#love hate relationship woth wondering if its good or bad that i didnt have time to properly enjoy buddy daddies

[multifanidiot]

Me after the show/media I enjoyed/loved ends:

[angelsfuk]

journal 10/4/17

`I dont see weed as the problem i see my self as the problem. I stand in the way of mysefl on a daily basis. No one else is to blame but  my insufferable self. I like to think and appear like I work hard and have the mindset that i dont know why I dont produce a higher quality of life for myself.

I look at people who can see the bad in their life and decide to change  and I am in awe. They feel a determination that i do not posses that allows them the ability to try 

They decide to

They 

Tried

Speaking of a window, i feel like a cat, in an attic with the light on 24/7 and the only thing in the room is a window. And from that window I 

See a happy couple, arms draped around each other like vines of a withering oak tree. A image i felt a twinging in the pit of me…

Something unusual 

I felt a null looming 

_Suffering

<D--_BB+++++++<3

…………...

I have recently been caught in a trap

Of seeing my exlove with his new girl friend

I pray you see my _sufffering

I have seen yours of all its shades of black

I struggle to remember my oldest memories 

Floating in vast area of endless space

I need to stop thinking of myself as set out of the crowd cause more likely than not i am in the crowd and put myself there more by thinking i'm not <br> Uh maybe <br> I just want to feel happy<br> And i think for the most part i can<br> But days like today make me feel, overwhelmed <br> Like a sink overflowing with dirty dishes<br> I don't want to clean them i want to stare at them for two weeks briefly shrugging at them till i finally i'm forced to face my mess<br> Drop off the w2<br> Find out why the 166 dollars didnt go thru to the gas company<br> Should i send 166 dollars to the gas company now <br> I dont really want to<br> Should i still buy mushshrooms from izzy<br> How do you become financially stable<br> How do you become stable<br> How do you overcome depression <br> How do you stop social anxiety<br> How do you look people you use to know in the eye again<br> How do you maintain relationships<br> <br> How do you not become bitter<br> How do you disappear completely<br> How do you see your best friends baby<br> How do you not become like everyone else<br> How do you fall in love again<br> How do you function again<br>

Why do people get mad at me when i don't hang out with them i can't help it <br> I can't help that the thought of hanging out with someone makes my stomach flip that most of my conversations are excuses i enjoy my own company more than others (this does not include jackson or my dad) im always tired always worn out<br> Need a therapist agian<br> Need to get better again without anyone noticing<br> Whats that radiohead song how to disappear completely <br> Today is just a bad day of course tomorrow i will feel diffrent then the cycle repeats agian <br> I want to go driving in the country woth someone with me i dont know who but we font talk just drive and take photographs of pretty medows maybe that person is lauren, possible yes how to be more like her<br> I tjink im gonna pay thw gas company again

Or maybe not again maybe payment didint go through last time just going to do it <br> Ugh<br> See you later ....

Again my bank account is at zero i wish i knew how to financial make myself stable but I don't know how to do that 

I hate the bank 

It has become my new doctor’s office

Yes i know i overdrew yes i know my bank account is negative again im working on it 

Yes i know you can't draw from a savings account more than 6 times a month i know these things 

But i can't stop them 

My life is a hurricane of actions and at the same time a frozen ocean of inability or motivation lacking

I will figure it out

I will i always do

I won't tell dad 

to me that is failure to tell him i can't give him the money because I failed to keep it saved that is not his problem he has enough to worry about without his 19 year old daughter who cant save her money right 

Jackson when i ask him to borrow which i hate doing doesnt understand that i cant tell him casue that would be accepting my failure and taking the disappointment from not only him but from myself as well

Maybe i just tell myself these things to make myself feel better i don't know 

It works i guess

Some times i see people who are really passionate about something and it makes me wish i was that way again most of the time i can go though the day just convincing myself that i am passionate i am happy and for the most part I think I am but seeing someone who is just so hardworking and passionate about what they love makes me realize I am not. 

It seem to be one financial blundering after another , The reason I need money today is last night my dad told me in a slight drunken emotional whirlwind of his own that he needed me to get the five hundred from my savings account in one hundred dollar bills which would require me to go in and ask for it which normally would be fine but my bank account is at negative and that would just make the situation even worse because they would most likely take from the savings account which would make it a total of three hundred and twenty six dollars approximately. Clearly that is not the five hundred i need to give to him, but another perplexity  i face is whether he even remembers telling me that or not he was inebriated which makes me wonder if he even meant to tell me that but im too scared to ask i am too scared to just act like he didnt say it then he be mad i didn't get it which then i am in even deeper because 

Sometime i like to overreact 

No

Its not overreacting its called over thinking I guess

Whatever

Ive been talking to someone agian

I know that happens a lot but i feel good about this I have been taking my time and keeping my boundaries i think 

His name is quinn or he calls himself romeo as well

We talk 

I enjoy it

I think he does too

There is one strange thing about our history i should say 

We have slept together already

He took me to his apartment one night after we talked and hit it off really well

At joey's house 

It was comfortable we talked for awhile in his bed together and fell asleep 

In the morning we fucked 

The only thing that made it mad was the fact that of course aubrey played into it somehow

But he was different in the way that I got him to like me 

He chose me over her 

That is almost an improbability in my history with aubrey.

So i am seeing him again for the first time since that moring

At our friend Max’s birthday party on friday.