#mochaout

[mochaout]

Teacher

Thank you for the lessons you have brought

Thank you for teaching me how to identify and know what I need (by modeling unhealthy attachments)

Thank you for teaching me rebirth (by pushing me to the core of me)

Thank you for teaching me patience and wasting time is not the same (by being an investment with little to no return)

Thank you for teaching me how people show value where they find value (by highlighting my value to you is only derived from how you benefit from me, it’s not inherent)

Thank you for teaching me boundaries (by walking all over me when it benefited you)

Thank you for teaching me confidence (by taking every opportunity you can find to work to tear me down mentally and emotionally)

Thank you for teaching how to be vulnerable (by belittling my emotions or communications)

Thank you for being my toughest teacher yet

I loved you (I love me more now)

No longer your student

—MochaOut

[mochaout]

IN THE END

when the applause and praise die down

there are no more front row seats

to a production of us

shrouded in untruths; masquerading as love

we don’t acknowledge the elephants in the room

as we stand amongst burnt offerings of bloody tea leaves with the faintest hint of warm vanilla

soured

we are almost memory and false fairytale

finally comprehending the cost of growth and evolution

the cost of wisdom, of letting go

demanding we face the revelation

a beginning has now met its end

and there are no more familiar aromas

or sounds of home

between

distant stares

absent

—MochaOut

[mochaout]

Today is the only day I’ll offer you an apology for not knowing this beforehand…not knowing how to use the words to communicate my silent desires…for the reassurance I sought when choosing to offer myself to you…I’d be lying if I said I did so without my own expectation…you see this is the place of my error and why i am sharing this with you now…you were unaware of what I was truly seeking behind hungry kisses and bewitched eyes…searching for an intimacy I had yet to give to myself, and it was this pull and draw to feel connected…the depths of how intensely I could embrace another’s aura…I was lost…lost in your pants and moans, while you thrust into my folds…like dismantling a paper airplane, I became unhinged in falseness…in the blind search for what I failed to find in me… you collapse spent and there is no repentance for what I chose, and every year I chose to hurt myself…under the guise of loving myself…accepting the lie in “belief”…behaving like the intimacy I need exists outside of me

—MochaOut

[mochaout]

yet to be...

I can taste the newness on your lips

the unexplained pathways and galaxies residing within your heart

you exist in habitable space, burning brighter than a sun

a rare star yet to be named

you wrap me in your light and balance

an unexpected discovery

an unanticipated gift

time disappears when I enter your atmosphere

and we live in the now; in the present

you consume me with the intensity of your gaze

the softest smile and the strongest stare causing the earth to rumble

you hold me firmly grounding us in the peaceful stillness of your embrace

there’s tranquility in your presence, Love, as I rest in your arms

you grip me with the fullness of you; complex, layered, beautiful

with a smile that glows from your heart

it has been an honor to make your acquaintance

to be able to experience the intensity of our exchange

that grounds me in the moments of our shared time

—Mocha Out

[mochaout]

Empty

i give.

the essence of my strength

between longing eyes

waiting

to devour

my heart

words unspoken

of half truths

and full lies

touch my stillness

I give.

all of my dreams

and hopes of

yesterday's promise

to be more

inside my sacred spaces

of contemplation

leaving my mind and

soul empty

I give.

—MochaOut

[mochaout]

illusions

in a desert of forgotten love

a mirage appears in the distance

safety

temperatures rise in protest

to forced happiness and utopia

molten

as time is no longer measured

by the sands of memory

fading

drawing closer to the fallacy of perception

the disappearance of reality

gone

smiles fade as mouths parch

from the dryness of touch

rough

knees give, in exhaustion of false praise

the shape of limbs vanish in the wind

lost

—MochaOut

[mochaout]

Robot

Raise your head slowly

count to five

and let your eyes meet his

remember to make your lips stretch in the corner

happiness

when his hand finally touches your neck

close your eyes

automatic response (fallacy)

be familiar and reliable

grow smaller in his presence

let the tears fall inside your mind

but never on your

face

give the comfort he remembers

care for him like old habit

until tears become metaphors

of the heartache you feel

Because you know

they can never fall

in truth

at least not now

legs weaken at his touch

in memory of what he

once felt like, now

stranger

tears can not fall

because you were programmed

to serve

automatic function enabled

—MochaOut

[mochaout]

Zombies

we are the dead and alive

existing

you and I

surviving off the life around us

devouring our denial

corpses of our former selves

walking

lifeless but we appear alive

dead long ago but

we continue to animate

what we used to resemble

our graves growing cold from our

Absence

hearts no longer beat

however we stand upright

our words become incoherent sounds

floating in the air around us

our eyes no longer see

as we are only driven by the need

to survive

to exist

our limbs hang limp and rigid in contradiction to our unnatural state

Dead

But we have convinced ourselves we are still breathing

Neither of us wanting to let go

—MochaOut

[mochaout]

It has been a long time since I have been consistently active and posting. Time had to be taken to get still, love on myself, heal, and move back into the flow of me. I am now present and ready to try new things. I have been getting more comfortable with the sound of my voice and sharing it. I will be posting some of the exercises of expression. Some of the recordings were done once, haven’t been edited, and were not written until after it was recorded. Thank you for all who continue to check this blog from time to time. You are much appreciated!

[mochaout]

exit stage

What was left was her quiet shell. Her voiceless vessel. The mechanics of movement intact. She could still smile, she could still love, her body could still respond; involuntarily…the absence of applause

only the actress no one could see remained.

