#multiple projects + 15 min presentation on Friday...

[fatuismooches]

hiii, how we doing? been doing good i hope, or at least as well you can be with school and all. ik how it is cuz its really stressing me out. im also moving schools, along with having to still take a test at my old school a week after ive already moved. which makes no sense to me and is really annoying but whatever.

i havent really been doing much on tumblr at all tbh, way too busy and kinda out of motivation. i hope you're doing way better though, cuz i now your gonna be crushing it all.

remember to get some sleep, to eat and stuff, cuz my eyebags are so dark my brother thought i put makeup under my eyes lol

-luv ya

HAI! I've been doing good, just always busy and tired as you've guessed 😅 I hope you transition into your new school nicely! i know that can be pretty hard and lonely, but most importantly take some time to yourself and do something relaxing, and don't worry about tumblr rn (i mean, i come here like once a week SO DON'T FEEL BAD, you are more important!!) 🫶 (also YEA. i hate tests. HATE.)

Remember to take care of yourself too, and GET YOUR SLEEP HOURS IN!! telling you rn... being sleep deprived in class is not fun... go eep.

[kattahj]

Another batch of QL or QL-adjacent reviews, plus a bonus extra!

Am I the Only One with Butterflies? (Minidrama, 7 x 5-10 min)

What's it about? Jung Ah has such a crush on her kind and helpful boss, Manager Lee. But how can she know if her boss feels the same?

Genre: Romantic drama

Watch if you enjoy: Pining. Workplace romance. Age gap. Insecure protagonist. Chatroom advice. No villains. Bitesized episodes. Minimal number of characters and settings. Ambiguous ending.

Gayer version of: Hmm, I can't think of anything where someone has a crush on their boss and it's as innocent as it's presented here.

Recommended? It barely has time to get started before it ends, but it's pretty cute, so sure! Especially since it has no fandom presence on AO3 and barely any on tumblr, and I think it deserves better than that.

Watched on: YouTube

Playlist: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLY5PeW5o0GVychuvZOrOhdWt9sgnrnh92&si=gCj7CMBV_1-EGfAi

Club Friday: Love Bully (4 x 60 min)

What's it about? Rich girl Irene falls for bartender Night, which infuriates her CEO mother and makes some others in the company sense an opportunity.

Genre: Soapy drama

Watch if you enjoy: Couples that waste no time falling in love. Class issues. (Somewhat undermined by the poorer characters' ridiculously fancy house.) Smirking villains. Trans representation.

Gayer version of: Crazy Rich Asians

Recommended? Must a show be good? Is it not enough to watch two beautiful ladies fall in insta-love while soap villains conspire (badly) against them?

So no, but also yes.

Watched on: YouTube

Trailer: https://youtu.be/RocOPTziZ1c?si=_VL3nFNzb5dG7xTj

Playlist: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLESL0e438h4OWJmsV0KUFZTFAbbxF0rpg&si=PZcueqaBHTkmqeFp

Ghost Host, Ghost House (8 x 30 min, last ep double-length)

What's it about? Kevin is going on holiday with his relatives in Thailand. As a side project, he's also ghost hunting, and livestreams about it. But the ghosts may be closer than he thinks!

Genre: dramedy (more comedy to begin with, then more drama)

Watch if you enjoy: Nice ghosts and some not so nice ghosts. Ghost bureaucracy. Explorations of love and loss. Incredibly sweet boys in love. Romance that progresses at a realistic pace.

Gayer version of: The Canterville Ghost

Recommended? Yes! This was an unexpected gem. Heartfelt, funny, and sweet. Among my absolute favourites.

Watched on: GagaOoLala, but seems to also be available on youtube

Trailer (quite spoilery): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=il0tMQA8BRg

My Stand-In (12 x 60 min)

What's it about? Joe works as a stuntman/stand-in, and he also feels as a stand-in in his romantic life, since his boyfriend would rather be with aomeone else. After a fatal accident, he finds himself as a third kind of stand-in: stuck in a stranger's body!

Genre: Melodrama

Watch if you enjoy: Heightened emotions. Slight supernatural tinge. Toxic romance (that improves somewhat with time). Both supportive and less supportive family. Sweet, sad, and soppy protagonist, who knows he's a fool returning to his folly but does it anyway.

Gayer version of: Heaven Can Wait as written by the Brontë sisters (not Anne)

Recommended? For the right kind of viewer, yes! Personally, I enjoyed it in a "sit back with popcorn" way, but was the most emotionally invested in Joe's relationship with his new "mom".

Watched on: Dailymotion 

Trailer: https://youtu.be/9lzKraOt4dk?si=4kRyaPr0IbzaKT0S

Fragrance of the First Flower (6 x 15-20 min)

What's it about? Yi Ming and Ting Ting were in love in high school. Now Yi Ming is married with a child, and trying to make the best of it, when Ting Ting suddenly comes back into her life.

Genre: low-key drama

Watch if you enjoy: Realistically messy relationships. (This is more of a general relationship drama than a downright GL.) Old flames and second chances. Multiple timelines. Heartbreak with a hopeful ending. No heroes, no villains.

Gayer version of: Maybe The Notebook? I feel like this is a common story, but I'm hard pressed to find examples!

Recommended? Maybe? I thought the acting was well done, but found it distracting (and sometimes confusing) when these clearly 30+ actresses were supposed to be teenagers. The storyline is compelling, though it's hard to sympathize with anyone.

Season 2 is in the works, and I plan to see it when it comes.

Note: The end titles are unusually long, so don't be surprised if the counter says 23 minutes and the ep ends at 16.

Watched on: GagaOOLala

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkdxhA-LZ2E

Wandee Goodday (12 x 50 min)

What's it about? Dr. Wandee just got rebuffed and called vanilla by the colleague he has a crush on. Determined to prove himself desirable, he hooks up with boxing champion Yoryak and asks him to be his fake boyfriend.

Genre: Romcom

Watch if you enjoy: Hijinks of both a sexual and platonic variety. Couple who deny being in love for far too long. Playing dress-up. Talking the issues out. Gayest boxing gym ever. Parental issues. Parentified big brother with the bestest boyfriend. Some asexual representation on the side. Occasional reminders to take the HPV vaccine.

