#meazalykovrecommends

[meazalykov]

everything is lost

aitana bonmati x f!chelsea!spanish!reader

after leaving barcelona, aitana wondered if you were leaving her

warnings: angst, google translated spanish, 4.2k word count

requested? yes

the first leg in barcelona was a war that felt as if you were encircled on all sides.  

you had walked into the tunnel with your head high, ignoring the way your stomach twisted at the thought of playing against aitana, your aitana, the aitana you’ve been dating for three years.

you knew this was coming, but still, it felt foreign, unnatural. 

you had been teammates before, had worn the same red for spain, had shared hotel rooms during international duty.

however, you felt different now. 

aitana was on the other side.

you transferred from barcelona to chelsea last season, something that caused tension between aitana and you. 

the arguments from that eventually subsided, but this match might unscrew that lid again.   

she did not look at you during warmups. did not acknowledge you when you passed her in the tunnel. she spoke to lucy, to keira, to patri, but not to you.  

you thought it was fine, of course she would talk to her own club teammates.

suddenly, you see her talking to lauren, erin, and millie.

your teammates.

maybe you shouldn’t have let it her ignoring you get to you, but it did.  

so when the match began, you played with a feeling you hadn’t felt in months. every duel with aitana felt personal, sometimes you side tackled making sure that you did not injure her– but you wanted her to feel that you weren’t going to take her easy because she is your girlfriend.

when you shoved her off the ball in the 38th minute and sent a long pass to erin, the crowd erupted.  

erin scored.  

chelsea was up 1-0.  

when the whistle blew for full-time, you exhaled, exhausted but victorious. one foot in the final.  

then you saw her.  

aitana was standing there, her hands on her hips, her jaw tight. when you walked past her, she finally spoke.  

"te sentiste bien con eso?" she asked, her voice sharper than usual.  

("did you feel okay about that?")

you turned to her, frowning.

 "¿qué?"  

(what?)

"celebraste como si hubieras ganado el torneo," she said, shaking her head. 

"ni siquiera has llegado a la final."  

("you celebrated as if you had won the tournament," 

"you didn't even make it to the finals.")

"¿en serio?" you scoffed. 

"pensé que sabías lo que es perder, aitana."  

("really?")

("i thought you knew what it was like to lose, aitana.")

the words hit harder than you meant them to.  

the catalan’s eyes darkened, her lips parting like she couldn’t believe you had said that. 

you felt something crack between you.  

she walked away without another word.  

again… since you left barcelona for chelsea, things between you and aitana had been slowly unraveling.  

at first, it was subtle, things you would not have noticed at first. 

fewer texts during the day, delayed responses at night. the good morning messages became inconsistent, and the calls that once stretched for hours dwindled into brief, necessary check-ins. 

she stopped sending you videos of her morning coffee, and you stopped sending her updates about your day. 

maybe neither of you had meant for it to happen, but the distance was already creeping in before you had even realized.  

long distance was not easy for people who did not seem to try. 

then came the international breaks.  

you saw aitana, of course, but it wasn’t the same.  

at barcelona, she had been your constant, the person you warmed up with, the one you sat beside at team meals, the one who instinctively reached for your hand under the table. 

now, during spain camps, there was an invisible line drawn between you. you stayed with alexia, jenni, and misa, falling into your old friendships with ease. aitana stuck close to laia, sharing private conversations you were no longer a part of.  

you noticed how she laughed easily with laia, how their heads tilted close when they whispered to each other. she looked comfortable. at ease.  

not with you.  

with you, there was hesitation, careful distance, like she wasn’t sure how to act around you anymore. maybe you didn’t know how to act around her either. maybe the space between you had stretched too wide, and neither of you had the courage to bridge it.  

the worst part was, no one really questioned it.  

it wasn’t uncommon for teammates to gravitate toward different groups, to spend time with the people they were closest with. for you and aitana? that wasn’t how it used to be. people noticed. 

alexia did. jenni, too. misa had even asked once, "are you and aitana okay?"  

you had shrugged. 

"yeah, why wouldn’t we be?"  

that was a lie.  

every time you sat across from her at dinner and she didn’t meet your eyes, every time you cracked a joke that she didn’t laugh at, every time you passed by each other in the hotel hallways and all you got was a nod—  

you knew you weren’t okay.  

and the worst part?  

you didn’t know if you ever would be again.

the catalan observed you on the pitch during the game, and it was much different than seeing you on screen.

aitana hated seeing you in that blue.  

not the deep, royal blue of barcelona..the blue of london, of chelsea, of a club that was never hers and never would be. she hated how it clashed against her memories of you, how unnatural it looked after years of watching you wear the same colors as her, after years of sharing the same badge. 

she never said it aloud, never admitted how much it burned, but every time she saw you fidget with that chelsea jersey in your soft hands, something inside her twisted.  

you had chosen this. voluntarily. no one forced you out of barcelona. no one pushed you to leave. you just said that you were unhappy and dipped. you had made that decision yourself, and maybe that was what hurt the most.  

the breakdown of your relationship was affecting everyone…whether you wanted to admit it or not.  

especially the spanish girls.  

for years, you and aitana had been the bright, untouchable IT couple. the golden pair of spanish football, of barcelona, of la roja. everyone had seen the way you looked at each other, the way you moved in sync on the pitch, the way aitana’s fingers had always found yours in quiet moments, like it was second nature.  

now?  

now, it was different.  

now, you played in different leagues, wore different colors, fought for different goals. now, instead of love, there was rivalry…an obsession with being better, with proving something, even if neither of you could fully name what that something was.  

the worst part was, you still loved each other.  

you knew it. she knew it.  

however, football had consumed you both.  

aitana had become the best footballer in the world, crowned the ballon d’or winner in 2023 and 2024. you weren’t far behind, breaking into the top five both of those times, proving yourself among the best. 

you should have been celebrating each other, should have been proud, should have been side by side through it all.  

instead, you were enemies.  

or at least, that was what it felt like.  

and neither of you knew how to stop it.

in the second leg of the semifinals.. london was supposed to feel like home.  

as you stood on the pitch, staring ahead at your old team, nostalgia wrapped around you like a phantom touch.  

barcelona was celebrating. aitana was celebrating.  

the catalan team won, 2-1 overall.

you could still hear the echoes of their cheers as you walked toward lauren, wrapping your arms around your exhausted teammate. she let out a breath against your shoulder, hands gripping your back tightly, and for a second, you allowed yourself to sink into the embrace, closing your eyes.  

something clicked inside you.  

what went wrong?  

why were tana and i like this?  

you had left barcelona willingly. you had no regrets about coming to chelsea, about finding something new instead of repetitive. 

that didn’t mean you didn’t miss her.  

suddenly, you wondered…were you two just dragging along an inevitable end to your relationship? or had you just let too much time slip away, avoiding the hard conversations that long distance demanded?  

football was not supposed to be your whole life.  

somehow, it had become exactly that.  

you yearned for aitana. the ache was dull but ever present, sitting in your chest, right next to the love you still had for her.  

she didn’t yearn for you.  

at least, that was what you told yourself when you looked up and saw her laughing, arms wrapped around fridolina, her head thrown back in joy.  

she wasn’t thinking about you.  

she was happy.  

without you.  

you swallowed hard, turning away, willing yourself to push down the lump rising in your throat. you didn’t want to break, not here, not now.  

what you didn’t see was the way aitana’s expression shifted the moment you turned your back.. her smile faltered, then disappeared altogether. aitana’s eyes followed you, watching as you lowered your head, as you tried to disappear into the shadows of your own thoughts.  

she wanted to go to you.  

wanted to comfort you.  

but she didn’t.  

because she thought you would push her away.  

and maybe she would never know that you wouldn’t have.

bilbao, your home, felt warm. not because of the sun, not because of the excitement buzzing in the air for the champions league final. of course it had to be in your hometown, where chelsea could not play. 

anyways, 

despite everything, you were still here, sitting in the stands, supporting aitana, supporting your old club.  

you weren’t alone.  

"you look like you’re about to throw up," jill teased beside you, nudging your arm.  

you rolled your eyes, arms crossed as you kept your gaze fixed on the pitch. 

"i’m fine."  

you were not, something inside of you wondered if you should even be here.

"mhm," she hummed, unconvinced. 

"because ‘fine’ definitely means sitting stiff as a statue in the stands, staring at your girlfriend like you’re in a tragic romance film."  

you turned to glare at her, but jill just grinned.  

jill is supporting her girlfriend, jana, who plays for barcelona. you love jana like she was your little sister, so of course your bond with the dutch woman grew over the last year playing in the WSL together. 

"you can be honest, you know," she continued, leaning back in her seat. 

"long distance is hell. every woman who is dating another in this sport has been through it. doesn’t matter how strong you think you are…it tests you."  

your jaw clenched. 

"it’s not just that."  

"no?" jill’s voice was softer now.  

"it’s like... football became everything," you admitted, keeping your voice low. 

"for both of us. and now, i don’t even know if she sees me the same way anymore. or if she’s just... moved on from us."  

jill didn’t answer right away. instead, she turned her attention back to the pitch.  

"she hasn’t moved on," she finally said. 

"if she had, i do not think that you would be here."  

you exhaled through your nose, unsure how to respond to that.  

then—  

aitana broke the deadlock.  

your heart jumped as the ball hit the back of the net, as the stadium erupted around you.  

she did it.  

for a split second, you forgot about everything else.  

you stood up, clapping, cheering, your eyes locked on her. you could feel the love radiating from you, unfiltered and real, your chest swelling with pride.  

she celebrated with all of her teammates on the pitch.

after…she looked for you.  

you noticed immediately. the way she scanned the crowd after the celebrations, searching, searching…until her eyes found yours.  

love.  

it was there. in her gaze.  

and then you did it, instinctively, without thinking.  

your hands formed a heart.  

aitana’s expression softened, her lips parting slightly before she quickly did the same, her fingers curling into a small heart for you.  

your chest ached.  

"see?" jill’s voice cut in beside you. 

"she still sees you, and loves you."  

you sat down slowly, heart hammering, a light ease washing over you for the first time in months.  

this wasn’t a resolution.  

this was a moment.  

a reminder of what was still there.  

whether or not you and aitana could find your way back to each other…that was still unknown.

after the final whistle, its 2-0. barcelona had done it again. champions of europe. while part of you was proud, happy for your old club, for your friends, for her, another part of you felt misplaced, like you were intruding.  

the celebrations had already begun to die down when you finally made your way onto the pitch.  

you followed jill like a lost puppy, your steps hesitant as your boots pressed into the familiar grass. you shouldn’t feel like a stranger here, but you did.  

jill had no such hesitations. she spotted jana immediately and sprinted toward her, engulfing her in a hug, leaving you to stand awkwardly near the edge of the celebrations.  

you shouldn’t be here.  

the thought wormed its way into your mind, and for a second, you considered slipping away before anyone could notice you.  

then—  

“¡ahí estás!”  

(“there you are!”)

before you could react, a pair of arms wrapped around you, pulling you into a tight hug.  

patri.  

you exhaled, hugging her back as a soft laugh escaped your lips.  

"you knew i’d come," you muttered into her shoulder.  

"of course," she grinned, pulling back slightly, hands still gripping your arms. 

"and i’m glad you did. pero, qué pena," she sighed dramatically, shaking her head. "i still wish you were on the team."  

you giggled, nudging her playfully. 

"i’m still very happy for you guys, regardless."  

"i know," patri said, squeezing your arm once more before glancing over your shoulder. 

"and i think there’s someone else who’s happy you’re here too."  

you followed her gaze, your breath hitching slightly when you saw aitana standing a few feet away.  

she looked frozen in place.  

she had clearly noticed you, had been watching, but she didn’t seem to know what to do.  

luckily, you did.  

without hesitating, you walked toward her, your arms spreading out slightly, offering her the space to meet you halfway.  

and she did.  

aitana;s arms wrapped around you, your own arms tightening around her waist. the moment you sank into her, you felt yourself relax in a way you hadn’t in months. the hug lasted far longer than it probably should have…neither of you willing to let go.  

you swayed side to side slightly, pressing your face into the crook of her neck, inhaling the familiar scent of her scent and shampoo.  

you needed this.  

you needed her.  

she needed you.

she needed this.

rivalry aside, distance aside, confusion aside…this was still the love of your life.  

"i’m happy you’re here," aitana finally murmured, voice quieter than usual.  

you smiled, pulling back just enough to look at her. 

"i’m happy that you won."  

aitana’s lips parted slightly. 

"really?"  

you laughed, shaking your head. 

"of course. i don’t hate you guys, you know."  

aitana let out a small breath, nodding. 

"lo sé, lo sé, no te preocupes."  

(“i know, i know, don't worry.")

something inside you wondered…did she know?  

you stood there for another few moments, wrapped in each other’s warmth, before ingrid called her name, snapping her back to reality.  

"i’ll see you later?" aitana asked, eyes searching yours.  

you hesitated, but nodded. 

"yeah."  

later never came.  

the moment had felt good…right, even…but after the final, things between you and aitana slipped right back into the same cycle.  

the texts remained sporadic, the calls non-existent. when you did text, conversations were short, often left unfinished.  

you told yourself it was just the aftermath of the season, the exhaustion, the obligations, but deep down, you knew better.  

it was affecting you.  

mentally, emotionally…you felt off. distracted during any outings in london, restless at night, constantly unlocking your phone only to lock it again, hoping for a message that never came.  

and aitana?  

she wasn’t doing much better.  

she threw herself into her training, into everything but you. she told herself that it was just easier this way, that if you wanted to talk, you would reach out first.  

but she missed you.  

she missed you in the quiet moments, in the in-betweens, when she grabbed her phone only to realize she had no reason to text you anymore. she missed you when she made her morning coffee and didn’t have anyone to send a picture to. she missed you when she caught herself scrolling through old photos, reading old texts, looking for something that felt like you.

the you before you left barcelona.  

and the spanish girls noticed.  

they weren’t blind. they weren’t stupid.  

they had watched you and aitana go from inseparable to distant. from untouchable to strained.  

and now, with the olympics just a few weeks away, they knew they had to do something.  

"okay, this is ridiculous," alexia sighed, crossing her arms as she sat in the living room of her home with jenni, misa, and salma. 

"we can’t go into the olympics like this."  

"they’re exhausting," misa groaned, tossing her head back against the couch. 

"they’re both miserable, and they’re making the rest of us miserable too."  

salma, who had been quiet up until now, finally spoke up. 

"so what do we do?"  

alexia exchanged a glance with jenni.  

"we fix it," jenni smirked.  

misa frowned. 

"and how exactly do we do that?"  

alexia leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees. 

"simple. we trap them."  

salma raised an eyebrow. 

"trap them?"  

"yes," alexia nodded. 

"they clearly aren’t going to talk on their own. so we make them."  

"we force them into a situation where they have to talk," jenni added, her smirk widening. 

"where they can’t just avoid each other like they’ve been doing for months. they’re acting like children."  

misa’s lips curled into a slow grin. 

"i love this."  

"what’s the plan?" salma asked.  

alexia exhaled. 

"we need them to be alone. somewhere they can’t just walk away."  

"like a room?" misa suggested.  

alexia shook her head. 

"too easy to leave."  

"an empty locker room?"  

"no, that’s too obvious."  

jenni’s eyes suddenly lit up. 

"what if we send them on an ‘errand’? make them think they have to pick something up for the team..except, surprise, they’re actually just stuck together."  

misa laughed. 

"oh, that’s evil. i love it."  

"perfect," alexia smirked. 

"we’ll figure out the details later. but for now, all we have to do is make sure neither of them suspect a thing."  

"so we act normal?" salma asked.  

"exactly," alexia nodded. 

"and then, when the time comes…"  

"we force them to talk," misa finished, her grin mischievous.  

the plan was set.  

and whether you and aitana liked it or not, the reckoning was coming.

four days later… it was misa who got to you first on the first day of national camp.  

“we need a favor,” she said, linking her arm with yours as you walked out of the locker room. 

“lexi and i were supposed to go pick up some stuff for the team, but we’re too tired. can you and aitana do it?”  

you blinked at her. 

“me and aitana?”  

misa smiled innocently, which meant she was up to something. 

“yes, you and aitana. come on, you owe me for all the times i’ve covered for you when you sneak snacks into camp on your period.. even after that son of a bitch said we could not have any.”  

son of a bitch = the old coach. 

“first of all, i did not sneak snacks,” you said, narrowing your eyes.  

misa ignored you. 

“it’ll only take, like, thirty minutes. max.”  

you hesitated, glancing toward the other side of the room where aitana stood, tying the laces of her trainers.  

“does she even want to go with me?” you muttered.  

misa grinned, pushing you forward. 

“she just doesn’t know it yet.”  

ten minutes later..

“okay,” you said, stopping in the middle of the empty hallway. 

“this is a trap.”  

aitana turned to look at you, arms crossed. 

“what?”  

“this,” you gestured around, at the hallway, at the fact that the ‘errand’ misa had sent you on led to a completely locked storage room. 

“this is a setup.”  

aitana frowned, glancing at the door and then back at you. 

“they wouldn’t…”  

you both stared at each other.  

they absolutely would.  

aitana exhaled sharply, running a hand through her hair. 

“unbelievable.”  

“you think they’ll let us out if we start screaming?” you joked, leaning back against the wall.  

aitana sighed, shaking her head. 

“they won’t let us out until we talk.”  

you swallowed. 

“do you want to?”  

silence.  

aitana’s gaze fell to the floor, her arms still crossed over her chest like she was trying to hold something in.  

“do you?” you asked again, softer this time.  

aitana clenched her jaw. 

“i don’t know where to start.”  

you took a deep breath. 

“start with why you’ve been acting like i abandoned you.”  

aitana’s head snapped up. 

“because it felt like you did!” she blurted, her voice raw, full of something broken.  

you inhaled sharply.  

“i didn’t leave you,” you whispered.  

aitana let out a bitter laugh. 

“no? then why does it feel like you did? you left barcelona, you left me, you left everything we had, and you just…acted like it was normal. like it didn’t mean anything.”  

your chest ached. 

“it wasn’t about you, aitana.”  

“then why?” she pressed, stepping closer, her voice trembling. 

“why did you leave?”  

you swallowed hard, your hands clenching at your sides. 

“because i was depressed.”  

aitana’s eyes widened slightly.  

“i wasn’t okay,” you admitted, your voice thick with emotion. 

“i needed a change, a new club, something different. there was no abuse at barcelon, no mistreatment, no one pushed me out so do not worry about that…but i wasn’t happy anymore. i needed to go somewhere else, to breathe, to feel again.”  

aitana stayed silent, her lips parted slightly as if she wasn’t sure what to say.  

“you know i was not getting a lot of starting time. you knew how much the national team things were getting to me. i just needed to get out of spain, okay?”

you exhaled shakily, your voice dropping. 

“and it hurts me that you took it so personally. like i chose to leave you like i wanted to hurt you.”  

aitana’s face softened, her brows furrowing.  

you shook your head, blinking rapidly to push back the tears threatening to fall. 

“i miss you, aitana. i miss us. i miss what we were before all of this.”  

aitana exhaled, stepping closer.  

“so do i,” she admitted, her voice barely above a whisper. 

“i just…I hated seeing you at chelsea. it felt wrong. it felt like you weren’t mine anymore.”  

you let out a watery laugh. 

“i was never not yours.”  

aitana’s lips parted again, her expression pained.  

you wiped your face, your breath uneven.

 “i’m sorry for leaving… but i’m not sorry for choosing chelsea.”  

aitana nodded slowly, processing your words.  

“and if you can’t do long distance anymore, then our three-year relationship can end here,” you said, voice shaking despite the steadiness of your tone.  

aitana’s entire body tensed.  

you swallowed hard, meeting her eyes. 

“but i don’t want it to end, i do not think it needs to end if we can get through this and find resolutions.”  

aitana shook her head, stepping forward abruptly. 

“i don’t either.”  

the words crashed over you like a wave.  

you let out a soft sob, and aitana’s arms were around you before you could think. 

you collapsed into her hold, pressing your face into her shoulder as she held you tighter than she ever had before.  

“i love you,” she whispered into your hair, her voice breaking.  

your fingers curled into the fabric of her hoodie, clutching onto her like she was the only thing keeping you grounded.  

“i love you too,” you breathed.  

you stayed like that for a long time, clinging to each other in the silence, breathing in sync. aitana’s hand ran soothingly up and down your back, her touch grounding, familiar, home.  

after a while, aitana sighed, her chin resting on top of your head. 

“what do we do now?”  

you pulled back just enough to look at her. 

“after the olympics, we take some time. just us. no football, no rivalry. just time to forgive each other, to move past this.”  

aitana nodded, eyes filled with something softer. 

“and we figure out how to make this work. properly.”  

you managed a small smile. 

“yeah.”  

aitana cupped your cheek, her thumb brushing away the stray tear that had fallen. 

“i don’t want to lose you.”  

you leaned into her touch, your eyes fluttering shut. 

“then don’t.”  

aitana pressed a lingering kiss to your forehead before pulling you into her arms again, her body warm and solid against yours.  

this was not a perfect resolution.  

there was still work to do. still things to figure out.  

but for now, this was enough.  

this is love.

masterlist

[meazalykov]

im so freaked out

guilty as charged | a.putellas

— Alexia was the perfect roommate. Well, except for one fatal flaw: she always lost your chargers. Fed up, you searched her room, only to find something you definitely weren’t supposed to see.

Tags: 18+, mdni, roommate!Alexia, dom!Alexia (kinda), strap r!receiving, fingering r!receiving, biting, impliedfuckboy!Alexia, slightly long build up before the smut content, tldr: finding Alexia’s strap and not being able to get it out of your mind, not proofread | wc: 6k+

masterlist | do not repost or plagiarize!

"Alexia!" You shouted at your roommate who was taking too long in the bathroom. "Where's my charger? I thought I told you to buy your own already."

"Espera!" The Catalan called back out to your frustration, still taking her sweet time in the showers.

"Rich as fuck but can't afford to buy her own charger," you muttered under your breath.

Alexia had developed a habit of leaving her chargers in the locker room or lending them out to her teammates, forgetting to get them back. And, instead of buying her own replacement, she had been relying on your generosity and kindness.

At first, you were cool with it. After all, Alexia has always been a generous roommate — buying you new shampoo whenever you were running low, ordering dinner for your weekly movie nights, and always buying wine for you two to share. So, naturally, you had no problem sharing your charger once in a while. You even decided to buy Alexia her own charger — the fancy kind that charged ultra fast. It cost you a bit more than the average phone charger would but you figured it was just your way of saying thanks for her generosity.

She lost that too. Within just a few days.

So, she resorted back to borrowing yours. And while it was just mildly irritating at first, it only got fully annoying when she started walking into your room while you weren't there, taking your charger and even bringing it with her to training. Without even asking. She just assumed you’d be fine with her borrowing it.

It was always a different excuse every time she lost it. 

"Oh sorry, I left it at my locker."

"It's somewhere in the car… I think."

"I think I already returned it."

You tried not to let it get to you, thinking that getting pissed over something so shallow was too petty and childish.  But you needed your iPad to do your work, and for that iPad to function, it needed to be charged… which was impossible to do if Alexia kept treating your chargers like they were disposable. 

"God," you groaned as you stared at the wall clock, feeling antsy about a deadline. "Alexia! Can't you just tell me where it is?"

"Espera! I'm still washing my hair." She said with an annoyed tone which just annoyed you even more. How is she the one getting annoyed? She’s the one who lost it again.

"Fuck it, I'll get it myself." You groaned under your breath before rifling through her stuff with zero patience. “Where the fuck did she put it?”  

Annoyed, you yanked open the drawer built into the side of her bed frame. Unlike the other drawers with things haphazardly thrown in, this one had its contents neatly folded beneath a thin blanket. Without thinking about why the blanket was there in the first place, you pulled it back and froze.  

That’s when you saw it right in front of you: a massive, light pink dildo strapped to a harness Your brain short-circuited. You weren’t exactly prudish or conservative; you had your own vibrator tucked away in your panty drawer. But this? This was… a lot.  

Your eyes darted over the rest of the drawer. Bottles of flavored lube. Handcuffs. A ball gag. A various selection of dildos and vibrators. On top of it rested the huge pink strap-on you first saw, the cherry on top to this kinky mix. Who knew your polite, friendly roommate was this —

“What are you doing?”  

Your soul left your body as soon as you heard Alexia calmly inquire behind you. You spun around, heart hammering. Alexia stood in the doorway, fresh from the shower. She was clad in nothing but a sports bra and a towel slung low on her hips. Her hair was damp from the shower, hanging by the side of her face, dropping beads of water down her wide shoulders and further down her glistening abdomen.

“I—I was looking for my charger,” you stammered nervously, standing up from your crouched-over position. You straightened yourself, wiping the beads of sweat on your forehead and straightening your shirt. “I couldn’t find it and I’ve got a deadline today and... and you know how much I need it.”

You stumbled upon your words, causing Alexia to raise an eyebrow in amusement. You cleared your throat, trying to seem unbothered by what you just saw. “This is just like… the sixth or seventh charger that you haven’t returned.” You said, trying to steady your voice.

Alexia’s lips curled into a knowing smirk as her gaze flicked to the cabinet you’d so carelessly left open. She didn’t look embarrassed or pissed. Not even remotely phased. Just… amused. “Right,” she said, crossing her arms. “It’s literally right there.”  

She nodded toward the direction of the chair in front of her work desk placed at the corner of the room. Sitting on top of her iPad, plain as day, was your charger.  Heat rushed to your face. How had you missed something so obvious? You could have just swept the room first. Instead, you’d snooped immediately through her drawer and discovered she was some kind of sexual deviant. 

“Oh,” you squeaked.  Without another word, you lunged for the charger, swiftly grabbing it. You gave a tight-lipped smile to Alexia before holding it up just to show her you got it.  It took everything in you to only look at your roommate from the head up, not allowing your gaze to lower down to her bare torso. You were never flustered like this around Alexia. She was often sauntering around the house in just a sports bra and workout shorts; it never bothered you… until now. “I guess I just missed it.”

You spun on your heel and bolted for your room, shutting the door behind you. Pressing your back against it, you exhaled a breath you hadn’t realized you were holding.  “What the fuck did I just see?”  

Alexia found it cute how flustered you acted after the incident.

She had always been careful about her intimate life. When living with roommates, she never brought girls home, never let her personal indulgences spill beyond the walls of her bedroom. It was a part of her life she preferred to keep discreet and private. Though, at times, it wasn’t easy.

She briefly recalled the short period when she roomed with Marta during the pre-CGH days, when her co-captain was still single. Keeping that side of herself hidden had been a challenge, especially when they were sleeping just a few feet apart, separated by non-soundproof walls. Bringing girls home had become a strategic endeavor, timed around Marta’s schedule, because Alexia was very aware that her extracurricular activities weren’t exactly… quiet.

After years of having roommates, Alexia thought maybe it was time she stopped sharing her space. She was earning enough to live alone, and most of her teammates no longer needed to split rent either. It had seemed like a natural step forward.

Then you came along.

You were the team’s new graphic designer, originally working for the men’s team until the club restructured and brought in a new agency to replace your old role. That shift had introduced you to the women’s squad, and Alexia had taken an interest in your work almost immediately. At first, you chalked up her attentiveness to her captain’s duties; it was something you presumed was to be expected of Alexia. 

But then she did something you never saw coming.  

When the team heard you might have to quit — your apartment was full of black mold, and finding an affordable place nearby on short notice was impossible — Alexia made you an unexpected offer. She had a spacious place with two bedrooms and didn’t mind charging you below market value, making it the perfect solution.

You had understood what a big gesture that was for her. What you hadn’t known was just how much she had given up by letting you move in.

Her newfound freedom was gone. She could no longer bring girls home on a whim, given your unpredictable work modality schedule. Late-night hookups were practically impossible when you were always up until ungodly hours, hunched over your iPad in the living room, working on some random side gig. 

Alexia knew that you two were old enough to understand that sex was a part of life and that bringing home girls shouldn’t be a thing to be ashamed of. But she knew that her situation was different. It wasn’t that simple

Still, she didn’t mind. She liked having you around far more than she missed fucking around.

Though you having found her stash did have her thinking that probably she treated it far more taboo than what it was. So what if she liked loud, unrestrained sex that could last for hours? It wasn’t like it happened every night. And surely, you had a few toys of your own tucked away in your room.

Maybe this could be an opportunity — a way for you to start accepting that your roommate simply… enjoyed being active.

So, she tried opening up the subject. While you two were cooking your respective dinners, Alexia tried casually asking you if you remembered what you had seen in her cabinet. You were so startled you nearly cut your finger instead of a potato.

While you two were on the drive back from work, Alexia tried to engage you in a conversation about sex but you pretended to have a bad stomach, making fake groaning sounds to pretend you couldn’t hear what you were saying.

Honestly, Alexia should have been frustrated by your immaturity, by your outright refusal to discuss something so simple like an adult. But she couldn't fully get annoyed with you ever... and it was because of the massive crush she had on you.

Alexia always found you cute. She liked your quirky mannerisms and the way you made her laugh even if you didn’t intend to. She liked your work ethic; she always valued people who took their job seriously. It didn’t help that you were always walking around the house in very tiny shorts with silly cartoon designs that always caught her eye. 

Her attraction to you had only grown the closer you became. You were naturally affectionate with her, always touching her in small ways — a hand on her arm, leaning against her shoulder, sitting on her lap whenever the squad was around and there weren’t any seats. You never seemed to mind being touchy with her.

A part of her knew that maybe she didn’t mind not bringing girls home because… well, she had you. Your company and presence meant more to her than casual sex ever could. That didn’t mean, of course, that she wouldn’t have you if you let her.

There were nights when she had to physically stop herself from suggesting a friends-with-benefits arrangement. She valued your friendship too much to risk it over something so fleeting; she wasn’t about to fumble a great friendship just because she couldn’t keep her hands to herself. Besides, after seeing how you squirmed at the mere mention of sex, she knew you'd never go for something like that.

…Or would you?

You were hunched over your iPad, rushing to finalize a mock-up for new merch designs. The design head thought that since you managed social media, you might as well help out with merch design too. It made no sense to you but she had drilled into you that it was crucial you got it done by today. You wouldn't have been so annoyed by a task outside your job description, if only the assignment wasn't given a day before the deadline.

Hence, why you were stressed-out and aggressively illustrative design mock-ups on your iPad. It was already midnight and you were expected to report to work at 9 in the morning. It was just too little time.

And then, just as you were adding the final details, your iPad screen went black. The device shut off.  When you tried pressing the power button, hoping it was just an accidental press that put the device to sleep, it displayed the dreaded low battery logo. 

“Fuck!” you cursed, slamming your Apple Pencil onto the desk. You let a frustrated groan rip through your chest. You knew the battery had been low, but you had been so deep in the work that you ignored all the low battery notifications. 

Great, now the momentum is gone, you thought. 

Fine, whatever, you said to yourself. You just needed your charger. You pushed back from your desk and marched to your room, heading straight for the spot where you knew you had left it, which was right on top of your makeup bag.  

Except… it wasn’t there.  

Frowning, you checked your drawers. Nothing. Your bag? Not there. You even looked under your bed, as if it had somehow magically fallen and rolled into hiding.  And then it hit you. Alexia had borrowed it again earlier this morning with the promise that she'd return it instantly.

You grew frustrated. In the past days, you haven’t really been angry or emotional around Alexia and it was mostly because you felt awkward about the drawer incident. But now, all you could think of was how fucking annoying it was that this happened again. 

She knew how important your charger was, how often you needed it for work. And yet, she had forgotten to return it again on deadline night of all nights. Adrenaline pumping, you stormed toward her room, fists clenched. Without hesitation, you pushed the door open.  

“Alexia, where the hell—”  

Your words caught in your throat.  

Alexia stood in the middle of her room, dressed in nothing but a sports bra and a pair of loose shorts that showed off the top of her Calvin Klein underwear, mid-stretch, her toned stomach and arms on full display.  

You blinked, caught completely off guard.  

For a moment, you forgot why you were even there. Then, you shook your head, snapping yourself out of it. “Alexia, give me back my charger.”  

She didn’t even flinch at your tone. Instead, she raised an eyebrow, a smirk growing on her face. “Oh? Someone seems mad.”  

You groaned. "I'm not just mad, okay?" You corrected. "I'm fucking stressed. I have a deadline for a task that isn't even part of my job's jurisdiction and I've been working all night on Blender and Procreate and —"

You paused to take a breath. "I just had enough, okay?" You said more calmly. “I just need to finish this right now but I can't cause you took—"

Alexia tilted her head. “I took your charger?”  

“Yes?" You said incredulously. 

Her brow lifted slightly. “I returned it earlier today.”  She said. "Remember? At breakfast? I even fixed you a bowl of chocolate oatmeal as a thank you?"

You frowned, momentarily thrown off. “What?”  

“I borrowed it this morning, but I gave it back before you left to work at that café.”  

And just like that, it clicked.  

Fuck. 

You probably didn't notice Alexia returning it cause you were too busy working. Suddenly, you remember you had taken it with you. You had plugged it in at the café, worked there for hours, and then… left without it.  

Your anger deflated instantly, replaced by embarrassment. You opened your mouth, then closed it again, feeling your face heat up.  

“Oh.”  

Alexia let the silence stretch just long enough to watch you squirm, then let out a soft chuckle. “I’ll let that one slide.”  

You sighed, rubbing your face. “Sorry, Alexia. I’m just—”  

“Stressed,” she finished for you. Then, her voice softened. “Cariño, don’t be. I’ll talk to your boss tomorrow and make sure you get another day. I’ll just put the blame on me.”

She smiled, stepping forward. "They can't say no to me."

Before you could react, Alexia stepped forward and wrapped her arms around you, pulling you closer to her by the waist, offering a small hug to comfort you. You exhaled, tension still buzzing in your body.  

“Okay,” you mumbled, leaning into her. “I'm sorry for storming all mad and accusatory like that.”  

“I know,” she murmured. “Why don’t I give you a back rub?”  

You hesitated, but your muscles did ache from hours of work, hunched over a table and stressed beyond belief. Your shoulders were practically begging to be rubbed. “…Fine.”  

Alexia guided you toward the bed, settling herself against the headboard while she sat you in between her legs with your back resting against her. The second her hands found your shoulders, thumbs pressing firmly into the knots of tension, you exhaled a slow breath.  

“Oh,” you muttered, eyes fluttering shut. “Alexia, yeah, that feels good.”  

She hummed in response, continuing to knead the stiffness from your shoulders. Her hands were firm yet gentle, and before you knew it, your body melted into her touch.  She rubbed into your shoulders at the perfect firmness, finding where the knots were on your upper back and shoulders before massaging them away. 

“Mmm,” you murmured. "Fuck, that's so good."

Alexia’s hands moved lower, moving from your upper back and shoulders area to something more in the middle of your back. Alexia's hands kneaded the tension from your back, her fingers expertly working under the shoulder blades. You let out a slow exhale, sinking into the warmth of her body behind you.  

“Let’s take off your cardigan,” she murmured, her voice smooth, low. “It's getting in the way.”  

