#mentalhealthguilt

[astrallazaelalbrecht]

Mental Health, Guilt And The Art "Community" TW: Unaliving Thoughts

Maybe people understand that feeling: Your mental health is at a steady decline and you´re unable to seek professional help so you need to cope with it yourself. But there is always that sneaking feeling that you dont deserve to feel suicidal or depressed. You have a home and your family isnt always bad to you. So how dare you feel bad if people have it worse than you? I feel like that a lot actually. But sometimes it helps to vent out what all happened to you and you realize that maybe your life was messed up after all. But under the surface. Still that guilt remains, maybe Im blowing it out proportion. Maybe Im faking it.

But I never before felt guilty for not harming myself.

But that changed recently. I was part of the LazyEule fandom and a member of her server. Her server is a poorly moderated mess she doesnt interact with. There is one kid mod who is abusing their powers, banning people who disagree with them and letting their friends do whatever they want. And thats where my mess comes in. That server is the perfect MicroCosm of the art community in general. You have lying, backstabbing and in-groups. Favortism and feuds. And naturally it got worse when the 12 year olds happened. (Okay that is just a joke but we all know that one fandom ruined by children.) Now I wont give much context. Its private and a lot to handle but I will summarize things a little: Alcoholic Father, aggressive brother, misfortunes and emotional neglect and abuse. I suffer from an eating disorder and fondness for painkillers. I also lost my last job thanks to our family name being so tainted they harrassed me out of the office, sending me into an inescapable limbo. With other adding to it, but this is the constant pressure I deal with. So sometimes when it gets too much I spiral into selfdestructive behaviour. Like picking fights to give me a reason to hate myself. That day I noticed that behaviour and left the main chat to enter the vent chat. Picking a harmless topic to vent out some steam without being too much. Some random child came in and just bragged to me how great their life was so I told them "Leave me alone then" and it appears that girl was massibly popular or friends with the mod because the dead as hell vent channel was suddenly swarmed by 3 other people. With two of them heavily dogpiling me and the third trying but failing to mediate. And so what I planned to be a harmless rant about my art became me fishing for reasons to hurt myself. I wasnt a saint, but I also was spiraling into an episode. I was vulgar, hostile and bitterly awful. So Im not even complaining I was banned. But I cant get over what lead up to me leaving. (Yes I left willingly) A friend suddenly became obsessed with me "being the adult" as if that means I cant go into a mental breakdown. She could tell I was distressed and when it all got to much I openly stated that I wanted to die. And expressed suicidal intentions. And for some reason my "friend" leaked a private story I shared in DMs with her to the whole server. Because I encountered a prankster once who openly admitted to faking suicidal messages. So not only did she share this story without my concent but she called me an attention seeker and suicide baiter. To win an argument with me. In a panic I left the server. Went to cry ugly adult tears in the bathtub and planned to harm myself, but my family came home and they needed me to do something so that intense mindset passed and it´s like you come to your senses. I talked to my friends and got myself together. Learning the same people who did this to me now banned someone over a naughty meme. The art community and its "quirky" children love to boast about mental health and awareness and taking things serious. But in reality they will simply weaponize it against you. The art community is a joke. Being an artist was a mistake and I will always regret wasting so much time on such a vile toxic hobby. I wish I had harmed myself, just so I wouldnt feel like a faker and suicide baiter.