#my Strong Sense of Autistic Fairness wants to destroy them

[n7punk]

the tension between me and my nemesis (the reseller marking up she-ra merch and trying to make it seem rarer by claiming it's con exclusive when it's for sale brand new right now) who i am only just barely holding myself back from sending a very passive-aggressive message

[maklodes]

I don’t usually do tumblr sadposting, but I guess maybe the holidays are getting to me and such. I already posted this on /r/trueoffmychest. I’m not sure whether posting this stuff or bottling it up (my usual practice) is better, but I thought I’d give this a shot. I may decide this makes me feel worse and go back to bottling it up. I have no strong feelings about whether you reblog this or not. Potentially distressing content below the cut. 

I just feel like it's too late to form real relationships or succeed in life in conventional terms.

Background: I am thirty-five year old man. I don't really have any real friends, and feel like I haven't really since high school (and not many then). I am a kissless virgin straight guy. I am back living with my parents. I have a very spotty employment history, sometimes working with startups that never went anywhere, sometimes doing part time work doing things like Solidworks CAD design stuff. I followed a weird path academically, got a bachelors in economics, then a masters in mechanical engineering. I'm starting a new CAD job in January. The money is okay ($30/hr), but it is part time with fluctuating hours, and generally my résumé is as holey as Swiss cheese.

I have been getting therapy, and have been diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum. My therapist and some other people have recommended resources to help me try to get out more. I started going to a group that hosts events for people on the autism spectrum, and I went to vocational rehab which connected me with MERS Goodwill which has provided employment counseling that I felt didn’t help much in getting a job (I got my new job primarily through an unrelated personal connection), but maybe did help me in overcoming the severe anxiety I feel around applying for jobs. I also started going to a kind of Jewish young-adult oriented group.

It just doesn't feel like it helps. I can't really connect with people, whether allistic or autistic. I feel like in primarily allistic gatherings, groups of people are already engrossed in their own circles before I know how to break in. I can talk a little bit, but I feel like often the conversation goes into areas I just can’t relate to. In autistic groups, well, I don’t really like to say this, but I find a pretty large fraction of fellow autistic people annoying. Even on weeks when I have a fair number of events that I’m involved with, I feel like I “go to events” rather than “have a social life.” Even when I talk to people, I feel like it’s okay as a one-off conversation, but don’t know how to build deeper relationships.

When I look outside myself, trying to see the world beyond my personal problems, I also feel depressed about the state of the world. I feel like Donald Trump, Mitch McConnell, and their friends are destroying my country. I feel like we are missing the chance to keep this planet livable, and now maybe it’s too late. I think about the horrific abuse of animals in factory farms on the scale of tens of billions per year.

I’m not really doing anything to solve these problems or make the world a better place, but I feel like I have to at least try not to make them too much worse. I’m vegan, and I avoid driving when I can, usually bicycling or taking public transit. It’s not enough, CO2 levels are still rising, billions of chickens are still being slaughtered, etc, and more systemic solutions are needed, but I feel like even that bit of harm-reduction I do further alienates me from people, and makes me more of an awkward weirdo in social situations, bringing my own food to pizza parties and stuff. I feel scared of a lot of left-leaning activism, because a lot of social justice rhetoric isn’t good for me psychologically.

I have a hard time using “real-name” social media like Facebook, or online dating. I have a Facebook account but use it about once a year. I’ve never tried any online dating. I think a few women have expressed interest in me in the past that I was largely too oblivious to pick up at the time (e.g., a girl who mentioned that she like guys with eyes the same color as mine), but I find it really inconceivable that any woman would be attracted to me with my life in its current state. (Physically, I’m okay-ish, but at my age, well, my nasolabial folds are starting to get deeper, etc.)

I’m into some nerd stuff, but I feel like I can’t get into a lot of the “mainstream nerd” interests like Star Wars, Marvel, Game of Thrones (I read the ASoIaF books, but only watched about one episode of the HBO show), etc. One mainstream nerd interest I enjoyed was some tabletop RPGs that I played with online friends a decade ago, but I feel like I don’t know how to get into a scene like that IRL.