Gayer version of: To All the Boys I've Loved Before

Recommended? The main storyline is kind of cute, with piles of romcom tropes in good and bad ways. The SECONDARY couple, however, I absolutely adored. They got 5-15 minutes per ep, and stole every scene they were in and then some.

Watched on: YouTube

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KAC6UgVxles

BONUS REVIEW

The Warp Effect (Series, 12 x 45-60 min)

Not a QL (it has a mix of straight and queer pairings) but relevant to the subject because it has a lot of the same actors as Thai QLs, and the director has also made some QLs.

What's it about? Before she died, Alex's mother made him promise to stay a virgin until the time is right. Whenever Alex tries to break that promise, bad things happen. Like being thrown ten years into the future.

Genre: dramedy

Watch if you enjoy: Big friend groups. Mix of comedic and serious moments. Gay, lesbian, trans, nonbinary, and even kinky representation.

Somewhat gayer version of: 13 going on 30

Recommended? On the whole, yes. It's sympathetic, and I got quite involved in some of the characters' fates (mostly the ladies and my favourite enby, not so much the guys). The comedy doesn't always work for me, and as a cynical Gen X cusper, I thought at times that the show gets too Very Special Episode about its sex ed bits. (In Swedish terms, it's like it was co-produced by UR and RFSU.) But hey, in comparison to what we were told as teenagers, its lessons are pretty darn great, and it's also got Silvy Pavida looking (and acting) fantastic in a nonbinary role, so... :-)

Watched on: YouTube

Trailer: https://youtu.be/eBwCNO-XkaY?si=2rvyoEtxFruHZq2D

Playlist: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLGbua6YlkQiIx1a-KrOMDNDoutnY1ZEmj&si=4ik9y6LC5t2owoBm

[aion-rsa]

13 Best Blumhouse Horror Movies Ranked

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Has any single person had a greater impact on horror this century than Jason Blum? The one-time Miramax executive struck out on his own in the 2000s when he founded Blumhouse Productions, a company where he remains the CEO. And in the ensuing years, Blum’s production label would define, and redefine again, the trends of horror movies and thrillers.

Operating on the philosophy that a horror film with a micro-budget will almost always turn a profit, Blum frequently allows directors broad freedom to make what they want within the genre, and in the process has kept multiplexes perpetually spooky. In 2009 Blumhouse helped reinvent the found footage horror aesthetic, and in the 2010s, the modern phenomenon of talent-focused horror gems began with Blumhouse’s gambles.

Working with filmmakers like James Wan, Scott Derrickson, Ethan Hawke, and Jordan Peele, Blumhouse Productions’ title card is now a promise of something different, if still eminently commercial and entertaining. It even paved the way for the controversial modern discourse around “elevated” horror, with Peele’s Get Out being the first chiller to win an Oscar for screenwriting since The Silence of the Lambs.

So with a new Blumhouse horror movie in theaters this Friday the 13th, we thought it a good time to count down the 13 best Blumhouse efforts that paid off with a bloody good time.

13. Hush

At the bottom of our top 13 is this taut thriller from Mike Flanagan, director The Haunting of series and Doctor Sleep fame. Flanagan and his co-writer and star (and also wife), Kate Siegel, wanted to make a horror movie with little to no dialogue. So they came up with this concept of a deaf-mute woman (Siegel) in a remote house, who is stalked by a killer with a crossbow. Hush is at its peak in the first 20 minutes as the masked man (10 Cloverfield Lane’s John Gallagher Jr.) realizes his quarry can’t actually hear him and begins to play games.

Read more

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Doctor Sleep Director Mike Flanagan Teases Future Stephen King Projects

By John Saavedra

Movies

A24 Horror Movies Ranked From Worst to Best

By David Crow and 3 others

The pair’s relationship with sound makes an interesting dynamic in this tense home invasion movie, though the cat and mouse chase does grow somewhat repetitive and generic as the film progresses. Still, a fine performance from Siegel and an indication of what Flanagan could do on a small budget make this very much worth checking out. – Rosie Fletcher

12. Happy Death Day

The Groundhog Day formula where an odious person is doomed to relive the same day countless times has proven remarkably flexible. And Happy Death Day is no exception with its horror-comedy blend of Punxsutawney hijinks and ‘80s slasher movie clichés. Starring a ridiculously game Jessica Rothe as Tree, the sorority girl who is constantly waking up with the hangover from hell, Happy Death Day follows the typical “Queen Bee” slasher archetype, and forces her to relive the same horror movie again and again. Until she can figure out who her masked killer is, and maybe how to be a better person, she’s condemned to die in increasingly preposterous ways. Worse still, she must also wake up in a dormitory afterward.

It’s derivative in a million different ways, but delightful in many more thanks to a cheeky atmosphere from director Christopher Landon and a very savvy, self-aware script by Scott Lobdell. Most of all though, it benefits from Rothe’s comedic talents on full display, as she backflips between initial verbal bitchiness and constant physical comedy. She even manages to find a little pathos, one stab wound at a time. – David Crow

11. The Visit

The Sixth Sense may remain M. Night Shyamalan’s masterpiece, but it was an oft-referenced moment from a different film that became key to Blumhouse pulling him back from the brink of irrelevance.

Having made four objectively terrible movies in a row, including the notoriously bad wind-smeller The Happening, Shyamalan seemingly decided to use what he’d learned from a very effective part of 2002’s Signs, where Joaquin Phoenix reacts to a tense home movie of an alien sighting, and took the next logical step: What if the director put together 90 minutes of unsettling home movie moments just like that?

Your mileage may vary with the handheld, mockumentary style of The Visit, but it’s hard to argue that this brisk, low-budget tale of two young siblings staying with some very, very odd grandparents they’ve never met before could play out more wildly than it does here. And Shyamalan certainly doesn’t pull many punches when it comes to putting those poor kids in peril during the film’s climax. – Kirsten Howard

10. Creep

No, not the one set on the subway, this Creep, directed by Patrick Brice, written by Brice and Mark Duplass, and also starring them both in a tense two-hander, is an altogether more unsettling affair. Brice plays Aaron, a videographer who answers an ad posted by Josef (Duplass), the latter saying he’s dying and wants a video diary made to leave to his son. But Josef’s behavior is weird – exactly how weird is too weird is the challenge faced by Aaron.

