#maty healy

[justanamesstuff]

Loving you is...

Matty feels emotional before a show. He lets his gf know how much she means to him.

A/N: Wasn't planning to post, but here we are. Hope you like it guys ♥ Word count: 0.6 k

Warning: fluff, pre-show anxiety, typos.

“You are so unaware of how beautiful you in fact are.” Matty expressed, after taking a drag from his cigarette. 

She looked at him, taking a peek around the empty back side of the arena. Matty insisted her to tag along with him. He was letting his nerves got the best of him, she wanted to ease it somehow. The girl decided that maybe the best way was to keep him company. 

“Next album's name?” She teased him.

Jokes were a way to comfort each other. Since they were friends until after, Matty confessed his feelings for her and asked to be his boyfriend. They had a long list of inside jokes. She smiled, staring at his uneasy silhouette. 

“Ha-ha…no,” Matty moved his tie from side to side, not happy with the position of it. “The new album…” He continued saying. “Your album-“

“Matt-“ Matty’s girlfriend protested.

They had the conversation about him writing about her multiple times along the years. She wasn’t all too comfortable with the idea. It wasn’t like she felt ungrateful, on the contrary. Even though, thinking about strangers and not so strangers know about the love she was happy to feel and live without the rest of the world knowing, made her mind spiral.

“It’s going to be more conceptual,” Matty kept going, because he was adamant to write an entire album about her, about the love of his life. “Because you like those more. The name it’s going to be shorter probably…still thinking about it.” He admitted to her, as well as he tried -expecting her not to notice- to bring her onboard. 

“You are going to do it, huh?” She smiled wide at him. It was so hard to be mad at him for longer than five minutes.

“‘Course baby…who else I’m going to write about if it’s not you?”

“Don’t know…politics?” She shrugged her shoulders, folding her arms in front of her body. 

“I can add a pinch of that, but no,…it’s going to be about-” Matty brought her into a hug. “Founding the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. And not in a vague, empty, stereotyped way…” He went into a spiral of words, explaining his idea. “Really, it’s going to be about founding you.” Matty stated, leaving a sweet kiss on her nose. “You're not the other half missing, as I’m not that for you either. It’s this thing I feel-” He patted his chest, on the place his heart was. “When I’m with you…about feeling, in a way, complete. Also, you make me better, I want to be better when I’m with you…be better for you-“

“There’s no one better for me than you, Matty.” She spoke lower, so only he can hear, even when they were alone. 

“I know…I know now! Sharing this life with you lights up everything…and I don’t want to say that every past pain, ended relationship, was worth it because I would found you at the end, but it was- It is.” Matty let his girlfriend know. “I’m sorry, I’m getting emotional, and ramble like a fuckin’ idiot.” Matty apologized, running his hand through his curls. 

“Don’t be sorry…come here…” She managed to pull him in a tight hug without spilling the tears polling in her eyes. 

Matty pulled slowly back, to rest his forehead on hers. 

“I love you so much…and words aren’t enough. I’ve never imaged I can feel this deep about someone. I do now.” 

“I love you too, baby.”

“Please don’t leave me, ever.” He pleaded, wearing his feeling on the sleeve of his shirt. 

“I won’t.” His girlfriend promised. 

“Spend eternity with me?”

She let a cute laugh out. “Sure, sounds like a nice plan!”

[yourtouchismidas]

Blurb idea:

I’m imagining Gigi is around 2/3 years old at this point and mattys been turning her into a little Newcastle United fan ever since she was born, so he buys her a football kit and takes her to her first ever newcastle football game and she’s so excited

omg yes this except i think rg, being a manchester girlie, supports man city and therefore they have been trying to bring gigi up to support two different teams. matty at one point compares it to bringing her up in two different religions.

so matty's dad has phoned him at work and said he has tickets and can him and gigi and you make it, and he rocks up home with a bag and you are like "what's that?"

"nothing you need to know about," he says, walking past you through the corridor, "where's my girl?"

gigi is playing with her toys in the play room and yells daddy and runs at him when she sees him.

"there's my little newcastle fan," he says, crouching down and scooping her into a hug.

"no gigi," you say, "we support man city. you're a manny baby. okay?"

"i like football," gigi says, stroking matty's curls absentmindedly.

matty rolls his eyes "always so diplomatic. you dont have to lie to mummy, gi. i know you like newcastle better."

"okay," you wink at gigi, "you tell him that baby but we will know better won't we?"

gigi has already got on hand in the bag matty brought and so matty says, "got you a present baby, look" and pulls out the little kit.

"oooh!" gigi says.

"she already has one," you says from behind.

"she needs the new season. or she is going to look ridiculous. do you want people to laugh at our daughter? do you?"

"oh fuck off, matty," you say laughing.

"gotta look fresh for saturday, haven't we love?" he says, already pulling of the zoo animal top gigi has on to put the new kit on.

"saturday?" you ask.

"we're going to see newcastle play with my dad," matty says, grinning at rg.

"you are not taking my baby to a newcastle game," you say, folding her arms.

"yes i am," he says, getting up and winding his arms around her waist. "and i'm taking you too."

"i'm wearing my man city shirt," he says.

"your funeral," he says, kissing her softly on the cheek, "missed you today."

"stop trying to be nice to me," you say, sticking her bottom lip out dramatically.

"oh stop it,"

"i wanted her first game to be a man city one," you whines.

"oh dear," matty says, immitating her whining.

she does a big fake frown at him and he smiles, "you're so cute when you're mad. look at that little wrinkle in your forehead," he strokes it with one finger, "and your sad lip," he pinches it softly between his fingers and thumb and then kisses you, sucking on your bottom lip until you forget what you were talking about in the first place.

"fine we will go," you say, when you come to, dizzy with the kiss.

so you all end up going, and you have to admit gigi looks pretty damn cute in her little footballer outfit and white sneakers. you've done her hair in two pigtails with ribbons tied round in team colours. you guys wind through the crowd, matty holding your hand firmly and gigi in his arms looking around at all the people and the big stadium.

"grandad!" she yells, and points, and there is matty's dad waiting for you all by the entrance gate. gigi leans out of matty's arms to get into her grandads and he gives her a big kiss on the cheek.

"you excited?" he asks her and she nods hard.

"i love football!" she yells and then matty nudges her so she yells "i love newcastle!"

a few people around you look over and chuckle, and you roll your eyes and nudge matty in the ribs but he grabs you into a hug and kisses you head.

"you want a burger gigi girl?" matty's dad asks her and then take her over to the van that is selling them. the burger is the same size as gigi's face and her eyes go wide when she tastes it.

"yum?" matty says.

"yum!" gigi agrees.

when you go into the stadium, gigi plays around at your feet and waves to a few other children that are there but when the game starts she is mesmorised. when newcastle first score, and the whole crowd goes wild, she isn't expecting it and jumps and then starts crying and buries her head into matty's shoulder. matty is laughing at her but jiggles her up and down and says, "it's okay, baby, that means we're winning! newcastle are winning!"

"winning?"

"yeah!" matty says. so she pops her teary face out again and sniffs, looks around a bit and then continues to watch. next time newcastle score, she cheers and claps too.

"that's my girl!" matty says.

[ughgoaway]

secret santa // day 1

content warnings; swearing, mention of boners, drinking?, pining and stressed matty lol

a/n; day 1 wooooo!!! For some reason, this is my longest fic i have for the 12 days, so we are starting with a bang, i guess?? I'm not totally sure how I feel about this fic... but tbh I never like anything I post, so that's not really new lol

word count; 4.2k

(this fic takes place pre-relationship)

12 days masterlist

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“Daddy!” is the first thing Matty hears when his daughter comes bounding into the house after school that day. Adam follows behind her with an exasperated look on his face, and her bright pink unicorn backpack slung over his shoulder.

“Hi mate, Annie has some very exciting news that she just can not stop talking about,” he says, stressing the fact that she just will not stop talking. Matty gives his friend an understanding nod as he takes his daughter's bag.

“Ah wow, how exciting! I can't wait to hear all about it,” Annie opens her mouth to talk, but Maty quickly cuts in before she can start, “After Uncle Adam leaves, okay? Say, thank you for picking me up to Uncle Adam!” 

