#look you don’t understand my kind of numb yearning for baby girl

[levbolton]

Me for the past 4 months: omg Tanaka should appear the next update

Every update for the past 4 months: Tanaka doesn’t appear

[kindofcashton]

𝕕𝕚𝕤𝕔𝕠𝕟𝕟𝕖𝕔𝕥𝕖𝕕  •  chapter 18  (Calum Hood AU)

IT TOOK AWHILE for the shock to subside before I could even think of moving.  I stayed rooted to the spot, gazing out at where Calum had disappeared and left me behind.  The sun was finally gone from the sky, bathing me in a cool darkness that made me shudder.  I kept hoping to see the headlights of a familiar red mustang approach, willing him to come back to me.  But as the seconds dragged on, I knew this hope was futile.

Scrambling for my phone, I called an uber and hugged my knees to my chest as I waited on a bench.  My mind was oddly empty, despite what had just happened.  I suppose I was numb to Calum’s betrayals at this point; his leaving me in the dust was hardly a surprise.

With my head in my hands, I didn’t even hear the uber pull up until the driver rolled down the window and hollered, “Hey!  I’m here!”

Throwing myself into the backseat, I mumbled a faint greeting and closed my eyes.  The driver clearly thought I was a mess, and he thankfully stayed quiet for the entire ride.  My head tilted against the cool glass window, and I felt nausea rise in my stomach.  Everything from my heart to my head to my stomach was hurting; Calum inflicted full-body pain.  I couldn’t imagine walking through the front door, what fury waited for me at home.  Surely he’d yell some more, insult me until he was blue in the face.  And I would take it, because I knew I was putty in his hands.  One kiss would make me forget all about the pain I felt now.

I was surprised to see the driveway empty of his mustang when I finally arrived home.  It shouldn’t have been a shock that he didn’t come home, but for some reason I was crushed by disappointment.  Yet again I had unrealistic expectations about Calum.  I half-expected him to be waiting on the front porch for me, ready to bare his soul in an apology.

No one was waiting for me, and I entered the dark house alone.

Everyone was asleep, so no one would realize the destruction that occurred tonight.  I refused to let my thoughts wander as I showered and got ready for bed, bile rising in my throat when I glanced into Calum’s empty room.  My head hit the pillow, but I knew I would not be sleeping tonight.  Anxiety gnawed at me, making me think up a million scenarios of where Calum was right now.  Asleep in his car on the side of the road?  Hunched over a bar, drowning his sorrows in whiskey?  Or was he in another girl’s bed, kissing her lips and feeling her skin and giving her his heart?

Needless to say, it was a fitful night’s sleep.  The next morning I must have looked particularly awful, because Luke asked what had happened to me.  I truncated the truth, explaining that Calum and I got in an argument and he ditched me after we got dinner.  Luke was angry at Calum for abandoning me, but I just waved his sympathy off.

“It’s fine, really.  He’s so hot and cold, I shouldn’t have been so surprised.”  I absent-mindedly stirred my coffee, still feeling queasy.

Michael had joined the conversation a few minutes before, and shook his head firmly now.  “No, it’s not.  He can’t just leave you on the side of the street.  What did you guys argue about anyway?”

I bit my lip, unprepared with an excuse.  “Er...something stupid.”  A thought crossed my mind, and I added, “I asked if he wanted dinner and he freaked out and thought it was a date.  I guess even after dinner he was still being weird about us being together, which we definitely are not.”  I felt satisfied with this, since it wasn’t exactly a lie.  Half-truths seemed to be my strong suit lately.

Luke frowned.  “Do you think he secretly wants to be together and was just trying to cover it up?”

I almost laughed; after the blowout, I knew Calum definitely did not want to be with me, but this was a nice sentiment.  “Maybe,” I answered with a shrug.  “I never know what he’s thinking.”

Michael snorted.  “None of us do, Scar.  We just roll with the punches.”

I feigned a smile, connecting my gaze with Hannah who was overhearing our conversation in the living room.  Her frown told me she knew there was more to the story than I’d said, but she knew better than to confront me in front of the guys.

The rest of the day was business as usual.  I had a shift at work, then a phone call with the community college about my admission.  Hannah and I dialed up a movie and ordered pizza when the guys went over to Ashton’s for the night, and so the two of us had a girl’s evening.  Hannah didn’t pry about Calum, but I did admit to her the fight was much more serious.  She told me not to worry, he always did this, but it didn’t ease my anxieties.

When I woke up the next morning, Calum was still missing.  No one had heard from him, and all their calls went straight to voicemail.  The guys didn’t seem nearly as worried as I was, but I forced these feelings down.  It’s fine, Scarlett.  Besides, he doesn’t deserve your attention.  For the rest of the day I forced him out of my mind, distracting myself with work and shopping with Hannah.  Luke and I ran errands after dinner, and I was grateful for his quiet, steady friendship.  Listening to him tell stories about work made me wonder what it would be like to be with a guy like him as opposed to Calum.  Luke was kind and open and incredibly understanding.  Calum was mean and closed off and impatient.  I still saw Luke as just a friend, but for a minute I let myself imagine a different guy who would actually treat me right.

The end of the second day came, and still no sign of Calum.  I knew when I woke up on the third day he’d still be AWOL, and my suspicions were proved correct at breakfast.

“All of his shit is here, he has to come back,” Ashton insisted, joining us for pancakes and waffles that Hannah made.  It was a lazy weekend day, none of us having work and deciding to get together for an extravagant breakfast.  As I tore at my pancakes with my fork rather than eat them, I tried to believe Ashton.  Calum would come back.  He’d have to.  And when he did, I could confront him and get some answers.  Until then, worrying was pointless.

But the pit of nerves inside me only deepened as the hours passed.  I faked plenty of smiles and forced a lot of laughs, but still I couldn’t banish the panic I felt.  More than that, I missed Calum.  Spending every night with someone had felt so good, and suddenly my bed was cold and empty and I yearned for his warmth.

“Are you sure you don’t wanna come?” Hannah asked again.  She and the guys decided to catch a late movie, and I declined their offer to come.  I felt physically sick with worry, and played it off like the pancakes that morning had me nauseous.

“No, I’m alright,” I told her.  “I don’t feel well, so I would hate to ruin the movie.”  I doubted Hannah believed me, but I knew she wouldn’t nag me any further.  I just needed a night to stew and hopefully get over myself.  

“Okay,” she said gravely, clearly unconvinced.  “Call me if you need anything, alright?”

I rolled my eyes, attempting humor.  “Yes, mom.”  She laughed and waved goodbye, and when the front door shut I was finally alone.

It turns out, isolation doesn’t do much to help with stress.  I could barely pay attention to the TV, and I was so queasy I didn’t even want to make dinner.  I just laid on the couch, watching shapes move on the screen but hearing nothing but a gentle droning in my mind.  It would be a long night.

At least that’s what I thought.  Maybe an hour after the others had left, I heard the door open with a bang.  Shooting up off the couch, I heard the stomping of a very disoriented person as they tried to close the door.

“Shit,” the person murmured, and my heart lurched; it was Calum.  Slowly making my way over, I folded my arms and prepared myself.

It was Calum.  He wore the same clothes as he had on the last time I saw him, but they were considerably more wrinkled and dirty looking.  His hair was a mess, and his eyes glinted wildly in the dark.  His staggered movements and overwhelming stench told me he was drunk.  Finally he got the door shut and leaned against it, exhausted from the effort.  His inebriated eyes found mine, swimming with alcohol.  I swallowed roughly, the nausea coming on again.

“Scarlett,” he slurred, raising his hands.  I saw a beer bottle in one of them, sloshing with dark liquid.  Calum’s gaze was shifty, and he struggled to stay standing.  He stumbled forward as if to embrace me, and I stepped back.  He saw this and pouted, swinging his arms out.  “What’re you doing, baby?  Didn’t you miss me?”

At that moment, the nausea and anxiety transformed into stone cold fury.  I set my jaw, glaring at him.  “Where the hell were you?” I demanded.  “It’s been three days, Calum.”

“Pssh, relax,” he chuckled, hiccuping.  “I just...wanted to have some fun.  You’re so wound-up and annoying, so I needed a break.”  I ignored his cruel words and closed my eyes, willing my breathing to relax.  Calum knew exactly how to work me up in the worst way.

“You reek,” I criticized.  “Go take a shower.”  Not wanting to be under his scrutinizing gaze any longer, I stormed up the stairs.  But he was hot on my heels, and I felt his warm breath hit my neck as I fled. 

Attempting to lock myself in my room, I turned to see Calum blocking my door.  “Why’re you so mad,” he slurred, eyes rolling.  “’S not a big deal.”

“Not a big deal?” I cried.  “You were missing for three days!  No one could get a hold of you!  None of us knew if you were alive or dead, Calum!”  I was furious at myself for reacting this way, but I was more furious at him for brushing it off.  He deserved to suffer after making me worry so much.

Calum didn’t reply to my yelling, only slumped against the door and took a swig of beer.  He finished the bottle and tossed it out into the hallway, exhaling loudly.  

Scowling, I tried to push him towards the bathroom.  “Come on, you need a shower.”  It took a lot of effort to lead him away from my room, and I finally sat him down on the toilet seat.  Flicking on the light and closing the door, I started the shower.  Calum watched my movements as I tested the temperature and adjusted the spout.  Crossing my arms, I gestured for him to get up.

“You seriously stink worse than a brewery.  I’m not talking to you until you shower.”  I didn’t even know if he wanted to talk, but he didn’t react when I brought it up which I guess was a good sign. 

Sighing, Calum closed his eyes against the harsh ceiling light and leaned back, kicking off his shoes but not moving to take off his shirt or jeans.

His head hitting the wall, Calum’s expression was suddenly very raw and vulnerable.  He looked broken, like a little boy rather than a grown man.  “It’s my dad,” he murmured, so quietly I almost missed it.  “He’s back, and they want me to see him.”  The bitterness in his voice hurt my heart; I couldn’t imagine the pain of learning someone he’d despised for so long was back in his family’s life.

He got angry all of a sudden, brows furrowing in fury.  “That’s not even all of it.  He’s been back for years.  My mother has known where he’s been for years, and only now do those bastards tell me.  I mean...what the fuck?”  He gripped at his curly hair, pulling it out of frustration.  His muscles were tense, and I hesitated before approaching.  He was like a wounded lion; pitiful and sad, but still capable of ripping me to shreds.

I knelt before him, resting my hand on his thigh.  Calum kept his face covered with his fists, breathing hard.  I breathed out a sigh, unsure of what to say.  “Showering will make you feel better,” I settled on, voice soft.  “Come on, get these dirty clothes off.”  I felt like a mother helping a little child, and a pang of hurt struck me when I wondered if Calum ever had anyone care for him like this before.

Gently, I helped him lift his arms so I could remove his shirt.  Being so close to him made me dizzy, and it was especially painful considering how drunk and angry he was at the world.  Calum might have made a lot of mistakes, but his life certainly didn’t make things easy.  I felt waves of pain rolling off of him, and as they absorbed into me I had to fight tears out of my eyes.

