#me and my bf are sharing a room at church camp

[cornerstone-of-my-heart]

Let's get in on like donkey kong- for the lord 🙏

[lesless]

Hm so, I have found many a small joy in doing for others. I feel very lucky & I want to share my newfound peace & stability. So I, mail food to family & friends & buy pretty parchment & send letters with stickers inside because I think that might brighten peoples days. Truly, I have everything I need & want even & that’s SO bizarre for me, I guess because I grew up so broke & I never really thought I’d ever do better than my moms struggle & sharing a bunk bed with her & being hungry & tired & afraid of what’s to come all the time. I didn’t think I’d find such good friends who love me, & I certainly didn’t think I’d end up being the rock in so many lives. & I’m so grateful to be that harbor for people & now that I have expendable income I can buy art & food for friends & stamps, as many stamps as I want. Roses or sunflowers even, just because, to spruce up the dining table we have. I’ve never had a dining room table & even though it’s a used ikea table that was like $100 including the chairs I love our table. I love my comfortable couch & that I have linen (blend) sheets. I love our plants & my dogs & the little fish that sit atop Terry’s home. & sometimes I get so overwhelmed with how lucky I am that I don’t even know what to say.

Today I went to the discount store to try to find more long skirts but, they’re out of season. Instead, I found $3 ghost hand towels for our kitchen that say “I’m here for the BOO’s” & “You’re my BOO” & there’s ghosts on them. I found a stupid huge canvas for $19.99 that would have made me at 22 cry for sheer joy & I spent part of this PM sketching out ideas for the huge thing. I also spent considerable time picking out winter layers for the men in our area, I got my bf a cozy lee brand fleece snap-button layer he keeps calling an “old man coat” much to my distaste. I got the neighbor a really nice coat with loads of pockets & his dad a pullover that he might not like lol. I should’ve looked for a coat for our hiking friend Will but I didn’t see anything that particularly screamed his name. It made me happy to deliver these. It took me a solid 15 minutes in the parking lot to Tetris my fucking huge ass canvas into the car.

Lately I feel I am really coming into my own. I understand my comfort & style now that I’ve had a few years of play $ to figure out what I like (all spent at dd’s discounts or comparable shops lol) I’ve been spending some time sketching &, I’m nearly back in my groove. It takes an embarrassingly long time to warm up for me. I guess. I’ve felt so good food-wise like we really honed in on what causes inflammation & mood disturbances in my system! I do want to dance more. Like, out, & not embarrassingly in my home haha. I’m really loving my book, I’m nearly done, & how bittersweet that is. I’m enjoying our show & that my partner loves an anime from my childhood as much as I.

I’ve maybe finally learned how to un-tense. I’ve been expecting bad to follow my good &, how miserable that is. How paranoid, & what a defense mechanism. I’ll just handle the bad when it comes instead of bracing for it.

It was interesting to wander stores & find noting I need. It was a strange feeling. To have nothing in dire need replacement or repair. To have nothing titillate my wants. Instead, I feel I need to purge some old things. I’ve found a little church that helps the homeless to donate old camping pads to, perhaps clothes as well. How lovely it is to give.

Winter creeps in at night, & is boiled out in the day. I worry maybe I won’t be able to fill all these canvas. Not with anything good, anyway, but that thought feels defeatist. We are meant to camp this weekend, but our friend may be coming down with a cold. So, we will see. I cleaned the whole house today, too, & here I am at 11:11, smiling big, making wishes.

[rebelliousrejects]

Mormon Girls Camp-Shayla

So I’ve been in this relationship with this guy named Jose from the Spanish ward in my stake aka Silver Spring Stake MD, well since July 13. People in that ward kinda disapproved of me being his gf some people there actually liked me. Well since I was the only white girl who would actually go talk to them and try to be their friend unlike other people in my stake who were mostly white. This stake is in two counties Prince Georges County which other counties in Maryland except Baltimore like to say it’s ghetto and trashy; and the other county is Montgomery which is nicer apparently and full of the white Mormons. My stake is mostly from Montgomery, so we have more white people in our stake then other races. But remind you again Me (Shayla) and this band are from PG where there’s barely any white people there which is quite nice to me, I like the POC here anyways. They’ve always accepted me. When I met the Spanish ward kids I felt more accepted in the church because they were like how I’m used to at home and before in the  church, I never felt accepted at all.

Well here comes girls camp....

