#maybe propane but that can be annoying to change

[shokobuns]

“𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐝𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐩𝐛𝐫𝐨?”

your irritating step brother likes to come in your room during your zoom classes.

PAIRING: stepbro!gojo satoru x f!reader

GENRE(S): smut, quarantine!au (au? LMAO), college!au, taboo

WORD COUNT: 2.7k

WARNING(S): darkish, smut, drug use (weed), high sex, stepcest, taboo, slight dubcon, slight manipulation, exhibitionism (if you squint), sensory deprivation (blindfold), degradation, size kink, unprotected sex, creampie, oral (f receiving), squirting, dacryphilia (if you squint)

(A/N): this rly do be my first time using proper capitalization huh, anyways all characters, SORRY I FORGOT TO ADD THE READ MORE I FIXED IT 

More.

One thing you easily learned about Satoru was the fact he wasn’t easy to satisfy. He’s demanding, cocky, all the while being nonchalant. He rarely exerts effort, but gets the desired results. He’s arrogant, but it’s nearly impossible to point out a flaw to counter it at all.

It makes your head hurt. It makes your teeth clench.

When you make eye contact, you make sure to stare back daggers. When you’re forced to talk to him, your voice stays monotone and expressionless. When you’re in a room with him for more than five minutes, your earbuds are already out, drowning out the sound of his voice. But it’s all difficult when you’re under the same roof.

Knock. Knock.

You roll your eyes at the sound of your step brother knocking your door, wondering what the hell he wants now. At this point, he’s probably just trying to annoy you, poke at your sides until he gets attention, any kind of attention, all just to satisfy his boredom.

Your calm demeanor and sharp tongue has always contrasted with Satoru’s teasing attitude. He’s always seemingly trying to provoke you, trying to pry apart the walls you’ve barricaded yourself in. His personality never rubbed you in the right way from the day your dad surprised you with a dinner with your new brother and your new mom. It didn’t matter anyways, you thought. You’d be going off to university soon enough.

The pandemic ran over all of your plans like a truck.

Better yet, your parents still had work without the option of staying home, leaving you and Satoru home alone for a little over eight hours a day. When he wasn’t in class or tutoring his juniors, he was knocking at your door, most likely red-eyed, though you can’t see it, and relaxed. Despite his persistence, you rarely let him in no matter how insistent he is in “getting to know his new lil sister.”

“Go away, Satoru.”

Behind the door, he pouts while you scribble down notes from the screenshared presentation. He comes in anyways, reeking of marijuana and cologne, half of his shirt buttons undone. You steal a small glance before once again glueing your eyes to your computer screen. The voice of your professor bores you, but you’re hyper aware of Satoru’s presence as he makes himself comfortable on your bed. “Get the fuck off! You stink!” You yell, turning off your camera before throwing a pencil right at him.

He catches it mid air with ease, relaxing his head on your pillows while fiddling with one of your many Sanrio plushies. “Can I have this?” he asks, holding one up as you contemplate its value in your head.

“If it gets you out of my room, then sure.” you reply in a monotone voice, turning back to your notes.

“You’re no fun,” he mumbles, rolling over to lay on his side with the plushie in his arms, “Is that organic chem?”

“Yeah, can you go now?”

“I’ll be quiet, princess. Don’t worry about me, just wanna know what my lil sis is up to.” He waits for a response, but is only rewarded with a huff.

It stays like that for the next ten minutes, him watching your professor’s lecture, you scrambling to write all of the information on the slides as he continues the fast paced lesson. You’re hyper focused on your class, putting in your effort to absorb the entirety of the content. In your mind, the only people in your room are your and your computer. “You know, you don’t have to understand everything all at once,”  a voice speaks up from behind you, causing you to purse your lips in annoyance, “It’s easier to learn when you’re actually paying attention to the lecture instead of focusing on trying to get everything down.

“We get it, Satoru. You have straight A’s and you’re naturally good at everything.”

“Hey, you’re getting advice from an aspiring teacher. Don’t need to use that tone with me, Princess.” He mumbles, rolling to his back on the bed, “Just tryna help you out in my free time.”

“I don’t need your help.”

He stays silent while you go back to drawing some of your basic compounds. Ethanol, methanol, propane, all of it. Your scribbles are messy and they progressively fill out the page in your notebook. You hear a tsk behind you, rolling your eyes as you prepare for another criticism from Satoru. Sure, he was probably right, but you refuse to feed into his ego. “Does he not link the slides to you guys or something?” he asks, this time with a friendlier tone.

“He does.” you reply, swiveling your chair until you’re facing him. He’s laying on his side again, his shirt spilling off his shoulder as your breath hitches at the sight. The blindfold is snug against his face, his hair pushed up. You’re sure that the stink of marijuana has rubbed onto your sheets and you make a mental note to wash them after class. “Then get high with me.”

“I’m in the middle of class, dumbass.”

“But you can always look at the slides later.” he suggests, “Plus, you’ve looked super stressed lately. Wonder why.”

Because of you, you want to say, but you stop yourself, opting to stay silent while pondering the offer. “Sure.”

He excitedly walks back to his room, returning to your bed seconds later with a joint between his fingertips. “This your first time?”

“Nah.”

“Ooooo,” he hums like a child, “That’s what you’re up to when we’re not around, huh?” he teases and you shake your head with a smile forming on your face.

“I guess.”

He shrugs, holding the joint up to your lips and lighting up the tip. You suck in the smoke into your lungs, holding it in, before exhaling out the screen door of your window. He takes a hit, opening his mouth and inhaling through his nose then passing it back to you. Your professor’s lecture fades into background noise as you fixate on Satoru, finally giving him the attention he’s been craving for weeks. He makes a mental note to offer you weed the next time he’s overcome by boredom.

The high hits you almost immediately. You’ve never had anything this strong and it’s liberating. You feel weightless, but your eyelids feel heavy. Your face is awfully warm and lifted and your vision gets more and more blurry by the second. The intoxication is pleasant, the present worries in your head being cut off as you focus on what’s right in front of you.

Satoru.

Satoru, your dear, irritating step brother who was kind enough to share the weed he stashes in his drawer. It’s getting harder and harder to hate him and you can’t reason why you felt so many negative emotions that you projected onto him at all. Sure, your room reeks and it’s all because of him, but the sight of him laying on your bed in a shirt that barely covers up his upper body makes your underwear feel uncomfortable. You don't know where it’s coming from, but shutting it out was easy when you’re sober. Key word: sober.

You stand from your desk, making your way to your bed and laying next to him. Both of you face each other, easily getting comfortable, warmth radiating off his body. It feels oddly intimate and your thighs press together in order to suppress the lustful feeling that takes over your body. Your arm comes around to the back of his head, tugging on the fabric that covers his eyes. “Can I take it off?”

“Sure.”

He lifts his head, allowing you to pull on the knot until it becomes undone. You don’t know what you were expecting, maybe a scar or something, but you’re in awe of the blue orbs that make you feel like you were staring into infinity. They’re bloodshot and half lidded and it’s when one fact you really didn’t want to accept hits you.

Satoru Gojo is one of the prettiest men you’ve ever seen.

And he’s your step brother.

Uneasiness stirs in your lower tummy and you curse at whatever higher power that decided to give you this type of luck, but a hand on your hip trails to your back, pulling your closer and closer until your faces are at a dangerous distance. You can feel your cheeks becoming alarmingly hot and you hate that you can’t blame it on the weed. His hand comes up to your cheeks, his thumb stroking the soft skin. “Thought you wanted me to go away?”

“Changed my mind.” you whisper, eyes slowly closing, lips parting open as you wait for him to lean in and close the gap.

“Hmm? What’s this?” he sneers, causing your eyes to shoot open and your body to jolt up from your bed. The hazy feeling on your head still remains, making it hard to stand completely straight. “Get out.” you sternly demand, leaning back on your desk chair and pointing towards your door.

“Why should I? I don’t think you really want me to leave, babe.” He props his head on his hand, leaning his elbow onto your mattress.

“It’s wrong.”

“What’s wrong? We’re just two people hanging out on a bed. Unless you were trying to do something else, dirty girl.”

“I- I wasn’t! You’re my step brother!”

“Step brother.” He repeats, justifying your actions.

You’re shaking, guilt occupying your mind keeping you distracted. It’s the perfect time for Satoru to get comfortable in the space between your legs, pulling down your loose shorts and taking you by surprise. Before you have a chance to protest, his nose brushes against your sensitive core, making you let out a squeak. “W-We can’t do this!”

“Didn’t you want this?” he questions, looking up at you with wide eyes, “Wanted me to take care of this pretty little pussy, right?”

You know you should be refusing. You know you should be pushing him out your door. But it’s so hard when his pupils are dilated and the grip on the sides of your thighs feels so right. At this point, you’re not thinking, only nodding along to whatever he’s saying, anticipating his next actions.

“So wet.” He mumbles, pulling down the flimsy fabric and throwing it off somewhere in the room. He licks a thick stripe from your entrance to your clit, sucking softly on the pearl while holding you down as the pleasure causes you to jolt upwards. He sucks and slurps like it’s his last meal, making your empty walls pulsate and little whines along with to leave your lips. Looking down, your eyes meet his, the lower half of his face immersed in your cunt.

The wet muscle fucks into you, curling and pressing against your walls, while his thumb rubs against your little clit. He hits all the right spots that make you squirm, pushing your legs wide open to see more of your ruined pussy. The wetness collects on his mouth, his chin, and his cheeks, filling him with a sick sense of satisfaction. “Such a whore, aren’t ya?” he pulls away to comment, but your fingers thread through his hair, pushing his head back where you need him most.

The action is assertive, something he usually hates dealing with. Though this time, he’s filled with a sick sense of pride at the fact that he was able to turn you, someone who seemed to hate him with a burning passion, into a moaning mess with just his mouth. He hums satisfactorily, sending vibrations into your sensitive core that make your thighs shaky.

You’re already cumming in an embarrassingly short time, gushing all over his face while he laps up all the juices you have to offer.

Before you can process anything else, his lips capture yours, lifting your body and dropping you onto your bed. You look at him with half lidded eyes, still sensitive from your last orgasm, while he pulls off his own clothes. His length rests on the inside of your thigh and he’s huge, so huge that it feels heavy against your skin and it scares you. “Satoru, I don’t think I can take you-”

“Shhh, princess,” he reassures you, “You started this. You have to take it.”

He doesn’t give you a chance to speak, taking the fabric of his blindfold and covering your eyes, tying a tight knot on the back of your head. This isn’t right, a voice in your head tells you, but you ignore it because Satoru treats you so well. He keeps you company, gives you some of his weed, eats your pussy without you having to ask him.

The only thing you can see is black and you whine. You so badly want to see Satoru’s pretty face, his chiseled body, his thick cock, but your thoughts are interrupted by the fat tip prodding at your tiny hole. “Too big..” your voice trails off as your mind is lifted, only the feeling of him splitting you in half remaining. You’ve never felt so full and it feels so dirty, yet your slick says otherwise, betraying any rational part that still resides in your body.

“I got you, Princess, don’t worry.” He slurs, drunk on the sensation of your snug walls. The stretch strings, whimpers spilling from your lips, but his cock hits every spot like no other. By the time he’s fully inside of you, it feels like he’s actually in your guts and it’s all intensified by the isolated feeling, not being able to see him at all. Every bite on your shoulder, every kiss on your open mouth, every delicious drag on your gummy walls is amplified.

You’re already cumming around him, a ring of cream forming on his cock as he gazes down at your bare body, wrapping his lips around a sensitive nipple. You squeal, your breath hitching at the same time you clamp down around his throbbing length. “Already? Such a sensitive little princess, aren’t you?” He mutters in your ear, your nails digging into his shoulders, piercing the pale skin. Tears spill from your eyes, flowing down the sides of your face.

His teeth sink into your shoulder and you want to tell him to stop, but the words don’t quite leave your lips. Only babbling noises accompanied by the wet sounds of your cunt and skin slapping against skin. He’s still pounding into your cervix at a relentless pace, in awe of how your slick drips down his balls and onto the white sheets. 

Every time he hits that sweet spot, there’s an odd feeling that forms, like you’re about to make a mess. And when your next orgasm washes over you in intense waves of euphoria, a clear liquid spurts from your cunny, coating his lower stomach and your inner thighs. “Who knew my little princess was such a messy girl?” he taunts, making your cheeks flush in embarrassment.

“S-shut up-”

“Don’t worry about it,” he leans in close, his lips dangerously close to your ear, “I’ll clean it all up.”

His smooth voice causes you to squeeze around him, almost like you don’t want him to ever leave your cunt, and it gets harder and harder for him to move. “Fuck, baby you’re so tight, need you to loosen up,” he mumbles, his own orgasm finally approaching, your little cunny milking him for all he’s worth. 

He’s rambling little praises, hot pleasure elevated by the high, his hips stuttering and his cock stuffing you to the brim with his warm seed. You both lay there, still intertwined and his body resting on top of yours.

“Ms. (L/N)! Did you have any questions about my lesson today?”

Your face drops in horror, your hand immediately pulling off the blindfold, as you push Satoru away from you and press the leave button on Zoom. A mix of your juices drop onto the floor and he chuckles, pulling you back to bed. “This isn’t over.”

He pins you back onto the mattress, his cock twitching at the sight of your leaking cunt, pulling your thighs until you’re close and pinning them to your chest. In one swift movement, his entire cock is shoved into your cunt, his balls slapping against the flesh of your ass with every thrust, fucking his cum back into your womb.

Gojo Satoru would never be satisfied.

[astringofmadhousefloozies]

Hobbies and Holidays, Or The Halloween Fic

Yes, I know it’s June. I just like Halloween, man. Yuu’s quiet dedication to the finest of holidays sours when confronted with assholes who fuck around for clout.

Contains coarse language, attempted violence, sexuality and nerds being nerds. As always, if you enjoyed it or have any questions, let me know! I like talking with people.

~*~*~*~

"What's cooking?" Ace, cheery as could be, walked his way up towards your set up on the Ramshackle front lawn. "Is it curry? I hope it's curry."

"You might not want to stand downwind." You poked at the bubbling mess on the propane stove, sweat rolling down your back. A beautiful August day, perfect for your project. This sure as hell wasn't something you wanted to do indoors.

"Whaddya mean by that?" The breeze shifted towards him, and he turned an impressive shade of green, stumbling back with his nose covered. "What's in there?"

"Mice. I told you to keep upwind." You went in with a hand strainer, and scooped a pile of tiny bones onto a ratty towel.

"Why are you boiling mice?" 

You mirrored his are-you-goddamned-stupid-or-something face back at him. "I wanted the bones. I went to Sam, but he said he's not allowed to order in dermestid beetles after last time, so I gotta do it the old-fashioned way."

"That's absolutely disgusting,” her said, the disgust and disbelief plain on his face.

"Don't we all know. Grimm fucked right off when the ghosts showed me the mouse graveyard."

"And your first thought at a pile of rotten mice was 'ooo, free bones' like some kinda crazy necromancer?"

