#mostly because i had to do the thumbnail in under a minute and i panicked trying to think of a sewer room instead of like

[heckitall]

i am officially out of class for summer break!! this is one of my finals for the busiest, most workloaded class i have ever experienced hgoueghos

[gabriel-agreste-has-no-rights]

Rating: T

Summary:  Dirt tastes like dirt. Chat Noir also happens to taste like dirt. (Marichat fic)

Word Count: 2037

XXX

Dirt tasted like… well, dirt.

Marinette cackled at the sight of him with dirt spilling out of his mouth, but he wasn’t a coward.  He swallowed the handful of soil he’d dug up with his claws.  Hopefully Officer Raincomprix didn’t count that as destruction of city-owned property.  The park grass would grow back eventually.

“See?  Delicious.  Full of minerals.”  He grinned, flashing brown-stained teeth.  Ouch, he was pretty sure that was a pebble stuck between his molars.

“More like full of stupid.”  Marinette was still laughing.

“Come on, that wasn’t even a good joke!”  Adrien protested while digging a claw between his teeth.  Definitely a pebble.  “You had the world full of dirt puns open to you, and you went with stupid?”

She rolled over onto her stomach, propping her chin up with her elbows.

“Oh yeah?  Well what does a good dirt joke sound like?”  

“I don’t know.  My mind’s not dirty enough to go there.”

She blinked before her mouth fell open in a groan.

“Four out of ten.  That was just terrible.”

“Don’t you mean terra-ble?”  He licked his teeth before grinning again.  The dirt honestly had been awful—and was still clogging his dry throat—but it was worth it to make Marinette laugh like that.

“Save me.”  Her face flopped to the ground.  Black hair parted on each side of her neck, falling in front of her cheeks and hiding her smile from him.  

He brushed her bangs away so he could see her eyes, at least.  “If you asked nicely, I mud put you out of your misery.”

She glared from the spaces between his fingers.  “That only gets a two.  I can’t tell if you were going for ‘would’ or ‘might.’”

He shrugged and reclined back on his palms.  “I still don’t see you doing any better.”

“Maybe I’m just too down-to-earth to dirty my hands with your muddled sense of humor.”

His eyes widened.  “Three puns in one?  You’re the one playing dirty.”  He’d have to give it a hesitant eight-point-five out of ten.  The ‘muddled’ pun was a bit too forced for it to be an even nine.

“You’re just jealous, kitty.”  She rolled over and rested her palms over her stomach, smirking up at him.  “Admit it.  I’m the funny one out of the two of us.”

“Only if you admit I’m the hot one.”

She laughed.  “Okay, I guess that’s why you’re the funny one.”

He scowled.  “Hey, what’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means,” she reached up to boop his nose, “that you can’t be the hot one when your teeth are black and brown.”

Hm.  Okay, he could give her that.  Fortunately, it had an easy fix.

“Chat—Chat!  Put that down!”  She sat bolt upright when he unscrewed the top of her water bottle.

“What?  You’re done with your jog.  I’ll buy you a new one.”  He poured the water into his mouth, swishing it around his teeth.  That stubborn pebble still wouldn’t move, but at least his throat didn’t feel like… well, like he’d swallowed dirt.

She crossed her arms.  “That’s it.  I’m changing my jogging route.  And I’m not bringing pastries next time.”

She hadn’t brought pastries this time, either.  That was what led from one joke to another, until he ended up with a mouthful of dirt.

“Oh, the horror!  Will you consign me to a life of dirt-eating forever?”  He dramatically raised his arm to his forehead.  Through the one eye he left cracked, he watched her shake her head.

“Fine, drama queen.  I’ll bring pastries. But only because I never want to see you do that again.”  She snatched the water back as he laughed

“And here I thought eating dirt might make you dig me.”  He wiggled his eyebrows, even though he was mortified inside.  Had he given his crush away over a dirt pun?

But judging from Marinette’s deadpan stare, she didn’t notice.  Either that or she just wasn’t impressed. ...Probably that, actually.

“If you’re trying to make me dig you, I would hope you had a better plan than that.”

Well.  Plan was a generous word, but he had adjusted his patrol schedule to better line up with the end of her evening jogs.  At first he justified it as wanting to keep her safe at night.  But honestly, it was because he lived for these little moments, just being stupid together in the cool summer breeze.  With the park’s bushes and trees filtering out the glow of the city, it felt almost like another world.  A frozen bubble where he could do anything.  

Maybe even tell Marinette how he felt about her.

“Would you… want me to have a plan?”  He asked, nervousness suddenly shooting through him.  He loved the easy friendship they had when he was suited up.  

But he also just loved her.  

Her gaze remained fixed towards the bushes, where headlights of passing cars just barely peeked through the dense leaves.

“Not really,” she finally said, and his stomach dropped.  

He should’ve known not to get his hopes up.  He’d just eaten dirt in front of her.  Did he really think she’d say she liked him after that?

“I think I’d rather it be natural.  Just… something that happened.” 

Her eyes finally flickered back to his, and his heart sped like it was trying to catch up.  His throat felt dry again, but he wasn’t about to ruin the moment by stealing her water.

“But you’d want it to happen?”  He pressed carefully.

She pulled a blade of grass from the ground.  Split it down the center with her thumbnail.

“What if it already did?”

He blinked.  His heartbeat seemed to trip over itself.

“I’d think you were joking.  Except you usually smirk when you’re joking, and right now you’re looking at me like…”  He licked his lips when she glanced at them.  “Like I’m dirt, and you’re going to eat me.”

He felt how stupid the words were as he said them, but they just kept spilling out.  Where was the abort command for his mouth?  He needed an emergency off switch.  Or the snake miraculous.  But he didn’t have either of those, and she was still staring at him, and crap, he would’ve been better off shoving another handful of dirt into his face.

“How the heck did I fall for you?”  she asked under her breath.

“What?”  Was she serious?  He—he’d heard that right, hadn’t he? “You mean this whole time I’ve wanted to date you, and all I had to do was eat dirt?”

She met his eyes, and they simultaneously exploded into laughter.  It shook his shoulders, filled his lungs, skyrocketed his heart.  

How could this feel so easy?  Everything clicked into place, like their friendship had always been leading this way.  Maybe it had, and he’d just been too blind to see it.

“We’re so stupid,” she said when she caught her breath.  