I play too much multiplayer Mount & Blade: Warband (9 hours over the past 2 weeks, according to Steam), and really nothing else in my Steam library. People on a server there recognize me and sometimes talk to me, and I sometimes chat there too,  but I tend to shy away from forming real relationships. I always feel a little uncomfortable when people recognize me and want to talk at a personal level. I also look at a fair amount of hentai and furry stuff, and play some pornographic games. Sometimes laughing at jokes and stuff I see on Tumblr makes me feel happy for a time. The discussions are sometimes good too.

I feel that I’m in a lot of ways like the standard image of the Loser Bad Guy that I see in the media: the socially alienated guy who goes on a shooting rampage, the hateful misogynist incel, the isolated, downwardly mobile angry white male who posts Pepe-in-a-MAGA-hat memes on 4chan. I’m not planning on doing a shooting rampage or anything, but sometimes I just look at myself, and think: what a creep. What a waste of food and water and air. Sometimes I fantasize about getting into an accident that leaves me braindead so my organs can go to people who would make better use of them than I am.

I wish I could be more happy and grateful for the ways in which I am blessed. I am in decent health. I have enough to eat. I have a roof over my head. I am not locked in a battery cage where I can’t stretch my arms out. I am a straight able-bodied white male from an upper-middle class family living in a first-world country. Maybe I just have an unwarranted sense of entitlement, but I don’t know how to be happy with me life as it is.

Sometimes I just feel really angry at myself, for not being smarter, for not being more mature, for not taking advantage of more opportunities I’ve had in the past, for not being more motivated to change, for not doing more to help the people I could. Sometimes I just feel angry at myself for being angry at myself, for my own futile, unproductive anger over my own flaws.

I don’t really feel I talk honestly about this stuff with anyone I know. Sometimes I talk to my therapist, and I don’t lie to her, and she knows the core facts that I laid out here (difficulty with employment, relationships, etc), but I feel like I always shade toward something a little brighter than how I feel -- or, at least, how I feel at my worst moments. Maybe it’s just that my moments with her really aren’t my worst moments, so I’m not in the frame of mind to say how I actually do feel in my worst moments. With my dad, I feel like he thinks I’m just being overly dramatic and irrational. Maybe I am, but if so I don’t know how to be rational, at least consistently. With my mom… well, I usually don’t talk to her about this stuff. I feel like when she sees weakness, she goes in for an attack.

So, I thought I’d give the whole Tumblr sadposting thing a shot. Maybe baring myself like this will be mortifying, maybe cathartic, IDK. Try everything once, right?

[reyphorian]

can i just talk about my abuse for a few minutes? it’s kind of long so i’ll put it under a cut but i just... i really want to get this out there.