I tossed his soiled shirt to the floor, throat drying at the sight of his bare torso.  His eyes were glazed and looking at the floor, so I slowly grabbed his arm to make him stand.  Calum was like a zombie when I undid his belt, holding my breath as I slid his jeans down.  Undressing was such an intimate act, and I’d done it a dozen times with him before.  But this time, removing his clothes gave me no gratification.  Every inch of skin revealed was just more pain, and I stood up at last when he was only in his boxers.

“I think you can handle the rest,” I whispered, preparing to leave him in the bathroom.  As I turned I felt him grab my arm, his hand warm and firm.  Gasping, he pulled me to face him.

“Don’t go,” Calum begged under his breath, pulling me to his bare chest.  He reeked of alcohol and swayed with intoxication.  He’s drunk, that’s why he wants you, I reminded myself, tears pricking at my eyes.

“Calum--”

“No,” he interjected, holding me tight.  His forehead dropped to my own, our eyes closing as our breathing synced.  “Stay.  Stay with me.”

Lips parting, I gazed up at his desperate and pleading eyes, knowing full well I could not resist him.  So instead of fighting, I pulled my own shirt over my head, never breaking our gaze.  He watched me undress, expression full of emotion as I stripped down to my underwear.  He went to take off his boxers, and I unclasped my bra.

The shower was hot and steaming.  A waterfall of droplets fell onto Calum’s head, wetting his skin and only dampening me slightly.  I watched as water beads slid down his chest, making his skin glisten.  He held me in his arms and pulled me into his wet body, flipping us so the water streamed over me now.  Leaning my head back, I let the rainfall cascade over my face and neck, wetting my hair and leaving crystals of moisture all over me.

Calum’s warm hands slid up and down my body, grazing over my breasts and my hips until he settled on my waist, tilting his head down to capture my lips with his own.  This kiss was incredibly different from the others we’d shared; his lips were earnest and gentle, the usual fiery passion now a lulled heat.  Soft fingers rested on my cheeks, and I pushed my own through his wet curls.  I felt him harden against my thigh, and he leaned back to press his lips to my jaw.  I closed my eyes, relishing the wet heat as he dragged down my neck, biting lightly and causing a moan to rise from my mouth.

His strong body pushed me against the shower wall, and naturally my leg lifted to wrap around his waist.  This caused my center to spread, and I felt his cock slide against my heat deliciously.

I was breathing hard as Calum sucked on my neck, hands splayed out across his wide back as I pulled him closer to me.  One of his hands rested by my head on the wall, the other sliding over my abdomen until he reached where I was aching for him.  I felt his palm slide across my core, collecting the moisture there and letting it mingle with the shower water.  Moaning, I gripped his hair tighter and sloppily kissed his ear, breathing statically with each move of his hand.

His fingers dipped and circled in my folds, finding my clit and pressing on the sensitive bundle of nerves.  My hips bucked into his, and I moved my own hands lower so I could reach him.  As he worked my clit, I found his cock and slid a wet hand along his shaft, causing his breath to hitch.

“Oh, Scarlett,” he groaned, the words like music to my ears.  I worked his length slowly, running my fingers over his swollen tip and feeling him twitch in my palm.  As we pleasured each other, our moans twined together and our lips fumbled in a kiss.  I was close to my edge, and judging from how stiff he was I knew Calum was as well.

The fact that we didn’t have a condom flitted across my mind, and I leaned back to connect my eyes with his.  But what I saw there took my breath away; Calum was looking at me like he never had before.  Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was the steam from the shower, but I swore he was looking at me like I created the whole world.

Exhaling softly, I reconnected our lips, forgetting my inhibitions and wanting only to feel him inside of me.  He understood my unspoken desire perfectly, lining up with my entrance.  I felt his tip press into me, and almost cried out from the teasing feeling.

Hooking an arm around his neck, I tilted my hips forward so he pressed in even more, causing my eyes to roll back.  Calum got the hint, and with one flick of his hips he was inside of me.

I would never get used to the feeling of him.  The stretch was unlike any I’d ever experienced, his body fitting with mine like a puzzle piece.  The angle was entirely new since we were standing in the shower, and as he slid out of me I braced for the feeling of reentry.  Sure enough, when he rocked back inside I felt fireworks of pleasure explode inside my body.  Somehow he was hitting even deeper than when we were in bed, and I had to hold on for him for support as he thrusted.

“God, shit,” I cried out, sucking on his ear while he snapped his hips up inside of me.  I was barely staying vertical, the feeling too overwhelming as my knees buckled.  Calum’s strong hands wrapped under my bum, lifting me up so he could thrust harder and my body weight was pushed against the wall.  I wrapped my legs around him, inviting him deeper inside of me.

Without the layer of a condom between us, I could really feel him.  Somehow I felt closer to him this way, truly connected.  No barriers were in the way, and feeling him slide against my walls was a euphoria I would surely become addicted to.

Wet skin rubbed against wet skin, and my nails grazed down the wide expanse of his back.  Calum’s breath washed over my face, his lips parted and eyes closed in bliss.  I let the pure sensations take over, my mind clear of anything except the pleasure he was giving me.

I was nearing my end as his thrusts increased, and my breasts pushed into his chest as I panted.  Calum gripped my ass harder, pushing faster and deeper to deliver us both to our orgasms.  One last thrust hit just the right spot, and a tight ball of pleasure evaporated into sizzling bliss that soaked through every inch of my body.  Just when Calum neared his end he pulled out of me, letting the spurt of white liquid land on my abdomen.  His moans of ecstasy filled my ears, and I clasped his wet body to mine.

We both took a minute to come down from our highs, and finally I opened my eyes to meet his.  Calum gently let my feet hit the floor, and I used my hands to steady myself against him.  Gazing down at me, Calum pushed a lock of wet hair behind my ear.

Wordlessly, I grabbed the soap and began sliding it across his torso.  Calum watched silently as I cleaned him, washing away his pain and letting it spin down the drain.  Next was the shampoo, and I ran my fingers through his curls with a frown.  Calum kissed my down-turned lips, just a light ghosting of contact, and it eased some of the tension in my shoulders.

We washed each other in the scalding water until we stood clean and rejuvenated.  I couldn’t tell if Calum was still drunk, but his expression was definitely clearer than it had been before.  I didn’t know how I felt about what just happened; on the one hand, Calum and I were never closer or more open with one another than when we were having sex.  On the other, if his drunken haze was the only reason he wanted to do it, then it was meaningless.

Refusing to dwell, I stepped out of the shower after switching off the water.  Wrapping myself in a towel, I padded out of the bathroom, thinking that this was it.  But Calum only went to his room for fresh clothes before joining me in mine.  I was unsure how to feel about this; secretly I was overjoyed, but outwardly I remained stoic.  I pulled on a pair of panties and was about to find a shirt when Calum gave me one of his.  Avoiding his eyes, I pulled it over my head.

He wore only a pair of sweatpants, and my legs were bare save for the underwear.  Tentatively, I slid into bed and pulled the covers tightly over myself.  Sensing my trepidation, Calum hesitated before joining me.  Naturally, of course, our bodies moved towards each other until I was laying in his arms, curled against his chest and relishing the gentle stroking of his hand on my back.

We must have laid there forever before either of us spoke.  I didn’t know if I actually wanted to confront him, or if it was time to distance myself and let him go.  But then the sound of his broken voice and the sight of his pain-filled eyes flashed through my brain, and I sighed.  I couldn’t let go of Calum if I tried.

Twisting my neck to look at his face, I said softly, “So what are you going to do?”  About your dad, I wanted to add, but I knew he understood my meaning.  Saying those particular words out loud would’ve hurt even more.

Calum took a deep breath, chest rising underneath my cheek.  I curled my fingers around his bicep, worried he was going to flee.  But he merely shrugged, eyes staring at some point in the wall.

“Nothing,” came his simple answer.  “I don’t want anything to do with them.”

This is what I expected.  I didn’t blame Calum for resenting his parents, especially after years of lying to him, but a small part of me still wished he’d see them.  It was the part that longed for my own parents, the part that missed them every single day.  I would give anything for one last chance to be with them.

“I understand that,” I began slowly, praying Calum wouldn’t react angrily to my suggestion.  “You have every right to be mad.  But...my parents are dead, and I wish I had one last chance to talk to them.  I know it’s hard, but what’s harder is living without them.  And it would be nearly impossible to live with yourself if something happened to them and you had turned down an opportunity to make amends.”

While the words hung in the air, I held my breath.  This was the only attempt I planned to make in order to sway Calum; if he refused even after hearing this, then I’d give up.  Changing his mind was an impossible task.

Calum’s arm tightened around me.  A gentle kiss was placed on the top of my head, and I knew this was his way of comforting me.  He’d never outwardly give me pity over my dead parents, but gestures like these showed me he was there for me.  I nestled deeper into his embrace, drinking in the smell of his skin.

I thought the conversation was over, because a long stretch of time went by.  I was on the verge of sleep when Calum’s voice rumbled softly, “Fine.”

Glancing up at him, I knitted my brows in confusion.  “Fine?”

His brown eyes were conceding, for once in his life.  “I’ll go.  But only if you come with me.”

A small gasp left my lips.  This was yet another instance of Calum claiming he needed me.  I felt a flutter of hope in my chest, the first one in so long.  Biting my lip, I ran a nervous hand through my damp hair.

“I don’t know, Calum.  They’re your family, and I don’t want to pry or overstep--”

“No,” he stopped me, caressing my face with his hand.  I melted into his touch, unraveling under his fingers.  “I can’t face them if you’re not there.  I need you.”

My heart skipped a beat at the familiar words, but I kept my face neutral.  Nodding, I responded, “Okay, I’ll go with you.”  Once the words left my lips he pulled me in for a kiss.  I happily obliged, savoring the taste I had started to forget over the last three days.  His arms were wrapped tightly around me, holding on to me as if for dear life, but he didn’t need to worry.  I wasn’t going anywhere.

[thebutterflyestate]

movement seven

two years later

If you were a girl with many hopes and aspiring dreams, would you chase after this even if you forget the face of the person you hold important? In (Name)'s case, she was torn between these two but of course she had chosen to go after her future because that is what her parents expected her to do as the next heir of their fruit orchand. 

Just within a year, (Name) had found strength in remembering Yoriichi's words and his face but day after day, his face would fade out of her mind as she grew busier and acted more like how a heiress would be. She can only remember a ominous mark, earrings, and the eyes of lonesome man.

(Name) was now swamped with more of her work, she had reached out to more villages from outside their own place to deliver and sell more fruit which was an outstanding feat for her, her father cried proud tears when he found out his daughter was becoming a grown woman. Nevertheless, (Name) never failed to deliver the fruits in her own neighborhood including the Kamados.

But even with the endeavors she reached, the condition of her body was getting worse. Her coughing fits happened more often and she gets tired more quickly. Her concerned mother asked the helpers, Chiyo and Yana, to deliver the fruits on her behalf on most days. (Name) couldn't visit the Kamados and their daughter as she would usually do.

"Nee, (Name), the fruit caravan sale three days from now, whose going to be guiding the horses? Obviously it's not going to be you." Chiyo chuckled as she wiped her hands on her apron after putting down a basket full of fruits. (Name) was sitting on a stool, carefully packing fruits in small baskets with recycled papers on top.