He grinned and wiped a tear from his eye.  “Excuse you.  I’m the stupid one in this relationship.”

“Oh yeah?  Well then, which one am I?”  

She didn’t even bat an eye at him insinuating—no, outright stating—that they were in a relationship.  That was enough to spread a giddy smile across his face.  

He shifted closer, so he was kneeling close enough for their knees to brush.  

“You’re the smart one, and the funny one, and the one I love.”  

He said it without flinching.  Maybe he was coming on too strong, but if she still liked him after watching him eat dirt, one little confession probably wouldn’t change her mind.

A warm pink spread across her cheeks.  Her hands found his, tangling their fingers together.

“Well you’re the brave one, and the and the sweet one, and the—the one I love.”

Her words shot through him like lightning.  She thought he was sweet and brave.  She—she loved him!

He threw his arms around her, a purr rumbling in his chest.  She snuggled into the crook of his neck.

“Are you sure you want to cuddle?”  She asked, her voice muffled by his shoulder.  “I’m still sweaty.  I probably stink.”

He let out a short laugh.  He could smell the sweat clinging to her, but it was nothing compared to the softness of her filling his arms.  

“Then we can be stinky, dirty idiots together.”  

“Gross.”  She pulled back enough to stick out her tongue.  “I guess you can get away with that though.”

“Why?  Because I’m used to being a stinky, dirty idiot?”  He joked.

“No.”  She almost kept a straight face, but a smile tugged at the corner of her lips.  “Because you’re the hot one.”

His skin heated in all the places they touched, even through the suit.  If that’s what she meant by hot, then she was right.

“I thought we already established that you’re the hot one, Princess.”

She snorted at that.  “Okay, I’ll give us a tie.  Mostly because I’d rather kiss you than argue with you.”

“You—you’d want to kiss me?” he spluttered.

“Only if you want to!” she said quickly.  “I mean, like I said, I am sweaty and I did just tell you I love you, so if it’s too fast—”

“Marinette,” he cut her off, his thumb coming up to rest against her cheek.  “Of course I want to kiss you.”

She breathed out a sigh of relief.  “Finally.”

Then she grabbed his bell and pulled his face to hers. 

Oh.  If cuddling with her was amazing, then this—this was spectacular.  It took him a minute to remember what to do with his mouth, with his hands.  Hers were tangling in his hair, so he figured that was enough permission to comb his claws through her pigtails.

He tilted his head, and her tongue slipped between his teeth.  He might have teased her for moving so fast if he hadn’t been so busy returning the favor.

Somewhere along the way she slid into his lap, and any remaining brain cells went up in smoke.  A blissful few minutes passed before her head jerked away.

“What?”  He blinked away the pink haze that had overcome him.  “Do I still taste like dirt?”

“No—well, yes, but that’s not important.  I just felt something, and I, er, panicked and thought I knocked your tooth out.”  

“You kissed me hard, but not that hard.”  He laughed.  “Though, if you wanted to try it…”

Her lips twisted, and then she spat something out into her palm.  “What the heck?”

It was a pebble.  He wiped his tongue across the top of his molar, and found it pleasantly pebbleless.

“You got it out.”  He grinned.

“Oh my gosh.  This was from the dirt, wasn’t it.”

He shrugged.

“Chat!”

“You’re the one who wanted to kiss me!”  He laughed, holding up his arms to block the pebble she threw at him.

“You owe me another kiss.  A dirt-free one this time.”  She shoved her water bottle at him.

“Ah, how the turns have tabled.”  He accepted the water and swished again before swallowing.

“You’re just lucky I like you,” she huffed, but her eyes still shone with affection.  It warmed him from the inside out.

“Last I checked, you looooved me,” he couldn’t help teasing.  She knew what she’d gotten into by returning his feelings.

She only have a halfhearted attempt at shoving his arm away before relaxing into his embrace.  “I do.  You could say I have terra-ble taste.”

“Hey, I already used that one.  No points for originality, but I’ll give it a solid six on account of comedic timing.”

“Really?  A six?” She pouted.  “That was worth at least an eight.”

“I can be bribed to change my mind.”  He wiggled his eyebrows.

She trailed her fingers up and down his arm.  Not for the first time, he wished he could detransform.  He’d bet her touch would feel even softer on his bare arms.

“Are you asking for more pastries, or more kisses?”  She asked.

“Surprise me?”

She laughed once more against his lips.

XXX

By the time they parted, the remaining traces of dirt were finally gone. 

All he could taste was her.

[harry-sussex]

A Note... and A Big Thank You

Gather ‘round, my friends.  This is going to be a long post, so please bear with me as I write all of this out.  I’d appreciate it if you would read until the end, if you’re interested.

It’s been a few weeks now, and I’ve had time to settle my thoughts and almost come to terms with what’s happened with the British Royal Family over the past month or so.  It was difficult for me in a very, very real way.  I don’t know The Duke and Duchess of Sussex or their son, and they will never know me, but I care for them in a way I can’t really describe.  I can only hope that you all know what the feeling is like, as lovers of royalty yourselves.  It’s hard enough to explain to people in the real world.  I’m glad I won’t have to explain to you that the feelings - of affection, of pride, and of disappointment - are very real, very tangible... even with respect to complete strangers who live thousands of miles away, working for a country in which you do not live, with privilege and a lifestyle you could only imagine... the feelings are very real.  

On January 8th, I was at work.  Typing away, doing my thing, more or less minding my own business.  I saw the Instagram notification - SussexRoyal made a post - and when I saw the little thumbnail image next to the notification of their engagement photocall, I literally thought oh my God, Meghan is pregnant.  I clicked that notification faster than I’ve clicked anything in my life.

As you all know, that’s not even close to what they were saying.  Ultimate high to ultimate low in a second flat.  I remember my stomach dropping.  And I remember the panic.  Or at least my sheer, unadulterated panic because let me tell you - I was panicking.  In a very real, heart pounding, head spinning, caps lock, oh my God no this isn’t happening way.  My Harry was leaving and taking with him some of the best parts of who he is - a wife and child we’ve only just gotten to know, with whom we’d already fallen so in love, after waiting so long for them to appear in his life - and I. was. panicking.

