#maybe this is that thing where I just heap pressure onto myself again and I'm actually okay

[redrocketpanda]

This is just a random little thought that's currently unraveling in my brain that may be of interest to no one but me (which is fine, whatever, it's my blog and I'll leave my dirty laundry on the floor if I want to), but I am currently having some Thoughts about my fears around writing dialogue + characterization and wondering if this stems from being autistic...? I am also now genuinely curious whether those of you who are autistic who write fiction that involves people/characters (in all its many forms, including comics) may share similar fears/issues/generally relate to this

I find that I'm constantly tripping up whilst writing the fics I'm writing at the moment and started reflecting on what the issue(s) might be. In all of them, I know what's happening and what I want to happen, and yet when I come to write I feel like I start to choke. For the most part, I would say my previous fics have been quite Dialogue Lite. They tend to focus a lot on description and emotions. I know what the rooms look like, what the character's are doing, how they feel about each other... I know what it feels like to touch, to inhale someone's comforting scent, to be scared, to love... and I know that my writing is very emotive because of this

But when it comes to writing dialogue? Jfc kill me now. Every piece of dialogue I write feels like getting blood from a stone. It feels absurd. It sounds (to me) so unnatural. The KazuRei fic is supposed to be humorous and heart-warming; the Kunichi one teasing and hot. But my mind just draws a blank over and over again.

I don't experience this IRL - I always have something to say. People tend to find me to be charismatic and funny. But I have no idea how to translate this into writing, because I don't know how I'm doing it or sometimes even what I'm doing. It just comes out like that. I do also know that I constantly misunderstand people, often think about thing's very literally, find turn-taking difficult, and find things like RP stressful bc there's no dialogue options for me to choose.

And when I was sitting here reflecting on why dialogue scares me so much, I had this thought hit me; I don't really understand how people (who aren't me) talk to each other, I don't always really understand how verbal communication works, I don't really understand other people. And I'm scared of that being printed in black and white text for everyone else to see. I'm scared of people reading my work and realizing that I'm like... some kind of "broken" human.

If you ask me to pick a favourite character (let's take an easy one and go for Bakugou), I could tell you in intimate fucking detail about who he is, what his emotional landscape is, all of his fears and desires and dreams. Ask me to write something that he might say... and I can't. And the further we get away from characters that are like me, the harder it continues to get. I am finding it hard to even think about how my friends who I speak to every fucking day might respond to something.

Anyway, this was a really long ramble as my thoughts literally processed in my brain. And it's makes me super sad bc I would love to write something that people think is funny and has characters that people fall in love with, but I'm starting to worry that I don't have that capability

[sofijaeger]

hey, it's my first time doing any request so i'm little embarrassed but i'm excited too!! i love your writing so much<33 i had this in my mind for a while

Eren's s/o kissing his palms/hands or the spots where he usually bites his hand when he's about to transform

it can be anything(like drabble/headcanons etc. i hope you get me😭) once again I LOVE YOUR WRITING SM!!

that is so frickin adorable STOP I LOVE YOU AND YOUR BRAIN🥺 you can always request things to me, i’m not sure how soon i’ll get onto them but i will try my best and i love hearing from you!

okay i’m actually really proud of this one haha! the drabble will take place during the reclaim of shiganshina arc if that’s alright, and psa i scared myself writing a certain line because i had no clue how i was going to proceed after implying a major death LMAO. i think you’ll know what line i’m taking about but don’t worry nothing happens lol.

warnings: angst... IM SORRY🥲

words: 1.1k

kissing vow ~ eren x reader

Dawn quickly rose over the well-known territory. The part of land that was whispered upon for years ever since its fall, and a place strangely familiar to all your ears and hearts even if you hadn’t traveled there yourself. After the trip into the midnight wilderness you had arrived for a mission far greater than any other, and it was clear there were no visible signs of doubt from anyone.

Except for of course, the young boy with more pressure on his chest than anyone, one you cared for very dearly who’d call almost every shot with his actions. He was frightened beyond compare, so as the last few squads stood atop Wall Maria, urgently waiting for any signal, Eren was practically pissing himself right then and there. He had returned, devised a plan with all the leading commanders in just a few days, and was now preparing to risk his life for his homeland and people. There was no moment of rest for him or any of you. Besides the constant worry of succeeding the mission this very well may be the last time any of you see each other again.

You shout out his last name, once, twice, as he was too far in his own head to hear your first call and jog to him, gripping your delicate fingers over his shoulders. In the years you’ve spent together as scouts those small releases of tension-touching had become a clear sign you wanted each other’s attention, and you both caught onto the gesture quite quickly. Eren softened his eyes in your presence to notion just how focused he was on you. His subconscious would always allow his gaze to wander to you and what you had to say, he felt calmer that way.

“I already see you getting all inside your head, I thought talking about this on the journey here would be enough for you?” you whisper, leaning your head a little closer in attempt to understand what possibly was rumbling through his mind now.

“What if we lose”

“What?”