At just 77 mins long, this is a compact, unusual, often funny movie which picks at male relationships in the modern day, and how far kindness and politeness can override instinct. Duplass and Brice are incredibly natural in a film that’s extremely unusual, steeped in unease but not really like a traditional horror, with laughter and tension relief keeping you on your toes throughout. There’s a sequel which is good too, though if you can watch the first without spoilers it delivers a particular kind of dread that’s hard to replicate. – RF

9. Upgrade

A couple of decades ago, there were plenty of films around like Upgrade. You didn’t even have to move for fun sci-fi action movies, really! But the glory days of never having to wait for the next Equilibrium, Gattaca, Cypher, or even Jet Li’s The One are long behind us. It’s pretty tough to get a slick little concept movie made when you’re expected to compete with huge action tentpoles at the box office—unless you’re Leigh Whannell, one of Blumhouse’s integral puzzle pieces.

Whannell paid his dues at the production house for 15 years as both a writer and helmer before unleashing his sophomore directorial effort, Upgrade. The film, which follows ludicrously named technophobe Grey Trace after he loses his beloved wife in a violent mugging, sees a paralyzed hero get implanted with a chatty chip that allows him to regain the use of his whole body. Soon Trace become virtually superhuman—imagine an internal K.I.T.T.—but all is not as it seems.

It shouldn’t be as delightful as it is. Admittedly, the whole thing isn’t too far removed from an elevated episode of The Outer Limits. But if you miss old school sci-fi nonsense and feel nostalgic for a time when smart sci-fi projects didn’t end up as eight drawn out episodes on a major streaming service instead, Upgrade really scratches an itch.

Of course now might be a bad time to mention that an Upgrade TV series is in the works… – KH

8. Halloween

In resurrecting one of horror’s most enduring—yet stubbornly uneven—franchises, director David Gordon Green (working with screenwriters Danny McBride and Jeff Fradley) made the smartest move he could: He stripped away the ridiculously convoluted and nonsensical mythology the franchise had built up over decades. Instead he simply made a direct sequel to Carpenter’s 1978 masterpiece.

Read more

Movies

Best Modern Horror Movies

By Don Kaye

Movies

Halloween: A Legacy Unmasked

By David Crow

The result was easily the best Halloween movie since the original itself, bringing the characters and the story into the present while reverting Michael Myers back to the enigmatic, unstoppable, unknowable force that was so terrifying in the first film. Jamie Lee Curtis, Judy Greer, and Andi Matichak as three generations of Strode women bring healthy feminine empowerment to the proceedings while the intense violence and uneasy psychological underpinnings give this Halloween a resonance that has been lacking for so long. – Don Kaye

7. Split

As the movie that suggested M. Night Shyamalan’s renaissance was real, Split is still a surprising box office win for the eclectic filmmaker. With a grizzly premise about a man suffering from Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly known as split personality) kidnapping teen girls to hold in a zoo, this could be the stuff of ‘70s grindhouse sleaze. While there is a touch of that to Split, more critically the movie acts as a buoyant showcase for James McAvoy at his most unbound.

Playing a character with 24 different personalities, a shaved and beefy McAvoy is visibly giddy bouncing between multiple alters that include a deceptively sweet little boy, an OCD fashion designer, and a bestial final form. The commitment he shows to each also becomes its own special effect, causing you to swear his physical shape is changing with his expressions.

Similarly, scenes with theater legend Betty Buckley as his psychiatrist also rivet with the energy of a stage play, and suggest a sincere sympathy for mental illness. A rarity in horror. Nevertheless, the movie still comes down to his alters’ obsessions with their kidnapped prize (Anya Taylor-Joy), a young woman who hides demons of her own. When these true selves finally cross paths in a genuinely tense finale, Split is maniacally thrilling. – DC

6. Sinister

An unsettling entry in the horror subgenre of writers who destroy their families, Sinister marked director/co-writer Scott Derrickson’s (The Exorcism of Emily Rose) return to horror after he detoured with an ill-fated remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still. Thus Derrickson and co-writer C. Robert Cargill concocted a unique, if somewhat scattershot, mythology about a pagan deity that murders entire families in the ghastliest ways imaginable.

Read more

Movies

M. Night Shyamalan Movies Ranked

By John Saavedra

Movies

Best Horror Movies on Netflix: Scariest Films to Stream

By David Crow and 2 others

True crime writer Ethan Hawke discovers the extent of those murders in a box of 8mm films left in the attic of his new home (where the last killings took place), and it’s the unspooling of those films—along with long sequences of Hawke moving through the shadows and silence of the house—that provide Sinister with its sickening core and palpable dread. Derrickson sustains the film’s foreboding mood for the entire running time, making the movie an authentically frightening experience. – DK

5. Oculus

The film that brought much of the world’s attention to Mike Flanagan, Oculus turned out to be a preview for the horror filmmaker’s interests. It also remains a truly unnerving ghost story. Not since the days of Dead of Night has a film so successfully made you scared of looking in a mirror.

Officially titled the Lasser Glass, the mirror in question is the apparent supernatural cause of hundreds of deaths, including the parents of Kaylie Russell (Karen Gillan) and her brother Tim (Brenton Thwaites). When they were children, their mother starved and mutilated herself before their father killed her. But now as an adult, Kaylie is convinced she can prove the antique glass is the true culprit, and she’ll document its evil power before destroying it. But the funny thing about evil mirrors is they have ways of protecting themselves, and wreaking havoc on a sense of time, place, and certainly self-image.

Read more

TV

The Haunting of Bly Manor: Mike Flanagan Discusses Standout Eighth Episode

By Alec Bojalad

TV

The Haunting of Bly Manor: The Poignant Tale of Hannah Grose

By Louisa Mellor

With the movie’s near masterful blending of events occurring 11 years ago and in the present, Flanagan revealed a knack for dreamlike structure, and stories about the past damning the future. These are ideas he’s gone on to explore in richer detail with The Haunting of Hill House and Doctor Sleep, but Flanagan’s ability to juxtapose childhood trauma with a nightmarish present was never more potent, or tragic, than in Oculus’ refracted gaze. – DC

4. Paranormal Activity

It may take some mental gymnastics, but if you can take a step back and ignore all the sequels that followed in the wake of this surprise 2009 blockbuster, then you’d remember Paranormal Activity is a stone cold classic. It is also the movie that put Blumhouse on the map. Already mostly finished when Jason Blum saw a DVD screener of Oren Peli’s Paranormal Activity, this $15,000-budgeted terror is arguably the most evocative use of found footage in all of horror.

