#actively bleeding. exhausted. needing much more food than normal to make up for what I’m losing

[myname-isnia]

The worst part of this all is that I’m going through it while I’m still on my period

[megan-rambles]

August 15 2024

I finally feel like I’m coming out the other end from the trenches of pregnancy and post partum and of course Finn is so worth it! I’d forgotten how exhausted I was towards the end of my pregnancy with work and then to go straight into post partum with barely any time to nest was so fucking cooked. Even with an uncomplicated birth like mine the recovery has been rough, it’s been almost 8 weeks and I’ve only just stopped bleeding, even then I’m still slightly spotting. My baby blues were horrendous and doing all this sleep deprived was almost impossible. And then poor Finn went through his 6 week growth spurt and had several days of screaming -thank god he’s so much more settled now. The only thing is not being as active and not having as much freedom -however Josh is helping out more that Finn is more settled and he is obviously more confident with him. He really struggled those first few weeks to bond with him and it really worried me, but lately he’s been wanting to hold him so much and interact with him.

I’m so grateful to have gotten to this point in having a baby, no longer worried about whether we will conceive and no longer worried about losing the baby. The best part about post partum is being able to see your baby and knowing he’s breathing and he’s ok. Of course I would love another baby down the line but I am fairly sure that I only want one more because tbh pregnancy, birth and postpartum as much as it’s empowering fucking sucks! It’s weird to say because 2 years ago I was waiting desperately for my period to return and wanted nothing more than to be pregnant but all of it is just so hard -the uncertainty of TTC, anxiety about miscarriage during pregnancy, the birth which fucking hurts lmao and then the horror that is the first two weeks post partum. After everything I went through with losing my period honestly I can only do it once more and that’s just because I would love for Finn to have a sibling and I know Josh would like at least 2. But I am so happy that we don’t have to worry about TTC for probably years! And now I’m breastfeeding and in a good rhythm with it (now that Finn has stopped cluster feeding) I can have a break from fearing that I’ll skip my period because having an irregular cycle is normal with breastfeeding! It could come back tomorrow or when I wean and anything in that range is normal -it’s just so nice to not worry about that for once! And honestly- I kinda want to wait at least a year but more likely 18 months-2yrs before trying again so I can build up capacity to deal with the stress of TTC, pregnancy etc. although now I know what to expect. I’m just so excited to get my body back, even though I think my relationship with food and exercise will be different, but that’s ok!

I’ve realised that I just can’t maintain a healthy relationship with food and go to gym. I don’t like how strength training makes my body look and I think I just don’t enjoy it. I have been loving also going out to eat more with josh and I’m finally confident to mention I’m coeliac to waitstaff!!! I’m still struggling with my body image and on days we’re not out of the house and maybe it’s a challenging day with Finn or he’s contact napping all day I’ll tend to binge and then feel gross. With BF I am STARVING plus poor sleep means sugar cravings and it’s been hard to manage allowing myself to eat whatever but also having boundaries with myself because overeating is also not good for emotion regulation. On these days I think I need to remember it’s not every day I binge and remember mind over matter. But I’m excited to continue with my physio to get back into exercise and hopefully start with some Pilates classes 🥰

[danielxricciardo]

Can you do one with Max, with 46 and 55 from angst list?

Summary: You are suffering from depression and Max tries to be by your side

Warnings: angst, swearing, mentions of suicide, depression

Word count: 3.6k+

46. “I’ll leave, and the world will move on. I just wish I could see it. See how much better everything is when I’m gone.”

55. “You’re good at finding things. Find me a reason to stay.”

Depression feels like a lot of things.

It feels like sadness, which is what everyone will tell you. It's a pretty common thread.

"I'm worthless."

"Everyone thinks I'm a horrible burden."

So on and so forth.

Everyone in the world is happy but you, and in the end, you are a worthless piece of shit that doesn't belong in this otherwise glorious and happy place. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and you are lying there on your bed in the same unlaundered pair of pajamas, wondering why you are even allowed to keep living any longer. Some meteor strikes or lightning bolts should be reserved for people like you because you are taking up space and oxygen and food and other resources that real, happy, productive people need.

It feels like emptiness. You have all these possibilities and none of them seem interesting. You could do some art, or play some music, but that just doesn't feel right. There's no joy in it. You could have sex with your significant other, but you can't muster up the desire. You could play video games, or read a book. But what's the point? There's no real benefit to all of it but passing the time. You could get up and make lunch. But no, you're not that hungry, and if you close your eyes, time will pass a little faster. You can lie there. That works. It doesn't require active effort to do something fruitless. Everything is as empty and fruitless as lying and staring out your window at the clouds and the shifting shadows of tree branches, and so why do anything else?

It feels like fatigue. Standing up out of your bed requires the same amount of bodily effort as climbing several flights of stairs. Managing to get dressed and walk outside is like running a race. Heaven helps you if you try to go to the store or a friend's house -- that may as well be on the other side of the continent. Every step is heavy. Every muscle motion requires ten times the work it used to. Exercise becomes difficult, and control over your body expires quickly. You become clumsier, so heavy lifting is right out. You daze out randomly, daydreaming, even dozing, so biking or running is hard. You feel most at home when you are entirely relaxed, so you lie down...and don't get up again until something like your bladder compels you.

It feels like a loss of control. You have no idea why your brain and body are doing this. You don't want to feel sad. Nobody wants to feel shitty and tired and empty all the time. People will look at you and say, "It's like you don't want to get better." Those people are idiots. You truly, deeply, from the bottom of your soul, have no idea why this has happened or what to do. It's not logical. It makes no sense. You woke up like this, or it crept in overtime or something like that. It's like a fog, a force of nature that sweeps in, occludes everything, and there's not one thing you can do about it from where you stand. Trying feels like taking a paper fan outside and trying to blow away the morning mist. Someone has tied puppet strings to your brain and is playing this hideous dance with it, and you don't have the scissors to cut them away. The dance doesn't make sense; it's arbitrary and rhythmless. If you had any sort of reasoning behind it, you could take control. But you don't.

It feels like desperation. You can't find a way out. You lie there at night, keening into your pillow like a wounded animal, making all sorts of noises that no human being should be able to make. You claw and scratch at the sheets, or at yourself, as the pain wrings itself out through bodily expression. The tears won't stop. You don't know why. All you know is that it hurts, it really and truly hurts, and you think if it goes on any longer, you're going to die. Right there. Bleed out on the floor. So you grab up your phone, and you call someone at 4 AM, and you beg them to please just make it stop. You bury yourself in books and movies because at least then you can imagine something else than yourself. You read nonstop. You have to have your fix. It's like an addiction, no, more like a life support machine. Otherworlds, fantasies of happiness, and real experiences that aren't your horrible existence become the iron lung keeping air flowing in and out. You are alive because you can stop thinking for a while. Your friends come over to comfort you. Their stories keep you sane and well, like dialysis for all the toxins in you. Your mind has failed at being independent, and now it relies on a thousand little machines to keep itself running. You rely on one machine until another comes to save you. You read books until your friends come by. You stretch out your time with friends until you have to bury yourself in a movie again just to keep the thought of real-life away.

It feels like untamed anger. Your friends can't keep this up forever. You fall further and further, and you eventually start dropping commitments. You have become That Person, the flake that everyone knows will back out. People start getting annoyed at you, annoyed at how they have to spend so much time just keeping you afloat, annoyed at how often you're causing them trouble by constantly disappearing and backing out of appointments, and so on. Your workplace gets annoyed at your lack of productivity. And then you can't take it anymore, and you want to scream at them, grab them by the throat and shake them because IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! You start having twisted fantasies, the ones where you walk up to that person who keeps telling you he can't do this anymore, you're just too unreliable, putting a gun to your head and pulling the trigger. Just to make him know, for once, that FUCK HIM, your problems are REAL, DAMMIT, REAL, and he better FUCKING RESPECT that. And when you're gone, he'll fall to his knees and cry, and he'll say, he wishes he had understood, that he didn't mean to be so unkind, and the scar on his heart from his own failure will remain fresh and knotted for eternity. And then you shake yourself out of the daydream, and you wonder why you have turned into such a horrible person, someone who even considers ending their own life just to spite another human being. Then it creeps back in, the knowledge that the world is getting fed up with you...and the cycle begins again. You start thriving off these daydreams, because at the very least if you can't be happy, you can throw caution to the wind and get the petty, oddly satisfying revenge buried under all those layers of morality that are becoming worn and flaking away. It's just a fantasy, right? And it helps pass the time...

It feels like forever. You have forgotten what it's like to truly be joyful. You can imagine it, but it's not really you in those thoughts. This is who you are. This is your life. This is you.

It feels like you have only one thing truly under your power: your existence. You cannot choose what life throws at you. Your brain and body have betrayed you. Your friends have worn away, and you've fled from your job and any commitments you have.

It feels empowering. You can jump whenever you want.

But he accepted you the way you are. He never reproached you for negatively influencing his mentality or life, even though you knew he felt it too. He always listened to you, he was with you even at 2 in the morning when you were crying on the bathroom floor with your knees to your chest, and you knew it wasn't right. It wasn't right for him to go through, basically, what you were going through. But no matter how much you told him you could do it without his help, Max was coming back more insistently than ever.

He came up with the idea to start therapy. "You have to find out why you feel this way. Go at least once, see how it is, if you don't like it or feel that it doesn't help you, you will give up, okay?" That was a year and a half ago.

The psychologist gave you a diagnosis from the first session: Major Depressive Disorder. Sure you knew what the three words meant, but you didn't know what it meant to have a label on your condition.

"A major depressive disorder is characterized by one or more of these depressive episodes. the diagnosis of major depressive disorder requires depressed mood or anhedonia which is the loss of interest in pleasure and five or more signs or symptoms for the SIGECAPS mnemonic for a 2-week period. (SIGECAPS) Sleep Disturbance, loss of Interest, feeling Guilty, feeling fatigued and low in Energy, having decreased Concentration, decreased or increased Appetite and been agitated and slow and having Suicidal ideation."

It sounds incredible to you. Suicidal thoughts? Not everyone has a thought, somewhere, behind their mind 'What if I disappeared?'

You were prescribed Prozac and Zoloft and it helped. You weren't always sad anymore, you could go to the races with Max and support him as a normal girlfriend does. You apologized to my friends who tried to help me and whose lives you made impossible and you managed to get back to work, from home anyway. Sure, you still had moments when you felt like you weren't 100% yourself but not like before. You did therapy twice a week and the psychologist was happy with your evolution.

But being the stupid ass that you are, you stopped taking the medication. You took the last pill on Friday. Because you were fine. You felt ok, everyone around you told you you were better, you were doing amazing, so you were cured, right? Or so you thought. Saturday was normal. Sunday was not. Your mood and energy were very low. You woke up at like 2 in the afternoon. That is not unusual for you. You’re used to it. You were sad. You were exhausted. You knew that feeling like this was “no excuse” so you tried to force yourself to do it anyway. Typical of your life. You feel like you had already taken so much off work because of the triple-header, you were for three weeks attached to the hips with Max.

The only thing you thought of was dying. And that terrified you. And Max senses something was wrong. But he didn't want to tell something and ending up being wrong and you being upset by his misinterpretation. But, yes, he sensed that you were becoming your old self.

"Hey, babe," he snapped you out of your daydreaming. A tragic one, where you were finally at peace and Max was crying for you. You were on the verge of crying yourself at the mere image of Max in your head. But you pushed it far from your mind, somewhere in a dark corner for you to find it at an appropriate time to fantasize about your dying. "How about we go to a picnic? It's sunny outside."

Yes, the wheater was amazing. It was finally summer and you could go outside and spend some time with Max. But your brain literally is tricking you into thinking you don't deserve to enjoy the sunny day. Why? You don't have an answer.

"I'm not really in the mood, Max. Sorry."

You are not in the mood. That was his affirmation. You are not ok.

"You feeling good?"

"Yeah. Just tired I guess."

"But you just woke up."

You shrugged. He was right. You just woke up, so why do you feel like you were carrying a ton of bricks on your shoulders? You couldn't walk. You almost felt like 18 months ago. And that is when it hit you. And Max, at the same time.

"Still taking your meds, I hope."

Silence. Your mind was like overcrowded and you couldn’t take it anymore. You grabbed your head and pulled your hair because you wanted it to stop. You were thinking that you didn’t know what to think. You didn’t know how to think. You didn’t know how you felt. You were like anxious-depressed-angry-miserable-irritable all in one. Your head was spinning with thoughts. Thoughts were talking over thoughts. So fast that you couldn’t even make out one complete sentence. It was just too much for you to handle. You just wanted someone to kill you.

Max came to you and he hugged you so hard you thought he could crush your bones right there and then. You calmed down eventually. But now you were embarrassed. Because Max saw you, again, at your lowest. Because you promised you'll get better, and for a while, you were better, but now you are fucked and back into square one. All those money on therapy and your pills, for what? For you to stop taking them because you thought you were feeling better? Well, you definitely were not ok, nor you'll be. So, yeah, being fucked sounded good.

Max brought you the medicine and a glass of water. Taking the pills again? For what? The pills only fuel the feeling that everything is fine and that you are a normal person. Nothing was good and you were not a normal person.

But you took the pills. And you looked Max in the eyes and you wanted to die. He seemed crushed. He was sad, devastated, maybe angry but definitely disappointed. In you. Because maybe you don't realize this, but while you were doing good, he was doing great. He knew you could be on your own so he stopped worrying that much, and that could also be seen in his driving. He was winning more races, he was at his best and now he was at his lowest. Because you were at your lowest; co-dependency and shit.

"I'm sorry, baby. I thought I was doing well enough to stop taking the meds," you say in a broken voice but the tears are yet to appear. He stroked your hair and kissed you on your forehead.

"You should have told me. You don't have to go thru this alone. I am here."

"Yeah, you are here. But you don't have to be!" you snapped. Irritability, one thing your depression came with. "I am just a burden for you. And no, this does not come from the fact I stopped taking my pills. You took care of me like I was a child, and, fuck it, you don't deserve this."

"Stop talking like this, alright? If I would suffer from depression you would have done the same thing. You would have taken care of me. Or am I wrong?"

"You are not wrong. To be honest, I don't think I would be here if it wasn't for you, but I don't want you to be. It's obvious that I would never get better. This is me. I am fucked in the head, half wishing I was dead and I am just bringing you down."

"Don't tell me this is a fucking break up, Y/N." he narrows his brows and looks at your features to make sure you were being serious.

“I’ll leave, and the world will move on. I just wish I could see it. See how much better everything is when I’m gone.”

"What the fuck are you talking about? Is this a break-up or a suicidal vocal note?"

You broke down. Crying can be cathartic and healthy, but if it goes on too long it can lock your body in a feeling of despair. Even if your mind works through the problem that caused the crying, because your body is still feeling the physical effects it will cause your mind to revert to the negative state. It's not sadness. It's dread and paralysis. You had a certain feeling of emptiness and purposelessness.

“You’re good at finding things. Find me a reason to stay,” you say between sobs.

"You want me to find you a reason to stay alive or to stay in this relationship? To be frank, I can name a thousand reasons, but it all depends on you."

Max hugs you from behind and you lay your head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat that was stronger than ever. You allowed yourself to inhale Max's scent, a soothing scent you could get drunk on.

"I want to believe you love me. I mean, I love you and I consider you the love of my life, you know? We are so young and I know it doesn't feel like it, but I promise you, I'm gonna marry you someday, even if right now you don't think you're gonna make it till tomorrow. So, yeah, this is reason number one," he said and pressed a kiss to your cheek. "This is not the worst you have been through in life. Remember where you were 18 months ago; you had no idea what was wrong with you. Now you know and you know you can be better. I know you get sick of those pills, but maybe, in the future, you won't need them. Isn't that exciting? This was reason number two," he said and pressed another kiss to your cheek. He was going to do that every time he would give you a reason. "Have you been to all the beautiful places around the world? Sure, you came to a few Grand Prix, but you never saw Great Ocean Road in Australia, you know Daniel promised he would take us there someday. You never saw Pamukkale in Turkey or Japan in Cherry Blossom season or the Blue Lagoon in Iceland. There are many places you need to visit, baby. So, yeah, this was reason number three. I don't know if you want me to continue but I can give you one more reason. Reason number four. Do it for you, baby. You deserve to live and be happy. I know you can be happy and I promise you I will do my best to help you. You just have to take it one step at a time. You just have to let me in. Let me help you, baby."

You turn around, facing him now. You loved him, with all of your heart. You love him for who he is. You love him because he literally came into your life as your lifeline. You love him because he helped you crawl up the deep bottomless abyss of depression. You love him because he had the patience and the audacity to bear with your depression, anxiety, and panic attacks, your phobias, your mood swings, your temperamental and short-tempered nature, your overthinking, your being overprotectiveness, and possessiveness. You love him because never once he thought of giving up on you in your hard times. You love him because he stands by you like a rock of unwavering support and he’s someone you can fall back on. You love him because he listens to you talking non-stop about your past, your pains, your fears, and your losses without complaining even once. You love him because he rediscovered you and helped you find yourself again when you were lost in darkness. You love him because he filled you with confidence and hope and strength and belief and determination. You love him because he believes you are the best when you set your mind on something and no one can stop you from achieving your goals. You love him because he is protective, caring, understanding, loving, and easy to be with while never being too suffocating or taking up your space. You love him because sooner or later he does everything you ask of him and does with his whole attention. You love him because whatever endeavor he engages in, he likes to give his 100% and hates doing half-hearted things. You love him because he can decode the nuances in your voice and judge your mood just perfectly. You love him because he read you like an open book and he can hear your silence. You love him because he never doubts your loyalty, your intentions, your hard work, and your million issues. You love him because no matter how busy he might get he never forgets that you are waiting for his message or his call. You love him because he keeps you in his priorities. You love him because he gave you a passion you never knew you had. You love him because he very strongly believes that you deserve the best of everything. You love him because he is empathic, kind, magnanimous, thoughtful, and down to Earth. You love him because he has eyes for no one but you. You love him because he wants to see you healthy, wealthy, prosperous, famous and he wants you to hold back at nothing, for no one, he wants you to be a Go-Getter. And most importantly you love him because no one ever loved you like he did.

"I will let you in," you say and you kiss him hard. "I'm sorry for the scene I caused."

"Don't be. It happens."

[not-me-simping-for-blasty]

I Melt With You - Bakugou Katsuki

All Parts:

Part 2:

You never end up getting a text from Kirishima.

The following night, when you return from your shift at the hospital, what you find waiting for you instead is a gift basket. It’s filled to the brim with boxes of food, and packets of tea, a few dishtowels, and, surprisingly enough? A job offer.

Thank you for saving one of our own. The attached note reads. Due to your impressive quirk and quick thinking, we’d like to offer you a spot on our medical team. The Hero Public Safety Commission would love to utilize your talents. Call at the number listed for more information. We’ll be waiting.

You think the note sounds a little ominous, if you’re being completely honest. While it’s a nice offer, and one you’ll probably at least ask a few questions about, was the ‘We’ll be waiting’ really a necessary addition to the note? It makes the whole message read as an order, not a suggestion, and that makes your stomach uneasy. 

The knowledge that they know about your quirk sits a little heavy too. You’d always tried to keep a tight lid on your power; only using it when absolutely necessary for as long as you could remember. You didn’t like digging into people’s brains, and you knew that it was an easy power to exploit if left in the wrong hands.

People felt pain for a reason. You knew that better than anybody.

Still, you did end up calling the number, and you did end up accepting the offer. As uncomfortable a reason as it was, the money was undeniable. The local hospital’s salaries just couldn’t compete.

You were quickly reassigned to a hospital in the center of Musutafu, and it was a bit of a culture shock. You’d always lived on the outskirts, and the villian presence there was laughable in comparison to the inner city. Suddenly, you were extremely busy, nearly constantly drowning in work and people who needed your help, but you didn’t mind. You’d always been passionate about being a nurse, and now you felt fulfilled in ways you hadn’t before.

All in all, you considered Bakugou a strange blessing. He might’ve been rude, and violent, and just generally pretty unpleasant when you first met him, but you didn’t hold it against him. If you really thought about it, you were nothing but grateful- well, as grateful as you could be to a guy who bled all over your apartment and then never talked to you again. 

Still, you always wondered if he was alright. As much as you tried to forget about it entirely, you couldn’t wipe that night from your mind. When you took his pain, you were nearly winded by the anger and terror he felt. It was more than just shock, more than just fear over his injuries- it was something lasting, developed, something he’d been struggling with for a long time. A feeling that intense was hard to forget.

It was nearly three months before you saw him again.

Your day had been hectic, as it nearly always was. There had been a villian attack near a residential subdivision, and while the casualties were few, there were innumerous injured civilians. The entire day had been spent rushing between rooms, splinting broken limbs, applying casts, and evaluating for concussions. You were exhausted, nearly dead on your feet, when one of your superiors pulled you away.

“We need your quirk.” She says, tapping her foot impatiently.

“Excuse me?”

“We need your quirk. We’ve got a special guest, and we need it as painless an experience for him as possible. It’s the least we could do for him.” 

“Oh? Um, okay? Who is it?”

She doesn’t answer, just spins on her heels and motions for you to follow. Your superior walks fast, leading you down winding hallways and past operating rooms, all the way down to the small luxury wing. You know what you’re in for now- a hero. 

Your hospital had treated a lot of injured pro-heroes in the past, but you’d never been chosen to help before. You mostly stayed in the general part, assisting with the civilians heroes saved instead of the pro’s themselves. You briefly wondered why you were chosen- you figured whoever it was had to be pretty important if they wanted you to take away his pain entirely.

“Take your time with him, he’s your last patient. I know your shift’s not over, but, trust me, all you’ll want to do is go home after treating him. So be grateful for the time off.” Is all your superior says, pushing you through a door. “ Alright. Good luck.”

Then she shuts the door behind her, leaving you with whatever problem-child she was mentioning- and what a problem-child he is.

One look at blonde hair and red eyes and you realize your earlier assumption was wrong. You weren’t chosen to make his experience as painless as possible- you were chosen to make the hospital’s experience as painless as possible. 

Still, you’ll push through it. You’re tired, but that doesn’t mean Bakugou’s injuries should be ignored. Upon first look, you notice gauze around his forearm and one of his knees. When he turns his head, he’s got a shallow cut spanning across his temple, and of his fingers looks oddly blue and swollen. All things considered, at least it’ll be a quick visit. You’re fairly confident it’s not gonna be anything more than stitches and maybe a finger splint for him.

“Alright, first things first, any other injuries I should know about? Besides the obvious ones, I mean.” You say, pulling over a cart and taking the blood pressure cuff from it. You start taking his vitals, smiling up at him from where he’s sat on top the hospital bed. “Secondly, it’s nice to see you again. I’m glad you’re not unconscious this time.”