You nodded absentmindedly, already half-lost in the sensation of her touch. You were practically floating in the sensation, only to be snapped out by the sensation of her arms grazing your chest as she unbuttoned your cardigan. You bit your lip as her fingertips grazed against your nipples as she helped you shrug off the cardigan. The contact was fleeting— perhaps, accidental — but it was enough to send a sharp jolt through you. 

Your breath hitched, and you hummed, trying to brush off the growing heat in your core. 

Alexia continued the massage, but this time, as one hand stayed firm on your shoulder, the other drifted lower, her fingers ghosting over your left nipple through the thin fabric of your shirt. The touch was light, almost imperceptible, but your body reacted instantly. You jumped slightly at the sensation.

Alexia leaned in, her lips grazing your ear. “Relax,” she whispered in a low voice, her breath warm against your skin. "This is gonna help you release all tension. Trust me."

You hesitated, pulse quickening, but you didn’t stop her. You let yourself sink back against her, allowing it to happen. Her touch grew bolder. Soon, both hands were on your chest, the pads of her fingertips rubbing slow, teasing circles over your hardened nipples, the friction from the fabric of your shirt only heightening the sensation. A quiet moan slipped past your lips before you could stop it.  

Alexia smirked at your reaction. "Yeah, just relax and let go." She cooed in an innocent tone as if she was still massaging your back. Now, Alexia's fingers moved deliberately, alternating between rolling your nipples between her fingertips and slightly pinching at them, coaxing more breathy sounds from you. Your head soon rested back against her shoulder, and she took the opportunity to press a slow, lingering kiss to the side of your neck.  

A soft hum vibrated against your skin. “That feels good, doesn’t it?”  

You swallowed hard, your body answering for you as you let out another shaky moan. Alexia's mouth was on you again, gently kissing and nipping at the delicate skin of your neck as you felt her hands slowly move under your shirt. 

You whimpered her name as you felt her fingers against your bare skin, running against them. Alexia smirked at the way you were reacting and quickly agreed to letting her touch you like this.

Before you could even realize, Alexia was reaching under a nearby pillow. Under it, she had a toy she left from her own masturbation session last night. If your eyes were opened, you would have probably chickened out at the sight of the neon pink massage wand but you were too busy enjoying Alexia's playful, little massages. 

Soon, Alexia had slotted in the head of the toy in between your legs, pressed against your soaked pajama shorts. She clicked the on button and you practically moaned out instantly. Your eyes opened but before you could say anything in protest, Alexia shushed you. "It's just a massage wand. It'll help you loosen up."

You were a smart girl. You knew what Alexia was doing and normally, you would have called her out but tonight… Tonight, you were exhausted. You were tense. And with the way her hands had been working over your body, the way the vibrations of the wand had begun to hum softly against your core, the fact that you've spent the past few days fantasizing about what it would be like to experience the Alexia Putellas…

You found no reason to stop her.

“…Okay.”

Your voice was soft, almost breathy, and it sent a visible shiver through Alexia. She loved hearing you like this: so obedient and pliant, so willing, so cute when you agreed to let her touch you.

She pressed a slow, lingering kiss just below your ear before murmuring, “Now, be a good girl and take off your bottoms for me, okay?”

You didn't hesitate, swiftly lifting your hips to push your bottoms off of you, kicking them off with your legs. Alexia put a hand firmly under your left thigh, pulling you closer to her. With her right hand, she put the toy back against your core, sending a wave of vibrations that had your legs trembling.

Alexia's left hand was back in your left breast, pinching at them to elicit tiny and cute moans that she loved so much. You unconsciously rocked your hips against the toy, seeking to chase out the pleasure, praying Alexia would turn up the speed so you could arrive at your orgasm sooner.

As you whimpered, gripping the sheets beneath you, Alexia carefully removed the toy from between you. “W-what?” you stammered, your mind foggy from the pleasure coursing through your body.

Alexia’s hand on your waist tightened slightly. “Last night… when you fell asleep on the couch…" she paused, teasingly. "You were whimpering.”

Your eyes snapped open, embarrassment crashing over you like cold water.

Shit. You had dreamed about her again.

Before you could even attempt to defend yourself, Alexia chuckled, her breath warm against your skin. “That’s not even the best part.” She leaned in, pressing a slow, lingering kiss just beneath your jaw. “You dropped your phone on the floor — probably right before you dozed off." She murmured. “So, naturally… I picked it up.”

Your stomach twisted in mortification, and you didn’t even have to ask to know where this was going. Alexia hummed, clearly enjoying your reaction. “Imagine my surprise when I saw what you were searching for.” Another soft kiss, this time against your shoulder. “How to ride a strap.”

A whimper escaped your throat as she increased the speed suddenly. At this point, your legs were shaking.

Alexia let out a quiet laugh. “I thought it was cute.” Her fingers were now teasing circles against your inner thigh, making you twitch. “And I know you’ve been stressed. High-strung. So instead of just teasing you…”

She suddenly pressed the vibrator against you again with more pressure, turning up the speed without warning. A loud, broken moan spilt from your lips as pleasure began to build inside you. Your head tilted back, resting your weight onto the Catalan, body arching into the sensation as Alexia guided the toy against you.

“There you go,” she murmured, watching in amusement as you squirmed, your thighs trembling against hers. She subconsciously licked her lips as she saw your wetness completely cover your core and inner thighs. “You’re making such a mess, cariño.”

You barely heard her, too lost in the overwhelming pleasure. It was too much, too good. It felt like at any moment, you were going to explode with pleasure. 

And then, just as you were about to orgasm, Alexia pulled the wand away again.

Your eyes flew open, a frustrated whine escaping your lips. “Alexia, what the fuck.”

“Shh,” she interrupted smoothly, putting aside the toy. “We’re just getting started.”

The next moments went by so quickly that you could not process how you managed to end up completely naked on top of Alexia who was now wearing the pink strap you saw from the other day around her waist, on top of her Calvin Klein underwear. You bit your lip as you straddled her upper thighs. It seemed like you were gaining consciousness now as you stared at the silicone member. It was long and girthy, shining slightly with the lube Alexia poured on it.

Alexia’s hands traced lazily on your legs and thighs. “Come on, show me what google told you to do,” she teased.

You bit your lip as you stared at the obscene size of the silicone, hesitating. “Alexia, I don’t think…”

Alexia sat up, grabbing your waist as she pressed a kiss on your mouth. “Shh, of course you can,” she reassured in between kisses. Her mouth felt so soft and warm against yours. The sensation of her mouth on yours was hypnotizing you again, making you feel soft and needy. It’s like her lips make me dumber, you thought to yourself.

Alexia shifted the position so you’d be laying on your back and she’d be slotted in between your spread legs, she continued to kiss you, knowing it was what you needed to not feel intimidated and hesitant. Soon, you could feel her hands stroke your inner thighs. “Why don’t I help you out,” she whispered. “Just so you wouldn’t be so shy, hmm?”

You nodded, obedient and docile under your roommate. Alexia locked eyes with you, breaking the kiss. A sigh escaped your lips as her warm hazel eyes met yours. It felt like you could melt into those beautiful, honey-colored pools.

You were so captivated by Alexia’s eyes that you didn’t notice that she had two fingers playing around your entrance, desperate to enter you.

You opened your mouth and let out a gasp as soon as two of her fingers thrust into you, deliberately with a careful firmness to them. Alexia smiled, eyes still fixed on yours, as she carefully curled them into you. The Catalan practically moaned at the feeling of you tightly clenched around her long and thick fingers.

“Fuck,” your voice came out softly as you felt yourself clench around her, soaking her fingers with your slick arousal. “I want more… please.”

That was all Alexia needed to hear. It was enough to send her over the edge. She started thrusting in and out of you with a faster, harder pace to it. You moaned out loud as you felt her fingers slam into you, curling every time into your sweet spot, causing you to arch your hips and grip onto her shoulders.

“Just like that,” Alexia muttered against your ear, her breath hot and uneven. “Let me hear you, cariño.”

Any sort of restraint you had left was gone. Your moans spilled freely as her fingers drove into you mercilessly, stretching you open, coaxing you toward the edge. You felt delirious, drowning in sensation, the heat between your legs unbearable.

Alexia couldn’t count the number of times she had touched herself to the thought of you like this — writhing, moaning, begging for her. But even her filthiest fantasies paled in comparison to the reality of you falling apart in her hands. You were so much more unbelievably stunning, intoxicating, and wrecked beneath her. No girl she's ever fucked before has gotten her this worked up. It was taking everything in her not to ruin you completely. She didn't want your first time to be too intense.

Her fingers worked you open with ease, curling inside you as her mouth traced a path of heat across your skin. She kissed and sucked at your neck, her tongue dragging along your collarbones before moving up to your jaw, nipping just enough to make you whimper.

But her favourite spot was the crook of your neck, right above your right collarbone, where she latched on and sucked hard, marking you. The second she did, you dug your nails into her back, moaning her name so loudly she knew the whole floor would hear but you were completely fucked out of your brains to even care.

You could feel Alexia’s smirk against your skin as she heard you moan out loud. She positioned her hand differently now so not only was she thrusting into you with two fingers, she was also rubbing your clit with her thumb. It was driving you insane.

Your thighs instinctively clenched around her hand, trying to slow her down as the pleasure was getting intense and you were growing sensitive. But Alexia wouldn’t let you control the pace or her movement. She pinned your hips down, forcing you to take everything exactly how she wanted.

“Take it,” she gritted, lips brushing against your ear. “If you try to press your legs together again. I swear to god I’ll stop right now.”

You acquiesced, trying to not fight the urge to clamp around her, desperate to get that orgasm. Alexia smiled as she pumped her fingers faster, readjusting her position and pressing her palm flush against your clit. Each thrust of her hand sent waves of pleasure crashing all throughout your body. The knot in your stomach coiled tighter, unbearable now, your entire body tensing.

Your roommate knew you were close, judging by your stuttered breathing and the way you were clenching tightly around her, but she knew she couldn’t let you cum yet. Not while she’s had the pleasure of letting you live out your fantasy.

Alexia pulled her fingers out of you, leaving you throbbing and empty and before you could even think to complain, she hooked her arms around your back and lifted you effortlessly. A small gasp escaped your lips as she shifted you back onto her lap, holding you steady against her hips, exactly where she wanted you.

“Ride me,” she said, her voice low and commanding. Her hands settled on your hips, thumbs pressing into your skin, grounding you. “Show me what you want to do to me.”

With your desperation to cum, there was no hesitation left in you. You nodded eagerly, obediently, as you squatted above the strap, your thighs trembling with anticipation. You hovered just above it, adjusting your position, but even as you took control of the movement, Alexia never relinquished her dominance. Her fingers tightened around you, her presence overpowering, making it clear that even though you were on top, she was still in charge.

You bit your lip, carefully making sure that you were lined up, but Alexia was growing impatient. With a strong grip, she held you steady and thrust upward, burying herself inside you with one smooth motion. The sudden intrusion knocked the breath from your lungs, your balance wavering as you instinctively grabbed onto the headboard for support. The head of the dildo pressed deep, almost kissing your cervix, causing you to curse and shut your eyes at the sensation.

You took a deep breath before lifting yourself slowly, feeling every inch of her slide against your walls, then sinking back down, your movements cautious at first.

Alexia watched you, her eyes dark and hooded, her grip possessive as she guided your pace. But it wasn’t long before her restraint wavered. As soon as she saw you settle into a rhythm, she met you halfway, thrusting up in perfect sync, pushing deeper, filling you more completely.

Your moans spilled freely from your lips as your body surrendered to her, the stretch overwhelming but intoxicating. “Fuck,” you gasped between gritted teeth, your nails digging into her skin as you kept balance. “You’re so big.”

Alexia smirked, dragging her hands up your sides before pulling you down harder onto her length. “Yeah?” she taunted, her voice thick with amusement and desire. “Too big for you?”

You could only nod, barely able to think, barely able to breathe, as she took back every ounce of control you thought you had. “Yeah, but it feels so good.” You said breathily. Even if you were already getting a bit winded, you knew you couldn’t stop now. Not while your orgasm was slowly building up inside you again.

Alexia moved one of her hands from your waist up to your breast, squeezing your plump breast firmly. She squeezed again at the sensitive bud of your nipple causing you to moan out again. She moved her hands back to settle behind you before she quickly sat up so that she could suck on your breasts while you continued to ride her.

The shift in her position caused the silicone member to curve into you, now pressing and grazing your sensitive spot with every bounce and thrust. Paired with the sensation of Alexia’s tongue skillfully playing and flicking against your nipples, it was surely sending you closer and closer over the edge.

You moved your hands to Alexia’s shoulders, giving you better mobility to ride her, breasts practically bouncing in front of Alexia’s face. She chuckled, sensing your desperation. She sat back up again, holding you upwards to keep your balance.

“Fuck, Ale,” you said, voice whimpery and erotic. You sounded almost obscene. “I’m so fucking close.”

Alexia moaned at the sound of your broken plea, her own arousal spiking as she felt the way you moved against her, grinding down harder, chasing your release with reckless abandon. “I know, baby,” she husked, her voice thick, hands tightening on your hips. “Just a bit more. Be good for me.”

You obeyed, but it was barely conscious — your body was on autopilot, instinct taking over as you rode her with increasing urgency. You felt yourself clench around her, your hips stuttering as the orgasm was slowly building up, causing you to clench. Thankfully, Alexia never loosened her grip. Even as your strength wavered, she held you firm, guiding you through it, her own body rising to meet yours. The shift in control was subtle but absolute; your arms wrapped around her tightly, your forehead pressing against her shoulder as you let her take the lead, her strong hands dictating your pace, her hips rolling upward, filling you over and over until you were unravelling completely in her hold.

Your moans grew louder, almost obscene and pornographic, echoing off the walls in a way that made Alexia smirk. If you kept this up, you’d both be getting a formal complaint from the condo association by morning. Alexia shushed you. “Cariño, I know it feels good but you need to quiet down.”

“Can’t–” you muster to say out, still moaning. Alexia groaned, torn between wanting to hear every filthy sound you made and knowing she had to shut you up before the neighbors got an earful. Thankfully, she got an idea.

“Baby,” she murmured between gritted teeth, punctuating her words with a sharp thrust that made you jolt. “Why don’t you bite my shoulder?”

You shivered at the suggestion, barely processing her words but nodding anyway, too far gone to argue.

“So no one gets mad at you for being such a good girl and riding me, yeah?”

That was all it took. You latched onto her shoulder, hesitant at first, lips parting against her sweat-slicked skin. But then she snapped her hips up harder, gripping your waist and bouncing you with ease, using her strength to fuck you onto her strap. The sudden onslaught made you lose control. Your teeth sank into her skin, muffling your moans into the muscle of her shoulder.

Alexia groaned out but the sting of your teeth pressing against her skin didn’t stop her or slowed down her pace. The pain felt like a motivation to get you where you needed to be. It didn’t take long. Alexia could feel by your shaking legs and the tightness of your grasp and the breathy moans you were exhaling into her skin.

“Come on, baby,” she rasped, voice strained as she pushed you closer and closer to the edge. “Give it to me.”

With only a couple more deliberate thrusts that pressed against your sensitive spot, you came undone, practically melting into Alexia’s arms.

It was a great idea for you to be biting against her or else your moan would have been heard throughout the whole building. Alexia held you through it, her hands steady, her grip firm, prolonging your pleasure as she slowed her thrusts, letting you ride it out. When your body finally sagged against her, she stopped the slow thrusting and wrapped her hands around you to form a hug, rubbing your back as she allowed you to breathe heavily against her skin.

You unlatched your mouth, a string of saliva forming from her shoulder to your mouth. You wiped at it sluggishly, still breathless, still full of her as she had not pulled out of you. Your forehead pressed against hers, the intimacy of the moment settling between you both.

“I forgive you,” you murmured, your voice hoarse, breath still uneven.

Alexia blinked, still coming down from the high. “Huh?”

“For stealing my charger.”

There was a beat of silence before Alexia burst into laughter, her breath mingling with yours as she shook her head. “You’re unbelievable.”

You hushed her, planting your lips on hers. "You still gotta make up for the seven or eight more you lost." You teased.

"I'll make it up a hundred times over if I have to." Alexia responded, a smirk toying on her face. "Just make sure you can take it."

It was gonna be a long night.

a/n: i feel like this is identical to all the other strap fics i've written but idgaf at least im writing again!!! anyway, still working on the longer fic and working on other ideas for shorter Alexia fics. i hope you guys still liked this AAAAAAA pls be nice

masterlist

[meazalykov]

every win is not sweet

alexia putellas x realmadrid!reader

you’re still trying to catch your breath as the final whistle blows, the sound of it almost drowned out by the eruption of cheers around the away catalan stadium. bodies are collapsing onto the pitch, teammates rushing toward you with arms wide open. 

your chest heaves, the pounding of your heart matching the excitment of the away crowd that surprisingly had a good turnout. the scoreboard blares its unforgiving truth. real madrid 3, barcelona 1.

the player of the match does to caroline but it’s your name that echoes through the stadium. it was your goal in the 90+6 minute that basically told barcelona that they were not coming back from this match. this time, they fell and you were the one to do it.

your teammates engulf you, the weight of their bodies crashing into yours. laughter, cheers, even a few tears. you can barely stand. someone ruffles your hair, another smacks your back but through it all your eyes instinctively search the pitch. 

those eyes of yours past the celebrating white shirts, past the madridistas jumping in the stands. your gaze finally lands on her. alexia.

she’s still near the barcelona bench, hands on her hips, her head tilted down. that dark blonde  of hers is damp with sweat, strands clinging to her face. the captain’s armband is loose around her bicep. for a moment, she doesn’t move. then, without meeting your gaze, she turns away.

by the time the post-match formalities are over, the adrenaline has worn off. your body aches. the press interviews are a blur….you manage the usual lines, nothing too biting, nothing too cocky. 

the club media officer is relieved. they didn’t want anything inflammatory from you, not after a victory like this but your mind’s not there. it’s with alexia who does take losses like this very seriously.

later you’re barely through the front door of your apartment when you hear the distinct sound of keys jangling. you shut the door quietly, kicking off your shoes. the lights are dim, the city skyline glowing faintly through the wide windows. the hum of barcelona traffic filters in.

"alexia?"

the sound of her footsteps emerges from the kitchen. she doesn’t answer at first. instead, she stands with her back to you, the fridge door open as she retrieves a bottle of water. the tension is palpable, hanging heavy in the air. you swallow hard.

"baby?" you try again, softer this time.

she finally turns, her jaw tight. those usually warm brown eyes are distant now and you know. you know before she even says a word.

"you didn't have to celebrate like that."

the words are clipped, low. they hang between you, and you can't hide the flicker of surprise that flashes across your face.

"what?"

alexia steps closer, the water bottle gripped tightly in her hand, "the way you showed off to our crowd, y/n… you wanted to rub it into our fans faces."

"are you serious?" you ask, your voice cracking slightly, "that was our first win over you ever and i scored in stoppage time. what did you expect me to do? stand there?"

she doesn’t respond immediately. her jaw clenches, her eyes narrowing.

"i get it," she finally says, "it was a big moment for madrid  but you know what it was for us? our first loss to you. do you know how that feels?"

"of course i do," you snap, frustration bubbling to the surface. "every clasico we’ve played, we’ve been humiliated. every time, you walk off the pitch victorious, and i’m left wondering if we’ll ever catch up and today, we did. i’m sorry that hurts you, but it meant everything to my teammates.” 

alexia shakes her head, her lips pressing into a thin line, "this isn’t just about the game. it’s about how you celebrated. you could’ve… i don’t know, shown some respect."

"respect?" your voice rises, incredulous, "you think i disrespected you? alexia, i never played for barcelona therefore i don’t have any loyalty to give to that club… only just to you. i would never disrespect you but i’m allowed to be happy. i’m allowed to celebrate."

she’s silent again, and it’s unbearable. the walls of the apartment seem smaller, suffocating. your breaths are shallow, your pulse quickening.

"maybe you don’t understand because you’re always winning," you murmur, the bitterness slipping through despite your best efforts.

alexia’s eyes flash, and it stings. you’ve never fought like this before. not like this.

"so now i’m the villain for being successful? is that it?" she retorts, her voice sharp.

"that’s not what i said."

"but it’s what you meant."

the weight of the argument crashes over both of you. you see the flicker of hurt in her eyes, the way her shoulders tense. she’s always been passionate, fiery. you love that about her but right now, it’s a wall you can’t get through.

"alexia," you whisper, your voice cracking, "this doesn’t have to be like this. we’re on different teams, yeah, but we’re not against each other…. not really."

she exhales slowly, her gaze dropping to the floor. the tension lingers, but so does something else. something fragile.

"i know," she murmurs, "i just… it’s hard."

at first, it seemed like the tension from that argument had started to dissolve. she had mumbled something about how you played well, and you thanked her, adding that she had too. the words were stiff, like neither of you wanted to bring up what had happened but of course, it didn’t take long before it resurfaced.

"i'm just saying," alexia spoke, her voice laced with frustration, "if jana’s goal wasn’t called offside, the entire game would have been different."

you blinked, confused… "what? but it was offside, alexia."

she scoffed, shaking her head, "barely. it was so tight and those kinds of calls... sometimes they go the other way. we should’ve had that goal."

"but you didn’t." your voice came out sharper than you intended, "because it was offside. that’s how the game works… offside goals do not count."

"so you think that call was perfect? flawless?" her brows furrowed, her jaw tight.

you exhaled, trying to steady yourself, "i think the refs checked it and confirmed it. what else do you want, ale? they didn’t just pull that decision out of thin air.”

"right, because officiating has never been questionable," she shot back, sarcasm dripping from every word.

your patience thinned. she wasn't just upset, alexia was convincing herself of something that wasn’t true. you understood how painful a loss like this was. barcelona’s dominance over madrid had been undeniable, and now that streak was broken. the denial? that was something else.

"are you seriously going to keep this up?" you snapped, your voice rising, "are you really going to sit here and act like jana's goal wasn’t offside just to cope with losing? is that how you’re all dealing with it?"

alexia’s mouth parted slightly, as if the words stung. she held your gaze, the warmth in her brown eyes quickly replaced by something colder. 

"whatever," she muttered, pushing herself off the couch, "congratulations on your win, y/n." 

the way she said it, bitter and dismissive, made your stomach twist. you shook your head as she walked away, disappearing down the hall. 

"unbelievable," you mumbled under your breath, the weight of the night pressing down on you.

all of those hours passed, the air in the apartment thick with unresolved tension. you spent most of the evening scrolling mindlessly through your phone, trying to push down the guilt simmering inside you. 

the truth was, you didn’t like how you handled it. you had every right to stand by the victory, but snapping at alexia like that? that wasn’t fair. she had poured her heart into that match just as much as you had.

when you heard the soft creak of the bedroom door, your eyes flicked up. alexia stood there, her shoulders slightly hunched, her expression unreadable. 

"hey," you said quietly, setting your phone aside.

"hey," she echoed, her voice soft. there was a hesitance in her step as she approached you.

"look," you sighed, rubbing the back of your neck, "i shouldn’t have said that. i was frustrated at your reaction, but that doesn’t mean i should’ve approached it in that manner."

she nodded slowly, "and i shouldn't have... i shouldn’t have made excuses. it wasn’t fair to you. i’m sorry."

the weight of it all lifted slightly. you reached out, gently taking her hand in yours. her fingers curled around yours, that familiar warmth grounding you. 

"i get why you were upset," you murmured, "i would be too. it wasn’t just any game."

alexia’s lips twitched upward in the faintest smile, though her eyes still held a tinge of sadness. 

"it was a big one."

"yeah," you whispered, pulling her closer. your arms wrapped around her waist, and she melted into your embrace, "but i’m glad we’re okay… right?"

she nodded against your shoulder, her breath steady, "we are."

you pulled back just enough to press a soft kiss to her lips. alexia’s hands rested against your back, holding you firmly. the kiss was slow, unhurried.

when you pulled away, you smirked playfully, deciding to lighten the mood, "good luck against wolfsburg this weekend," you whispered, the words brushing against her ear.

alexia scoffed, though the smile tugging at her lips betrayed her amusement. 

"thanks," she replied, "you too, but against arsenal."

masterlist

authors note: I hate madrid so it was very hard to write this one without being snarky LMAO

[meazalykov]

used and discarded

barcelona femeni x f!reader with features of romantic!esmee brugts x f!reader, platonic!alexia putellas x f!reader, and platonic!kika nazareth x f!reader.

warnings: abandonment, r being used, alcohol/getting drunk, r being put in a dangerous situation, angst but comforting

there was loud music, crowded spaces, or overpriced drinks in the city center of barcelona. 

one thing about you, you were never one to turn down a night out, not because you particularly enjoyed it but because you loved spending time with people. 

at least, that’s what you thought.  

your college friends had invited you out, something they didn’t do often, at least not unless they needed something from you. you didn’t think like that though. you just figured they were busy, and when they did ask you to come out, you were happy to say yes.  

so, here you were, sitting at a bar in the center of barcelona, your friends all huddled around a small table. your presence alone had drawn attention; a few people had recognized you when you walked in, whispering amongst themselves about how one of barcelona’s midfielders were in the building.

“y/n, let’s take a picture,” lee, the one who had invited you out, grinned, sliding into the seat next to you.  

“huh? oh, sure,” you said, barely processing before she was already adjusting her phone’s camera.  

you weren’t even sure what the picture was for, but you didn’t question it, simply smiling as she leaned in. after a few clicks, she was already typing away on her phone, most likely uploading it to her instagram story.  

you had barely touched your drink, still nursing your first one while everyone else was already onto their second or third. you didn’t mind, though. you were used to staying in control.  

“sooo,” lee dragged out, setting her phone down, “any chance you can get us into that club you went to with your teammates last week?”  

you blinked, recalling the team outing at a private lounge that had required special reservations. 

“oh… i don’t know. alexia was the one who set it up.”  

“you could ask, though, right?”  

“i mean, i could, but i think it was a one-time thing…”  

“come on, y/n,” another one of your friends, sophie, pouted, “you have connections. just ask.”  

you hesitated. you didn’t like using your status for favors, and you definitely didn’t like asking alexia for something that would obviously annoy her. you didn’t want to say no, either. you had a hard time with that.  

“i’ll see,” you finally said, earning a satisfied grin from sophie.  

before you could dwell on it, your phone buzzed on the table. you glanced down, seeing a text from kika.  

kika: you still out?  

you furrowed your brows, replying quickly.  

you: yeah, why?  

she read the message immediately. then, the typing bubble appeared before disappearing. a few seconds later, another message popped up.  

kika: just wondering. don’t get too drunk, bebé.  

you smiled at the nickname, a warmth settling in your chest. kika was always looking out for you, she was your best friend on the team.  

“who’s that?” sophie leaned over, glancing at your phone screen before you could lock it.  

“kika,” you answered easily.  

“ugh,” another friend, laura, groaned and rolled her eyes, “she doesn’t like us.”  

“what?” you asked, confused.  

sofía laughed, shaking her head, “y/n, you’re so oblivious. your teammates hate us.”  

your stomach twisted slightly at that. 

“they don’t hate you.”  

“they do,” laura insisted, “especially the famous one alexia. she glares at us every time she sees us with you.”  

“yeah, and your girlfriend esmee? she never even speaks to us.”  

you frowned. you had never noticed that. sure, alexia could be intimidating, but she wasn’t rude. and esmee was just… esmee. she wasn’t overly social to begin with. not since you started dating her over a year ago.

“maybe you’re imagining it,” you tried to reason.  

sophie smirked. 

“sure, y/n. keep telling yourself that.”  

the conversation moved on, but the thought lingered in your mind. was that really true? did your teammates really dislike your friends? why hadn’t they told you?  

you had no way of knowing that they had told you, just not directly. they had made snide comments, given you looks, even subtly tried to pull you away from your college friends and find better one. you, ever the optimist, had brushed it off every time. it wasn’t until you left the bar a couple of hours later to go to another one with all of your friends. 

the next club had flashing neon lights everywhere, the bass-heavy music that made your heart vibrate, and the taste of alcohol on your tongue. your friends had pulled you onto the dance floor, your laughter mixing with theirs as you all jumped to the beat of whatever song was blasting through the speakers. 

arms were thrown over shoulders, drinks raised in cheers, and cameras constantly flashing as you posed for pictures that you would probably only remember through instagram stories the next morning.  

it felt good to be carefree for once and to be normal. no football, no training schedules, no expectations…just you and your college friends, blending into the crowd. they hyped you up as you downed another shot, playfully teasing you when you scrunch your face at the burn. 

sophie had draped an arm around your shoulders at one point, grinning as she said, "this is so much better than all that football stuff, right? just us, no stress."  

you had laughed, nodding, "well i don’t knowwww this is just fun."  

now, standing in front of the mirror in the bar’s bathroom, you weren’t so sure.  

your reflection stared back at you…swollen cheeks, slightly unfocused eyes, hair a little messier than you remembered. you swallowed hard, gripping the sink as the dizziness hit you all at once.  

"shit," you mumbled, splashing cold water on your face.  

you had training tomorrow. well, later today, technically. afternoon practice, but still. your coaches always told you that recovery was just as important as training itself but here you were, drunk off your ass, wobbling slightly as you turned off the sink.  

oh well. it was one night. you barely go out anyways. so pushing the thought aside, you dried your hands and pulled out your phone, the screen nearly blinding you in the dim lighting.  

1:34 a.m

you sighed, tucking your phone into your pocket before pushing the door open and stepping back into the main part of the bar. the air was thick with the scent of sweat, spilled drinks, and cheap cologne. the music pounded in your ears, and the crowd had only grown since you left.  

you expected to see your friends still dancing, still drinking, still having the time of their lives. as you looked around, scanning the room, something felt… off.  they weren’t at the table where you last saw them. they weren’t by the bar either.  

your stomach twisted slightly as you wove through the crowd, bumping into people as you checked each corner of the bar. maybe they had gone outside for fresh air? maybe they had moved to a different section?  

after ten minutes of searching, the pit in your stomach deepened.  

they were gone.  

pulling out your phone, you quickly tapped into the group chat.  

you: where did you guys go?  

no response.  

you bit your lip, stepping up to the bar counter, trying to steady yourself as you leaned in toward the bartender. 

"um, excuse me?"  

the bartender, a middle-aged woman who looked like she had seen it all with her blue hair and tired eyes, barely glanced at you as she wiped down the counter, "yeah?"  

"did you see a group of girls? they were all wearing black, and one of them had, uh, purple hair?"  

she nodded, "yeah, they left about fifteen, twenty minutes ago."  

you blinked, "oh. are you sure?"  

she finally looked at you then, raising a brow, "yeah, kid. saw them walk out together. didn’t see them come back."  

your lips parted slightly, almost offended since you were called a kid but no words came out. you stood there, frozen, gripping your phone a little tighter as the reality of the situation slowly sank in.  

they left without you and without telling you.  

quickly, you opened your messages again, typing another text.  

you: did you guys leave??  

the three dots appeared, then disappeared. your stomach dropped. another few seconds passed. then, one by one, you watched as your messages were marked as read.  

no response.  

you stared at the screen, heart pounding.  

they left you. they actually left you. 

you looked around the bar again, as if expecting them to magically reappear, to jump out and tell you it was just a joke. unfortunately, they weren’t there. the people around you were strangers, caught up in their own worlds, unaware of the sinking feeling in your chest.  

your breath hitched as you tried to reason with yourself. maybe they thought you had already left. maybe they were too drunk and forgot to text you.  deep down, you knew the truth.  

they didn’t care.  

they had used you for pictures, for attention, for the free drinks you had bought earlier in the night. they had laughed with you, danced with you, but when the time came to actually care about you, they had walked out without a second thought.  

your hands trembled slightly as you locked your phone, shoving it into your pocket. you suddenly felt so stupid for believing they were your real friends and for thinking they actually liked you. you hated yourself for letting yourself get this drunk and careless when you had training tomorrow.  

the realization hit you like a truck.  

you were alone.

your fingers trembled as you gripped the edge of the table, trying to steady yourself. deep breaths. in through your nose, out through your mouth. it wasn’t working. your chest was tight, your vision was swimming, and the realization that you were completely alone in a barcelona bar at nearly 2 a.m only made it worse.  

you swallowed hard, blinking rapidly as tears threatened to spill. you were not going to cry here. not in front of all these strangers and not where anyone could see you breaking down.  

so you did the only thing you could think of, you got up on shaky legs and pushed through the crowd, stumbling your way back to the bathroom. once inside, you locked yourself in the farthest stall and collapsed onto the closed toilet seat, pulling your knees to your chest as the first sob broke free.  

this wasn’t fair.  

you just wanted to feel normal, to have a life outside of football. was that too much to ask? unfortunately, this is what you got for trusting people, for believing that they actually cared about you. you frowned realizing that your teammates were right.  

you hiccupped, wiping your face with the sleeve of your hoodie, but the tears wouldn’t stop. you had never felt so stupid in your life. your phone buzzed in your lap, and for a moment, you debated ignoring it. when you sniffled and glanced down, your blurry vision barely made out the contact name ‘esmee <3’ and a tiktok link she had sent.  

your breath hitched. she was awake and without thinking, you clicked on her contact and hit call.  

it rang once.  

twice.   

“hey,” esmee’s voice came through, casual, like she hadn’t just been sent into a call unexpectedly from her girlfriend at 2 o’clock in the morning. 

“are you good?”  

the second you heard her voice, everything inside you cracked open.  

“esmee,” you choked out, your words tumbling over each other in a drunken panic, “i— i’m scared, i don’t–i-i i don’t know where i am, i was just having fun and then they.. fuck! they left me and i can’t find them and i-i- i don’t know how to get home..”  

“hey, hey, slow down” esmee’s voice sharpened, her usual laid-back tone replaced with concern and fear after hearing your cries, “where are you?”  

you squeezed your eyes shut, pressing your forehead against your knee. 

“some bar. near the beach. a..um.. an old fashioned speakeasy like bar, i think? i don’t know which one.”  

“okay,” esmee said, her voice calm but urgent, “send me your location, yeah? you know how to do that?”  

you nodded quickly before realizing she couldn’t see you. 

“y-yeah,” you stammered, but when you tried to exit the call and open the app, your fingers felt clumsy, your mind sluggish from the alcohol.  

“shit, hold on,” you muttered, fumbling with your phone.  

“you got it, love?” esmee asked, softer now, but still worried.  

“i.. um? i think? wait!”  

you cursed under your breath as you clicked the wrong thing twice, your breathing getting quicker the longer it took. finally, finally, you managed to send her your live location.  

“got it,” she confirmed almost immediately, “okay, i’m coming. just stay on the phone with me, alright?”  

you sniffled, “i.. i’m so sorry, es. i didn’t mean to wake you up!”  

“you didn’t wake me,” she interrupted, “i was already up waiting for you to get home safely before i went to sleep...”  

you couldn’t stop apologizing. the shame, the embarrassment, the fear…it was all too much. it was then when another thought slammed into you like a freight train.  

alexia.  

your breath hitched, and fresh tears welled in your eyes.  

“esmee,” you whimpered, “am i gonna get in trouble?”  

she hesitated for a second. 

“what do you mean?”  

“alexia,” you choked out, “she’s gonna be so mad. i— we have training tomorrow and now i— i’m drunk and stupid and i…”  

your voice cracked as sobs overtook you again.  

