#my content battery has been dead but this man is actually forcing me to learn to make phone art

[neuvlett]

i am forcing myself to doodle properly on my phone bc i need this man carnally none of you understand—

[darkouter]

barty headcanon & general meta:  surviving the imperius curse

personals don’t reblog!  if mutuals think this is interesting enough to apply to their muses who have been put under the imperius curse before, feel free to tho.

ANYWAYS, time to talk about the implications of being controlled by someone completely for long periods of time!  let’s have a psych student ramble about the symptoms of trauma that survivors of the imperius curse are likely to face.  in fact, to tie this to cecil’s psychiatric health practice that he opens up on the wizarding side of london, i’d like to think that barty in his care leads to him forming this draft of criteria for a disorder that is closely linked to that of ptsd, but specific to those who are put under the imperius curse.

quick note:  i take heavy inspiration from netflix’s jessica jones series when it comes to how mind control works, as i already have an extensive concept built around it for my kilgrave rp blog, and you’ll see that influence throughout this post if you’re familiar with the series (if you expected me to not bring mr. eggplant emoji into this, you’re a foole, as he taints everything that i do and is a pervasive parasite to my very soul).  poison ivy, too, provides some direction for this.

first:  what does it look and feel like to be under the imperius curse?

what we know:  it is pleasant to be under at the time, possible (but hard) to overcome through sheer force of will, it can last for an indefinite amount of time, harry could successfully perform the curse on the fly without having practiced on anyone ever before, and j.k. bowling ball really should have defined it more so i wouldn’t have to write this post.

i think there are three main factors that inform how someone feels, thinks, and acts under the curse:  1.) how much autonomy the spellcaster allows them,  2.) how adept the spellcaster is at the curse, and  3.) the will of the person being controlled.  each of these may impact how lucid the cursed individual is/acts.

generally speaking, victims do not find the experience to be unpleasant for the duration of the spell.  in fact, it is usually calming and enjoyable.  victims are free of stress and responsibility due to lack of control, and it’s akin to being heavily sedated.  so.  imagine being incredibly high, and that’s how thought patterns and emotions are affected.  this may be disrupted when there is a trigger of some sort that causes a victim to fight.  an example is extreme cognitive dissonance, such as in situations where the victim is so severely against performing an ordered action that they begin to fight against it.  at that point, they may become confused and upset due to conflicting desires.  the curse doesn’t simply make people do things, but it makes people feel that they want to do those things, so the artificial desire battling with real desire will cause internal distress and debate over what to do.  the caster’s ability will compete with the will of the cursed in this instance.  

casters may gain better control by actively engaging with the individual in close proximity, using their wand, and only separating for short amounts of time.  on the other hand, the cursed may have a better chance at fighting if there is distance, lack of engagement, and long intervals of separation.  the spell is liable to lose its strength over a period of time away, where it is not maintained.  i like to kind of think of the spell having a battery life:  maintaining strength when the caster is nearby, charged / being refreshed when the cursed is engaged with through use of wand, and draining at other times.  a strong will fighting, particularly if due to an outside stimulus’ influence, drains it much faster.

barty remained under control of crouch sr. during his absences, but the dark mark’s appearance and death eaters showing up at the quidditch world cup was enough of an emotional trigger to give him the desire for freedom to act.  crouch sr. was not in his presence to strengthen the spell, so he broke out of the curse.  however, after being stupefied and taken home, he went back under.  the imperius curse’s influence is something that is an active, ongoing mental battle.  with crouch sr. back in his presence and without the same motivation inspired by the dark mark, barty could not overcome it.  he had to be freed by tom.

now, the curse lasts indefinitely if it is maintained well enough.  so how do people operate when they are not actively being given orders?  how much autonomy do they have?  all of those three factors would have to affect this.  the cursed may have more autonomy if the caster gave it, if they are not competent enough with the spell to maintain control that is complex and involves the ability to set rules, and/or if the cursed has a strong enough sense of self for their personality and instinct to show through.

when harry used the imperius curse, the man he cursed (i’m not looking it up, it was some guy during deathly hallows when they broke into gringott’s) had to be given constant orders to operate.  when harry wasn’t actively making him do something, he would look mindless.  harry had to constantly be cognizant of him if he had wanted the curse to seem natural because he was not good enough at the spell to balance how much control the man had over himself.  people who are not good at the spell may have something like this happen, with someone becoming a total zombie, or with the opposite occurring, the cursed are too autonomous (think of playing a video game character normally versus the sims; both need to be actively piloted/monitored for different reasons).

crouch sr. was skilled in his use of the imperius curse, and he established specific rules that served to keep barty isolated but did not otherwise cause friction with anything unnecessary, which allowed him to operate somewhat normally.  he was still dazed and would not have been able to pass as someone who was not under the curse, but crouch didn’t need barty to fool anyone because the entire purpose of the curse was to hide him away entirely.  their house elf winky helped him function where barty needed it.  barty didn’t have a strong enough sense of self nor the will to break free under normal circumstances, as these are large flaws that have always been part of his personality.  there have been times where the curse broke by accident of some kind or because something prompted barty to will it, but learned helplessness caused him to not actually do anything about it.  with regulus gone, tom fallen from power and disappeared, his mother dead, his friends turned on him after the trial, the last loyal death eaters imprisoned, and him supposed to be imprisoned/dead, there was nothing for barty.  even during the few times he managed to gain his freedom from the curse, he didn’t actually have any freedom.  there was nowhere to go, no one to turn to, and not much of a life worth living.  frankly, being back in control of himself would allow his severe depression to come forward, so the imperius curse was preferable.  at least he would be content under it.

second:  what happens after escaping the curse?  what are its lasting effects?

there are a lot of potential issues, but some concepts i think are important:  i feel like people would struggle with their sense of self, trust in their own judgement, and feel the need to make sure they don't feel that loss of control ever again.

immediately upon coming out of the curse, people are likely to be in a fugue state or otherwise very confused.  decision making may not feel natural.  they may dissociate, as they have not had full control, may feel like they still don’t have it, and the entire ordeal may have felt like an out of body experience.  being thrust back into their own body may feel unreal, and they might suffer from depersonalization (feeling that they themself are not real) or derealization (feeling that the world around them is not real).  

they might have permanent cognitive side effects from being in a dream-like, trance state for so long (where the above symptoms become chronic).  they may have to deal with wondering how much of what they did was themselves and what was the imperius curse.  there may be feelings of guilt and general self-blaming for their behavior, for not having enough will (i.e. in their minds, being too weak) to break free, or for being caught in the first place.  they may feel violated, used, or dirty.  maybe sometimes wonder if they ever actually got out from the curse, wonder if they can trust themselves to make decisions.  deal with paranoia that they might be trapped or controlled, whether by means of being cursed again or even just in other, more subtle ways (like socially, wanting to avoid ever feeling obligated to do things for other people; physically/magically, wanting to be able to fight; emotionally/mentally, not wanting to be made to feel weak).  they could possibly become hypervigilant and anxious and/or depressed.  some may have memory issues, whether amnesia surrounding time under the curse or problems organizing timelines in chronological order.  in general, organized thought may be impaired to some degree.  it may be hard to form interpersonal relationships due to lack of trust, feeling misunderstood, insecure, and wanting to self-isolate.

the trauma is unique to the individual, as it depends entirely on what someone was made to do during their time under the curse and for how long, which can be wildly different from person to person.  someone who was controlled momentarily in order to steal something for someone versus someone who was controlled for a long period of time and committed a variety of acts like murder might not have much in common between their emotional responses.

for barty, it really just exacerbated issues he already had — he suffered from dissociation, dependency issues, and insecurities about sense of control before azkaban and the imperius curse, due to crouch’s abuse and his own latent mental illness.  because it lasted so long for barty, his brain chemistry and thought patterns have been twisted more severely than most survivors.  he suffers from disorganized thought, similar to that of someone with schizophrenia or dementia.  emotions are more likely to win over logic at times.  there are some actions he simply struggles with doing, and there was a period of time post-curse where he couldn’t write coherently and had to make moody do it for him.  he loses his train of thought at times, his memories are fuzzy, and he has no clear understanding of who he is as a person because he wasn’t able to be one for so long.  he also has a very hard time communicating with people due to the isolation.

