#long personal post ahead woooooow

[vvitchering]

time for a new years reflection text post dump woooooo

new years didn't feel real new years-y to me this year, idk. I just looked up from a game I was playing, released I missed the countdown, shrugged, and went back to my game. I don't do resolutions because I never follow through on them anyway but GOD I want this year to just be Better. Just universally.

2022 was such a shit year for me. I made shitty life decisions, ended up in shittier situations, made more shitty decisions, and ultimately ended up throwing myself into a full blown depression that I'm still trying to crawl out of. Did I learn some things? Yeah sure probably, but I don't know that being so burned out and depressed was worth it. I guess learning not to be so impulsive was a good lesson.

This year is so up in the air for me, plans wise. My current lease is up in July and I have NO intention to staying here. I toyed with the idea of maybe trying to find another roommate and staying in SC another year since I have a good job I'd love to be able to keep but I don't think this is where I'm meant to be. I thought it would feel like home, considering I lived here for 10+ years before I started moving around again, but turns out it just feels weird and bad seeing familiar places that have lost their sentimental value now that my family isn't here.

I didn't LOVE living in FL specifically, but I did appreciate having my family close. I'm a solitary type of person but I need people I'm comfortable around close by for emotional support I guess lmao I thought I'd get some of that back by living with my brother since my sister left the country but it has certainly not been the same. He's a good bit younger than me and the baby of the family and I've more been his live in maid than his roommate and I'm not a fan of that.

I don't even have fandom (as I know it) to fall back on anymore. It just doesn't seem to exist in the same form anymore and I miss it terribly. Everything is either entirely passive or explosively negative. I haven't had a creative thought since like, last March. (Granted, some of that is probably due to the depression; I've been creative without an active fandom experience before)

ESSENTIALLY: I'm sick of feeling sad and isolated all the goddamn time and I'm more than ready to make some changes to try and fix that, I just don't know what those changes are. Everything feels like so much more effort than it used to. All I can do is escape feeling bad for a little while by reading or obsessively watching a show or playing a game and even those things are less effective since I've lost the interactive fandom aspect due to the changing social media landscape.

I just want 2023 to be the year I feel better.