#more in a grey shelter universe tbh

[dropthedemiurge]

It's funny how it already happened several times to me -

I love complicated and thoughtful shows. I love subtext and deep meaning and hidden details. I really struggle with silly comedy in BLs unless they do it thoughtfully and balance it well with meaning (bless you, shows like Be my Favorite)

I have nothing against silly romcoms but maybe I don't need them right now. I can't even watch We Are Series because I suffered in first episode :(

And yet! And yet sometimes I watch a show that I know technically isn't great or even if cinematography is bad but that show fills me with a lot of warmth and joy. Somehow I absolutely enjoy stumbling upon those weird anomalies. Somehow I lower my expectations based on how they present themselves and I enjoy the heck out of them till the end.

That's what happened to me with Twins the Series and now Boys Be Brave lol

And then I come on Tumblr, and everyone is trashing them xD

I guess I should not be surprised but I think genuinely I just see the potential and I'm content with having the rest of it in my head if the story at least shows where they were going with them and what they wanted to say. Instead, I'm filled with absolutely rage in the finale when the show poses itself like being meaningful and groundbreaking and then completely ruins their own messages and characters (looking at you, Only Friends)

This post doesn't mean anything, I'm just really curious why I don't particularly enjoy averagely-made stories but every once in a while I get truly happy watching one.

(putting this out of my tags - i had a funky thought about the dissonance, jinwoo x kiseob are living in a romcom world, meanwhile inho x balgeum live in a grey shelter world. No wonder we got the similar ending for them, right? Does anyone know what I mean?)

[transslyblue]

Also "1-99"

(1) Do You Sleep With Your Closet Doors Open Or Closed?

Haha, closed. I don't like seeing the dark void that I call a closet

(2) Do You Have Freckles?

Yea, but you can't really see them unless you're close

(3) Can You Whistle?

Yes

(4) Last Song You Listened To.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame musical, the Tavern Song

(5) What Is Your Favourite Colour?

Blue, but I also like a variety of purples and greens

(6) Relationship Status.

Single and not looking

(7) What Is The Temperature Right Now?

69º F

(8) Did You Wake Up Cranky?

Yea, unless I wake up myself

(9) How Many Followers?

118, but I need to go through and block any bots. (;w;)

(10) Zodiac Sign.

Leo

(11) What Is Your Eye Colour?

Blue/green hazel. My eyes are multi-coloured so they have blue, green, and brown with a very grey look to them.

(12) Take A Vitamin Daily?

I forget daily

(13) Do You Sing In The Shower?

Yup!

(14) What Books Are You Reading?

I really want to get back to reading some more Lovecraft, but i don't have much time to read

(15) Grab The Book Nearest To You, Turn To Page 64, Give Me Line 14.

"Minutes before librarians ate him."

(16) Favourite Anime?

Uuuuhhhhhh, hm. I guess it'd have to be InuYasha, but I like a lot of anime

(17) Last Person You Cried In Front Of?

Err,,, it was a very close friend. Idk if they'd want me to say who they are tho

(18) Do You Collect Anything?

Rocks and those snowglobe musicboxes

(19) What Did You Have For Lunch?

Yogurt and a protein bar. Ik, ik real healthy and filling

(20) Do You Dance In The Car?

Depends on the song, but not really

(21) Favourite Animal?

Owls and cats

(22) Do You Watch The Olympics?

Not really, but when I do it's the diving Olympics

(23) What Time Do You Usually Go To Bed?

2am

(24) Are You Wearing Makeup Right Now?

I don't wear makeup. Though I have considered it

(25) Do You Prefer To Swim In A Pool Or The Ocean?

Either. Pool is safer though

(26) Favourite Tumblr Blog?

Oof, idk if I can pick just one, so imma name a few. @ohhimarx @mirosuikaaa @masochist-incarnate they're all really friendly and nice

(27) Bottled Water Or Tap Water?

Whichever is most convenient at the time

(28) What Makes You Happy?

The sound of rain, art, my friends talking to me, I have a list that I've posted, so I won't list out here

(29) Post A Gif Of What You’re Currently Feeling Right Now.

(30) Do You Study Better With Or Without Music?

Haha, I don't study;;;

(31) Dogs Or Cats?

Cats

(32) If You Were A Crayon What Colour Would You Be?

