#lmao it actually got me a little out of my no social media funk

[bl00dalchemist]

So i finished reading dungeon meshi

[inthethoughtsofsyd-blog]

First Heartbreak (Oh My!)

Hi there, and welcome to my blog! Most know me as Syd, but most don't know the footsteps I've taken in life. I was inspired from realizing how many people DONT get to know the inner you, so why not! This is going to be as real, and as open as it gets. I hope to be able to have people relate, laugh, and not feel so alone. So here we go! When I was about 15-16, I remember being so over it. It's the "teen angst" years, so of course I was lost in my mellow dramatic feelings constantly! At the time, I was going through a few sucky things - my parents had just had a very terrible divorce, and I was working to feed my brother and mom at a Taco Bell. Sexy right? LOL! I would go to school 8-3, and work some days 3:30 to 11:45pm, so for the time being, my life revolved around coping. At school was probably much worst. I was consistently wanting, like most people, to be somewhere else. It didn't help walking the hallways and being laughed at, or dealing with your fair share of bullies, but it was a normal day, so I had become accustomed to it. I was rebelling a bit at that age, I hated being in class, or being around people - where I was extremely cut off! Some days I would walk into class 20 minutes late, just in hopes of having time pass. I thank God for the teachers who saw I was a good person, but a lost kid. My FAVORITE teacher once gave me the option when he saw me working late at night "I'll allow you to sleep in class, if you write sentences for me, and keep your grades up." And I'll always love him for that. So at that time, it was sucky. I could imagine I was a drag to be around, but I truly didn't mean harm, I like most people in our life - was going through such a rough patch. Taking care of your family, and trying to take care of yourself wasn't easy whatsoever. So then, a ray of light came. I saw the CUTEST guy. I swore he was Chris Brown incarnated. (It was my kid taste, don't laugh at me, haha!) He was the Quarterback of our football team, straight A student, and someone EVERY girl wanted. Me? I was mentally wise, like "Oh sure, this guy wouldn't sneeze by me, no chance on earth" So, I kept it moving, until one day, I got home to an instant message. I at the time wasn't big on Social Media. It was of course only AIM and Myspace, but I was in constant fear of being bullied, where I never really got online. So when Facebook first became popular in about 2008-2009, I thought I'd give it a shot. So I open the message... And it's him! I remember reading the message twice like "This is impossible." He was introducing himself, and saying he saw me around, and thought I was really pretty too. I died inside, this was the FIRST guy who really gave me the time of day. I was always known as my brothers little sister. My brother was one of the cool kids, to the point people had no idea he was related to me. When he would hug me in the hallway, people would be like "Uh, you know her?" & he'd always claim me as his baby sister. Still means the world to me. Back to typical high school hunk! I was in awe he was speaking to me, and we chatted for awhile, before he asked for my number. My family at the time had virtually nothing, but of course I couldn't tell him that, so my mom let me text him from her phone. I was on cloud NINE! I told my mom about him, showed her his photos, and was so over the moon a guy like that would like me. We got to know one another, and over time, we became to mutually admit our feelings. He then began to meet me before class, and we would walk and hold hands as everyone gawked. I'm sure moreso that he was with me - hahaha! Rather than us being the "it couple." We had our first date at a park, which looking back as an adult was extremely cringeworthy for multiple reasons, haha, but you live and learn. It finally became official when we made the Facebook status that we were dating! Relationship goals, eh? 😂 Then one day, hell started. I would go to my locker to nothing but hate notes from random girls. Most read for me to either just kill myself, or that they knew I hated myself, because I was always being bullied, or made fun of. I told my boyfriend at the time that I was being harassed, and my belief was that he was extremely sympathetic and felt terrible I had to go through that, just because I dated the it guy. I tried to ignore the messages on Facebook, and the fake pages about how disgusting and hideous I was, but it wasn't easy. My boyfriend began to change at this time, and it was slowly noticeable. He would do things like ask me why I didn't try out for the cheerleading squad, or why I couldn't wear certain clothes, and it was obvious that he wanted me to change who I was to combat the naysayers and cruel people attacking me. It was never me to be that type of girl, so I never really cared to appease him in that department. So one day, it all came crashing down. I daily had a routine with my boyfriend where we would meet, and daily it would become an excuse. Either he was busy, or he got to school late, and I thought nothing of it. I would daily ask how his day was, or check in, and it was never a response. I came into school one day, to a few people in my class murmuring and laughing, and I didn't think anything of it, until a friend of mine asked me if I had spoken to my boyfriend. I told her it had been hard to get in contact with him, so I figured he was busy with sports, or something else. She then quietly showed me photos of him with some other girl, enlightening me of the memo I hadn't gotten. What? When did this happen?! I can't remember what I felt verbatim - but I knew it was extreme embarrassment and hurt. I texted him in class, trying to contain my crying, but I remember that day it was a movie day, where even if I cried, no one would see. I asked him why, and he simply responded that he couldn't be with someone who's consistently being bullied. I couldn't believe it. I was actually being broken up with because of harassment from others. Before I could text back, he coldly asked me if I could take the relationship status down, for he did it on his end, but I needed to do it on mine. I sat and cried during the whole movie. I didn't think anyone noticed, until a random girl left a note on my desk, simply saying sorry. I'm still good friends with her to this day crazily, and that'll always mean a lot to me. I got to lunch and sat alone. The girls who put the notes in my locker came up to my table, and told me they were "very sorry" I got dumped, and as you can tell it was very sincere LMAO. I didn't say anything. I sat there, ate, and went about my day. I went the whole day with stares, and when I got home, I crashed. I didn't eat or speak to anyone for days, and the bullying got worst from being broken up with, where I contemplated not living anymore. Thanks to my mom, I got out of my funk, and was able to face the crowd for once. The laughing continued, but with the help of my friends, and I actually joined a very beautiful therapy group that helped me cope with so much more in my life, and I got back to Syd again. It would be silly for me to hate anyone anymore, crazily I can't remember most people's names, and we've all moved on with our lives. But you grow from your pain. You'll be happy again. And what people feel about you don't define you! Keep shining. Always. Thank you so much for reading! Until next time... -Syd.