[pain-somnia]

Title: “dronk” Rating: M (no smut but it feels more appropriate than T) Pairing: SasuSaku and TenKarin Day’s Notes: Drunk Team Taka shenanigans but in a Real Life/College AU; I will possibly write more Team Taka College AU interactions (with possible changes to the Karin ships, only SasuSaku will stay the same) because @saradacchi loves SasuSuiKa friendship

She should have stopped him a few drinks ago.

And all of those shots were definitely a mistake.

Sasuke Uchiha was passed out and Karin wasn’t sober enough to worry about the way she was dragging his body as she pulled him by his legs.

Suigetsu was suppose to be holding Sasuke’s arms but he disappeared once they got outside. Karin wouldn’t be surprised if he got himself picked up and taken to the drunk tank.

I should have stayed home and cuddled with Tenten, Karin grumbled inwardly.

She propped Sasuke up so he was leaning against a streetlamp and sat on his other side so his head could roll over onto her shoulder.

“Ah, shit.”

Karin pressed the power button on her phone two more times, hoping it would come to life. No dice. Her battery had drained a while ago as she overzealously added snaps to her story.

She rummaged through the pocket of Sasuke’s utility jacket and pulled out his phone glad that he finally switched to a smartphone instead of the flip phone he used last semester.

“Here we go.”

Karin pressed Sasuke’s thumb on the home button on his iPhone and unlocked it. She was originally going to order an Uber to get them to her place but the feeling of tape on the back of Sasuke’s cell phone case was bugging her.

“What the fuck?”

Karin squinted her eyes and then removed her glasses before putting them back on when she remembered that she couldn’t see without them.

“Return...to...Sa..kura?” Karin frowned trying to remember what she knew about her friend.

They had become part of a group in their first semester when Suigetsu had forced them all to work on a project together. Karin wasn’t friends with anyone in university yet so it helped that Suigetsu dragged Jūgo over to her seat at the lecture hall.

Sasuke had been walking by, probably trying to figure out how to do all of the work on his own, when Suigetsu wrapped an arm around his neck and sat him next to Karin.

They sort of were stuck with each other ever since.

Karin scrolled down Sasuke’s contact list until she found a Sakura with blossom emoticons and a sparkling heart next to the name.

“Cute...”

Karin dialed the number and right before she realized what time it was, “Sakura” answered.

“Can’t sleep?” A sleepy voice giggled.

“No, actually, he’s passed the fuck out.”

“Umm...who’s━”

“Karin. I’m one of his school friends and I was trying to get him home but that asshole Suigetsu ran off on us.”

“And you’re calling me because…?”

“My phone’s dead and I’m too drunk to remember my girlfriend’s phone number and this idiot apparently has ‘Return to Sakura’ taped on his phone so here I am calling Sakura.”

“You sound very coherent for a drunk person.”

“Thanks. It’s a blessing.”

There was a pause and Karin thought maybe Sakura had fallen back to sleep.

“Are you somewhere safe?”

“Yeah, yeah totally.” Karin pushed back her bangs and took a deep breath. “Do you think you could come get us?”

“It would take me an hour possibly but yes. Anywhere you could go for now?”

“University Diner is twenty-four seven I could try and get us there. It’s only a block away.”

“Okay. I’ll try and get there as quickly as possible.”

“I lost my phone.”

Karin jumped, not expecting Suigetsu to say anything since the last time she saw him was in the bar.

“You didn’t have it when we went out. To prevent any regrets.”

“What was ringing in my pocket then?”

“Nothing you nimrod. Where’s Jūgo?”

Suigetsu went silent. If she wasn’t looking at him she would have thought that he passed out too.

“We lost Jūgo.”

“What do you mean we lost Jūgo?”

“I left ‘im in a safe place after he fell asleep but I can’t remember where…”

“You had one job Suigetsu.”

“To be fair.” Suigetsu took a long pause before his next set of words. “I’m drunk as fuck.”

“I hate you.”

“Yeah, yeah. So what are we doing?”

“We gotta take Sasuke to the diner. Then you’re going to look for Jūgo.”

“Can’t you just drag him there?”

“Grab his arms, stupid!”

. .

It was a total invasion of privacy. She would kill anyone if they did the same with her phone but Karin was one jager bomb too many in to care.

She was feeling wired from the energy drink but also slightly brain foggy and she needed to entertain herself somehow.

Sasuke was the weirdest person she had ever met. He had created folders for everything. Not a single app was allowed to float around on its own unless they were the apps on the toolbar.

She learned a lot about him though. He had one email account for gaming, another for school, and one for social media. Karin rolled her eyes that he even bothered with social media apps considering he rarely went on them.

She slid down the booth so her head rest on the top of the seat and sighed. Suigetsu went off to figure out where they had left Jūgo so she was stuck alone at the diner with a passed out Sasuke.

Karin balled up the wrapper to straw for her milkshake and flicked it at Sasuke’s nose. She was already bored with the games on his phone and although his dog was cute, there was only so much cute she could take before she cried because she was still kind of drunk and there was no puppy around for her to cuddle with.

Opening up the Notes app she thought she would find random class schedules and the like. Karin hadn’t expected to find locked notes.

Why would he lock notes?

Karin attempted to open one but it required a password and she couldn’t use Sasuke’s thumbprint to unlock it.

What would he hide? Photos? Sexts???

Karin gagged and put Sasuke’s phone down on the table. She picked it back up again when she realized she could use the contents of the locked notes for blackmail.

Karin wasn’t fond of scooping out the litterbox of the cat Tenten adopted and she could always get Sasuke to do it for her and a bunch of other errands.

But only if she knew the contents of the locked notes.

“Typical,” Karin huffed, blowing her hair out of her face. Sasuke was the type of person that didn’t need a hint to remind him of his password.

She groaned and stretched out her arms on the table top. Next time she was bringing Tenten along.She was her impulse control. Then maybe she would be at home getting smooches and cuddles instead of babysitting a grown ass man.

No. She would have to drag him back to her place where he would be drooling on the comfy couch she and Tenten coerced a salesman to give them at a discount. And then she would be disgusted. So then she would have to draw on his stupid pretty face with a permanent marker.

In fact, perhaps she could get one from one of the waitresses...

“I got here as quickly as I could!”

A pink haired girl plopped down across from her in the booth and brushed Sasuke’s hair out of his face.

Pink.

Pink!

“Your hair. Is pink.” Karin’s jaw dropped in fascination. She squinted her eyes and then backed away with a soft, “whoaaa..”

“Oh wow, you are drunk.”

The girl that could only be Sakura waved over a waitress and ordered a tomato mozzarella panini and cheese fries and a strawberry milkshake.

“He’s going to be hungry when he wakes up,” Sakura explained. She grabbed some napkins and wiped the drool from the corner of his mouth.

“Your boyfriend is a hot mess.”

“Well, he doesn’t usually get this drunk. He doesn’t usually drink enough to get drunk.” Sakura’s mouth quirked to the side as she watched Sasuke’s nose wrinkle up when she smoothed his hair away from his face again.

“I should have realized that when after his fourth shot he shouted something about his girlfriend being his impulse control and slammed three more before promptly passing out.”

“Why did you guys go out drinking like this?”

“Well we just finished a paper and this is the first semester we could actually all go to a bar since Sasuke just turned twenty-one. But tell me how you’re his impulse control. He never talks about you outside of the small updates about what he does on breaks and every weekend.”

“How are you this coherent?”

“Like I said, it’s a gift.” Karin propped her chin on her hands and leaned forward on her elbows. “But please tell me more about yourself and Sasuke. I would like to know some embarrassing things about him while you’re here and he can’t stop me.”

“I don’t think I should.”

“Boo you whore.”

