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blazehedgehog · 4 years

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i bet you could do a kickass video on sonic xtreme

I dunno.

I talk big about Sonic X-treme, but the truth of the matter is I kind of stopped paying attention to a lot of it after a while.

For those who don’t know, here’s the whole story:

Around 2000 or 2001, I was deep in to, like, The Secrets of Sonic Team and other websites that covered lost beta elements in Sonic games. This was right after the big Sonic 2 Beta discovery, and the Sonic community was working overtime documenting all kinds of discoveries and lost stuff from every Sonic game ever made up to that point...

...except Sonic X-treme. That information was fragmented and spread across the internet and nobody really seemed to care. I saw a niche I could fill, so I started up a website and combed the web looking for every scan, screenshot and video I could find. I collected all of it at a modest website that was something like sonicxtreme.tk or sonicxtreme.cjb.net or whatever. One of those free domain URLs.

And once I’d collected everything that could be found on Sonic X-treme... that was, uh, it. It’s not like there was anything more that I could do. Once I had all the magazine articles and screenshots of the game, I had reached a dead end on what that website could accomplish. I had completed the known snapshot of what was Sonic X-treme. And so it sat for like, a year. Maybe longer. Just gathering dust.

By now, people at in the community were making efforts to contact the English-speaking members of Sonic 2′s development team. People like Craig Stitt, Brenda Ross, so on and so forth. The Sega Technical Institute folks. And it dawned on me: the entire development staff for Sonic X-treme was American, weren’t they? With Sonic 2, they were stuck talking to artists who were trapped in the tunnel vision of only working on small, specific parts of the game. Brenda Ross could only speak about the couple levels she worked on, y’know? They couldn’t interview the larger members of Sonic Team directly -- they were celebrities, which made them hard to contact, and on top of that there was a language barrier. There were a lot of hurdles to cross, and many of them were borderline impossible.

But with Sonic X-treme, everything was way more accessible and local. So I started skimming the magazine scans I had. Ultra Gameplayers had run a monthly feature called “White Glove Diaries” about the development of the game, speaking to people who were working on it, and it was the best source of information for the game at the time. Within moments, I had a name: Mike Wallis, the game’s producer. Inside of maybe thirty minutes and some skillful Google searching later, I had an email address. It really was that easy.

I tried to be as polite and respectful as I could; I asked him if he was the same Mike Wallis that worked on Sonic X-treme and wondered if he would be willing to answer any questions.

The first thing he wrote back to me was “How did you find me?” along with confirmation that yes, he was that Mike Wallis.

The second thing he wrote back to me was “Would you be willing to speak over the phone?”

And I panicked. This guy was, at least to me, a pretty big deal. I was still deep in my pit of despair, so the idea of interviewing this guy rattled me. I couldn’t do it. I posted on on the Sonic hacking community forum, relaying my inability to go through with this thing. Here I was on the cusp of a big breakthrough and I was acting like a deer in the headlights. Leaped before I looked and got exactly what I wanted, at the cost of now feeling deeply over my head. I was in no way mentally prepared for this.

Somebody on the forum stepped forward and said he’d do the interview for me. His username was Pachuka, and he was gaining notoriety in the Sonic hacking community. Pachuka seemed confident and knew his way around the important terminology, so I figured sure, he can do it. We talked over IRC, ran through some questions we wanted to ask, set the whole thing up for the appointed phone call. We were a team.

The call happened and Pachuka recorded the whole thing. Said he’d release the MP3 on his new website, The Sonic-Cult.

I was incredibly nervous even just listening to the MP3 of the phone call. They’d have to mention me, right? Acknowledge my existence? Talk about how I set the call up? It was hard not to feel incredibly self-conscious.

The call opened with Mike Wallis referring to my website. And Pachuka... had no idea what he was talking about. He never mentioned me by name, and barely even acknowledged that he knew me. Heck, Mike Wallis seemed to know more about me than Pachuka did, and I’m the one who set the whole thing up for him.

Looking back in retrospect, I probably didn’t do that much. From getting the idea, to finding his email address and sending the email, contacting Mike Wallis took what was likely less than an hour’s work, and I was mainly following the example of others in the Sonic community. But in the moment, it felt like I had done a lot. This was as much my discovery as it was anyone else’s. I was the only person who cared enough to set this up. I ran a whole website about this stuff -- the only website for it on the entire internet. And yet, Pachuka couldn’t even remember my username. I felt worthless.

From then on, the community treated this as Pachuka’s discovery. It was his interview. He made the discovery. His star rose, and I remained a nobody. No one cared about my site. Sonic-Cult is where you went if you wanted to learn the real deal about Sonic X-treme.

With Mike Wallis on the line, Pachuka started contacting more people from Sonic X-treme’s development. Soon, that lead him to Chris Senn, and the floodgates were blown wide open. Chris Senn was the key to everything.

I was never a part of any of those conversations. Not even once. The whole community took off without me and I was left in the dust. The handful of screenshots and magazine scans I had collected now looked absolutely pitiful.

I paid attention to the information that came out, of course. I was still interested in the game, and I mirrored what I could on my site. But on the inside, it was hard not to feel hurt. I never looked at it with quite the fervor I once had. It wasn’t mine anymore. I let myself get scooped and the door was slammed in my face without so much as a “thank you.”

After that, the magic and mystery of Sonic X-treme wore off pretty quickly for me. As more and more and more concept drawings and videos and music files and sprites and everything else burst out of Chris Senn, my interest began to wane. It stopped being special.

Petty? On some level, maybe. But for a brief window of time, Sonic X-treme research felt like my baby. I was the guy you talked to about that. Why bother keeping up appearances when somebody else was getting patted on the back and now one of the game’s developers was practically uploading the entire design document to the internet? They apparently didn’t want me involved, so I took a hike.

Don’t get me wrong: it was my fault. I handed this to Pachuka on a silver platter, and he ran away with it. It was a decision that haunted me for years. Made me start realizing I needed to be more confident and less shy.

I am in no rush to relive that mistake.

So when it comes to Sonic 3, I could recite a lot of that from memory. When it comes to Sonic X-treme, I remember the details of the Mike Wallis interview and some basics that came from Chris Senn, but a lot of the finer details of that weren’t really committed to memory, because I didn’t pay super close attention to all of it. And where would you even go to fill in those blanks? Last I checked, The Senntient website isn’t what it used to be.

So, again... I dunno.

#questions #sonic x-treme #sonic the hedgehog #sega #sonic team #mike wallis #chris senn #Anonymous

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dragonleesupporter · 5 years

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Checking It Twice

AN: WOOO this took a lot. Hope yall enjoy!

(Warnings: Remus, something close to depression, and a little tickling.)

Logan had gone over his lists for who got what present that Christmas. It wasn’t hard, since Patton had demanded a Christmas list from each of them, which the cat-loving side promptly hung on the fringe to display what everyone wanted. Logan had gotten everyone one or two of the items they desired, except for one.

Sadly, one of the sides had made it onto Logan’s naughty list. Despite Patton desperately trying to get the logical side to change his mind, Logan’s decision had been made, he had checked his list off for this Christmas.

“Maybe check it again?” Patton urged.

“I am not the fictional character of Santa, Patton. There’s literally no need to ‘check my list twice.’ It’s set in stone. Remus gets no presents from me this year.” He crossed his arms, walking up to his room to dress properly for Christmas Eve.

“But it’s not his fault!” Patton called after him before giving up and retreating to his room as well.

If any of the sides were going to be on the naughty list for Christmas, it would be Remus. The fatherly side had tried to argue that Remus was the literal dark side of imagination and couldn’t help what he was. Logan countered that Deceit was at least putting in effort to not lie as often and to even add to a conversation without hindering it or changing it’s direction. While the few chances that was granted to Remus to change his behavior for the better, the duke had just taken advantage of their generosity, leaving them humiliated, angered, and even a few times, hurt.

He had been constantly bothering them left and right, like the pest he was, and it had only gotten worse as Christmas neared. Walking in on them while they were dressing to tease them, constantly bringing up disgusting facts or conspiracies during dinner that made the others lose their appetite, especially Virgil. Pranking them to point of pain, not to mention the stuff he put on his Christmas list. Logan even had to look up a few of the items and cringed at what his computer displayed before deleting his cookies for that website.

Logan had decided that even if he wanted to give Remus a gift for some reason, he wouldn’t be able to give him anything close to what was on his repulsive list.

Roman had tried to convince him to change his mind, too, but it was a fruitless effort, the prince using the same debunkable knowledge.

Virgil, Deceit and Logan had refused to give Remus a gift. Despite that, the evening had gone relatively well. Each of them had gotten what they wanted, plus a stick of deodorant. Remus didn’t really get anything on his list.

At first, Logan thought Patton’s and Roman’s pleading were in fear of what would happen if the duke didn’t get what he wanted, since he had done terrible things in the past as a response to similar events.

But something about Remus had piqued Logan’s curiosity that night. He wasn’t sure what it was, and he was never all that good at describing feelings, but Remus seemed calm down during the gathering despite his odd intensity leading up to it, and despite he got nothing he wanted.

Late into that night, the teacher had just gotten done with his work and finally retired to go to his room. Even during the holiday, there were still things to be done, despite the others trying to convince him to take a break. Along the way to his room he passed by the doors of his companions, each playing their own Christmas song.

Virgil was currently listing to the Christmas song from Nightmare Before Christmas, using some new headphones he got that night. Logan peeked in with a gentle smile and saw the purple side gently rocking back and forth, humming to the tune with his eyes peacefully shut.

He walked past Patton’s room next, and heard the fatherly aspect singing Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. When he looked inside, Patton was shuffling through pictures of Christmas past, singing the tune while bouncing in place, occasionally lifting the box smelling of Christmas to his face. Logan’s smile grew.

As he continued down the hallway, he heard a gentle hissing coming from the next room. He leaned in and saw a figure hunched over near a fire, wrapped in several dozen blankets with a hat peacefully sitting on an adjacent table.

“Sssssince we’ve no placccce to go… let it sssssnow, let it ssssnow, let it ssssnow…” It seems even Deceit could appreciate the winter holiday, even if he constantly complained about the cold.

Logan felt his smile growing even more as he walked past Roman’s dorm, hearing a deep elegant voice.

“I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know…” If anybody could reach those notes with such grace and elegancy, it would be the prince.

Logan was almost content… almost. Until he realized he had one more room to pass.

Even before reaching it, the teacher could hear loud speakers playing the remix version of “Jingle My Bells.”

Sigh.

He was scared to, but his curiosity got the better of him, and the logical aspect peeked inside. He was surprised at what he found.

Flashing lights, dozens of empty cartons of most-likely spiked eggnog, booming speakers, the disco ball… all of those were normal. So… what wasn’t?

Remus was seen on the floor, passed out with an odd sad frown on his face. An expression that did not compute well with Logan’s knowledge of the duke. The teacher was used to the crazy smile, the childish pout, and angry glare with eye roll… but, sad? Remus was never sad!

Logan noticed that with the duke passed out, no one would turn off the booming music coming from the speakers. He saw the stereo and carefully made his way towards it, stepping around all the eggnog cartons like landmines. Logan shut off the music and turned around quickly, part of him expecting Remus to be awake and ready to prank him, but the duke was still on the floor with that terrible expression.

It was then that he realized a book on a nearby table, opened and inviting him to read it. The dark blue side tried to resist the urge of his curiosity, but once again, it got the better of him as he found himself reading what could only be Remus’s personal diary.

‘December 25th, Christmas Eve,

It still worked. Less so than in previous years, but it still worked. They still hate me. Roman and Patton have been trying to show sympathy despite me telling them not to! Roman knows what’s going down! I don’t know why those dorks don’t seem to get it, even with my pestering. Even ol’ double Dee nearly gave into their sentimentality.

Roman knows I’m supposed to be hated, yet he STILL tries to get people to-ugh- CARE about me. Dear Zeus, the thought of it nearly makes me want to swallow live wire again. It even, dare I say it, scares me. If they start caring about me, I will TRULY lose it. All these years of them casting me away, taking the insanity and darkness with me so they could all love my dear brother like we arranged… all for nothing?? Now they’ll accept me because they ‘changed their minds’?

There was once a time I felt love a long time ago, but it wasn’t meant for me. Pain is meant for me… despite how much I want it to stop- No. I’m going to make sure they always hate me, especially Logan. Virgil and Dee might give in just because they know what I’ve been through… they were there when it happened after all… but Logan’s too strong for that. Maybe not smart enough to realize, but hey- that enema’s got the only real leash on me.

I love it when he gets all angry and puts his foot down. Or when he rolls his eyes at me, oh ESPCEIALLY that long sigh of his. He’ll never know it, but it actually fills me with a sense of strange belonging. I’m doing my job RIGHT. I’m making him HATE me, like I’m supposed to. GOD, it hurts so bad. But it’s my purpose, so in a way… it feels so good… If my broken self could ever love again, Logan would be the one to receive it. AAAOOO, but I can’t. Neither would he want me to, I’m certain.

Ugh, all this writing’s so boring, time to treat myself to some spiked eggnog and bleach.’

Logan’s eye twitched. How could he have been so stupid? The answers were all there… He just didn’t see it. He thought Remus’s attitude was caused by an underdeveloped mind, when in reality, he was thinking on a deeper field than Logan was! Ironically, he suddenly wanted to make the duke feel loved despite what the note said.

He peered behind him, Remus was still out, his chest rising and falling steadily. Now the sad expression made so much more sense… what was this feeling Logan was experiencing? It was making him want to be closer to the duke. Feeling a need to apologize, or help him feel better in some way.

He cautiously walked up to him and reached his hand out to touch his face, not really knowing what he was doing anymore, but following a weird voice in his head. His hand gently glided against Remus’s cheek, and Logan felt a strange bubbly glow as the duke smiled a little. The teacher felt himself smiling too as his fingers wandered underneath Remus’s chin, scratching a little.

The mustached man giggled, squirming a little.