While Peli is obviously influenced by 1999’s The Blair Witch Project, that earlier movie is as famous for its shaky disorientation as it is its scares. By contrast what occurs in Paranormal Activity is excruciatingly clear. Seriously, the camera barely moves! Instead we’re asked to sit back and watch in near slow motion as an unwise couple (Katie Featherston and Micah Sloat) meddle with forces that were better off left undisturbed.

Read more

Movies

How Jason Blum Changed Horror Movies

By Rosie Fletcher

Movies

The Best Horror Movies to Stream

By Alec Bojalad and 1 other

It begins when Micah brings a home video camera into their house to track apparent ghosts in the dark; it ends in a demonic rush of violence. Everything in between is tracked by a disinterested lens, which usually sits statically in a corner or on a tripod, capturing the tedium of everyday life in its everyday natural lighting. Only occasionally does the horned shadow on the wall manifest. But then Paranormal Activity is chilling in its isolation. – DC

3. Insidious

As the fourth feature film directed by Australian filmmaker James Wan, Insidious follows a couple named Josh and Renai Lambert (Patrick Wilson and Rose Byrne), whose son inexplicably falls into a coma and becomes a vessel for malevolent entities from a dimension called the Further. The family enlists a psychic named Elise Rainier (Lin Shaye) in a battle involving astral projection and demonic possession.

Following an era of horror films that were more torture porn or police procedural (including Wan’s own Saw), Insidious was a return to the kind of horror filmmaking that was dependent on atmosphere, suspense, and what you don’t see lurking in the shadows. And Wan seemed to imbue that creepiness around the edges of every shot. Using actual adult characters and developing them (as opposed to the hipster teens that infested nearly every horror movie for at least 10 years previously) also set the film apart as a serious attempt at a genre that had been too often exploited in a tossed-off fashion.

Read more

Movies

Universal Monsters: The Invisible Man Shows Life After Dark Universe Death

By David Crow

Movies

Blumhouse Horror Movies Update: Halloween Kills, Insidious 5 and More

By Don Kaye

The world-building of Insidious left the door open for sequels, of course, and while the three produced so far have had their moments, none has matched the sheer invention and terrifying fun of the original. – DK

2. The Invisible Man

Leigh Whannell’s reimagining of the classic Universal Monster, the Invisible Man, was as much of a surprise when it hit screens earlier this year as the titular villain himself. As a smart social commentary on domestic abuse and gaslighting, while also being enormously effective as a straight up horror, this was a highly fresh take on an old standard.

At the core was the terrific performance of Elisabeth Moss as Cecilia, a woman stuck with her controlling boyfriend Adrian (Oliver Jackson-Cohen) in their high-tech, high security fortress of a home. When Cece finally manages to escape and Adrian appears to take his own life, she hopes her ordeal can finally be over. But in fact it’s just beginning.

Read more

Movies

How Leigh Whannell Made The Invisible Man Scary Again

By Rosie Fletcher

Movies

How The Invisible Man Channels the Original Tale

By Don Kaye

Playing on the true horror of not being believed, Whannell’s Invisible Man is as harrowing at times as it is thrilling. Yes, there are some extraordinarily shocking set pieces – the restaurant scene of course stands out – but it’s the increasing desperation of Cece, whose world is falling apart at the manipulative hands of a man who won’t let her go, which stays with you.

The Invisible Man is a thrilling horror, for sure, with a feel good ending (if you want to read it that way…), but it’s something altogether more exciting than that too: a fresh, relevant take on a classic, expertly directed and boasting star power delivered on a moderate budget, which flexes exactly what horror can do. – RF

1. Get Out

More impressive than any awards it won, Jordan Peele’s Get Out encapsulates the essential draw of horror: through entertaining “scares,” it unmasks truths folks might find too horrifying or uncomfortable to acknowledge. In the case of Get Out, it is the despair of Blackness and Black bodies still being commodified by a predatory American culture.

Wearing influences like Rosemary’s Baby and Stepford Wives on his sleeve, Peele pulls from classic horror conventions for his directorial debut, but gives them a startling 21st century sheen. His movie’s insidious conspiracy is neither an obvious coven of witches or the openly racist heavies of a period piece. Rather Peele sets his story about a Black man (Daniel Kaluuya) coming to meet his white girlfriend’s parents in a liberal conclave of wealthy suburbia. Written during the final days of the Obama years, Peele casts these parents (Bradley Whitford and Catherine Keener) as genial and welcoming, shielding cries of racism behind fashionable political correctness.

Yet once Peele moves past that trendy veneer, he finds a potent allegory in which the ghosts of slavery are still alive and well, even in Upstate New York. Peele also packs anxieties about interracial relationships, culture clash, and childhood trauma into a film that is nevertheless gregariously funny. Ultimately though, its final effect is triggering in the best way. Get Out offers an opportunity to confront real dread, one uneasy laugh, and then sudden jump scare, at a time. – DC

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[dragobsessedandposessed]

Lets talk about growth.

August 2016. I’m starting my sophomore year in undergrad. Last semester, I had my revelation and dove into the two Earth Sciences intro courses. I’m starting my first advanced core course in the curriculum. Geochemistry. It’s a 300 level.

I walk in the room, early as always, for the first day of class. New faces stream in. Nobody sits next to me. I sat in the first table in front of the door. Two minutes before class starts a senior rushes in and slides into the seat next to me and warmly introduces herself. Sophia.

The first Wednesday lab there are trays of six rocks and ten minerals, unlabeled. Half the class has taken min/pet (the class about rocks and minerals). Half the class has not. We are told we need to get reasonably familiar with these specimens so we can have context for the geochemistry course content. We get a mini lecture on rock and mineral ID. We do a lab. Sophia can pick everything up and just say “sodium rich plag(ioclase)”. I am completely lost. She tries to walk me through but I don’t get it. I can’t see it. What’s cleavage? Is this greasy or vitreous lustre? Did this streak or not?

I am frustrated. We are told we have a quiz on Friday. I email the prof and ask if she can meet in private. She emails the class and invites anybody. Six people show up. She stays with me and one other girl until 5:30. I’m still struggling but I’ve come up with little cheat cheats for remembering the obvious ones.