"Yup." You scooped out another pile of bones. If you left them in there too long, they'd simply dissolve like in a cooked fish. As it was, you'd have to find a way to strengthen them. Maybe dip them in resin?

"Why am I your friend, again?"

"Because you feel responsible for me."

"Yeah. And you're fun when you aren't being weird and doing shit like taking cemetery pictures."

"I'll stop taking the pictures when I stop finding good grave iconography."

"Yeah, weird. I'm going to leave you to be a gross little maggot by yourself today."

"I'm not eating them."

"They're stewing in a pot."

"To get the meat off!"

"Yeah, whatever. See you at supper. I hope you don't stink."

"We'll find out, won't we?" you muttered, sotto voce, but he was already gone.

~*~*~*~

It was a beautiful day in September, and you heard him far before he knew you had. When you turned to look at Idia, floss wound around your fingers, he started. "Is my stealth that bad?"

You gave him the ghost of a smile. "You're not as quiet as you think you are." He hasn't cottoned on that you can hear what's in his headphones, if they aren't set just right on his head, and you aren't about to tell him. The face he makes when you pick him out so easily was too good to lose.

He nodded, fidgeted, looked at the spread on the table. "What are you doing?"

"Well, she's got to dry. So I'm working on this pattern until the top coat goes on."

'She' was a currently eyeless, disembodied head, that you'd picked up along with her body in a second hand store for a pittance. You'd unstrung her, scrubbed her clean, and now were putting on a face to match her sweet if imperious expression, a bratty princess of a girl in miniature. You hadn't realized you'd liked dolls until you'd seen her. But, when you had, your breath fled your throat in the same way it had only once since coming here.

He looked, but knew better than to touch. He did a little bit of craft work himself, mostly model painting, and wasn't about to muss your hard work. "She's... nice?" He didn't quite get the appeal, despite having two vinyl dolls you knew of stowed carefully in their packages under his bed. When you'd asked, he just muttered that they were anime characters and didn't come out except for photos because something something collectibles something resale value. Boys.

"I could do better. But it's enough. Thank you for letting me borrow the painting set up."

"Y... welcome." He squinted at the embroidery, finally noticing something. "Are those bones?"

In the center of each withered, poisonous blossom in your embroidery hoop, you'd stitched a tiny vertebra to serve as the center. "Yeah?"

"Why?"

"Why not?"

He wasn't ready to push it any further. "If you want..." He hesitated, and stumbled, and you waited until he just brought out his tablet to tap it out on a screen instead. "You can come do that in Board Game Club, if you want. There's a window. Azul shouldn't mind."

"I'll join you after I gear up and put the sealant on her. Thank you for inviting me." You gave him your best, most dazzling smile. "You know how much I like when you include me in your stuff. I know it's not always easy for you; how shy you are and all."

He squeaked and looked away, and you continued. "I should be there in about an hour. Make sure Azul doesn't keep up trying to wager me in chess. I can't fucking play worth a damn and he knows it."

He smirked. "He likes easy marks. Maybe try and get goo-"

You flicked a bone at him, and it hit him square on the nose as he yelped.

~*~*~*~

Welcome, October. Coolness and colour, a certain something on the breeze that felt like a home you'd never let go. Even if it hadn't quite hit the dorms the same way as they main area of the school. (Those little fairies that ran the weather machine didn't seem to believe in seasons for the dorms, or perhaps Crowley gave them a chewing out after the spring?) In amongst the Heartslabyul roses, you'd think it was still summer, and you weren't one to let a day of warmth go.

"Oh, in this chapel of ritual, smells of dead human sacrifices from the altar..."

"Stop that."

You looked up at Riddle, who'd found you in your secluded corner. "Why?"

"You can't sing and the lyrics are awful."

"Is there a rule against that?"

He nodded. "The queen gets to approve all music."

"Ah, of course, mine rosen liege. My petaled monarch. Emperor Rosa." A collar appeared on your neck, and you did not slow down. "Cardiac Sovereign. Dauphine De la Coeur. I can do this all day, Riddle; that collar don't do shit cause I ain't magic."

The colour was high on his cheeks. "Is it your job to annoy me?"

"Oh, you got me. I wake up and spend every moment thinking 'How do I best piss off Riddle Roseheart? How about I stand outside his door and blast nightcore from a boombox?' "

He narrowed his eyes at you. "Stop joking."

You laughed. "Yeah. I only do that with Shoenheit."

That managed to get a bit of a smile out of him. "Why are you being a pest over here, and not at your own dorm?"

"I'm just doing crafts, man."

"While sitting on the grass."

"Yeah, man. Won't be any grass to sit on soon enough. Made sure to not be on the croquet grounds or anything."

He looked at the mess of foam and ribbon around you. "What are you even doing?"

You looked down, and back up at him. "Crafts?"

"More specifically, before I kick you out for being awful."

You held up a padded frame, that you were carefully wrapping a satin ribbon around the many bars of it. "What does that look like?"

He just glared instead of admitting he didn't know, so you got to your feet and held the frame over your chest, the shape clarifying by being pressed over what it mimicked. "It's ribs. It'll tie on with more ribbon. Might put beads and stuff on it too."

He looked for a beat before nodding. "For later this month?"

"Indeed."

"... Continue, then. But be quiet!" 

He was nice enough to remove the collar before he left, but not nice enough to leave it off as soon as you resumed singing to yourself once you'd assumed he was out of earshot.

~*~*~*~

"Hey, Lil?”

"Yeah?"

You looked over the riot of cheery pumpkins and Far East aesthetics that had sprung from your lawn. "You should've asked me, first."

Lil smiled at you. "But then you would have said no."

"I wouldn't have. But," you guestured to the papier mache dragon, "Really, my dude? This isn't what I would have picked at all. I'm not going to match."

"You're working on a costume? Already?" He lit up. "What's it going to be?"

"You'll see."

"Do I get a costume?"

You looked down at your not-cat. "Grimm, I didn't think you'd want one."

"I do now!" He scrambled to your shoulder and tugged at your hair, wailing. "Costume! Costume!"

You rolled your eyes. "Stop that, before I sell you to Lil to practice recipes on."

~*~*~*~

Grimm was no help. He changed his mind every few minutes on what he wanted. At least your incorporeal roommates were a sweet help, finally gearing him up with a hat by the beginning of the week.

"Do you still need one, Yuu?" The middling ghost, the one neither plump nor skeletal, seemed concerned.

"No, babe. I've been working on this since..." August, you think. "I'm good. I hope I can get a week out of it. I could at least do a different face each day."

Realization dawned across his face. "That's what that was for? I see. I guess you won't need..."

Oh, he made you a costume. Layers and layers of rotten gauze from the curtains, a spindrift take on the bedsheet ghost. 

"Hey, I can use this, don't worry. Can you stoke the fire? I've got to dye this to match, I'll need some water boiled."

~*~*~*~

There's too many fucking people. You don't know any of them, they're loud, and they cram in wherever you need to go. But their fussing over you, their asking for pictures is nice. If only...

"Hey, are you lost, kid?" You lean down and reach a hand out to a fearful-looking six-year-old. "I can help you find someone who can help?"

He promptly burst into tears and collided into Floyd as he ran away.

"Hey there itty bitty. You need an adult? Hold on." Even with Floyd... being Floyd, he was a hell of a more welcome sight to the kid, and soon had him balanced on a shoulder to yell for his parents. "Who's under all that?"

"Your favourite shrimp, you overgrown string bean."

Floyd make an o of surprise and flicked the veil up. "It is you under all that! See, kid, She's not scary. She's pretty."

The kid simply eyed him dubiously before going back to trying to wave his parents down to get away from these lunatics.

All your hard work paid off beautifully. A mass of bones, beads and decay, a beautifully jeweled skeleton crowned with a fine halo of gold-and-bone spines and dried flowers. You rattled gently with every step, eyes staring out from a painted skull. They only thing you regretted was Riddle catching you earlier. Even if he hadn't intentionally steered it that way himself, everyone would assume you'd intentionally went to match Heartslabyul. Even more, now that you'd turned those curtains into a veil, even if you'd stuck all the bone and garnet drops you could onto the edges.

"Thank you, Floyd." You leaned up towards the kid. "Didn't mean to scare you, little darling."

The kid just stared at you in fear, and fortunately his parents came along to claim him, leaving you and Floyd by yourself.

"Shrimpie~" He'd scooped you up to replace the kid in his arms before you could protest. "You're so cute like this! Let's go to the alchemy room."

"What's in the alchemy room, Floyd." At this point you were used to him just... hauling you wherever. And you’d found that if you went along with the lighter end of it, he took you seriously when you said no. Weirdo he was, he'd at least gathered that you'd hang out willingly if he didn't push it.

"Oh, well you look so nice! You'll look much nicer in the water tube than the dummy we have in there."

"There are several reasons that can't work, Floyd. Least of it is I only breathe air."

"You're a ghost right now, you don't breathe at all."

"This outfit would not survive a dunking. I'm not sure it'll last the week if I don't repair it every night."

He kept smiling at you. "Even better! Wearing nothing at all on Halloween! Everyone would take even more pictures."

"Yeah yeah, and you have nothing at all in your room if I want to speed that up." You flicked his nose. "Put me down and we can walk over and check how it's going."

"Excuse me?" A stranger. "Can I take a picture of you and your boyfriend like that."

"I'm not her boyfriend."

"He's not my boyfriend. Go ahead though."

~*~*~*~

"What are you working on?"

Idia's voice was slightly muffled under the pumpkin head. "People kept calling my projection 'cute'. Idiots! They don't know the true fear of Pumpkin Hollow. So I'm adjusting the projection mapping so it's less cute, and more accurate."

"Hm. It seems fine to me as it is."

"You would think that. You don't care if there is a cuteness to things that are scary."

"There's beauty and sweetness in even death." You thought for a moment. "This is for that series you sat me down for? You got mad when I played with the toys?"

"Those. Are. Collecta-" he stopped when he whirled on you, faltering into silence. You really wished you could see the face he was making, he made such sweet faces, especially when he looked at you. You craved them, wanted him to look only at you with those expressions.

You smiled at him. "There's no use in leaving a toy in a box! I don't buy anything I don't intend to play with."

"Ah. Errrrrrrrrghhhmmm." He turned back to his work, took a deep breath, and turned back around. "You watched them, would you give me feedback?"

"Sure. Could you lean down a little?"

He did, and you carefully pulled off the pumpkin, revealing - nothing. No head at all.

You laughed. "Turn that off."

"Why?"

"I just opened your box. Time to play."

He made a strangled noise and started back, looking this way and that. "Right now? Anyone could come in!"

"Just for a moment! How can I give you a kiss if I can't see where I'm aiming?"

His head flickered into view, with a face full of mischief. "... Just one?"

~*~*~*~

"What happened to your makeup?"

"Wouldn't you like to know, model boy." You looked Vil up and down. "You're actually pretty hot like that. It's a miracle."

"Of course you would only find me attractive when I look like a corpse." He rolled his eyes hard enough to sprain. "Do I need to go lie down in a glass coffin too? Stay very still while you actually work up the courage to touch me?"

You snorted. "You wish I would touch you, you overblown jackass."

"With you looking like that? I'd die."

"Bite me, asshole."

"You'd like it if I did."

Your tone grew playful. "Is that a promise for later?"

"Ugh." His shudder was too exaggerated to be anything but an act. "Go ask your ugly little playmate for a bite, we all know what gross shit you get up to."

"You're just mad it's not you."

He pointed a perfectly manicured nail at your painted nose. "You're just mad I want nothing to do with you."

"Then why are you even talking to me?"

"I- why am I talking to you. Go away."

You did, but not before pulling on his cape to wrinkle it.

~*~*~*~

You had a dreadful feeling things were about to get worse. Call it intuition, or paranoia. But with any luck, that would change after a good night's sleep.

(It did not.)

~*~*~*~ These fuckers were getting exhausting. What a grand idea, picking unknown flowers to stick in your hair for selfies! That wasn't an excellent way to come down with a hideous case of contact poisoning at all. You had to swat one girl's hand away from a bed of monkshood, reciting symptoms of aconite poisoning at her until she stalked off in a huff. 

And futzing around with the decorations! The only reason you didn't outwardly congratulate Leona on trying to rip apart a bunch of tourists was that murder is supposed to be bad, no matter how irritating and disrespectful the murder victims were. Even you knew better than to go around fondling random ears and tails! 

(That's why you'd made the anatomy books in the library your friends. Far more polite than going up to a fellow student and saying, "May I feel around your skull for a few hours to satisfy my scientific curiosity? No one at home has ears like that and I'm very curious about the underlying muscle structures." )

Better see what's going on everywhere else.

~*~*~*~

You got up in tiptoe and lightly touched his arm. "Hey, Floyd?"

"??? Yes, Shrimpie?" His face instantly brightening, he dropped the absolutely delighted Magicammer he'd had pressed to the shelf and turned to you, leaning in as you crooked your finger.

You whispered in his ear, "Why waste magic on them when you can do so much more with your fists?"

He shone like the sun as he pressed his cheek to yours in lieu of something more intimate. "You always know just what to do."

~*~*~*~

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE."

The crowd of idiots instead turned on you with flash photography. "Another ghost! This'll get so many likes!"

"I MEAN IT!" Blinking away the spots from your eyes and casting all good sense to the wind, you grabbed a fire poker from inside your bedroom door and started swinging. They laughed and clapped - and only stepped back when you got the damned thing stuck in the wall while taking a swing.

"What an excellent show!" And more. Fucking. Pictures. How in the fuck Vil deals with this shit without murdering everyone in a hundred-foot radius, you'd love to know.

"I SAID-" yank "GET THE FUCK-" yank "OUT OF MY HOUSE!" The force of finally pulling the poker from the wall sent you careening onto your ass, and Grimm only stopped long enough to laugh at you before resuming his own ineffective charge. You stumbled to your feet, muttering. "Stupid little mother fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking..."

"Oh, it's a chase game! Let's go!" And they all fucking scattered into different rooms as you watched them in disbelief.

"I am going to kill everyone in this building and then myself for good measure."

~*~*~*~

"Leave."

"Aren't you going to scare me, Miss Ghost?" This last idiot was joyfully skipping around a bedroom that you'd had the ghosts empty out, nattering into her phone. A livestream, you think.

You're in you goddamned pajamas. "Sure. We don't use this room because the floor's not sound. Get the fuck out and leave before you fall through to the next floor."

The girl instead started to hop in place. "Oooooo, so scary! You'll have to try better than that!"

You rushed her. You probably would have throttled her (and wound up with a new ghostly roommate in the process) but as she backed up, your leg went through the floor where she'd weakened it, which left her cackling. 

"You weren't kidding! Bye now!" And she just fucking left you there like the wretched asshole she was.

~*~*~*~

"I'm so sorry, Yuu."

"Nothing to be sorry about, Mal."

He rested his head on your bare knee and looked up at you. "If I hadn't picked your home as a stamp location, people wouldn't be invading this dorm, and you wouldn't have been injured."