“hey, hey, stop that,” esmee said quickly, “we’ll deal with that later, okay? i’ll talk to her.. right now, i just need you to breathe. i’m on my way. just hold on for me, alright?”  

you tried, you really did. however, you couldn’t stop crying.  

“it’s gonna be okay,” esmee reassured you, voice unwavering, “just stay with me. i’m coming to get you.”

esmee arrived faster than you thought possible. by the time you stepped out of the bar, still clutching your phone with shaky fingers, she was already getting out of her car, eyes scanning the drunk and hyped up crowd until they locked onto you.  

“y/n,” she breathed out in relief, rushing toward you.  

you sniffled, rubbing your arms, the cold night air making your already trembling body shake even more. esmee’s face softened as she took in your red-rimmed eyes, the way you were shivering not just from the weather but from the way the alcohol was leaving your system too fast.  

without a second thought, she shrugged off her jacket and draped it over your shoulders. 

“oh my, you’re freezing,” she muttered, rubbing your arms through the fabric. you swallowed hard, feeling your throat close up. 

“i-i didn’t know what to do,” you admitted in a small, broken voice.  

esmee sighed, her expression a mix of frustration and concern.

 “it’s okay, you’re safe now,” she reassured, looping an arm around your waist. 

“come on, let’s get you to the car.”  

she guided you toward the passenger side, opening the door and helping you in before buckling your seatbelt for you when she noticed your fingers weren’t cooperating. once she was sure you were settled, she jogged around to the driver’s side, getting in and turning up the heat the second she started the engine.  

you curled into yourself, esmee’s jacket engulfing you as you tried to stop the shivers wracking your body.  

“i’m taking you to mine,” esmee announced as she pulled out of the parking lot, “i don’t feel good about leaving you alone like this.”  

you didn’t argue. you couldn’t. you just nodded, eyes unfocused as you stared at the dashboard.  

the drive was quiet, except for the occasional sniffle from you and the sound of esmee tapping her fingers against the steering wheel, deep in thought. when you arrived, esmee wasted no time guiding you inside, kicking off her shoes as she led you to the bathroom. 

“you should shower,” she told you gently, already reaching for a fresh towel from the shelf, “it’ll help you feel better.”  

you nodded numbly, taking the towel from her hands. before you could turn away, she added, “i put a t-shirt of mine and some sweatshorts on the counter for you. they’ll be warmer than what you have on.”  

you swallowed back another wave of emotion, touched by her care. 

“thank you, es. i love you.”  

she gave you a small, reassuring smile. 

“i love you too. take your time, okay?”  

you took a longer shower than you intended, letting the hot water soak into your skin and wash away the night. when you finally emerged, dressed in esmee’s warm, oversized clothes, she was waiting for you in the kitchen with a glass of water and a packet of vitamin c on the counter.  

“drink,” she instructed, sliding the glass toward you.  

you did as told, drinking slowly, your hands still trembling slightly around the cup.  

when you finished, esmee nodded approvingly and motioned toward the her bedroom. 

“come on, let’s get you to bed.”  

you followed her, exhaustion settling deep in your bones. the moment you curled up under the blankets, your body felt heavier, your eyelids drooping almost immediately.  esmee crouched beside you, tucking a strand of damp hair behind your ear. 

“get some sleep, yeah? we have training tomorrow.”  

your stomach clenched at the mention of training. will alexia get super mad for your irresponsibility?

esmee seemed to read your mind. 

“don’t worry about anything right now,” she said softly, “just sleep.”  

you nodded sluggishly, already halfway to unconsciousness. once your breathing evened out, esmee sat back on her heels, exhaling slowly. the dutch woman’s gaze flickered toward her phone.  

should she call alexia?  

es’ fingers hovered over the screen, debating. if she didn’t tell her, alexia would find out eventually. and if you didn’t say anything, esmee would.  

she locked her phone with a sigh.  

tomorrow. she’d deal with it tomorrow.

fourteen hours later and training felt like a nightmare. your body moved, your legs carried you through drills, your passes were sharp and physically you were fine. however you felt destroyed mentally. you were barely holding it together.  

the people you thought were your friends had left you and abandoned you in the middle of the night, drunk, alone, in a city that wasn’t really your home. yes, you’ve played at barcelona for two seasons so far but you did not grow up here. the more you thought about it, the worse it hurt and it was obvious to your team.  

you weren’t laughing at vicky’s jokes like usual. when salma hugged you, you barely hugged back.when  patri nudged you playfully at one point, expecting you to counter her with one of your usual surprise tackles, but you just stared at her blankly before looking away.  

the energy you normally carried was gone and alexia noticed, of course she did.  

she watched you closely throughout training, her brows furrowed every time she caught the vacant look in your eyes or the way your jaw clenched like you were holding something in. she had asked you once,

"you okay?" 

and you had lied to her,  

"yeah, i’m fine."

esmee, stretching beside you, visibly cringed at the words. she knew the truth. she had seen you break down in her living room hours ago, your voice cracking as you admitted how scared you had been, how stupid you felt for trusting them. she didn’t say anything, not yet, not until after training.  

when the session finally ended, you trudged off the field, heading toward the locker room before anyone could pull you aside but alexia was faster.  

“y/n,” she called, her voice leaving no room for argument.  

you turned around, your heartbeat picking up when you saw the sharp look in her eyes, “yeah?”  she stared at you for a moment, like she was waiting for you to break on your own. when you didn’t, she took a slow breath and asked again, “are you okay?”  

the same question but this time, her voice was firmer.  

you swallowed, forcing yourself to nod. 

“yeah. just tired.”  

the blonde woman’s eyes narrowed slightly, but before she could press further, esmee stepped in.  

“alexia,” esmee said, voice calm but firm.  

alexia turned to her, raising an eyebrow.  

esmee sighed, rubbing the back of her neck knowing that you would not tell alexia the truth out of embarrassment. 

“can i talk to you? privately.”  

alexia’s gaze flickered back to you briefly before she nodded. 

“of course.”  

you watched as esmee led her a few steps away, out of earshot. your stomach twisted, knowing exactly what was coming next.  

esmee exhaled deeply before starting. 

“she’s not okay,” she said flatly.  

alexia crossed her arms, “i know that. i’m just waiting for her to tell me the truth.”  

esmee shook her head. 

“she won’t.” she paused before continuing, “she went out with her college friends last night and got really drunk.”  

alexia’s jaw tightened.  

“and they left her,” esmee added, voice dropping slightly, “like…literally left her alone in a bar, drunk, with no way home.” alexia’s expression darkened immediately, “what?”  

esmee nodded grimly, “she called me in a panic at almost two in the morning. crying, scared out of her mind. she didn’t even know where she was at first. she could barely get her location to send.”  

alexia’s hands clenched into fists at her sides.  

“she is staying at my home for a while,” esmee continued, “i am making sure that she is okay, as her girlfriend and all. this morning wasn’t good at all, she is messed up about it. i mean, imagine thinking these people are your friends and then they just leave you when you’re at your most vulnerable. gosh it makes me want to tackle them and make sure that my cleat hits their shin or something..”  

alexia exhaled slowly, trying to keep her composure, “why didn’t you guys tell me this happened?”  

esmee hesitated, “because she’s embarrassed and because she didn’t want you to be disappointed in her.”  

alexia ran a hand through her hair, exhaling sharply, “i’m not disappointed. i’m fucking furious…not at her, at those fucking smartasses.”  

esmee nodded, “yeah. me too.”  

alexia’s gaze flickered back to where you were sitting on the bench, staring down at your hands, looking so small and tired.  

“she needs to hear it from you,” esmee said gently, “that you’re not mad at her since she won’t believe me when i tell her.”  

alexia nodded, setting her jaw, “i’ll talk to her.”  

esmee clapped a hand on her shoulder, “good. and, uh… maybe be soft about it, yeah?”  

alexia rolled her eyes, but there was no real annoyance there, “i can be soft, you know.”  

esmee smirked, “mm-hmm. you better be.”  

alexia took a deep breath and started walking toward you.

however, you were gone.

you didn’t bother waiting for cooldown stretches, didn’t linger in the locker room like usual, didn’t stay to laugh with the team or chat about plans for the rest of the day. the second the coach dismissed you, you grabbed your bag and sprinted out, ignoring the confused voices calling after you.  

"now what was that about?" aitana muttered, glancing at kika.  

kika frowned, her confusion mirroring the rest of the team’s. when she turned to esmee and alexia, her brows furrowed even further at the way they shared a look…one that screamed ‘we know exactly what’s wrong.’  

“what the fuck happened?” kika asked, her gaze darting between them.  

neither alexia nor esmee answered.  

instead, alexia let out a slow breath, eyes still fixed on the exit you had just bolted through. 

by the time you reached your apartment, your entire body ached…not from training, but from exhaustion, from the emotional weight sitting heavy in your chest. you barely registered the way your hands trembled as you unlocked the door, throwing your bag onto the couch before heading straight to the bathroom.  

the second the hot water hit your skin, you broke.  

sobs wracked through you, the sound bouncing off the shower tiles as you clutched your chest, feeling like you were falling apart. you had already blocked them, every single one of them on every social media platform, and on your phone, making sure that you cut them out of your life.  however, it didn’t make you feel any better because no matter how much you tried to erase them, the damage was done.  

they had left you drunk, alone, and vulnerable. you could’ve been hurt. you could’ve been taken advantage of. the more you thought about it, the more sick you felt. were they laughing about it now? did they think it was funny? did they plan to do that to you?  

you squeezed your eyes shut, pressing your forehead against the shower wall, trying to drown the thoughts out with the sound of the water. however, nothing helped. by the time you ran out of tears, your chest physically ached. you dried yourself off, threw on a pair of pajamas, and crawled into bed.  

it was barely 5 p.m., but you didn’t care. last night had given you almost no sleep, and all you wanted was to escape into unconsciousness but just as your body started to relax, the doorbell rang rapidly… over and over.  

your stomach dropped.  

no. you squeezed your eyes shut, willing whoever it was to just go away but the ringing didn’t stop. with a heavy, exhausted sigh, you dragged yourself out of bed, pulling your hoodie tighter around you as you made your way to the door.  

the second you opened it, your heart nearly stopped.  

your girlfriend. alexia. kika.  

fuck.  

you swallowed, gripping the door handle tightly, too drained to even process the why behind their presence but without a word, you stepped aside, letting them in.  

you barely had time to turn before alexia was on you, wrapping you in a tight embrace, her arms locking around your shoulders.  

“why would they do this to you?” her voice cracked slightly, thick with emotion.  

your chest clenched. your breath hitched. and just like that…you broke all over again. a choked sob escaped your throat as you clung to alexia, your fingers digging into the back of her shirt as you cried into her shoulder.  

“i- i don’t know,” you hiccupped, shaking your head against her, “i don’t know what i did to them… why they hate me?”  

“they don’t hate you,” kika interrupted firmly, gently pulling you toward the couch, “they’re just terrible and evil people. and you did nothing to deserve that.”  

you let yourself sink into the cushions, your body feeling heavy from exhaustion and heartbreak.  kika sat beside you, rubbing soothing circles into your back, while esmee… who had been quiet up until now since she moved beside you, wrapped an arm around your shoulders while giving light kisses on your shoulder blade.  

“that was maybe the scariest moment of my life,” you admitted quietly, voice hoarse from crying, “i was so drunk… i didn’t know where i was… and they just left me. i should’ve just stayed my ass home.”  

esmee squeezed you tighter, her warmth comforting against your shaking body. “you’re safe now,” she murmured, “they don’t get to hurt you anymore.”  

alexia, who had taken a seat on the coffee table in front of you, reached forward, gently tucking a strand of damp hair behind your ear. “listen to me,” she said, her voice steady despite the storm of emotions in her eyes. “you are not trash. you are not disposable. they used you because you’re kind, because you give without expecting anything in return and that’s not a flaw, y/n. that’s what makes you, you. you just have to learn how to set boundaries..”  

you sniffled, looking down at your lap, “it doesn’t feel like a good thing right now.”  

alexia’s fingers tilted your chin up, forcing you to meet her gaze. 

you swallowed hard, more tears welling in your eyes, “but how do i stop feeling like this?”  

“time,” kika said softly, still rubbing your back, “and us. we’re not letting you go through this alone.”  

esmee kissed the top of your head, “no more shitty friends. you have the team, and you have me.”  

you exhaled shakily, nodding, even though your chest still ached.  

kika stood suddenly, stretching before heading toward the kitchen, “i’m making you tea. you need something warm in you.”  

“cabinet above the sink,” you mumbled, sniffling again.  

“got it,” kika called back.  

alexia stayed in front of you, her fingers absentmindedly playing with your hair as she continued to study you, as if trying to will away all of your pain just by being there.  

“i should’ve noticed sooner,” alexia murmured, voice laced with guilt.  

you shook your head quickly. 

“it’s not your fault, alexia.”  

she clenched her jaw, clearly not convinced. but instead of arguing, she simply sighed and leaned back slightly.  

“you’re staying with esmee for while,” she decided firmly.  

“yes! you might as well move in with me at this point since we’ve been talking about it. i don’t want you to be alone right now either...” esmee interrupted before you could object. 

you nodded weakly, whispering while looking at your girlfriend, “okay.”  

masterlist

author's note: this is my 1000th post lol

[meazalykov]

soft place to land

catarina macario x chelsea!reader with features of platonic!sam kerr x reader

warnings: cancer, recovery, angst

you haven’t been to any major doctor’s appointments since the ankle injury a few months ago. nothing urgent, nothing scary. it was just routine physio after a tackle during that game against west ham. there was light rehab, and a return to full training before the season picked up again. 

everything healed the way it was supposed to. 

or at least, that’s what you told everyone.  

now it’s something else.  

it started slow. a tingle at the base of your neck, creeping up your throat, like a subtle warning that didn’t feel worth mentioning at first. your voice would crack during post-training banter, or disappear altogether when you tried to call for the ball. you blamed it on overuse, maybe dehydration. you figured it would go away but it didn’t.  

you live with it now.  

you train, you play, and you act like nothing’s wrong, but every day it gets harder to pretend.  

you do not want to cause worry, especially not for cat. she has enough on her plate… coming back after recovering from her own serious acl injury, easing back into match fitness, proving herself all over again. but she notices. she always notices.  

"you didn’t say anything all session," she murmurs as you collapse beside her on the pitch after training one day. the black and pink training shirt clings to your back with sweat. your lungs burn. your throat aches.  

you give her a tight smile and a shrug, but it feels forced.  

"just tired," you say, even though the words come out hoarse and strained.  

cat’s brows pull together, concern flickering in her expression. she reaches over, fingers brushing gently under your jaw. 

"it’s your throat again?"  

you nod.  

"you need to tell sonia," she says quietly.  

"i’m fine," you lie, and she hears it. she always does.  

catarina doesn’t push. she just sighs and leans into you, pressing a kiss to your shoulder like it’ll ground you, knowing her love will hold the pieces of you together. the next day, you feel it again…worse this time. the pressure sits like a stone lodged in your throat. you can barely speak. your hands shake. your vision swims mid-sprint. when lauren passes you the ball, you miss the trap completely.  

"y/n, you good?" millie calls from across the pitch, jogging toward you.  

you wave her off and bend over, hands on your knees, willing your body to behave. you hear hannah whistle, then sonia’s voice from the sideline, sharp and direct.  

you straighten and pretend you’re okay because that’s what you do. you’ve always kept things to yourself until they become impossible to ignore.  

after training, you sit in the locker room with your boots still on, half-zoned out as the chatter around you continues.  

"she didn’t say a word again," erin whispers to lucy, trying to be subtle but failing miserably.  

"it’s not just her throat," ashley adds, brushing a towel over her head. 

"she’s slower and her passes are off. that is not normal for a player like y/n."  

you feel their eyes on you, but you keep your head down.  

when you finally glance up, it’s catarina who’s kneeling in front of you. your girlfriend’s hands rest lightly on your knees, her eyes searching yours. she doesn’t say anything. she doesn’t need to.  

later that night, when you’re curled into her on the couch, her arms around your waist and your face tucked into her neck, you let yourself exhale.  

"i don’t know what’s happening to me," you whisper, voice thin and trembling. 

"i feel like my body’s shutting down."  

"then let’s find out what it is," she says. 

you feel her hand over your heart. steady. warm. you nod.  

however, the fear lingers because it’s not just the throat thing anymore. it’s everything and the rest of the team knows. you see it in how guro always walks beside you now, keeping pace even when you fall behind.  

how mayra offers to cover your runs without being asked.  

how millie wraps an arm around your shoulders before matches and leans in close, like she’s trying to carry some of your weight.  

no one says anything directly but it’s there, all of it, aka the silent dread none of you know how to voice.  

a week later, you are more than aware that the champions league match against real madrid was days away. everything was intense for this group stage match. training, tactics, focus. every player was locked in, especially with how competitive this season had been. 

the club enforced mandatory monthly clinicals, making sure everyone was in top condition before important matches. it was routine. you had done it plenty of times before.

you stepped into the medical room like it was just another checkbox to tick off. same nurse, same hallway, same small talk about the weather. you were calm. casual, even.

things were fine until you stepped on the weight scale.

you stood still, the machine humming quietly beneath your feet. the doctor glanced at the screen, then back down to the scale, brows pulling together in a confused frown. the doctor’s mouth opened slightly like she was going to say something, but didn’t. instead, she stepped forward and checked the scale again, typing something into her computer with more urgency than before.

“what’s wrong?” you asked, your voice scratchy and hoarse…same as it had been lately.

the doctor looked up at you, professional, but concerned.  

“have you noticed the weight loss?”  

you blinked, “huh?”  

she took a careful breath, “you’ve lost eighteen pounds in the last three months.”  

your chest tightened, “i haven’t changed anything,” you said quickly. 

“my diet’s the same and i sleep all nine to ten hours.”  

she nodded once but didn’t look reassured. 

“that’s what concerns me. unexplained weight loss like this, paired with other symptoms, it’s not something we can overlook.”  

you were in there longer than expected. one by one, you started listing what had been happening. you did not want to draw attention to yourself, but because it suddenly felt like all of it was connected.  

your throat…the discomfort, the inability to speak sometimes.  

your periods…completely off schedule, skipping whole months.  

your hair…thinner in the shower, on your pillow, in your brush.  

your sleep…ten hours felt like three.  

the doctor listened closely, then gently reached out, fingers pressing along the sides of your neck. you winced slightly. she nodded again, like something in your body confirmed what she had already started suspecting.

“i want to send you in for a full body scan,” she said, still using that calm, practiced voice that somehow made everything feel more real. 

“your symptoms and physical indicators suggest we may be dealing with something involving your thyroid. it’s best we know for sure.”  

you waited for hours after that and the scans felt surreal. the cold machines, dim lights, the hum of technology that had nothing to do with football.  

when it was over, you were told to wait in a small private room. you waited for about an hour before the door finally opened with a soft knock.  

the club’s main doctor returned, this time with sonia, your coach, by her side.

sonia offered a gentle smile and stepped forward, “are you alright?”  

you swallowed. your throat ached again, “i don’t know.”  

the doctor explained it carefully, like she had done it a thousand times before. her tone was level. informative. precise.  

“the scans revealed abnormalities in your thyroid. after consulting the images and your recent symptoms… i’m sorry… but we’ve confirmed you’re in the early stages of thyroid cancer.”

your heart didn’t drop. it froze since everything inside you went cold and quiet. you didn’t react right away. all you did was just stared ahead, blank. your vision blurred at the edges, the words thyroid cancer echoing in your mind like a far-off siren.

the doctor kept talking…mentioning how it was the easiest form of cancer to recover from, how it was caught early, how treatment options were promising…but the words barely registered.

you weren’t thinking about recovery.  

you were thinking about football or about training or about your place in the squad or about the champions league or about the call up to the national team.

all you thought about was how everything was about to stop, and you had no idea how long the recovery process will take.  

sonia rested her arm around your shoulders, a comforting gesture. you didn’t lean into it. you looked at her instead, tears building in your eyes.

“where’s catarina?” your voice cracked. 

“please… can you get her?”  

“of course,” she said softly, “anyone else?”  

“sam,” you whispered, “please get sam too if she is in the recovery area today.”  

sam, your closest friend on the team. it was not just because of football, but because of kristie. kristie and you had grown up through the national team system together. she had been your person, your steady support. sam is too thanks to her.  

minutes later, the door opened again. cat walked in first, her face immediately searching for yours. sam followed close behind, her smile gone the second she saw the drained look on your face.  

sonia closed the door quietly behind them, giving you space.  

the doctor repeated the explanation, this time for them. you didn’t look at either of them. you couldn’t. you just stared at the floor, shoulders slumped, hands trembling in your lap.

your chest hurt…not from the diagnosis, but from the heartbreak. you weren’t stupid. your career would stall. you wouldn’t be able to train or to play. you were scared, no…terrified, actually.  

sam knelt in front of you and took your hands, already teary. 

“you’re gonna be okay. we’ve got you, yeah?” she said softly. 

“you’re gonna fight through this, and we’ll all be right here.”  

it was cat who saw the fear in your eyes. it was not the surface-level sadness, but the deep, soul-crushing fear in your eyes. the ’what if?’ fear.  

she moved beside you quickly, arms wrapping around your body, anchoring you against her. your cheek pressed into her chest, your hands fisting the front of her hoodie.  

“i’m here,” she whispered into your hair, “i’ve got you, baby. i’m not going anywhere.”  

you started to cry…finally. heavy, silent tears. your throat felt too tight to sob, but she felt your body shake against hers.  

“you were there for me every single day of my acl recovery,” she said, her voice thick. 

“you never left me. you pushed me through it. and now i’m going to do the same for you. every step. every appointment. i’m not letting you face this alone.”  

you nodded against her, barely, because it was all you could do. your girlfriend’s arms were holding you, and your best friend was sitting beside you but you didn’t feel like a footballer. you didn’t feel like someone strong or unstoppable. you felt like a woman who was scared out of her mind.  

“how could i be so stupid?” you whisper, voice breaking as you cling to the sleeves of catarina’s hoodie, the sterile walls of the room closing in around you.

cat pulls back just enough to cup your face, her thumbs wiping at your tear-streaked cheeks, her brows pulling together with quiet urgency.

“no. don’t do that,” she says firmly, “don’t start blaming yourself for this. you didn’t know. there’s no way you could’ve known.”

you try to look away, but she gently guides your face back to hers.

“you’re not stupid. you’re sick. and now we’re going to deal with it. together.”

sam nods beside her, sitting on the edge of the chair near your hospital bed, eyes glassy, “cat’s right,” she adds, “you’re not a doctor and none of us on the team are either. don’t be so hard on yourself, y/n. you did what you always do…you kept pushing. that doesn’t make you stupid.” 

you don’t say anything for a while, just sit there with both of them, the weight of it all slowly sinking in. it doesn’t matter how early it is or how “treatable” the doctor says it is. the word cancer sticks to your ribs like cement. you feel your career pause. you feel time pause. everything shifts in your world with no warning, and now all you can do is hold on.

a few days after the announcement is made, chelsea posts an official update on the matter. you don’t check social media at first. you think it’ll make you feel worse. when you finally do, you see hundreds…no, thousands of comments. people from everywhere. your national teammates. old teammates from your time in france. fans who remember your debut. strangers who just want to wish you well.

your chelsea teammates post pictures with you. sam writes a long message calling you “one of the strongest people i’ve ever met.” erin tags you in a throwback clip of one of your goals that she assisted, writing, “we’ll be here waiting, don’t rush. we need you whole.”  

even with all the love, you feel… weak like nothing inside you matches the strength people are seeing.  

you need cat more than you’re willing to admit.  

she's there every chance she gets. when she’s not training, or playing, or traveling, she’s with you—helping you with picking up your prescriptions, driving you to hospital visits, cooking when you’re too exhausted to lift your head. 

she’s become your steady presence, even when you feel like dead weight.

you hate relying on her so much, afraid of pushing her away somehow.  

one night, you break down while brushing your hair…a lot of it falling out in your hands. you throw the brush down, tears streaming silently down your cheeks. you don’t even hear her come in until her arms are around you again.

“stop it! i don’t want to be a burden to you,” you say softly, “you have your own career. your own recovery. you don’t need to babysit me if you do not want to.”

she looks at you like you’ve just said the dumbest thing she’s ever heard.

“you’re not a burden, y/n,” she says seriously, “you’re dealing with cancer. of course you’re not in top condition. of course you’re going to need help. and i want to help. just like you helped me. remember those two years when i didn’t feel like myself? when you sat with me through every painful stretch and every lonely rehab session? you never left and i’m not going to either.”

you try to protest, but she just presses a kiss to your forehead.

“i’m not doing this out of obligation,” she whispers, “i’m doing this because i love you.”

after your thyroidectomy, the healing begins slowly, but noticeably.

your strength doesn’t return all at once. your voice feels hoarse some mornings, and the hormone fluctuations leave you with bouts of exhaustion, but you can tell things are improving. the doctors at the hospital chelsea partnered with are kind, attentive, and thorough. your hormone levels are being monitored carefully. you’re told you’ll need daily thyroid hormone replacement therapy, but the prognosis is good.

you mainly stay home resting, taking meds, watching cat’s games when she’s away. the couch becomes your new recovery base. the one place where cat can return after training and just hold you without a single word needing to be said.

when naomi, yes naomi girma your national teammate, signs for chelsea a couple weeks later. she surprises you at your flat with coffee and snacks, giving you the biggest hug. you cry in her arms for ten minutes without saying anything. she doesn’t let go once.

your world is smaller now, but the love in it feels infinite.

a month later…just one month, though it feels like a lifetime…you’re back in light recovery training with the other injured players. you jog lightly. you stretch. you do basic ball work. everything feels harder than it used to, but you’re doing it. you’re moving again.

catarina watches from a distance during her cooldowns, waving at you every time you look her way. sam throws an arm around your shoulders at the end of each session, joking that she missed your chaos on the pitch.

“you’re getting there with me,” sam says, “we need to go slow and steady like a little comeback queens.”

you grin at her, then glance at cat, who’s already walking toward you with a water bottle and a towel in hand.

“you’re not my physio, you know,” you tease as she reaches you.

she smirks, brushing your hair out of your eyes. 

“no,” she says, “but i am your girlfriend.”

you laugh quietly, “your love might actually be part of the recovery process.”

“then i’ll keep it coming,” she says, pressing a kiss to your cheek, “as much as you need. for as long as you need.”

honestly, right now, you need it more than anything. for the first time in weeks you feel like maybe, just maybe, you’re gonna be okay again.

masterlist

authors note: I took some inspiration off of this post. you should check it out as well, its amazing writing!

[meazalykov]

counterattack

catarina macario x mancity!reader

warnings: rushed writing

you should be over the moon.  

a 2-0 win against chelsea in the first leg of the champions league quarterfinals? after the heartbreak of the cup final just a few days ago? after hearing catarina’s cocky little promise that she would comfort you more once chelsea won this match? 

yeah, this should feel incredible. 

it does. mostly.  

however, there’s still the second leg to play. if there’s one thing you know, it’s that chelsea is not a team that folds easily. they’re ruthless, and they’re first in the league right now. 

they know how to adjust with their elite players and they fight to the very end.  

you would know…your girlfriend is that way on that team.  

tonight, man city outplayed them. it was not an easy feat, not by any means, but you came into this game with fire in your chest. the dream of you winning the champions league has never went away. 

you had learned from your mistakes in the cup final, the one that led to yui's own goal, the one that had haunted you since the ball crossed the line. tonight, you made sure your team was on the winning side with this very important match.  

the first goal came in the 60th minute. you had been hounded in the midfield, pressure coming from erin and keira. however with a quick feint, a shift in weight, and suddenly, you were slipping past them. 

you spotted vivi making a run, and without hesitation, you played the perfect pass, slicing through chelsea’s backline like a knife through butter. vivi did the rest, her finish clinical as ever.  

you were running to her immediately, grabbing her shoulders and shaking her, yelling at her in viv’s native language (dutch) even though your pronunciation you’ve learned from jill was probably awful. vivi just laughed, hugging you and the rest of the team back before jogging back to position.  

the second goal was even better. 

88th minute. chelsea pushed and was desperate for an equalizer, leaving space behind. you won the ball, turned, saw vivi peeling away from millie bright. your pass was weighted just right…soft enough to control but quick enough to beat the defense. 

vivi took it in stride, one touch, then another, then a powerful strike past hannah.  

2-0.  

the crowd erupted. you barely heard it. you were already running, sprinting, colliding into vivi in celebration, both of you jumping, yelling, grinning like kids on a playground. a few minutes later as the final whistle blew and your teammates hugged and clapped each other on the back, your eyes flickered to the other side of the pitch.  

catarina stood with her hands on her hips, expression unreadable.  

well it was unreadable to everyone else.  

you knew exactly what that little furrow of her brows meant. frustration, annoyance, and because you know her, amusement.  

she finds this funny because of course she does.  

you don’t talk much after the game. a quick hug at the tunnel and a quiet, "good game, baby," exchanged before you both go your separate ways.  

at home, it's different.  

you're lying on the couch, one leg draped over the armrest, lazily scrolling through your phone when she walks in. she's already in her hoodie and sweats, hair still slightly damp from her shower, and she immediately beelines for you.  

"move," she mutters, nudging your side.  

"nah," you say, smirking up at her.  

she raises a brow. 

"move."  

"no."  

catarina doesn't hesitate. she climbs on top of you, settling her full weight against your body until you're groaning.  

"you're so annoying," you grumble, but you still wrap your arms around her, still let her tuck herself into your chest.  

she exhales. 

"you played well," she admits, voice muffled against your shirt.  

"i know," you tease.  

she pinches your side, and you yelp, laughing as you try to shove her off. she doesn’t budge.  

"you gonna cry?" you ask, lips twitching as you stroke her back lazily, "need me to comfort you now?"  

she lifts her head, eyes narrowing, "excuse me?"  

you grin. "

you said that i was the one who was going to need the comforting but after tonight..." you sigh dramatically, letting your fingers trace slow, taunting circles on her spine. 

"should i be rubbing your back, cat? telling you it's gonna be okay?"  

cat’s mouth parts in exaggerated disbelief. 

"oh, you think you're funny."  

"because i am."  

she stares at you for a moment, then suddenly shifts, pressing her hands into the couch to push herself up—only to shove her face directly into your neck, biting down just enough to make you jolt.  

"ow! fuck! okay, okay!" you laugh, hands coming up to cup her face. 

"i take it back!"  

she pulls away, smug. 

"that's what i thought."  

then, because she can't help herself, she kisses you.  

it's soft. lingering. cat’s lips warm and familiar against yours.  

"seriously," she murmurs against your mouth, "you were amazing tonight."  

you press your forehead against hers. 

"we still have a second leg to play," you remind her.  

catarina’s lips curve into a grin. 

"we do."  

"and i'm not going easy on you," you warn.  

"good," she whispers, "i wouldn’t want you to."  

ending the teasing, she kisses you again.  

masterlist

[meazalykov]

not now, and not again

sydney lohmann x bayern!reader with features of platonic!lena oberdorf x bayern!reader

warnings: acl injury, past acl injuries.

the pain takes over every nerve in your body, the pain shooting up your leg. it is radiating from your left knee like fire. you don’t even register the way you’ve crumpled onto the grass, the way the game stops around you as a whistle pierces through the air. 

your mind is louder. no. no, not again.

the words repeat in your head, a desperate, panicked chant, but nothing drowns out the agony pulsing through your knee. you don’t want to look. you don’t need to. you already know.  

your right knee had already betrayed you once, had taken a year from you, had forced you into months of grueling recovery, of loneliness, of doubt, of fear. that was during your time back in the states playing for north carolina. 

now, your left knee burns, throbs in a way you recognize all too well. 

this can’t be happening.

the stadium’s crowd looks ahead, some in horror and others in sympathy, but all of it feels distant, like background noise to the pain tearing through you. you’re just outside the penalty  box, the damp grass beneath you sticking to your skin, and you barely process the movement around you until hands are on you.  

“hey, hey.. i’m here,” tuva’s voice reaches you first, steady, grounding. 

she kneels beside you, her hand light on your back as if afraid to add to your pain. the scandi’s brows are furrowed, her lips pressed into a worried line. you know that look. concern, fear. 

you hate seeing it directed at you.  

there’s another presence, and this one makes your stomach twist. 

sydney.  

she’s beside you in an instant, her hands gentle but firm as they hover near your shoulders, unsure where to touch without hurting you. the german’s eyes, deep with worry, scan your face before trailing down to your knee, where you know the damage has been done.  

“baby,” her voice is softer than you’ve ever heard it. barely above a whisper. 

“talk to me.”  

you shake your head, eyes squeezing shut. if i talk, i will cry. if you acknowledge it out loud, if you give power to the reality of what’s happening, you’ll break down right here, in front of thousands, and you can’t. you won’t.  

sydney doesn’t push. she just exhales, her hand finding yours where it grips at the grass, knuckles white. she pries your fingers away from your knee so the medics and care for it, wrapping hers around them instead. your girlfriend’s grip is warm, steady. 

she holds on like she can keep you from slipping into the panic clawing at your mind.  

the medics are running now, bright neon vests flashing in your peripheral vision, but all you focus on is the way sydney holds your hand, the way tuva rubs small, reassuring circles on your shoulder. the way your body shakes, not just from pain but from the crushing dread sinking into your chest.  

you hear your name from somewhere, alara, maybe? or lea? voices blurred together by the blood rushing in your ears. 

sydney speaks again, just for you.  

“it’s gonna be okay,” she murmurs, leaning closer, her forehead nearly touching yours. her breath is warm, grounding. 

“whatever happens, i’m here. you hear me? please listen to me, you’re not alone in this.”  

you want to believe her. however, this might mark another dark era in your career.  

as the medics finally reach you, as they kneel beside you and begin their examination, as they press against your knee and the sharp, unbearable sting shoots through your leg, you feel the first tear slip free, tracing hot down your cheek.  

you squeeze sydney’s hand harder.  

she doesn’t let go.

at least until she had to let go when you were taken off the pitch. 

the weight of her absence settled in immediately, a cold contrast to the warmth of her hand in yours. now, sitting in the medic room, you stared at the television mounted on the wall, watching the game continue without you. 

the bright stadium lights flashed across the screen, illuminating players who still had control over their fate tonight. 

you shifted slightly, grimacing at the ache pulsing through your knee. the medical staff had already wrapped it up, the brace feeling eerily familiar, too familiar. you had spent months in something similar, learning how to walk again, how to run again, how to trust your body again. now, here you were and back to square one. 

a knock at the door. light, hesitant. you didn’t answer, but it creaked open anyway. it was lena stepped inside.  

for a moment, she didn’t say anything. she just walked in, leaning against the counter, her arms crossed over her chest. the german’s presence was enough to say it all. 

i’m here. and out of everyone on the team… i  know exactly how you feel.  

lena’s own knee had betrayed her not long ago, forcing her to miss nearly a year of football and the olympics, where she couldn’t even get the bonze medal they all won. 

she was finally coming back, ready to return to the pitch soon. 

you exhaled sharply, still watching the screen. still seeing the minutes tick down.  

“how are you feeling?” she finally asked, voice careful but not overly gentle.  

