#mostly cuz I expected to be able to pick them up today or tomorrow

[froggi-mushroom]

Having the most stressful time currently

[teresa-moyocoyotzin]

QOTS 5.09 “I Love You” Scenes Meta

MAJOR SPOILERS FOR 5.09 OF QUEEN OF THE SOUTH ABOUND

Okay this is basically just me trying to place James and Teresa’s ILY scenes within the larger context of their relationship and other kisses, and analyzing their respective reactions!

(Also just a disclaimer that obviously this is just one fan’s interpretation, there’s no right or wrong here! This is just how I see it and hopefully it’ll connect w some of y’alls insight too!)

Oh boy okay so I’m just gonna do this in the style of my old Bolivia visions meta b/c I think the best in bullet point form, so we’re just gonna go thru the scenes like super in depth, w/ way more detail than necessary. Think of it as a close reading, but instead of a piece of writing, it’s a tv show, and it has no sources except My Opinions lol

I’m still planning to actually write out my reactions to the whole episode when I re-watch it, but I can’t stop picking apart the I Love You scenes b/c honestly there’s so much going on there! Come on y’all this has been building since the second episode of this show there’s a lot to unpack here. I’m mostly focusing on how these kisses are vastly different from any of their other kisses IMO and how that affects the love confessions!

THIS IS GONNA BE UNNECESSARILY LONG AND NOT VERY ORGANIZED, BE WARNED

Let’s start when James says “You wouldn’t let me do it, so why should I let you?” shall we? B/c THIS MOMENT

SO as others have pointed out, this line really feels like a love confession in and of itself, and I’m sure if they hadn’t confessed their feelings in the same scene we would all be obsessing about it. I low-key am anyways..

Sure they’ve acknowledged that they do things to protect each other etc. etc. but this is really James making sure that she knows that he knows that SHE knows that they both feel the same way, and he’s not dancing around it anymore, not when she’s throwing herself into danger yet again. Teresa doesn’t have an answer, but it does make something click in her brain. No matter what moral code she’s following these days, if James was walking into a death trap like that she wouldn’t want him to go and would try to stop him. And right now, he’s feeling the same thing for her, he knows that she cares as much about him as he cares about her and that it’s a LOT, and he’s telling it straight to her face.

When she kisses him, I think it’s an acknowledgment of that, as well as her sort of trying to return the sentiment. And also, she doesn’t have a good answer to his question and wants to kiss him so she does!! James is clearly surprised by the kiss, as evident by his posture and slowly relaxing into the kiss. But THEN

After James’ brain catches up, he kisses her again, and even tho it’s short it looks to me like a pretty powerful, strong kiss!!?? (hard to tell b/c as usual…. they filmed it in a black hole..) and to me, it reads like he really let all his true feelings come through in that kiss POSSIBLY FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

Now, lemme explain. Their first kiss in 3.05 was undeniably full of feelings and emotions, and I’m sure that night was super passionate and full of love! However, knowing what we know now about how everything plays out, I don’t think they were really at the point of saying ILY yet. Even if they did both love each other then, and I think they did, they had a lot of trust issues and abandonment issues to work through first. And as we all know, after that night everything goes to shit and they go about 12 steps backwards. My main point here is that I think both James and Teresa are still feeling generally unsure about each other’s feelings during their first kiss. This is also true for.. literally all of their kisses? Until now. Because in 3.09, they’re just super horny from taking over Phoenix but Teresa is just barely getting over Guero’s death in that episode.. I think that kiss was more about them feeling like the King and Queen of phoenix and less about their Actual Feelings (just imo obviously). And then they kiss after Teresa gets back form Bolivia but Teresa is suspecting him then and he’s certainly feeling her hesitation so no big feelings in that kiss either. Then of course there’s the goodbye kiss at the end of s3, and yes in that one I do think they were both letting their true feelings show in their kiss but they were both misinterpreting the other’s feelings and both were in a way lying to the other in that scene. James about his reason for leaving, and Teresa about her true reasons for wanting him to stay. And THEN, the kiss at the beginning of s5 is very much a “I’m happy you’re back, I want to be with you, but we can’t” kind of kiss, and again, there were feelings there but they were both still holding something back, and still not on the same page about what they wanted and were working towards. But in this kiss, they are on the same page , working toward the same thing, which is to get themselves OUT, together. Ever since they made that decision, there is an implicit agreement between them that they’re getting out together, and I think they both know that they want to be together if they make it out. And they both are desperate to have the other know their feelings before any potential deaths. However, they don’t really KNOW that they’re on the same page until that KISS.

SO ALL THIS TO SAY that in my eyes, the main reason Teresa’s so shocked is that this is the first time that James didn’t hold ANY of his love for her back when he kissed her, and she FELT IT babeyy. Teresa initiates this kiss to show him her true feelings, which takes him bit by surprise, but then he returns the feelings Full Force which takes Teresa totally by surprise.

I mean just look at her face after they part, before he says ILY. She looks shocked and confused, almost a little angry? I don’t think it’s really anger though, so much as it is being taken aback by the emotions that James is laying all out on the table for her to clearly see. Her face here is actually what drove me to write this meta, because at first I was so confused as to why she looked so shook up after the first kiss, cuz like girl U INITIATED IT?? I think part of it is that Teresa was a bit taken aback by the strength of her own feelings in that moments and the urge to kiss him despite them not being out of the business yet. She’s realized that if she’s gonna die tomorrow, she wants to kiss James first, and she wants that like, really bad. And also she loves him and was overcome w the urge to show him. But mainly, I really don’t think she expected to be met w/ such strong love from James’ kiss, because all the other times, he had been holding back his feelings.

James’ face after the kiss totally plays into this theory for me - he looks like he just got CAUGHT. She’s looking at him like what the Fuck was that!!! And he’s like oh SHit now I just gotta say it. The way he looks at her and shakes his head a little like, wow I’m really about to say it. I think it’s been on the tip of his tongue all episode, but he realized he just totally showed his hand with that kiss and there’s no going back now.

But omg you guys his face when he says it just SENDS ME TO THE FLOOR his little smile???? Like he’s thinking “how did we end up here? am I really about to tell Teresa I love her? YEP”

I don’t think she had any intention of telling him her feelings so outright yet, to me it totally makes sense that he tells her first. At the beginning of the season, Teresa made it clear that she does want to be with James, but she felt restricted by their life. So, James has spent the past season coming to terms with a) that Teresa still wants to be with him if they can get out of the business, b) that she’s changed a lot and no longer follows her old moral code, and c) that he still loves her even if she’s not entirely the same person he fell in love with originally.

Meanwhile Teresa came to terms w/ the fact that she wanted to be w/ him early in the season but pushed that Right down after indulging in 1 kiss (which I think was also meant to be a reassurance that she did want to be with him) but spent the rest of the season trying to grow her business, which in her mind would forever keep her from being able to be with James. So even if she acknowledged her feelings, she was not letting herself dwell on them. James, however… oh boy has he been dwelling. Especially since Dumas so kindly pointed his feelings out to him lol. So I think Teresa’s strong feelings for James have been building under the surface but she wasn’t allowing herself to acknowledge them at all, and therefore I think she kind of surprised herself a bit by kissing him, was then even more surprised by how strongly her feelings were showing, and then James hits her with a Big Feelings kiss and then an I Love You??? Oh boy

Taking this into account it totally makes sense that she looks super shocked after James tells her, even if they both have ~known~ for a long time. Y’know?

Okay so then there’s the sex scene which I LOVED omg, like absolutely zero complaints, super hot, exactly what they and we deserved. I’m not gonna get into it b/c I think it speaks for itself, but like, would happily read a meta about it if someone wrote it 👀

Anyways I think the morning after, when Teresa is laying in bed admiring James, is when Teresa is really digesting all of these feelings and the fact of them being out in the open, and she’s deciding that she needs to tell James she loves him, like ASAP. She is also at the same time having to accept that she’s going on a super dangerous mission today that she night not come back from, and if she does come back from it, they’re gonna have to still find a way Out. All in all, safe to say she’s got a lot going on in her mind, but it’s clear by her gazing at him that James is a big factor in all of it.

I love the next scene so much omg

They’ve gotten ready for the day and James is once again pulling tricks out of his bag to ensure her safety, and she’s just.. staring at him. My personal headcanon here is that Teresa’s intuition was telling her that a) the phonegun was gonna be irrelevant, and b) that she had about 30 seconds before her phone rang and she had to leave for potential death. Therefore it just blocked out literally everything but James and needing to tell him that she loved him. The moment I love the most is actually when James says “Here, try it” and he steps closer and she sort of jolts like they’re physically connected. The first time I saw the scene I literally gasped from that one step he takes because they just had this electric pull between them that was so obvious that I literally felt it. The chemistry!!!!

She’s just so focused on him in that moment and that whole scene, and the way she whispers “I love you” likes she just HAS to say it, she has to make sure he KNOWS she loves him before she runs off to risk her life. And the fact that it happens while James is actively trying to set her up for protection??? POETIC CINEMA I tell you. Kudos to Alice for that because apparently it was her idea and it’s my FAVE

Another thing that I really don’t know how to interpret but I find interesting from a cinematic point of view: James and Teresa are literally left in the dark during James’ love confession. It’s at night, and there is NO DAMN LIGHT AT ALL ON THEIR FACES (I bet the gif makers really appreciated that one huh…) so we can’t even see their reactions very well. Meanwhile, when Teresa confesses her feelings, it’s super brightly lit, in a white room, she’s wearing white, we can see all of the emotions on their faces. IDK what this is meant to symbolize exactly, so if anyone has thoughts PLEASE share them.

James seems a little in shock after, I think he really didn’t expect her to say it, even if he assumed she felt the same. And I think he was okay w/ that and had accepted it, knowing it would be really hard for her to say. After all, once she acknowledges it, it’s that much more painful if they have to say goodbye…

I think the way she says it perfectly captures how hard it is for her to get the words out, even if she feels an overwhelming urge to say them and make sure he knows. She seems very sure of her feelings, and I don’t think she hesitated to tell him at all, but it’s still a big step, and presumably the last person she said ILY to, in this context, was Guero. And his death destroyed her, so ofc she’s be scared to admit that she’s in love and put herself at the risk of losing it again. God Alice did such a good job w/ that line it really gets me every time. So sure, and soft, but with no room for doubt. Like she knows he doesn’t expect her to say it, but she can’t bear to let him think she doesn’t love him back. And it’s so simple too, like she’s saying “of COURSE I love you, how could you think I don’t?” AHHHH

And just the way she stares at him the whole time like she’s just waiting for him to stop talking so she can say it, and while she waits she’s perfectly happy to ignore the situation at hand and think about how she loves him and he loves her and also probably how good he FUCKS cuz like……………y’all saw his hand goin’ down there after he flips her over right 👀 okay ANYWAYS

So she finally tells him!!!!!! That she loves him!!! And kisses him!! Just to really drive the point home. And because, again, I think something was telling Teresa to kiss her man and tell him she loves him because she was about to get a call from Kostya’s men any second.

I really think James’ sort of blank look after she tells him is just him being in shock that she actually said it. I would have loved to know what he would have said after that, but alas.

That final shot before the phone rings though ❤️ their foreheads together, her hand on his heart and his hand on her hand, also the way that visually her arm (clothed in white) is across his body (clothed in black/gray) and vice versa w/ his arm is across her body, sort of continuing the sort of yin-yang theme they have going this season, I just think is a cool touch on the behalf of whoever choreographed/directed the scene.

I also interpret it as a very grounding moment for both of them, rooted in physical touch but not sexual in any way, just comforting. They finally can completely take comfort in each other because their feelings are out in the open and they’re completely connected. AGH they really have me in a chokehold lol

Anyways this is so fucking long and rambly, I don’t know if it makes sense but I did my best to proofread, I’m so sorry but thank you for reading if you’ve made it all the way here, or like even if you made it thru 1/16 of it lol I APPRECIATE YOU

I’m not sure what the main point is here, but anyways I think the actors, writers, directors, etc. did an amazing job w/ their I Love You scenes and I’m personally feeling v satisfied w/ it!

[bubble-tea-bunny]

in the wind

[mako x reader]

author’s note: i would like to thank fallin’ flower by svt for giving me inspo. this is totally different from the idea i had originally but i like this cuz it’s seasonally appropriate. just gonna tuck the other idea away for now and probably write it for bolin cuz it fits him more hehehe

word count: 5,068

Your side of the bed is empty when Mako wakes up this morning, but that comes as no surprise. Occasionally you’re up and out of the apartment before sunrise, the slightly sloppy arrangement of the blanket’s edge stuffed beneath your pillow lone evidence of having been there at all. Mako makes the bed properly now that he’s standing, and the finishing touch is the fluffy bunny toy he nearly steps on by accident. You must’ve knocked it off the bed and not noticed. With a small smile he picks it up and sets it between the pillows. He’d won that for you at the fair last year, the only prize he’d managed to get, and he’d complained with a huff about how the games are rigged and that’s why he was performing poorly but you just laughed and assured him you were perfectly happy with your bunny.

While he isn’t surprised to find you gone by the time he’s awake, especially because it’s been happening consistently all this week, what does surprise him is the harsh breeze that nips at his skin once he’s outside. He can’t help the scrunching of his nose and he considers turning around to grab his scarf, but decides against it. He had plans to show up to the department a little earlier today to catch up on paperwork. It would be fine. He’d be inside most of the day anyway.

Or, well, he expected to be. But he ends up being wrong. As luck would have it, Chief Beifong has him on the beat since the officer who would typically be patrolling the area is out sick. So he’s outside again, a sorry amount of progress made on the stack of folders on his desk, trying to fight back sniffles and hoping his nose isn’t as red as he thinks it is. A mother walks by with her son around whose neck she pulls a scarf, wrapped tight and tucked into place, a motion complimented by a light admonition to keep it on and not tug it off again, lest he get sick. And mostly to herself, as she straightens up, she speculates lowly where this sudden turn in the weather has come from. But Mako hears and lets out a light sigh, breath materializing in front of him, and wonders the same.

One consolation of being forced to deal with the brunt of the weather is that Mako’s patrol takes him through the park. Fewer people came here once summer began turning to fall, the cooler air less conducive to outdoor actives like picnics or simply laying out in the grass to enjoy the sun. Today the park is even emptier than usual with the chill in the air, and the icy gusts sweep through the trees which rustle loudly and let go of their leaves, too weak to hold on.