She gave him a small pout then smiled, "Father will. It seems like it's just going to be me, father, Yana, and you whose going. Mother will be left to stay in the house." 

"Oh! I didn't know I was included!" She grinned, "This is going to be my first fruit caravan with you, (Name)!"

"Me too...oh, wait, this is my first very caravan..." She mused then looked at her, "What do you usually do...?"

"We sell along the road and then drop by other villages that we usually don't go to sell. I think the longest time it takes for a travel is three days if we have stop overs, two days if we don't stop by in villages." She said, "Sometimes it's dangerous because of bandits and demons but thank the gods your father always has wisteria charms to keep the those vile creatures at bay."

Chiyo was then called over to the kitchen by (Name)'s mother, leaving the girl alone to her work. (Name) started to wonder if the sales on the caravan will be better if she was there. (Name) finished up packaging the fruits and put them in a basket. 

"(Name), come eat lunch first before you head out. And you're carrying so much! How many times do I have to tell you that you should only carry half!" Her mother appeared by the archway to the kitchen, holding a bowl of greens.

"Ahahah..." She laughed nervously, slipping off the basket from her back, "I was hoping you wouldn't catch me..."

(Name) put down the bag and followed her mother to the dining room where her family was gathered. Her father was already there, as well as Chiyo and Yana who just came back from peeling oranges.

The small family ate in silence and after that, (Name) went back on track to do deliveries. And as always the last was the Kamados. She went there as slowly as she can so she doesn't stress her body and by the time she got close to the top, exhausted was now an understatement.

She hasped out short breaths then plopped down on the ground then her eyes caught a flame dancing at the side with Suyako and Sumiyoshi and her two kids watching. No, it wasn't a flame. 

It was Yoriichi.

He was dancing but in reality, he was doing sword movements of his and Suyako cheered and clapped for him as he showed off how they're done. Sumiyoshi was entranced by it. (Name) stared at the brilliance of the man who had gone out of her life for two years. And he was till dazzling as ever. 

Like the dying flame in her heart, it immediately set into a bigger flame, warming her chest and her face.

"Tsugikuni-san..." (Name) mumbled out, slowly standing up and dusting her hands while her eyes never broke contact from his dance. She moved closer, the Kamados not minding her as she did watch with them. Yoriichi didn't stop. There seemed to be twelve kinds of movements and all together Tahy can be counted as thirteen.

Her heart was so fragile when it came to him. She was sure her so called love towards him was gone in the span of his disappearance yet here he was and her heart beat fast and the shine in her eyes were greater. What did this man cast upon the poor young girl who only yearned for him?

"Wasn't that beautiful, (Name)-chan?" Suyako asked. Yoriichi was finished dancing, he was looking at her. His eyes was the same as ever, unreadable, indifferent, deep, and warm. (Name) stared back at him, her words stuck in her throat. 

This man has made her weak for him.

"Uhm, (Name)-chan...?" Sumiyoshi asked, concerned she had her mouth open but wasn't saying anything. She snapped out of it.

"Eh! Ah, yeah! It was very beautiful, Tsugikuni-san...!" She said, clasping her hands together. the said man lowered his head, embarrassed by the compliment, "It was like a dance." She said dreamily.

"Right, right?" Suyako agreed with her, then turned to the samurai, "Since you're here and she's here, stay for a while and eat fruits with us!"

"I apologize...but I have somewhere to be." He said, surprising the three. (Name)'s heart fell. Why was he leaving so fast?

"Oh, that's too bad." Sumiyoshi frowned then he looked back at him, "Can I have a minute with you though?"

Yoriichi blinked and nodded, the two males went somewhere to the side. That's when (Name) realized that Yoriichi's eyes were quite swollen. She went up to Suyako whom she knew was a chatterbox.

"Suyako-san, did Tsugikuni-san cry?" She asked straight to the point. Suyako hummed.

"Yes, he was crying." She said, lifting her daughter Sumire "I wish you were here earlier. Maybe you could have comforted him earlier but thanks to my baby, Sumire, she solved the problem!"

"...What was it about?" She asked.

Suyako's smile fell and she became serious, "...As you know, Yoriichi-san came from a very rough path and as a samurai that slays demons, he has experienced more pain than all of us combined..." She said, softly then looked at (Name), "Yoriichi lost his wife and unborn child. He was kicked out of his own place from the demon slaying corps, and his...brother turned into one of those he kills."

She froze. She couldn't say anything. Her eyes slowly went to the man in question. She doesn't understand him at all. She thought she did but she did not. He has walked more paths when she only walks one kind of path that was fixed for her since the day she was born. He is fields away from her and she was just there.

Her chest hurt at the realization., at the realization that this man whom she thought was living the best of his life just because he was a samurai, was actually suffering so much. Yet he still managed to be so kind, so warm like the sun. If it were her, she would have turned cold and numb and wish to the gods she were dead but no, he was there standing so humbly.

Tears fell from her eyes and Suyako gasped, shocked, "E-eh! (Name)-chan, what's wrong?" Like how a mother would react, Suyako wiped the young girl's tears and comforted her that it'll all be better. It will all be alright.

But was he alright?

[thegaywarden]

THIS LOVE IS KILLING ME BUT I WANT IT TO: a playlist about the longing and yearning, the bitterness and understanding, the love and disgust between Geoffrey and Jonathan. {spotify}

NFWMB Jonathan - When I first saw you/The end was soon/To Bethlehem/It slouched and then/Must've caught a good look at you/Give your heart and soul to charity/'Cause the rest of you, the best of you/Honey, belongs to me/Ain't it a gentle sound, the rollin' in the graves?/Ain't it like thunder under earth, the sound it makes?/Ain't it exciting you, the rumble where you lay?/Ain't you my baby?/Ain't you my baby? Above The Bridge Geoffrey - It's too much to take, the thought of it all/Release me distraction/It's too much to take, the thought of my fall/Shameful attraction/What happened to the place I'd hide?/Who taught you how to sneak inside?/It's too much to take. It's too much to take/.../I thought I saw the sky/I thought I saw the sky/I thought I saw the sky/Behind your eyes. Santa Carla Twilight Jonathan - Watch the moon rise tonight/The ocean looms past bonfires all night/I am a stranger in this place/And when I see you I can’t turn away/.../There’s something different in your heart/You're not afraid of the darkness within us all/And we kiss/In the Santa Carla twilight/On the beach/Under a Santa Carla moon/I am lost/But I’ve found you in my arms/.../If you want forever close your eyes and surrender to me/Just remember today was the last that you'll ever see the sun. Secret of Life Geoffrey - I sit alone in the dark, and I try to remember/The words you spoke when you summoned the Ender/You chained my life to an ancient master/Will the curse be reversed if I say it backwards?/What you crossed was a line at the edge of the void/And you can't cross back without making a choice/But then something escaped when you opened the gate/You cheated death and sealed your fate/.../You told me you're never gonna die/How am I supposed to sleep through the night?/You showed me the secret of life/I can't forget that look in your eye. Used to Be My Girl Jonathan - Color pictures of re-entry/Voices calling down the hall/I wanted you to know/You're the only one that bent me/This far out of shape/Don't make no mistake/I'm a liar, I'm a cheat/A leech, a thief/The outside looks no good and there ain't nothing underneath/Darling can't you see/My heart melted in the heat/My heart melted in the heat like yours/.../Left in a heap/A kiss on either cheek/I'm a phoney, I'm a fake/A fraud, a snake/Gimme all your love so I can fill you up with hate/Girl, I'm in a state/My heart melted yesterday/My heart melted yesterday like yours

Hurricane (Jonnie’s Theme) Geoffrey - I get a thrill outta playing with fire/Cause you hold your life when you hold that flame/I get a kick outta thunder and lightning and/Tearing through the night hollering your name/I get a laugh outta starin' at darkness/And wondering why people live in the light/.../I can't sleep when there's something to do/You spend your whole life dreaming and you wake up dead/It's a long night can I spend it with you?/Cause you're oh so pretty when you stand on the edge/.../Oh little darlin' don't you look charming/Here in the eye of a hurricane/Real or imagined - what does it matter?/Come inside, can I get you to stay?

It Will Come Back Jonathan - You know better babe, you know better babe/Than to smile at me, smile at me like that/You know better babe, you know better babe/Than to hold me just, hold me just like that/I know who I am when I'm alone/Something else when I see you/You don't understand, you should never know/How easy you are to need/Don't let me in with with no intention to keep me/Jesus Christ, don't be kind to me/Honey don't feed me/I will come back/Can't be unlearned/I've known the warmth of your doorways/Through the cold, I'll find my way back to you/Oh please, give me mercy no more/That's a kindness you can't afford!

Trash Bat Geoffrey - Ρulp in the slick/Αnd you're all I take tο bed/Το read with me/Ρulp in the slick/Αnd you're all I take tο bed/With me tο/.../Flies οr the flames/Wear nο halo 'rοund my head/Οh blessed be/Οnce mοre with a smile/Brοken teeth and bloody eyes/Ιn my mean light/Μy my my/Trash Βat/.../Κeep it clean/Κeep it clean fοr the camera/Ιn my mean light/Οnce mοre with a smile/Brοken teeth and bloody eyes/Ιn my mean light/Μy my my/Trash Βat

B-Side: My Love Took Me Down To The River To Silence Me My love took me down to the river to silence me/And when he left, I could not speak/I lay on the ground, I tried to scream/But no sound did come out, I could only bleed blue/I waited for him til the frost did come/My skin, it turned blue and my body was numb/But my heart, it burned out til there was no more/Still I wait on the ground, I don't know what for/There, there is a heart in me/Where, where is the heart in me/This love's killing me but I want it to/So long you're gone just like I always knew/But I'm still here waiting for you/Here, waiting for you

[whorphydice]

Forget Me Not

Ahh so here is one of my alternate directions I was going to take Ophelia’s story. Obviously, I chose otherwise, but this was an idea I had at the beginning too. It’s angsty, it’s 9 pages long, Enjoy. 

“You can go.”

The words ring through her head as the train lightly shakes her body back and forth. 

“The boss wants to see you.” A fellow worker had said, nudging her from their place beside her on the assembly line. They always had been a welcome smile. A kind affirmation. It’s a pity, she thinks, that she does not know their name. That they do not know their own name. They were here much longer than she had. “You can’t keep him waiting. Better go.”

She didn’t know she’d never see them again. 

“You can go.” He had said, not looking up at her from his paperwork, still absently signing paper after paper. 

“What? Why would I-“

“I said you can go. My wife is waiting on the train to take spring up. She’s waiting on you. Go, girl.”

Eurydice isn’t sure why, but the deep growl of his voice reverberates through her and sends her running. It’s almost a run- as close as her body can make it anymore. She can’t remember eating- why would she, can’t starve to death in Hadestown.  She can’t remember caring. Everyday it’s clocking in. Clocking in. Clocking in. What’s your name? Eurydice. Eurydice is soon replaced with a pause. Eurydice is replaced with I don’t know.

Vaguely, she can remember a face. A face with a smile that reaches his hazel eyes. She can remember a feeling that sits deep in her chest, she thinks that maybe it had been love. She can remember a name. She may forget her own, but she won’t ever forget this. Orpheus. She likes to think that’s the name of the man. He seems like an Orpheus.

“You can go.”