i don’t think i’ve really mentioned it on here before but i have a very toxic relationship with my mom, like really toxic. she tried to kick me out back in june when i told her i wouldn’t give her praise for being a trans ally and got mad at her for blaming me on her having an asthma attack at a pride fair i wasn’t even at. she doesn’t even look at me anymore, and she only talks to me when it’s necessary. otherwise it’s like she only has 3 kids. she gaslights me about things she’s said that are wrong but happened several months ago so it makes me question if she really did even say it. she put me in a hospital at 14, barely 2 weeks after my birthday. i’ve always been suicidal but never really a threat to my own safety, at least not in the immediate sense. it’s mostly long term health issues that will actually cause major issues in 10 or 20 years, but i’ve never been someone to attempt suicide or do more than scratch at my wrists or press my nails into my skin and leave indentations that last maybe 10 minutes at most, or use a rubber band on my skin. never razors or other sharp objects, never tried to hang myself or overdose. if anything i’m more of a threat to my safety now than back then but i can’t even muster the energy to accidentally overdose on pain meds let alone intentionally. she sent me away to live for a month in a completely unfamiliar place, surrounded by strangers, cut off from everyone i knew except 3 contacts i could call by phone, and letters sent in by friends. that really fucked me up and i still have nightmares about it. she blames me for our family’s financial problems. i can’t even ask for necessities without her yelling at me about how we’re broke, and yet she still finds the money to buy herself new clothes and jewelry every few months. finances have become a taboo subject for me because every time it comes up i end up on the verge of a breakdown or actually have one. i can never spend money without feeling completely horrible, not on textbooks for college, not on food, not on clothing. she regularly threatens and even jokes about kicking me out, not realizing how cruel that is knowing she thinks its a joke or a reasonable threat to make to her disabled trans child who can barely take care of himself at home let alone on the streets. she tells me i can do it if i set my mind to it. she shoves me out into situations i know i can’t handle on my own, and my fears come true when something comes up and i don’t know how to respond or continue, and i go into sensory overload and break down, continuing the circle that gets smaller and feeding my fears to the point i can’t speak to strangers on my own without her accompanying me because she’s the only one who knows what to do. the rest of my family cause me breakdowns even when they’re there or have ones themselves. i have an unhealthily dependent relationship on her that i don’t know how to get out of. she’s managed to keep my youngest brother out of hospitals despite his drug addictions and mental illness. she said if she took him away from his guitars it would make things worse for him. apparently she thought i would do just fine in one on my own. she babies him and my two other brothers, helping them with all their problems while leaving me to take care of everything myself. she sat back while i was abused by a friend and an ex who i’d been dating at the time. she also likes to make things about herself a lot. if i openly ask someone to help me, not directed at anyone, she takes it as me asking her, and goes into a 5 minute speech about how tired she is and how much hard work she’s done for all of us so i have to tell her to stop because i don’t care and it was an open question for everyone, not me asking her personally. she makes everything about her reputation, telling me any mistakes i make will ruin her reputation, as if it’s going to destroy her entire future that i dyed my hair pink before a military ceremony. one time when she talked to me about my gender identity she asked me if i was trans because she failed as a parent, as if that’s not loaded with so many shitty implications that would make me only hate myself more. she likes to talk and talk and talk, and she loves to interrupt to the point that conversations are more one-sided than a debate with a man, and when i can finally edge in a few words she’s done, moved on, doesn’t want to hear anything else even if what i have to say is important. she says she listens but if she really did then she would be more receptive to when i speak, and she wouldn’t constantly interrupt. she once blamed me for my uncle eventually walking away from a casual conversation. several times she’s told me to my face that people don’t like me because i’m negative. sure, i can be a pessimist but it also happens that my special interest is social justice. one time she told me nobody likes being infodumped on. all my autistic friends would disagree. she likes to speak over me when i bring up social justice issues for that matter. she tells me she knows better than trans people about what’s offensive and what’s not. she tells me i’m a high functioning autistic, and that functioning labels aren’t toxic, when i tell her that’s not true and it takes away assistance and agency depending on what end they decide you belong on. she tells me i don’t have autistic meltdowns or any of the “more autistic” qualities. i do but she’s never there to see them. she makes me feel bad for being outspoken when i do have the courage to speak, even though she claims to have raised me to be that way, i guess she only likes it when it furthers her own reputation. speaking of that, she’s a pastor, and extremely charismatic person with a large history in volunteering and speaking. i don’t mean that to sound like a compliment if it suddenly seems odd for me to praise her. if anything it’s a horrible thing. everyone thinks she’s a wonderful person, a strong figure and an amazing mother. an amazing advocate and ally for many communities. she doesn’t even listen to her mentally ill and trans child, but she’ll listen to anyone else. she has such a positive and credible image, and coupled with her occupation as a pastor, the public and those around her would side with her if claims about her being a bad person ever surfaced. nobody would believe me, and she would blame me for trying to ruin everything she’s ever worked for. i would be called a liar and an attention seeker because who am i, a mentally ill person with a poor public reputation that likely isn’t helped by my own mom’s hatred of me, to make such outstanding claims? why should anyone believe me? i can’t openly talk about this to anyone around her and i only have a few family members i can trust. i’m paranoid that anyone else who knows her will tell her about the things i say online because i’ve had family who’ve done it before. i hate that i can’t tell anyone.

[anautisticdragon-blog]

On Polygon, Being an SJW, & Insecurities

Deep breath.

So, I dig Polygon. For those who aren't familiar with such an outdated parlance, it means I like them. In fact, I'm a big fan. I might even say I love them. No, that's not fair. The McElroys are involved, including that big baby Travis whom I'm so fond of. So, yes, I do love them. It's not fair to say that I 'might.'

Are Polygon and the McElroys SJWs? Well, from the Alt-Right perspective... Yep. I'm a goddamn SJW, me. Just like Green Arrow. God I loved the controversy that caused, thank you Ben Percy, you're one of my new favourite comic book writers.

What does being an ‘SJW’ mean?

From the Alt-Right perspective, it simply means... You're just not part of the White Supremacy Circlejerk. That's it. Yes, that is the great sin of it all, everyone. If you're not a vile White Supremacist, you're an "SJW cuck." Which is interesting, but I want to get back to that later.