The grass is losing color and the leaves which have fallen are brown and crunch beneath his boots. What leaves are left on the trees are brilliant hues of red and yellow, the truest sign that autumn has arrived in Republic City. Though some may not favor the cooler weather, no one can deny the beauty of a shifting season. Mako certainly won’t try to, and besides, he can hardly feel the severity of the wind anymore, after being outside for some time. Or maybe his face is just numb now.

His patrol is quiet and uneventful, another day passing peacefully. The sun is disappearing behind the horizon, orange light almost blinding as it reflects off the windows of the skyscrapers. Chief Beifong passes by Mako’s desk on her way out and he pauses in his efforts to sort through the new files plopped down on his desk while he was away to listen as she informs him that the officer on sick leave should be back tomorrow. He nods. All right. Thanks, Chief.

She leaves with a curt nod and a sly aside that it’s a good thing too, because if Mako had to be out there again, his nose might fall off. Mako covers his nose with his hand, cheeks heating up. So it did turn red!

It’s dark by the time he’s packed up and left the department. He knows it isn’t late, but the shorter days make it feel that way, and serve to make him feel tired more quickly. However, his destination right now isn’t the apartment. Instead, halfway along the route there, he makes a turn down a different street, continuing until a familiar building comes into view.

Two women come out through the front doors and upon seeing him, smile and wave amicably. One of them says you’re inside, where you always are, and Mako grins back and says thank you. Sure enough, light is peaking through the crack beneath the third door on the left, and he turns the knob and pulls back, opening it and slipping through into the room.

You’re all alone in the dance room, and he knows you see him because of the mirrors covering three of the walls, from the ground up to the ceiling. But you never break your stride, humming to yourself and moving in time with the beat you have set. He stays close to the door, leaning against it in silence and watching you with adoration flittering in his eyes that he doesn’t try to hide.

He knew you were a dancer before the two of you even talked for the first time. He’s nothing if not observant, something of a necessity give his job, and he could easily pick up on the way you held yourself, a sense of ease and litheness to your person he doesn’t often see. His urge to confirm whether his guess is correct is what leads to that first conversation, and your smile when you tell him he’s right is so beautiful and he is transfixed.

Perhaps this aura you exude is practiced for the stage, but Mako is inclined to reason that it’s natural. And he is serving witness to evidence of such, as you dance your way through your routine before finally, you lower yourself gracefully to the floor, right in the center, and he can’t say for sure if it was intentional, the last pose of your dance, or if your muscles are no longer able to support you after practicing for as long as you have. Your nimble descent is punctuated with silence, your chest heaving in deep but controlled breaths and this scene is begging for a spotlight. You aren’t made for the stage; the stage is made for you.

When you meet his gaze through the mirror, he claps, and through your exhaustion you muster a shy smile. You’ve performed before many people but still feel flustered around him, and if he’s being honest, he’s flattered. He’d said as much to you in the past, fond of teasing and fonder still of the blush dusting your cheeks at having heard that.

You’re slow to stand which gives away that you are indeed sore, but you don’t complain about it. You never do. With an inquiry as to how his day has been, you put on your thick coat, ideal for fending off the cold, and scoop up your bag.

He waves a hand. Oh, you know. Same old, same old. And it’s true. It’s been quiet lately and while he certainly wouldn’t mind some exciting stakeouts or chases, he appreciates these quiet days as well. The point is that there’s not much worth talking about and he’d much rather hear about your day instead.

Same old, same old. You say his words back to him playfully and he chuckles, grasping your hand in his. Just practice, practice, and more practice. The company you’re with had decided to hold the upcoming performance outdoors in the park, rather than in the theater they typically were in. It was a chance to take advantage of the weather—it wasn’t so hot as to leave the dancers uncomfortable and weary, and the vibrant colors were a backdrop that could hardly be beat. A performance outside also meant a bigger audience, due to accessibility. Anyone would be welcome to stop and watch for however long they wished.

This performance is also why you leave the apartment during the early hours of morning. While you maintain a disciplined routine even when there are no performances to be preparing for, you’re even stricter with yourself when there are, since you need to ensure everything is perfect. Every small tilt of the head, every angle of an outstretched arm, every expression on your face. You’re the first one in the building and the last one out of it more often than not. He admires your work ethic.

The two of you walk outside and momentarily you let go of his hand to lock the doors. Once you’ve done that, you turn around and catch him sniffling and rubbing at his nose. You frown slightly.

“You forgot to bring a scarf.” It’s not a question.

Mako glances at you and scratches the back of his neck sheepishly. “Yeah, but it’s fine. Really.”

You’re not satisfied with that, but lucky for him, you come prepared. He holds his hand out for you to take but blinks in confusion when you proceed to ignore it and instead rifle through your bag. With a little noise of victory, you pull out your scarf: white, fluffy, and very warm.

Mako smiles, already feeling warmer from your thoughtfulness, but before he can take the scarf, you loop it around his neck for him. He crouches a little to make this easier, since you’re considerably shorter than he is, and you giggle as he does. His smile widens, and after you’re done, he stands straight and takes hold of your hand again. He brings it up to his mouth to lay a gentle kiss on the back of it.

“Thank you.”

You hum in a tone that means Of course. On the short trip home, Mako realizes there is something from his day he would like to share.

“I was out on patrol today and passed through the park,” he explains. “The trees were beautiful. I wished you’d been there to enjoy it with me.”

Your eyes sparkle with affection. “I wish I could’ve been there too. We’ll have to go when we find the time.”

When we find the time being the key phrase. You and Mako are busy with your separate obligations, and often don’t get to spend time together until the very end of the day. Mako meeting you at your dance company’s building and going home with you isn’t a common occurrence, only possible if he leaves work on time. And if he does, you usually tell him not to wait up for you and you’ll just see him when you get back to the apartment. At best, you have a couple of hours with each other, mostly spent in silence due to how tired you both are. But you make do with that. It’s better than nothing.

However, Mako doesn’t feel totally content with it. In fact, he feels rather guilty most days because his work prevents him from making it to your performances. You’ve never made known any disappointment or anger and take care to remind him that it’s okay, you aren’t bothered, but he knows deep down you’d like him to be there and your heart is just too kind to be upfront. It makes his own clench painfully with that growing guilt.

And so, upon the announcement of your company’s plan for the performance in the park, he promised you he would go. If it didn’t line up with his schedule, he would ask Chief Beifong to make changes to the shifts that would allow him to go and make up for it another day. You’d lit up when he told you this, and though you don’t explicitly say so, his promise motivates you to work even harder.

Mako sees it at the end of each day, whether when he meets you at the company building or when he sees you at home: late nights spent practicing, a sweat-laden brow, sore muscles, and a tired smile you gather the energy to grace him with whenever he turns your way and asks  if there’s anything he can do to help you feel more comfortable. He’ll be sitting on the couch and wordlessly open his arms, already knowing what your answer would be, and you plop down next to him and cuddle close, body relaxing with a deep breath. Faintly you admit to him that he makes you feel like you could dance forever.

Me? he questions, partly just to tease and partly from curiosity. He wanted to know more about what you meant by that.

You hum, lowly and fatigued, and he thinks that’s all you’ll share in the ways of a response, and he wouldn’t mind because you need to rest, but after a few seconds you continue. Remember when you teased me about being flustered when I dance in front of you? It’s because I want to do my best to impress you. You’d dance forever if he asked.

When you admit this, he only hugs you tighter and kisses your head and thinks that you don’t have to do anything other than be who you are in order to impress him. He’d love you all the same.

Seeing your hard work behind the scenes only makes him more excited to see the finished product. He hasn’t seen the entire routine, not that you would let him. You stress to him that you want it to be a surprise. It’s simple for him to respect your wish and he waits patiently as the days pass, another X marked on the calendar. In a way, the long shifts at the department are a positive if only because time seems to move quicker while he’s there, so preoccupied with work as he is.

The current month is gone in the blink of an eye. Gingerly you take the calendar from where it hangs on the wall to flip to the next page and Mako sees it, near the top: a big circle, the words “the big day” scribbled inside, in capital letters and paired with three exclamation points.

If it were even possible, he sees even less of you in the final two weeks before the performance. Not only are you working on your own routine, you’d agreed to assist some of the other senior members of the company in reviewing choreography with the less experienced dancers. Originally it hadn’t been one of your obligations, but when the need for extra help arose, you were happy to volunteer. This certainly does nothing to aid your lack of sleep or weary body, but you somehow have the strength to endure it all, looking none the worse for wear and donning a big grin as you explain to Mako what task you’ve taken up.

Of course, the way you plop down into bed each night and fall asleep immediately gives it away, but Mako promises not to tell anyone.

On the day of the show—or, according to the calendar, THE BIG DAY!!!—he wonders as he gets ready for work if you’ll be able to find extra time to review your dance. You’d remarked last night that you hoped you’d be able to, but your new priority had been to help the other dancers run through their choreographies until they—and, well, you too to some extent, given the years of experience you have on them and the trained eye you’ve developed—feel satisfied.

But then you resolved that if you don’t get the chance, it’s okay, and maybe you’re saying it more to yourself than to Mako but he still made sure to remind you not to run yourself ragged. He knows you better than most and knows that you’d try to squeeze in even just a few minutes of last-minute practice if you saw a small opening in your schedule. The intense motivation is inspiring, truly, but it would be a shame if you were to crash on the day your work was to come to fruition.

Once he finishes his stern yet gentle reminder, he looks over at you, and while you nod, showing that you’ve listened and understood, he can detect your excitement for the next day flittering beneath the surface, coursing through your veins so forcefully he suspects you’re one second away from jumping around the room, like a wind-up toy. The corner of his lips lifts in an amused smile and he reaches to take your hand in his.

“Okay?” he asks.

And you know him better than most and know what he’s doing in this moment, softly taking hold of you and pulling you back down to the ground before you float too far away in your own flurried thoughts. The eagerness within you calms down, now a consistent and manageable simmer instead of the original intense exhilaration threatening to burst forth, settled by his touch.

You smile. “Okay.”

When the hour strikes to signify that Mako’s shift is over, he’s quick to clean up his desk and gather his belongings. Chief Beifong is still in her office, the door open, and he pokes his head through quickly to bid her goodbye but doesn’t linger to hear any response. But she doesn’t say anything anyway. She’s aware of what today is.

He doesn’t have time to return to the apartment to change, meaning he’ll have to remain in his uniform, but he doesn’t mind. What he does have adequate time for is a quick stop by the flower shop, and he gets to the park with several minutes to spare.

All the seats that have been put out are filled, but he’s fine with standing. He takes up his place towards the back, and observes the scene, the culmination of your company’s diligence and determination. There’s a stage with a staircase on either side, and the breeze rustles the trees which serve as the backdrop. While there are light rigs set up for when it got darker, for now they’re unnecessary, as the sunlight is soft from the arrival of golden hour.  

The audio technicians are making final adjustments and Mako can see the first group of dancers waiting off to one side of the stage. He scans the rest of the area for you, expecting to find you among the others who are going up later, but he doesn’t spot you anywhere.

Worry festers in the pit of his stomach as he looks around the rest of the crowd, for perhaps you’ve found someone you know and have taken a few minutes to sit down and talk. His effort to find you is unsuccessful, and he’s hardly listening as the introduction to the show is made, a heartfelt thanks for being here and hopes that everyone enjoy what the dancers have worked so hard on. It’s when he hears the rustle of paper that he realizes he’s been squeezing the bouquet stems.

He stares down at his hand, has to manually instruct himself to stop clenching his fist, and one by one his fingers loosen, the wrapping paper crinkling, and he knows this is just to distract himself. The first group of dancers have taken their place on stage and now await the music. Where were you?

“We’re here!”

Mako hears your voice just before the song starts, and he turns to see you jogging lightly, one of the other dancers close behind you. Your steps are careful due to the costume you wear, and you hold some of the extra fabric in one hand to prevent it from blowing in the wind. You both slow to a stop before Xiaohui, your boss and creator of the dance company you’re with, and Mako can’t hear what it is you’re all discussing. But he just cares that you’re here, and as the last of his worry fades, he turns his attention to the stage.

You’d been standing close to Xiaohui to talk to her, but now that your conversation is over, you back up a few steps to a more reasonable distance and your movements in Mako’s peripherals prompt him to look back over at you. You’re not standing very far from him but don’t notice him, which he doesn’t mind. He’s content to watch you, in this short stretch of time before it’s your turn, and if you’re nervous, you do a good job at hiding it.

You start to check over your costume, smoothing out wrinkles you have may created from holding it bunched up while you ran. Then you touch your hair, wanting to be sure it hasn’t loosened from the elegant style you have it in. The other girl you’d arrived with (her name escapes Mako at the moment) sees what you’re doing and leans in to reassure you that you look perfect.

Well, at least, that’s what Mako assumes she says. Because you do look perfect, even in your relaxed state, not having yet taken up the air of the professional performer, that charm and fluidity with the practiced facial expressions to match, enough to mesmerize and captivate. For all your natural poise, when you’re off the stage, you’re goofy and playful and if one didn’t know better, they would hardly believe it was still you when you are on it.

It’s a talent not many have, and even if Mako is aware of your two sides, he’s not prepared when the moment comes, and you ascend the few steps up to the stage alone.

In the seconds of silence before the music plays, your eyes flicker over the audience, and he figures you might be trying to look for him, but you don’t keep at it for long before you look down again, and though he’s too far to see the details of your face, he knows you’re getting into the proper headspace. The melody begins to float from the speakers, and from the very first beat you’re moving, the sound seeming to carry you from one side to the other.

Your gaze is softer than the light from the setting sun and it steals Mako’s breath away. He’d never get used to it, to your presence on stage, lost in the music and the flow of your movements, a smoothness like water heading downstream. You make it all look so effortless, appearing lighter than air and he half expects you to be swept up by the breeze, just like the autumn leaves which surround you. You gain strength from the earth beneath your feet with every step, twist, and turn, and there’s a fire raging inside you which crashes against the walls of your heart, a stunning passion made evident with each agile gesture and dreamy sigh. You’re not a bender but you control the elements better than most.

The dress you wear reaches the floor and flutters freely in the wind now that it’s not being held down, and you appear to glide. And maybe the rest of the audience is thinking what Mako is thinking, that there’s no human on the stage, but something else, a creature from bedtime stories and whose home is the world one sees when glancing into the reflection of a lake on a still day. You’ve emerged from the most ideal parts of the soul, form and breath given to the good deep down in everyone.