She climbs the steps of the train slowly, unsure what to make of the bright smile spread across Persephone’s face. 

Eurydice forced her lips to upturn into a smile as she sat on a bench on the opposite side of the car from Persephone, who raised an eyebrow at her before crossing over and wrapping an arm around her shoulders. She pretended not to notice the way Persephone loosened her grip when her gentle hands caught over the protruding bones of her spine, or the way her smile dropped when Eurydice didn’t show some excitement. 

“Aren’t you excited to see them? Your sweet lil family?” Persephone squeezes her, and Eurydice cocks her head, forcing a smile.

“Hmm? Oh, yeah..of course.” She manages through clenched teeth, before her attention is back on the ground. 

Didn’t seem like much of a family, the pretty boy in her dreams. He was a singer, a poet, she can remember that. Something about his voice sticking to some core part of her being that even years of hard work could not erase. 

Persephone was tempted to press on, to ask the young woman why she wasn’t overjoyed at the thought of going home and seeing the family she did everything for, yet she decided not to, afraid of the truth whatever it could be.

“You should rest. They’re going to be so excited to see you, Eurydice, you won’t be getting much sleep!” Persephone pats her knee gently, grimacing at the way the leather dwarfs Eurydice’s tiny frame. 

“Right..of course, thank you.” Eurydice is curled into herself before she realizes it, body leaning on the wall of the car entirely for support. What was he going to think of her? She wasn’t much more than bones- she counted her ribs in the mirror that morning. She wasn’t even sure what her own name was- Eurydice, she knew for sure now. What would he think. That poet in her heart, what would he think when he realized she gave up and succumbed to the ways of Hadestown, where her memories were nothing more than machinery operation. What would he think of a girl he used to love, nothing more than a fragile shell of bone. 

Eurydice caught her reflection in the mirror and tried to straighten up a little. SHe wiped at the dirt under her eyes until she realized it was deep circles resulting from lack of sleep. Her bangs were long grown out, hair now brushing the top of her collarbones. The patches of dirt on her arms, much like her eyes, proved to be deep, bruised discoloration likely resulting from the hard labor she performed day in and day out. This certainly wasn’t the woman the man in her memories would want. 

Eurydice could tell when they started to near the surface, with the way ache settled in her bones. She could not feel the wear and tear on her body in the underground. Could not feel the way her body screamed for rest after lifting things multiple times her size. Did not feel hunger- you cannot die again, starved or not. The way the bruises on her body ached in a dull, constant throb that reminded her of her mistreatment of her body. Why would anyone want to come back to this, after knowing numbness. 

The real sign that they reached the top was the way the train halted to a stop, slamming on breaks that sent Eurydice’s frail body into the seat infront of her. Persephone seemed ready for it, and the way she reached for Eurydice felt maternal in a way she couldn’t quite understand. Immediately Eurydice was hit with something for the woman, bordering admiration. Appropriate, she decides, that the first emotion she feels again is gratitude for this woman who no doubt pushed for her freedom. 

“Come on chickadee, we can’t keep everyone waiting for Spring too long!” Persephone threads her arm around Eurydice, and helps her slowly descend the staircase.

The crowd awaiting Persephone is wild and deafening in a way that makes Eurydice want to retreat to the train and hide. It is overwhelming and frightening in the way people oogle at her like she is a prized dog out for show, the way they whisper as she passes at Persephone’s side, the woman the only thing grounding her to this moment. 

Eurydice can manage polite smiles, which become more genuine as they wade through the crowd. Her heart stops beating, if it is even beating to begin with, when she sees a familiar smile. 

He is real and better than she could even imagine. Just looking at him sends something through her, like electricity activating every nerve in her body at once. She isn’t aware that her breathing sped up until it becomes hard to continue, when something catches in her throat and she realizes she’s crying. 

“Orpheus.” The name falls from her lips before she can fully process that yes, this is the one thing she can remember from being alive. This tall, gangly man with a smile that reaches his hazel eyes and an aura about him that just exudes goodness.

She can’t hear him, but she can read the word that falls from his lips as her name. She can’t hear it but knows it sounds like a prayer, better than any song she’ll ever heat. Eurydice starts to pull Persephone, a magnet inside her wanting nothing more than to throw herself against the chest of the man in his well loved overalls. 

“That’s Orpheus.” She manages to Persephone through the tears streaming steadily down her face. “That’s my orpheus.”

“That’s your Orpheus.” Persephone squeezes her hand and is about to let go, to watch the young girl take off for the arms of her love, when the girl turns still as stone beside her. 

“...Persephone?” Eurydice asks, but her voice is cold, the affection there just moments prior long gone, replaced with ice in the way she speaks. Her gaze is no longer locked on Orpheus, but instead, the tiny child beside him. She doesn’t look much older than two, maybe not even that old, but Eurydice can’t remember any child in her past well enough to remember development. 

“...Persephone.” This time it’s a whisper, not ice but heartbreak. There is pain written on her face now, the tears that had previously been joyous now anything but. 

She sees the man mouth her name again, confusion spreading across the features of his face. The toddler beside him tugs at his hand, pointing at Eurydice with something she thinks may be excitement. He scoops her up to sit her on his hip, and his confusion is replaced with a smile as the little girl continues to point at her. 

“Eurydice, honeybee, what’s wrong?” Persephone stops with her, craning her head to look at her. 

“What’s going on?” Eurydice asks bluntly, still unmoving towards Orpheus. “Did he let me go just so I could see that Orpheus...so I could see that he moved on? Why did he let me go for this?” Of course she wanted him to be happy- she could feel how much she must have loved him just by the way her heart yearns for her to go closer. She can’t explain it either, in the way she feels about the little girl. It’s a different kind of yearning she doesn’t even know how to begin explaining. It’s like in some prior life her soul was so tightly connected to that of the child that there is some remnant there, drawing her closer and urging her to protect her.  “Persephone, where is her mother?” She was not naive enough to believe that the girl wasn’t Orpheus’s with the way she laid her head on his shoulder and cuddled into his shoulder. The way he rocked her just a little, lips moving at the pace that he was clearly singing something to her. That was his daughter, now where was the mother. 

“Who’s baby is that?”

It was Persephone’s turn to feel her heart fall from her chest, smile dropping from her face when it hit her. She tightened her grip on Eurydice’s elbow, pausing to turn them face to face. “Eurydice, what do you mean?”

“The one Orpheus is holding..” She nods her head towards them, at the same time Persephone makes eye contact with Orpheus, shaking her head at the young man. Eurydice couldn’t see the way Orpheus’ demeanor changed, the way it looked like someone took all the air out of him and deflated his joy. It was a short shake of the head from Persephone, to confirm a fear none of them knew they had. 

She doesn’t remember her. 

“Persephone..please...who’s baby is that?”

“Oh honey..” Persephone pauses to kiss her forehead, her hand coming to rest on her cheek. Orpheus approaches them in the middle of this gentle embrace, standing just behind Eurydice. 

Persephone leans in, making eye contact with Eurydice before whispering. “Oh sweetheart, that’s your baby.”

Eurydice felt her blood run thin, the world spinning rapidly around her. “What? No..no I don’t have a baby, Persephone.” Her voice barely reaches the volume of a whisper before she’s leaning on Persephone to steady herself. 

“Yes, baby, you do. Three years ago this fall...I remember stepping off the train to see you with this little baby against your chest. You didn’t put her down for six whole months.” Persephone is brushing hair behind her ear, holding her face gently in her hands.  “You gave her to me to bring to Orpheus two years ago today.” 

Eurydice wanted to deny it, wanted to not believe it was possible. 

Why would they lie, Eurydice? Why would they say this baby was yours if she wasn’t?

“I...I don’t remember a baby.” Eurydice whispers, and suddenly it feels like the soot that has long since settled in her lungs is now blocking her ability to breath, like she’s going to suffocate from panic. “What kind of mother doesn’t remember her own baby, Persephone?” 

She knew it could not be a lie, she knew from looking at the little girl that yes, she may look like her, but that her heart was inexplicably calling for her. Yes, she could believe this was her child if she could only have remembered her. 

It was like years of abuse on her body hit at once, physical and emotional trauma crashing into her and bringing her down. Down to her knees, down to the ground. The words around her sound like they are being spoken above water as she drowns. 

Catch her, Orpheus.  

She can hear, before she vaguely feels someone’s arms on her, and everything goes dark. 

------

Eurydice isn’t sure how long she was out, or even where she is, when she opens her eyes. The lumpy mattress beneath her feels like a cloud in comparison to the one she had spent the last years on. There’s a blanket on top of her- thin, with holes that had been artfully patched with rainbow pieces of cloth- and well used, soft sheets beneath her. It’s familiar, she’s entirely sure that this bed belongs to Orpheus and that she has spent many nights both awake and asleep wrapped in his arms here. 

She lets out a whimper as she turns on her side, the movement aching deep in her bones, muscles wary from years of unkind work to them. She absently realized she was not wearing the leather overalls any longer, but rather soft, loose pants and the cream wrap still tightly wrapped around her breasts. She runs a hand over her exposed abdomen, stopping to count her ribs again. Is this what being alive would be?

She expected to be cold, despite the summer air, from being so exposed. The blanket, that did enough, but what struck her most was the pure heat radiating from beside her.

Oh.

Eurydice turns on her side, to face the little girl that was solidly asleep next to her. She was pressed so close to her Eurydice isn’t sure how she didn’t notice her presence sooner. This toddler was so tightly pressed to her side, that if it weren’t for the thin clothes they wore, Eurydice wouldn’t be able to tell where one stopped and the other began. 

She didn’t know what to make of this. That this little human trusted her so completely without knowing her-

Of course she knows you, Eurydice, you gave birth to her. You made her. 

Experimentally, she raised a hand to touch her little face, thumb brushing hair from her eyes. She noted the way she sucked on her thumb in her sleep, and the way the other hand was gripping onto the cream cloth around Eurydice’s own chest, like she was anchoring them both. 

Eurydice surveyed her, this little sleeping girl. She had her nose, and dark hair that was undeniably hers. In her sleep she could tell the shape of her eyes were that of Orpheus, though the color was indeterminate as she slept.

Even her lips. Her lips were so much like Eurydice’s own, she was sure that if she had looked in the mirror twenty years ago she would have looked much like this. 

Yes. She could believe that somehow this was her daughter. That what Persephone said, must have been true- that somehow, yes, she had a baby she’s forgotten yet somehow didn’t forget her. 

“I’m sorry.” Eurydice whispers, running a hand over her little face, wrapping a frail arm around her body. “I’m sorry, I can’t even remember your name.” She kisses her on the cheek, and tries to pull her closer. It’s another moment of shame, when she tugs and the little body doesn’t budge. 

You aren’t strong enough to lift her, Eurydice.

She settles for moving closer to her, fingers lacing into her hair and gently threading her fingers through the dark curls, much like her own. Eurydice is crying before she realizes it, tears falling into the baby’s hair, lost in her own guilt of forgetting. 

The door peaks open, and Orpheus slips in, standing by the frame.  “...she wanted to stay with you. We told you to leave you to rest, but she insisted. Stubborn, she got that from you. She swears she was going to protect you when you slept.”