“Hmhmhmhmhm… Thahahat tihihihckles…” He murmured sleepily, his light-hearted giggles giving a huge comparison to his normally manic cackles.

There was something sweet about his voice that the dark blue side had never heard before. Well, he knew that somehow, his fingers had made their way down to Remus’s neck without him realizing, making the duke laugh louder, but not enough to wake him up.

“Ah- Ahahahaha… Hoohoohoohoohoo…”

What was happening to Logan’s chest? The gentle sweet sound of Remus’s real laugh was making’s Logan’s ribcage feel heavy… was he getting sick? Did the duke trick him after all?

Remus started to scrunch up his shoulders, his smile getting wider and his face flushing.

“What the hell…” Logan couldn’t help but murmur. He had NEVER seen the duke blush, aside from the times he had gotten himself severely drunk. But this was kind of blushing was… cute… the duke was… cute?? Logan rephrased the statement/question multiple times in his head and it all pointed to the same answer.

Yes… very cute. The poor green side had been trapped in this position for so long that even writing his thoughts down were paradoxical and crazy. Logan felt a stab of pity for the duke, and knew that if he wanted to save him, (and maybe see some more of his cuteness) he would have to be subtle…

His brain moved from the confusing place of emotions to strategy, a much more comfortable place. He went to move away from the duke to plan out his ideas, but was surprised when he was yanked back a little.

While the teacher had been reflecting, the green side had latched onto his arm, desperate for warmth, and was NOT letting go…

“Uh-oh…” Logan tried twisting, pulling shaking, all to no avail. Remus had an iron grip on something he had wanted for so long.

An idea came to the teacher as he smirked, using his other hand to skitter at Remus’s side, ever so lightly, through the fabric of his sweater.

Sleepy giggles slipped from the duke as his body started shimmying away from the tickling feeling. “Nohohohoho…” His chuckles sent a wave of warmth through the teacher, and with a determined grin, his skittering turned into full-on scratching and squeezing.

Remus’s eyes snapped open as his hands released. “AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! STOHOHOPIIHIHIT!” He looked up to identify his attacker but… no one was there.

“Huh?” The mustached man sat up, looking around his room to find everything as it was, except his speakers were off, and his journal was shifted a little.

“Who in the name of Zeus would- oh, ooooh owie… here comes the headache…” Luckily, the green side passed out again before he could hear the snickering coming from just outside his door.

***

The next morning, all the sides had a present under the tree for them from Santa. Remus wasn’t surprised when there wasn’t one for him, and tried to act disappointed and pouty, even though he was delighted to get what he deserved. He reached into his sticky, smelly stocking, surprised to find no coal. Yet, he found a…

“Ribbon?” He cocked his head as the chatter from the others in the background died down to gentle murmurs, watching him.

The duke followed the green ribbon to a present under the tree. His façade fell.

“Oh, come on!” He balled his fists. “Who on earth gave me a present?! Why?!” He turned around to find the others backed against a wall. “I don’t deserve it!” He raked his hands through his hair.

“Wh-why don’t ya open it, k-kiddo?” Patton stuttered.

Remus looked down at the gift, scared at the indication that someone cared for him enough to forgive him for all his terrible acts and still give him a present.

He unwrapped it and felt tears prick at his eyes when he saw it was an especially made, Pickle-Poo-Lawns with Extra Onions and Toenails Deodorant. He opened the cap and it smelled even worse than his own creation.

It was AMAZING.

He turned and looked at the others who were all as shocked as him, except for one tie-wearing side, who gazed down at him with a sly smile.

Oh… OH. Maybe Remus could love after all.

@did-he-just-hiss-at-me

@cefsticklestoo

@all-my-fandoms-are-killing-me

@thestarswelcomemewithopenarms

@ollyollyoxinfree

@cooliofooliosanders

@bexxbeauty

#xmas #remus #fluff

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blackreesemajic · 4 years

Text

Social Distancing with a New Flame

✨💕 You just met a new boo and just when the vibes started flowing boom* 💥 💥 the world shuts down and quarantine is turned on. The honeymoon phase should be the time you and your person are going on dates, boo’d up in public, holding hands, and sucking each other's face every second of the day. 😘😘😘

Your mind is filled with a plethora of in-person activities y’all can be doing during this time to make the butterflies in your stomach flutter like they just popped a perk.

If your situation is anything like mine, You may feel like your coochie was just put on 90-day probation without your consent. Thank you to the reviews of Steve Harvey’s, “Act like a Lady, Think like a man.” And his toxic masculinity perpetuated in his book, I would have read it and MAYBE had been better prepared for THIS situation.

Remember, although times are hard right now it’s not always about sex! Your peach 🍑 may be yearning for that eggplant 🍆 but 30-90 days is not. that. long... of a wait to be intimate with someone.

You could be like one of those people who wait until marriage…

No shade, but I am not one of those people.

I’m the, “Bring that ass here boi!” type of people.

The CDC recommends that we “Stay Calm” during this time quarantine.

It sounds unrealistic to me. 😒

How can we stay calm when our sexual desires are all over the place.

There are three things we are ALL doing during this time if we are not daydreaming about the outside land.

We spend all day bouncing that ass from Insta to Facebook, Twitter to Tumblr then back to Insta again…

Log on to our ex’s Netflix account and be entertained by the white Trashery of Tiger King and then see the same trashery in the White House to remind us the world has gone straight to SHITS...

Lastly, switching to Private mode on our phones and visiting pornhub.com or xvideos.com to see who is offering the best free subscription.

Trust me, I’m right there with you!

Just because social distancing is in effect does not mean you have to distance your heart.

Let’s use this time to get to know each other on a personal level.

Isolation could be causing your energies to yearn for one another louder than ever. You may even have a heightened craving of intimacy during this time. This time in quarantine can be beneficial to your dating life if you consider yourself someone who is, “Shy or Introverted” or are attracted to people who are. Many people with introverted personalities would prefer getting to know each other over the phone or on a virtual date. This is the time to bring back genuine connections, open and honest conversations, and my ALL TIME FAVORITE… Falling asleep on the phone.

[[Pieces of Reese: If he in quarantine at “his crib” but can only talk to you during certain hours or when he steps outside… He in quarantine with someone else, sis. LET HIM GO! ]] 🔑 😒

Here are some tips to keep the flame lit, tea hot, and coffee dripping down your lips. So that when you and your new boo do get back together the connection is stronger than ever!

1. Self Healing and Reflecting: I know. I know. You were so excited because you feel like you could have finally met your “PERSON”. And now, You can’t even see them in-person. Your mind starts to ponder so many “What the fucking Ifs!” “What if they get bored with me?” “What if they lose interest?” “What if they have multiple quarantine boo’s” “What if they catch corona and die?!!!” I know it sounds fucking crazy but its a real fucking fear. You must remember that FEAR stands for False Evidence Appearing Real!

I NEED YOU TO IMMEDIATELY; Reset your mind and Refocus yourself.

Now is the time you must remind yourself that “YOU ARE THAT BITCH!” Use this time to get to know you. Get healthy Physically, Mentally, and Emotionally... If being in a relationship/ situationship is what you desire at the end of all of this. Use the time to make yourself WHOLE. Thou can’t pick up broken glass without cutting the hand that is trying to put the pieces back together.

[[ “We don’t fear being alone. We fear getting to know the parts of ourselves we didn’t know before.” - Pieces of Reese ]]

Pick up a pen and paper and write: Write a letter to yourself. Write in your diary. Write to your person. Write your feelings. Write yourself daily affirmations and post them on your bathroom mirror so that you see them every day. Get connected with the feelings behind your everyday thoughts.

Set a routine; Whatever the routine looks like to you, set it! There is no amount of work you need to force yourself to meet society’s sense of productivity. The routine is only in place to keep your body prepared for what the universe has to offer you once this is all done.

2. Virtual Dates: It seems crazy but having a virtual date can be romantic and is also cost-efficient. If you or your partner want to be extravagant you can rotate turns ordering the other person a meal (Be sure to leave your delivery person a decent tip for working through these hard times). You can both go into your own kitchens and cook each other your favorite meal. Make something you will want your person to try when you are in one space. Try describing the taste of the meal, who taught you how to make it, and why it is your favorite. Adding wine or alcohol loosens things up and being alone could make you more comfortable with being yourself on the date. A great website to get the conversation going: www.goalcast.com/2018/04/19/deep-questions-to-ask-your-partner/amp/

3. Share what you see: If you are a lover of music, videos, Memes, or GIFs, Do NOT be afraid to share it with your person. With everything that is happening in the world currently, Now is the perfect time to make someone smile and laugh. Remember that MENTAL HEALTH is real! For people who suffer from Mental Health Illness, forced isolation calls for undesired thoughts of not being wanted. Show your person they are the first person you thought of when you have seen or heard something. Make them feel like, you couldn’t wait to send it to them. Let them know they are not alone during this time. You are their person

4. If you are adventurous: Video or Phone sex has never got anyone left on READ. It actually gets you a callback.

It's safe, sexy, and Kinky AS FUCK! Call your friends who love BDSM to teach you a thing or two. Virtual sex allows you to push the boundaries between you and your partner. It makes each person excited for what's to come when you are in one space.

You can set the mood for your virtual hook up by lighting candles, having your space neat, camera angles must be on point, and start off with a striptease to get the eggplant ripe and keep the peach juicy.

Playing a ”If I miss, I Strip. If you miss, You strip.” [if you know, you know ❤️ + 🏀 ] type of game may relax you and your partner. Of course, Make it specific to you and yours. Don’t forget to have your #BlackReeseMajic music playlist ready. If you don’t have a music playlist visit my apple music/ Spotify to follow any of mine

5. Lastly, Optional, and specific for my Spiritual Souls who believe in the power of Manifestation: ✨💕✨💕✨💕

[You do not have to have a person already to do this step. If you are someone hoping to find your quarantine boo or keep the one you have then this is for you]

Step One: is to start by writing out everything you want in your person. Qualities, Attributes, Values, and Looks (if you believe in detail). Remember to write out how you want to be treated by your person. If you want to go the extra step. You can write what ‘You’ will be able to offer to your person. Once you have produced the person you desire in the concrete sense,

Step Two: is to call on your spirits guides, ancestors, and higher power to bring forth your ask. Some things you may need to connect with the spiritual realm but are not required are 1.Pink Candle (Pink candles personify the purest form of love, a love without selfishness with selfless emotions, are ideal for the beginning of a relationship), 2. Herbs or Essential oils [if you have] have a centuries-long history of symbolizing love and devotion (Lavender, Rose, Basil, Calendula...etc). 3. Sage: “Sage is known to have healing properties and with the power of intention and spiritual connection with the source of all existence, the burning of Sage assists with healing and clearing.” 4. Offering: Clean and freshwater is the simplest form of offering. You can also offer coins, jewelry, fruits, anything appealing to the spirits. 5. Bell or anything that makes noise (can be your voice)

And Step Three: Have a table or space specific for intentions or manifestation. With a clear mind, body, and soul begin my thanking creation for all that you already have. I like to place my “person desires” list under my pink candle. I sprinkle my herbs around and inside my candle. I use a couple of drops of my essential oils for fragrance (Spirits love good smelling things). I make my spiritual space as pretty as possible (Glitter is enticing to spirits and crystals deepens the vibrations). I give the offering (usually freshwater, money, or coins). I chant (Chanting is specific to you. If you need help with a chant I usually say, “All praises to the most high. God, Spirits, Creation, and Ancestors, I thank you for everything you have done and everything you continue to do. I offer you my purest self and this alter to bring forth my ask…” I burn my sage (smell, clarity, and guidance to myself and spirits), and finally, I light my pink love candle.

I let my candle burn for a whole day or I light it every day for a few hours then blow it out.

I hope this tea has filled your soul the way writing it has filled mine. Stay at home if you can and stay safe during this time.

If you are someone who lost a loved one from complications of COVID19, I pray for healing and peace over your life. I am sending EACH and every one of you Light and Love from the depths of my soul.

Spread Light and Love Every day! ✨💕

PEACE & Be The.

Sincerely, Pieces of Reese

Sources:

https://www.miracleswithinus.com/the-spiritual-side-of-sage.html

https://dontmesswithmama.com/essential-oils-for-romance-love/

https://www.thespruce.com/herb-meanings-in-love-and-romance-1761964

https://www.sisterlove.org/post/keeping-it-safe-and-sexy-covid19

#Blackreesemajic piecesofreese

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howveryheather · 5 years

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good time (the 2010s + me)

10 years of Heather... YESSSSSSS.

I mulled over various drafts of what you’re going to read today.

There was a draft where I summed up everything, literally everything, that happened to me over the last 10 years. The more I read that draft, the more it felt increasingly like a diary entry that did not warrant publishing of any kind.

I had a draft where I was only going to recap the good things that happened to me. That read like I had the world’s worst blinders on.

I weebled, I wobbled, I tried to organize my thoughts using bullet points. None of it worked and all of it sounded like noise, even though I was technically going in order of the last 10 years. So, I’m just going to keep it simple and focus on the basics.

I went on two pivotal journeys in the last 10 years. The first is the start of my writing career and the second was repaying my student loans. Note that the latter half of that sentence is written in past tense. In 2019, after nine years in debt, I paid off all my loans in full!

I want to talk about the loan journey first because it had an expiration date, even though I did used to think I was gonna die with those loans. Rather than sound like a broken record rehashing the story of how I paid everything off again, I want to share two aspects of paying off student debt that nobody talks about online.

The first one is that once it happens, after your debt is paid in full, you’re not rich. You have a little more money every month, but you can’t go out and change your lifestyle radically. If anything, you have to remain in place a little bit longer and remain on a budget. There’s certainly irony in debt repayment. The debt is gone, but you are not exactly free yet. You have to recoup the losses.

The other aspect of student loans is how quickly you forget about it once it’s paid off. And I mean all of it — the emotions and experience associated with loan statements and making monthly payments. I spent years lying in bed unable to sleep at night stressed out about my loans. I never think about it now.