Mako’s grip on the bouquet had been slack, his nerves having dissipated after seeing you come running earlier, but it tightens again though not from worry. It mirrors the tightening in the pit of his chest the longer he watches you and he really meant what he'd said before, that you don't have to do anything other than be yourself to impress him. The dance could be the exact same, the one difference being that someone else is up there on that stage, moving to this song in front of these trees and among the falling leaves, but it would never encompass the power you give it. The love he feels for you is profound and the art you live to share with the world only magnifies the reasons why.

As the music slows and fades to a close, and you lower yourself delicately to the ground, a fallen leaf in your own right, he sighs out a breath of admiration, mind hazy like he’s just woken up. You stand up as applause erupts and this time you spot him, your eyes meeting, and despite the space between you filled with an audience as captivated by you as he had been, it feels like you’re the only two people here.

You were scheduled towards the end of the show, so there isn’t long left before closing remarks are made, one more expression of gratitude shared, and then the crowd starts to disperse into a night that’s still young. You’re not able to meet Mako right away, doing what you can to help clean up and put away chairs, and he waits patiently to the side as you do. From where he stands, he can see Xiaohui approach you. Again, he can’t hear the conversation, but he has a suspicion of what it’s about when she motions for you to leave the chair you were about to pick up and points over your shoulder, in his direction.

You follow her finger, and upon spotting him, smile widely. He lifts a hand to give a short wave, and then you turn around, likely asking if Xiaohui is really fine with you leaving now, and she nods. So you begin to say your goodbyes to the other dancers, keeping it brief. And then you’re walking towards him, and he smiles as he presents the bouquet to you. The wrapping paper around the stems is crinkled from his hold but the stems themselves are fine and that's what matters.

“Thank you,” you say as you take the flowers, mindful of the fragile petals. Your voice is quiet, denoting your tiredness, and you’re no longer able to hide it, not that you want to. With the end of the big show, the climax after months of hard work, you can let the walls drop and entertain the idea of sleeping for a full night for once (and maybe a full day too).

“You were amazing.” The compliment’s lackluster and Mako’s not much of a poet but he hopes you understand the depth of his affection, able to be found by peeking between the lines at words not spoken.

A couple of seconds of silence pass as you stare up at him, your eyelashes kissing your cheeks with every blink (up close he can see the glitter dusted across them and across the bridge of your nose, and they glimmer under the light of the lamppost). Finally, when you smile, he knows you’ve understood, and you’re doing it again, what you do whenever he sees you dance: you blush and avert your eyes bashfully, shrinking beneath his fond gaze.

Mako chuckles warmly. While he would like to tease you because he enjoys seeing you get shy, his desire for food outweighs this and he’s sure you’re hungry too, so he takes your free hand in his to lead you out of the park.

“Where would you like eat?” he inquires. “My treat.”

Apparently you’ve been craving ramen, so he brings you to a nice ramen shop Bolin had mentioned stumbling upon randomly one day. It’s calm inside, the patrons talking in hushed voices. A few sit at the bar, drinks in hand and joking around with the chef. The two of you request a table so the host guides you past them, to a booth by the window. After you’ve looked over the menu and given your orders, Mako asks about what happened before the show.

It takes you a moment to figure out what he’s talking about, but once you do, you let out a small Oh! and you begin to explain. The other dancer you’d been with, Meilin, had a tear in her dress she didn’t notice until Xiaohui had pointed it out during rehearsal. You offered to help her patch it, but that involved a trip to a sewing store, still in your costumes, and that cut down on the time you actually had to do the stitching. Thankfully it had worked out just fine.

“Now I’m [Name] the dancer and, apparently, resident seamstress,” you state with a laugh.

Mako laughs too, and then as he settles down, remarks, “That was nice of you to do.”

You shrug like it’s no big deal and maybe to you it isn’t. Maybe there really is nothing for you to note in the way your love stretches and grows to reach anyone who needs it because for you, it’s just another day, and he feels so lucky to rest beneath the shade of something so magnificent.  

Bolin was right: the ramen here is good. Neither of you talks for a while after the waiter brings the food, your appetites whetted from the aromas wafting from the bowls. As Mako eats, he finds his attention drifting to the sight past the windows, to the trees across the street lit by the tall street lamps. Soon, upon the arrival of winter, those trees would be bare. But for now the wind is blowing, and there are still leaves left to float to the ground. His heart feels like one of them, those falling leaves, and he can only hope its gentle descent is to someplace warmer.

He’s distracted, and the lack of clanking silverware from his side of the table prompts you to glance at him, Your head tilts curiously. You okay? you ask quietly. This successfully pulls him from his thoughts, and he turns to you. The light hanging above the table reflects off the glitter sitting pretty on your cheeks and his heart isn’t falling, it already has fallen, right into your welcoming embrace, a perfect shelter from the autumn chill.

The blank look previously on his face is replaced by a smile. Yeah, I’m okay. And how could he not be when he’s with you?

[365daysofsasuhina]

[ 365 Days of SasuHina || Day Three Hundred Forty-Nine: He Walked Past ] [ Uchiha Sasuke, Hyūga Hinata ] [ SasuHina ] [ Verse: A Light Amongst Shadows ] [ AO3 Link ]

Every day, without fail, Uchiha Sasuke walks to the training grounds on the outskirts of Konoha to practice the shinobi arts. He’s done so since his release from the hospital, and even before the massacre, his habitual training was intense for one his age. But as the years have passed, and his graduation date grows ever nearer, his hours at the dusty, well-worn swathes of ground have been growing.

...but he’s not the only one.

Since the loss of her title, Hinata has also called the training fields home more often than not. Her clan, of course, has several of the nicest dojos in the village, thanks entirely to their rather hefty coffers. The Hyūga want for very little, and their pride means investing in having the grandest of any comparable object.

But there’s a few reasons why Hinata prefers the training grounds of the village itself. Mostly is the privacy. No risk of being walked in on, and no feeling of being constantly watched: hard to avoid within the Hyūga compound...especially given that judgemental gazes have only increased upon her over the years since her defeat by Hanabi.

Partially, however, it’s a feeling of being...unremarkable. She’s hardly actually here alone, after all - plenty of shinobi come and go through the multitudes of training spaces day by day. But here, she isn’t just the disgraced Hyūga ex-heiress. No...she’s just another Academy student here to practice her taijutsu, maybe some bukijutsu if she feels up to it. No one’s eyes linger on her, judging and sneering. Here, she’s unnoticed. Just how she wants it.

Sasuke, on the other hand...doesn’t have that respite. Instead, it’s here, among the rest of the village’s population, that he’s the most recognized.

The last of the Uchiha.

Even Hinata can’t help timid glances when he walks by, pausing in her routine to subtly follow him with her eyes. Unlike most of the girls in their class, she isn’t as charmed by his appearance or cold exterior. She’s never really understood why they seem to romanticise it. After all, she can still remember when they first met, when the Academy began that April several years ago. He’d been a bright, if not slightly shy boy eager to learn, and full of hope for a future as a shinobi like his brother and father.

...but now, his only drive is vengeance born of a loss so monumental, Hinata doesn’t even dare pretend to comprehend it.

...why the other girls suddenly found him so alluring once he’d suffered so much...she just can’t understand.

Of course, she has her own fallacies in logic: like trailing after a boy who wants nothing to do with her. But she can’t help but find Naruto’s resistance inspiring. While she only knows bits and pieces of why he’s so alone...she also knows that - in spite of it all - he keeps his head up. And with her own challenges to face, and her own insecurities to overcome...she can’t help but idolize him.

Him. Not his losses. It’s about his perseverance, his tenacity, his refusal to let what ails him drag him down into their depths...as she’s so often felt tempted to do.

But that’s not how the girls see Sasuke. They don’t offer sympathy, or empathy. They all want something from him. Attention, affection...neither of which he seems in any way wanting to give. Their shallow vying for his time grates on her...but she’s never had the courage to say anything. Sakura, Ino...they’re popular. Loud. Assured. If they were to turn on her...well, it wouldn’t be pretty. And Hinata already has the weight of her clan’s disappointment resting on her shoulders. She’s not sure she can bear much more.

All of this goes through her head as he goes by, her stance losing its rigidity and instead just...wilting loosely, somberly. It’s all so unfair, isn’t it…?

...but what can she do? What can any of them do? Children with burdens beyond their means tied to their ankles as they try to stay afloat. Those like Ino...those like Sakura...they don’t know that weight. And though Hinata finds herself frustrated with them...she could never wish that knowing upon them.

It would be cruel.

“Oi.”

Startled from her thoughts, Hinata actually staggers back half a step, heart leaping up her throat with a gasp. Wide, pearly eyes stare openly at her addresser.

It’s...Sasuke?

“S...Sasuke-kun…?”

“You have the Byakugan, right?”

“Um...y-yes…?” Why does her reply sound more like a question? He’s never really spoken to her directly before.

“I need your help.”

Blinking, she watches him turn around and start walking, not even giving her a chance to acquiesce. Not...that she has any reason not to, but he seems to just assume she’ll help.

After a brief pause...she follows.

He leads her to a training ground several over from her own. Like her typical spot, it’s partially nestled in the treeline, hidden from most angles (and other training nin). It’s a spot with several targets set into the trees for kunai and shuriken training. “I was trying a new technique that got out of hand. Several of my knives went off-course, and I’m having trouble finding them in the underbrush. Can you see them?”

There’s a moment to take in his words. They’re so...blunt and to the point. It reminds her of her father’s speech, wasting no time and inflected with little to no emotion. “...um...I-I should be able to…” Taking a steadying breath, she lets chakra build, rushing to the pathways leading to her eyes, which swell with energy as her dōjutsu activates.

Immediately, the world is shifted into an inverted black and white, images and energies outlined and layered. Without moving her eyes in her sockets, Hinata scans the area.

There’s...actually a lot of random gear out here. Kunai, shuriken, senbon...even a sai blade lost and abandoned in the overgrowth. Hinata can’t help but blink in surprise.

“...well?”

“Um...there’s q-quite a few. I...I’m not sure which are yours? There’s...weapons everywhere…”

That gets him to frown. “...really?”

“Yes, a-all sorts. Um...I guess I’ll just...s-show you the kunai…”

“Wait.”

She pauses.

“...we can pick it all up. Someone might get hurt.”

Shock holds her in place for a long moment. He...he wants to…? But it’ll take much longer than just finding what he’s lost.

Understanding then gets her to soften.

...maybe parts of him are still the same.

“...all right.”

With Hinata’s eyes and both of their hands, they scavenge up every piece of equipment in the area, ending up with a rather impressive pile. Some has been here so long, it’s all rusted over. The pair bend over their hoard curiously before glancing to each other.

“...w-what should we do with all of this…?”

Sasuke seems to mull it over. “...dunno.” He reaches in, taking up a few senbon, having already claimed the kunai he recognized. “Is there someone we can tell about all this? People might be looking for their gear...or at least someone might be able to use most of this if no one claims it.”

“T-that’s true. Um…” Reaching into her leg pouch, Hinata withdraws a scroll gifted by one of Neji’s teammates. “We could seal it in here, and t-take it to the administration building.”

“You know about seals?”

“Just...just a little bit.” Tenten hasn’t exactly given her private lessons, given the strained relationship between the cousins. “It’ll be easier than carrying it all by hand.”

After a short while sealing up all the blades, needles, and stars, Hinata stands awkwardly for a moment. Is she...supposed to take it by herself? Or is he going to invite himself along? There isn’t much left to do but turn it in, and...surely he wants to get back to training.

“I don’t know what department to take it to…”

“M-me neither. Is there...a lost and found?”

“No idea...guess we can ask.”

‘We’. Not ‘you’, implying she won’t be going alone. Well...all right then. Scroll in hand, Hinata just...makes her way back toward the village and into the administration building. An obliging chūnin listens to their story, and he points them to a desk for missing items.

“So, this is all unsorted weaponry?”

“Y-yes. We, um...we found it all in the training grounds. Some might not be...worth anything. But we didn’t want it to injure anyone unaware.”

The attendant tucks it away after giving the scroll a label. “Good thinking, you two. We try to do sweeps for lost or forgotten supplies, but things always get missed. Guess we might have to start relying on some Hyūga to help!”

At that, Hinata goes a bit pink, bowing sheepishly as they retreat, deed done.

“Thanks for the help.”

“Y...you’re welcome. I’m glad we found them, and...all that other stuff.”

“Least the lady seemed happy about it. And no students will fall and hurt themselves on a dropped blade.”

“That, um…” Hinata pauses, seeing him glance to her. “...that was a g-good idea.”

“Just trying to think ahead.”

...an awkward silence blooms.

“W...well, you probably want to get back to training, so…”

“Not heading back?”

“It, um...it’s getting a little late. I don’t want to get in trouble.” She avoids directly mentioning her father, conscious of how it might make Sasuke feel. “I can always go back tomorrow.”

“Mm…” He hums in response before adding, “...I’ll probably see you there.”

“Y...yeah.”

“Maybe one of these days we could spar.”

“...eh?”

“Never gone up against someone who can use Jūken,” he replies, a hint of a grin on his face. “Might be...interesting.”

At that, Hinata can’t help but go a little pink. “I...I’m not the b-best at it…”

“Then consider it practice. If you want.”

She hesitates...but then nods. “...a-all right.”

“Cool. See you then, Hyūga.”

“Y...you can call me Hinata!” she calls after him, earning nothing but a wave over his shoulder.

...well, that wasn’t how she expected today to go.

                                                     .oOo.

     I keep telling myself to make these a little shorter to make it a little easier...and yet I keep overshooting my word count goal xD      Anyway, some canon verse stuff! Genin era (or...right before it) cuz I love writing them as kiddos. This'd probably be in my team seven!Hinata AU. I just...I'm thirsty for Sasuke and Hinata interacting in canon. Like at all. YOU LEFT ME HANGING, KISHI.      ...*sighs*      Anywho, I gotta get to bed, so...that's all for now - thanks for reading!