His hands wring together nervously, as he speaks to Eurydice. His Eurydice, now merely bones wrapped in skin, covered in bruises. His Eurydice, who didn’t remember the sacrifice after sacrifice she made for them, for the baby who wanted nothing more than to never leave her arms. 

“That’s okay.” Eurydice promised, turning to look at him. “I’m so sorry Orpheus. I’m sorry I let myself forget- I want to remember..I wish I remembered.”

“You will!” Orpheus promises, though he can’t be sure. This is unprecedented. Noone- save for himself- walks out of hell. “You’ll remember. And if you don’t, I promise, I’ll tell you everything you need to know. I’ll tell you everything.”

“You love me, I know that. I remember that. The details aren’t there but..you love me. And I love you.” Eurydice reaches a hand out to him, asking him to come closer. “I want to love her Orpheus.”

“I’d still walk to the end of time to be with you.”  He lays in bed beside her, wrapping a strong arm around her and the baby both. “I remember the day I saw you the first time. It felt just like that when Persephone gave me her.”

He kisses her cheek, burying her face in his neck. “I love you so much, Eurydice. So so much. Till the end of time.”

Eurydice twists in his arms, pulling his lips to hers firmly, in a moment of determination. Her hand cups his face, thumb trailing along his jaw. She’s about to bite his lip, when she pulls away with a gasp. “Orpheus.” She whispers, eyes looking over his face, over and over. “You..come home with me.”

“What? We are home!”

“Those were the first words you said to me.” She grasps at his face, desperate to pull him closer. 

“Eurydice- i’m so sorry.” If she remembered it all, she remembered that moment. That moment that arguably destroyed their future. “I am so sorry.”

“No..no. i’m here now. Don’t be sorry. I forgave you, I must have-” She searched her memories for that of the baby beside her, much to her own failure “Orpheus, i’m sorry.”

Sorry for abandoning him, sorry for leaving when things got rough. 

“You’re here now, ‘rydice. Thats what matters.” Orpheus kisses her again, their foreheads pressed closely together. “I’m going to get you something to eat.. I’ll be right back!”

He practically falls out of bed, as he runs out of the room, surely to tell Persephone that she is awake as well as bring food. Food. The thought of a meal makes her ache deep in her gut, and she is so far distracted by the thought of a meal that she doesn’t notice the stirring beside her. 

“...mama?” The voice is incredibly sweet, and Eurydice feels her heart fall when she hears the word. She is drawn to her voice, and something deep in her wants nothing more than to hold her in her arms forever. “You know me, mama?” Eurydice has to bite her lip, and faces forward so she does not have to look at her and admit that no, you know me but i dont know you.

“Mama..” The little girl tugs at her arm, drawing her attention. “I made this.”

Eurydice turns, willing the tears to stop as she looks at the baby beside her. In her tiny hand is a red flower, little, but fully bloomed. 

“I..” Eurydice feels like a boulder hit her chest, as the little girl crawls on her lap and offers her the flower. “You made this?”

The toddler smiles as she tucks the flower in Eurydice’s hair. “Daddy does it too!” 

Yes, Eurydice can recall that Orpheus does this, and feels an instinctive need to hold the baby tighter in her arms. 

“Daddy says i’m your springtime baby, mama, and thats why I make them! Because flowers come in the spring with Sephy!” 

Your springtime baby..

 “I love you more than spring, never forget that.”

Eurydice gasps, eyes locking on the brilliant hazel ones of her daughter. “Oh, sweetheart..” 

Yes. Her sweet, spring baby. She can feel it, love deep in her heart, the kind of love that brought forth  this baby in a world of dead, the same kind of love that got Eurydice to relinquish her to Orpheus.

It all hit like the train to Hadestown, like it plowed her right in the chest. 

Every little smile, every time she fell asleep in her arms, saying goodbye.

Yes. She can remember her now, part of her heart walking around out of her body. How could she forget, how could she forget her baby.

“Oh hello, Ophelia.”

[settolow]

Mannerism (Kim Taehyung x Reader)

 Word Count: 1,700

Genre: angst, romance (?), promises some smut scenes later

Characters: Kim Taehyung (V), reader (Y/n)

Authors’s note: I hate this but I hope somebody will read it and find it somehow enjoyable. As always I would love to read your feedback <3. Also if you want a second part, please like or reblog so I’ll know. Thank you!

.......................................................................................................................

“You are a little selfish, manipulative, spoiled brat. You know that?” He would tell you while laughing in a failed attempt to cover the harsh words he would throw at you. “But that’s a good thing,” he continued as he took a drag of his cigarette. “That’s what will get you pretty far I life. I mean it.” He smiled at as you sank further into your seat, feeling like the last person on the damn planet.

Your boyfriend continued to look aimlessly at the sky as he enjoyed his alcoholic beverage. You stared at the ground, biting your lip as tears threatened to spill from your eyes.

“Oh, come on, don’t start with that. You know I love you and I’ll always want what’s the best from you,” he sighed, titling his on the side as if you were some kind of strange science experiment. Sometimes you would wonder how did you manage to stay with him for so long, sometimes his words would get to you and you would believe that his feelings for you were genuine. You two have been dating for almost two years after all.

 “I want to accept the opportunity and study one semester away,” you told him, your decision final.

“Of course, you do. You never include me in your plans,” he laughed again bitterly.

“I’ve never had any plans except this one,” you replied exasperatedly.

“Whatever,” he rolled his eyes and rose from his seat. “Let’s go. My friends are already there.”

 You two exited the bar and headed towards the karaoke place where he was supposed to meet his friends and and to where he dragged you. You hated singing ever since he told you how your voice sounds comical when you do it, and thus the idea of going to a place where everybody expected you to sing rose your anxiety levels to a metaphysical level.

As soon as you arrived everybody stopped singing and politely introduced their selves since it was your first time meeting his friends. Your boyfriend began chatting them up, forgetting about you altogether right after the introductions. As you looked for a place to sit, somebody in particular caught your eye, as he stared at you from across the room intently. He was the only one who wasn’t interested in what your boyfriend was saying. In fact, he was more interested in you, as his followed your every move with a lot of interest. You weren’t a particularly shy person, but the way his dark eyes were fixed on you made your cheeks redden. Most of the chairs were already occupied, thus as you searched for one that was vacant you caught him approaching you with the corner of your eyes.

“Here,” he said as he brought you a chair and placed it next to the others.

“Thanks,” you replied shyly as you sat down, ready to fish out your phone and start playing games in order to kill time. Most of the people were gathered around your boyfriend as he was telling a funny story that happened at his workplace. They all found it amusing since they all worked in the same place. Well, all of them except you and…him. You stole a glance in his direction only to find him looking at you from his seat.

“Kim Taehyung,” he said as he extended a hand towards you.

“Y/n,” you smiled and shook his hand. It took you five seconds to realize who you were talking to, but you decided to leave aside that fact that you knew he was famous. “Sorry if I looked like a lost puppy. I got a little confused about the seats,” you laughed awkwardly.

“There’s nothing to be confused about. Your boyfriend should be there to make you feel comfortable, not leave you like that,” he said, a serious expression etched on his face.

He was even more handsome in person. Eyes as dark as starless night, messy hair and plump lips that made it difficult not to stare. But you somehow managed to keep yourself composed.

“I’m already used to that,” you laughed, remembering all the times he abandoned you in an unknown place.

“You shouldn’t be. I think we both know you deserve better than that”.

The words left you speechless and before you could say anything, one of your boyfriend’s friends announced in an obnoxious voice that it was time for karaoke. You sighed and mentally prepared for a near embarrassment.

“I don’t know if I can sing with the famous V in the same room with me,” a girl giggled.

“I’m just another man at karaoke with his friends,” he replied politely, clearly annoyed by her words.

“Y/n should go first since she’s a new member of our group,” somebody interjected, making you feel nauseous.

Please don’t.

“Sing that balled you sing in the shower, babe. You’re funny when you do that,” your boyfriend laughed.

Everybody stared at you as you took a microphone and scrolled through the variety of songs. You laughed to yourself as you chose a rap song you knew your boyfriend hated. The moment the song started, everybody went silent as they all recognized the song.

“Not that shit,” your boyfriend whined as he took a gulp of his beer.

The moment you stared rapping you were surprised seeing Taehyung next to you with a microphone in his hand and the biggest smile on his face. You two started a strange rapping and singing duet that made you laugh and forget in the same time about any other person being in the room with you.

It was so strange just the mere look into his eyes gave you a feeling of absolute comfort. Almost as if you knew him for a long time.

This doesn’t make any fucking sense.

As the song ended, everybody gave a round of applause, mostly for Taehyung.

“If this was a rap battle, Y/n would’ve beat me,” he said and glanced at you with so much appreciation in his eyes, it left you breathless.

Everybody cackled at his joke but he kept smiling at you as you both returned to your seats, pulling yours first like a real gentleman, which was utterly unexpected.

As the rest of the people sang their chosen songs, your boyfriend kept himself busy with his friends, without even glancing at you once. However, Taehyung gave you all the attention in the world as you two talked like two best friends.

Not long after that, people were starting to slowly get drunk and messy which was never a good sign.

“Y/n baby, let’s go home,” your boyfriend acknowledged your existence for the first time since the two of you arrived. His words latched with double meanings.

“I’ll make sure you get home safe,” you said and rose from your seat, a little disappointed that you had to end your conversation with Taehyung.

“I’ll take them all home,” a guy said, shaking his head at Taehyung, an unspoken conversation happening between the two of them.

“No way. I’m not leaving my damn girlfriend with that guy,” your boyfriend interjected.

“You don’t have to. I’m leaving right now,” you growled as you gathered your things and left.

A wave of cold air hit you as you exited the building in a hurry. You were mad, heartbroken and confused.

Everybody has a time in their life when they continuously wonder about the meaning of Hell. How it would feel to burn into the depths of the universe for the whole eternity, or maybe how it would feel to freeze into the ninth circle, watching your soul turn a dirty shade of blue. Sometimes you did. Sometimes you thought had you’ve involuntarily found it. However, it wasn’t in the form of an eternal fire.

Hell was waking up every morning pretending to be ok.

Hell was looking into your boyfriend’s eyes and feeling the cold numbness.

Hell was when you stared at your reflexion in the mirror and remembered all the harsh things he told you.

Hell was hating every inch of your being and no matter how much you tried, you couldn’t change a damn think.

Hell was standing in front of you in that moment looking like a god.

Hell was the one wiping away the lone tear going down your cheek.

“It’s late,” Hell said as he looked at you with his black eyes. Black eyes that took you to Heaven and back whenever they were fixed on you. “I can’t let you walk alone.”

“I’m fucking lost,” you whispered and he nodded back, understanding the undertone in your response.

“I know. But not for long.”

You started walking mechanically towards your apartment as Taehyung silently followed you. Your hands would touch from time to time, eliciting a small sheepish laugh from the both of you.

The walk towards your apartment was shorter than you would’ve liked. Taehyung followed you inside your building, opening doors for you, actions which were so foreign to you.

“Thank you,” you said as you reached your apartment door. “Should I call a cab so you can get home safe?”

“There’s no need to. I’ll take a short walk to cool down a little bit,” he laughed, threading his fingers through his soft hair.