Annie comes bounding up to Adam and hugs his legs. He can't help the smile that breaks out on his face. “Thank you, Uncle Adam!!” Annie says, looking up at him with that cheeky face he loves so much. Adam pats her head and waves to Matty before swiftly leaving to hang out with his much more peaceful son.

Matty manages to corral his daughter to sit at the kitchen table to share her very thrilling news, Annie is practically vibrating in her seat with excitement. Despite her palpable eagerness, Annie waited until Matty had sat down and given her a nod to start talking, something they had been working on.

As soon as she got the nod, words started vomiting out of Annie's mouth at a speed most people wouldn't be able to decipher. But if anyone was an expert on little Annie Healy, it was her dad.

“I get to do the Secret Santa!!” Annie eventually says, grinning so wide that Matty isn't sure her cheeks won't split. He pauses for a second, trying to process his daughter's words. How does she even know what secret Santa is?

“Oh wow, darling!” he says, fieigning happiness for his daughter, but his face tells another story, “That's great, sweetheart, but what does that mean exactly? Secret Santa with your friends? I thought we already got them presents?” Matty distinctly remembers about 2 hours in the Tesco toy aisle choosing out the perfect toy for each of her friends.

“Not for my friends silly,” Annie says sighing, as if her father's obliviousness was just so ridiculous, “for Miss y/n!!!” she smacks her hands on the table with a flourish, acting like this was an obvious piece of information.

Well, it certainly piqued Matty's interest. As did anything that involved your name, really. He remembers last month when someone got hired at Dirty Hit with the same name as you. Matty nearly got whiplash with how fast he turned when he first heard someone say “Y/n is here to see you!” The disappointment on his face must have scared the poor intern half to death. He quickly fixed his expression and was polite, but he felt his pulse racing under his skin.

“Ooh wow, munchkin, that's awesome! Did they give you a note or anything for me to have a look at?” Matty asks. He's sure they wouldn't trust a 6-year-old to relay this information.

Annie perked up at his words, “Oh yeah!” She says, jumping off her chair and scurrying over to her backpack. She unzips her bag and starts furiously pulling out different objects. Matty isn't sure how it all fits in. It's like Mary Poppins bag. She pulls out 5 books, 2 jumpers, 6 pieces of mystery paper, 2 toys (that she is not allowed to bring to school) and one of mayhems toys before she shrieks out an “Aha!” and in her hand is a crumpled pink slip of paper.

she brings it over to Matty excitedly and shoves it into his hand before straightening her back and puffing her chest out, clearly proud to have been chosen. Matty laughs at his daughter's infallible confidence before trying to straighten out the paper enough to read what's written.

“Okay let's see…” Matty says to himself, “Congratulations! If you have received this note, you have been chosen for our teacher's Secret Santa program! We at bridgeside school believe that our amazing teachers also deserve gifts this holiday season, so we choose one student from each teacher's class to be their Secret Santa. Don't worry, parents, there's a £10 limit so no need to go too wild! Students are picked based on enthusiasm and progress in school, so you should be proud to be picked! Please ensure all gifts are given to reception by Monday next week to allow time to distribute them. Thank you!” Matty finishes reading the note under his breath, and he can't help but grin to himself at the fact Annie was specially chosen.

He puts the paper down on the table and turns around to Annie, who is standing beside him with a nervous look on her face. Matty pauses for a few seconds before jumping and grabbing her, Annie shrieks at the sudden attack. He pulls her onto his lap and begins tickling all over her, revelling in her roaring laughter and infectious smile.

“Specially chosen, huh!” Matty says loudly to his daughter, still squeezing her tight in his arms and tickling where he can reach. Annie nods as best she can whilst being attacked with tickles, and Matty laughs at her gappy grin.

He soon lets up and leaves Annie sitting in his lap, looking happy as can be, “I know, Daddy!! The headmistress came to me today and said it because I've been trying so hard at my spelling!” she says, the look of pride on her face made mattys heart swell.

He remembers the late nights of practising her spelling. At the last parent’s evening, you had brought up Annie was falling behind a small bit in the weekly spelling tests. Not too much, but enough where some work at home would be beneficial. So Matty dedicated every Monday night as spelling night, and he and Annie sat and worked on it. He couldn't be happier that their hard work was recognised or that she's making such good progress.

It's then that the gravity of the situation at hand hits Matty. He has to buy a gift for you. For YOU. For the woman he… cares a great deal about. What does he buy? And for only £10! What good can he get with that? He didn't want to give you a shitty bottle of wine, this is his first opportunity to give you a gift and he wasn't about to fuck it up with a bad pinot.

Knowing he was about to spiral, Matty sent Annie off with a genuine smile and a quick hug. Annie being Annie, ran off oblivious to her dad's growing stress and began trolling around the house looking for mayhem. She had got some new hairclips in a magazine and was determined to give him a makeover.

Before he could go completely insane, Matty ran into the kitchen for his phone and just dialled the most recent number he called. Anyone would help right now, Matty was just sick of his own mind. 

“Hey Matty, you alright?” Ah, Adam, perfect. He was level-headed, a good dad, and knows how to deal with Matty’s hysteria. 

“Adam.” Matty starts in a disturbingly calm voice, “How could you just LEAVE when you knew what Annie was going to say?!?!” Matty scolded his best friend and was just met with the sound of laughter over the phone. 

“Why would I stay? It's no big deal, right? You have said on many occasions you feel totally neutral about Miss y/n, so I felt no need to stay” Adam teased, having had many conversations with Matty about his clear crush on you.

He first saw it at the school parent's day, he and Matty were casually chatting when you walked over and he saw his friend change in front of his eyes, suddenly becoming a lovesick 16-year-old. But Matty insisted he didn't have feelings for you, according to Matty he was “remarkably and totally neutral towards you”. 

Adam decided this news was a great way to test this theory. As soon as he heard Annie chattering on, he knew Matty would freak out, grab his phone, and call him. So when he got home, Adam simply made a cup of tea and sat down with his phone in his hand, waiting for a call. And 20 minutes later, his phone rang.

Silence is all Adam heard over the phone for a good few seconds, and he could almost see Matty weighing up his options with that scrunched-up face he does. He picked up his tea and loudly took a sip, reminding Matty of his presence.

On the other end of the line, Matty was doing exactly that. Does he embarrass himself and admit his feelings in exchange for help? Or does he fight to keep the last shred of dignity he had?

“Fine. I really really like her. Are you happy now?” Matty sighed, deciding that any dignity he might have had in the eyes of Adam died when he found him passed out in a bin with George at 19.

Adam grinned teasingly on the other side of the phone but decided to leave any real teasing for in person. It's just no fun when you can't see Matty's cheeks gradually turning more pink. “Okay. now that we've got that out of the way, what the fuck are you gonna get her?”

Matty scoffed at his friend's question, “Mate. Why the fuck do you think I'm calling? I have no idea!! I don't want to be boring and just get a candle and a bottle of wine.” Matty pauses thoughtfully for a moment before returning to his ramble, “although she does like candles. I remember her saying her apartment is covered in them, she even set off the smoke detector once. And she is always smelling like Jasmine so maybe that is her favourite scent? God she smells so good, you know I think her shampoo is apple and that mixed with-”

Adam cut Matty off before he started giving him your home address and national insurance number, “Dude how do you know what scent shampoo she uses? God, you're such a stalker. Don't go full Dahmer on this girl, yeah?” Adam jokes.

“It's not my fault she has nice hair! Anyway, shut up. You are not being helpful right now” Matty whines petulantly, and Adam realises he's actually freaking out about this. He decided it was time to go full dad mode and be supportive.

“Right, it's clear you know a lot about her, so why don't we focus on that? Do you know her favourite perfume or something? Maybe some jewellery she wants? I’m assuming you are not sticking to the £10 limit”

Matty simply scoffs, confirming Adam’s suspicion. Before he can continue throwing ideas at Matty, he hears him gasp, “I know what to get her!” Matty says excitedly.

Once again, silence falls over the two men, and Adam sighs, knowing what Matty wants, “and what is that, Matthew?” he says with sarcastic excitement filling his voice. 

Adam can hear the grin over the phone as Matty speaks, “I'm going to get her a copy of “The Little Prince” but a proper nice one, first edition in the original French and everything” he puffed out his chest in pride as he finished, despite no one being around to see him.