“Excuse me?”

“Do you know all of Sasuke’s passwords?”

“We believe in trust in our relationship. Of course I know his passwords. We have nothing to hide from each other.”

Karin pulled out Sasuke’s phone and flipped it around to face Sakura.

“Then do you know the password to his locked notes?”

. .

“What are you doing?”

When Suigetsu returned to the diner━without Jūgo━Karin was scribbling on a napkin and the girl on Sasuke’s lockscreen was sitting across from her sipping at a milkshake. Sasuke was still passed out except now he was propped up against his girlfriend and drooling on her shoulder.

“We’ve tried like every possible password Sasuke could have used but we can’t unlock this folder of notes.”

Suigetsu looked at Sakura and then back at Karin. He looked at Sakura again for a full minute before holding out his hand.

“Give me the phone.”

“Okay but if we can’t figure it out how are you going━”

“Got it.”

Karin’s jaw dropped as Suigetsu slid the phone across the table. Where the gray lock screen was before was a picture of Sakura looking out a car window.

“What was it?” Sakura asked, eyebrows pulled down in frustration. She should have known him best.

“Bro code.”

“You still unlocked it, Sui.”

“Yeah but I’m not telling you what the password was.”

“Whatever.”

Karin started scrolling down and was confused the further she scrolled. They were all just normal candid photos of Sakura. Why would he━

“OH MY FUCKING GOD!”

All of the patrons of the diner turned to look at the source of the screaming. Karin shot them all a glare.

“What? What did you find?” Suigetsu attempted to grab the phone from her hand but she slapped his hand away.

“Not for your eyes!” She snapped at him.

Karin broke her glare to peek back down at the phone but then looked back up, her cheeks turning a blazing hot pink. She looked over at Sakura and shielded her eyes with a hand.

“I’m so sorry,” she muttered, handing the phone back to the source of her new discomfort. “The first set of pics looked so normal. I didn’t think he would have those.”

“Sasuke’s got nudes!” Suigetsu gasped, a giant grin spreading on his face. He pointed at Sakura and guffawed. “Her nudes!”

“Will you shut up!” Karin yanked on his shirt hard enough for him to fall into the booth. She looked over to Sakura who had gone paler than she already was.

Sasuke continued to snooze away on her shoulder despite all of the noise.

Karin hadn’t expected to meet so much of Sasuke’s girlfriend on their first meeting.

“I can show you my tits if that would make you feel better,” Karin offered.

“No thank you. I think I should just take you all home now.”

“Sui. Where’s Jūgo?”

“Oh shit! I knew I forgot something.”

[paisleywraith]

Curses, Curses. Chapter 14

Now that Kyle’s curse has been broken, he intends to find a way to break Kenny’s. No matter that the guy has been dealing with it for years. However long it takes, whatever he encounters, Kyle is determined to stop the universe from trying to boot Kenny off the face of the planet. Even if he has to face it head-on.

Karen popped up at Kyle’s shoulder once his day was over, all smiles and flyaway brown hair.

“Hey,” Kyle closed his locker, hefting his backpack over his shoulder. “Sorry I didn’t drive you guys to school today. Car problems, I ended up walking.”

“Kenny told me, Kyle, it’s okay!” The girl actually looped her arm with the older boy’s, smiling like sunshine up at him. “He says he can look at it for you, I just have to keep you from going home too soon. Want to walk with us?”

Kyle tsked his tongue, but walked arm-in-arm with Karen easily. “Kenny doesn’t have to look at my car,” He said. “I can get it looked at. Besides, he works at a gas station, not a car shop.”

“He worked at one last year,” Karen explained as they more or less forced other students to move so they could walk side by side down the high school hallways. “Kenny’s worked almost everywhere. He’s good at everything.”

Kyle couldn’t help a smile as he nodded slightly. Kenny was loved very much, of course, by his little sister. Karen had grown, but her love of her brother never wavered. If anything, she seemed to worship the middle McCormick.

As for the oldest, Kyle never asked where he moved to when he stormed out. He doubted even they knew.

Kenny was waiting at the bottom of the stairs, and laughed when he saw the two.

“Are we off to see the Wizard?” Kenny asked with a grin. “The Wonderful Wizard of Oz?”

Karen laughed and looped Kenny into their line. The three of them strode outdoors.

“Did your dad get your car started, babe?” Kenny asked, from over his little sister’s hair.

“Nope.” Kyle shrugged. “I’ll get it looked at, Ken. I know you work today.”

“Not until later,” Kenny lifted his chin, eyes sparkling. “I’ve got time.”

Kyle pressed his lips together to hide his smile. “Fine.” It did give him a great excuse. Kenny didn’t seem to own a coat, despite the fact Karen clearly had a newish one, and if he even looked at the car he’d have a reason to buy Kenny something without too much of a fuss. Kyle eyed his worn sweatshirt. Something insulated and warm.

Karen wanted to stick around while Kenny looked at the car, but insisted she was fine outside. Kyle ran in to grab his keys off the coffee table.

“Hm? Is your car working?” His mother absently called from the kitchen.

“Kenny’s going to look at it, Ma.” Kyle glanced up. “He knows what he’s doing.”

“Little Kenny?” That tidbit was enough to get his mother’s interest. She poked her head out to go over to the window and peer out.

“Ma.”

“And his sister! Why are you making them stay out in the cold, Kyle?” His mother more or less started shoving him towards the door. Kyle’s sneakers slid against the carpet. “Go, go, go. Tell them to come inside and have some something warm to drink.” Sheila finally let her son go, stumbling a couple steps. “Kenny isn’t even wearing a coat, look at him!”

Why did he think his mom was going to be a problem?

Kyle stumbled outside, where Kenny was listening to his sister chatter with a soft smile on his face. Fucking. Cute.

“Hey,” Kyle called over. Both siblings turned to beam at him. “My mom wants to know if you want to come in and get something to snack on afterwards.”

“Yeah!” Karen fistpumped, scarf flying.

Kenny caught the keys tossed at him, shooting Kyle a flirtatious smile and a wink. Kyle shook his head.

“Watch me work my magic, Broflovski.” Kyle swung the keys around on the keychain.

“Waiting with bated breath,” Kyle deadpanned as Karen bounded over to sit beside him on the front stairs.

Karen leaned her head against Kyle’s shoulder, looping arms again. Kyle found it more sweet than strange. He loved Ike, having a younger sister would have been nice, too. Kyle sat next to her and smiled over at the mechanic, who was whistling as he pulled up the hood.

“I’m going to make you a new hat,” Karen suddenly said.

“What?” Kyle asked, looking down at her.

She reached up to touch his worn, often-restictched ushanka. “I learned how to knit. Your hat’s all falling apart, Kyle. You still like green?”

“Green is great,” Kyle said, a touch bewildered. “Thanks, Karen.”

The girl hummed happily and went back to watching her brother.

“It’s a battery problem,” Kenny called over to the duo.

“What magic!” Kyle teased with a grin. “Astounding! A battery problem, who could’ve guessed?!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Kenny waved at him. “Laugh at the poor man slaving over the car hood. Laugh it up, I might change my mind.”

“Want me to help push it into the garage?” Kyle offered the asshole. “So you’re not standing out in the cold?”

“Mmm… Maybe.” Kenny leaned over the hood. “My hands are freezing off my fingers.”

Gloves. Gloves, too. Something waterproof and lined.

FWOOM

A crackling noise, then a sudden feeling of mild irritation. Fucking Assholes. Then peace, calm. He and Karen just stared out at the street, where they’d been watching cars go by.

It was nice that Karen liked him. He’d always gotten along with her, though. Kenny was fiercely protective but of course, he trusted Kyle to be alone with her. He’d look after her if Kenny wasn’t around.

The affection Kenny offered typically wasn’t said. Kenny offered physical love, but didn’t say a whole lot other than cheesy nicknames. Relying on Kyle, trusting him with his sister, however, that and Kenny hanging off him every few seconds made it apparent he cared about him.

