#maksimumvoltazh

[pxzhar-blog]

          ( @maksimumvoltazh !! )

she catches the last half of his argument with their mother, hidden in the shadow of the hall. her mother sees her, once, and she ducks back quickly even though she doesn’t leave.

stubbornly, she waits, and when she hears his quick foot- steps across the floor (only his, which means he’s left their mother sitting there alone at the table, watching him go) she moves to catch him.

          “Ridley.”

it’s little more than a hiss; she sounds more like isabel than she does herself.

          “What the fuck are you doing?”

[disintegrativeruin-blog]

roman n jo - five times they tried for the baby and the one time they didnt

i. 

it happens because it's meant to happen, somehow, in the impossibleway these things are always meant to happen. there is never a big talk,never a night where they lie awake together in bed or sit in the kitchenat 3AM, her in pajamas and him in his wrinkled, worn out work clothes.she thinks that maybe they have always been this way and that is whyit works the way it does; it never could've, any other way.

there is never a big talk, but there is a talk. quiet, fleeting, half-secretive.she catches roman watching a father and his little girl at the park as theywalk prizrak one saturday in may. she stays quiet, watches the flicker in his expression, the twitch in the corner of his mouth, the way his eyesskitter away before he thinks she's noticed. later, she matches it to herown expression, the way she knows elliot has caught her staring at hisson on her rare visits to westchester, labels it longing. 

she brings it up carefully, slowly. it's tentative, a decision she knows shewants to make. one she feels they're ready for. a future she wants -- hasalways wanted, will always want, an empty place that she has never beenable to fill with anything that leaves her feeling whole. a future she wantswith roman, now, and -- one she hopes he wants with her, too.

he twists around and she catches the same flicker in his expression before he kisses her. the weight of him presses her into the mattressand it is answer enough.

ii.

they try.

they try again.

they try two times.

she rolls away from him now, tugs the sheets tighter around her, hidesherself. she doesn't allow herself to hope -- smothers the flame beforeit has a chance to catch. she doesn't want it to spill into anything tangibleanymore, not now, when she has to face the quiet smile roman gives heras they stand together in the bathroom, waiting. not now, when she has to remind herself that it did not work the last time, or the time before that,or the time before that so why should it now, why should it. not now, when she looks down and sees a single line, a single, solitary line thatmeans nothing, nothing nothing nothing.

not now, when she has to look up to roman's pinched face, the thinline of his mouth, his silent disappointment.

not now, when she catches the thought in the middle of the night whenshe is awake and roman is not: it's all my fault.

iii.

the light of the bathroom -- hers, this time, still hers -- catches the planesof roman's face in the wrong ways. he seems harsher, worn in ways heshouldn't be. not ways that she has never seen -- because she has, onceor twice, in the static silence of the late late night. it's the same feelingnow, this same discomfort, this same unrest, this same feeling that leavesher wanting to climb the walls and crawl right out of her skin.

a take-home test sits between them on the lip of the sink. she doesn'tneed to set the timer in the kitchen anymore; she already knows, by instinct, twisted angry instinct, how much time needs to pass.

her hands tremble when she picks the test up and looks at it.

a single line. a single, solitary line.

she hurls the test across the room, watches it hit the wall of the showerwhere she'd left the curtain pulled open that morning. it clatters into thetub, the only sound in the room.

without a word, she walks past roman, steps quick, get me away get meaway get me away from here.

her eyes burn.

iv.

they stop speaking to each other. 

she is satisfied, placated by her brittle brimstone anger. her shaking hands. her trembling voice. her anger, justified, turned inward, burning.

she buries two take-home tests in the small trash can in her bathroom,swipes angrily at the betraying wetness in her eyes. 

she packs a bag. she leaves a note. she takes off to the coast, running,always running, looking for a place to disappear. still, she doesn't knowif disappearing is getting harder or easier; doesn't know if she should bepleased or terrified by both.

she spends three days standing on the rocks, screaming into the ocean,angry in a way that she hasn't been in years. decades. angry in a waythat leaves her hollow, breathless, even with her chest heaving and hereyes burning, stinging with saltwater. even now, she can't help but thinkthat this is something else that has been taken from her, taken from them;something else that proves that no matter how much she wants somethingor hopes or wishes or needs, it's still farfetched, half-hopeless. 