“A kid's book? Matty shes a teacher. I'm sure she's sick of kid’s books, why would you get her that? Does she even know French?” Adam can't help but think Matty saw a copy on her desk and just assumed she liked it. Maybe she was just teaching with it, and Matty took the idea and ran.

“No no, you don't get it,” Matty starts, “it was her favourite book as a kid. She was obsessed and read it cover to cover so many times the spine fell apart. She told me that this book is what made her want to teach. As soon as she read it, she went into her class the next day and did a whole presentation on it, read it to her whole class, and answered questions." Matty envisioned an 8-year-old you buzzing with excitement talking about the book, your teacher smiling and encouraging as you were blabbering on.

"She had a copy from her grandmother that she treasured, but it got lost in the jumble when she moved. It was in the original French, and she learnt French just to be able to read it. Nothing means more to her than this book.” As he finished, Matty noticed the massive grin on his face, something that was inevitable whenever he spoke about you.

He decided not to talk about the one time he actually heard you speak French, not wanting to share the experience of trying to hide a boner during a school-wide meeting and sneaking off to his car pretty quickly after it wrapped up.

Adam was taken aback by Matty's words. Who was this person, and what did he do to his best mate? He's pretty sure for his last situation-ships birthday, Matty got her a card with a bouquet of lilies. And she was allergic to lilies.

But here he was, considering things you loved in childhood, things that actually mean something to you. He had never seen Matty so infatuated with someone, remembering every little thing they ever said.

Matty was in love with you. 

“Fuck man you are whipped” is what Adam decided to say, not sure whether Matty had come to the whole “love” realisation by himself yet.

“Ha ha ha, Adam you're so funny.” Matty said, his voice dripping with sarcasm, “So do you think it is okay? She’ll like it?” he anxiously chewed on his nails as he spoke, desperate not to fuck this up.

“It's perfect. She's gonna love it, if you can find one that is” came Adam's response, he decided to lay off the comedic responses for a little bit, just to stop Matty from having a mental breakdown. 

“Oh I'll find one. Otherwise, I'll have to get her a candle, and that's just shite” his confidence was clear through the phone. And a determined Matty is someone who gets something done, whether you like it or not.

As soon as he knew what to get, he practically hung up on Hann mid-sentence, but he stayed long enough to give him a rushed goodbye. Not quite long enough to say thank you, however, but Adam got a text a few seconds later simply saying, “Thank you, I needed that”

Adam, being a middle-aged man, simply sent back a thumbs-up emoji, ‘an image that speaks a thousand words’ he thought.

////

After a week of calling every rare bookshop in the area, Matty managed to get his hands on a first edition of “The Little Prince”, for substantially more than £10 but that secret was between him, god and his wallet. 

He explained to the school that Annie wanted to give her gift to you personally, so he asked if he could bring it directly to you on Friday. By some grace of god, the school agreed, and here Matty was standing outside your door gift bag in hand and pulling anxiously at his shirt.

“Matty!” You say in shock as you open the door, a beaming smile on your face. Matty took in your dress and almost had to grip the door frame to steady himself. It was the staff Christmas party that night, and it was clear you were all dressed up and ready. You stood in a sleek black dress, nothing glittery or fancy, but the way it looked on you had Matty's hands itching to touch you.

“I'm here too miss y/n” came a little voice from below. You were too busy staring into Matty’s eyes and watching them skirt over your body. 

“Oh, Annie! I'm so sorry, sweetheart, your daddy is so tall I almost missed you!” You laugh out and pat Annie's head in apology. Matty couldn't help but preen at the mention of his height.

“I'm so sorry to interrupt you. You look amazing, by the way. Well, not like - not amazing in a creepy way - I mean-” Matty stuttered, trying to get back to his point. You simply nod along with his words and bit the inside of your cheek to hide the smirk threatening to break across your face.

“Anyway,” Matty said after he pulled himself together with a shake of his head, “we're here to give you your Secret Santa present! Annie, do you want to pass it to miss y/n?” he patted his daughter on the back and passed her the gift.

With flushed cheeks and a pink nose from the cold, Annie grinned up to you and passed the bag over. Matty had added a few filler presents, a candle and a bottle of perfume Annie chose, and that he thought you'd like. Just the book felt… odd. A little too personal, maybe, he didn't want to scare you off with his slightly stalker-like tendencies.

“Wow! Thank you, Annie! I didn't think I was even in this year's Secret Santa!” You lie, you knew Annie was your gift giver the day she got chosen. That cheesy smile wouldn't leave her face all day.

Annie giggled clung to her dad's leg, suddenly feeling shy at the attention. Matty simply smiled at his daughter and began to fiddle with her curls.

“Okay well, we will leave you to go to your party now. I hope you have a good time! Say bye to miss y/n Annie,” Matty prompts his daughter, who gives you a wave and runs away. Matty spins on his heels and begins to follow before turning around to say one last thing. 

“I meant what I said earlier, by the way. You look beautiful” he said with a bashful smile, acting almost as shy as his daughter just had. 

Words escaped you at that moment. You wanted to run and give him a hug for the present and a kiss for the compliment, but you simply whispered, “Thank you, Matty.”

The door had barely clicked shut, and you had already all but ran to your desk to open your present, your heart in your mouth at the prospect of a gift from Matty. Well, technically from Annie, but you're pretty sure if Matty gave her £10 and let her loose in Tesco, the present would end up being something totally random like a bag of celery.

But maybe you were reading too much into this. Your silly schoolgirl crush has just been growing and growing over the passing months. Your heart aches for Matty. It has gotten to the point where you sit in bed late at night and perform autopsies on conversations you had months ago. Desperate to find something said in the unsaid, something new.

You won't see him for a week, and you'll convince yourself it's just a physical attraction thing, a casual crush. But then you see him swooping in at pick up with his rockstar sunglasses and beautiful curls, and you feel your heart stutter and pause. Every time you speak with him, butterflies hammer at your ribs, and your brain seems to just stop around him. Much to your embarrassment. 

Recently, you vowed to be more natural around him, totally normal. However, trying to play it cool and casual is a great plan in theory, but attempting to do that whilst looking into his eyes is an almost impossible task.

But tonight, you managed to at least play it off like Matty's comment didn't knock the wind out of you. His calling you beautiful was going to go around and around in your head for weeks. You wish you could have memorised the moment better. You should focus on his shy smile or the way he wrung his hands together anxiously. Maybe even the look of pure love in his eyes.

But you were too busy internally repeating to yourself “Don't fall over. Don't act like a twat. Make sure to smile and not freeze.” so all of those small things got lost in the jumble of thoughts.

As you pulled the tissue out of the paper, a waft of matty hit your nostrils. god, were you that desperate that even tissue paper smells like him now? You could swear it has that same musk and warmth that follows him around.

Little did you know Matty had to actively choose not to constantly think about you. He has to try not to think about the way you bite your lip when you're focusing on something. Or the way you fiddle with your hair when you're nervous, twisting it around your fingers absentmindedly. Or even the way your cheeks flush when someone compliments you, the way it spreads from your cheeks to over your nose and down to your neck. He has to really try not to think about your neck, to not obsess over the thought of pressing kisses up and down it as you giggle into him. But alas, he had actual adult responsibilities, much to his dismay, so he couldn't just sit and analyse you every waking moment.

You stick your hand in and grab something that feels like a candle, and it is… oh. It's a candle. Huh.

You're not disappointed. It smells good and has a beautiful jar, but you can't help but feel slightly odd at the lack of warmth. But whatever, you were expecting too much anyway. A candle and a bottle of wine are perfectly normal Secret Santa presents, and why should you expect anything other than that? Just because you were lusting after Matty doesn't mean he thought about you any longer than he had to.

You shake off any disappointment you had and resign yourself to the idea that this is a totally normal parent present. There won't be anything amazing or showstopping. The budget was £10 and you're sure not even world famous rock star Matty Healy could get anything good with that.

You pull out the perfume next, immediately smiling as you notice it's your favourite scent, jasmine. What a lucky guess. It's a nice bottle, too. It had you immediately thinking of a use for it afterwards, the same way any nice bottle or jar does. You must have a collection of 20 candle jars on your mantle at home filled with knickknacks, little things from the kids, or strange porcelain figures you didn't have the heart to leave in a charity shop.

