#me using my blog as venting space and confessional

[booksaresacredspew]

I find I need to talk about strokes (and other brain trauma), and how they change people, and how we react to those changes.

My mother had a stroke when I was 5 or 6 years old. It happened during a bunch of other medical stuff I won't go into here, but it was probably a pretty foundational experience for me. Physically, it partially paralyzed a lot of the muscles on one side of her face, so immediately afterward she looked a lot different.

So, when she got home, what I apparently said to her is, "You're not my mommy!"

I don't remember this. But she does. She's the one who told me about it. And I keep thinking how awful that must have felt to her.

Anyway I don't really remember much what she was like before her stroke. I grew up knowing that she had trouble swallowing, and had short term memory loss so it was important not to interrupt her or she's forget what she was going to say. Her voice sounds pretty hoarse because they had to shift one side of her vocal chords closer to the other side so she'd have a voice at all, because that side was paralyzed. I learned to listen closely so I could hear when she was speaking it trying to speak, because she's quiet and needs to say her piece before it gets knocked right out of her head. This is my normal.

And I was 16 when my dad had a stroke. This time the effects were more obvious to me because I have clear memories of the before as well as the after. Physically, it affected his balance, and his vision. He's less coordinated and dexterous in his dominant hand. But it affected him mentally as well, and these effects were harder for me to cope with.

His ability to find the words he wants to use, and his ability to enunciate, were reduced. But more than that, his emotional capacity seemed to regress to a more child like state. He'd have tantrums, after. If he got frustrated, he might start shouting and throwing things - never at people, but it was still alarming and upsetting to witness. He's gotten better about that, since. He also whines loudly when he doesn't get his way, and sometimes it's a joke but sometimes it's not really. There are probably more things I can't articulate it haven't noticed consciously, but which still affect how I relate to him.

Growing up, I was always closer to my dad. This is because, in spite of the issues I mentioned earlier, my mom was the one gainfully employed for most of my childhood, while my dad got laid off when I was 6 or 7 and never got another job. So he was my chauffeur, driving me to and from school, to every extra curricular, and we'd talk in the car about everything and everything.

Recently I've been lamenting that I don't know how to talk to my dad anymore. I don't know how to tell him about my problems and get advice that will help, I don't know how to tell him when what he's saying is triggering my depression, I don't know how to relate to him anymore.

Today I wondered when that started, when I stopped being able to talk to someone who used to be my rock. And I realized, to my shame, that it might have been when he had his stroke. He lost things that day he will never get back. I lost things in my father that I didn't realize I needed. And it's not his fault, and he is still the person who raised me and loved me and taught me so much. I feel guilty for not trying harder, for not learning new ways to communicate with him. And I also grieve for the person he was, who he will never be in quite the same way again.

[creative-classpect]

Hey Kess! Big fan and glad to see you’re back, I haven’t been on this website in almost a year and last time I was you were a lord of rage, mind if I ask what happened? I don’t want to me noisy just curious

I think I tried to not talk about it much, but for a very long time I felt like I was under a lot of pressure. I was just some teenager with a lot of unsorted shit in my head and trauma and emotions I really didn’t know how to handle or what to do with them and I channeled a lot of that into my time here. And it wasn’t all bad!!!! It really wasn’t!!! But the good things aren’t what made me change in anyway. So yeah, I was compulsively working and writing and fixating on all of this stuff I didn’t allow myself to unwind and get rid of any tension, I was so high strung and destroying myself. Like that one phrase “All 7 of the deadly sins” but not in a cool hip fun way, but in a bad and self destructive way, it sucked and I sucked

And not to sound like an ingrate or something, but the relative popularity and success I got from here only made that worse. Like I was, to be honest, kind of a shitty person working themselves too hard and getting attention or praise I really didn’t feel like I deserved but I also needed, giving me wild swings in pride and imposter syndrome. It compounded into this vitriol and disdain, like I hated this project and grew sick of it and myself and just all of it. But I still loved it and fixated, you know? Over time I just got burnt the hell out from everything and I decided to end on a super high note and that’s when I had that mini marathon of posting just sooo much stuff and decided I was done right then and there. To be honest I didn’t think I would ever come back or be seen from again.

So I left this behind for maybe a year, year and a half? And just enjoyed being by myself and living quietly and having a smaller life, it was very nice! And it is very nice, I am so so much happier and I’m at a better place in life.