Paying off my debt alone was really difficult, but deep down I think I always knew that this was going to be my journey. My debt was not going to disappear, no matter how much I wished for a genie’s lamp or hoped a dead relative would throw me some bones in a will or I could magically find a spouse to marry who would assume the payments for me. I made a lot of lifestyle sacrifices to get out of debt. I prepared a few years in advance because I knew that what was ahead was going to be miserable. I remained disciplined, I treated my life with a Spartan mentality, and I crawled my way out under the 10-year deadline to freedom. Sometimes that’s what freedom looks like. It’s not a climb or a sprint to a finish line. It’s a crawl.

Onward to writing!

I was still in college at the start of 2010. Back then, I was an extremely green writer with few clips under my belt outside of an internship at the Ventura County Star and a column in The Echo (CLU’s newspaper). As a post graduate, every writing experience I have had has been a combination of good luck, timing, location, and the willingness to push myself and work hard.

Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to write in the entertainment space. I always loved reading the pop culture section of the USA Today and soaked up my subscriptions to Entertainment Weekly and Premiere Magazine like a sponge. I was determined to break into entertainment however I could, and I got in on the ground floor of BettyConfidential and HelloGiggles as a contributing writer in 2011.

The early 2010s was a short-lived timeline before most of the major media moguls began buying these sites out. I remember this time as one — and everyone who started during this time will say the exact same thing, trust me — where everyone really was each other’s friend in the media space. Content felt fresh. It was new. It was also really kind. There was a lot of room to share your story and experience and receive incredible, positive feedback from readers.

BettyConfidential... What a wonderful group! Was there anything better than waking up at 5 AM the morning after the Golden Globes to email over my best-dressed picks? (Sometimes emailed over the night before, I must admit.) I wrote my heart out in that LA Correspondent gig, covering fashion and celebrity news. It gave me so many opportunities to lead the kind of life most people who move to California never get the chance to have. I had the good fortune to go to red carpet events and awards ceremonies and gifting suites and sit in on movie sets and chat with celebrities (often in more candid spaces than is the norm) that I would never have had otherwise. Betty gave me a much-needed glimpse behind the camera of celebrity and the etiquette for how to be a reporter in this space. My experience at HelloGiggles differed from Betty in that it was much more social media driven. That was definitely the site where you earned your following and found your people in the Twitter space.

Collectively between Betty and HG, my favorite memories were...

1) The first time I went to New York City to cover Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week. I went to as many shows as I possibly could in Lincoln Center, took photos with my iPhone, stayed up writing and writing with my photos at the hotel afterwards, and did it all over again the next day for 3-4 days. I also packed very poorly for February 2012 weather. A trench coat and flats in 20 degree weather with snow... but I still looked good!

2) I went to an event celebrating L’Oreal’s 40th anniversary of their “Because I’m Worth It” tagline (an early foreshadowing of my future in writing in advertising). I wrote a nice article about the event, shared the story, and went about my merry way into the rest of my workload. A few weeks later, I received a gift in the mail from their team: a huge gift card to Saks Fifth Avenue! There has never been a Cinderella moment in my life quite like the way I spent this gift card. I went to the Saks Fifth Avenue in Beverly Hills and bought a beautiful designer day dress that I wore everywhere (and still have in my closet).

3) The first time I went to, and covered, the Pillsbury Bake-Off for HelloGiggles. (Look at all that foreshadowing!) The Pillsbury Bake-Off is such a delightful experience and not just because there’s a life-size Pillsbury Doughboy walking around either. The events are held in hotels with convention-sized rooms where one can fit 100 ovens. 100 finalists all bake at the same time and compete for a chance to win a million dollars with their recipe. Bake it like you mean it! I even had dinner one table away from Martha Stewart at the Orlando Bake-Off.

I tried not to decline any opportunities. I made everything work, as much as I could. As far as regrets go, the only event I turned down was an opportunity to go backstage and cover the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. The logistics and timing were really off. There was absolutely no way I could have flown to New York in time for it... but I will always wonder what if!

In a post-Betty and HG world, which is where I was in 2014 when both gigs wrapped, I began pivoting toward a new vertical: advertising. My discussions with Advertising Week began in late 2014 and I started writing for the website in 2015. Initially, this was a situation where I filled in the gaps with whatever content I was asked to write. A lot of it had pop culture tie-ins with Mad Men. (Shout out to my brain for already being a fan of the series and intricately understanding the ins and outs of its characters that tied in with advertising’s heyday!)

The first major series of articles I worked on were sponsored by Adobe, so there was an increased expectation to go above and beyond in the manner I wrote, the amount of research conducted in each article, and understanding the audience. I was ready to meet the challenge and was met with high praise for this hard work. During this time, I also briefly worked in transcription for Flaunt Magazine. I transcribed interviews for one of their writers, which made me feel as though I came a little full circle yet again to entertainment.

In March 2015, I received the opportunity to go to Chicago to the Museum of Broadcast Communications. It was for an event called “A Salute to Advertising’s Greatest Icons” which honored 10 of the greatest brand mascots in advertising. My favorite character, the Pillsbury Doughboy, was one of the honorees. Even more exciting, the creator of the Doughboy Rudy Perz would be in attendance. I immediately asked AW if I could cover the event and they agreed. However, a great tragedy occurred days before the event. Rudy passed away. I was completely crushed. As a lifelong Doughboy fan, I realized I would never get the chance to tell him how much of an impact that character had in my life.

In the 24 hours I spent in Chicago, I got to tour the museum space, meet and spend time in the studio of JoBe Cerny (the voice behind the Doughboy’s giggle!), and attend the event and its dinner. Each menu course was inspired by the 10 brand mascots. It was so much fun! I promptly wrote up the article and gave it to my bosses.

This article sparked the beginning of how I have carved a name out for myself in advertising. Brand mascots. We started discussing how to create content about characters, which I jumped at the chance to write. Before long, I had written so many character-based articles that the content spilled over the website. It required its own platform, PopIcon, which officially launched in 2016.

The greatest joy of my writing career so far has undoubtedly been PopIcon. There is so much to cover that I have gone through stages in writing. The initial stages of introducing the character to the world, the stage of updating everyone on the character’s current events (these critters are more active than you think!), and the historical narrative behind the mascot. There is only so much information a PR person can provide you before you can’t work with a one-sheet condensed timeline anymore. You have to get out there and behave like a journalist, finding creatives to talk to and share their stories. My favorite thing is when someone tells me that they have nothing to say. Then, they launch into a narrative of what life behind the scenes was like animating Lefty from Hamburger Helper or recruiting a voiceover actor for an ad campaign. That’s a lot to say! There is no absolutely story that is too small. Every bit of it is history and it has a place to be shared.

I struggle to pick my favorite PopIcon piece. At any given point, every article I have written has been my favorite. They are all jewels in a crown to me, which is a unique way to view your writing. Really, it’s how I hope every writer views their body of work as it grows and progresses.

However, if you must read anything... try these pieces on for size!

Leo Burnett’s Oral History, As Told By 8 Former Creatives (Part One & Two)

Putting The “Kool” Back In Kool-Aid

How Seth Werner Turned A Cluster Of Grapes Into The California Raisins

Monsters! A Brief History Of The Monster Cereals Icons

Ken Stewart, Creator Of The Coca-Cola Polar Bears, Reflects On Their 25th Anniversary

AW has been responsible for sending me back to New York City. In 2017, I went to New York to attend my first #AWNewYork event. My articles ran in their print publication, I hosted a panel, and I appeared on NASDAQ’s Closing Bell ceremonies live on CNBC and HLN. In 2018, I did the same rounds plus an Icons Gala which I worked on at the same time I was paying off my student loans. The Icons Gala was a massive success and I am so proud of it because it was really tough work. And in 2019, I came back for another #AWNewYork event and celebrated with all my mascot buddies once again.

Outside of PopIcon, I have my hand stuck in a series of freelance honey pots. I always like to keep the wheel rotating, as a means of avoiding stagnation and growing my work. It never ceases to amaze me where the wheel naturally rotates next. I wrote for Brit + Co when I lived in Orange County in 2016. I had a few pieces run on The Drum. I wrote for Ed2010 for two years, which felt like a return to my roots because Ed was the reason I got in with BettyConfidential. I still write with Business Insider, Coin, and Fairygodboss, all outlets I’ve been with for a few years now (minus Coin which started in 2019). Weirdly enough, I was fact checked in an obituary this year in The New York Times.

“Dabble in something new” was my fortune I received from a fortune cookie in the spring of 2019. Good timing. What could I do next that felt new? Where could I start to grow?

I have had my eye on weddings for awhile now, in more ways than one. You can’t help but notice when everyone you know is getting married. You really can’t help it when you’ve been a bridesmaid three times. When I think of the last frontiers of verticals where pure joy exists, it all goes back to basic life rituals. Marriage is one seeped in love, history, and etiquette. I started writing with the aptly-named wedding app Joy a few months ago. Finally, I was able to break into modern wedding editorial.

That has been the last ten years of my writing career, in a nutshell. Upon writing this out, I realized just how lucky and fortunate I am that everything looks so neatly tied together. The gaps have been few and far in between. Regardless of what was going on in my personal life or when things were difficult, doors kept opening for me. And I did everything I could to walk in when it happened.

Doesn’t it look like the land of Oz over here sometimes? It has been 10 years. If you juggled this much writing on top of a full-time job, nonstop for a decade while aging from a twentysomething into your thirties, you would probably run into some issues keeping your self-sustained sausage factory running. It’s not a realistic story if the heroine isn’t facing growing pains.

I am not a perfect writer. I’m never going to act like the Heather cup of tea is for everyone to drink up because it’s not.

I have had countless nights where I have been up late writing, researching, or editing drafts. My interviews with creatives sometimes last for a few hours. I have procrastinated my workload until the last possible minute, leaving me frantically pinned against a wall pushing all the puzzle pieces around until they fit in the eleventh, in the twelfth, hour.

I’ve had my brain switch completely off into a “duhhhhhhhh” setting. In this setting, I shut myself in and watch reruns of TV shows I have already seen before. I have to mentally peace out from the world. This is because operating at eleven every single day takes a lot out of you.

I have been rejected by a few outlets. Totally happens. I have also been told I am overqualified on more than one occasion.

In 2019, I finally seized the opportunity to buy my domain, which was not previously available, and create a space for my work.

I’ve learned a lot about one other person in the last decade: myself.

I know exactly who I am. I’ve hit reset on my life multiple times over the last 10 years, switching jobs, cities, and freelance work. I can reinvent some of me, but I can never leave myself behind. Nor would I ever want to do that. I love myself. She is still a work in progress, but it is progress I will do anything for, even if it means crawling alone for years on end. I do it for her.

Everything is up to timing. In time, everything will be as it is supposed to. That time will be the right time.

If you are ever unsure of what to do next, look to the past for guidance. Everything I loved as a child is coming full circle into my life as an adult.

I think the greatest thing I can do, now and in the next decade, is to continually work at making the younger version of me happy with her adult self. If the 10-year-old version of you could see you now, what would she think? Would she be proud of the person you grew up to become? Certainly I think the younger version of me is probably a little upset I don’t read as many books as I did in my Scholastic book club days (I’m working on it!). But, I do think she would be pleased with the woman I am in 2019. The things I have already accomplished and feathers in my hat. My personality and work ethic. The dreams ahead of me and the goals I still have left to achieve.

While I have no idea where I will go in the next 10 years, I am excited to see everything that comes my way in 2020 and beyond. I will keep writing. I will keep working. And I will continue to keep not telling anyone what I’m doing until it happens. I have found life is a lot more fun when you whip out a good, unconventional “surprise!” on everyone that nobody saw coming.

Keep your pen at the ready. It’s gonna be a good time.

#personal #2010s

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luke-skywalker-is-trans · 6 years

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For the trans ask game, can I cheat and just say all of them.. because I am a very curious person and I want to know it all (or just the ones you feel like doing!)