Kyle was fairly certain he loved Kenny, honestly. Might have even before the whole curse fiasco.

Something sharp, like pain, pierced into Kyle’s mind. A memory, a jab of something he should already know.

The blood drained from Kyle’s face.

“Kenny?” Kyle sprung up. It was like now could see something, like he’d been blind in one eye. “Kenny?”

“Kyle?” Karen was staring up at him, a mildly puzzled, content smile on her face. “What’s wrong?”

Kyle stared.

Kenny.

The car.

Curses.

No.

Kyle flew towards the car, wind whipping against him. He felt like he as running in slow motion. Everything felt foggy, slow.

The world flew back into focus the next second.

Kenny was lying on the concrete, eyes open. Bits of metal stuck into his face, his sweatshirt, making it look as if he were dirty. Liquid from the car seeped into his shirt and splottled his skin. He was bleeding. From wounds and from his orifices.

“K-Kenny…” Kyle fell to his knees beside him, the cold concrete roughing up his knees through his jeans. “Kenny?”

He was so still. So very still. He’d never seen Kenny like this, devoid of color and movement. Everything that made him Kenny.

“What’s wrong, Kyle?”

Kyle didn’t even register her voice at first, frozen in horror. Kenny was pale, unmoving, a look of surprise frozen on his face. He hadn’t even heard him cry out…had he screamed? Kyle cupped his face, cold under his fingers. How long had he been dead and he hadn’t noticed?

Oh God. Dead. Kenny was dead.

A whimper slipped past his lips. Dead. Kenny had died. Kenny was killed.

“Kenny…” Kyle kept repeating his name, vision blurring. His shaped, cold face against his fingers. No pulse. He’d just been cuddling last night, he was warm and vibrant and here he was cold and white and dead, dead, dead.

“Kenny’s busy. He’ll be back.” Kyle slowly lifted his eyes to see Karen watching him with that vague smile, unbothered by her brother’s corpse or by Kyle’s jeans soaking up his blood.

Kyle looked back down. Beautiful mosaic eyes stared up at the clear sky, dead as glass.

“…Kenny.” He brushed his thumbs over his cheeks.

“I’m glad you’re dating Kenny, Kyle.” Karen went on, happily pulling her scarf over her lips. “You make him so happy.”

“Please don’t do this, Ken. Kenny, please.” Kyle leaned over him, feeling himself shake. He might be sick. “Please. You fucking dick don’t you dare…Ken, Ken, please.”

“He liked you for a while, you know.” Karen’s voice was soft. “Since we were little.”

“Kenny. Y-you better come back. Soon.” Kyle was shaking so hard his fingers tapped over his cheeks. “Kenny, can you hear me? Don’t you dare…leave me here…you better come back. Right now.”

“He loves you so much, Kyle.”

“Kenny!”

“Don’t cry, Kyle. Everything is fine.”

“Don’t you fucking leave me, Kenneth McCormick! FUCK!”

[lykanthropa]

Support Class

Chapter 5: Medics Story

When the sun rises on the horizon, Medic still sits at his desk and stares dead ahead, deeply sunk in his thoughts. He wanted to sleep. Really. But how could he have do that? To wake up the next day and enjoy his life as a mercenary for a moment just to be hit hard in the face by the hand of reality in the next moment? No, thanks. Still, he had tried to persuade himself all night that Friedrich is only an illusion. A bad dream. He had always tried to calculate the probability that Friedrich would ever learn of the writing and that he really come here. To America, to the desert. At least this was in the beginning. The more years passed, the less had he thought of it. Until he had not thought of it in the end anymore. He had forgotten it until Friedrich stood before him. He must have remembered the letter. Otherwise he would not be here. But how did he get it? Medic must know. He'll rub it in for sure… What should he do if the administrator cedes his job to Friedrich? Where is he to go? Two medics are certainly not tolerated. And even if… He could never tolerate Friedrich next to himself. “Sigh…”

Hans leaves the infirmary. It's still very early, the base is still sleeping. He wants to look at each room, to indulge in reminiscences. Just in case he really should go… After some rooms, however, Medic must realize that not the whole base is sleeping. He finds Friedrich sitting in the dinner room at the table. Before him an open book. Probably one from the common room. He is not an illusion. He never was and never will be. And yet it seems as unreal as he is sitting there. Friedrich looks up from his reading when he notices Hans. The Dobermann dogs under the table Medic notices only when they begin to growl. Yesterday he was speechless, but today he wants answers. So Hans sets his most arrogant face. “Since when did you become a dog lover?” A chuckle. “I'm glad you found your voice again. There are some things I would like to know from you.” “First of all I would have liked to know why you are here. How do you know about the existence of Mann Co. and of this secret base? When I had found the letter on your desk, he was still closed.” “Well, what can I say?” Friedrich leaned back in his chair and folded his arms in front of his chest. “As you know, I was always very thorough. This involved not only medical matters, but also paperwork. Before you found the letter that was addressed to ME, I had opened it long ago, copied the contents and locked away.” “What…? Why do you copy letters?” “A habit. Paper can be lost so easily. And this letter was by far the most important I've ever received.” “And then you seal the envelope again?” “Well, I wanted to read the letter in peace. Actually after the wedding of the Prime Minister…” “So you sealed it up again so you can pretend you've just discovered it in this right moment? Weird…” “I don't think we need to discuss who is weird from both of us. After all, you were the one who had removed the entire skeleton from the man.” “So what? This was an important medical progress. You should not have to rat me out. Because of you I have lost my medical license. But, you know what? The guys here don't care if I have a license or not. Chief thing I’m doing my job. And I'm damn good in doing my job. Do you really think you can replace me?” “I think you forget about that it's MY job. It has always been. By your fraud, I was traped in Germany for more than 20 years, after it was being taken over by the Russians and the Americans. You have no idea of what I had to go through. I was forced to learn the Russian language. I had to hear from American soldiers over and over again how stupid we Germans are, while I was taking care of their wounds. A German was worth only if he was an engineer. And a doctor. So I had it better than most. Yet I was a prisoner in my own country. It was only three months ago that the copy of the letter had fallen back into my hands when I cleaned up, and everything came back at once. I made all the preparations to get here. And here I am now.” “This is my only home. You can't take it from me.” “I'm supposed to considerate of you? I don't care what happens to you when you're be dismissed. But I'll tell you one thing. If I become the new Medic, you will have to go. America is big. And the Americans are crazy, just like you. I'm sure someone, somewhere in this country needs a madman like you.” “…you sound very embittered. Should I really have to go, I can only advise you to treat the guys here well. I have acquired myself a certain status here. You should take it so that they have respect you.” „I think I will behave as always. And if they don't agree with it, they got bad luck.” “If you have not changed in all these years, you will have a rough ride.” “I am not interested in whether I get on well together with them. I just want to do my job. I've waited long enough for that. And I was always the better of both of us. You still know that, don't you? The team will already notice that I am the better choice and soon forget you.” “You're only here to take yourself revenge on me.” “This is only partly true.” “………”

“I have gone through all the data and documents. At that time the invitation of my predecessor was for Friedrich König. He was chosen as a primal Medic after careful consideration.” The mercenaries stands tense in the contact room in front of the big screen, on which the administrator speaks to them. The only one in the room who is not tense is Friedrich. He is sure that he will win. When Hans looks at the administrator and Friedrich, then he also believes it. “Hans Freud's deception all these years has the consequence that I dismiss him and appoint Friedrich König as the new Medic of the Red team.” A shocked whisper goes through the whole room. “B-but that's not okay!” Scout says. “We've been working with him for years! He is something like our mama!” “Is this perhaps the status you mentioned earlier?” chuckles Friedrich. Hans ignores him. “Scout’s right. Besides, it could take forever to work in the newbie. And-“ “I am quite capable of doing things to myself” interrupts Friedrich Engineer. “You should not forget that I am your real Medic and he-“ König puts a hand on Hans' shoulder, who immediately shakes it away. “-is just an impostor, a fraud. He has lied to you all these years. Also the administrator. And that is not to be tolerated.” “Hans Freud” the administrator says, “I will give you one day to inaugurate Friedrich König into the rights and duties of a Medic, to pack your things and leave the base.” Hans stares at the floor, but he felt the sympathetic looks of his friends. “………”