[goodnightkisseu]

Lee Daehwi - Gift (Valentine’s Series 2/11)

Genre: Fluff

Series: [ Jihoon ] [ Daehwi ] [ Guanlin ] [ Minhyun ] [ Woojin ] [ Jinyoung ] [Sungwoon ] [ Jaehwan ] [ Jisung ] [ Seongwoo ] [ Daniel ]

Note: Yesterday was Jihoon’s Valentine’s Scenario, and today is Daehwi’s! Does anyone else remember those silly little Valentine’s cards you’d get as kids? With the cheesy little sayings and usually a cartoon character on them? Or is it just cuz I’m old that I remember those? XD Anyway, I hope that this is okay and not too rushed. I was really struggling with this one last night and I wasn’t sure if it turned out okay. I hope that everyone still likes it ^^ Please enjoy and look forward to tomorrow’s as well! :D

- goodnightkisseu’s admin <3

Footsteps shuffled quickly around the small home as you made sure that you had everything you needed for the day. You had your school books, your lunch, and also a bag full of little Valentine’s chocolates that you had put together for your classmates. It wasn’t required or anything, but you thought it would be nice to give everyone a little something today. After all, it could get a little lonely and sad if a person didn’t receive something, so why not try to brighten up their day a bit?

In addition to these little packets of candy, you also made one, super special, for your longtime friend, Daehwi. And his gift was packaged a little differently than everyone else’s. Whereas your classmates were getting little clear bags full of chocolates, Daehwi’s had a little more. His gift was wrapped in a red bag, tied off with a pretty ribbon. Inside were some chocolates as well as some homemade brownies that you had made with extra chocolate. In addition, there was also a silly little card. 

It was a lot like one of those little premade Valentine’s that you used to get as kids, sealed closed with a sticker and maybe with some candy attached to it. It had been a long running tradition between you and Daehwi to get each other one of these silly cards after you both, coincidentally, gave each other the same Pokemon Valentine’s card years ago. It had a picture of an Exeggcute on it and it read, ‘Hope your Valentine’s Day is EGGcellent.’ It was silly then, and it was silly now, but it was fun. Daehwi had given you some pretty quality ones over the year and you still had them all saved in a box at home.

This year you both decided to circle back to the Pokemon theme because it seemed appropriate. Thing was, they didn’t really make those silly cards anymore so you had to make your own this year. Tucked in his gift with all of the other little goodies was a folded and sealed card. On the inside of that card was a picture of a Happiny, the message reading, ‘You make me Happiny!’ Again, it was silly, but it was just right for the two of you.

But this year’s gift also had something extra included. Inside the bag was a letter, a letter that confessed to Daehwi how much you liked him. You honestly weren’t really a big fan of telling someone in letter form, but you had been unsuccessful in actually doing it in person. You couldn’t say when you started to feel this way for Daehwi, but it had happened. And every time you tried to tell him, when he would walk you home or when you were out getting dinner together, you just couldn’t.

You had asked for advice from some of your other friends, and all Guanlin told you to do was just tell him. When you said that wasn’t possible and after pestering you for half an hour as to why, he gave up and just told you to write Daehwi a letter. You didn’t get why he was so exasperated over your inability to tell Daehwi in person. It wasn’t like Guanlin was able to confess to the girl he liked either.

Still, you decided to give it a shot. The worse Daehwi could do was tell you that he wasn’t interested. And though that would kind of suck, it wasn’t the end of the world, as long as the two of you could still be friends. So you left the house that morning in hopes of something good, but you weren’t holding your breath for it. This was a drama, right?

That day you walked to school on your own, your usual companion left early for his club activities that morning. Since today’s gift was a special one, you decided to drop Daehwi’s gift off right when you go there. Usually you would wait to give him his gift when the two of you did your exchange after school, but today… it felt right to change things up. You knew that a majority of Daehwi’s classmates usually got in just before class started and that you could sneak in and out of the room without being noticed, so that was a bonus for you as well.

However, when you entered his classroom and approached his desk, you were a bit surprised to see it already covered in gifts. Nicely wrapped boxes with beautiful red bows and decorations. Cute stuffed animals and what looked like gourmet sweets. You knew that Daehwi was popular amongst the female population at your school. He was extremely sweet and kind, but this was… this was more than you had expected. All of a sudden your silly little card and homemade goods didn’t seem so special anymore.

Your name being called pulled you out of your thoughts as one of Daehwi’s classmates greeted you. “He got a lot this year, huh. Usually his desk isn’t overflowing like this. Are you here to drop off your present from Daehwi too?” he teased, catching a glimpse of the small pouch in your hands.

You quickly slid it back into your open bag, not having the heart to leave your present amongst all of Daehwi’s other gifts. “N-no, I actually came here looking for Daehwi. I thought he would be done with his club activities by now,” you lied.

“You’re a little early, but I’ll let him know you stopped by,” the male replied and you thanked him, handing him one of the little bags of candy that you had put together before swiftly exiting the room. You headed to your own class with a heavy heart, handing out the remainder of your gifts, trying to take your mind off of all the gifts that Daehwi got…

========

“Hey, were you thinking of leaving without me or something?” Daehwi asked when he finally caught up to you.

Usually you would wait for him at the gate so that the two of you could leave together, but today, you really just weren’t feeling it. The more you thought about how lame your gift looked compared to those other ones, the more disheartened you felt. Sure, homemade things had their charm, but they couldn’t compete with expensive chocolates and expensive presents. You felt a bit off, so you wanted to head home right after school. It did not seem like your friend was going to let you though.  “Sorry, was just kind of distracted I guess…” you replied cryptically, being met with a pout from your friend.

“I know what will make you feel better,” he said, grabbing your hand and pulling you down the street to your favorite ice cream shop. Daehwi knew you well enough to know that ice cream from this place, mostly when your mood was low, always seemed to help. “Let’s get some ice cream and then do our Valentine’s exchange!” he said happily, not giving you any time to disagree as he jumped in line and ordered for the both of you. He then proceeded to pay, not giving you any time to object to the free ice cream. “It’s on me today. You’ll get the next one.”

You rolled your eyes at him. He said that every time the two of you came to this ice cream shop and every time he paid. Like you were ever going to pay when he was this overeager for ice cream.

Once you both got your ice cream cones, you took a seat at one of the tables, your eyes catching a glimpse at the large bag that Daehwi had put down, full of all of those gifts from those girls. You started to feel that feeling again. That uncomfortable feeling in the depths of your stomach.

“I’ll go first! Here!” Daehwi said enthusiastically as he pulled out a small, red box that had a thin black ribbon wrapped around it. Daehwi watched eagerly as you opened it, revealing a small pouch of those heart-shaped candies, and some heart-shaped chocolates. Sitting on top of it all was a folded card, complete with a sticker seal. You slowly opened it, giggling when you saw a picture of a Treecko with the words, ‘I’ll never leaf you!’ at the top. “Daehwi, it’s cute,” you said, still giggling. He really did know how to make you feel better. You weren’t sure if this was intentional or not, but it managed to lift your sprits a bit.

“I know that you said that you were getting kind of tired of those candy hearts, so this year I decided to do less of those and more chocolates. You really liked these ones last time, right?” he asked, picking up one of the heart-shaped chocolates as you nodded. “So, where’s mine? I’m excited to see it.”

As soon as he asked, he could see your expression change. Every year you were always so excited to exchange Valentine’s, but he couldn’t help but notice that this year felt a little different. “Hey, is something wrong? Why do you look so sad all of a sudden,” he asked, his tone full of concern. It really wasn’t like you, and he was worried.

“It’s not that. It’s just… well you’ve gotten some really good gifts this year. Mine seems super lame in comparison…” you confessed, knowing that if you didn’t know say it that Daehwi would bug you about it until you told him. He had gotten really good at interrogating you for information over the years.

Daehwi looked up at you as he took a bite from his ice cream. “Oh…” he said slowly, looking down at the bag at his side. He did get a lot of gifts this year. Most years he was able to shove them all into his bag, but this year… not so much. He didn’t know that they bothered you so much though, and if he had he would have just brought them home another time. “I mean, these gifts are nice, and these girls put a lot of thought into them, I’m sure, but I know that you put even more thought into yours. You don’t have to give it to me, but I do look forward to yours every year…” he admitted sincerely.

“R-really?”

Daehwi nodded. “Yours always feels extra special because we have this tradition going on, you know? Plus you make a lot of it by hand and I really like that,” he said with a smile. “So if it’s okay, could I get my Valentine?”

You gave a small nod as you reached into your bag, pulling out the small parcel, cradling it in your hands as you presented it in front of Daehwi. “Thank you,” he said softly as he pulled at the ribbon to unveil a small bag of chocolates, a bag of brownies, and a card, which he was quick to open. A smile spread on his features as he read it. “Let me tell you something, just between us,” he said, his voice dropping to a whisper. “You also make me Happiny,” he said cheekily as he gave your cheek a poke. He watched as you laughed at his silliness, happy that he got you to laugh.

With a smile on his own features, Daehwi was about to go back to his ice cream when something else caught his eye. Underneath the chocolate was a letter. “What’s this?” he asked, pulling the letter out from under the bags. He was about to open it when you reached over and stopped him. “What’s wrong?” “Y-you shouldn’t read that…” you stuttered, completely forgetting in the fun that you having that you wrote him a letter confessing how you felt.

“Why not? It’s for me isn’t it? Why wouldn’t you want me to read a letter that’s for me? Unless…” he gasped. “Is this a letter to say you want to stop our tradition?!”

“No, Daehwi it’s not that it’s… it’s embarrassing what it is, so please don’t read it…”

“Okay…but then why don’t you just tell me what it is then. If it’s too embarrassing to read, you can tell me, right? We’re friends…” he reasoned.

You were at a loss of what to do. If he read it, he would get the sappy version of what you wanted to tell him. It was the reason you wanted to drop it off this morning instead of giving it to him when you were together. How could you know that some other girl hadn’t confessed to him yet, some girl that he might have liked? Yet not telling him wasn’t an option either. Daehwi was going to get suspicious. So what were you to do?

After a bit of silence, you gave a small nod. “I’ll tell you, but no making fun of me, okay?” He nodded eagerly, wanting to clear up this new tension that had formed between the two of you. “I like you…”

“I like you too.” he said.

“No, not like that. Daehwi, I really like you,” you said earnestly, thinking that your friend was just being nice to you.

“I know, and I really like you too, you silly girl,” he said with a chuckle, waiting for you to realize exactly what he was saying. He had realized how he felt about you for a few months now, but he didn’t want to jump too far forward. He wanted you to realize it too, and he wanted to make sure that the situation wasn’t one of those awkward confessions.

“Y-you do?” you asked, a bit surprised.

He nodded, reaching for your hand. “I wanted to wait for you to say something because I didn’t want to burden you with my own confession. I figured that once you did, I would just tell you as well. Just so that we both know, instead of playing that cat and mouse game. I do like you a lot. I’m not lying or just saying those words…”

“It took us a little bit, huh…” you said sheepishly.

“Yeah, but now we know. And now I’m going to read your letter!” he said happily.

“Yah, Lee Daehwi, you promised me you wouldn’t read it!” you said with a pout.

“I promised my friend that I wouldn’t read it. I didn’t promise my new girlfriend that I wouldn’t read it. I want to see all of the nice things she wrote about me~” he said in a sing song tone as he picked up the letter with a giant grin on his features.

You made a move to grab it back from him, but he was too fast for you, already on his feet and running out of the ice cream shop, with you not far behind your boyfriend…

[canaryatlaw]

Okay, well today was exhausting and difficult but overall still good, somehow. Normal stuff, up at 8:45 for court, I was kind of miffed because I just had a short status date with only me and the judge and normally when I tell the coordinators that they’ll stick me at or towards the front of the line, but that didn’t happen today so I didn’t end up finishing until like 10, which wouldn’t have been too big of an issue except oh it’s Tuesday, which means it’s my clinic day. Joy. So I spent a while assigning cases and trying to get a handle on everything. This was of course the worst day, because I had two more court cases all in front of the same judge, at 11 and 3, so yeah, it’s a lot. I did know this in advance and considered asking to switch clinic days with my work day, but he was on the rotation this week to do Monday and then he’d have to do two days in a row, and I didn’t want him to feel like he needed to say yes because I was asking and stick him with two days in a row (which yes, I do with some frequency because we rotate mondays and I’m always up on tuesdays, but I’ve gotten used to it at this point, so it’s different). But I made it to the 11 am court date which of course involved more waiting. It was a case with one of our Spanish speaking clients, and generally when counsel and clients are waiting to go into the courtroom they’ll put them in the same breakout room, which just ends up being super awkward when I speak very little Spanish (basically what I can remember from four years of studying it in high school) so we just kind of wait there in awkward silence until we’re let in, so that’s always fun. Once we got into the courtroom it was clear there was a breakdown in communication, because someone covered my last court date for this case and the notes got lost somewhere along the way, so I’m expecting the other lawyer to have discovery requests but find out he doesn’t even have the paperwork....(which I mean he definitely could’ve asked the clerk for a copy of, but whatever) so I was like yeah I’ll send that to you and then hopefully we can figure things out there, so a fairly pointless court date, but oh well. I had a little bit of a break when I mostly worked on clinic stuff until I logged on for my motion hearing, which I was both excited and nervous about. Given everything and with them suspending hearings for so long, it’s been quite a while since I’ve actually had a contested argument, so I was looking forward to that, and of course ready to go for the jugular knowing what this asswipe has been doing to my client (who is so incredibly sweet), so I was plenty pumped up. Beginning was fine, started asking questions and was able to get the screenshots into evidence so that was a big relief. Once we finished the judge asked the dude if he wanted to cross examine the client, to which he said know which is good because I would’ve just objected every time I could (which is basically always when people don’t know the rules of evidence) until he got frustrated and gave up (it’s very effective). But he just comes with some bullshit evidence about how we can’t prove it was him and that he was getting stalked too so clearly it was this mysterious third party who knew all of their personal information that was targeting both of them....yeah that was a new one. The judge let me have a rebuttal afterwards and while I’m shredding his argument he tried to interrupt me and start talking and I was just like “I’m speaking now, don’t interrupt me” followed by the judge saying the same thing which made me happy a bit haha just getting to shut him down like that, and it happened another time too cuz this guy was just off his rocker. The judge took so long making her findings and I was nervous she was going to be like oh you should’ve sent out subpoenas to prove where they came from (social media subpoenas generally take at least 6 weeks to process), but thankfully she found my client’s testimony to be credible and extended the order for another two years, which is a big win. We did have two motions pending, the second being

called a petition for rule to show cause, and now that we’ve proved our side of things it’s now the dude’s burden to prove why he shouldn’t be held in contempt of court, so that will be fun, especially being that once the judge was clearly ruling for us the fucking guy left the zoom call like a fucking child and I had to hold back a laugh at just how ridiculous it all was. I have a follow up court date in the morning to get the new order entered and set the next court date, and we’ll see where we go from there. But yeah, I was really happy about this because it was a really big victory and I mean this poor girl’s life has been turned upside down by this asswipe and I want him to get all the potential consequences available, and we’re heading in the right direction at least. While I was in the hearing my boss who had been at the office today offered to drop off the Christmas presents two clients had sent me, which was very convenient because I was going to ask my work buddy when he’s in the office tomorrow if he could drop them off since we don’t live that far from each other, but this was just easier. So once the hearing ended and I debriefed with my client I went downstairs to pick those up, along with some office supplies she dropped off which were very helpful. There’s one big box and then two smaller presents (that were from the same people). I opened the big box first and when I was pulling it out I saw it said Steve Madden on the box and I was like whaaaaaaaaaatt??? So I pull it the rest of the way out and open it to find this super cute Steve Madden bag that definitely was expensive, so I was kind of surprised about that. The second presents, the first little box I open has a little charm in it with a card saying in memory of their son/brother whose death precipitated the events that the order came out of, and I just felt really touched that they’d think of me like that and share something so personal, it definitely meant a lot. The last one from the same people, I open to find 2 $100 gift cards, one of them for visa and the other American Express, one of them being target themed but you could spend it anywhere. So I was kind of blown away by all of these presents and just that they’d think of me like that. Both of the cases had required a good amount of night and weekend (and sometimes on vacation) work, so I definitely put a lot of effort into them, but like I said in the thank you emails I sent out, knowing I’m able to help someone out of a bad situation is absolutely the best part of my job, and that will always make me happy to help in whatever way I can. So that was a lot, but yeah. I had a good amount of work to finish and ended up working until about 7:30, after which I turned on Chicago Med. the laptop situation did not resolve overnight (as I expected) and I tried to restore it from a backup on an external hard drive but that failed so I tried the migration assistant thing again and apparently the issue was there was too much content on my old computer than space on my new one, so I went through a bunch of stuff and just deleted it until it would work, and I did get it to start working so I was very glad about that. Hopefully it’ll be done in the morning and we can go from there. Once I got that figured out I showered and started to get ready for bed, and now it’s like 1:45 am and I very much need to go to sleep, so I’ll be doing that now. Goodnight my friends. Sweet dreams.

