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becomewings · 4 years ago

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The Most Beautiful Moment in Life <I’M FINE>

BTS Universe Story Highlights, pt. 2 / 4

« pt. 1 | » pt. 3

Introduction

JungKook’s and YoonGi’s stories are the first of the paid content in BTS Universe Story and are substantially more detailed than the episodes covered in part 1. As this led to longer summaries (4.2k and 3k), I have added “tl;dr commentary” at the bottom of the post after a section of additional thoughts. This commentary summarizes the parenthetical asides I made throughout the summaries and may be of interest as standalone reading to those who have already played the game yet would like to review its connections to the BU texts and MVs.

Content warning: contains references to death, suicide, suicidal ideation, child abuse, domestic violence, blood, homicide, depression, trauma, PTSD

This guide contains major spoilers and includes references to other BU media

Do not repost, copy, or quote without permission

The Boy on the Threshold

In this story, SeokJin works to uncover the motivations behind JungKook’s nightly street wandering, instigation of fights with thugs, and decision to jump from the roof of a construction site. He was aware of the “darkness” within JungKook but never thought that he would give up on himself. SeokJin is determined to find a way to make JungKook think “I want to live” on his own.

In the afternoon on 11 April Year 22, SeokJin drives by the crosswalk outside Songju Jeil High School. Spotting a grim-faced JungKook, he gets out to greet him. JungKook visibly brightens and pelts him with question after question, finally finishing with, “But how come you’re here at school?” If the player chooses the response “I came to see you” rather than “I was in the neighborhood,” JungKook seems a little disbelieving due to the coincidental timing but nevertheless pleased. SeokJin offers him a ride, thinking that JungKook will not carry out that night’s actions from previous loops if he gets home right away. In the car, SeokJin reminisces aloud about the day they all met. On 3 March Year 19, all seven boys arrived late on the first day at Songju Jeil High School and were scolded outside by the Dean. (Aside from the absence of extra students, this scene looks very similar to the BTS Begins Middle Scene VCR, including the detail of YoonGi arriving last. This VCR predates official BU content.) When the Dean spotted SeokJin in their lineup, he reduced their punishment of community service for one month to just that afternoon. After classes, the boys cleaned the annex. The old classroom-turned-storage room became their secret hideout where they enjoyed various activities like dancing, playing the piano, and spending time with one another. JungKook appears happy as they chat about their school days, although in one path, his face falls after he remembers when he and YoonGi were caught in the annex. SeokJin is concerned, but JungKook insists, “It’s nothing.”

They say goodbye outside JungKook’s house, but SeokJin watches to make sure he goes inside. JungKook hesitates before ringing the bell at the gate. His mom answers, surprised and at a loss by his unexpected arrival. She asks him to come back later because his father’s relatives stopped by, and the intercom cuts off before he can answer. (His mother remarried, so this is really his step-father and family.) SeokJin wonders if JungKook has no one to lean on at school or at home and if this is why he wanders the streets at night. He asks JungKook where he wants to go now. “The beach… the one I went to with you guys,” JungKook answers, then says he’s kidding when SeokJin hesitates, thinking about the night ahead. SeokJin invites JungKook home instead, hoping to keep an eye on him before he needs to save NamJoon at the gas station.

In his bedroom, SeokJin hastily takes down the map and notes pinned on the wall of the boys’ incidents around the city. After letting JungKook inside, he shows him a box of photos from their time together in school. While JungKook browses, a notification on SeokJin’s phone reminds him of Songho Foundation’s inaugural ceremony that evening. Songho Foundation is a scholarship foundation funded by his maternal grandmother’s estate, and his father formally introduces him on this occasion. SeokJin also receives a call from his father’s long-time aide, a man he refers to as Uncle JunHo, who instructs him not to be late to the ceremony. Claiming it won’t take him long, SeokJin asks JungKook to stay there and wait for him to return. He is worried about leaving JungKook alone but also concerned that bringing him to the gas station after the ceremony will make him late to intervening in NamJoon’s incident.

In the lobby of the hotel hosting the Songho Foundation Inauguration Ceremony, SeokJin recognizes many important faces from around the city: Song JunHo, his father’s aide; Seo HyunJung, the city’s deputy mayor; the CEO of Youngjin Engineering & Construction Company; a professor from Munhyeon University; and the Jeil High School principal, Jo JinMyung. SeokJin doesn’t want to cross paths with the principal but is drawn into a conversation with him, the mayor, and his father, Kim ChangJun. “Assemblyman! Congratulations on the launch of the scholarship foundation,” Deputy Mayor Seo says to Kim ChangJun. “I hear that your son has been accepted to Munhyeon University? You must be happy that he’s attending your alma mater.” Kim ChangJun shakes his head. “He still has a lot to learn.” She remarks that everyone knows how well SeokJin has grown up and inquires about his career plans. The player is presented with three choices: “I haven’t decided yet,” “I want to become a good person,” and “I want to become someone like my father.” SeokJin’s father continues to look grim while the others chuckle in response to the first two answers, but his expression softens at the third, which SeokJin knew would not rub him the wrong way. Deputy Mayor Seo proposes to Assemblyman Kim that they establish a regular meeting to discuss community development, mentioning that it would be better if he could invite the city’s prominent citizens and give a speech. Assemblyman Kim agrees, telling his assistant Song JunHo to make note of it. The ceremony concludes, and the guests head towards the hotel’s restaurant. SeokJin is wary of his father’s watchful gaze but impatient to carry out the rest of the night’s plans. While his father is surrounded by other people, he informs Uncle JunHo that he has to leave to work on a group project. SeokJin slips out of the hotel and heads to NamJoon’s gas station.

While SeokJin is gone, one of the photos in the box catches JungKook’s eye. It shows the seven boys sitting on a wall with the ocean behind them. (This photo resembles the shot in Euphoria at 5’32” except that they appear to be wearing school uniform shirts and slacks.) A flashback retells the afternoon of 12 June Year 19 when the boys cut school early and visited the sea, trudging over 3 kilometers under the scorching sun to find a boulder that is rumored to make your dreams come true. (The date is not specified in the game, but the memory closely follows this set of entries in The Notes 1.) Everyone collapses in disappointment when they can’t find the rock at its designated location. JungKook is tired but not as disappointed as the others—just walking there with them is enough for him, even though he often feels uncertain of his place among the group. He gets up on the pier railing, reflecting: “I’ve always liked walking on the edge of walls or on top of lines. Focusing on centering my gravity means that I don’t really think of anything else, and the boundary—not quite a part of either place—always felt like where I should be.” Balancing precariously, JungKook walks until someone grabs his arm. YoonGi scolds him not to do this. JungKook assures him that he will not fall but privately thinks: “YoonGi would often grab my arm when I walked on railings. The others would look after me, too, after seeing him do that. I liked their helping hands. It felt like they were telling me that I should go to them. That this wasn’t my place. Maybe their hands were why I walked on the railings.”

The story returns to the present in SeokJin’s perspective. He rushes back to his room after saving NamJoon and finds JungKook asleep, leaning against the bed with the photos still scattered around him. Feeling both relief and regret, SeokJin quietly coaxes JungKook to lay down and sleep more comfortably. JungKook wakes up and says he should go home after hearing that it’s past ten o’clock. The game cuts briefly to SeokJin’s father in his study with his aide. Kim ChangJun asks Song JunHo to fetch SeokJin, as he needs to know what goes on for the foundation. JunHo says that SeokJin must be entertaining a guest for the group project because he spotted an unfamiliar pair of shoes in the entryway.