The bag is still heavy in your hands, but you scrunch your face in confusion. Surely there's no budget left? Tentatively, you reach in and feel a book, which is even more confusing to you, but you pull it out anyway, interested to see what Matty thought you read.

Oh. fuck. 

There in your hands was your childhood in physical form, the curly script reading “le petit prince.” Your eyes skirt over the cover as they well up. Slowly, you spin the book around and audibly gasp as you look it over, admiring its worn spine and somehow pristine cover. 

Your vision is foggy, tears gathering at your lash line and you're intent on not letting them fall, but as soon as you open the book and a small certificate of authenticity falls out you can't help but wetly laugh in shock as tears stream down your cheeks.

The first edition of your favourite book of all time. The book that meant everything to you, everything to your grandmother. You never thought you'd see a first edition in real life, let alone own one.

With shaky hands, you carefully pull apart the pages and begin to read, muttering the french under your breath. Tears drip onto the desk and blow you. You sniffle and bring a shaky hand up to wipe them away, but it's futile. They continue to find their way down your cheeks.

With a pounding heart, you place down the book with the care of handling a newborn baby, and as you do so a small white slip of paper under the certificate catches your eye. You slide it out from under and try and read it despite your wet eyes.

“To y/n,

I know this is over the limit, but I also know what this book means to you. I still remember talking about it in depth on World Book Day. Us two huddled in a corner, trying to escape the other parents. Your vulnerability and honesty that day meant so much to me. Thank you for sharing. also, thank you for being the very best teacher to my little girl. I don't know where either of us would be without you. Anyway, I'll stop rambling now, Let's keep this gift between us, though, huh? I wouldn't want Mr. Johnson from the year 5 class to find out his nice cheese platter isn't the best gift of the year.

Happy holidays darling, 

Matty x”

Well, safe to say any hope of that crush faltering had just died and gone to hell. 

[abfe]

Mi obsesión por este hombre desapareció hace algún tiempo, pero yo siempre amare su musica y su extraña personalidad.

The 1975🫀 Maty Healy

[sylv3onpropaganda]

on the maty healy situation, i am so pissed. i really dont know how else to say it. i genuinely cannot fathom saying that taylor is “seeing the best in him” when racism / sexism / antisemitism / whatever other horrible things h**ly has done ABSOLUTELY cancels out “the best of him”. i do not care that he is being “satirical” or “putting on a bit” being racist as a “joke” harms so many people. it’s normalizing making racist comments with no repercussion. as swifties NEED to understand that it is not our obligation to support every thing that taylor has done and it is our job to hold her accountable. it is very possible to disagree with her actions and still appreciate her art! in fact i’m sure most artists would encourage this! it’s not really my place to comment on what taylor should and should not do for her poc fans because i am white, but this overall situation is making me so disappointed in taylor. i really expected better

[loves-quinns]

kaitlyn my love! not to bring u back to this ‘hell site’ but wanted to say, i noticed ur absence, and miss your presence🧡 hope you’re doing alright!

I’ve been refusing to come on here because I’ve been refusing to have Taylor’s potential relationship with Maty Healy confirmed so imma make this brief: I miss parts of this site (Taylor swift gifs, lesbians) but I’m doing well and thank you for letting me know my presence is missed and absence noticed love ya 💞

[midnightsslut]

do you like maty healy? he's gross

no

[yellow-kudzu]

Maty Healy engaged and Charli xcx wrote a song on brat hoping he breaks up with Taylor so she doesn't have to interact with her??? Reputation rerecord is going to be insane.

[senysti]

harry stiles and maty healy are the same person to me

[wikiuntamed]

On this day in Wikipedia: Sunday, 23rd July

Welcome, こんにちは, Willkommen, Benvenuto 🤗 What does @Wikipedia say about 23rd July through the years 🏛️📜🗓️?

23rd July 2022 🗓️ : Death - Zayar Thaw Zayar Thaw, Burmese politician and rapper (b. 1981) "Zayar Thaw (Burmese: ဇေယျာသော် [zèjà θɔ̀], also called U Phyo Zayar Thaw or Zeya Thaw; 26 March 1981 – 23 July 2022) was a Burmese politician and hip-hop artist who was detained for the perceived anti-government messages of his lyrics. Amnesty International named him a prisoner of conscience. He was..."

Image by U.S. Department of State

23rd July 2018 🗓️ : Event - 2018 Attica wildfires A wildfire in East Attica, Greece caused the death of 102 people. It was the deadliest wildfire in the history of Greece and the second-deadliest in the world, in the 21st century, after the 2009 bushfires in Australia that killed 180. "A series of wildfires in Greece, during the 2018 European heat wave, began in the coastal areas of Attica in July 2018. 104 people were confirmed dead from the Mati fires. The fires were the second-deadliest wildfire event in the 21st century, after the 2009 Black Saturday bushfires in Australia..."

Image licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0? by Geraki

23rd July 2013 🗓️ : Death - Arthur J. Collingsworth Arthur J. Collingsworth, American diplomat (b. 1944) "Arthur J. Collingsworth (February 28, 1944 – July 23, 2013) was an American United Nations official, international student exchange executive, consultant on international fund raising and real estate investor. He lived in the United States, Japan, United Kingdom, Czech Republic and Germany...."

Image licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0? by Soapproductions

23rd July 1973 🗓️ : Birth - Fran Healy (musician) Fran Healy, Scottish singer-songwriter and guitarist "Francis Healy (born 23 July 1973) is a Scottish singer, songwriter and musician. He is the lead singer and lyricist of the band Travis, having written nearly all of the songs on their first six studio albums and their ninth, with the seventh and eighth being more co-written works. He is based in Los..."

Image licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0? by Tore Sætre

23rd July 1923 🗓️ : Birth - Amalia Mendoza Amalia Mendoza, Mexican singer and actress (d. 2001) "Amalia Mendoza García (10 July 1923 – 11 June 2001), nicknamed La Tariácuri, was a Mexican singer and actress. "Échame a mi la culpa" and "Amarga navidad" were some of her greatest hits. her best friend since youth was Martha De Miranda Jimenez "Martuquia" as she called her, she was her companion..."

23rd July 1823 🗓️ : Birth - Alexandre-Antonin Taché Alexandre-Antonin Taché, Canadian archbishop and missionary (d. 1894) "Alexandre-Antonin Taché, O.M.I., (23 July 1823 – 22 June 1894) was a Canadian Roman Catholic priest, missionary of the Oblate order, author, and the first Archbishop of Saint Boniface in Manitoba, Canada...."

Image by Benneto & Co.

23rd July 🗓️ : Holiday - Christian feast day: Heiromartyr Phocas (Eastern Orthodox) "Saint Phocas, sometimes called Phocas the Gardener (Greek: Φωκᾶς), is venerated as a martyr by the Catholic and Eastern Orthodox Churches. His life and legend may have been a fusion of three men with the same name: a Phocas of Antioch, a Phocas the Gardener and Phocas, Bishop of Sinope. ..."

Image by AnonymousUnknown author

[justanamesstuff]

Chapter 7

Seasons

Matty Healy x f!reader A/N: I can't believe we are soooooooo close to the end!! I hope you like the chapter and dont scream at me because Matty is being an absolute asshole lol LOVE YOU GUYSSS ♥ Warnings: ANGSTTTT, matty being a dick (again), breakup, typos. Word count: 4.8 K

MASTERLIST TAGLIST

< Chapter 6

One week later

Matty woke up one week later of the car ride with Y/n. The day had come sooner than he expected. Matty wished time during that week had passed slower than it did.  

After waking up, he had kept his sight fixed on the roof of his room, while his mind raced at 100 km/h. He didn’t want to start the day, he wanted to skip it completely. 

Why he had offered the woman of his dreams, the love of his stupid little life, his own house to present another man as her boyfriend…why? A few explanations infected his Matty’s mind. Lesson for the future: don’t offer anything when you’re drunk or high. 

At the same time regret was pumping inside his heart and brain, his mind was trying to settle a little because he had a main reason above every excuse: Matty loved Y/n with every part of his soul, and he wanted to make her wishes come true. Matty wanted her to be happy. So, if her wish was to present Tom to the rest of the group, who was he to deny that? 