I am frustrated and it is obvious. Misty eyes and everything. My professor sits down next to me and says “I know it feels kinda like drinking out of a firehose right now. It’s a lot of information to throw at you. The only reason I can do this is because I’ve spent years locked in a basement with these guys. It takes time. And practice. Hah! And I’m not giving you those!”

She was trying to make me feel better. But I was mortified that I had let a professor see me so frustrated and teary eyed. I thought she thought I was a child. But really, I was frustrated with not knowing how to handle struggling in school. It never happened before. My grades were inconsistent on the first couple labs. My exam grades fine. But it was the hardest class I ever had taken. And it was enthralling. Every day at lunch I’d say to my friends “my brain explodes out of my head like twenty times a class!” I was desparate to learn. I put in the work. I read the textbook paragraph by paragraph, trying to absorb. I watched youtube videos to help me.

Our final project was a mercury research project of our own design. Soph was my partner. And now one of my best friends. She introduced me to the other students in the department, who are all awesome, and things get warmer. I have this idea to study soils at a site related to my job. The prof is completely into it and thinks it’s really exciting. And she knows it’s really my project, even if Soph is my partner. I still think she thinks I’m a failure.

She is so enthusiastic about this dang project. Keeps dropping hints “you know if you wanted to continue this project I’d support you. I mean you already know how to use the instrument and I could get you keys to the lab from Deb.” “This could really be a thesis.” She and I talk about my job. She has this idea about strontium isotopes and we talk about it on a couple occasions. She says that if we did it, she’d take me with her to the lab where she does all her research. Fly out to Arizona in the summer. Between these conversations I got questions wrong on assignments and labs and exams. I said inelegant things. I thought she thought I was stupid.

I convinced myself. In spite of all evidence. That I was stupid and doing everything wrong. But I simultaneously became so sure that this was everything I wanted to do with my life. I have a post saved in my drafts from that semester. It says “I know what I want to do in my life. Geochemistry. Specifically isotope geochemistry. I love it and it’s all I want to do”. But I thought I wasn’t good enough while so desparate to be.

And it was all lies. I was lying to myself. I was too hard on myself.

It’s the first day of 2019. That august when I was almost crying over a box of rocks is two and a half years behind me. What’s happened since then?

The very next semester that professor called me into her office. She told me I was on the top of her list to join a project the Smithsonian contacted her about. I dove in. She flew me to Arizona and I did that lab work. I took that project to two professional conferences. At the first, I gave a poster. At the second, I had a 15 minute talk in the middle of a 4 hour session with 20 minutes for cumulative questions at the end. Every. Question. Was for me. I am first author on a peer reviewed scientific paper on that project.

She was thrilled to be my thesis advisor on a completely different project starting one year later. More isotope geochemistry. I flew to Arizona for a second time. That project had so many ups and downs. So many successes and failures. But it never got me down, truly. It was hard, but I never doubted that I could make it work through the frustrations and confusions. I’m getting honors on my senior research thesis. The department gave me not one but two awards for my research. I wrote and got fully funded three grants for that project.

I had the guts to apply for a research expedition to the remote arcitc. I got accepted. I went. It was hard. But incredible. Stunning. I presented that at a conference too. I’m writing my second peer reviewed publication now. I haven’t graduated from my undergrad.

Every single one of my professors individually approached me and told me I should be applying to a hyper-competitive national fellowship because they think I stand a real chance. I submitted my application in October. Fingers crossed till April!

I also took the rocks and minerals class. I was the teaching assistant for Geochemistry this past semester. The first time it’s been offered since I took it. The professor and I walked among the tables as students were struggling through their packets. I sat down with people and guided their eyes until they saw it. I shared my story with them. It resonated.

I’ve had a career/course request/grad school chat with probably every single junior and sophomore in the department because they come to me for advice. They recognize me as someone relatable but successful. That means everything to me.

And guess what? Here I am, applying to graduate school. In what? Isotope geochemistry. I was right, two and a half years ago, about one thing. Not that I was stupid or unworthy or incapable. Certainly not that my professor hated me. She’s said multiple times that she hates sitting through graduation but isn’t going to make any excuses this year because she needs to cry as I walk across the stage. I was right that isotope geochemistry is gonna be my life. I’ve already made it my life for two whole years. Every professor I’ve interviewed with has told me know impressive my research experience is. They wonder why I’m doing an M.S. and not a PhD. I emailed one the other day telling her I don’t plan on applying to her program because she can’t offer me an M.S., and she wished me the best and told me to get back in touch if I want a PhD after my M.S.

And guess what? I can look at myself in the mirror and say “you are amazing. Look what you’ve accomplished. I am proud of you and all that you’ve done. You are driven and strong and smart and take advantage of every last opportunity. You are deserving of everything you’ve achieved. You are loved, respected, and appreciated. Never doubt yourself. You’ve proved yourself.” And that is so so sweet. I’m still hard on myself, but it’s because I know I’m so capable. And it doesn’t get me down, it moves me forward. And it doesn’t stop me from acknowledging my accomplishments. That was my pitfall two and a half years ago.

So for 2019, I want a continuance. I will continue to be staunch and self-assured, even in the face of rejection. I will make the best decisions for myself because I wholly deserve it. I will be kind to myself. I have lots of great adventures in store. Lots to look forward to. So much potential. I speak this into existence in 2019. And I will practice it.

[periodicreviews]

RWBY/RTX Austin 2018

Last weekend, I went to RTX Austin which is Rooster Teeth’s annual convention. Last time I went in 2016, it was about primarily to try it out, but I was also interested in seeing the RWBY panel for the plan the staff had for the forthcoming Volume 4, the first without Monty. I was pleasantly surprised when I heard Jeff Williams would be performing a concert and this turned out to be the highlight. 

I skipped 2017 because there was no Jeff Williams concert and partially due to being disappointed with Volume 4.

I bet this year on the fact that Jeff would be coming back and that turned out to be a good choice because the show did not disappoint. I don’t think the 2016/first time experience can ever be topped, but this 2018 show was equally worth the money.

After the disappointment that was Volume 4 and the mediocre Volume 5, I wasn’t as hyped about RWBY, but I figured I should still go to RTX and see it since I’d be there anyway. But admittedly I was going more for the concert than anything else.

The following is a summary of the RWBY panel #1 on Friday, the JWFO concert and Q&A, and a few other things.

RWBY pre-panel

There were several things that stood out to me at this panel.