Back in his bedroom, SeokJin is startled when his father knocks on the door. It’s rare for his father to visit the second floor of their home, so he let his guard down while chatting with JungKook. “F-Father.” Stammering, SeokJin flinches and gathers up the scattered photos. “Did you leave the ceremony early to waste time like this? Even lying to say you were doing a school project?” asks Kim ChangJun. His cold and reproachful stare suffocates SeokJin. When his father’s eyes scan to JungKook standing awkwardly at the side, SeokJin is plunged into a childhood memory. On 10 October Year 9, 9-year-old SeokJin hid a school friend who was being chased by scary men in his bedroom. His father arrived and asked if the boy was Mr. Choi’s son, saying people had come to take him. When Kim ChangJun ordered him to “be a good boy,” SeokJin froze and was powerless to stop his friend from being handed over. The following day, SeokJin was told his friend transferred schools. (This event is also depicted as the first entry of The Notes 1.) In the present, SeokJin struggles to think of an explanation, smothered by that memory and his father’s pressuring stare. JungKook timidly speaks up. “I was only here to visit for a short while. I was actually about to head home. Hey, I’ll go now.” SeokJin knows he can’t leave him alone yet and finally forces himself to move. “Father, I… I’m going to go out for a little while.” He runs outside, but JungKook is already gone.

The story cuts to JungKook’s perspective as he arrives in a familiar alleyway. He is thankful that SeokJin was so considerate to him but feels that he shouldn’t have gone to his home since it made things more complicated for his friend. “YoonGi even got expelled because of me… Why do I always mess things up for the people around me?” JungKook thinks. The player is presented the choice to either text SeokJin or call YoonGi. In the first path, SeokJin calls JungKook while he is mid-text and says that he’ll come pick him up, but JungKook declines, thanks him, and hangs up. In the second path, JungKook fiddles with his phone, wondering if YoonGi will be annoyed or even answer. He remembers when they crossed paths a few days earlier. On 7 April Year 22, JungKook heard a familiar tune while roaming the dark streets and saw YoonGi playing piano through a broken window of a music shop. YoonGi stopped and eventually staggered out of the shop without noticing JungKook reaching out to him. JungKook tried to play the music by memory, and suddenly YoonGi returned—just like their days at the classroom. (Note: In his 7 April Year 22 entry of The Notes 1, YoonGi is drunk and stumbling by an empty construction site when he recognizes a clumsy piano tune that he’d been playing “not long ago.” But when he runs to the music shop and finds JungKook, the text does not indicate that he remembers this is his second visit to the shop this evening. Additionally, the Wings short film First Love seems to reference some of the events of this night—or evokes YoonGi’s distorted memories of it, mingled with a representation of JungKook’s later accident.)

In the present (11 April), JungKook wonders if YoonGi is doing well. He has thought about him since their chance encounter but doesn’t have the courage to call him first. (The narrative paths rejoin here.) JungKook wonders where he should go now yet doesn’t want to think about anything. He stops in the middle of the road, and a passing car’s headlights make him dizzy. SeokJin arrives in the distance and shouts his name, but JungKook just thinks, “One more step from here. Just one more step, and everything ends.” He steps in front of the honking car. SeokJin calls him in the distance, and JungKook feels everything slip farther away. The glass shatters and the loop resets.

Awakening once more on the morning of 11 April, SeokJin vows to protect JungKook until the end. The memory of arriving too late as JungKook threw himself in front of the car reminds him of how he was also unable to protect his childhood friend when he was 9. He needs to devise a new plan, since JungKook practically ran out of the house when confronted by Kim ChangJun. The story cuts to that evening, with JungKook looking at the photo in SeokJin’s bedroom. This time, SeokJin ignores his phone’s buzzing reminder about Songho Foundation’s inaugural ceremony. He asks JungKook where he’d like to get next and, when he doesn’t have any ideas, offers him a tour of the university campus.

JungKook seems happier looking around the campus, the cherry blossoms in full bloom. SeokJin uses this opportunity to ask him if anything is on his mind and if school is going well. JungKook answers nonchalantly, but SeokJin remembers how grim he looked at the school crosswalk that afternoon. He asks if JungKook still hangs out with the other guys. “HoSeok and TaeHyung are working part-time jobs. The others… I’m not sure,” JungKook answers, expression darkening. SeokJin wonders if he shouldn’t have brought it up but still presses him. “How come? You should talk to them from time to time.” “But it’s because of me,” says JungKook. “The reason why YoonGi was expelled… It was because he was trying to protect me.”

SeokJin either responds “It’s not your fault” or “Don’t think that way.” Following the first choice, JungKook insists, “No, it’s my fault. YoonGi wouldn’t have talked back to the teacher if I wasn’t there.” SeokJin shakes his head. “No, you couldn’t really do anything given the situation.” JungKook replies that he should have at least apologized and that he never had the chance to tell YoonGi he was sorry. “That’s how you felt, huh… I should’ve done more. I’m sorry,” SeokJin apologizes. JungKook shakes his head with a smile, but SeokJin knows that he doesn’t understand what he really meant. (Per events in The Notes 1, it is technically SeokJin’s fault that the teacher found them in the classroom.) If the second dialogue choice, “Don’t think that way,” is chosen, JungKook questions, “How could I? When it was because of me.” “No…” SeokJin is not brave enough to say that he’s the one to blame. The camera (i.e. the animation) starts wobbling as though SeokJin’s vision is swimming. “SeokJin?” asks JungKook in concern. “I should’ve done more. I’m sorry.” The episode ends with the same dialogue and animation of JungKook shaking his head with a smile, except that in the second path the camera is still wobbling from SeokJin’s perspective. (This is the only episode I noted in the game that has a slight difference in endings based on the player’s final choice, although it is essentially cosmetic.)

Episode 5 opens with a more detailed memory of 11 June Year 20 from JungKook’s perspective. The high school was holding an open house for parents. Not wanting to stay in a classroom, he wandered off and heard piano music drifting from the annex. JungKook slipped into their classroom hideout and settled down to listen. YoonGi continued to play without acknowledging him. The music helped calm JungKook—it seemed as though YoonGi understood how he felt and was trying to console him. The sound cut off abruptly as the door slammed open. “You rascals! What are you doing here?!” the Dean of Students demanded. He slapped JungKook, knocking him down. A flurry of verbal abuse poured over his crumpled form. YoonGi shoved the teacher’s shoulder and stepped in front of JungKook. “Wow, look at this kid… You put your hands on a teacher? You better be prepared, Min YoonGi.” With that ominous threat, the Dean departed. JungKook spoke from the floor. “Hey, sorry for making you—” “It’s nothing,” YoonGi cut in. JungKook wondered why he helped him. It was the first time someone had protected him, and he believed that he would never forget the view of YoonGi’s back. YoonGi asked why JungKook was smiling. “I don’t know.” Still smiling, JungKook touched his throbbing cheek. YoonGi stared at him before breaking into his own smile and sitting down next to him. They sat there wordlessly for some time. The feeling of growing closer to YoonGi made JungKook feel giddy the rest of the day. But YoonGi did not come to school the following day, and two weeks later, he was formally expelled. (The encounter with the teacher and YoonGi’s subsequent expulsion are also referenced in JungKook and YoonGi’s 25 June Year 20 entries in The Notes 1.)