“I can’t bear to see us all lose! If we waited a little longer, a few more days, maybe we could have advised a plan that wouldn’t risk half the corps’ lives!” He tangled his hand in his hair, gripping the shaggy strands already coming loose from the stress he overdrove himself into. Your hands soften against the thick cloth of his cape, frowning at the few tears pricking his eyelids.

“Er, you’re more than welcome to cry to me later, just not now.” you chuckle.

“How are you so sure there’ll be a later y/n.”

You mouth opens before you can process your words, watching his cheek crane over to rest on the back of your hand that still lay against his collar. Here was humanity’s savior more worried than everyone minutes before call, but that you were perfectly fine with. This side to him was all the more proof that he was human, no matter what people labeled his being as.

“How am I sure? Bold of you to question my predictions Jaeger.” you exaggerate, placing your hands on your hips in a sneer. “I’m certain i’ll come back alive, and why? Because your protecting me with ever passionate fiber in your body, just as you will everyone else. You’re fighting for our justice against these monsters, the ones with no mind or cause. You have a cause to fight Eren and you have a heart too, a damn big one if I do say so myself. It’s the reason we support you with in the entireties of our own.”

With that, you intertwine your fingers around his right thumb, softly calloused to the touch he notes time and time again, and place it in front of your mouth to kiss. His body tenses at the feeling, but his eyes widen when he realizes where exactly you’ve placed it, your trust in him, where you’ve unknowingly hinted your years of growing affection for the boy in the heap of a split second.

Over the bitten scars littered down his radial.

He looks at you in confirmation of what he thinks it meant, and smiles into those fierce doe eyes of yours. A genuine emotion he hasn’t felt in months through grieving and loss, but could so easily melt into again with you.

So yes, he held a dangerous power, but it was all his. Something his true self was a part of that no one should ever neglect, and he found all the support he needed within the soldier right before him.

“Knock em dead Ren, do your best for everyone who’s lived and who will continue to. None of us would be standing here without you, so your presence alone is precious to us...

...We all believe in you, I believe in you.”

You guide his palm to your cheek, nuzzling into its claminess. As he engraves the plush feeling of his fingertips to your skin, a green smoke signal is fired.

And even when Eren was positive not everyone could be saved, he was reminded the ones following the biggest goals in the end would persevere and care for each other just as you had for him. He was confident you’d all succeed that way.

Like Armin now does over Commander Erwin,

Or little Gabi rather than Sasha, no matter what unjust brainwashing she believes.

But him or you, who would risk their own life caring for whom they loved most?

That was one thing he never wanted to find out.

Now he slouches in a rotten, stoned cell, contemplating what could’ve changed if only he had tried a little harder, or had this all been fate from the start?

His hand resting in his lap catches his glance, peering down at the bite marks still evident across his thumb. Surely if the marks he made as a teen persisted your kiss would too.

He slowly brings his hand up, cautious of any guards mistaking the move for another transformation, and presses his lips against the same spot you had. He closes his eyes at the warmth, sensing it was still emitting from your own lingering touch years ago. Unfortunately there had been no more little kisses, subtle clues of affection from either of you ever since. He liked those hints he really did, but now he was sure you stood a few floors above him, devising a plan to put an end to his scheme rather than caring over his emotions.

Weren’t you the one who told him to keep going though?

Perhaps if he had told you his motives beforehand rather than keeping them inside. How he appreciated every act of tenderness you gave him, more than anything he’s experienced before, how all this time he’s fought on this battlefield people called the world, for you and everyone else. Maybe then you’d stay out of his way and let him succeed, but his actions had no time for feelings or explanations. The freedom he desperately searched for in the future held no care for the past.

Yet he could never lie to himself and think you didn’t love him still, even after all this time. And Eren couldn’t deny anything about his own feelings for you, it’s what kept him going.

[leviloveslemonpledge]

Hello! I'm so glad I found your blog bc as I can see there's not so much active aot blogs on tumblr now( Anyways, can you write a drabble (platonic!) at trainee squad with Armin? They've recently gotten there and reader is not talkative and even maybe seems to be a cold loner at first? It turns out that she can't humble the loss of her family and usually comes out the dorm and starts crying so no one can see her weakness. Armin sees it and talks to her and eventually they become friends

And with some more trainees as well!) Reader is actually a nice and caring person. I hope it’s not that much and sorry from any mistakes, I’m not from English speaking country. Have a nice day!

Hiya, I asked for a request with Armin aaaand I kinda changed my mind a bit. If it’s not too late, can you make reader pretty cheerful and optimistic outside instead of being reversed? She just hides her emotions behind that happy mask bc she wants to be strong but Armin notices that. Sorry I couldn’t write about this before, I’ll be more accurate next time! Of course you don’t need to rewrite it if you’ve already started

There’s more of us around than you think, we’re just hiding. ;D

I am so excited about this ask!! Hope you like it anon! :D

“Is it true you were in Shiganshina when those titans broke through?”