Blue-tiful lol, for real though probably bubble blue

(33) PlayStation Or Xbox.

Does Switch/ds count?

(34) Would You Swim In The Lake Or Ocean?

Idunknow

(35) Do You Believe In Magic?

Not really, but I won't bash on anyone who does

(36) What Colour Shirt Are You Wearing?

Black, but is a Link being a meme

(37) Can You Curl Your Tongue?

Yes

(38) Do You Save Money Or Spend It?

I save more then I spend.

(39) Is There Anything Pink Within 10 Feet Of You?

Yea, it's a pink pillow of Lion from Steven Universe and a music stand from when I was in middle school

(40) Do You Have Any Obsessions Right Now?

Kirby in general

(41) Have You Ever Caught A Butterfly?

Nope, but I have touched one before

(42) Are You Easily Influenced By Other People?

Yes and no. It really depends on how long I've been around them

(43) Do You Have Strange Dreams?

Omg yes! I remember a few and they were all lucid dreams! (I looked up the term from last time I answered this question)

(44) Do You Like Going On Airplanes?

Never been on one

(45) Name One Movie That Made You Cry.

Of Mice and Men

(46) Peanuts Or Sunflower Seeds?

Both

(47) If I Handed You A Concert Ticket Right Now, Who Would You Want The Performer To Be?

Panic!At the Disco, Fallout Boy, or The Neighborhood

(48) Are You A Picky Eater?

Not really. There are some foods I refuse to eat, but otherwise I eat pretty much anything

(49) Are You A Heavy Sleeper?

Yes

(50) Do You Fear Thunder / Lightning?

Nope! I actually like thunder

(51) Do You Like To Read / Write?

I enjoy reading. As for writing, eh. I'll write out my ideas but I'mno good at fleshing them out to be interesting

(52) Do You Like Your Music Loud?

Yes. But not too loud, just enough where I don't hear everyone around me

(53) Would You Rather Carve Pumpkins Or Wrap Presents?

Carve pumpkins! I really am bad at wrapping presents

(54) Put Your Music On Shuffle, What Is The First Song That Came Up?

Hurts - Illuminated

(55) What Season Are You In Right Now? (Weather)

Spring and dying from pollen

(56) What Are You Craving Right Now?

Idk, something salty tbh

(57) Post A Screenshot Of Your Tumblr Feed.

(58) What Is Your Gender?

I'm a transgender male, so i use he/him pronouns.

(59) Coffee Or Tea?

Both, but I like tea more

(60) Do You Have Any Homework Right Now? If So, What Is It About?

I'm not in school anymore soooo no

(61) What Is Your Sexuality?

Idk. Questioning I guess

(62) Do You Make Your Bed In The Morning?

No

(63) Favourite Pokemon?

I already answered this one, so I'll say a new pokemon that I love. Rowlet!

(64) Favourite Social Media?

Bruh I am not a fan, but Tumblrs the one I'm on most.

(65) What’s Your Opinion On Instagram Stories?

Idk. I don't have an Instagram

(66) Do You Get Homesick?

Yes

(67) Are You A Virgin?

Yes, and I plan to stay that way for awhile

(68) What Shampoo And Conditioner Are You Using Right Now?

I use Suave, but I also use TeaTree when I get really bad dandruff

(69) If You Were Far From Home And Needed To Sleep For The Night, Would You Choose To Rent A Crappy Motel Room For $60 Or Sleep In Your Car For Free?

Depends on the place. But most likely I'd risk the motel.

(70) Are Both Of Your Blood Parents Still In Your Life?

My mom yes, my biological father... It's complicated

(71)  Whats The Next Movie You Want To See In Theaters?

I don't really watch movies, so none

(72) Do You Miss Your Ex?

I don't have an ex

(73) What Is Your Favourite Quote Right Now?

Be the person you needed when you were younger. I have no clue who said it, but I live by that

(74)  What Eye Colour Do You Find Sexiest?

Eyes in general are great. Idk how anyone can not find something they like in any eye colour

(75) Did You Like Swinging As A Child? Do You Still Get Excited When You See A Swing Set?

YesYesYesYes

(76) What Was The Last Thing You Ate?

Nachos

(77) What Games Do You Have On Your Phone?

Voez and Pokémon Go

(78) Would You Give A Homeless Person CPR If They Were Dying? Why Or Why Not?

