#mirage leo makes me so emo

[tothefiniteyou]

Blind Sight - A Retrospective

Includes spoilers for the entirety of Tales of Leonardo: Blind Sight, as well as discussion of suicidal ideation, depression, and other sensitive topics. Some of the panels included might be considered gory as well. I'm also writing this with the assumption that you're familiar with what happens in the story.

I'd like to begin this little think piece of mine with a disclaimer; I'm going to be fairly vulnerable with this, as this is a piece of writing that impacted me greatly for a variety of reasons. Let's get into it.

The beginning to Blind Sight really begins with the 5th issue of the second volume to Tales of the TMNT - Blind Faith. I think it's very bittersweet that the story begins with Leo comforting a small Shadow who's still afraid of the dark, because it's a good way of setting the stage and tone for this story. Phobias and fears are typically irrational, and we're afraid not just of what we can't see, but what can happen because of that. They can control us because we let it fester and grow, losing ourselves to that fear.

When Leo loses his sight in this story, he has to be confronted with the fact that life won't be the same. He doesn't think he can lead or protect his brothers anymore, and he doesn't have control, either. He's very much someone that prefers information to be clear and concise with no punches pulled. He needs facts, and he relies on his senses and logic.

I know Jim Lawson has been praised plenty for making everything monochrome to show how Leo cannot see and no longer remembers what things look like, but his prose doesn't get enough attention, in my opinion.

There's a lot I admire about this entire story, especially the moment in which Leo believes he has taken an innocent life. There's nothing dramatic about it, as Leo isn't the type to have some over-the-top reaction. He freezes, mouth partly agape, as he takes in the fact that this could be permanent and that he has lost the ability to do the only thing he considers himself good at. It's such a subtle display of grief, and I love it.

Really, there's not much I can say about the actual event where he's blinded, and it's not what I want to focus on, either. I want to highlight the aftermath:

This scene really gets to me because we, as the viewer, only have Leo's perspective. There's nothing to see, just a black and white landscape of shapes. I think it's a good display of the dissonance between the brothers here. Mikey's trying his hardest to find some positives, or to at least not make his brother feel different. Leo, however, wants none of it; his grief is narratively blinding him in this story, and this scene is meant to show that. He's saying he still enjoys it up here, but it's a lie. It's a lie because instantly when he's alone, Leo begins to have Thoughts.

With these pages, it's clear that Leo considers himself to be his swords, in a sense. He's a weapon - his whole life has revolved around defending and protecting. After all, Splinter raised them with a single purpose; revenge. But revenge is what led to him losing his sense of purpose to begin with, so even then, what good is he? What purpose does he serve now that he can't fight like he used to? If something is broken, you throw it away; nobody has use for something that can't even do the thing you have it for. At least, this is the idea he's subscribed to here.

Now, Leo is definitely no stranger to depression in the original Mirage series. Hell, I'd argue that Mirage Leo was really the blueprint for IDW Leo, who has a similar goofiness contrasted with these types of melancholic monologue to him. He's so fixated on what he no longer has that he can't even get past it. To him, he's as good as dead. It's harsh to say, but I think he's having such a huge identity crisis that a part of him doesn't even want to try. He's just... So tired.

Of course, I'm sure he'd give everything to be able to fight again, but that's for his brothers. When it comes to people that need control, sometimes the scariest thing is realizing that your control wasn't actually ever needed. He fights for his brothers, but what if they don't need him protecting them? He could fight again, but he wouldn't forgive himself if it hurt and endangered them. He'd also be hurt if they did well without him, though.

After the incident in which they are forced to go to Northampton, Leo isn't in a coma at all. He becomes testy and goes out into the woods to hunt and be alone, scarcely seen by anyone else. He's more closed off here than in 2003 & 2012 and never seems to really talk. He sort of gets past it when Raph ends up being nearly killed by the Shredder, but my point here is that Leo seems to have a lot of identity problems.

He couldn't protect his brothers or April then, so he hunts. What's interesting about that is the fact animals are good at sensing enemies and tracking their prey, similar to how the Shredder herded Leo to where he needed him for the ambush (I wrote a little fic about this too teehee).

Anyway, it's clear that Leo prides himself on maintaining order. Any setback can cause him to spiral because of his need for control.

I think that's why this conversation scares Mikey so much, basically insinuating to their other brothers that he's genuinely afraid of Leo killing himself, directly or passively it doesn't matter. His fears aren't unwarranted, either.