What does being a social rights activist mean to me?

It means I try harder. I've been hurt, I have flaws. I'm human. I err, I fuck up, it's ugly. The difference is is that I have the self-awareness to realise I need to keep trying. I had a problem where I was prejudiced against neurotypicals because so many of them were personally responsible for making my life as an autistic person hell. And yet, that's just spreading the disease of prejudice. I had to stop that. I did stop that.

I've come to realise that it's 'toxic normality' that's the problem, rather than any person or group. And the group which has the most power is going to use all their resources to push their own version of that to homogenise the world into something that they're comfortable with. Which is precisely what the Alt-Right is trying to do. It's exactly what Nazi Germany tried to do, albeit it in a much violent way. I insist though that if you see a Nazi, you should say Nazi. Whether they're part of a military or not.

It's not like the Alt-Right hasn't done their fair share of slaughter in the name of their holy quest. Gunning down an LGBTQ bar, driving into a crowd of peaceful protestors, or even a guy chasing down and beating his elderly dad to death just for having left-leaning opinions. All of this is true, and all of it is endemic of the cancer which fuels the Alt-Right. This sense of their 'default status' as healthy, cishet, white individuals. Their 'normality.'

How does this tie into Polygon?

I was curious why so many of the White Supremacist types have tried to slander Polygon, whether they had any kind of argument or not. And, 2 times out of 10, they'll actually latch onto something that's slightly shady. This is all part of a process of manipulation, though. You have to be right every now and then in order to deceive people when you know you're completely wrong. You can point at that and say 'Unfortunately, I've already proved us right.'

It's a very skeevy, political play. It's the kind that the Alt-Right love. Essentially, they'll dig, they'll doxx, and they'll find the tiniest bits of dirt on a person. Then they'll use those mistakes that someone they dislike has made and weaponise them to make their outright lies and manipulative deceits appear as valid to the untrained eye. It works. It's a very effective, powerful tactic.

If you've been a little bit honest, you can keep using that tiny bit of honesty to shut people down if you're loud enough. It becomes a back and forth where they're trying to detail the dishonesty and the skeevy person is just pointing at this one honest thing they did as a counter-example. It's incredibly commonplace in right wing politics, Trump does it all the goddamn time.

Be honest 2 per cent of the time, then just be loud enough about the 98 per cent of the time that you're not. That's often enough to prey on the cognitive dissonance, biases, prejudices, and worse of people in order to bring them around to believing horrible things.

So the arguments against Polygon hold no water.

Why do they do this, then? Why do sites like Deepfreeze actively lie and misrepresent opinions and everyday occurrences as vile breaches of journalistic etiquette?

As much as the Alt-Right proclaims to love free speech, they hate anyone outside of their echo chamber. They'll often try to shut them down with lies, manipulation, deceit, numbers, loudness, and even violence when they (in their very White minds) think it's 'necessary.' Polygon is left leaning, it's inclusive and accepting of different kinds of people. To all in the Alt-Right, that makes them "leftist cucks."

What does 'cuck' mean? Take a look at this. It's a deeply, heinously racist word that gets to the core of the insecurities of the White Supremacist. You see, it all comes down to race-based sexual anxiety. It's all about dick sizes, if I'm honest. White Supremacists are often White Supremacists because they're tiny down there. Hence "cuck."

Which, hilariously, was at the root of Hitler's insecurities, too. I'm not fucking with you. Hitler had a really tiny dick. This is what drives almost all of White Supremacy.

So, these men with tiny dicks are riddled with insecurities. The insecure often take to overly conservative, traditionalist views because it makes them feel safe. It doesn't put them in a position where they feel less powerful. And since they're already insecure, they need to feel powerful. This means using the dirtiest, lowest tactics to bring down anyone who they perceive as any enemy to their divinely ordained, absolutely perfect White Supremacy.

So if Polygon is inclusive of other ethnicities, if they support strong women, and they generally have a strong willed enough perspective to be left leaning?

Yeah. Exactly.

The thing is? This 'toxic normality' I've talked about often comes back to cognitive dissonance and people feeling just really scared and insecure. That's what's going on, here. Why would anyone use genuinely deceitful, underhanded tactics like this? Why would anyone try to destroy or harm those who're not like them? It's all about the insecurities. They're scared children who feel like their comfortable rug of entitlement is about to be swept out from beneath them.