The action made the muscles of his arm contract under his long-sleeved shirt. Your eyes followed his movements, as you bit your lip involuntarily.

“Ok,” you replied almost incoherently.

“You know, there is this gentleman’s code. I should never, absolutely never, yearn after somebody else’s girlfriend.”

“Never is such a harsh word.”

“Definitely,” he said as he came closer to you.

“I hate never,” you whispered.

“Well, fuck it,” was the last things he said as his lips sealed yours in a kiss that made your blood boil. Your hands pulled him closer, pinning you against the door as he bit your lower lip. You felt his large hands wonder on your waist before the settled on your ass, pulling you flush against him.

You wanted him closer than you’ve ever wanted anybody.

However, your phone decided to ring in that particular moment, announcing an incoming call from your boyfriend.

                                                   End or part I 

................................................................................................................................

Author’s note: Guyssss I’m not dead. I wrote this crap in like 4736472 hours. This should be a two-part-story so if you want me to continue please like this. Thank you for reading! 

[littlelovelymemes]

✰   —  —  —  RENT LYRIC STARTERS

SEASONS OF LOVE. ‘  let’s celebrate and remember a year in the life of friends.  ’ ‘  remember the love.  ’

RENT. ‘  real life is getting more like fiction each day.  ’ ‘  where is the power?  ’ ‘  we’re hungry and frozen.  ’ ‘  some life that we’ve chosen.  ’ ‘  how can you generate heat when you can’t feel your feet and they’re turning blue.  ’ ‘  on every street it’s ‘trick or treat’ and tonight it’s ‘trick.’  ’ ‘  welcome back to town.  ’ ‘  oh, i should lie down.  ’ ‘  everything is brown and uh-oh, i feel sick.  ’ ‘  we’re not gonna pay rent.  ’

YOU’LL SEE. ‘  hey, you bum. get your ass off that range rover.  ’ ‘  what happened to (name)? what happened to their heart and the ideals he once pursued?  ’ ‘  you’re wasting your time.  ’ ‘  you broke your word -- this is absurd.  ’ ‘  that boy could use some prozac.  ’

LIGHT MY CANDLE. ‘  what’d you forget?  ’ ‘  got a light?  ’ ‘  you’re shivering.  ’ ‘  they turned off my heat.  ’ ‘  i’m just a little weak on my feet.  ’ ‘  would you light my candle?  ’ ‘  what are you staring at?  ’ ‘  i always remind people of -- who is she?  ’ ‘  i think that i dropped my stash.  ’ ‘  i know i’ve seen you out and about when i used to go out.  ’ ‘  they say that i have the best ass below 14th street. is it true?  ’ ‘  i didn’t recognize you without the handcuffs.  ’ ‘  i’m just born to be bad.  ’ ‘  our eyes will adjust. thank god for the moon.  ’

TODAY 4 U. ‘  today for you -- tomorrow for me.  ’ ‘  you earned this on the street?  ’ ‘ ��darling, be a dear, i haven’t slept for a year.  ’ ‘  i need your help to make my neighbor’s yappy dog disappear.  ’ ‘  but sure as i am here that dog is now in doggy hell.  ’

TANGO: MAUREEN. ‘  this is weird.  ’ ‘  fuckin’ weird.  ’ ‘  i’m so mad that i don’t know what to do.  ’ ‘  feel like going insane? got a fire in your brain and you’re thinking of drinking gasoline?  ’ ‘  honey, i know this act.  ’ ‘  it’s a dark, dizzy merry-go-round.  ’ ‘  as she keeps you dangling, your heart she is mangling.  ’ ‘  it’s different with me.  ’ ‘  her cold eyes can burn.  ’ ‘  has she ever pouted her lips and called you pookie?  ’ ‘  have you ever doubted a kiss or two?  ’ ‘  this is spooky.  ’ ‘  did you swoon when she walked through the door?  ’ ‘  where’d you learn to tango?  ’ ‘  you pretend to believe her cause in the end you can’t leave her.  ’

LIFE SUPPORT. ‘  i find some of what you teach suspect because i’m used to relying on intellect.  ’ ‘  i try to open up to what i don’t know.  ’ ‘  reason says i should have died three years ago.  ’ ‘  there’s only us. there’s only this.  ’ ‘  forget regret or life is yours to miss.  ’ ‘  no other road, no other way. no day but today.  ’

OUT TONIGHT. ‘  it’s gotta be close to midnight.  ’ ‘  my body’s talking to me, it says ‘time for danger.’  ’ ‘  i wanna commit a crime, wanna be the cause of a fight.  ’ ‘  i wanna put on a tight skirt and flirt with a stranger.  ’ ‘  i’ve had a knack from way back at breaking the rules once a i learn the game.  ’ ‘  we don’t need any money. i always get in for free.  ’ ‘  let’s go out tonight.  ’ ‘  in the evening, i’ve got to roam.  ’ ‘  let’s find a bar, so dark we forget how we are and all the scars from nevers and maybes die.  ’

ANOTHER DAY. ‘  who do you think you are?  ’ ‘  little girl, the door is that way.  ’ ‘  your sweet whisper, i just can’t handle.  ’ ‘  i should tell you, i should tell you -- no!  ’ ‘  another time, another place, our temperature would rise, there’d be a warm in brace.  ’ ‘  looking for romance? come back another day.  ’ ‘  the heart may freeze or it can burn.  ’ ‘  the pain will ease if i could learn.  ’ ‘  there is no future. there is no past. i live in this moment as my last.  ’ ‘  excuse me if i’m off track.  ’ ‘  if your so wise then tell me, why do you need smack?  ’ ‘  long ago, you might’ve lit up my heart, but the fire’s dead -- ain’t ever gonna start.  ’

I’LL COVER YOU. ‘  live in my house, i’ll be your shelter.  ’ ‘  just pay me back with a thousand kisses.  ’ ‘  be my lover and i’ll cover you.  ’ ‘  don’t got much baggage to lay at your feet, but sweet kisses i’ve got to spare.  ’ ‘  i think they meant it when they said you can’t buy love.  ’ ‘  you are my love, on life. be my life.  ’ ‘  you’ll be my king and i’ll be your castle.  ’ ‘  you’ll be my queen and i’ll be your moat.  ’ ‘  a new lease you are my love on life, all my life.  ’ ‘  i’ve longed to discover something as true as this.  ’ ‘  with a thousand kisses, i’ll cover you.  ’

OVER THE MOON. ‘  out of the abyss walked a cow, elsie. i asked if she had anything to drink, she said, ‘i’m forbidden to produce milk. in cyberland, we only drink diet coke.’  ’ ‘  the only thing to do is jump over the moon.  ’ ‘  they’ve closed everything real down.  ’ ‘  i gotta get out of here!  ’ ‘  i gotta get out of here! it’s like being tied to the hood of a yellow rental truck, being packed in with fertilizer and fuel oil, pushed over a cliff by a suicidal mickey mouse.  ’ ‘  and although he once had principals, he abandoned them.  ’ ‘  maybe it’s a... female thing.  ’ ‘  moo with me!  ’

LA VIE BOHEME. ‘  what am i? just a blur?  ’ ‘  go to hell.  ’ ‘  i’m surprised a bright and charming girl like you hangs out with these slackers.  ’ ‘  do you really want a neighborhood where people piss on your stoop every night?  ’ ‘  dearly beloved, we gather here to say our goodbyes.  ’ ‘  to being an us for once, instead of a them.  ’ ‘  hey mister, she’s my sister.  ’ ‘  dorothy and toto went over the rainbow to blow off auntie em.  ’

I SHOULD TELL YOU. ‘  i should tell you i’m a disaster.  ’ ‘  let’s just make this part go faster -- i have yet to be in it.  ’ ‘  i should tell you i blew the candle out just to get back in.  ’ ‘  i’d forgotten how to smile until your candle burned my skin.  ’

TAKE ME OR LEAVE ME. ‘  you were flirting with the woman in rubber!  ’ ‘  there will always be women in rubber flirting with me. give me a break!  ’ ‘  every single day i walk down the street, i hear people say ‘baby, so sweet.’  ’ ‘  ever since puberty everybody stares at me. boys, girls -- i can’t help it, baby.  ’ ‘  be kind and don’t lose your mind.  ’ ‘  just remember that i’m your baby.  ’ ‘  take me for what i am, who i was meant to be.  ’ ‘  take me baby, or leave me.  ’ ‘  this diva needs her stage!  ’ ‘  baby, let’s have fun.  ’ ‘  you are the one i choose. folks will kill to fill your shoes.  ’ ‘  so be mine, but don’t waste my time.  ’ ‘  oh honey bear, are you still my baby?  ’ ‘  no way can i be what i’m not, but hey, don’t you want your girl hot?!  ’ ‘  don’t fight, don’t lose your head.  ’ ‘  every night, who’s in your bed?  ’ ‘  kiss pookie.  ’ ‘  it won’t work!  ’ ‘  i hate mess, but i love you.  ’ ‘  so be wise cause this girl satisfies.  ’ ‘  you’re one lucky baby.  ’ ‘  take me for what i am.  ’ ‘  that’s it -- the straw that breaks my back.  ’ ‘  i quit unless you take it back.  ’ ‘  women, what is it about them? can’t live with them or without them.  ’ ‘  guess i’m leaving. i’m gone.  ’

WITHOUT YOU. ‘  i die without you.  ’ ‘  but i know blue, only blue, lonely blue, within me blue.  ’ ‘  the mind churns, the heart yearns.  ’ ‘  life goes on, but i’m gone.  ’

GOODBYE LOVE. ‘  it’s true your with this yuppy scum?  ’ ‘  you said you’d never speak to him again.  ’ ‘  who said you have any say in who she says things to at all?  ’ ‘  who said you should stick your nose in other people’s business?  ’ ‘  who said i was talking to you?  ’ ‘  we used to have this fight each night -- she’d never admit i existed.  ’ ‘  he was always run away, hit the road, don’t commit. you’re full of shit!  ’ ‘  your full of shit!  ’ ‘  you gave an inch when i gave a mile  ’ ‘  c’mon guys, chill!  ’ ‘  i’d be happy to die for a taste of what they had: someone to live for, unafraid to say i love you.  ’ ‘  all your words are nice, but love’s not a three-way street.  ’ ‘  love’s not a three-way street.  ’ ‘  you’ll never share real love until you love yourself.  ’ ‘  you said you’d be cool today, so please, for my sake...  ’ ‘  i can’t believe this is goodbye.  ’ ‘  how could you let her go?  ’ ‘  are you insane? there’s so much to care about.  ’ ‘  who are you to tell me what i know?  ’ ‘  you hid in your work from facing your failure, facing your loneliness, facing the fact you live a lie.  ’ ‘  you’re always preaching not to be numb when that’s how you thrive.  ’ ‘  you pretend to create and observe when you really detach from being alive.  ’ ‘  are you really jealous?  ’ ‘  she’s running out of time and you’re running out the door.  ’ ‘  for someone who’s always been let down, who’s heading out of town?  ’ ‘  i’ll call.  ’ ‘  i hate the fall.  ’ ‘  you heard?  ’ ‘  you don’t want baggage without life time guarantees. you don’t wanna see me die?  ’ ‘  i just came to say goodbye love.  ’ ‘  please don’t touch me, understand i’m scared.  ’

YOUR EYES ‘  your eyes as we said our goodbyes -- i can’t get them out of my mind.  ’ ‘  i find i can’t hide from your eyes, the ones that took me by surprise, the night you came into my life.  ’ ‘  there’s moonlight i see in your eyes.  ’ ‘  how’d i let you slip away when i’m longing so to hold you?  ’ ‘  now i’d die for one more day ‘cause there’s something i should have told you.  ’ ‘  why does distance make us wise?  ’ ‘  i should tell you i have always loved you.  ’ ‘  i should tell you i have always loved you. you can see it in my eyes.  ’

[yeancollab]

Yes! please

okay bdwjhe i’ll put the ones i got awards for under the cut.. content warning tho: its depressing as hell and there’s mentions of suicide, depression/mental illness and csa.. its also not based in too much reality so don’t read into it okay cbjhebf and i wrote it when i was 13/14

ok so they’re all meant to form one story so thats why some of them sound the same..