—MochaOut

[mochaout]

Ode to Us

As much as I would love to be there for you, to help you carry this, to walk right beside you, to be a help;

the reality is that has not been my place for a very long time. I have operated outside of my true essence in trying to maintain an idea of what we are, or what we were, or what we could be, ignoring the truth of what is;

and by that acknowledgment all we have is these ideas of nostalgia, of moments that we captured when we were children;

learning to navigate, learning how to move through life, figuring out ways in which to love, pulling from places which we were not shown; but yet we combined our efforts

and we committed without even understanding the weight of the bonds that we agreed to, without understanding what was really being exchanged, we were taught and we followed

and this is the result of someone else’s influence navigating your path without you being present and it is the greatest travesty but the most beautiful awakening

because in this space we can no longer lie, we can no longer say that we don’t know what happened, we can longer be in denial of the truth that has sat at the gate; at the door from the very beginning

we refused to see it because we held on so tightly, both of us suffocating the other; afraid; one of abandonment, one of absence

and we had this dynamic, where there was this chemistry and this connection but we never evaluated our compatibility. we were able to get along because I navigated most of it, we were able to reach common ground because I facilitated most of it

it was as if I was the scribe of our relationship and you were just waiting to be written, waiting for me to pick up the pen so that you could move, and that you can animate, and all the while I got so distant, so far away from myself, I did not know me and thereby I could not really be there for you

but I was pouring into this depth of need that wasn’t my own and I suffered for it, but it was the suffering that I chose because despite what I may have felt like I have given, I knew, and I went against my own knowing to try to make up for what?

because no matter how much I tried, we always come to this outcome, this was always our story, this was always how we got here and the only thing is to be able to let go, we have to, there is no more us

there is no more sunny days and starry skies and hand holding and playlists playing all night while we talk for hours; these are echoes of what was and it has not been for so long, and things that are not alive should be buried, to be recycled back, to grow anew; and we never buried what we knew no longer served us

and we propelled forward and we continued to push and to hold, and to push and to hold neither one of us allowing enough space for true growth. and we look at the damage caused by a lack of awareness, that we both at one time or another possessed, and that we both have to work through in one way or the other

it is with my sincerest gratitude that I thank you for all that we have endured, I thank you for all that has fallen apart that has allowed me to grow, in ways I did not even comprehend I could, and I’m better for it, I truly know what I need and want

and I know how to create it, and I know how to be present, and I know how to be aware, and I know how to breathe in a moment, and to be still, and to reflect, and all this growth has cost everything and nothing, because it was necessary

and so this is our final song, this is our final dance, there are no more guests to applaud the fallacy we continued to put forth. this is the absence thereof, this is the silence when love has started to walk away, this is what happens when we don’t find our truth, when we don’t live in our truth, we create disaster and our own suffering with smiles and eyes that say, i love you

but they are lies because what we really did was held on to an idea of love because someone somewhere taught us about ideas and they didn’t teach us what is, and we got lost on a path and we never found the road back because we were never meant to ride in the car together for a long period of time

we created in the moments of the most beautiful essence we possessed and we created life, and the beings are beautiful…

now it’s time to put things to rest that have run their course, it’s time for the funeral baby. and in the background is the final sound of a song that has fallen silent and that has forgotten how to sing

—Mocha Out

[mochaout]

Inside Scars

I bet if you could see underneath

you would be surprised why the outside

appears as a reminder of the passage of time

skin bubbled in a straight line, taut and discolored

with lines from where I tried to stitch it whole again

where I used words to coax myself with comfort

healing came when the bleeding stopped

But constantly I feel the separation

And I forget the railroad tracks

As I bathe in a sea of crimson

Seeping through my skin

Staining my world again

inside healed partial

leaving behind

a permanent

Scar

—MochaOut

[mochaout]

And those first breaths taken

after you ripped away the threads

that held my heart in place

were like death spiraling downward

But all I feel is the air leaving my lungs

and my heart beating erratically

because you erased me

In a moment of weakness

—MochaOut

[mochaout]

softest silence

i remember what it was like to see our reflection in the mirror for the first time

and how i pulled you close as the light casted its dull glow on our skin

eyes hidden under shadows

but smiles revealing what we don’t say

and in the quiet we admire

how once strangers can connect

and unlock the vulnerability of a

soundless stare communicating

the gentleness of

love

—MochaOut

[mochaout]

An Excerpt…

He held me gently as his tongue slid across mine; soft, sweet, finding rhythmic harmony. I was overwhelmed by my emotions and my body yearned for more. He began to kiss me on the small of my neck, my spot, making his way to my breast. He slid my shirt over my head, eyes filled with wonder making me curious and anxious at the same time. I needed that moment and nothing else mattered. My heart and body wanted every part of him. “You are beautiful” he said as his mouth found my nipples and wrapped them in warmth. I was not prepared for the hot liquid, which seemed to boil from within me. His lips and tongue were so soft, his mouth seeming to devour my very essence in that one act. I could not control the way my body responded greedily and excited to his touch. I opened my closed eyes to make sure that it was real. I needed to be positive that it was him; holding onto me, kissing me, enjoying me. It was the most amazing intimacy I had felt. My body began to melt as he gripped onto me while kissing down my stomach. My vision blurred as he pulled my underwear down. I had not realized that these other parts of my body were so sensitive. The brush of his fingers over my hips and thighs caused me to arch involuntarily. Then with an unexpected force, heaven revealed itself to me as he continued to make me feel unexplored pleasures with his tongue. I saw us together married, I saw our love, I saw my heart, I saw bliss and joy and then I saw nothing at all. My vision left me and an explosion of red was before me. I cried. I had never felt something so intense that my nerves in my fingertips were on edge. He had me.

[mochaout]

the return

there is a stillness that exists

at the edge of transparency

a heart finds its way home

in the silence of acknowledgment

warm

—MochaOut