“like shit.”  

lena chuckled at your bluntness. 

“yeah,” she nodded, “i remember that feeling.”  

you glanced over, your frustration simmering beneath the surface. frustration at the pain, at the situation, at how quickly everything had changed in a matter of seconds.  

“look,” lena said, shifting forward slightly. 

“i came in here because i know your mind is probably going to some dark places right now. it did for me too. if this is your acl… i promise you, it’s not the end. i thought it was, but it wasn’t. it won’t be for you either, especially since you’ve been through this before.”  

your fingers curled against your thigh, not quite believing her. your mind wasn’t giving you the same optimism, not when you could already feel the possibility sinking in like an anchor tied to your chest.  

you exhaled, letting your gaze drift back to the television. the game was still on. ten minutes left. the scoreboard flashed: 2-2. your heart clenched.  

sydney was on the screen now. your girlfriend’s expression was tense, her shoulders stiff. even through the distance, even through the screen, you knew what that look meant. she was stressed. worried. syd’s focus might’ve still been on the game, but part of her mind was on you.  

you swallowed hard. you had scored the first goal of the match earlier, in the seventh minute. it had felt good, the rush of it, the celebration, the way sydney had grinned at you from the bench as you ran past. 

now? now, that might be your last goal for a long time.  

you bit your lip, blinking hard against the sting in your eyes. don’t cry. not now.  

lena stood from the chair, stretching slightly. 

“i should get back out there,” she said, reaching for the door. 

before she left, she turned back to you.  

“i’m sorry for what is happening, y/n. you might hate me for saying this but i was told that things happen for a reason,” she told you, a conviction in her voice that you couldn’t match right now. 

“i had to learn that the hard way. you’ll get through this. i know you will.”  

you couldn’t find the words to respond. not before lena leaned down, wrapping you in a quick, firm hug.  

then, she was gone.  

the second the door closed behind her, the first tear fell.  

you tried to hold it in, tried to keep it together, but the weight of it all crashed over you like a tidal wave. you squeezed your eyes shut, hands clenching against the edge of the table.  

not again. 

you thought back to the beginning with sydney. to the way you first met, shortly after the 2023 world cup. neither of you had come out of that tournament feeling good. your country had been expected to go to the finals, only to get sent home in the knockout rounds. sydney’s germany hadn’t even made it past the group stage.  

she had texted you on instagram first. a simple message. nothing much. you hadn’t even played in the same league back then, let alone the same club. you texted her back yet somehow, conversation after conversation, late-night calls and shared frustrations, she became someone you didn’t just want to talk to. she became someone who you needed.  

now, a year and a half later, she wasn’t just some footballer friend you met online. she is your girlfriend and you were here, playing in germany, a bayern player until 2028.  

the thought of the next world cup drifted into your mind, uninvited. 2027. if you recovered in time, if you did everything right, you could still make it. you could still prove yourself. 

realistically, you knew you couldn’t rush this, not if it really was your acl again.  

you wiped at your face quickly, hating how your hands shook. 

the game was ending. 2-2. bayern and lyon locked in a draw.  

there was a knock at the door again.  

this time, you knew who it was before you even turned your head.

the door swings open before you even have the chance to respond. sydney doesn’t wait, doesn’t hesitate. she’s already dropping her cleats onto the floor with a dull thud, rushing toward you before you can even register the desperation in her eyes.  

then, she’s holding you as you fall into her, letting go of the last thread of control you had over your emotions. the tears spill freely now, soaking into the red of her kit, the same one you were still wearing, though it felt heavier on you now, like it didn’t belong anymore.  

sydney doesn’t say anything at first. she just holds you. syd’s arms wrap around you, pulling you into her as if she can shield you from the pain, from the fear, from the familiar nightmare of what could be happening to you again.  

the woman’s lips press soft, warm kisses against your temple, your cheeks, light touches meant to ground you, meant to remind you she’s here. you squeeze your eyes shut, focusing on the way her hands move over your body…one firm on your lower back, the other tracing light circles on your thigh, just above your injured knee.  

“i’m here,” she murmurs, her voice steady despite the emotions weighing in it. 

“this time, i’m here.”  

you nod against her chest, gripping onto her jersey like it’s the only thing keeping you together. because last time, she wasn’t here. you had barely known each other back then, still strangers despite the messages, despite the late-night conversations that never quite dipped into this.  

now, she knew you. she knew everything about you. every fear, every unspoken worry you didn’t even have to voice.  

“i know what you’re thinking,” she whispers, and you almost scoff. of course, she does. 

“but whatever’s going on in your head right now, it won’t happen. i know this is happening but your worst fears to come out of this? they won’t come true.”  

you want to believe her. you do. the pain in your knee is still there, the brace still heavy, the memory of your first injury still fresh even after all this time.  

your breath shakes as you try to calm yourself, focusing on her. on the warmth of her body, on the soft way she keeps pressing kisses to your skin, on the way her fingers never stop moving, as if she’s afraid to let you feel alone in this.  

so you turn your head from her chest, pressing a firm kiss against her lips.  

she responds immediately, deepening it just enough to let you feel her. it’s not desperate, not rushed. it’s steady, grounding, the kind of kiss that reminds you that you’re not alone here, not this time. 

when you pull away, you whisper it against her soft lips. 

“i love you.”  

it’s a thank you as much as it’s a declaration. a reminder that even if this feels impossible, even if you feel like you’re drowning, she’s here.  

sydney exhales softly, resting her forehead against yours. 

“i love you more,” she says, voice unwavering. she pulls back just enough to look at you, her thumb brushing away the tears still lingering on your cheek.  

“and i’m with you through this,” she promises, “since i couldn’t be last time.”  

masterlist

[meazalykov]

extra time

catarina macario x uswnt!reader

warnings: comforting angst

you step forward when your name is called, your legs heavy like they are made of concrete. you do not let it show, even though your heart feels like it is about to claw its way out of your chest. you are not a veteran. you have barely been on this team for a year. 

every step you take toward the middle spot echoes in your head, louder than the crowd, louder than your thoughts, louder than the voice in your mind whispering that you are not ready for this.

you wish catarina was here. you wish she was standing just behind you, whispering encouragement like she always does before matches but she is in lyon recovering and probably watching. she is probably holding her breath the same way you are.

you feel the absence of her like a physical ache in your chest.

on the other side of the world, away from catarina, the ball waits. so does zecira. the entire stadium does.

everyone is watching the twenty-two year old, you.

you place the ball down and take a few steps back. the grass beneath your cleats feels foreign, like you are walking on borrowed land. still, you breathe in slow. one, two, three. you tell yourself that you’ve taken this shot a thousand times in training. you know what to do but this isn’t training… this is the world cup.

you take the shot.

zecira guesses right.

the veteran goalkeeper’s hand meets the ball, and the sound of it being deflected is louder than anything you have ever heard.

it flies over the post.

you freeze.

your eyes follow the ball until it lands behind the netting. then… silence. not really, but it might as well be. your hearing dims, the roar of the crowd becomes muffled, like you are underwater. your pulse is thunder in your ears.

you backpedal slowly, blinking, trying to swallow the rising panic.

you hear someone say your name. maybe it’s andi. maybe it’s megan. maybe it’s a ghost. you do not look.

magdalena scored before you.

you missed and now if the next swedish player scores, it is over.

you stand just outside the box, your arms crossed tightly, your nails digging into your skin. you don’t breathe as lina hurtig steps up. you want to scream. or disappear. or both.

the shot is taken.

alyssa gets a hand to it and for one fraction of a second, you think that its maybe over…the var confirms that.

the swedish players scream. they run. they fall to their knees. their joy is blinding.

you go still as you watch the celebration like you are not real, like your body is just standing there out of habit.

your mouth is dry. your vision blurs. not with tears…at least not yet…but with shock. your knees feel weak. someone touches your back, says something like, “hey, hey, it’s okay.”

it is not okay. it will not be okay for a long, long time.

you are the attacking midfielder who could not put the ball past a goalkeeper you studied. you missed the most important shot of your career. you did not score a single goal the whole match, not even when it mattered most.

you feel like a fraud.

you feel like you stole someone else’s jersey. someone who might have scored. someone who might have made it count.

yes, you were thinking about your girlfriend. catarina, the attacking midfielder who would have scored this, the shot you didn’t score. you try not to cry on the pitch, but later, in the locker room, you let it out. in silence. in a towel. head buried in your hands.

you do not know how to face anyone after this.

especially not cat and yet, her name still sits in your chest, the only warmth left in the cold mess of disappointment you now carry like a second skin.

you will. you will carry it because you have no choice. you missed and it will follow you.

three days later… catarina heard the door open softly. no slam, no greeting, no sound except the quiet shuffle of your shoes being toed off, then the click of the bathroom door. she didn’t need to ask. she already knew.

you didn’t need space, you needed silence and she respected that.

you’d flown back to lyon like a ghost… no texts, no calls, no word of when you’d land. she only knew you were home because the lock turned and her chest ached with a mix of relief and dread. she wanted to hold you the moment she saw your shoulders drop, your eyes empty, your hands curled too tightly at your sides. 

you walked past her wordlessly right to the shower.

she heard the water turn on. so many minutes passed, then more, thirty… forty-five… an hour and a half. the sound of water hitting tile became a white noise that clawed at her nerves.

she hesitated only once before she opened the bathroom door.

the glass of the shower had fogged over, but through it she could see your figure slumped under the water, arms wrapped around your middle like you were trying to hold yourself together. your forehead rested against the tile. your back to her. the water ran down your body, but you hadn’t moved, not even to shampoo your hair and not even to grab the soap.

“baby?” cat’s voice was soft, and it cracked anyway.

you didn’t respond.

so she stepped inside. fully clothed at first, shoes off, socks dampening against the floor. she didn’t care. she just wanted to reach you.

you barely noticed her until her arms wrapped around you from behind, chin resting on your shoulder, cheek pressed to your back. her warmth was steady against your cold skin.

“i’m here,” she whispered.

still, you did not speak.

you wanted to and part of you did. the words were buried under the weight of disappointment, of shame, of a mistake that had been replaying in your head nonstop since it happened. the penalty. the miss. the sound of sweden’s cheers. the way you stood alone on the pitch while the world moved on without you.

so instead, you stood there. water running down both your bodies now. cat’s clothes were clinging to her like they were a second skin. cat’s hands moved slowly, gently…like she was afraid you might fall apart if she pressed too hard.

“let me help,” she said, and you let her.

she poured shampoo into her hands and worked it into your hair with soft fingers. your girlfriend’s nails scratched your scalp the way she knew calmed you. she rinsed it out carefully, then reached for the conditioner. 

cat’s  touch was tender. it is never rushed, not once did she ask you to explain. there was not once did she bring up the game. she just stood behind you, silently reminding you that you would not be dealing with your thoughts alone. 

when she began washing your back, your knees gave just a little, and she caught you with a quiet, “i’ve got you.”

you finally leaned into her.

when the water started to cool, she turned it off and grabbed a towel. she helped you dry off, helped you step into a soft hoodie you always wore after games…hers, actually. one with the lyon crest. the irony didn’t escape you, but you let her help. 

for once, you let someone hold the pieces you couldn’t carry.

she didn’t ask for your pain. she just stayed.

later, she would make you tea. later, she’d tuck you into bed beside her and wrap her arms around you so tightly that you might finally believe you are still loved by so many… even with the miss, even with the shame, even when you have nothing to say.

for now, she just presses a kiss to your temple and whispers, “you don’t have to talk yet. just let me be here.”

for the first time since you left that field, you breathe in.

masterlist

[meazalykov]

I love barcelona angst fics

my business

barcelona femení x teen reader after losing her best friend, r gets a meaningful tattoo, but gives her teammates no details about it. her older teammates, especially alexia whom she lives with, are furious that she didn't talk to them first. angst city, sprinkles of comfort [loss, grief]

—

It had always been the two of you. From the first day of kindergarten, when you’d both found yourselves playing with the toy cars in the corner of the room. You were fast friends; probably because there was something about the other that drew you together. You both came from broken homes, barely enough pieces of parents to craft together a family between the two of you. She’d been your family, for as long as you could remember. 

Even when you’d moved across the continent to Spain to play for Barcelona, you’d remained close. You facetimed at night, scrolling through tik tok compatible silence. As everything changed for you, things remained the same for her. She was stuck in that broken home, a mirror of the one you’d escaped. Football had saved you, but Jackie hadn’t had a savior. And when you left, she was all by herself. 

Now you were too. 

—

You lived with Alexia, which wasn’t quite your choice. You’d started off in an apartment in the same building as some of the other younger players, but an amalgamation of circumstances had you moving into Alexia’s only a month into your first season at Barcelona. 

The call had, ironically, in the middle of a very long 10 days all by yourself in Barcelona. It was just your luck that you’d picked up a strain in your calf the week before, leaving you off the squad for your own national team. Initially, you’d been looking forward to some down time. Then the call had come in, and you were thrust into the painful realization that you were all alone. 

Olga was kind, above anything else, and she hovered a lot less than her partner did. The first five days had been a nice break from the rush and chaos of your regular schedule. Maybe you would have told her, when you got the call, if she’d still been there. Olga had to go to Madrid for work. After dropping Olga off at the airport in Alexia’s cupra [though you had an identical one, you swore hers was better], you’d gone home, the prospect of complete freedom very appealing, not that you’d really do anything crazy. 

The soft jingle of your ringtone broke through the silence, a silence that felt full of opportunity, even if it was just cooking in the kitchen with the music blaring. Sometimes, as you lay awake in your bed, staring at the ceiling, you wondered what would have happened if you hadn’t answered the phone. It wouldn’t have changed anything. Jackie would still be dead. The car that sped through the crosswalk without looking would still have slammed into her.  

You answered the phone. Jackie was dead. Your world fell apart. There was nothing more to it. There was nothing you could do, no way to think yourself out of the pain. It was there, hot and searing. All for you to deal with, all by yourself. 

It was a weird form of karma, perhaps, that you were now just as alone as you’d left Jackie to be. 

—

It wasn’t entirely a conscious decision that brought you to the tattoo shop. One minute you were looking back through your texts with Jackie, and the next, you were in the chair, shirt pulled up as the buzz of the tattoo gun filled the room. 

It was a small black and white illustration of a lemon tree. The school where you’d met each other had a lemon tree in the back, next to the playground. The two of you would sit there together at recess and talk. As you got older, you still returned to the lemon tree, even once you were both much too old to be sitting next to a playground. 

Under the lemon tree had been the last place you’d seen her in person. You’d gone home to visit her for a few days, and you’d spent your last few hours under the lemon tree together, talking about everything and nothing. That had been months ago, now. 

Your calf injury had not only taken you out of the international break, but it had ruined your plans to see Jackie whilst you were back home. It had been a long time since you’d seen your best friend, and you were more than a little disappointed that you couldn’t. After several profuse apologies, Jackie had told you not to worry about it. She’d see you sometime soon, and she didn’t need to watch you play in person to be proud of you.

 ‘I’m always proud of you,’ she’d said. 

There were about 2 months until your 18th birthday, but it turned out that in Barcelona you didn’t need to be 18 to get a tattoo, you had to be 16. So, off to the tattoo shop you’d gone, with nothing more than Jackie’s last text repeating in your head over and over. You didn’t think about the consequences, didn’t really think about anything until it was done, until the tattoo artist was carefully laying the second skin over the raw patch on your upper arm. 

Lost in your head, you left the tattoo shop. The habit you had of not watching where you were going, instead staring at the ground under your feet as you walked, was something that had caused you trouble more than once. And now, it seemed it would again as you practically crashed into someone the minute the door shut behind you. 

“¡Oye, cuidado!” 

You stumbled backwards, eyes still fixed on the ground, opening your mouth to apologize before you froze. You knew that voice. Your head snapped up and, ironically, the first thing you spotted was ‘looks can be deceiving’ inked into your teammates neck as her tattooed arms flew into the air with exasperation. Her face turned from annoyed to surprised, and then she broke into a wide grin.“¿Peque��a?” 

“Hola, Mapi.” You replied quietly. “Sorry, I didn’t see you.” 

“No, no, it’s–...” Mapi trailed off, something on your face, something raw and painful catching her attention. She studied you for a moment, both of you blocking half the sidewalk as people grumbled and stalked past you. You waited for her to realize, her eyes flicking up to the sign above the door behind you. 

Mapi’s jaw dropped, her hand coming to grip your elbow and pull you over to sit at a nearby bench. “Did you get a tattoo?!” She hissed, surprise and concern etched deep into the lines of her forehead. 

She was downright floored. You were the team’s resident well behaved teen. Not since you’d moved in with Alexia had you stepped a toe out of line. Undertaking the extra film sessions and disgustingly high protein dinners with little complaint, you were practically a miniature version of your captain. 

And it wasn’t that everyone was opposed to tattoos or something, it was just that you were so young. You’d talked about getting a tattoo before but Alexia and Mapi had convinced you to wait until you were older. For you to break that promise, to go behind Alexia’s back while she was out of town… it was completely out of character. And it was for this reason that Mapi wasn’t upset. She was concerned. 

How you could have forgotten Mapi was still in Barcelona, seeing as though she wasn’t playing for Spain any longer, you weren’t sure. But that miscalculation had backfired greatly. Something in the very back of your head begged you to take the hand that was suddenly outstretched, trying to pull you out of the ocean you were drowning in. Mapi was right there, and she’d listen. Mapi always listened. You didn’t have to be alone anymore, but the thought of saying it out loud… that Jackie was gone and you were broken, you just couldn’t do it. Letting Mapi in would hurt too much, you decided. 

“Yes.” You answered shortly. 

The defender looked taken aback, her brow knitting together. She seemed to be at a loss for words for a moment, her concern for you doubling as she took in your appearance. You looked like you had barely slept in days, eyes red and puffy. It seemed impossible for you to sit still, your knee bouncing rapidly as your hands fidgeted with the sleeves of your sweater. Eyes anywhere but on her face, Mapi realized that whatever was wrong with you was serious. 

“Are you… what’s wrong, pequeña? What’s happened?” María inquired gently, her hands resting on your knee. You shifted away from the touch, your whole body suddenly seeming to tense. 

“Nothing. Nothing happened. I just wanted a tattoo.” You replied mechanically. 

“But… we talked about this. Me, you, and Ale. I thought you were going to wait–”

“Well, it isn’t up to you and Ale, it’s up to me.” You hated how hostile you were being whilst simultaneously having no idea how to behave any differently. Your body was in fight or flight, refusing point blank to admit to Mapi that you were very far from okay. 

To your chagrin, Mapi only seemed to soften further, the sympathy and concern on her face making your chest feel like it was on fire. “Nena, I don’t think–”

“I have to go, María. I have… I have an appointment. I’ll see you at training on Monday.” Abruptly, you stood, only just catching the way Mapi tried to reach out for you again. You didn’t listen as she tried to stop you, didn't look back once you turned around and speed walked away from her. 

You weren’t sure what you were doing, and maybe that was just what life would be like from now on. You weren’t sure. You just knew that verbalizing the grief and emotion you felt would make it unbearable. 

And behind you, still sitting bewildered on the bench, Mapi wasn’t sure what to do either. She could follow you home, insist you talk to her. That didn’t feel right, because you clearly wanted space. 

You’d been fine when she saw you at training last week, which made her think that the rest of your teammates wouldn’t know anything either. Mapi knew you loved your younger teammates, the ones much closer in age to you, but she also knew how careful you were about bothering people. No, you wouldn’t have called one of them for help. 

She’d definitely be calling Ingrid, but that was more for her own sake than yours. Ingrid wouldn’t have the answers, because she’d been gone, too. 

The most likely option of who would have more information was Alexia. Obviously, because you lived with her, you were close. But if Alexia knew something was wrong, she never would have left you behind without a word to Mapi to check on you. Likely, Alexia didn’t know anything either.  

And of course, María could call Alexia, but she knew her captain well enough to know that whatever overbearing reaction Alexia would have to try to figure out the problem and solve it would be suffocating to you. 

That left only one person.  

—

The noise of your rather melodramatic playlist must have drowned out the front door opening. You weren’t expecting anyone home today, so you froze when you heard footsteps beginning to ascend the stairs. Terrified, you grabbed the bat you kept under your bed and crept closer to the door, allowing the music to keep playing. 

Counting to three in your head, you grabbed the knob and twisted, flinging the door open and holding your bat up in the air at the ready. Olga jumped back, her hand raised as if to knock. 

“¡Joder!” 

“Jesus!” 

You both exclaimed simultaneously, Olga putting her hand over her heart and you dropping the bat to the ground. 

“What are you doing here? I thought you weren’t back until tomorrow?” You questioned. 

Olga had been looking at you in alarm, evidently still startled from the scare she’d just had. But as soon as you asked why she was home early, she seemed to gain control of herself, her body language softening as she stepped closer into your room. 

“Mapi called me.” The brunette said gently. Instinctually, you took a step back from her, trying to put space between you and the wrecking ball that was trying to break down the walls you’d so carefully crafted over the past few days. Olga didn’t move any closer, a small, sad smile gracing her lips. “Can I see your tattoo?” 

Her question caught you off guard enough that you nodded rather dumbly, rolling up the sleeve of your sweatshirt so that your bicep, and its new lemon tree, was exposed. 

Olga studied it for a moment, reaching out to grab your arm and have a closer look. “It’s pretty.” 

“Thanks.”

There was a beat of silence, both of you waiting for the other to address the elephant in the room. The brunette broke first, raking a hand through her loose hair. 

“Alexia is not going to be happy about this, pequeña.” Olga sighed, running her thumb over the pink tinged skin. 

You shrugged, pulling your arm from the older woman’s grasp. You didn’t care if Alexia wasn’t happy about it. In fact, that was the absolute last thing on your mind. 

“María told me that–”

“I don’t care what Mapi said.” You snapped. Olga simply raised her eyebrows at you. “I have a headache, Olga, I really don’t want to talk right now.” 

You turned, walking back over to your bed and sitting on the edge. Your posture was stiff, everything about your body language screaming to Olga that Mapi had been right, that something was really wrong. 

“But you know you can talk to me, yes?” Olga called after you. Freezing, the words sent a pang of anxiety through your chest. Another hand, the same ocean of grief. You couldn’t take it. Forcing a smile, you looked up at the brunette. 

“I’m good, I don’t have anything to talk about.” 

Olga sighed again, a sound you were beginning to hate. Her eyes bore into yours, and you knew she didn’t believe you for a second. “I can tell something is not okay. You are not okay. I came home to help you, pequeña.” 

Something between a scoff and a huff of air escaped you. “I am okay. I don’t need your help.” 

Olga shook her head, pulling the sleeves of the oversized Barcelona sweatshirt she was wearing down over her hands and crossing her arms. She looked so concerned, and it made your skin crawl. You couldn’t. You couldn’t. If you said it out loud, that made it true, and a part of you wasn’t prepared to accept that truth yet. 

A beat of silence, then another. Finally, Olga broke eye contact, resigned. 

“Well, if you change your mind, I’m here for you. And I won’t tell Alexia about that,” she nodded her head at your arm, “but you need to.” 

That, at least, you already knew. 

—

As luck would have it, no one’s paths really crossed the day Alexia came home. She’d stopped at her mother’s house for her Uncle’s birthday dinner, and by the time she got home, you were in bed, asleep. It had been oddly quiet on your end while she’d been gone, which she had chalked up to frustration with your injury. 

Alexia cracked open your door, finding you fast asleep in your bed before walking into her bedroom, body drooping with exhaustion. Captaincy duties had kept her in Madrid for an extra day, and she’d gone straight from the airport to her Mami’s house. She was more than ready to take a quick shower and collapse into bed before she inevitably had to get going again for the training session in the morning. It was just recovery, but still. 

As she entered her room, feelings of both love and sadness washed over her. The bed was still made, a soft pair of pajamas and a soothing face mask laid out on the bed for Alexia by her girlfriend. It made her smile, just briefly. Though Olga had gone to spend the night at own parent’s house, she’d thought to do something so simple and so kind for Alexia. 

Alexia stepped in closer to the bed, her lips quirking up into a small grin as she noticed the pajamas Olga had laid out were her favorite pair. Something on her nightstand caught her eye, though, a piece of paper with Olga’s familiar neat cursive marking it. 

Something is up with pequeña. I promised her I wouldn’t say anything, but go easy on her, and see if she’ll talk to you tomorrow after training. I love you. Olga. 

Alexia studied the note closely, feeling like she was missing something. You’d been fine when she left… and now you weren’t? Something was so wrong Olga felt the need to warn her yet still wouldn’t give Alexia a clue as to what was wrong because she’d promised you she wouldn’t? It was all odd, to say the least, but Alexia truly didn’t have the energy to try to figure it out at the moment. Instead, she set the note aside to be dealt with in the morning, and began her nighttime routine. 

Completely unaware that on just the other side of the wall, you were sobbing into your pillow, wishing for anything at all to make the pain stop, even if it was just for a second. 

—

You managed to keep it a secret until the next day, at training. Alexia had kept a very close eye on you all morning, which was odd, but you weren’t really paying attention to it. It was obvious you were just going through the motions, numbly and robotically hugging Alexia back when you wandered into the kitchen for breakfast, politely listening to Alexia’s stories from camp in the car. Still, her eyes were on you, and you didn’t think she was the only one watching. 

You’d almost made it through training, in fact, just pulling on a fresh shirt before you headed home when you heard Alexia’s sharp voice ring out through the locker room. 

“What is that?” She hissed. 

You jumped away from her like her words had scalded you, immediately tensing and crossing your arms over your chest. Your shirt was fully on, now, so the rest of your teammates were looking at you in confusion. Well, all of them except for Mapi. 

Alexia stomped closer, grabbing your arm and shoving your sleeve up once again. “You got a tattoo!” She gasped. “What were you thinking?! Who did it? Who would do this to a child? This is unacceptable, you are too young to be making a decision like this–” 

“Well, in Barcelona, actually, the age without parental consent for a tattoo is 16, and nena is 17.” Pina piped up from behind your captain. You shot her what you hoped was a grateful look, but you were pretty sure it just came across as terrified. Alexia turned slowly in Pina’s direction, glaring at the young forward for a moment. 

She was visibly fuming, nostrils flared, face red, vein in her forehead beginning to pop out. Angry Alexia was not a person anyone wanted to cross, and before she even had to speak a single word, Pina was throwing her bag over her shoulder, grabbing Patri’s hand, and all but dragging her out of the locker room. It would have been amusing if you weren’t so utterly terrified. 

You shrunk under Alexia’s gaze, and she tried to remember Olga’s note, telling her to go easy on you because something was wrong. All Alexia could think about, though, was when you’d promised her, sworn to her that you wouldn’t get a tattoo before you turned 18 and had properly considered what you wanted. It wasn’t so much the tattoo as it was the blatant breaking of a promise you’d made her. Well, it was the tattoo, too. 

Wordlessly, Alexia grabbed your wrist and pulled you out of the locker room and into the hall. You knew better than to try to pull away. She was going to yell, it was just a matter of location. 

“What were you thinking?” Alexia asked, crossing her arms over her chest and glaring at you. All she saw was a kid, a kid who had been left alone for a week and broken a promise she’d made. A kid who’d just permanently inked something into her skin without so much as running the idea by anyone who cared for her. 

And you… well, you were a shell of yourself, truly. Somewhere deep inside you, anger began to bubble up. 

“I was thinking that I am legally allowed to get a tattoo.” You stated plainly. 

“You promised me that–”

“Well, I changed my mind.” You interrupted. “I am an adult, I’m allowed to change my mind.” 

“You are not an adult! Are you insane? This is not a decision an adult would make, I do not understand how you can stand here in front of me without any guilt–…”

 You began to tune your captain out, because she’d gotten that one part wrong. You felt guilt. Guilt and regret and pain. She didn’t even know the half of it, and she hadn’t even tried to ask. 

Olga and Mapi, they’d known something was wrong, but you hadn’t wanted to talk to them. If Alexia had asked, you would have told her, but instead she was shouting, yelling at you like you’d done something wrong and it was all too much for you to take. Without thinking about the consequences, you shoved past Alexia and made a break for the door, breaking into a full sprint as you exited the building. You weren’t sure where you were going, just somewhere far. Far away from questions and feelings and disappointment. 

—

Somehow, you ended up sitting under a tree in a park near Alexia’s house. It was an unconscious decision. Sometimes you’d come here to facetime Jackie, and both of you could pretend you were in the same place, back home. Pretend you were under the familiar branches, sitting in the patchy shade the tree provided. If you closed your eyes, you could imagine the trunk behind you, with both of your initials carved into the bark. 

But this wasn’t a lemon tree. Jackie wasn’t next to you. She wasn’t even on the phone with you. Jackie was gone. And for the first time, you felt the gravity of what that meant hit you fully in the chest. Because it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fucking fair. 

Jackie would never get to leave your hometown like you had. You wouldn’t grow up together. She wouldn’t come see you play at Camp Nou. She’d never become a vet like she wanted to. She’d never hug you again. 

And you… you’d never have a chance to tell her the truth. To grab her hand in yours and whisper the words you’d been terrified for years to say. You’d never know what it felt like to have her lips on yours, to hear her heartbeat in your ear as you fell asleep. You’d never know what she would have said when you told her that you’d been in love with her for years. That there wasn’t anyone else on earth for you. All you wanted was her. 

She’d never get to know that.

You’d never get to know if she felt the same way. 

The not knowing… that was almost as painful as her being gone. But not quite. Because you’d make a deal with the devil in a minute if you could, settle to just be her best friend if you could have her back. Having her in your life, in any capacity, would be better than the aching emptiness that currently suffocated you. 

You hadn’t known life without Jackie since you were very small. And secretly, you’d hoped you’d never know life without her. You dreamed of her moving to Barcelona, into an apartment the two of you shared. Bickering over the decor, and making sure she didn’t study too hard. 

With Jackie gone, she took that dream with her, and the reality you’d suddenly give anything to have back. 

Your best friend was never coming back. You didn’t care about football, or Alexia, or tattoos, or any of it. You just wanted Jackie back. 

It wasn’t entirely clear to you when the tears had started, but you didn’t think they’d be stopping anytime soon, and it was starting to get dark out. Crying your eyes out under a tree in a park as the sun set below the horizon didn’t seem like a phenomenal plan. And though it felt like a gargantuan task, you sat up and took a few deep breaths. 

It wasn’t lost on you that while your entire argument hinged on being an adult, you were not acting like one right now. You swiped at your face, trying to rid it of tears while you pulled your phone out of your pocket. You had 15 missed calls from Alexia, 10 from Olga, and a handful from a few of your other teammates. It was mostly annoying, honestly, until you opened your text chain with Alexia. She was panicked to begin, beside herself after her 6th test. 

Come home, now.

We need to talk about this.

Tell me where you are, I will come get you.

Nena, this is not funny. Answer the phone.

I know you are upset with me, but you need to answer. Now.

Just tell me that you are safe, please.

Nena?

You felt bad for worrying Alexia, and disappearing, but somewhere in between your sadness and your guilt,  anger had taken root. Replying to Alexia over text, as opposed to calling her, was fueled by your anger. And maybe a bit of fear. 

It was a short walk home, not nearly enough time for you to rid your face of all evidence of your emotional breakdown. Maybe, though, Alexia would stop and listen, if she saw the state you were in. 

Gripping the knob in your hand, you took a deep breath. You pushed the door open warily, and Alexia stopped her pacing to turn just in time to see you walk into the house. You were still a bit tearful, and still very angry, but Alexia didn’t care. She crossed the room in a few long strides, placing her hands on both your cheeks. 

“Are you okay?” She asked urgently, eyes flitting over you to check for injuries. Honestly. You’d been gone for two hours. 

“I’m fine.” You snapped, shoving her hands away from your face. That was all it took for Alexia’s face to drop into one of anger. Or maybe, the anger was just veiling her hurt. Either way, she was suddenly just as furious as you. 

“What were you thinking? Running off like that, not telling me where you went. You are irresponsible and thoughtless, and this is exactly why you are not mature enough to be making permanent decisions about your body, like getting a tattoo. I am so angry with you, nena-” 

“Leave. Me. Alone.” You scowled, shoving Alexia’s hands even further away from you. “I am an adult,”

“Adults do not storm off for several hours. Adults do not act like you are acting, and I-”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about! You don’t understand!” You knew you sounded like a teenage cliche, but you were past caring. 

“I do understand. You want to feel like an adult, so you make a stupid decision you think is mature-”

“It’s not stupid.” You snapped, anger growing by the second. The insult felt like a knife to the chest. Your lemon tree wasn’t stupid, your Jackie wasn’t stupid. 

“Well, it wasn’t smart! You are going to regret this, look back on it and wish you hadn’t gotten a ridiculous, idiotic tattoo for no reason other than-”

“Shut up!” You yelled. “Shut up Alexia! You have no idea why I got it, you haven’t even asked, you don’t get to yell at me when you haven’t even tried to understand.”

Olga had moved to hover in the doorway, motioning wildly for Alexia to calm down. Alexia’s eye twitched, and she took a few calming breaths. “Then tell me. Help me understand.” 

You didn’t even want to tell her anymore. You didn’t care if she understood or if she forgave you or stayed mad at you forever. You didn’t care about anything. All the fight seemed to drain out of your body, eyes fixing on your shoes as you finally told the truth. 

“My best friend from home… she died, last week, while you were away. I got it for her.” 

Alexia’s jaw dropped in horror, regret hitting her like a train. God, what had she done?

“I… oh, nena. I’m so sorry.” 

“Don’t. I don’t need your pity, I just need you to leave me alone.” With that, you turned on your heel and headed for your room, 

—

You wished you didn’t need Alexia. You wished you could take the space you’d asked for, wished you could hold onto your anger and make her hurt the way she’d hurt you. As it was, though, you couldn’t. You managed 20 minutes alone in your room, sobbing into your pillow before you pulled your phone out. It was too much, it was all too much, and you knew that despite the colossal fight you’d just had with her, Alexia would want to help you. And you needed help.

Your breaths were coming in short gasps, spots dotting your vision. You weren’t even sure if you were still crying, or just hyperventilating, or maybe dying, but you had tried and failed to calm yourself down. You threw your pride to the side, and sent the text. 

Help please.

It had barely been marked delivered for a second before you heard Alexia’s thundering steps heading for the stairs, pounding up them, and then she was throwing your door open. She took one look at you before turning and shouting down the stairs to her girlfriend. 

“Olga, get her medicine from the cabinet please!” 

And then her hands were pulling yours away from your face, her comforting voice breaking through the deep ringing in your ears. 

“You’re okay, you’re okay. You just need to breathe, slow down and let yourself breathe.” She encouraged, shifting so that she was sat next to you. Her hand began to slide up and down your back, and you gripped at her free hand in panic. 

“I-I can’t-” 

Your captain shushed you softly, using her free hand to turn your face in her direction. “You can, just slow down, everything is okay.” 

How could she say that? How could anything be okay? 

“It hurts,” you sobbed, burying your face in your hands and leaning into Alexia’s embrace. 