“Excuse me? The hell are you on about?”

“Wait, do you not remember me?”

“Nah, ‘m fuckin’ supposed to?” He bristles, his shoulders tensing up. “You a fan of mine or some shit?”

You roll your eyes- you’d always sort of naively hoped he was more pleasant when not gravely injured, but you’re quickly realizing that not’s the case. Bakugou is prickly. Prickly, prickly, prickly.

“No. Not exactly a fan.” You answer him coyly, moving to rinse your hands clean at the sink. You slip on a pair of latex gloves, gather some antiseptic, some gauze, and your stitching kit, and then you turn back to him. “You might not remember it, especially considering your head wound that night, but three months ago you crash landed on my balcony.”

Bakugou blinks, once, twice, and then he’s red in the face and screaming.

“You! Fuckin’ you!” He roars, lips pulled back over his sharp canines. “You were in my goddamn head! Fuckin’ witch.”

“Okay. Well, yeah, you’re technically correct- but that’s not a very nice way to thank me for saving you. And it’s a quirk, not witchcraft.” You reiterate, nearing him with the antiseptic wipes. Bakugou recoils back, slapping your hand away lightly. You’re entirely unimpressed at his actions. “Calm down, I’m not going to use my quirk on you; at least, not without your explicit permission. I’m just here to stitch you up.”

He just huffs, nostrils flaring as he glares down at you.

“Have you ever gotten stitches before?” You ask. 

A part of you is aware the question is kind of dumb, especially considering his career, but you figure you should ask anyway. In your experience, patients generally receive treatment a lot better if you talk them through it.

“Yeah.” He answers. “Not while fuckin’ lucid though.”

 “Alright, that’s fine. We can work with that. But, that means you must not get hurt a lot then, huh?”

“Nah. Never.” 

Bakugou’s voice is proud, and when you look up at him, he’s smirking. You think that expression is only mildly less irritating then his grimace- but, maybe he’ll finally let you take a look at his arm now. You decide to try, your hands nearing the bandages around his forearm, but he smacks you away again.

“Bakugou. Stop. I need to take a look, alright? That’s what you’re here for, so let me do my job. I won’t use my quirk on you, I promise.” You tell him earnestly, holding his gaze steadfastly. “I couldn’t even if I wanted to, alright? I’ve got gloves on and it doesn’t work without skin-to-skin contact. So, could you please calm down for me?”

Bakugou’s eye twitches.

“Fine. But I’m fuckin’ watching you.”

“I’m sure you are.”

“I am.”

“I know. I’m not arguing with you.” You retort calmly.

You point at the cart, sighing in relief when he finally complies to your wishes. He sets his forearm flat on top of it, and you watch him wince slightly. There’s cloth and gauze wrapped around it, blood soaking through the makeshift bandage. You peel the material away gently, revealing a fairly large cut. The wound’s not very deep, thankfully, but it slices almost to the inside of his elbow. It is going to need a fair amount of stitches, but luckily most of the active bleeding seems to have stopped.

“Alright,” You start, catching his gaze. “This doesn’t look too bad, but it might scar.”

“No fuckin’ shit. Dumbass.”

“Bakugou, take a breath for me. I didn’t mean any harm by the comment, okay? I’m just doing my job and being honest with you.”

“I don’t need your fuckin’ honesty.”

“No, maybe not, but you do need me to stitch you up.” You try to keep your voice level, treat him delicately even as he fights you with every breath. It’s challenging work, but no more strenuous than any other difficult patient you’ve ever dealt with. “Alright, so I’m gonna clean around the wound, apply some local anesthetic, and then stitch you up. Sound good?”

“I don’t need the goddamn step by step, I’m not a fuckin’ kid. So just get on with it already.”

“I’m just trying to be accomodating.” You reply with a sigh. You take his forearm gently, working around the wound with an antiseptic wipe. You hear him suck in a breath. “Sorry. I’m sure it probably stings.” 

“Don’t pity me.”

“It’s- I’m not.” You can’t help but sigh in slight frustration. It’s normally a reaction you’d try to cut short, but Bakugou’s being needlessly rude- you think he deserves to hear it. “Look, I was trying to be professional, and normally I’d never say this, but I’m- I’m not being paid to argue with you, alright? I’m just here to fix you up. So, if you’d rather me just stay silent while I do that, that’s perfectly fine. Just say so. I won’t be offended.”

“Good. Shut the fuck up then.”

Irritation flares in your chest, but you do your best to breathe through it. He’s far from the most difficult patient you’ve ever had, but something about his clipped words and guarded expression has you just as annoyed. You think it might be his eyes- the way they seem to always be tracking you, zeroing in on any and all possible flaws. 

Still, you try to ignore his attitude anyways, and it becomes a little easier as you focus back on dressing the wound, finishing up with the antiseptic wipes and moving on to the anesthetic. You almost consider lathering the numbing gel on while it’s still freezing cold, but you quickly decide against letting his bad attitude interfere with your job performance. You don’t want to sink to his idiotic level. 

You’re warming the gel packet in your palm, rubbing to create friction and heat, when he speaks again.

“You can skip that.”

“Yeah. I could. But I won’t- it generally makes the whole process a lot smoother if you can’t feel every stitch.” You say simply, tearing the gel packet open. “Sorry in advance if it’s still cold, I tried to warm it up a bit.”

“I’ll be fuckin’ fine.”

“I’m sure you will. Still though, most people flinch, so I figured I’d warn you anyways.”

Bakugou doesn’t say anything in response, just flares his nostrils as you spread the anesthetic over his arm. True to your words, he does flinch at first, and that only seems to piss him off more. You can’t really see his face from where you’re hunched over his forearm, but you’re sure he’s probably scowling. You wait a few moments for the gel to activate, and then you’re opening your kit and lacing thread through your needle. Thankfully your arm feels steady today, and it’s easy work as you begin stitching up his wound. 

Bakugou’s a pretty good patient. Surprisingly. He breathes quietly through his teeth, fist clenched as he tries so very hard not to admit his discomfort. He actually reminds you a lot of the children you so often treat. 

You find an easy rhythm sewing him up, your fingers gently prodding his arm as you work. You do your best to be delicate, treating him just as gently as you would any other patient- even if he irritated you. When you look up at him, Bakugou just traps his bottom lip between his teeth and creases his eyebrows. Those same red eyes study you again, almost looking right through you. You hold eye contact for as long as you can stand, but under his intense gaze it’s less than a few seconds.

“Alright. Almost done.” You mutter softly, dropping your eyes back down to his arm. You resume your stitching, eyebrows drawn together in concentration. “Thanks for keeping still for me.”

“Yeah. Whatever.” He grumbles, but his voice is a little softer now. He seems almost calmer, none of the bite from earlier coating his words. “Nothin’ special.”

“No, really. I mean it. You wouldn’t believe how much harder it is to treat somebody who’s panicking.”

“It wouldn’t be difficult if you weren’t such a shitty nurse.”

“If you didn’t want to be treated by me, you could’ve asked for somebody else. But you didn’t.” You comment easily, taking the kit’s scissors and cutting the thread. “You really missed your chance- could’ve caused a whole scene, Bakugou.”

“No thanks.”

“Wow, and here I thought you actively enjoyed making as big a scene as possible. Guess not.” You can’t help but tease, smiling slightly. “Or did you just want an excuse to come and bleed all over me again?”

“That’s- no. Shut up. You’re annoying.” Bakugou barks, blushing slightly as he turns his head away. “Fuckin’ witch.” 

“You really shouldn’t call me names when I’m the one treating your wounds.”

“I’ll do whatever the hell I want. And you started it, fuckin’ pryin’ around in my head.” 

“I wasn’t prying.” You tell him, turning away as you grab new gauze and bandages. “I was bringing you out of shock. I’m sure you don’t remember, but you were threatening to blow my entire apartment up.”

“No! I wasn’t! You just wanted to fuckin’-”

“Wanted to what? Help you? Stabilize your condition? Make sure you didn’t die out on my balcony?” You press the gauze carefully over his stitches, making sure none of the sutures catch on the cloth. “Yeah. Guess I did want to do that.” 

“Still shouldn’t a fuckin’ done it.”

“Okay, well I did, and I’m still sorry if it felt invasive. Believe me, I wouldn’t have done it unless it was absolutely necessary.”  You tell him honestly, trying to catch his gaze even as he avoids looking at you. “And, it was months ago, you know? So no point holding a grudge. Especially since I’ll probably be seeing a lot more of you from now on.”

“What, you think I’m gonna get myself killed again? Fat fuckin’ chance. I’m not that fucking weak.”

“Are you always this defensive?” You ask him, wrapping the bandages gently around his arm. “I meant, this hospital’s the main center for relief efforts, alright; so even if you try to avoid me, we’re bound to see each other if you ever end up back here for whatever reason. I wasn’t insinuating that you’d definitely get hurt again.”

“Fuckin’ sounded like it.”

“I didn’t mean for it to.”

“Yeah whatever. Pick up the goddamn pace.” He rolls his eyes, dramatically swinging his hurt leg up onto the table. You’re sure it has to hurt, but Bakugou keeps his pride. He doesn’t even wince. “My leg’s not gonna fix itself. Get the fuck to it already.”

“Okay, alright. You got it.”

Luckily, you don’t have to cut the material of his hero costume away just yet. His pants are already torn, thin, scattered slices exposing his leg all the way to the tops of his thighs. When you take a look at his knee, you’re not pleased with what you find.

Removing the gauze unearths a strange web of metal shards sticking out of his skin. They don’t seem to be stuck worryingly deep, but there’s a lot of them and some of them are quite large. You’re gonna need to pluck them all out, and give stitches for the big ones. Your short visit with Bakugou just got a lot longer.

“Alright. So this is gonna take some time, but the good news is, nothing is actively bleeding on your knee.” You tell him. “So, I’m thinking I’m gonna sew up the cut on your forehead first, alright? Head wounds bleed a lot more. That should be taken care of first.”

“Fuck are you tellin’ me, for? Your job, you do it.”

“Oh- yeah. Sorry.” You apologize. “Guess I’m used to treating kids. Lots of mom’s hanging around and asking questions, you know?”

“No. ‘m not a fuckin’ nurse.”

“No, you are not.” You breathe out, hardly able to keep the sarcastic tone out of your voice. “Okay, I’m gonna need you to lie back for me.”

He grumbles, but falls back anyways. You sigh in relief, grateful for his acquiescence. You honestly thought you’d have to fight with him about that.

You begin the process all over again- cleaning, applying gel, and then stitching the wound close. Bakugou doesn’t say anything while you work, but he does let his eyes flutter shut. He kept them open at first, staring you down relentlessly, but eventually he doesn’t seem to like all the unintentional eye-contact as you lean over him. You think it’s strange- the way he seems to melt into the hospital bed even as you’re sewing up his forehead. You begin to realize that his day was probably just as long as yours, if not longer.

You fall into an easy rhythm again, and time passes peacefully before you know it.

“You almost done?” He peeks an eye open, voice gravelly when he speaks.

“Yep. Almost. Just one more up here and then we can move on to your knee.”

“You can move on to my knee. I’m not doin’ shit.”

“Oh my,” You mutter under your breath, cutting the thread with your scissors. You clear your throat before speaking again. “So are you always this difficult with the other nurses?”

“No. Only the dipshits who go diggin’ around in my fuckin’ head.”

“Well, I only have to dig when people threaten to blow up my apartment.”

Bakugou doesn’t seem to have a response to that. He just closes his eyes and huffs through his nose, ending the conversation entirely.

That’s fine with you- if he wants to stay quiet, you’re not complaining.

It’s quiet as you begin working on his knee, nothing but the soft metallic clink of your tools and Bakugou’s own breaths. You think it’s a strange sort of calm, but also a little nice too. You’d been worked to the bone all day, rushing and scrambling and giving instructions- it was nice to just sit back and focus on one thing at a time.

You think Bakugou must feel it too, because when you look up at him he’s still lying back. He’s got his head pressed back into the pillow, his uninjured arm thrown over his eyes while the injured one lies across his stomach. His index finger is still blue, but not any more blue than it was when he walked in. You’re not sure how he’s managing to look so relaxed, despite being in what you guessed was a fair amount of pain.

You wonder what kind of day he had that made his hospital visit out to be the most relaxing part. You try not to think about it too long- try not to fit that anger and terror you felt into a make-believe narrative.

“Alright. That around does it for that.” You say softly, wrapping a bandage around his knee. “If you don’t mind me asking, what happened? With the metal- it doesn’t look like any shrapnel I’ve ever seen before.”

“It’s not.” He drops his hand from across his face, voice deeper and slower than before. Groggy almost. “Fucker had a metal quirk. Shattered a car right next to me.”

“Oh. That really doesn’t sound fun. I’m sorry.”

“Not your fault. Don’t apologize for stupid shit.”

You find that oddly ironic- pretty much your entire job was apologizing and showing understanding for things that weren’t your fault. You decide there and then, without a single shadow of a doubt, Bakugou would make the worst nurse in the world. Far shittier than you, no matter what he said.

“All that’s left now is your finger.” You say, grabbing at his hand gently. “Sorry if this hurts, but I’ve gotta feel and see if it’s broken. I’m fairly sure it’s sprained, but just in case.”

“Whatever.”

“Wow, no fight? None at all?” You joke, applying as gentle pressure as you could to his finger. “You tired or something?”

Bakugou just nods, letting his eyes shut once more.

Up close again, you notice the circles under his eyes, the paleness of his skin. His face doesn’t even contort as you prod at his finger, and it almost breaks your heart when you realize how high his pain tolerance must be. The only way he’d be able to be even half as calm as he currently was, was if he was getting hurt like that on the regular. Which, you figure, probably comes with the job description in his case- but the thought still flooded you with sympathy anyway.

“All good, just a pretty severe sprain.” You tell him. “Now, metal splint or dressings? Your choice.”

“Dressings.”

You squint a little bit, at him. You’re pretty sure a metal splint would be easier, and more convenient, but he looks pretty sure in his choice. You shrug, figuring that you did give him the choice for a reason. Maybe he just finds dressings more comfortable.

You dig out an ace bandage from your medical cart, setting it on the hospital bed as Bakugou sits up. He still looks a little tired, breaths slow and even as he looks at you through half-lidded eyes. You figure he must suffering a pretty serious adrenaline crash- if he’s not, then you’re not sure what the attitude change is about. He just looks so calm, so quiet that you almost can’t place him as the same angry guy you’d been faced with earlier. 

You unwind the bandage, taking his hand into yours. His palms are strange, calloused and tough, unnatural heat radiating off of them. It’s a little hard to ignore, but you figure it’s just his quirk, so you press on without comment. You’re pressing his index and middle fingers together, half-way through wrapping the bandage around them when he speaks.

“Too lose. Do it again.”

“It’s not loose, I promise. I know what I’m doing.”

“It’s loose.” He says again, more insistently this time. “Do it again.”

“Okay.” You sigh, figuring that starting over entirely would still somehow take less time than fighting with him. “But just this once, alright? As an apology for ‘digging around’ in your head.” 

Bakugou just nods tightly. 

When you start again, you try a different approach. You’d been trying to avoid touching him earlier, to soothe his worries about your quirk, but you start to think that maybe it caused your splinting to suffer. You decide to just go about it normally this time, grabbing his wrist and flipping it upwards just like you usually would. Bakugou seems to stiffen for a moment, but then he’s huffing a breath and lolling his head forward to his chest. You watch his eyes flutter shut.

You think that’s a strange reaction. You really expected him to put up more of a fuss about your touching him- he doesn’t though, and you take the little win. Chalk it up to just how tired he seems to be.

“There- you’re all done now.” You say quietly, pressing the adhesive side of the bandage into place. “Everything feel good? Need anything else?”

He shakes his head, blinking his eyes open blearily. If you didn’t know any better, you really would’ve thought he’d fallen asleep while you were caring for him. Well, you figure, guess that makes twice now that’s nearly passed out beneath your fingers.

You think that’s pretty funny, but you keep it to yourself. Bakugou seems to be feeling relatively pleasant, and you don’t want to jinx it.

“Alright, so concerning the splint, wear it for at least a few weeks, and then take it from there, alright? And all the stitches are dissolvable except for the ones in your arm. Those ones will need to come out in about a week or so, but that’s a super simple procedure. You could probably get them removed in the med-wing at your complex. No need for a follow-up her-”

“No. I’ll be here.”

“You don’t have to. I can just write up some instructions and send you back, no problem. Really, it’s-’

“I said I’d be here, so I’ll fuckin’ be here.” He grumbles, clearing his throat. Bakugou averts his gaze, turning towards the window to avoid your eyes. “You did the stitches so you take them out. You’re not gonna fuckin’ get away with cuttin’ corners on me.” 

“Yeah. Okay. Whatever you want, I guess.” You say, a bit unsurely. “So I’ll see you in a week or so, alright? Somebody’ll give you a call.”

“Whatever.”

Bakugou then hops down from the bed, and you wince at the sound of his impact. You’d seen his knee first-hand, and you imagined that it probably hurt a lot to walk on it. He seemed unaffected though, shouldering his weight without fuss and hardly even limping as he walks out. The only sign he’s even slightly in pain, is the grunt that leaves him when he accidentally tries the door handle with his injured hand. 

He’s so quick that you can’t even ask him if he wants crutches or not. The thought hardly even enters your head before he slams the door shut behind him.

--/--

taglist:  @fluffyviciousbunny @definitelynottrin @imsuperawkward @i-need-air @ahbeautifulexistence @brennabooz @jazzylove @flattykawadoorusmilkbread @katsuki-bakubabe @sorrythatspussynal @bakugouswh0r3

[swampythesweetsketch]

 Fun idea I had this morning but I want to share with you guys for fun.

NSR GUARDIAN ANIMAL AU

Gist of AU is that someone/something is born with a tiny, magical animal that accompanies them.

Think Golden Compass but everything gets a animal, and the animals also act as magical instruments.

Imma call these creatures "Notels".

Qwasa energy is the lifeblood of these creatures, of which means the world is rampant with energy. Drawback is that the city's blackouts are caused by a lack of artists openly preforming for the energy to freely flow.(Unknown to NSR)

NSR are the major power to Vinyl City due to their rare instance of multiple/being bigger than average Notels.

Buildings have Notels that act as protector to their home (confined to that one space). They stay until the home is demolished, they will continue to exist to supply their home(s) with energy until they are exhausted of all musical resources.

Security bots have their own Notels, but the animals are smaller, chibi versions that focus their energy on keeping their mechanical holders charged at all times. They can hop onto other bots if their initial bot is destroyed in combat and will scurry off to new energy sources if there is no other bots around.

Human(oid) figures have more normal sized Notels that turn into various instruments that match up to their talents. They can also turn into other objects, but Notels are more music focused.

Non-music Notels are often referred as Nolls.

TIME TO HOP TO THE CAST AND PLOT

Bunk Bed Junction!

The two are still a band, but their sewers becomes a underground cavern that has old scriptures that depicts the more open, free flowing energy of Notels. They wish to join NSR in hopes of opening up the freedom of performance to other artists.

Pretty much like the OG B2J, but their focus is changed a bit to help Notels become stronger beings to help Vinyl City climb out of the black outs.

As Vinyl City keeps getting the blackouts and music tastes have all become selective, many Notels have started disappearing due to their respective genres starting to die out in the EDM dominate city.

Mayday's Notel is a rat! A smart creature that came to her in early age, it turns into her guitar. It stays perched in her hair and loves the food from Aunty, as to why B2J are regulars.

Aunty's Noll is a octopus, that turns its tentacles into various cooking utensils. I thought you might like to know.

Zuke's Notel ia Ellie! The little alligator uses their back scales as Zuke's drums and fangs as drumsticks! Ellie is still an integral support character as she and Zukes share the only braincell in the group.

Kill, who pops in after DJSS, has a armadillo Noll that turns into his phone.

First Artist, DJ Subatomic Supernova.

The first NSR artist they face off against is DJ Subatomic Supernova. His Notel is a dog, a nod to Laika, the first animal to ever orbit the Earth.

The Notel is made of pure Qwasa, with rings around its tail that turn into the scratch discs DJSS uses with a custom turntable. These rings will always burn up and become compact Qwasa stars that fizzle out over time. These stars are the main energy source for Club Planetarium.

The dog is massive, about the same size as DJSS. It's breed is best described as a greyhound.

Second Artist, Sayu.

She herself is a Notel!!! Kura Kura Stream Hun was once a interactive hologram theater that fell under, and Sayu was once a little fish Notel that swam around the building. When the place went under, she was alone for years.

It wasn't until the new NSR kids found Sayu and evolved their idea of reviving their old favorite building into a giant aquarium for Sayu to preform. And in debut of her inclusion to the NSR artists, Sayu evolved into the mermaid you see today!

The kiddos do have their own Notels that work as the aquatic buddies to Sayu!

Tila writes Sayu's lyrics and the beta singer of all the mermaid's song. She's the only one in the four creators that has a Notel. That is a vibrant green-red beta fish that turns into a small microphone for Tila to sing into.

Remi is the artist of the group, his Noll is a sunfish that uses its body as a drawing surface. When drawn on with a new design, it will swim around Sayu and act as a "magical transformation" of sorts.

Dodo is the choreographer for Sayu, teaching her the moves for her shows. His Nolls are mossballs. Tiny little things that act as the tail in Dodo's routines to help Sayu understand the whole of her dancing!

Sofa, the editor, has eel nolls that work in the background with him to navigate the theater and control lighting and setting for Sayu's preformance. He's the one with the strongest Nolls as their energy helps fluctuate the surroundings.

Third Artist, Yinu!

Her district is unique as she is a classical prodigy that seems to be the only other genre kept actively alive in Vinyl City.

Her Notel is a gosling, who uses their feathers as piano keys. The keys break apart over time as Yinu and her Notel are not fully grown, so she does most of her preformances with a physical piano until then.

Her mother's Noll is a spider, who uses their webs to create iron bars to trap B2J.

During Yinu's last stand in battle, her piano is broken already, so she and her Notel work together. But her Notel is near exhausted of feathers and has to stop when B2J reach her. They stay to help Yinu calm down and wait for her mother to shrink back down. They leave when the mother and daughter play the broken piano, helping Yinu's Notel regain energy.

Fourth Artist, 1010!

Neon J has a Moose Noll. I’m not sorry. It shrunk a bit since he became a cyborg to help charge his body. Back then it had to rely on tricking Neon J to sleep with soft lullabies to tune out the war going on, but now it can choose to stop feeding him its energy to force him to sleep.

White/Rin has a tiny wolf Notel that turns into a long microphone stand, he uses it for solos. Other than that, its a little wolf puppy that chases Rin around to keep him charged.

Red/Zimelu has a cockatiel Notel that turns into a microphone/drumstick combo. A single long, thin stick that Zim can sing into to generate a flat disc that sharpens into a circular saw, the handle acting as... the handle. 