Yes, because no oen deserves to die. I'd do my best to help any homeless person

(79) Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight?

Haha, not today. Yet

(80) Stalked Someone On A Social Network?

Not really

(81) Do You Like Meeting New People?

Yes!

(82) Do You Wear Rings? If You Do, Take A Picture Of Them.

I don't wear jewlery much. But I would like to get my ears pierced properly

(83) Do You Sleep With Your Bedroom Door Open Or Closed?

Closed! I don't want people or my cat to walk in

(84) What Are Three Things You Did Today?

I woke up, did laundry, answered these questions

(85) What Do You Wear To Bed?

Pajama pants and a t-shirt

(86) List All Of Your Different Beauty Products You Have Right Now.

I've got none. Unless you want me to name what body wash i use. :/

(87) Are You A Day Or Night Person?

Night person

(88) List All Of Your Video Games On Your Phone, Console Etc.

Phone: Voez, Pokémon Go

Switch: Legend of Zeld: Breath of the wild, Super Smash Bros Ultimate, Kirby Star Allies, Mario Kart 8, PuyoPuyo Tetris, Bayonetta 1&2, Hyrule Warriors, Just Dance 2017, Super Mario Party, Let's Go Eevee, Mario Odyssey, Undertale, Shovel Knight, Pokémon quest, Mom Hid my Game, Deemo, Sonic Mania, Detention, The Coma, Cave Story

3DS: Kirby Clash Deluxe, Kirby Triple Deluxe, Kirby's Extra Epic Yarn, Kirby Planet Robobot, Kirby Canvas Curse, Kirby Mass Attack, Kirbg Super Star Ultra, Kirby Squeak Squad, Pokémon Y, Pokémon Platinum, Pokémon Ultra Moon, Pokémon Alpha Sapphire Pokémon Heartgold, Legend of Zelda Link Between Worlds, Legend of Zelda Majoras Mask, Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time 3D, Legend of Zelda Phantom Hourglass, Legend of Zelda Spirit Tracks, Super Smash Bros, Luigi's Mansion Dark Moon, Wario Ware Gold, Super Princess Peach, Animal Crossing New Leaf, Castlevania Dawn of Sorrow, Cooking Mama, Cooking Mama 2, Sonic Colors

Gameboy Color: Pokemon Blue, Legend of Zelda Link's Awakening

This is over the course of many years

(89) Tell Me About A Dream That You Had And When It Happened.

I had this dream where I was flying a red paper plane. It took forever to carry it up this tapestry, but i did it. When I finally took off this group of white paper planes were chasing me so I shook them off and landed, taking shelter in this museum. This museum held other people hiding and was actually an abandoned grocery store. Then I woke up.

I don't rememebr when this was, but I wrote it down. I have a few more if you're interested.

(90) Favourite Soda Drink?

Strawberry Ramuné

(91) What Sounds Are Your Favourite?

Rainstorms,

(92) Do You Wear Jeans Or Sweats More?

Jeans, since I can't wear sweatpants to work

(93) How Do You Look Right Now?

Uhhh, probably a slob since I've been in pajamas all day

(94) Name Something That Relaxes You.

Stuffed animals

(95) What Tattoo Do You Want?

Idk. Haven't really wanted one. Maybe a connect the dots one.

(96) Favourite YouTuber?

Idk. I watch Pyrocynical and Markiplier, but other than that I listen to music, watch speedpaints, and speed plays of various videogames

[merielleswriting]

Happy WIP Day!! You say Luna is one of six deities - who are the others? Do they still exist? Do they have "mortal" forms like Luna? Does she keep in contact with them?

Thank you, it’s really exciting to write about this. Really it’s actually forcing me to figure out this stuff :D Seems I work well under pressure. Tbh, most of this I thought of on the spot.

Each deity was in charge of something I believe to be vital to human life. Right now there are six, I might add more later down the line:)

In truth, the deities were initially human. When they died, they were granted immortality by a divine force they never met. Their appearance is stuck to the age they died.

{Ordered from oldest to youngest.}

Jon: Deity of Intelligence

The oldest and wisest among the deities, Jon donned the appearance of a 9-year old boy. Incredibly sweet but was not afraid to put you in your place.

The surviving deities founded a university in his name. 

Jon University is one of the oldest and most respected schools in the western hemisphere with the highest caliber of academics and art and the best financial aid program in the world. 