"You fixed me up, didn't you?" He was the one who had pulled you rightways, and shut the scratches on your leg. Of course, he could have left your socks on to do that, but hey, those had been fixed too. You reached down and put your hand on his cheek, rubbing circles by his eye while he stared up at you like an adoring dog.

"This was supposed to be fun for you, so you could have a perfect Halloween."

"That's still a few days away yet. There's still time. And hey."

He blinked up at you as you leaned your face in close, flushing faintly as you did. "Any luck, we'll all make it to November without assault charges."

~*~*~*~

"Yuu?"

You subconsciously growled like a rabid animal as you turned to Lilia with your eye twitching.

"By all the queen's powers." He shrank back. "You alright?"

"Magimons broke the lock on our bedroom and shook her awake last night." Grimm was, by some miracle, in a better mood than you; content to be a comforting weight in your arms and be your anger translator.

"They took," you added, "my groceries."

Lil looked at you in blank shock. "What about the wards on your doors?"

"That's for magic, not fucking morons with no sense of personal space." If you made it through 'til November without actually biting someone's throat out and getting put down like a mad dog, you'd be sincerely surprised. "You of all people should know that."

"Hey, I put them back up after I drop in. You want to go sit with Malleus today? I think you need it."

"Nope. If I snap at him he'll take it to heart. Or just kill everyone who's not staff or student because they upset me."

"No he wouldn't."

"We both know he would."

"He would not because that would be bad press for the kingdom."

"... well, damned if I ever though I'd say this, but thank god for politics."

~*~*~*~

You stare at the empty plinths as everyone started yelling and scrambling. You look to the rubble of the statues, the bases, to Cater, and back to the rubble, nudging what may have once been a staff with you toe.

"And it's not even for a fucking political movement."

~*~*~*~

"Yuu, if we can get rid of the magicam monsters, we can have the party!" Grimm smiled up at you, all sharp teeth and blue eyes. "Aren't you happy?"

You didn't have the heart to tell him that at this point, you'd rather they'd just cancel everything and simply sleep through till All Saint's. Fuck your costume work. Fuck the party. Fuck everything. If you see another jack o lantern you will smash it. Fuck this holiday. You're so tired.

"Yuu, do you have ideas on how to drive the magicam monsters away?"

You stared past Cater's ear because you didn't feel like looking anyone in the face. "Tried to brain a few with a fire poker. Th'just thought it was funny."

This was met with the sound of air sucked through teeth, and a warm hand on your shoulder. "Come with me please!" And Ortho pulled you away with the force of a vaudeville hook.

"You're having a very bad time!" So sweet, so earnest. Right now he was the only person here who could be that chipper and you not want to put their nose out the back of their skull.

You gave him a weary smile. "What was your first clue, honey."

"She keeps kicking in her sleep. When she sleeps. And she's all snappy and horrible!"

You gave Grimm a single light warning shake. "Shut up, Grimm."

"Would you like to stay over so that you can rest properly?" He was hovering directly in front of your face. "Maybe if you're somewhere you won't be woken up, you'll feel better."

You raised an eyebrow and stared over at Idia, who was trying very hard to pay attention to both your conversation and his. "Shouldn't you clear that with someone first?"

Ortho rolled his eyes, the effect on his little boy face frankly hilarious. "Oh, he'd be so upset you have you over. Deeply so. He wouldn't get a wink of sleep with you there." He leaned in. "Except he would, because you wouldn't do anything to keep him up with me there, would you?"

You wheezed. "You think so little of me, Ortho."

"I like you very much even if what you both get up to is gross."

"Of every boy in this school, Yuu. You picked that one."

Ortho glared down at Grimm. "That is my brother you're talking about."

"Stop it. Can we check back in?"

~*~*~*~

"So we're going to run round and scare the piss out of them?"

Jade nodded. "That is the idea, yes."

"... Can I help?"

"Of course, Yuu." Jade smiled his smile that didn't reach more than a millimetre beneath his eyes. "But we've agreed you can't have any blunt objects. For everyone's safety. And the school's reputation, of course.."

"... Yeah, that's for the best."

~*~*~*~

"Can you guys watch Grimm for the evening?"

"Of course." Mal beamed at you from his seat on the Ramshackle steps. "Where will you be that he doesn't want to be?"

"I don't like the horse."

"You ride horses?" Idia was sitting between Mal's legs as Malleus carefully arranged the bright hair into a high ponytail.

"Epel taught me." You paused for a minute. "Do you?"

"Mother made me learn. I haven't in years."

"Makes sense." He didn't like the outdoors, after all. "Mal, how'd you convince him to let you touch his hair? He only lets me do that in private."

"It will look nicer coming out of his pumpkin helmet if arranged higher." Mal crooked his mouth and dragged his lacquered nails along Idia's scalp, making a soft noise when Idia gasped, shivered and abruptly stood up.

"Nope nope nope nope no more of that-"

"May I at least put the elastic in?" Mal held up a black band. "It's fireproof."

He instead snatched it and ran for the library as fast as he could without cracking the armour. You and Mal watched him leave.

"Hm."

"Mal?"

He was still watching the blue light vanish into the distance. "I think I can see the appeal." His dreamy smile gained a sharp edge. "What a delicious sound."

You snickered. "God, I know, right? You should hear some of the other ones I've got out of him."

"You're both disgusting."

~*~*~*~

You hadn't worked out an actual story for this one, just your ghostly roommates and Grimm telling everyone to leave the statues alone. But some asshole, wearing aviator shades and the ugliest piecemeal hoodie you'd ever seen, mounted a plinth to start taking selfies. And once that started, more got the idea, and joined him, trying to nudge the statue away to make room.

So, that's where you came in, pulling into sight at the end of the drive, in tarnished gilt and rotten splendor, jeweled Death on a pale horse.

Sunglasses looked at you and froze, before snapping another picture.

Fucking pictures. You're so sick of pictures.

You snapped the reins and nudged your heels, and who knew anyone on two legs could move that fast? Though potentially being run down by a warhorse was great motivation to move thine arse, as it were. And, thank god, everyone else booked it out the gate after him. 

It only took a little maneuvering to lock the gate while still up on a pale horse named Beans, and now? Time to take him to his stable and go the fuck to sleep. Maybe through past tomorrow. Fuck Halloween.

~*~*~*~

You were riding your merry way when a familiar voice called out to you. "You dropped some loot!"

"What did I lose, Idia?" His little speakers mimicking the clang of armour were working overtime as he jogged up beside you. Once he reached you, he held up... a shoe.

"Huh." You looked down, and you had indeed lost a shoe while charging down a bunch of Magicam-obsessed assholes on a warhorse. "Thank you." That's when you gave Idia a level gaze, and stuck you leg out at him.

He swallowed back his noise of shock, and shaking, took your stockinged foot and slid the shoe back into place. 

"Good boy."

He was turning from shell pink to a deep red that rivaled the roses in Heartslabyul. But that didn't mean he didn't know how to keep playing when emotions were high. Before letting go, he leaned down and kissed the top of your foot.

Now it was your turn to go red; a wonder the painted skull didn't simply melt off of your face.

~*~*~*~

"Shrimpie~"

You took a breath and prepared yourself. Scoopsies was inevitable.

True to form, Floyd had his whole conversation with you in a bridal carry. "We're gonna have the party!~ We chased them all away!~"

"That's..." Honestly, despite all the rage and pain this week had caused, you were rather happy about the news. "Nice."

"Ah - where'd your face go?" He leaned in, and you stopped him from getting too close with a finger pressed to his lips.

"I didn't feel up to wearing everything." Your embroidered gown and painted skull was replaced with a simple back veil and black dress. "I kind of hate this whole holiday right now and I'm ready to kick the next pumpkin I see."

He nodded, kissing your fingertip as he did. "I can help you after. But we need this all for the parade." He brightened. "You should paint up and get on the horse again for it!" He smiled, full of dreamy fondness and not a small amount of hunger. "I heard what you did to the magicam monsters... I wish I could have seen."

"Hey, I heard you didn't do too badly yourself." You leaned in conspiratorially. "Anyone pee themselves?"

He smiled like the sun post-eclipse. "Yup!"

~*~*~*~

Epel had been nice enough to help you kit out Beans in a fancy black harness, so in amongst the crowd of costumed students, you were both equally eye-catching. And hell, pictures weren't so bad right now. People were keeping a distance, murmuring to each other as they aimed their cameras. You thought you were getting a dirty look or two from Vil for stealing his thunder, but he had himself on the prow of a ship! It wasn't comparable.

"So," you said, leaning down a little, "How are you handling this?"

Idia looked up at you, you thought. "The mask makes it easy. They're looking at the costume, not me."

"I'm glad it helps. I wish you'd take it off, but you being comfortable is more important."

"What? You want me to ruin the effect by taking the mask off? Clearly you have no respect for the holiday." His voice had the sweet, bubbling quality that came when he was excited and happy, and it warmed you to hear it.

"Oh, no, of course not. But why would I want to taste a plastic kiss,” you said, reaching a hand down to run the trailing ribbon of his hair through your fingers, “when I could taste you instead?"

You had to give him credit, he only faltered for a moment before continuing. "Right now? In front of everyone?"

"I would if you'd let me, right now." You lowered your voice. "And worse."

He stifled a groan and only walked funny for another ten minutes.

~*~*~*~

"I thought you didn't like horses." The stables were in sight, but Idia had turned up, surprising you.

He rolled his eyes, and held his arms out. "Dismount, fair maiden."

What.

"I mean it. Your Pumpkin Knight awaits."

You shook your head, voice soft. "Baby, no."

"I'm trying to be romantic. Like your novels."

"Idia."

He stared back at you, sour-faced. "What."

"I outweigh you by at least sixty pounds."

"I can do this. I carry Ortho around all the time."

"Ortho's chassis is mostly fibreglass and aluminum. I can carry Ortho. I think Grim could carry Ortho."

He took a step forward. "Do you want me to leave you on the horse or not."

"His name is Beans." But, you managed to dismount into Idia's arms, where he stood stock-still and trembling.

"Kkc."

"Babe? Put me down before your back goes out."

His knees gave out first, and he crumpled beneath you as you both yelped.

"You alright?"

"hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

You crawled off his chest and he could actually breathe again.

"Better?"

After a few breaths, he managed a weak smile. "Maybe kiss it better."

Beans beat you to it, snuffling at Idia's face to make sure he wasn't dead.

~*~*~*~

You are not much of a party person. You like them, but the ideal party is a few friends hanging around in the same room, chatting at a reasonable volume and then going home to go the fuck to sleep. This was a little much.

But you know what this party had that you hadn't seen in what felt like years? Cute girls. In cute costumes! You've been flirting your ass off, with decent success; it turns out that the Magicam Live you did with Vil weeks ago had paid off in the form of smiles and fluttered eyelashes as girls crowded around you to hear tales of how fucking obnoxious you could be in this school and get away with it because you had friends in high places.

At least, until you caught something out of the corner of your eye, and you stopped. "Hey, I gotta check on someone - raise your hand if you like boys. Okay, you see -" You stopped and pointed at your poor, unsuspecting target. "With the blue-black hair and the painted spade? That's Deuce, he doesn't know how to talk to girls worth a damn, so give him some slack. But he's a sweetheart, you won't regret it."

"What about the redhead?"

"Ace is a prick but he's delightful. Chat him up too." With that, you went to check on Idia, huddled into a corner after an attempted force-feeding.

"You alright, babe?"

He nodded. "They're too much. But I'm alright now."

You leaned back against a nearby chair, looking him up and down. "You sure you aren't going to eat anything? I don't think anyone's going to care too much if you have your face out."

He remained completely still, and you realized you could hear a faint whirring.  "Idia. Have you been using the robot double all evening."

"... I swapped out ten minutes ago."

You made a noise and he flinched. "I was going to swap back in after it calmed down!"

"... No you weren't."

"Okay, no I wasn't. But I was there for a while. I have proof, I brought plates back with me."

"You could have just told me. It's been a hell of a lot for you, I know what you're like."

Idia - well, his robotic avatar - shrugged. "If you're going to lecture me... come by and do it here."

You stopped. "You really want me to yell at you in person?"

"I want you to come by. If you want. You can stay as long as you want... if you want. I have snacks, and movies, and games that even you could play."

You snorted. "Oh, the siren call of a fucking nerd trying so hard to woo his chosen..."

"I changed my mind actually, you can't come."

"Aww."

"... That's a lie." He paused. "You can even take the Yume Twins out."

Those vinyl dolls he never let you touch. You throw your veil back and kissed the stupid plastic pumpkin head. "It's a date."

~*~*~*~

"Yuu?"

You peered at Malleus from around a stack of Tupperware. "Mal?"

"You.. enjoyed it all, despite everything?"

"Despite everything." You hefted the stack towards him. "Would you like to help? I want to grab stuff from the party that'll keep at room temperature."

He absently flicked a finger, sending the dishes swirling around to settle in a stack in midair, before placing a hand on your shoulder. "I have a... request."

"Anything," you said, and you regretted saying it as his breath hitched.

"Would you..." His voice faltered, and instead he simply wrapped you in a tight embrace, leaning down to bury his nose in your hair. You could feel him, chest heaving, scenting your greased hair through tulle, murmuring something against your scalp.

"Malleus."

He stopped, but did not move.

"No spells."

"You would not forgive me if I tried." You could feel his smile against your hair.

"I would not." You pulled back enough to look at him, and nearly froze at his besotted gaze before he schooled it into his more usual face. "Mal, you know you only feel this strong because I'm your first friend, right?"

"Does it matter? It is sincere."

And that makes it so much worse. "You know I don't feel about you like that."

"..." The grief that flickered across his face was enough to shatter a stone heart. "To stand with you and hold you is enough."

And they said fairies can't lie. They could, they were just terrible at it.

"You said you were going to ask for something?"

"... Not anymore. I doubt you would give it."

He vanished into thin air in a swirl of wind, and the Tupperware clattered to the steps, the spell holding them gone.

~*~*~*~

The nice thing about Idia's room is that, being a prefect, he had an attached bathroom to scrub the paint off of your face. It was a monochrome murder in the sink, splatters of grey with the occasional pinprick of red where you'd disturbed the new bumper crop of pimples from painting up as a skull for a week. Thank fuck that was over with. Even if the day proper had been lovely, the events of the week had thoroughly soured you on Halloween.

"You alright?" Idia poked his head in, long since divested of armour.

"Yup. How'd you get that shit off so fast? You got a suiting-up machine hidden somewhere?"

"It's less complicated than you'd think. Cosplay magic."

"That's nice. Unbutton me."

"... wha."

You looked at him via the mirror, meeting his wide eyes and shimmying in place. "Unbutton me. I can't reach them all myself."

"How'd you get that on every day?" He hesitantly walked behind, eyeing the row down your back as though it would burn him at the touch.

"I have roommates, remember?"

"Mmh." He finally undid the first three, before flicking his gaze back to yours in the mirror. "A... Are you sure?"

"I wouldn't ask, otherwise." You kept looking, as he took a breath and resumed. "Idia."

He paused.