The cockatiel loves perching on his arm and nibble his ascot.

Yellow/Haym has a rabbit Noll! It has a reaaaalllyy fluffy tail that pop off into pompoms! Haym loves using them to boost the moral of his team! When not in use, it lays in the faux ascot of Haym’s- he really had a hoodie hood for his rabbit to stay in!

Blue/Purl-Hew has a Snake Noll that extends it’s tail into a thread-thin whip. He uses it to grab his teammates out of danger. The snake loops around his neck and has constant yawns since Purl-Hew doesn’t exert a lot of energy outside of work.

Green/Eloni has a Cat Notel! It turns itself into cat ears headphones with a little microphones. When not doing anything else, it lops in the circle on Eloni’s head and cat naps there. He has trouble keeping his head straight sometimes, but he can never remove his precious chunk. 💚

When B2J crash their party, Mayday is terrified of Eloni’s cat and Purl-Hew’s snake cause she thinks they might eat her rat (Who she has gone to call Chebbar. Like Cheddar, but with a B).

When 1010 are nearly destroyed, all the Notels/Nells freak out in hopes of repairing their respective boys, but this only makes things work as they are what cause 1010 to ultimately explode.

When Neon J comes to the scene- atop 1010 limousine. No matter where I fight whether near or far- I bleed in the name of NSR-

When Neon J comes to the scene, he and his MEGA MOOSE NOLL (who turns into a rapier with many disfigured blades that hut out like antlers.

The Mother Machine that keeps spawning 1010′s new bodies has its own Noll that is respectively a doe. All of 1010′s Notels/Nolls rush to their protection. Moose dad and Deer mom are PISSED.

All the Notels and Nolls cling to their beaten owners after the fight, the doe keeps close to Neon J when the Mother Machine is destroyed.

Fourth Artist, Eve.

Eve has two Nolls, peacocks that are pink and white respectively. They turn into her masks or Humor and Tragedy.

When one is used, the other uses its feathers to construct large arms and hands that chase B2J around. When they swap, all hands and arms melt into puddles that can still cause damage if stepped in. They evaporate after a little bit.

The peacocks steal Eve and try to run into the white void when she’s defeated, pecking Zuke when he catches up to them and talks to Eve. They eventually deescalates the tension and pet them while they talk.

They follow B2J outside the studio in order to combine their feathers into a key that unlocks the gate to NSR tower.

Final Artist, Tatiana.

Tatiana has a Noll, a steel gray hummingbird. It looks dead a majority of the time. It may look rejuvenated one second, but the next it will look drained of all life. Tatiana refuses to acknowledge her Noll’s problem.

When B2J encounters Tatiana, they battle with their music which seems to revive the Noll. That catches Mayday’s attention.

Mayday goes in to shame Tatiana for neglecting her Noll’s need for Rock, revealing B2J’s motive for auditioning in the first place. 

To save the Notals, dying form the lack of their genre being played and oppressing artists that don’t fall in line of EDM.

Tatiana is caught off guard by the revelation, but listening to Mayday’s complaint, she turns her Noll into the clock hand blades she battles with. Using the rock music played by B2J to fuel her Noll’s power.

Mayday and Zuke are forced to drop their Rock solo and battle with EDM mixed with their tunes. The combination boosting their power enough to  overcome Tatiana ‘s attack.

As the battle concludes, the clock tower releases Tatiana’s guitar, who reveals to a phoenix Notel that has been supplying the tower with the majority of its power since Tatiana abandoned her old persona, Kul Fyra.

Kliff comes into the scene, and using Tatiana’s weakened Notel and Noll against her, takes control of them to grab the last bit of power from NSR.

All the defeated artists call in to see Tatiana, beaten. It is there that everyone is then told how the lack of genres have been killing off the Notels and causing the blackouts. But Tatiana refuses the idea... then her Noll collapses. 

Mayday and Zuke rush to the Noll’s aid and play their music for the poor thing. Kliff chews Tatiana out for not seeing the obvious. He misses the hypocrisy in his speech, as he only idolizes Rock as the definitive music genre of Vinyl City.

During their fight, Kliff uses his Noll to control the tower’s system and the satellite starts to fall.

The finale continues as normal, the districts are returned to their respective Artists, and Tatiana puts the call out for artists of all genres to come to the Grand Qwasa to preform like never before.

Kliff, seeing a error in his ways a little too late, gives back Tatiana’s Notels and leaves his own Noll behind with her.

Lyrics screamed, horns blasted, drums punctured, string snapped.

The blow of musical energy surges the Grand Qwasa as the whole city glows in a light long missed as every single artist plays their heart out. 

But it works, the tower transforms with the help of its Noll (a metronome) and flings the satellite back into orbit.

Mayday is given Tatiana’s offer to join NSR and refuses, and instead is gifted her Notel.

Tatiana’s Noll is fully revived and reveals to be another phoenix, still steel gray but it’s body burning brighter than ever before.

The announcement is made to restructure NSR, and in so, Vinyl City is opened alive once more to revived and brand new Notels.

ANNNNNNNNDDDD that’s the end! Thanks for reading my rambling of a AU that doesn’t change a lot but was fun to make! 

Byyyeeeeeee!!!!!!!

[void-galaxy-shenanigans]

Fml. ~CJ

I don’t normally post vents (not a fan of publicizing my struggles) but I can’t cope right now without sharing this somewhere.

~~ If we’ve DMed & you see this, no you don’t ((actually fr please message me or reply I just wanna hear from anyone who sees me/us as more than a fucking slave 😣)) ~~

I want to scream until my throat is bleeding and I physically can’t anymore.

I’m not normally that kind of person. I’m a persecutor. I’m loud, I’m strong, I’m ‘screw all of this, I’m me and I do what I want’, I’m...

Right now I’m quiet, overwhelmed, exhausted, ‘just leave me alone so I can fucking breathe’, I’m...

I’m spiraling.

I feel like I’m normally a tough guy on a rock watching over everything but now I’m on my knees bleeding out and just begging anyone to give me the strength to keep going.

Why?

Well, our parents are narcissists for a start. We live with them because we can’t hold down a job; we have undiagnosed chronic illness (we were told we should be tested for POTS, & fibromyalgia & chronic fatigue have both been brought to our attention) and they’re both causing and worsening our neurodivergent burnout (intentionally giving us foods we’ve said cause sensory overload knowing (fawn response) we’ll be forced to eat it, watching loud TV shows & high-pitch-shriek laughing, forcing us to get new jobs even though we aren’t stable yet, etc.). Keeping a job when you’ve lost the ability (severe burnout) to mask autism and ADHD (combined type), //and// have the potential to pass out/collapse with no diagnosis to prove you “aren’t faking it”? Yea...not fucking easy. And our parents know it too. (/snark at them)

But beyond that.

Mom got surgery recently; they took a rotten chunk out of one of her organs (it was necessary). It’s been ~2 days; she was told the expected recovery timeline is 5 weeks. For the first two weeks she can’t lift anything, can't open anything, can’t put pressure on anything—it could tear the stitches and it causes her pain. She can’t make her own food, can’t clean, can’t....anything. (She needs someone to make all of her meals for the day right now.) She’s not even supposed to walk alone incase she gets vertigo and collapses. She usually does all the household cleaning (dad’s laundry, her laundry, sweeping/vacuuming, wiping counters down, dishes - she asks for help sometimes but she wants it done perfectly (spotless, just the right amount of soaps, etc.) so she rarely lets anyone else do it), the shopping, making dinner for everyone, feeding & taking care of the dog, making the bed for her & dad, cleaning up after dad (he makes a mess)...& then on the rare occasion she has a break, getting on the computer or watching TV. She’s now watching TV, on the computer, trying to let everyone else handle it even though she (openly) dislikes giving other people control. (/srs)

So Dad is staying home to take care of the wife that he *loves so much ❤*, right?? (/snark at him)

Wrong. He didn’t stop going to karate classes, didn’t take any time off of work (not even a day), didn’t even stop going to his Dungeons & Dragons (pen & paper) games. Nothing. He left her to fend for herself, because of course his desires are more important than her being taken care of & his house being even remotely clean (/heavy sarcasm & snark at him).

So who’s doing the work, then, if his ✨fun activities✨ & work are all so much more important?

We are.

One, we are the child. We’re financially stuck here, and they know it (I mean, mom doesn’t call us a financial burden & pester us to go to a doctor to figure out our medical issues / get a job for no reason (/snark at her)). It’s bad for that reason.

But two?

We are disabled.

We are seriously disabled.

(I’m not saying we’re more disabled than others or in any way more deserving of help. I’m saying this relative to what’s expected of us & what we used to be capable of.)

By that I mean....

We grew up literally running everywhere (until around eight years old). We went for eight, nine mile uphill hikes happily (until around 15 years old). We played video games (DDO, Neverwinter, The Elder Scrolls, etc., & later Skyrim), we wrote stories & poems, we made crafts, we...

We never stopped going. We were go go go 🥰, do everything, enjoy everything, can't stop writing - the kid whose teachers kept saying “please calm down” “please sit down” “are you paying attention?”... your typical hyperactive ADHD kid.

And now?

We went for a two to three mile walk to get to the nearest nature park, sat down for three hours under the trees, rode the bus most of the way back, and walked half a mile. We were in bed, throbbing pain and dizzy and darkened vision (less vivid colours, as if everything is greyscale - happens when we’re super exhausted) and heavy limbs and unable to get up even to eat for a day, then barely able to get up for food before crawling back into bed so exhausted we couldn’t sleep for the next three to four days. After that, we were barely able to shower, eat food, message our boyfriend, and go back to bed. It took a week to recover enough to walk around the house longer than five minutes without intense vertigo.

We went for a nine mile walk to get to our nearest bank branch (we don’t have a car, cars are expensive), and we felt like our lungs were one of those permanently inflated balloons with the silver shine and so heavy we couldn’t breathe, and we were blind for half the walk back (the light went dark, we could only see streaks of colour, thank heck for muscle memory), and we couldn’t get out of bed for nine days (even to shower...the shower afterwards felt relieving but still painful).

We rode in a friend’s car to go hang out for a couple hours. We walked a couple loops in a small park (maybe a mile) before sitting down to chat away. They drove us back. We were in bed for two days, dull throb in our body, exhausted. (But no darkened vision this time.)

In all of these cases, sleep didn’t help. It made our mental health a little better (lower anxiety, less intrusive thoughts, less sleep-deprived hallucinating, etc.), but did nothing for the pain or the fatigue. Exercising actually made it worse, and stretching didn’t make anything better or worse / didn’t help at all.

Also in all of those cases, we used a walking cane to make it that far. We can’t go farther than half a mile (or around an hour to two hours) without a cane, and even with it we have to sit down around once every two hours for about ten minutes to stop the dizziness. (We didn’t used to use a cane ever, not even for costumes.)

We’re not just “I struggle to stand sometimes and standing up makes my whole body tremble haha 😅” disabled like we thought we were (because we brushed ourselves off fr), we’re “I collapse if I go sitting to standing or laying down to sitting/standing too fast” + “I collapse if I do too much” disabled. And for us, with our brain still absolutely ADHD and go go go, that....that sucks. A lot.

Knowing that, we are expected to take over all of mom’s tasks.

Yes, she knows, & he knows. They complain we’re “not a real adult” because we’re disabled. Mom even openly said she noticed one of our jobs clearly had a negative toll on our health (it involved lots of stand up → kneel down/bend over → stand up over & over). So it’s not that they don’t know we’re disabled, or I’d try to explain that.

We are expected to clean the house. We are expected to do the dishes. We are expected to do mom and dad’s laundry (dad won’t do his own - he really expects to get babied). We are expected to make mom and dad meals. We are expected to refill mom’s water. We are expected to take care of the dog. We are expected to walk mom to the bathroom, back to the couch, to meals.

I know that doesn’t sound like a lot but when our day typically consists of sitting down to write a little bit &/or game a little bit (up to two hours) and then laying in bed zoned out and exhausted the rest of the day (because that’s basically how much energy we have right now)...it’s a lot. We’re overstimulated and overwhelmed from being forced to do so much at once, exhausted/fatigued from it all, to the point I half collapsed (caught myself on our suitcase) getting out of bed this morning, slowly (which normally won’t make us collapse). & it’s only been two days. (& haha, the body’s birthday is tomorrow & I don’t think they’re even gonna acknowledge it for a second because they’re openly treating us like a useless slave right now 🙃)

We can’t keep this up for five weeks, not unless we have a wheelchair. (We technically have an emergency manual one, but it’s super uncomfortable after half an hour and mom refuses to let us use it because “a doctor didn’t prescribe it so it’s an insult to actually disabled people”, and we found out very quickly we don’t have the strength and stamina to roll ourselves around. We need a power one....but those are expensive asf, especially when you’re undiagnosed.) We’re going to collapse, maybe permanently. 😕

The only thing dad is doing, and only because we don't have a car, is picking up groceries (after we work with mom to create the grocery list & mom places an online/pickup order), and he’s complaining about that much. He stomps his feet and throws a tantrum if he’s asked to do the dishes, microwave leftovers for a meal (not even really making anything like we are), take out the trash, or take out the yard waste (which is all we’ve asked, while doing everything else).

And neither of them are even saying “thank you” or in any way acknowledging our effort. I got a snarky “don’t tell me those video games are wearing you out 😡, the dishes still need to get done 🥺” earlier today, so they’re even minimizing our pain.

And of course, because mom ✨always has it worse✨, we are not allowed to complain or explain any of this to them. So...fuck our life.

I’m so fucking exhausted. I’m tired of sleep being non-restorative. I’m tired of being a slave. I’m tired of living here.

I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired.

I want to scream.

~CJ

[edmund-valks]

Ilandreline - Soul Food

(( The Call - A Compound Beginning - Just One Cookie ))

She had nothing left to eat, a realization prompted by the sensation of fingernails scratching in an empty pouch.  A giggle escaped her.  There was something comical about running out of food in this vast wilderness.  "I could eat the plants."  That was her voice, wasn't it?  "They won't feed me, though.  They're made of nightmares and failure.  That won't do."

After realizing again her food pouch was empty, Ilandreline looked around.  Something about this place… She shook her head.  "Too hungry to think straight."  Her fingers wrapped around nothing in the little bag where she'd kept the last of her cookies.  "Wish those plant-things could help."

She reached for her water, settling for a drink now that there were only crumbs left to eat.  Squeezing the last drops into her mouth, she wondered what it would be like to die of dehydration at the end of her journey simply because she'd become so disoriented from a lack of food that she hadn't bothered to leave the Paths.  "Hah!  That would be some serious chump shit, wouldn't it, Granny?  Granny?"  She looked around, frowning at the emptiness where Aurelaine had been.  "Where'd you go?  Oh, there you are."

The old elf said nothing, merely sighed.  That was probably fair.  Ila wasn't exactly doing the family proud at the moment.  "Look, I know it's sad -- pathetic, even! -- but you have to admit it's funny.  Me dying, I mean.  Like this.  Right at the door out.  Hilarious!"

Maybe it wasn't that funny, now she thought about it.  More disappointing than funny.  That hurt, in a strange way.  She was used to disappointing her mother, but disappointing Granny Laine was something else entirely.  Maybe she should find a way not to do that?

"Would it be better if I, you know, left?  That way you wouldn't see it, right?"  She was beginning to suspect that wasn't really her grandmother at all.  Maybe it was a ghost.  Maybe it was a hallucination.  But would either of those be able to mimic the displeasure on her face so well?  She didn't know, ghosts were a Von thing, not an Ila thing.  "Whatever, it should work, I guess.  Or something.  Better to die where the dead go than here, where I'm like ninety percent sure they're just eaten.  Better than dying at a door I forgot to open then."

Again, the nagging feeling that there was an answer she was missing.  And again if fell away quickly, drowned out by the rumble of a stomach and the ridiculous situation she'd found herself in.  "Fuck it, let's just do the blood thing, plenty of that around here."  Someone laughed aloud -- it didn't sound like her, it was a bit high-pitched, kinda manic -- while Ila looked around for a plant to chop open.  There weren't many, for some reason.  This area seemed strangely barren, like if someone had cleared it intentionally.  That was odd.  Or was it?  She couldn't remember anymore.

Oh well.  No plants didn't mean no blood.  She had plenty.  Not just in her body, either!  Chuckling to herself, Ilandreline grabbed a large bottle from her pack, removing the stopper.  The iron-tang of its contents filled the air, tickling her nostrils with warm memories of a full belly.  Delicious.  Maybe if she drank the whole thing then-

No!  You're supposed to be doing something with this!  Nodding at the voice in her head, she stumbled around, emptying it as carefully as the wobbling terrain would allow.  Who authorized such an unstable plane?  She wanted to have words with them.  Or she would later, once her thoughts cleared up a bit; this haze was frustratingly hard to shake.  

She blinked bleary-eyed at her handiwork.  A circle… and now what?  Oh, right, some symbols of… uhhhh… similarity, right?  Making here like there and there like here and something big in the middle to represent an open conjunction of adjacent planes.  The blood was a perfect reagent because it was also a pun -- the places were joined because they started to bleed into one another.  A cackle from somewhere, probably her grandmother, who had decided to be invisible again.  That was her right, of course, but it got frustrating to be laughed at by someone you couldn't see.  Seemed rude somehow.

"Whatever, let's light this candle and uh… wait, there aren't any candles.  I… what was I supposed to use to…?  Oh, right!  Obviously."  She positioned herself over the central rune, giggling like a girl at the absurdity of everything.  Knife in hand, she opened her jacket and lifted her shirt out of the way.  While activating a circle normally didn't take too much, this wasn't a usual sort of rite.  Muttering something untranslatable in her family's Shath'yar dialect, Ilandreline slid the blade into her side.

The pain brought unexpected clarity.  Hissing through clenched teeth, she had a moment of recognition, one she did her best to cling to.  The life she gave to this work had to be placed here and here, with the proper invocations.  The words spilled out with only minimal slurring, the extensive practice Aurelaine had insisted on paying off in her moment of need.

This was indeed the exit, her planned destination and point of egress to the Shadowlands.  Despite being mostly delirious, she felt the work forming around her.  Through her?  Yes, that.  Black fire froze her arteries, leaving the pins-and-needles of lost sensation in its wake.  The symbols written in blood -- hers and others -- blazed holes in the non-space she’d traverse, like projector film melting in the lamp’s heat.  There was screaming somewhere, her throat sympathetically echoing the rawness of the cry.  Colours inverted around her, scintillating motes dancing in her vision, the darkness agonizing in its brilliance until-

There was light all around her.  Even with her eyes squeezed tight, she could feel its insidious heat trying to burn its way in.  But there was a certain firmness of ground around her, perhaps to all of reality, and that was what mattered.  Sightless, her fingers grasped at her belt to where she’d left her goggles hanging, exhausting what little energy she still possessed to replace them on her head.  Only then did she dare look to see what had happened, where she was.

Despite the smoky blackness of the cut-crystal lenses, there was more brightness than she would ever be comfortable with.  It didn’t hurt, not yet, but it ached.  She found herself staring at an endless blue sky overhead, with vague awareness of white stone around her, glinting gold.  Blood -- her blood -- pooled around her, providing a coolness the horrible sunlight never could.  Did she need to stop that?  Had she cut too deep?  It didn’t matter, she didn’t have the strength to cauterize herself at this point.

Wild laughter bubbled up from somewhere.  No, not somewhere, from inside her.  After a moment of wrestling with it, she stopped, though the inclination remained waiting behind the barrier of self-control.  “What a fucking joke,” she said, voice weak even inside her own head.  “Travel a billion non-miles or whatever only to die alone in a sun-scorched hellscape of a temple plane.”

“No, you will not die here.”  The words came from somewhere she could have seen if she’d been capable of moving any longer.  “You have not journeyed in vain, stranger.  There will be questions for you, when you are well enough to answer, but not until then.  Rest easy, child, knowing that the Kyrian will not let further harm befall you.”

The who?  She got as far as saying “What in the Endless Dark is a Kyr-” before her consciousness gave out entirely.

[jasontoddiefor]

Idk if you write ocs, but if you do, can you write something about a male teen vigilante that was Jason's best friend? Something angsty but with a happy ending maybe, like Jason feels all alone after he came back and oc yells at him and makes him see he really cares about him?

Well, I wasn’t writing it before but now I sure am. Hope you enjoy this!

There was not a lot to be said about Arlo Temmings, exhausted high school student, but plenty about the upstart vigilante Stardust. Stardust was not affiliated with the batclan, not really, but Arlo supposed that had more to do with the fact that he really wasn’t the heroic, batarangs blazing, taking down mob bosses kind of vigilante. Arlo’s powers allowed him to heal others, given that he was physically well enough and had eaten enough. He’d always thought all those videos about metahumans and their heightened metabolism were jokes, but ever since he’d woken up with the ability to literally kiss away bruises, he’d been eating nonstop. Protein shakes were his new favorite breakfast, lunch and dinner because you could only eat so many pizzas before you started throwing them up on sight.

Arlo hadn’t even wanted to become a vigilante or do anything that had to do with healing. Honestly, he was planning to graduate high school with a just average enough GPA and then get some average job somewhere. He used to have bigger ambitions when he was twelve and had the coolest best friend possible.

Well, Jason Todd had been the tutor he’d gotten through their schools’ exchange programs, but he’d acted more like a friend. A very nerdy friend who was the living proof that some people got extremely lucky in life while others didn’t, but his friend nonetheless. Jason had planned to get a college degree at a fancy school, out of Gotham and told Arlo he should dream bigger as well, like graduating with honors big. Studying architecture.

Jason would be pretty disappointed to see how terrible Arlo’s grades had gotten, but Jason was dead and dead people couldn’t do shit.

So Arlo knew pretty much nothing about how human bodies worked except that the mitochondria were the powerhouse of the cell. Arlo had been flunking his biology exams ever since he had first been forced to learn about the fact that plants didn’t, in fact, just grow when Poison Ivy decided that now would be an awesome time to wreck an entire city block.

She’d also been the reason he got pushed into this whole hero business. Turned out that Arlo’s abilities were immensely useful when it came to disaster relief and so Stardust had been born. Crime Alley’s very own non-violent superhero, running around in a black hoodie, a Venetian mask covered with stars, and dark, paint-splattered jeans. Nobody had tried to hurt him yet when he walked out. Pushing the bats around who were all too willing to put you away for life was one thing, hurting the kid whose voice cracked when he was nervous, but could heal your broken bones while glowing like a supernova was something different. Arlo enjoyed his immunity, really. He only wanted to help others, make the world a slightly better place. He’d grown up staring at the pretty buildings at the other end of the city, wanting to live in one of them and built his dream around that. This situation wasn’t so different.