Once we had a few moments as a fandom to wrap our heads around the Sussexes’ proposal as outlined on SussexRoyal.com, to develop some semblance of understanding, the second bomb dropped - HM was unaware of their decision to go public.  Charles and William weren’t in on it, either.  The discussions were preliminary and were far from adequate enough for the public’s questioning and demanding gaze.  Harry did what Harry has always been prone to doing... he didn’t like the way things had to be, so he made his own rules.

It didn’t look good for my Harry, who I’ve always loved, always defended, even when the worst parts of his personality overshadowed the best.  And for the first time in all the years I’ve been following him, I had nothing to defend him with.  Nothing.  He was wrong in my eyes - plain as day, he was a stubborn, spoiled, petulant brat who didn’t get his way immediately, and retaliated.  He had his reasons, sure, and they were (and are) legitimate.  But I couldn’t find a single way to defend the way he went about making it happen.  And let me tell you guys - that was not easy for me to wrap my head around.  I’d always found room in my thoughts to understand Harry’s relatively infrequent grand lapses of judgment.  This time, I had nothing.  My Harry was wrong.  Wrong.

Not only was he wrong, but he seemed so lost, so desperate to get out.  It was absolutely heartbreaking imagining my Harry - my strong, cheery, dedicated Harry - feeling so desperate for the sake of the safety of his wife and child that he went to this extreme.  Abandoning the only life he’d ever know for a chance at peace.  The only reason for such a move was sheer desperation.  As infuriating as it was... it was equivalently, if not more, heartbreaking.  He sought peace in the only way he thought he could, blindly fearful of the same forces that took his mother, now coming for his wife and son, clawing his way out so he could finally rest... heartbreaking.  I don’t know this about him, but just imagining it was enough for me to feel sick to my stomach.  My poor Harry.  My poor, stubborn Harry.  

Within minutes, this place was at absolute war.  A war that has been building for several years finally hit its breaking point.  I saw people turn on each other, turn on the royals, change their points of view.  I saw language I’ve never seen in all of my years here.  The blame game, finger pointing, complete dissolution of real relationships, friendships breaking, two factions violently clashing with every new piece of information released... it was awful.  It was like a train wreck, or a dumpster fire.  I’ve seen a lot happen in this fandom over the past six years, but I’ve never seen anything like January 8th.  Never.  I couldn’t sit around and watch it happen but I couldn’t bring myself to leave.  I had to be involved for the sake of this blog and for the sake of William, Kate, Harry, Meghan, the kids, and the rest of the British Royal Family, but I hated my involvement.  It was an awful feeling.  Combined with how awful I was feeling already about the idea of the split alone... I felt terrible for days.  Weeks, even.  Even now, just thinking about it, seeing photos of Harry and Meghan plastered all over every media source... even seeing William and Kate out and about, still doing their royal duties... I still feel absolutely awful about the whole thing.  Lost, and sad, and lonely... just awful.

I was losing and gaining followers every minute.  Some people I thought were friends vanished in the blink of an eye, because they didn’t like what I had to say.  Some - violently so.  My inbox and messages blew up - some agreeing with me, more screaming at me, and even more asking what the hell was going on.  It’s been more than four weeks, and I still haven’t gotten through even a third of the messages.  My head was spinning in the worst way, and I couldn’t shake it.  I couldn’t believe it.  All of these years of loving my Harry, waiting for him to find his partner, watching him find her, fall in love with her, propose to her, bring her into this unique world of his... traveling 3,500 miles to see the wedding in person, falling in love with Meghan for the simple reason that he loved her, crying for their pregnancy, and falling in love with the bump that became Bubba that became Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor... just for it to all get ripped out from under my feet not two years later.  I didn’t know what to do.  I couldn’t handle it.  I was heartbroken and completely blindsided and lost and so, so immeasurably sad.  I didn’t know what to do.  I didn’t know what to do.

People were coming at me in droves, mocking my longtime defense of the Cambridges and my omnipresent denial of the feud.  Screaming about William, about how I’m awful for caring for him and his family after what he’s done to his only brother... screaming about the Royal Family and how I’m terrible for loving them despite what they did to Harry and Meghan... telling me to go focus on my “perfect” future King/Queen and leave the Sussexes out of my life, calling me the worst names for having the audacity to open my heart to more than Harry/Meghan/Archie... and worse.  Much, much worse.  My inbox was absolutely atrocious after this whole thing first happened.  A lot of the messages have been since deleted, but just reading them once was more than enough for me.  

I was so ashamed, knowing that this place that I often love so much has eroded to this.  Violence, cruelty, arguing, slinging real insults, cursing the existence of some of my favorite people on the planet, cursing each other... it was so awful.  So awful.  There are no words to describe how it felt for me - a William girl, a Kate girl, a Harry girl, and a Meghan girl, through and through - to be a part of this fandom during these past few weeks.  But mostly, it was absolutely, heartbreakingly awful.  I’m strong enough to know that this stuff doesn’t matter, not really... but it does, in its own way.  It does.

When the split was finalized with a quick, heartfelt, and ultimately quite succinct message from The Queen, I genuinely cried.  Real tears, real heartbreak.  That was it - the end of something many of us waited years and years for, gone after not even two.  Never in my wildest dreams did I even entertain such an idea.  The end of six years of following my Harry... done.  Harry was one of the highlights of my day for so long and now... that’s it.  It’s over.  I was not ready for it, not even remotely prepared for even the idea of it (a split never once even crossed my mind as a possibility to begin with), and now... it’s over.  And it hurts now, just as it did on January 8th and every day of every announcement since then.  It hurts, in a very real way.  It hurts.  And Harry’s last speech sealed the deal.  In ten minutes, he seemed to confirm the sheer desperation with which he acted.  He reminded the world of his reasons for doing what he did - ultimately, to protect that which he holds most dear.  He promised that he wasn’t bailing, but he couldn’t live this way anymore... I’ll admit, I bawled while I was reading it.  I still haven’t listened to the audio; I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to.  It broke me completely.  Shattered me.  My Harry, the light of my life, broke my heart that day and I honestly believe things will never be the same for me with him.  I’m heartbroken.  Truly, honestly, even after all of these weeks... utterly heartbroken.

I’ve been called extra, dramatic, pathetic... both here and in my real life.  I can live with that; that doesn’t bother me.  The feelings are real.  The pride, the disappointment, the heartbreak, the panic, the fury, the excitement, the joy... even though we don’t know these royals, the feelings are real.  I’ll go to my grave saying that.  Most of you guys understand that, I know you do.  Dramatic?  Maybe.  But the way I felt, and feel, about this situation is very, very, agonizingly real.