Aaah yay thank you!!! I really loved this ask memeHow did you choose your name?So I had been using a different name for like a year when I first came out and I just wasn’t feelin it y’know??? Jason is close to my dead name so I knew my parent would appreciate that cause they love my dead name a lot. But also (and this is dumb forgive me) Jason Todd and Jason Grace were characters that I loved and identified with and I just sorta felt drawn to the name :)What gives you the most dysphoria? (Acknowledging that not all trans people experience dysphoria)Uuuuugh 100% how short I am 🙄 I hate it so muchDo you have more physical dysphoria or more social dysphoria? Physical :P I’m short with a phat ass and thicc thighs and it’s a messWhat do you do to perform self-care when you're feeling dysphoric?This is probably more aggressive than typical self care but I force myself I stare at myself in a mirror and find every masculine thing about myself and focus on thatWhat was the first time you suspected you were transgender?I was around 7 I think and I was at the lake with my parents and a bunch of their friends. So my mom and all the wives were at the front of the boat and my dad and all the husbands were off the back of the boat! For some reason I identified a lot more with the men of the group and I have this weirdly clear memory of being really jealous of their armpit hairWhen did you realize you were transgender?I didn’t have a word for it but there was an episode of House where a little “girl” came in because of abdominal pain or something and they found out the kid was intersex and gave them the choice to live as a boy because of their genitals being more “male” or whatever and they did it! And I remember watching that as a kid and hoping that I would wake up one day and have a penis or a doctor would one day be like oh whoops! We messed up! You’ve been male this whole time! I was probably like 8 or 9 when that happenedWhat is your favorite part of being transgender?Belonging to a community where we are all united by this similar experience :) it’s like a familyHow would you explain your gender identity to others?I’m a guy like 100% How did you come out? If you didn't come out, why do you stay in the closet? Or what happened when you were outed?I slowly came out over a few years. I sat my mom down and told her and we cried and it was a mess, I sent my dad and step mom a 80+ slide PowerPoint, I sent emails to certain people! Fortunately I’ve never been outedWhat have your experiences with packing or wearing breast forms been?I ordered a packer a few years ago and it was so bulky and awkward and I just looked like I had a huge boner so I never worse it again 😂What are your experiences with binding or tucking?I’ve been binding since high school and my ribs are a little warped because of it :P luckily my chest is already pretty small (like a cup small) so I’ve gotten away with not binding in public if I just wear a big hoodie or shirt. Do you pass?About 99% of the time I do! But every once in a while I get called ma’am and I wanna dieWhat (if any) steps do you want to take to medically transition?I want top surgery so bad I wanna screamHow long have you been out?For about 8 years :)What labels have you used before you've settled on your current set?Ugh all of them basically! Lesbian, gay, pan, ace, bi. I’m the entire acronym lolHave you ever experienced transphobia?God yes 🙄 I had a boss at a job in college who would dead name me constantly and when I’d correct him he said if I wanted to “play make believe” I could do it on my own timeWhat do you do when you have to go to the bathroom in public?I’ve been exclusively using the men’s room for about 4 years nowHow does your family feel about your trans identity?Well I haven’t spoken to my mom in 3 or 4 years soooooooooBut my dad is cool with it!!Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why do you choose to be stealth?I don’t think I know what this meansWhat do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans? I wish I could just tell my self what being trans is cause my biggest problem as a kid was that I just had no idea this existed Why do you use the pronouns you use?I use he/him because they’re traditionally masculine or male and they make me feel like a man :)Do your neurodivergencies affect your gender?Sometimes my anxiety is like lmao you’re faking for attention or whatever and I’m like ???? I’m literally not What's your biggest trans-related fear?Being killed first off. But on a less extreme level, I’m terrified of being with a person romantically and they just treat me like a girl or like I’m not a real boy and tbh this has already happened to me a couple times. I just don’t want it to happen againWhat medical, social, or personal steps have you already taken to start your transition?I’ve been on T for three years now, I’ve been going my Jason for about 6 years, I present as male 100% of the time and in all of my work and school stuff everyone calls me jason and uses he/himWhat do you wish cis people understood?That I was never a girl, I wasn’t “born a girl” and then became a boy. I was born a boy but because of my body people just assumed I was a girl but I wasn’t and never was and never will be. Also you don’t have to be bi or pan to be attracted to me. If you’re attracted to men you can be attracted to meWhat impact has being trans affected your life?I’ve lost most of my family and I’m low key terrified all the time about being hurt or rejected because of itWhat do you do to validate yourself?Same mirror thing lolHow do you feel about trans representation in media?Well most of it is hell problematic and we deserve so much better. As a trans actor it especially pisses me offWho is the transgender person who has influenced you the most?I read Chaz Bono’s book my freshman year of high school and it really helped me understand a lot of things when I was first coming outHow are you involved with the trans community, IRL or online?Not as much as I would like to be :(How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years? Hopefully by then I’ll have had top surgery! Still presenting and identifying the way I do nowWhat trans issue are you most passionate about?Free or affordable access to medical transition stuff like hormones and surgeries. Also as an actor trans representation in the mediaWhat advice would you give to other trans people, or what message would you like to share with them?No one is worth your comfort. If someone stops loving you because of your identity then they don’t love YOU they love their idea of youHow do you feel your gender interacts with your race, disability, class, weight, etc. from the perspective of intersectionality?I’m thin and white and I recognize my privilege with thatWhat, if any, is the difference between your gender identity and your gender expression?I love makeup and “feminine” fashion and shit like thatDo you feel more masculine, feminine, or neither?Masculine but I love fem things so 🤷🏻‍♂️What is your sexual and romantic orientation, and what are your thoughts on it?I’m bi with a leaning towards men! I dunno it’s kinda whateverIs your ideal partner also trans, or do you not have a preference? I’ve dated two trans people and one cis persona and I totally preferred dating trans people just because they understand feeling cis people just dontHow did/do you manage waiting to transition? God it was horrible. I found my diary from when I was like 17/18 and all it was was me talking about how if I don’t get to transition I’d dieWhat is the place (blog, website, forum, IRL space) you get most of your info on being trans or on trans related things? Tumblr probably, also Twitter. Do you interact with other trans people IRL?I have one whole trans friend that I actively talk to :’) but I really value her friendship so muchAre you involved in any trans-related activism?Currently no but when I move to New York I plan on being more involved!Free space! Answer any question you want, or make up your own question to answer.When I came out to my dad I slept for 9 hours and he said it was like I could finally breath relax and rest after holding everything in for so long

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lovemesomesurveys · 6 years

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Think back to yesterday, what were you doing around this time? I think I was eating and watching TV with my mom.

What was the last thing you watched on the TV? I’m watching Dr. Phil.

Do you think pets can get annoying easily? Aw, no! I probably am the one annoying my dog haha. She’ll be sleeping and she’s just so cute that I want to cuddle or pet her and she’ll wake up and give me this irritated look hahaha. Did you know that pickles have no calories? I think you’re wrong.

Do you enjoy family get togethers? Yes.

In a group of three, do you often feel like the third wheel? I always felt like a 3rd wheel.

What color are your pants? I’m wearing gray leggings. Is there snow on the ground where you are? It doesn’t snow here. What is keeping you warm right now? I’m not wanting to be warm, hence why I have the fan blowing on me. Has anyone bought you a piece of jewelry? Yes. How far away is your next birthday? 2 ½ months. Do you have plans for that birthday yet? Nope. Do you think it’s attractive for a man to wear eyeliner? I used to have a thing for it when I was like 16 and in my emo phase lol. When did you last take a shower? Yesterday.

Have you ever been to the Grand Canyon? No. Have you ever flown somewhere alone? No. Are you more serious or funny? It varies. Is there someone that annoys you but you haven’t told them? There’s some things people do that annoy me that I haven’t told them about. When is garbage day in your area? Today.

Who/What was the last thing to really irritate you? Meh it was something stupid.

Do you think people either love or hate spongebob? Sure. Have you seen that new “Lie To Me” show? Nope. What is something you’d rather be doing right now? I’m fine doing this. Do you find that people are too hard on you? No one is harder on me than me. Do you take surveys often? Yeppp.

Who was the last person you yelled at? *shrug*

Do you tend to slam things around when you’re mad? No. Do you know anyone who hates/dislikes chocolate? Yes. Do you know anyone who is racist? No. Could you vote in this last election? Yep and I did.

Have you taken a shower today? No. How much sleep did you get last night? Almost 10 hours. :O Hahah but omg it was crazy because I woke up at 630AM thinking it was 630PM and was trippin out thinking that I had slept for 20 something hours. I went out in the living room and the lights were all off, which I thought was odd, but it still wasn’t clicking. My dad comes out dressed for work, but he gets home around that time at night from work so that wasn’t odd and I asked him why all the lights were on and he’s like, “Uh, because it’s 630 in the morning....” It was crazy. Do you have more girl friends or guy friends? Girls. What is your current mood? I’m still tired. Is there anything on your mind at the moment? I’m thinking about what I want to do next. Are there any movies out that you’d like to see? I want to see Deadpool 2 this weekend. Have you ever been on a website called Stickam? No. Have you ever hated yourself? That’d be my regular state of mind. <<<<<< Are you hungry? No, I just ate. Did your parents ever ground you? Once. Where was the last place you went out to eat? IHOP.

Have you ever felt like you needed a better life than the one you have? Yes. Do you own an MP3 player of some kind? I still have an iPod Touch, but it’s been put away in a drawer since like 2013/2014. I’ve used my phone for music ever since then. Do you have a moment in your life you wish you could replay over again? Nah. Have you ever been in a play? If so, did you like it? No. What is one musical artist you wish wasn’t making music? Meh. If I don’t like them I just won’t listen to them. <<<<< When was the last time you cleaned something? I cleaned my laptop keyboard a bit ago. Have you ever been so sick you had to be taken to the hospital? Not to the hospital, but to urgent care. Do you like your smile? Nope. Do you have someone that you think truly understands you? No. When was the last time you doubted yourself? Always. Is there anything currently bothering you? Not at this current moment. Would you say that you’ve got something ‘special’ about you? No.

Who was the last person to cheer you up when you were down? My pup. Are you scared of what you do not know? Yes.

Is there anything in the next six months that you’re looking forward to? No. Were you/are you popular in high school? I wasn’t and that was perfectly fine with me.

Do you really care what people think about you? Unfortunately. Less than I used to though. <<<<< Same. Do you find yourself treating others like you’d want to be treated? Yes.

Are you constantly envious of others? Not constantly. Are you more of a whiner with things or a do’er of things? I can be both. List three of your favorite TV shows: Catfish, Dr. Phil, I Love Lucy. Would your friends say you’re a relaxed person or stressed? Stressed. What do you find yourself worrying most about these days? Health related things as always. Would you say it’s hard to earn your trust? No, I wouldn’t say that. Who was the last person to compliment you? *shrug* Anything interesting happen this past week? Nope. When was the last time you felt scared? I don’t recall. What’s on your mind this very second? This question about what’s on my mind. Do you know the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’? Yes. Do you correct other people’s grammar/spelling when talking to them online? No. Is bacon one of your favorite foods? I don’t like bacon. Are you one of those people who like to sleep in on the weekends? I sleep in everyday. Do you like things Vampire related? I mean, I enjoyed shows like True Blood and The Vampire Diaries. Have you ever cussed at a parent or teacher? No. When was the last time you saw snow? Uhhh. It’s been years. Have you ever felt stupid after saying something? All the time. Do you find yourself cold at the moment? No. Are your nails currently long? They never are.

Are you the kind of person who does not like talking about their past? I dwell too much on my past. Do you have long slender fingers or short chunky ones? Slender. Do you think your foot size fits your body type? Yeah? Are you the competitive type? No. Are you more of a mommy’s person or a daddy’s person? Mama’s girl.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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savingprivatehailey-blog · 4 years

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jan 7 2021

no one follows me on here and im not even gonna use any tags cause i’d like to treat this like my personal online diary (typing is easier than writing)

all my alcohol is gone and i can’t drink anymore. i knew i was going to revert back to my old teenage ways, and in some ways i think my alcoholism is actually healthier than whatever the hell i do on here

i wish i never discovered this stupid fucking website

i wish i never started talking to my ex again -- that’s a lie, i love him, but he makes me want to blow my brains out (he’s my FP - i love having borderline)

i am talking to this pretty girl and i hope to make her my gf once covid relaxes

here’s to losing 30 pounds by july, hopefully

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charestyoohoo · 4 years

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Detention on St-Denis

May 27, 2012

The night I am arrested is a warm spring night, the thirtieth night of continuous protests to be exact. It’s the day after the May 22 rally that inspired over 200,000 people to walk through the streets of Montreal. My friend Paul and I are riding our bikes in the demo. We talk about the people around us, their families, their children; about how happy we are, how incredible it is to be marching here, and how much we love the city. The crowd moves fast. Unlike the other nights we’ve marched, which felt tense and uncomfortable, tonight is jovial and vibrant.

We get off our bikes at Rue St-Denis. Boom! We hear a blast, and a cloud of smoke hovers over the intersection. I’m not sure where we are. People start running toward me.

“Get your fucking bike out of the way!”

I try to run north on St-Denis in the direction of the crowd, but they start to head toward me, pushing me back. I yell for Paul. “Please don’t leave,” I say, as we both try to maneuver our bikes northwest, but there’s no getting them above the high curb and through the throng of bodies. North of us are two rows of Montreal police (Service de Police de la Ville de Montréal, or SVPM). We’re turning around to go back down when the tear gas grips the back of my throat. I wrap my shawl around my nose and mouth, scrambling and anxious, wondering what the fuck is going on. I feel like I’m going in a circle. Suddenly the police are charging us, and I try to run the other way, but the bike is unwieldy and I’m nervous I will lose Paul. The cops start shoving from the other side, and every time I turn my head there are more cops with masks and shields lunging toward us, smoke hanging overhead, until there’s no way out. Then it starts again: “MOVE, MOVE, MOVE, MARCHE, MARCHE.” So we move, but more cops on the other side are shouting the same thing from the other direction. I hold onto Paul’s arm, unable to think, dizzy from tear gas and anxiety, my heart pounding through my rib cage. Every time I move one way, I am pushed back the other way. I tighten my shawl for fear of more tear gas and can hardly stand. We ask the cops if we can lock our bikes to a stand. We beg enough that they concede, and then promptly shove us back into the streets. I imagine this may be the last time I see my bicycle.

“What’s happening?” I ask.

“I think we were just kettled,” Paul says.

“What? No, after the G20, they’re not allowed to do that.”

“Oh, I think they just did.”

I don’t believe him.

We stand around for a while. I tweet uncertainties. Everyone is milling about in a circle. People start shouting chants about freedom and civil liberties. Eventually most of us sit down.

I sit in silence, staring at everyone around me. Their faces are at ease, comfortable.

“What do you think is going to happen?”

“I don’t know—they’ll probably arrest us.”

“They can’t arrest us all . . . there’s so many of us.”

“Sure they can,” Paul says, and walks off.

I let him go and stay on the curb, hugging my knees to my chest, waiting. When Paul comes back, I tell him to sit beside me. We watch a makeshift football game with a ball made out of a plastic bottle.

Paul notes that several public buses have arrived.

“Why?” I ask.

“To transport us.”

People start getting up, and I hear a police officer announcing something.

“ . . . anything you say may be used against you in a court of law. . .”

“The cats!” I suddenly remember.

“Yes?”

“I left them without food because I’m trying to put them on a diet!”

“Can you call any friends to feed them?”

“I will call my superintendent, but it’s so late, and what will I say? I got arrested, will you please feed my cats?”

“We should line up,” Paul says to me. “Imagine how long it’s going to take to process everyone. If we line up now, we’ll get out earlier.”

I grab his shoulder as he leads me up to the front, where some elderly people are already in line. I am nervous. There’s so much misinformation about where we’re going, where we will be held, what we are getting arrested for, and whether Bill 78 will be enacted. No one seems to know and the cops say something different every time.

