#moral of the story (for me) don't lie to your therapist (or another person's) or hide things from them

[trashycosmos]

can we talk about the funniest thing of the whole experience was someome who sb me for almost 10 months straight saying they were upset i wasn't nice/distant/cold and didn't apologize for it and when i called out their behavior there was no apology from them they just didn't want to talk anymore lol

[lie---ability]

for too many times in my life had i been wrong about people. so much that anyone who tries to have anything with me makes me anxious. i even get anxious about my upcoming job at Virus & Partners because new people = chances of any of them hurting me. i have been wrong about people so much that i think it's because i idealize them so much. i mean an example could be us hanging out everyday, do a lot of things together, stay out late together, ditch others for each other, chat each other right after being together the entire day, say i love you and get home safe — and i'd think we're best friends!!! only for her to say we never were. and that she never wanted to be close with someone like me. so it must be me, right? maybe i just fell in love with the thought that she's a great best friend. at the same time i think, no. she was a best friend, she did exist. that version of her existed. or at least did when it was convenient or beneficial to her, but when the time came where it wasn't, she threw me under the bus, become totally different from who i loved. who i proudly said was my best friend. all those months that built up my comfort, trust, attachment — ended up being told as a lie. and if it came from the person herself that they were lies, who am i to say she's just saying that for whatever reason? she said it herself. we weren't best friends even if she said it before. so what was the truth? was i just really stupid and idealistic? or are people just so awful now? it's like i'm this fish in a pond who's so easy to catch with just the right amount of treat. like i'd swim away when you approach but try a bit more and i'd fall for it. attachment issues suck, more so my abandonment issues.

but this post isn't about jodie. this is about my first boyfriend, rikko.

first because rj doesn't count, the fuck? that shit was a joke lol i just got a dose of reality at an early age. no love there at all. who even falls in love at 13? that shit illegal. so yes, rikko is my first boyfriend ♥️ and even though i've dated guys before, he's the only one i ever loved so far. i love him so much. in fact, before i was already starting to think that maybe i'm not capable of love? i mean, i'm aware i'm a mean person. but i didn't think of myself as someone incapable of falling in love. but among the guys i met and dated, ALL OF THEM WERE JUST TO FEED MY EGO. ego ego ego. tell me i'm pretty. keep asking me to go out and let me reject you over and over again. show me how much you wanna take me out on a date again. over and over and all of them were unintended! when i do talk to someone, a part of me tries! maybe this could work? but it kept ending the same way. ego food. which led me to think fuckkk i'm incapable of loving too? what am i here for then tfuck? — until i met rikko! and everything he did and said, i wanted more of it. the more he laughed, the more he cried, i wanted to keep seeing them, even if he laughs/cries for the same reasons over and over. i wanted the things he wanted. i wanted to like the shit he liked, and i did! i hated touch but i love being held by him. he was expressive too! like the other boys! but for some reason, it wasn't ego food. they became credit scores for me. each time he gets a point, it adds up to my reasons why this is it! why this is worth a try! and i struggled and fought hard. the commitment and daddy issues, the anxiety, the fear of abandonment, blah blah and he did and said the right things at the right time he went at the right places, gave the right gifts, promised the right things — all for him to turn out to be just like everybody else. he died months into my life. he couldn't keep up with the character he played, and idk why people keep playing a character on me. jodie played the supportive bff but really wanted to be some sort of main character which i think is rather difficult hence the hurtful betrayal. and then there's rikko, who played the boy i could ever want, but never was that person. he never was that person to his parents and friends, and i thought he would suddenly change for me? that's some boss level pick me girl shit. i love rikko, even now as i type this. i met him january 2020, it's july 29, 2021 today, and i love him so much. but i'm not sure if i should be with him anymore. on principle, morals, self-care, common sense, logic, religion. why? because he died. he died last january 2021. he's no longer the same rikko i fell for. his hands aren't the ones i fought myself to hold. he's not the same person who went all the way from paranaque to cainta for me at 8pm because my dad told me he almost had another baby with someone ON MY BIRTHDAY. he's not the same person i looked at up at Sm Aura thinking he could be the one. and that i belong here, with him. that i love being with him, and he could be other things, but i want to be with him. he didn't know it, but looking at him as he talked about his friends, those things ran in my head. it was the same rikko who got teary eyed when he misunderstood me there at the Sm Aura rooftop, thinking i meant that i was just playing him. the rikko who gave me a necklace for no reason, wore it on me and even had it in a totally unsuspecting case (tea bag) which made the surprise funnier and cuter, is... yep... no longer here. the rikko who kept reminding me i'm redeemable, that i'm not my anxieties, i'm not my bad brain, i'm not my small voice, that rikko is long gone. and still i stayed waiting, making excuses, reasoning out with myself, trusting that he'd come back and funny enough, 7 months in and... he's still gone.