I’m not sure if it’s apparent, but I’ve taken a bit of a break around here since the last statement dropped.  I’ve been online, sure - occasionally reblogging, chatting, liking, commenting, and whatnot - but I haven’t been nearly as active as I tend to be.  There’s a big hole in this place that the Sussexes left behind when they split from the Royal Family and it’s taken some adjusting for me to grow accustomed to their absence on my dashboard.  I love William and Kate with my whole heart, you guys know that, but there’s just something missing right now.  A little bit of spark, a little bit of my Harry magic is missing, and his absence from my day-to-day blogging dims the allure of this place significantly for me.

I’m still not sure what’s going to happen with this blog.  A blog called Harry-Sussex is hard to keep up if there’s no more Harry Sussex to follow, you know?  I’m not sure how to cover Their Royal Highnesses the future King and Queen alongside Mr. and Mrs. Sussex, regular people.  This blog has been and always will be about royalty... what do you do when half of the royals you cover and care about decide they don’t want to be royal anymore?

I’ve been here for almost six years and I don’t really want to leave just yet.  I think there’s a lot left to see, a lot left to say.  I always wanted to stick around as long as I could, until William’s investiture as Prince of Wales at the very least, but the Sussex split has made that idea much less appealing.  Maybe it’d be easier to follow these people I love so much from afar, instead of so closely.  Maybe I could return to the blissful ignorance of the days before I had this blog, when I got excited over outfits and babies and tiaras instead of getting frustrated over finances and security and engagements.  I’m not sure.  What I do know is that this isn’t as fun for me as it used to be, and truly, I never thought I’d say that.  But in all honesty, this... this has been different.  Way different than anything in my wildest dreams. 

I’m not leaving - please don’t mistake that.  I’m not leaving, not yet, but I just want you all to know that my heart truly isn’t in this right now, and I want you to understand why.  The Sussexes took most of it with them, and whatever’s left has been completely shattered by the way this fandom, this place turned on itself and absolutely imploded... destruction, violence, and cruelty, shattering it from the inside out.  This place is fractured, it is damaged, perhaps irreparably.  And it is very, very real.  It may be an online space, but behind each blog is a real person with real feelings towards these very real royals, and the words one says and actions in which one partakes can have very real consequences.  

That being said... the consequences do not always have to be negative.  There are some truly wonderful people involved in this fandom, without whom I’m not sure how I would have made it through.  It was hard, it still is hard, navigating this new “blog normal.”  

There are quite a few people that I have met or interacted with over the years, and particularly since the split, who have made navigating this new normal much easier.  It was so hard, I was so upset that I cannot adequately vocalize the feeling... but there are some people who went out of their way to cheer me up, however inadvertently.  Through a quick message, chatting, sheer knowledge, or just making me laugh... I really struggled with this place for a bit.  I wasn’t sure if I was going to bow out or not.  I wasn’t sure if I could handle the malice, the negativity from the fandom compounded with missing Harry and Meghan more than I could stand.  

I’m not, at least not now, and I truly believe I owe that to these people.  In the weeks between the first statement and the last, the worst parts of this place were on full display for the world - and me - to see.  I almost let it get to me; I almost let it win.  The best parts, though - nearly overcome by the sheer magnitude of what was happening - revealed themselves to me in a time when I really, really needed it.  My feelings regarding the split were tangible.  The help these wonderful people provided to me was equivalently real, equivalently tangible.

So, with that, I’d like to name and thank more than a few people publicly who really, really made this place a place worth staying in during and in the immediate aftermath of the Sussex split:

@acaffeinateduniverse​ - Someone I’ve never spoken to before the split.  You saw my posts about how heartbroken I was and sent me the absolute sweetest message, understanding and empathizing and generally just being very, very sweet.  For worrying, and for understanding the reality of these feelings.  You are a surprise bright spot in a place that can so often be dark and the world is better because you are in it.  I’m so sorry that you’re equivalently upset by this new arrangement, but we will make it through together.  You’re an absolute angel, thank you for being you.

@avidroyalfan​ - We’ve been through a lot on this website together, haven’t we, Debby?  Thank you for always bringing it back down to Earth and for always coming out swinging - especially when anons are involved.  For always caring about what I have to say.  Sometimes I feel like I’m screaming into the void, but never if you’re around.  Seeing your name always brightens my day.  Thank you.

@cambridgemadness - We have almost nothing in common from a royal-watching standpoint and yet you took time out of your day to message me in the peak of this mess.  We don’t even follow each other but you saw what was going on and put aside our differences and dissimilar preferences to reach out a hand.  This place needs more of that.  The problem here isn’t dissenting opinions; it’s the malice often associated with finding out someone feels differently than you do.  You never did that - not with me - and I really appreciate it more than I can put into words.  Thank you, Vanessa, for reaching out to a complete stranger so kindly.  Seriously.  Thank you.

@catherineandmeghans​ - What can I possibly say, Rach?  We’ve been through a lot together over the years and there’s nobody out there who handles the ins and outs of this hellhole better than you do.  For always being a bright spot in anyone’s day and for always speaking with understanding, level-headedness, and a (figurative) smile.  For knowing when to take a step back.  You are an angel.

@claireofluxembourg​ - It’s a rare thing when someone is a fan and a critic of the same royal, given the development and preeminence of stan culture - especially in this fandom.  For not letting your love of Henry cloud your judgment.  For always being hilarious (hello, Henry’s bald spot) and for always, always owning your shit.  For never being afraid to speak your mind.  For reaching out and understanding (even when I’m being dramatic) and for everything.  You know, friend.  You know.  I love you so much ♡

@crownprincesses​ - For a rational brain, the sweetest disposition, and equal-opportunity-representation of everyone’s favorite royals.  For understanding what was happening and responding so calmly.  For never letting it get to you.  I could learn a thing or two about that from you, Chiara.  Thank you for it.

@defend-mm​ - For your passion, dedication, and availability.  For your involvement.  For the regular positivity in my notifications that I regretfully have taken for granted in the past.  For your openness and enthusiasm and eagerness to defend.  For your engagement with the broader community.  We should all enjoy passion and excitement the way you do.