[aghostpost]

Heatwave Pt.1 (Frank Castle x Reader)

A/N: Long time no post! This is going to be a two parter simply because I felt ridiculous trying to cram all of this in one piece! I’ve definitely written long inserts before but it’s been a while so now apparently I get nervous the moment I hit 3500 ;-  ; I’ll get back to myself soon. Also if you’ve sent a request they have been seen! I have started all of them, it’s the finishing part that’s... tricky. ♥

Warning(s): Some language, abortion mention but nothing gruesome or too heartbreaking

Word Count: 3525

It didn’t make sense for it to be this hot out, and on top of it my air conditioner was busted for the millionth time this week. I’d savor the cool train ride for as long as I could. I looked at the head of the tiny person beside me as he played with his action figures.

“You’re gonna be good for Mimi and grandpa, right?” I asked him, rubbing a hand across his freshly cut head. It was too hot for the thick mess he had before. He nodded fervently, too distracted with his toys to even give a shred of thought to my question. I smiled and kissed his head sweetly and enjoyed the remainder of the air conditioned train ride to my parents’ house.

After a quick visit with them I made it back to my sweltering hellhole of an apartment, running to stand in front of my freezer and cool off. I enjoyed it though brief it was since some knocks came to my door only minutes later. “Yeah, I’m coming,” I called to the unexpected visitor. I opened the door and Jay was on the opposite side. My face twisted in confusion. “Hey, what’s up?”

“Hey.” He held up the small stuffed alien that I was surprised managed to somehow leave our kid’s side. “Rolled under the bed.”

“Thank you,” I said, taking it from him and stepping aside to invite him in. “He’s visiting my parents.”

“Jesus, Y/N, you got the heat on or somethin’?”

“Piece of shit AC is broken; it works when it wants. That’s why I didn’t want Landon here until later tonight once it cools off a bit.” I made my way back to the kitchen, pulling a beer from the freezer and tossing it to him before grabbing my own. “You didn’t have to come all the way here to bring that.”

“You kiddin’ me? You know what happens the moment he realizes it’s missin’...” I chuckled and shook my head, rubbing the ice cold can on the back of my neck. He smiled, cracking his beer open for a sip. “You want me to take a look at that thing or what?” he asked, nodding his head towards the AC.

“I got a guy coming tomorrow morning. Can’t count on the maintenance here for jack shit.”

“I mean, you know I could just help you get another one-”

“-Like I said, it’ll be fixed tomorrow.” I turned the fan in the window onto its highest speed before falling onto the couch and opening my beer.

He sighed, reclining at the far end of the couch. “When are you gonna stop being mad at me, Y/N?”

“I don’t wanna talk about this-”

“-We’re gonna have to-”

“-It’s too fucking hot to argue with you about this right now-”

“-Then don’t make it an argument.”

I shrugged and shook my head. “... You’re a drug dealer, Jason.”

He nodded slowly before setting his beer on the coffee table and reaching into his pocket and pulling out a wad of cash. “I take care of my son however I need to.” He rested the money on the coffee table. “That’s food, help with rent, and a new air conditioner if you want. Now if I were doin’ something a bit more… legal, I wouldn’t even be able to give you half of that-”

“-Damn it, Jay!” I shot out of my seat and walked away from him and paced the kitchen floor. “It’s not about the money!” I shouted. “I won’t be getting that, half, or anything at all if you’re in jail! Or even worse, somewhere outlined in chalk in the middle of the street!”

“You can’t think like that-”

“-The hell I can! We have a son together, who I’d have to take care of by myself! I’d have to explain that his dad won’t be around anymore; no money is gonna fix that!” I took a sip of beer as a distraction and closed my eyes, focusing on the hum of the freezer to calm myself down. “What do you want from me?”

He got up and came over to me, his face full of sincerity and a calm that I missed about him. He always looked so at peace, and looking at him was like taking a deep breath. “Keep doing what you’re doing. Take care of Landon, and take care of yourself. I’ll handle the rest.” He shook his head. “You can’t worry about me, I won’t allow it.” He gave me half a smile and pulled my hair from my shoulders, the sticky and sweaty mess it was. “You were the best thing that happened to me.”

“Landon’s supposed to be the best thing that happened to you.”

“Well you’re half of that equation. Can’t have him without you, now can I?” He kissed my forehead which struck a very familiar chord in me that was difficult to ignore.

I sighed. “How’s Vanessa?” Maybe reminding him of his current romantic interest would snap us back to reality.

“Also mad at me but for very different reasons.”

“You’ve always been good at pissing people off.” I rested my hands on his chest, smoothing out some wrinkles I noticed in his t-shirt. “Does Landon like her?”

“Yeah, I think so. They like playing board games with each other. I think she likes him more than she likes me sometimes.”

“Is she living with you yet?”

“No, but she spends enough time at my place.” I sighed and he shook his head with a tilt of the corner of his mouth and lifted my chin, staring at my lips as he spoke. “Since he’s at your parents’ today you can keep him tomorrow. I’ll pick him up after school on Monday for the week.”

I nodded. “Thank you.”

“Remember what I said: take care of our son. Take care of yourself.”

“And just ignore you, right?”

“Exactly.”

I rolled my eyes and turned away from him and back to the freezer. I couldn’t even go a minute away from it so it seemed, let alone this long. I cracked the ice tray in my hand and rubbed two cubes along the back of my neck. “... You remember why we ever got together?”

“Because I annoyed you into givin’ me a shot?”

“And you remember being the one convincing me to keep the baby when I didn’t think I wanted to? We had a slip and got pregnant after we broke up and I didn’t want you or me to think a baby would repair us, but you were persuasive. And I couldn’t ignore you any time we got back together just to break right back up. I couldn’t ignore you any of those times and I can’t ignore you now, Jason.”

“You seem to remember things a little milder than me. I don’t think you got that scar on your arm ‘cuz I was so charming...”

“You forget I knew you for eight years before this scar. You don’t have a mean, hurtful bone in your body.” When I initially broke the news about being pregnant to Jay he was shocked, but in general okay with having a child. When I told him my feelings about using a baby to mend our screwed up relationship and that I was leaning towards termination, of course he got upset and shoved me. I fell back onto a hot pan on the stove which burned my arm. That was the one single act of mistreatment I ever received from Jason, which I knew came from a place of hurt and confusion, so I never held it against him. Like I said, he’d been good to me the eight years prior, and the five years after I had no complaints. Most importantly, I couldn’t have asked for a better father for my son.

Well, maybe one that wasn’t a drug dealer. Apart from that, Jay’s a blessing.

“Ah man. I should get going,” he stated as he walked up behind me, pulling down the tank top that clung to my sticky skin. “I could never resist you when you were nice to me,” he joked.

“When am I not nice to you?” I faced him, not expecting him to be directly behind me. There was a knock at the door but neither of us moved. We stood front to front, grins plastered on our faces as we stared each other down. “Bye, Jay,” I spoke with a tone of warning. Somehow trouble always had a habit of finding its way to us, and the chemistry between us was still at a high. No matter how hard we both tried there was still something between us. Even now he had a girlfriend and I was in the beginning stages of seeing someone myself, but I still couldn’t deny that there was something between us. Again, another rap on the door. “Tell Vanessa I said hi.”

He chuckled to himself. “Have the kid call me before he goes to bed tonight.”

“‘Kay; let me walk you o-”

“-Hold on hold on, can I finish my beer first?” He left the kitchen and went to grab the sweating can from the living room table. I closed the door of my freezer, empty save for some ice trays and a few bags of frozen vegetables, and went to see who was at the door.

It was Frank. I haven’t told Jay about Frank because I wasn’t quite sure what there was to tell. I met him at a pub in the city one night. He walked me home and we got to talking and met up a few more times at the same spot. I couldn’t tell him we were dating because we weren’t. I don’t even know if I could say we were friends. I mean, he’s helped me fix up a few things around the apartment but mostly we just fuck. He’s never met Landon, only seen the pictures of him around the place. I knew better than to introduce a man to my son if I wasn’t sure how long they’d be in the picture.

“Frank. Hi.”

He looked over my shoulder as he spoke. “Hi. Am I interrupting something?”

“N-no, come in,” I invited, stepping aside to make room for his massive form. He paused, his eyes going back and forth between Jay and myself before slowly stepping inside. As if it wasn’t hot enough the pressure now building in the room between these two was making me break out into a nervous sweat. “You want a beer?” I offered, but he said nothing. I noticed instead of staring at Jason he was now eyeing the stack of cash on the coffee table, his face cold as stone as he looked back at me. I cleared my throat. “Um- Frank, this is Jason. Jason, Frank.”

Jason extended his hand; he was always good at looking an awkward situation dead in the face. “How ya doin’, Frank?”

He took his hand in his firmly with a face full of skepticism. “You’re, uh… Jason the ex, right?”

Jay’s brows raised as he looked at me. “I guess so. And you’re Frank the…?”

I thought now the best time to intercept since I could see this heading in a sour direction. “You sure you don’t want anything to drink? I know it’s hotter in here than it is outside.”

“No, I can handle the heat. I came here for my jacket, think I left it the other night.” He made sure to project those last few words and my heart shit itself. He visited after Landon had went to bed and was out just as quickly as he came, but Jay and I hadn’t had the talk about me having men over. Surely he’d want to have one after that comment.

“The other night? So you’ve met our son then?”

“Jay-”

“-I haven’t. I’m leaving that moment up to Y/N if she ever thinks the time is right.”

He nodded agreeably. “Hm, respectful of you. Much more respectful than sneaking in and out of here while he sleeps at night to be with Y/N, but-”

“-Umm, come with me, let’s find your jacket. Jason, we aren’t having this conversation right now.”

“I don’t think you wanna get to talkin’ about respect,” Frank said, a grin sneaking onto his face. His tone suggested trouble so I began pulling him back towards the bedroom to yes, get his jacket but more importantly, to put distance between these two.

“Frank, I’m gonna tell you the same thing I told him: it’s too hot to argue, alright? Now c’mon, please-”

“-What, I don’t respect Y/N? You know somethin’ I don’t, Frank?”

“Jason, that’s enough!”

“What’d you tell him, Y/N?”

“She didn’t tell me nothin’, I just know that you put your hands on her. I know that. S’at how you show respect to the mother of your child?”

It was so quiet you could hear the heat radiating from every body in the room. Never in a million years did I think I’d be standing here in this moment, where innocent pillow talk is thrown in my face and the face of my ex. I couldn’t look at either of them. Looking at Frank would infuriate me, and I knew if I looked at Jason I’d see shock and hurt on his face. It didn’t matter. That one comment was enough to end whatever pissing match these two were having and send Jay heading to the door. Of course I followed him.

“He asked where the scar came from and I told him- I was just being honest, okay? I wasn’t sitting around bashing you or anything, I would never do that-”

“-I’ll see you tomorrow, Y/N.”

“Wait- But you said I could keep him until Monday-”

“-That was before I knew this asshole was creeping around like a thief in the night!”

“You have Vanessa over!”

“Oh stop it, don’t try to make this the same thing- I’ve been dating Vanessa for almost a year; you tellin’ me you datin’ this guy?”

“No, but-”

“-Then I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Jay, that’s not fair, you can’t punish me for this… Jason!” My apartment door slammed shut and there was no more to be said or done. Honestly, it was too hot for all of this! I stormed to my bedroom and looked in my closet for Frank’s jacket before going back to the living room and shoving the cause of this visit to his chest. “Get out.”

“You mad at me?”

“How dare you talk to him that way?”

“How dare I?”

“He’s the father of my kid! He’s a good person, he didn’t deserve that!”

“A good person puts their hands on you-”

“-I told him I was having an abortion!” I didn’t tell Frank that chunk of information when I gave him the backstory to my scar, so I wasn’t surprised when his face froze. “Believe it or not, not everyone reacts well to that sorta news, hearing someone wants to get rid of their baby. He reacted and a hot stove just so happened to be behind me. He didn’t beat me up and down the walls, didn’t verbally berate me and make my life hell on a daily basis. I hurt his feelings and I got pushed. One incident. End of story.”

“An’ what, you think that makes it okay?”

“I think if I don’t have a problem with it no one else should, especially you. You don’t even know me!”

“I know that’s a lotta money over there on that table…”

“And?”

“Drug money?”