I walk up.

“Do you have ID?”

“Yes,” I reply as one of the cops searches my bag.

“What a mess in there,” he mutters in French to his colleague.

They find my ID, search me, grab my shoulders to turn me around, and handcuff my wrists together.

Two policemen walk me to the line by the bus, holding my purse, and wait until it’s my turn to get on. They write down my identification information and give me a wristband with a number to claim my purse later. I sit down and wait. The bus fills up with people younger than me. Then we wait. Eventually, the bus starts moving and we drive, and drive, and drive. Once in northeast Montreal, we wait some more. The buses become holding cells. I feel sick—tear gas, nausea, and my bladder kicking in. Lightheaded, I ask a cop if I can go to the bathroom. She rolls her eyes and tells me to sit down. I ask again. I wait. I ask the other cops. Each insists that everyone on the bus has to urinate and that, like them, I have to wait.

“What if I pee my pants?”

“Then you have to live with it.”

“So then if I pee on the bus I won’t get in trouble?”

“Go away, you won’t do that.”

I return to my seat but the pain is unbearable.

I crouch down in the middle of the bus and a few women stand around me creating a human shield, while I pull down my leggings with my handcuffed hands — I piss, and I piss, and I keep pissing until the stream of urine rolls around the bus under everyone’s feet.

“You are brave. Be glad you did that. Fuck ’em.”

I smile sheepishly and appreciate the camaraderie, as the rest of the bus erupts in anger at the police.

“How can you let a woman pee on the bus? How can you treat us like animals?”

“Because you are. Shut up and stay put,” the police shout back, which only causes more yelling.

“A woman peed on the bus! A woman peed on the bus! You should be ashamed!” some of them chant in unison, but the police don’t even turn around to look at us. I watch my piss run back and forth. By now, another man is doing the same thing: flooding the bus with urine. Somehow this makes time pass more quickly. An hour later our bus pulls up to the processing table and a smiling policeman hands me a ticket as the morning sun hits my face.

That night over 400 people were arrested at Sherbrooke Avenue and Rue St-Denis. Most of us were given $634 tickets for breaking the newly revised municipal bylaw P-6, which, among other things, does not allow face coverings, such as the shawl I used, and requires that protest organizers submit exact march routes to the police. Free speech is now only free when the police grant us permission.

—Magdalena Olszanowski

At the time of writing, Magda was PhD student in Comms at Concordia. It is really hard read and a first hand testimonial to the police brutality and inhumane circumstances students faced when protesting. Police were (and still very much are) a violent arm of the government and the only violence we experienced was at the direction of Jean Charest and his government. Similar testimonials were shared on smaller publication websites (it was very rare that mainstream media published similar interviews, rarer still in English media publications). They were then shared widely amongst the student community.

Source: https://nplusonemag.com/online-only/online-only/montreal-diaries/

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langlangland-blog · 7 years

Text

Studying & Depression Tips

January 6th 2018 6/100 days of productivity

*Warning - Personal experiences with mental health issues are spoken about throughout this post, please do not read if you feel that you aren’t in a mindset which can deal with such matters at the moment.

I have missed a few days of 100 days of productivity and that is because I, as well as many other students, deal with mental illness and depression in my everyday life. That means that some days I have no motivation and nothing seems important, grades & working being the last thing on my mind.

I hope that me writing this post will show another side to the studyblr community and also make my blog, a platform to help people who share the same struggles as I do.

I realise that talking about such a sensitive and personal subject, on such a public platform, can be harmful, and for that I will try to discuss matters that are relevant to me in a brief and summarised manner (I am a natural over-sharer!) I also ask that if I make any mistakes, especially whilst discussing mental health, that I be corrected and forgiven in a respectful way - as I mean to cause no harm or offence. I am just trying to do my best in helping other students out there who feel the way I have felt.

Brief Current Experience With Studying & Mental Illness

Over the last few months (and still very currently) my ability to maintain a high level of academia & work ethic whilst dealing with my mental health has become a struggle more than ever before. My motivation has been very little and it hasn’t seemed to show any signs of improvement as I was hoping it would. This has left me in a rut, feeling as though I have wasted so much time procrastinating already that I can no longer change my fate (in my case my exam results) and this leads me on to my first step of being able to cope with these types of thoughts.

STEP 1 - FORGIVING YOUR PAST SELF & LETTING GO

Well folks, it says it in the title. I know that all those nights, days, months you have spent feeling like you’ve already failed can seem so overwhelming, to the point that you truly believe that there is nothing left to be done to save that grade or improve that score. I am here to tell you that, that, that right there, what you are doing, that is the only thing holding you back. Not the fact that for the last 3 months you have half-a*sed every essay, test, mock exam and assignment. The only thing NOW that is holding you back from getting the grade you want is your mindset, and specifically, the idea that you have already failed, because you haven’t. You can do anything. Start anything at any point and change your fate. You just have to forgive that person in the past who couldn’t do it, who couldn’t work as hard as they could of, who didn’t try hard enough, who simply didn’t want to try, that person isn’t who you are now, or who you can be tomorrow. You have to understand that with each day comes a new start, and that doing a tiny bit of work is an accomplishment. Let go of the past and focus on what you can start tomorrow, even if it isn’t all of what you wanted to do. Something really is better than nothing.

STEP 2 - BREAKING DOWN TASKS INTO SMALL CHUNKS

Again, pretty self-explanatory. See that unit of Spanish vocabulary that you were supposed to have learned 2 weeks ago that you haven’t started yet? Learn the first 10 words. Just the first 10. Then another 10 tomorrow. As that, is how you conquer the gigantic overwhelming heap of work that seems impossible for you to be able to complete. You can and will complete it, just with tiny steps. This tip really is a game changer believe me, as it can also trick you into completing more work than you initially intended to. Starting really is the key, though. I believe in you!

STEP 3 - ACKNOWLEDGING THE TINY VICTORIES

This tip follows on from the previous one. Along with breaking down big tasks, you must acknowledge the smaller pieces of work that you do manage to complete. However, rewarding yourself for smaller pieces of work means that the rewards for these achievements have to be smaller too, as, otherwise, you will become used to big rewards for small achievements which will do you more harm than good in trying to change your ability to work harder. That said, do not ignore those 10 Spanish words that you have learned today or that half set of flashcards you made, as those do count, and they prove that even if the feeling is minuscule at the moment, that there is a part of you that does care, and who wants to succeed. Try and treat that version of yourself with kindness and do not discourage them for not being able to work as much as you would like them to.

STEP 4 - ACCEPTING BAD BRAIN DAYS CAN BE EVERYDAY

Sometimes you have to accept that maybe you won’t feel better tomorrow, or the next day, but that you can keep going anyway. Sometimes when you least expect it, boom! It’s back, motivation, self love, will to work, all of the positive thoughts. - And sometimes those things seem to leave your mindset for a while. Don’t give up here. I know, oh boy do I knowww that this is by far the hardest thing to do. Nevertheless, you must keep going, maybe not to the level that you are used to or to the level that you want to be working at, but at a level nonetheless, anything you do during this time is more than enough of an effort.

STEP 5 - SEARCHING FOR NEW REASONS TO WORK

Maybe it’s for university, or a job, or maybe because you just want to expand your knowledge on a topic or to push yourself. Find a reason for your work. Find something that makes you think YES! This, THIS RIGHT HERE, is why I am doing what I need to be doing. A greater motivation and reason is very helpful especially during those times where things aren’t as easy as they once were.

DEALING WITH DEPRESSION & RESOURCES

Depression can be a very dark, dull and hopeless place to be. I know this. However, what you must remember is that depression isn’t easy. It isn’t always possible to study, work or achieve the things you want to achieve daily because your brain just simply cannot do that for you. That is okay. You are okay. I know this because you are reading this now. You want to succeed somewhere within you, because if you didn’t you wouldn’t be reading a post about how to try and do so. You wouldn’t be trying to help yourself find a way, but look, you are, because you will, eventually, even if right this moment it seems like you have already lost. You are everything you want to be. You can do anything you want to do. I promise that to you. Finally, to end this post, I am listing some resources where you can reach out for help if you feel you need support. I believe in you! - And I am always here for you, too.

WEBSITES:

Mind

ADAA

Mindfulness

Samaritans

SANE

Pursuit of Happiness

Mental Health America

List of International Suicide Hotlines

HeadSpace

BeyondBlue - Australia

ReThink

Turn2Me

APPS:

Depression CBT Self-Help Guide

Positive Thinking

Operation Reach Out

MoodKit

Fight Depression Naturally

Diary - Mood Tracker

TalkLife

Lantern

Depression Anxiety Stress Test

What’s Up?

MoodMission

Pacifica

Moodpath

Calm

HeadSpace

YOUTUBE:

Kati Morton - Very Helpful!

TEDx TALK

TEDx TALK 2

TEDx TALK 3

As a fellow student, I am sending all my love, Gabriella.

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rantsandeepthoughts · 4 years

Text

Even in the smallest things

The stark differences can be noted, even in the smallest of things.

The disparity in which my mother treats me and my siblings. Many would say, it has to do with age, with birth order, with personality and how each of her children respond to her.

Regardless of the reason or explanations behind the ‘why’.

It hurts, it frustrates, it angers me. Because even in the smallest of things, I draw the shortest of sticks. Over and over and over again.

I don’t see no benefit, no ‘pro’ to the multitude of cons. No bright side to my birth order, my personality. All there is is cons of what is.

What is, is.

It is like that, it is going to be like that, and it will be like that - no. No I don’t like that train of thought. It’s a dangerous train of thought, an existence of being, that has trapped me in the position I am in now. A position I struggle to break free of. Am still struggling. And if I settle with “What is, is.” If I settle with the mindset that it will be like that. Then that would mean that my struggle has stopped. And I have settled once more, in this position that bears no bright side for me.

No bright side - perhaps - until death and the here after. For my struggles will be rewarded with heaven. It is the only promise I hold on to that keeps me going through tough times. For this constant struggle. This constant bleakness of not having a bright side. It is exhausting. Infuriating. Devastating.

An anguish so deep seated and embedded after such a long time of exposure, that it sometimes leaves me numb.

I let the pain, the heavy, burning, sharp pain - I let myself feel it oftentimes. Only because it seems like something a living thing ought to feel. To feel. Rather than the numbness of nothingness. Like a stone. Like not living.

What is, is.

And I know - for a proven and tried fact - that raging and complaining and whining and trying to rationalise (with the stubborn irrational). I know that banging and shouting at a wall will only frustrate me further.

So I open my writing material - it is now virtual, for my physical journals and diaries have been read without my permission - my privacy violated when my own mother looted my drawers, read my private words and ripped the pages out to throw... Then plunge me in the torturous pit of her words and emotional aura that tortures me, that stabs me and suffocates me and drowns me.

...

So it is virtual now. A solace I have sought out, from yahoo groups, to livejournal, to twitter, and now to tumblr. A solace I seek out in fanfiction .net, in aff, in private websites and now in archive of our own.

The virtual world is my escape and my solace. For it is a world, free of my mother.

It is a world where I can be whom ever I wish to be. Any name. Any handle. Any background I craft for myself. Any person, Any thing.

The virtual world is where, I do not have to be, me.

#rants #introspective thoughts

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tilly-tarot-card-readings · 4 years

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3 Magical New Tarot Decks 2020 to Supercharge Your Intuition Today

There are some beautiful Tarot Decks 2020 out that will inspire a deeper connection with your intuition. Each year hot new releases of tarot decks are published with beautiful artwork that excite new interpretations and messages for us. The start of this year has seen a fantastic amount of new Tarot Decks 2020 and I am here to showcase 3 of the most ridiculously stunning Tarot Cards.

It is a fabulous way to refresh your view on what’s available for Tarot Decks 2020 or to buy as a gift so go ahead and treat yourself to a new Tarot Deck today. If your looking for some new Tarot Cards and would like to view selection of

Learn Tarot Books I also have a blog post on this too.

(Links are to Amazon for you — I receive a commission if you buy one which helps support the blog so thank you in advance).Here are my 3 Magical New Tarot Decks on Release soon (you can re-order on Amazon now for a lower price).

The Muse Tarot by Chris-Anne on pre-order now with Amazon.

Infused with a wildly eclectic spirit, The Muse Tarot will illuminate your path toward inspiration and magic with its bright symbolism and powerful Muse energy through Tarot Cards. The suits are recast as Emotions (Cups), Inspiration (Wands), Voices (Swords) and Materials (Pentacles) to deliver messages from the source of creation. The detailed guidebook contains card meanings, poetry and word prompts to offer insight into your readings while stoking the sparks of your creativity. Ignite the Muse within! Tarot Decks 2020: Buy The Muse Tarot Through Amazon (I receive a small commission which helps support the blog).

About the Illustrator Chris-Anne of

The Muse Tarot Deck.

Chris-Anne Donnelly is a deck creator, artist, and magic-maker, as well as a marketing strategist and owner of Pixelbrand — a branding and graphic design company. She has successfully Kickstarted three independent card decks: The Sacred Creators Oracle, The Light Seer’s Tarot, and The Muse Tarot and she offers unique courses for creators that combine marketing and branding with manifestation and intuition.

The Star Spinner Tarot: (Inclusive, Diverse, LGBTQ Deck of Tarot Cards, Modern Version of Classic Tarot Mysticism)

Let the stars light your way . . .

Enter a world where fairies play, mermaids yearn, and threads of the familiar and fantastic are spun together to guide you on your own personal journey. Featuring beloved indie comic artist Trungles’ enchanting illustrative style, the Star Spinner Tarot reinterprets classic tarot imagery for a more inclusive and diverse reflection of the modern world, with illustrations drawn from a wide range of stories, myths, and fairy tales.

Contents: 81 full-colour cards and a 160-page guidebook * A great gift for tarot collectors and enthusiasts, or anyone seeking guidance and personal growth * Perfect for anyone seeking a modern, diverse, inclusive, or LGBTQ+ way to explore the tarot * Traditional tarot decks are 78 cards; this set contains 81 cards, including multiple Lovers cards to reflect a range of romantic expression

About the Illustrator of the

Star Spinner Tarot.