“I know.” Her voice sounded choked up, her hands shaking just barely as she pulled you in tighter. “I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” 

Your chest burned with a need for oxygen, but just in time you heard footsteps rushing into the room, and Olga was pulling your hands away from your face, your anxiety medication in hand. Everything seemed slightly blurry, slightly out of focus, as you took the small pill and a sip of water from the glass in Olga’s hand. You could hear both of them talking, but the words weren’t processing in your head, which was pounding with an incessant headache suddenly. Flopping back onto the bed, you shut your eyes tightly, pressing the heels of your hands to your face. 

It seemed as though the unintelligible voices quieted, Alexia probably realizing you weren’t quite there with her anymore. You felt her grip your hand in hers, and you focused on the rise and fall of your chest, picturing your lungs steadily filling and emptying over and over until it no longer felt like someone had your chest in a vice. Alexia’s voice began to filter through again, soft reassurances whispered in the very quiet room. 

“You’re okay, hermanita.” Alexia murmured. She slipped and called you that sometimes; little sister. You pretended to hate it, normally, but now you just squeezed her hand tighter. 

 “You can breathe, you are safe.” Her voice was comforting in a way you couldn’t explain, washing over you and reinforcing the similar mantras you were repeating to yourself. You were okay. You could breathe. You were safe. 

Somehow, you felt yourself getting drowsy. Probably a combination of the anxiety medicine, the intense emotional stress of the day, and the fact that you’d barely slept the last few days. Eyes falling shut, you felt the bed shift next to you. Soon, a blanket was being draped over your body, a gentle kiss pressed to your forehead. 

“Rest, nena. I’ll be downstairs if you need me.” 

You let yourself drift off, hoping somewhere in your head that you’d dream of Jackie. 

—

It felt like hours had passed when you woke, and the numbers on the clock agreed with that sentiment. Your body felt stiff, your head still ached, but you didn’t feel as though you were suffocating anymore. Gingerly, you rose from your bed. You had to face the music; better to get it over with now than wait and make the anticipation worse. Unsure of what awaited you, you cautiously crept downstairs, hearing the soft murmur of several different voices. They fell quiet as you shuffled down the hall and turned into the living room, Finding Alexia and Mapi sitting in the armchairs next to the window. 

Wordlessly, you moved over to the sofa, falling down onto it and waiting for the impending… well, you weren’t sure. Maybe they’d yell. More likely they’d have a billion questions. You’d almost prefer the yelling. 

“Feeling better?” Alexia inquired, shifting in her chair to face you instead of Mapi. Her fading blonde hair was in a lopsided ponytail, as if she’d thrown it up while pacing, something you’d seen her do more than once. Mapi, too, looked stressed, her fingers fidgeting and pulling at her cuticles in her lap. 

“Yeah.” You shrugged. In a very general, baseline way, you supposed you did feel better.

It was quiet for a moment longer, and you really couldn’t take it anymore. The silence was heavy, weighted, and it was grating on your nerves. “Just you two here? I expected half the team.” 

Mapi, bless her, cracked a smile, but Alexia remained solemn. 

“They wanted to come, but we decided it would be better just us for now.” Mapi explained. You were about to reply with another quip when Alexia seemed to burst, unable to contain her questions for a moment longer. 

“Nena, why didn’t you tell me about your friend? Why didn’t you tell anyone about it?” 

You shrugged. “You were all busy with your national teams. I didn’t want to bother you, and you were all far away. I dealt with it myself, it’s fine.”

“It is not fine. You lost someone important to you, and you did not tell me. You did not tell Olga, you did not tell Mapi when you saw her. You were all alone dealing with this.” Alexia’s voice seemed to waver and you flinched. This was why you hadn’t said anything. You didn’t want to burden anyone else with your issue. 

‘Did you not think we’d care? I would have come home in an instant if you’d called–”

“I know you would’ve. I didn’t want you to.” You cut in, trying to assuage Alexia’s guilt, but somehow only making it worse. 

“But why?” 

“I just needed to… process. I need to figure it out, and I didn’t want to talk about it.” 

Alexia still looked bewildered, but Mapi was nodding sympathetically. 

“That’s okay. I know Ale is doing a really bad job of showing it but we aren’t mad at you. We are just worried, we just want to help.” 

You nodded mechanically, trying to swallow the lump in your throat. How you weren’t cried out to the point of dehydration, you weren’t sure. 

Alexia cleared her throat. “I.. I’m just so sorry. This was Jackie, yes? Your best friend?” 

Best friend. Yes, she was. She’d never be more than that. You’d lost the person you loved and your best friend in one fell swoop, and the agony of that reminder didn’t fail to bring tears to your eyes again. wordlessly, you nodded, resting your elbows on your knees and putting your face in your hands. 

You felt both Alexia and Mapi move closer, squeezing onto the sofa on either side of you, but the comfort suddenly felt suffocating. 

“Please, guys, just leave me alone. I just need a minute and I’ll get it together.” You mumbled, trying to stand and make a break for it. Two sets of hands pulled you back down, though. 

“No. You are crying, I am not going to leave you alone. I am going to sit right here. We can talk or we can just sit, but I am here for you, okay? You do not have to deal with this alone.” Alexia promised, her voice thick with emotion. Mapi’s hand rested on your back, hand running soothing circles over your shirt. 

It was at this moment that you knew you couldn’t keep it in any longer. try as you might, Alexia and Mapi weren’t leaving you to deal with this on your own, weren’t letting you deal with this on your own. You’d never been able to tell Jackie your true feelings. But they had to be shared, had to exist outloud or you were sure the love you had for her would fade in time, and you never wanted that to happen. 

“I loved her.” You admitted quietly. 

“I know. She was your best friend–” Mapi soothed, squeezing your knee with her free hand. 

You interrupted her, pulling your hands from your face and looking between your teammates with bloodshot eyes. “No. I.. I loved her.” 

Mapi and Alexia froze almost simultaneously, matching shocked looks etched into their faces. Then, Alexia was wrapping her arms so tight around you that it hurt, pulling you into her. 

“Oh, nena.” She whispered. 

You were crying again before you could even try to stop it. 

“I never got to tell her. She never knew. And now she’s gone, and she’ll never know.” 

It was too much pain for one person to carry, more than both Alexia and María knew they’d be able to handle well. And you were so young, and so shattered. They didn’t have the right words to fix this, at least they didn’t think they did. All they could do was try. 

“She knows now. She knows how much you love her now.” María said quietly. 

Your bottom lip quivered as you looked at her, so much hope in your eyes that Mapi almost cried herself. 

“Do you think so?” Maybe you were desperate to believe anything that would make you feel better, at this point. But you didn’t really care. 

“She knows.” Alexia affirmed. 

Nodding shakily, you fixed your gaze on the fluffy white carpet underneath you. “I don’t know how to do any of this without her. I don’t want to.” 

Your teammates sighed, exchanging a glance as they shifted closer to you. 

“I don’t know how to help you.” Alexia admitted. “But we’re going to figure it out together, sí? Whatever you need, however you need to process this. We’re here. You aren’t alone, pequeña.” 

Mapi hummed her agreement, and you seemed to relax for the first time all day. Perhaps this whole time, that was all you needed to hear. 

That even if no one could make it better with a snap of their fingers, you weren’t alone. 

You settled back onto the couch, squished in between your two teammates, somehow knowing that fact, even if they hadn’t said it. 

Nothing was fixed, your very soul still hurt. But you weren’t alone. 

—

i did not proofread and i dont love the ending but here we are! i hope you enjoy <3

[meazalykov]

benched and broken

lynn wilms x reader series

last chapter - next chapter

chapter six

this morning you woke up with a heavy weight on your chest, a tightness that had settled there overnight, suffocating and unrelenting. 

sunlight crept through the cracks in the curtains, but it only served to make everything feel worse. it was too bright, too loud, too much.  

your phone sat on the nightstand, screen dimmed, waiting for you to reach for it. when you finally did, you regretted it almost instantly. the first thing that flashed across your screen once you clicked on instagram was a picture posted by katie. your old arsenal teammate katie. 

it is a photo of your old arsenal teammates gathered together, smiling, arms draped around each other at the training ground. at first, it was just the usual pang of nostalgia, but then your eyes caught the caption.  

“new era, new beginnings. we are glad to have you here officially, renee!”  

your chest tightened. renee, your old assistant coach, the one person who had always stepped in to shield you from jonas' constant berating. she was the assistant coach who would pull you aside after those brutal sessions and tell you that you were good enough, that jonas didn’t see the full picture.  

now she is the head coach at arsenal.  

you blinked hard, trying to stop the spiraling thoughts, but they were already there, clawing their way to the surface.  

what if jonas had left months ago? 

would you still be at arsenal? would you still have viv nearby, your closest friend, within walking distance whenever you needed someone to talk to? the familiar ache of missing her twisted in your stomach.  

you let the phone drop onto the bed, staring up at the ceiling. the memories came flooding back … sitting on the arsenal bench game after game, never given the chance you deserved, feeling like dead weight. jonas’ voice still echoed in your head, sharp and cold.  

"this is why you don’t start. mistakes like that.”  

"you’re lucky i am not throwing you to the B team right now." 

the worst part? you believed him.  

it wasn’t just the past dragging you down. last night’s champions league match against roma was still fresh in your mind. wolfsburg had won, yes, but all you could focus on was that one mistake… the one that kept the clean sheet from happening.  

it was the 83rd minute. jule had passed you the ball under pressure and you miscontrolled it, letting it slip past you. roma capitalized instantly, scoring a meaningless goal, but it didn’t feel meaningless to you. 

you’d been mortified, your face flushed as you jogged back to your position, trying to act like it didn’t matter.  

it did.  

now, as you sat on your bed, the weight of that error combined with the arsenal memories felt unbearable.  

the notification for the starting lineup against lyon for the next group stage game came through just after breakfast. you hesitated before opening it, but deep down, you already knew.  

your name wasn’t there. you were benched.  

your chest caved in.  

is that mistake against roma going to cost me here like it would’ve at arsenal?  

the thoughts spiraled. am i even a good player?  

you arrived at the stadium quiet, head down, hoodie pulled up to avoid eye contact. the locker room was filled with positive energy unlike your negative ones. all of your teammates are talking , laughing, hyping each other up. you barely registered any of it. you sat at your spot, tying your cleats with trembling fingers, hyper-aware that you weren’t starting.  

ari sat down next to you, her hand brushing your arm gently.  

“hey,” she said, her spanish accented voice soft, “you okay?”  

you forced a smile, trying to sound casual. 

“yeah, i’m fine.”  

ari didn’t look convinced. her brows furrowed, but she didn’t push. 

“okay. just… if you need anything, you know any of us are here.”  

“thank you,” you murmured, but your voice was hollow.  

the match kicked off, and you watched from the bench as wolfsburg battled lyon… your heart heavy as you saw sofia and lindsey out there, your national teammates now playing against you.  

lynn was on the pitch, of course, playing the full 90. the both of you played the same position. she was everywhere, her speed noticeable. you couldn’t help but watch her, your chest tightening further. 

you wanted to be out there too, contributing and actually changing your own mind about your stance as a player, not sitting useless on the sidelines.  

the final whistle blew, a hard-fought draw, and you hadn’t played a single minute.  

after the game, as you walked onto the field to see your teammates, sofia caught your eye.  

“hey,” she called, jogging over with lindsey in tow.  

“hey,” you said, forcing a smile that didn’t reach your eyes.  

“you okay?” lindsey asked, glancing at you with concern. 

both of the lyon players looked with concern. 

“yeah, just… tough game,” you lied.  

both of them looked at you for a moment longer, as if they wanted to say more, but they didn’t push. they just gave you tight hugs before heading back to their team.  

you trudged into the locker room, feeling like a ghost.  

before you could sit down, sveindís was there, wrapping her arms around you tightly.  

“i know why you’re upset,” she whispered against your shoulder, “but you know you’re still one of us. you do belong here.”  

you felt your throat tighten, but you just hugged her back, eyes burning.  

the rest of the team was talking, some laughing, some talking about post-game plans, but you sat there, staring at your cleats, feeling like the world was caving in.  

when the locker room had emptied out a bit, you felt someone sit beside you. lynn.  

“y/n,” she said gently, placing a hand on your back. “what’s going on?”  

you shook your head, swallowing hard. 

“nothing. i’m fine.”  

she didn’t buy it.  

the dutch woman’s hand slid up, resting softly on your upper back, and she leaned in, her voice low. 

“please don’t lie to me.”  

your defenses crumbled at her touch, her closeness. the warmth of her hand grounded you, and the tears you’d been holding back finally started to sting.  

“it’s just…” you started, your voice cracking, “i made one mistake. just one. and now i’m benched again. it feels like arsenal all over again. this is so ridiculous because i know i cannot start every time but i start to feel like… like i’m not good enough.”  

lynn’s brows furrowed, and she shifted closer, her arm now wrapping around your shoulders.  

“arsenal?” she asked softly.  

you exhaled shakily, wiping your face with the sleeve of your hoodie. 

“yeah. i… i never really told anyone, but jonas… he was horrible to me. i was benched all the time. even for tiny mistakes. and he made me feel like i was useless. like i’d never be good enough. he would always make sure i knew that too…”  

lynn’s arm tightened around you.  

“you’re nothing like that here,” she said firmly, her dutch accent stronger. 

“you belong here. and no one, i mean no one, is judging you for that mistake against. not even close. all of us have done worse.”  

you felt someone else sit down on your other side, poppi. sveindís stood nearby, watching you with soft eyes.  

“we’ve got your back and we do love you here already,” alex said, her voice strong but kind. 

“this isn’t arsenal. we and even the coaches don’t tear each other down here.”  

sveindís knelt in front of you, grabbing your hands. 

“you’re at wolfsburg now, y/n. mistakes happen. we all make them but we grow from them together and move on.”  

tears slipped down your cheeks, but you didn’t feel as alone anymore.  

lynn, still holding you close, pressed a gentle kiss to your temple, the same spot she had just days ago.  

“you’ll never go through that alone again,�� she whispered.  

you closed your eyes, the warmth of lynn’s touch seeping into you, grounding you.  

you felt lynn’s arms still wrapped around you, her hands resting above your hips as if anchoring you there. the woman’s coconut scent filled your senses, calming you in a way you hadn’t expected.  

“thank you,” you whispered, your voice still shaky but full of gratitude.  

lynn held you tighter. 

“always.”  

next part here

[meazalykov]

I AM SO OBSESSED WITH THIS OH MY GOD

Best Mate (georgia stanway x reader) 

Summary: Georgia is your entire world, the love of your life. But you’re probably never going to be more than just her best mate.

(aka 12k words of angst and pining)

———

You’ve known Georgia since you were eleven.

Thirteen years in which you’ve been the closest of friends, through ups and downs. Thirteen years of playing for the same football teams, of carpooling to training and movie nights after matches and sharing rooms on away trips. Thirteen years, basically, in which you could have fallen in love with each other.

There’s a strange kind of irony, a punishment from the fates, that the first time you start to think of Georgia as anything more than your best mate is about three weeks before she moves to Germany.

You blame the Euros, naturally. That’s where you start to catch feelings. A long pre-Euro preparation camp, followed by weeks of heightened emotions as the Lionesses progress further and further into the tournament. It’s been a bonding experience for you all and you’re far closer to all the girls than you were a couple of months ago, but there’s been a shift in your relationship with Georgia specifically that you can’t quite explain.

It’s after the game against Spain that you first notice it. After coming back from behind, Georgia is the one who scores the winner to send you through to the semi finals and it might be the best goal you’ve ever had the pleasure of seeing live. It’s not just the goal - you’ve seen Georgia score screamers from outside the box on countless other occasions in your thirteen years of friendship - but the significance too.

It’s after this game that you actually start to believe you can win the whole tournament, that nothing is going to stop you until you get your hands on the silverware. And that belief starts with Georgia’s goal.

“I fucking love you, G!” you tell her in the dressing room after the game, still riding the euphoric high of beating Spain in such dramatic fashion.

Georgia grins at you.

“I love you too.”

Her words make you feel warm inside but you put it down to being happy about the result.

It’s not until later, lying alone in your bed back at the team hotel, unable to sleep because you’re still so pumped up from one hundred and twenty minutes of difficult football, that you hear Georgia’s words over and over again in your head and realise what it means.

I love you too.

Shit. You’re falling in love with Georgia Stanway. Your best mate.

What a cliche.

But you’ve spent thirteen years of friendship not being in love with Georgia. It should be pretty easy to brush any hypothetical feelings aside. Right?

———

It’s not. 

Actually, it turns out that acknowledging you have feelings for Georgia only makes them grow more.

You sit next to her on the coach on the way back from Bramall Lane after beating Sweden in the semi final. Around you, the whole team is jubilant, but all you can think about is how you can smell Georgia’s shampoo and feel the warmth of her thigh pressing into yours.

Shit, you’ve got it bad.

“We’re going to Wembley,” Georgia says. “Can you believe it?”

“Stuff of dreams, right?” you grin at her.

“And I get to do it with my best mate.”

The words ‘best mate’, while true, are like a knife to your heart and you’re reminded that you’ll only ever be Georgia’s best mate.

You try to shake yourself out of it. You’ve been Georgia’s friend for over a decade, you can keep being her friend, no problems at all. Because surely it’s better to be her friend than to risk messing things up and being nothing at all?

Except that she moves to Munich in two weeks. What if she loves it there, what if she prefers her new teammates to the old ones, what if she has such a good time there that she completely forgets about her old life in Manchester?

And you hate yourself for even thinking that. Georgia deserves to be happy. You know how excited she is to move abroad, how much she’s looking forward to the challenge of playing for a new team in a new league after spending so long at Manchester City. As her friend, you want the best for her, you want her to thrive in the new environment and be happy with her Bayern teammates as she settles into life in Munich.

You just hope that she doesn’t forget about you in the process.

“You’re quiet,” Georgia says, drawing you out of your own thoughts. “Wanna talk about it?”

You shrug, then give a half truth.

“Just trying to soak this moment in,” you tell her. “This feels special. No matter what happens in the final, I don’t want to forget the feeling of being part of this team.”

“I’m never gonna forget this,” Georgia says, sinking into your side and when she lets her head fall against your shoulder, you allow yourself just the briefest moment to imagine that she’s talking about this exact moment on the bus with you, not the summer of incredible football. “Would be pretty cool to win the damn thing though, right? One more trophy together before I leave.”

You never want this summer to end. Because as soon as it ends, Georgia leaves and you lose your best mate. You lose the person you’re in love with.

You have a feeling that this moment is going to be one that you come back to over and over again when you’re missing her, and you try even harder to commit every detail to memory.

———

Inevitably, the tournament does come to an end, but in the blur of playing an intense final at Wembley, winning said final, and the celebrations that continue long into the night, you almost forget that this is one of your last nights together with Georgia before she leaves for Germany.

Eventually, you and Georgia find your way back to each other, as you always seem to do. You have no idea what time it is, no idea how many drinks you’ve had, but it’s the early hours of the morning and most friends and family have either left or gone to bed, leaving just the players to continue their celebrations. You can still hear distant music and the occasional shout from downstairs, but you end up on the carpeted floor of a deserted hallway, side by side with Georgia. You’re sitting so close that the thighs of your outstretched legs are touching, and Georgia leans her head on your shoulder. You're holding hands too, though you don’t know who initiates that. Maybe it just happened because it felt right.

“I’m so proud of you, G,” you tell her, tracing your thumb across the back of her hand. “For everything - for today, for everything you did at City, for choosing to take a leap in your career.”

Georgia has hardly spoken about her impending transfer since it was announced, not while she’s been so focused on the tournament, and other than a couple of jokes this evening hoping that her new teammates will still welcome her after beating so many of them today, it’s been easy to pretend that she’s not about to move to another country. But now that the tournament is over, you have to face up to the reality sooner or later that your best friend is about to spread her wings and embark on a new journey that doesn’t involve you.

“Stop it, you’re gonna make me cry. And we’re supposed to be happy right now. We’re supposed to be celebrating.”

“I’m gonna miss you though. Bayern are lucky to have you.”

Your hand is still in Georgia’s, fingers linked together, though you don’t remember how it happened, whether it was you who took her hand or her who took yours. But her skin is so soft, especially on the back of her hand where you trace mindless patterns with your thumb.

“You’re still gonna be my favourite though, you know that right?” Georgia promises you.

“I am?” you ask, turning your head to look at her.

“Yeah, you’re my day one. Even when we live in different countries. I’m still gonna be talking to you every day.”

“I’m gonna be thinking about you every day,” you confess. “Every second, even.”

It’s only after the words slip from your lips that you realise you might have said too much, that you’re getting dangerously close to telling Georgia about the feelings that you promised yourself that you were going to keep secret.

“Yeah?” Georgia asks, her voice barely more audible than a whisper.

And just like the hand-holding, you have no idea who initiates what comes next, you’re just aware that your lips are on Georgia’s, or maybe hers are on yours, but who the fuck cares who leant in first when it feels this damn good.

Her lips are as soft as her hands, softer maybe, and she tastes like a combination of the free beer you’ve been drinking all night and something else, maybe optimism, if such a thing has a taste. But you’re very quickly unable to process much at all, senses overwhelmed, because Georgia is kissing you. Georgia, who you’ve been friends with since you were awkward teenagers with spotty faces and bruised knees, whose kisses are like a drug that you’re surely going to get addicted to because how could you not want to do this forever?

Just when you’re considering the logistics of pulling Georgia into your lap to continue this further, she pulls away from you, giggling as she wipes at her lips with captivating fingers.

“Shit, I’ve had way too much to drink,” Georgia says. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

She leans her head back against the wall behind you both, her eyes closed, and you try to keep yourself together, though your heart feels like a fragile sheet of glass that could shatter under even the tiniest amount of pressure.

“It’s fine,” you tell her, even though your lips still burn from her kiss. Even though you’re probably never going to be the same again. “We’re both drunk.”

———

The next morning, Georgia is wearing the most ridiculous pair of sunglasses you’ve ever seen, so huge that they mask half her entire face, but maybe that’s the intention because when she sits down next to you on the coach that’s supposed to take you to Trafalgar Square, she lets out a groan and says, “I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungover in my life.”

“I think I’m still drunk,” you admit. Your head isn’t pounding, it’s just swimming, the alcohol not yet worn off out of your system. It’ll hit you at some point today, you’re sure of that, and it’ll be torture. 

“Did I kiss you last night?” Georgia asks, pushing the sunglasses up onto the top of her head and frowning quizzically at you.

The way she asks, it’s almost like she doesn’t quite remember, and that stings a little. It’s pretty much the only thing you’ve thought about in the five drunken hours since it happened.

“Oh,” you say, trying to sound just as casual about it as Georgia does. “Yeah. I’d forgotten about that until you mentioned it.”

The lie is easy because there’s no way that you’re going to admit how affected you are by something as simple as the memory of her lips on yours.

“Yeah, sorry about that,” Georgia grimaces. “Emotional day, and all that. We’re still cool, aren’t we?”

“Course we are,” you answer, and it’s mostly the truth - Georgia could commit a serious crime and you’d still think she was the best person on earth.

She’s got no reason to know the depth of your feelings for her, no reason to understand that kissing you might have done more damage than if you’d never got the chance to feel Georgia’s lips against yours at all.

———

You decide to confide in Keira.

“I think I’m in love with Georgia,” you confess, during pre-season, still ignoring the rumours that Keira might be moving abroad soon too.

“Our Georgia?” she asks for clarification, as if the idea is so ridiculous that she can’t quite believe what you’re telling her. “Georgia Stanway?”

You nod, and Keira presses on with her next question.

“Have you told her?” she asks.

“Why would I do that?” you scoff.

“Why wouldn’t you? What have you got to lose?”

“Only thirteen years of friendship,” you point out.

“Obviously it’s your decision, but worst case scenario she doesn’t feel the same and things carry on as normal.”

“Worst case scenario I lose one of the longest friendships I’ve got,” you interject to correct Keira.

“G’s not like that though,” Keira dismisses your worries with a wave of her hand. “She wouldn’t just cast you aside because of something like this. Anyway, she’s in a different country now. By the time you next see each other she’ll have forgotten all about it and things will be back to normal.”

“I’ll think about it.”

———

You do think about it. In fact, it’s pretty much all you think about.

One international break passes, then another, without you saying anything to Georgia about how you feel. You’re practically glued to her side for the whole of both camps, or maybe she’s glued to yours, because you somehow seem to end up alongside her even when you’re making an effort to not seem like you’re obsessed with her.

That plan clearly isn’t working, because on the penultimate night of the second international break, Keira brings it up when the two of you are alone.

“You’re not being subtle,” she tells you.

“Huh?”

“About G,” she explains. “If you think it’s not obvious you have feelings for her, you’re wrong.”

“Yeah but I’ve told you,” you point out, in a half-hearted attempt to justify the way you’ve probably been staring at Georgia with huge puppy dog eyes for the last week. “You know what you’re looking for.”

“Have you told Leah?” Keira asks, arching an eyebrow. “Because she asked me yesterday if you and Georgia were closer than usual so she’s noticed something too.”

“What did you say?” you demand, your eyes widening in panic.

“Don’t worry, I told her you used to be inseparable at City and that you probably just missed seeing each other every day. I think she bought it.”

You relax, or at least you try to, because if Keira says it’s obvious and even Leah has noticed your heart-eyes, then it can’t be long before Georgia herself realises, and then she’ll surely want to distance herself from you.

“Just talk to her,” Keira pleads with you. “You’re one of my best mates too and I hate seeing you like this. Even if nothing happens between you and Georgia, at least you’ll get closure by talking to her.”

You know that Keira is right. You’ve known Georgia for so long that you’d like to hope she won’t make things weird if you tell her how you feel and she doesn’t feel the same. You need an answer, so you can get over your feelings if nothing is ever going to happen.

And you fully intend to talk to her on the last night of camp. But you have a game tomorrow so you decide not to say anything for the risk of somehow upsetting the equilibrium of the team, and then before you know it Georgia is on a plane back to Munich while you return to Manchester and still nothing has been said.

Another time.

In the meantime, your heart continues to ache for something you’ll probably never get to have.

———

You’ll tell her when she comes home for Christmas, that’s what you decide. No England camp, no training or matches to use as an excuse for not telling her how you feel. Just two old friends catching up on what’s been going on in their lives - and so what if one of the most important thing that’s going on in yours is the depth of the feelings you currently have for your best friend?

You’re nervous for two full days before you see Georgia, your heart pounding each time you think of the enormity of the conversation you need to have with her. Telling her how you feel could change everything for better or for worse and even right up to the moment when you’re on your way to meet her, you’re still not sure if you have the courage to actually tell her.

You meet Georgia for lunch at Jill’s coffee shop, because Georgia’s only in Manchester for a few days before she jets off to Barcelona to see Keira and she wants to see as many people as she can while she’s back, but once you’ve both shared a bit of playful banter with Jill when she brings you your food and drinks, the two of you are left alone in a quiet corner of the shop.

“I’ve been dying to tell you something,” Georgia says, almost as soon as Jill leaves you alone. “I was gonna text you but I really wanted to tell you in person.”

She loves you too. That’s the first conclusion that your brain jumps to, because you can’t think of anything else she might have to tell you that’s important enough to be said face-to-face rather than over the phone.

She loves you too. She loves you t-

“I’m seeing someone,” Georgia announces.

And just like that, your heart shatters into a million tiny pieces.

She doesn’t love you.

“You are?” you ask, trying not to let the pain show on your face - this is supposed to be your best friend telling you that she’s found somebody, after all, and if you weren’t hopelessly in love with Georgia yourself, you’d surely be happy about this development in her life.

“Yeah, a guy back in Germany. His name’s Nico - he’s one of Syd’s mates so I met him through her. It’s still really new, like he’s not my boyfriend or anything, but we’ve been on a couple of dates and I think it’s going pretty well.”

“Cool,” you say, and then immediately kick yourself, because what kind of heartless idiot says cool when their best friend announces they’re dating someone, which is why you add, “I’m so happy for you.”

There’s a degree of truth to your words. Though on a selfish level you want Georgia to reciprocate your feelings and be happy with you, that’s not very likely to happen when you’re too much of a coward to tell her how you feel and obviously the most important thing is that Georgia is happy with whoever she chooses. You just hope that if it can’t be with you, that this Nico guy at least treats her well and gives her the happiness she deserves.

“Anyway, what’s going on with you?” Georgia asks, taking a sip of her hot chocolate. “Any big life updates?”

If there was ever a moment to tell Georgia that you’re in love with her, it would be now, when she’s inviting you to open up about what’s been going on in your life. But Georgia is clearly excited about this guy that she’s dating, or else she wouldn’t have waited until she saw you in person before making it the first thing she brought up, and what kind of friend would you be if you tried to ruin that for your own selfish reasons?

“Nothing much,” you answer with a shrug. “Nothing as exciting as your news. Anyway, tell me about Munich. Are the German lessons still kicking your arse?”

———

Keira calls you a few days later, when you know that Georgia is in Barcelona too, probably sharing the same news about her dating life with Keira that she told you the other day.

“You’ve seen G, then?” she asks, once you’ve caught up on your own lives.

“Yeah, we had lunch together a few days ago.”

“Did she tell you…?”

“About her new boyfriend?” you interject, completing Keira’s question. “Yeah.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Keira asks.

You can practically hear the pity in her voice and it cuts you almost as much as Georgia’s news about her dating life.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” you try to dismiss it quickly, before you end up getting upset, or angry, or both. “She’s happy, that’s all that matters. I missed my chance.”

“Did you ever tell her?”

Keira doesn’t need to elaborate on exactly what she’s asking about and for that you’re grateful.

“No,” you answer. “But it’s too late now anyway.”

“I don’t think it is,” Keira counters. “It doesn’t sound very serious yet with this German guy.”

“Keira, if there was any chance she felt the same she’d have told me.”

“You mean like you’ve told her how you feel?” Keira asks.

Though you can’t actually see Keira’s face, you can picture it, one eyebrow arched at you and mouth twitching at the corners as she calls you out.

“It’s different,” you try to argue. “She wouldn’t be dating someone else if she had feelings for me.”

“Well if you aren’t ever going to tell her, maybe you should think about dating someone else. You know, a couple of the Barca girls are single. If you don’t mind the distance, I could put in a good word for you.”

There’s only one person you’d be willing to put in the effort required for a successful long distance relationship, and it’s Georgia. Besides, while Keira’s right that you’ll have to think about dating someone else eventually, it doesn’t feel fair to mess with somebody else’s feelings before you’ve at least tried to put your feelings for Georgia behind you.

“I’m good, thanks Ke,” you promise Keira.

“Well if you change your mind…”

“I’ll let you know as soon as I do.”

———

You don’t change your mind. Not about being willing for Keira to set you up with one of her club teammates, at least. You do, however, reconsider your decision not to tell Georgia about how you feel.

What can the harm be? If anything, the German boyfriend is a safety net because you have less optimism that Georgia feels the same, fully prepared for her to let you down. 

You phone Georgia when she’s back in Germany in January, entering the conversation with your heart already wrapped in bubble-wrap, in theory protected from being broken.

“Hey G, are you busy?”

“I’m never too busy to talk to you,” Georgia replies.

Your heart soars, giving you the courage to say, “Cool, well there’s actually something I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Go on, I’m listening.”

“I was gonna say something when you were back in England but then you … well, you had your news and I didn’t want to ruin that.”

You pause and take a deep breath, glad that you’re doing this over the phone so that Georgia can’t see the sheer physical anguish you’re going through to psych yourself up to tell her this.

“I love you.”

There’s a moment of silence on the other end of the phone, then Georgia speaks.

“Aw, you big softie,” she teases you. “Love you too.”

You close your eyes and pinch the bridge of your nose. Part of you wants to leave it there, the idea of having to correct Georgia’s misunderstanding somehow even worse than having to admit you love her in the first place, but you can hear Keira’s voice in your head telling you to grow a pair and tell Georgia how you really feel.

“No, I … I mean that I love you,” you clarify. “Not just as a friend. Like, I’m properly in love with you.”

“Oh,” Georgia says. There’s silence on the other end of the line as she processes what you’ve told her, before she eventually repeats, “Oh. Shit, okay.”

It’s not exactly the reaction you were hoping for and though you’d prepared yourself for probable rejection, you couldn’t actually have prepared for the punch in the gut that is the pure surprise from Georgia, as if the idea of there being anything more than friendship between the two of you is so far-removed that she’s never once even considered the possibility.

“Forget I said anything,” you say quickly, eager to put this torturous ordeal behind you. “I’m just being stupid. It’s nothing I can’t get over.”

“No, wait!” Georgia blurts out. “It’s not stupid. It’s just … unexpected, I guess. You’ve surprised me, that’s all.”

“I’m sorry,” you mumble.

“No, don’t apologise! I’m glad you told me. The thing is, I do love you too. Just as a friend.”

And despite all the preparation you did beforehand to try to protect yourself from the pain of inevitable rejection, hearing Georgia confirm aloud what you already knew still causes your heart to splinter into tiny pieces. 

“Okay,” you say, trying to swallow the lump that’s formed in your throat. “That’s what I needed to hear. Now I can move on. And I understand if you don’t want anything to do with me-”

“Are you kidding?” Georgia interrupts you. “This doesn’t change anything. It takes courage to tell someone how you feel. I’m not gonna punish you for that. Anyway, you’ll always be super important to me. So unless you need a bit of space…?”

“No,” you’re quick to say. “I don’t need space.”

“Then you’re not getting rid of me anytime soon,” Georgia reassures you.

A single tear spills from your eye and you wipe it away quickly, even though Georgia can’t see you, because you’re worried that if you let it trickle the whole way down your cheek, it’ll be followed by a flood. The only thing that could make this more embarrassing that it already is would be if you burst into tears and Georgia heard you crying.

“Thanks, G.”

———

“I hate to admit it, but you were right,” you tell Keira, as you make your way out to the training pitch at St George’s Park on the first morning of the February international break, a few weeks on from telling Georgia how you feel - how you felt. “I just needed closure.”

“From Georgia?” Keira asks for clarification.

“Yeah. It turns out that finding out she doesn’t feel the same was a really quick way to shut down whatever stupid feelings I thought I had for her.”

“I think you’re being hard on yourself. It’s not stupid to catch feelings, especially for someone like G.”

“It was just emotion from the Euros,” you try to explain. “Then the distance. I was missing her. I got a bit carried away, that’s all. Anyway, she’s got her German guy now.”

“Not anymore,” Keira tells you. “That fizzled out a while ago.”

“It did?” you ask, your head jerking up in surprise when you hear the news. “She never told me that.”

“Yeah, well…” Keira trails off with a grimace, and you don’t need her to finish her sentence to understand what she’s saying.

“Right.”

You probably sacrificed your right to hear about Georgia’s personal life when you attempted to insert yourself into it by confessing your feelings for her. And if you’re completely honest, though you still talk to Georgia pretty often, there has been a slight shift in what you talk about, more superficial football chat and fewer deep conversations about all the other stuff going on in your lives.

Not for the first time since telling Georgia how you felt, you wonder if admitting your feelings was the wrong decision after all.

You hear footsteps behind you, the telltale sound of studs against concrete, and you turn to see Georgia, who inserts herself between you and Keira and drapes an arm around each of your shoulders.

“Hey guys, whatcha talking about?”

“The weather,” Keira is quick to save you the turmoil of having to come up with a lie yourself. “Thought it was cold in Barcelona at this time of year but I’d forgotten how much worse it is in England.”