In a brief interlude in the present (11 April at the university campus), SeokJin reflects again that he does not have the courage to confess to JungKook the real reason why they drifted apart. He walks with his eyes trained on the ground until JungKook calls for him to look at the cherry blossoms floating in the wind. The scene cuts to 30 September Year 20 for another of JungKook’s school memories. He stood outside the school’s annex, reflecting that his friends probably didn’t know that he went there every day. Although school was a place he found awkward and unfamiliar, their hideout was a space for him that put him at ease. On that day however, only HoSeok was inside the classroom, gathering up the items they’d left behind. JungKook realized that the time they spent together was now a memory and would never return again. (This is also an entry in The Notes 1.) Back in the present, SeokJin notices that JungKook looks grim once more and tries to improve his mood by asking if they should go to the beach. JungKook privately wonders: “Do you think YoonGi would go? And no one knows what’s going on with JiMin. Will we really be able to go together like we did then?” Holding up his pink camera, SeokJin says they should take a picture to commemorate the evening. They’re both smiling in the photo, and he hopes that they’ll all smile together again one day. After their campus tour, SeokJin walks JungKook home, ignoring the many calls he receives from his father’s assistant JunHo.

At the crosswalk outside the high school the next day (12 April), SeokJin reflects that staying with JungKook instead of attending the inauguration ceremony seemed like a good choice. He prevented JungKook from jumping off the building and stopped NamJoon’s incident too. But SeokJin wants to keep an eye on JungKook for a few days. While he’s waiting, the principal Jo JinMyung approaches and greets him, asking what brings him to the school. SeokJin tries to excuse himself, but the principal brings up the ceremony. “I thought you’d be there, but you weren’t. Did something happen? Why weren’t you there?” Caught off guard, SeokJin either answers vaguely (“I had something important to do”) or honestly (“A friend had an emergency and I couldn’t attend”). JungKook joins them slowly during the exchange, and the principal seems a little suspicious regardless of the player’s choice. In the “honest” path, he adds, “Next time, think about what's truly important before acting.” The paths rejoin when the principal smiles pointedly and mentions that he should call the Assemblyman soon. SeokJin wonders if Jo JinMyung intends to tell his father that he was with JungKook. Kim ChangJun did not approve of the time SeokJin spent with his friends even in school. “Father thinks it’s useless to have human relationships that don’t help you succeed.” When he and JungKook are in his car, SeokJin notices that the principal ominously watches them pull away.

Later that day, SeokJin meets with his father in his office. Kim ChangJun looks exhausted. Though they’re similar heights, to his son he seems like a massive grey wall. “Why didn’t you attend the inauguration ceremony yesterday?” he asks. SeokJin either lies (“A professor asked me to do something last minute”) or answers honestly (“A friend had an emergency and I couldn’t attend”). The ultimate result is the same: Kim ChangJun speaks after a long moment of silence. “The one thing I want from you is for you to be a good son.” “Yes,” says SeokJin. “I don’t think it’s a difficult task. You may leave.” As he exits, SeokJin hears him call Song JunHo and worries that his flimsy excuse will fall apart. Running into the principal may have made matters worse too. Despite his uneasiness, SeokJin has no choice but to keep going and trust that everything will work out. While NamJoon and JungKook are safe for now, he wonders if he can be a person for JungKook to lean on for comfort whenever he needs it so that he will not resort to such an extreme decision again.

SeokJin visits JungKook after school every afternoon the following days. On 15 April, JungKook asks if it’s okay for him to come like this every day. SeokJin assures him, “Yeah. I come to see you because I want to.” He observes that JungKook still seems to take social cues from him rather than acting comfortably, so he encourages him to either pick what they do next or where they should go eat. On 19 April, however, JungKook does not appear at the school gates. SeokJin tries calling him, only to learn that the number isn’t in service. Someone shouts his name, and HoSeok emerges from the Twostar Burger across from the school. “I had heard you were back, but I didn’t think I’d see you here in front of the school.” HoSeok digs a piece of paper out of his pocket, explaining that JungKook stopped by earlier. “He said he’s switching schools.” SeokJin asks where, but HoSeok doesn’t know. This has never happened before in a loop, and SeokJin wonders if he caused it. HoSeok hands over the paper, which JungKook requested be given to SeokJin. It’s a drawing of the cherry blossom tree they saw together, with a thank you note written at the bottom. SeokJin hopes that his suspicions aren’t correct.

Hunting for clues to JungKook’s whereabouts, SeokJin visits Jeil High School’s administrative office the next day (20 April). He receives slightly more information if he acts like he knows the Director of Administration, but as the student records are confidential, the man only reveals that JungKook transferred to a boarding school. On 30 April, SeokJin is summoned to his father’s office. Kim ChangJun asks him to sit down and continues speaking with his aide, Song JunHo. He confirms an upcoming appointment with the Deputy Mayor before asking, “Oh, did you take care of that incident?” “Yes. Do you mean the one concerning the Jeil High student?” JunHo responds. “I’ve taken care of the issue with the student.” Heart racing, SeokJin realizes that his father was behind JungKook’s transfer and deliberately let it slip as a warning to him. On their way out, Uncle JunHo adds, “SeokJin. You do know how difficult it was because you didn’t attend the inauguration, right?” SeokJin promises that he’ll be at the next meeting. Back in his bedroom, he decides that he made the wrong choice in this loop. He wanted to be someone JungKook could always come to, but instead he pushed him farther away. HoSeok calls him at that moment. Voice wavering, he relays that JungKook has disappeared. Some of his classmates stopped by the restaurant that day, inquiring if anyone talks to him often.

The story cuts back to 25 April with JungKook in class at his new school. His mom likes the dormitory here, and he suspects that she feels more comfortable without him at home. School, home, the dorms—he doesn’t belong in any of those places. While pairing up the students, the teacher notices that they have an odd number now and asks JungKook where he wants to go. He closes his eyes and remembers a voice: “JungKook, let’s all go to the ocean.” He thinks, “I want to go…” The scene jumps to JungKook walking towards the ocean shore. The glass shatters.

SeokJin opens his eyes on the morning of 11 April. He wonders what caused the loop to reset and assumes something must have happened to JungKook after he transferred schools. Again, he could not keep his promise of getting them all to the ocean. The episode ends with SeokJin sitting atop the seaside observatory at sunset. (This is a key location on 22 May Year 22, recurring in The Notes and depicted in the HYYH On Stage: Prologue short film and Euphoria MV. It looks the same in the game.) SeokJin ruminates on what may have happened to JungKook and where events started going wrong. He thought he could be the person JungKook needed to lean on, but he failed. This arc concludes with him wondering: “Was my method wrong? Or is it not supposed to be me? Maybe… If the person who’s supposed to console JungKook’s scars and be there for him isn’t me… Then, who can save JungKook?”

The End of His Gaze

SeokJin’s main challenge in saving YoonGi is the unpredictability of his actions between loops. The opening of this story is no different. On 2 May Year 22, SeokJin chases YoonGi after he leaves his workroom with a heavy bag but loses sight of him in the streets. As soon as he picks the nearest motel, black smoke pours from one of its windows. (The sign matches the motel in YoonGi’s scenes of the I Need U MV.) YoonGi ignores the commotion outside the room’s locked door. Once again, SeokJin is too late, and the glass shatters, resetting the loop.

Waking in his bedroom on 11 April, SeokJin considers how YoonGi backs himself into a corner no matter how or when he tries to intervene. It’s different from the incident with NamJoon because no outside person or situation is involved. SeokJin realizes that if YoonGi’s struggle and variables that make his decision so unpredictable are within him, then the only way he can stop YoonGi is by truly understanding him. He takes out his old camcorder from high school, hoping its footage may reveal some clues. In the first video clip he plays, YoonGi is off in the corner of their classroom hideout drawing music staves but speaks up to tell HoSeok and TaeHyung not to play a prank on JiMin. SeokJin wonders if YoonGi still writes music and remembers the piano in his workroom. In the second video, TaeHyung quibbles with NamJoon, who is tired yet refuses to take a nap until YoonGi pushes some desks together and tells him to lie down. SeokJin focuses on YoonGi for the rest of the video, but he is either motionless or off camera. He finds a similar challenge within his photographs: he has less than ten solo photos of YoonGi, and though his face is visible in group pictures, he is never looking at the camera. Still perusing the photos, SeokJin overhears voices from the camcorder. “It being here is a secret. Okay?” TaeHyung whispers to YoonGi. “What’s a secret?” SeokJin in the recording asks. TaeHyung and YoonGi, standing by the piano, both whip around. TaeHyung dismisses it as nothing and shushes YoonGi when he asks, “Why are you hiding something like that?” In the present, SeokJin wonders what they hid in the classroom and decides that it’s worth investigating in case it can help him save YoonGi.

