#might give my telegram to a few mutuals to keep talking

[vespertinefantasy]

I'm considering a break from tumblr (and all social medias) for a while or forever.

Idk.

I'll keep you updated.

[poppies]

hi everyone, i’ve decided that i’m going to take a hiatus from tumblr. i’ve been active on here since 2013 and i really do enjoy it. i’ve met so many lovely people: i enjoy seeing updates, interacting with everyone, and getting new book/movie/music recommendations.

however, i have always used social media as a crutch- an almost unhealthy way to pass the time- and this issue has only confounded itself these past few years. the internet can be an unforgiving place for those who struggle with setting boundaries and getting motivation, as well as those who gravitate towards escapism. i find myself feeling as if i am addicted to being online.

i might return in the future, but i plan on developing a new lifestyle first. if i manage to instill more of a healthy routine, i will probably try to re-integrate social media into my life again. but there’s no way of knowing how long that’ll take, since habits take a long time to build and break.

the main reason i’m writing this down is to hold myself accountable. announcing my plan will make me less likely to retract my statements. honestly, it feels scary, like i’m being plunged into cold water and learning how to swim. this probably sounds dramatic, but i have for so long used social media as my lifeline and i don’t want it to be that way. i want to live life for myself, and feel as if i’m making the most of every day. (this is not to say that tumblr is a waste of time, but i am unable to cultivate an online experience that isn’t all-encompassing and smothering).

my account won’t be deleted, i’m just giving my password to someone i trust who can keep my account until i decide to return. but if you decide to unfollow i understand and wish you all well <3

if any of my mutuals want to contact me, i have an iphone which can use imessage, a discord, and telegram. just message me on here if you want (i’ll be on here for another day or so before leaving) ^_^ seriously- i will probably feel really lonely and i’d love to make more friends so even if we haven’t talked much before this would be a perfect time to start!

thank you all for understanding and goodbye for now!!

[33max]

Second Chance

Warnings: Heavy Angst

Pairing: Tommy x Reader

Word Count: 2,011

Nothing hurts my heart more than two people who love each other dearly, but cannot get their relationship to work no matter how hard they attempt to fix it. Loosely based off of the following quote “It’s like you’re screaming and no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important, that without them you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you. And when it’s over and it’s gone, you almost wish you could have all the bad stuff back, so you can have the good.” 

Your breakup with Thomas was long, drawn out and painful. The two of you had slowly become distant - gradually growing disinterested, unaffectionate and cold towards the other party. At first, you thought you could fix things – you had been together since you were young and you truly believed you could get through anything if you did it together. Desperate to feel what you once had for the other, you and Tommy tried everything to mend your crumbling relationship. He took you on holiday, you went on a date every Friday night, Tommy spent more time at home and you tried to be more open minded to his business ventures. You were holding onto each other for dear life but after months of trying you had to face the truth, it just was not the same – you did not feel the same way about each other anymore.

It was Tommy who gave up first, breaking down one evening and telling you that he would love you forever but he didn’t know how to be with you anymore. That night Tommy did not let go of you, he wrapped his arms around you and nuzzled into your neck as if he was trying to rewind time to when the two of you were happy. You could do nothing more than stand there while he attempted to feel close to you for one last time, tears mixing with mascara and streaming down your cheeks. The break up was inevitable and you knew that, but your heart was shattered because Tommy had given up on you, on your relationship, on the life that you had built together.

The two of you decided that it would be too hard to try to be friends; at least for the time being, you both needed a clean break. If you were forced to spend time with him, you knew you would go running straight back when you started to miss him. Tommy offered to give you the house, the land, everything and move back in with his family until he sorted out a new place. However, you knew that if you were going to truly separate from Tommy then you needed to put distance between you. Gracefully, Tommy signed one of his properties in London over to you and within a week you were saying your final goodbyes.

He had given you a lift to the train station, walking you to the platform and carrying your bags for you. Every step you took, your heart broke a little bit further. A few minutes before your train was scheduled to depart, you knew that you had to be brave and say goodbye – this was what you both needed to be happy eventually.

“Tommy, don’t be reckless. Keep your head straight. Okay?” You croaked, eyes swimming with unshed tears. Your biggest concern was that Tommy would throw himself into work as a distraction from his heartache, not worrying about the consequences of some of his actions.

“I will. I promise.” He told you, his voice wavering as he tried to remain strong. If he gave in to his emotions, so would you and it would be too hard to say goodbye. He wrapped his arms around you, resting his forehead against yours. “I need you to be happy, baby.”

“Maybe one day I will be. Bye for now, Tom.” You whispered, placing a final kiss against his lips before pulling away from his grasp. You heard him groan as you walked away and you knew that if you turned around you would see him shattering in front of your eyes. You couldn’t look back.

The first month passed quickly, and for the most part you were completely numb. You felt absolutely nothing; on the rare occasion that your emotions were felt you drowned them in alcohol and remained in bed. The second month was much harder and lasted an eternity. You missed him terribly; he had been your best friend for most of your adult life and now there was a colossal void leaving you heart wrenchingly lonely. Most evenings you lay motionless in your cold bed, tears falling silently into the pillow because you were too exhausted to do anything but let them fall down your now bony cheeks.

It was the start of the third month that you realised you would take him back in a heartbeat. You would endure all of the problems that caused your relationship to fail if it meant that you could have him. You wanted to call him, or visit, or take a leap of faith by packing your bags and moving back to Birmingham.