“I don’t see how that is any of your business-”

“-So you’re interests still lie in some thug ex of yours-”

“-Thug? You think I’m blind, Frank? Every time I see you your knuckles are stained purple. Every time we have sex you think I don’t see new cuts and bruises the moment you lift your shirt up? You may not be a drug dealer but I don’t see you working some corporate career either, so don’t you go pointing fingers at anyone!”

“It’s sweet, how defensive you are of him,” he said with a smug grin.

“And I didn’t peg you for the jealous type.”

“Jealous? Excuse me if scumbag drug dealers that wrongfully touch a woman put me in a shit mood.”

“Which is fine, because you can take your mood and leave my apartment. I don’t want you here.”

“You don’t want me here?”

“You hard of hearing alla sudden, Frank?”

“No I hear you loud and clear I just don’t think you mean it.”

I scoffed, shaking my head. “It’s funny; this is probably the most you’ve spoken to me in one sitting. All this talk of things you know absolutely nothing about-”

“-I don’t need to know every detail, I know more than enough-”

“-You don’t know anything!”

“I know he’s a drug dealer. I know you’re taking his money, probably because you two have a kid together-”

“-Don’t bring my son into this-”

“-History, whatever it is! You think it’s safe for him having a criminal like that in his-”

His words were cut off when my hand collided with his face. Landon. My son. My only trigger and he pulled it one time too many during this visit. “Do not bring up my son again.” His face registered nothing, no flex of his jaw, no furrow of his brow. He nodded once curtly. “You have your coat, and you’ve thoroughly pissed me off and left a great mess for me to clean. Leave.”

“... At least let me fix your AC since I’m already here; won’t have to see my face tomorrow.”

I left him to do whatever he wanted. At that point I felt like I was going to pass out from heat, both internal and external, so my immediate solution was to get away from a great source of what, or who, was burning me up. A cool shower sounded great.

I peeled off the jean shorts that were now clinging to me and my tank top and climbed in the shower, letting what would normally send me running to the far end of the tub but was now a blessing wash over me and cool me down. Quickly each strand of hair stuck to my head and shoulders until I bent forward, letting them cascade around me as I closed my eyes. I had to apologize to Jason. He had a thick skin and a carefree nature, so most likely he had already blown off the situation. But it didn’t sit well with me, him possibly thinking I was speaking ill of him behind his back and especially to a stranger. I also didn’t want him thinking I let Frank in the same space with Landon often. It was true, they never crossed paths and I told Frank they wouldn’t until I felt comfortable. I didn’t even think it necessary, him only coming over for a fuck and the occasional leftovers from dinner.

I deeply inhaled the smell of my coconut bodywash filling the room when there was a knock on the door, one I had no intention of answering. It ended up not mattering since he opened the door and let himself in anyway, but didn’t say a word. I sighed, my moment of relaxation ruined. I pulled back the sliding door of the shower and poked my head out, staring at him silently.

“I got it runnin’ out there; it should cool off in about an hour or somethin’.” 

I said nothing, only ducked back into the shower and waited for him to leave, only he didn’t. I still felt his presence as I rinsed conditioner from my hair, as I scrubbed my face clean of the day’s sweat. “I’m sorry, Y/N.”  Another sigh. It was weird, us being in this predicament. This was someone I hadn’t known for more than three months tops and here he was, arguing with my ex and apologizing to me while I showered. I don’t even know the guy’s birthday and he’s defending me to someone I’ve known since high school, someone I have a child with. It was incredibly backwards and even more frustrating. I opened the door a crack and peeked out again. His face was still cold, but softer than usual. He was apologetic. “Come here,” I said simply. He obliged without hesitation, walking over to stand directly in front of me. I looked him up and down. He had his retrieved jacket on and surprisingly hadn’t looked like he broke a sweat all day; guess he could handle the heat after all. Let’s see how well he fared in some cold. “Get in.” Again, action with a moment’s pause. He kicked off his boots as he took his jacket off, not taking his eyes from mine the entire time he disrobed. Just like I mentioned before, cuts and scars were revealed once his shirt hit the bathroom tile.

Looking at him I felt my aggression dissipate.

Fuck.

[unwiltingblossom]

A Dance of Flame and Shadow (1/?)

Summary: There are times when one does not so much meddle with time, as time meddles with them. They were never meant to meet. They always would. Cause and effect can be difficult to determine, but the shadow has always been moved by the light, not the other way around. Time travel, a stable time loop or two, and many casualties lie ahead. DanzoSaku. You read that right, you’re not on crack. (Probably?) This isn’t a new story, I just noticed it slipped through the cracks ages ago and it seems weird not to have it here since it’s based off of this Sakura’s RP. ‘Based off’ is the key word, because it’s ‘adapted’ from it like a ‘true story’ is adapted from true events. Not that it matters cuz lul who is even around to remember this or care if they don’t remember.

Prologue

'Ghost-Girl!'

She was weak. She was a weak, cowardly girl, so she ran away.

The laughter behind her somehow managed to be full of both happiness and malice, and she hated it. Tears ran down her face, and she ran. Somewhere, somewhere in the direction she ran, she'd find home. Home would be safe. At home they'd leave her alone, they'd all stop chasing her and laughing at her. Home wasn't cruel. At home, her parents would wipe off her face and tell her nice things.

"Ghost-girl~!" The voice of the one who started making fun of her first called over the wind. "Where oh-where are you haunting now?!"

She tried to stay out of their way. She didn't want to be noticed. Nothing about her was worth being noticed over, but those girls...they always did. Her big forehead made it impossible to hide anywhere, they'd said. So, she'd started to cover her face and hide behind her hair. But...it was too pink, too obviously different and they found her anyway.

They'd started chasing her off when they found her now, calling her a ghost, insisting that they needed to rid the village of her before she stole away their souls.

She only wanted to be left alone.

Ahead of her, a rustle of robes caught her attention. She didn't recognize the person, but he was an adult. The sounds of the girls behind her were close now, so she ducked immediately behind him, clinging to his leg and crying in desperation.

For a few moments the figure simply stopped, silent. When the girls approached, though, he spoke in a gruff and commanding voice.

It wasn't at her.

With some reluctance, the girls turned and scattered away.

He said something to her after that. She thought it might have been chastisement, but she was too busy sniffling and rubbing at her face to hear what it was. Before he left, slim fingers tapped lightly on the top of her head.

)+(

Her first trip outside of the village wasn't to go anywhere else. Students were separated into small teams and then sent off into the forests outside Konoha. They were meant to be out for the afternoon, gather mushrooms, and then come back to their instructors.

It rained that day. She liked the group of students around her, none of them were the mean ones who made fun of her, and they were all just as excited as she was to go on their very first 'mission' outside the village. With all the rain, finding mushrooms would be easy, their instructors said, and they only had small bags to fill.

They weren't supposed to split up, but they'd only filled half of their bags and they didn't have very much time left, so all of them went different directions and promised to come back to the same spot.

It didn't take long for her to become lost. Even though her bag was mostly full, she couldn't remember which direction she'd come from, and everywhere she looked seemed familiar. When she picked a direction and started to sprint that way, the mud underneath her gave way and she slid violently down a cliffside.

Everything hurt.

Her back hurt. Her legs hurt. Her ankle looked bigger than it should have been, and when she reached out to touch it, pain shot through her leg.

Like this, she couldn't move.

Like this, no one would find her.

Like this, she'd never get home at all.

She scrubbed muddy hands into her face and wept.

"Fool."

She froze. The voice sounded nearly her age, but it wasn't familiar at all. Could it have been...an enemy...?

Hesitantly, frightened, she slowly lowered one hand to peek out in the direction of the voice. A boy only a little older than her scowled down at her. His shoulder and his chin and neck were all bandaged, but he didn't seem bothered by the injuries. Instead, he just glared down at her.

"You won't fix anything crying, stupid fool."

Her lip trembled looking up at him. "B...but...but I don't know how to get home..."

His expression turned to something like disgust, and he jerked his thumb over his shoulder. "Home is that way. If you can't find your way back on your own, you shouldn't leave at all."

He walked on by her then, and no matter how much she called out to him, complaining that she hurt, that her ankle wouldn't work, he didn't answer.

She stumbled and limped in the direction he pointed, and after only a little while longer one of her teachers appeared, flustered, worried, and more than a little irritated that the students hadn't followed orders.

)+(

"Please...! Please just bring him back to me!"

She felt sick.

Her stomach knotted up, and she actually felt sick.

She'd felt plenty helpless, she'd felt hopeless and sad and frustrated before. She knew her life wasn't as hard as her teammates' lives had been. It wasn't hard at all, really. But she'd still felt sad, she'd felt all of the things she felt now.

She'd never felt them so keenly before.

She'd never felt so completely alone. She'd failed to stop Sasuke going, even when she knew he would. He never listened to her before, so of course he didn't this time, either. All of the hope she felt when he whispered those last words to her shattered into horrified despair when the team that went out - her friends who promised to bring him back to her after all - came back to Konoha in critical condition, all of them nearly killed trying and failing to bring him back.

She hadn't done anything. She couldn't do anything, everyone nearly died, and Sasuke was still gone.

Before she knew it, Naruto left too.

She felt alone, and now she was alone, and it was all because she couldn't do anything. She'd promised Naruto and herself that it would change. She promised she would do something next time. It didn't make him stay put, though. He still left, and she was still here.

They were gone, and life still continued, and somehow that life was one without them.

The Hokage accepted her as an apprentice, promised to teach her all the Sannin knew so that, in three years time when they would seek out Sasuke again, she'd be able to do something that time. The Hokage trained her so mercilessly, so brutally that often all she could do between sessions was sleep and struggle to eat to regain her energy.

On the days when she didn't, Konoha still had missions, and Sakura was still a genin of the leaf.

The team she worked with today were all out gathering food while she tended the fire and protected the camp.

So, of course, that would be exactly the time a small child (so young he might not have even been Academy age yet) stumbled into the camp. His dark eyes were wild with confusion and paranoia as he looked around the area, and then he settled his gaze on her.

"Hey!" He shouted, making her jump. "Where did you take me?! What did you do?"

"Wha-?" She shook her head. "What are you talking about? Who are you?" She stood, reaching for the kunai at her waist. It was weird, but maybe this was some kind of attack - appearing like a harmless kid and expecting her to be off guard. "How did you get here?!"

He took a step back, and settled into an admirable defensive position, pulling up a kunai of his own. "Don't pretend you don't know, Traitor! I was somewhere else, and you kidnapped me!"

"Kidnap-Traitor?!" She shook her head, confusion beginning to melt into frustration. For being such a tiny kid, he had a loud mouth. And he was rude. Why the hell would she be a traitor? "What are you talking about? I've never even seen you before!"

"Seen who?" One of her teammates sprinted up to camp from the treeline, drawing her attention briefly away from the child in front of her.

"The-" She cut off abruptly in frustration when she turned back to where he had been. "Damn it! He ran away!"

Whoever it was must have been some kind of a scout. If they didn't catch him now, they'd have to move the whole camp and set up somewhere else entirely.

And she'd just gotten the fire at the level she wanted it.

)+(

She flipped through the papers clipped into the metal board she carried. For the most part, all hokage duties were handled by either the Hokage herself, or Shizune her oft-beleaguered assistant. Every once in a while, a flood of paperwork required so much attention that it was just simpler to borrow an extra pair of hands.

It wasn't like she handled anything sensitive. Honestly, any jounin in the vicinity of the Lady Hokage could have done anything handed to her. Most of the jounin knew better than to linger in the woman's vicinity. She didn't mind, though. Helping with little things really was the absolute least she could do in return for all the instruction and help that the Lady Hokage granted her. Besides that, she wanted to help. She wanted to be useful.

Naruto and Sasuke had both been gone for nearly two years now, and the crushing sense of helplessness she felt whenever she thought of them hadn't alleviated at all. By the time Naruto came back, by the time they'd go and bring Sasuke back tomorrow, she promised herself she wouldn't feel it at all anymore. She'd make sure she was someone who wouldn't need to.

If reading and memorizing a few long reports from various jounin from time to time happened to be a part of that, she didn't mind.

She'd walked the path often enough that she didn't worry about looking up from the papers, so long as she walked at a reasonable pace. The people of Konoha generally had enough manners to get out of the way of someone walking, and it wasn't as if she wouldn't sense someone near her long before she actually bumped into anyone.

...She assumed, anyway.

A hand touched her shoulder, and thin lips pressed to her cheek just above her jaw. She didn't know when the person got close enough, she didn't immediately recognize them, either.

He showed incredible nimbleness to dodge the right hook she responded with.

"What the hell are you doing?!"

The man...actually, he looked about her age. She didn't recognize him at all, but part of the reason behind her lack of recognition could have been the lingering blind rage she still felt. He actually had the audacity to look annoyed. He snuck up on a kunoichi (somehow!) and stole a kiss! And he looked annoyed!

"What you asked." His tone was entirely too calm for narrowly avoiding a fist that would surely have sent him through a house or three. It was as flat as if she'd just asked him why they were hidden in the leaves.

Which made the least sense of anything that just happened.

"I did not! I don't even know who you are."

His lips twitched in irritation, as if he only just managed to suppress the urge to roll his eyes or say something derogatory.

Maybe she ought to make another attempt at avenging her cheek.

"And yet you asked me for a kiss all the same."

Why did he look so irritated? He was the one being unreasonable!

"First. No. I didn't." She pointed at him, settling for now on asking him questions before clobbering him again, just in case he forgot any answers between now and the end of his hospital stay. "Second, why would you even want to kiss someone you don't know, even if I had?"

His lips twitched, and he squinted at her a moment. Afterward, his expression smoothed to neutrality again and he shook his head. "Curiosity. It's not a request I often receive from strangers."

"Well you wouldn't." Yet, he seemed...perfectly serious. Annoyed, but serious. Not at all like the kind of lecherous pervert she'd expect from someone who randomly walked up and kissed strange women on the street. She found it disconcerting.

Come to think of it, actually, he didn't look familiar at all. He moved like a shinobi (no civilian, no matter how prepared, would have been able to dodge her attack so easily), and he wore a headband from Konoha, but he didn't even look like someone she'd seen in passing before. His dark hair spiked out in even wilder ways than Naruto's ever had, lines already started to form on his face that suggested he scowled far too often, and he had a distinctive set of scars she'd never seen before on his chin. He didn't look familiar at all.

Which was weird, because she lurked over the Hokage's shoulder often enough when the Lady Hokage gave out missions that she'd been certain she'd seen every face in Konoha at least once. Every face not hidden by an ANBU mask.