First Day:

The girls ask me at the stake center while we were waiting for the bus if me and Jose were really going out. I said yes and some showed awws and some showed me disgusted looks. Then I try to ignore it and we change the subject, then I keep getting this vibe that I’m not being accepted by some of them which gets me feeling in a deep depression and makes me have a lot of anxiety on what I’m doing wrong. The girl who gives this vibe off to me the most is named “Ally” or “Alejandra”. Me and her were always friends but ever since this year I’ve felt like she hates me. On the bus no one sits with me so I’m glad with that because I have an anxiety attack. But I hide myself in my pillow so I don’t get called an “Attention Seeker”. Some of the Spanish girls asked if I was ok and I lied and said “Yes I’m ok” while hiding myself in my pillow. I then pull out my blade but quickly hide it from everyone else as we go in the Taco Bell to use the bathroom. When it became my turn to use the bathroom, I locked the door and basically self harmed my feelings away. I put the blade away and but I accidentally left some of my blood in there;but no one noticed it. I end up hiding my face until camp. At camp, I was already done dealing with people. So around night time I’m wearing my night gown “I’ll start working when my coffee does”... All of my friends at camp were POC....Yea btw Sophie isn’t my friend tbh...So my friends were saying I looked nice while everyone else just gave me death stares for wearing it. I actually got into a argument with a Molly that night about it...really pissed me off so i was like Fuck you to her.... So it’s night time, I’m in my tent with Alejandra,America,and Yenny. They are all in the same ward as my bf. So they were talking about my bf little did I know that my bf used to have a major crush on America to the point he texted America’s mother saying that he was deeply in love with her. But apparently her dad always is outside the sunday school room so he doesn’t talk to her. Hearing that made me so insecure so I texted him asking him about it, he seem confused so I ended that convo...

2nd Day:

It was the service project/Hike. I was with my friend Elena and Mimi who were 3rd years and btw I was a 4th Year. We basically had to walk and pick up trash but the head of camp was supposed to be my step mother but this lady Sister Willis threw a pity party to not get released so they were supposed to be sharing it. But it turned out that Sister Willis like over stepped my step mother. Btw she is Sophie’s mother. She always hated me but she also didn’t like the spanish girls. This was the first day my anger started to build up. We had to make our own dinner this day, so I didn’t eat any of it because well I didn’t like it. Also in the morning I drank coffee i brought and I shared some with Elena. Also during the day my step mother heard that Sophie (the other white girl in my year aka very molly) was saying to her older sister Lucy who was our WCL that we weren’t up to her level and that she was sick of us. So her mom of course let her sleep in with the WCLs Madelyn and Icky (The only POC WCL at camp). Lucy was like me a bit with the mental issues. Lucy was also trashed by her mom behind her back to her sisters at camp. But Lucy slept outside in a canopy.  I went and told the girls what Sophie said and we were all mad about it. At that point it was like we all hated Sophie and Madelyn. The reason Madelyn was because she was a bitchy WCL and did was Sophie did and treated us less than her. Icky hated them too. Icky and me met like when I was a 2nd year. She was fun we ended up swindling a leader out of 20$.

3rd Day comes:

Me and Elena we are just getting really tired of people at this point. Like from the drama from the girls or from the leaders. In the early of the day we both had anxiety attacks but she coughs up blood. But I ended up self harming. The nurse who is Dominican helps us both and we talk with her. Me and her both walk to the dock to talk, We discuss my issues. When I get back to camp I get yelled at by my leader to where i was and I was like I was with the nurse. At this point I get really upset and pissed cause they’re like cherry picking me. So me and Elena were able to skip the talk at night and stuff and we ended up being bad and fucking things up. Also we learned that day that Ally doesn’t like anyone at all that she just likes to trash people ever since her parents got a divorce.

4th day comes:

So it’s around dinner time and it starts pouring and thundering after we went to the pool. Remind you this at the pool I’ve cussed so much that day in front of Sister Willis cause i didn’t care anymore. I went with Elena to her tent to help her move her and everyone else’s stuff away from the walls in the tents. While I was doing that a leader yells “Is Shayla in there?” I go “Yes but I’m helping Elena with her stuff” then they go rudely which pisses me off “ WELL WE DON’T CARE ABOUT ELENA, YOU NEED TO BE AT STAKE” Right at that moment they fucked up and i yelled back “WELL IF YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT ELENA THEN I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU OR ANYONE ELSE DOWN THERE. YOU ALL CAN GO FUCK YOURSELVES. I DON’T CARE ANYMORE FUCK YOU ALL!” After that Elena and me go to the bathroom to stay there. My step mother is in there but she turns out to be in there with Sister Willis’s oldest daughter back from her mission. And I’m just telling my step mother why I’m so pissed and she tells Elena to stay with me in the bathroom to cool down. But the major problem was that leaders kept coming in the bathroom along with the WCLs that I hated telling me i have to be at stake. They like came right at the moment when i was about to be calmed down. The 7th leader that came in the bathroom with her older daughter to tell me that I need to be at stake I just flipped out on them saying “LOOK YOU GUYS NEED TO LEAVE US THE FUCK ALONE! CAUSE IF YOU GUYS KEEP COMING IN HERE TELLING ME THAT I GOTTA BE AT STAKE IMA END UP CUSSING EVERYONE ELSE OUT! IM ALREADY ON THE EDGE OF SNAPPING!” The leaders left mortified and in shock. Elena was there with me trying to calm me down. Strangers from the camps near us also helped me calm down and i told them what happened.

last day comes:

Still pouring and I was done with everyone’s shit. The girls took my phone and the next day try to tell my bf i tried to expose him. He believed me but he couldn’t take the drama so he dumped me. But he told me he still loves me. The end and this was my worst year at camp.... -_-