Before the panel began, two women came out on stage to warm up the crowd. (This was after Craig from GameAttack came out to ask for donations for the Extra Life charity stream that they do). I hate to reduce them to stereotypes because I don’t really know anything about them and don’t have anything against them, but it’s the easiest way to convey the scene. Girl #1 was cosplaying as Yang. She seemed to be a very energetic and outgoing type of person and I got the impression that she is trying to get hired by Rooster Teeth in a marketing/PR role. Girl #2 was wearing a RWBY dress and was the quieter kind of nerdy girl who had a little trouble speaking either due to nervousness or she just stutters when she talks. Girl #2 also had a bat wrapped with barbed wire, like from The Walking Dead which apparently someone just gave to her as a gift.

I bring up their appearances/personalities because they mentioned they had introduced several panels together, meaning that some organizer had put them together for some reason. There just didn’t seem to be any chemistry between the two. Girl #1 would start to go off on a PR line about how beautiful all the Yangs/cosplayers looked and Girl #2 would say “I like turtles”. She didn’t actually say “I like turtles” but I’m just trying to illustrate the kind of disconnect between them.

 “So amazing!”

Girl #1 repeated this phrase at least 20 times while she was on-stage. I get she was there to hype up RWBY and RT, but maybe she went a little too far. She made it sound like everything at RTX was the best thing ever, which I get for fans, it’s a very enjoyable experience and from a PR perspective that’s what you want to convey. This is no different from something like Electric Daisy Carnival where they really push the “You are loved”/“We are all friends” message as you bake for 12 hours in the sun.

“Proud of me yet dad?”

Girl #2 said this near the end of their time and it felt like it was one of the few genuine moments during that opening.

“RWBY is the most forward facing property that Rooster Teeth has.”

Girl #1 said this and it’s one of many things she said that made me think she was trying to get hired.

“Are you guys ready for the Yang-bang with Barb?”

I cringed at this. I was completely unaware that the group selfie with Barbra Dunkleman (the voice of Yang) and other Yang cosplayers was referred to as a Yang-bang (I looked it up and that is what she tagged it as in 2016). I get that RWBY is now dark and gritty and no longer a “kid-friendly” show per se. But phrasing the selfie like this seemed to be a little too casual pun on “gangbang”.

Besides this, they went through the usual crowd questions like “Who’s here to see RWBY?”, “How many people have been to RTX before?”, “Did you guys get your merch? Oh that merch is so great.”, etc.

RWBY main panel

Once the panel officially started, I was confused as to why, just like in 2016, everyone seems so unorganized/unprepared. Maybe they think it’s funny, but I’d much rather prefer just a concise 45 minutes of presenting/banter, with 15 min for question. Kerry is always like “Oh guys, where did I put that? Is this next? Is that later? Should we just do it now?”

They announced “RWBY After the Fall” a new set of YA novels from Scholastic. It makes sense that they’re exploring the RWBY universe but it does make me wonder whether the V4 timeskip was seen as more of a business opportunity or done more in service to what would make the story better.

The most shocking thing about the panel was the discussion about how the writing process is different for Volume 6. Kerry and Miles initially started to say “In the past” but then quickly altered course and said “Let’s not talk about how we used to do it, just how we’re doing it now.” They basically described how they are writing more than one draft/getting the opinions of other people in the company who have been on the RWBY team for a long time.

It was shocking that they are doing it just now in Volume 6. I can understand Volume 1 and 2 just being a product of Monty/Miles/Kerry and 3 can kind of get a pass. But before/during Volume 4 and 5, wasn’t there anyone that said “Hey, maybe we need to do something different”? Maybe they did and it didn’t work out like they hoped. I am glad to hear that they are trying to improve the process.

The other big thing they did was to show a new character short. This one focused on the villains, mainly the White Fang/Adam. The short featured at least one new Jeff Williams vocal track and some of the animation looked amazing. In general, the animation for V4 and beyond has been decent to good, but there aren’t many instances where it really blows me away.

The short shows Sienna Khan using a chain rope weapon against multiple enemies at the same time. The chain (with a blade at the tip) moves so fluidly and the combat has a real sense of rhythm to it. Sure, you can have the greatest animation in the world, but it doesn’t mean anything if the story isn’t there to match it. I’m willing to stick around some more to see if the script improves. They did also announce a new RWBY Co director and if this short was a product of his involvement, then I like what I’m seeing so far.

Jeff and Casey Williams Q&A

When tickets first went on sale, the only option to be on the floor was to pay 60 dollars for a poster, ticket, and Q&A with Jeff and Casey. I think afterwards, you could just buy the standalone ticket, but I didn’t want to risk not being on the floor.

I get that the concert is hosted by ACL and not by RTX, but you would think there would be a little more coordination between the two organizations given that the concert appears on the RTX schedule and the graphic says “RTX presents”. On Saturday afternoon, I tried to figure out when and where the Q&A would be held. The regular guardians didn’t know and referred me to their manager. I was told to contact the venue to find out and that RTX wasn’t in charge of the event. It was just weird that RTX staff didn’t seem interested in finding out for themselves. I would bet I was not the only person to ask someone at RTX for information about the concert. Additionally the guy in charge of coordination was apparently not at RTX that day so I guess maybe he would’ve known. I ended up getting an email at 4pm telling me to go to the venue at 6pm. But for anyone who didn’t see that email, they were pretty upset that they missed it.

When I got to the venue, one of the staff members saw my Babymetal shirt and asked if I had seen them at ACL. I said no, but that I had seen them elsewhere. From that guy’s reaction and some of the looks from the other staff members, it felt like they instantly had a level of respect towards me. Like they had seen how the fans of Babymetal were at the show and thought “hey, this guy knows his good music.” Maybe I read them completely wrong. It was a very bizarre feeling because few people know what Babymetal is and fewer can read my almost illegible shirt.

Jeff seemed like he didn’t enjoy the stress of having to put on a big show and seemed kind of bored or just tired? Maybe RWBY fatigue is setting in and he feels kind of trapped by the constraints of the show. He talked about wanting to retire and start his Rush Limbo side project, which is music by the band Rush set in all 4-4 time in a reggae style. Obviously someone had to be that guy to ask Casey if she was single. I realize the guy thinks he is being funny or has a chance, but I think you’d be far less likely to go out with someone after subjecting them to a question like that where they are obligated to give you a response.