“This?” Georgia scoffs, gesturing at the bleak grey sky above. “It’s tanning weather. I don’t know what you’re complaining about.”

“You’re mad,” Keira says, shaking her head as she eyes up Georgia’s bare arms.

“Not mad,” Georgia counters with a grin. “Just happy to be back in England with my best mates.”

You don’t know how it makes you feel, hearing Georgia refer to you as a “best mate” again. She’s clearly making an effort to make sure you know that nothing has changed, that your sudden confession of feelings a few weeks ago hasn’t made Georgia think any differently of you than she thinks of Keira. But it still stings a little, all those hours spent wondering what if and picturing a hypothetical parallel universe in which Georgia returns your affection coming to nothing.

In the back of your mind, it registers that a public friendzoning shouldn’t hurt if you were as over your feelings for Georgia as you claimed to Keira that you were, but you push that thought down for now.

———

You don’t actually speak to Georgia alone until later, hanging out in one of the communal recreation areas during the free time you get between a gym session and dinner.

“I meant what I said earlier,” Georgia says. “It’s good to be back together again. And we haven’t seen each other in person since…”

Georgia trails off, leaving you to fill in the rest yourself.

Deciding that the best way to get past the slight awkwardness is just to acknowledge exactly what happened and laugh it off, you say, “Since I told you I liked you?”

Georgia’s eyes widen, slightly surprised that you’re so blasé about the situation, but she passes it off quickly and says, “Yeah.”

“I’m sorry if I put you in a weird position,” you apologise. “I just needed to say something, even if you didn’t feel the same way, for peace of mind, you know? Just feelings that had been brewing under the surface since the emotion of the Euros…”

“Since the Euros?” Georgia interjects, surprised once again.

“Yeah, but I don’t feel that way anymore,” you continue, fully aware of the fact that your cheeks are starting to heat up with embarrassment. “I got closure and I moved on. I hope things can go back to normal between us.”

Georgia hesitates for a second, like she’s still trying to process everything, before her face splits open into a huge grin.

“Yeah, of course. Nothing’s changed at all.”

You try to remember what normal friends who haven’t admitted feelings for each other talk about, and your mind immediately wanders to the guy she told you about when she was last home. The guy that, if Keira is to be believed, is no longer in the picture.

“How’s it going with that guy you’re dating?” you ask, already knowing the answer but wanting to hear it from Georgia too.

“Nico? I’m not seeing him anymore. Like he was nice, but he was … I don’t know, he was just nice. There was no real spark, or nothing.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.”

It’s partially true. If you can’t have Georgia yourself, you want her to be happy with somebody, though you’d be lying if you said you hadn’t done some social media stalking after she told you about him and he didn’t seem like anybody particularly remarkable. In a way, it’s a relief to hear that confirmed by Georgia herself.

“Nah, it’s fine,” Georgia says, dismissing your words with a casual wave of her hand. “It wasn’t serious anyway. And I wanted to tell you it was over but I didn’t know how. I didn’t want you to think I was messing with your feelings, or anything.”

“I get it,” you assure Georgia. “But you don’t have to worry about that. There aren’t any feelings to mess with anymore. That’s all behind me.”

Georgia narrows her eyes just slightly, like she’s not quite sure she believes you, but it passes so quickly that you might have imagined it.

“Cool,” Georgia says. “Anyway, did you see that worldie I scored in training earlier?”

And so the conversation moves on, back to normal with your best friend.

———

It does go back to how it was before, for which you’re relieved. Your biggest worry about admitting your feelings for Georgia was that it would ruin your friendship if she didn’t reciprocate, so you’re glad that you’re still just as close as you were before Christmas.

The problem is that now you’re back to talking to Georgia all the time, whether that’s messaging each other, ganging up together on Leah in the group chat, or FaceTiming to have a general catch up about life, you’re starting to realise that maybe you’re not over your feelings for her after all.

Can you really be blamed? Georgia is like a human ray of sunshine, lighting up your world with her silly jokes and beautiful smile, even from another country.

Surely everybody who meets Georgia falls a little bit in love with her?

Still, Georgia has made it pretty clear that your relationship is never going to move beyond friends, and you’re content to have her in your life in whatever way she’ll allow you, even if you’re still harbouring feelings for her.

You don’t tell Keira either. She asks you about Georgia a couple of times, just casual questions in passing which you respond to with reassurances that you’re getting along like old friends again, that her rejection was enough to extinguish your feelings. If there’s one thing that’s more humiliating than admitting to your best friend that you’re in love with her only to be turned down, it’s having to deal with the constant pity of another friend concerned about a possible broken heart. So you tell Keira that everything is fine and she seems to believe you.

It is fine. You are fine.

(And if you tell yourself that enough times, one day it’ll eventually become true.)

———

You have a plan.

And it’s not a plan that you’re making because you’re in love with Georgia. It’s a plan for your best mate who lives abroad and you miss dearly.

So when Georgia’s Bayern Munich team draws Arsenal in the quarter final of the Champions League, you go straight to the airport from training on the day of the match and catch the next flight to Munich to watch her play.

As you sit next to Georgia’s mum in the stadium, who makes a comment about how nice it is that her daughter’s best friend has flown all the way from Manchester just to support her in one game, you try telling yourself that you’re not just here for Georgia, that you know Leah and Lotte and several of the other Arsenal girls and you’ve come to watch them too, but as the game progresses you’re only really watching one person. 

You’ve always known that Georgia is good - you’ve played alongside her for more than a decade at England age groups and then at City, watched her put in tackles that others wouldn’t dare to try and score goals from outside the box that would make anybody drool. But there’s a big difference between seeing Georgia play in training or when you’re on the same team as her, and actually watching her play. It’s an exciting match, a close match, with good performances from players on both sides, but you watch Georgia far more than any other players, your eyes tracking her even when she’s off the ball.

Bayern come away with the win, though only just, and you’re already trying to figure out whether you can make it down to London and back in a single night next week for the second leg that promises to be as exciting as the first. For the quality of football, you tell yourself, not just for another chance to see the best friend that you miss terribly.

You watch as Georgia greets the fans, smiling for pictures and signing shirts in the process, slowly making her way along the edge of the pitch until she reaches the area where you are. Her eyes search the crowd, no doubt looking for her mum, but she does a double take when she spots you and you carefully manoeuvre your way forward until you’re close enough to talk to her.

“What are you doing here?” Georgia asks, disbelief in her eyes.

“I’m here to see Leah,” you joke.

“Oh, I’ll just go and fetch her for you then, shall I?” Georgia grins at you. “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”

“Have you never heard of a surprise?”

Georgia just rolls her eyes.

“How long are you here for?” she asks.

“Just tonight,” you answer. “I managed to convince Gareth to let me have tomorrow off training so I fly back first thing. I wish I could stay longer, but we’ve got a league game at the weekend.”

“Are you coming next week?” Georgia asks. “To the second leg? At the Emirates?”

“Do you want me to come?”

Georgia nods enthusiastically and says, “Yeah, course I do.” She pauses, then adds, “Only if you want to, though. I know it’s a long way to travel.”

“I’ll be there,” you promise. A wicked smile spreads across your face as you add, “To see Leah again, of course.”

Georgia rolls her eyes and says, “Dickhead.”

“Be nice, Georgia,” Georgia’s mum interjects. “She’s come all this way to see you.”

“Relax, mum, it’s just banter,” Georgia protests. “She knows I love her really.”

Love. That word again. Because Georgia does love you, of that you’re certain, but not in the way you want her to.

But as you look down at your best friend over the barrier that separates the players from the fans, her brown eyes alight and a smile on her face as she stares back at you, you realise that you’ll take Georgia’s love, however much of it there is and in whatever form it comes in, just to see her smile like this.

———

The weather is terrible. Unrelenting rain turns the four hour drive from Manchester to London into a five and a half hour drive with limited visibility on the motorways. The prospect of spending an evening in this torrential downpour for at least the two hours of the match, possibly longer if the game goes to extra time and penalties, is brightened only with the knowledge that you get to see your best friend again just a week after you last saw her.

Unfortunately the game doesn’t go Bayern’s way. Despite bringing in a one goal lead from the first leg, that hard work is quickly undone by two Arsenal goals in quick succession in the first half. You’re largely neutral to the outcome of this game, except that you aren’t because you want to see Georgia succeed, and she seems to double her efforts when Bayern go behind, putting even more into every challenge, every pass, determined not to lose.

You’re kidding yourself if you think you’re a neutral fan in this game because when the final whistle goes and the Arsenal fans start celebrating a hard-fought victory, your heart aches for Georgia and what could’ve been. But Georgia is a ray of sunshine, even in defeat, and still makes time for all the fans.

When you finally get to see her, inside the stadium after she’s showered and changed out of her wet kit, you’re actually more disappointed than she is about the outcome of the game.

“That’s football, isn’t it?” Georgia says with a shrug, after you’ve exchanged a long hug and offered her your commiserations. “Thanks for coming down though. It’s good to see you again. I missed you.”

Her words make your heart flutter and you play it off the only way you know how - with humour.

“It’s only been a week, G,” you remind her, rolling your eyes.

“A week is a long time when we used to see each other every day,” she points out. 

“And whose fault is that?” you tease her.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Georgia rolls her eyes at you. “What are you doing now?”

It’s already late and the drive back to Manchester will be a long one so as much as you want to hang around and cherish every moment with Georgia, you know you need to get on the road soon.

“Gotta drive back home soon,” you tell her.

“To Manchester?” Georgia asks her eyes wide. “Nah, no way I’m letting you drive back through the night, especially not in this weather.”

“But…”

“No buts,” Georgia interrupts you. “I’ll text you the address of our hotel and you can stay with me. Drive back in the morning.”

You’re supposed to have training in the morning and you don’t want to imagine the trouble you’ll get yourself into if you don’t show up. But this is Georgia, and is a bit of a telling off from the coaches not worth spending a bit of extra time with her? Besides, can you not just set an early alarm and drive back home straight to the training ground in the morning? You’re not needed until ten anyway…

“Fine,” you nod, trying to pretend that the decision was harder than it actually was, pretending that you wouldn’t jump off a cliff for Georgia with very little hesitation if she asked you nicely enough. 

———

Georgia meets you in the lobby of her hotel just over thirty minutes later, already dressed in pyjamas with a battered pair of sliders on her feet. She grins when she sees you and reaches straight for your hand, not even bothering with a proper greeting.

“Come on,” Georgia says, dragging you into the lift and pressing the button for the fifth floor. “Before anyone sees you.”

The lift doors rattle shut and it starts to rise. You turn to Georgia and ask, “Is this gonna get you in trouble?”

Georgia grins at you, then replies, “Only if we get caught.”

Your heart is pounding in your chest, so loud that Georgia must be able to hear it echoing around the confined elevator too, and you’re not sure if it’s racing from the thrill of trying not to get caught or because Georgia’s hand is still in yours, her warm palm pressed against yours and your fingers tangled together. 

Does Georgia even realise that she’s still holding your hand, or the effect that it’s having on you? Because it’s pretty much all you can think about as the lift ascends, your heart hammering away until the rush of blood in your ears is so strong that you might faint.

The lift can’t reach Georgia’s floor soon enough, but eventually it does arrive and the doors slide open with a soft ping, and then Georgia is dragging you along the carpeted hallway until she reaches the door to her room.

“Shhh,” Georgia hisses as she unlocks the door, ushering you inside as she finally lets go of your hand. “In you go.”

You enter Georgia’s hotel room and she closes the door behind the two of you. It’s a pretty standard room, a large double bed in the middle, a tv screen hanging from the wall beside a door that leads to the adjoining bathroom. Georgia’s suitcase is open on the floor, a few clothes strewn across the floor and the chair in the corner.

“Do you want a shower to warm up?” Georgia asks you. “I can lend you some spare clothes to sleep in.”

“Yeah, sounds nice,” you nod, shivering as you’re reminded that you’re still wearing your rain-soaked clothes from earlier.

Georgia kneels beside her suitcase and rummages around in it until she pulls out a spare pair of shorts with the Bayern logo on them and an oversized t-shirt, which she passes to you as she stands up again.

“Spare towel is on the rail in the bathroom,” she explains. “Pass us your wet clothes when you’ve taken them off and I’ll hang them up to dry.”

You smile your thanks and wander into the bathroom, turning on the hot water of the shower before stripping out of your wet clothes. Wrapping a towel around yourself for warmth and modesty, you open the door just wide enough to pass your clothes through to Georgia, who promises to hang them up by the radiator to dry overnight, before shutting yourself in the bathroom and stepping into the shower to warm up.

You spend longer than you probably need to in the shower but the warm water cascading over your head is more than welcome and it gives you time to think. To think about the fact that you’re here in Georgia’s hotel room, about to spend the night in her bed, wearing her spare clothes, when you should really be halfway up the motorway back to Manchester right now.

For some reason, your conscience warning you against this appears in the form of Keira’s voice.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Keira’s voice asks you in your head. “You’re still trying to get over her. Is this really going to help?”

“It’s fine,” you whisper aloud into the empty bathroom, your words masked by the sound of water hitting the tiles. “We’re just friends and that’s fine.”

It’s far from the first sleepover you’ve had with Georgia. You’ve known each other for well over a decade and spent your teenage years sleeping over at each other’s houses gossiping and giggling well into the night until a parent came in to hush you and urge you to get some sleep. You’ve shared rooms on countless camps before, during tournaments with England or on away trips with Manchester City. And since growing up and getting your own places, there have been movie nights that ended late where it was easier for one of you to stay over instead of driving back late.

In short, you’ve shared a bed with Georgia many times before.

You haven’t shared a bed since you realised you had feelings for her last summer, and definitely not since you admitted those feelings a couple of months ago.

But if Georgia’s comfortable with it, then you shouldn’t have a problem either.

You finally get out of the shower, when you’re completely warmed through and your fingertips are starting to shrivel from being under the water for so long. You dry off and change into the clothes borrowed from Georgia, then spend a bit of time drying your hair with a towel and brushing your teeth using the spare hotel-issued brush still in its plastic wrapper, before you eventually unlock the bathroom door and return to the bedroom.

Georgia is sitting upright in bed looking down at the screen of her phone, bathed in the yellow glow of the bedside lamp. She glances up when she hears the bathroom door open and smiles, whether at the sight of you in her clothes or some other reason, you’re not quite sure. 

“You still like to sleep furthest from the door, right?” she asks, shuffling across to leave plenty of room for you in the bed beside her.

“You gonna protect me from intruders?” you tease her, as you clamber into the empty side of the bed.

Georgia is a few inches shorter than you, but you’ve seen the way she tackles on a football pitch and you have no doubt that she’d do better in a fight than you.

“Course I will,” Georgia grins back at you. “Ready for bed? Can I turn the light off?”

You nod and settle yourself down, adjusting the pillow and pulling the covers up over your shoulders as you roll onto your side. Georgia flicks off the light, then there’s some shuffling on her side of the bed, before you both fall still.

With your eyes not yet adjusted to the darkness, you can’t actually see Georgia more than just a shadow on her side of the bed, but you’re pretty sure she’s lying on her side facing you. 

And that’s when it truly hits you. You’re sharing a bed with Georgia, close enough to touch her, close enough to be able to hear her breathing, but knowing that you can’t do anything about the ache in your chest.

You have no idea how you’re going to calm your mind or your heart enough to be able to fall asleep tonight.

You shiver - whether that’s because you’re still cold or for some other reason like Georgia’s proximity - but it’s enough that she notices.

“Shit, are you still cold?” Georgia whispers into the darkness. 

“No, it’s fine,” you say, but your body betrays you again with another shiver.

“Come here,” Georgia says, though it’s her, not you, that closes the gap between you, shuffling her body closer until she can wrap her arms around you and pull your body against hers. Your feet intertwine at the bottom of the bed, hers warmer than yours, though she makes no complaint. “Nothing warms you up like a little cuddle.”

It’s not just a little cuddle though. This is a cuddle with your best friend who you’re more than a little bit in love with, who is kind enough to let you stay here despite the fact she could get in trouble, who has lent you her clothes and let you use her shower and now offers her arms to keep you warm. Your best friend who can surely now feel as well as hear the pounding of your heart as you nestle your body against hers beneath the covers.

Your eyes have started adjusting to the darkness and now you can see how close her face is to yours, your foreheads separated by barely an inch, and she’s staring right back at you, her warm breath hitting your face with each exhale.

“G…”

You breathe her name into the space between your lips, ready to tell her that you can’t do this, ready to admit that you still have feelings for her and that you need to leave, drive back to Manchester even though it’s the middle of the night and you’ve got no dry clothes, because otherwise you might do something that you regret.

But you don’t get the chance to say anything, because suddenly Georgia’s warm lips are on yours, soft and unmoving and so incredibly tentative, but also so right.

She lingers for a few seconds, then pulls back, her chest rising and falling more deeply than before with each breath, as she asks, “Sorry, I … was that okay?”

“You shouldn’t kiss me if you don’t mean it,” you say, just about ready to combust into tears, such is the intensity of the feelings overwhelming your entire body for the other girl. 

You don’t know what to expect from Georgia, but it’s definitely not what she says next.

“And what if I do mean it?”

Her voice is quiet, her words cautious. You’re so used to Georgia being her usual loud and effervescent self that you barely recognise the tone of her voice, but she sounds almost vulnerable.

“I’m so far gone on you, G,” you admit. “I thought I could get over you but I can’t. I need you to know that you could shatter my heart and stamp on all the tiny pieces and I’d still want to be yours. And if there’s even the smallest part of you that doesn’t mean it, then we should forget that ever happened and…”

You don’t get to finish your sentence because Georgia’s mouth is on yours again, hotter and more insistent this time. You gasp as she kisses you and her mouth opens too, her hand coming up to cup your jaw as her tongue swipes past your lips. The sound you let out is involuntary and you would be embarrassed, if not for the fact that you can’t think of anything except Georgia - her lips on yours, her body wrapped around you, her hands burning your skin.

Eventually, breathing becomes a necessity and Georgia must agree because she pulls back, though only far enough to lean her forehead against yours as she says, “I think I’m in love with you.”

“You think?” you ask, needing Georgia to be absolutely certain before you let yourself hope.

“I’m pretty sure,” Georgia corrects herself. “I’m still figuring it out but I’ve been thinking about it ever since you told me you liked me, and then when you showed up in Munich last week to surprise me … nobody’s ever done something like that for me before. And I can’t imagine anyone else making me feel the way that you do. You’re so much more to me than just a best mate. You’re … you’re everything to me.”

“Do you really mean it?”

Georgia nods.

“Whatever I have to do to convince you I mean it…”

“Just hold me,” you tell her, pushing your body further into hers and nuzzling your face into the crook of her neck.

“Just hold you?” Georgia asks, her hand squeezing your hip, and though you can’t see her face, you can picture the smirk on her face anyway.

You lift your head and use the element of surprise to roll Georgia onto her back, trapping her against the mattress with one of your legs framed on each side of her hips.

“You’ve got other suggestions, have you?” you ask her, raising your eyebrows at her as you sweep your damp hair out of your face.

Her hands settle on your hip tentatively, like she knows what she wants but isn’t quite sure yet whether it’s okay.

“I’ve got some ideas,” Georgia admits, fighting off a mischievous smile.

“Yeah?”

You lean down, still hardly able to believe that this is Georgia telling you that she loves you, that she wants you in the same way that you want her, as you press your lips to hers again. You hope that you’ll never get tired of kissing her because each time feels more magical than the last, as you slowly get used to the way that her lips move, to the things that make her breath catch in her throat as she kisses you back, and you know that there’s a whole other side of your oldest friend that’s now open for you to get to know and explore.

It would be so easy to get carried away, especially when Georgia’s hands, already dangerously low on your hips, start to slide lower, but there will be plenty of time for that, you hope. You’ve waited long enough, thirteen long years, for this to happen. You can wait a little longer.

You reluctantly detach your lips from Georgia’s and settle back against her side, one of your legs slung over her hips and her hands coming up to wrap around your back as you lie half on top of her.

“Another time,” you tell her, as you let your eyes flicker shut, knowing that sleep will be easy to come by with Georgia’s arms around you.

“That’d better be a promise,” Georgia murmurs, pressing a kiss to your temple.

You don’t say anything, just laugh softly, and snuggle into her until sleep takes you both.

———

You wake in a different position, spooning Georgia from behind, but no less content than you were when you fell asleep. Georgia is still fast asleep, body rising and falling with each deep breath, and you manage to carefully extract your arms from around her so that you can reach for your phone on the bedside table to check the time.

You let out a soft groan when you see the time because you’re supposed to be at training in Manchester in less than two hours, and as perfect as last night was, finally getting an admission from Georgia that she feels the same, you now have to deal with the consequences of staying overnight in London instead of driving back home last night after the match.

You slip out of bed as quietly as you can, intending to go into the bathroom to call Gareth and give him some kind of made up excuse about why you’re not going to be at training. Something that doesn’t involve having to admit that you prioritised a girl over your career, even though Georgia is so much more than just a girl and last night will hopefully be the first of many that you get to experience falling asleep in her embrace, but you’re not so sure that your manager will understand or approve.

But before you can make it as far as the bathroom, you hear a sleepy voice from behind you.

“You’re not sneaking out on me, are you?”

You turn to the most adorable sight, a sleepy Georgia rubbing at her bleary eyes as she pushes herself up onto one elbow, her hair sticking up at an awkward angle on the side she slept on.

“No, of course not,” you promise her. You hold up your phone and explain, “I just need to make a call. I’ve got training today and obviously I’m not going to make it.”

“Come back to bed,” Georgia pleads with you.

“One sec,” you say, calling Gareth and lifting your phone to your ear as you sit down on the edge of the bed. 

When it rings through to voicemail, you’re a little relieved that you don’t actually have to talk to him in person, and you wait for the tone before leaving your message.

“Hi Gareth,” you say, deliberately rasping your voice as you try to sound as sick as you possibly can. “I’m really sorry but I don’t think I’m going to make it into training today. I’m not feeling well and I’ve already been sick once this morning. Sorry again. I’ll catch up with you soon when I’m feeling better. Bye.”

You hang up and toss your phone aside, ignoring the amused look on Georgia’s face as you get back under the covers.

“Pulling a sickie, eh?” she teases you.

“Shut up,” you grumble, though you still cuddle back into Georgia’s side, tangling your legs together beneath the covers once more.

From this close, you’re taken aback by just how pretty she is. Not that it’s the first time you’ve thought that, but seeing her like this, still slightly heavy-eyed from just waking up, looking back at you with adoration mirrored in her dark eyes, and being able to take it all in without having to worry about whether you get caught staring at her, is brand new. And with whatever limited time you have left before you inevitably have to get up and leave the blissful sanctuary of Georgia’s bed, you just want to kiss her, to feel her body against yours so that you have something tangible to remember this by when she has to go back to Munich.

“Can I kiss you?” you ask.

“You don’t have to ask.”

“I do,” you insist. “Because I can’t believe that last night actually happened. I’m still kinda waiting for you to tell me it’s just a prank.”

Georgia presses forward and her lips meet yours. It’s slower than the kisses you exchanged last night before bed, but you sigh happily into the kiss and bring your hand up to cup Georgia’s cheek. She lets out a little noise that you capture with your own mouth as your fingertips brush against a sensitive spot just below her ear and you make a mental note to revisit the spot later, perhaps with your lips and teeth instead, and vow to find every other spot that makes her whimper and melt into putty.

You make out for a while, a lazy exploration of each other’s mouths without any real destination. Having spent at least the last eight months dreaming of getting to spend quiet mornings in bed with Georgia, kissing until it’s hard to tell where you end and she begins, you’d be quite happy to keep doing this for the rest of eternity, but she eventually pulls back.

“I wish I didn’t have to go back to Germany,” Georgia says, echoing your own thoughts.

“But you love it there,” you remind her, trying to be the voice of reason, even though you wish you could both just exist in the cocoon of this hotel room for the rest of time.

“I love it here too.”

“Here being…?”

“With you,” Georgia clarifies, and your face cracks open into a big grin.

“Didn’t know you were so soppy, G,” you tease her. 

“Neither did I. I guess you bring it out in me.”

“Charmer,” you say, snuggling into her shoulder and sliding your hand under the hem of her t-shirt so that your fingertips can brush across the skin of her hip bone.

“We should really get up,” Georgia says, though she makes no move to do so.

“Five more minutes?” you ask, nuzzling your face into Georgia’s neck and pressing your lips to her pulse point.

“Go on then. Five more minutes.”

———

It’s another twenty minutes before you eventually drag yourselves out of bed, which means you have to rush to get ready and any chance you might have had to slip out of the hotel before any of Georgia’s teammates see you is ruined when you hear a knock on the door.

You’ve redressed in last night’s clothes, now mostly dry, and grab the last of your things as Georgia opens the door, revealing three of her teammates standing out in the hallway.

“Breakfast?” they ask her, before three pairs of eyes look past Georgia and fall on you, slipping your feet into your trainers.

“I should go,” you say, checking your coat pocket for your car keys and wandering over to where Georgia stands at the door once you’re satisfied you’ve got everything. “Text me when your flight lands.”

“I’ll text you before then,” Georgia says, her hand coming up to rest on your waist as she tilts her head up to press a sweet kiss to your lips. It’s far more chaste than the ones you shared last night and this morning but it’s still enough to draw some sniggers out of her teammates.

“Bye,” you whisper against her lips as you pull away.

“Love you,” she says.

“Love you too.”

As you leave the room and walk down the hall, you can hear Georgia’s teammates starting to tease her loudly behind you, and you enter the lift fighting off a smile that has everything to do with the development of your relationship in the last ten hours.

———

Luckily you don’t have to wait long to see Georgia again because just a few days after the Champions League match, she returns to England for another Lionesses camp as you prepare for the Finalissima against Brazil.

Naturally, you smuggle Georgia into your room almost as soon as she arrives on camp and spend the night trying really hard to keep your hands to yourself, because you’ve waited so long for Georgia to be yours that you’re determined to wait a little longer so that your first time together isn’t at St George’s Park while your teammates are trying to sleep in the rooms on either side of yours. But you settle for kissing her heatedly well into the night and waking up with her head resting on your chest and one of her arms draped around your waist.

You’re in such a good mood when you go down to breakfast on the first morning of camp, that you completely forget that nobody else knows about the new development in your relationship with Georgia. Specifically, you forget that Keira, who knows pretty much every other up and down of the last few months, doesn’t yet know that Georgia reciprocates your feelings.

You sit at your usual table for breakfast, Keira opposite you and Georgia setting her tray down next to yours.

“I’m just gonna get some juice,” Georgia says. “Do you want some?”

“No thanks,” you reply, taking a sip from your mug of coffee.

You watch as Georgia wanders over to the jugs of juice, your gaze following the swish of her ponytail before dropping to appreciate her legs and the shape of her butt in her training shorts. It’s only when Keira kicks you under the table, hard enough to surely leave a bruise on your shin, that you snap out of your trance.

“What?” 

“You’re still in love with her, aren’t you?” Keira hisses across the table.

You pause for a second, glancing between Keira and Georgia, who is on her way back to the table with a glass of orange juice, and then you laugh. You can’t help the way that it spills from your throat because Keira is looking at you like being in love with Georgia is the worst thing in the world, and while it might have been painful a week ago, you don’t know how to begin to explain that in the space of just a few days it’s become the best thing that’s ever happened to you.

“What did I miss?” Georgia asks, as she returns to the table and sits down beside you. “What’s so funny?”

“Keira thinks I’m in love with you,” you explain.

Keira’s eyes widen, and now that you’ve got over the initial surprise of her question, you start to wonder if you can have a bit of fun before actually telling her the truth.

Georgia is clearly thinking the same, because she nudges your thigh with hers and says, “Aw, you love me? That’s lame.”

Keira looks even more panicked - understandable given that she’d probably expect Georgia to be a little more considerate towards your feelings if she didn’t reciprocate.

“Can we talk after breakfast?” Keira asks. “Because I’m worried about you. I thought you’d…” Keira’s eyes flit across to Georgia, then back to you, giving you a deliberate look as she says, “… you know.”

“You thought she’d moved on?” Georgia fills in the gap. She puts down her fork, then reaches for your hand, lacing your fingers together and resting them on the table where Keira, and anybody else, can see. “Fat chance of that. She’s obsessed with me.”

Keira looks more confused than ever, and you realise that you probably owe her an explanation.

“G’s my …” You pause, realising that while you’ve both admitted you love each other and there seems to be an understanding that you’re together now, you haven’t actually had a conversation to put an official label on what you are. You turn to Georgia and ask, “Are you my girlfriend?”

“If that’s your way of asking me, it’s not very romantic, is it?” Georgia teases you.

Rolling your eyes, you turn back to Keira and say, “She’s my girlfriend. We’re dating.”

To emphasise your point, you bring your joined hands to your lips and press a kiss to the back of Georgia’s fingers.

Keira’s eyes look like they might pop out of her head at any second.

Leah sits down in the empty seat beside Keira, taking one look at your joined hands, before she says, without a hint of surprise in her voice, “You two have finally got your shit together, then? About bloody time.”

“How are you not more surprised by this?” Keira asks Leah, apparently exasperated by the new development. “I’ve spent months listening to this one,” she jabs an accusatory finger in your direction, “whine on and on about how much she loves Georgia and how Georgia is never going to love her back to the point where I’ve genuinely had sleepless nights worrying about it, only for them to hard launch their apparent relationship by rocking up to breakfast and just holding hands like it’s completely normal!”

Keira is usually so cool and composed, even when under stress, that it’s weird to see her have an outburst like this, but she’s the only one who knows the extent of how much your feelings for Georgia not being reciprocated until now has really affected you over the last few months, and for that she deserves an explanation. 

Georgia leans closer to you and whispers, “Babe, I think we broke Keira.”

You’ll have time to process the way that Georgia’s use of the pet name babe makes your heart do an actual somersault in your chest, eager to revisit the subject later, but you probably owe Keira an explanation before she actually combusts.

“I love her,” you tell Keira and Leah. “And it turns out G loves me too, it just took her a while to figure it out. But we’re serious about giving this a go. It’s brand new, which is scary and exciting, but…” You turn to Georgia now, almost forgetting that the others are here too as you get caught in the adoration in Georgia’s eyes. “But she’s my girlfriend, my best mate, the only person I’ve ever felt like this about. So yeah, I’ve been a bit of a mess over the last few months trying to get my head around what I felt for her. But she’s worth it. You’re worth it, Georgia. And I’m lucky I get to call you mine.”

Your words come from the heart and it feels for just a second like the two of you are caught in your own little bubble of blossoming romance.

That is, until Leah bursts it by sarcastically saying, “Well thanks guys, I really didn’t want to keep my breakfast down this morning.”

It doesn’t matter if Leah ruins the moment. You’ve waited for Georgia for far too long to care. And as the news of your relationship filters through camp until the rest of the team knows, met with some surprise, some cries of “I knew it!”, and plenty of teasing, the only thing that matters is Georgia and the fact that you finally get to call yourself hers.

[meazalykov]

you write so freaking well omg why am I in tears

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barca x reader, platonic!alexia putellas x reader

warnings: talks of narcotics addiction, angst, depression

Spain is different. It’s more freeing than France ever was, less dark. There isn’t the same constant bustle and stimulation that you were surrounded by in Paris. Paris was survival, but Barcelona is the weird halfway between living and being alive. It’s the most alive you’ve felt in years, but yet you still hover a few metres below the surface. Drowning is still drowning no matter how deep you are.

Barcelona was a shock to put it lightly. After Paris, after the mess that had been your life and then had turned into your career your everything had blown up. A good situation for you was showing your face outside of your apartment, maybe kicking a ball around again if you could work up the courage. You’d never thought that you would get another shot at football, it just hadn’t been an option in your mind. You were blacklisted in the world of soccer, whilst it wasn’t public knowledge why, courtesy of PSG being extremely cautious of keeping a good public image, it was well known that your leave had been anything but honourable.

You really hadn’t kept up with any football afterwards, hell you hardly kept up with anything when you were playing, but supposedly Barcelona had fallen into a crisis of major season ending injuries and were struggling to find money to acquire many players.

You weren’t even aware you had an agent anymore, you certainly weren’t paying agents fees, yet the calls came, and the door knocking, and the zoom meetings, and the visits and eventually a hasty contract signing was done half an hour after you’d hopped on a plane to Barcelona.

It was over a year since you’d stepped foot on a football pitch, possibly a year and a half since you’d trained with a team.

Your new teammates, who you hadn’t bothered to touch up on all , stood to the sides and watched you train for the first time, getting in some private time with Pere before your first proper training session.

“She played in Lyon, no?”

You were a bit of a mystery, the first the team had heard of you was the day before when Pere had alerted them that you would be joining the squad along with some girls from the Barca B side. Afterwards, in the locker rooms they’d tried to find as much information as they could, but the most they could find was your wikipedia page. No social media, no interviews, no features on other players' social media, nothing. You were an enigma, this person that seemingly existed yet none of them could put a face to your name.

“No, PSG, Liverpool beforehand, remember?”

You’re rough at the edges, that much is clear. With your mane of hair in a ponytail that looks like it’s seconds away from falling from your head yet it never does. The ear piercings adorning every single inch of cartilage and tissue along your ear and the tattoos that don’t seem to stop or start.

“And she played for England?”

You don’t look English, not in how you play. You’re so… edgy? You play like you’re straggling to do everything, like you know what it is to struggle.

“Up until U23s, had a short stint in the senior team before she retired.”

Your eyes are bloodshot, like you don’t know what sleep is. It’s almost endearing and yet terrifying in the same way. In an odd way it reminds Alexia so much of Jenni, you look and play nothing like her, but it’s the same ferocity, the same hunt in your expressions.

“And she’s only 21?”

It’s hard to believe that you are the same age as Esmee or Salma, you just look so much older. Like you’ve seen so much more than that.

“Stop leering at her, how would you feel if we all did this to you on your first day?”

Irene’s voice seems to be enough to shake everybody out of their trance hovering to the side of the training ground. You’ve noticed everybody, but you shake it off in the same way you seem to shake off every comment from Pere and every ball you lose. Alexia smiles at you when you look over at her, your facial expression doesn’t deviate from the same pulled back that it’s been stuck in since Alexia started watching you.

You don’t know why you thought you were capable of doing any kind of football, yet alone trying to compete with the best football players in the world. Training with Pere on your own had been brutal enough, you were unfit to put it simply and fearful in a way you’d never been before. Then introducing some of the best midfielders and forwards to your game, well it was a recipe for disaster.

By the time you made it to your first drink break your lungs were burning more from intake of oxygen then exhaling. Your calves are cramping up like they’ve never been used for more than walking and you feel like you’re one sprint away from hurling up your whole stomach's contents.

By the time you make it to the end of training you seriously feel like you might be dying, potentially dramatic but you’ve genuinely never hated your body more than you do.

You leave the field as soon as you’ve been assisted, you want to leave. You’re here for one simple reason, money. Barcelona were desperate and whilst your salary wasn’t anything exorbitant it was enough to guarantee that you would be able to live off of yourself for a few more years before you figured out what to do with your life beyond football.