He watched her as if he were expecting something, and for a moment she worried that she'd missed a question.

No, he'd definitely just been looking at her, as if he were waiting for her to do something else. Maybe he was properly wary. Or maybe he was waiting for her to realize he wasn't a shinobi of Konoha after all. "...I've never seen you before."

His brows knit a moment. "So you've said."

Well...not in so many words. She squinted at him. "I've seen most of the people in this village."

"As have I."

He said it as if she weren't the Hokage's student and not the one under suspicion! It was like everything he said he specifically designed to make her angry ahead of time.

"Well then? Why are you stalling? Who are you?"

"You hadn't asked me before now." He frowned at her, expression a bit like she'd expect a teacher's to be if she failed to pay attention in class before a test. She couldn't actually decide whether to be flustered or angry about it, honestly. "My name is Danzo. And yours?"

She blinked at him in silence for a moment or two.

But-that was...

Wait.

She'd never personally met him, come to think of it, but she'd definitely heard descriptions which the man in front of her did not fit. There weren't two shinobi of the same village named the same thing, neither of whom she'd met, were there?

"You...what?"

[mindmmxvii]

Day two: Tofu

Actually, I lied. I didn’t have tofu today. I would like some now though so I thought it was an appropriate title. Let’s start off with a quick recap of my day...

Awaken to my laptop sitting next to me, after falling asleep attempting to write poetry, a single beam of light entering from the curtain slit landing directly on my face. I quickly retreat under the sheets and try to sleep off a little more of the day, funny as only a couple short weeks ago I actively sought to avoid sleep.

I meet Mike and her husband Bri on the 1st floor of their apartment and find we had to evacuate as their unscrupulous landlord scheduled a home visit an hour earlier than expected. We arrive at an awesome brunch spot with amazing Bloody Mary’s, after creating a new bff handshake in the car. We slug down our meal and rush back as to not miss my train.

Seeing as the train ride to Bloomington was so uneventful, I wasn’t expecting much on the way back. To my surprise I found a seat next to a graphic artists who works for Marvel! We spoke almost the entire train ride down about the work she did restoring old comics, our childhoods, and our thoughts on living in different cities.

We parted ways at the station where I met my loving mother who is currently dealing with a bout of strep throat. I was able to secure some drugs from Bri/Mike before I left as my Mother was currently taking 5 year old antiviral pills meant for a 4.3 Lbs. Chihuahua. Yeah. Anyway... She brought me back to my house and after some shop talk, I checked in on my Sister.

Now my sister Bek, has some developmental issues brought on by a lack of practical education after and during high school. Her issues are included in the list of many things I wish to improve or fix this year. I guess when you really get down to it, this is a self help blog more than anything. Me trying to reconstruct my past and see a better way to move forward. I’ll attack it like anything else that needs doing, with a good long list.

Address my surroundings/appearance

Clean my house and get inspections for sale

Sell house

Workout regimen

Whiten Teeth

Make cars legal

Redo budget

Assist struggling Family Members

Rehabilitate and find employment for Sister

Help Mum with her burdensome house

Fix health issues

Get PCP (primary care physician)

Find out what's wrong with me? (I’ll explain later)

Track calories/ Healthier diet

Better myself through outreach, understanding, and reflection

Daily Blog (this thing!)

Volunteering in community

Write a song or two

Write a short story

Write a poem

Write a haiku or two

Better myself through more practical means

Walk away from addictive Video Games

Reduced waste

Prep meals for week/reduce eating out

Answer some hard questions

When does babies/marriage make sense for me?

Do I want to move cities/countries?

Am I ready to embrace my future failures before it’s too late again?

learn to juggle (cuz fuck it... why not)

Wow. Yeah ok. You’re right, that’s a pretty long list and well buddy... There’s quite a bit I need to work out. I’ve made some pretty awful decisions last year and while I’d love to blame it all on the malevolent entity that is 2016, the truth is I need to work my shit out. We'll have plenty of time to elaborate on those inadequacies later. Perhaps it will be helpful to revisit those, cathartic at least I’m sure.

So let’s go through a handful really quick and talk about what we are tackling first...

Address my surroundings and appearance

This one is the easiest to describe and understand as it’s how we perceive almost everyone we meet. Basically I’m following the age of wisdom of “if you look good you feel good”. It’s a great start for me as I do feel better about “me” when I have a clean living space and or have some of the basics under control. Right now, I’m behind on quite a few things that I’ve basically let sit. Need to clean house, literally and figuratively.

Assist struggling Family Members

Again, another fairly straightforward concept. Family comes first right? Well, I could have been doing more to help and now I will. My mother feels trapped by her house and my sister needs help getting into the real world. So far, I’ve basically adopted my sister. She lives with me and I’ve got to find a way to connect her fantasies in her head with the realities around her. For now I have her focusing on some basic’s, a lot like the list of items from my surroundings and appearance category. More to come later.

Fix health issues

Hate to keep playing coy with you all but this is another topic I’m really not ready to discuss. My health has been neglected, but not necessarily in the typical manner. First step, find a doctor. I used NextDoor to find some reliable physicians. The community is so helpful so I have several options to go over tomorrow.

Better myself through outreach, understanding, and reflection

It’s easy to say that you can plop on someone's shoes and understand how they are feeling. For a long time I thought the same thing. I’m taking on some challenges that I hope will broaden my scope of understanding, giving me greater perspective when dealing with the people I love. Selfish decisions were made, though with what at the time seemed like justification, that hurt. It’s not the first time my decisions led me here, so I need to make sure I empathize and think while making major decisions.

I want figure myself out and express myself in ways I was unwilling to before. I want to take more pictures, where I shied away from them before... I want to reminisce on my past and embrace it even. I want to write down everything I am doing and thinking so I can look back over it and understand my evolution. I want to be just slightly more accepting person everyday so that when this is all over, I can safely look back and decide what balance of dark and light is appropriate. Perhaps even becoming a social sextant for life.

Better myself through more practical means

Phew ok. Putting the brakes back on for a bit here, basically there are things I could be doing that would mark me as a “better person”. I could prance around the streets singing about the extra little work I put in the try and lower my impact on my environment/others around me. Sounds delightful.

Starting this one by taking a break from all video games, save for the rare times I play Artemis with friends online. That’s mostly a social thing anyway. I have an addictive personality with hobbies, I’ll pick one up and devour all I can on it, only to leave it once I find something else. Jack of all, master of none. It’s manageable in most cases, yet with some games I can’t really ever consume it all, there will always be someone better or something new to learn. Many things were suffering from my addiction and I wasn’t real enough with myself to admit it was a problem. Going to stay away from all of them till I can figure out what’s best.

Reducing waste is a concept someone very close to me latched onto and it’s a very noble goal indeed. Something that you always joke about but never really embrace. Well, I’m going to try it on for size and see how it fits. I did the same thing with Vegetarianism several years ago and it stuck, so who knows. Some people go all the way with what’s called a “Zero Waste Challenge” but I’m going to take it a little more low key.  I’m not sure exactly what this means yet but I’ll keep you in the know. Building on that concept, I am also going to make more of my meals and plan them out, instead of Qdoba every day. Hummm now I want Qdoba...

Answer some hard questions

Yeash. Back to the big stuff. Ok folks, as I have said before, I currently do not have my shit together. I want to explore some major concepts to try and find out when I want to move on to the next big steps in my life. Again, we’ll find some of these later on after I’ve had time to research and talk with people.

Juggling is the last one. No practical purpose to this one, though has there ever been a practical purpose to juggling?

Ok. That’s it for me today. May not seem like it but this was about two hours of thoughts going to paper. Time to lie down hoping my sleepy self won’t decide to cause trouble. It’s an interesting ritual i’ve developed, prepping for sleep. Having all the pillows in just the right place and elevating my body in just the right manner so sleep me won’t feel the need to rock the boat. Anyway, going to cut this off here!

Cheers -Mind

[canaryatlaw]

Omg I'm so tired. Today was good, it was just LONG. Very long. Sigh. I'm so dead but I still have a lot to talk about and decompress from (if you haven't noticed by now, these posts are my main way of decompressing from my crazy days). Okay. So alarm went off at 7, got up and went to work. I look through the file for today's hearing for a while, then my supervisor asks if I want to go down to court and observe some permanency hearings and I can take notes and such to see what gets asked and all that. So we do. First is a 17 year old girl who's there, and also her 16 year old sister who wasn't there, so after they do the first girl for confidentiality reasons they ask her to step out for her sister's part and the GAL and someone else (I forget) were like "oh will she be ok out there on her own?" and I was right there so I volunteered to go sit with her for like 10 minutes, so we talked. Nice kid, wants to be a cop and looks like she's actually gonna make it to college (this is an incredibly sad fact, but the percentage of foster kids that make it to college is like 3%) so that's good for her definitely. They didn't take too much longer, and then there was another permanency hearing that took for fucking ever, but it was interesting, just sad too. The kid was a 12 year old girl who was there with her grandfather who's the foster father right now and man, I just felt so bad for this kid. Her bio dad is incarcerated and apparently her mom married this asshole and had another kid with him, then he starts smacking the mom around and starts hitting the girl too and the girl is telling her mom but she won't believe her daughter and like, when the girl talked to the court you could tell that she was just so hurt by all of it. Like just so so hurt to feel like her mother betrayed her like that and now she doesn't even want to be in the same room as her, which are pretty intense feelings for a 12 year old. She was really bright too, definitely a smart kid. She really didn't want to do any therapy which I understand, but the judge pushed her into saying she would at least try a few sessions because even if she's not feeling the effects of the trauma now it could affect her down the road. And of course the mom has substance abuse issues and gave a drop that was positive for cocaine in January. I seriously just wanted to hug this poor kid. And the mom is also refusing to let the girl have visits with her little sister, who's like all of 18 months old, as long as she's not visiting with her which is like, so fucking slimy but because the baby isn't court involved there's nothing the judge can do to make that happen (I'm gonna see if there's any case law on that though). And then he yelled at the caseworker because they weren't monitoring the little girl, who only didn't get removed from the home because she was living apart from the mom with her dad at the time (so now she's living with her abusive mom and domestic violence committing father, lovely) so now that she's with them both they need to be watching that. Then there was a whole debate on the permanency goal, because the caseworker was recommending guardianship but as far as permanency goals go you have to rule out the better more permanent options before getting to the less permanent ones, so the judge wanted to know why adoption wasn't being considered, so that was a big thing but he decided not to enter a goal for today and just continue it to the next court date, which makes sense at this point. I did remark to the grandfather and we were walking out that she seems like a really great kid, and he just smiled and was like "oh believe me, I know" and it was really cute. Sometime during my morning I had realized I left my lunch box in my fridge this morning like a fucking middle schooler, so I had to go run out and get food for lunch and dinner because I had packed both, lol. Got pizza first for lunch from that bakery that makes the best New York style pizza I've had in Chicago (I know, a bakery selling pizza sounds ridiculous but this place is just awesome) then ran to the deli to grab a sandwich for later. I got back and started writing up my questions based on the notes I took, and pretty soon it was time to go down for the hearing I was doing. We spent a while talking to the foster mom, and I was alone with her for a good 10 minutes while my supervisor handled another thing. She was really just pissed at the agency because she felt betrayed by how the kids almost got taken from her over the whole heroin dealing boyfriend incident, and some of what she said had legit points but most of it was kind of nuts haha but she was ranting so I mostly just nodded and placated her, saying I understood but as long as the kids are in the system we have to jump through these hoops until they can get officially adopted (she was upset they wanted her to do a psych assessment) and she seemed to understand that mostly. She did bring up God a few times and we had a good little exchange on caring for others and the blessing he puts on our lives. It was good. And then, we were ready to go and I was set to do my first hearing! Ahh, so exciting. It was fine, very basic, though it managed to go on for over an hour (and my feet were killing me by the end). The judge kept kind of interrupting and going on tangents with the worker but he was cool about it like "I don't expect you to know what specific things I want more info on, so I'm sorry for interrupting" which was fine with me haha. But yeah, asked my questions and they mostly resolved the remaining issues. There was a lot of discussion regarding services the kids should be receiving, I know they both have some sort of learning disability/mental processing issue so they need to be dealing with that, and they all want the adoption to go through already because it's already been 2 years since the parental rights were terminated. But yeah, it was good. It was like, 4:20 by the time we got out, so I went back to my office and pulled up my LARC syllabus hoping I could see what reading I had for class tomorrow only to find out the syllabus says there is no class tomorrow, because we're doing individual conferences this week! I was happy to hear that, lol. I headed out a few minutes early to make sure I could make it to the gym for my 5:30 class on time, which ended up being a good call on my part. My job is like, one train stop west and a few blocks south of my church, so I can generally take the bus up the blocks, then take the train west, except now that entrance to the train station is blocked off for construction, and the other entrance is a full two blocks down the road and did I mention it was like 20 degrees out? Yeah, fuck that shit that would make me late anyway. So I called an uber haha and got there in time. For ready, then somewhat confused about which class I was going to because I thought it was Krav Maga when it was really more grappling, which I'm fine with but it is more or less the same class I broke my wrist in so I hesitated a few times with that, lol, but it was mostly fine. There were 6 of us, and I was the only girl. The warm ups and class itself kicked my butt of course, though I do feel good at doing like somersaults and shit because I'm always able to land on my feet with enough force to stand straight up and it works well lol. Then we practiced moves for a bit but it involved hooking an arm around your opponent's neck and kind of pulling them forward, and after a few of those my head started getting a bit dizzy from the pressure on my neck I think, so I bowed out of that a bit early so I didn't wind up like passing out and injuring myself again because I'm sure they are soooo over me getting injured there, lol. But that ended at 6:15, which gave me 15 minutes to get to my conference with my LARC prof because this was the only possible time I could fit it into my schedule, so I ubered again cuz that was the only real choice haha and it worked pretty well. The conference was good, she's an adjunct and doesn't have an office at school so we met in her office in the firm she works at which was cool. She was very encouraging, definitely picked out that I was having issues just organizing stuff because it's all supposed to be so precise, but she said she could tell I was a really good writer, which (as much as I know that already) I always like to hear. I had some time to get back to church for small group that started at 7:30 then, so I took the train instead of doing uber number 3, but this would prove to not be a good idea for reasons I definitely could not foresee. I'm getting off the train at the stop when my phone falls out of my coat pocket, dangles precariously on the end of my earbuds for a few seconds, then slips and falls into the gap between the train and the platform. I was literally just like "oh FUCK." Like ugh are you fucking kidding me???? So I get off the train of course and it pulls away a few seconds later, and thankfully it's on the side of the track and not on the track so it didn't suffer any damage from the train. There were two teenage girls who saw it and said they'd run and get the attendant, and were like "don't jump down and get it yourself!!!" which I may have been considering a little haha but I figured if I could avoid it I probably should, because that could turn out to be a really terrible move (there was like, amble space on the other side of the track so that if I was down there when a train came I could definitely get out of the way, but still, not preferable) though if I didn't have any other options I probably would've. But they get the attendant, who radios over to her supervisor (who's taller) who jumps down and gets it then is able to prop himself back up to the platform which I'm not certain I would've been able to do without help at least, so it's probably good I didn't try. I was very thankful of course and felt like an idiot, but the attendant was cool and was like "I mean, at least a phone is important, we get people wanting us to go down over gloves" so that helped me feel slightly less stupid. So I now ran back to church since I was now late (UGH) but got there quickly and of course filled in my new small group on my last minute adventure. It was nice, seems like a fun group of people. We did a like either or ice breaker game where you like stepped into the circle for the first thing or remained in your spot for the second, and I was wearing my batman t-shirt when he's like "batman or superman?" and every turns to look at me and I'm just standing there like....I like superman better!!! Haha it was funny. And then of course we talked for a while, the subject of the group is "knowing God and loving others," and while it was one of two groups that I could pick that actually worked with my schedule I liked the idea of that and it was pretty good! At this point I'm like, good at speaking theologically on things so it wasn't a stretch for me and they seemed to all like what I was saying. Ended a little after 9, train to bus and made it home and was soooo dead. But I did want to relax a bit and I considered rewatching this week's legends (which I'll definitely do some time this weekend) but I've had this week's flash podcast episode staring at me since Wednesday and haven't been able to watch the flash yet to listen to it, so I did that instead. Pretty good episode, though I'll probably keep my comments short because I'm tired. I'm glad they finally told Joe. I like the mentoring dynamic going on between Wally and Barry. CAITLIN AND JULIAN THOUGH. YESSSSSSSS. You better not kill him off or make him go evil though writers, because you need to fucking let Caitlin be happy, k? K. The whole phasing an entire train thing was obviously totally impossible even on a superpower level for so many reasons, but logic, I know (I did a full analysis of the medical reasons why Gideon was able to bring back Sara yesterday and everyone was like....uh, Rachel, you might've thought too he's about this....). And yeah, those are my basic thoughts and I'm finally done talking about my day and GOD am I tired. So goodnight pals. Happy fucking Friday.