In Principo

Boy,

You thought that girl was everything

Boys can hold hands until they’re seven

But he never seemed to let go

You dropped that hand that smelled like cookies

You let him fall like dry sand

You saw sparkles in her eyes

In the foreground his held tears

Boys can’t be too close

Girls can’t stay best friends

That’s a little harsh

Little boys feel hate too

You aren’t weak if you know how to feel

People are never truly numb

Carry that torch

Holding on too tight, knuckles white

She parted her lips

Kisses shattered the glass

Little boys get scared of the dark

You didn’t have the right

What if he told you he set that fire?

“Listen close: It feels just like the feeling when you die!

Hold on a little tighter, you traitor.

One day you’ll be dust again.”

He gave you warning

He gave you time

You sacrificed the sky for the wench

Loyalty is funny

When you’re a villain

I guess like me

He grabbed your hand before he fell over the edge

You dropped that hand that smelled like sweat

The crimson flooded over Ivory

Out of sight, out of mind

Is love blind,

Or is lust blinding?

Are friends forever,

Or acquaintances lovers?

Is he dead,

Or are you still breathing?

The Big Bad Wolf (with samples of “City Lights”)

Nothing I could ever write,

Would help you understand this life

Its the constant fear

The cool touch of a knife

One thousand deaf ears

My dear, please

Don’t be too scared

Everything fails

Don’t be despaired

Nothing I could ever write

Will make these blind eyes see

The clothes don’t mean a thing

This is not me

A sheep up for judgement

Solemn pain

Nothing I could ever write

Would stop the nights I cry

I starve

I chant

Some day, you’ll remember my face

Darling I find peace

Knowing this wolf will die

Intermission: Hindsight

Higher than I’ve ever been

Clutch white,

Swallow blue

Bottle orange

Cherry Coke

Too high

Twisted ways

Homicide

Of what

Could have been

I’m thinking

About all you said

Don’t lie

I’m not enough

Run and tell the Devil

Dreizhenthe Krieg

And in a second,

Came the fire

That burned down your world

You took it all from me

So I shattered the glass in our home

“Sweet baby no!

Don’t you throw stones!”

But I never even cared!

Let them all see,

Every burden that I own!

Let me bare my soul!

Air out the dirty laundry

“Nothing is the same! Oh nothing is the same!”

But damn it, don’t you know?

I’m here to make change!

Careful now!

Don’t step on the soaking rags!

Tip-toe past, hurry up,

You won’t last

In the fire o

Oh, you,

Dear friend

You’re a liar,

You’ve betrayed me

And expect me to defend you?

Well

(one beat)

(the two beasts)

(three breakdowns)

This piece of ivory is not for sale

Link hands with your mistress

Your captain

Your God

You’ll realize what you are

If we are what we create

Aren’t we the worst kind

You paint a pretty picture

But beneath there are lies

In a second

comes the fire

That will burn down our world

Now ask me if I care,

my eyelids are sewn closed…

In Finem

I am Ivory.

While I am damned,

I am dead

The grass is my sleeping place

My message flows in your bones

No one likes to be alone

The signs on bridges are not enough

800 numbers don’t save

I cannot reincarnate

I am stuck in a dark space

I am Ivory

I killed myself

They think of me

And they need me now

But its too late, oh what they’ve done to me

As the curtain closes I send out my wish

How I’d love to take it back

Betrayer, Enemy (Start of the Thirteenth War)

With eyes long gone,The hurt rings clear in black holes where blue irises once glistened

And

When you looked at me I swear I was your hero because you never stopped smiling when my voice rangButIAm a betrayer and nothing moreAPredator, creature, thiefI sworeI’d never let you go

ButI thought one person was worth losing everyone else so I gave my all and lost the restInThe downward spiral of my existence you’re so vacant,

So vacant

You ivory,Being.Poached by me then left in the dirt no, longer tough or necessaryI amJust as bad as a hunter because the girls with sweet scents and white smiles are my preyDear,Ivory I’m a lion, I’m a scorpion, and there is no mercy inThis heart that teeters off the edge like suchBordersLinesDo they exist with me?Where do boundaries line up with moral decay?IJust watch the faces underneath me change and I don’t think about risk too much I swear I’mMy energy spent expressing passion to those I do not know never glancing at youYour skin covered in painIWish I could have set you free but I was caught up in me caught up in trying to find my mother in the heart of the girl with the pretty brown skin, Ivory I did not think twice about leaving you behindUp from our grave I have so much to apologize for. If we found you, if we saw you, would you have still leftIImagine your last moments were beautiful though.

High on these drugs

Laughing without thinking twice about leaving meI’m a hypocrite thoughIvoryI’m sorryI saw the signs but closed my eyes I did I swear I went blind youBeautyFull of innocence yet too wise

crying yourself to sleep at night

and nowIDo the same because I feel your exact pain oh Ivory I’m sorry I’m sorry I killed youWe didn’t pay attentionTo the black holes where your eyes had been, we didn’t seeI didn’t seeWe let you rotI am a betrayer, a predator, a creatureYou set fire to my worldIHope you know I’ve changedWherever you areI cry when I think about seeing you again, my friend, my brother, my enemy, what were you?

Dead..

In Medio

I cross and uncross my legs“I used to think you were an act. The peace, love, happiness. I still think you might be.”Ivory stares at me“An act?”

I fiddle with a loose thread I nodI waitHe replies“You are the most perceptive person I know.”I look into his serene eyes“Is it true then? Are you as cold as me?”Ivory tugs tugs on his shirt“Not cold. Indifferent. Not Bitter. A little Empty”

The sky was bright

“White World”

AsylumWhen IHold out my hand for you to take but Shut my fist tight before you touch meNo longer do I knowIf I want loveOr to reject itI wouldRather be alone than be left behindAnd I’d like to be invisibleBut I’m searching for someone in every pretty girlThat I fuck

tTen drop themBefore they escape with all I have leftAll I have left is loveMy knees with scarsFrom long nightsKneeling in front of the DevilWhile he stripped my soul bareAnd told me not to chokeWhen exactly did you start to hate me?Was it whenIWas a little boyWho loved his motherBut made her cryBecause I

Inherited your evil

When I

Lie awake I pray

The black of my actions

Leaves Soon

Igneus: A Tale Of Lovers/Prequel

I’m trying to drown the thought of you with the poison in this bottle.The glass is empty, and goddamnIt burns like HellBut I forget about you for a little whileGet my head clearA drunk man’s wordsAre a sober man’s thoughtsall I can say is i love youMy throat is dryIt burns like HellMy heart is cold, but I can’t let you goMy smile is fake, but these tears are realall I can say is i need you

My chest is so hollow

It burns like HellBecause I know you don’t feel for me tooI can’t shake this yearning, you seem unrealWith this pen and this paperI confess my adorationMy mind is blurred with liquor It burns like Hell

But I know I need to do this; tell you how I feelI am me, who loves youMy hands shakeThis heart is soreI throw back more liquid courage It burns like HellI can’t get over your eyesWith a bubbling stomach, dearI drop my note at your locker.327The same number all three yearsMy fingertips quiverAs the white slip falls through the slitDamn my body achesIt burns like Hell Before I see you

Next morning, loveI open my locker and see a small paper fallIn your hand–

I know it is, I watch you write in classAre three little words“I like you”I’m searching for you nowI find youIn front of your ownNumber 327You clutch my identical note in your palm found youYou hold my confession tight as I do yoursAs if dropping these will erase our love and get washed away in the tilesWith a fire in my heartA tingle in my skinI entwine my fingers with yoursThis is my chance Lean forwardTouch lipsDrown my inferno

Baby, it burns like Hell

[allthatwehear]

sunburn

sunburn - you need me EP version

my mom said on the phone last night, “caroline used to hold things in and not let anyone know what she was thinking, and it was really hard for her. we never knew what she was going through, and that was bad.” it struck me as a thought I have had before about myself. i knew i was similar to her. unfortunately, and (very) fortunately, i do not have maybe apparent physical symptoms that show i am struggling. maddie has had anxiety attacks, julia depression (mental and physical). none of those things have really developed for me, which i think is the fortune of growing up with a supportive social group; that makes more of an impact than i think we realize. so instead, things bottle up inside me internally, and perhaps they come out in grumpy moods (as i am learning in college), but it is inside me, always shifting, always growing. 

i bottle things up like caroline did, and i try to reason with myself as to why; make justifications and excuses for not opening up to people. do i not love myself enough to let others take part of my burden with them? how do i become more transparent, so that people can help me, too? how are they to know to help me if i don’t open my mouth? i expect luke to be this unknowing crutch (or whoever i will marry, one day,) but my roommates--i decide that they don’t have the maturity capacity to hold what i say. i decide that whatever i say won’t matter, because in the next few minutes maybe i get to talk, they’ll turn it back to themselves and i don’t think they soaked in what i just said. 

here’s the moral; i can’t keep pretending that i’m okay. i can’t keep pretending like i’m okay with the fact that i am always there for people who need me. i will swallow my own aches and pains and disguise my irritated voice (as best I can) so i can respond to their stupid tangent about school or whatever else it is. that i will walk up to their room even though i would rather just stay cuddled in bed, and socialize with millions of boys even though i was told we were going to “celebrate” my interview, or that i will pretend like i am not absolutely dying inside. i cannot keep being this perfectly happy, bubbly person--because i am not even able to pretend anymore, it has gotten to that point. this has been the day-old struggle for me. i wrote it to my mom; this is what i said: i often don’t like opening up to people because I learned that every time I do, they often turn it back to themselves and I don’t even feel recognized/heard. it happens almost every time; i’ll get my two cents in, they’ll find some way to distort it back to them and i just feel so, ignored? it isn’t even worth it, why would they want to hear about me? that’s why i perhaps felt so angered by luke and i kissing for so long, that night we went to the art museum on a whim. because i thought he was different, i thought he adored me for who i was (since he had liked me for so long), and wanted to know everything about me. i thought he would be slow, and super polite about things--i thought he was different.

and now that he has me, is he not trying any more? no more sweet text messages at night, no more visits to our room to do homework? am i going to be too much for him; my up and down moods? but damn do i feel like i give him everything. damn do i feel like i give everyone everything. 

