#maybe I'll benadryl myself tonight... i need sleep so bad and it's not coming to me

[nathank77]

5/17/24

10:15 p.m

I got my hdcp bypasser to work yesterday.I did absolutely nothing special but fuck with wires for over 45 minutes and all of sudden eurica.

The only trick I learned was load the game up. It can bypass it but when you have the ps3 menu up and then load the game it goes to a black screen and then the Hdcp error gets thrown up bc it disconnects to the tv i guess..... but I can't tell you what I did special to get it to bypass it beyond that with the wires.....

Idk if I'm going to keep it. I took full advantage of it just bc I still may return it. Sure it bypasses it but only after 45 minutes of fucking with wires and the screen between the menu and the game loading breaks the handshake....rendering it useless unless you load the game first. Once I turned the game off it said no video lmfao

I have until May 30th to return it... I may just fuck with wires and enjoy it until then... as it should be plug and play... but I want to play my old silent hill games... so I mean idk... something smelled like it smoked... that's what bypassing hdcp is like despite it not being illegal.... thank you PS3! anyways I'm glad I got to record the greatest hits version of silent hill 2. Despite being all the clicks but one on each video I posted... I'm also the likes too.. I'm getting desperate bc click rate matters all my videos get filtered to invisible land bc I get hardly any views..

I took 1MG of Xanax, 25MG of Hydroxyzine and 2MG of Melatonin at 3:30 a.m... I passed out around 5:20 maybe. I woke up at 7:51 a.m needing to pee wayy too bad to ignore it... so I took Benadryl 25MG and fell back to sleep after eating a Think Protein Bar. I slept until 12:30 p.m. I kinda woke up a lot but kept falling back to sleep... I know I shouldn't have to drug myself so much just to sleep but this is my life now and I don't get the best quality sleep but I sleep.. so that's all that matters..

Anyways- I did my disability appt the close out letter was a error which infuriated me. I didn't show it to the representative though.. and now I am scheduled out into July... she told me to call every week and see if he got his final determination... I'm annoyed af. Cause like the drugs I got to take to sleep just to wake up at that fucking time.... anyways it won't happen again cause I'll call weekly.

I tried to get a hold of the licensure department to confirm they got my report. I can't get anyone to pick up after 30 minutes of waiting...so I emailed them tonight referencing my tracking number and when I shipped it and when It said delivered I provided the tracking number and everything asking for a confirmation from the department.

I also went to New Hampshire and got cigarettes. I cleaned out my car when I was there. When I get my oil change I'm getting a full car wash and detailing to clean up the leaves and dirt and shit and wipe down my dashboard and shit. I also have to figure out how to put freon in my car. It's coolish. The compressor is working and once I replaced the fuse the air started coming out of it but- it could be cooler and nicer...

So I already have freon I guess I'll figure it out. In June I've had Beauty for a decade. So I'm going to get that oil change and the car wash. I might do a tune up depending on the cost... if it's like 80$ and what they replace of course.. I got to call and ask but I'm looking to do that the 28th. Hopefully I can do the freon before that.

The drive was okay. Going home I cried hysterically about Nala. I ugly cried. Hardcore as I drove home. I guess I still got to cope with it. I don't want to say more I want to cry typing about it.

I also had some mental images of her dead. So that's great.

I'm starving. I still got to check my car. I made dinner, veggies burgers with vegan bacon its really good actually the bacon and the veggie burgers lol and then I'm going to do that and maybe shave my head. I got to set up my sleep pill too which is stressful with ocd and the hallucination....

So the rest of the night will be fun lol not really.. I'm worried about sleeping on the half MG of xanax bc I had to do the 1mg last night. I also had 2 Red Bulls to get me through the day.

I have to go grocery shopping tomorrow, and do laundry.. so that's cool but Sunday I can relax and hopefully use my HDCP bypasser and play silent hill something. Idk what yet.

I took some photos of myself in the bathroom bc I'm wearing this white shirt and I look good as fuck. I have like 9 or so and I like all them but they all look the same lol the self love and overconfidence is overflowing.

I had a weird mental picture on the car ride home of a naked trans guy who was buff but it was rather segmented. I knew what it was but- like it was very unclear..

It was psychosis trying to say no matter how buff I get I will never have a dick. Cause I'm hardcore considering working out and also fun fact I have no desire to get bottom surgery. At all.