"Keep going, I'm just going to chat at you for a bit." Two more. "You know I..." How to phrase this. "I don't intend to stay mint on card forever, you know. You can take me out and play."

He twitched, but kept going. "Maybe I don't want to damage you. There's only one of you, after all."

"I'm not so breakable." You had one side of you face completely clear, the other still smeared grey in the creases. "Would you rather stay mint condition, yourself?"

"..." He took a moment to gather himself, staring at the exposed skin of your back. "Maybe I want to... admire a bit. Get to know my- your- Uh."

You waited with a soft smile, until he found the words. "No one said you have to play straight away when you take something out of the package. Right?" He placed an experimental hand on the expanse of flesh between bra band and waistband, and did not draw away.

"Right."

"... Maybe I just want to hold you a bit before we play."

What a sweet boy you had. "Take all the time you need to. Even if we never play like that, I like you. Spending time with you is what I want."

You could see the motes of pink flickering through his hair. "Can I hold you now?"

"Of course."

He slid his hands under your dress, around your waist - then grabbed your soft, flabby tummy in both hands and squeezed. "Soft~"

You squealed with laughter. "What are you doing?"

"It's bare skin that's neutral territory," he huffed, before hugging your back to him and resting his chin on your shoulder. "And it's warm, too."

"Not so much as you. Keep me warm, will you? It's getting so damned cold at night."

He buried his face in your hair. "I can do that."

~*~*~*~

You woke to someone banging at the door.

"Son of a bitch." You managed to free yourself from Idia's sleeping grasp and make it to the door as a familiar voice started up. "Shroud, your tin can brother's already helping with clean-up, if you skip out because of a stupid game I will-"

You opened the door and looked levelly into Vil's face, which twisted in surprise. He gave you a once over (unshaved legs, mussed hair, boxer briefs from the men's section and a blue-black striped shirt that was clearly not yours) and then peeked over your shoulder at Idia (dead asleep, smiling faintly, possibly naked under the blankets). He kept looking between the two of you with increasing disbelief and horror, until he stepped back, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Good for you."

"Thanks." Your face still hadn't changed.

"It's twelve thirty. If you're not both out helping clean up by three, I'm telling everyone."

"That's not much of a threat."

"Maybe to you. Shroud!"

Idia shuddered awake, bleariness washed away by terror as he saw Vil in the door and covered himself in the blankets.

"Be out helping cleanup by three or I'm telling everyone exactly why you're late." With that, he stalked off and you shut the door, mirroring his nose pinch.

"Dramatic bastard, ain't he? Even when he's being nice."

"How is that nice?" He only stopped shivering when you sat back down on the bed.

"Two and a half hours, Idia."

He blinked at you.

"How much can we do in two and a half hours?"

Realization dawned, and he started snickering as he dragged you in close.

[selfindulgentpoorlywritten]

Hip-Check (Matthew Tkachuk Imagine)

Alright y’all, I finally fixed it! Hopefully this version is more coherent now that I’m not drunk off my ass.

Rating: T

Pairing: Matthew Tkachuk/Reader

Words: 1572

Warnings: none

Requested: yes/no

Summary: You’re just trying to get coffee after a long night at work. You end up getting a little extra.

Your job fucking sucks. Well, it doesn’t really, you’re just in a bad mood after a shitty shift. Spring and summer are the busiest time of year, which is stressful enough, but also everything that could go wrong did go wrong today. A real Murphy’s Law of a shift. Your propane tank had a leak, so your forklift ran out and stopped at the far end of the dock, meaning you had to walk all the way down and back with the tanks since everyone else was too busy to grab one for you. Then the system went down, so you had to run all your bills to and from the supervisor’s desk for them to put in directly. Then approximately eight million pallets needed to be repaired or entirely re-stacked throughout the seven hours you were there. Oh, and your unbearable coworker with an obvious crush on you— while also seeming to think you’re his personal therapist— kept stopping by your trucks to chat. So over all, super fun day. Or night, rather. You get off at 6am, meaning it’s 6:15 when you get to Starbucks to treat yourself to something sugary and caffeinated before going to give your friend’s daughter a lift to school.

The drive-through is packed, so you decide to go inside and wait in that hellish line instead. At least that way you can play on your phone without someone honking at you for not moving up two feet .2 seconds after it opens up. You’re not really in the mood to be around people, especially in a noisy place after a noisy night at work, but whatever. You open the door, and just before you can go through, someone darts inside in front of you, jostling you a bit. Irritating on its own, yes, but what really gets your hackles raised is that they don’t even say anything. No apology, no thank you, no nothing. Just breeze past you, fucking ram into you, and say fuck all about it. Any other day, you’d roll your eyes and let it go, but not today. Not today.

“Hey man,” you call as you come in the door behind them, “What the fuck?” They turn to face you, looking annoyed, and oh shit. You know exactly who that is, and you don’t really want to piss him off. But you started it and now you’ve gotta finish it.

“What?” he demands, standing tall and crossing his arms over his puffed up chest like he’s trying to be intimidating.

“Did you seriously just do that?” it’s not really a question, more like a confirmation. A bit of an aggressive confirmation, but.

“I’m in a hurry,” he says, like that’s a legitimate excuse.

“So am I,” you’re not, “You don’t see me pushing people.” A few people had looked over when you’d first confronted him, but they’ve all looked away by this point, more interested in coffee than you two, so you don’t feel too bad. That’s the beauty of cities: no one gives a shit what you do so long as it doesn’t affect them. Tkachuk stares you down, but when you just fold your arms and stare right back, he huffs and rolls his eyes. He throws out a “whatever” and turns his back on you. Oh hell no. You get in line behind him, because you’re not about to wait longer than necessary, but this definitely isn’t over.

“Are you fucking serious, dude?” you hiss just loud enough for him to hear. He turns back toward you.

“I don’t have time for this,” he snips right in your face. This close up, he’s huge, and it’s more than a bit intimidating, but your spite carries you through.

“Neither do the rest of us,” you spit back, “You can wait like everybody else. There’s a fucking line anyway.” This is so stupid. You would’ve held the door for him if he’d just waited a damn minute. Something changes in his expression, though, and he deflates a bit. The person behind you clears their throat, and the two of you shuffle forward to fill the several-person-wide gap that had formed. With that second to breathe, your anger starts to dissipate pretty quickly. God, you’ve been so rude to the other customers, causing a scene like this. At least it seems like Tkachuk is starting to unwind, which makes it easier for you to regain your composure.

“I’m sorry,” he says after a pause, like apologizing was akin to bathing a cat, “It’s just--” He trails off, looks frustrated, shuffles up in the line, looks frustrated some more.

“My sister is in town and I promised I’d get her Starbucks for her first day here,” he explains, like he’d rather be admitting to murder, “I forgot about it, so I’m trying to get it before she wakes up.” Oh. That’s actually. Sweet? Obviously it’s still a dick move to check someone in a coffee shop, but the fact that he did it for a good cause helps soothe your anger all the more.

“I just want everything to be perfect, y’know?” he finishes, head still held high despite his hunched shoulders and clenched fists. You’re not usually a touchy-feely person, but you’re nearly overwhelmed with the urge to hug him. You wish your brothers cared that much about you. While you don’t hug him, you do touch the outside of his wrist with gentle fingertips, looking up into his eyes when they snap to you. They’re a disarming shade of blue that you hadn’t really noticed before, and you almost forget what you were going to say. Focus.

“I’m sure she’ll be happy just to have her brother around,” you assure him, all annoyance forgotten, “As long as you don’t hip check her through a door.” Okay, maybe not entirely forgotten. It gets him to laugh, shaking his head a bit, and his posture relaxes. You can feel the muscles and tendons in his wrist and forearm go slack, and for some reason his hands going soft makes you want to hold them. You’re gonna end up in love with the dude by time you leave, at this rate.

“I really am sorry about that,” he says, “I thought I had enough room.” You just shrug and straighten back up alongside him.

“Eh, It wasn’t that big of a deal,” you dismiss, “I just had a bad day at work and took it out on you. Sorry about that.” His brows look much cuter when they’re furrowed in confusion rather than anger.

“You had a bad day at work already?” he asks. You huff a laugh.

“I work night shift,” you explain, “So I guess more of a bad night at work.” You watch as realization dawns on his face, his mouth making a silent “oh”. Then you realize you’re still basically holding his wrist, so you bring your hand back to your side and hope he didn’t notice, so you can avoid that embarrassment. Except he stops you with a soft grip on your fingers, pulling you to the counter alongside him. He snags a pen from the counter and scribbles something on the back of your hand while effortlessly rattling off his order to the barista.

“And whatever she wants,” he tacks on at the end, motioning to you with a jerk of his head.

“Oh, you don’t have to,” you say, dumbfounded at how far left this interaction has gone. How the hell did you go from wanting to punch him, to him offering to buy your coffee? Damn, you must be charming.

“It’s the least I can do,” he insists, and you’re not about to turn down a free drink. He plunks the pen back onto the counter and pays after you order, still holding your hand. When you look down, you-- oh. That’s. That is his phone number. On your hand. Your hand. After you just chewed him out in public for being rude, and he gave you his number. What the hell.

“I forgot that we have to wait for them to make the drinks, so this doesn’t have the same effect, huh?” he says, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly with one hand, and leading you to the waiting area with the other. Matthew Tkachuk just gave you his phone number. Maybe you got hit in the head with a box on the dock, and this is all a dream. That would make more sense.

“I was gonna say ‘text me’ and walk away all cool, but,” he shrugs, “Doesn’t always work out that way.” He was trying to be cool. He was going to write his number on your hand and walk away “cool”. Well, if he’s going to give you the opportunity, you’re not going to overlook the chance.

“Damn,” you say, shaking your head facetiously, “Gotta work on your timing.” Tkachuk looks mildly devastated until he realizes you’re joking, which makes you feel mildly powerful. He must really want to see you. The both of you chat for a few minutes, the subject switching between hockey and coffee and family until his name is called. He steps forward to take his drinks and when he turns back to you, he looks conflicted.

“Better go give her that coffee,” you say, “I’ll see you later?” A small smile grows on his face.

“Yeah,” he replies, eyes soft, “Yeah, you will.”

[prorevenge]

Made these kids work for 9 months for NOTHING!

Okay so a little background before I start my story.

My name is Patrick. I am 18 years old and I’m an Eagle Scout. To get Eagle in my troop you have lead a 50 mile hiking or canoeing trip which typically lasts a week or more. For my leadership I got a long three week trip to Alaska (which is pretty substantial since we live in a city that borders Mexico.) One week for hiking, one for canoeing, and one for touring. This requires we start planning at least 9 months in advance. I am one of two main leaders for this trip and there is one assistant leader to help us.

I’ve changed their names for privacy reasons.

Andy - The other main leader on the trip going for Eagle.

Robert - The assistant leader assigned to help us.

Mr. Sammy - My scoutmaster.

Let’s start from the beginning. Since the trip is in June - July we start planning in August - September. We start out pretty smooth. Andy and I get an idea of who’s going and how much the trip will cost per person while Robert manages payments and some paperwork. Things are good. Later on we start to lose track of our work and get lazy (since the trip is like 8 months away). So Mr. Sammy starts laying into us calling us a bad leadership team.

This is where my battle with Andy and Robert begins.

For some reason unbeknownst to me Andy and Robert decided it was my fault the leadership team had temporarily fallen apart. They team up and decide it’s Me vs Them (which is a really bad way to approach this trip). They don’t talk to me and hide things from me. When I do paperwork they decide not to take it and do it themselves. Whenever Mr. Sammy gets mad about ANYTHING they instantly look for a way to pin the blame on me.

I decide rather than fighting with them I try to reach out and communicate to maybe save the Alaska trip dream team. That didn’t really work. Every single time I talk to them Robert decides to lash back at me for minor things being as rude and condescending as possible. Andy (who hasn’t done anything for the trip) just stands behind him with his thumb up his ass. Keep in mind most of this occurs over text. After I’ve reached out as much as possible I decide “okay motherfuckers. You wanna fight? I’ll fight.” But not in the way you’d think.

Flash forward to maybe 4 months before the trip. Up to this point Robert has done most of the paperwork (since he was deliberately hiding it from me) and has managed all of the payments while Andy has been standing around with his thumb up his ass doing whatever Robert says. Mr. Sammy looks at me like I’m a bag of shit left on his front porch.

This is where the fun begins.

As soon as I get the chance I take all of the up to date paperwork from e-mail to Mr. Sammy from Robert and copy it to my computer. After that I see that the excel documents this kid has made are a TOTAL clusterfuck so I reformat them and update the information to look really uniform and pretty (even if your document is full of bullshit having it look pretty is half the battle). From this point on the paperwork is in my control. I send and e-mail to Mr. Sammy with the subject “UPDATED ALASKA PAPERWORK (insert date)”. From that point on the old man only excepts my copy which Robert and Andy don’t have. Even if they download it from my email I make sure to be the one who updates it and emails it first. I copy my two “partners” on every single email to Mr. Sammy just to say “look at me”.

From that point on I control all of the paperwork. Payments, IDs, the roster, the tip calendar, everyone’s contact info, etc. I have it all under lockdown and make sure Mr. Sammy knows it in every email I send him.

The problem is now that when anything goes wrong there’s even more of a reason for Robert and Andy to verbally assault me and put all the blame on me. But I have my battle plan. I just play it cool. Everything Robert says I just answer “okay, is that all?” And when he’s done I say “thanks for the feedback I’ll keep that in mind.” I’ll give you an example of one of these conversations.

Me: (to a group chat with Andy and Robert) okay guys I updated the roster and other stuff. Robert has anyone else made a payment recently?

Robert: Maybe.

Me: Maybe?

Robert: You’re missing a lot of info on the payment roster. This kind of carelessness is going to cost me my leadership and I won’t stand for it.

(at this point I think “that’s why I’m asking you this dip shit” but I keep cool)

Andy: I agree.

(“As always” I think)

Me: Thats too bad. Would you update me on those payments so I can get it updated?

Robert: I guess. he then gives me all the payment info I need

Me: Thanks Robert! 😄

These conversations always made me want to rip my hair out, but by playing it cool and keeping calm and being nice I never really gave them any reason to go after me. Now they don’t have anything to give to Mr. Sammy to make me look bad. Just them being rude to me while I say things like “Thanks Robert! 😄”

This ended up making the two so mad that they spent most of their time trying to make me look bad and trying to make me mad that they didn’t spend any time working on the planning for the trip. This was fine by me even though I had to play attrition with these guys every night for months over text message. All I cared was that I was looking good, and I was. They weren’t which made them even more mad.

When it comes time to distribute the food we need for the trip I also take that over not letting the other two touch it so they can fuck it up and blame it on me. To be fair I could’ve done a way better job at this but I did get the job done and we had all the food we needed for 2 weeks away from civilization (almost).