You’d been shown the locker rooms on your tour, but you don’t bother. You duck into the first bathroom you can find, tugging your cleats off and throwing them into the same carry-on bag you’d gotten through the airport. Your training gear comes off next, you switch it for the spare clothes you’d left in your bag. You feel disgusting, you want a shower and a bottle of vodka. You’d rather feel disgusting though then be thrown into a room of women who you’ve never met and don’t intend to make friends with.

You try to sneak away as easily as possible, but you get caught when you run into a few of your teammates on your way out.

“Hola.”

You would love to pretend that you don’t notice the three people walking your way but it’s hard when you’ve already made eye contact.

“Hey.”

You hope that’ll be it, you try and make it past the three of them but it’s hard when they’ve all stopped directly in front of you expectantly.

“I’m-.”

This is what you want to avoid.

“Alexia Putellas, I don’t live under a rock.”

The woman seems to falter at the sound of your voice, you don’t mind the shocked look on her face.

“Well it’s nice to meet you. This is Jana and Vicky.”

You nod at the other two, Vicky you’re familiar with from your time in the England team, though not enough that you can remember ever playing against her.

“Cool.”

The three women are very clear about their discomfort around your bluntness, it’s good, it’s what you want.

“We-The team, were going to head down to a favourite bar of ours later, weekend off and all, we’d love it if you could join?”

Jana nods along with Alexia and Vicky just smiles.

“The food is to die for and if you’re lucky Alexia will drink enough that she’ll shout our tab.”

Alexia hits Vicky over the back of the head and Vicky looks like she’s about to lunge to retaliate but one darting look at you from Jana stops her.

“I don’t drink, and I don’t do dinners.”

Both Vicky and Jana frown, as if you’ve directly said something to offend them. Alexia looks less surprised.

“Well plenty of the team don’t drink, Irene and Marta and Ingrid.”

You decide you’ve had enough socialisation.

“Thanks but no thanks, if you know what I mean.”

None of the three women know what you mean, and you leave them wondering as you push past the wall to escape their eyes.

“I heard that she was fucking one of the trainers, and they got caught by one of the coaches.”

“I heard that she was stealing from the girls on the team, taking stuff and selling it on ebay.”

“I heard that she went off of her meds and had a breakdown and cursed out the coach.”

“I heard that she-.”

You’re the topic of conversation for the night, your absence from dinner has left such a point of intrigue that even after food and drinks everyone still keeps coming back to it.

“Stop it, you’re all horrible, you’re all making stuff up.”

The younger girls have been the main ones fueling it, there’s so little information on you that it’s so easy to fall into a rhythm of rumours and whispers.

“Ellie, she played in England, surely you know something?”

Ellie’s normally a quieter presence at team events, and as all the eyes fall to her she’s very glad that she hardly harnesses the attention of the group.

“Absolutely not, I’m not feeding into your theories. If you want to know something, ask her yourself.”

The younger girls all groan, Alexia knows why, they’re all far too scared to ask you a single thing, even she's hesitant. With most of the new girls she takes up a caring role, helping people during their transition. Yet even with your number in her phone, courtesy of the team's manager, she can’t find any words that would be appropriate to send to you.

“C’mon Roebuck, you must know something.”

Ellie does, Alexia can just tell by the way she itches at her neck and reaches for her drink immediately.

“I know that she’s been through a lot and definitely didn’t plan on playing football again. That’s all I’m saying.”

Even though you’re rough, and play in such a way that Alexia can’t quite find words for. You have natural talent, it’s raw, but even as you’d struggled she’d seen it.

Then she’d inevitably gotten curious, and went into a deep dive of watching old PSG game videos in search of something. She’d found it, or she’d found you. She wasn’t quite sure how you’d alluded her two years ago, because as she watched game video after game video, she saw magic. There was so little footage and even less of you in an England shirt, but what’s there is brilliant. There’s less of the push and shove, more refined but it’s the same player.

She doesn’t like being left in the dark when it comes to teammates or people in her life, yet when it comes to you she’s completely lost, and extremely curious.

“Ellie’s right, it’s none of our business and if we want to know we should ask her or wait for her to tell us, she’s clearly guarded from past experiences.”

Irene’s voice has the kind of finality that tells everybody the discussion is over. The conversation shifts to something about the upcoming Champions League fixtures and you’ve once again stayed a closed book to everybody.

Alexia would love to say she has a breakthrough with you, but she doesn’t, not for a week.

For the first week it’s fairly quiet. One training or gym session a day. It’s not until 8 days after your arrival that the team has a day longer than a single session, forcing you to stick around for team lunch.

You’re sitting at your own table, headphones on and head stuck in your phone when Alexia comes in after some time in the physio room.

Instead of heading straight towards her normal table she beelines towards you.

You look up at her as she sits down across from you, give Alexia a bit of a squint and then look back down at your phone.

“How are you finding it here?”

You don’t even flinch at Alexia’s voice, and for a second she’s a bit taken aback by your rudeness. But then she remembers you have headphones on.

Alexia foot nudges you from under the table and you try to not look utterly pissed off as your eyes lift from your phone.

Her lips are moving and apparently she’s talking to you and whilst you have zero wishes to converse with her you have enough decency to reach up and slide your headphones off.

“You’re settling in okay?”

You’re glad she can speak English because you haven’t bothered to attend any of the Spanish lessons that the club has set up for you. You’re happy in your blissful bubble.

“Fine.”

You attempt to slide your headphones back on but Alexia’s voice stops you.

“You haven’t come to any of the team nights, we added the right number to the group chats, right?”

It’s almost laughable, how Alexia is trying to pawn your antisocial behaviour off.

“No, you’ve got the right number.”

You hadn’t gotten any food, so you’re left to awkwardly sip at your water whilst Alexia ponders over how to respond to that.

“If Spanish is an issue, most of us speak english and we’re happy to translate, there are plenty of girls who speak english primarily.”

You pick at your nails and as Alexia focuses on you she takes in certain parts of your appearance. Your nail beds are a wreck, or more specifically your hands. You’ve clearly picked and bitten them to the point of bleeding, and even as you continue to pick at the scabs and scars you don’t flinch away whatsoever.

She also notices the way you’re always shaking, your hands, your legs, your arms, you don't stop moving, Your body is in a constant state of awakeness. It mirrors the same exhausted look on your face, it’s like how sharks never stop swimming, you never seem to stop moving.

The scars on your face extend up your arms, it’s hidden between the ink but there are little scabs everywhere, little white healed marks that fall so randomly across your skin it’s hard to keep track.

“Spanish isn’t an issue.”

Alexia knows nothing about you, and yet she feels this weird empathy towards you. She doesn;t know if it’s because you remind her of Jenni in some weird way that makes no sense, or if it’s just the ominous feeling you radiate but she just feels it.

“Look, I get if you feel overwhelmed by it all, this team is a lot. How about you come to my house tonight, just you and I. I’ll cook dinner, or we can order in. It’s got to be hard moving to a city all by yourself without anyone here for you.”

You don’t know why Alexia’s taken an interest in you and you are getting slightly ticked off by her insistence.

“I’m perfectly fine, I’ve been moving since i was 6 for football this is no different.”

This time you didn’t move for football though, you moved because for the first time in your life you had no other options. Every other time it had been because you had endless options, because you were that good that you were wanted. This was all you had though now.

“I just thought you might want some support, or a friend after what happened.”

Alexia is dipping a toe in the water, there’s still so many rumours going around about what’s happened with you. Not a single person has come up with a theory that has factual evidence, even the girls with friends at PSG have come up empty handed. Ellie knows something, but she’s a vault that cannot be opened and Alexia thinks she’s doing so for good reason.

“After what happened? Don’t talk about something you have absolutely no idea about, it’s an ugly look.”

Alexia exhales at the way your body language immediately shifts, your shoulders go tight and your picking at your nails becomes more incessant.

“Tell me then, or at least let me see a side of you beyond football, I’d love to get to know the person beyond all of this.”

Alexia doesn’t know enough about you to know how to interact best with you, but she’s trying.

“I don’t really give a shit what you or anybody else thinks about me and who I am.”

Alexia is screwing this up big time.

“Look, just come for dinner, I’ll send you the address to my house and you can stay for as long or as little as you like. I don’t know what it’s like to be new but I can’t imagine it’s easy. Come tonight and I’ll get you a free pass for all team dinners for the month, I know Pere must have bugged you about coming to the next one.”

You don’t know what’s worse, having to hang out with the whole team or individually with Alexia. You opt for the option that is less likely to put you into a sensory overload panic attack.

“Fine, I’ll come for dinner.”

Alexia smiles like she's a child who’s won a prize.

“Awesome, I’ll send you my address, how about 6?”

You nod along because you feel like you have to. There have been a lot of you doing things because you have to recently, it’s like you’re stuck in the never ending cycle of having to do things because of your past actions.

By the time 6 rolls around you’re sore, have a headache and generally feel so exhausted that you want nothing more than to crawl into your bed and stay there forever. It’s been hard to remove yourself from your routine, for the past year all you’d done was lie in bed all day. Eat, nap, go to NA, sleep. That was your life, four simple steps that held you together. Now though you were adding in a boatload more that you were struggling to handle.

Alexia’s door swings open before you even knock, you try to not feel intimidated by the big smile on her face but it’s hard. You’ve done the cat and mouse before with new teammates, this time though you really don’t have the energy for the charade.

“Hola, come in, come in.”

You allow yourself to be ushered into Alexia’s house, you try to take in your passing surroundings. Alexia’s house is very… spanish? The entryway is fairly simple, photos here and there but the decor is fairly simple. As you enter her living room and kitchen though you get more of a sense. There are jerseys and trophies dotted in random spots, photos and paintings fill the walls and overall the feeling of the house is warm. It’s a big difference from your clinical apartment, which is as bare as it was when you’d moved in.

“Do you want something to drink? Wine, beer, water, tea?”

You doubt Alexia’s abilities to make tea the proper way, and anything with alcohol is an immediate no for you.

“Water is just fine.”

You settle against Alexia’s island counter, leaning against the stone top as she picks two glasses from her shelves.

“I’m warming up some of my Mami’s paella, trust me once you try it you’ll be back for more.”

You can’t take away from the fact that whatever is cooking on Alexia’s stove smells delicious.

“Smells good.”

Alexia smiles, up until this interaction all you’ve seen of her is football. Football awards, football games, football training. It’s weird seeing her outside of football, especially considering how you’d come to idolise her a few years ago.

“Thank you. I thought it was about time I gave you the proper introduction to some proper Spanish food.”

You don’t know if you're still in denial or if you just don’t care, sometimes it’s hard to distinguish between feelings for you. You do know though that the last thing on your list of discovering Spain has been food.

Alexia hands you your glass of water and the two of you fall into a weird silence.

“That’s your girlfriend?”

It’s all you can think of, there’s a photo right in front of you sitting on the island of Alexia and another woman who you’ve never seen before, in a hug that seems too intimate to just be friends.

“Sí, that’s Olga, she’s in Madrid right now for work.”

You nod, it’s odd in your world for people to not be dating other players. Less messy you suppose.

“How about you?”

You laugh, it’s almost funny, and then it’s kind of sad.

“I did, not anymore.”

Not anymore is kind of everything in your life. Your decisions have meant that you don’t get a lot of things, you don’t get the nice things.

Alexia cooks in silence, you observe her house in silence. It could be awkward but it’s not, it’s nice in a way that you haven’t experienced in such a long time. Even when you weren’t off the rails in Paris there were so many barriers between you and your teammates, it was impossible to feel like you weren’t alone.

Alexia plates up the meal and ushers you over to her dining table.

The meal starts silent, but eventually Alexia starts talking.

“So have you been living in Paris or did you move back home after PSG?”

You mostly pick at the food, your appetite nowadays is hardly there, you just can’t stomach most things.

“No, I got out of Paris as soon as I could. Was in London for a while and then mostly in Liverpool.”

Alexia nods thoughtfully, it’s impossible to feel like she isn’t interviewing you. You could ask her some questions back, but there isn’t a single one that comes to mind. You have no interest in learning more about this woman because it does nothing for you.

“Did you like it?”

Your eyebrows furrow, did you like moving from place to place because of your own actions?

“Did I like what?”

You push some of the rice and seafood around your place, the one bite you did take was delicious, but you really don’t want to lose your guts in a teammate's house.

“Paris, I’ve only really been for awards ceremonies.”

You chuckle, Ballon d’ors, Alexia’s well decorated with the awards. You’d wanted that once, it had been a realistic dream for you once, the past was a dangerous thing.

“That’s a can of worms that you don’t want to open.”

You wonder if the saying gets lost in translation as Alexia looks at you completely lost.

“What I mean is that we really don’t want to get into that, you really don’t want to get into that with me.”

Alexia looks even more lost, the silence all of a sudden feels a lot more awkward then it did.

“You got hurt?”

Alexia doesn’t know a thing, she genuinely feels so lost when it comes to you.

“I got hurt, and then I hurt myself, and then I hurt some other people and some other people hurt me.”

Alexia hasn’t learnt anything more, but she understands, as she looks into your eyes she understands to some extent what you’re saying.

“I’m sorry that happened to you, when you can’t hold it in anymore I’m here for you. I might not understand but I can try, or just be here for you when it’s too much.”

You have dinner at Alexia’s house twice a week every week after that. She sticks by her promise of having you excused from all the team dinners and the two of you develop a sort of understanding. She doesn’t push you to say anything, most of the time the conversation is surface level and about things that neither of you need to talk about but talk about anyways. You meet Olga and Alexia’s family, which is a bit overwhelming but you figure you need to branch out at some stage.

You don’t touch the field in your first month at Barcelona, the team is in injury trouble but they aren’t so desperate that they need you. You exist behind the scenes, avoid all the media team and teammates. Eventually though, inevitably really, photos of you surface and whilst it was public knowledge that you’d signed with Barcelona, pictures of you at training seems to be the sign of life that everyone in the football world needs. Your messages and emails flood, it’s the only way to contact you. Old England teammates, Paris teammates, Liverpool teammates, academy teammates. It’s overwhelming in the sense that people who knew that a year ago you were struggling and never reached out are all of a sudden interested now that you’re playing with the best team in the world.

It’s not until 6 weeks after your move that you get told to warm-up on the sidelines during the 50th minute of a game against Valencia. You try not to look shocked as Pere calls out your name around the 60th to go towards the substitute section.

You play like shit, or at least that’s how it feels. You’re sloppy, get messy fouls and add nothing to the team. You’re still unfit, still scared, still look like a feral dog as you run around the field and try to adapt to the style of your teammates around you.

After the game you do the same as you always do, pack up as quickly as possible, avoid every person that exists alongside you and get your ass out of the stadium before you have a breakdown.

You go home, and whilst you’ve had hundreds of bad games, far worse than the one you just played, you can’t shake the overwhelming feeling of shame as you look around your depressing apartment and think about everything that’s led you to this point.

You go to the only other place in Barcelona that you know besides the training grounds.

You don’t quite know how to feel when you knock on Alexia’s door, you don’t even know if she’s going to be home. You just know that you’re short circuiting, and a year ago if you were short circuiting you defaulted to a certain behaviour that you have no interest in engaging in now.

You stand on Alexia’s front porch, shaking and on the verge of tears for a few seconds before you hear noise on the other side of the door.

Olga’s the one who opens the door, and suddenly you feel a lot more vulnerable than you did a few minutes ago. You’re not a vulnerable person, ever, you’ve been through enough to hold standards for yourself now. You suddenly feel so stupid, like you’ve defied every rule you’ve ever set up for yourself.

“Hey Chica, come in.”

You take a step back, and you’re ready to bolt.

“I-Is Alexia here?”

You don’t normally feel your age, you matured so young that you’ve never really felt your age. But at this moment you feel so young, so much more inexperienced than you are.

“Yeah carino, she’s just inside. Come in, please.”

Olga manages to coo you into the house. Over the past few weeks you’d say that you’ve slowly become comfortable in Alexia’s home, but right now you’ve never felt more out of place. As soon as you spot Alexia though, you crumble.

Alexia’s brows furrow at the sight of you, Olga’s hand wrapped around your shoulders in an attempt to keep you inside the house.

“Hey chica.”

You don’t know what to say, because if you say anything it’s probably all going to start coming out in one big mess.

“How about you come outside with me?”

You can’t say no, so you follow Alexia blindly out onto her balcony. She takes a seat on one of the loungers and you opt for sitting on the one beside it.

Alexia’s never seen you shaken up. Yet the girl sitting beside her looks completely terrified. Your whole body is shaking, your hands are bloody and torn up, you have scratch marks all over your arms and face, your eyes are dark in a weird way and for the first time since she’s met you she can see the 21 year old in you.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

You don’t know how to answer that question, because you really don’t. You haven’t talked to anybody about it, not your sponsor, not your therapist, not your coaches, not your teammates, nobody. But right now all you want to do is talk about it, just voice everything that feels like it’s holding you down.

“I don’t know where to start.”

Alexia’s never given you a hug, you don’t seem like the kind of person who enjoys physical contact, but all she wants to do at this moment is bring you in, in any attempt to make you feel less distraught.

“Start wherever it makes sense.”

Nothing really makes sense to you.

“I went to Paris because I wanted freedom. My parents, everybody was in England and I felt strangled. Paris was good, I felt good when I went there. I was playing well, I was on track. Then I picked up a tear in my tricep, it was nothing to my game, but it hurt, so they gave me a prescription for painkillers, narcotics to get me through. Everyone in Paris was always drinking, always partying, always doing. I never slept, I never rested, it was football then parties and that was it. The doctor at PSG kept refilling my script, all they cared about was me playing on the field and I thought for a long time that the only way I could do that was by taking the pills and the doctor told me that. He didn’t care that I was abusing, that I was taking eight pills a day to get me through. Even after my tricep had healed, he kept filling them. Sure, I knew I was abusing but they validated me, I just kept taking them. I was so addicted I couldn’t go two hours without popping a pill. I would literally wake up every hour during the night just to take another.”

Alexia just sits and listens, it’s the first time you’ve ever brought up anything from the past in front of her.

“Then I got invited to England senior camp for the first time and they ran all my baseline medical tests and I popped up for having opiates in my system. I flipped out, they accused me of being an addict, I lost my shit. Screamed at Sarina, screamed at everybody else when they told me I needed help. I was so high, all the time, I was living in an alternate reality in Paris where I was floating on this cloud of constant drug fueled ecstasy. It felt like I was being tugged into a reality I had no interest in. Sarina called our PSG coach, who acted like he had no idea that I’d been abusing, as if he hadn’t been the one signing off on it all. Told Sarina that I was ungrateful and that I was a loose cannon and couldn’t be trusted, that I’d been fucking around my whole time there. The same guy who had been telling me that I was the future of the team and the person he trusted most on the field and he went behind my back and turned on me. Held a meeting the next day and turned the whole team on me as well. My girlfriend never spoke to me again, and said she had no clue who I was. My teammates all unfollowed and blocked me. Every physio, the team doctor, the coaches, the trainers, they all axed me. Sarina sent me back to Paris and my contract had already been terminated on ‘mutual’ grounds. The only thing PSG did was pay for me to be admitted to a 8 week rehab facility. By the time I was out my apartment had been sold, I had nobody in Paris to support me and everyone I knew had turned their back.”

Alexia doesn’t know what to say, she’s in a state of shock, because everything that you're telling her is horrible.

“I had offers from other teams, training spots, and other things. Sarina reached out but I was so mad I cursed her out and told her I would rather die than ever play in an England shirt again. I was so scared of getting injured again, getting addicted again, taking pills again. It wasn’t football that scared me, it was the same situation happening again that petrified me. So I just faded into the background. But then Barcelona called, and I couldn’t turn the offer down, I would have been stupid to. But now I’m terrified, I’m sick to my stomach thinking about all the bad things that could happen. Pere’s been supportive, and everyone else is lovely but that didn’t stop it from happening the first time.”

Your lip is bleeding now and you feel like you might actually vomit. You haven’t told anybody what you just told Alexia, somebody you met six weeks ago and have zero connection to besides the very little time you spend at her house every week.

Alexia looks at you, looks at your body shaking like a leaf. The way you clutch onto your t-shirt and tug at the hem of your pants every few seconds.

“Come inside with me for a minute. Sit down at the table.”

You follow Alexia inside, she leaves you alone in her living area, sitting at her dining table for a few minutes before she returns with a tub in her hands.

Alexia sits down across from you, pulling your hands into her own in a weird way that makes you slightly uncomfortable.

“You didn’t deserve to be taken advantage of, you didn’t know better, you were so extremely young. You did not deserve what happened to you.”

Alexia reaches into the tub and pulls out a selection of nail polish bottles.

“Pick a colour.”

You're extremely confused, but you try not to show it.

You point to a dark red, almost brown, and Alexia nods her head.

“Olga paints my nails before every big game, it stops me from getting distracted. Gives me something to pick at if I’m nervous.”

You don’t quite know what it has to do with you but you nod along with her explanation.

Alexia uses a towel to clean up the mess that is your cuticles before applying a base coat.

“I’ve never had an addiction so I can’t tell you that I understand what you’ve gone through. What I can tell you is that you are not your addiction, and you are not defined by the actions you took in the past because of your addiction. You are allowed to be a different person to the person you were a year ago. We are always evolving as people. The person you were a year ago is not the person you are now.”

The varnish burns a bit when it connects with the parts of your fingers that are still open scars and cuts, you don’t flinch away from the pain though, not once.

“There is no point in being afraid of your past. Without your past you are not here, our past is what helps us learn. You’ve learnt that you can’t afford to be haphazard with pain medications, the fact that you can admit you had a problem is enough to show that you don’t want to be that person again. There is no validity in being afraid of a person you do not want to be. My uncle, he is a chain smoker, I know that I do not want to be the same but I do not live in fear that one day I will be him because that is not who I choose to be. You can make a choice and decide that your past is unchangeable but it no longer defines you. You do not want to be that person, correct?”

Alexia is gentle for the most part, focused as always as she covers each nail in the polish. It’s so platonically intimate, you feel so open in front of her.

“I don’t want to be that person.”

Alexia smiles, you really want to pick at your nails, it’s the first time in months that for longer than three minutes you haven’t fed into the habit.

“When I tore my ACL I chewed gum, every hour of every day. I couldn’t handle the sitting and the waiting and the lack of stimulation I was getting. It was horrible, my mouth would get all burnt and tingly from the mint flavouring and my jaw would get sore. It was awful, until Olga started painting my nails, and I started picking at the nail polish instead. It wasn’t the same but it gave me something to do when I would get antsy. I’m not saying stop, I’m saying that it’s not sustainable to be in a constant state of harming yourself, try this instead. Mapi uses stress balls when she does her knee, Kika taps her fingers, Ingrid braids hair. There are replacements.”

You want to point out that the pain is what makes your habit good, it gives a bit of relief from the constant fog you live in, but it doesn’t seem valid.

“As for being afraid of getting injured, I can guarantee you, from the deepest part of my heart that if you get injured I will advocate for you. I’m assuming Pere knows about some of this, he will advocate for you. There will be systems in place to stop what happened to you last time from happening again. Our team is here for you in whatever capacity you like, this is a fresh start for you, you are allowed to be whoever you want, you can be you. At the very least I can guarantee that no matter what happens, if you go back to drugs tomorrow I will be there for you, I care for you enough to help you. You can’t live in fear of a hypothetical, not when there are so many opportunities here for you to have more, you can have your career back if you want it. It’s all about how much you are willing to give, because I can guarantee if you give it all then you can be as good as you were, probably better.”

Alexia finishes with your first hand and moves onto your second. If she notices the tears rolling down your face she doesn’t say anything.

“The team doesn’t hate me?”

Alexia looks up at you, her eyes twinkling.

“No carino, absolutely not. They wish you’d open up some more, but they don’t hate you. They understand you’ve been through a lot and that you’re struggling.”

Struggle. You don’t feel like you’re ever not struggling, struggle is the word that defines you in your brain.

“I want to be better, I want to not feel scared all the time, I want to feel free.”

It’s hard to admit, when you’ve been trying to convince yourself of the opposite for months but it’s all a clear lie. You don’t want to feel like shit all the time.

“I think we can work that out.”

Alexia’s solutions aren’t perfect, but as the weeks pass and the seasons change life gets better.

You start to pick up more minutes at the club, your game is improving at a rapid rate and you manage to find a spot in the starting eleven. Alexia paints your nails at least three times a week, you pick at it at all hours, and sometimes you scratch or pick but overall it’s better. You branch out a bit as well, manage to find your place into multiple friend circles and connect with quite a few of the girls.

Kika decorates your apartment, Marta stocks your fridge with ‘proper’ food, Ingrid takes you shopping for clothes, Esmee goes book shopping with you and Mapi starts coming to your NA meetings with you when she has a spare night.

It’s so good, you settle into a lull for the first time in years.

You suppose comfort must be what comes to bite you in the ass.

It all lights up during a game against Levante.

You’re standing in the box for a free kick when a player pins your arm behind your bag and tugs, hard.

As soon as it happens you know exactly what's wrong. You know the feeling all too well.

The pain is the same excruciating feeling you’ve already experienced, you’d been doing so good, it had all been so good, until now.

You drop to the ground, you can feel the pain but it’s not what you're focusing on. All of the memories of the last year of your life flash right before your eyes like a movie, and you feel panic-stricken.

You feel like the exact same person you were a year ago, all the progress, all the changes, it’s all gone.

The medics come to your side in a matter of seconds, but you can’t talk, you can’t think, you can’t breathe.

It’s happening again. It’s all happening again. Everything you’d been running from is back.

The medics manage to pull you over to the sideline, they ask their questions but you can’t respond, you can’t think about anything besides your biggest fear now coming to fruition.

Everything had been so good. Hell, Sarina had come to watch you today, Pere was in talks with your agent about extending your contract, you were looking at new apartments with longer leases, you were looking at leasing a car. It was all too perfect, everything was too good.

They manage to usher you into one of the seats in the dugout, but you’re in an almost catatonic state as they try and assess you.

“Oi, pequena, I need you to focus, you need to tell us what hurts.”

Alexia’s face in front of you manages to pull you out of it a bit. She was sitting out today's match out in precaution due to a hamstring issue.

“M-My tricep.”

Alexia's face dims a bit, like she knows exactly what’s going through your head because it’s flashing through her own.

“Okay, it’s okay. Let’s get you back down into one of the physio rooms. I’m here, I’m coming with you, I’m here for you.”

Your brain feels heavy, every thought feels heavy. You’re so numb the pain is gone, the only thing that matters is what is about to happen, what could happen.

Alexia leads you out of the stadium and into the tunnel, the medics flank her on either side and lead you back into one of the medical rooms.

“Carino, the doctors need to examine your arm. They’re just going to look at it to make sure that nothings broken, okay? You’re being so brave for us right now, I just need you to hold on for a bit.”

Alexia goes to let go of you but you hold on. You don’t know what to say but she seems to understand.

“I’m staying okay, just let me move so that there’s some room.”

Alexia moves to the side of you, sitting down next to you on the physio bed you're perched on and interlocking your good hand with hers.

The medics are quick, you can hardly feel them.

“It’s probably a tear of some degree to her tricep. She'll need scans, we can get her a green whistle to deal with the pain now before we take her to the hospital for scans.”

Pain. Medication. Drugs. Addiction.

Chronic. It’s all a chronic issue. Addiction is chronic by nature, you have a chronic addiction that you will never be able to out live. You are in a cycle, and this is just the beginning of a new one. This was bound to happen, you knew this was going to happen, you were fearful for a reason. You are chronically living in your past, it’s going to keep happening over and over again. You could have avoided this if you weren’t greedy, if you weren’t so greedy this could have been avoided.

“No pain medication, nothing.”

The medics furrow their brows.

“Can you give us a minute, alone, please?”

The medics look hesitant but one glance from Alexia seems to convince them.

As soon as they’re gone Alexia lifts up from the bench next to you, her knees bumping with yours as she stands in front of you.

“I promised you I would be your advocate, right? I am here to support you. I am here to make sure that nothing happens that you don’t want. I know you’re up on adrenaline right now but your tricep is torn pequena, and in a few minutes it’s really going to hurt. The green whistle will stop that, it’s not drugs, it’s not your addiction. I will be with you every step of the way, but you don’t need to suffer. Whatever this is, I promise you it’s going to be okay. I am here to stop what happened last time from happening. I am here for you. Okay?”

You don’t know if you believe her, you don’t know if you can. Last time you were supposed to trust in other people to keep you safe. You couldn’t trust somebody to do the same this time around.

“Chica, look at me. Only at me. You’re going to take the whistle, not because you are an addict but because you are in serious pain. I’m going to come to the hospital with you and I will make sure that everything that happens is in your interest okay? No pills, if you don’t want pills, we will make it work.”

You concede, because the pain is starting to overwhelm you and you trust Alexia, properly trust her.

The green whistle helps, it helps you to feel less like you’re on the verge of a panic attack and it helps the team doctors to do a better inspection of your arm. They decide it definitely isn’t broken and that once the match has concluded they will take you straight to the hospital. Alexia sits with you for it all.

When the game does conclude Alexia walks you out and straight to the car of one of the medical staff. You’re both stopped on the way there though, by Sarina.

You feel like you’re going to hurl, but to throw being face-to-face with somebody you have so much shame for, you literally think you may vomit.

Alexia feels the way you tense up, and whilst she wants to pull you away she also doesn’t want to strip you from an opportunity that is clearly here for you. She’s watched you work your ass off for this moment.

“Ms Sarina, she would love to talk to you but we have to get her to the hospital.”

Alexia doesn’t really know what to say to the woman, she doesn’t want to say anything on your behalf.

“I’ll call you tomorrow, I’m very impressed with you y/n, you’ve come a long way and if this isn’t too much of a setback it would be great to have you back in England at some point.”

You laugh, Alexia isn’t sure whether it’s the pain medication or just you, but you laugh, loudly and obviously.

“Wait, really? After what happened?”

Sarina smiles, in the way that makes Alexia feel comfortable.

“I’ll call you, we can talk about it, but it’s clear you’ve come a long way and there is no reason why your past should define you.”

Alexia smiles to herself, it’s the same thing she’s been telling you for weeks now, but hearing somebody else tell you it as well makes her think she must be doing something right.

“Thank you Sarina, thank you so much.”

The scan confirms what you already know, which is that your tricep has a tear through it. The only saving grace is that it’s not a full tear so you don’t need surgery. You cry when the doctor tells you, properly, full body sobs.

It can’t be happening again. You can’t survive it happening again.

You wait around in the hospital with Alexia for a few hours whilst the Barca medical team talks with the hospital team to figure out what your best course of action is.

You don’t know what to say to Alexia, you don’t know how to articulate just how sickeningly horrific this all is, about how reliving the worst part of your life is. She seems to understand though, you figure that she can at least relate to having a major injury impact a person's career. Even though it wasn’t your injury that affected your career, but the support system around you.

Some of your teammates flow in and out to come and check on you, you don’t pay much attention, you really can’t. You feel so utterly consumed by it all, in a way that you can’t comprehend in any way.

When the physios come out they ask to talk with you and you can’t really say no. All you want is to go home, or go to Alexia’s house. You need some space to be vulnerable enough to process the shitstorm that’s happening in your life.

“We’ll keep this short because it’s late. Our concern is purely with your mental and emotional health. If you don’t want to play through this then you do not have to. We can make a plan for you to but if that’s not what you want then you can take the time off. If you want to play then we will support you but we are also going to be conscious of your past. You’ll need pain medication but we’ll keep it in small amounts and it will be handed out only by the physios and in strict doses. Past week three you’ll be slowly weaned off, in the proper way. We can coordinate with your sponsor as well if that’s what you’d like and we can find a specific psychologist who specialises in addiction to come in to see you. This is all about what is going to make it easiest for you. We want you to be able to rehabilitate however it’s going to be easiest for you.”

Everything they are saying, it’s all too good. You feel like you can breathe, a little bit. It’s too much, it’s so different to what you’ve experienced in the past. Overwhelmingly different in all the good ways that make you sad that you didn’t have it in the past when you needed it the most.

You cry, it feels good.

Alexia hugs you, properly hugs you for the first time and you let yourself seek out the comfort you need.

“It’s over carino, it’s all over, you’re okay, you’re going to be okay.”

You don’t know what to say, you’re actually at a loss for words. Crying seems to do it for now, it feels like enough, when the time comes you’ll be grateful and so incredibly happy that you were put in a place that helped you so much. For now though, you just let yourself feel it all, because once you couldn’t, and you refuse to be that same person, you refuse to let your past dictate who you are now.

[meazalykov]

I want to cry, this is so beautiful :') ❤️❤️

Pagtingin! . hyun-ju

" When I reveal my feelings I hope your opinion of me won't change When I confess my secrets I hope your opinion of me won't change " - patingin by ben&ben

in which . in which Hyun-ju comes back after the events of the game and she happens to bump into her partner who she left without an explanation.

cho hyun-ju x reader (fem) . angst/fluff

based off . ♡

Strolling through the busy streets, you stumbled upon your favorite café. As you stepped inside, you were greeted by the comforting aroma of coffee and vanilla, wrapping around you like a warm embrace. Sweet bossa nova music played softly in the background, blending with the gentle hum of conversations. It was the perfect day to settle down and work in the cozy atmosphere of the café. After ordering your usual coffee and sweet treats, you made your way to a nearby table by the window.

Taking your seat, you gazed out at the bustling street. Sure, it might seem cliché to some—a solitary figure at a window seat in a café—but to you, it was a small joy. The window wasn’t just a pane of glass; it was a lens into the endless stories unfolding outside. Watching strangers go about their lives, you found yourself imagining their worlds. Two girls walked past in school uniforms—you guessed they were high schoolers, maybe around fourteen or fifteen. Your eyes followed a middle-aged man pedaling his bike, his neatly pressed office attire suggesting he worked in accounting or something similar.

It fascinated you how everyone’s lives were so different from your own. Each person outside that window carried a story you’d never fully know, lives that were nothing like yours—boring, miserable, yet oddly peaceful and happy in their own way. And for a moment, watching them, you felt connected to something bigger, as though their differences somehow brought you closer to understanding your own quiet existence.

Your thoughts suddenly come to an end when you hear a group of people laughing next to you. You wish you had your earbuds with you to drown out the sounds but the gods were against you and made you forget to bring it. Wallowing in your sadness, you heard a familiar laugh coming from the table next to you and it made your mind race, turning to the table next to you…

It was her. For a moment, you froze, your breath hitching in your chest. Oh, how you wished this was a dream—because it certainly felt like one. A dream so vivid, so achingly beautiful, that the thought of waking up filled you with dread. But it wasn’t a dream. The world around you blurred and faded, leaving only her, like the central figure in a watercolor painting.

And then you heard it, her laughter. That soft, melodic sound you thought you’d forgotten but never truly could. It was like a gentle breeze carrying fragments of your past, filling you with a bittersweet ache. That laughter brought you back to a time when everything felt lighter, simpler, and whole. Nostalgia crashed into you, raw and unrelenting, pulling at the corners of your heart.

You wanted to move, to say something, but all you could do was sit there, drinking in the moment. That sound, that sight of her—it was a warmth you hadn’t felt in what seemed like forever. And for just an instant, you allowed yourself to believe that this wasn’t just a fleeting memory or a trick of your longing mind but something real, something you could hold onto, even if only for a little while.