Toshiro: Deity of Art

Holds great respect for Jon, and has feelings for Aisha whom he calls Ai, meaning love in Japanese. He happily taught the other deities forms of art at their request. 

Let me tell you, he’s a sight for sore eyes, even with his greying hairs. He is chased by all, but his heart is set on only one woman. 

Currently hides in Paris, France and teaches the elderly that it’s never too late to start any type of art.

Aisha: Deity of Life

Loves Toshiro back, but both decided it would be best to live seperately after being forced to take shelter on Earth. Communicate through air letters often.

She is living her best life, situated in the richest parts of Singapore. Donates anonymously to several charities and has created some herself.

Her current project involves spreading art and education in developing nations.

Griselda: Deity of Death

Lives in Mexico and owns a clinic that provides free healthcare of all types. She used to work in the medicinal research department at Jon University.

Has a hard time finding bars that will let her in because she looks so young.

Luna: Deity of the Soul

You can find more about Luna in this ask.

Valen: Deity of Strength

Youngest, looked to be in his early thirties. Probably the most happy-go-lucky man you’ll ever meet. Had a knack for teaching and was always excited to show the other deities all forms of martial arts. 

Was fascinated with hair colors and given the opportunity, he would have been a hair stylist.

Was best friends with Luna and Jon.

I’m saddened to say Jon and Valen perished in the Great Purge of Magic. (She says as if she doesn’t have any control of this whatsoever.)

[a-whatamidoinghere-blog]

Tbh I don't think I am really suicidal. I want to live in a tiny cottage from where I can ride my bike to the next train station. I want to feel sun warmed grass under my bare feet on the weekends. I want to live with a cat, giving her a home and all the love she didn't get in the shelter. I want to get better in university and become a real sociologist someday. I want to have time and energy to read and enjoy books again. I want to invite friends for tea instead of being exhausted by any human interaction. I want to be able to afford being alive. I want to take walks in the woods, I want to go running again. I want to be in nature more than one week a year. I want to feel alive again. And then when I grow old, I want to be content with who I am. I want to be someone who smiles lightly and who radiates calmness. Because yes, I want to grow old. I want my hair to get grey or white and get wrinkles that show how much I smile.

But at the moment I live with a roommate who can kick me out any day he wants to while I pay too much rent. He is loud and doesn't give a fuck about me having to learn. I live in the city and didn't take a walk in the woods for over two years. I am searching for a place to live since august but the city is so overflown with people that it's impossible to find something, especially if you are a student like me. The search is exhausting and I find myself crying after every failed attempt. There is a cat I'd love to adopt but I need a home first and I feel terrible for keeping her waiting. To be honest, I think living with her could help me heal. I had cats all my life and my depression got better everytime they were around. I feel terribly lonely at the moment. I can't form any emotional bonds and I don't trust anyone. I got raped three years ago and never had the chance to cope with it but I feel with every month it makes my mind rot from the inside out. It's a disgusting, crawling feeling that's tainting everything I touch. The irony is, that I was healing at the time it happened. Then everything got worse, much worse than before. Since I was 12 I am battling with a variety of mental health problems. Anxiety, depression, suicide attempts, ED, BDD and a whole lot of shit caused by my adhd and being diagnosed way too late. You know, I really want to live a wholesome life. I really want to live a life I can deal with. Going into the woods always calmed me, having a cat helped immensely with my depression and suicidal thoughts. Going for a run made me self harm less and helped with my ED. But I don't have any of those things and none of it is in reach for me. Nothing got better. It got worse even though I always fight and I always try to see the good. I don't need the cottage, a small apartment would be fine. I don't need the woods right at my door, I can go there on the weekends. I just want to feel like I have something that is worth living. Something I can hold on to and tell myself "At least I have a home/my cat/my small life I am okay with". I am close to being homeless and yea... I'd rather be dead. I have no energy to drag myself to get help. Most days I wish I could just dissappear and nobody worries about me. Or to be hit by a car or die of a heart attack.

I really don't want to kill myself. But I also really don't want to live this life anymore. Everytime I thought things would get better they got so much worse and I am scared of what comes next. Life never had something good to offer and I am giving up fighting for it. I am so very tired and burned out. I have nightmares every night and the dreams get more dreadful every night. My mind is screaming at me to end this terror but I just... Can't. I can't do it myself. I will be able to do it someday but maybe just maybe something good will happen before that.