On 15 April, SeokJin visits their old classroom hideout at Jeil High School, which is still being used as a storage room. The player can choose from a total of four locations to explore, provided they select the piano last. SeokJin identifies his father’s name alongside the message “Everything started from here” on the graffitied wall (he first saw this note in his 25 June Year 19 entry from The Notes 1). Even after thoroughly examining the piano, he does not find YoonGi and TaeHyung’s secret or anything else useful. Uneasy at leaving YoonGi alone for so long, SeokJin leaves the school and parks in front of his friend’s workroom. YoonGi appears to be safely inside, so SeokJin browses through the old video files on his camcorder and finds one that continued recording after he thought he had pressed the stop button. Listening to his and YoonGi’s voices, he recalls a forgotten memory of the day they walked out of school together.

The majority of episode 3 plays through a memory of an afternoon that SeokJin and YoonGi walked out of school together (date unspecified; this event is also referenced in YoonGi’s 2 August Year 22 entry from The Notes 2 and the similar Note accompanying Map of the Soul: 7). SeokJin receives a text summoning him to the principal’s office. The office is empty yet suffocating when he arrives. Principal Jo JinMyung arrives and apologizes for making SeokJin wait. SeokJin looks down, heart suddenly heavy. The scene cuts to YoonGi entering the storage classroom as he thinks about all the days he doesn’t feel like going home. It’s not a comfortable place for him, yet there’s nothing for him at the school either, except for the group’s hideout. He feels awkward in the oddly quiet room and puts some sheet music on the piano’s rack. But when he thinks about how no one is there requesting songs from him, he can’t bring his hands up to the keys. The flashback transitions back to SeokJin’s perspective following his meeting with the principal. As expected, the principal wanted him to report on YoonGi’s behavior. SeokJin spoke carefully so as not to tip him off about anything, but he hears internal whispers calling himself a hypocrite even when he’s laughing with his friends. Fretting over how much longer he can protect YoonGi, SeokJin runs into him at the classroom hideout’s door. He hopes YoonGi doesn’t notice how flustered he is, but YoonGi doesn’t say anything beyond confirming that he’s heading home. SeokJin tries to strike up a conversation as they walk out together, but the conversation awkwardly fizzles out whether he brings up food or the weather. YoonGi points out that his phone is buzzing, and SeokJin’s camcorder falls from his bag as he looks for it. YoonGi waves him off when SeokJin films him to test that it still works. He sheepishly lowers the camcorder and forgets to turn it off. YoonGi breaks the uncomfortable silence when they are almost across the field. “Is something up? You didn’t look very happy earlier.” Heart pounding, SeokJin tries to laugh off this sharp question with an excuse, but YoonGi stares straight at him. “You’re awkward too, SeokJin.” “What is?” “Your laugh.” YoonGi pauses before continuing, “When was the last time you genuinely laughed?”

The scene fades back to the present in SeokJin’s car (15 April). He can’t make out the rest of their conversation in the recording or remember what he answered. He wonders why YoonGi asked him that. SeokJin was always tense then, afraid that his friends would learn of his meetings with the principal. Did the others notice, too? While he’s lost in these thoughts, someone outside shouts, “Fire!” Flames erupt from YoonGi’s workroom. Realizing he should have focused on YoonGi and not the video, SeokJin runs into the building. As he tries to open the locked door, he hears the glass shatter.

The fourth episode opens on the night of 11 April with SeokJin watching JungKook and YoonGi walk away from the construction site and towards NamJoon’s container. A few days later, SeokJin spots JungKook on the sidewalk on his way to YoonGi’s workroom. When asked where he’s going, JungKook avoids his gaze and replies, “I was just… walking around.” SeokJin knows this is because he has nowhere to go. Not wanting JungKook to keep wandering and remembering that he was once close with YoonGi, SeokJin invites him along. The perspective switches to JungKook as they enter the workroom. It reeks of alcohol, and YoonGi is fast asleep among empty bottles. “YoonGi… will be okay, right?” he asks. SeokJin picks up the bottles without responding. A memory from their school days occurs to JungKook. TaeHyung chased him around their classroom hideout, trying to snatch his sketchbook and succeeding when JungKook found his escape unintentionally blocked by YoonGi standing in the doorway. JungKook was dismayed when YoonGi called TaeHyung over to the piano so they could look at it together, but then YoonGi deceived TaeHyung and threw the sketchbook to JungKook. In the present, SeokJin doesn’t want to waste time while YoonGi sleeps. He taps a lost-in-thought JungKook on the shoulder and says they should leave, but JungKook responds that he will stay until YoonGi wakes.

Back again at the classroom hideout, SeokJin hunts further around the piano. He uses an old mop handle to fish out a piece of paper from underneath it. The hidden secret turns out to be TaeHyung’s abysmal math test. Dejected, SeokJin slumps to the floor. On this level, he notices a small handle on the piano’s lower panel and uses it to pop off the cover. Faded music sheets are wedged into the piano’s frame. A phrase on one of them catches SeokJin’s eye. (함께 라면 웃을 수 있다 : The Korean is not translated in game, but Google translates it as “if we are together, we can laugh.” This recurring phrase is instead translated as “we can laugh when we’re together” in The Notes 2. In YoonGi’s 2 August Year 22 entry, he also reflects on finding the note written in the margins of the music scores he took from the classroom. The handwriting isn’t his own. Additionally, a similar sentiment is expressed in a line of You Never Walk Alone, which is the basis for one of the BU-inspired Graphic Lyrics books.)

This message reminds SeokJin of YoonGi’s question: “When was the last time you genuinely laughed?” “This moment is the answer to that question,” he thinks, initiating a flashback to 20 March Year 19. The boys gathered around HoSeok in the classroom, chattering excitedly about the new club he’s leading. TaeHyung jokingly called him “Mr. President.” HoSeok told him only members could call him that before asking YoonGi if he wanted to join. “I’ll allow you to join without an audition, but only you.” TaeHyung exclaimed that he was just trying to get YoonGi to call him president. “Oh, it was obvious?” HoSeok chuckled. “Acting up again, huh?” YoonGi spoke up from the corner. The memory fades, returning to a pensieve SeokJin. He clearly remembers YoonGi’s face as he laughed with the others. “When did we stop laughing? Did it start that day, when I ruined everything?” SeokJin wonders. “It’s my fault,” he says aloud, standing there with the sheet music in hand until the sun begins to set. (Note: the date of the memory may be a typo. On 20 March Year 20 in The Notes 1, TaeHyung overheard SeokJin in the classroom informing the principal of the trouble he and YoonGi had gotten into. SeokJin realized that NamJoon heard it but not TaeHyung, who remained hidden out of sight and then pretended not to know. It’s not impossible that this memory really occurred in March Year 19, but most of them had only met at the beginning of that month.)