They floated the idea of playing shows in other locations but that seemed to be constrained by the forces at Rooster Teeth. Or maybe they’re just concerned they aren’t big enough to make any money off a tour. Jeff recommended everyone read a book called “The War of Art” which is about overcoming yourself to create the thing you’ve always wanted but never finished.

JWFO concert

The concert itself was great, but got off to a late start.

I almost forgot about all the weird things that happened while waiting for the concert to start. Someone started a sing along to Bohemian Rhapsody and several other songs. I’ve experienced the Bohemian Rhapsody sing along before, but never at another concert. When they played Numb by Linkin Park as background music, everyone sang along to that too, which is something that I have seen at other concerts at Hard Rock/House of Blues. At one point some people in the crowd erupted in shouts of “Jason?!” which I can only assume was a Heavy Rain reference. Then the crowd started to cheer whenever any technician or photographer came on stage. Again, this is not something I experience at many/if any shows.

This super hype atmosphere is fine, until it turns into everyone trying to be a comedian while there’s either a break between songs, or when the musicians are conversing on stage. Someone said like “Rest in pieces Pyhrra” or something like that at one point and sure I can handle one or two jokes or the occasional shout out. But at the end of the day, I’m here to see the band, not the crowd. I don’t blame those people in the audience trying to get Jeff or Casey to notice them and to have that deeper connection, but it gets old after a while.

There seemed to be communication issues or just not enough time to practice the ordering of the songs. Richie Branson was incredible as an opening act. I’ve seen him three times before and he is great every time. I think a lot of the audience didn’t know who he was or that there would be an opening act, but he seemed to win everyone over by the end of the first song. Adrienne Cowan, Lamar Hall, and Lydia were great again on vocals during the main act.

There were sadly no solos sections like there were in 2016. I remember vividly the extended piano solo the keyboardist performed to lead into “When It Falls”. Jeff also didn’t crowd surf this year either. But I think they were just pressed for time. Casey still seems to struggle more on some songs than others, but she was frank during the Q&A that she has a long way to go and it’s a struggle to keep up at Berklee.

Highlights for me were “Ignite” and “Smile” off the Volume 5 soundtrack.

 Other things

I spent the majority of my time in the Vendor Room playing Rock Band 4. Harmonix was there because “This Will Be The Day” is now available as DLC. But with everyone playing the same song, I think they were grateful for anyone who wouldn’t play that. There were some talented players there and it just felt good to play Rock Band after not having done it with a group in a while. I think the people in the Rock Band line were some of the friendliest I met all weekend.

I felt like I struggled socially during the whole weekend. Maybe it’s just that most con-people aren’t very good at socializing. Or it’s just me or a byproduct of going alone. Everyone else staying at the hostel I was at was interested in talking though.

I went to see an improv comedy show at the Fallout Theater. The show was called “Penalty Box” and there were a set of rules that the audience knew but the performers didn’t. So every time they violated a rule, they would get sent to the penalty box and through trial and error they would figure out most of the rules. It’s entertaining as an audience member, but as someone who is taking improv classes, I recognize how painful it is for the performers. Some of the rules prevent you from doing things that you are taught to do, resulting in at least one scene where the performers just stood still on stage and didn’t talk.

The Mega64 panel was also very enjoyable. Arcade UFO is a pretty nice arcade with a lot of games you don’t normally see in the US. I also got to see a friend I haven’t seen in a while. I have mixed feelings about Troy Baker’s “TED” talk style panel, but I respect that it was not just “another Q&A” type panel.

 Maybe I’ll go back next year.

[bountyofbeads]

Inside Trump’s shutdown turnaround

https://wapo.st/2FPJyQ7

A fascinating summation of Trump's HISTORIC CAVE to @SpeakerPelosi WOMEN RULE 💪💪💪💪

Inside Trump’s shutdown turnaround

By Philip Rucker, Josh Dawsey & Seung Min Kim |

January 25 at 8:00 PM EST|

The Washington Post | Posted January 26, 2019 |

His poll numbers were plummeting. His FBI director was decrying the dysfunction. The nation’s air travel was in chaos. Federal workers were lining up at food banks. Economic growth was at risk of flatlining, and even some Republican senators were in open revolt.

So on Friday, the 35th day of a government shutdown that he said he was proud to instigate, President Trump finally folded. After vowing for weeks that he would keep the government closed unless he secured billions in funding for his promised border wall, Trump agreed to reopen it.

He got $0 instead.

Trump’s capitulation to Democrats marked a humiliating low point in a polarizing presidency and sparked an immediate backlash among some conservative allies, who cast him as a wimp.

Elected as a self-proclaimed master dealmaker and business wizard who would bend Washington to his will and stand firm on his campaign promises — chief among them the wall — Trump risks being exposed as ineffective.

“He was the prisoner of his own impulse and it turned into a catastrophe for him,” said David Axelrod, who was a White House adviser to President Barack Obama. “The House of Representatives has power and authority — and now a speaker who knows how to use it — so that has to become part of his calculation or he’ll get embarrassed again.”

Trump’s quest for at least some portion of a wall along the U.S.-Mexico border is not over, however. Friday’s agreement only temporarily reopens the government, providing a three-week ­period for Congress to negotiate a longer-term spending agreement. The president said he would continue advocating for his signature campaign promise and threatened to again shut down the government or declare a national emergency to use his unilateral powers to build the wall if Congress does not appropriate funding for it by Feb. 15.

“Let me be very clear: We really have no choice but to build a powerful wall or steel barrier,” Trump said Friday. He also tweeted in the evening that his decision “was in no way a concession.”

But when Trump stood alone in a bitter-cold White House Rose Garden on Friday afternoon to announce that the government was reopening with no money for the wall, he punctuated five weeks of miscalculation and mismanagement by him and his administration.

This account of Trump’s stymied pursuit of border wall funding is based on interviews with more than a dozen senior administration officials, Trump confidants and others briefed on internal discussions, many of whom requested anonymity to speak candidly.

For weeks, Trump has sought an exit ramp from the shutdown that would still secure wall funding, and for weeks his advisers failed to identify a viable one.

Trump repeatedly predicted to advisers that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) would cave and surmised that she had a problem with the more liberal members of her caucus. But she held firm, and her members stayed united.