Friedrich views the infirmary with a sharp look. In doing so, he inspects every minute detail. He doesn't miss the glass on a shelf with the tumor bread, which itself winds furiously behind the glass in the liquid. Friedrich turned to Medic with a questioning look. He just shrugs. “It’s a long story.” Friedrich leaves it at that and discovers Hans' favorite piece next. His Medigun. “What is that supposed to be? A car battery and a fire hose?” Medic clenches his fists but he makes a game face but he doesn't let his anger show. “Well, basically, yes.” “Great. A tinkered thing, fastened with rubber bands.” “………” “As squalid as your equipment is, so is your team. They smoke, they drink. It is time for a lot of changes.” Hans wants to answer something, but changed his mind. Instead, he will explain his old fellow student how the Medigun works. “Listen well, for I will not repeat myself. The Medigun is a weapon, but its main function is to heal injured team members. It's best to überheal. During healing, the Übercharge will rises…” “Überheal? Übercharge? What is this nonsense?” Hans ignores him and continues with his explanations. “The healing beam remains connected to the healing target until it either moves too far away or is interrupted by something. But the healing beam is flexible enough to be able to heal your future team mates around corners. When the Übercharge bar is full, this sign reads "Übercharge Ready", then you have to activate this lever around here and voilá - the healing target becomes invulnerable. Best is to do it with Heavy.” “What do you mean 'invulnerable?'” “Invulnerably, invincible, bulletproof. Meine Güte, call it as you like. Or should I define this word to you?” “How can this be possible?” “Ach, that’s easy. I have the heart of my team comrades upgraded with a battery. Well, actually it's more of a pulse receiver.” “How is this supposed to work?” “Hehehe… You are a doctor and have no idea about my work you want to take over. Body cut open, heart removed, battery attached with steel needles, heart back in the chest and body closed again. Easy, don’t you think?” Friedrich nods his head. “You're really a sick bastard.” “I thought you knew I'm brilliant since the thing with the skeleton.” A cooing and wing-beating attract Friedrich's attention to the ceiling. There are some of Hans' doves sitting on the ceiling lamp. “You're holding doves in the Infirmary? How unhygienic!” “Oh no. They are completely house trained. For their business, they fly outside.” “Wait a moment… Those are not... the wedding doves, aren't they?” “Yes, they are.” “They cannot live anymore. That's more than 20 years ago.” “This is quite possible. With very good living conditions, doves can get very old.” Archimedes is flown on Medic's shoulder. Friedrich makes an abhorred face when he sees the blood on the bird. “Well, I have to confess that I have mixed something into their food every now and then, which has extended their longevity. Next to the team, they are also my family. Too bad I couldn't see your face when the Prime Minister bawl you out thoroughly. He had so much relied on you, as his close friend, that you make sure his wedding will be a success. At that time I cast a glance at his future bride. A dragon, if ever there was one. I know how much she looked forward to the doves. They should be the highlight of the wedding. She must have burst with anger when there were no doves.” Friedrich stared at him dangerously. And when he opens his mouth, Hans assumes that he will give it to him straight. But he don't defer to it. Instead, he says: “You can take the winged rats with you.” “I woulda do that anyway.” “But the money you have earned in all these years stays here. After all, it is the money I would have earned.” “………” “And now tell me the thing with the Respawn.”