On the night of 15 April, SeokJin follows YoonGi at a distance from his workroom to an alleyway bar. (It is possible but not entirely clear that this is the same day SeokJin found the sheet music at the classroom, which is why I did not specify the date earlier.) It appears that YoonGi visits this bar often since the owner asks him if he has money today. SeokJin sits at a table behind YoonGi and watches him knock back shot after shot. Deciding that he shouldn’t leave him alone any longer, SeokJin musters up the courage to join him. YoonGi doesn’t look surprised to see him. He smiles before looking down again. SeokJin attempts a natural conversation to catch up. YoonGi asks why he didn’t come along the night when everyone got together at NamJoon’s container. “It’s been awhile since we’ve all seen each other, and JungKook… Never mind. You were probably busy.” SeokJin apologizes and inquires how JungKook is doing, then turns the same question on YoonGi when he replies that he doesn’t know. “Anything new with you?” SeokJin presses when YoonGi avoids his gaze. “Well, as you can see.” YoonGi dodges a direct answer.

The restaurant owner brings them a second glass. They are quiet in a restaurant full of chatter. SeokJin brings up the past to break the awkward silence, asking if YoonGi remembers the day they walked out of high school together. “Why do you ask?” says YoonGi. SeokJin explains that he remembered what YoonGi said to him that afternoon. “I want to ask you the same thing you asked me then.” SeokJin is nervous but continues, not wanting to waste this opportunity. “When was the last time you genuinely laughed?” YoonGi is silent for a moment. “Who knows.” SeokJin encourages him to think about it. “What good is it whether I remember or not? It wouldn’t change things now, even if I remembered.” YoonGi’s refusal to express his feelings upsets SeokJin more than his indifferent tone. “I just wish he would open up to me so I could figure out… anything. If only I could tell him,” SeokJin thinks. His internal narration continues over a shot of him in high school looking at his phone: “Or maybe… If I went back further in time, mustering up the courage to protect my friends, and prevented YoonGi from being expelled. If I did, maybe now we’d be…” “What’s with that expression?” YoonGi’s voice snaps him into the present, and he stares at SeokJin the way he had when they walked home from school. “Nothing, just… I feel like it’s been a while since I last saw you and I’m wasting time with useless subjects. It’s nothing—” SeokJin tries to laugh it off, but YoonGi interrupts. “You’re the same as always… There’s something there in your expression, but you say that it’s nothing.” This remark hits hard, rendering SeokJin speechless.

YoonGi’s words echo in SeokJin’s head even after he arrives home later that night. How did YoonGi notice what SeokJin thought he kept well-hidden? He once viewed YoonGi as someone who was indifferent to the world and trying to distance himself from everything. It dawns on SeokJin that he is mistaken. He opens his camcorder, hoping to see something new with this changed perspective. A recording plays in which he, YoonGi, and JungKook are the only ones present in the classroom hideout. When YoonGi starts playing piano, JungKook gets up from the desk and carefully stands by him. YoonGi doesn’t seem bothered and continues to play. Suddenly, he stops. “You wanna try?” In the present, SeokJin wonders why he asks JungKook that out of the blue and replays the footage, feeling like he missed something. This time, he notices that JungKook begins chewing his nails before YoonGi asks him. “Can I?” says JungKook. “Why not? It’s not my piano or anything. You can play if you want to.” At YoonGi’s words, the color returns to JungKook’s face and his hands drop from his mouth. SeokJin watches a little more of the video. As the recorded YoonGi patiently corrects JungKook’s wrong notes, he realizes that YoonGi doesn’t merely ask JungKook to play on a whim but out of respect for him.

SeokJin turns his attention to his box of photos. The player can choose up to three to examine. SeokJin realizes that YoonGi is a little further behind the group and not looking at the camera not because he feels left out or is avoiding attention, but because he is always watching how they are all together. YoonGi knows us very well, he thinks. He stopped JungKook from biting his nails by asking him to play the piano rather than acknowledging it directly. He saw through SeokJin and recognized when his laughter wasn’t genuine, even after several years apart. SeokJin thought that YoonGi wanted to give up everything, would never open up to anyone, and experienced feelings that were impossible for him to understand. “But if we were the ones to make YoonGi laugh… It may be possible to save YoonGi,” SeokJin reflects. With more determination, he vows to save him. “I’ll save him no matter what, because we can laugh when we’re together.”

SeokJin visits YoonGi every day after their meeting at the bar, responding that he’s making time to see him when asked if all university students have this much free time. They grow more accustomed to each other’s company, but SeokJin’s glimmer of hope fades as alcohol and aimless wandering continues to fill YoonGi’s life. Since just visiting YoonGi’s workroom seems meaningless, on 24 April SeokJin decides to show him the sheet music he found in the hideout, hoping it will encourage him to resume songwriting. Upon seeing the music, YoonGi has a flashback to 25 June Year 20, the day he received the school expulsion notice. He ran immediately to the classroom and played the piano as though possessed. The anger refused to settle. He shoved all of his sheet music into the piano and vowed to never play the piano again. In the present, YoonGi asks, “Where’d you find this?” At his cold expression, SeokJin wonders what he’s done wrong and explains aloud that he just happened to find it in the hideout’s piano. The papers fall from YoonGi’s hand, scattering across the floor. “Leave,” he spits. “What? Min YoonGi, what’s going on?” SeokJin asks. YoonGi shoves him. “Just leave.” “Don’t do this, let’s talk for a moment,” SeokJin tries again. But YoonGi replies, “I have nothing to say to you.”

YoonGi avoids him after that. On 25 April, SeokJin calls him numerous times without any answer and finds only torn sheet music and empty bottles in his workroom. He remembers YoonGi’s last words to him and says aloud, “It can’t be. No way.” An ominous thought crosses his mind, but he forces it out to focus on recalling something from memory. The story cuts to him running down a street, trying to figure out where YoonGi went to set the fire in the last loop. (It is never clarified what SeokJin’s “ominous thought” is—it may refer to YoonGi setting a fire or possibly even a suspicion that YoonGi figured out SeokJin was involved in his expulsion.) SeokJin finds the same motel (the one with the sign like in the I Need U MV) and rushes upstairs in a cold sweat. Faced with a hallway of identical doors, he doesn’t know how to locate YoonGi’s room. Whether the player chooses for him to call out to YoonGi or “think of something else” (which results in him pulling the fire alarm), the result is ultimately the same. SeokJin forces open the last closed door with a fire extinguisher, but the room is empty. Filled with regret, SeokJin wonders what he has done wrong. “Like an idiot, I… I knew that the location and method of YoonGi’s attempt could change, and yet…”

“Fire!” someone yells. The motel across the street erupts in flames. “No! Please…” SeokJin begs, falling to his knees. “How can I stop this tragedy? … Am I not enough to stop it?” The story ends as he hears the glass shatter once again.

Additional Thoughts

For me, JungKook’s arc really draws back the curtain on SeokJin’s private life. It demonstrates SeokJin’s challenge to balance saving his friends and maintaining his own daily life, particularly fulfilling the duties that fall to him as a prominent assemblyman’s son. We see little of this side of him until The Notes 2, when his perspective has already drastically changed.

JungKook’s reflection about his habit of walking along the edges of walls is an interesting moment of self-awareness. This “tightrope-walking” is depicted frequently in the MVs.

The car accident and loop reset at the beginning of JungKook’s 4th episode suggests the possibility that the I Need U MV depicts JungKook deliberately stepping in front of the oncoming car rather than accidentally. (Maybe people have already interpreted it this way, but personally the thought had never occured to me due to how it’s shot and acted.) The car accident is a recurring theme in the loops for JungKook, particularly as he is struck the night of 22 May and comes to believe that it was SeokJin who hit him.