What's so great about cis penis? The image made me horny a little of the naked buff transguy like I could look like that..of course there was some self hate but not really cause it's hot.. like 1 out of 10 for self hate and 9 out of 10 for horny lol

The only thing a cis penis is good for is babies and penetration.. I get it some girls like it, and the g spot and all that but the majority of cis gendered relationships the girl doesn't cum.... every person I've ever been with cums every single time and my next girlfriend will too if I ever find one..

I mean also what can't a dildo do that a cis penis can? Move and pulsate. So I get that that might be awesome but some fancy dildos can do that but I wouldn't wear anything like that anyways. You take my body as it is or you don't have to. I like my body.

The whole biological children thing sucks but I mean- if I wanted to go through procedures technically I could get a girl pregnant and or carry myself but I'd never do either especially carry.. but both never ever. And I've thought about it- my genetics are broken. Idk if we need anymore of us. There are so many kids in broken homes and orphaned and they need love and I have a lot to give.

I'd love to see my eyes or my nose but depending on my partner I'd love to see her eyes. Like Elise for example if somehow she could carry a child that is biologically mine I'd be disappointed if they had my eyes.... something I love about her children despite the fact that I may never meet them is they have her eyes and they look like her. And yea. So I don't need a child to be biologically mine although if I end up with Stacey I mean- one of the only pluses is my name being on the birth certificate. Skin cell babies aren't really a thing but being involved in the whole pregnancy would be cool although it doesn't matter. I just want kids to love me as much as I love them and be seen as a father figure.

I feel like when I wrote that about Stacey It made it sound like I wouldn't be happy if I ended up with a mother who didn't want more kids. That is not even remotely true. It would be a plus to be on the birth certificate/be apart of the pregnancy. I can't lie. It would be great to have a skin cell baby or to help pick a donar who looks a little like me, a short Italian with glasses lol I feel like the glasses at a young age are required but yea. Idc honestly.

All I want is to be apart of a family to be needed and loved and receive a father day card and be depended on and loved. I would like to be called dad but it is not required the father's day card would be a dream. I tear up thinking about it. Nathan is good enough I never get tired of hearing it.

Anyways I just wanted to clear that up. As when I think about being with Stacey I try to see the very few, "positives." And when I imagine a mystery girl it's like tbh idc if she wanted to get pregnant or already has kids. I JUST WANT KIDS. That's all.

Whelp I got to check my car and then take a shower at least. I hope I fall asleep easily. I am truly worried. Tomorrow I'm going to have a red bull day with silent hill if I can get home from the stop and shop quickly enough.

When I go to the dentist I'm going to get an estimate for the teeth sealant regardless of back pay since it still isn't a thing. I'm hoping it's affordable enough cause I'd go through with one of them to start at least and the second a few months later... although I likely won't get a 6 month cleaning... but I won't need it as badly if that stupid groove wasn't plaque central. The other one isn't too bad...but one is brown and it drives me crazy with all the stuff I do to take care of my teeth...

I'm also worried about getting to my bloodwork/t shot on Wednesday but I guess I'll worry about that later...

Erin can see me until at least the end of May. She doesn't know if she can after due to her losing her license. At that point I may just go to two days a week with Mike so I don't have to look for another therapist and get rejected by so many therapists due to being trans and having auditory hallucinations...

I'm probably going to join planet fitness the 1st of the month, the start up is expensive but I'm going to hit my super prime. 👌

June I only have the cardiologist minus my biweekly t shot. So yea. I hope the complaint for Kristen is taken seriously and isn't thrown out bc I'm "crazy."

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Thursday November 9th

6am Woke up really well rested! Good!

Got sad when I saw I didn't have any messages overnight. CBT: This is your anxiety plugging emotions into nothing. Nothing has transpired, there's no real reason to feel anxiety, the anxiety is only coming from inside you.

Why hasn't he texted you? He's sleeping and he's a POS you don't need that controlling your energy. You can't control what he does. Reclaim your energy.

What am I thankful for this morning?

- nights rest, stretches, soft blankets, cool fan, and the fact that I have no hw due tonight! Think about that! ❤️

630am I should buy another candle for the bathroom for my showers lol don't know why the last one went so quick

7am tumblr can be a really nice positive space, it's like the only positive social media like that's kinda insane.

8am about to get ready for class, I can't stop thinking about him. I would like to try to not text him today just to see what happens really. I'm afraid he won't notice or not care and just not text me either. Maybe that's what I need. Whatever this is, is clearly not working. Got to leave early enough to get a coffee bc maybe that will distract me. Drink for lunch too, I'm tired of gorging myself and wasting money on food. Just breathe oh yeah I'm going to take a benadryl and maybe that will help with anxiety.