An hour later, Medic is sitting with his team at the table in the dinner room. It's his last day with them. Besides, he still owes them an explanation. They all sit quietly and look at him. Even Scout sits still. “I don’t know where to start…” “We don't blame ya, Doc. Just start from the beginning. These Friedrich is also German, isn't he?” “Yes… Okay. It started in Germany 25 years ago. Until I was 21, I lived at my birthplace Rottenburg, until I went to Berlin for a medical study. It was 1938.” “Why didn’t you study in Rottenburg?" Scout asks. “This was not possible. I loved my town, but Rottenburg is a hicksville. It's a quiet town for older people. During my studies, I met Friedrich. Before I even knew his name, I knew that much hope was put onto him. He was intelligent and handsome and came from a wealthy family who had a lot of influence. This was probably the reason why he had such a close contact with the Prime Minister. He had trusted him very much. We have never understood each other very well. He probably saw a danger in me. Next to him I was the best student. Well, for that reason, I was always the only one with whom he played chess…” “That’s our Medic!” “Thanks, Demo.” “Did he already have this embarrassing hairdresser at that time?” “Hahaha! Yes, he did.” “Don't interrupt him all the time, Kid!” Sniper pokes Scout in the rips with his elbow. “Ow!” Medic sighs. He'll miss that terribly. “You okay, Doktor?” “Yes, Heavy. I’m fine.” “Njet, Doktor. Call Heavy Misha.” “What?” Surprised, Medic looks up to his best friend. “My name is Misha. Proper name is Mikhail. But family calls me Misha. Team is also my family.” Medic is stunned. He has been working with Heavy for almost four years now and they've even become best friends. But to call him by his first name, he didn't had this idea. “Well, while we're on it,… My name is Dell.” Engineer introduces himself. “I am Tavish Finnegan. Nice to meet ya, lads.” “Call me Jane Doe!” “Hahaha! Jane? Isn’t that a girl’s name?” “Jane Doe…? The story behind this name is a little gruesome…” “Shut up, maggots! Jane is a good name!” Spy rises from his chair. “Now I'll introduce myself.” “Here he comes.” The Frenchman gives Scout a warning look. Then he clears his throat and starts again. “So. My name is Aimeric Aloïs.” “Geez! None can pronounce that! Are you from a noble family or something?” “These are normal French names.” “Crazy…” “What’s your name, Scout? Instead of complaining, you should introduce yourself now.” Sniper suggests. “My name… My name is err… Max Power.” The entire team looks at the youngest with a raised eyebrow. Only Spy is laughing. “Max Power? In your imagination, perhaps. His name is Benny.” “Don’t call my Benny!” “Your mother calls you that too.” “She is the only one who can do that. But woe to one of you call me by this name! My proper name is Ben…” “Benjamin.” “Fuck you, Spy!” The whole team is laughing. Medic too. Oh yes, I will miss it very much… “What is your name, huh? Mister ‘I piss in jars’.” Sniper takes off his hat. “Ya can call me Mundy, mates.” “Mmphhff! Mmpf!” “It's very nice to meet you. I am Hans Freud.” A strange feeling spreads in Medic. It is as if he would to become really acquainted with them all on his last day with them. “Continue, Hans.” And an even more remarkable feeling is to be called by them by his proper name. But…it’s nice. “Well, at the age of 28 I successfully completed my studies and got my medical license. That was 1944. The Second World War had already been in full swing for several years and Berlin was attacked several times. But I was lucky that my whereabouts were not affected. Likewise, I knew how to dodge the draft. I wanted to carry out experiments and not afford boring medical services.” “And you did, didn’t you?” “But of course~ I had my license, but I was not working in a hospital. I wanted to be a doctor of science. But I had to practice. I had the permission of my professor to use the premises in the institute. I had begun with small experiments. Nothing important. Had opend heads of dogs and played with the synapses. Equipped some organs with small circuits... Don't look at me like that. The animals were fine after that. They probably had a longer life than normal. But at some point I wanted to try something great. And I needed a person for it. However, I hardly believed that one of the students are willing to stoop to do it. So I went off to find someone suitable and finally met a homeless person, whom I had promised money when he helped me with my experiment. He agreed immediately. The risk was too great to be discovered, so I did the surgery in the late evening. I stun him with chloroform and then carefully cut his body open from top to bottom. After all, I wanted to remove his entire skeleton.” “That’s sick…” “Oh Scout. You don’t understand that. This should be a giant advance in medical history. Today, we are on a better level than we were twenty years ago. But if they had given me the chance, perhaps we would be much further today. I didn't do it for fun... Na ja, maybe a little bit. In any case… When I had just taken the skeleton out of the body, Friedrich suddenly appeared. To this day I have not forgotten his facial expression. He said he knew I was up to something, and that's why he was shadowing me. He turned on the heels and I knew he would tell the institute's leadership. No one would understand, and if I had not made myself invisible, I would have end up in the penitentiary or the Asylum. My whole future as a doctor had been destroyed. And I wanted revenge. One night, I had sneaked into the institute, broke open the door to Friedrich's office, and had been looking for something I could get him back for it. I found a letter from the Prime Minister. He had commissioned Friedrich to prepare his wedding because he didn't trust anyone else. And it should take place in two days. If that was not the perfect revenge, I thought to myself. And then I discovered Mann Co.'s letter on his desk.” “And so you have learned of their existence.” “Yes. I learned everything from it. Who and what is Mann Co. is, in which country it is, why they want him and how much they pay. I was stunned and was equally angry and happy. I knew that Friedrich was a good doctor, but in contrast to him, I was brilliant! Why wasn't I chosen? They must have watched him for a long time to decide that he could be suitable for work at Mann Co. I took the liberty to take up his identity and taking the job in his stead. Another perfect revenge. I knew he would never miss this opportunity. And moreover I was glad that I could leave Germany. The war was already as good as lost. I was glad I did not have to stay there to watch the Russians and Americans overrun us. I had only one day to prepare everything. But I knew where I could get fake papers. I packed all my things and contacted the person who was noted in the letter. He would help me enter America. But first I went to the wedding to blow it up. I crept around the church, while everyone was in the church for marriage. I knew how much the future bride of the Prime Minister loved white doves. There was a van with boxes of wedding doves. The van was not locked and the ignition key was still plugged. And there was no one to watch the birds. No one would have thought anyone could steal wedding doves. I got in and drove away.” “Wow, Doc!  When you were young, you were really cool! Burglary, identity theft, break up a wedding, car theft… Cool. I would have been proud to call you my Bro.” “Thanks, Scout… At a lonely place I wanted to release the doves into freedom. However, they didn’t seem to care. They just didn’t want to get out of their cages. That didn't even change when I shook the cages. Only one dove jumped out and flew on my shoulder. I took it and threw it in the air. I had thought the dove was about to leave when suddenly it sat on my shoulder again. I threw it in the air again. When I turned back to the other doves, I heard a cooing behind me. I looked around, but couldn’t find anything. Until I noticed that this dove clung to the fabric of my suit on the back. A very clingy dove. I don't know, but that touched me and I decided to keep them all. They were alone, I was alone... Wedding doves are bred. They would not have oriented themself in the wilderness anyway. So I went to my secret accommodation with the van, took my belongings and the fake papers and went straight to the contact person. I showed the papers and the letter. He had been looking at me for a long time, and I was afraid that I got busted. But then he led me to an airport where a private machine was waiting for me. And then my new life began.” “Wait a sec… We've only been working together for three years.” “Now it’s four years.” “But you said you started 20 years ago as a Medic. Where were you?” “Well… I was working with another team. A BLU Team. They were quite different from you. From the very beginning they had called themselves by their first name. But they did not often make jokes. They were very serious. Real veterans. Accordingly, they were old. Beside them, I sometimes felt like a greenhorn. The Heavy there, however, didn't liked me very much. Like the most of them. For 22 years I was with them before I came to you.” “Do you missed them?” “No, no. I don’t belong to any Team Classic. I am not that far yet.” “That’s…so much…” “I’m sorry. I thought it doesn’t matter where I was or what I did before. I just wanted to do my job well. Tja… And now, I don’t have a job anymore.” “What will you do?” “I don’t know.” “Hey, it's half as bad, Doc. You've earned so much money. You just buy a pretty house on the beach and spend your remaining years of life there.” “Would not be a bad idea, if not two things would be against it. First, I'm not the type for a quiet life. And second…” The team looks at Hans expectantly. “I have no more money. It's now owned by your new Medic. After all, it’s lawful to him. I just earned it for him…” “So you are not only homeless but also poor? Mundy, can’t you let him live in your van?” “It’s okay. I'll manage it.” “How? You don’t even have money for a train ticket. Without train you are not able to leave.” “………” “We'll chip in for you. All together. I mean, we all earn good money. Each of us could give you half a million.” “Are you serious?” The whole team nods in agreement. Medic cannot help but smile. “I just need money for the train ticket, an apartment and food. I don't want to retire. I will look for a new job and earn my own money this time.” “Would you then agree with 50,000 dollars?” “Sounds good. Thank you very much. Only now I notice how much I will miss you.” “We will miss you too, Doc.” “Misha will miss Doctor very much.” Heavy takes Hans firmly in his arms. And suddenly everyone else does it too. Everyone puts his arms around the other. Scout even lays himself on the table to be part of the group embrace. Hans have to brace himself. Behind his eyes it starts to burn. They never saw him cry. No one ever saw him cry. “I um… have to pack my things and clean up Archimedes.” The Mercs reluctantly to let their Medic go. As soon as Medic is out of the room, Friedrich enters from the other side. He had now stored his things in his new bedroom and made himself familiar with the rest of the infirmary. When he had left, he came into a small passage room with a desk and a whiteboard on the wall above with the inscription: ‘This job has worked 0 days without an accident’. The 0 was very conspicuous for the strict German. But not for the reason that these idiots have managed their job 0 days without accidents, but because this number was more like an egg, crooked and oblique, and even get out of line. He just deleted the number with the rag and replaced it with a perfect 0 from a perfect hand movement. This team is not perfect. Friedrich had seen the cigarette butts and all the alcohol bottles. But that will change. A few days with him and in this base, order and discipline will prevail. But how should a team know discipline and order, if their own Medic is not better? “What's going on here?” Friedrich asks as he steps in and sees the Mercs standing together. “You have nothing to do?” “Shut up, old man! Who do you think you are?” The Dobermann dogs, who are sitting faithful on to the right and left side of their owners, begin to growl. “And your stupid curs are also annoying.” “Scout…” The dogs jump on all fours and growl even more menacing. “Leave it be, Scout.” Heavy puts a hand on Benjamin's shoulder and takes a few steps towards Friedrich. He had crossed his arms in front of his chest and looked unimpressed. “Why make trouble? Team can understand well with new Medic.” Suddenly there is this look of the German again. These look, which is intended only for Heavy. “I know you Russians… You just want trouble. I have lived under Russian servitude for many years. I know you inside out. And how do you speak at all? How long do you live in America now? Three years? Your English leaves a lot to be desired. Unsurprisingly. The Russian brain is clumsy and slow.” “Hey! Don't talk to Misha like that, geddit?” “Успокойся…” Suddenly it becomes quite still in the room. Friedrich looks at Heavy penetrating. And then he answers in Russian. The team can do nothing more than listen. Neither of them understand a word. But Heavy, and he looks surprised and a little hurt. Friedrich grins disgustingly. “Three years in America and still no good English. I have learned the Russian language within a year. Do not start a war with me. Neither in English, nor in Russian. I am sick of you Russians.” And with that, Friedrich turns round and goes. “Hey, Heavy. What did he say?” The Russian turns to the others. “Bad Doctor said, Misha is fat and stupid. And that he'll make my life a living hell.” “And what did you say before?” “That he should calm down. Nothing else.” “Such an asshole.” “But hey! Something good has it. Ya can now speak Russian with our new newcomer” Sniper tries to relax the situation a bit. “I don't want to talk to bad doctor! I hate dis doctor!” “That'll go off all right, boys. We have no choice but to manage with our new Medic in the future. Let's get the money. Medic… Hans will not stay with us for long.”

[madameezeroni]

Buttercup: Part One

Summary: The Walking Dead, OC

Characters: OC (Lily) Spencer Munroe,

Warning: Sexual Content, language

Word Count: 3700 ish ( Got away from me)

A/N: An Idea I had that I just ran with. Do have some pieces written for earlier in the season but fancied starting from this point. Next piece will be much more action based.