(she drags herself home, to roman. knocks on his door in the middle ofthe night and tries to say something when he appears there, dark eyedand thin-lipped. i'm sorry is all she manages before she buries her facein his chest and cries.)

v.

still, they keep trying. 

lying awake in the inky black of their bedroom, she keeps her back to himwhen she says, maybe i'm not supposed to be a mother.

the unwavering steadiness of her voice makes the distinction clear.

vi. 

she takes one more test. just one more.

she wonders, in the minutes that tick so slowly past, what it is like to feel nothing at all, if it is satisfying or simply something else, another void that should be filled. 

she'll never know. when the test comes back positive, she realizes thatshe hasn't known fear -- terror and joy and disbelief and relief all tangledtogether -- until now.

[wasthecrimsondynamo]

maksimumvoltazh started following you

"What're you hiding behind your back?"

[iwasborncarefula-blog]

clara doing chores around the house to 'do you love me (now that i can dance)' and in the middle of a hair siwnging dance move ridley walks in and she freezes for a second before just going on swiffer mopping around him with her dorky dance moves

[badforyourhealthx-blog]

jo in the distance throwing condoms and lingerie t b h

[disintegrativeruin-blog]

ur forgetting 2 v important people u also need to talk to ridley 

[badforyourhealthx-blog]

i swear to god if the next time they meet and liam tries to act all cool

"do you happen to know ridley" "ya"

"gDI"

[iwasborncarefula-blog]

i disappear for an hour and suddenly ridley is going to propose to clara???

[disintegrativeruin-blog]

roman & ridley when he gets a crush on clara

[disintegrativeruin-blog]

is ridley taking after his mom and becoming the mama bear

[restefort-blog]

no but what if I made a bad girls verse

like instead of idolizing her parents she rebels against the pressure of being the oldest sibling and legacy

[iwasborncarefula-blog]

second generation is taking over my life

[badforyourhealthx-blog]

maksimumvoltazh replied to your post:http://mangowasabi.tumblr.com/post/90305305732/save...

omg

i'M A LITTLE WEIRDED OUT

DO THEY THINK SHE IS A REAL PERSON ??

[disintegrativeruin-blog]

roman and jo / shilah and jo

roman & josephine

who is more dominant in the bedroom?: Roman.

who complains the most?: It depends on the day and the occasion; they both have their complaints, and they both listen to them. They can be anything from something work-related to the weather (this, of course, is usually Roman).

who’s the laziest?: Josephine. Not to the point of it being a problem, but she's perfectly content spending a day off in bed or on the sofa doing very little. 

who wakes up the earliest?: Usually, Roman. Josephine is a restless, light sleeper who is used to getting only a handful of hours, but Roman is used to waking up at a certain time every morning and he sticks to it. 

who does the chores around the house?: It's an even split. Roman is neater than Josephine is, but they both lend a hand around the house; how well they're done is another matter entirely.

who is the most protective of the other?: Both of them are. They might not admit it -- especially not to each other -- but they're both aware of it, in their own way.

who gets jealous the easiest?: Josephine. She gets jealous very, very easily, and she does a poor job of hiding it.

and a song or group of songs that describes the ship: Night Terror - Laura Marling ; Pyotr - Bad Books ; Cosmic Love - Florence + the Machine ; In Our Bedroom After the War - Stars.

shilah & josephine

who is more dominant in the bedroom?: Both of them have their moments. They're both instigators, playing off one another, and it's reflected in the bedroom, too.

who complains the most?: Josephine. 

who’s the laziest?: It depends -- they're both busy, usually, with their duties on the ship, but they do have their days where they're feeling lethargic.

who wakes up the earliest?: Shilah. Josephine enjoys sleeping late, when she's able; Shilah still wakes up on a set schedule, a routine too drilled into his head for anything to change.

who does the chores around the house?: Both of them. Neither of them seem to enjoy them, though.

who is the most protective of the other?: Shilah, but only just. Josephine is, too, almost to a fault, but she hides it a little more than Shilah does.

who gets jealous the easiest?: Josephine, always.

and a song or group of songs that describes the ship: Stay With Me - Sam Smith ; Laughter Lines - Bastille ; Please Don't Say You Love Me - Gabrille Aplin ; Beating Heart - Ellie Goulding.

[iwasborncarefula-blog]

clara and josephine on the same wavelength suddenly

ridley was mugged who was it ill murder them

[badforyourhealthx-blog]

June is Ridley's best friend and almost like a sister, but not quite, different than that. He teases her more than he teases anyone else (probably besides liam) bc he loves her

gonna put bugs in ur hair bc we're bffs