After 9 months of ripping my greying hairs out for having to deal with these two annoying pestering balls of hate we are finally flying from our hometown up to Alaska to go on this trip. Andy and Robert decide to sit back and blend in with the crowd of scouts in khaki uniforms which is perfect for me. I step up making it obvious that I was in charge and leading the scouts through each airport. When we land I make sure to get everyone dressed into their hiking clothes in the airport and packed for the hiking trip. (It was past midnight in the airport so no one was around to watch us change.) after that we take a bus to the trailhead.

At this point I have stepped up as much as I can for Mr. Sammy and he noticed pretty well. He also notices Robert and Andy blending in with the crowd not doing anything. I speculate that they probably didn’t want to associate with me because they expected me to mess up and didn’t want to be a part of that mess up. Jokes on them. I’m looking pretty good at this point.

1st day of hiking. We run into a problem. Two of these stupid younger scouts have forgotten they’re dehydrated meat so now we have to divide up the other meat but first have to figure out who has it (I didn’t keep good track of who had what food item which I’m willing to admit is my fault entirely). I notice that after like 36 hours of idleness Robert and Andy have sprung into action to document what food item EVERYONE is carrying. You might think I’d try to stop them but I just thought “hey they’re finally doing something.” I offered them my help multiple times which they refused so I simply sat back and watched.

After they documented everything they called me over to talk. I knew I was about to get a meaningless lecture from a pasty Jewish kid and his Mexican buddy short enough to be speedy Gonzales. It went down exactly as I thought it would. They told me basically...

“This is all your fault and you need to acknowledge that. You didn’t even help us fix it and you really need to start stepping up because you’re making US look bad.” They continued to go on bus that summarizes what the said.

I simply asked “is that all” and then went to bed. I could practically feel the heat from their foreheads as they got angrier and angrier.

To make a long story short I did really really well leading the hiking trip according to scoutmaster Sammy. After we had finished he came up to me and told me I’d done a great job. As far as he was concerned I had earned my leadership requirement for eagle but Andy hadn’t and Robert wasn’t doing well either. He asked me to supervise they’re leadership for the week long canoeing trip and week long touring section.

At this point I had them right where I wanted them. I knew Andy and Robert didn’t have what it took to lead a trip this big, so I sat back and watched them struggle. It was great.

The canoeing portion went awful. Andy and Robert broke our propane stoves on the first day! The food was awful and they never planned ahead one bit. I offered to help but always got turned down. I knew they would do that.

After canoeing came the touring part of the trip which went even worse.

For a portion of our touring trip we stayed in a public park in a small town. Andy and Robert decided it would be a grand idea to leave their stuff outside of their tents at night where anyone could see them. Come morning time and their backpacks were GONE! Not only did they lose their scout uniforms but also their cellphones and wallets! I acted like I cared but on the inside I was laughing my ass off.

Later we stayed in an army barracks in anchorage. Mr Sammy told Andy and I to get the scouts to bed by 10:00 but we both totally forgot. Come 10:20 I was doing laundry for everyone while Andy and Robert were messing around in a community room. People were laughing and playing cards and even showering. Mr. Sammy has just returned from dinner with an old friend and he was FURIOUS to find people still awake. I could hear him chewing out Andy in the hallway. He came into the laundry room and yelled at my friend and I.

“PATRICK! WHY ARE YOU TWO STILL AWAKE!”

“We are doing laundry for the scouts sir.”

“Oh... okay.”

AND HE WALKED OUT WITHOUT PAYING ME ANY ATTENTION! He then proceeded to chew out Andy harder and harder for letting people stay awake. He ended up getting all of the blame. Watching him get yelled at was like seeing fireworks in 1830. Beautiful.

Now, almost a year later, I am an Eagle Scout. In case you didn’t figure it out, Andy and Robert didn’t get credit for leadership on this trip. 9 MONTHS OF WORK DOWN THE DRAIN!!! Andy hasn’t even started writing up his eagle project (which is a ton of awful paperwork in my troop). He actually didn’t come to any meetings for like 2 months after the trip. Robert has been scrambling endlessly to make up for his lost leadership which is really fun to watch.

Now I just drive my brothers to the meetings on Tuesdays and get to watch the pair give me dirty looks. It honestly makes me feel ecstatic. 9 months of dealing with their bullshit every night and 3 weeks of taking it face to face in the woods and it was all worth it!

If you made it this far, thanks for reading! Feel free to share this story anywhere.

(source) story by (/u/IF_RealTrap)

[secretpianer]

(got a request by @sp-bunny for people finding out about kenny and butters getting together)

Surprisingly, when Kenny starts hanging out less and less with his old group of friends, Cartman is the first to notice. Kenny will catch him glaring suspiciously from across the lunch table, but the comments he makes about going off to get fucked up without them or being a general dick get ignored. The comments don’t bother him, but his weird suspicion does.

“Doesn’t anyone care that Kenny isn’t agreeing to go cheesing with us anymore? What the fuck does he have to do that’s better than cheesing?”

“That was cool in middle school. You’re the only one that still does that, you greasy tub of lard,” Kenny says, not looking up from his lunch. Butters does next to him though, chewing more slowly as he listens. Kenny wishes he didn’t show that he cared so openly, especially to someone as exploitive as Cartman, but it makes Kenny’s chest feel a little fuzzy that he does. It’s just how Butters is.

“Why do you care so much anyways?” Kyle says. “Are you running out of things to bitch about?”

“I’m just saying, he’s acting quiet and sneaky, it’s lame–”

“When is he ever not quiet?”

“Shut the fuck up and let me finish my goddamn sentence for once, you slimy–”

Stan is completely disenchanted from the conversation, picking at his chicken sandwich. Butters leans over to Kenny and whispers as quietly as he can over the bickering.

“Should we leave?”

Kenny makes sure not to look at Butters as he responds. “Not together. Let me leave first, then come meet me out in the back by my truck in ten minutes. We can skip next period if you want.”

Butters does a great job at containing his happy grin as he nods. Kenny leaves, pretending to be annoyed as he grabs his lunch and abandons the table. Nobody looks up when he does, and nobody stops him or says goodbye. He lets that roll off him, knowing that being insulted is a waste of time. It’s why he got together with Butters to begin with– to get away from that psychotic trio of guys.

Butters arrives at his truck in the school’s parking lot exactly ten minutes on the dot later. It’s a shock every time, his willingness to always do what he’s told, and although it occasionally makes Kenny uneasy, he knows for Butters it’s how he was raised to express kindness towards others. Although Butters’ genuine desire to please his boyfriend may come from some scary upbringing, that’s for Butters to approach him with on his own.

“You’re done eating?” Butters asks, first placing his lunch bag inside the truck with Kenny before clumsily pulling himself up and over the back. The bed of the trunk is big enough to host both them and all of his junk, from the propane tanks and spare tire to the soft layout of blankets he keeps for when he takes Butters out to the drop off point at night, where they drink and talk quietly as the cold overlaps the city below them. They can’t be touched by cold or cruelty in this truck; already he can see the tension in Butters’ face melting away as he settles down onto the blanket and crosses his legs.

“Yeah, I ate. Don’t worry,” Kenny says, stopping Butters from offering the rest of his food again. “Go ahead and eat. Can I smoke?”

“Well sure,” he says, picking up his fork, “but what if you get caught?”

“You know the teachers don’t actually care.” Kenny pulls the pack from his pocket, lighting the half that he saved from this morning. After he inhales and breathes out, away from Butters, he says, “You know, I used to smoke a pack of these a day.”

“I remember,” Butters replies, politely covering his mouth with his hand as he chews and speaks. “It was like I’d never see you not smoking. It worried me.”

“You never said anything?”

“I mean, we weren’t, you know,” he drags, looking down, and Kenny knows he’s stopping himself from fidgeting nervously, “dating. I didn’t have any right.”

Kenny wonders about that. Would he have listened if Butters had said something to him then? He’s not sure, since he disregarded everyone else’s advice about cancer or whatever killing him. But now that he thinks of it, what really made him stop is...

“You still helped me,” Kenny brings up, holding his cigarette close to his mouth. “It was after our first kiss.”

A faint blush rises to Butters’ cheeks. He stops eating. “O-Oh.”

“Yeah. I know you were trying to be nice, so you never said anything while we were hanging out. I smoked a couple right before I took you to the old storage unit, I was so nervous.”

“You were?”

Kenny grins. “Yeah. The mood was right and all...”

“Uh huh,” Butters says, his face growing pinker.

“...And I leaned in, and it was perfect...”

“Y-Yeah.”

“But then I pulled back, and you were making this face.” Kenny chuckles and Butters sets down his food to hide behind his hands. “You were so grossed out and trying so hard to cover it up but I could see right through you. No more of that, I decided.”

“I still liked it!”

“Really.”

“Um, yeah,” Butters says, folding his hands in his lap. “Maybe it didn’t...taste so good at first...I mean it did! But it was so new, and I was so nervous, and kissing you was really nice but I guess I had it in my dumb head that you’d taste like peppermint and mocha or maybe alcohol or something else super cliché–”

Kenny must’ve started laughing somewhere halfway through because he’s reaching for Butters before his monologue has finished dwindling into a feeble little mumble. The cigarette burns a thin string of smoke between his fingers as he holds Butters’ flushed face in his hands and kisses him lightly on the lips. When he pulls back, Butters’ eyes are shining.

“It’s a happy memory. I wouldn’t want to change it.” He mirrors Butters’ smile as it grows. “Besides, it probably did taste like shit.”

“Haha, kind of,” Butters says. His lower lip catches for a moment under his teeth. “But I mean it when I said I still liked it. And it’s grown on me.”

“Really?” Kenny says, raising his brows.

“Mhm, it sure has.” Butters’ grin is bright and makes Kenny’s stomach swoop. “I like how you taste.”

Kenny drops the cig and his arms come around Butters’ waist before he can stop them. He kisses Butters’ lips firmly, showing him how much his words mean because he could never say it right, and Butters hums as if he understands and slides his soft fingers over the back of Kenny’s neck. They resume a familiar pattern, a push and pull against each other that has Kenny’s toes curling in his running shoes. He whispers Butters’ name and feels his warm sigh as it pours into him like honey. Kenny could kiss him all day, all night, and has tried his best to, would make records of it if he wasn’t so distracted by Butters’ tongue moving sweetly inside his mouth–

“Kenny?”

Their lips make a loud, wet pop as they separate to look at Stan, who is staring at them with his mouth open and his eyebrows lost somewhere near his hairline. Then Kyle appears next to him, the smile that had been on his face from whatever conversation they were having before killed like roadkill when he sees what Stan sees. Kenny doesn’t move, staring between his friends, but he can feel Butters’ encroaching panic in his arms, the need to bolt or implode immediately before something horrible happens.

But in perfect sync, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny all say the same word at the same time, not breaking eye contact for a second.

“Cartman.”

Kenny shoves Butters down into his lap as kindly as he can, hiding him from view against the bed of the truck. Butters squeaks and tries to push himself back up, but Kenny rests his hand on his forehead and looks down at him before briefly pressing his index finger to his lips. Butters snaps his mouth shut, nodding solemnly in understanding. 

Cartman shows just as Kenny’s plugging the cig back into his mouth and Kyle and Stan resume a chat  like nothing. The cold rush of adrenaline pumps through his body as Cartman’s beady eyes flip menacingly between the three of them, clearly insulted to be left out of anything.

“What? What is it?”

“Nothing,” Stan says. “Just that Kyle was right about Kenny coming out here to skip all the time.”

“Okay, so?”

“So? So what?” says Kyle. “We were crashing his party. Is this what you do when you’re turning us down all the time? Chain-smoking?”

Kenny shrugs. With his other hand he begins to stroke Butters’ hair, who calms with each light pet. 

“Okay...” Cartman throws his hands in the air. “So are we gonna keep staring at each other like dumbasses or are we gonna do something?”

“I’m not hanging around here, it smells like lung cancer,” Kyle says, walking away from the truck.

“Yeah.” Stan follows after him. “Besides, Kenny obviously wants to work on his loner-stoner reputation.”

He quickly turns back to throw Kenny a small, awkward smile, and Kenny mouths thank you. Cartman is too busy watching them go, probably debating on following or dishing more insults. Eventually he bustles after them, shoving himself between the two to poke more fun at Kenny while out of earshot. The sight of Cartman leaving is probably Kenny’s favorite, next to the one in his lap.

“Are they gone?” Butters whispers. When Kenny nods, Butters attempts to sit up, but instead Kenny holds him down and puts out the cigarette before he joins him on the blankets, lying on his side. They’re parallel to each other; Kenny is tempted to slot his leg between Butters’ but resists.

“They found out,” Butters says, his voice small and contained by his fear. 

Kenny presses his lips into a thin line. 

“But...” he continues, frowning, confused, “they helped us. They helped you.”

Kenny nods.

“Will they tell?”

He thinks about this. It’s hard to imagine Kyle and Stan going out of their way to harm them, but things happen. He couldn’t say. But he gives Butters his most honest answer, scooting closer as he looks at him directly.

“I don’t think so. I think we can trust them.” He adds the next bit quickly. “For now.”

Butters doesn’t seem convinced, but he agrees. He sighs deeply, closing his eyes and scooting himself into Kenny’s chest.

“Well, if they did tell, I’d be ready.”

Kenny rests his chin atop Butters’ head. “Yeah?”

“Yuh-huh. Everyone could know and I wouldn’t really care. Nothing would change.” He pauses. “Would it?”

Kenny imagines the whole school knowing. He can see Cartman making fun, needling like he does, but would anyone else care? No way. And things would continue like normal. If anything he’d be questioned a lot less about what he’s fucking off to do (literally), but that only seems like a plus. 

“Nah,” he says, pressing his lips to Butters’ hair and feeling a happy puff of breath against his neck, “it wouldn’t change a thing.”

[void-bunny]

Data Requisition

Ch 11 of Immortalia is now available.

Read it here or at this link on AO3

A massive Captain, decked out in banners and gold painted armor, looked up from what he was doing as his crew motioned at the Guardian, trapped for the moment behind the glass. They finished up what they were doing, and the Captain signaled for his crew to make a swift exit through another door. “Just a bit too late, Guardian.” He said, though Sloane and Zavala wouldn’t know that. Bunny slammed a fist on the polycarbonate, wishing the cracks in it would give and she could stop him. He had no idea what he was messing with, how dead he would be if Sloane and Zavala decided to send a more competent Guardian after him.

Just go in and chase them off, yeah right, Bunny thought, did Sloane have any idea how the Fallen actually operated? Chasing them off was near synonymous with ‘kill them’ when it came to Guardians. Granted-- she peered around a corner-- she did have a little bit more than just her gun to maybe help her chase them off in the literal sense. Maybe she could just ask them to leave? What if they told her to take a hike, though? She pushed a stuck door open, and stepped into a small control center for… something? Everything was so gummed up with Hive detritus that it was impossible to tell what it was. A familiar sounding hiss startled her out of her thoughts, and she pressed her hand against the cracked polycarbonate window.