Tonight had been one of the bad nights though. Arlo had already gone through most of his snacks as people of all ages came to find him. Usually, he just walked through the streets, people spotted him and pulled him in new directions. It was reckless and stupid, but everybody knew Arlo was kind of untouchable because he cared for everyone and so everyone cared for Arlo.

And it wasn’t like anybody would be waiting for him at home. His father had died years ago and his mother was never there. The streets were kinder, more vibrant and alive, than Arlo’s actual home.

“Thank you,” the girl whose knee he’d fixed whispered.

“No problem,” Arlo repeated and yawned. He was tired and he had an early class tomorrow, or today if he wanted to be honest with himself. He should head back and try to catch at least three hours of sleep.

Arlo grabbed his bike and began heading home. As an unaffiliated vigilante, he didn’t have any fancy bat tech. Red Robin had offered to get him something, but Arlo wouldn’t know where to stick that anyway. Besides, the mob might start roughing him up if they knew he was on Batman’s payroll. So instead, Arlo had an actual normal bicycle. It had been a gift from Red Hood, who’d been a little appalled that Arlo just got everywhere by foot.

“That’s dangerous,” he’d said like he wasn’t waving around a gun at the same time.

Red Hood was a strange vigilante. He was no hero, he hurt and killed people, wrecked and ruined them and left behind a terrifying warzone. But he didn’t hurt kids.

That was one thing every child in Crime Alley knew. As long as you were young still, you didn’t have to fear the Red Hood. Adults were fair game, they were supposed to be better, but kids were just kids. Arlo himself had only just turned fifteen. He’d spent his birthday watching cartoons and doing an extra-long nightshift and then accepted a sleek black bicycle as his birthday present. He was reasonably sure the entire batclan knew who his civilian identity was, Red Hood did for sure or he wouldn’t have been able to deliver the bike to his house door. Arlo stopped his bike and parked it in the small garage all the families on the top floor had to share and made his way upstairs. He stretched and tiredly pulled his keys out of his pocket to open his door when he noticed that it wasn’t closed.

So his mom was back, likely drunk as well. Great.

Arlo pushed open the door and closed it behind himself. Without much care, he walked down the hallway, not bothering to turn on the lights. His mom would just complain about a headache or something. He entered the kitchen and opened up the fridge. Happily, he noticed that his takeout was still there. He took it out of the fridge and fished a fork out of the water basin and began munching on his noodles. He was so freaking hungry. Closing his eyes, he enjoyed his meal.

“Aahrlo?”

Arlo would later claim that he didn’t, in fact, scream, but that was exactly what he did when he heard somebody who was very much not his mother whisper his name. The food dropped on the floor and Arlo twisted around. Behind the table, in the very right corner of the kitchen, sat a dark figure. The must be tall and their hair was an inky black color.

“Red Hood?” Arlo asked and immediately rushed over to the other vigilante. “You- uh. Um, what are you doing here?”

He was pale and Arlo didn’t think it was just because of the moonlight illuminating his skin.

“Head wound,” Red Hood replied. “Didn’ know where else t’ go.”

Arlo kneeled down next to Red Hood and could only now spot the dark red that was quelling out between his hair. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, he was not going to bleed out in Arlo’s kitchen.

“Can you ‘elp?”

He was slurring his words, Arlo was pretty sure that was a bad sign. Due to the bad light, he couldn’t actually make out a lot of his features, and his mask still covered his eyes, but even so, Red Hood sounded so familiar and young. Arlo’s age kind of young. He’d never seen the other vigilante without his red helmet, but he’d assumed he was older. He was so brutal, so skilled.

Nothing like Stardust who barely knew how to throw a punch and was relying on other people’s goodwill.

“Hold still,” Arlo ordered and put his hands on Red Hood’s wound. The vigilante hissed, but Arlo didn’t even twitch anymore. He’d gotten so used to the feeling of blood sticking to his hands, it was almost welcome. He associated it with the rush he got when his powers activated.

“You glow,” Red Hood muttered, entirely out of it. He had lost a lot of blood, but head wounds generally bled a lot, didn’t they? “Like a fairy.”

Arlo giggled nervously and pushed his long dreads behind his back. “A girl I helped tonight told me I look like Rapunzel.”

“Nah,” Red Hood replied. “You’re not stuck in a tower all by yourself. You’re not-“ His breath hitched. “-not lonely at all.”

The wound was slowly closing, not as fast as it usually would, but Arlo was also dead tired.

“I don’t know,” Arlo confessed. “I feel pretty lonely all the time.”

Red Hood laughed, it was a dark and bitter sound, tethering on the edge of a sob or so it seemed to Arlo.

“But you’re good, always were. Helping people and all that. You’re not like me, you don’t fuck up. You stop listening and don’t give in to all that anger. You’re good and you don’t push people away and hurt them all over again.”

Arlo took his hands off Red Hood’s head and rested them on his thighs, blood smearing all over his jeans.

“You’re good too,” Arlo said. “You help people-“

“No,” Red Hood interrupted him harshly. “I just- I just get rid of problems. I shot a man point-blank. His brains just- it was everywhere and the kids were screaming and I just made everything worse but I was so fucking angry and didn’t even care-“

Arlo wasn’t good with words. He didn’t like reading, his dyslexia made it a god damn nightmare, and he couldn’t use all those fancy words he used to practice during tutoring because they felt so foreign on his tongue. Gestures, though, he knew. His parents used to be affectionate. His father was always holding him, had been holding him the day he died, protecting Arlo against debris. Slowly, to avoid startling him, Arlo put his arms around Red Hood. The other man tensed beneath Arlo’s touch, then slowly relaxed in his hold and even went as far as resting his head on Arlo’s shoulder, probably smearing blood all over it.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Arlo said, at loss for words.

“You shouldn’t be,” Red Hood replied. “You really, really shouldn’t.

“Well, I am,” Arlo insisted. “In fact, I’m so glad I’m going to cook you something because I need to eat and you need to eat and then I can heal any other injuries you have as well.”

Arlo kept on blabbering about whatever came to his mind until Red Hood was seated at his kitchen table and Arlo could hardly keep his eyes open anymore.

So, really, there wasn’t much to be said about Arlo Temmings, exhausted high school student and part time vigilante. His grades were held together by duct tape and safety pins and sometimes Red Hood nearly bled out in his kitchen while Arlo made an utter fool of himself and fell asleep on him.

[myrecovery18]

A year in Recovery

After a year in recovery from restricting there are things that I noticed I did before that I no longer or rarely do or that I’m able to eat now. Plus a little tips on what helped me recovery and stick with it. 

TW: MENTIONS OF RESTRICTING, ANAMIA, BIRTHCONTROL,  RECOVERY, TO THE BONE, TRAINING, LEARNING TO LOVE YOURSELF, SELF RECOVERY TIPS, & LITTLE HEALTH RANT IN THE MIDDLE.

I’m aware I can’t count calories anymore because I mentally will go under 1,500 calories without fail. 

When I use to eat I use to watch an edit of “To the Bone” religiously, I only watch it now when I want to. I don’t want to watch it when I eat. 

I use to sit in class and save food recipes or pictures of food to a Pinterest board instead of paying attention because I got bored and was thinking about food

I use to workout for an hour and a half in the morning and would get pissed if I couldn’t. I quit working out for a year until I was able to and injured my knee only to restart this year because working out is the one thing I know that helps relieve stress. Instead of focusing on working out as a form of losing weight, I focus on it now as a hobby, if I don’t do it one day that’s fine. I don’t get upset at myself. That took awhile to build that mentality especially coming from a 10 yr athletic background with a physical sport that required you to train 3 hours a day like volleyball. 

I used to eat and feel panicked about being watched by others; rarely do I think about that now. I can’t give you advice on how to stop that mentality.

I avoided eating Garlic bread for six years, it was apart of my fear foods. I nearly cried when I ate it for the first time this year and didn’t feel an ounce of anxiety. It still scares me the idea of eating it, but physically eating it doesn’t bring me anxiety. 

There are days where I eat one meal and I don’t blame myself, but I do let others know that I forgot to eat because my hungry cues didn’t signal that I was in fact hungry and needed to feed myself. 

While in recovery, I’ve come to realize that when I miss a meal, my body will pick up either the next day or two days later and tell me it’s hungry. I don’t force myself to eat if I’m not hunger. 

I use to cook myself every meal so I knew what was going into it or I monitored what my family was putting into the food. I don’t do that now or I use to make my own plate and make it smaller than I needed it to be. I allow for them to cook my food and plate it if they want to. 

I use to have bad mood swings; I rarely do. 

I use to drink coffee because I knew it is a natural laxative for me when I was having a bad day; I don’t drink it anymore for that reason. I drink it because I like the taste and enjoy coffee. The upset stomach is a negative now.  

Being told to lose weight by doctors or family members or that I was getting bigger would trigger me but now I don’t bother to acknowledge it since I know most doctors don’t acknowledge the pills I’ve been on caused the weight gain. The only doctor I’ve accepted the weight loss advice was my neurologist because I went through all the test and they came back normal, so I know I suffer from migraines naturally.

Birth Control Pills: I’m not a fan of them and refuse to be placed back on them despite the other ladies I go to pushing it on me to regulate my abnormal bleeding I recently had. Despite the fact I told her it was caused by the other Gyno’s failure to notice that it counteracts with my migraine medicines and caused the bleeding to extend by putting me on the birthcontrol pill I didn’t want (Side Note: I have iron deficiency anemia that no one can really fix because my panels come back with a weird combination so due to the gynos mistake it kicked in and I had to take my iron pills because I was getting exhausted too fast because of my blood loss which made me have more headaches. I do not take them daily because my previous doctors said I had too much iron in my system but I have a hard time storing it which is why every doctor I see can’t really fix it or diagnose it again because my panels read either too high, normal or low, so cheers to that.) I know this because my recent period lasted 7 days and was normal flow similar to how they use to be before I got on before control. I say this because your doctors won’t listen to you and will prescribe you a medicine regardless of your wishes. I decided not to take it and even now I’m losing the weight I gained slowly. 

My migraine medicine: Is used for both migraines (my neurologist wanted to boost it to the highest dose which I didn’t agree with since I already have the muscle tingles that happen all day and are annoying and could get kidney stones and I know I don’t drink enough water to stop that from happening; so I stuck to the dose I’m on. Again sometimes your doctors can be wrong. GO with what you’re comfortable with) and weight loss. The weight I’m losing could be contributed to that or the fact I stopped my BC pills, I’m unsure which or the fact I’m working again. 

So what helped me recover? 

 For one, I had a support system that kept me accountable in the form of my boyfriend who knew I struggled with eating. Including one of my highschool friend who kept track of if I eat in highschool when we were at lunch together, when my boyfriend couldn’t be there. Once I got into college, it became my own responsibility to hold myself accountable for eating and sometimes that didn’t happen because I become hyper-focus on one thing (still do) and fail to remember to eat. My boyfriend still checked in whenever he could to make sure I did eat whenever he choose to 

I changed my mentality. I no longer look for a diet to do. If I eat what society sees as unhealthy or healthy that doesn’t concern me. I’m going to eat what helps my body because I know what helps it. I know personally if my body doesn’t get enough nutrition I’ll suffer a headache and will get tired later on that day. You have to know your body and that starts with your mental. Some days will be bad and that just comes with recovery.

Eating the foods you like. I’m lucky enough to be on a college campus that allows us to be back in person during a pandemic and is serving us food. By them do this, I don’t often eat in my dorm room so I can save my food or don’t eat out or order in as often. Last semester when I lived in my own apartment, I ordered food a lot and I wasn’t ashamed by it. It just took a lot of my money. My college thankfully has the healthier options available for students who can’t eat meats or doesn’t prefer it. If I don’t eat in my cafetria on campus, I’ll go to our schools tea room if it’s open to grab something to eat if I don’t like anything they have, unless I ultimately have no time left I’ll eat in my room. 

I choose to eat whatever. Some days I’ll eat more vegetarian than meat or vegan that vegetarian or I’ll eat more meat if I want it. However, I do know that there’s days I’ll crave pizza. I don’t hold back and I’ll go get a pizza and it’ll last me three or two meals depending on how hungry I am or if I get Chinese food, that’s two meals. I learned to stop holding myself holding myself back from my cravings. If I want something, I’ll eat it.

One of the last things that helped me was watching over people go through recovery the same time I was choosing to. These people have already recovery so they don’t have many videos up anymore from that time in their lives so I can’t tag their channels here and probably won’t ever. But they helped me get through and see that I wasn’t alone. That it was okay to feel the things I was feeling. 

Lastly, I learned to start to love myself. I haven’t fully done it yet. But I don’t hate myself either. It’s taking time to realize that I deserve better in life. That despite what I look like, even if it’s at my heaviest or at my lowest I won’t care what people think of me as long as I love how I look. Now that’s been a struggle to work with and I’m only a few months into that mentality, but it feels good. I spent majority of my life avoiding mirrors and avoiding taking pictures with my family to the point I don’t have many pictures of myself from the times I grew up to now. Or I hardly understand some days how I look because I don’t look in the mirror. But I slowly starting to. I can tell in pictures on days where I do love myself and have confidence that I’m happier. I also learned to understand my worth and know that I shouldn’t feel miserable in a friendship. 

There’s small things you can do to recover now. It’s not an over night thing. There’s days where recovery will see pointless or if you’re even doing it right or if you’re just faking it for the shits and giggles, but you’re doing a good thing. Ultimately, recovery is about you. It’s not for anyone else. Not for your family, or your friends or your boyfriends or your pets. It’s for you and you alone. Because it only effects you physically and mentally and emotionally. You’re the one who has to deal with it 24/7 and has to actively choose to heal and keep healing every single day. It’s not going to be easy. I only listed a few things I’ve been through that was singular for me and important to me to voice, there were more things I did. I wish you all the best whether you choose recovery now, tomorrow, or in the future. Please stay safe.  

[ironcaptainnataliabarnes]

Red Roses (A Harry Hook x Reader/OC)

A/N: Yall. This chapter is hella long. I hope you all enjoyed it!! If you see any mistakes at all please let me know so I can fix it pronto! This is such a fun story to write and I'm glad people are liking it! If you have any ideas or requests you would like me to add in future chapters, let me know! This is for you guys! <3 :)

Summary: Ruby Hearts, daughter of the infamous Queen of Hearts, was abandoned by her mother when she was young and forced to live with her father, the King of Hearts, in Auradon.  Harry Hook himself may be the only one who finds her madness enchanting. Will Ruby find her self falling for the rugged pirate, or will the roses bleed red?

Prologue / Chapter 1 / Chapter 2: The Pool of Tears

It only made perfect, logical sense that Uma, Gil, and Harry managed to weasel their way into every single one of Ruby's classes. Suddenly she wasn't a person made of stone hidden in the back of the class anymore. She had friends. Friends that legitimately either didn't care that she was mildly insane or refused to believe she was crazy at all. Surprisingly, Ruby found herself enjoying her newfound gang of friends.

At first, Ruby thought her little mind palace she enjoyed in Art 101 would be ultimately ruined, but she enjoyed teaching Uma and Harry how to paint and keeping Gil from drinking another bottle of paint. (He claimed the white paint was milk, and continued to drink it all until he got sick.) The boys had even joined the Tourney team, and even though Harry dissed the game everyday, Ruby knew he liked having a way to expel his own frustrations.

Ruby and Uma became close friends after they shared their mutual hatred of Mal. The purple haired girl had given a particularly nasty glare at Uma when Ruby asked if she had disliked Uma.

"Dislike?" Uma had scoffed. "That girl hates me. And trust me when I say the feeling is mutual."

"What happened between you two? Does it...is that why you were crying that day?"

Uma had nodded and told the story of how she earned the nickname Shrimpy from the daughter of Maleficent. The normally calm and collected pirate even broke down into tears, and Ruby had held her in the comfort of Uma's dorm room, consoling the girl like she had wanted to years ago.

But that had been weeks ago. Uma had now made Ruby an official part of her pirate crew, not considering the fact the majority of her crew was still on the Isle, but that didn't seem to bother Uma. The two girls were sitting on the bleachers, waiting for the Tourney game between Auradon Prep and Hogwarts High to start.  

"Goddd it's so hot," Uma complained, fanning herself with her hand.

"It's a good thing I told you to ditch all the leather. You'd be fried like a walrus in winter by now if you were still wearing it," Ruby replied, giggling at the thought of a walrus covered in snow.

Uma snorted, "Right. You'd think this place being full of magic, someone would come up with a way to fix the heat."

"Exactly," Ruby nodded in agreement. "This weather is not the best for tea time. Unless it's iced tea. But then it wouldn't really be tea at all would it?"

Uma made a confused yet amused face and jumped in surprise when Auradon's band began to play, trumpets and drums echoing across the field as the Tourney team ran out. The crowd began to cheer and clap, but of course Ruby and Uma were mainly cheering for Harry and Gil.

The game had gone by quickly, Auradon beating Hogwarts High to a pulp, winning 16-3. Of course it was only possible for Ben and Jay to score because Harry was basically mauling down every enemy in his way.

As Uma and Ruby stepped off the bleachers to go find Harry and Gil, they were stopped by Evie, ever present smile on her face.

"Hey!" She greeted cheerfully. "Sorry to bother you, but Ruby I was wondering if you were free Friday?"

"Next Friday?" Ruby cocked her head in question. What was Friday? It would be the 24th of the month then, the only thing she would be doing was-

The 24th.

Friday was Ruby's birthday.

She told only Evie of her dislike for her birthday last year. Why was she bringing it up? Did she tell anyone else?

"U-um, no I wasn't really planning anything I guess. Why?"

"Just checking! Toodaloo!" Evie skipped off, locking her elbow with Doug as the band walked back towards the school.

"What's Friday?" Uma asked Ruby, shaking the girl from her thoughts.

"Oh, nothing important." Ruby dismissed the question. It wasn't a lie.

Just then, Harry and Gil ran up, helmets off and sweating from the game. Ruby somewhat hated her mind for even thinking it, but she couldn't help but find Harry even more attractive after he finished a game. Something about how his muscles glistened, and his blue eyes seemed brighter with the rush of the game-

They were looking at her. Shoot. She had been ogling at Harry for what felt like ages that her mind blocked out any and all conversation around her.

"W-what?" Ruby asked, ignoring the way she felt her cheeks flush when Harry smirked slightly. It was as if the pirate could read her thoughts. How scary that would be.

"Uma just told us about the special Friday," Gil told her, still exuberant even after an exhausting game.

Ruby flashed Uma a glare. Clearly her dismissal of the day didn't work on the girl.

"Tell us, Heart," Ruby felt an involuntary shiver at Harry's given nickname for her. "Wha's so special about that particular Friday, hmm?"

"Honestly, you guys, it's nothing. 'A tea party with iced tea instead of tea tea' nothing," Ruby covered her nose in mock disgust. "Now you two need a serious shower. You smell worse than the freezing walrus."

Jay ran up to the group, having been talking to the coach, and gave a pat on the back to Gil. "Nice work, man! When you dodged that guy in the second half, dude that was epic!" he exclaimed.

"Dude, no way! When you spun off of Ben to make that shot, that was so incredible!" Gil jumped with excitement.

"We totally deserve a celebratory drink for that win. Whaddya say, man? You down?"

"Definitely, dude! I'll catch up with you guys later," Gil said before running off with Jay.

Harry scoffed, and ran a hand through his hair. "Hones'ly. 'S like I didn't just batter down half the enemy's team to win. I LIKE DRINKING TOO!" He yelled towards the boys, though they were already out of earshot.

Ruby giggled while Uma rolled her eyes at her first mate. "You can drink in the shower for all I care, you really smell like dog."

"Ughhh fineeee," Harry complained head thrown back in defeat as they walked back to the dormitories.

It was ritual by now for the gang to meet up in one of their dorm rooms at least once a week for no particular reason other than to be stupid in the confines of their own rooms. Ruby's curiosity had gotten the better of her, and she actually brought four iced teas for the group. Not a one of them enjoyed, especially Gil, who's knack of liking everything had its limits. Uma had the marvelous idea of sneaking into the kitchen, it was late after all and no one would be there. Needless to say, the school food storage needed to be replenished, and soon.

Thursday classes had come and gone, and Ruby's illusion of her vase of roses singing a sweet tune was broken by knocks at her door. She had expected Harry, of all people, but was quite surprised by Ben's form in her doorway. It had been a while since she and been had talked; ever since Uma and the boys showed up and Ben having to take on more kingly activities, there hadn't been much time for the two friends to hang out. Ruby instantly felt guilt at not having at least tried to find time to hang out with her first friend.

"Ben! Hey, what, uh, what can I do for ya?" Ruby asked, pushing down her guilt and putting a smile on her face. Her hair probably looked a mess, and her clothes were most definitely wrinkled, but she knew Ben really didn't care.

"Hey, Ruby. It's been a short while, hasn't it?" He greeted her back. He seemed kind of nervous, his hands wringing together in front of him.

Ruby's guilt instantly resurfaced. "Ben, I'm so sorry-"

"There's nothing to be sorry about, Ruby. I actually came to ask you something," He said, smiling at the shorter girl.

Ruby raised an eyebrow in question.

"I was wondering if you could paint something for me?" Ben asked her, hope in is voice.

"Oh, OH. Yeah, of course, sure!" Ruby paced back into her room excitedly, images already running through her head of what she could paint for Auradon's king. "What were you thinking? Because I've been having this idea of like a half beast thing that-"

"No actually, Ruby uh," Ben's eyes flicked towards Ruby hesitantly, as if he was scared of her. That's odd, Ruby thought.

"I was hoping you could paint Mal for me," Ben finished.

Ruby stopped her mind's ideas and stood frozen on her rug. She looked at Ben somewhat accusingly. "What."

"I know, I know," Ben said, arms out and moving to stand in front of Ruby. "I know you two don't really get along but I want to do something nice for her and she mentioned to me about how all the royalty here have their portraits hanging everywhere and I thought it would be nice if I could do that for her and well you're the best painter there is Ruby and I just-"

"Ben, oh my aces, calm down!" Ruby told him, effectively stopping Ben's rambling. She put a hand to her head. She did have a hatred for Mal, but Ben had tried hard to be Ruby's friend since she was first brought to Auradon. She couldn't just tell him no.

She sighed, "Okay. Okay, I'll do it. But I'm going to need a picture or something. I don't find myself gazing misty eyed at your girlfriend all that much, Mr Benjamin."

Ben had already turned to walk back out of Ruby's dorm. "No, it's okay I get it- wait, you'll do it?" Ruby nodded. "Oh, this is great! Here-" he pulled out his wallet and handed her a picture of said girlfriend. "Thank you so much Ruby. You really are the best."

Ben pulled her in for a hug as she answered with a smile. "No problem."

Friday morning Ruby rolled out of bed sluggishly, gasping when she saw the time. She dressed quickly in a simple red top with black jeans, and threw her long hair up in a pony tail before practically running to her first class. As her classes rolled on, she tried not to think about what shenanigans Evie was up to.