Lips trace my neck, dipping in every few seconds for another light kiss. It's feather touch, and begins to tickle. “Quit it.” The mattress slopes as he shuffles down, mouth now on my collar bone. “Spencer seriously, I'm on an early shift on the gate.”

“You can swap it though right?” He looks so eager, with that adorable puppy smile that I almost falter. “You want me to go knock about and ask right now?” He shrugs, and I mimic him in jest. “I'll have to do it naked but if it makes you happy...”

“Ha-Ha.” He drawls, looping his arm around me just as I sit up. “Fine, I'll give. You do your fun shift.”

“Oh, I will.” I declare, letting him squash me back against the mattress, “Me and Abraham.”

He scrunches his nose, and shakes his head slightly, “Guy still scares the heck out of me.” He kisses me again to stop me laughing at him. “He's a good guy.” I promise, “Even with the moustache.”

“What if I grew a moustache?” I smirk, and press my lips together, he notices my expression, “hey, what? It wouldn't be that bad!” The laugh bubbles in my throat and he groans, rolling off me and stealing the majority of the thin sheet. I give him a couple of seconds, “You fallen out with me?”

“Yep.” He's facing the other way, I slip under the sheet so I can grasp and cuddle up behind him, letting my hand trail. “Nothin' I can do to make you forgive me then?”

“Nothing.” The word falters as I reach my target and start gently moving my hand back and forth. I wait until I can tell he's somewhat close to his release and suddenly bring my hand back to my body. “Ah, Lil what the hell?”

I put on my sweetest voice, sugar plum sweet. “Well, you said you weren't going to forgive me.” I add the pout for extra measure, but still make sure my arms are placed in a way that somewhat empathises my breasts. It works, with Spencer it always works, and within a few seconds the feeling of his body against mine forces everything out from my head.

Abraham is already by the gate when I appears, the sky is still dark, stars glimmering overhead. I actually prefer such an early shift, it was ten to four when the battery powered alarm beside Spencer's bed went off and he murmured some goodbye as I dressed and slipped into his bathroom. I was spending more nights at his home now. That was for a mixture of reasons I supposed, he was alone in this place now, since Deanna had died in the attack. I filled some gap, stopped him feeling so lonely.

He was much the same for me. I had no issues in the house I was sharing with Carol, Tara, Sasha and Rosita. I liked them all very much, most of the time. We'd had nearly a month of this normality now, since the majority of the damage had been resolved. It was a little community again, so reminiscent of the prison at points I felt overwhelmed. Not by the place itself, but how many people were no longer with us.

That part didn't get easier.

Spencer distracted me, and he was nice, he was handsome. In the real world, before everything went to shit he would have been someone I would go for. Especially as the son of a congresswoman. I was thankful that sense of snobbery I'd held was gone. Everything was gone. The familiar shiver danced up my spine and I shook it away.

Lingering in the past was my problem, everyone else seemed to be able to detach themselves better, to move on and focus on the ahead when part of me seemed trapped behind. I wasn't as 'painfully damn optimistic' as Daryl had once moaned. I'm drifting, still half asleep and I quickly splash water on my face, I'd have a proper shower later. I brush my hair, even slap on some foundation and mascara. Normality had it's benefits and when I leave I look somewhat like someone I used to resemble. Of course when I slip a pistol and a knife into the belt around my hips that effect drops.

I'm a couple of minutes late. Abraham makes a coarse joke and laughs hard at my reaction. “Sorry Princess, don't wanna turn your stomach.” I start to climb the ladder to allow me onto the platform of the fence, placing me several feet above him. “Don't worry, your face does that to me anyway.” I miss his reaction but not his good natured chuckle. I didn't lie to Spencer, Abraham was intimidating as hell, but he was a good guy. He was also perfectly adapt to how life was now, killed easily and without thought. All instinct.

In a way I wasn't much different.

The next four hours move slowly, we pass comments back and forth, and I enjoy the sunrise as it breaks through the grey. That was another reason I liked this shift. Sasha and Father Gabriel appear once the small settlement is starting to wake and prepare to take our spaces. Abraham illuminates the moment he sees her and I feel that usual conflicting mix of emotions at how that is going, considering Rosita as a close friend. I dawdle on the way back, debating between heading back to mine or to Spencer's. He'll be awake now, I try to remember where he'll be for the majority of the day but it hasn't stuck. That's part of the problem, there's nothing significant there, I don't think there ever will be.

“Lily.” I spin on my heels, and can't help the wide smile that greets the young man in front of me. “Hey Judith.” I croon to his sibling, her hair catching the light in a halo. “Can you do me a massive favour?” I lift a brow, but accept Judith with no argument. “Sorry, Enid looks upset and I wanna speak to her, don't want her going off without me.” He's fumbled, said a little too much, but Carl knows I won't say anything about their trips outside. At least not whilst I know he can handle himself.

“Sure, no problem Carl.” He smiles, with the curve lifting the bandage that decorates almost half of his face now. What was left of his eye had healed, and we'd gotten over the awkward nature of him re-learning balance, depth perception. “Is your Dad up yet?

Carl nods, yawning loudly into his wrist. “He went to go see Morgan and Daryl. They're planning another run.”

“Oh yeah, of course they are.” I shift Judith on my hip and she starts tugging on a chunk of my hair. “Right, I'll be around then, probably at yours with little'un.”

“Thanks Lil, I'll see you in a bit, yeah?” I send him away after a couple more 'yeahs' and Judith whines. “He won't be long.” I promise, and her head tilts as if she has any idea what I mean. I giggle at her, “Come on missy, lets find something to do.” On the way back we pass Glenn and Maggie's house and I wave as he appears, looking typically dishevelled.

“You on babysitting today?” I draw to a pause near the steps and he plops himself on the top one, his yawn almost as fierce as Carl's. “Stop yawning, you're all making me tired.”

He smirks at me in response and I scowl, pulling a face. “I don't need that look Rhee.”

“Mmm, cause you're little Miss Innocent.”

“Of course.” I declare, “Isn't that right Judith?” She babbles in response, trying to cram my hair into her mouth. “Sure, sure.” He yawns again and this time I can't stop myself. “You were on the fence early right?”

“Nice and early.” I confirm.

“Didn't come back home last night though did you? I came looking for you.” I shrug, and he meets my eyes quickly, “Is it getting serious with you two?” I giggle.

“Why, would you like to sit him down and make him ask your permission?

“I'll do my best Italian accent.” We both chuckle. “You like him though, don't you?”

“I'm not exactly overwhelmed with choice.” I lower my voice a little, my words aren't very kind. He rolls his eyes at me, accompanied by a tiny head shake. “He's a good guy.”

“Yes, I know.” Since he had realised where I was sneaking off to weeks ago Glenn had morphed into some awful match maker. “I don't need the speech. Save it.”

“You can't complain about me wanting you to be happy.”

“Sorry Dad.”

“Prh...Fuck off. I'm barely a year older than you.”

“Don't swear in front of the baby.” He huffs, moves down a step so he's next to us. “I am very sorry Judith.” He looks like he's praying, head bowed to her.

She reaches for him and I let him take her, she settles easily with her back against his chest. “I think she forgives you.” We sit in that familiar and comfortable silence, his knee hitting against mine until Judith starts whining. “Think she's hungry?”

“I dunno. They would have fed her when she woke up but she could be hungry again? I'm not sure. I can't read her like Beth could, don't have the gift.” I mention Beth's name casually, and its only a split second before the pain that always follows it happens. It stabs, deep in my chest. Glenn checks behind him, as if Maggie would appear and overhear. “Sorry.” I mutter, blinking away the tears the blur my vision. He rests his free hand on my shoulder, gently fiddling with a curl. “I miss her.” He says frankly, before returning his hand and letting Judith catch it. “I miss all of them.”