This internal dialogue of SeokJin’s from YoonGi’s arc gives me a lot to think about: “If I went back further in time, mustering up the courage to protect my friends, and prevented YoonGi from being expelled. If I did, maybe now we’d be…” SeokJin’s first experiences of the time loops are depicted in the Save Me Webtoon. At that time, he believes that 11 April is the date that he can begin fixing things, but it’s not clear if this ability granted by the cat-like creature truly gives him control over to which date the loop resets. (It is more obvious that he cannot control what triggers the reset itself.) Does he ever go back earlier? Only *ahem* time will tell, but if you want some more food for thought, please check out these interesting quotes that occur before 11 April Year 22.

As mentioned above, the following “tl;dr” commentary summarizes the parenthetical notes I provided in the summaries in case you want to review them on their own.

The Boy on the Threshold — tl;dr commentary

SeokJin’s flashback to 3 March Year 19, when all seven boys arrived late on the first day at Songju Jeil High School and were scolded outside by the Dean, looks very similar to the BTS Begins Middle Scene VCR (aside from the absence of extra students), including the detail of YoonGi arriving last. This VCR predates official BU content.

The photo in SeokJin’s collection that catches JungKook’s eye resembles the shot in the Euphoria MV at 5’32” (the seven boys sitting on a wall with the ocean behind them) except that they appear to be wearing school uniform shirts and slacks.

JungKook’s flashback to the night of 7 April Year 22 expands the context of his reunion with YoonGi, adding that he is drawn to the music shop by a familiar tune and through its broken window sees YoonGi playing piano. YoonGi doesn’t notice him when he staggers outside, and JungKook tries to play the music by memory. In his 7 April Year 22 entry of The Notes 1, YoonGi is drunk and stumbling by an empty construction site when he recognizes a clumsy piano tune that he’d been playing “not long ago.” But when he runs to the music shop and finds JungKook, the text does not indicate that he remembers this is his second visit to the shop this evening. Additionally, the Wings short film First Love seems to reference some of the events of this night—or evokes YoonGi’s distorted memories of it, mingled with a representation of JungKook’s later accident.

I mentioned in part 1’s introduction that every episode’s ending is identical regardless of the decisions made by the player, but the end of episode 4 is actually cosmetically different (a wobbling camera/animation effect) if the second path is selected for the last choice. The dialogue is the same.

The end of episode 7 depicts the seaside observatory. This is a key location on 22 May Year 22, recurring in The Notes and depicted in the HYYH On Stage: Prologue short film and Euphoria MV. It looks the same in the game.

The End of His Gaze — tl;dr commentary

The motel sign at the beginning and end of the story matches the one visible in YoonGi’s shots of the I Need U MV.

When searching the classroom hideout for clues on 15 April, SeokJin identifies his father's name alongside the message “Everything started from here” on the graffitied wall. He first saw this note in his 25 June Year 19 entry from The Notes 1.

Episode 3 presents a memory from both SeokJin’s and YoonGi’s perspectives of the afternoon that they walked out of school together. Although the date is unspecified, this event is also referenced in YoonGi’s 2 August Year 22 entry from The Notes 2 and the similar Note accompanying Map of the Soul: 7.

On his second attempt at searching the classroom, SeokJin finds sheet music that was hidden inside the piano. A phrase written in the corner of one paper catches his eye: 함께 라면 웃을 수 있다. The Korean is not translated in game, but Google translates it as “if we are together, we can laugh.” This recurring phrase is instead translated as “we can laugh when we’re together” in The Notes 2. In YoonGi’s 2 August Year 22 entry, he also reflects on finding the note written in the margins of the music scores he took from the classroom. The handwriting isn’t his own. Additionally, a similar sentiment is expressed in a line of You Never Walk Alone, which is the basis for one of the BU-inspired Graphic Lyrics books.

SeokJin has a flashback of 20 March Year 19 in which the boys are excitedly chattering about HoSeok’s new club. However, given the larger context of this moment (both in the past and what prompts it in the present), the date of the memory may be a typo. On 20 March Year 20 in The Notes 1, TaeHyung overheard SeokJin in the classroom informing the principal of the trouble he and YoonGi had gotten into. SeokJin realized that NamJoon heard it but not TaeHyung, who remained hidden out of sight and then pretended not to know. It’s not impossible that this memory really occurred in March Year 19, but most of them had only met at the beginning of that month.

Did you learn anything new from these stories that I did not specifically mention? Let me know in the replies or tags! Please stay tuned for part 3, featuring JiMin and HoSeok’s stories.

#armiesnet #bangtanarmynet #networkbangtan #armysource #dailybangtan #bts universe #hyyh #bangtan universe #bts universe story #bts universe story highlights #seokjin #jungkook #yoongi #jinkook #yoonkook #yoonjin #bts theories

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linguagem-bangtan · 5 years ago

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24 de Julho, ANO 22 (Taehyung) – [花樣年華 THE NOTES 1; Capítulo ‘After Returning From The Sea’]

HYYH The Notes (화양연화 The Notes) são notas, como um diário, de cada membro, narrando eventos do Universo Alternativo do Bangtan. Elas foram lançadas pela primeira vez contidas nos álbuns da série Love Yourself, e em março de 2019 o livro 花樣年華 THE NOTES 1 foi lançado; mais notas são encontradas nos álbuns da série Map Of The Soul. Elas narram e conectam alguns eventos que vimos anteriormente nos MV’s, nos short films de WINGS, no Highlight Reels de Love Yourself, e nos VCR’s das turnês. Veja aqui mais informações e todas as notas listadas cronologicamente.

Esta nota está presente no livro 花樣年華 THE NOTES 1, no capítulo After Returning From The Sea

Taehyung 24 de Julho, ANO 22

Eu disparei pela escada, subindo três e quatro degraus por vez. Garrafas de licor estavam rolando ao redor aqui e ali, e copos e pratos estavam espalhados pelo chão. Meu pai estava caído no chão em um canto com sua cabeça curvada. Minha irmã disse que não era o que eu estava pensando antes mesmo de eu abrir a boca. “A voz do pai estava um pouco alta, e alguém deve ter chamado a policia, pensando que ele estava batendo na gente.”

Então os policiais surgiram à vista. As mulheres da vizinhança que estavam reunidas na frente da nossa porta estalaram suas línguas e se afastaram. Minha irmã continuou se desculpando e se curvando para os policiais. “Nada foi quebrado e ninguém se machucou.” Eu não precisava ter vergonha desta situação. O hábito de beber do meu pai tem sido fofoca da vizinhança há tempos, mas eu desviava o olhar. Parecia que o pai tinha dormido. Seu rosto estava queimado pelo sol e coberto com uma barba espessa porque ele trabalhava como operário diurno em um canteiro de obras. Ele tinha mais cabelo grisalho do que antes. Eu podia ver o interior aquoso de sua boca e língua.

Eu costumava matar meu pai nos meus sonhos. Uma vez eu quase o apunhalei na realidade. Talvez tenha começado a partir daquele momento. Eu comecei a simpatizar com ele. Eu me odiava por simpatizar com ele. Essa pessoa podia ser chamada de pai? Ele não estava qualificado para ser um.

Alguém cutucou o meu ombro, eu olhei para trás e vi um rosto familiar. Ele era um policial que tinha sido despachado para minha casa algumas vezes. Eu também tinha o visto na delegacia de policia várias vezes quando eu era acionado por grafitar. Eu curvei minha cabeça para baixo. Era um gesto para dizer ‘Me desculpem por fazê-los se apressarem até aqui por nada’, mas eu também estava incerto de qual olhar colocar em meu rosto. “Seus vizinhos devem estar bastante preocupados com vocês. A mulher que reportou esse incidente não soou nem um pouco irritada e pediu repetidamente para nós virmos rapidamente antes que alguém se machucasse. Tenha certeza de procurar ela e a agradecer mais tarde.” Eu perguntei a ele se a voz dessa mulher era grave e rouca. Ele não conseguiu se lembrar mas podia ser. Minha irmã, que estava falando com outro policial, virou sua cabeça para mim.