Before you could do anything, a telegram arrived for you from Birmingham. Your heart thundered in your chest, your stomach somersaulting thinking it would be from Thomas – but it wasn’t and suddenly your world was spinning out of control.

[Y/N],

I hope you are well down in London, I really do. I’m terribly sorry that this telegram is the first that any of us have sent, but please understand that Tommy needed it to be that way.

I know that only his stubborn stupidity stopped him from running back to you, he realised his mistake a couple of weeks after you left. He truly thinks you are happier without him, but I’m not so sure.

That being said, the reason for me writing is not a pleasant one. Thomas is in the Queen Elizabeth Hospital in Birmingham. He has been there for an entire month, all he does is smoke opium and drown himself in morphine. I know it’s not just his physical injuries that are causing him pain and this is why I request that you come to Birmingham as soon as you can.

I will see you soon,

Polly Gray

Slowly, the telegram fluttered towards the wooden floor. A million questions swirled around in your head, making you want to break down and cry. However, there was no time for emotions to take over - summoning an ounce of composure you slipped on your shoes, grabbed your handbag and raced towards the train station.

As soon as you arrived at the Queen Elizabeth hospital it was evident that Polly Gray was not her usual self. Her hair was unkempt, she had large bags underneath her stormy eyes and she was visibly shaken.

“Polly!” You called out to her as you got closer.

“[Y/n].” She reached out to you, pulling you into her arms. It had been so long since you had seen any of the Shelby’s and her embrace felt like coming home. A sense of calm washed over you after being reunited with the woman that you once considered a mother figure. It was short-lived when you remembered why you had rushed to Birmingham. You untangled yourself from her arms so that you could look at her while you asked about him. “Where is he? What is wrong with him? Is he okay?”

“Tommy has not told us, but from what we have pieced together Tommy attempted to kill a man that was one step ahead of him. He walked straight into a trap.” She sighed, bringing one hand up to rub at the creases on her own forehead, as though she was trying to erase them. “He’s got a fractured skull, six broken ribs which punctured a lung and they put a bullet in his left shoulder.”

“What?” You cried, “How is he even alive?”

“We think he might have had unfinished business.” She said, holding your eye contact and attempting to read whether the feeling was mutual.

“Can I see him?” You begged, desperate to see your childhood sweetheart.

“Follow me.” She sighed before leading you down the corridor to the last room on the right, your arms linked in solidarity. She paused outside the door, gesturing for you to go inside without her. “I’ll give you some time with him.”

You pushed the door open slowly, anxious for the state that you would find Tommy in. Heart beating racing and taking a deep breath, you took in the sight in front of you – he was asleep and laying on top of the covers. You could see every single one of his injuries like this. A part of his head was shaved where there was a gruesome looking scar marring his scalp, his chest was mottled with deep bruises and he had a long clean stitched cut running along his left hand side from where the doctors must have cut him open to fix his collapsing lung. Finally there was a deep, but healing, bullet wound on his left shoulder. The man you loved was well and truly broken this time.

Sitting in the chair next to the bed, you took his hand into yours – pressing a quick kiss to the bruised back of his hand. The emotions soaring inside you were hard to understand, they were contradicting and confusing. There was grief at his current state but also relief at seeing him after so long.

“Hey, T.” You muttered, trying not to cry. This was definitely not how you wanted to reunite with him, speaking to his unconscious and damaged form.

“Fuck, not again.” You heard him whine; surprising you, but his eyes remained closed.

“Tom?” You asked, squeezing his hand. “You awake?”

“No no no no no no no NO,” He began to shout, tearing his hand away from yours before wincing in pain at the sudden movement.

“Baby? It’s me. It’s [y/n].” You whispered, trying to comfort him but terrified that he did not want to see you at all. You reached for his hand again, desperate to hold him and take away whatever pain you could.

“I can’t take this again, not again.” His face contorted.

“Can’t take what, Tom?” You begged, trying to understand what he was talking about.

“Every single time, when the drugs wear off you disappear.” He whimpered, still not opening his eyes. “I’m not going to look.”

“Tommy, I’m here.” You insisted, using your free hand to stroke through the hair that remained on his head, avoiding the nasty looking wound.

As soon as you stroked your hand through his hair his crystal blue eyes flickered open and he stared back at you in shock.

“It’s me,” You smiled at him, tears beginning to fall. “What have you gotten yourself into, Tommy?”

“It’s you,” He whispered, “It’s really you.”

“Yeah, I came running as soon as I found out.” You told him.

“I love you.” He whispered, turning his head slightly to nuzzle the hand that was still stroking through his hair. “I still love you, so much.”

“I love you too, T.” You told him, “I was just about to come running back to you, before you got yourself into this mess.”

“You were?” He asked, eyes drooping slightly and clearly still heavily medicated.

“Yes, I need you in my life, Tommy.” You were beginning to cry properly now, you had been holding in your emotions for too long. “We will find a way to make it work.”

“I would take all of that bad stuff back in a heartbeat if it meant that I could have you next to me every day for the rest of my life.” He said, almost incoherently before slipping back into unconsciousness – as though your conversation had taken all of his energy.

You leant your forehead onto the edge of the mattress, breathing in and out slowly in an attempt to control your raging emotions. It would be a long road to recovery both for Tommy and for your relationship, but you had never been more committed to making the journey.