“Why are they always so loyal?” Trump asked in one staff meeting, complaining that Democrats so often stick together while Republicans sometimes break apart, according to attendees.

As for their negotiations, Trump and Pelosi had not spoken since their Jan. 9 session in which the president stormed out of the White House Situation Room. In a meeting with some columnists on Friday, Pelosi was asked why she thought Trump had not created a more potent nickname for her than “Nancy.” She replied, according to a senior Democratic aide, “Some people think that’s because he understands the power of the speaker.”

Trump and his advisers misunderstood the will of Democrats to oppose wall funding. Jared Kushner, the president’s son-in-law, emerged as the most powerful White House adviser during the shutdown and told colleagues that Trump’s plan for $5.7 billion in wall funding would get Democratic votes in the Senate on Thursday, astonishing Capitol Hill leaders and other White House aides.

Kushner, who Trump jokingly says is to the “left,” pitched a broader immigration deal and had faith that he could negotiate a grand bargain in the coming weeks, according to people familiar with his discussions. He pitched a big deal to Latino groups this week and also with members of the Koch network, the people said.

Trump, who fretted about the shutdown’s impact on the economy and his personal popularity, cast about for blame and pointed fingers at his staff — including Kushner — for failing to resolve the impasse, according to aides.

At a meeting Wednesday with conservative groups, the president accused former House speaker Paul D. Ryan (R-Wis.) of having “screwed him” by not securing border wall money when Republicans had the majority, according to one attendee, Mark Krikorian, executive director of the Center for Immigration Studies. He said Ryan should have gotten him money before he left but he had no juice and had “gone fishing,” according to two attendees.

Ryan had warned the president against a shutdown and told him it would be politically disastrous, according to a person familiar with their conversations.

All the while, Trump vowed he would never capitulate to Democrats. At the Wednesday meeting, “he said there would be no caving,” Krikorian said. “Everybody who spoke up applauded him for not caving, but warned him that any further movement toward the Democrats’ direction would be a problem.”

White House aides had been monitoring Transportation Security Administration data on airport security delays and staffing levels several times a day. Officials said Thursday that the situation was worsening and would probably force the end of the shutdown.

But events at the Capitol on Thursday are largely what triggered Trump to conclude that he had run out of time and that he had to reopen the government, his aides said.

Trump lost control of his party as fissures emerged among exasperated Republican senators. Six of them voted Thursday for a Democratic spending bill, and others privately voiced frustration with Vice President Pence and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) during a closed-door, contentious luncheon.

“Everyone who saw the floor action realized we were basically at the same place where we began and we needed a different solution,” a White House official said of Thursday’s votes.

McConnell called Trump on Thursday to say that the shutdown could not hold because some of his members were in revolt. The president did not commit to ending it in that call, but he phoned McConnell back that evening to say he had concluded the shutdown had to end, according to a person with knowledge of the conversations.

Under attack from some Republican colleagues, McConnell told senators on Friday that Trump had come up with the idea for a three-week deal — and that the president would be announcing it.

When Rep. Peter T. King (R-N.Y.) visited the White House on Thursday, he said Trump was in a “pragmatic” mood, mentioning the failed Senate votes and saying he wanted to make a deal.

Pence and Kushner presented the president with several options that would reopen the government, according to a White House official. They included using his executive authority to declare a national emergency and redirect other public funds for the wall, an option Trump said Friday he was holding in reserve. Trump also briefly considered a commission that would study a wall, according to a senior administration official.

On Thursday night, the president grew annoyed at Mick Mulvaney when the acting White House chief of staff talked with him about policy prescriptions for the next three weeks and what an eventual deal might look like, according to one person familiar with the conversation.

Administration officials began immediately on this next phase; Mulvaney and Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen met privately with a handful of Republican senators at Camp David on Friday evening to start discussing what a border security agreement might look like, according to multiple people familiar with the gathering.

Ultimately, aides said, Trump was willing to table debate over wall funding because he is convinced he can win support from some Democratic lawmakers over the next three weeks.

Friday’s agreement allows for a conference committee made up of rank-and-file members from each party to negotiate border security funding, which White House aides said they believe will enable more flexibility than existed during Trump’s stalemate with Pelosi.

A senior White House official said the administration’s negotiating team has received “dozens of signals from Democrats that they are willing to give the president wall money,” but declined to name any such lawmakers.

The administration may have been referring to a letter written by freshman Rep. Elaine Luria (D-Va.) and signed by more than 30 House Democrats, which merely called for a vote on Trump’s border security proposal once the government reopens.

But “that vote would obviously fail in the House,” one senior Democratic aide pointed out. “This is just pathetic spin.”

Sen. Richard Blumenthal (D-Conn.) said, “The poll numbers tell a very stark story, but it’s only part of the more enduring longer-term effect on the president’s credibility. He essentially held America hostage for a vanity project and a campaign applause line that the American people saw clearly was never worth shutting down the government to achieve.”

Trump’s approval ratings have fallen in most public polls, including a Washington Post-ABC News survey released Friday that found 37 percent approve of his presidency and 58 percent disapprove.

Trump risks further angering independent voters who do not agree with the prolonged shutdown and conservatives who disapprove of him caving after 35 days with no win.

Conservative commentator Ann Coulter, whose criticism of Trump in mid-December helped inspire the president to shut the government in protest over wall funding, registered her disapproval of his Friday decision.

“Good news for George Herbert Walker Bush: As of today, he is no longer the biggest wimp ever to serve as President of the United States,” Coulter tweeted.

For months, Republican senators had been trying to warn Trump against a shutdown. Last June, Senate Appropriations Committee Chairman Richard C. Shelby (R-Ala.) and Sen. Shelley Moore Capito (R-W.Va.), the chamber’s point person on Homeland Security funding, met privately with Trump not only to tout their bipartisan border security spending package but also to nudge him away from a confrontation over the wall.

“I just said, ‘Shutdowns are miserable,’ ” Capito said Friday, recounting that Oval Office conversation. “The last one was miserable. And this one was double miserable, and so, you know, maybe you have to live through it to really get the sense of it.”

King faulted the conservative Freedom Caucus, led by Reps. Mark Meadows (R-N.C.) and Jim Jordan (R-Ohio), both Trump confidants, for steering the president in the wrong direction.

“I hope he ignores them for the next three weeks,” King said. “It’s the charge of the light brigade. It’s the valley of death.”