Ever since Ruby had moved to Auradon, her father saw her birthday as a spectacular event. He tried throwing her birthday parties, but of course no one would come. He tried taking her out for ice cream, but it was unbearably hot and the ice cream melted. Birthday's just weren't meant for Ruby. In her time on the Isle, birthdays were treated as every other day, nothing special in it whatsoever. She used to wake up hoping her mother would have something special for her, but Ruby was greeted with the same fear as always. Ruby was used to this, and never saw any importance in her birthday anyway. After all, it was just like every other unbirthday, wasn't it? In her first year at Auradon Prep, Evie had questioned her, claiming it odd a whole year had gone and she never celebrated on any single day. Of course, Evie found out the truth, but Ruby eventually convinced her to not make a big deal out of it, and made the blue haired girl promise to not tell a soul. "No one would want to come to a party for me anyway," Ruby had claimed. "They'll be too scared I'll go off with their tiny hatless heads."

Evidently, this year, Evie had different plans. And Ruby was slightly scared.

Ruby had barely been in her room for five minutes after classes were finished before Evie materialized at her door.

"You, my wonderful friend, are coming with me," the overly excited girl said.

Ruby blindly threw her bag on her bed as Evie grabbed her arm and tugged her along to Evie's dorm. Ruby marveled at the clothes along one of the walls; Evie's room was always filled with outfits she had designed, and they were always incredible.

"Any particular reason you dragged me to your fashion show of a room, E?" Ruby asked, feeling the silk of white skirt with black patterns.

"Yes, actually," Evie answered, grabbing Ruby by the shoulders and spinning her around.

The sight of the dress in front of Ruby made every coherent thought leave her brain.

She must have gasped, or made some sort of awestruck face because Evie smiled and wrapped an arm around Ruby's shoulders. "Do you like it?" the blue haired girl asked.

"Evie," Ruby started, taking slow steps toward the wonder of a ball gown and cautiously ran a hand over the intricate rose design on the front. "I honestly don't have the words. I think the Hare must have put some sort of drug in my tea today. I can't- Evie this is beautiful."

"Good. I'm glad you love it!" Evie clapped her hands excitedly. She walked to the back of the dress and unzipped it from the mannequin. "Now let's get it on you."

"Yes, let's- wait, what?" Ruby shook from her daze.

"Come on, no time to lose. Undress, Ruby!" Evie exclaimed.

Despite Ruby's confusion, she really wanted to wear the gorgeous dress. Maybe this was what Evie was planning. To make a gown for Ruby. Any thoughts about her birthday disappeared once Ruby saw herself in the dress.

Evie danced around her, making last minute adjustments while Ruby gaped at herself in the mirror. Evie stepped away, looking proud. "Give us a spin," she said.

Ruby lifted the sides of the dress slightly and twirled. The gown was light and it swirled around her legs as she came to a stop. Ruby couldn't help the huge smile on her face. "This is so amazing, Evie," she turned to her friend, "but what exactly is this for?"

Evie's eyes sparkled mischievously. "You'll see. Now come, sit."

Ruby did as told, and watched as Evie deftly pinned a braid to the crown of Ruby's hair and brushed the tangles out of the rest. It was when Evie placed a small crown inlaid with a heart-shaped ruby that Ruby became nervous. "Evie, really, what's going on?" she hated how her voice shook with the question.

"Put on these shoes, and let's go find out," Evie answered, handing Ruby a pair of dark red heels.

Ruby quickly slipped on the heels and tried not to trip as Evie rushed her out of the door. She led the girl to what was unmistakably the school's ball room. Ben was waiting outside the doors, dressed immaculately in a deep blue suit. Evie gave him a nod before disappearing, not before smiling widely at Ruby.

"Ben, maybe you'll give me some answers?" Ruby looked up at her friend, and saw the same glint she had seen in Evie's eyes. Ruby was hopeful, clearly Ben wouldn't keep her in the dark, would he? But her hope simmered as Ben kept his mouth loyally shut.

Suddenly, Fairy Godmother opened the doors. "It's time!"

Ben gave a bow to Ruby, gesturing towards the open doors with a hand, "Shall we?"

Ruby hooked her hand onto Ben's outstretched elbow, and he led her through the doors. Ruby put a hand to her mouth to stifle another gasp as they walked out to the top of the ballroom steps.

The filled room collectively yelled "Happy birthday!" upon seeing Ruby enter. She couldn't believe it. There were actual people here, for her.

"Ben, what-"

"Welcome, dear Ruby, to your birthday party," Ben bowed once more. Ruby caught sight of Uma, Gil and Harry at the bottom of the stairs, but her eyes found themselves stuck on Harry.

He was dressed like a gentleman but still looked ruggedly handsome with his black tousled hair and smudged eyeliner, his hook hanging from his belt loop. He winked at Ruby, shamelessly devouring how gorgeous she looked in her ball gown.

Ruby would have been stuck at the top of the stairs all day had Evie not once again materialized next to her, dressed in a beautiful blue gown. She grabbed Ruby's hand. "Come on, it's much more fun at the bottom of these stairs," she whispered to her. They made it to Uma and the boys on the ballroom floor, Evie leaving Ruby with a hug and a "Happy birthday, Ruby" before disappearing to find Doug. Ruby turned towards her gang of friends accusingly.

"Did you guys know?" She asked.

"Since las' week, Heart," Harry answered, ever present smirk on his face.

"Yeah, Evie told us the whole deal and had us outfits made. I honestly didn't think I'd look this good in a dress," Uma said. She was right. Her sea green dress was really alluring.

"This place is so amazing, there's tables full of food!" Gil exclaimed, charming in his suit.

"Guys, I-"

"It's okay, Ruby," Uma assured her, giving her a hug. "It's your first birthday party. Let's have some fun," she smiled and winked at her friend. Ruby hesitantly smiled back.

Suddenly trumpets blared as Ben appeared on the overhead balcony, Mal at his side.

"Thank you everyone for coming! As you all know, today is our very own Ruby Hearts' birthday! I think it's about time we get this party started!" He announced, earning cheers from the crowd.

Ruby just stared, silent and still shocked at the whole ordeal. Were these people really here for her?

"'S alright, Heart," Harry's unmistakable voice whispered behind her. His breath was hot on her ear as he spoke, "You deserve this, lass."

She turned around and saw a genuine smile playing at Harry's lips that somehow eased her own fear. She smiled broadly at the pirate. "Thank you, Harry," she whispered back.

"Whoooo!" Gil's cheer broke the moment, the boy jumped in and began dancing wildly to the music. Laughing, Ruby and Harry joined in, Uma reluctantly joining the sway.

The night flew by, song after song, the gang stayed dancing together the entire time. Ruby could tell it was late in the night, but no one at the party seemed to care. She felt a poke at her shoulder and turned to see Carlos, Jay, and Evie. She gave each of them a hug as they wished her happy birthday.

"Evie, you know I'm so thankful for this," Ruby started, as she waved to Carlos and Jay who were whisked away by the crowd. "But a whole ball?"

"You know I would only have the best for you," She answered, giving Ruby a smile. "Besides, it wasn't just my idea."

Ruby's curiosity was instantly piqued. "What do you mean?"

"Well, Ben and I might have let it slip to Uma and Harry about your birthday coming up and how we really wanted to do something for you and Harry came up with this marvelous idea to have a ball since you're technically a princess so Uma and her gang helped us set all this up and we invited literally the entire school and-"

"Whoa, whoa wait," Ruby interrupted her. "This was Harry's idea?"

Evie nodded right as a slow song started. She was pulled away by Doug but winked at Ruby when she noticed Harry showed up at the girl's side.

"Ruby," Harry greeted, dipping into a bow, amused look on his face. "Will ye do me the 'onor of dancin' with me?" He held out his hand for her to take.

Ruby knew her face was flushed. She was still processing how this was Harry's idea, and what did Evie say about him saying she was a princess? She didn't know if her brain would function enough to be so close to Harry Hook, gazing into his eyes as she danced with him to the slow tune-

Ruby blinked out of her daze. She could do this. Her hand met Harry's outstretched one and his smirk grew to a smile as he pulled her closer. Her breath hitched when his other hand came to her waist, and he immediately pulled her into the dance steps.

"Don't tell me Harry Hook's been taking dancing lessons, now?" Ruby questioned amusingly, fighting down her blush.

Harry spun Ruby with the waltz, pulling her closer so that she could feel his breath when he spoke. "'S almost like sword fighting, really."

A blur of blue captured Ruby's eye, and she craned her neck to peer behind Harry. Uma stood, watching the two dance and Ruby almost missed the wink she gave her. At the food table behind Uma, Ruby caught sight of Gil chugging down the entire punch bowl and Jay seemingly egging him on. She snorted and turned her gaze back to Harry, feeling bold.

"So, Mr. Hook," Ruby danced her fingers up Harry's arm. His jaw tensed ever so slightly. "What's this I hear about you planning this whole thing?"

Harry's ears immediately turned pink. "Well, er," he cleared his throat. "Uma an' Gil came up with the plan too, ye know."

Harry let go of Ruby's hand to come rest at her waist and she wrapped her arms around his neck. The waltz was over by now, but neither seemed to notice or care. "How kind," she looked up at the pirate. "You know, this party is kind of for you too," she said.

"How so, Heart?"

"Well, it's my birthday, but that means it's also you're unbirthday! And really that's just as worthy as celebrating in my opinion." Ruby's tone was joking, but Harry's eyes were piercing as they held each other. He moved his head so that his mouth was next to Ruby's ear. Her arms tightened around him, fingers playing with the hair at the nape of his neck.

"Ye've no idea how beautiful ye are, Ruby," Harry whispered, husky voice making a shiver course through Ruby's body. "All these other goons are jealous of my own little princess,"

Her breathing hitched, and she pulled her head back to peer at Harry's face. His eyes seemed filled with that same sensation Ruby felt but couldn't quite name. His striking blue eyes darted to her lips as his left hand cupped her face. Ruby was quite aware of the almost nonexistent space between them, of the erratic beating of both of their hearts. She whispered his name, not believing her eyes as the moment played out.

"UGH! WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!" a girl's voice yelled, causing Ruby and Harry to jump apart. They shared a look and made their way to were the commotion was.

There was a circle around Uma and Mal, the former's dress covered in punch.

"You ran into me!" Mal yelled at Uma. "Maybe you should watch where you're going!"

"Look, I know time in Boradon has made you insane, but I would think you know how to walk," Uma snapped back, giving up at wiping off punch from her dress.

Mal scoffed. "If you're so uncomfortable here then you should have stayed in that sandbox where you belong!"

In the blink of an eye Uma pounced on Mal, snarling with her arms outstretched. A full on girl fight broke out, hair being pulled and dresses being torn. It lasted all of two seconds before Ben and Gil rushed in pulling the two girls apart. They continued to yell insults at each other, but all Ruby could see was the floor covered in ice. She watched as every step and stomp of feet caused it to move to the brink of shattering. Ruby had had enough.

"STOP IT! BOTH OF YOU!" She yelled, effectively surprising and silencing everyone in the room. "It's PUNCH! You're not dying and if you don't stop this petty little fight then the frozen floor with collapse and we'll all be eaten by the Jabborwock!"

"Just as insane as ever! You should have stayed with your crazy mother," Mal scoffed before marching out, Ben casting an apologetic look before running after her. Uma tried to apologize to Ruby, but she couldn't hear a thing over the cracking ice.

"Just-..no," was all Ruby could say before she too left the ballroom. She couldn't make it to her room before the tears came.

She fell down onto her bed, letting the water flow. She knew a party was a horrible idea. No one wanted to be there for her, they were there because it was just a party. Maybe Mal was right. Maybe she should have stayed on the Isle with her mother. Maybe she would have learned how to scare everyone away and build a wall around her heart, so maybe then she wouldn't be hurt as easily.

After what felt like ages, Ruby heard a knock at her door. She sniffled as whoever it was walked in and sat next to her on the bed.

"Tears don't belong on that pretty face, lass," Harry said, pulling Ruby up and wiping said tears from her face. She sniffled as he did so.

"I just don't understand, Harry."

"I know, Heart," he said, sad to see her so upset. "Some things are jus' too hard to understand."

Ruby nodded, her mind just registering her sore feet and legs.

"Oh! I, erm, I've got something for ye, Heart," Harry said, changing the mood of the conversation with just a singe sentence. He had something for her?

"What is it?" Ruby asked, rubbing an eye.

"Well, I've been wanting to give it back to ye for a while, but it jus' never seemed like the right moment," Harry told her, ears turning pink as he pulled out something from behind his back.

It was a little stuffed rabbit.

Ruby gasped, new tears forming at her eyes as she recognized her old toy, the one she had lost that fated day.

"Look at ye, getting all happy over a wee toy," Harry joked, happy to see the light in Ruby's eyes again.

"Harry Hook, you thief!" Ruby exclaimed, tackling the boy in a hug. He fell back on the bed, arms wrapping around Ruby's form.

They laid on the bed holding each other for a while, Harry's hand making mindless patterns on Ruby's scarred arm. Ruby had never been more happy than she was in his arms. What is happening? She thought.

"D'ye think they're mad?" Harry asked.

Ruby wasn't sure who exactly he was talking about. "They can't help it," she answered anyway. "We're all a bit mad here."

[itwill-comeback]

More headcanons bb

☆ Someone [Tomas] implanted a huge phobia of hospitals and doctors in Vlad like "If you ever get taken to a hospital they're gonna figure out that you're not human and dissect you like a frog, you'd be a freak science experiment" and 1. Vlad only feels safe in hospitals with Nelly and 2. Thanks for making him feel like even more of a freak you punkass and 3. When he woke up post-staking and was just like "Otis is here?" His mind immediately is torn between Fuck That Where's Nelly? & Otis Wouldn't Let Doctors Dissect Me, Right? & What happened to Joss? Is he here? Am I safe right now?

☆ Nelly knows he gets antsy in hospitals even when she's with him, but doesn't know why. She tries to talk him into coming by while she's working and meeting her coworkers but he just digs his heels in, full stop "Nah, I'm-- I'm okay... thanks tho"

☆ Also once he got into his teens and all his doctor's visits involved the doctor offering to speak with him privately without Nelly in the room just makes him damn near have a panic attack every time and outright refusing to let people draw his blood because NopeNopeNope I'mNotHumanGoAway!

☆ Getting his wisdom teeth removed and demanding he get all four of those teeth back because he doesn't want anyone to have his DNA.

☆ Normal Elysians never have to deal with this issue because vampires actually love the medical field. They can easily convince humans around them to give them a raise or help then with an overnight shift or donate money to the hospital or be more understanding about wait times or agree to a better treatment or forgive medical debt because everyone who has to deal with anything within a stone's throw of the medical field, either as a patient or hospital staff, is just consistently overworked, underpaid or just outright frazzled and exhausted. This leaves their minds open to persuasion and vampires use that to their advantage a lot.

☆ Never understood why vampires in movies can't handle being around humans in hospitals because oh no they might bleed! Like dude come on I could smell the most delicious food on the planet and still the other smells of Hospital just kill any appetite I might have. I'm supposed to believe people with super senses wouldn't get nauseating headaches at the smell of all that disinfectant and bleach and latex and sweat and chemicals and medicine and death and holy hell those bright ass lights? There's nothing appetizing in a hospital for folks with regular senses. Vampires at best just adapt to the senses onslaught that is the inside of a hospital and bear it for the sake of helping people.

☆ Also fuck the idea that vampires inherently just don't give a fuck about people. We see a few instances of people not immediately noticing the difference between humans and vampires and I honestly think vampires would rather help every person that needs their help than be picky about who gets much needed medical attention.

☆ On top of that even if vampires don't necessarily want to help people because it's the right thing to do, they could just as well be in it for the money because they would make fucking phenomenal doctors with their super senses and their extreme precision and attention to detail. Also just imagine the bedside manner of someone who can literally read your mind. They know exactly what you're afraid of and exactly what you want to hear, and what you need to hear.

☆ Otis tells Vlad about cool stuff Elysia made like chess, cities, and Sony, but he doesn't even think to mention all the brilliant accomplishments of Elysian doctors and scientists because there are so many, you could write a book about all the stuff vampires figured out as time went on in the medical field alone.

☆ And all that stuff about "this hasn't changed in the medical field in the past 70/80/100 years" Yeah that's because lots of vampires don't appreciate change if it isn't absolutely necessary. There's a lot of "When I was just a premed fledgling we still used brass doorknobs that disinfected themselves and now everybody wants stainless steel everything ugh"

☆ Add to that that it's usually free for doctors to sit in on lectures and classes about new medical stuff so that their practice methods don't become dated and vampire doctors literally get to watch humanity get better at medicine.

☆ Elysians almost certainly knew about bacteria and infection since before the plague but couldn't explain it to humans without betraying their secret so they had to use the right methods with the wrong science behind it to get stuff done. Ex. Plague doctors wore masks, gloves, long coats and boots, and had canes to keep distance from people but since they couldn't explain the concept of airborne disease to humans they just went "uhhh, the air is dirty? The stench of death spreads the plague so I wear this mask with herbs in it which protects me from the miasma? Gloves and cane so I don't have to touch sick people? Touching is bad, people are dirty?" And humans just went with it. Historians be like "They were wrong, but their methods were right! How observant mankind was!"

☆ Tomas was hailed as a great help with hunting during the plague times but fuck him, if anyone's gonna know who's healthy and who isn't it's the vampire doctors and they no doubt showed active disdain for Tomas going around and killing the few healthy humans left in any given populace. Like if you just take those humans as drudges and make sure they stay healthy you can share them with other vampires and then some people survive the sickness! They have antibodies for the plague! Don't kill them!

☆ So no doubt vampires cover all of the medical field and can easily keep information about Elysian patients out of the hands of human staff and helped shape privacy in the medical field (things like not reading through people's medical records unless it's necessary, laws that keep your medical information protected) but also the definite pursuit of Elysians to figure out what their biology is and isn't capable of, figuring out why they can't catch sicknesses and why they're allergic to garlic and how drinking blood of all things sustains their bodies.

☆ Can you imagine how dope it would've been if Nelly had lived and married Otis and become a vampire and just had so much further knowledge about medicine given to her? At first it's difficult for her to get passed all the sensory overload of the hospital but once she does she's absolutely ten times happier at her job? Night shifts are a blessing and she's happy to take them to let her human coworkers get home to their families? I'm always big heart eyes for Nelly, but fledgling nurse Nelly?? Is so so good?? One downside is that Vlad is even more insistent that they both get out of bed before he leaves the house because trauma.

☆ All her coworkers think she's so perky because she got married and finally has someone at home to help her and she's now got an empty nest and literally they're all just like "ooo girl! Marriage looks so good on you! How's your boy? He doing good at Stokerton University? How's your new hubby?? When is he gonna come by so we can meet him??" And she also gains new friends through meeting all her vampire coworkers I'm 💖💖💖 love one newlywed nurse!

☆ Vlad meeting vampire medical staff who [despite being super intrigued by his biology] are very understanding to his anxieties about hospitals and try to help him overcome his fears. This sweet anxious halfling gets his blood drawn for the first time in his life at age 18 and is super relieved to see that all the stuff they do is noninvasive and really not that bad.

☆ All the DNA analysis stuff they tell him about is sorta lost on him because he doesn't speak doctor lmao, but Nelly is super intrigued and can explain it to him in regular people terms.

☆ Also Elysian psychologists help him recognize that his dad planted that fear in his mind so that he'd avoid hospitals and avoid most things so that he'd probably never meet any Elysians. And probably also to distance himself from his aunt who Tomas likely saw as an obstacle and just in general he wanted Vlad to be distrustful of everyone and avoidant of others, especially people who would try to help him.

☆ Vlad makes fledgling friends at college and admits he has a phobia of hospitals and one of his friends is like "Dude don't be afraid of hospitals, doctors are super nice! I'm gonna be a doctor soon, I wouldn't dissect you 🥰" and another one's all "I'm gonna become a nurse, like your aunt! Medical staff are legit just normal people with good hearts! You have nothing to be afraid of." And it just completely shakes Vlad's view of medical staff as mad scientists who want to cut him open.

☆ Not that Vlad didn't have enough trauma to get therapy for [the staking, the fire, the attempted soul snatching, being bitten by crazies, his friends and family almost being killed, Tomas fucking Tod, almost draining his girlfriend, his abandonment issues, ect.] I just genuinely think being afraid of hospitals is a natural thought process for someone who's the first half-vampire half-human in the world. Also Tomas would do some shit like that to Vlad, never plant any phobia of something that would help him like slayer phobia or garlic phobia, but something he would almost certainly need someday? Like medical treatment? Yeah, let's make him afraid of that, Tomas. That's a great idea.

☆ As a little not medical related thing, I think even though Vlad said he didn't care what Otis did with the house when he was renovating it, I think he definitely was a little bit inclined to have Otis use stuff that was flame resistant and almost certainly put like four fire extinguishers in different spots in the house and was real particular about getting good blinds and drapes for the windows. Also no way in hell does he let Otis get a gas stove.

[basketofverbiage]

Hold On

This is my first writing post I’ve made. I had this in my head for a while and finally got it out. I have a part two, but it’s still being edited. I am so open to feedback!

Warnings: suicide attempt; hospitals; panic attacks

Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

For the past few weeks, Seokjin has known that something is wrong, but has no idea what it is. And without knowing what it is, how the hell is he supposed to fix it? His entire life seems to revolve around the need to take care of the people he loves most, and he can see that Y/n is devastatingly hurt but has no clue how to heal it. It’s like a surgeon trying to operate on a patient in a dark back alley somewhere; he can’t see what’s ruptured, can’t stop the bleeding, and he has this sneaking suspicion that he might lose his patient.

It’s been three solid weeks since he first noticed that something seems to be affecting the woman he loves. She put on a brave face and a faux smile when she knew he was paying attention. But in quiet moments when she thought he was distracted, he could see the darkness wash over her features. He’s tried everything he could think of to draw out what is wrong, comfort her, cheer her up, but nothing has worked and he’s starting to get scared.

It all began on a normal Tuesday afternoon. He was finished with his schedule fairly early in the day and came home to find her sitting in the kitchen floor with her back pressed against the cabinet below the sink, her legs drawn up into her arms and her face hidden in her kneecaps, with dark swirly curls hiding the rest of her features.

“Baby, are you okay?” he called quietly, rushing over to kneel in front of her. Her head snapped up and she smiled the fakest smile he’d ever seen from her.

“Yes, Jinnie. I’m fine. I just haven’t slept well, and just sat down after washing dishes.”