Oh no! Imagine that! They won't be seen as the divine 'default state' any more. They won't be seen as 'normal.' So what does that leave them with? Well, besides their tiny dicks, of course? Nothing. It leaves them with nothing. They aren't talented people, they're not creative (which is why they're always appropriating, co-opting, and outright criminally stealing things rather than making their own), so they've got nothing to fall back on other than "I'm just so Superior 'cause I'm White!"

Y'see?

So Polygon, being inclusive and supportive, is a threat to what they see as the status quo. They don't want the Zeitgeist to shift in a way that would be unfavourable to them. They're worried they'd lose their entitled, fortunate position they hold over all others. Then all they're left with is their lack of talent and their small dicks.

It's not because they're extraverted, it's not because they're neurotypical, it's not even really because they're white (that's just a tool). It's because they've enjoyed an entitled lifestyle of benefit over all others, and these people know that if they didn't have that, they'd have nothing. They know they get picked in jobs over more talented people by prejudiced bosses because they're white men, if that boon were to shift against them? Well, goodbye cushy job! They'd have to finally learn what life is like without those benefits.

So Polygon isn't responsible for having unethical journalism. Polygon is responsible for having their own opinions, and left leaning perspectives which make incredibly insecure White Supremacists feel uncomfortable. And here's the kickers. Whenever a White Supremacist sees a black, male writer on one of these sites? They don't think it's because they might be talented, but rather because they're winning the 'White entitlement' away from the Alt-Right, that Polygon are ‘pandering.’ And because they've got bigger dicks.

So... Hopefully that's an insight into the mind of an Alt-Right person. Just think of them as tiny, insecure people who're sexually anxious. Yet also people who've been privileged and boosted up by society despite their shortcomings -- emotional, intellectual, and otherwise.

Normally, I'd never shame someone for having a small penis. The thing is, though? It truly does get to the root of why they are, and it's important to understand this insecurity whenever you find yourself having to deal with them. It puts a feather in your cap, that you can understand why they're behaving this way.

Like I said, it all comes back to that word they use, "cuck."

To use ‘cuck’ is to basically say "I'm insecure of other people because I have a tiny penis, and I believe the stereotypes of other ethnicities naturally having a bigger penis than us whites."

Is that sad? Yes. Is that pathetic? Yes. Is that pitiable? Yes. Is that the defining, driving aspect of the Alt-Right? Also yes.

Why do we even pay attention to them?

It's funny, really. If they had an iota of creativity they'd finally understand Austin Powers' dad. It's not the size, it's how you use it. If they had an iota of creativity, they'd be good enough in bed to make up for whatever deficiencies they feel they have. So, really, a small penis isn't a good reason to feel just as insecure as they do. And yet, that's what it's all about.

In a way, it's 'toxic masculinity' and 'toxic normality' turned back on them. Since it's 'normal' to have a big dick, right?

And... in the end, I sort of feel sorry for them. I mean, I also don't because they do kill people. They are murderers and we can't really ignore that, can we? They are criminals, and they have that killer instinct and willingness to maim and kill those they disagree with. So I can't feel too sorry for them but... I also kind of do?

They're just these manchildren lashing out because of their insecurities, with no creativity to make up for it. They're just turning to lies, deceit, and clumsy manipulation to try and prove to the world that they're so great. And... doesn't it just all come over as over-compensating? It's sad. They're sad.

So, beyond the violence, I don't really think that Polygon needs to ever worry about the Alt-Right. I hope Polygon will always continue to be left leaning, opinionated, inclusive, and as ‘SJW’ as they can be. No matter how insecure it makes some particularly sad, pathetic people feel.

Don't feel too much pity for them, though. As I keep pointing out -- do keep in mind that they are murderers. They're not exactly the most wholesome group. See a Nazi, say Nazi. There's never been any good reason to not make fun of a Nazi. That's exactly what I'm doing here, because it needs to happen. It's a little vindictive and petty, sure, but again... I feel the need to point out they're hardly innocent lambs.

They deserve all of this lambasting, and more.

Plus, their toxic opinions have hurt people I care about, and I like Polygon! So this was very cathartic for me. Again: There has never been a good reason to not make fun of a Nazi.