“Você mantém contato com a mãe?” Eu perguntei a ela depois que todos saíram. Ela estava limpando as garrafas e pratos espalhados pelo chão, e eu estava sentando contra a parede. O pai ainda estava dormindo naquela posição desconfortável. O sol já tinha se posto, e a janela longa acima da cabeça do pai estava totalmente escura.

Minha irmã se levantou e sentou na mesa de jantar. Ela não disse uma palavra, mas seu silêncio mais do que respondeu minha pergunta. Eu pedi a ela pelo endereço e telefone da mãe. “Eu não sei o número dela. Eu só sei que ela vive em um apartamento alugado em Buk-gu, Munhyeon. Taehyung, por que você quer contatar ela?” Ela perguntou. “Para perguntar a ela. O que ela estava pensando. Porque ela partiu. Porque ela apareceu de novo.” Minha irmã sentou ao meu lado. “Taehyung, a mãe sente sua falta.”

Eu bufei e levantei. Ela claramente não percebeu o quão furioso eu estava. Eu disse a ela que eu estava indo fazer essas perguntas para a mãe, mas eu não estava particularmente curioso pelas respostas. Como isso me ajudaria mesmo se eu soubesse o porque ela partiu? Eu só queria liberar o meu ressentimento. “Por que ela veio aqui? Foi ela quem abandonou a gente. E agora ela quer bancar a figura materna?”

Eu comecei a andar para o norte, na direção de Munhyeon. Eu queria andar mais rápido do que o meu coração latejante. Esse era o único modo de eu ser capaz de continuar respirando. Já passava da meia noite. Os ônibus tinham parado de circular e eu não tinha dinheiro para um táxi. Andar era a minha única opção. Para chegar lá, eu tinha que atravessar a ferrovia, uma ponte e passar pelo centro. Eu devo ser capaz de chegar lá antes do sol nascer. Eu senti os passos de alguém atrás de mim quando eu estava atravessando a ferrovia. Jungkook estava me seguindo. Eu tinha me esquecido completamente que o Jungkook estava comigo quando eu corri para minha casa quando vi o carro da policia na frente.

“Vá embora!” Eu gritei para o Jungkook e continuei andando sem olhar para trás. Ele deve ter visto tudo. A policia, os vizinhos estalando suas línguas, garrafas de licor rolando, meu pai roncando, e minha irmã com sua cabeça curvada. Jungkook deve ter visto tudo. Eu nunca disse a ninguém sobre a violência do meu pai. Nunca. Eu nunca disse aos outros que minha mãe fugiu. Não era por causa do meu orgulho. Talvez era. É só que não parecia justo que eu deveria ter que explicar minha situação e vida miserável sozinho.

Acelerei o meu ritmo. Eu finalmente tinha saído da área residencial e subido as escadas de uma passarela de pedestres acima da ferrovia quando eu ouvi passos atrás de mim. Eu dei uma olhada rápida e vi o Jungkook. Eu ia gritar porque ele ainda estava me seguindo mas mudei de ideia. Não era da minha conta. Eu pisei na ponte depois de descer da ferrovia. Jungkook ainda estava me seguindo de longe. Eu parei no meio da ponte e olhei para o rio.

Na calada da noite, estradas e prédios estavam vagamente iluminados pelos postes de luz, mas o rio não. O rio preto azeviche corria ferozmente sob meus pés em um rugido. Soava mais ameaçador porque não era discernível no escuro. Jungkook também parou atrás de mim e olhou para o rio. Havia só nós dois na ponte. Sem pedestres e sem carros. Nossas camisetas estavam molhadas com suor e ondulavam ao vento.

“Você sabe que estamos andando há uma hora?” Eu acenei para o Jungkook, e ele se aproximou. Começamos a caminhar lado a lado. “Posso perguntar para onde estamos indo?” Eu disse a ele que eu estava indo na minha mãe. Eu tinha algo para dizer a ela. Jungkook assentiu com a cabeça. Meu ritmo estava ficando mais lento. De repente me perguntei se eu estava realmente indo na minha mãe. Eu não sabia exatamente onde ela estava morando. Eu não sabia o seu número ou endereço. Eu não tinha nenhum plano para depois de chegar no apartamento. Minha raiva tinha diminuído em apenas uma hora e foi substituída por fome e dor.

Eu imaginei como o nosso encontro seria. Na verdade, eu já tinha o imaginado inúmeras vezes. Era o próximo passo que não estava claro. Depois de perguntar a minha mãe as minhas perguntas, o que ela diria? Ela responderia todas? Se sim, ou se não, como eu deveria reagir? Talvez fosse melhor para todos nós se eu não a encontrasse. Essa sempre foi a minha conclusão. Mas eu continuava imaginando o momento e agora estava caminhando pela rua à noite desse jeito, sem nenhum plano, para ver a minha mãe.

“Sua perna está bem?” Pensando bem, Jungkook acabou de receber alta. E eu o fiz andar por horas. “O médico disse que eu deveria caminhar bastante como reabilitação.” Jungkook me mostrou um sorriso e me ultrapassou como se ele estivesse tentando provar isso. Eu não consegui falar que deveríamos parar aqui. Eu decidi caminhar lentamente. “Você não está com fome?” Conforme eu relaxava, todos os meus sentidos voltaram clamando. “Eu me arrependo de não ter terminado o bolo e o hambúrguer.” Eu ri com as palavras do Jungkook. Seres humanos são tão absurdamente fortes, ou tão absurdamente fracos, e nós éramos a prova – se sentindo famintos, reclamando que nossas pernas doíam, e rindo juntos mesmo nessa situação.

As luzes ficaram mais brilhantes e exuberantes, e uma rua agitada logo apareceu diante de nós. Era tarde da noite, mas a rua iluminada vivamente estava lotada de pessoas e carros passando. Era três e meia da madrugada. Sentamos em uma mesa ao livre de uma loja de conveniência.

Jungkook disse que ele estava com sede quando estávamos na metade do nosso macarrão instantâneo. Eu entrei na loja para comprar bebidas. Quando voltei, alguém estava de pé na frente do Jungkook. Ele tinha suas costas virada para mim, então eu não podia dizer quem ele era ou o que ele estava fazendo. Jungkook estava olhando para ele com um rosto apreensivo. Eu corri para o lado do Jungkook e olhei para o homem.

O homem estava usando um sobretudo cáqui escuro no meio do verão. Ele tinha cabelo grisalho espesso e sujo, e sua barba desgrenhada estava manchada com caldo de lámen. Ele fedia a álcool. Ele estava devorando o meu macarrão instantâneo gulosamente. Não faria diferença perguntar para ele quem ele era ou porque ele estava comendo meu macarrão. Eu estava surpreso, mas não com raiva. Na verdade, eu estava com medo.

Naquele momento, alguém de um grupo de encrenqueiros saindo da loja de conveniência empurrou o ombro do homem, e outro deu uma rasteira nele. O homem de sobretudo perdeu seu equilíbrio e empurrou a mesa enquanto caia. O macarrão instantâneo do Jungkook tombou e o caldo espirrou tudo em suas pernas. Jungkook deu um pulo e esfregou o caldo apressadamente de suas calças. Ele disse que estava bem e que não se queimou já que o caldo já tinha esfriado.