[epiphenomenal]

hi guys. sorry for the long absence. i've had various r/l things going on, including a new job -- but tbh i’ve also found it hard to have fannish feelings about anything except the end of the band of my life, kent. the following is an incredibly tl;dr explanation. please don't feel obliged to read it; i think i wrote this mainly for myself.

i. origins

there are two stories, i guess. one begins in 2003 with teenage!jan discovering a curiously-labelled song on file-sharing software. someone had frontloaded the filename with familiar bands: REM, radiohead, the smashing pumpkins, etc. so i downloaded what turned out to be the english version of kent's 747, and realised i had to listen to more of their work.

i soon discovered they were a swedish band, and that their english experiment had been short-lived. but their swedish songs were fantastic (both before and after i looked up the lyrics), so i kept listening.

and they say the town's become silent and ugly and deserted, darling that it's going to be a long cold winter i've learnt that longing is worst when one's slept like a child through an ice-cold winter

you're my hero for you dare to be honest you're my hero for you're just as weak as me come and help me, i need you -- again, again, again (x)

i ordered all their albums online -- you know it's love when you stop pirating. for most music loves, it might have stopped there. except for the other story, which starts in the late 1980s (or officially in 1990).

i read about the band's origins, and there was something compelling about that, too. how they grew up in a small grey industrial ghost town, where music was an escape. how they had lofty dreams and moved to stockholm and tried and failed and kept trying for years, until they got their big break. how they went from strength to strength after that, winning awards and a devoted fanbase, and eventually being called "sweden's biggest rock band". (but also how, after two english-language albums and gruelling international tours, they had to give up on that front.)

i loved them with the intensity teenagers are capable of. i read all i could find in english, and then (back when machine translation was poor and google translate didn't even exist yet) read more with the help of a swedish-english dictionary and what grammar i managed to learn.

kent also had a close relationship with their fans. their frontman, joakim berg, frequently hung out on their official forum. ahead of each album release, the band took questions directly from fans and answered them (often hilariously) on their website -- which, incidentally, was a fansite that the band noticed and asked to become their official website.

in 2005, they released their first new album since i'd started listening to them: du & jag döden or 'you & i, death', a masterpiece from the irresistible opening track all the way till the magnificent album closer, which remains my favourite song ever. i pre-ordered the album online and played it on loop for days and have never recovered.

do you remember our blood-oath, our law? our stupid crusade against an equally foolish town i remember everything like nails against glass but you just laugh at me, reduce everything to a joke yet i see in your anxious posture, your hunted gaze that it feels that it's a long way home (x)

ii. journeys

in the autumn of 2007, kent released their next album, tillbaka till samtiden; i went to the UK for university, on a scholarship. that december, i went to sweden and saw kent live for the first time -- something i'd never imagined would be possible, back when i first discovered their music. it was magical. they were magical. that energy, those songs i'd loved for years, the crowd roaring along on all the classic lines -- singing but darling we’ll all die someday with thousands of other fans, not in sadness but in triumph. but also: jocke's incredibly dorky dancing, the band's camaraderie on stage, how they connected with the crowd. i fell a little in love with their guitarist, sami sirviö, and his dramatic guitar-playing -- something from which i have never recovered either.

the next spring, i travelled alone to sweden to see them again, three times.

kent wasn’t just the soundtrack to my ~formative years; they’re linked inextricably to the start of my uni-era travels, and to trips i’ve taken since. they were also a constant, of sorts: one could always expect another album within a couple of years. there was always something to look forward to.

and the thing about kent -- and being a kent fan over the years -- is that they have always moved forward. unlike some bands which retread the same sonic territory, kent saw each new album as a musical departure from the next (often to their fans’ dismay; but kent always said that they made music for themselves, and i admired that kind of integrity, too). their lyrics also evolved: from adolescent anxiety and desperation, to urban isolation and middle-aged middle-class angst (not least given their working-class origins), protesting against a society that seemed to be losing its old ideals of solidarity and kindness.

in late 2009, during my final undergraduate year, they released the album röd. in the easter vacation before my final exams, i went to sweden and norway for four concerts. i didn't know when i would get to see them again.