Matty had no choice. It wasn’t like he could say ‘Oh, y/n…remember what I offered you, and we finished arranging like two days ago? Well, I’m not in the mood, or will be every in this mood for it. No, in a million years no. He had to put on his big boy pants and survived the day. Just for her.

Matty’s heart was swelling with the thought of Y/n choosing another man, thinking why on earth she didn’t love him back the way he did. He knew many things were wrong with him, the singer knew his sins and mistakes, but he craved her love no matter what. Matty expected Y/n to love him despite everything. Y/n was a kind soul that didn’t deserve an asshole like himself, even though he wanted her to be a little stupid and picked him.

In the same household, but in another part of the house, Adam was scared as well for the night ahead.

Since Matty told the rest of them what he offered Y/n, the guitarist was the least shocked. He knew Matty would do everything for the girl, as well as he knew the risks of the planned dinner. Adam was scared of Matty’s deep feelings, the selfish part of him that longed for her love. That part, he believed, was a beast that Matty thought he could tame perfectly when on the other hand Hann recalled many times of the opposite thing happening. 

Adam concerned lingered the entire week, from the car ride until the morning when he was making breakfast. He was really afraid of what Matty was capable of doing to fucked up the evening, even unintentionally. Hann wished to be wrong, but a felling deep inside his guts disagreed. 

“Mornin’.” Matty greeted his friend entering the kitchen.

“Hi.” Adam answered, analysing Matty’s mood. “How are you?”

“Dunno…fine, I guess?” he messed his curls running a hand in frustration.

Adam frowned, “You guess?” he asked, looking directly to his tea.

“Please, today is not the day.” Matty warned him, grabbing what he needed for his meal.

“Talking about that- “ Adam looked at Matty from the kitchen table.

“What about that?” Matty was trying really hard to avoid his gaze as much as possible.

“Ross is in charge of the food, George and Jaime already brought the drinks- “

“Amazing.” Matty replied with very little enthusiasm. “What I have to do?” he sat at the table, in front of Hann.

“Behave.” Adam stared directly at his best friend’s eyes.

Matty felt a pang on his chest. “I’m not a child.” he muttered. 

“That’s why I’m just telling you. It’s not an order, it’s an advice even.” Adam explained.

“Then stop wasting your saliva, I know what I have to do.“

“Do you? Really? You can’t fuck- “

“Hann,” Maty interrupted him. “I don’t need a fight right now or to be treated as a fuckin’ baby, alright?” Matty looked down, trying to calm down his nerves.

“Then let’s not fight.”

“Then stop telling this crap! I know what you know, what you think but…but I’m fine and I’m not- “

“You’re not what? I need to hear it from your mouth, Matty…because if you do- “

“Thanks for believing in me, mate.” Matty’s voice cut with sarcasm.

Adam sighed loud, “I just don’t want- “

“I’m not going to. For god’s sake! Please have some faith in me.” 

He wasn’t that stupid, Matty thought. He very well knew how he was supposed to behave. Why no one could believe him?

“Fine, but- “

“Shut the fuck up, Adam! I’m tired of this. Just shut up!” Matty said a little loud.

“Okay, but for the count I warned you.”

“Oh my god, you just can’t stop talking, can you?” Matty scoffed leaving the room.

Adam felt bad impersonating that kind of person, but he knew someone had to give Matty a little heads-up. 

*********************************

During the day the tension at the boy’s house increased minute by minute. Hann and Matty didn’t talk again, and the rest of the boys tried avoiding Matty like the plague. They knew that Matty was at the edge of exploding so better not push their luck. 

Y/n and Tom were meant to arrive at 7 p.m. A little before that, most of the guys finished arranging the house while Ross cooked the dinner for all of them. Meanwhile,  Matty continued securing himself inside his room, as he did the entire day. He was too into his head, preparing himself for the big event. He kept looking at his watch like his life depended on it. 

At 7:05 pm, while Matty was in fact looking at the object in his wrist, the doorbell rang loud. Y/n had a key, but as she always did, she would only use it if it were too necessary.

Matty could hear how probably George greeted the couple and invited them in, then he showed Tom the rooms before they arrived in the kitchen. Matty knew they were there because of the loud voice of the rest of the guys hugging Y/n and welcoming her partner. 

Like a child that hides inside their room from the visits, Matty was waiting for someone to call for him or something. He knew he was being a little too excessive, but he was going to avoid the rush of mixed feelings as long as he could. 

After noticing that no one was going to force him to do so and the fact that he didn’t want to worry Y/n mostly, with a loud –dramatic– sigh, he opened the door. At the same moment, Hann remembered his existence and shouted his name.

“Matty!”

“Shit mate, you didn’t have to scream. I’m here.” he came down.

“Whatever.” Hann turned around, not giving Matty too much attention to his childlike behaviour. 

The two friend arrived in the kitchen. Ross was talking about the food with Y/n and Tom, while George got drinks for everybody.

Y/n looked at the kitchen door at the exact moment Matty looked at her.

“Matty!” she exclaimed, sporting a big smile, moving from Tom’s side to hug him. In a twisted way, it pleased him.

“Hi, darlin’.” he hugged her back, hiding for a little his head on the crook of her neck. Breathing her sense that calmed his nerves like it always did.

“What were you doing that took you so long?” she teased him.

“He was probably looking at himself in the mirror.” George joked, making them broke apart and offering each a beer.

“Shut up, that’s you div.” Matty fought back.

“Well, come.” Y/n took his free hand and led him to where Tom was standing.

“Matty, Tom.” she signed from one to another, without letting go of his hand. “Tommy, Matty.” the frontman wasn’t sure if the nickname or if Y/n detaching her hand from his caused more pain to his heart. Y/n quickly returned to Tom’s side. 

“Hi, mate,” Tom said happily “I’ve heard a lot about you.” he approached Matty to greet him with bro’s salute Matty despise. The singer was a little stiff, but he tried not showing it. 

“Hi, Tom. Same.” he replied saying the last part directly to Y/n, who understood very well Matty’s message. Tom returned to round Y/N with one of his arms, and Matty awkwardly stood a pair of feet apart from them. “How are you doing?” he continued speaking to Tom.

“Good, good. I’ve never been better.” Tom said looking at Y/n.

Y/n looked up at his eyes, smiling, “Cheesy.” 

“Yeah, I can tell.��� Matty wasn’t sure of what to say or do.

The rest of the boys witnessed the scene partially happy for Y/n but, at the same time, feeling bad for their friend. They could tell the hurting look Matty couldn’t hide even though Y/n didn’t notice or was avoiding.

“Shall we eat?” Hann tried to save his friend from the awkwardness.

Ross peaked up announcing, “Dinner is ready!”

“Let’s sit then.” George told everybody.

The moved around the big table sitting in this way: one long side Hann, Matty and George, meanwhile in front Y/n sat facing Matty having Tom to her left side and Ross to her right.  

The night continued smoothly after the sitting moment. Ross served a spectacular meal, and the conversation flowed.

Hann and George played being the parents of Y/n and asked Tom about his intentions, about what he did for a living and all that kind of stuff. Even George didn’t hesitate telling her boyfriend awkward and embarrassing stories about Y/n. She was happy about how they were reacting to Tom’s presence. All her worries flew out of the window once they finished eating the main course. Even Matty, who was a little too silent for Y/n liking, was happy for her. At least, Y/n thought that admiring his drunk smile.

Matty reached to his few acting skills since he walked down the hall from the stairs towards the kitchen. He couldn’t show Y/n or any of the boys that he was so angry. His mind kept telling Matty over and over again the same stuff, letting himself down. He was so sad about not being the man that placed his arms around Y/n, the one she constantly looked at smiling wide. He used to be though. Matty, according to himself, was witnessing how little by little he was losing his place beside her, and his replacement was sat in front of his eyes.

He was a little mad at the moment with the guys too. They were really happy about the new couple. They never did that when he tried to be with her at the very beginning. Matty was getting stupidly jealous of his friends accepting Y/n’s partner. 

The booze helped to fog his mind more and more. Matty knew that drinking too much could make things worse in his mind, he didn’t stop. He subconsciously wanted this to go wrong. He wanted to say the truth, the things that were not being said out loud even in the worst way possible. It was eating him alive.