[canaryatlaw]

Alright, so today was sort of crazy but mostly okay. I woke up around noon and thankfully felt a bit better than last night instead of worse, which felt like a major win for me. I kept taking the medicine and everything of course, including the inhaler I have. I know it does get worse at night though, and that's been true. But anyway figured if I got out of bed now instead of drifting in and out of sleep for a couple more hours I could maybe be productive, so I got up and got dressed then walked over to the grocery store so I could purchase some wine for the brunch I'm going to tomorrow, which was amusing of course because I have absolutely zero idea how to pick out wine. I settled on two bottles that looked vaguely brunch-y (if that's such a thing) and grabbed some cocoa krispies cuz my instacart guy couldn't find them yesterday, and some fruit for good measure. Checked out, went home, and hung out for a bit before getting ready to go to church, and by church I mean the babies room. I may have explained this before, but the way my church is doing Easter this year is they're having 3 services on Saturday and 4 on Sunday, just so they can accommodate the massive amount of people that want to attend our church on Easter (which is, of course, a good problem to have, but it is still a problem). So for today I was gonna go be in the babies room for the later two services. Overall I'd say things were fairly chaotic, which is to be expected when you have a fair number of babies who've probably never been in the nursery before or experienced this particular form of separation from their parents. The second service (the first one I did) had a good number of babies and pretty much played hot potato with crying- like we'd get one to stop and then another would pick back up, for pretty much the whole time. It wasn't that bad though, no major freak outs, so that was begin. Between services I ran to the volunteer lounge and got some food, but most of it was stuff that I think might've ended up hurting my stomach so I mostly stayed away from it. The last service was less chaotic, but not necessarily less stressful, lol. We had two helpers and three babies, not bad odds, but the issue more came that we had two helpers and three very tired babies, all of which would start crying if not being held.....you see my problem, lol. So it was a bit of a fine balancing act. For most of the service I ended up holding this tiny little girl who was 3 months and oh my goodness she just melted my heart and I wanted to take her home with me even while she was screaming in my ear, lol. She had been there for at least two services though, and I could tell from the way she was fussing she was tired, so I just held her and bounced her and rocked her until she fell asleep, and she was out for at least a solid 45 minutes I'd say, so that felt like a victory for me. She was just....so small. And like, it really brought to mind the work I do and how important it is. So many of the cases I've been dealing with lately, these babies are 1 or 2 months old- because of course they are the most vulnerable and least able to defend themselves. And here she was, just this warm little binding of life and light in my arms, and it reminded me of how hard I have to fight for all the babies out there just like her who were born into unfortunate circumstances on to parents who just can't/won't take care of them. How vulnerable they are. How much they need our protection. It's just.....as much as I get wrapped up in my shows and part of me is dying to be an actress, I really couldn't imagine doing anything else. I have no doubt in my mind that this is what I was made to do- to protect the most vulnerable among us placed in the most vulnerable positions. I'll get off my soapbox now for time's sake at least though. The other two kids in the room were in various states of meltdowns and then deciding to be fine before melting down again 5 minutes later. So yeah, it was pretty chaotic and by the end I was glad to be done. Took the train to the bus and caught it with just a minute to spare, then got home and watched training day, which watching each new episode just brings me sadness now because I know there's one less left that they were actually able to shoot with Bill Paxton. That show had a lot of potential, dammit. Then I finished Riverdale since I never got to the end after my little incident last night. Speaking of which, coughing is definitely worse at night, and tonight hasn't been great. I'm less convinced it's allergies now and more convinced it's something else at least, if not asthmatic bronchitis. Idk, I'm just gonna keep taking the medication and albuterol and hope whatever if is isn't contagious because I got shit to do. If needed I can always go to the walk in clinic on Monday instead of going to my DV shift since I told him I might not make it anyway. We'll see. Oooh, exciting news I forgot to tell you, my summer job friend is coming to church with me tomorrow! I'm super excited about it, I love my church so much and I hope she likes it too. She's not particularly religious, but she definitely falls somewhere under the agnostic/some sort of vague Christian belief category which generally means she's open to listening, so I'm very excited for that. And yeah, ugh my coughing is really getting on my nerves and I really really really don't hope I have asthmatic bronchitis, but at the same time I'd rather have that than something that's potentially contagious that I could pass on to a baby 😷😷 because then I would feel insanely guilty and awful. I'm pretty sure it's either allergies or asthmatic bronchitis though, and neither are contagious, so as long as I can make myself up to it I should be fine. Alright, enough for now. Time for sleep. Goodnight my loves. See you in the morning.

[canaryatlaw]

Well, today was kind of blah, mostly because I'm still in the same shitty mood from yesterday. And now that I'm back here even though I have a handle on most of my things I still feel ridiculously stressed out and can't stop my mind from racing and I could really use some fucking Xanax right now (I only say that because I'm awaiting my prescription for it from the company, I don't normally throw around comments like that). Ugh. But anyway. My alarm went off at 9:45 and I got up, got my things together and got ready, then ate some breakfast and my dad took me to the airport. I made it through all my goodbyes okay, despite having the feeling in my chest that tears were lurking right below the surface, waiting to be set off at the smallest trigger, but it somehow subsided and I was okay. The airport is small, so I made it through security and to the gate in no time. The first flight was fine, nothing spectacular. I mostly worked on my appellate brief, fixing citations and breaking up sentences (because I have a habit of making 4 line sentences, grammatically proper but I know my prof won't appreciate it) and just generally trying to get my word count up. We landed in Baltimore pretty soon and my next flight was in an hour, with the gate pretty close by to where I was. So I grabbed some sushi that looked appetizing from one of the places then sat at the gate and took advantage of the free wifi I finally managed to hack into without actually paying (it's not actual hacking, it's just knowing how to navigate the system). And with that wifi I looked up and downloaded the rest of the cases mentioned in the trial court fake opinion so I could use them for the second section of my paper. Flight boarded soon, and when we were in the air I started reading cases and working on them, and made a solid amount of progress. Landed after not too long, took for-fucking-ever for our bags to come, and then my uber app flipped out on me and kept saying my request wouldn't go through so I'm like fine whatever I'll use Lyft, so I do and the driver gets there a lot quicker than they usually do since the airport makes them wait in a special lot until they get a pick up. So I get in the car and we started chatting, apparently they had been leaving the airport after another pick up planning on going home but had their app on to see if they'd get anything going north towards where they lives and they got me haha so they turned around and so we went. And then I get a notification saying my uber driver was arriving now and I'm like ????? I bring up the app and it doesn't even have a trip going, so I'm like wtf....and then a few minutes later the poor guy calls wanting to know where I am and I'm just like....I didn't order an uber?? Haha it was strange. But my driver and I established pretty early on that we're both tumblr people, so that kind of set the level of understanding of each other for the rest of the conversation haha. So we talked about a lot of things, they talked about figuring out that they were non-binary and picking a new name, and of course we eventually got into religion and it's social effects and I was happy to hear that they were still actually a Christian even after having grown up in a crappy conservative Christian environment and dealing with all that shit. So they were telling me how much they love their church and I in turn told them how much I love my church, and yeah, it was nice. Got home soon enough, and as expected my white canary boots had arrived, so I had to try on my whole costume to make sure they work of course, haha (I'll post a photo when I'm down here). They fit, thankfully, and they match the costume pretty well- they're a little darker than the actual suit, but the jacket is a darker gray so with them together they just look awesome, so I'm very happy about that. So I settled in and started catching up on my tv shows, which I'll try to comment on if I can remember what I watched, lol. But I kept working on my appellate brief until I had about 4700 words (out of the maximum 5000). I had one more case I was gonna cover but the opinion was so confusing and its relevance to our case really tenuous, so I said ah screw it and called it there. Hopefully I can make up the last 300 or so words in final edits and adding transitory and other necessary things. I'm not worried though, which is good. I've said this a million times before, and I fucking hate it so much, but every single time I have to write something I get scared I won't be able to write as much as needed, even though I pretty much always exceed the word count and being too short is almost never an issue, and while knowing this, I still think it, and 5000 words was looming over me this whole week as some unattainable goal, so now that I'm a lot closer to it I'm feeling better about it. So yeah, tv. I initially picked out my recording of powerless, only to find out the dvr had actually recorded the premiere of trial and error. Okay, well I wanted to watch this anyway, so I might as well keep watching, and holy Jesus this show is amazing haha I already love it so much, although I know the legal inaccuracies are gonna kill me even when I'm telling myself it's a comedy ffs (but in the episode they were pulling shit like "oh homosexuality as a crime was never repealed here" and I'm like uh bullshit Lawrence v. Texas much???? Lol). But I enjoyed that a lot. I think I went to Designated Survivor next, which was a thoroughly epic episode, fairly major spoilers ahead (you've been warned) but ahhh I can't believe just like that MacLeish is dead??? The Vice President is dead?? And how that's just gonna look so much worse for president Kirkman and not just that MacLeish was a dirty traitor....ugh. I was glad to at least see my girl Hannah FINALLY getting vindicated cuz I was like ahh yes you go girl cuz I've hardcore been pulling for her this whole time, lol, so that was cool. But yeah, really intense and awesome episode, I liked it a lot. Riverdale next I think, and holy shit that episode was so sad???? Like dang man, Jughead's life is really fucking depressing. I was of course calling major bs when the sheriff supposedly took him in on literally no evidence and then had his school record because that's not fucking illegal or anything?????? Ugh. I'm glad he's at least living with Archie now though. Veronica continues to be awesome, and with the whole Betty and Polly situation I was thinking the whole time yo do not trust the Blossoms they evil AF so of course I was right there. Good episode though. Then I started last week's episode of Time After Time, which I managed to start in time to finish right before this week's episode started without actually meaning to at all haha so I watched the two episodes back to back. Continues to be an intriguing show, I think it's still finding its footing a bit, but the twists have been very interesting so far. I'm not sure how sustainable it is in the long run, like I'm not sure I can see it going more than one season really, which is unfortunate because it's clever, the plot just doesn't really allow for it. They also love killing people off haha I guess that's what happens when you have a show featuring Jack the Ripper. HG Wells continues to be an gem ("he came over right after world war 2" ".....there was more than 1???????") and the rest of cast does well too. So when that was over I knew I had just missed the live episode of Chicago justice, but I didn't really have much else to watch at this point so I watched the second episode. It wasn't bad, annoyed me less than the first, though that's likely just because they spent less time in the courtroom, lol. They're not quite mastering the time jump thing yet, where they go from crime to investigation to trial in one episode, without any real inference to time passing, which makes it feel like it all happened over like 3 days, which isn't just unrealistic, it's confusing, because they're like "oh who are we gonna bring to the grand jury?" and then the next scene is "the grand jury returned an indictment!" and you're just like da fuck?? Lol. The episode itself was interesting though, I wish they tied in their twist a little sooner, it seemed like too much of an afterthought with the entire plot they had come up with, but it was a well-thought out and well-played twist for sure. It kind of annoyed me that through the entire episode everyone was like "oh you know any cop who gets put on trial is gonna be found guilty" when that's pretty much categorically false, as cops are almost never convicted for officer involved behavior?? Lol, like I get that they're connected to Chicago PD or whatever but they gotta get that down a bit better. And yeah, when that was over I let the news play for a bit while I finished up the queue for the week on the company tumblr. Throughout the night I also wrote my "speech" (it's like a paragraph and a half) for the PAD election speeches tomorrow- so needless to say I decided that I would run. I had kind of come to that decision last night and was gonna text the justice (president) but I was already falling asleep, then I woke up and started doubting it again, but then came back to that conclusion and went for it. I'm not running for justice though because I know that would be too much, so I'm running for service chair (my current position) and vice justice. I don't know the current state of people running, but I have to imagine it's not gonna be all that many. I guess we'll see tomorrow though. And yeah, that's about it. Tired and about ready to fall asleep, back to real life tomorrow. So goodnight friends of mine. Hope you had a relaxing weekend.