He knew she was lying to him by the darkness swirling in her eyes and the way that the smile didn’t soften the pain in her features, but he decided not to push it. She really hadn’t been sleeping well. More than one night this week he’d woken up in the twilight morning hours to her thrashing about a bit in fitful nightmares, but she’d settle down a bit when he’d pull her in and hum softly into her ear. So, he reiterated to himself that it’s okay not to push it, and that she’d open up once she was ready. He’d scooped her up off the kitchen floor into a tight hug then they’d spent the afternoon curled up in bed with mindless tv shows and drifting in and out of dreams until he started to believe she was okay. She’d laughed at his silly jokes, so Y/n is fine, right?

After that, he noticed that she began sleeping so much more. Sure, she’d had a stressful few months at work with a major project she had been assigned for a high-profile client, but she’d completed that project well and the client had been singing her praises to the heavens. In doing so, she had spent as many sleepless nights slaving away as he had spent missing her beside him in their king-sized bed. It made him wonder how she survived the long months of him being away on tour, lying so tiny in the vast wasteland of a cold, empty bed. Seokjin is not tiny by any means, and without her, he felt so small and vaguely empty in satin sheets, surrounded by so many pillows. And no matter how many extra blankets he added, the bed was so cold without her. So once the project was completed, it made perfect sense that she’d catch up on sleep, right? There is nothing to worry about, right?

Y/n had also pretty obviously stopped eating and cooking. This was driving him insane. The love of cooking and feeding other people is one of the many things that brought them together, and they took turns showing their love to each other with food. She hadn’t baked a single item in three straight weeks. While Seokjin could not bake to save his own life, Y/n baked the most amazing creations and her favorite thing to make was bread. All different varieties of breads from simple, rustic loaves to delicate fruit-filled sweetbreads, she once told him that baking bread made her feel alive. Something about the way the dough responded and how much encouragement it needed to become something from nearly nothing. In fact, in the two full years they had been together, Seokjin had not one time bought a loaf of bread from the store. He forgot that store-bought loaves were even a thing. She kept her own sourdough starter and had to bake at least one loaf a week to keep it growing healthily without it taking over, so he would come home at least one day a week to the slightly sour, yeasty twang of sourdough bread wafting about as two beautiful loaves cooled on a cooling rack. One loaf was always for them at home, and the other for his brothers. Before they shared a home, she would regularly bring her bread experiments over to the dorm and the boys would all ooh and ahh over her creations; Seokjin and Namjoon had had to nearly break up physical fights between the maknaes over who got to eat the last of the loaves on more than one occasion. But it had been two solid weeks since a loaf had been baked in their apartment and he was desperately trying to squelch the worry that was building.

Seokjin realized that he might be out of his element with this. He’d tried everything he knew to do. They’d been on three fancy dates, and he’d sent her a gorgeous bouquet to work. Seokjin bought her the earrings she’d been eyeing subtly when they were shopping for his mom’s birthday present and left them on her pillow one morning when he had to be at an interview at 4 am. He had made love to her slow and sweet on a rainy Sunday afternoon like she loved; it had always been enough to bring her back to him before as he’d remind her of why he loved her both with words and with his body. But not this time. He had told her every joke he could think of, even the worst ones that sounded like they had come off the stick of a melted popsicle. He made her coffee like she liked in the morning, tea in the afternoon, and heady glasses of red wine in the evening. He’d even gone so far as to fly her best friend in for the one weekend he’d had to be away in Japan, knowing that if he couldn’t fix it, she usually could. He had asked if she was okay at least twice a day for more than a week, then given up already when she tried to keep her work mask on all the time and lied straight to his face that she was fine. Y/n was not fine, but he didn’t know what was wrong and nothing he had tried had even made a dent in the darkness, so Seokjin did the only thing he could think of and asked for help to the smartest man he knew.

“Hey, man, you okay?” Namjoon asked when Jin barged into his studio one afternoon without even knocking. The king of manners never forgot something so simple.

“I’m okay, but Y/n is not. I’ve tried everything, and I can’t bring her out of this funk she’s in.”

For the next few minutes, Namjoon asked pointed questions about her behavior and her responses to Seokjin’s attempt at cheering her up. After he had basically verbally vomited all over Namjoon’s lap in RKive for nearly 45 minutes, Namjoon said the most obvious thing.

“Jin-hyung, she sounds depressed. Like seriously, clinically depressed. She has all the classic symptoms. Exhaustion, lack of sleep then sleeping too much, not much energy, disengaging, giving up activities she loves…”

Of course, Namjoon and his sexy brain would identify the thing he’d been seeing wreck the love of his life in practically no time at all. The only thing is that he really didn’t have many solutions other than trying to get her to see a doctor to talk about it. Y/n is stubborn and hates doctors, so convincing her to go would take some doing, but he had an idea of how to go about it. Seokjin thought about it more as he walked down the hallway leaving from Namjoon’s studio and gathered a game plan in his mind. He was done for the day after having recorded all of his parts early in the morning, and it was just now 2:30 in the afternoon. He has time to put things in motion before Y/n should be home from work at 5; if he makes a special dinner for her, then maybe he can soften her heart enough for her to hear him out when he asks her to please either let him in to help or to see a professional. Preferably both if things went well.

Seokjin left the building in a bit of a hurry and drove to the supermarket closest to the apartment. It was a small, family run market that regularly got ingredients in that were difficult to find in other places. Y/n had made friends with the owner’s daughter-in-law as they were from the same home country and had bemoaned how difficult it was to find ingredients for certain dishes, even in a city as big as Seoul. Seokjin planned to make this one soup that Y/n called Comfort Soup that she’d taught him to make; it was the food her mom had made her when she was a child anytime she was sick, hurt, or even just sad, and it brought a piece of her home to her now when she felt homesick. He also wanted to bake a crusty artisan loaf to go with it using the one recipe that Y/n had taught him that he could usually bake without an issue. In fact, Y/n called it the Idiot-Proof Loaf, so surely he wouldn’t screw that up. The best part was that while it took an hour and a half from start to finish, the dough only had to rise once, and finished its growth in the oven instead of multiple risings like most of the breads Y/n made. He rushed in and got all the things he needed, then popped into the florist shop next door for those silly purple roses she loved. His final stop was to a little bakery nearby where their second date had been, and bought chocolate covered strawberries and two beautiful slices of the strawberry cheesecake that they’d shared on that date.

When he finally arrived at their apartment building, Seokjin was relived to see that he’d only used 45 minutes of his precious time and had still had time to bake the bread as long as he did that first. He could make Comfort Soup while the dough rose. After unlocking the apartment door, he kicked off his shoes by the door, then took all his ingredients to the kitchen. He put away the strawberries and cheesecake in the ice box then looked down at his outfit. Even with an apron, he should change so that he isn’t covered in flour and dough.

He didn’t notice it at first. Oh my god, how could he not have noticed? He had walked into the closet to change without turning on the bedroom light, so how could he not have noticed the light filtering under the bathroom door? The light he had turned off before leaving this morning. Y/n had left first since she had an early meeting at the office before he had to be to the recording studio, and there is no reason that she should have already been home. He didn’t see her keys on the hook by the door when he came in or her shoes on the rack where they belonged. Seokjin turned around as he pulled the white t-shirt over his head and stood there perplexed for a few seconds staring at the brightness on the carpet before striding over to open the door and turn off the light.

“Oh my god, Y/n!”

He opened the door to see darkening blood on the white tile of the bathroom floor, and Y/n slumped over against the tub. Her wrist was bleeding in her lap and the shining razor blade was lying beside her on the tile. While the volume of blood was disconcerting, there wasn’t as much as he’d ever thought there would be in a situation like this, so Seokjin knew he might have a chance to save her until he noticed the empty bottle of pills in the sink. Then, came the panic.

Seokjin ripped the hand towel off the drying rack and tied it around her bleeding wrist tight enough to put pressure on the wound while he full-on sprinted to the kitchen for his cell phone. He’d left it lying on the kitchen island when he went to change, and he grabbed it and dialed for an ambulance while running back to her. The dispatcher gathered their address and told him that help was coming, but Seokjin could barely hear her. He was shaking Y/n gently trying to get her to respond. He could just barely hear a pulse when he pressed his ear to her chest and her breathing was so damn shallow it barely grazed his skin when he hovered his hand in front of her face. Oh, god, she’s so pale, he though to himself before hanging up and dropping his phone in the pocket of his sweatpants.

“Y/n, baby, can you hear me? Please wake up, please. I need you to wake up.” He didn’t even realize he was crying until he spoke, just begging her to open her eyes.

He barely registered the banging on the front door as help arrived. He didn’t want to leave her, but he had to, so he ran to the door and flung it open for the paramedics and just left the front door gaping open and ran back to the bathroom. Luckily, they took the hint and followed him back to where Y/n was still limp on the floor. They worked quickly and got her all strapped onto a stretcher and told him that he could ride to the hospital with her.

As an afterthought almost, Seokjin grabbed the empty bottle out of the sink and took it with them. Once they were in the ambulance and the paramedics were doing their jobs, Seokjin finally looked at the bottle and immediately felt worse. The empty bottle had his name on it. It had contained muscle relaxers from a couple of months ago when Seokjin had pulled a muscle in his back overworking himself and the doctor had given them to him to help him relax the muscles around it enough that he could sleep. There had been around 10 pills left in the bottle, and Y/n is so much smaller than him in size. Seokjin didn’t know much about medications but he did remember that they were prescribed taking size into consideration, and for the second time in the last 20 minutes, he realized that she might really die.

“Please, Y/n. Please. Oh God you have to wake up.” Seokjin choked on a sob before he could say anything else.

Seokjin felt like the minutes that had passed since he found her were moving through molasses, thick and slow to drip through the hourglass. The ambulance stopped in front of the hospital and the doors flung open into bright late afternoon sunlight, and this nightmare kept going. The paramedics unloaded the stretcher and Seokjin chased them into the emergency room. He kept following them through two sets of double doors, not hearing any words that were being spoken to him until a nurse physically grabbed him.

“Sir, you can’t go any further. We need space to help her,” she said then guided him into a tiny private waiting room. “Wait here and I’ll come back to update you as soon as I can.” She had just made it to the door when he remembered the bottle that he’d been squeezing.

“Here,” he said shakily. “I found this in the sink when I found her. I know that there were at least 10 left in there.”

The nurse thanked him and left quickly, shutting the door behind her. After several seconds of being attacked by the silence in the room, Seokjin’s legs couldn’t hold him up anymore and he just collapsed. He couldn’t stop crying but found the strength to pull out his phone and called Namjoon.

“Namjoon-ah, I was too late. Oh my god, I was too late,” Seokjin sobbed into the phone.

“Jin-hyung, where are you?”

After hearing that Seokjin was at the hospital, Namjoon told him that they’d all come to him. Seokjin had no concept of the flow of time as he remained crumpled on the floor when all six of his brothers tumbled in the door, and he lost it even more when Jimin and Taehyung both wrapped their arms around him. They held him while he sobbed and told them about what he’d found when he’d opened the bathroom door. After a while, Seokjin felt like his chest was gaping open and all of his internal organs were falling out at once, but the tears slowed down as the panic flooded back in; his chest constricted in terror and anxiety and sharp, wracking pain.

“I can’t breathe. Oh, my god, I can’t breathe,” he gasped out as he looked up and met eyes with Namjoon.

Jimin and Taehyung backed up a little to give him some space as Seokjin started hyperventilating. The edges of his vision were starting to get blurry and almost sparkled a bit as his body seemed to reject every breath he tried to take. He barely registered the sound of the door opening as Yoongi ran out to get help. Seokjin struggled to breathe and tried desperately to cling to consciousness as the panic attack really set in.

An unfamiliar feminine face was in front of him then, encouraging him to focus on the sound of her voice. She spoke softly and calmly to him, but she might as well have been speaking to him in Greek because he couldn’t understand any of her words. For that matter, he could just barely hear her over this loud whooshing sound in his ears. The tone of her voice was soft and forced him to focus on nothing else to try to understand what she was saying, and after a few minutes the whooshing noise quieted down enough to hear her properly and he began to lose some of the tightness in his chest.

“Seokjin-ssi, that’s it. Keep breathing slowly and deeply. You are safe. You are just having a panic attack right now, and that’s understandable. Just keep listening to my voice and keep breathing in…then out…now in again,” she murmured to him.

After she was sure that he was calm and wouldn’t panic again, she turned to the other men in the room and asked them to help Seokjin out of the floor. Jungkook stepped up with Namjoon and they physically lifted him up and into a chair. Seokjin couldn’t help them because his legs had been substituted with lemon jello that hadn’t fully set up yet.

Yoongi held a cup to his lips. “Drink, hyung,” he said softly.

Seokjin sipped obediently a few times until Yoongi was satisfied and sat the cup on a nearby table. Seokjin was shocked when Yoongi wrapped his arms around him. Yoongi rarely initiated physical shows of affection, but he understood this entire scenario in a deeper way than he wanted to admit and he knew exactly what Seokjin needed in this moment.

“Yoongichi, I think this is my fault,” Seokjin whispered into his ear.

“No, Jin-hyung. It is not your fault.”

“But I think it is. I must not have loved her well enough. I wasn’t home enough. The pills she took were mine. If I had gone to Namjoon-ah for help sooner…” Seokjin’s voice cracked and he couldn’t finish the thought.

“It is not your fault. Trust me. Do you not remember where I was emotionally when we met? And how close I came to trying too? Do you remember what I said to you the night you walked in and stopped me?” Yoongi countered gently.

“You said that you didn’t want to weigh us all down and that you’d rather hurt yourself than hurt us. And that everything is all your fault.”

“That’s right,” Yoongi replied with a soft smile. “And what did you say back to me?”

“That just because you feel like it’s your fault doesn’t mean that it is. That leaving us that way would hurt more than any burden you handed us. And to let me be your tether when you needed something to hold you down to the earth.”

“Yes, So, now I get a chance to say part of it back to you. Just because you think this is your fault doesn’t mean it is. You saved her, Jin-hyung. You are the reason she’s still breathing now, just like you are the reason I am still breathing now. Yes, she got a little closer to the fire than we’d like, but she can still come back to us. And when she does, Y/n is going to need a tether on the hard days, yeah?”

Seokjin couldn’t speak at that. He still felt like everything was his fault for not realizing what was happening sooner, but Yoongi was right. He had to stay strong because Y/n needed that right now, so he squeezed Yoongi a little tighter then let go before he started to cry again. Yoongi moved from kneeling in front of him to plant himself in the chair beside him. Now that his panic attack had stopped, Seokjin felt like someone had buried him under the weight of about 100 tons of brick. Everything was so heavy, and he was too tired to try to climb out. He finally looked around the room and took it in for the first time.

The waiting room was small but big enough for all of them. Namjoon was in the corner speaking quietly into the phone, presumably updating their managers on what was happening. Seokjin hadn’t thought to call anyone except Namjoon since Namjoon was the only person he’d spoken with about this. Jungkook was standing by the door with his arms crossed, almost as if he was standing guard over his brothers; his stance portrayed his worry a bit in that his first instinct when one of his hyungs was hurting was to cry with them, then protect them if he could. Hoseok was sitting on a small couch on the left side of the room smashed in between Jimin and Taehyung, both folded into Hobi for security and comfort. Hobi had both boys tucked under his arms and was trying to help them stay calm. Both Jimin and Taehyung were empaths and this scenario had them both on edge from the emotions in the room. Jimin still had tears running down his cheeks from the fear of Seokjin’s panic attack and worry for his friend. Taehyung was staring at Jin with wide eyes, seemingly trying to decide if he was okay and what he should do to help.

“I’m okay, Taehyungie,” Seokjin said softly. “I’m just scared.”

Taehyung got up and moved to sit at Seokjin’s feet and wrapped his arms around Seokjin’s legs. It was a small gesture, but somehow it helped to settle some of the remaining anxiety in the pit of Jin’s stomach, and he knew that the physical contact would help Tae relax a bit.

Time seemed to stop moving. Seokjin had no concept of how long they had been in this room. It could have been seconds, or it could have been 10 years, but not knowing what was happening with Y/n was making him crazy. Just when he thought that he couldn’t handle another minute of this stretching unnerving silence, there was a knock at the door, then the doctor stepped in.

“Kim Seokjin?” he asked.

“That’s me. How is she?” Jin stuttered out.

“She’s still alive, but in critical condition. She had lost quite a lot of blood when you found her. We had to give her three pints just to stabilize her. We also did have to pump her stomach for the pills she had taken. We wouldn’t have known about that if you hadn’t brought the bottle in. Honestly, if you had found her 5 minutes later, the outcome may have been very different. As it is, she’s still very weak and unconscious. Hopefully, she will wake up in the next few days, but we still have to wait and see.”

“Can I see her?” Seokin asked.

“Yes, but just be prepared. Her color is still really pale, and she’s hooked up to quite a few monitors. We have also inserted a ventilation tube to help her with breathing for tonight. We hope to remove it tomorrow morning, but we can take it out sooner if she wakes up before then. It’s not standard, but due to the scenario, you may want to bring someone with you,” the doctor advised then smiled softly. “I really think she will be okay, but I can’t be 100% sure.”

Seokjin looked around the room at each of his brothers, meeting eyes with Yoongi last. “Come with me?” he whispered. Yoongi nodded then stood. Taehyung unwrapped himself from around Seokjin’s legs and allowed the two men to follow the doctor out of the room.

The doctor lead them down a seemingly endless hallway before they arrived at a set of double doors. The doctor waved his name badge in front of a keypad and the doors swung open to another hallway. They walked past 4 doors before the doctor stopped and knocked on a door on the left side then let them in.

“Just let me know if you have any questions. I’ll be in to check on her in a couple of hours,” he told them before leaving and closing the door.

Seokjin watched the door close before he finally looked at Y/n lying in the bed. It was like he was standing in his worst nightmare and couldn’t wake up. She looked so small lying there, and so, so pale. There was an IV coming out of her right arm that connected to a couple of bags of fluid hanging limply from a pole beside the bed. There was a plastic mask over her mouth connected with the ventilator at the bedside, and wires that connected from cathodes on her chest to a large beeping heart monitor on the left side of the bed. At the shock of seeing Y/n like this, his knees almost buckled. He would have hit the floor if Yoongi hadn’t grabbed him. Yoongi guided him over to the chair beside the bed and helped him sit down.

“She almost looks dead, Yoongi. Oh my god…” he whimpered.

Yoongi didn’t say anything, he just grabbed Seokjin’s hand and held it tight. It had been nearly 5 years since the night Seokjin had walked in on him with a knife in his hand standing in the bathtub of their shared bathroom. Seokjin had talked him down that night and 3 more times since. Yoongi can’t help but think that while he has recovered so much, this could have been him at some point, and his chest ached. He hurt for his friend lying in the bed, and he ached for his brother who loved her so much and he was upset with himself for not being able to help either of them. He settled on being as comforting to Seokjin as he possibly could and released his hand just long enough to drag an empty chair up beside him, then grabbing his hand again.

Seokjin gently held Y/n’s hand in his right and Yoongi’s in his left. He tried to take the comfort he got from Yoongi’s hand and pour it into the gentle grip he maintained on Y/n’s hand. Tears were dripping silently down his cheeks as he watched the machine take breaths for her and listened to the beeping of the heart monitor. The heart monitor’s sound was comforting somehow as the steady beating reminded him that every beep was a beat of her heart. Seokjin just sat and stared at her motionless form in the bed, and after a while, the beeping of the heart monitor lulled him to sleep without him realizing he’d drifted off.

A loud frantic alarm went off and Seokjin jarred awake, taking a second to remember where he was and why he was there. When he jerked upright, Yoongi’s head fell off of his shoulder where it had landed and Yoongi woke up too. The heart monitor was beeping loudly and erratically now.

“Oh god, Yoongi get help. Something’s wrong.”

Yoongi ran out into the hallway, and Seokjin could vaguely recognize his voice calling for the nurses to come help. Y/n’s eyes hadn’t opened, but she looked paler than she had been and Seokjin couldn’t help but to panic.

“Y/n, no! Please wake up! You can’t leave me like this,” Jin cried, shaking her gently.

The nurses ran in just before that same alarm that shocked him awake sounded again, and they shoved Seokjin out the door and out of the way to have room to work.

“No, please! I need to be with her! Please! Y/n! Y/N! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME. PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!” Seokjin started screaming and crying trying to fight off the arms that were holding him back.

Yoongi spun him around to face him then and pulled him into a hug. “Hyung, you have to let them work. You have to let them help her.”

Seokjin felt like he had lost all control and he wasn’t sure he could just stand here when his entire world was behind that closed door dying. At the same time, he didn’t know what he could do to help, and he was so angry that he couldn’t just fix this. Seokjin let Yoongi lead him a few feet away from the door so they wouldn’t be blocking the way if anyone needed to come in or out. After an eternity it seemed, the nurses opened the door and called Seokjin over.

“I’m sorry for shoving you out the door. The alarm you were hearing was the heart rate monitor. Her blood pressure was dropping, and we had to give her a big shot of some medication to correct that. She has stabilized a bit and you can go back in and wait with her if you’d like.”

Seokjin just nodded and walked back in and headed back to his chair at the bedside. Yoongi grabbed his hand and squeezed it for a moment before speaking, “Hyung, I’m going to go update everyone. I know they are all worried about what’s happening. I’ll send someone else to come back with you for a bit so that they can visit Y/n too. They love her too.”

“Okay,” Seokjin whispered. “Would you send Joon-ah?”

“Of course I will.”

After Seokjin heard the door click closed, he took a closer look at Y/n. She was still so pale and looked like she was so breakable. Even through all of that, she was still the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen, and he couldn’t just sit there by the bedside anymore. He needed to hold her in his arms, so he gently navigated all of the wires and tubes to climb in the bed beside her and wrap his arms around her as gently as he could. The bed was so small, but his entire body relaxed a bit when he was able to feel her beside him. Seokjin kissed her gently on the temple before speaking softly into her ear.  

“Baby, I hope you can hear me. I love you so much. I am so sorry that I didn’t realize what was happening with you sooner. I tried so hard to help in subtle ways and not to force you to open up about what was going wrong. I should have pushed even if we fought. I’d rather live with the knowledge that you are angry with me than for you to not be alive at all. Please. Please, don’t leave me.” Seokjin couldn’t stop himself from sobbing into Y/n’s hair, and he was so exhausted with worry and fear. After a few more minutes, he had cried himself back to sleep.

As Seokjin’s sleep addled brain woke back up a few hours later, he had difficulty remembering where he was, but then he opened his eyes and reality bitch-slapped him in the face. He glanced down to see Y/n still unconscious beside him. He needed to visit the restroom and something to drink. He had cried so much that his entire body felt like it was drying up from the inside out. He slowly sat up and maneuvered out of the bed so that he wouldn’t disconnect any of the vital tubes and wires connected to her and got out of the bed. When he did, he saw Namjoon slumped over asleep in the chair he’d vacated the night before and smiled a bit to himself before slipping into the connected bathroom.