Y/n noticed Matty was dealing with something, although she didn’t connect it with her being in a relationship. After what they talk, and the fact that he told her he brooked up with Nadia, she thought that was the main reason. 

At the other side of the table, someone that knew almost every detail of Matty’s sorrows, noticed something was way too off about Matty at the moment. Instead of ignoring him as at the start of the evening, noticing the subtle drunk state, Hann tried to warn Matty subtly.

“Matty.” he leaned to his friend’s side, trying to catch only his attention and warned him. “Stop, now.”

Matty’s eyes connected with his from another dimension. “What are you talking about?” his mouth turning to a side, making it hard listening the words he was muttering out.

“I told you this morning- “

“I fucking- I fuck” he stuttered. “I fuckin’ know what you said, okay? Let me be. I’m not doing anything just drinking.” Matty brought his glass up to finish his drink.

“That’s the exact problem.” Hann said through gritted teeth. He wanted to shout more at his immature best friend, but Y/n looked at him, and he didn’t want her to suspect anything. He gifted her a weak smile.

“When do you guys leave for the USA?” Y/n asked looking first at Hann and then at Matty. The frontman looked at her angelic face. 

Matty was going to answer when Hann quickly said, “In a week or so, we’re meeting with the producer a little after we arrive. ”

“It’s true that Greta is going to be in?” Tom tried to make conversation.  

“I can’t tell you, mate. It’s a secret.” Matty answer, getting Y/n’s attention

“You can’t keep a secret, Matty. Not from us, not from me and I want to know.” Y/n joked. For her, it was an innocent joke, for Matty it equalled a dagger direct to his heart. He could keep big secrets, like the one his heart held. 

“I perfectly can!” Matty smiled at her, drinking more directly from a bottle this time.“Speaking of secrets, you kept it…this one” the bottle flew from side to side in the air when Matty tried to point at Tom’s face. “For a pretty long time, innit?” Matty’s smile never fell, making Y/n nervous

“Whatcha mean?” Y/n asked, giggling awkwardly after looking at Hann puzzled.

“You and Tommy boy, Y/n! Don’t ya’ remember? I mean- You keep that to yourself, ha?” Matty laughed to a never spoken joke.

“Matty,” she started to say. The rest of the table trying to decipher if they had to interrupt or not. For the time being, they stayed silent watching them talk as if it were a game of tennis. 

“It’s okay, love. I know, I know. I’m only your stupid best friend…why would you rush to tell me? Oh!” he sat straight into the chair as if he got a revolutionary new idea. “But you did rush to tell, G…didn’t ya?” Matty pointed out, lifting one finger of his right hand. “You told my mother too.” two fingers up. “But- yeah, I’m insignificant.” the singer took another sip from the bottle almost falling. 

“You’re being rude.” she stated, furious with him. Even though, she was determinate to not let him win. Y/n was against letting Matty know he was succeeding on ruining the night.

“Am I? What do you think boys?” Matty looked at the rest.

“Matty, let’s get you in bed.” Hann almost ordered him.

“I’m fine, Hann. We are just talking… right, Y/n?” Matty looked directly at her again.

“Yes, of course. We already talked about this, and it’s a private conversation don’t you think, friend?” she spat, still in control, but her anger was palpable.

“We are more than friends, sweetheart. Best friends!!” Matty mocked her.

“I insist- “Hann tried to say.

“Shut up, Adam”

“Hann, let him.“ 

The tension was high. Apart from the three of them, the rest of the presents, remain in completely silent. They still didn’t want to interrupt the ‘friends talk’ afraid of getting in the middle of the shooting.

The boys weren’t surprised at all. Who was surprised by Matty being a complete asshole? They did agree - in silence - what he was doing was another level of stupidity. On the other hand, Tom was more than intrigued. He wondered about the reason behind the bickering since there was an element he didn’t know. 

Tom quickly took notice of Y/n’s discomfort. His first instinct wanted to do something for her, to be there for her, but at the same time, Tom wanted to respect Y/n’s decisions.

Matty wasn’t going to drop the fight quickly, “You still don’t answer, friend.” 

“I’m not going to talk about this with you in this state, Healy.”

“So…I’m not any more your friend then?” he inquired, pushing all her buttons while taking once more a sip from the almost empty bottle.

“I’ll not have this conversation when you’re acting like a fucking prick!” she stood up.

“Matty, give me that!” George took hold of the bottle, taking it away from the singer. 

The frontman felt he was running out of time, “I’m the prick? Why didn’t you tell me?! And this time tell me the true!“ Matty stood up as well wobbling a lot.

“I already told you, I told you I was sorry. I told you the- “

“Don’t fucking think you can lie to me again!” he said loudly.

Y/n was sick of his attitude, “Don’t you fucking dear to yell at me!” she shouted leaning forward on the table.

“I think it’s time to go, Y/n.” Tom advised, standing beside her.

“And you to bed.” Hann held him from behind. Matty was moving like crazy.

After a quick look at Matty’s state, Y/n started to walk to the kitchen’s door, Tom following close behind her. Although Matty wasn’t ready for the fight to end. “Now you’re running away from me again, aren’t you?” he scuffed. “Coward.” the singer accused her.  

Y/n stopped dead in her tracks, so tired of this dramatic situation. She balanced to say something to him or just walked away. The rest waited for her reaction.

Even though, Matty spoke before her, “What does he have that I don't, Y/n?” Matty’s voice full of pain. A pain that broke him from head to toe when Y/n started walking away without looking at him.

Tom said a quick goodbye and followed her out of the boy’s house. 

When they heard the sound of the front door close behind the couple, Matty was sat on the closest chair. Hann turned to look at Matty with a stern look.

“Thank goodness I’d told you not to make a scene!”

“I didn’t…” Matty brushed his hand through his hair, pulling his roots.

“You didn’t- Fuck you, Matty!” Adam shouted at him and left the kitchen.

“You fucked it up big time, mate.” George told him.

“I- “

“You better not say anything, Matty. Let’s get you in bed.” G said to his best friend without any particular emotion in his voice.

Matty was so gone and drunk that he couldn’t notice the extent of what he just did. He was more hurt about her leaving without answering the last question. 

Tom and Y/n got in the car without saying a single word to each other. Their minds were so far from one and another. Tom was still so intrigued by what happened that night, and what was the motto of all. On the opposite side, Y/n was battling with so many feelings. 

Once again, Matty managed to fuck up her mind, her life…not matter how hard she worked for not letting him win. Nothing more occupied her mind on the way home. Matty was everything she could think about. That time, Tom couldn’t hold her full attention.

Her mind was cursing Matty for being so stupid, so selfish. So fucking immature. As well as asking herself why the fuck did he do that? What was the meaning of his behaviour? Was he still angry? They had talked about it! It made no sense, but she was sure she hated him at that moment. 

And the question: “What does he have that I don't, Y/n?” 

That question troubled her way more than all the shouting and dramatics. Y/n couldn’t pint point why Matty asked her something like that.

Her head started to hurt so badly, she wanted to cry. At the same time, Y/n wanted to ask Matty so many questions and shout at him for a good while. 

Why he had to make her life a mess all over again? Why does she continue to let him do that? Did she lie to herself for a couple of months thinking that everything was fine? When deep down she knew they had to solve so many unspoken truths.

……………………………….

Once they entered Y/n’s flat, she was ready to cry and pour her feelings but with Tom there she didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t responsible for her and Matty’s crap, and he didn’t have to deal with it.

“Y/n?” he asked slowly.

“Yeah?” she tried to smile at him, but her facial muscles didn’t answer.

“Do you wanna talk?” he remained away from her. Tom couldn’t read her mood, he didn’t want to push her either. 

“About what?”

“What just happened? What was all that?” he inquired.

“It was nothing.” she lied.

“Y/n…” he warned him.

Y/n passed around avoiding his eyes. “I don’t-” her voiced cracked a little. “I don’t even know what just happened, Tom, okay? Little do I know what to tell you.”

“Why he was so angry at you?” he tried to know.

“What do I know? I’m not him.” she scuffed. Y/n knew she shouldn’t take it out with Tom, but her mind was full of anger.