@duchessofostergotlands​ - The Queen herself.  For knowing everything and never balking at sharing your knowledge.  For being the most rational and thorough person I know.  For level-headed understanding and never, ever judging - even and especially when I deserve it.  For your openness and willingness to talk.  For never letting your preferences get in the way of what others are feeling.  For your understanding and patience.  For RuPawl.  I could go on, but I think you know.  Thank you, Jessica.

@gloriousglorianas​ - One of the most level-headed people I know.  Cece, I don’t know where this place would be without your calm, forgiving, and rational insight, but I’m glad I’ll never have to know.  You are a steadfast pillar of rationality mixed with a heavy dose of excitement and passion and I appreciate it so much.  Thank you for reaching out as kindly as you have and thank you for sticking through the mess and coming out stronger on the other side.  For your nuanced understanding of anything and everything.  

@grandmotherofeurope​ - Thank you for understanding, for loving him and knowing the heartbreak that came with the split.  You reached out - again, without knowing me from a hole in the wall - without judging and with understanding and compassion and I’m forever grateful for it.  I’m truly so, so sorry that you’re so hurt by what’s happened.  I sympathize, and I understand.  You’ll get through it, I promise.  Thank you for being so sweet.

@harryandmeghansussex​ - My best girl.  Becky, I don’t know how we made it through, but we did.  It’s going to be an adjustment but if anyone’s going to be alright, it’s you.  Harry and Meghan would be thrilled to know they have someone like you out there in their corner.  These days, they need it.  For the positivity, all of the challenges, and never letting the negativity get through.  For the updates and the pictures and always keeping me (and everyone else) in the loop.  I wouldn’t have known anything about the Sussexes beyond what was posted on Instagram without you.  Thank you for keeping on top of it when the rest of us can’t.  For understanding and valuing my points of view without bailing on a friendship because we differ.  Another valuable commodity, a true rarity around here.  Thank you.

@hollylite - The very first person to reach out when I was in the middle of having a nervous breakdown.  Thank you for your consistent reassurances, your sweet demeanor, and for your understanding.  Our conversation reminds me of the very best this place has to offer; you are most certainly a part of that.  Thank you.

@hrhatbat​ - Morgan...  Morgan Morgan Morgan.  I swear you’re like a Texas-living, design-savvy, stylist clone of myself.  We have so much in common it literally scares me, but I love it.  Thank you for keeping things bright and airy around here.  It felt so dark for a few weeks, but you never let that get to you or through you, and you never let it get past you to everyone else.  Thanks for never judging and always having something else to talk about.  

@lizisaroyalist​ - You know how much I adore you, but it needs to be in writing.  For always making me laugh and for always coming out swinging.  For the best insults (”cold slice of ham”) and for never taking yourself (or anyone else) too seriously.  For always being in my corner.  For laughing at the ridiculous messages I get, especially now.  I could go on for hours.  There aren’t enough words, but I think you know.  Thank you for being you, Liz.  I love you so so so much ♡  It’s come to my attention that you’ve chosen to leave since I started writing this, which is okay.  We’ll be here if you ever want to come back.  I hope you see this.  You deserve to know how wonderful you are and how thankful I am for your friendship.

@lorising​ - Lo.  What can I say that hasn’t already been said about you?  For the love, the positivity, and the understanding.  For defending anyone and everyone - royal or not.  For the laughter, and the incredibly unique and invaluable optimism and enthusiasm.  For reaching out with a hug and for being so warm and inviting to anyone and everyone.  For your “infinite support.”  We could all learn a thing or two from you.  

@meghanscatherines​ - For being so willing to start new communities within this larger community.  For your positivity and optimism.  For being as sweet as pie.  For understanding, empathizing, and being so compassionate.  You’re a sweetheart, Bia.  Thank you.

@middletonmarkle​ - The sweetest girl.  Mackinley, seeing you in my notifications and on my dashboard always puts a smile on my face.  For bringing me back down to earth with the smallest, sweetest comment.  It’s the little things.  Also, for being on the “William is attractive as all hell” train.  I respect that - you know I do.

@mrmrswales​ - Our resident genius.  I have no idea how someone like me and someone like you get along so well, but I’m thankful that we do.  For always being willing to share your information.  For the sheer breadth of knowledge and expertise you bring to the table.  For being willing to have a conversation, even when that conversation involves someone you categorically cannot stand.  For your drive, ambition, your attitude, and for always playing the Devil’s advocate.  I wouldn’t know half of the things I do without you.  May we all love and appreciate and take pride in our favorites the way you do yours.

@princeh3nry​ - The other fandom OG Harry girl.  For understanding what it’s like to love him and for understanding what it’s like to love the rest of them, too.  For never letting the atmosphere cloud your judgment.  For years of Harry content.  For (inadvertently) dragging me into the mess that is following Prince Harry all those years ago.  For a nuanced and established point of view.  Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one still in this thing for Harry.  Thank you for making me feel a lot less alone - especially now.

@princessanneftw​ - A seriously underrated person around here who never gets involved in the drama (and who seriously makes me laugh with every post).  Thank you so much for reaching out when I was about to lose my mind.  I know I haven’t answered your message (I’m terrible at that, notoriously) but I do go back and read it over and over when I get overwhelmed with this situation, which, even now, weeks later, is still quite often.  It was so sweet and I am so grateful that you took the time to write it.  You are an angel.  You always crack me up - seriously, all the time - and that’s such a valuable commodity in this community.  Thank you for your kindness and for your sense of humor.  

@princesscatherinemiddleton​ - Our resident positivity guru, Duchess of Cambridge extraordinaire, fashion Queen.  Grace, every community - online or not - deserves a person like you.  From making it your personal mission to spread positivity among the darkness, to your calculated and fervent dedication to The Duchess of Cambridge, to welcoming The Duchess of Sussex with open arms... I don’t know what to say.  It takes a special kind of person to willingly do what you do around here.  I hope you never leave - we could use someone like you.  Thank you for doing what you do and for reaching out directly.  For understanding the bigger picture.  So much love to you, my friend.

@queensonjas​ - I feel like you always understand what I’m trying to say even if it makes zero sense.  Thank you for making me feel like a little bit less of a lunatic.  Thank you for always including anyone and everyone.  This place can be so ostracizing - thank you for never letting that happen, especially during this mess.  I appreciate it more than I can say.

