story of Chris Noth and his "good friend" that he apparently kisses on the mouth???? What's the history there? Is he sad that he's only catering/attending her wedding, rather than starring in it with her? Also, she was hot, and seemed quite a bit less troubled than Heather Locklear. Also, she doesn't have a psychotic daughter Hilary Duff. You know. These are all things she has going for her.

Was the Poster Better or Worse than the Film: Obviously worse! Don't get us wrong, the movie was awful, but we had a hilariously great time watching it. The poster, meanwhile, is the poster for a plucky family movie about Heather Locklear, her two daughters, and her husband Chris Noth, who works too much, probably at the State's Attorney's Office in Cook County.

Score: 5.5 out of 10 cross-generational-catfishing smooches. Just to be clear, guys, this score is NOT an indication of the quality of this film; we completely stand behind the 6% rating this movie has on Rotten Tomatoes. However, if you and your most judgmental pal are interested in getting drunk and having a movie night, this is an A+ choice. 106% The Perfect Film for that activity.

Ranking: 30, out of the 79 movies we’ve seen so far. Wow, that’s so high... So high that some might wonder if we were high when we scored it. We were not. Kind of makes it worse, doesn't it? #noregrets #unlikechrisnoth #probably