830am I want to text him so bad but I really shouldn't lol. He doesn't care enough to change. I won't say he doesn't care at all, but he doesn't care enough for me to keep doing this. I got an iced coffee and an egg McMuffin :)

11am Daydreaming about traveling over the break. I need to be realistic tho. I know I am able to take off on a flight somewhere but let's be real I probably won't have the time off and money to do something like that. I'll keep it in mind, but I don't want another Disney scenario where I just go completely broke on one adventure, I'd rather do day trips, maybe an overnight if that even sounds like a good idea. I like sleeping in my own bed unless it's for a really good reason tbh. I want to focus on things around here that I don't typically have availability or mental capacity to do. I know I'll have fun regardless. Maybe even do the plasma thing some afternoons or mornings really to fund the adventures I'll have on my true off days. Just thoughts :)

1130am I passed my HIV patient counseling! It says satisfactory in the gradebook! For some reason I can't see my rubric so I started to panic and doubt myself, but now I know I'm not the only one who can't see their rubric, so I'm sure that part is a fluke/ irrelevant :) just breathe and enjoy the passing grades ❤️ if something is wrong, someone will let you know ❤️

12pm lunchtime! I'm getting curry chicken. Journaling is actually helping a lot and made me realize how intrusive and repetitive my thoughts are when I don't write them down. It's like I need a little vent port for these thoughts to fly out of my brain like steam out of a boiling pot of water. Crazy tbh lol.

1pm Ate lunch outside with some friends and it felt great!!

3pm lol I zoned out during the whole Verbal Defense (not mine!) But then he texted me good afternoon so I sent him a picture of my sweet tea, nothing crazy. I won't let him control my evening. I just wonder what is his motive lol. During class I was looking up free and cheap things to do and it's funny how a little googling can come up with a thousand things to do! So much fun to be had in the world :)

4pm he got me looking at my phone for a text back bitch guess what I'm taking a nap just like I planned lmao I'm not waiting around to talk to you wtf. Call me like I asked you to if you wanna talk, I hate this texting shit and he knows that. What am I a high schooler? Texting bs got you into this mess in the first place dumbass. I'm eating a cupcake and taking a nap.

6pm I have woke up from my nap. No messages lol I guess he just wanted to see if I was alive?? Don't know don't care. Nap was ok, cats kept waking me up or micro waking me up I think but that's ok too :) - There's really only one week left of this bullshit I am so proud of myself ❤️ I actually love the idea of NOT burning myself out the last week so that when I leave school I don't necessarily NEED to do that hibernating thing where I feel like shit for 4-5 days afterwards. I'd like to exit my verbal defense maybe take a nap just like I did today to refresh and then shit take myself out for a nice dinner and get dressed up. Instead of getting drunk and passing out, I can do that most other nights after a closing shift 🤣 I want to start my vacay right away with no need to "recover" in such a drastic manner. Let's see if we can make that happen :) I think that also includes NOT avoiding fun things the next week, bc I always avoid fun stuff when I'm stressed as if I'm going to jinx myself, but I think I'm ready to break that curse of "all work and no play." We shall see ;)

9pm A little tipsy but I'm getting my work done :)

11pm I keep wanting to text him because I'm in a GOOD MOOD but when he doesn't reply it puts me in a bad mood....... So solution is simply DON'T TEXT HIM AND ENJOY YOUR GOOD MOOD QUEEN 😂 he's stupid for leaving and he's missing out on this drunken chill fest tbh and one day, I'll have a fuck ton of friends I've acquired through the years of being myself that I can randomly snap my thoughts to and they'll actually reply and care 😂

12am I know I texted him some dumb shit but idc I still feel good and I love journaling and Tumblr. Getting tacos again for dinner bc JFC I did a LOT of dumb shit work today. He's such a loser he can't do shit by himself not even get a taco 🤣 tbh one day I feel like you'll find someone who's gone through what you've gone through and you'll have so much in common and everything will just be EASY. Yeah I'm fucked but I'm not the only one going through this so I know I have an army of ppl out in the world who would have my back in a heartbeat and THAT'S what matters and what keeps me going fr.

1245am What a weird day. I want to keep journaling so bad I think it'll help me alottttt. I texted him a little but it's like it doesn't matter as much as it did previously lol. It's different now. Let's keep it up :)

[things-that-make-sa-happy]

Jeremiah Fisher | tsitp 1.03