the saddest part is he doesn't want to be like that. or so i think. he tries. i see him trying. i see the efforts. he tries to ask me about my day, about my worries, why i'm anxious, why i'm sad or irritated. he asks me about work, applications and when i'm out with friends or family. he tries to make time for me even now that he prefers valorant over ml with me, i know he tries to play ml with me. he tries to take some time off work to talk to me. he tries to post on social media now, shares my ig stories, joins my tiktoks and get along with my jokes. he tries. i know he does. but that's the thing. he has to try. and maybe those things, he just isn't. and the difference between trying and develop is with development, there is direction. there is progress. with rikko... it's unstable. sometimes he can do this, but the next times not so sure. and as someone anxious with rejection and abandonment issues, inconsistencies are okay, but a lot of them? and major ones? NOTHING GOOD WILL COME OF IT. so many things rikko doesn't know and still he has it in him to say or assume a lot of things about me. one of them is when he said i'm ALWAYS annoyed at him. does he know how many times i get annoyed at things he do? but i don't address all of them not because i don't want to but because i acknowledge that they're not worth the fight or i'm just being hotheaded or immature or maybe inconsiderate. i think first before i act on him because if i learned anything about rikko, emotions have to make sense! which is wrong in the first place but that's who i'm with! but at the times i can't help being tampo, annoyed, or upset, he finds it in him to tell me i'm a l w a y s annoyed? WHEN?!?! i even asked him when and i know he realized it but still he fell stubborn to his pride. does he also know that his gifts don't make me kilig anymore? they just relieve me at this point which is sad!!! fucking sad!!! why? for example, for my virtual college graduation i was getting anxious few days before because i'm worried he won't give me anything or do something for me which will surely trigger my ~neglected issues~ and if i do get triggered, instead of addressing and being there for me, instead of making it up to me, he'd get mad! he'd make me feel that i'm asking for so much, for the impossible, all while i see it happen to people. i see other dudes give their girlfriends things without occasion. i see them try to like the things their girlfriends like, even embarrassing ones that she posts on social media. i see men constantly expressing their love for their gfs, for the person they asked to commit to them. all while i have one who would call me demanding, needy and exhausting. imagine? lol i get anxious he won't fulfill me not because i'd get sad but because he'll get mad when i get upset. he'd make me feel awful and remind me of the reason why we should end. and i hate that. i'm fighting so hard to take it off my mind, i hate thinking that we're incompatible, unhappy and that we're just trying to revive this love we have for each other. that love really isn't enough, even for us. so when he got me this bouquet for graduation, i was 95% relieved and 5% kilig because awwwww but more importantly, I WON'T BE TAMPO WHICH MEANS I WON'T HAVE TO HIDE AND HE WON'T HAVE TO GET ANNOYED AT ME BEING UPSET! as i type this all the more i feel bad because it's so clear i shouldn't be with him anymore. it hurts each time it crosses my mind. i really see rikko as the love of my life. and idk why. because he shouldn't be. the love of your life should be someone who makes you laugh, makes you strong but can also let you cry. the love of your life is the one who holds you on your way out of dark times. the love of your life is the one who corrects you in ways that won't make you feel bad, but in ways that make you feel cared for. that he's telling you so out of concern, not because he thinks you're a difficult sick mental person who needs an on-call therapist and an attending nurse. the love of your life should be the person who makes you cry the least.

but he doesn't deserve it also. maybe he's not ready to be in a relationship just yet. and there was no harm in trying. in fact i'm happy he tried because if he hadn't added me on facebook and hit up on instagram, i would have never known what love was like. i would also have never known how fun and exciting it is to be in love. it's so nice actually! to lie down with someone and just know they'll be there when you wake up and even if you do wake up in the middle of the night, you're safe with them. and no matter what you look like in the morning or how loud you snore or how stretched you are in bed, you are loved by this person next to you. and they chose to sleep with you too. to be as vulnerable as you are. and i loved that with rikko. we sleep together, we wake up in between sleep just to look for each other's cheeks, we shower together, we do weird shower dances, we have secret baby things, and a lot more things that you would think from here on meant forever. because these things, how could you ever try them again with someone else? because from where i am right now I HATE THE THOUGHT OF THOSE WITH ANYONE WHO'S NOT RIKKO. but stay with him for what? for what at this point? i'm not God. i'm just an anxious person with daddy issues who has enough money hunger and dreams plus a mom, aunts and 1 friend who loves rikko so much. i can't change him. and i shouldn't.

[cassiedangerclouds]

King Of The Clouds {Platonic Krii7y}

Trigger Warning: This one shot deals with death and the side effects that go with it.