I only stopped in occasionally, like I do now. I needed time for myself, to vent off steam and to see who I was underneath all this shit. It took some time to even feel comfortable talking about homestuck and studf again, like it was really difficult to be around my friends talking about homestuck and classpects or whatever, it really just sucked. I honestly thought my time here was done forever and in a way I guess it still really is.

But anyways, I took my time, I got my space, I got my bearings straight, and I branched out and grew up. I fixed my shitty fucking self problems and that crap I’m just not proud about. I learned to be more calm and happy and peaceful and more full of love and comfort.

I don’t vibe with Rage like I used to. It was a fire that got me through stuff, but in the end it burned me out. All that hate and rage and passion and energy was just. Fuel and poison. And I’m done with it.

A few months back my friends were reclasspecting themselves and stuff and I was really anxious about it but I jumped in and started looking at myself and Heir of Blood was really just kind obvious

And that really brings us to here? I guess? This blog isn’t my whole life anymore, but I still have an interest and soft spot for it, but I’m never really “coming back”, besides some fun and casual asks or posts when I have ideas or the spirit moves me

-

I know this confessional is late and maybe should have never seen the light of day, but nobody ever really bothered to ask me besides some good friends in private so it’s all coming out now at 5:41 am

[tobns]

so even though i literally owe no one a single explanation, i wanted to take a second while i’m not doing much of anything and...ramble, i guess, about the last month or so. feel free to look at it under the cut, and even if you don’t read all of it, just peep at the first paragraph, it’s for you!

i guess i’ll preface this by saying TO ALL OF THE NEW PEOPLE WHO’VE FOLLOWED ME OVER THE LAST FEW DAYS: hi hello welcome to my blog i’m em and i love you, you are very special and worthy and amazing and i hope you enjoy my blog and the shit i post and know i consider you a friend and am here for you always if you ever wanna talk or need someone to vent to about literally anything from real world problems to fandom feels, i got you ♡

before i begin, if you read ANY part of this below pretty pretty please send asks in my inbox telling me what you think, alright??? ‘cause i do need opinions on some stuff below, so thank you thank you thank you in advance!!!

moving along!

so, number one: as you can probably tell, writing has been kinda slim to none around here lately, and i really don’t know what to tell y’all. i don’t have any kind of grand “oh i’ve been away!” excuse, my reasoning is pretty straightforward — my motivation has been low, i’ve been putting a little more time into exploring solo muses/characters, and as of the last week or so, completely had it with certain, toxic as hell fandoms. one of my really good friends makes youtube videos and she made a video this last week i resonated so much with, where she basically talked about how she was turning youtube into a chore and wasn’t having any fun with it. she was making layouts and trying to pep herself into actually Doing Shit and when the time came, she was completely disappointed with the quality or couldn’t bring herself to finish, and i was screaming “why is this my life??” the whole damn time because i absolutely could relate to it. watching that video made me realize that a) i was turning my fic writing/video editing into something like a chore, i was beating myself up when i didn’t do something on time and could never get it done when i forced myself to work on stuff and that’s so the wrong way to go about it, and b) i’m just not really passionate about what i’m writing now. i’m not. do i love cdg/grey’s? yes, i do, and i still have every intention to finish that story. but like i said, i realized earlier that this is not my job. no one other than myself is forcing me to crank out updates, and the reason i force myself to crank out these updates is because i’m scared that if i take time away from my stuff, when i come back to it, i’ve lost a readership. and it’s incredibly, incredibly hard finding a balance — i want an audience because what’s the point in sharing my shit if no one else is looking, but at the same time i also want to take my time with stories on days where i don’t feel motivated and want to be a little lazy and still maintain that readership, not have them jump ship. i and i’ve had it happen and it completely stripped my desire to even WRITE for a fandom away, and i love grey’s too much to ever want that to happen. but of course, lately all i feel inspired to write is slexie, which died out five years ago, so my readers are slim as is. see my dilemma? it’s a hard, hard thing for me to find a perfect balance with because i either work myself into the ground or neglect it entirely, but it all comes back to the root of this: i’ve come back to terms with the fact that this is not my job, i’m not answering to anyone other than me, i don’t have a paycheck on the line, i’m not under any other restrictions other than the ones i set for myself, and i’m just overall too hard on myself when it comes to something THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN. it’s supposed to be FUN. FANDOM. IS. SUPPOSED. TO. BE. FUN.