Seokjin stared at himself in the mirror as he washed his hands. While he still was as handsome as he’d ever been, his eyes were swollen and a bit red from crying and sleeping in his contacts. His hair was sticking up everywhere too from sleep, and there was a big brown streak of dried blood across his white tee from where he’d found Y/n. He looked like hell. He splashed some water on his face a bit then came out of the bathroom. As much as he didn’t want to leave her, he wanted to check on the others down the hallway. After exiting the restroom, he sat down beside Namjoon and lightly shook him.

“Namjoon-ah, wake up.”

Namjoon startled awake a bit, looking around to see what was happening. “Wha…What’s going on? Did something happen?”

“No, nothing has changed. I just want to walk down the hall to check on the others and get a cup of coffee. Will you stay with her please? I don’t want her to be alone when she wakes up. I just feel like I’m going to lose my mind if I stay still in this room for another second.”

Namjoon agreed immediately, and Seokjin rose and left the room as quietly as possible. He wondered down the hallway and back to the double doors. There was a sign beside the door that notated a 4-digit code so that he could get back in without a doctor’s name badge upon his return, so he committed that to memory before heading back into the room where he’d left the others. He walked in and saw Yoongi and Hoseok curled up on the sofa, cuddled up together asleep. The maknaes were all three curled up in the floor together using cushions they had removed from the chairs around the room as pillows, but they were all touching. Jungkook was in the middle, with Taehyung draped around him. Taehyung had one arm and one leg thrown across Jungkook, and Jimin was holding his hand. Jimin was lying with his left side pushed against Jungkook’s side and his head tilted so that it touched Jungkook’s shoulder. Seokjin chuckled a bit at the sight, glad that he had these men as his family. At the sound of his laugh, Hoseok looked over at Seokjin where he was standing just inside the door. Hoseok had always been the lightest sleeper of the group, and any sound would disrupt him.

“Hyung?” Hoseok asked, “Is Y/n awake?”

“No, Seokie, she’s not. But I felt like I was going to spontaneously combust from not being able to help her, so I came out to get some coffee.”

“Oh.” Hoseok’s face fell as he learned that Y/n was still not awake. “Sejin-hyung brought you a change of clothes and a toothbrush in the middle of the night. Joonie told him about how you…about your shirt.”

Seokjin found the bag in the corner of the room, so thankful at how much like family their managers were with them. They had always looked after all 7 as if they were their own children, so when something happened to 1 member, it happed to the entire staff too. Seokjin stepped into the small bathroom connected to the waiting room to change and brush his teeth and immediately felt a bit calmer. There had been black sweatpants, a white tee shirt and an oversized blue sweater in the bag. The sweater helped immensely. It was the one that Y/n had stolen to sleep in the other day, so her scent was still woven into the fabric and it helped him to stay calm and hopeful. He stepped out into the waiting room to see that the maknaes were starting to stir a bit.

“Jin-hyung, I’m going to get coffee and breakfast for everyone. Can I bring you something?” Jimin asked.

“Just coffee, Minnie. I don’t think I can stomach the thought of food at the moment. I’m going to head back to Y/n, so just call when you get back and I’ll come out and get the coffee.”

Seokjin then headed back towards Y/n’s room in the intensive care unit. He heard Namjoon screaming for someone to come before he got back through the double doors and his heart nearly exploded in fear. What if she’s crashing again, he thought to himself as he was running down the hall. He nearly collided with Namjoon midway there. Namjoon grabbed both his arms to keep from falling backwards, before he said two words that made Seokjin’s heart flutter from relief.

“She’s awake.”

[a-robin-among-thorns]

In The Shadows Of The Rising Sun Chp 11

Chapters 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 

Once again thank you for your patience and for reading this story :)

Chapter 11: A Girl’s Best Friend

Word Count: 2,028

Their first week in the strange situation they found themselves in came and went. New routines became established, waking early to assure mutual chances at breakfast, scouring the library for any books related to the magical customs of japan. Evening snacks, and homework in the forest, followed by lessons in magic and language respectively. 

As Chise had suspected, Reina was unconcerned if she returned late and even seemed somewhat pleased she didn’t have to share dinner company. Even her teachers had reluctantly admitted that her assignments were improving. And to top it off Reina would once again be gone this weekend while she visited a friend from college. 

Not to say they were no hiccups. One such hiccup greeted her that Sunday morning in the form of Elias’ nose hovered worriedly over her stomach. 

Sleep covered her like a film of moss that stretched and cracked as she forced her eyes open. She had no reason to feel this lethargic, she thought, their day yesterday had been spent leisurely reading through tomes of Japanese folklore.   

Concerned wuffles whined through Elias’ nose as he looked her over again. “Elias,” She groaned, “what's wrong?” 

“Chise, are you injured?” 

She blinked. “What?”

“I smell blood.” Troubled pants racked his frame never ceasing his frantic inspection. “I don’t understand, I was here all night… I should have known... what could have…” he muttered in increasing frustration. 

“Blood? I’m not…” realization crashed into her like a tidal wave. She sat up quickly forcing her knees together in frantic damage control. The sporadic movement served only to further worry Elias, as he froze eyes flitting from her face to his claws and back again. Her hands came up in placating motions. “It’s ok! Just... please help me to the bathroom.”

Smoky shadow dissipated and reformed just as quickly as his arms gripped her back and under her knees. As he lifted her in smooth bridal carry Chise quickly inspected where she had laid on the futon thankful for the uninterrupted color that signaled her fear was unwarranted. His strong legs crossed the apartment in hurried steps till the pads of his feet hit linoleum. She wriggled slightly and Elias relented to let her stand.

“Thank you, now just wait out here for a moment.” He made to protest briefly before nodding as she closed the door. 

A brief search in the under-sink cupboard yielded exactly one product. Delightful. 

To say Chise’s cycle was irregular was a gross understatement. There were occasions where entire seasons would pass between the end of one and the beginning of another. As such, she rarely requested sanitary products and that morning happened upon the bad luck of Reina’s supply being all but empty. Her head fell back and her eyes winced shut in a grimace. Not only would she have to devise a way to calm Elias, who had almost certainly melted into a puddle of anxiety by now, but also they would have to run to town and buy more pads. 

So much for our nice day, she thought dejectedly. She supposed in a strange way she should have been grateful for this undeniable sign that her health had improved ever so slightly thanks to the steady influx of food she had enjoyed since Elias’ arrival. Gratitude was difficult to muster however, as her organs decided they had stood idle long enough in the form ripping spasms across her abdomen. She grunted as she strained off the floor. There was work to do. 

The door opened to the scene of Elias nervously fidgeting before fixing his eyes on her. 

She breathed deeply before exhaling an explanation. “Its Ok Elias, I’m not hurt. It’s perfectly normal for girls to bleed every so often.” She prayed silently that she would not have to explain menstrual cycles to him in detail.

His fingers flexed anxiously, making unclear whether this explanation had calmed him or worried him further. “You are...not in pain then?”

“Well I wouldn’t say that.” she blurted as immediately as she regretted. Elias’ entire posture stood on end ready to jump the second she showed discomfort. “I mean, it's uncomfortable but not unbearable. We’ll just need to run to town to grab a few things.” 

Through a truly herculean effort, Chise somehow managed to get dressed while keeping Elias stable as they headed out to town. A grueling trek later found Chise staring at a convenience store racks. She scratched her head in genuine confusion as to which size and amount she needed.  

She finally chose and mentally ran over any possible necessities. Her figurative and literal coin purse was slightly heavier as of late thanks to Elias’ habit of swiping free change off the ground. Thankfully he did refrain from the paper money as asked. As she was mentally debating the cost of painkillers, her attention was drawn to a pair of girls arguing across at the candy aisle. 

“Oni-Chan?" the younger girl whined, "Can we get chocolate for Haru?”

“No,” Her sister scoffed, “mom only gave me enough for dad and nii-san.” 

The little sister's tiny fists shot down spiking her shoulders in a heated attempt to appear larger. “But you have money!”

“Yeah, but I’m not paying for chocolates for your little crush.” The older sister continued unaffected. “You should have thought of it before the day of.”

“Pleaaase? I’ll do your chores for the week?” The younger one pleaded quickly changing tactics.

“...Make it two weeks and you have a deal.” 

Chise absorbed the meaning of her accidental eavesdropping as the sisters loudly made their way to the checkout. Why had they made such a fuss over candy? And more importantly, why did she feel it was so important to her right now? 

Shouldn’t have waited till the day of...the day of what? She mulled to herself. It couldn’t have been three separate birthdays...oh. Well, that made two glaringly obvious surprises before lunch. 

Chise was passingly familiar with holidays that forced family participation to at least acknowledge her as an occupant of the household. But a purely social holiday, Valentine's Day, was as foreign a concept to her as what it felt like to stand under the Eiffel tower. She had heard about, seen it on tv, even observed chocolate-coated rendezvous at school. But actual active participation? Well, that required several things, money, time, a recipient. All things she didn’t have. 

Didn’t have until…

Her eyes flitted down to her feet. To the passing observer, the odd branching patterns of her pale shadow cast in the artificial storefront light would be attributed to the irregular shapes of the snack aisle. That same snack aisle she quickly found herself striding towards where the sisters had stood arguing not a minute earlier. 

The electronic doorbell of the convenience store blared in her ears as Chise left feeling like a thief seconds away from apprehension. Despite having paid for the entire expense without dipping into the last of their food money. Her shopping bag’s weight felt as though it belonged to someone else but she strode forward. 

She was all but running by the time they reached the apartment and took the stairs two at a time. The door opened, shut and locked all in one motion. In the same second that her back thudded in emotional exhaustion against the door a wave of shadow surrounded her. His face formed first clearly desperate to see and speak to her before all else. His arms and legs took a full second longer to form as he scanned her for discomfort.

Summoning all her courage she plunged her hand into the grocery bag, fishing furiously. “Chise, what are-”

“Here!” she exclaimed louder than intended. But she knew that without considerable force neither the words nor the present would reach their destination.  

He was taken aback for several silent seconds, staring slack-jawed at the small package thrust forward in her palms. He shook his head and delicately plucked the present from her hands. “What is…”

“It’s a chocolate bar, for Valentine's day...for you.” She blushed fiercely.

“You were supposed to acquire provisions for yourself.” He accused in a surprisingly serious tone. 

“I know! And I did. I just...i-in Japan girls give chocolates to b-boys.” An odd thought questioned whether he considered himself to be gendered in any way. But that was for another time. “It’s how we celebrate Valentine's day. It's nothing special, but I... wanted to…” Her explanation had devolved into rambling and she forced herself to breathe. 

“I’m sorry…” I knew I shouldn't have done this she chastised. The warmth of his hand on her shoulder distracted her from his nose leaning forward. "Don't apologize," He breathed directly into her ear. He nuzzled her temple before pulling away, an odd heaviness settling in his expression. 

“I...wasn't expecting this,” he finally uttered. “Thank you for the gift.” He gasped. “Is there something I need to do for Valentine's Day?” 

Relief flooded Chise in a rush leaving her feeling giddy at the strange and adorable situation. “No, not until White Day. It's custom to give flowers to the person who gave you chocolates. You don’t have to though.”

“No, I want to!" He exclaimed, his jaw opening frantically, "When is White Day?” 

“It's not for a month or so.”

“Oh, please let me know when it comes.”

His eager desire to please caused a happy little smile to rest on Chise’s lips. A smile that was quickly broken apart as her ears rang and her stomach dropped. Her blood sugar and body fell in tandem, the later cushioned in Elias’ lightspeed grip. A miasma of terror permeated his being as he struggled to find words. 

“Sorry, I should have eaten before we left.” Chise offered feebly as she fought the pounding against her temporal lobe. Against his chest, she could feel him swallow forcibly as he brought her back to the futon. Any protest she had was stifled by gentle comfort as he laid her tenderly and covered her with their blanket. There wasn’t any harm in resting her eyes was there?

In the background, she heard clanking about the kitchenette but her sudden onslaught of fatigue made discerning meaning from the noise an impossibility. It wasn’t until Elias set the coffee table upright that Chise’s full attention was brought back to the present. The sound of cheap ceramic hitting wood followed by a light sloshing caused her to sit upright cautiously. 

“I...was unsure I could work the microwave.” Elias sheepishly offered as Chise took in the sight before her. The plastic cup she preferred to use had been filled halfway and beside it was a haphazardly filled bowl of cereal. She smiled. “Thank you...were is yours?”

“I don’t need any until you eat.” 

“Elias-“

“I am not the one collapsing. I can last a few minutes.” He argued pointedly.

Chise sighed at her foolishness and diligently began forcing down spoonfuls. Midway during her meal Elias rose and retrieved cereal for himself. Chise watched him intently between gulps. She chuckled to herself when he accidentally spilled milk on the counter. As he was looking for a rag to clean with, Chise spotted his candy had been placed on the counter. 

“Would you like to eat your chocolate?” She called gaining his attention. He nodded bringing the package along with him as he sat across from her. “How...do you eat it?” He asked.

She extended her hand to which he placed the candy, watching intently as she tore the plastic and returned it to his hands. “You just take a bite.” He delicately closed his jaws on the corner of the chocolate and bit down. The bar crumbled slightly leading Elias to worriedly struggle to catch the crumbs. Chise stifled a giggle. His jaw moved in an odd semblance to chewing with his teeth barely opening before he swallowed. 

“Well?” Chise questioned.

“It is,” his tongue flicked out swiping a spot of chocolate flecked on his incisors, “very sweet.” He broke off a piece offering it to her. She accepted, popping it into her mouth.

Chise smiled, “Yeah...it is.” The pain in her abdomen was present but considerably dulled. Very sweet indeed.  

[idontgiveaflyinggrayson69]

You Have A Connection

Author: Nat / @idontgiveaflyinggrayson69

Requested: Yes – @celinafuan

Tagging: @thisismysecrethappyplace @phoenix-fire-fangirl @aw-hawkeye @caswinchester2000 @starryrevelations

Fandom: Titans

Relationship: Pre-Established; Gar Logan x Reader

Summary: The Reader joins the Titans and Gar has feelings for her.

Word Count: 1.5k

Warnings: Mentions of torture.

Disclaimer: So, like the whole season of Titans takes place in like a week, but I’m stretching it out to be a few months so it makes more sense. xx

Comments: A changed the request a bit to make more sense.

The world we live in is dangerous and cruel. It’s a place where people exploit other people and beings for money. And since it’s the age of miracles and heroes, those with abilities, the meta-humans, were exploited and abused by those without abilities for money and other things. It was a cruel and unfair cycle.

And you, you were on the unfortunate side of the cycle.

There was a huge meta-human trafficking industry in the world that preyed on kids. Kids would be abducted and experimented on in an attempt to activate their meta-gene. And you were one of those kids.

You were walking home from a friend’s house one night when a bag was thrown over your head and you were thrown into a van. You never saw your past life again.

They locked you up, poked, prodded and abused you in an attempt to activate your meta-gene. And it worked. They were submerging you into water, filling your lungs with the liquid, making your body burn before pulling you out and giving you just enough time to be able to breathe before they threw you back in.

Your meta-gene activated.

You screamed and the water from the tub in front of you shot upwards. You could control liquid.

After that, they never tortured you with water again and they were always very careful with the liquids they had around you. They had learned that it wasn’t just water you could control, it was all liquids, included the blood in people’s veins if you had enough concentration.

And it was the fact that you could control the blood in people’s veins that made you especially useful to the meta-human traffickers. They used you to torture and kill people. You could stop their blood from flowing, killing them very painfully, and you could pull the blood from their body, making it spill from their skin and eyes and nose.

It was hell. Your own personal living hell.

You spent years locked in that hell hole, only allowed out when they needed you; but, after a string of happy accidents for you, you were able to escape and you went on the run. You were on the run for weeks before you ran into a group of people who were also on the run.

They were a group, a team, of heroes that included Robin, the Boy Wonder himself. You watched them fight and you watch as the boy with the green hair got stabbed. He was stabbed in the side and you knew the damage it could have caused.

You watched as Robin and the girl with the bright hair took down the rest of the bad guys before you ran over to them, ran over to the boy with the green hair who was being cradled by the young girl with dark hair. The young girl had pressed her hands into his wound and was sobbing; but, you knew she couldn’t help. You pushed her hands to the side and pressed your own hands into his stab wound, your hands becoming red with his blood.

You had been trained to control your abilities.

You could pull the blood from people’s bodies, but you could also stop it. You knew that you would be able to stop the bleeding. That he wouldn’t bleed out in that parking lot.

“Let me.” You whispered softly. “I can help him.”

You felt your hands get tingly and your veins and eyes glowed a soft blue as you stopped the bleeding. You focused intensely on only stopping the bleeding on the injury and not stopping the blood flowing in his body. You were there to help not kill. And the boy opened his eyes with a gasp. You pulled your hands back and sighed, it had worked, before becoming acutely aware of all the eyes on you.

After that, the four of them questioned you, your abilities and your motives, and after talking to you, you were asked to join their “team.”

That was a couple months ago.

Since then, you had grown closer with Gar and with Rachel. Gar brought light and happiness back into your life and made you feel like you were valued and important, which was refreshing after the years of being beat. And you helped Rachel with her powers and understand healing, which helped you feel like you mattered.

Of course, all of your problems weren’t magically solved in those few months. You wished it was that simply; but, it wasn’t. It never was.

If someone walked too heavily or made a sudden sound, you flinched. You only spoke when spoken to and were careful to be as quiet as possible, not wanting to disturb anyone or bring any more attention to yourself. And you always felt as if you had to volunteer yourself for everything, which you did… and that always left you exhausted.

And Gar, sweet Gar, always kept an eye on you. He knew that you were emotionally vulnerable and over working yourself and he wanted to help you. He always wanted to help.

Gar helped you to rediscover yourself and the things you liked. You always wanted to say that Gar’s favourite was your favourite, or Rachel’s favourite was your favourite, etc. but it wasn’t true, and, with time, Gar helped you to be able to say that you had your own favourite, be that favourite food, drink, movie or song.

Gar helped you to heal emotionally and show you that you’re a person whose opinion is valid and who’s allowed to be whoever you wanted.

And through helping you discover who you were, Gar fell in love with you and the person you were becoming.

And now Dick was gone and Rachel had rescued her mom and you, Gar, Rachel, her mom and Kory were all on a train headed to Rachel’s mom’s house to be safe.

You were seated near Rachel and her mom and you fell asleep quite quickly, so Kory and Gar didn’t want to wake you when they moved to the dining car to give Rachel and her mom some space.

In the dining car, Gar and Kory were talking. And Gar was thinking about you. After the Asylum, you hadn’t really spoken to him, or to anyone. The Asylum freaked everyone out, but your silence towards him put Gar on edge.

“Do you think (Y/N)’s mad at me?” Gar asked Kory.

“Why would she be mad at you?” Kory asked, trying to be empathetic, but her focus was elsewhere.

“At the Asylum, when I attacked the guy, maybe I freaked her out.” Gar whispered, looking down. He knew what you had been through, what you had done. He thought that your silence toward him afterwards was because you saw him as much of a monster as the men who forced you to commit violence.

Kory was quick to reply. “Maybe it freaked you out.”

The statement hung in the air.

“How did it feel?” Kory asked softly.

“Weird.” Gar said, not missing a beat. “I didn’t hate it.”

Kory nodded. “Good. You shouldn’t. It’s a part of who you are.”

“I killed him.” Gar said, his voice breaking a bit.

Kory nodded. “And (Y/N) has, too. What would you say to her if she was the one telling you these feelings?”

“That is wasn’t her fault. That she didn’t have a choice. That the violence doesn’t define her. That there’s more to her than that.” Gar answered, a small smile playing on his lips.

Kory nodded, her own smile playing at her lips. “You should listen to yourself.”

Gar laughed and opened his mouth to reply when Kory cut him off. “You and (Y/N) have something in common. That creates a connection between you two.”

That statement hung in the air and Gar’s eyes bounced across the car as he thought. And Kory picked up on his actions.

“You care for her, don’t you?” She whispered.

Gar looked up, almost mortified at being called out on it. “What?”

Kory smiled mischievously. “You wanna make out with her, don’t you?”

Gar’s eyes widened and he shook his head. “No? no.”

“It’s perfectly natural, kissing.” Kory continued.

“I’m not comfortable talking about this.” Gar said, his voice slightly higher than normal.

“You’re getting agitated.” Kory pointed out.

“Yeah, you think?” Gar replied, almost pained. He wanted this whole conversation to be done, which caused Kory to laugh.

“Can I have that?” Gar asked, referring to her drink on the table between them. He didn’t wait for an answer, reaching out and downing the shot very quickly. Which Gar regretted very quickly afterwards.

“Listen,” Kory said, her eyes scanning the train car. “I’m not going to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. All, I’m going to say is that maybe there’s a chance that your feelings are reciprocated.”

Halfway through her statement, Kory noticed the missing man. “Stay here.” She told Gar and got up, leaving Gar there in the train car alone to think about his feelings and her words.

[fyeahbecachloe]

the one where beca doesn’t like dogs (4/4)

Beca/Chloe Rating: T Word Count: 2885 Summary:What looked like an emaciated wolf was currently lying on her floor glaring at her. Eyes wide, Beca stood there frozen afraid it would attack her.

OR

Beca doesn’t like dogs but she’s dating a veterinarian so she’s pretty much screwed.

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3

READ ON AO3

Weekends used to be days to go out, hang with friends, go to the beach, or have date nights. Now weekends to Beca is lying on the couch doing close to nothing except watch TV and spend as much time with Chloe doing minimal activities. The exhaustion from their week only allowed them to do so much movement. The only strenuous activities they participated in was sex.

Beca was lounging on their couch, watching a Chopped marathon while Chloe cooked them lunch. She was helping earlier until Chloe kicked her out because apparently kitchen knives were not to be played with. MJ was watching her cook and hoping she’d drop a piece of food on the floor. Every once in a while Beca could hear Chloe talking to him.

“Such a good sous-chef!” Chloe praised and MJ barked. “So much better than Beca.”

Beca scoffed and lifted her head to yell at Chloe. “I heard that!” She returned back to watching but could already hear MJ running from the kitchen and into the family room where she was. He quickly jumped onto the couch and laid his entire body on top of Beca’s. His head was lying on her chest and he looked at her expectantly.

The first time he ever did that, Beca nearly pushed him off but now she’s so used to it. MJ has been in their house for about 6 weeks and he has been completely transformed. His fur has fully grown back and he was the appropriate weight. His one paw was no longer red and raw abut covered in his normal white fur. The fur on his damaged ear grew back as much as it could. He’ll always look a little funny with one pointed ear and one half an ear but Chloe said it made him that much more special. He still looked grumpy though but Beca kind of really liked that about him.