It deals with guilt and bad coping mechanisms.

If any of any of these things trigger you, please do not read this.

~

"Every morning I feel like I've died, but I lie watching my ceiling fan, spin reality. But I know I'm alive and I shouldn't be. I should've died that night. Not him. It should've been me. If it weren't for me, he wouldn't even know this stuff existed. Or how addictive it can be. I've become a better person since that day, I no longer smoke that crap. I vape now. I know he always hated the smoke. But it doesn't help. Just reminds me that my best friend is dead because of my bad decisions. I guess it's just a bad hobbit that I couldn't kick." John said, his discord chat open.

On the other side of the line, one of John's friends sat listening. They all took turns. Listening to John. A new day but the same story, over and over.

"John, you need to go and get help. Contact a therapist, we can only do so much." Craig said.

"Yeah dude. We understand that you're hurting, but it has been a year. Half of our friends won't even come and game if they see you're on. Maybe it's time to let it go. Go out, or even stay in. But do something productive. Meet some new people, game or something. What you're doing isn't healthy." Tyler stated.

"Alright guys. I guess I'll chat later." John said, sitting up.

"Get out of your house." Tyler said before his line went dead and his icon disappeared.

"Yeah. If you don't, I'll tell Smit everything. You know Luke isn't as dumb as you think. He's starting to piece everything together. He always asks why you won't talk to him." Craig explained, "But seriously, take it easy and get out of that house." The line cut, and Craig's icon disappeared, leaving John alone in the sever.

John let out a sigh, clicking the cross and closing Discord down.

"Go out John. It'll do you some good John. It's been a year John." John muttered, standing up. 'But you know they're right. You need to get out and keep living.' John rolled his eyes, "Shut up, stupid voice of moral."

He walked out of his room, 'They don't understand.' He walked into the kitchen, getting a glass, filling it with water, 'None of them ever made bad decisions that affected another this way.' He left the kitchen, standing between the doorway and the lounge room, his eyes dancing around the room, looking for his vape canister.

"Looking for something?"  familiar voice threw John off, he turned around to face the direction of the voice.

Sitting on the other side of the kitchen counter, John noticed his vape canister in his friend's hand.

"Fuck off arsehole, give it back." John demanded.

Lukas shook his head, "No John. I knew something was up a while ago." He said, "John this isn't healthy, I was invited to the funeral. I know that he's dead-"

"They both are." John interrupted, looking down.

"It's not your fault dude. YOU didn't tell them to go to that party. YOU didn't tell them to get drunk, to get high off their head. YOU didn't tell Cameron to get behind the wheel of that car. It's not your fault. Stop blaming yourself for something that was out of your control." Lukas sated.

"But Cam was always more responsible than Mason and I. If I hadn't shown him that shit, he wouldn't have been tempted to take it at the party." John explained.

Lukas got up, walking over to his friend, "Yes they would've. Both of them. Because drunk people do stupid shit. So what if you showed them what the fuck that shit was. It was still their choice to take it. They didn't have to, but they did. Stop blaming yourself. Toby or Ezra could've stopped them. But they didn't either." Lukas said.

John sighed, "Just give me the canister Smit." He said.

"No, this is no better than a real cigarette. They're just as addictive."  Lukas stated, keeping a tight hold on the small device.

John stopped trying to get the canister, then something came to mind, "How the fuck did you get into my house?" he asked, looking at the younger male.

Lukas laughed, "Did you seriously forget that we gave each other keys to our respective houses? Ya know, in case of surprise visits or problems with planned ones?" he asked.

John shrugged, "I guess I did. I mean..." he trailed off.

"John seriously? We got them done so long ago and you just forgot? I am offended." Lukas said, putting his hand over his heart.

John laughed, a genuine one, not forced, "You're so dramatic." He said.

"It is my speciality." Lukas stated.

John quickly snatched his canister out of Lukas' hand while the other male wasn't paying attention.

"Hey. I said no." Lukas said, crossing his arms.

John rolled his eyes, "You're not my mum." He stated.

"No. But I could be your-"

"Everyone knows you'd bottom in any relationship Ren." John said.

Lukas turned red, "Shut up." He muttered.

John chuckled, shaking his head, placing the canister to his mouth and sucking in the vapor.

He blew out the cloud above both of their heads.

"That gross." Lukas said, waving his hand in front of his face.

"Life's gross." John replied.

Lukas rolled his eyes, "You wanna go play some game?" he suggested, pointing towards my office.

John smirked, "What type of games?" he asked.

"Ew, John, no. You know what I mean." Lukas stated, his face bright red.

John snickered, "I know, I'm just playing with ya. Let's go play some games." He said, smiling for the first time in a year.