A massive Captain, decked out in banners and gold painted armor, looked up from what he was doing as his crew motioned at the Guardian, trapped for the moment behind the glass. They finished up what they were doing, and the Captain signaled for his crew to make a swift exit through another door. “Just a bit too late, Guardian.” He said, though Sloane and Zavala wouldn’t know that. Bunny slammed a fist on the polycarbonate, wishing the cracks in it would give and she could stop him. He had no idea what he was messing with, how dead he would be if Sloane and Zavala decided to send a more competent Guardian after him.

They only sent her because— the door beside her opened with a loud crack, snapping some of the Hive gunk off its gears as it rolled open. Bunny shook her head, they sent her because she volunteered, she had butted into the conversation and asked specifically to be sent alone after this Captain. And he was taunting her, she was going to slap him.

“They just… left.” Hemlock said, and Sloane sighed on the other end. Bunny examined the hastily constructed Fallen terminal, and Hemlock appeared to take a closer look. “Oh, looks like they just wanted data— that’s strange for them.”

“See what you can find.” Zavala said, and Bunny found a spot to sit while Hemlock worked. She wondered why the Captain had said anything to her, though she supposed he assumed she wouldn’t understand him, or wouldn’t care enough to translate what he had said, but why was she just a bit too late?

“Alright,” Hemlock beeped, “Everything the Fallen got, we’ve got.” Bunny slid off her perch, and the door she had come through slid closed. “Oh.” Hemlock disappeared back into her robes. She should have expected that, it was never as simple as it needed to be. The Hive had apparently been alerted to something in one of their spots, and Bunny had to find another spot to take cover from a bunch of angry thrall quickly. She punched her way through an acolyte, and set Hemlock to work on the door again, maybe it could force the locks.

Fortunately the Hive seemed to only be offering a token effort to remove her, and she climbed out of the disgusting control center. “We’re out, I hope this data’s worth it.”

“Come by when you can, we’ll take a look at what you got.” Sloane said, and Bunny had to wonder if Sloane was aware that she had pretty much just given her permission to do whatever she liked for as long as she liked, but, she went back towards the command center anyways.

Hemlock shut down their outside communication, “So…” It said, “What are you going to do if Sloane asks about what that Captain said?”

Bunny gave her Ghost a look, “I’m not gonna say anything about it, if she asks I’ll just shrug.” She said, and climbed up the side of part of one of the command centers buildings to hop a small gap to the door that lead back up to Sloane. “Besides,” Bunny said, pausing next to the door, “We did what she wanted, we ‘chased’ them off.” Bunny went up the stairs, and Hemlock floated next to her, delivering the data to Sloane.

The Deputy Commander sent her off without much else, and Bunny decided to just hang around, watching crews of Fallen pick apart the Arcology, or try to, they seemed to hit a lot of roadblocks— or… more accurately, Hive-blocks. She shot a Knight to death as it ran toward a Captain, who looked far less regal than the one she’d just run into, and the Captain looked up at her, taking aim at her with their gun, but she was just out of range, so they turned away, focusing on the other Hive they were fighting. Bunny found a spot to sit, and let her legs hang over the side, over the propane ocean.

“You’re already trying to find an excuse to make friends with that one, aren’t you?” Hemlock asked, hovering over her lap, “Isn’t one enough? Maliks is more than enough, even.”

“But…” Bunny had to admit, that was a good point, her… what was he? Boyfriend? They didn’t have a word for it in their language besides ‘mate.’ “What if Zavala, or Sloane, thinks that he’s a serious threat? He was looking for some kind of data, he’s obviously smarter than some of the Captain’s we’ve encountered.” Hemlock watched her closely.

“I’m going to tell him you think he’s stupid.”

“Don’t you dare! He’s not stupid! He just values the strength of a fist over trying to talk his way out of things!”

“So he’s just like you.”

“Hemlock!” Bunny swatted at her Ghost, “I thought you were my partner! You’re so mean!” Hemlock twirled it’s shell at her, she had changed it since Maliks had given her one, stating that it was just too conspicuous to have a Ghost looking like a servitor. He had understood, but been just slightly annoyed by the choice, still, he would affectionately poke Hemlock from time to time.

She smiled at her Ghost, “I never said that was a bad thing! Both of you are sticks in the mud, though, I’m amazed either of you manage to ever get things done when you’re together.” Bunny snorted, they argued sometimes, that was true. Maliks didn’t like the idea of taking in more strays, not after Narak and Phyrik had tried to mutiny, and not after the loss of Ysyvkos, who had definitely deserved better, but Bunny often pressured him into it, didn’t they deserve to be part of a crew that wasn’t one of Salzen’s? Where they wouldn’t suffer? He usually just acquiesced and hauled the wounded dregs into his skiff, snarling at them that they were his crew now, and they had better make themselves useful.

“He knows I’m right, sometimes.” She said, watching the Captain she had saved from the Knight kick a thrall off the side of the rig, they turned to look at her again, and she waved, blowing a kiss at them. To her surprise, the Captain stood up a bit straighter, and then gestured rudely with two of their hands. Bunny frowned, though her surprise quickly faded, of course, why had she even tried that?

Hemlock shook itself, “Not all of them are going to be your friend.”

“I know.” She said, and got up. She didn’t have to sit there and be mocked by a Captain, who was now mimicking a dance that had no doubt been witnessed from another Guardian, and their crew was eating it up, hooting and hollering and laughing at her expense. She glided down to where she had initially climbed up from, and walked toward the Arcology itself, casually slipping past other crews and clusters of Fallen.

Eliksni, she corrected herself, she could so easily separate Maliks and his crew from other Eliksni, but they weren’t Fallen. Fallen was… it sounded mean, harsh in her ears, a subtle insult. They were all Eliksni.

She slid into the shattered ceramic tiles, and climbed up to a spot where the Hive couldn’t reach her, sitting down to wait for Sloane or Zavala to call her back, and either explain the data she’d nabbed or something else.

[hazcoms]

A little info and backstory on Hazcom DILF, my crush, who I tag as M.

He is a safety instructor, now exclusively for wind energy students it seems, at the tech school I go to. He was one of the two guys who gave us our class on hazcom and fire safety in nursing school (which was in 2018), probably the best day of school I had in that class. I had so much fun in that class, and it didnt help that I like M a lot.

When I first saw him, I knew I was going to have a problem bc this guy was my type. Dark hair with a bit of grey, scruffy facial hair, attractive outfit, and just the energy he possessed. His voice was interesting, one of the girls in class compared it to Steve O, but he also had a southern-ish accent so that made things funnier with that comparison.

He and the other instructor, we'll call him "Fire Guy" or "S," were hilarious. Not only as people themselves, but also as a team. They took jabs at each other and us as well. Although, M seemed to be a little less...I dont know, not mean, but rather...teasing? When he talked. I really dont know how to describe it. But S teased us far more than M did.

M and S both know my father, apparently, and that made me feel even more awkward about my growing attraction to M. Other than asking me about him and asking me a question about smoke during a slideshow, they did not really call me out. I was still pretty shy and quiet at that point, but if I had the class now I'm sure I would have been louder and participated more.

Anyways, the class started with one of our nursing teachers guiding us to the building where we had the class. It's detached from the main building, and to get to it you have to climb up a little hill made of big gravel and go past a weird object that S called "a rocket ship." It's a big cylindrical thing and I have no clue what it actually is and I havent had the courage to ask anybody what it is in all my years at this school.

Walking past the rocket ship, we were dive bombed by a flock of pigeons that apparently live inside the thing, and it scared all of us and it felt like resident evil. You know, the crows in 1 and 0 that come at you for breathing wrong? That's how it felt. So we ran the rest of the way.

In the building, it was freezing. Like 40 degrees. It was a good thing I wore a jacket, but others were not so lucky and they had to occasionally go outside to get warm. Later on in the class if we complained about how cold it was, they would turn down the temperature even more to make it colder. Funny, but irritating. We all sat down, and since none of us really knew each other, we sat sporadically at different tables. Some of us, including myself, were by ourselves. I was happy with that.

The first teacher to come in was S. M came in a few minutes later, but I didnt know he was M, his name was said by my teacher to be our instructor but since S was more talkative and acted like he was the teacher, I assumed he was M. But he wasnt, obviously.

As the two instructors prepared to teach us or whatever, they played a video of like...fail compilations for whatever reason. And that changed to a more safety focused thing when the video they played was a fail compilation themed around people setting themselves on fire. As a huge Jackass fan, I found this hilarious. Then they played the fire safety scene from the Office, and then a video known as Highway to Hazmat Hell (Watch here). If you don't want to watch it, it's basically a truck carrying cylinders under pressure which start falling off and a bunch of explosions and crashes happen while Highway to Hell by AC/DC plays. Great video.

After the video was done, M came to the front of the room and put his backpack down on the table, then sat/leaned on it. S went to the podium and began introducing himself and what the class would be about. I watched M the whole time, entranced by how attractive he is. The teacher really had to be hot and me get a crush? I thought I left that shit in middle school. But apparently not.

After S told us about himself, then he introduced M as "6'3, 170 lbs, and single" (still not sure that the first two are true although he is rather tall) and a few other things. When he said he was single, I felt myself turn all warm. I avoided looking at him. And it was true that he was single, because M had gotten divorced recently and said that he preferred being single. I didnt really care though considering I have no chance with him and I'm already in a lifelong relationship. Even if I wasnt, he knows my father and is old enough to BE my father. I wouldnt date him but I admit I would hook up with him had I been single myself and the circumstance occurred.

Anyways, he told us his life story, and then we got to introduce ourselves. This was where I found out they know my dad, because I said my last name and M looked at me and smirked and said "oh, shes (dads name) kid!" And S was like "oh yeah" and something else I didnt pay attention to because my face was on fire from M even paying attention to me and I became all shy.

After we all introduced ourselves, the slideshow on fire safety began. The first question S asked was, "what elements are needed to start a fire?" A girl in my class, one of the funniest, said, "uhh...fire?" I get where shes coming from, fire is an element in the four elements sense, but he meant like..chemicals or whatever.

So we all had a good laugh at her, and she happens to be from Texas so they would attribute her "stupidity" to that. S told us what is actually needed for a fire to start, and talked more about that. Then came to the subject of smoke, and S asked us what smoke is. Texas girl said "its smoke." We all laughed again, and S was just rolling his eyes and laughing. I dont think he genuinely thought she was stupid, because she isnt, but he wanted to laugh at her being "dumb."

The lecture continued and eventually we noticed this windowed room beyond a glass door attached to this room was beginning to look hazy. We pointed it out in concern, thinking that maybe they were testing us, but S was like "oh it's just humidity" and we went on with the lecture. Eventually the haze got super super noticeable and M and S called us out on it, asked us why we didn't do anything about the smoke, but it ended up that it was a smoke machine they were using to fuck with us. Which was, admittedly, pretty funny.

Later on, S told us we were going down to the shop to practice using a real fire extinguisher. Not the powder ones, just a water one, since powder would make a mess and fuck with the oxygen. So we all went to climb down that gravel hill, only to realize there was a sidewalk that went up it and M was like "you guys can go that way but I'll walk on the sidewalk like a normal person" which made me laugh and also annoyed at myself for choosing the gravel hill, because it slides down when you walk on it and I almost fell like multiple times.

So we got to the shop and there was this little box thing connected to a propane tank, it looked almost like part of a grill. M explained that it can be controlled to light on fire, similarly to a grill, and the fire can be put out using the same controls or a fire extinguisher. It's used specifically for fire extinguisher training apparently.

S went and filled up the fire extinguishers with water, as they were empty, then brought them out and showed us how to use them. But honestly, me and Texas girl and another girl we will call F were all paying attention to M. More on that later. Anyways, S asked why we were distracted and one girl was like "Texas girl is trying to get M's snapchat" which was a joke, I don't think he even had one.

Next came our time to use the fire extinguishers- we ALL had to do it and it was in front of everyone. Less than half of the class got to put out the fire on the magic training box, which was controlled by M, before it started raining. Like a literal downpour of rain, right out of nowhere. Along with the rain getting us wet (no pun intended irt M) it kept putting out the fire training box, PLUS there was some kind of problem with the gas and the fire training box.

So S sent us with M back to the building so he could figure out what was wrong with the fire training box. M then taught us the hazcom lessons- bloodborne pathogens, PPE, hazmat procedure, MSDS, placards and their meanings, etc. Then he got into the storytelling phase, which was the most entertaining thing.

First he told this story about a guy he either knew or someone he knew knew, who died from rat poison. Then he talked a bit about his time in the oilfield before moving to wind energy, and he told us about how one time they had this bottle of methanol in what looked like a water bottle, and one of his coworkers came in and just started drinking it. Like, he didn't notice it was in fact NOT water and WAS methanol, and just kept drinking it. M did not elaborate on the fate of this guy, but I can't imagine it was good.

Now came the best story. Liquid Fire. Liquid Fire is an infamous drain cleaning chemical that if you Google it, will show results of news about bad things happening with it. But they do still sell it, I found some in a hardware store and took a selfie with it which I intend to show to M if I ever see him again. Anyways, the story began with M's bath/shower drain being clogged for seemingly no reason, until he found out it was because his kids kept shoving their bath toys down the drain. M tried traditional drain cleaners and other methods, but none worked, so he went to this local hardware place (which my mom has a vendetta against because the people who work there are apparently real cunts) and found a product called Liquid Fire. He claimed that seeing it had a skull and crossbones on it made him sure it would work well.

One of the employees warned M that Liquid Fire was strong, and to only use a certain amount each time. But M said that he was stupid because he's a man and ignored this advice, using much more Liquid Fire than necessary. But the stuff worked, it unclogged the drain, so he continued to use it. Until one day, his bathroom started smelling weird, and he couldn't figure out why. So he hired a plumber, and the plumber looked at the drain.

The plumber then told M that the smell was because his shower water was draining directly under the house and stagnating. M asked why. Plumber explained that his pipes? Gone. Disappeared. Not there. After some investigation, they discovered that it was the Liquid Fire which destroyed the PVC pipes completely, it is THAT corrosive and he used THAT much of it. The reason it worked so well on the bath toy problem was because it was literally dissolving the plastic toys, and when it got done with them, it moved on to the pipes.

After M told the story he paused for laughter, which we did a lot of, and from then on Liquid Fire became a running joke between me and F, and a story I'd reference all the time, even to people who weren't there. We then went over a bit more stuff that I don't remember exactly, and S came back in saying the rain had stopped and the fire box was working again.

Well, part of that was true. The fire box wasn't working again, but using some kind of gas and a cigarette lighter from one of my classmates, S got it working again. The class then got to continue putting out the fire, and guess who was dead last? Yeah, me. Back then, I was a scrawny little thing. I'm 5'1, and then I was a size 00 XS who weighed 90 pounds and carried all that weight in her breasts (still where most of my weight is btw). So yeah, I had some trouble picking up the fire extinguisher. They're heavier than you think. S had to literally stand behind me and help me hold the damn thing- it was embarrassing enough being last, but being the only girl in class who could hold the extinguisher herself? Even worse.

I can only imagine how flustered I would've been if M had been the one holding me and the extinguisher. I may have just passed out. Anyways, I get to finally use the extinguisher!! By then, it was in a downpour again, but we couldn't delay anymore because lunch break was coming up and we didn't have time to delay.

