#long ass vent poem cause im goin thru it

[exmotranny]

i was a godfearing christian daughter

wearing a green tulle dress

and now im an ugly athiest son

and my ripped jeans look like a mess

i was a girl bowing to god

i was holding my scriptures on saturday night

now im a kid with nowhere to go

sitting with my friends, laughing in the moonlight

i was stupid, not happy

ignorance not really bliss

but now i'm a fag still in the church i hate

i don't think anyone's winning in this

i sigh and bow my head

oh, great god on high

but i don't hear his voice

just white noise

it echoes 'till im deaf

and i don't see no angels

just bright lights

and they flash 'till i'm blind

and i wish i could go back

i wish i could rewind

but i can't

so i get drunk off of lies and stupid little things

like a new name, and what if that person could love me

and what if my parents found a new routine

and what if i escaped into a religion that i could see

the god of, and what if he was really true

and what if my faith wasn't good enough, what would i do

if god came alive and i didn't pass the test

spend eternity alone, since i couldn't be the best

but for now i'll be a queer and look up at the stars

and in the corner of my eye i see the hurt, i see the scars

i see the pain and the hope and the ones who didn't care

and i see you, too, i see you right there

and god forbid, i decide to leave this fucked up scene

where everyone is hurt, where no one knows anything

please don't stop me, don't tell anyone a thing

need to make a clean break, no loose ends or left strings

and hey babe, its not like i'm contemplating suicide

but every night when i go to bed and i close my eyes

i want to sleep, i want to go, and i want to never wake again

a fate i wouldn't want for you, my dear pretty friend

but im ugly and dumb and stupid and mean

and so many times i've fucked up i don't deserve anything

i don't deserve happy endings and i don't deserve escape

i'm in a shitty cult, i have to be, i should have to stay

i should die and bleed and sink into the cold wet ground

i should cry, get lost and never get found

i should go away and never fall asleep

and i wont think of you, not a single thing

cause i have to let go, i'm not allowed to care

even when your scent is left in my hair

even when every time i think of you i cry

and i realize how much i don't want to die

i was a godfearing loveless angry quiet

christian daughter wearing a tulle dress

and now im a soft spoken sad boy in love

and i wish i wouldn't think of you at all

and i wish i wasn't such a goddamn mess

and i wish you'd stop looking at me

and i wish i could die

and i wish you'd hold my hand

and i wish i didn't cry

im a godfearing faggot who wants to be deceased

im an ugly ass sad boy full of poetry

im full of words and bugs and both are spilling out

and it'll be blood next, what a pleasure to takeout

all my guts and organs and blood and my brains

and on the outside pretend that i'm totally okay

i get drunk off of lies

i get drunk off of names

i get drunk off of you and our stupid little games

and i get drunk off of music and i get drunk off of art

and when i don't have poems to write i just fall apart

and poems are neat, stay in the cage

but this one i write sprawled over the page

cause big emotions don't fit

in itty bitty words

cause it's hard to get them out

it's hard to explain hurt

and i go in circles and write until it strips me

of everything i have, my agency

and you witness, you see all of me

but to conclude, you have to see

i love you

and i hate me

and i was a godfearing, angry, good old christian daughter

and now i'm just a son, and all i do is think

and i think that god's a stupid fucking creep

and he doesn't have a plan for me

and i think that i love you

and i think that i can't sleep