O grupo de encrenqueiros estava se afastando, rindo. O homem de sobretudo sujo estava olhando para o copo derrubado. Seus dedos estavam na mesa e cobertos de macarrão. Eu não consegui me fazer perguntar se ele estava bem. “Vocês não deveriam se desculpar? Vocês acabaram de fazer essa bagunça.” Eu gritei para os homens. Eles olharam para trás. “Não, não fizemos. Ele fez. E ninguém disse para você se sentar ai. Vagabundos estão por ai a essa hora.” Os homens xingaram inarticuladamente.

O homem de sobretudo sujo olhou para mim. Nosso olhos se encontraram. Ele tinha olhos amarelados e um rosto coberto de marcas de idade. Ele me lembrava alguém. Alguém que estava sempre bêbado, balançando seus punhos para tudo, e vivendo como um ditador e um perdedor.

O que eu esperava acontecer aconteceu. Eu me arremessei nos homens, e dois do grupo me deram socos. Eu desviei do primeiro soco, mas o segundo passou de raspão no meu queixo. Jungkook se meteu no meio para me parar mas foi pego na briga também. As mesas e cadeiras de plástico foram viradas, e a placa ‘Estacionamento Proibido’ foi chutada. O funcionário da loja de conveniência já tinha chamado a policia, como se já fosse acostumado com essas brigas. Pudemos ouvir a sirene um minuto depois. Nós todos demos um pulo e corremos em direções opostas, gritando uns para os outros que eram sortudos de terem escapado dessa vez.

Eu era particularmente bom em fugir. Às vezes eu era pego de propósito, mas agora não era uma dessas vezes. Eu continuei a liderar o caminho, checando se o Jungkook estava acompanhando. Um carro prateado passou por nós a toda velocidade. O espelho lateral passou de raspão no Jungkook. Atordoado, ele caiu. Ele tinha acabado de receber alta do hospital depois de dois meses por causa de um acidente de carro. Era natural ele estar atordoado. O carro parou bruscamente, e um dos homens que bateu na gente mais cedo colocou sua cabeça para fora da janela de passageiro. “Se liga. Estamos deixando vocês irem só dessa vez. Não vai ter misericórdia da próxima.” E o carro desapareceu com o rugir do motor.

Jungkook se levantou lentamente, segurando em meu braço. Ele parecia desconfortável. Ele deve ter machucado sua perna quando caiu. O interior da minha boca latejava. Sangue manchou as costas da minha mão quando eu limpei minha boca com ela. “Onde devemos ir?” Jungkook perguntou. “Com essa perna? Estamos voltando.” Jungkook começou a andar, dizendo que ele estava bem. “Olha! Eu estou bem.” Eu fiquei parado e observei o Jungkook arrastar uma perna.

“Vamos voltar!” Eu gritei para o Jungkook. Olhei o meu celular. Era quatro e cinquenta da madrugada. Ainda tínhamos algum tempo para matar até o primeiro ônibus vir. Eu olhei ao redor e encontrei uma colina baixa atrás do distrito do entretenimento. “Você já viu o nascer do sol?”

Eu apoiei o Jungkook enquanto subíamos pela colina. Sentei nas escadas no final da encosta suave. Dizem que o céu é mais escuro logo antes do sol nascer, e era verdade. Nenhuma estrela era visível no céu escuro como breu. Mas letreiros de neon de diferentes formatos e cores estavam radiando luzes brilhantes na cidade abaixo. Eu virei meus olhos para o norte. Eu adivinhei mais ou menos a vizinhança que a minha mãe deve estar morando. Lá, deve ser lá. Ela deve estar comendo, dormindo, e limpando aquele apartamento.

“Jungkook, eu segui a minha mãe na época.” Jungkook olhou para mim. Eu fixei os meus olhos nas luzes fluindo das janelas do condomínio. Na época. Aquela noite. Aquela noite dez anos atrás quando minha mãe foi embora de casa. Aquela noite quando minha mãe, minha irmã e eu fomos espancados pelo meu pai e choramos até dormir. Eu não conseguia me lembrar porque ele bateu tanto na gente. Mas eu me lembro nitidamente de pensar ‘eu devo ir nadar com meu amigos amanhã, e eu acho que a mamãe não vai poder fazer meu lanche. Meus lábios machucados vão sarar até amanhã? Se não, eles vão tirar sarro de mim. Meus ombros doem. Eu não deveria ter tentado virar para desviar dos socos dele. Minha irmã está chorando silenciosamente. Foi ainda mais angustiante ouvir isso hoje.’

Meio adormecido, eu tive um vislumbre da minha mãe parada em nossos pés e olhando para nós. Ela estava indo embora. Ela estava nos abandonando. Eu sabia instantaneamente. Eu fingi estar dormindo, levantei, e a segui. Eu não tinha nenhum plano. Eu não estava pensando em ir embora com ela. Eu não senti amargor ou medo. Como seria não ter mãe, como seria viver sem uma – não era algo que você podia simplesmente entender.

Eu a segui por algum tempo. Na minha memória, eu andei a noite toda. Mas minha memória deve ter exagerado já que eu era uma criancinha na época. Ela não olhou para trás. Nem uma vez. Ela realmente não sabia que eu estava seguindo ela? Talvez ela estava lutando para olhar para frente com medo de ter que me levar com ela se ela olhasse para trás. “Claro, esse pensamento me veio depois. Quando eu lutava para entender ela. Agora? Eu não sei porque vim tão longe.”

“Ei.” Eu olhei para cima ao ouvir a voz do Jungkook. “Me desculpe.” Eu olhei para ele. “Pelo que você está se desculpando? Por quê você está se desculpando?” “Você não pode ir ver a tua mãe por minha causa.” Jungkook respondeu. “Você é idiota?” Eu me exaltei. Eu não pretendia perder a cabeça. Mas minha voz ficou mais alta por conta própria. Minha língua continuava a tropeçar já que eu não era bom em falar e não sabia como expressar os meus sentimentos. “Por que você está se desculpando? As pessoas deveriam se desculpar para você. O que você fez de errado? Eu deveria me desculpar por trazer você aqui. Meus pais, que me fizeram trazer você aqui, deveriam se desculpar. Aqueles caras que começaram a briga deveriam se desculpar.” Eu continuei a levantar a minha voz. “Você é uma boa pessoa. Você é tão bom quanto pode ser. Não é tua culpa. Não é tua culpa!”

O céu, que parecia ter ficado escuro para sempre, começou a ficar azulado em um instante. A luz que permeava o céu da extremidade mais distante sugou o vislumbre dos letreiros de neon. Nós assistimos o sol nascer sem dizer nada. O grande e quente sol vermelho surgiu acima do condomínio. A mãe está assistindo o nascer do sol também?

Nós dois sentamos atrás do ônibus ao lado um do outro no caminho para casa. Foi antes do alvorecer romper acima de nós. A estrada estava vazia, e o ônibus continuava a andar. Eu virei a minha cabeça e olhei em direção ao norte novamente. Aquela noite. A mãe parou de andar. Ela ficou imóvel por algum tempo. Ela não olhou para trás também. Se eu tivesse continuado adiante naquele momento, eu teria alcançado ela. Eu poderia ter segurado em sua mão e perguntado onde ela estava indo, onde ela estava se dirigindo apesar de estar nos deixando para trás, e quando ela estava voltando. Eu poderia ter chorado, feito birra, e talvez arrastado ela de volta para casa. Mas eu só me virei e voltei para casa sozinho. Meu corpo inteiro doía e eu não podia ir nadar com os outros. Eu me deitei no chão, suando e tentei dormir. Eu não sabia porque.

“É aquele homem de novo.” Ao ouvir a voz do Jungkook, eu olhei para fora da janela. Um homem curvado em um sobretudo cáqui estava andando sozinho.

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