Now, it's revealed that this ^^^ is just an intrusive daydream of Leo's, but still. Up on the radio tower, he imagines what it would be like to fall off, his own weapon piercing through him. This, to me, is very deliberate. He's the weapon, defending his family, but also ruining the lives of others, bad or not. His sword blinded the one that retaliated and blinded him back, which may as well have sealed his fate and killed him. Also, doesn't this seem a tad bit similar to seppuku? In that he's killed by his own blade? Seppuku is seen as the only way to regain honor in the afterlife...

The resemblance is meant to be there, I think, because what are the odds his katana is able to break through the concrete with the force of its fall and be blade side up long enough for him to be impaled by it? I suppose it can happen, but I think it just shows how Leo isn't his usual, rational self right now.

(I think it's also interesting in his little daydream that he doesn't imagine himself jumping off. He can't quite bring himself to do it, so instead of stepping off himself, he goes out of his way to picture one of the rungs snapping, leading him to fall. Now, on a meta level this could be a bit of a diversion tactic to scare you and make it feel real, but ehh. I think it can go both ways).

Anyways, he imagines his death in gruesome, visceral detail, to the point he wonders if his death would cause the death of his family as well. His leaps in logic are irrational. Because really, what are the chances there's a special mineral from the sewers embedded in his feet, leading to government agents finding the lair and killing his family?

This is the scene I really wanted to talk about, as I find it to be one of the most brutal and realistic depictions of depression. Later on in this series, Leo basically implies that there's plenty of ways he can die, and they're all preventable. All he needs is a reason to do so (keep them from happening), but he currently doesn't have one.

I think it's the same thing here.

He's looking for a reason to step off the tower - either to jump, or to walk away and go back home. He doesn't need some grand sign, he just needs a reason. So, he considers what it would be like, to die. But he can't even go through with it all the way because then he imagines Raph dying because of his decision. This is what finally causes him to snap out of it, choosing to abandon his katana.

Even when contemplating death, his family is still the reason he keeps going. He needed a reason to live, and imagining his brother(s) dying is what did it. He weaponized his own intrusive thoughts to live. His own death didn't scare him, but his family did.

Yet, a piece of him still clearly dies, as depicted by him throwing away his sword. He doesn't want to be the weapon anymore, but he's not too sure what he is without it. He wants to make a point that he's more than the weapon. However, you can read him dropping his katana as him giving up, thinking he only kills and is no longer worthy of trying to protect. Not after killing an innocent man.

He doesn't directly kill his brother, but I don't think that matters to Leo. Not when he internalizes mistakes.

Never before have I seen intrusive thoughts depicted this way, or even suicidal ideation, really. It's....not quite comforting, but makes me feel seen, you know? Sometimes it's not really the happy thoughts that keep you going, but your own fear twisted in a way that fits your narrative.

The fact the first issue just ends with this ^ page is also so.... We don't get to see him actually step off, because a part of him never leaves. It's still there, not sure which direction to go.

Self-blame is both a canon and widely fanon aspect to Leo's character. By that I mean the portrayal feels a bit fanon, as I don't think Leo's perfectionist personality is really explored until Vol. 2 of the original series (although there is the Northampton arc...) It's definitely there, don't get me wrong, but it's more like his self-blame comes from a place of grief and fear. I think this panel might make it clear what I mean?

These deaths were because he lost his autonomy, blindly killing without being able to do a thing to stop it. He blames himself for everything, but I don't think he trains relentlessly to be perfect or to necessarily protect people the best he can. I think he's scared of doing the opposite. It takes more control to not kill a person than it does to do so, in a way. Anyone can kill another, but having the skill to pull back and merely disarm an enemy whilst protecting yourself and others is marginally harder.

But he's having a hard time knowing if it was worth it, pulling his punches. If he had killed the Foot soldier that blinded him, he wouldn't be feeling like this now. He wouldn't be unable to help his family (as he has been blind for months by this point I believe?) like he currently feels like he is. He was trained since birth to kill the Shredder, just to suddenly have to save people. That's a very different thing!

Splinter literally started their ninja training the second they began walking and copying his movements. He trained them for revenge, just for them to have to be vigilantes as the time calls for it.