(just half a year after röd, they casually released another album, en plats i solen. other things they’ve done: released songs for charity, from a quietly devastating song about domestic violence for Save the Children, to one for the National Organisation for Women's and Girls' Shelters in Sweden; released a song for free online as a christmas present for fans, without the knowledge of their record label, and laughed with fans on the forum about that; taken shoe-selfies on a couch together.)

darling, that we want most of all is something that can never be ours november is a wall of wet concrete where a naive dream of escape is born to crash and then die but heroes and heroines stay standing they spit hard into the wind and they warm our hands so we don't lose our grip on the love we have a right to (x)

i returned from the UK and started work in 2011. in 2012, kent released jag är inte rädd för mörkret, which opens with one of their most beautiful songs. (instead of doing promotional interviews, they held a press conference and invited fans and forum regulars and bloggers, not just the media.) i flew alone to stockholm that summer, for a concert on a sprawling green lawn. the setlist was incredible and included one of my favourite songs, which i'd hoped for years to hear live. there were fireworks at the end. the forty-minute walk back towards town, amongst other fans, felt like it took no time at all.

2014 started out tough for me for various reasons, and kent's new album tigerdrottningen was very welcome, though i didn't manage to see them live that tour. they were more political than ever before. their first single was a blistering critique of sweden today; at a summer festival they held (yes, they held their own festival, and invited artistes they loved -- mostly women, incidentally, something the media noticed but the band themselves never pointed out), they exhorted the crowd to vote the right-wing SD party out of parliament. my favourite track off the album describes stockholm as a "guaranteed solidarity-free New Moderate desert" -- but also contains a verse that gains a lot of poignancy in retrospect:

i hear the bass from the car at the red lights, i know that song like a knife to the heart -- i wrote it 200 summers ago i stand as if frozen at the crossing, and regret (x)

iii. endings

on 13 march 2016, kent posted a video full of references to previous albums and songs.

after 26 years together, they were calling it a day.

their final album, då som nu för alltid, was a summary and a farewell. they said goodbye with a final tour: 28 gigs in four months across four countries.

i used half my annual leave to catch five concerts in october. each one was amazing. from the breathtaking introduction and epic visuals, to the setlist, to -- of course -- the band themselves. how much energy they poured into their music. the smiles they traded on stage, how they’d play while facing each other. how jocke presented his fellow band members to the audience, night after night, and told stories from their earliest days together; how, night after night, he told them he loved them.

the band members' love for each other, how they call themselves a family and have always felt it was them against the world -- that's one of my favourite things about them. and i have a lot of feelings about the stories jocke told: how he and sami went from disliking each other at first sight to sharing a rockstar dream; how he and bassist martin sköld spent hours talking about everything in life; how important their drummer, markus mustonen, was in making them feel like they were finally a real band.

the farewell tour was also filled with love between the band and the fans. how jocke bantered with fans near the front. how, in setlist staple jag ser dig ('i see you'), the fans got their moment on the big screen. how the fans have always taken jocke's cue during set-ender 747, turning stadiums into seas of waving arms, right after jocke sings to us, repeatedly, you keep us alive -- additional lyrics only present in live renditions of the song. how, after each concert, the band came down and gave out roses to fans in the front row.

in december, i flew out again for their last three concerts in stockholm. during the first two, for which i had standing tickets, there was just such a pure joy and euphoria at being there, in the moment, with fellow fans, amid their music. they performed a completely new song, because kent is the sort of band which does that sort of thing during their last three concerts ever.

at their final concert, on dec 17, i had a seated ticket for the only time this tour. i watched their farewell from a distance, but that also allowed me to grasp the scale of this: being there amongst 38,300 fans, saying goodbye together. during the ironic political ballad sverige we held up our phones, as we'd done throughout the tour, and the arena was full of stars.

the day after, the band released a final video, a beautiful summary of the farewell tour which included the voices of fans. it was a music video for the song which ends their last album, and which also closed every concert that tour: den sista sången or 'the last song'. just to make the message perfectly clear, the song (and by extension, every farewell concert) ends on these lines:

this is the last time, the last time we're meeting the last song, the last song i'm giving you (x)

iv. epilogue

on dec 26 and 27, a two-part documentary on the band's final years was released. it's a very well-made documentary, from cinematography to its on-point song choices, filled with interviews and amusing moments, giving a summary of the band's history and a look at the long farewell stretch. the documentary also contained some sad revelations about why the band had chosen to call it a day, and i spent january and february processing this, basically.

on feb 28, kent won their final two swedish grammy awards. they gave cute thank-you speeches and joked around in the backstage interviews. it provided a kinder sort of closure, compared to the documentary's bittersweet ending.

i still have far too many feelings about these guys and their journey. but it's now been a year since the farewell announcement, and though i'll never get over this band, i should really move forward too.