“Yeah, yeah. Totally. But- I mean,” he scratched the back of his neck. “You didn’t tell them, him, about us?” Y/n tried to massage her temples, the migraine was loud.

“You too with that?” she complained.

“I’m just asking, love. I want to help…I- “

“I know, I’m sorry.” she sat on the couch, Tom copying her shortly after.

“It’s fine. I understand.”

“I didn’t want to tell him about us.” she admitted.

Tom couldn't hide his surprise, “Oh.” he stared at her side profile.

“I don’t entirely know why.” Tom remained silent. “But little did I know he was going to be so angry at me…and we talked about it, he said it was fine. I don’t understand why he…” she thought out loud. 

Tom continued asking, “Why did he say you run away from him?”

“I don’t know, Tom.” she answered on the verge of tears.

“You never told me how do you guys met.”

“Because I didn’t want to tell you about us.” she admitted.

“What do you mean?”

“My story with Matty is complicated, Tom.”

“Did you guys…?” the actor let the unspoken question linger. 

“No, we’ve never.”

“Okay.” Tom fidgeted with the end of his jumper.

“I met Matty three years ago” Y/n started. “He offered me to drink with him and the rest of the boys.” y/n looked forward, way too into the memory. Tom stared at her side. “Matty tried to make a move on me.” she looked down, she didn’t want to look at his expression.

“And did you…?”

“No.”

“Okay.”

“We continued being friends. But- “

“But-?” Tom asked her. The gears in his mind started to work faster with this new information. 

“But I used to have feelings for him…until not so little ago.�� this time she looked at him.

“You what?” he exclaimed. She didn’t say anything. “Little ago…when?”

“After the quarantine.” she admitted.

“Oh, fuck.” he moved awkwardly on his place. “So while I was simping over you, you were like in…”

“No, no, don’t go there, Tom.” she took his hands on hers, panicking a little.

 “Then explain it to me, Y/n.” he turned to look at her.

“My feelings or not for him are way too far from what I feel for you, Tom.” she explained.

“Are they?” he immediately regretted the bitterness. 

“Yes! Hear me out, when we first meet I had feelings for him and during the quarantine maybe a little, but then I decided to move on…”

“And then you give me an opportunity?” he folded his arms, letting her hands fall on her lap.

“No! I mean, yeah- But- You’re getting it all wrong.”

“Am I? Because what I get here is that when you got tired of waiting for Matty you searched for a distraction, a replacement…and I, a massive idiot, was there waiting for you. So, then you used me and now we are here.” Tom stood painfully slow. 

“I never used you, Tom.” Y/n started to cry while begging him to believe her words.

“I think you fully did. “

“No, please.” she tried to approach him, but he moved far from her reach.

“Tom.“ she begged.

“I love you, Y/n.” he stated.

“I- “

“No, I don’t want to hear it. Just answer me this, are you in love with Matty? Do you still have feelings for him?” He asked, waiting for her reaction.

Y/n was not ready for him asking that. After the events of the night, y/n didn’t know where her heart and mind, where she stood. She needed a little time to think, so she stayed silent. Tom didn’t take it well.

“I get it.” he said defeated. 

“No, no- Wait!” she exclaimed.

“You don’t have to explain anything, Y/n. You already told me everything.”

“Tom, please. I love you, please!” she begged.

“But you love Matty more.” he stated. Tom’s heart was shattered in little pieces, he wanted to leave but at the same time tell her he’ll never put her through all that misery. He wanted to give her all his love without caring about her using him.

“I- No!”

“Please don’t, Y/n. I’m going to go now.” he started to say. “I think you require time to think. I don’t want to make this even worse.”

“Tom!” she didn’t know what to say to make him stayed.

“I love you, with all my heart.” he approached her this time, tugging her hair behind her ear. “But I can’t let you use my love when it is convenient for you. It hurts yourself and me too.” Tom was putting her in front of himself, even when she somehow told him she loved another man more.

“Please don’t leave me.” T/n took his hands, while he caressed her cheeks. The temptation to stay and calmed her was too irresistible for Tom, but he knew he had to.

“Maybe you need to be alone now, Y/n. You have to face your feelings.” he looked at her death in the eyes. “I’ll talk to you later, okay?” he kissed her on her forehead for a couple of seconds, and then he left her flat.

Y/n keep her eyes closed. She couldn’t bear just watch him leave her side. She only senses the lack of his warmth around her, and when she heard the click of the door she fell down to the floor.

Tom left her. She was lonely and hurt, her mind kept repeating that night all over again. How did she make the world stop? She wanted to get down. It was worse than a nightmare. 

As Tom said, Y/n was left alone after a good couple of months with her feelings. The plaster was ripped without care. She had to take care of it. 

Where to start? Who to blame? Could she blame anyone besides herself? 

Y/n was the one that feed her feelings for Matty during days, months, and years. She gave him the power to do with her whatever he wanted. Every time she returned to Matty -because in some way she had returned to his side again and again-, she got hurt, she got angry, or they fought. She always dealt with feelings that circle around him. And yeah, they talked about them, but the truth was never ever really told. The parched everything up until they fought again.

In the middle of all that, she hurt Tom. She hurt a man that truly loved her. He was right with that too, she didn’t love him as much as she loved Matty. Even after all what happened during that shitty night and before, she still loved him.

Matty was everything she ever wanted. Tom had been close, but he wasn’t Matty. Y/n had to face herself and deal with the truth that had been showned during that night. 

In only a few hours, Y/n presented her new partner, then fight with her best friend but the at the same time her love, all to end up breaking with the new partner who she used for her own porpoises while remaining angry at Matty.

Y/n had a lot to deal with, but the strength wasn’t there while she cried in the middle of her living room feeling so lonely and hurt. Feeling like she took steps back. Feeling like she lost too much.

Y/n didn’t know how to stand up, not only literally…metaphorically too. She knew she could have reached for George or someone, but she couldn’t move. Y/n felt like she didn’t deserve to be helped and that she had to deal with it all by herself. 

So she crawled as best as she could to her bed. Still crying she fell asleep thinking about Tom and Matty. 

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Taglist: @sinarainbows @eaglestar31 @sugarkane1001 @brittluvs1975

Chapter 8 >

[yourtouchismidas]

I loooved how ruined ended and how matty arrived just in time but I just keep wondering how he would’ve been if he was there with her the whole time, like helping her through contractions and everything omg my heart🫠🫠

omg he would be so gentle i think. very calm on the outside but absolutely bricking it secretly, but he would never show you that because he knows you need him to be strong. i think he would ask the nurse and any medical staff that came past if there was anything he could do to help or anything he could be doing better to support you. i think he holds your hand and lets you squeeze it through the pain even though it hurts him, and he says, who care about me and my hand, you're the important one here. in the quiet times in between he would sit gently on the hospital bed with you and hold you, stroking your hair so softly that it makes you relaxed. he'd also joke around doing fake asmr for you to create a relaxing environment.

i also think afterwards that there is a quiet moment just between the two of you, where the baby is sleeping, and they bring you tea and toast (which is so good matty goes on about it for months after, "ugh i just wish i could have that hospital tea and toast again that was soo good") and matty scooches in the bed with you and while you're sipping quietly with steam curling round your faces he shakes his head and chuckles and you ask him what it's about and he says something like, "I think its just mad. how you just like, grew a human and pushed her out. like you think you've seen life and you understand it. you think you've seen love and understand it but then something like this happens."

"Yeah," you say, "I've never loved anyone like I love her."

He looks at you, blows on his tea, and then says quietly, "I wasn't just talking about her."

[porchbirds]

halsey apparently said, of dating Maty Healy, that she “spent a year watching him. He spent a year loving being watched.” and i kno it’s like #commentary on Conceited Men and their Damage but also can i just b problematic for a minute and say Big Mood

[eyesonremedy-blog]

good evening, i hope you’re excited for our camping trip tomorrow, we’re certainly excited to watch. i’ve put together a list of cabin mates based on who i think could use the most bonding time, for the duration of the trip, you’ll be spending every minute with this people. 