I think what I'm really getting at here is that he's more than just angst; he can be silly and bossy just because, too (Leo is such a bossy older brother). But his fear manifests in the urge to do his best, and really a lot of his angst is self-made.

It's not just "I have to be perfect", or "I'm trying to keep you safe." It's something more, though I lack the proper words to describe it... It's almost like he wants to bear the burden in the case a scenario just like this one happens. If being the best means facing the worst, so be it. Hopefully that makes sense...

I want to get more into how IDW Leo and Mirage Leo feel very one-in-the-same to me, but I think that's an essay for another time. It's just very important to me for you to know that Leo often questions his devotion to Splinter in the original comics.

Not only does he say things like this, but in this story, when Splinter pushes him down the hill in the woods and forces him to find his way back home while blind, all Leo says is: "I knew it." He didn't expect his father to outright help him or to offer sympathies. He just accepted that he was going to have to look inside himself and solve this psychosomatic matter. Just another example of Leo internalizing the idea that hurt is all in his head...

He stated "You think I'm crazy." when Splinter suggested he was keeping himself blind, as well. It wasn't a question, and that, to me, really showcases that all Leo's have daddy issues /hj.

Anyways, sorry that this was mostly incoherent and didn't serve too much of a purpose. I really just wanted an excuse to get people to read Blind Sight... well, and to talk about the scene in which Leo imagines endangering his family because of his actions.

[turtle-bun]

“This iteration of the Turtles and this iteration of the Turtles wouldn’t get along cuz of this!” “These two iterations wouldn’t get along because of that!”

FUCK YOU THEY ARE ALL BEST FRIENDS THAT SUPPORT EACH OTHER CUZ I SAY SO!!

(Please note I wrote this BEFORE watching Mutant Mayhem which is why they aren’t in it. I just forgot to post it lol 😅)

Rise!Leo: You all are so stern and serious. I feel like I should start being more stern and serious. Should I?

BatmanVs!Leo: Please don’t, it’ll be hell on your already waning mental health. /hj

Bayverse!Leo: I feel we need at least one funny Leo to break up the collective seriousness of the rest of us.

87 Leo: I thought me and my brothers counted as the “funny” version of all of us?

12 Leo: You guys are more of a “silly” version of us…sillier? Like the concept of turtles being ninjas is already silly as it is. Which there is nothing wrong with that, just that your cartoon logic is just very hard to keep up with sometimes.

87 Leo: That’s understandable.

Mirage Leo: I’m just jealous that you all get to be in color. Black and white gets so boring once you learn there’s color!

07 Leo: But your universe does have this cool graphic design to it that I’M very jealous of.

03 Leo: Of course, you fucking would be you dramatic edgelord. /j

07 Leo: I know the fucking EMO of the group did not just call me an edgelord! /j

Rise!Leo: Omg we love an E-girl!

12 Leo: *wheeze of laughter*

---

87 Raph: I just don’t think it’s fair that you guys get to be tall, is all! It’s discrimination! /hj

12 Raph: Practically working against your own kind! /j

Rise!Raph: *snorts* I don’t think that’s a bodily function we can control you guys!

Bayverse!Raph: It was a conscious decision on my end.

Rise!Raph: *chokes with laughter*

87 Raph: You goddamn bastard! /j

Bayverse!Raph: Cope and seeth my dude.

07 Raph: Now look, 87 I know it’s very difficult, especially for you, but we gotta be the bigger person here.

87 Raph: I will kick your goddamn ass, kid!

03 Raph: Well, good for you in being the bigger person. I will continue to be small and petty my entire life!

*Collective snorting laughter from all Raphs*

87 Raph: No, no, wait! You are not allowed to be funnier than me!

03 Raph: Tough break, shorty, I have to have SOMETHING other than punching shit.

87 Raph: Take up knitting! I don’t care! Just keep away from my bit! That’s like my entire personality! /hj

03 Raph: See you joke about that but I am fucking GREAT at knitting!

Bayverse!Raph: Amen to that! I ain’t spend half my damn life in the Hashi and NOT be able to knit a fucking epic scarf!

---

07 Donnie: Are you saying I worked a 9 to 5 job FOR NOTHING!

BatmanVs!Donnie: I honestly did not think that embezzling funds from rich corporate assholes plus the Shredder and his Foot Clan was an actual option we had!