[electronique-brain]

Notes on “Circling the Sun”

Doing this because this thing haunted me for a while: 

Also here’s the story again for anyone who wants to read it after reading these notes (the story’s already in a weird chronology, so I don’t fault anyone who decides to read a fic notes then the fic first hahahaha) : Circling the Sun

1) It’s inspiration was a mixture of things—primarily, The Last Five Years, Before Sunrise (the entirety of Linklater’s Before Sunrise trilogy actually, watch it, it’s an incredible story about an incredible romance but done as if it were all ordinary—but don’t watch it if you’re planning on going through Europe, it will give you completely unrealistic expectations of Eurorail), and the entirety of the “Audition” sequence of La La Land. 

2) This is the music Yuuri had for his free-skate at World Championships. It’s “This Place Is A Shelter” by Olafur Arnalds, all of his other work is equally great and haunting. Yes it’s too short and yes it would be hard to get all the skating elements to match up to this. I’m handwaving it as Kat—the OC musician I created, who’s featured in that other story I haven’t finished—making an arrangement that expanded on it. 

3) Phichit is Yuuri’s Person, in the Grey’s Anatomy sense of the word. Only when I decided to up Phichit’s friendship to Yuuri to platonic soulmate level did the Viktuuri breakup begin to make more sense. Viktor could come to understand the extent of Yuuri’s anxiety if he’s afar, but Viktor being too scared to confront Yuuri about it over a computer screen wouldn’t be enough to drive a wedge between them. So I played on Viktor’s isolation and his not having anything remotely resembling a normal life. Intense friendships follow the same steps as a romantic relationship, so I wanted Viktor to kind of be watching Phichit and Yuuri’s intense friendship play out and his jealously just kicks in. And it kicks in at the wrong time. And it’s made worse by social media just presenting this idealized image of reality.

4) I just love tackling relationships where one person is massively successful and the other person is waiting for their moment. 

5) The Paris scene—late-night walking and running into Viktor—was originally how Viktor and Yuuri would meet in the third arc of Stay Close to Me, but it felt airless and any meet-up I imagined fell apart the second I gave them dialogue. So I created the wordless dance-off to solve that problem. But I loved the idea (because I loved the idea of two strangers falling in love while they’re exploring a city in the course of one night *this is the second plug for Before Sunrise btw, watch it*) and used it here.

6) It took me a while to settle on which pov would be going in reverse, but when I arrived to the conclusion that Viktor feared the future and the uncertainty of it more than anything I knew he would go backwards. He’s constantly flinching away from anything that’d change what he’s used to, so him uprooting his life to go to Hasetsu to fix things with Yuuri was a “He loves Yuuri enough” moment.

7) Yes, he becomes a writer after this. Or writer aspirant. Tbh, he’s that writer who writes maybe a page in a month and it’s all this devastatingly beautiful prose. His works also just don’t really have plot—they’re more just “slice of life” type stories. He basically just decides to live out the normal life he never had in characters he writes.

8) There was a bigger racism-plotline in the first drafts of this piece, but I wound up cutting it as Yuuri wouldn’t quite intellectualize his predicament in that way. But basically, in this universe—and I’m assuming in-canon—as Viktor and Christophe love taking great, sexy photos together, they’ve actually accumulated this pretty vocal fanbase. When Yuuri shows up out of nowhere, the Viktor/Christophe stans freak out and they form an unholy alliance with the Anti-Yuuri people who (1) don’t think he’s good enough for Viktor, (2) blame Yuuri for Viktor’s poor performance, and (3) start spewing these terrible racist things towards Yuuri. 

9) Viktor, who’s kind of shut down and gone into “I must win and everything will be fixed” mode and who—quite frankly—has adjusted to life in the spotlight and all the terrible things that come with it, isn’t that aware that Yuuri would take the trolls that badly. Phichit, Yurio, and Christophe are all super-aware that Yuuri has become persona non grata on social media. Phichit and Christophe (Christophe to varying degrees) are aware of how badly Yuuri wants to win.