@riffraffrouge​ - I intentionally left this one last to write because I didn’t know how to put it into words, but I’ll try.  Melissa, if I am grateful for anything that came from this disaster of a place, it’s you and your friendship.  I had no idea that anyone on Earth loved both the Yankees and the Duchess of Cambridge the way I do... let alone someone who lives less than an hour away.  When I made this blog six years ago, I didn’t think I’d get anything in my real life out of it.  Fortunately, I was wrong.  Thank you for everything you are and everything you do.  For your kindness and for reaching out to anyone and everyone who needs a friend.  For your enthusiasm (in everything) and for your willingness to speak, engage, learn, and teach.  For freaking out with me when we signed Gerrit Cole and Brett Gardner.  For laughing at the future of the Houston Astros and the Boston Red Sox.  For never, ever, ever judging, especially for my hysterics during the split.  Generally, for being the sweetest person on the face of the planet.  There are no words, but I think (hope) you know.  I’m so thankful that you’re you.  Let’s get brunch again soon.  I love you so so so so so much  ♡

@rosegirl1416 - Another person I’ve never spoken to until the split.  Your comments have not gone unnoticed, dear.  Thank you for your patience and understanding.  For your positivity and for the light you bring to this community.  I’ll never forget your reply to one of my posts, telling me to breathe and take my time with getting back to everyone when I was in the middle of an outright breakdown.  I needed to hear it.  I really appreciate your kindness and generosity and humanity.  This place lacks that kind of substance a lot of the time, but you don’t. 

@will-make-more-mistakes-tomorrow​ - Your presence has not gone unnoticed, my friend.  I see you day in and day out and I appreciate you so much.  Thank you for your involvement, your generosity, your interest.  It is rare to feel so seen and heard but you make it effortless.  We all need someone like you in our corner.  Thank you.

--------------------

I’m not sure when my activity level will pick back up again.  Writing this whole thing over the past week has been extremely therapeutic, so maybe it’ll be sooner rather than later.  I know I have a ton of unanswered messages, both in my inbox and in my personal messages.  I know I owe answers, especially to many of you tagged above, and I promise they will come.  I’m still feeling so overwhelmed with this place and with the new status quo of following and loving the British Royal Family.  I’m still furious at the situation and I’m still so, so, so damn sad.  

I still care for them, and I always will, but the allure and luster of following the royals has dulled significantly for me now that half the people I care about aren’t working for the family anymore.  I’ve tried to get into other families, other royals, and I just can’t.  It’s William, Kate, Harry, and Meghan for me, is and will always be.  With half of them on the other side of the globe... what else am I supposed to do, you know?  How do I keep this thing going?  I’m not sure, but right now, the hole is just too big for me to actively work through it.  Maybe the weight will lessen as the new norm becomes old news, but for now... the absence is just too big.  It still hurts too much.  I can’t bring myself to get excited over the future for them right now because it just hurts way too much.  Ultimately, I’m happy for them, but I’m not happy about it.  I’m not excited to see what the future holds because it isn’t what it used to be.  I still adore them both, but right now, the excitement that many Sussex fans are feeling about the prospect of future projects is foreign to me.  I hope that changes, but for now... I’m just not into it anymore.  I’m just not.  Not the way I used to be.  It breaks my heart, but it’s the truth.  It just doesn’t hold the same magic for me anymore.

What was the point of me writing this mammoth essay?  A few reasons, I guess.  I first wanted to acknowledge my comparatively lackluster activity since the final statement was released.  I wanted to acknowledge that I know I owe many of you answers, and I wanted to promise that they are coming - because they are.  I wanted to acknowledge specifically the people who reached out to me during the events and days leading up to the final statement when I made it loud and clear that I was not coping well.  I wanted to be perfectly honest about what I’ve been feeling, about the heartbreak and disappointment and feeling lost and alone.  I wanted to recognize my reasons for taking a step back and the reasons for my diminishing interest in covering the royals... despite the fact that I’d never thought that day would come.

Mostly, though, I wanted to acknowledge the completely toxic culture that is associated with this fandom.  Many people have written pieces about how our little niche of the Internet is the worst one to be in, and on January 8th, for the first time, I really felt it.  The way people treated each other was not right.  Period.  We’re all culprits, but most people make an effort.  Some people do not, and it infiltrates the entire place.  There are real people with real feelings - yes, even about these royals that we do not and never will know - behind these blogs.  If you’re not thinking about how what you’re writing would come off if you were saying it out loud instead, then you’re not doing it right.  We can differ without being cruel.  We can have a conversation without slinging accusations.  We can be civil in the face of differences.  The mute, block, and blacklist functions are there for a reason.  Use them.  If you don’t like what someone has to say, then make sure it can’t come across your dashboard.  If you’re going to react, do it fairly.  Things are difficult enough in this world without having a space that’s supposed to be fun and interesting become a dark cloud over your day.  If this isn’t fun for you anymore, then maybe think about why.  And do whatever you can to change it.  This is your space.  You and you alone have to make sure that it stays positive, or else it won’t.

I’ve unfollowed 16 blogs since the split.  97 to 81.  My blocked list is double that.  I’m not thrilled about it, but this needs to be about me, just like your space has to be about you.  I truly believe that’s the only way to keep this fun for everyone.  This isn’t enormously fun for me anymore, but it doesn’t need to be that way for everyone.  If you don’t like reading something, make sure you can’t read it.  It’s really that simple.  

Anyway... I’m sorry for the long post.  I really am.  If you’ve stuck around this long, then I seriously applaud you.  Thank you for caring about what I have to say and the way I’ve been feeling.  It really helped to get this all out in writing.  I’m hoping I’ll be back to normal soon.  I love you guys, you know that.  I really do.  And I love them still - aggravating as they may be.  I’m hoping this feeling doesn’t last forever, because I’m not done here just yet.  I’m not ready to throw in the towel on six years.  But it might be a little bit before things go back to normal around here for me.  Thank you for understanding, and thank you for caring about them, and about me.  I love you guys endlessly ♡

[homosexualearthworm]

Never thought I’d end up writing a chaptered fic for tyrus, but here we are! Next update is on Monday and then every Monday after that.

Summary:  TJ's eighth grade year is completely turned on it's head after he breaks his leg and is no longer able to play basketball. Luckily Cyrus is more than willing to keep him company.