“What’s up, dude? You help Chloe cook my lunch? Am I going to be eating mouthfuls of fur?” Beca reached over and scratched behind his ear. MJ let out a little howl that sounded like he was almost talking. Another thing Beca found out while he’s been there. Huskies are talkative.

“Baby, food’s ready!” Chloe called from the kitchen.

MJ jumped off of Beca and quickly ran into the kitchen. Beca followed him, shaking her head, and sat down at the island and watched as Chloe set MJ’s food bowl down on the floor. “You do know I’m ‘baby’ right?” Beca said to MJ as he waited patiently for Chloe to give him his command.  “She was telling me food was ready, not you.” But MJ wasn’t paying attention to her because Chloe had given the command and was already wolfing down his food.

Chloe laughed and set hers and Beca’s plate of food on the island. “You are ridiculous, you know that?”

“He’s ridiculous,” Beca muttered and twirled a large quantity of spaghetti on her fork and took a huge bite.

Chloe shook her head in the amusement and began eating her lunch. “So MJ is pretty much ready for adoption.”

Beca swallowed her food and took a sip of her Coke. “Oh yeah?” MJ had already finished his food and was doing his normal sitting/begging for scraps.

“Yup,” Chloe took a bite of her spaghetti before continuing. “We’re going to film one more update at the clinic, finishing the editing, and then post in on our youtube. Then MJ is going to do a little photo shoot for the adoption website. I’m sure he’ll be adopted super quickly.” Chloe grabbed her iPad that was next to her on the island and opened up the notepad that had a long paragraph written on it. “This is what’s going to accompany his adoption post.” She handed the iPad to Beca.

Hi! I’m MJ, a Siberian Husky. My rescuers estimate me to be about 2 years old. I’m 55 lbs of pure fluff. I know I look grumpy but I can assure you, I’m a big love and cuddle bug. I’m already house trained and know all my commands. I’m very good on a leash and love to stick close to my humans. And while I get along with other dogs, I prefer to be the only dog in a house. I’m also good with small humans too! I’m very active so I need daily exercise so a house with a yard would be a perfect furever home. I’m also a good listener even though I only have one ear! Please consider adopting me, I’ll love you furever!

Beca finished reading with a smile on her face. “Did you write this?”

Chloe grinned. “No, MJ did, duh.” The smiled fell from her face as if she was just realizing something. She looked down at MJ sadly. “You ready for your forever home, buddy? We’re going to have to say goodbye soon.” MJ walked over to her side and put his head on her lap and let out a dog sigh.

Even though Chloe was looking down at MJ, Beca could tell that she had tears in her eyes. She put her fork down and slid her plate to the side and turned in her chair so she was facing Chloe fully.

“What if this was his forever home?”

Chloe turned her head so fast she felt the wind from her hair. Sure enough, her eyes were filled with tears. “What?”

Beca smiled and took Chloe’s hand. “I’m saying, what if we adopt him and he becomes our dog?”

Tears were now falling down Chloe’s face. “Beca, are you serious? You want to keep MJ?” Beca nodded now only realizing the tears in her own eyes as Chloe pulled her into a kiss. She could see MJ’s tail wagging from the corner of her eye. Chloe pulled back only to stand up and pull Beca into a full body hug with her face in her neck. MJ jumped on them and started barking wanting to be a part of the hug.

“You hear that, buddy?” Chloe asked, pulling slightly back from Beca while still having one arm around her. “Mama wants to keep you forever!” MJ titled his at head both of them before jumping up to stand on hind legs while his front paws were on Chloe’s leg.

Beca watched the exchange with a tearful smile. She never told Chloe but whenever she heard her talking to MJ, Chloe always referred to Beca as “mama” and herself as “mommy.” At the time, Beca knew that Chloe was already dangerously attached but a part of her really didn’t mind having that title. MJ was practically the dog clone of her. Not that she’d ever admit that to Chloe.

“So what’s next, mommy?” Beca quipped. “When do we sign the adoption papers? Or like do a gender reveal or whatever it is that straight couples do?”

Chloe rolled her eyes. “I’ll fill them out on Monday and I’ll change all the information on his chip. Still gotta film the last update and tell our audience that we decided to keep him.” She looked at Beca curiously. “What changed you mind?”

Beca took a deep breath and looked down at MJ who was still looking at them like something was about to happen. “Partially you, partially this stinky butt. When he’s not annoying the crap out of me, he’s so…” She stopped not really know how to describe a dog she never wanted made her feel. “Warm.” She looked back Chloe who was looking at her like she was the whole world. “Like you. You both feel like home.”

Chloe was crying again as she softly kissed Beca. “I have a confession to make.”

Beca grinned. “What? You knew I would want to keep him the entire time?”

“Actually no, after all these years, you still surprise me.” Beca smiled at that. “No, I wanted to say that I named him at the clinic when we first got him.”

Beca squinted at her not quite sure where she was going with this. “Okay?”

Chloe let out a laugh. “MJ stands for Mitchell Jr., I named him after you.”

If Chloe wasn’t already holding her, Beca would’ve pulled back from shock. Her mouth was open in offense. “You named a mangy dog after me? How very dare you!” MJ let out an annoyed grunt at Beca’s outburst (proving Chloe’s point more) before going back to his spot in the family room.

“Babe, please, you’re exactly the same. First, he looks grumpy as hell. He has blue eyes, (“You have blue eyes!”), he seemed to only like me and not anyone else, he doesn’t really like playing with other dogs, but once you get to know him, he’s the softest, sweetest dog in the world. Just like you.” She finished by tapping Beca on her nose.

Beca grumbled. “I’m not the dog.” Chloe laughed and pulled her back for another kiss.

“I love you, thanks for letting us keep MJ.”

“I love you too, please don’t tell anyone you named him after me.”

Chloe’s laughter filled the entire house. “I promise.”

--

Beca was working on a remix at the studio when she got a notification on her phone from youtube. Unlocking her phone, her lock screen was now a picture of Chloe with MJ, she smiled when she saw that Chloe had finally posted MJ’s rescue video. Pausing what she was doing on her mixing program, Beca went to her laptop and opened up a browser to youtube and clicked on her subscription notifications.

The thumbnail on the video was of MJ smiling and Beca couldn’t help her own as she clicked the play button. A black screen with the text WARNING: GRAPHIC WOUND PICURES CONTAINED IN VIDEO. PLEASE ADVISE appeared. Beca frowned because she knew that she’s probably going to be seeing MJ’s damaged ear.

“Hey guys, welcome back to Scrappy Little Pawbuddies, I’m Doctor Chloe.” The video started with Chloe walking outside while filming herself.  “I’m here with Xavier.” The camera moved behind Chloe where one of Chloe’s coworkers waved. “We just received a call about an injured husky that’s been frequenting an old shed. The local neighbors are not quite sure how long he’s been there but they have been leaving food for him. We’re here to see if we can get him back to the clinic.

The camera turned so Beca could see where they were walking to. The shed was located on an old lot and she could see MJ coming into view as Chloe and Xavier got closer. “There he is.” Chloe’s voice was a whisper and they stopped about 10 feet from where MJ was. He looked awful laying on the ground like that. He looked just liked when Beca first met him but a lot dirtier and his ear was bleeding. MJ definitely noticed them approaching because he quickly stood up with his tail between his legs. The camera was set on the ground but still had a good shot of the dog and she saw Xavier slowly approaching with a hamburger and a soft snare.

“Hey buddy, you hungry?” Xavier said as he stopped and knelt down a few feet away from MJ but he was already baring his teeth and was growling quietly. Xavier ripped a few pieces off the hamburger and threw it towards MJ. MJ sniffed at them but didn’t eat any pieces. Text appeared on the bottom of the screen. Xavier realized that the dog probably didn’t trust men so we waited a little while before Dr. Chloe tried.

There was an obvious time jump in the video as it cross faded so now Chloe was sitting in front of MJ and was trying to coax him out of the shed.

“Are you sure you don’t want any food? It’s really good.” She too threw some pieces of burger to MJ but this time he ate a few. He very slowly walked out of the shed and approached Chloe. Beca has watched enough of these videos but it still made her worry every single time Chloe would be this close to a stray especially if it was a bigger dog. Chloe had gotten her fair share of bites from scared dogs. But this time, Beca actually knew how this rescue was going to end.

“Good boy!” MJ was completely within in Chloe’s reach now and he licked her hand. She carefully and easily slipped a loose leash around his neck and gently petted him. The video continued showing Chloe and Xavier walking MJ back to the rescue van and he allowed Xavier to lift him into the crate in the back. The video faded again and now they were back in the clinic and Chloe was standing next MJ who was on an exam table. It looked like he was just freshly bathed and his ear was cleaned up. He was trying to lick Chloe as he she spoke to the camera

”Hey guys, we’re back in the clinic and we decided to name him MJ. We ran a few tests on him, gave him a bath, and cleaned out his ear which looks like was bitten by another dog. It had a little infection so he’s now on antibiotics. He was thankfully heartworm negative and surprisingly no fleas or ticks. Main concerns are his paw, ear, and it looked like he had some irritated skin at some point hence the patches of fur missing. It’s thankfully not mange so that hair will grow back soon. He was surprisingly microchipped but unfortunately the phone number was disconnected.”

Another text appeared on the screen explaining to the audience that the previous owner had died.

“We’re going to keep him here for a few days before he goes off to a foster. Well, actually I’m going to foster him until he’s ready for adoption.” Chloe smiled as she tried to keep MJ from trying to lick her during her entire explanation. “He’s actually already very trained so he seems like he’ll be a really good house guest. We’ll keep you updated on his progress.”

The video continued on as Chloe filmed his progress and it was really something to see MJ transform to a healthy dog. Of course Beca was there during the entire thing but to see it happen on a time lapsed video definitely showed the stark difference. Finally it got to the final update which Beca knew was filmed just a few days ago. MJ was wearing a Barden Bella scarf around his neck. Chloe’s idea obviously.

“Hey guys! Back with the final update with MJ and you’ll be happy to know he’s been adopted.” Chloe paused for dramatic effect. “By me! And my girlfriend. Yes, a complete foster fail, right buddy?” MJ licked her face. “We wanted to thank everyone again for watching and donating. If it weren’t for you, these rescues wouldn’t be possible. MJ is now a happy and healthy, very spoiled dog. Thanks for watching this video and we’ll see you again on the next rescue on Scrappy Little Pawbuddies! Say bye, MJ!” Beca let out a laugh when MJ raised his paw a few times and it looked like he was waving. The video faded to a screen with all the information on the rescue and how to adopt and ways to donate.

Beca scrolled through the comments and smiled at all the ones thanking Chloe and the rescue for all they do and the ones saying how cute MJ was. Of course she rolled her eyes on the ones asking about “Dr. Chloe’s girlfriend” and the rest of the comments telling the user that it was Beca. Sometimes she forgot she was actually a little famous.

Her facetime ringtone interrupted her perusing through the comments and her face broke into a smile when she answered Chloe’s call.

“Hey babe!” Chloe’s blurry face came into focus and Beca could see she was in her office. “Did you watch the video?”

“Of course I did, our little stinker is going to be famous.” Beca saw the phone’s camera flip and then she saw MJ’s grumpy face appear on her screen. “What’s up, dude? You’re about to go viral, please don’t let that inflate your ego.” Beca could tell he was a little confused as to where her voice was coming from so he just barked. Chloe turned the camera back to her.

“What time are you expecting to be home tonight? I’m cutting out early because it’s a slower day so I’ll probably be home around 5.”

Beca looked at the remix she was currently working on and saw she only had a few more things to tweak. “I probably could be out by 6 if I’m lucky. Don’t worry about dinner, I’ll get us take out.”

Chloe smiled. “Okay, I’ll let you get back to work so you can home early. MJ! Come say bye to mama.” She flipped the camera again and MJ did his little wave. Beca reflexively waved back. “Bye Beca, love you.”

“Love you, too.”

Beca continued her work with a big smile on her face. The rest of the day flew by as Beca’s mind was filled with thoughts of coming home to her family.

[thegoldenlily3]

Part 2/2 My Story 2019

Trigger warning/graphic photos ahead

My goal for 2019 was to sell our house and try to get pregnant. I was told by my surgeon that I should have a baby before I reverse my ileostomy. Even though my colon was removed in 2017, at this time I still had my rectum with active UC(Ulcerative Colitis). My surgeon said I couldn’t wait more than 10 years to get this removed and my ileostomy reversed because the disease can affect other parts of my body. Even then, I am not 100% cured. Since UC is an autoimmune disease, I will always have issues in some way. The disease manifests in ways other than bleeding ulcers in the colon. I’m prone to mouth ulcers because of this and I also believe, although I’ve not read this to be proven, that my skin issues are also a manifestation of my autoimmune disease. I deal with this later on in 2019. I’m also always tired and exhausted from all of the pain both mentally and physically.

At the beginning of 2019 my skin issues around my stoma continued to be bothersome. It had been months and months of having issues with my ostomy bag not wanting to stick and my skin oozing non stop. It wasn’t like I could just treat the skin and be done with it. Anything I would put on my skin would interfere with the adhesive of the bag. So I would cut around the edges and basically jerry rig my appliance so that I could treat my skin in different areas with each bag change. I will say this. For 2 years of having this ileostomy and all of these issues, I only ever had one leak; meaning I only had stool push through the adhesive and get all over me one time. Just one. That is actually really really good. My support groups are full of people that have been worse off than me. I was also fortunate to only have to change my bag once while in public and it was at work. I found a single person bathroom with a sink to use. My surgeon once told me that my stoma was very pretty and she herself thought she did a great job. She was an amazing surgeon here until I got a letter saying she was moving out of state so I needed to find a new surgeon. That was devastating and I definitely cried over it knowing that I would have to start over with someone new.

In April 2019, I finally had allergy testing done. I was actually supposed to get this done in 2017 but they called while I was in the hospital. So the first round of allergy testing was all environmental. They put these patches on my back(not what’s pictured) and they read them same day. They were all negative. Then they used needles to put the most common environmental allergies on the inside of my forearms. I wish I had pictures of that. This may sound like it was painful but it really wasn’t at all. The needle only goes through the surface of the skin. I had so many needles stuck in me in 2017 that I didn’t think twice about this test. This test was also negative. So great news, I have ZERO environmental allergies! A few weeks later, I had the chemical allergy test done. This is the white patches on my back in the picture. I had to go home with these patches on and come back in 2 days and have it read then. I wasn’t allowed to shower through that time nor was I allowed to sweat so I couldn’t go to work. Good thing I’m also a side sleeper. After they read the results, I had to come back in the next day and they read them again. Guys, I’m allergic to some pretty weird stuff:

• Balsam of Peru

• Benzoyl Peroxide

• Butylphenyl Methylpropional

• Carba Mix

• Cocamidopropyl Betaine

• Coconut Diethanolamide

• Compositae Mix

• Decyl Glucoside

• Fragrance Mix

• Iodopropynyl Butylcarbamate

• Nickel Sulfate

• Paraben Mix

• Propolis

• Propylene Glycol

• Thiuram Mix

• Ylang-ylang oil

May of 2019 was a pretty good month. Although I don’t have pictures of it, we went to Tappers Arcade Bar with some friends and we decided to ride the scooters around. The entire time I’m riding, we’re looking for a scooter that wasn’t dead for Issaac to ride. We came across the guys who picked them up and charged them and they started to help look. One of them got on a scooter and was riding pretty fast. We were in this narrow sidewalk and he came flying on my right and I got scared and ran into the half brick wall on my left. I scraped my ankle a little bit but I was pretty much fine. That is until I lifted my shirt...I did that, annnnd my bag fell on the ground in front of everyone. I immediately pulled my shirt down and laughed. For a second I didn’t know what to do and I was like oh I should probably pick that poop bag up off the ground before that guy comes over. I quickly grabbed it and he rushes over. He’s freaking out and worried I got hurt because of him. I reassured him that I was fine. The whole time he’s coming towards me I’m quickly walking towards Tappers while hiding my ostomy bag and my friend is with me the whole time. At this time I was wearing a two piece system so usually I’d be able to click the bag back on. When I hit the bricks, it broke the plastic so I wasn’t able to put the bag back on. Tappers was a ways down the street and we went to the bathroom and Issaac ran to the car to get my supplies down the block. Why he didn’t use a scooter I have no idea! And it turned out I still had the car keys. So my friend came in the bathroom and got the keys for him. She then returned and helped me because I couldn’t really do this on my own without doing it in front of strangers. I basically had my shirt covering my stoma so it got poop all over it and I needed help getting it over my head without it getting all over me. I was actually laughing a lot about this. I just thought the whole situation. Was hilarious. And I had a really fun time on the scooters.

Although in May I had a good time, I was still struggling with my skin issues. My allergy test didn’t really help in that area because a lot of companies won’t release all of the ingredients to their products. So it was then after very hard consideration and talking with Issaac that I decided it was time for a reversal. This meant that I was putting myself at a high risk of not being able to get pregnant. My GI doctor had told me at the beginning of the year that it was probably time to do it now rather than later because I was having a lot of abdominal pain with no explanation. It turned out that my diseased rectum was causing me a lot of pain and I had an ovarian cyst that had burst. So there are a lot of options for me if I can’t get pregnant. I’m a big proponent of adoption. I’ve also thought about IVF and surrogacy. All of these options are really expensive though.

On June 20th of this year, I had a Proctectomy, with a rectal mucosectomy, ileoanal anastomosis, creation of ileal reservoir (JPouch), with a loop ileostomy. In simpler terms, I had my the rest of my rectum removed which was about a foot long. I had my stoma stapled shut and put back into my stomach and my small intestines pulled down to my butt. They used the end of my small intestines to create a j shaped pouch that will act as a new rectum. Then they took a different part of my small intestines and created a new loop ileostomy. My previous one was an end ileostomy where the end of my small intestines was the stoma. A loop ileostomy comes outside and then back in but still with only one hole for output. It’s much smaller and a lot harder to handle. A loop ileostomy is required so that my jpouch can heal.

My recovery from my first surgery was hard because I was so sick beforehand. This surgery was hard in different ways. I had a different surgeon so he put me on different meds that I had never been on before but he was a great surgeon. I remember one was Gabopentin and I can’t remember the other but I was also on 3 different nausea meds. I ended up getting very very sick and I couldn’t eat my food. Imagine throwing up immediately after having abdominal surgery. I thought that I had been through the worst pain but this was just awful and I remember it very vividly. Issaac would hold a bowl for me because I couldn’t. Then a doctor came in who for some reason I thought he was there for pt but he wasn’t. I still don’t know what kind of doctor he was but he was just there to check on me. I started to throw up while squeezing a pillow into my gut and he held the bowl and held me up. He continued to hold me up and I just kept throwing up to a point where it was just stomach acid. He was the only reason I didn’t fall out of the bed. That there is a great doctor and I can’t even begin to express how grateful I am that he did that. I know it’s his job to be there for his patients but I feel maybe it’s not normal to go home and say you held someone as they threw up over and over and over. I imagine I can find out who he is now and thank him again. So out of the 3 nausea meds, only one really worked but I can’t remember what it’s called. I felt that the new meds were making me sick so I made the nurse request them to be switched to morphine and Oxy like before, only because I knew I reacted well to them. After that, I never got sick again and was able to eat. Another thing that was different with this surgery was my shoulder pain. It was very uncomfortable and I had never felt anything quite like it. I had to use ice packs and lidocaine patches to battle that pain. I guess the pain was from gas that they had injected into my incision after cutting me open to expand the area.

When I got home, I had severe issues with my stoma that I didn’t realize before because the inpatient stoma nurse would change my bag and didn’t say anything about any problems. The sutures had failed all the way around and created what looks like a moat around my stoma. This caused the nerve endings to be exposed and it looks blood red in the photos. Then, my incision glue came off and my incision came apart. For this surgery, they went through the same incision from 2017. My incision created a hole and got pretty deep but not deep enough for reconstruction. I went to see my stoma nurse and she was a God send. She showed me what to do and I had to change my bag style to a deep convex to help get my stoma more above my skin level. The convex basically pushes my skin down. It took me awhile to get a handle on changing this bag with this stoma. My output was much thinner and more frequent because my stoma was higher up in my intestines. My stoma was also much lower on my belly and in a dip of my stomach which also caused problems. The surgeon couldn’t bring it any higher. Because of where my stoma was, I had to have Issaac help me change my bag. He has been great throughout all of this. I would shower and he would set up a station with everything needed to change my bag. I would cut everything and apply everything but he was essentially my eyes for where I couldn’t see. I couldn’t hold a mirror and apply everything because I was laying down. Before with my old ileostomy, I could change it standing up within 5 minutes. This ostomy had me in tears so many times. There were a few occasions where it took us up to 5 hours to change the bag because my output wouldn’t stop. *** In the pictures provided, you can see where my original stoma was and there’s a ring of damaged skin around it where my appliance was. My skin is starting to heal and scab over. It took a couple months for that to go away.

To prepare for my next and final surgery, I had a procedure done called a Contrast Barium Enema. They laid me on my side on the CT bed and inserted a tube into my bottom and injected contrast. They then took xrays while moving me in different positions. This was pretty uncomfortable and I hope to never do it again.

Pre op: Today September 26th, I’m having a loop ileostomy takedown surgery and a flexible sigmoidoscopy. And of course this morning I started my period and am having full on symptoms with cramps and fatigue. No wonder I haven’t felt good the past couple of days. I woke before my alarm this morning. I didn’t sleep well. I’m nauseous and I guess it’s because I’m scared? I don’t know if I’m scared of the surgery itself or if I’m scared of afterward. I think it’s the latter. Right away I told the nurse that I’m a hard stick so she called the team with the ultra sound so as to not waste time with my iv. I really appreciate that. Now it’s just waiting in bed until they get here. 🤘🏻 So a nurse decided to poke me anyway and failed. I do have an iv now in my upper left arm that was done with the ultrasound machine. I’ve got the nausea patch on too.

The surgery was a success. It’s now a few hours after. Waking up was really rough. I couldn’t stop crying and I was nauseous and in pain. They gave me Diladid even though I said before surgery that I didn’t want that. Then they gave me morphine and Oxy and it it took awhile but finally I woke up with no pain. I walked to the bathroom with help which was hard. It didn’t hurt to walk but I’m just so out of it. Even as I write this, I’m nodding off. I just want to get everything down before it’s hours later and I forget everything that happened. I’m still waiting on a room but they just delivered me some Powerade Zero. I ordered that but they first brought me regular Powerade and I made them switch it. So I will be in here for a few days, until I have a bowel movement. It feels so nice already laying in bed and not having the weight of the feeling of a plastic bag on my belly. I feel free. It’s just so liberating.

Thank you for reading this far. I just really needed to get my journey out so it doesn’t feel like it never happened. If this helps just one person either mentally or physically then I would be ecstatic. 🤘🏻✌🏻👩🏻‍🦰