CABIN 1: 

abby halliday, bella hadid, emma watson, madelaine petsch, parker cannon, pete wentz

CABIN 2: andy biersack, ciara doran, halsey, kj apa, michael b jordan, nancy mcdonie

CABIN 3:  antoni porowski, george daniel, hannah ray lincoln, keiynan lonsdale, perrie edwards, tana mongeau

CABIN 4: ariana grande, cassadee pope, hailey baldwin, mat musto, paul klein, phil lester

CABIN 5: camila mendes, dacre montgomery, daniel howell, mars argo, nilüfer yanya , tillie medina,

CABIN 6: chloe jensen, eli matis, elizabeth olsen, jamie benn, margot robbie, miles heizer,

CABIN 7:  dani vitale, g eazy, jack barakat, josh franceschi, timothee chalamet, ryan ross

CABIN 8: christian yu, danny noriega, harry koisser, john o’callaghan, matthew barzal, chris evans

CABIN 9: derek discanio, machine gun kelly, gabe saporta, heather baron gracie, kendall jenner,

CABIN 10: devin oliver, louis tomlinson, justin bieber, london heizer, dua lipa, rowan alexandre

CABIN 11: pauline chalamet, faye o’connell, harry styles, tom holland, liza koshy

CABIN 12: jade thirlwall, niykee heaton, josephine gillum, josh dun, matt champion, sydney carlson

CABIN 13: kameron hayes,  liam payne, matty healy, jesse rutherford, maxx danziger

CABIN 14: esmeray austin, ryan scott graham, spencer charnas, vanessa morgan, victoria potter,

CABIN 15: troye sivan, zayn malik, trevor moran, william nylander, zendaya coleman, jazmyne phipps

[silencestory]

Ke(m)bali

Yak, akhirnya gue balik lagi ke Bali. Kali kedua di tahun ini gue ke Bali.

Kenapa ya gue selalu kangen Bali dan selalu pengen balik kesana? Padahal dulu tuh kayak bodo amat sama Bali?

Mungkin karena keinginan gue punya rumah disana dan menghabiskan hidup gue di Bali.

Jadi, gue ke Bali kali ini sendirian, nggak sama temen-temen pas Juni kemaren. Alhamdulillah ketakutan gue naik pesawat tuh udah mending banget nggak pake panik, deg-degan juga. Ya masih takut, tapi nggak separah dulu. Mungkin karena rute Jakarta-Denpasar tuh nggak banyak turbulence sama cuaca buruk kayak kalo ke Palembang.

Sebenernya gue udah bikin itinerary mau kemana aja gue selama di Bali, selengkap itu sampe pake time table kan. Tapi pas udah sampe sana mah bubar. Lebih kepake checklist yang gue buat. Jadi kayak gue tinggal milih option mau kemana tergantung mood sama cuaca.

Nggak kayak biasanya setiap gue ke Bali selalu nginep daerah Denpasar, kali ini 2 hari pertama gue nginep di Ubud. Kebetulan gue masih ada voucher nginep di Westin Resort & Spa Ubud yang dari tahun lalu gue beli. Berhubung ini hotel bintang lima ya, worth to spent every penny banget.

Dari rabu siang sampe Jumat pagi, gue dapet rebahan, trekking, ke pasar, cafe, bar (walaupun sepi banget dan kayak daerah mati di malem hari), ke pura, dan makan khas sana. Untuk si anak mager kek gue ini, pencapaian yang luar biasa karena simply nggak ada temen ngobrol atau leyeh-leyeh, jadinya maunya ada kegiatan jalan-jalan terus. Cuma sayang gue nggak ke Ubud Royale Palace karena saat itu lagi ditutup sementara. Mungkin next time ya.

Sayang gue nggak foto yang proper di Pasar Seni Ubud. Masih banyak kios yang tutup, walaupun udah mulai banyak yang jual juga. Gue disitu bener-bener dikasih harga murah karena masih sepi pengunjung :(. Gue kesini tuh kebetulan lagi ke Pura Saraswati, terus ngelewatin ini. Nggak ngeh juga kalo ini tuh Pasar Seni Ubud, wkwkwkwk dasar gue.

Kesini karena dulu pernah ngelikes twit arsitektur gitu, penasaran kan dan lokasinya kebetulan deket sama Pura Saraswati.

Taman Dedari yang lagi hits. Sebenernya tempatnya b aja, lunch with a view. Untungnya makanannya sih nggak mahal, standar lah untuk ukuran view yang begini.

Campuhan Ridge Walk. Tadinya mau trekking di Gunung Batur, tapi apa daya, kayaknya badan nggak kuat, jadinya ke yang cetek-cetek aja. Enaknya disini ketemu anjing yang jalan-jalan sama tuannya. Minusnya, parno ketemu uler.

Pura Saraswati. Terandom aja pengen jalan ke pura, seneng liatnya.

(Almost) empty and dark street at night in Ubud. Sedi... padahal berharap rame, jadi ngantuk nongkrong di bar.

Dapet table ekslusif, di almost empty bar.

Puri Saren Agung.

Btw, barusan gue googling nama tempat ini karena gue lupa kan apa namanya. Trus katanya , “The palace was the official residence of the royal family of Ubud”. Lah, katanya tutup. Apa ini tuh kek cuma sebagian kecil dari Ubud Royal Palace? Sore itu sih emang ada sekelompok ibu-ibu yang lagi latian pake gamelan Bali gitu. Kalo kata Kadek sih, biasanya latian buat persiapan perayaan gitu.

Selama di Ubud kurang lebih ya gitu sih, jalan-jalan sendirian tanpa ada satupun orang yang dikenal. 2 tahun lalu pernah ke Ubud, ke Monkey Forest, dan ternyata tempat-tempat yang gue datengin kali ini tuh deket sama Monkey Forest. Jalan sendiri tanpa kenal siapapun, bekelnya cuma google maps sama tanya orang sekitar, menyenangkan kok. Gue bisa melakukan apapun yang gue mau selama ada duitnya, tanpa perlu kompromi dengan orang lain. Nggak ada lah berantem-beranteman atau rasa ga enakan. Gue juga bisa mengeskplore tempat selama gue mau, nggak terburu-buru karena nggak terikat sama jadwal ambisius. Nggak enaknya sih nggak ada temen ngobrol aja. But, it’s okay. I’m definitely gonna do it again.

Selanjutnya gue pindah hotel ke daerah Canggu. Agak shock sih, karena selama di Ubud sepi banget jarang ketemu manusia dan nggak ada macet, eh pas sampe Canggu tuh rame dan macet. Wkwkwkwk culture shock. Ubud tuh buat orang yang ceritanya lagi healing. Kalo Canggu buat kumpul-kumpul sama temen-temen di beach club kali ya.

Di Canggu gue ketemu sama temen jaman KKN, Aci. Kurang lebih ada kali 10 tahunan nggak ketemu.

Ketemu di restoran yang viewnya sawah. Kagak perlu ke Bali gue mah kalo mau makan di depan sawah, belakang rumah udah sawah banget, mau nyebur juga bisa.

Sad banget muka gua masih rusak.. walaupun udah nggak separah dulu, tapi belang gitu. Bismillah taun depan oke!

Terus, gue juga jalan pagi (sama Aci) - sore di Pantai Batu Bolong. Pantainya deket banget sama hotel, dan banyak anjingnya. Disini bikin gue makin pengen banget punya rumah di Bali. Jadi kayak amat sangat termotivasi buat nggak jajan terus dan nabung buat beli rumah. Bayangin deh, sore-sore jalan ke pantai bareng anjing. Dianya lari-lari, guenya neduh sambil mandangin pantai. Enak banget nggak tuh? Tenang kayaknya hidup gue di Bali, bebas nggak usah peduliin omongan orang karena orang Bali nggak seribet orang-orang disini.

Gue kek orang galau mandangin pantai sendirian, padahal mah gue lagi ngambil foto disitu. wkwkwk.

Geng anjing yang lagi main kejar-kejaran.

Oiya, gue juga keidean pengen banget punya baju adat Bali. Bukan yang fancy, tapi yang dipake buat sembahyang. Akhirnya gue beli dengan penuh perjuangan.

Alhamdulillah seneng banget, walaupun niatnya mau birthday in Bali nggak kesampean, tapi gini juga gue udah seneng banget. Mungkin next time gue ke Bali, gue mau lebih sering ke pantai. Sama kemana ya?

[speakeasyhq]

Cosima Dangerfield

Dane Dehaan

Eli Matis

Mat Musto

Matty Healy