So I'm in the pouring rain, held by S, extinguishing a controlled fire. But as soon as I got it out the first time, my celebration was cut short because M TURNED IT BACK ON. And the funny thing? HE LOOKED RIGHT AT ME AND SMIRKED AS HE DID IT. HE LAUGHED THE SECOND TIME. That's right, there was a second time, because he turned it back on after I extinguished it FOUR TIMES!!!!

Now I don't know why he did this to me in particular, or why he found it so funny, but at the time I was irritated. Later on I thought about it and was like oh. Wait. He was teasing me, that's kinda cute. So anyways after the fourth time of tormenting me in the pouring rain, I got the fire out and it was lunch time, so me and the class bid S and M goodbye.

Later, after we all got back from lunch, Texas girl called M a dilf. And oh my God did I feel relieved that I wasn't the only one who thought so. F also was attracted to him, while the girl who sat next to me was weirded out bc apparently he looks like her dad. We discussed M for a bit before the teachers got back.

From that day on, M was on my brain CONSTANTLY. I'd see him occasionally (check out my diary tag for M incidents) around the school and freak out each time. I still, to this day in 2021, have feelings for M. And they're strange feelings, because Im obviously in love with my boyfriend and we are getting married asap and I'd never leave him, but I talked over my situation with M with my therapist and she said it was fine.

Anyways, that's the story of M. Check out my diary or M tags for more stories and feelings about him. If you actually read this, thanks, and I hope you enjoy my blog.

[wordcreatr]

You know, I wouldn’t say I have terrible luck, but it definitely trends toward being consistently on the poor side. I wouldn’t say it feels like the universe has it in for me, but it’s definitely trying to annoy me.

It’s like that time back in 1996 when a guy I knew, who had won an Emmy for post-production work on the hit show Northern Exposure, called me up out of the blue to move to L.A. to be his assistant. He and some investors were buying a family-owned state of the art post-production studio that was in bankruptcy. It was a huge break for me, so I left grad school, packed up my hamster car, and moved out there. Immediately upon arriving, he told me, “So let me get you up to speed. The financing fell through last week.” Turned out his wealthy main investor’s elderly mother controlled the company’s purse strings and she shot the deal down. It also turned out I no longer had a job.

Why had he not called me to let me know before I left Arizona I had asked in dismay.

“I decided you needed to be out here anyway,” he replied. And that was the start of my L.A. misadventure from hell. I’ll have to write about that period of my life sometime because it only got crazier.

Yeah, anyway, it’s just been one of those kinds of weeks as far as lost opportunity and general mayhem, just on a far smaller scale.

Welcome to hell

First, my house’s air conditioning was on the fritz and the temperature in Arizona is only slightly below hellish, though full-blown hell is arriving next week when we are supposed to hit 106°F (41°C for my international readers). The air conditioner was blowing warm air the day I called a recommended AC guy who does side work for cash. When he showed up after he got off work the next day, my unit was back to blowing cold air, but I figured he should take a look at it anyway because it was obviously not working right.

After inspecting it, the repair guy told me my AC unit was at least 30 years old (maybe older since the house was built in 1980), and he began to describe what kind of condition it was in. Have you ever seen a really wizened old man who is bent practically in half with osteoporosis? A man who is so frail and rickety it’s a miracle he’s still upright in a light breeze? The one with no teeth, who is practically blind, and who has to wear adult diapers? Yeah, apparently, that was the equivalent of my air conditioning unit.

The AC guy showed me photos — and it wasn’t pretty. In fact, with the exposed wiring due to the plastic having been baked off them by the relentless desert sun, it’s a wonder my house hadn’t burned down. He showed me pics of one battered part and said if it went out, the AC would either not turn on or it wouldn’t turn off, which would kill my electricity bill — both would suck.

He said he could get me a new unit for the discounted price of $4,600 cash or make repairs to get me through the summer. Since it’s been almost a year since I’ve had a proper job, I went with option B. My plan was to postpone replacement until I could afford a new AC. So he came back the next day and got to work. When he was done, he came into the house and turned on the air. The blower was working but the condenser wouldn’t kick on. He said it might take a bit. So we waited. And waited. Finally, he went back up on the roof and after ten minutes he came back in and we waited and waited, our hands periodically reaching up to the vent in the ceiling that stubbornly blew out warm air. Nada.

“Bad news,” he said. “I think your condenser has just died.”

Well, that was inconvenient.

We began talking about a new unit, and I said I’d have to think about it because $4,600 cash was kind of steep. After all, I was only working occasional freelance jobs and doing rideshare driving, which pays a pittance. As much as I hated to, I was probably going to have to go with a more expensive company so I could put it on a credit card and pay it off in installments. I hate doing that because while I use my cards all the time, I pay them off immediately. But I didn’t want to raid my bank account and leave myself low on available cash. After he left, the damn AC blower was in full zombie mode and wouldn’t shut off even when I turned it off. It just kept blowing warm air, so I eventually had to turn it off at the circuit breaker.

After speaking with a rep from Integrity Air Conditioning, it was going to cost me $5,400 (after rebates) to get a new unit, so I reluctantly agreed. This sucked. I also needed new tires for my car because the rideshare driving had accelerated the wear on them. And I needed an oil change. And I needed to get my BBQ grill fixed.

I had just been thinking that life was going okay and I’d be fine as long as I kept my spending low. Apparently, the universe had decided that now was the perfect time to put a whammy on my wallet.

Fuck.

I’m melting! Mellllllting!

Meanwhile, in the absence of modern AC, I’ve actually been doing okay with the heat. The older I get, the more I turn into my dad. As the temperature has climbed, when the AC was working, I hadn’t even had it on when the Houseguest wasn’t home. When my dad was alive, he kept the house so hot my brother would freak out when he came over to visit. “Oh, my God, it’s like hell in here. How does he live like this? It’s so damn hot!”

Unlike me, the Houseguest hasn’t been faring well with no AC, and she has been lying around listlessly. I feel bad and check on her occasionally to make sure I don’t need to summon an ambulance for heat prostration. To be honest, though, because I don’t want to dip into my cash reserves, if I lived here by myself, I would have been inclined to tough it out through the summer without AC, but I can’t bear the constant whinging.

To be fair, she’s also been battling insomnia, which has taken its toll. I see her emerge from her room, unrested, and the oppressive heat hasn’t made it any easier, and she’s at the snapping point. It doesn’t help her mood that the heat doesn’t seem to faze me. I see the barely subdued madness lurking in her eyes.

The kitchen is a no-cook zone

Because of the unrelenting heat, the Houseguest has been bugging me to get the grill seen to so we can cook outside under the shade of the patio. We’d been grilling a lot earlier in the year, but the never-ending propane tank finally ran out of gas, and I’d been meaning for a while to go up to Home Depot for a new tank. After I finally did,  I was unscrewing the old tank from the regulator, and I think I did something wrong and jacked up the regulator. When I connected the new tank, I heard hissing gas and could smell it. I thought I had a faulty tank and took it back, but the replacement tank made the same noise with the same smell. Using soapy water, I looked for bubbles to try and discover the leak, but no luck.

The Houseguest mentioned going up to get a new regulator for the grill and wanted to know when we could grill again, and I said I didn’t know. I began listing my expenses and mentioned the AC had to be taken care of, then my tires, and then a new regulator for the grill — which I wasn’t even sure was the problem.

She had wilted onto her bed and lay there languidly looking defeated.

“But we have to be able to grill,” she said weakly. “It’s too hot to use the oven.”

The oven might as well be the furnaces of hell as far as the Houseguest is concerned

I told her I wasn’t sure if I bought that argument. I mean, unless I was foolish enough to cook with the oven door open, I kind of figure it should be okay, right? How hot can it get? Turn the oven on. Put the food in. Set the timer. Walk out of the room. Come back when the timer goes off. I didn’t see the issue. She was just staring at me like I was a simpleton. She has a Ph.D. and tends to discuss things analytically. As I began calmly explaining why I thought the regulator was the lowest priority purchase item, her head suddenly snapped up and she shot me a look.

“We are grilling, motherfucker!”

Okay, I was slightly taken aback. The Houseguest is normally rather easy-going, cultured, and well-spoken. There was no anger, just the no-nonsense bark I’d associate with a drill instructor. However, I got the impression that if the heat had not sapped all of her energy, I might have ended up in a bloody heap on the floor.  I retreated to my Man Cave and chalked up the outburst to the heat. Plus, she’s got some fiery Persian blood in her.

Freelancing sucks

So, as these bills piled up this week, it reinforced that I’m not bringing in tons of money. It’s been almost a year since I’ve had a proper job. I traveled for a bit, and I’ve been slumming doing rideshare driving for Uber and Lyft part-time. I’ve also been picking up some freelance projects here and there. All with the goal of working (slowly and painfully) on my book.

I’ve done a fair bit, but there’s still a fair bit left to do. Purposefully, I’ve been holding off getting a real job and have been actively trying to get freelance gigs. One thing I’ve learned, I suck at chasing down freelance work. But I figured if I lived frugally, I could stretch out my underemployment out quite awhile, as long as I didn’t incur any real expenses. Like all the ones I racked up this week, which was a metaphorical kick in the balls.

But that was okay. I still had a freelance project I was supposed to start last month that would pay off a chunk of the AC cost.  However, everything is up in the air because the client has a new full-time copywriter.

Fuck.

But that was still okay because another agency had contacted me for a small project. Their content director liked my stuff. In fact, she had me come in to talk about working for them part-time, but as a proofreader. It’s kind of boring work, but it wouldn’t demand any of my limited creativity. And it would be a regular income so I could keep writing. I was stoked. And everyone I met was super nice. Things were looking up!

And then right after I put down a three grand deposit on my new AC unit, I got an email late Friday afternoon. It was from the new agency’s HR person informing me that the content director had departed the company that afternoon. She said I was still in their freelance pool and I might hear from some of the account managers. I asked about the proofreading gig. She had no idea, but it seemed to me my new part-time gig was probably dead in the water.

Just like L.A., I was so close.

Fuck my life.

The Universe is going to make me go out and get a real job, isn’t it?

If karma is a thing, I must have been a real asshole in another life. Oh well, as the old man used to say, ‘If I didn’t have bad luck, I wouldn’t have any at all.’  But if this keeps up, I may need to sacrifice a goat at the next full moon.

At least I’ll have a new air conditioning unit by tomorrow. I just hope they don’t drop it through my roof.

Update

The new AC is going in as I post this.

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Sometimes everything will work out as long as one thing doesn't happen. And of course, it's going to happen because the universe has it out for me. You know, I wouldn't say I have terrible luck, but it definitely trends toward being consistently on the poor side.

[silverlight013]

Ebony and Fire Chapter 7

Chapter 7

I sigh as I reach down between the two beds to pull up my backpack.

I didn't actually look through when Prom gave it to me, did I? I'd rather not ruin these clothes again…maybe there's some in here…

My bag has two big pockets one in the back and one in the middle…there's two front ones too, but these two are the main ones. Normally I put my books and stuff into the middle and my clothes in the back.

I should take inventory…

I sigh again and unzip the middle pocket; giving view to a bunch of my writing and art supplies.

Okay…what do we have in here? Pencil bag…sketch book…okay…little black notebook…looks like only my minimum tools…Where was I going before I came here? Did I know I was coming here?

I take out the little black notebook and thumb through it.

That's odd…it's empty…I mean in a way that's lucky, but I coulda sworn I was halfway through mine…What about my sketchbook?

I place the little notebook back where it came from and take out my black sketchbook with the spiral on top. I turn it landscape and gently flip the cardboard back before thumbing through that was well.

This is empty too…what the hell is going on?

I put it back and get ready to unzip the back pocket.

Please have some extra clothes. Please have some extra clothes.

I take a deep breath and unzip the pocket, to my surprise a pair of dark grey, men's, lounge pants are rolled up and sitting on top.

Well damn…that was lucky…

I rummage around a bit and find my black sports tank top and my black pullover hoodie, but that's all.

Well, guess my luck had to run out somewhere…but at least I got some clothes to change into…

I pull out the lounge pants and tank top and prepare to get my ass handed to me.

                                                             . . .

As I walk out of the motel room I'm greeted with the early morning sun as it peaks up over the horizon. I smile as the new dawn dusts over Longwythe, and then it hits me.

Wow…this is it, I'm really here…

I take a few steps forward and lean on the small railing that separated me from the concrete that seems to be the parking lot/driveway for this place. As I take it all in my memories of this place come flooding back.

Longwythe…the pitstop between Hammerhead and Galdin…it doesn't seem like the most popular place, but for some reason it ended up as my favorite. There's just a lot here, more than any other pit stop unless it was a major town like Lestallum…not only that but it's smack dab in the middle so it saved me on gas a few times during the beginning…speaking of…

I feel a smile cross my face as my eyes land on the Regalia. My stomach growls out of nowhere and I sigh as I take one of the bananas that Samn had asked me to grab out of my pocket and attempt to peel it open. It doesn't take me long.

Hmm that's interesting…I take a bite of my potassium breakfast and continue to stare at the regal Regalia. Even when they're not being controlled and have free will they don't change her paint job…I mean I know I left her as is, but that's because I like the blackish chrome…I'm kinda excited to see what other decisions they'll make on their own…

"She's beautiful ain't she?" I turn quick, startled, to me left to see Samn standing there, arms full of various weapons.

I didn't even hear her come out…I am so screwed…

I give an uneasy laugh and try to ignore the instruments of my untimely demise in her arms. "The Regalia? Yeah she is." I look back to the car and then cringe.

Oh shit! Did the boys say this was the Regalia? Actually, wait, according to them, I've never seen her! Fuck! I seriously gotta be more careful!

Samn catches my mistake and self-scolding and rolls her eyes as she walks down a small set of steps to my left. She sighs.

"C'mon, I found a good spot to spar across the street. It's mostly flat and at this hour I don't think the Saberclaws will bother us…"

You 'don't think'? That's reassuring…

She leads me across the street and over toward Kenny Crow's, I take the opportunity to throw away my banana peel and then follow her behind the restaurant then right, behind a small building and some gas or propane tanks.

"Uh…hey…" I finally realize that maybe I should ask if she needs help. "You need help with those?" She lets out a laugh.

"Now that we're already over here you ask?" I stop dead in my tracks annoyed as she stops up ahead in a clear area.

The 'training area' is pretty big, and as she had said, mostly flat, that is aside from the occasional bush or big ass rock. However not a bad place to spar. I look to the left at the big rock formation and a sudden urge to climb to the top grips me.

Ugh, I really wanna climb that…I don't think that one is the Adamantoise…I think that's further North…North? Yeah North. This place is kinda hard to navigate without a minimap…

I jump, startled again as Samn drops the weapons and they clatter to the ground. "Hmm, so that's what that looks like." I look at her confused and annoyed as I start walking again.

"What what looks like?" She opens her palm and makes grabby hands, so I throw her the other banana that's been chillin' in my pocket.