You hadn’t realized how long your gaze had been fixed on her until you noticed she was looking back at you. Her almond-shaped brown eyes met yours, locking you in place. She gave you a smile like before, but your mind drifted to how beautiful and ethereal she looked as the sun from the window embraced her figure. Her hair was tied neatly into a ponytail, the soft simple makeup making her look beautiful. You felt like you were seeing an angel for the first time, you felt like you were seeing her for the first time. And it made her heart skip a beat. You noticed how she excused herself to her friends and she was now making her way towards your table, quickly you moved your laptop and notepad away, your fingers running through your hair as you fixed it and made it look more presentable. 

“Hi…” Hyun-ju said shyly, looking right at you with a soft smile, you looked up from your notepad and gave her a tight smile. Awkward silence filled the air as the tall woman stood still in front of your table, you took notice and felt bad. You motioned your hand to the empty chair in front of you indicating that she can take that seat. Another set of awkward silence filled the coffee shop, the tension was so thick you felt as if coming to this cafe was a mistake. 

“You look beautiful today.”

The words hung in the air, soft but sincere, making Hyun-ju pause. Her eyes flickered to you, but you avoided her gaze, focusing instead on the cup in your hands. Still, the familiar warmth spread through her chest. Hearing you call her beautiful always meant the world to her. It was a reminder that you saw her, loved her, just as she was. Yet, the pang of guilt was unavoidable. She had walked away without a word, leaving behind questions that she still couldn’t answer.

“Thank you,” she murmured, her voice barely above a whisper. Her eyes caught the faint smile tugging at your lips, and something shifted. A flicker of hope sparked within her, a fragile belief that maybe, just maybe, there was still a chance to mend what had been broken.

As if on cue, both of you started speaking at the same time, your voices overlapping awkwardly. You exchanged startled glances before bursting into quiet laughter, the sound breaking the tension between you. It was a silly, fleeting moment, but it carried a strange weight. For a second, it felt like you were teenagers again, stumbling through the nerves of a first date. Or perhaps it was just the awkwardness of two people who once knew each other so well, trying to find their footing again.

You stole another glance at Hyun-ju, and the sight of her hit you harder than you expected. The ache in your chest flared up, a sharp reminder of the emptiness her absence had left behind. No matter how much you had tried to fill that void, it had never worked. And now, sitting here with her, you couldn’t help but wonder if that missing piece had always been her.

But words refused to come. Your throat tightened, the lump there stubbornly blocking every thought, every feeling you wanted to voice. The two of you sat in silence, the weight of everything unspoken pressing down. Yet, in the quiet, there was something unbreakable—a connection that time and distance hadn’t erased.

You hear Hyun-ju clear her throat, you glance at her as she says, “I…I miss you, it’s been a while.” It made you smile a bit despite the hurt you were feeling inside, “I miss you too.” You said softly, as your thumb caresses the warm cup of coffee. You never felt this wave of emotions before, something so bittersweet. Sadness and hurt was evident on your face and Hyun-ju can clearly see it. 

Your teary eyes locked with hers. “Funny, isn’t it? It’s been five weeks. Five weeks since I last heard from you.” Your voice wavered, though you tried to mask it with a frown. “And now, here you are, showing up as if nothing happened.” The words came out colder than you intended, laced with the bitterness that had been festering in the void her absence left behind.

Hyun-ju stood frozen, her lips parting slightly as if to speak, but no words came. What could she even say? Would you believe her if she told you the truth? That she had been kidnapped, thrust into a series of deadly games because of her debts and her desperation to complete her transition? That she had watched countless lives end in horrifying ways, the weight of survival pressing down on her with every passing second?

You noticed the flicker of conflict in her expression, and it only fueled your frustration. “Look,” you said sharply, “if you don’t want to deal with this—us—it’s fine. Just say it.” Your voice cracked, but before you could say more, Hyun-ju cut you off.

“Y/N.” Her voice was firm, but there was a tremor in it. “I never said I didn’t want this. Or that I wanted it to be over. You mean too much to me.” Her gaze dropped, her voice softening. “You… you wouldn’t understand. That’s the problem.”

“Understand what, Hyun-ju?” you snapped, your frustration boiling over. “You can’t just show up and expect me to be okay after you disappeared without a word. No call, no text, nothing. Five weeks, Hyun-ju. Five.” Your hands trembled as you clenched them into fists, your voice growing harsher. “Do you know how hard I tried to find you? How much I worried? Don’t tell me I don’t understand when you’re not even telling me what I’m supposed to understand.”

Your words hung heavy in the air, cutting through the fragile tension like a blade. You didn’t want to sound this harsh, but the hurt, confusion, and stress had built up too much to hold back. It wasn’t just the absence that hurt—it was the silence, the unanswered questions, the sense that she had left you in the dark without a second thought.

The tone of your voice cut through Hyun-ju’s heart more deeply than you could ever know. Her chest ached with guilt, the weight of her choices pressing down on her. She had thought leaving without a word was the right thing to do—a way to protect you from the chaos of her life. But now, facing the consequences, she realized how wrong she had been. Immature. Thoughtless.

“I just…” Her voice faltered, barely above a whisper. “I thought you wouldn’t love me anymore… that I’d be a disgrace to you, the way I am to everyone else.” Her words were soft, almost as if she was afraid of saying them out loud, afraid of the weight they carried.

Hearing her broke something in you. You had been so consumed by your own pain, your own confusion, that you hadn’t stopped to see hers. In that moment, you realized it wasn’t just you who had been hurting. She had been carrying her own burden of fear and self-doubt, silently tearing herself apart. And now, her vulnerability was laid bare, raw and trembling in front of you.

“You deserve someone better than me, Y/N,” Hyun-ju whispered, her voice trembling. “You can’t be in a relationship with someone like me—”

Before she could finish, you reached out, gently taking her soft, larger hand in yours. “Stop,” you said firmly, your voice steady but full of emotion. “I don’t care, Hyun-ju. I don’t care about any of that.”

Your thumb gently traced small circles over her hand, grounding both of you in the moment. “I love you for who you are. Every part of you. To me, you’re perfect—the most beautiful woman in the world. And honestly, it amazes me every single day that you chose someone like me to be with you.”

A tear slipped down your cheek as you gave her a soft, heartfelt smile. It wasn’t just your words that spoke—it was the way you looked at her, as if she was the only person in the world who mattered. 

Hyun-ju let out a choked sob, gripping your hand tightly as if you might disappear. “I just… I thought that one day you’d wake up and realize you deserve someone better. That—That you’d see I’m not enough for you because I’m not perfect.” Her voice cracked as tears spilled freely down her cheeks. “This body… this body that I’ve fought so hard for, it’s still not enough. People look at me and see a lie, a joke. I thought maybe one day you’d see me the same way, and it would break me, Y/N. It would destroy me.”

Her words came in waves, each one laced with years of pain and fear. “You deserve someone who doesn’t have to fight to exist. Someone who doesn’t carry the kind of baggage I do. I’ve seen the way people stare at us when we’re together. The way they judge you just for loving me. And I thought… maybe you’d get tired of it. Of me. Of always having to defend me, to fight for me. I thought you’d leave, and I didn’t think I’d survive it.”

Her voice grew softer, trembling as she continued. “You have no idea what it’s like… to constantly wonder if the people who love you will stop when they finally see you for who you really are.”

The raw vulnerability in her words cut through you like a knife. God, it pained you to see her like this. Without hesitation, you rose from your seat and moved to her side. Kneeling down, you gently placed your fingers under her chin, lifting her face so she could meet your gaze.

“Oh, love,” you murmured, your voice soft yet steady. “I will never, ever leave you. Not now, not ever. Do you hear me?” You brushed away the tears streaming down her face, your touch gentle and reassuring. “You are enough, Hyun-ju. You’re more than enough. You’re the bravest woman I know. You’ve fought battles most people couldn’t even imagine, and you’ve come out stronger every time.”

You gave her a soft smile, hoping it could reach the cracks in her heart. “You’re my Hyun-ju. The one who fills my life with warmth and love. The one who makes those incredible meals so I don’t have to spend a dime eating out. And the one who makes me laugh when I don’t even think I can smile.”

Your thumb stroked her cheek as you looked into her tear-filled eyes. “I don’t care what the world thinks, or what anyone says. I see you, Hyun-ju. I love you. Every single part of you. And nothing, nothing will ever change that.”

In that moment, you weren’t just offering her words—you were offering her a piece of your soul, a promise that no matter what storms came your way, you would face them together.

“I love you, Hyun-ju. All of you. Your body, your personality—everything. I love you,” you whispered, your voice steady and filled with sincerity.

You leaned in slowly, giving her a moment to meet you halfway. As your lips met hers, the kiss was tender, a gentle melding of emotions rather than just a physical gesture. It was soft but full of meaning, as if you were pouring all the love, reassurance, and devotion you felt into that single moment.

Her lips trembled against yours, and you could feel the faint taste of salt from her tears, but neither of you pulled away. Instead, you cupped her face with both hands, your thumbs brushing away the wet trails on her cheeks. She responded hesitantly at first, as though afraid to believe this was real, but then her hands found their way to your arms, holding onto you as though grounding herself in your presence.

When you finally pulled back, your foreheads pressed together, her breath mingling with yours. “You’re my everything, Hyun-ju,” you said softly, gazing into her tearful eyes. “Always.”

“I love you too.”

You smiled softly, leaning in to press a gentle kiss to her cheek. “How about I buy you that favorite dessert of yours?” you offered, your voice light and filled with affection.

Taking her hand in yours, you gave it a reassuring squeeze before flashing her a smile—one of those rare, genuine smiles that you saved just for her. It was the kind of smile that spoke volumes, one that told her she was cherished, loved, and safe with you.

As you walked out of the café, your gaze lingered on Hyun-ju, unable to help but admire her once more. You silently thanked the gods for blessing you with such a wonderful partner, vowing to do anything for her.

a/n . i told myself I was going to make a part two of mesmerized but I honestly got kind of lazy...and this prompt I could not stop thinking about it. This is my first time writing angst since i'm more of a writer who loves writing tooth rottening fluff....LOL

[meazalykov]

awh :(

tell me I'm the number one girl in your eyes

alexia putellas x reader

word count: 2.5k

You thought that Alexia was the only person in the world who could never hurt you.

You thought about a lot of things. About how Alexia was going to be the one to propose. How your wedding was going to be an intimate one in your and Alexia’s hometown, by the vineyard. How you would have a maximum of two children, no doubt one of which was going to follow in Alexia’s footsteps.

Your life with Alexia was set. It was predictable, really. From the moment you met her back in Mollet del Vallès when you were children, to your first kiss in her backyard, to the day you moved to Barcelona together.

Childhood best friends who fell in love along the way—it couldn’t get anymore perfect than that. Your families were neighbours, it was practically one big family. Everyone was looking forward to your wedding, and by everyone that included you too.

You had been dating for fifteen years (well, you were on and off at some point, but that didn’t count), so it wasn’t far-fetched that you were expecting a proposal soon. You and Alexia talked about getting married, it wasn’t a new subject for the two of you.

The only problem was that the proposal wasn’t coming and for the first time ever, you had a feeling that it wasn’t going to come. Ever.

You couldn’t pinpoint when Alexia changed, when Alexia stopped buying you flowers just because and when the conversations between you felt forced. Maybe it was after Alexia went back defeated from the Olympics. Or maybe it was after Barcelona won the Champions League and Alexia was everywhere but your home.

The distance between you grew and grew until you were left to beg for Alexia’s attention as if you were another fan and not her girlfriend, the person Alexia claimed she loved more than anything.

“I have meetings with investors tonight, for Eleven.” Alexia’s voice broke the silence in your apartment. “Might go on until late.”

“Okay,” was all you could say.

Another excuse, you figured. Another reason to avoid coming home to you. It had been going on for some time. You couldn’t remember the last time you went to bed at the same time anymore. 

Alexia’s figure appeared in the kitchen, she went straight to the fridge and took out her box of orange juice. Gone were the arms around your waist, the gentle kisses to your neck as you read the morning news. Her laughter would ring around the space as she claimed “only old people read newspapers these days, amor!”

“Are we still on for tomorrow though?” You hated that your voice was hopeful. Too hopeful.

Alexia finally looked at you, her brows furrowed. You weren’t surprised anymore that she’d forgotten. It was laughable at this point because it seemed that you were the only one still present in this relationship.

“Tomorrow?”

“Yeah. Dinner.” You tried to act nonchalant about it, as if it didn’t hurt that your own girlfriend forgot about your birthday.

Alexia stared at you for a few seconds, then nodded. “Of course. You know I finish training at four. Dinner is at seven, right?”

“Six.” And I thought you have a day off tomorrow, you wanted to argue. But you kept your mouth shut and let it go. 

Alexia finished her orange juice and grabbed her bag, stepping close to you to press a quick kiss to your cheek. “Don’t wait up.”

And just like that she was gone.

“I love you too.” You whispered to the empty apartment. It felt humiliating at times, to be the only one left in a relationship.

You wondered if Alexia still loved you. You couldn’t remember the last time she said those three words to you. You had a feeling that she stopped, that must be why she never said it anymore.

You wanted to confront her about it, to ask her why you weren’t worth her time anymore, but you didn’t think you were ready to face the fallout. You would be devastated when Alexia decided it was time to leave you. It wasn’t an if, but a when, because you knew it was inevitable. It could be tomorrow, or in a few weeks or even months.

Selfishly, you wanted to keep Alexia to yourself a little bit longer. Even though Alexia didn’t feel like yours anymore. 

You could pretend that you didn’t die every time Alexia’s smile didn’t reach her eyes. You could pretend that it was fine that Alexia never held your hand as you walked through the streets of Barcelona anymore.

You could pretend that Alexia still loved you, and that you were still the greatest thing the universe had ever given her—her words, a few years ago.

Tomorrow, you knew Alexia would go through her day as if it was just another regular day. If you were lucky, she’d remember that it was your birthday. If you were extra lucky, she’d even give you flowers.

Above everything though, you just hoped that she would show up to dinner.

You didn’t think you had any fight left in you if she didn’t.

—

The sun was shining against your face the moment you opened your eyes. Out of habit, your hands reached out to the other side. You couldn’t help the disappointed sigh that left your lips when you were met with empty sheets. You relished in the mornings when Alexia wasn’t awake and you could hold her, even though you had to pretend to be asleep as she gently lifted your hand and slipped out of bed when she woke. You missed when she would turn around and peppered your face with kisses to wake you up. She loved being the first thing you see in the morning.

Usually on your birthday, Alexia would treat you to breakfast in bed. It was tradition, one that she started ever since the two of you moved to Barcelona about a decade ago.

For a brief second, you had a dangerous glimmer of hope that Alexia was just in the kitchen. But with how quiet your apartment felt, you knew she left.

Alexia forgot. Or maybe she remembered, but she didn’t care anymore. You didn’t know which one was worse.

With a sigh and an ache so deep in your chest, you got ready for the day. You went through your usual routine: shower, breakfast, tidying any mess around your apartment that was out of place. 

It wasn’t until an hour later that the doorbell rang. A part of you hoped that it was Alexia, but the thought disappeared as fast. Your girlfriend wouldn’t need to knock on her own door.

It was a delivery man. Surprisingly, with flowers in his arms. Your heart leaped to the faint hope that they were from Alexia.

“Y/N?”

“That’s me.”

“Must be a special day,” he gave a kind smile, handing the flowers over to you. “Delivery for you from… Alba.”

The tinge of disappointment couldn’t help but creep into your chest. Still, you gave him the best smile you could muster and thanked him.

Alba remembered your birthday. Scrolling through your phone, you saw more people who remembered it was your birthday, even people you weren’t that close with.

It was radio silence from the person who mattered the most to you though.

Sitting alone on your sofa, you realized that you had nothing to do. You cleared your schedule out, and Alexia would usually take the lead. It was tradition to spend your birthdays just the two of you.

You dragged yourself to Mercadona, wanting to buy yourself a small cake and some candles. Before blowing the candles out, you wished for the impossible; birthday wishes were supposed to be powerful, weren’t they?

I wish things go back to the way they were before

Most importantly… I wish my girlfriend still wants me

—

You arrived at your favorite restaurant at exactly six o’clock. You ordered a bottle of wine and finished two glasses when thirty minutes had passed and your girlfriend was still nowhere to be seen.

The need to cry was overwhelming, you felt the tears pooling in your eyes already, waiting for the right time to fall. But you swallowed the ache and forced yourself to think of something happy, because crying whilst being alone at a table clearly meant for two was pathetic.

Your texts and calls went unanswered. An hour in and your last resort was to call Mapi and ask her if she’d seen or heard from Alexia.

“¡Hola, cumpleañera!”

“Maps, hey,” you tried to keep your voice steady, but they were futile. You were truly going to sound pathetic with your question. “Have you… Is Ale with you?”

“Qué? Alexia? Is she not with you?” Mapi sounded concerned. She sounded like she was ready to fight her best friend for you. The fact brought a slight smile to your face.

“No,” you took a deep breath. You couldn’t believe this was how your relationship had come to be. “She’s supposed to be here an hour ago.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry, chica. She left a few hours ago, I don’t know where she went.”

“That’s okay.” You stared at your empty glass and contemplated on whether you should pour yourself another. You’d finish the whole bottle by yourself at this rate.

“Do you… do you want me and Ingrid to come over?”

The offer was sweet, your heart swell at the reinforcement that there were still people who cared about you. But you didn’t think you could go through conversations without breaking down.

So you politely declined Mapi’s offer and poured yourself another glass of wine. You were finishing this bottle, you decided.

It was a strange feeling. To feel abandoned. Alexia had never made you feel that way before.

Alexia was your safe space. She made you feel loved and made you feel that you mattered.

That Alexia felt like a lifetime ago, like she belonged to another, better version of you—one worthy of her time and effort.

—

The apartment was dark when you got home, but you knew Alexia was here. Her car keys were on the hook, and the shoes she wore earlier were haphazardly placed by the front door.

“Ale?” You let out a wince as you took off your heels, you could feel a blister coming.

As you entered your living room, you found your girlfriend still in her Barcelona sweatshirt passed out on the couch. She looked so at peace that you couldn’t help but pressed a kiss to her forehead.

As much as you hated how she’d been treating you, a part of you still had so much love for her. You knew you deserved better than this version of Alexia, but you didn’t think you had it in you to let her go.

Alexia stirred, not even a guilty look when she opened her eyes and saw you standing there. “Hey, what time is it?”

“Late,” you muttered, walking back to your bedroom. You heard faint footsteps behind you, telling you Alexia was following you. You knew she was watching you, you in your fitted black dress that stopped just above your thigh. It was Alexia’s favourite dress on you, hence why you decided to wear it tonight.

“I… fell asleep,” Alexia’s voice broke the silence. She must’ve realized her mistake then. A part of you broke when she said nothing else, not even an apology.

“That’s fine,” you shrugged. You stripped off your dress and changed into a t-shirt. When you realized it was an old, faded one which belonged to Alexia, you angrily took it off and tossed it aside. This was supposed to be your side of the closet, but over the years, your clothes and Alexia’s have blended together.

“Amor…”

You couldn’t remember the last time Alexia called you that. It used to bring you warmth, but now it only made you feel mocked.

“What, Alexia?” You turned around and the sight of her finally in front of you, of her finally looking at you, made you snap. “It’s not like I waited hours for you, looking like a complete idiota as the waiter kept on checking if I was okay.”

“I didn’t—”

You put a hand up, signaling your girlfriend to stop talking. “Save it, Alexia. You know, I wasn’t even surprised that you didn’t show up. But I thought that your girlfriend’s birthday must count as a special occasion, right? I guess I really do mean nothing to you.”

“Your birthday?” Alexia’s eyes went impossibly wide. 

You laughed, that evil laughter you hear from villains in movies. There wasn’t anything funny. You just felt so pathetic to the point that there wasn’t anything else you could do but laugh at the situation.

Alexia looked like she was close to tears, but you forced yourself to not feel bad for her. She made you feel so much worse these past few weeks.

“I don’t know what I did wrong, Alexia,” you sighed. You knew you were going to lose her after this. There wasn’t going back. “I’ve done nothing but love you unconditionally, but even that seems like it’s not enough for you anymore. It used to be though, so tell me, Alexia, what changed? What did I do to make you stop loving me? We used to be so good.”

The tears were flowing freely down your face. You looked terrible. Your heart was in pieces. It wasn’t a birthday you wanted to remember.

“Ale… If you don’t want me around anymore, the least you could do is tell me. Tell me so I don’t have to wait for you to notice me again. Tell me so I can pack up my bags and leave you alone.”

“It’s not like that,” Alexia finally spoke up, her voice barely a whisper.

“Then what? I feel like I don’t matter to you anymore. You’ve done a great job of showing me that. Forgetting that it’s my birthday is the cherry on top.”

Alexia was crying too, but you didn’t know why she was crying. Guilt, maybe? But this had been going on for some time, why feel guilty now?

“I don’t think I can do this anymore,” you decided, having to force the words out of your mouth. “I know you don’t want to be the one to end things, so I’ll do you a favour.”

This wasn’t what you wanted. You wanted Alexia to fight for you, to prove you wrong. You wanted Alexia to tell you that she was sorry and that she didn’t realize she had been neglecting you. You wanted Alexia to pull you into her arms and not let go. You wanted her to convince you that you were still the love of her life and that she still loved you more than anything.

But Alexia said nothing else and that was all you needed to know.

[meazalykov]

I NEVER SEEN THIS HELLO!?????

so good <3

esmee fic 👀 black reader who plays for barcelona and fans find out that reader does esmee's gameday braids. they start to suspect that reader and esmee are together!!!

MY ONLY ONE Esmee brugts x Black reader

Summary : fans put pieces together and find out not only are you dating esmee but you're the one who does her game day braids 💗

Contains: Esmee x black!reader, Fluff, Pina braids slander because tf not

A/n: Thank you so much for requesting this 🫶🏿 I enjoyed every bit of writing for this fic, and I hope you enjoy reading this if you have any other esmee requests or for any other player send them my way feedback are always appreciated and happy reading.

You and esmee have recently been dropping little hints about your relationship on social media. It all started when es posted a little story about your date that included a scenery pic.

You on the other hand, took it up a notch with postings you and esmee holding hands nothing to crazy, just enough to have people sitted for a soft lunch.

The second time you guys posted again was at the men's home game where your other teammates had accompany you.

Es had given you her hoodie because you felt a little cold and you made a story post about her jester. Which was where fans started connecting the dots because esmee had posted a photo dump.

In one of the pictures, you guys had taken a group photo, esmee still had her jacket in it. And your story of having es jacket on was stil up.

Everyone was either theorizing about the both of you or trying to convince themselves esmee was just helping out her forgetful teammates.

But something that blew it all up was a video that vicky took of you braiding esme hair a few days before a game. Confirming all the rumors about you too with the very accidental video.

"How come you only braid esmee hair before we have games". You heard a voice say making you look lose concentration on what you we're doing."Because one she's my girlfriend and two you never asked me to braid your hair, I mean you and pina share the same braider so your point?". You told the curly haired girl as you continued braiding not noticing she was recording.

"Aye! You can't blame me for sharing braiding info Claudia wouldn't leave me alone until I told her". You heard her say as esmee was laughing at her.

"Not our fault you have a weak backbone". Your girlfriend said moving the posting of her head onto your lap.

"Es stay stil for me I'm almost done". You told her, leaving a kiss on her cheek, unaware that vicky was stil filming.

"You're both so disgustingly inlove makes me want to puke". Vicky's voice echoes through the room making an exit to leave.

"You'll understand love one day, Vick." You yelled out to the younger girl as she left.

Vicky wasn't even paying attention when she posted the video as she had already left her phone in the locker room, not paying attention to what she had posted.

It wasn't until a break was called that pina came up to your group that consisted of you, esmee, vicky,salma and cata.

"Why would you guys say that about me and vicky you galdy gave me the braider info I did not pressure you to giving me". Pina said frankly looking annoyed.

"What did vicky post?". You had asked the younger girl looking quite confused. That when it hit vicky she had accidentally posted it public instead of close friends.

"I can explain it was meant for close friends I didn't know it got posted for the whole world, you can blame ona for rushing me you know". She said trying to defend herself.

"I don't care about it being posted you just ruined my soft lunch ugh". You told the group of friends.

"There's no point in hiding it again, baby we can just hard lunch I do have some photos of us that I've always wanted to post." You heard your girlfriend say.

"You guys problem is fixed but what about vicky badmouthing me to the internet". Pina said now irritated at the fact that people are going to think she harassed the younger girl for braiding info.

"You can start by stop getting them done, because people are calling you Lauren james knock off of the uwcl." You told pina making the group of girls around you laugh as you and esmee walked away from them.

“You’ll still braid my hair for me right”. You heard Vicky asking. "Si Si, you better get back to practice before your guardian Alexia comes and drag you away.

Yourusername&esmeebrugts

Cats out the bag thank you so much @vickylopez for ruining my soft lunch liked by ona.batlle, salma paralluelo and 12,034 people

Comments limited

@Vickylopez you're welcome me next for when you do esmee hair again

@ona.batlle freaking finally

@wosofan19w9 I knew it from the starts did anyone else see Vicky's story of them making fun of pina

@Claudiapina you don't need to rub it in our faces《Youreplied @patriguijarro doesn't keep you satisfied què? 《Claudiapina she's my bestfriend why would we be kissing?

@mapileòn @esmeebrugts when's the wedding?《@esmeebrugts replied when you tell us when yours and Ingrid is 😄

@sophiasmith happy for you bubs 💕 《Youreplied 🫶🏿

@yournumber1fan the chaos in this comment section

@cata.coll @kika you owe me 50€

[meazalykov]

love

under pressure II Barcelona Femení x Teen!Reader

masterlist | word count: 1829

summary: reader takes it too far in training and must live with the consequences. But no one sees the pressure which is weighing down heavy on her young shoulders.

author's note: dear readers, the oneshot was inspired by this request here, enjoy. In this story Lucy Bronze didn't leave Barcelona. <3

Training had started two minutes ago.

You rushed onto the training pitch, throwing your school stuff down into the grass and quickly slipped into your football boots. You were silently praying to whoever would listen that you would get away with being late.

Right as you stood up and wanted to join the rest of the team, you heard your coachs’ voice from across the field: “That’s strike one, it better not get to strike three.“

You frowned at him. “I’m only two minutes late!”, you protested, frustrated because you had done everything possible to make it to FC Barcelonas trainings grounds in time.

“And she had school.“, Ona added quickly. She had stopped her warm-up to help you out.

You shot her a quick grateful look.

“She knows when training starts.“, Pere replied unusually cold.

You swallowed everything you wanted to say. That it wasn’t your fault. That your Spanish teacher hadn’t let you go at the ring of the bell and that you tried to make up for it by running all the way from the metro station.

You nodded slowly: “We can start now…“

“Good.“, Pere said, turning back towards the rest of the group.

You joined your teammates on the pitch, deliberately ignoring the quick look Ona and Lucy exchanged when they thought you didn’t see them.

You flinched when someones arm suddenly brushed against yours.

“You’re good? No trouble in school?”, Aitana asked you with concern in her voice.

“No, Tana, it’s fine…“, you replied, jogging beside her.

“I’m just asking. You know I can help.“

A small smile tugged on the corners of your mouth. Aitana was always the first to offer her help with school stuff and while you didn’t need it at the moment, her asking meant a lot to you.

“Girls!“, Peres voice called them to the centre of the pitch where he explained your first exercise.

Twenty minutes later, you had your first drinking break. While you sipped on your water, you sneaked a quick look at your phone and quickly replied to a message.

Just your luck, you were caught breaking the team rules once again.

“Y/n!”

You looked up into Peres disappointed face and sighed: “Sorry, it was important!”

“No phones on the training pitch, you know that. That’s strike two.“

“But…“

You had no chance to explain yourself.

“You know that.“, he repeated.

Your frustration reached a new height. In your opinion, you hadn’t done anything wrong. They were small trivial things that didn’t interrupt training, there was no reason to make such a big deal out of it. Especially not after the day you just had.

“Oh, for fucks sake! I know but I also told you that the message was important!”, you exploded.

You and Pere seemed both surprised by the words that had just come out of your mouth.

“Cursing too?”, he asked with a sigh.

You only blinked at him in shock.

“That was very Lucia of her. You can tell she’s living at her place!”, Mapi burst out laughing next to you. You had no idea what was happening around you.

The confusion you felt was reflected in Lucy’s face who turned around to look at the defender from Zaragoza. “Excuse me what?”

“She’s got a point. It sounds like you.”, Ingrid agreed smiling.

“True. They even share a similar glare.”, Keira of all people added in a teasing tone. The English midfielder lived with Lucy and you when you rose from La Masia to Barcelona’s A team. Then they broke up and found new partners, yet you could still sense the mutual respect between them, and both loved you fiercely like you were their younger sister.

“I don’t care where she has it from, you know we’re not cursing on the pitch.”, your coach intervened growling.

“Sorry, I didn’t..”, you apologized trying your hardest not to cry in front of the team. No one should see the invisible pressure which was weighing down heavy on your young shoulders.

“That’s your third strike. Pack your stuff and leave my training.”, Pere demanded, his voice dripping with disappointment.

“Shit.”, you thought to yourself. This day really couldn't have gone any worse. The pitiful glances of your teammates made it even more terrible.

“Now.”, your coach waved impatiently.

 “We’ll talk at home, kid, okay?”, Lucy gave you an encouraging pad on the shoulder.  

“’ ‘Kay.”, you muttered under your breath.

After you left the training pitch, there was a silence hanging over the team which Ona broke first. “She seemed under pressure, so be nice to her later, Luce.”

“What do you think I’m going to do? Yell at her?”, her girlfriend snorted in disbelief.

“No, we can do that together.”, the younger defender offered kindly.

“Don’t worry, Ona. I know what I’m doing.”, Lucy assured her partner.

“Could the couples get back to training again?”, Pere requested grudgingly.

“Sure.”, the English player nodded.

“He’s in a bad mood today, huh?”, Mapi asked her while they were doing an exercise together.

“Weirdly, he’s.”, Lucy responded but her thoughts circling more around you than your coach. She had to find out what exactly was bothering you so much that you were acting out in training which you never did before.

Once you arrived at home you laid down on the sofa, staring at the ceiling, unmoving, Narla, the dog snuggling on top of you, an hour had passed when you heard the turn of the keys, realizing absentmindedly.

“Oh, hi, Luce.”

The West Highland Terrier immediately jumped off to greet the English woman. You could hear her and Ona talking in the hallway, the Spaniard apparently went to the kitchen to cook coffee for the three of you.

“Hey, kiddo. How are you?”, Lucy asked concerned as you made space on the sofa for her, so she could sit on it too.

“Was he still angry at me when you girls left?”, you returned the question. With a weak smile on your lips, you corrected the older player. “Also, Oni said you should stop calling me like that I’m going to be eighteen soon.”

“I don’t care what Ona says, I’ll stop calling you that when you’re taller than me.”, she shrugged.

You couldn’t help yourself, you snorted at her comment.

“Rude! I’m the same height since forever.“

Lucy grinned: “Bad luck, kiddo.“

Laughing, you pushed her with your shoulder: “You’re so annoying.“

“Now tell me what’s going on with you today.“

Lucys question wiped the smile off of your face, the heaviness returned to your chest in an instant.

There was nothing for a moment, just the ticking of the clock in the background.

“The teachers said I’m good enough for university…“, you finally heard yourself say.

“What?”, Lucy asked, mirroring your exact response when you were told earlier that day. Your brain had screamed at you to be happy about it, that your hard work had payed off and you might be able fulfil your wish of studying. But at the same time, you were filled with dread and worry about the future. There were so many thoughts at once, they were impossible to disentangle.

“But no one in my family studied before…“, you voiced one of your biggest concerns.

You were surprised to see Lucy looking back at you with a relaxed expression.

“Stop overthinking it. This is amazing and you will do great!”

“What? You think so?”

Lucy gave a single, impatient nod: “Yeah of course I think that. If I could do it, you can do it too.“

You let the warmth of Lucys words wash over you.

“Do you think they would be proud of me? My parents?”, you whispered into the silence.

Navigating life was hard enough and it had only gotten harder when you had lost your parents a few years ago. Graduating and going to university might be two other milestones in your life that you wouldn’t be able to share with them.

“I’m sure. At least we’re all proud of you.“, Lucy replied unusually soft.

Ona joined the two of you on the sofa and pulled you in for a hug: “That’s true. God, you’re so smart. Smarter than me at your age.“

“But you’re smart too, Oni.“, you smiled into the crook of her neck.

“Yes, but not book-smart like you.“

“Still.“

Once Ona let go of you, you could breathe a little easier.

“So tomorrow we’ll explain everything to Pere. But for now, Lucy, would you…?”, Ona said.

“Would I what?”

You blinked at her innocently, completing Onas question: “Start cooking?”

Laughing, Lucy ruffled your hair: “Yes, I’ll make your favourite food.“

“Thank you.“, you smiled.

“You’re welcome.“

A year has passed since you had the meaningful conversation with Lucy and Ona. Through the help of your teammates you did succeed, even graduating with honours.  This would open many doors for you which you were incredibly grateful for, you certainly didn't take higher education for granted.

To celebrate your big achievement the team prepared a little party in the cafeteria.

“Congrats.”, Pere gave you a warm handshake.

“Thank you.”, you smiled happily.

“You did it.”, Ingrid beamed at you.

 “We’re so proud of you.”, Fridolina added in awe.

 “Proud indeed. Well done, y/n.”, Alexia congratulated, pulling you into a hug so you couldn’t see her teary eyes. But you noticed them even though she tried to hide her emotional state from you.

“She’s all grown up now.”, Mapi commented delighted before she hugged the two of you who were still standing in the middle of the room. Once you released each other you could feel the heat in your cheeks from all the attention you received.

“She’s still a kiddo to me.”, Lucy threw in with a very pleased smirk on her face.

“Hey, you heard Mapi though.”, you protested.

“Pretty sure you’re still not taller than me, kiddo.”, she countered laughing.

“Does that mean you’re a kid too because you’re smaller than Irene and Alexia?”, you asked her in a teasing tone.

“That’s not what I said.”, the English defender replied.

“I’m just following your logic here.”, you told her. Apparently, Lucy didn’t find an adequate answer to your observation as she swept you off your feed and carried you on her shoulder.

“Shut up.”, she chuckled amused.

“Let me down!”, you urged the older woman giggling.  

“Forget it, kiddo.”, she shook her head.

“Ugh. Girls help me!”, you groaned.

“Lucia, put her down. No injuries today please.”, Pere ordered.

“You heard him.”, you whispered.

“Lucky for you.”, Lucy responded while your feet touched the ground again.  

“Time to celebrate.”, Ona smiled.

“It’s so sweet of you guys to have a party for me. I wouldn’t have done it without all of you.”, you noted deeply moved by the effort your teammates had put into it.

“You deserve it, enjoy.”, Alexia hummed.

“Thank you.”

You knew you could always count on them, and they could no matter what count on you.

if you enjoyed this story reblogs, comments and likes are always appreciated !