“Yeah, we all were.” Eren gestures to himself, Armin and Mikasa, who shrinks into her scarf. 

“So then… what are you doing here? With the scouts? If you know how dangerous they are?”

“They’re no big deal, really… I’m going to kill every last one of them!”

“You’re certainly braver than I am… I don’t want to take those things on!” Bertholdt exclaims, shivering.

“What?!” Eren yells, nearly climbing up onto the table. “What the hell are you doing here then?” Armin pulls him back into his seat with difficulty. 

“Eren, come on. Let them tell their side of things.”

“We have a mission.” Reiner takes a swig of water, downing his entire cup. “We have to join up if we want to get back home. It’s the only way.” Bertholdt nods solemnly.

“Home…I don’t think we’ll ever get back there…” Armin murmurs.

Noticing the dark shift in the table’s atmosphere, you squirm uncomfortably in your seat. Everyone’s lives have been devastated, yours included, but it hurts you to see them all in such anguish. You take a deep breath. You’re not sure if this’ll work, but you have to try.

“Come on now, everyone! Home may be far away, but if we give it our all and work together, it isn’t nearly as far away as it seems! Don’t lose heart, we still have a chance.” You force a smile, but it turns real as the light returns in everyone’s eyes. 

“That’s right! We’ll hit the books, get stronger. We’re not little kids anymore, we’ll turn ourselves into titan killing machines!” Eren bursts out. 

“Heh, yeah, no way I’m going to be weaker than a punk like you!” Reiner laughs as he grabs Eren in a light chokehold. With the table laughing and smiling again, you feel a sense of relief. Finally, you were useful, unlike that day…

Your smile drops as you remember the day the wall fell. Your family being trapped in the house while you had gone out to run some errands. By the time you ran back to them, it was too late. There were titans coming from every direction, and fearing death you had run. You’ve hated yourself for being such a useless coward since that day, and swore you would never stand idly by while people suffered ever again.

“Hey, Y/N, where did you say you were from again? You must be from a village further north with your lighthearted disposition!” Reiner asks with a big, teasing grin, still struggling with Eren.

With that, something in you snapped. Your smile vanished instantly, along with any feelings of warmth and camaraderie. 

“I…”

Your heart beats faster.

“I’m from…”

Your hands clench into tight fists.

“from Shiganshina.”

Suddenly you’re back to your home on that day, watching massive titans stomp casually through the city, towards your small family home. You so desperately wanted to help, and ran to them as fast as you could, hoping to beat the hulking monstrosities. When you rounded the corner you saw one rip the roof off with a small tug. It paused to look at you, it’s big eyes empty of any compassion, filled only with dulled boredom. A warm trickle flowed down your leg, but your body refused to move. It wasn’t until a passerby tugged on your arm that you were able to run. Run from death. Run from pain. Run from your family’s screams as they were eaten alive.

“Y/N?” Mikasa asks, her face laced with concern.

You can feel your emotions rising to the surface and start to panic. 

“What? Me? Of course I’m fine I just… um… I have to go to the bathroom!” You force a fake laugh as you rush out of the mess hall. Rounding the corner you press your back against the cold stone wall and finally allow yourself to break down. You sink to the floor in a distressed heap, quietly sobbing as you hug your knees into your chest.

“Hey… Y/N?” Armin places a hand gingerly on your shoulder. you look up at him, startled, quickly wiping away the tears flowing down your cheeks. 

“Oh, Armin, I didn’t realize you were…”

“Are you alright?” He stared at you, his eyes filled with worry and genuine care. It makes you feel weak and worthless, always in need of saving.

“I’m sorry, I’m being such a burden… Give me a minute and I’ll be back to myself again. I promise.” You refuse to look him in the eye, ashamed of yourself.

A spark of recognition flashes through Armin’s mind as he sees himself in your pained, vulnerable form. As he watches you collect your broken pieces for his sake, he can’t help but notice your strength and wish there was some way he could support you.

“Don’t put so much pressure on yourself to be strong on my account, Y/N. What we went through in Shiganshina… it was hell. We lost so many people, good people, and we have to honor their lives by remembering them. Yes, it’s hard and sometimes painful, but it’s better than if they hadn’t been part of our lives at all. I lost my grandfather during that expedition to reclaim wall maria, and I miss him terribly, but I know he’d want me to remember all the good times we had, and to be happy. I’m sure your family wants the same for you. We were kids back then, there was nothing we could do, but it’s like you said, if we work hard then one day, maybe, we can make a difference.”

You let out a sob, your own body betraying your determined efforts to stay in control. Soon your eyes run like rivers, and your hands fly to your face in one last attempt to hide the hurt you’ve been holding in for so long.

“It’s okay, Y/N. You don’t have to pretend, not for me.”

“I- I’m sorry Armin, I didn’t mean to bother you with this. I’m so sorry.”

He sits next to you on the floor.

“It’s a relief actually, knowing I’m not the only one hurting.” After a moment of contemplation he wraps his arm around your shoulders, then sits with you in silence for as long as you need.