"You spaced out, it's just weird to see someone else do it. Guess you could say I got it from you, huh." She chuckles as she teases, but I just fold my arms.

"Shut it."

I feel like I'm just arguing with myself…

She peels the banana with ease from the bottom and takes a big bite before speaking. "Alright, you ready to start training?"

That's odd…I never wrote how she'd eat a banana…it's like watching an AI program I wrote in motion and learning, super cool but also creepy as hell.

I shake my head and crouch down to the pile of mess she created by dropping the weapons. Panic strikes as I realize these aren't training weapons.

"Samn! What the hell! These are the boys weapons! Like from the Armiger! I can't fight with these, were you planning on killing me?!" She finishes her banana and tosses the peel to the side. "You better pick that up when we're done."

She rolls her eyes. "Don't worry Mom, I will." I feel irritation wash over me.

"Don't call me 'Mom', it weirds me out cause we're like the same age…Don't we have anything we can use that won't instantly kill me?" She sighs and holds out her hand. "I'm sure the Keyblade will hurt just as bad."

She shakes her head as something begins to materialize in her hand. The shape doesn't resemble the Keyblade at all, but some kind of baseball bat looking thing. After a minute my brain clicks, and I realize what it's going to be.

What? How can she even do that?

I stare utterly stunned as a struggle bat appears in her hands. She tosses it to me and summons a second one.

"You have got to be kidding me…how?" She shrugs with a smile and stands at the ready. "Really?!"

"Well, you asked if we had anything that wouldn't instantly kill you." I look at the struggle bat in my hand and sigh.

I'm super screwed…

"You ready to begin?" I get ready to block and nod.

"Ready as I'll ever be…"

She flashes a smile and then suddenly flies across the field at me, I barely have enough time to shield myself before she's hitting me with a barrage of attacks. My foot slides back a little and I slide my hand across the bat so that one hand is gripping the hilt and the other is palm open against the top. With each new hit my foot slips more and more.

Oh no! I'm slipping!

I look up as she winds up to slice down at me.

There's no time to dodge and I don't know if blocking will work! What do I do?!

With no other choice I brace myself as she comes crashing down, bringing with her the full force of all her anger and resentment. I can't stop it and I can't adjust my footing so when the hit lands I'm sent flying backwards, the bat still in hand.

I hit the ground hard, air rushes from my lungs as I finally roll to a stop. I gasp and cough and try desperately to fill my aching lungs. After a few breaths I'm able to roll over and make it to my knees. The sound of her boots echo behind me and I look down at the mess I've become. My clothes are covered with sand and dirt, while my arms are all scratched up from rolling across the ground.

I dust myself off a bit and my hair falls into my face, I swear as I realize I should have put it up before we started. I check my wrist for a hair tie, and then put it up into a lazy bun.

I cough again and spit into the dirt before taking my time standing. As I turn around I see that she's got another huge grin plastered across her stupid face. She's tapping the bat on her shoulder, patiently waiting.

I finally get completely upright and dust myself off some more before looking back up. "You done having your temper tantrum?" I wince as I take a step, she shrugs; that damn smile still plastered on her stupid face

1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 /

Ko-fi |

[survivorcordillerablanca]

Episode 4 Confessionals

RTP is a monster. Anyway, we fucking crushed that immunity. I wanted Jordan pines voted out. I've only ever played one org with him and he was my nemesis and I just don't have the mental capacity to deal with a nemesis in this one. Why couldn't Willa have done better

we won the music video.. and my ass edited a full video plus a roast after never using adobe premiere before so im pretty shook!! our tribe definitiely seems more... "kumbaya" than the other tribe which... eh. i want the drama! but other than that our tribes good. i def feel like ive been getting complacent with talking to people so im gonna start trying to ramp back up my social game to how it was in the first round hopefully?? i need to start talking more and making bonds. (not much i can really do though, willow katie and chris are on the bottom) i just have to ensure theyre still on the bottom and hopefully keep katie safe for me to work with?? willow and chris can go i guess. also charlotte can go too tbh. like id prefer me/bryce/zach/katie over me/bryce/zach/charlotte but a returnees alliance is easier to put together, so ill work with charlotte!! idk why i dont wanna work with her i just dont get a good vibe from her?? sounds dumb but im trying to trust my gut. and ... yeah not much has happened and i dont wanna make major waves just yet.

Free rice is so fun and not having to do grammar? Amazing! Hope I can do well in this challenge to show I'm useful. I feel like their isn't a lot of socializing happening on our tribe but I'm gonna try to change that. katieare propane torches dangerous? I want to go get one at home depot today. katiehere is my second confessional: charlotte seems chill I wonder if she will work with me in this game?

WILLA IS FINALLY GONE. God I can't believe he didn't compete in a single challenge and managed to not get first boot. We did Emma so dirty, I can't believe it, bring her back. Anyway, going in this reward challenge I'm not too fussed about whether we win or not, it would be nice to see what the Wishing Well is all about but eh, I'm not too fussed. Immunity is what I really want because now that we got rid of the dead weight I think the fingers may start to pointed at the winners AKA me and Jay. We have enough votes to tie it since Jordan is with us. We could potentially swing Adam but he's very much linked with Ryan who is linked with Lexi so it's...a mess. No tribal pls @ immunity gods!

Wow we won another challenge. Is the other tribe even trying? I didn't want to submit too much in case I seemed like a threat so I'm happy that I didn't do the most and we still won. I never find anything in the wishing well tho. Wish I knew who was picking the right number. But focusing on the positive, we won again!! ryan matthewi literally don't know what to do if we go to tribal. i won't want the full jordan pines experience to be blindsided by him. obviously lexi and i are a duo so im hoping we have options if that happens....

So I was looking over my Malaysia confessionals for some reason. What started as me trying to find my FTC speech turned into me reliving horrible and painful memories of Mitchell Kalabang calling me an idiot in many creative ways. Anyways, the reason I mention this is because I noticed that I made a lot of good, detailed confessionals in that game and I want to make sure I can do the same here for Athena. Well as of now, I think I'm in an okay position. I make a bit of chit chat with everyone now and again. I'll need to step that up today though just in case we go to tribal. I admit I've been slacking in my relationships with anyone who's name doesn't rhyme with Pordan Jines. I did congratulate Ryan on winning Kvaløya and told Adam that I'm not gonna vote him out, so that's something. Lexi also came to me and was like "I promise I'll do better on the challenge next time." Like I'm some authority on effort. Ryan probably told her that I was a little annoyed that no one tried in the video challenge. To sum it up, Jordan Pines will always be targeted before me so I am perfectly content letting him take the reins for the time being. I have decent relationships with Ryan and Adam. Lexi is with Ryan for sure. And Luke sketches me out just like every other game I've played with him. I hope we win immunity. 

So we need to win this immunity or we fucked. Like it just doesn't make sense to me. On this tribe we have me jay luke ryan and adam. In theory we should never lose a challenge, but theory is dumb and we lose everything. Like we've managed to keep a cohesive group that i honestly think genuinly likes each other but like, if we lose its all over. If we win this immunity we can hopefully swap and go into it 6-6 and maybe bring katie over to our side. If we lose however everything is done. We go into what may be a divided tribal and lose any hope of keeping a tight 6. We can't lose. Dear god let us win immunity BryceCurrently I'm worried about Zach/Charlotte but I still trust them just something to look out for. Hoping we can win this immunity but if not I think I'd want chris or willow out probably but I'd fall back on my alliance with Zach/Charlotte/Carson

So of course our next immunity is a typing challenge. With this other tribe as insanely fast at typing as they are, I'm really not liking our chances at winning this immunity. I've been pretty busy the past couple of days so I feel like I may be in trouble if we lose.

wait i did that wrong; Katie Shoots Target # sorry i wasnt here on time

I love nothing more than a true underdog story. Zach and Bryce came in the fucking CLUTCH and pulled out that win for us. I can't believe it. In all my days of winning immunity challenges with a tribe, this is probably my favorite one. I'm so happy. I genuinely like everyone on my tribe and I'm so happy we aren't splitting up. Cue RTP laughing at this confessional because we're probably gonna have a swap next.

LOOK AT US WINNING IMMUNITY. SAFETY IS A GOOD COLOR ON ULTA!!!!!

Like ik im probs jinxing something but this game is boring nobody wants to talk game. also everyone just ends conversations after they respond to how are you, and i try and make  small talk... like?? whatevs. im focusing on this game and i rlly wanna make merge. (also zach + bryce killed it woo i love them) nothing is rlly happening in this game which sucks. i predict that therell be a swap next round which is.. eh?? idk how i feel about that but im hoping i wont be swapfucked. (also i think im acc becoming good friends with zach and im happy hes gr8!!)

Wow me and Zach scoring all the points is good. I don't want to be seen as a challenge threat tho in case we swap and I'm somehow not in numbers. It's odd how like everyone hounds Jordan Pines and I can't tell if its jokingly or if hes enemy number 1 FJSDFHSJDF. I'm glad to not go to tribal and to have a 7-5 advantage. Whenever I talk to Willow we talk about nothing for like 2 minutes and thats it. Hasn't eaten meatloaf wish I were her, but hasn't had enchiladas? suspicious... Maybe shes vegan but even still how can I trust someone who doesn't know the goodness of an enchilada. Really wish I had some idea what was happening with the other tribe. Not being in a one world situation is different and I wish I could talk to them more to get a better picture seeing as how I'm going in blind if we swap/merge. Anyways that's all for now

I am well and truly fucked. I slept through all of my alarms last night and ended up missing the immunity challenge which we LOST. Guess what the agenda for the last two people who were voted off was? They didn't compete in challenges. Guess what I just didn't do? COMPETE IN A FUCKING CHALLENGE. God I'm so screwed. My only hope right now is that Jordan and Jay don't hate me enough to vote with me and try and break up the duo of Ryan and Lexi. I'm going to have to pray that Adam will want to work with me too otherwise the vote will tie and I do NOT trust Jay enough to go to rocks for me. Jordan might do that but I don't trust Jay at all to risk his life like that for me. I have a lot of work to put into today so...pray for me. 

WE WON IMMUNITYT! I'm so happy, i need to make two confessionals so this is one: im so happy i pulled through. I tried so hard to focus and make sure we didn't go to tribal because genuinely I like everyone on our tribe andd i'd feel bad voting anyone tbh. im not best socially right now and i think i need to use this time critically. I PROMISE ILL MAKE BETTER ONES NEXT ROUND HEHE

tribe assessment: bryce-  iconic king. he's good at challenges, and i think him and i are semi close. i'm down for working w him and i think he's a good asset carson - my favourite i guess? im closest to him, him and i talk a LOT, and he's super fun and social. i'm a lil worried down the road ideally because of his social game, but for now he's an ally charlotte - her and i are in two games together, so it's risky. i trust her and like her, but our social game w/ one another isn't like phenomenal or anything. She is super sweet Chris - Like... him and I talk a fair amount, not a lot, but he's super cool. I love his puppy (or whoevers puppy that is) and i think he's super sweeet katie - similar as Chris. her and I dont talk a LOT but shes really cool and i think she's a good asset challenge-wise. willow- i love her she's so sweet but she never replies (or often, at least) so RIP! I do think ill end up working w her down the road though, she's a queen -- overall i do like everyone so going to tribal would be awful because i have to vote one out. BUT, theres been speculation on an upcoming swap too... so that's intense. but, nonetheless, im here for twists!

Nope. Thats all i got to say. Like we should have won that. and we didnt and now im mad. And we had a good group of 6 like it was the perfect group of people. But no. We now have to go down to 5 and fuck this up. So thanks RTP. Thanks a lot. Adam might go, he might now? i dont know. I dont care. Just give us a win please.

I'm trying to get the vote on Adam and I feel like even tho jay and Jordan agreed, just the way their talking to me making sure everything's alright with the plan and the fact Adam hasn't tried to PM me I feel like they're just lying

Ok so this is my immunity challenge confessional. We never win reward so i knew we were probably doomed and will never see the wishing well. but i didnt really care about reward. NOW FOR IMMUNITY. im alittle nervous because i feel like since we got rid of the non actives i'm the next in line. So i did my best for the immunity challenge. I mean i got 2 out of the 4 points we scored so i did half the work which in my opinion shows i care a bit. we were in the lead and then the other tribes whole fucking tribe comes out of nowhere and kicks our ass and im just like .....bye

Ok this is my before tribal council confessional. So after we lost ryan created an alliance with me,himself,jay, and jordan. which ok i dont trust jordan that much but i gotta take what i can get. They all want adam out even tho luke didnt do shit for the challenge. Which i like adam but not enough to try to switch the vote. So i prevoted adam but ryan and i feel like some shady shit may happen and one of us will go since people know were best friends. I'll raise hell if ryan goes and hopefully he'd do the same if i go. But i guess we'll see

Man this idol is gonna be so hard to find asdjkfadjsk wish their were hints to it AdamIt sucks that we lost the challenge. I didn't help much more than trying a few times in the beginning. I think I'll like it better when I can do individual challenges, cuz then I only have me to do the challenge so if I don't do it its just skin off my back. I have to make it there first, and that requires good relations with my tribemates, so I can't slack off anymore if I want to maintain that. I hope a swap comes soon, but not with the numbers stacked against Copa tribe members :/

I don't know what I'm going to do about tribal. I voted Luke but it really blows that we lost because I really liked all my teammates. I guess that's on me, maybe I shoulda done better and then we wouldn't be down a tribemate. Consequences and junk. I hope I'm not getting blindsided. I wouldn't put it past Jordan but it seems early in the game for that when we could be really good allies. Just depends if he trusts me I guess. I'm a loyal as fuck though, so I'm gonna make Jordan my main bitch this time. Only depends on if I'm his main bitch. Let's see if we go far together

Hahahahahahahahahahaha I found the idol. But its like one world style or w/e b/c I found the copa idol. And I had to give it to someone without knowing them and without them knowing i sent it. Thats unfortunate b/c I could bond with them but I guess if me and Luke are ever on the same tribe I can let him know and work with him. I was thinking Zach and Charlotte were really close but Charlotte didn't know about the idol map so maybe they aren't. But yaa I just asked my alliance to tell me who to give it to because I have no idea about any of those people having never played with them. Carson initially wanted me to give it to Jay O but then I decided to ask my whole alliance for input to try to make it seem like I'm close with them and want to stay together, which I did. And that's when they said lets give it to Luke. Also Anyone But Jordan Pines 2k17 which made me laugh

OKAY! I FORGOT TO DO ONE BUT ITS RIGHT AFTER TRIBAL SO HERE I AM! Adam is gone. Good. Me, Pines, Ryan, and Lexi are aligned. Meh, at best. If we lose, the original group of me Pines and Luke will split up their duo. Go us!

Did I do a confessional already? I have no idea. I'm in three games. Sue me. We won immunity this week so TBH I stopped paying attention after that happened. BUT HEY, APPARENTLY YOU CAN SEARCH FOR IDOLS AND I DIDN'T KNOW OOPS. Fuck, I'm the worst. How am I still here?