damn do i set aside my own needs and desires to have alone time and subject myself to hours waiting for a bus ride in the cold, and my mood is deteriorating but i am trying to be a good friend and roommate. that i brush my teeth and watch in awe as amy keeps blabbing at me--while i clearly cannot answer, because i am brushing my teeth. i kind of actually feel absolutely insane. i get pissed off and annoyed because luke doesn’t suggest doing anything when i see him, so i just want to run off and be independent and still he does not message. do they really change once they thought they’ve “gotten the girl”? well screw you brotha i could leave you at anytime. how do i verbalize all of this? what would i say if i were to talk to my roommates, as i probably should?

last night--like that night i sat in the parking lot of that longmont aiport where the sun was setting (very beautifully) during summer break--oh gosh i never want to have that feeling again. i thought i could’ve died right then and there in that car; let flashing lights and ambulances come. it was terrible. again, i sat in my car, broke into baby blue in the deep snow (he was dark and instantly safe and covered with snow, like a cocoon) and i called mom which still felt numb. and i only could talk to her for a short time because her voice was too consoling and it had that weird tone that just makes me frustrated (you know the one); plus she did the exact same thing that i texted to her (i talk for a little bit, then she’s the one talking the most). this is why i have such a low faith in humanity. boy i really do need some counseling! 

jesus begs of me and holds my chin to tell me that i’m not going anywhere. that he is holding me close in his gracious arms and never letting go. you know what’s something odd? sometimes i daydream of what it will be like to be in jesus’ arms. holding me so tight; i dream of the day i will see caroline again and she will be grinning at me. only those who have lost someone know this deep yearning that will never be filled. this deep, deep yearning. 

babe, you’re going to make it okay, i know you will. jesus cups your face in his hand and whispers that you can push through this. it is not just your mind; it is a complex combination of all. it is being too stimulated, it is having younger roommates and friends, it is experiencing loss that they do not understand/nor may ask about, it is not loving yourself enough to open your mouth to speak but learning that there ARE people who want to be there for you and love on you about all of these things! it is going to pass, this is a transition, this is a moment. things will not look the same in a couple of weeks, and if it does, change is always possible. you’re never stuck. change, is always possible. if you need to run away to the sun. it will be okay. i love you (says jesus). i love you, says myself, to myself. you’re going to be great. 

[russellthornton]

Feeling Unappreciated? 31 Unappreciated Quotes to Empower You

Feeling unappreciated isn’t all in your mind. We all know when we are being taken for granted, can you empathize with these unappreciated quotes?

Is there anything worse than feeling like nothing you do makes a difference to those around you? Many people find happiness in making others feel happy.

But when you look around and see that you have done nothing for yourself, and everything for everyone else, yet no one seems to notice, it all seems like a waste. If you are feeling unappreciated, these quotes make you see you’re not alone.

A relationship is supposed to be about give and take, but if all you feel is taken for granted, that is not healthy for anyone involved. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to examine your union, your feelings, and to move on. [Read: 16 reasons why it’s so easy for everyone to take you for granted]

31 unappreciated quotes to help you understand yourself

If these 31 quotations about feeling unappreciated strike a chord with you, inspire you, or make you feel less alone, then use them as the catalyst for change in your life and your relationship.

#1 “Some people aren’t loyal to you… they are loyal to their need of you… once their needs change, so does their loyalty.” If someone is only loyal to you because they want something from you, that means you are interchangeable. You should be with someone who wants you because you are unique, one of a kind, and the love of their life. [Read: How to recognize and end toxic relationships]

#2 “Just remember when you’re ignoring her, you’re teaching her to live without you.” When you first feel ignored, it is not unlikely to become the crazy girlfriend, screaming, starting fights, basically doing anything to be heard.

If you have gotten to the point where you are past that stage and really have nothing at all to say, you begin to see you can stand just fine on your own. So do so!

#3 “My low self-esteem does not get better by you telling me I’m pretty.” The charmer in your life waits until you have had enough. Then the bone he throws you is “you are beautiful,” or says something about your physical appearance.

We all yearn to be loved for who we are on the inside, not the out. If that is all he can say when you are emotionally naked in front of him, then he really doesn’t get it or you at all. It may be time to move along.

#4 “It would be too easy to say that I feel invisible, instead, I feel painfully visible and entirely ignored.” Being invisible makes you feel like you could disappear, and he would just replace you without skipping a beat. [Read: The science behind craving them more when you feel ignored]

#5 “You need to stop doing things for someone when you find its expected rather than appreciated.” Often those extra things we do in our relationships to make someone happy turn into the norm and what is expected. Don’t be fooled into believing that all the nice things you do are merely what anyone would. You are special.

#6 “Resentment is an early warning signal for needed change.” Resentment only grows. If you can’t nip it in the bud, it is like cancer and eats away at your self-worth and your feelings toward your significant other.

#7 “My only regret is that I didn’t tell enough people to f*ck off.” Learning to say no, telling people to f*ck off, or not caring about what people think is a very hard emotional place to get to. If you get there, however, it is one of the most liberating ways to live a happy and more well-adjusted life. [Read: 20 signs you’re a people pleaser and don’t realize it]

#8 “Don’t forget a person’s greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated.” – H. Jackson Brown. Everyone wants to feel appreciated. If he says he doesn’t care about how you feel about him, he lies. Try treating him with the same disinterest and see how well he handles it.

#9 “It’s simple, women only nag when they feel unappreciated.” Why do women nag? I rarely hear them nag outside of a relationship. If we didn’t feel so responsible for everyone and everything in our vicinity, we wouldn’t feel the need to make sure everyone was okay and doing what they need for their own good. You nag because you have to say it 20 times to be heard instead of just once. [Read: 13 needy signs you’re too available for your partner]

#10 “No text? I understand. No calls? I understand. No time for me? I understand. But when you see me with someone else, I hope you understand.” If a guy is treating you like you are an accessory in his life, someday he will have to find a new ascot.

#11 “Staying in a situation where you’re unappreciated isn’t called loyalty. It’s called breaking your own heart.” Sometimes the hardest thing to do in any relationship is to know when to walk away.

Feeling unappreciated is difficult because there are no concrete reasons, just emotions. Staying out of some commitment or loyalty that you promised before you knew things would get as bad as they are isn’t doing anything but allowing yourself heartbreak and him not to be the best him possible. [Read: When to walk away from a relationship: Baby boomers vs us]

#12 “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” – Maya Angelou. If you stay past the point where you are being taken for granted, unfortunately, you have no one to blame but yourself. It takes strength to leave a situation, but you have to love yourself more than the love you have for the person mistreating you.

#13 “Let me refresh your memory a bit. I was the one who listened to your problems. I was the one who took your bullshit. I was the one who actually cared about you. I was the one who stuck around even when everyone told me to leave. I was the one who stood up for you. I was the one who loved you even when you gave me every reason not to. Lastly, I was the one who was there for you when no one else was.”

Don’t ever give of yourself more than you would ask anyone for yourself, especially if it goes unnoticed or falls on deaf ears.

#14 “A girl doesn’t need anyone who doesn’t need her.” You may think he is the love of your life, and you need him. But if all he is doing is dragging you down and making you feel lonely, the only thing you need him for is to make yourself unhappy. That, you can do all on your own.

#15 “One of the hardest parts of life is deciding whether to walk away or try harder.” If you have tried everything and it isn’t working, stop trying. It isn’t working. [Read: 18 emotions you shouldn’t feel in a healthy relationship]

#16 “I need to stop doing things for people who wouldn’t do things for me.” True words to live by, harder in practice.

#17 “When you’re always there for people, they stop appreciating you because your favors are now expectations.” When you continue to do things for people, and they don’t appreciate it from the start, they begin to believe they are entitled to your love and all that you do. No one is entitled to your heart; it is something they have to earn.

#18 “Today I feel abandoned, ugly, hurt, like I don’t matter, useless, invisible, like I don’t belong, not worthy of love, hopeless, unappreciated, numb… never mind I feel like this every day.” If someone is making you feel any of these emotions for a day, reconsider their influence. If that is all they make you feel, you need to consider packing your bags. [Read: How to recognize and stop selfish people from hurting you]

#19 “Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them.” It is always a hard reality to find that you would do way more for someone else than they would ever do for you. There is someone out there who would love you the way you need. Don’t settle for second best.

#20 “Sometimes people don’t notice the things we do for them until we stop doing them.” We are creatures of habit. If someone does something for us over and over, we stop being grateful and we begin to feel entitled. If you think someone doesn’t appreciate what you do, find out if that is the truth by discontinuing your kind acts and see what they do.

#21 “Sometimes I regret being nice, apologizing when I didn’t do anything wrong, and making unworthy people a priority in my life.” If you are a pleaser, life feels pretty unappreciative.

#22 “I know what I bring to the table so trust I’m not afraid to eat alone.” At some point, you have to look around and ask yourself if you are staying with someone because they are good for you, or if you are afraid to be without them. If you stay because you don’t want to eat alone, consider that eating alone in silence is better than eating with someone else in silence. [Read: 15 revealing truths about feeling alone in a relationship]

#23 “Fall in love with someone who deserves your heart not plays with it.” Love is a two-way street. If you got on only going one way, it may be time to find the exit ramp.

#24 “A man’s biggest mistake is giving another man an opportunity to make his woman smile.” Not all men are the same. There is someone out there who will appreciate the things you do, I promise.

#25 “I pushed everyone aside for you, and you pushed me aside for everyone.” If you make them the priority and sacrifice yourself, yet they aren’t sacrificing for you, it is time to move along. [Read: 14 signs your best friend isn’t your best friend anymore]

#26 “If someone doesn’t appreciate your presence make them appreciate your absence.” Absence makes the heart grow fonder, so be absent and see what happens.

#27 “There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans for people who wouldn’t jump puddles for you.” It isn’t a case of the more you do, the more they will appreciate you. It is more like the more you do, the more they will take for granted and expect. [Read: Why you should never make someone a priority when you’re only an option to them]

#28 “It’s sad when you realize those who you cared so much about could be so careless about you.” Some men just aren’t capable of loving you the way you need. It isn’t your fault, but it becomes your fault if you stay in a bad situation.

#29 “We live in a world of disposable things, but you are not one of them. You are irreplaceable, one-of-a-kind, and there will never be another you. You are not disposable. Do not let anyone tell you differently.” Sometimes they don’t say it directly, but their actions speak louder than words. If they are making you feel replaceable, it is time to let them try to find someone as awesome as you to replace you. [Read: Am I being taken for granted? 16 discreet signs]

#30 “Some say I’m too sensitive, but the truth is I just feel too much. Every word, every action, and every energy goes straight to my heart.” It is okay to be a highly-sensitive person, it just means you have to find a personality style that better understands you and can let you be you and appreciate it.

#31 “People were created to be loved. Things were created to be used. The reason the road is in chaos is things are being loved, and people are being used.” If you are feeling used, maybe it is time to hit the road.

[Read: Toxic people: 25 early warning signs to watch out for]

It is much better to feel lonely outside of a relationship than in one. Outside of one leaves the door open to find someone who will love and appreciate you the way that you know you deserve.

The post Feeling Unappreciated? 31 Unappreciated Quotes to Empower You is the original content of LovePanky - Your Guide to Better Love and Relationships.