Ao3 Link

Dwell In Possibility

Chapter One

It was Tuesday, which meant Cyrus was sitting on a bench in the park as he watched TJ and Buffy’s weekly one on one game. What had started as a scheme to get TJ and Buffy on good terms ended up becoming a weekly tradition for the trio. This was mostly due to the fact that TJ and Buffy were both equally competitive and equally matched. Their win rate was nearly 50/50.

Today TJ was in the lead. At least, as far as Cyrus could tell. He was there to keep score but honestly he had no clue what was going on half the time. He just loved cheering on two of his best friends.

“Bam!” Cyrus heard Buffy exclaim as the ball swished through the net. “That’s another point for me, Cyrus!” She gave TJ a gloating smile as she jogged past him to get the ball.

“Oh, so I guess that only makes you 4 points behind me now.” TJ swiped the ball from Buffy’s hands and made another shot. “Actually, looks like you’re back up to 5. You got that Underdog?” He nodded over to Cyrus.

Cyrus smiled and gave TJ a thumbs up. He knew they knew he wasn’t actually keeping score but he appreciated that they included him in the banter. He sighed contentedly as he watched them play, thinking about how nice it is to have two people he cared so much about get along. It was so important to him that Buffy liked TJ.

“Hey! Cy-guy!” The familiar voice broke Cyrus out of his thoughts and he looked up to see Jonah, accompanied by a large golden retriever on a leash, jogging towards him.

“Jonah! Hi!” Cyrus’s grin practically took up his entire face as he beamed at the dog. “I didn’t know you had a dog! What’s his name?”

Cyrus got off the bench and crouched down on the ground to get eye level with the dog, letting it lick his face as he stroked it’s head and scratched it’s ears.

“Yeah, her name’s Stormy. We’ve had her forever.”

“I guess you’ve just never mentioned her.” At that moment Stormy jumped on Cyrus, knocking him down. He yelped as he fell but then laughed when Stormy stretched out across his lap.

“Stormy, no! Get off” Jonah tugged the leash slightly but Stormy didn’t budge.

“No, it’s fine Jonah, I don’t mind! I actually like it.” he chuckled slightly while rubbing his face in Stormy's soft fur, “I wish I had a dog. Three of my four parents are allergic though.” He scratched Stormy under her collar. “And she’s just so beautiful! Yes you are! You are such a pretty puppy! Oh who’s a good girl?”

TJ and Buffy were so into their game they hadn’t noticed Jonah or the dog. But Cyrus’s baby voice caught TJ’s attention. As he was dribbling the ball away from Buffy, he looked over to Cyrus to see what caused him to talk like that and the sight was almost too much. Cyrus’s face radiated pure joy as Jonah’s dog wagged her tail in response to Cyrus’s pets. TJ had never seen a more adorable sight in his life.

He was so distracted by Cyrus that he didn’t notice the large crack in the asphalt he was headed towards. As he melted over the sight of Cyrus, his foot got caught in the crack, lurching his body forward. He hit the ground hard. He fell at a weird angle and all his weight landed on his right leg. His stomach dropped and panic coursed through his veins as he heard the unmistakable snap of a bone breaking. He had never broken a bone before but there was nothing else that sound could have been. It made his skin crawl. Immediately he was hit with a wave of the most excruciating pain he had ever felt in his life.

“Aaarrrrrggaggagghhhhh” he gritted his teeth trying in vain not to scream. His hands clenched around his thigh, trying desperately to will the pain to stop but there was no letting up. “Aaarrgghh FUCK! Shit.” he hissed through his teeth.

Stormy whined as Cyrus threw her off his lap and ran onto the court.

“TJ! Oh my god. What happened? Are you okay?” Cyrus bent down next to TJ, frantically waving his hands around, trying to figure out how he could help.

“He doesn’t look okay.” Cyrus looked up to see Buffy and Jonah also hovering around TJ, their faces looking almost as panicked as Cyrus felt. “TJ you’re sweating. You look like you’re going to be sick.” Buffy continued.

TJ did feel nauseated from the pain. God please no, he thought, if I barf it’s going to land on Cyrus. He swallowed hard, trying to maintain as much dignity as he could in his current position.

TJ inhaled sharply. “I think my leg’s broken.” he said through gritted teeth.

“Can you move it at all?” Cyrus asked

“No.” Even just the thought of moving it filled TJ with dread.

“Okay that’s it, I’m calling 911.”

Cyrus ran back to his backpack at the bench to grab his phone. TJ considered for a second protesting, but he knew that he probably needed an ambulance. He was not about to move from where he sat on his own, and although he trusted his friends he definitely didn’t want them to try to move him either.

Cyrus ran back a minute later, still clutching his phone and typing something. “Okay TJ, an ambulance is on it’s way. And I’m texting your mom to let her know what’s happening so she can meet us at the hospital.”

“No, Cy- sh-she’s at work. She can’t miss a- a shift.” He said, panting through the pain. He felt tears leak from the corner of his eyes as he groaned in pain again.

“TJ! Look at you! Work can wait! Your mom would kill me if some EMT called her after the fact instead of me right now.”

TJ didn’t try to argue again. He knew Cyrus was mostly right anyway. His mom would want to know immediately. And she would drop anything for TJ. But work couldn’t wait. He knew his mom was on thin ice at work and missing a shift could be detrimental to their family.  

He couldn’t think about that right now though. He just kept trying to reign in his pain and keep his groaning and whimpering to a minimum. Embarrassment washed over him as he sat on the asphalt with his three friends all staring at him, concern and pity lacing their faces, while they waited for an ambulance.

Buffy leaned against the wall in the hospital waiting room, talking on the phone with Jonah. She promised to call him with updates since he had to take his dog home and wasn’t able to accompany them to the hospital.

“Yeah, he’s in surgery now. … Well, because they needed to screw the bone back together so it heals properly.” She paused a minute more as Jonah spoke on the other end and as she did she looked across the room at Cyrus.

Cyrus sat anxiously in one of the waiting room chairs, staring absentmindedly at the wall across from him and chewing on his thumbnail.

“He hasn’t said much since we got here. He’s just spacing out. I’ve never seen him this anxious and we’re talking about Cyrus, here. So that’s saying a LOT.”