and so that’s what i’m trying to do. have fun. write the stuff i want to write because i want to write it, not because i’m feeling obligated or pressuring myself to, but because i’m passionate about it and i want to write it. the saying’s true, if you’re passionate about what you’re putting your effort into, it shows, and i think that is certainly true for all of the fics that have seen any sort of remote success, save for a couple. when my heart’s in the right place, the reactions reflect, and even though that’s a very fucking blind process for me to trust, i’m gonna trust it. 

therefore, i have a fewwwwww little things i wanna let you know about if you do follow my creations

i’ll start with the short one: videos. 

i have not been inspired to make another fucking video because, once again, i keep comparing my shit to others and just not having fun, making it into a job and thinking more about the destination rather than the journey (a very big problem i have that i’m trying to work on). if i’m passionate about it, expect me to edit it. it may not be the greatest, most wonderful video on youtube you’ve EVER SEEN, but i just wanna edit stuff that makes me happy. expect videos for fics that i’ll touch on below, expect videos with more of my favorite musicians and shows and just less of the shit i don’t really want to edit. (this is me, repeating this phrase a lot in order for it to sink into my brain and register okay)

and...now for the not so short one (i’m trying to make this as spaced out, brief and organized as possible for your reading convenience if you’re still fucking reading this lmao): fics.

cdg is the only fic i am going to go forward with updating right now out of all the ones you see on my fic page (which i’m gonna update soon) i got a super sweet review a few days ago that really made me want to keep moving forward. when you’ll see an update? i can’t say. i’m gonna rework some of my outlines and then go from there, but it will be updated. have no fear. xx

i really don’t know if any of you remember/are interested, but ever since 2013, i’ve had an ongoing fic series (the only thing i’ve ever written a sequel for EVER) that’s a hunger games x avengers crossover. the first one is atrocious, honestly, second one is only slightly better, but i’m on the third sequel and lately, i’ve just been dying to do more with it, since i’m actually feeling good about the mcu again with spiderman and the new trailer releases? the fic’s called cataclysm, you can read the first chapter (from a year ago lmao) here if you’d like; to me, this was my fun way of combining super special fandoms for me together. basically, if you want a synopsis of what i did (back 4 years ago) was essentially write katniss into the mcu films. i wrote lights out four years ago and it is...cringe, there’s a good story there if you overlook my shitty deliverance, and i’ve always been pretty proud of the tone inferno took on, even if there’s some stuff i’d like to edit and whatnot. i’m going to try and continue on with cataclysm because it’s what i’m really pumped about right now, and i’ve got a few little things i’d love for y’all to help me with:

#1 — i obviously post this on ffnet, would you like me to also post cataclysm updates to ao3?

which leads into this — if i post to ao3, would you want me to import the other two stories into ao3 as well? fair warning: i’d probably give a solid day to tweaking and editing lights out and that’s it, i could take that fic apart and rewrite it to be much better but that’s simply not something i’m interested in nor do i want to spend my time on. like i said, i wrote it 4 years ago. it’s no longer my best, it’s kind of incredibly rough around the edges, and could i have done better with crafting the storylines and making things feel a little more natural? yeah, especially now that i’ve worked her into 3+ movie storylines and have had the practice. but that’s beside the point. you’d have to essentially take it as it is and i’d probably disable comments on the first two for my own sake of mind — ao3 gives me a lot of stress and it’s why i don’t like updating on there (oh look, more confessionals!) because i feel an immense load of pressure to impress and write up to a certain bar instead of writing true to my voice. 

please don’t expect any sg fics out of me for awhile. i haven’t talked much about this since the implosion of the fandom, but i’m just not comfortable right now touching any of it with a ten foot pole. like i said, it’s not fun for me, i don’t wanna write it and i’m not about to force myself and be miserable. 

depending on where i get, i have plenty of slexie/japril fic ideas that i’d love to put into use, and we’ll see how things go!

so yeah, basically, what you should take away from this is that i’m putting a fucking finish on stressing myself out so much; i’m going to go back to focusing more on the process instead of the result, and i’m just gonna have fun with shit. i look back on my posts 5 years ago when i was writing thg fanfics and god, while i was a mess, i could tell how much fun i was having in the process and i just wanna get back to that? and that’s what i’m gonna do

i love you guys, i love creating stuff and sharing it with you guys, and i love this blog. xxxx