kind of fucked up actually that my brain's physical architecture was altered by years of childhood abuse and trauma which has a proven effect on all future learning, behavior, and health and with this altered brain im expected to always hold down a full time job, to go to school, to love my family, to be the right weight, to conform to beauty standards and gender norms, to be disciplined, to be a perfect friend, to be a perfect person, to never make mistakes, to always say and do the "right" thing etc etc etc etc etc. it's insane for anyone to hold me to those expectations and insane that i'll hold myself to those expectations. i wish all abuse survivors and just all human beings could be free of all this pressure that's put on ourselves
3 notes
·
View notes
How I Hacked My Brain By Microdosing Psychedelics
Biohacking Notes
In controlled doses, the effects of ketamine, lsd, and naturally found psychedelics have shown to restore connectivity between atrophied neural pathways. As well as an increase in glutamine production without requiring re-dosing.
This can lead to sympton reduction in depression and anxiety disorders.
When I started microdosing, it was the summer of 2020, I had undergown a great deal of life changes, and lost some work opportunities as I perceived that my career as a makeup artist was finally becoming a viable possibility.
I understood my home isolation as a force that made me deal head-on with my negative thought patterns and subconscious insecurities.
I was going to therapy for ptsd, anxiety and depression, and had no options for medication in the country I lived in (nazi country, guess which one). So I did what anyone does with so much time to spare and so many inner demons.
I soaked a 100mq tab into 100mL of distilled water and a little bit of whisky, and let it soak for a few days in order to conduct my experiment.
What I used:
pure distilled water from amazon
convenience store whisky
LSD tab from unknown source
15mL syringe
test kit
With great spirits and Reddit as my guide, I began my journey with a schedule of a 5mL microdose every two days, as to not develop resistance to the substance. I used a test kit to make sure what I was ingesting was safe, as I do not recommend taking street bought tabs in general. Lucky for me I had the real deal.
Knowing your own predisposition is important in this experiment, as the recommended microdose tends to be around 10mL.
Knowing that I'm very sensitive to psychedelics, I chose an intake of 5mL.
The first day I felt like I was experiencing what an antidepressant would've done, I was in a good mood, but didn't feel high. My concentration had vastly improved, I spent the day making art and music, and whenever the process stalled or I made a mistake, I noticed my immediate response was not reactive. As in I could choose how to feel for the first time.
I felt the frustration arise, and I understood it. By looking at this familiar rising frustration and understanding it, I also became aware of my own tenacity in continuing to progress my art.
I noticed I could choose to be dissapointed in myself and my situation and wallow in my lack of resources, or I could choose to admire my tenacity and hard work in spite of lack of resources and lack of help.
As soon as this conscious choice became more obvious to me, and my mental state felt more malleable. I was able to apply it to more complex situations, per example, social anxiety.
As soon as I started to feel socially inept, I had the chance to obserb how quickly this feeling came over me, how automatic it was, and exactly what triggered it.
Being able to detach from the immediate feeling while understanding it non-judgementally and at the same time knowing where it comes from... Well, it would usually take a lot of conscious effort, time and energy, microdosing made this process easier.
Around the third week of my experiment, I started to research the uses of ancient medicine for healing, in particular that of ayuashca.
I started to do shadow work once again, and was surprised at how vivid my memories had become, I could recall events from infancy without being retraumatized by them. That made it easier to let go.
We don't know enough yet about neuroplasticity and psychedelics, but their ability to enhance cognition and repair synapses is corroborated by my experiment.
I ended my microdosing after two months, due to the fact that I was going to travel and could no longer be in a controlled environment, also my resistance to the substance had started to increase.
It's been two years now, and I look back on that summer with a smile, I somehow proved to myself that despair and hope can cohabitate. Many of my interpersonal relationships became healthier, and I dared to try out and experiment with things that I was originally terrified of.
I'm looking forward to the occasion when I can do it again.
I am forever thankful of realizing that it is a posibility to act, think, and feel not automatically, but consciously.
"I am not monkey brain or lizard brain. I am both, and neither at once"
14 notes
·
View notes