Trungles (Trung Le Nguyen) is a Vietnamese American comic book artist and illustrator. His work explores diaspora stories, LGBTQ+ themes, and the role of fairy tales in the popular imagination. He has contributed work for Oni Press, Boom! Studios, Limerence Press, and Image Comics, as well as the blog The Nerds of Color and the podcast Asian America. Buy the Star Spinner Tarot Deck Through Amazon (I receive a small commission which helps support the blog).

About The Legendary Ladies Goddess Tarot Deck

Creativity. Love. Balance. Courage. Reinvention.

Find your goddess within and tap into your inner strength with this empowering deck of 58 goddesses from beloved artist Ann Shen. The cards feature colourful portraits of female deities from around the world, and the accompanying booklet describes how you can invoke their unique powers in your own life. Let these legendary ladies lead you toward your ultimate destiny. More about the Legendary Ladies Goddess Tarot Deck can be read about in my Blog Post Here.

Select a goddess based on your needs, pull a card to let fate guide you, or do a full reading to discover what the universe has in store. * A must-have for the modern mystic and feminist historian alike

* Also makes a great gift for anyone interested in spirituality, personal growth, mythology, or the Tarot

Includes: * 58 full-colour cards, each depicting a goddess * 80-page booklet with descriptions of the deities and their mystical powers, and instructions on using the cards as a tool for self-discovery.

About Ann-Shen the Illustrator (Direct from her About Page)

“I’m Ann Shen and I’m an illustrator, letterer, and author based in Los Angeles. With over eight years of industry experience, I’ve had the honor of working with an incredible roster of clients including Disney, Facebook, Papyrus, and the New York Times. I’ve worked on everything from theme park design to fashion doll packaging, editorial illustrations to apparel designs. I’ve spoken about my work, finding your passion, and following your curiosity at Art Center College of Design, California College of the Arts, and more.” Tarot Decks 2020: Buy the Legendary Ladies Goddess Tarot Deck Through Amazon (I receive a small commission which helps support the blog).

Written by Tilly Tarot

Tarot Card Reader/ Blogger/ Creator of

TillyTarot.com

. Over 30 Years experience as a Tarot Reader and as seen in National Magazines High Spirit + Soul & Spirit.

If you enjoyed this article about

The Muse Tarot

The Star Spinner Tarot

and

The Legendary Ladies Goddess Deck

please comment!

Chillax with 5 Best Scented Candles to Boost your Tarot Card Reading

How to Read Tarot Cards in 5 Easy Steps Intuitively by Tilly Tarot

3 Magical New Tarot Decks 2020 to Supercharge Your Intuition Today

Celebrity Tarot Reading: Madonna – 7 Tarot Cards to Reveal her True Personality.

10 True Love Tarot Questions: Get Emotionally Involved

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Tilly Tarot

Thank you for stopping by. I'm the Creator/Blogger/Tarot Reader of Tilly Tarot; a Blog dedicated to Tarot and helping others to learn and develop intuition. I perform personalised Tarot Readings especially for you - no free computerised one's here. I was given my first Tarot deck age 7 and haven't looked back since! My vision is share all my experience and only produce Tarot Readings for you from the heart.

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jswdmb1 · 7 years

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Thank You (Fallettinme Be Mice Elf Agin)

“Mama's so happy Mama start to cry Papa still singin' You can make it if you try”

- Sly & The Family Stone

There has been a lot of discussion in the mainstream media about mental illness recently. It was unfortunately ignited by the mass murder in Las Vegas, which is a pretty rational way for most of us to make sense of such a senseless act. There also continues to be much speculation about the mental health of our president. The American Psychiatric Association actually forbids members from publicly diagnosing anyone they have not personally examined. That seems obvious, but was not codified until 1964 when some psychiatrists were offering opinions on Republican presidential candidate Barry Goldwater’s possible afflictions. Some think this helped sway the vote towards electing LBJ, so this practice was further banned to prevent unfair characterizations based on remote observation. This is why you are not seeing any formal diagnosis by a psychiatrist of the current commander-in-chief. Until he submits to an examination, you are not going to get one. Still, his public behavior, much of which is incredibly bizarre by almost any objective measure, has sparked debate and generated interest in learning more about narcissism, bipolar disorder, and even aging related brain diseases as we again try to rationalize behavior that scares the shit out of most of us.

Then, a few weeks ago on SNL, Pete Davidson disclosed on Weekend Update that he suffers from borderline personality disorder, which can cause symptoms of severe depression and anxiety and often leads to at least one suicide attempt if left untreated. There was also an excellent column by Rex Hupple recently in the Chicago Tribune about teen suicide, which is practically an epidemic in our country (it is the second leading cause of death among teens and young adults). All of this attention on mental illness feels quite peculiar as free discussion of the topic and public disclosure of a diagnosis by a celebrity are rare. This is generally due to the stigma our society has placed on people with mental illnesses that curbs the willingness of those who are suffering to get treatment, never mind discuss symptoms and their effects with family and friends. As such an estimated 50 percent of adults with mental illness go untreated. That percentage rises to a shocking 80 percent for those under 18.

This all results in mental illnesses being considered second class citizens when it comes to diseases. If you have a heart condition or cancer, for example, and need help, an array of heath care services are thrown at you by your doctor and insurance company. If you need time off from work most supervisors will tell you to take all of the time you need and a number of benefits will often kick in to help you through financially. Go to your boss, however, and ask for time to be treated for depression and she or he may not be as accommodating. If you do get help, you’ll likely be looking forward to a prolonged battle for coverage of your treatment, which until the last few years was not acknowledged by most insurance plans as a valid benefit.

So how do we change this and why do I care so much? Well, only people with mental illness talking about it openly and frankly will begin any change in perception by the rest of the population. And I care so much because I have suffered with mental illness for over 20 years. Realistically, it goes back much further but mental illness was rarely diagnosed in adults back in the day, never mind in children. Once I did get help, I bounced around for many years among doctors, therapists, and medications often being limited by what insurance would cover. When that provided limited relief, I self-medicated with drugs and alcohol despite their potential for dangerous interaction with my medications and a genetic predisposition to addiction. This is very common for most people with mental illness and leads to a lifetime of “pressing on” regardless of the pain and suffering because all options seem to be exhausted.

As with any disease, this kind of life can be maintained without adequate treatment for only so long before it takes its toll. That happened for me about two months ago. My diagnosis is technically Major Depressive Disorder with Recurrence and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. While technically these are separate diseases, they often work in tandem to intensify the symptoms of each. By mid August, I had sunk into one of my most severe depressive troughs and stopped taking my medications. At the same time, I continued a pattern of heavy drinking that did nothing but numb my symptoms for a very brief amount of time. I was playing with fire and I knew I was in trouble.

Unlike most people with a mental illness, I am incredibly fortunate to have support people close to me who knew what to look for when my condition deteriorated and intervened on my behalf. In a very short period of time, I was hospitalized through an outpatient program. The doctors, nurses, therapists, and social workers there helped me stabilize my medication, which provided some immediate relief, and then worked with me to develop tools and techniques to deal with my symptoms after being released. You learn early on in the program that you are never cured of mental illness; you simply manage it. Once you accept that fact, treatment really can begin.

They also helped me come to terms with my long-term use of alcohol, marijuana, and prescription drugs, which was interfering with the effectiveness of my medications and causing additional health problems. Alcohol, in particular, has a very negative effect on the treatment for depression since it is, well, a depressant. I have finally accepted that use of these substances contradicts my treatment plan and I need to stop. I have been sober for over a month and it is amazing how much better I feel. The only side effect is that I now satisfy my urges when I get them with a bowl of cereal (Lucky Charms work best) that has added a few extra pounds. I’ll work through that later, but for now sobriety is my main goal.

So why am I telling you all of this? I mean, this is a lot of personal information and I always promised this blog would not be a diary. I am sharing it because I realized the stigmas on mental illness and addiction disorders exist primarily because those who have these diseases are not able or willing to talk. I am finally at the point where I have accepted this as part of who I am and am not embarrassed to say so. Nothing about this changes my ability to live a “normal” life and I want others out there silently and needlessly suffering to know that there is a way out. My only goal here is to let everyone know I no longer feel the stigma and hope that inspires you to help someone you love, or possibly even yourself, to get treatment of what are often very manageable symptoms. If you think you need help, start with your doctor. If you don’t have insurance or run into road blocks on that path, go to nami.org which is the website for The National Alliance On Mental Illness. There you can find a local chapter that provides a number of services often at no cost (the DuPage chapter is a fantastic resource). If you are lucky enough to know someone who has been open about their mental illness and treatment, they can be a very valuable resource as well. The best part of my hospitalization was meeting other people with mental illness and knowing that I was not alone.

I thank you again for letting me be myself and taking the time to read through this post. I know it’s a bit personal, but I selfishly admit that it feels incredible to be able to tell my story. In return, I hope that anyone relating to this can feel comfortable to do the same in whatever forum they choose so they can get the help they need. While mental illnesses are often treatable, they are deadly when left unchecked and if we can prevent one lost life from simply talking about it, then I’ll consider this time well spent.

On a final note, I leave you one bit of advice: take care of yourself. Not because no one else will do it, but because only you can do it best. Besides, you deserve it. Trust me on that.

Peace,

Jim

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astralmouseart · 5 years

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2018 Book Haul

So, 2018 is over and the new year sucks so far, so it’s time to take a look back at it. Was writing it since January and only now I got to finishing it XD .

I managed to rebuild most important parts of my military history/science library after selling 90% of it in 2017.

Books that I finished reading are marked by / and books that I re-bought for my military history library are marked * .

So, when it comes to books, in 2018, I bought:

February

24 February

Hitchcock / Truffaut - Francois Truffaut.

This was after I sold some of my comic book albums - Incal, Metabaron saga and Castaka. Actually I wonder what I did with the rest of the money. Oh, I know. I bought a collector’s edition of Torment: Tides of Numenora for 1/5 of the original price. Sold them because I considered them decadent. Regretting selling Incal now.

Original post about it.

March

20 March

J.R.R. Tolkien Artist & Illustrator - Wayne G. Hammond

Got it on my birthday. That’s something that was on my to-buy list for a few years.

Here are my two posts about it. post1 post2 .

April

In April, I started the course. Also, I got my first smartphone since there was a new phone deal and my mother still haven’t started using hers from the last one so I finally got one as a part of the new deal.

April was when the contracts finally started and also the course/internship thing started for me. So, I started having some money.

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking - Susan Cain

This book really pissed me off because it was a lot about the author showing off her privilege. For example not being subjected to psychological liquidation. So I have sold it.

19 April

The Tale of Kullervo - J.R.R. Tolkien

May

12 May

Durer - Ruth Dangelmaier

An album and biography of Albrecht Durer. Turned out to be a horrible disappointment because the illustrations were low resolution with visible raster. Sold it immediately.

Delta Venus - Anaïs Nin

Diary 1934-1939 - Anaïs Nin

I don’t quite understand how it happened, but I bought my first Anaïs Nin diary - 1931-1934 in November 2017. I don’t remember how it happened. The era of purity has ended only on 20180426, so it makes no sense. Though maybe I bought it without intention of indulging in decadence. I remembered reading the redacted version of the diaries around 2003 and not encountering anything especially sexual there. Perhaps I bought it out of curiosity or to enjoy her writing once again. Oh, now I remember. I saw that diary on used books market. Then it got sold before I decided to buy it so I ordered it from the internet.

My first incident with damaged book this year. Sold it in used book store because I was too exhausted to report it.

Anyway, apparently I was already reading the diary 1931-1934 because I wrote this on the same day:

link

22 May

This is where I got my course stipend. My mother allowed me to keep it all. I very rarely have this kind of money (it was, like, 100$).

HTML & CSS: design and build websites - Jon Duckett This book was very helpful for me. It’s very nice and colour and big. I could take it to coffee houses. I got it because I always ended up forgetting the basics. Unfortunately it’s a bit outdated because it was written in the early days of HTML5 and CSS3.

books webpage

Diary 1939-1944, Diary 1944-1947 - Anaïs Nin

Nicoletto Giganti’s The School of the Sword - Nicoletto Giganti

About rapier fencing.

The Flowers of Evil COMPLETE vol 1 - Shuzo Oshimi /

Finally! One of mangas that I actually found monocle got published in 2017! It’s the one after which I named the current era of my life.

June

02 June

Little Birds - Anaïs Nin

Henry and June - Anaïs Nin /

Actually have read it and it was quite messed up and made me feel much worse. Lots of lying and cheating and she was getting worse and worse ideas with every page. From what I understand, the publication of these underacted diaries in 90s made lots of readers/critics turn against her and made her fade into obscurity. I finished reading it on 01 October. My impressions were following:

“Finally finished reading it. It was very interesting, but also very sad and twisted. Anaïs Nin had some serious issues and unfortunately she ended up making some seriously evil decisions basing on twisted way of thinking. From what I understand. From one side it was like watching a trainwreck, from another it was just distasteful, but the third side was seeing the amazing inspiring relationship between two writers - Anaïs and Henry. It was a real tragedy that they couldn't just live together but she was stuck with a wagecuck banker husband, he was stuck with a woman with which they were a horrible anti-inspiration for each other. I guess it was very interesting reading this knowing who Anaïs and Henry were on level of their inherent nature and why that stuff that happened was possibly happening on level of social alchemy. Anyway could be treated as a sordid warning tale about cost of ignorance and degeneracy. Like the level of neuroticism she experienced just from not knowing the human nature, not knowing social alchemy and living in environment poisoned with sexist memes was sad. And add to that childhood trauma and degenerate ideologies by some psychoanalyst and you get a complete trainwreck. The ending was getting more and more disjointed with her getting worse and worse ideas, like every day.”