12 Donnie: I am actually so mad that I did not think of that!

Rise!Donnie: Honestly, I didn’t think of it until like a few years back because our dad is still, somehow, getting royalties from his Lou Jitsu movie days. But I also have expensive taste in equipment and needed a little pocket change.

03 Donnie: I could have actually bought a Play Station when it came out instead of having to fix up the broken one Mikey found in the dump!

87 Donnie: I’m just now realizing how much stuff we had to make from scratch just because we couldn’t afford it.

Rise!Donnie: That’s true. But like also you guys still made a bunch of cool stuff with JUST junk you found! That’s amazing!

Bayverse!Donnie: Thanks but we could have made even cooler stuff if we had your type of funding. I mean, look at this shit! *excitingly pointing at Rise!Donnie’s battle shell*

Rise!Donnie: Please understand that YOU have made holo-screen, intercom, wrist watches, that connect to your motherboard home computer. All of which you MADE WITH JUNK! How is that not amazing?!

07 Donnie: Amazing for you probably. But if I were to do that shit myself I wouldn’t sleep for a week!

BatmanVs!Donnie: I second that! One sugar daddy please!

Rise!Donnie: *wheeze of laughter*

---

03 Mikey: I still can't believe you met freaking BATMAN! Like holy shit dude!

12 Mikey: *sobbing* I’m so jealous! I’m forever jealous!

BatmanVs!Mikey: Yeah, it was pretty cool. But YOU (03 Mikey) met the entire Justice Force! And became a member! Your legacy was so awesome Silver Sentry’s grandson took up your name!

03 Mikey: Yeah but you road in the BATMOBILE and got to press all the buttons!

Bayverse!Mikey: *sulking on the floor* LIFE ISN’T FAIR AND I HATE IT HERE!

Rise!Mikey: *pouting* I never get to meet my heroes! And when I do they turn out to be insane!

12 Mikey: Bro same! Chris Brandford was just a giant jerk!

87 Mikey: Bugman was pretty cool, though maybe a little weird. Still, he was no Justice Force or Batman!

07 Mikey: *whining* I just want the life you have! Why does god ALWAYS have favorites?!

Ronin!Mikey: *dramatic sigh of jealousy* He truly does.

[aratafinwe]

Mirage tmnt music band post! (The picture is from Jim Lawson nothing related to me i just found it great) Mike: well, ok drums. But hey, this is the only quiet of the 'Mikeys'. He is also my favorite Mike (the only Mike, the rest are Mikeys?) He goes so well with drums, because he loves the sound of wood. He say it himself once. He would do all kind of percussions, even with his nunchucks or whatever is made of wood. He is so chill and cute, but not noisy, just chill. He could do some beautiful percussion improvising. Raph: mirage Raph has serious problems, even for a Raph. Also, he is picky with music (doesnt like emo music? Whatever the werewolves were into) but being fair, im pretty sure he could sing. And he would be my second guitar and lead singer. Yes, because he likes things his way. Also he is some kind of alcoholic egocentric (and was a damn show off when actual teen). But his voice would be awesome. Dont get me wrong, I love Raph (i relate to mirage Raph a lot because of his selfish behavior) Donnie: mmmm i think mirage Donnie is still a mystery for me. I thing he would play the bass, just because everyone else picked the instrument before him and he likes whatever he could experiment with. He would writte the lyrics, since he is very philosophical whatever that means. Leo: lets be real, mirage Leo wouldnt even be in the band (😭) and I have reasons for that: it has being an actual mirage joke that he is left behind by his brothers and he doesnt even realises (like when everyone goes repair an old car that they had found and Leo is in the kitchen, someone actually ask 'should we wait for Leo?' and the answer is 'nah he probably doesnt likes cars' and when he comes back everyone is gone and he is like 'wtf? Oh well i will see tv oh great there's my favorite show about repairing cars awesome') aaaaaah yep that happens to him because he is an introverted weirdo and everyone thinks he is boring and only likes studying. Also, probably he knows how to play electric guitar and like it a lot. David Bowie style shit. Btw, he likes cars. And fiction books. He dislikes his fixed future or complicated mystics because he hates being involved in something none asked him before. He is lovely and conflictive but not aggressive (unless you punch him in the jaw. That makes him berserk) So yeah who is in lead guitar? Well, Shadow of course. Also because she looks after Raph and they will have epic guitar duels. And fight over kinds of music. She probably is a gifted child of the guitar and plays things Raph doesnt like and that makes Raph goes insane.