Buffy nodded into the phone at Jonah’s response. “Yeah they are close, but this is taking it to a whole other level. Cyrus is acting like TJ could die or something, like reckless teenage boys don’t break bones all the time.” She looked back over at Cyrus, his eyes still trained on the same spot on the wall. She sighed. “Honestly I’m more worried about him than I am about TJ… Okay, well, I’ll text you when he’s out of surgery… Okay… yeah, bye.”

Buffy plopped down next to Cyrus after hanging up.

“Hey, you okay?” She bumped his shoulder with her own.

“Hm?” he glanced over at Buffy for a second before turning back to face the wall, still chewing on his thumb nail. “uh, i dunno.”

Buffy grimaced. “You really shouldn’t do that.” She reached up and grabbed his hand, gently yanking the nail out of his mouth and then squeezing his hand lightly between her own. “He’s okay, you know. It’s just a broken bone. People break bones all the time.”

“It’s surgery, Buffy!” his head snapped back up towards hers, eyes wide and brows furrowed. “He’s back there somewhere being cut open and prodded and they’re putting screws in his body and what if it was worse? What if he landed on his head instead of his leg? What if-”

He was cut off by the sound of shoes clicking down the hallway towards them. They both stood up as TJ’s mom approached them.

“Well kids, he’s out of surgery now and resting. The good news is the surgery went well. It was a clean break and they were able to reset it nicely. They’re hopeful it won’t cause any long term problems.”

Cyrus let out the breath he was holding. “Thank god.”

Buffy squeezed his hand she was still holding. “That’s great news, Mrs. Kippen! See Cyrus, I told you a broken bone is not big deal.”

The soft smile Mrs. Kippen gave them fell slightly. “And… the bad news is that this is one of the worst bones TJ could have broken. Femurs take a long time to heal. The average recovery time is six months.”

Cyrus’s mouth hung open. “He won’t be able to walk for six months?”

“What about basketball?” Buffy interjected.

“Unfortunately, there’s no way he’ll be able to play this season. Maybe not next season either. He’s going to need a lot of physical therapy to regain use of his leg. And he’s definitely going to need his friends by his side. I know TJ likes to act tough but this is going to be a really hard time for him.”

Cyrus nodded emphatically. “Of course. We’re going to be there for him.”

Mrs Kippen smiled. “Thank you. But for now, he just needs to rest. No use in you kids staying here any later than you need to on a school night.”

Buffy nodded and turned to Cyrus. “Ready to go?”

Cyrus seemed to hesitate for a minute. He really did not want to leave even if he couldn’t see TJ yet. “Er… yeah, I guess. I’ll be back tomorrow. Can you text me his room number?”

Mrs Kippen nodded. “Of course. Now, let me drive you home.”

It was a little after 11pm when Cyrus got home. He let his parents know that TJ was okay but dodged all their other questions, telling them he was really tired and they would talk tomorrow. In actuality, he just didn't know how to answer their other questions. His head was swimming and he couldn’t seem to parse together a clear thought.

He got in bed and stared up at the ceiling, trying to will his body to relax, to go to sleep. He looked over at the alarm clock on his bedside table. 12:36am. Five and a half hours before he had to get up tomorrow. He sighed, knowing that he was never going to fall asleep at this rate.

He got out of bed and sat down at his desk, turning on his laptop. Working on the book report he had due next week always seemed to make him want to go to sleep so he figured he’d try that for a while. Instead he just found himself staring blankly at his computer screen as opposed to the ceiling.

He shut his laptop in frustration, rubbing his hands over his face and groaning. This is hopeless , he thought, I’m just not going to sleep tonight and that’s that .

When he looked up from his hands, he noticed a black notebook laying on the corner of his desk. His stepdad had given it to Cyrus when he started sixth grade. The transition from grade school to middle school was particularly challenging for Cyrus. He got bullied pretty frequently that year. He never told his parents about it but they noticed a spike in his anxiety nonetheless.

Cyrus’s stepdad pulled him aside one day and handed him that notebook. “Look, son. I know something is going on. I understand if you’re uncomfortable talking to me about it, but I want to make sure you’re processing your feelings somehow.” he said to him. “I’m not going to force you to talk to me or one of your other parents when you’re upset, but if you don’t want to talk about it, I want you to write about it. Just whatever is in your head. Stream of consciousness. It will help, I promise. Can you do that for me?”

Cyrus flipped through the blank pages of the journal and nodded at his stepdad. “Yeah, I’ll try.”

His stepdad ruffled Cyrus’s hair. “Good, kid.”

Now, two years later at 1am in his bedroom, Cyrus flipped through that journal. He did use it when he was upset that year and it helped him a lot. It made him feel less alone and more in control of his thoughts.

It had been about a year since he’d written though. He stopped using the journal when the bullying eventually died down. But now he felt the urge to use it again. He flipped to the first blank page and rested the tip of the pen on the top left corner. He didn’t know where to start or what he even wanted to say.

Just whatever’s in your head. Stream of consciousness. He heard his step dad's voice play in his head.

Cyrus took a deep breath and began to write.

He’s hurting. He’s somewhere in that huge hospital alone in a strange bed with his leg cut open and stitched back together. there’s screws in his bone and i didn’t even get to see him after he got out of surgery. I wish i could have seen him. I’m trying to imagine if he would smile at seeing me there or grimace in pain or maybe embarrassment because i’m too concerned and i think it’s hard for him to accept that people care about him. But i do care about him. so much. Too much. I just need to know that he’s okay. I mean. I know he’s okay as in he’s going to live and be fine but how is he feeling? Like emotionally? Does he even know how he feels emotionally? What if he needs to talk to me to figure out what he’s feeling, to work through what’s going on in his head? No. stop it Cyrus. Stop trying to fix everyone’s problems and make everything about you. It’s not like TJ needs me or anything. He’s smart and independent and confident. He can handle anything. But. I want him to need me. Is that bad? I think I need him too, though. Is that bad too? Does that make me codependent? No, it’s not codependent if it’s one sided. Then it’s just dependent. Just pathetic. I’m pathetic. God. I act like i have some silly schoolgirl crush on him. I don’t though. He’s just one of my best friends. I would never admit this to andi or buffy but he’s become one of the most important people in my life, right up there with the two of them. God, i just want to see him right now. I want to know he’s okay, I want to stroke his hair, I want to grab his smug face and just kiss him.

Oh.

I don’t know why I wrote that. It’s not true.

I mean, it’s a little true.

Damn it. I do like him.