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#my body and mind are two seperate beings that are very keen on ruining our life
myname-isnia
·
10 months
Text
The worst part of this all is that I’m going through it while I’m still on my period
#actively bleeding. exhausted. needing much more food than normal to make up for what I’m losing
#and it’s exactly in this moment that my body decided it was going to starve itself
#not let me get up no matter how much I try to convince myself I need to eat
#make me feel sick at the mere mention of eating anything
#refuse to give me normal hunger responses so I forget until I’m too tired to rectify the situation
#and my mind is right there with it
#yelling at me in my own voice. I’d understand if it was mom’s or dad’s or grandma’s but it’s not. I was always my own worst enemy
#see. a part of me relishes in what’s happening
#I love feeling how my stomach is just the tiniest bit flatter when I haven’t eaten in a while
#I know I shouldn’t think that. it’s not healthy. starving yourself is not the way to lose weight
#there is no reliable way to lose weight. diet culture is a lie and a plague
#of course I know all that
#but if my own voice in my head is telling me that maybe if I keep going I’ll finally become thin and pretty like I always wanted to be
#how can I not listen to it?
#……
#I hate this
#ever since I was little I never felt like I was in control of myself
#it was always like I was a spectator watching a cut scene in a video game
#my body and mind are two seperate beings that are very keen on ruining our life
#and I’m neither of them
#I’m some secret third thing who can’t control them
#I don’t know how to explain it
#maybe I’m not making any sense and am actually just delusional. trying to explain my own self destructive behaviours
#by pretending I have nothing to do with them
#and what’s the point of it all anyway? I’m still not going to go eat
#even thinking about it is making me nauseous
#but not eating makes it worse and robs me of the ability to sleep and of all energy to do things I might enjoy
#it’s an awful. vicious cycle. one I don’t know how to break when every fiver of my being is vehemently against any attempts at fixing it
#*fiber. whatever
#I want to eat. my mind and body don’t
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