11 June

Schhneider CA, St. Chamond - Witold J. Ławrynowicz *

24 June

Emperor’s Mercy - Henry Zou /

Pretty nice Wh40k novel about an Inquisitor. Lots of brutal combat and named characters dying left and right.

26 June

Angels of Darkness - Gav Thorpe /

Enjoyed it a lot because of discussions between characters.

War of the Worlds - H.G. Wells

Armoured Platoon of Battalion Zośka - Anna Wyganowska-Eriksson

29 June

Red Tithe - Robbie Macniven /

Another very brutal Wh40k novel.

July

July is when I got my first internship stipend. I received the stipend for three months. Being able to spend 1/5 of the stipend (again about 100$ per month) for myself was what kept me going through the whole internship and allowed me to finish the Responsive Web Design Certification (300 hours) course on freeCodeCamp.

02 July

Renault FT Tank - Witold J. Ławrynowicz *

06 July

Fall of King Arthur - J.R.R. Tolkien

Bryan Peterson's Understanding Composition Field Guide: How to See and Photograph Images with Impact - Bryan Peterson

11 July

Battle of Monte Cassino - Melchior Wańkowicz

Polish Armour in 1939 - Krzysztof M. Gaj *

This was the most precious book from my military history/science book collection. A PHD paper about organization and equipment of Polish armoured forces in 1939. Amazing stuff. The big blue book - 800 A4 pages. Ranging from detailed tables of organization and equipment prices to information about optics and gun accuracy.

Port Arthur - Tsushima 1904-1905 - Józef W. Dyskant, Andrzej Michałek *

Another precious big book. Sold both of these only because I have quit military history.

13 July

Blackwing: The Raven’s Mark Book One - Ed McDonald /

A nice dark fantasy book written by a HEMA practitioner. Awesome! Recently finished reading it.

The Flowers of Evil COMPLETE vol 2 - Shuzo Oshimi /

It’s What I Do - Lynsey Addario

An autobiography of a war photographer.

20 July

Catechism of Hate - Gav Thorpe /

A Wh40k novella. Quite nice.

28 July

Churchill Vol 1. - Leszek Moczulski

JavaScript & jQuery: Interactive Front-End Web Development - Jon Duckett

31 July

Iran - Iraq War 1980-1988 - Jarosław Dobrzelewski

August

04 August

Infantry Combat - Emile Allehaut

11 August

The First Tank Crews: The Lives of the Tankmen Who Fought at the Battle of Flers Courcelette 15 September 1916 - Stephen Pope

Tolkien and the Great War: The Threshold of Middle-Earth - John Garth

Milton’s Paradise Lost - John Milton, illustrated by Gustave Dore

12 August

Tales of Heresy - Nick Kyme and Lyndsey Priestley

16 August

Japanese-Soviet Conflict at Khalkin Ghol River *

17 August

Tank War - Ludwik von Eimannsberger *

I remember this book especially fondly because it introduced me to the excellent Polish military history/science book publisher - NapoleonV - in 2012, I think. I was looking for new interesting books about WWI in a local history book store and saw the cover with A7V on it and immediately knew I have to have it!

I loved the theories of the author - especially that he predicted the need of massive saturation of infantry units with AT guns. He proposed giving each infantry battalion an organic AT gun company of 6 47mm infantry guns and then attaching even multiple companies of 47mm infantry guns to infantry battalions.

It’s very similar to the American tank destroyer doctrine.

T-55AM Tank And The Derived (T-55AD-1M, T-55AD-2M, T-55AMS) - Krzysztof M. Gaj *

Another super detailed book by that author. I wish he’d publish more!

28 August

Sketchbook for the Artist - Sarah Simblet

29 August

Warhammer 40000 Rulebook 3rd and 5th editions.

Tanks in The Great War, 1914-1918 - J.F.C. Fuller *

A7V and Precursors Of German Armour - Witold J. Ławrynowicz *

September

In September I got the last payment for the internship.

04 September

Blitzkrieg Legend - Karl-Heinz Frieser *

Nuclear Weapons in Shaping of International Security - Zarychta Stanisław *

07 September

I Am Providence: The Life and Times of H. P. Lovecraft - S.T. Joshi

09 September

Ways of Seeing - John Berger

Fear: A Novel of World War I - Gabriel Chevallier

Raising Churchill’s Army: The British Army and the War against Germany 1919-1945 - David French.

13 September

Mechanicum /, Thousand Sons - Graham McNeill

24 September

Outer Dark - Robbie Macniven

25 September

The Flowers of Evil COMPLETE vol 3 - Shuzo Oshimi /

27 September

Berem and Luthien - J.R.R. Tolkien

Forever War - Marvano, Haldeman

28 September

Harry Potter and Prisoner of Azkaban - J.K. Rowling (the illustrated one)

29 September

Permanent Fortification - Karol Kleczke, Władysław Wyszyński

Tigers, Sturmeshutzes and Jagdpanthers - Daniel Koreś *

Imperator: Wrath of Ommissiah - Gav Thorpe /

30 September

Spy in a House of Love - Anaïs Nin

Leonora Carrington: Surrealism, Alchemy and Art - Susan Aberth

October

02 October

Passchendaele the Campaign in Flanders - Krzysztof Marcinek *

03 October

Handbook of WWII German Military Symbols and Abbreviations 1943-45 - Booth Terry

04 October

The Bachman Books - Richard Bachman, Stephen King

This one contains his infamous novella - Rage.

05 October

At The Mountains of Madness - Tanabe Gou /

Amazing manga adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft’s novella. I only finished reading it in March because when I first started reading it I paid way too much attention to the details of the excellent graphics. When I’ve read it in March it took me an hour or so to finish it.

10 October

Incest - Anaïs Nin

That book was basically the breaking point where I decided I just can’t continue reading that stuff. Also, a big mistake since I already was disturbed by Henry and June.

12 October

Used ebook reader with wifi and working buttons. The cover is cracked but it doesn’t seem to affect its functioning. My old reader doesn’t have wifi and apps and has malfunctioning buttons that work randomly.

It was a great purchase because it allows browsing the internet - which means reading text-heavy blogs on e-ink screen. Also, allows me to do it from bed which puts less burden on my bad back.

I installed Brave browser on it. Have read a lot of internet fiction and blog entries on it. Great stuff. Except that it’s still basically the cheapest ebook reader with wifi and touchscreen with outdated android and is somewhat crude.

I wish more websites would be designed to be ebook reader friendly, though.

18 October

Diary 1934-1939 - Anaïs Nin

25 October

Tirant lo Blanc - Joanot Martorell, Marti Joan De Galba, D.H. Rosenthal

A medieval novel about a knight.

That was the last month where I had larger amount of money because internships and work was over.

November

02 November

Nuclear Weapons and Development of Tactics. Anti-tank Warfare

An old publication of ministry of defence from 1969. Very interesting.

Flesh and Iron - Henry Zou

Blood Gorgons - Henry Zou

05 November

Sold almost all of Anaïs Nin books I got because of how disturbing the un-redacted diaries were.

27 November

The Flowers of Evil COMPLETE vol 4 - Shuzo Oshimi /

Great manga. Wish there was more stuff like this out there.

December

04 December

T-35 Su 14 - Maksim Kołomyjec, Ilja Moszczański

07 December

Total Sell Out - Brian Michael Bendis

Wanted to see how he draws.

Yoshitaka Amano : Illustrations - Yoshitaka Amano

Another artist I wanted to check out. He seems to be somewhat dysgraphic and draws on ridiculously large formats for the amount of details he does.

He’s the reason why I tried out brush markers.

When it comes to music:

February:

Lana Del Rey - Hollywood

Tove Styrke - KIDDO

October:

Melanie Martinez - Crybaby

November:

Grimes - Art Angels

Grimes - Visions

Send Request - Perspectives

December:

The Pretty Reckless - Light Me Up

The Pretty Reckless - Who Are You Selling For

The Pretty Reckless - Going to Hell

Aurora - All My Demons Greeting Me A Friend

All used except for Kiddo, Who Are You Selling For and All My Demons Greeting Me A Friend and got pretty sweet deals on these. Got Kiddo with a 75% discount.

It’s weird to realise that books got so much less expensive here that if I’d have a minimal wage job, for like two years, I’d fill all of my shelves.

In 2008 a Wh40k novel would cost 81% of daily minimum wage I was earning cleaning in a factory. Nowadays same novel would not only be physically cheaper - the old price in bookstore after inflation would be 44pln and new price ordered and collected in a bookstore within 1 day of order would be 31pln.

So it would cost 40% of today's daily minimum wage. It’s funny how privilege works.

Anyway, when I sold the Anaïs Nin books, I got 1/7,7th of cover price for them. When I was selling my Forgotten Realms books in 2006, I got 1/3 of cover price for them. So, nowadays, selling books essentially just buys shelf space.

Even when I was selling out my military history book collection, in the beginning, I’d get 1/4-1/3 for them but then the prices just collapsed because it would be norm for books to be available for, like 1/2 of cover prices on auction sites.

Additionally, all the cheap bookstores created a bizarre situation where ebooks are more expensive than paper or even hardcover books sent from another end of Europe.

Big problem was fear of missing out due to books going out of print and disappearing from the market. Saw multiple books disappear from stores during the first half of they year, so when I got money, I was buying everything I could.

As a result, I wasted quite a lot of money on Anaïs Nin books because I got all the diaries and erotic stories instead of buying them after finishing previous ones. So, when I gave up mid-first expunged diary/in the beginning of the second unexpunged diary, it turned out I’ll have to sell whole collection. I actually saw some disappear from a local bookstore chain to never appear again and it scared me into buying the whole thing ASAP.

The threat of books disappearing from the market is a big problem with printed books. tfw ebooks are more expensive and also not the same as hardcovers.

It’s generally a big problem because I have literally, like 90 unread books.

Though I’m slowly going through the ones I have accumulated. At least I have something to enjoy when I’m broke.

#bookblr #book haul #mouse reads #mouse talks #mouse posts

1 note · View note

63824peace · 5 years

Text

Friday, 14th of october 2005

I'm at Milano this morning, but not Italy's Milano. I'm at the Milano movie theater in Tokyo's Shinjuku district.

The MGS4 trailer will run tomorrow at the 2005 Tokyo Fanta during the special event celebrating the film festival's tenth anniversary. I'm here today to check the MGS4 trailer's video and audio settings. Kojima Productions staff and the promotion staff from Konami are working with me early this morning.

Back in the past we shot a film commercial (in which I acted) for MGS Integral. We did all the work just before the theater opened where the commercial would run. We really had to hurry then. I feel a bit of deja vu from that experience now.

We don't often get the chance to sit inside a movie theater before it has opened. I sat in a spot where I was completely alone, and the vacant theater's ambience engraved itself onto my mind.

I prefer old-fashioned movie theaters like the Milano Theater over newer multi-cinema complexes. If the Angel of Death approached me with the ultimatum, "Where is the most peaceful location for you to spend your last moments?" I would answer either "outer space" or "a vacant movie theater just before it has opened."

I feel a spectrum of deep emotions. My MGS4 trailer will run in the Milano Theater! This building has such a long history. There was a time in 2000 when the MGS2 trailer was shown at the Tokyo International Fantastic Film Festival, just like we are running the MGS4 trailer now.

We were in the Pantheon Theater back then. The MGS2 trailer was neither high-definition nor in 5.1 Dolby Surround Sound. It didn't look as good as the films that had run before and after the trailer, which made me really uncomfortable. I felt as though MGS2 itself had been mocked.

We had used MGS2 images straight out of the PS2 hardware. We hadn't shown a pre-rendered CG trailer. Likewise, we are using real-time images straight out of the PS3 hardware now. It still looks poor compared to real movies, but that doesn't matter anymore. I'm delighted that game cinemas are treated with the same respect that films receive when shown at the Tokyo Fanta. Video games have come this far at last!

We adjusted the sound and visual settings and concluded our preparations. Now we only need to wait for show-time.

This is the best environment to get optimal output from our sound equipment. I really want our sound designer to feel the visceral experience of the full power of this work.

Korea's biggest video game expo is G-Star 2005. It will be held this year from November 10 to November 13 in Seoul. They estimate that 100,000 visitors will attend. I expect that G-Star will become as big as E3 (Los Angeles in May), GC (Leipzig in August), and TGS (Tokyo in September). In the future, they will all be known as the world's four biggest video game expos. G-Star has a lot of promise.

We met with delegates from Konami's Asian division about G-Star today. People from UNIANA are here too. (UNIANA is a Korean company that has a partnership with Konami.)

Mr. Youn (UNIANA's CEO) also attended the meeting.

I thought that it was just another in-house meeting, so I kept working after I should have left to attend. I am very sorry that I showed up so late.

Konami and UNIANA will likely collaborate on their booths at G-Star 2005. We are considering the possible directions to take during the expo.

I will probably go to Korea for G-Star. It's a busy time to leave, and I'll need to rearrange my schedule again. Nevertheless, I'm pleased at the possibility of meeting Koreans once more. I'm going to practice speaking Korean... I spoke it quite poorly the last time I was there in February.

I am in Mr. Youn's debt for his hospitality during that February visit. He escorted me through military facilities that normally require special clearance to enter. He also introduced me to many people who are hard to meet so casually.

After the meeting, I thanked Mr. Youn for the Matsutake that he gave me on his last visit to Japan during TGS. I shall see him again in November!

The meeting lasted longer than scheduled, so I had no time for lunch. I won't even be able to go to a bookstore or CD store today. I asked Mrs. Yamanaka to order me a sushi bento. I took care of some mail while I rushed to eat my food.

I have an interview with the new magazine NewWORDS, published by Kadokawa Press. The magazine has a great concept: "Cross-media Observations for Mature Adults." Mr. Yano has brought NewWORDS to life. I have personally wanted a magazine like this to appear for a while.

The generation of authentic Otaku was born in the 1960's and 1970's. They have all aged. They are working members of society, some even have families. They have other social responsibilities too. Despite all that, we continue to live as Otaku through adulthood. We want a magazine to support us as we try to establish ourselves as adult Otaku. Many mature magazines are published to satisfy sexual desires. The generation of adult Otaku still lacks a magazine suited to its tastes.

The interview will run in the first issue of NewWORDS on Friday, November 25.

I don't know why, but Mr. Shida is writing the article. The occasion feels more like a pleasant social meeting than a formal interview.

Mr. Yano says: "Let's keep the meeting going without settling answers for these questions." The interview has taken two hours. We are conducting it in my personal hide-out so we can relax. I speak pleasantly... they listen pleasantly. I feel pleased by my newly discovered self during the interview. I don't feel any apprehension at all.

The words flow naturally... no, not the words, but the feeling comes out of me. I feel as though I am in a counseling therapy session. It's a good interview.

Mr. Yano is one of the few people who truly cares about my physical and mental condition. I think he worries about me even more than the people of Konami and Kojima Productions. He regularly checks my blogs. He frequently emails when I am in a depressed mood. He doesn't write about my poor writing, but rather the blog's emotional qualities.

I take their kindness greedily and draw out the interview. Before I notice, two hours have past.

I'm excited about this magazine. The day's mood can change even under the slightest stroke of happiness.

I settled on a title for Okamura's blog. It will be published at irregular intervals, so it is more like a column than a daily blog.

The title is Confessional Man. It will start sometime next week. It will be hilarious.

Confessional Man won't be like a blog that requires a person's daily attention. It's not scheduled diary. It also isn't intended to show off his compositional prowess or his writing style. The blog is going to be about what Okamura idiosyncratically brings to the nature of the narrative. He chooses when to write, and he writes only when he chooses. His writing is more soulful because of this willfulness. The blog will be nothing less than Okamura's presence.

Okamura will decide his own subjects and writing style.

The theme of the blog is "confession." Sounds interesting, doesn't it? We adjusted the Kojima Productions website to take advantage of this opportunity.

Okamura is one of the original staff members from the Kojima Group's inception. He did the main programming for Policenauts when he was only a rookie. Afterwards he worked on some scripts for television drama series and then directed. Then he helped create Zone of the Enders (ZOE).

ZOE was a great game. Its audience received it warmly and made it popular. However, Okamura was forced to confront the truth of the matter: "A creation requires more than talent to become a reality."

Let's say that the number 0 represents the state of affairs at a project's beginning because 0% of the work is complete. When a person creates out of the absence, he gives birth to 1% of the work. He cannot give birth to his 1% without help: midwives assist him. By midwiving, each supporting person gives birth to his own creation. A sound designer supports the director and creates the special sound effects: he has given birth to his 1% out of his null.

So a lot of people work together to deliver the original creator's 1%, and in the process they give birth to their own 1%. The occasion of the birth of the creator's 1% has now created 10%. And then the 10% turns into 50%! After the promotion and marketing departments chip in, we have a whole 100% of the work required to create a game.

Okamura had delivered a hit video game but the truth tortured him. I decided to send him on an ascetic quest for enlightenment. I mercilessly sent him to the erstwhile EAST division of Konami-Japan. He may have thought that I had abandoned him. I expect that he might even have cursed me.

He devoted himself to the creation of licensed titles for four years. Okamura returned home from his journey this April, the month Kojima Productions was established.

"I'm back at last," he said.

"Welcome back!"

He has grown into a thoughtful and strong-minded man. Something shines inside Okamura that hadn't been there four years before. Without thinking twice, I entrusted both him and Shinta with MGA2.

I made the right decision. You'll see the evidence if you play MGA2. Okamura's journey was not wasted time.

Okamura now reflects upon his journey in his own words. A creator's most essential skill is to recognize and expose his weaknesses. He must have the strength not to surrender himself to the force of his own trauma. True creation only begins after we surrender control of those areas in which we are weak and rely upon the strengths of others. Okamura's "Confessions for Tomorrow" begins.

I took a newly burned copy of Existence into my booth and began checking it. Corrections were made to it yesterday. We are nearing the end. I check the promotional DVD that shows Subsistence and MGA2 while I work. This is the DVD that will run on display in stores.

I went to dinner with the people from Sony Computer Entertainment (SCE) to celebrate the 2005 TGS MGS4 Shock. They were Mr. Saoki and other promotional staff members. We went to the restaurant Kiraku-tei, which specializes in charcoal-grilled yakinuki. Kiraku-tai is so popular, they were too backed up for us to even make a reservation!

I told the taxi driver the restaurant's name to give him a general idea of where to go.

I said, "Please take me to Kiraku-tei in the Minami Azabu district." The driver always responds, "Alright, to Kiraku-tei." The restaurant seems to be really famous. This is my first time inside though.

It was delicious. "Gochisou sama deshita!" I will definitely return.

It's already been one month since TGS. Thank you everyone for your effort and your contributions.

The people work with a different company, but I still consider them war buddies who fought hard toward the same goal. As comrades we tasted success together, shared hard times, celebrated, praised each other, and now we can enjoy the tapestry of our shared experiences.

Kojima Productions staff didn't even have time to sleep during TGS.

The staff audio specialist slept in the hallway booth every night to keep watch over the 5.1 Dolby Surround Sound. Kenichiro made two round-trips between Makuhari (where TGS was held) and Yobodashi Camera (a shop in Akihabara) in one night.

The people from SCE were in the same situation. Most of them went without sleep. We were not animated by physical strength. We kept our pace toward the end by willpower alone.

We drew our strength from our desire to succeed at TGS. We could never pull off something so demanding if we had the attitude "We're doing this because it's our job." Mere workplace obligations can't contribute to success like we experienced at TGS.

Everyone felt that we wanted our booth's visitors to enjoy themselves. We had a strong sense of being on a mission to make the video game medium more successful. We did not work as a company or an organization ; we worked as a single unit and as a single person. The future of the video game industry is being tested this year. We should not behave antagonistically. We should move forward together.

We spoke about these things among each other in the evening. We grew livelier and we couldn't end our party with dinner. We had to continue our evening together.

Let's have a night on the town! Onward to the Cosplay Karaoke!

Another long autumn night continues.

0 notes

mayramoss-blog1 · 6 years

Text

The Diary of Steven Gerrard: It Was the Best of Times, it Was the Blurst of Times Part 2

Following Steven Gerrard's shock appointment as first team manager of SPFL club Rangers, 90min have been given exclusive access to the Liverpool legend's diary entries throughout the 2018/19 season.* Below are the entries from August 2018.

*This is a parody

1st August 2018: So I seen I went viral last week. No biggie. It happens all of the time. That skill I pulled off in training was pretty spectacular though it must be said. The way I dummied a volleyed backheel before allowing the ball bounce off the defender and then perfectly into my path: simply glorious.

Sometimes, I even surprise myself.

3rd August 2018: It's just two days until my first ever league game as a professional football manager. I'm feeling good about it - the team is full of great characters and I'm a great manager - so I'm not worried about the game itself. What I am worried about, is how I will manoeuvre around the dugout.

I want to look casual and laid back, but also fiery and passionate because my fans love that side of me.

- Made James Tavernier captain

- Fixed a leaky defense

- Added steel to midfield

- Turned Alfredo Morelos into peak Fernando Torres

- Remained unbeaten through three rounds in Europe, two league games & a Scottish League Cup tie

Steven Gerrard has been in charge for 65 days. pic.twitter.com/fCUt3422aR

— bet365 (@bet365) August 19, 2018

I've decided to practice in the living room today. I looked up the measurements of the dugout (on Wikipedia, which is a great website) and put masking tape on the floor to make my own dugout in the living room. It looks great.

There's a few moves I've been working on, they are:

- The point and 'have it!'

- The folded arm 'referee!'

- The smug smirk.

- The double fist pump.

- The single fist pump.

- The knee slide (reserved for last minute winners).

- The Dennis Taylor.

6th August 2018: I absolutely smashed it. Genuinely, I don't think I could've done a better job.

I was in my element out there. I pulled out so many moves I'd been practicing. The point and 'have it!' went done a treat with the fans inside the opening 15 minutes, and that positive reception gave me the confidence to whip out a folded arm 'referee!' and a single fist pump.

It feels great to get that first game out of the way. Now on to the next one!

8th August 2018: Another brilliant joke from me today.

Oviemuno Ejaria was playing brilliantly in training - he must've hit the back of the net at least 52 times - it was truly incredible. After he scored his 46th goal of the day, I said to him: 'Ossie! I'm going to have to learn how to say your name if you keep playing this well'. Everyone laughed. I'm funny.

✍️ OFICIAL Oviemuno Ejaria es cedido por el Liverpool al Rangers hasta final de temporada. Joven mediocentro que Gerrard conoce a la perfección. pic.twitter.com/Zl1sgV0IQ2

— Fútbol Escocés gbsct (@BRITescoces) June 22, 2018

I'm very excited to go and watch my Liverpool play this weekend. We're playing West Ham at the Mecca, and I expect us to win at least 3-0. I think this is the year we finally do it. We have the best goalkeeper in the world (Alisson), the best midfielder in the world (Naby Keita) and the best footballer in the world (Mohamed Salah). Plus, we have a great net spend.

13th August 2018: What. A. Win.

The boys were brilliant today. Honestly, I can't say enough good words about them; one of the best performances I've seen from any football team this century. I really mean that. They were immense.

It was great being back in Anfield and - as expected - I got a great reception (as per usual).

I think that my presence in the ground probably played a big part in the win actually.

Maybe I'm a good luck charm?

15th August 2018: I literally made Jason Holt, James Tavernier and Andre Halliday LOL in training today.

Alfredo Morelos was practicing penalties, and he couldn't hit the target to save his life. So after he missed one of the pens I said: 'Morelos buddy, the net is over there!' It was so funny. I'm funny.

I'm actually starting to think that I'm not just funny, but professionally funny; funny enough to do stand up. It's something I've always wanted to do, but football always came first. Now that I'm not at Liverpool though, it might be a good time to branch out and give it a go.

I'm going to try and write a few 'bits' (that's what comedians call jokes) over the next few days and maybe go to an open mic night next week.

17th August 2018: I've picked a comedy club that I want to perform in next week, it's called the Rotunda Comedy Club - It looks perfect. They do an open mic night every Thursday. I think I'm going to go next week; I don't have anything else on, so I might as well.

I've already written my set. I wrote it during training yesterday while the lads were playing 'next goal wins'. It took about four hours for someone to finally score, so I had a decent enough amount of time to do it. The goal that won the game was an absolute screamer from Flanno to be fair. I swear, that guy can fairly hit things.

My set is hilarious. I'm going to kill it. Here's a few of my best bits:

- What's black, white and red all over? The Liverpool Echo.

- A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Everton fan walk into a bar. The barman says: 'What is this, some sort of joke!' (This will kill).

- So I was walking down the street the other day when this Everton fan walked up to me and said: 'Excuse me mate, do you know where I can find the nearest fancy dress shop?' I replied: 'Yeah mate it's just over there'. And then I pointed at the Everton official shop across the street!

- How many Everton fans does it take to change a light bulb? 39,000. One to change the lightbulb and 38,999 to celebrate when they win a corner against Liverpool in the derby.

20th August 2018: Another game = another win, and another impressive performance from me on the touchline. I worked every inch of that dugout. I walked from one side to the other with: my hands in my pockets, my arms cross, and - most aptly - my hands outstretched like the messiah.

I. Was. Incredible.

Kilmarnock is a horrible place though, I really didn't enjoy being there. I'm thinking of asking the board if I can just go to the home games. Honestly, I don't see how that would be a problem.

You know - if anything - it might actually be a good thing for us financially. I'm an attraction at the end of the day, and if I'm around less, it'll seem like a bigger deal when I am around.

21st August 2018: I got a surprise call from Kenny Miller today. He asked if he could come back to the club in some capacity. I said that he can come back on one condition: if he tells me what he thinks of my comedy set.

So I invited him to Ibrox and did my set for him. He didn't laugh once. Not once. It was embarrassing.

I told him to never come anywhere near Ibrox stadium ever again, for he is no longer welcome.

24th August 2018: Last night was the big night. The night I was SUPPOSED to make my debut as a professional comedian.

I went to the club wearing a pair of Ray Bans (which I look great in) and a fake moustache. I disguised myself because I decided that it might be best if I am anonymous; just so that the laughs are all authentic and not just because I am the Steven Gerrard.

Before the show was about to start, I was feeling a bit nervous, and decided to go to the bar and get a pint. When I was standing at the bar waiting for my pint, I overheard two cretins talking about football beside me.

One asked the other who was the best Premier League midfielder of all time: Steven Gerrard (me), fat Frank or Paul Scholes. The guy said PAUL SCHOLES. And the guy who asked the question agreed with his answer!

I. Was. Livid.

How can anyone think anyone was ever better than me? It's ridiculous.

I did things that Paul Scholes and fat Frank could only dream of.

Did either of them score a bullet volley against Olympiakos at Anfield? No.

Did either of them score a bullet volley against West Ham United in the last minute of an FA Cup final in 2006? No.

Did either of them single handedly drag Liverpool back from the brink of defeat in the 2005 UEFA Champions League final against AC Milan in Istanbul, before going on to lift the trophy, you know, as the Reds' captain? NO. THEY DID NOT.

In a fit of rage, I turned around to them and screamed: "Paul Scholes had ginger hair and couldn't lace my bloody boots!" Then, I ran out the door.

Now that I think about it, a dingy little pathetic comedy club wasn't a good place for me to start my career as a professional comedian. I started my career as a professional footballer in front of 40,000 adoring fans in the home of world sport. Why should I start my comedy career in front of 25 people in a dark club? It simply doesn't add up. I need to stop underestimating myself.

27th August 2018: Yesterday was exactly what I needed to cheer me up after Thursday's debacle. Another win, and another beautiful performance from me on the touchline.

Next up for us is Celtic and Brendan Rodgers. I can't wait to get one over on that absolute weirdo.

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