I can only nod, my throat is a lump. I swallow hard, “Me too.” I have to shake the shiver away again, “But we're in a real good position. We're strong, we've got good people.” The words are true, but the optimism isn't. He smiles anyway, “Yeah, we are. We're okay.”

Judith lets out a louder cry as if to disagree with the point. “I'm gunna head to Rick's and see what formula there is. Pass her back.”

He shakes his head, “I got time to kill, I'll come with you.”

“Suit yourself,” I sing, eager to lift the tone “I'll put you on diaper duty as well if you want.” His face is all the answer I need and I laugh loudly, letting us into Rick's house. There's no locked doors in Alexandria, and half way through spooning some weird chicken baby food into Judith's mouth Michonne appears. She has the third bedroom in this home. “Where's Carl?”

“With Enid, said she looked upset.”

“Ah.” She gave a knowing smile and Glenn smirked. “You don't say anything.” She warned him, “Your new status as a relationship guru does not impress me.”

“How much have you been moaning about me?” He spins, leaning on the counter to playfully glare at me. “Enough.” Michonne adds, digging through the cupboard for some cereal. “What?”

“Nothin'. Getting me in trouble is all.”

“I don't think either of you need me for that.” She retorts, Glenn nods, pouting. Once again I pull a face, and we sink into jokes and the usual chatter. Michonne was a completely different person to when we had first met her, she was warm now, still deadly but approachable, easy and kind. I certainly hadn't missed the growing spark between her and our dear Sheriff either, but Glenn had told me I was talking rubbish so I'd held mum on that. I remained silent on a lot of things regarding Rick.

There's several sharp raps at the door. Odd in itself but Michonne treads that way, “Oh, Spencer...”

“Is Lily here?” She nods and opens the door wider, he comes in in three long strides. “I need to talk to you.” Anxiety bubbles instantly in my stomach, he looks unhappy. More than that, he looks downright pissed off. “You okay?” I'm already walking towards him, and his hand rests on my lower back as he steers me out of the house.

He obviously wants to remain quiet until we reach him home but about half way there, after him refusing to answer me several time he all but snarls at me, “Did you fuck my brother?” I stop dead,

“What?”

He scoffs instead now, still keeping his voice low. “I've just had the loveliest little chat with Carol. Now, I knew, I knew  that you and her and some of the others were putting on a little act when you got here. I get that, I don't like it but I get it.” He pauses and I open my mouth but there's nothing I can say, “But then, she tells me that Aiden was your...your...target, your way in and you were fucking him pretty much from the moment you got here. Is that true?”

I'm dumbfounded, not just by how reaction but the simple fact that Carol would have said something. We had had our differences sure, not always got along but I had done it for Carol. I'd listened to her. “Is it goddamn true Lily?” He's sweating, a vein bulging on the left side of his throat. “I...” My voice croaks, I feel close to tears again.

“Jesus fucking Christ.” He takes several steps away but them returns to me. I don't want this, the argument; him mad at me but I especially don't want it in the street with Sasha watching from afar and a bemused Glenn appearing on Rick's porch. “Not here.” I manage, going to catch his hand, “I can explain.”

“Explain that? Is that what this is?” He gestures fiercely between us both, “What exactly do you need or want from me? And what was it, my brother dies so here I am, second best - I'll starting fucking about with the other one.”

“No it's...”

“It's what? What exactly is it? That you're just some manipulative little slut who...” His voice has lifted, he notices and slams his mouth shut. It's so quiet around here any noise carries and I know full well if I follow his eye line behind me Glenn will have started down the steps. I take a few shallow breaths to try and compose myself, not to rise to it. Instead I walk past him, into his house and slam myself onto the couch.

He follows, but stands, pacing around the coffee table. He doesn't speak, he wants me to, to deny what Carol has said, to somehow make it better. I can't, it's true. “When Aaron found us and we were on the way we were worried, about being with a group and not knowing the you all.” My voice sounds pathetic, on the verge of crumbling, “She said a few of us should just act...normal, I mean with people like Daryl and Abraham we were already intimidating. We wanted you all to let us stay. Carol played her little feeble Mum part and I was just supposed to be...”

He makes a noise I ignore. “I was supposed to be what I used to be like basically. Pretend I cant shoot a gun, that I need protecting, act sweet and girly all that shit. When we got here we kept it up, but we needed to know if we could trust you and Carol suggested...”

“Carol suggested you open your legs for the top dog.” It's a statement said simply, which somehow makes it hurt all the more. “Is that what you are? Is that how damn mindless you are?” I swallow again, purposefully looking at his mid section and not up to his face. “Who's telling you to be with me then? Whose genius plan is that?”

“It's not... no-one. I'm not doing that any more, I haven't done anything like that with you. I swear.”

“Not that you'd admit at least.”

“Spencer...” He's facing the grand fire place now, looking at the pictures of his family. “I thought this could'a been something, you know.”

“It is.” I stand now, although my hands are shaking and come up behind. I don't touch him, scared he'll flinch away. The anger seems to have passed now, and for all my bravado about not really caring the idea of him hating me is a dagger. He shakes his head, sensing my presence, “No it's not. I was trying to fool myself, pretend it coulda' been. It's not though. I'm just a stop gap until something better comes along for you.” He looks at me, and his expression is cruel, “Or maybe you're just waiting for something to split up Glenn and Maggie so you can finally have him to yourself.”

“Don't be stupid.” I snap back.

“Well, I fell for you so I guess I am.” His features settle back into their usual pleasantry, although the smile is forced and so are his words. “Any shit you got here I want you to take back.”

“Spencer...”

“This isn't anything. I don't even...” He runs a hand over his face, “Just leave Lil, grab your stuff and go home.” I repeat his name again but he's stone and I know that's it. There's no changing this and there is certainly no going back. I do as he says. I head up the stairs, cursing him under my breath, cursing the stupid tears that have escaped and the tightness of my chest. I grab my clothes, bits of make-up. I'm in too much of a hurry now to properly look around and snatch it up, scrunching them in my arms. I practically run down the stairs and the hallway, not pausing even when I hear him speak. It's busier outside now, it's past ten am and even those who sleep in are starting to make use of the day.

Rosita stares at me aghast, but I'm already past her and into the room Tara and I share, for the time being at least – she was planning on moving in with Denise. Tara isn't here, she’s on a two day run and I'm thankful. I chuck the stuff on my perfectly made, barely used bed and sit numbly on the edge. I can hear the murmur of Glenn speaking to Rosita downstairs, and head back to the door, locking it and wincing at how loud the click of metal is.

They don't knock, they know me better like that. I need time.

I give myself an hour. Scrub myself in the shower so I no longer smell like him, let my upset turn to anger. Aimed at three people, Spencer, Carol and myself. I spend a while on my hair and make-up, it's not for any purpose other than letting him know I'm okay with this. I will be polite, I will be cool and calm. I'm not showing anyone that I'm upset, I won't do that.

Another hour passes, I make a decision, it's probably stupid but suddenly its suffocating in here. I want to go on a walk, not just around Alexandria where news will have spread and everyone will be looking at me. Those who know about Aiden and those who will just be finding out. They can think what they like. I doubt they could be more disgusted at themselves than I am.

I want to leave Alexandria, just for a few hours. Where I can't think about it, I'll have to focus. I can check out a few places we had on our list, a pharmacy, a kids store. I need to get out of here. I don't announce this to anyone, they'd just talk me out of it, or worse come with me. Glenn would offer, but I don't need his sympathy. I dress not for Alexandria but the outside world. Thick jeans, heavy but comfortable boots. I pull on a long sleeved shirt, slipping a denim jacket over it just in-case it gets chilly later. I grab my holster, strap a pistol to my thigh and thread through a belt with spaces cut for knives. I'll have to go to the armoury before I leave.

I grab a big backpack, leaving it mostly empty for anything useful. When I leave my room I hover but can't hear anyone. So I go straight to the kitchen, chuck in a bottle of water, some food, a torch.

Using the back door may take a little longer but I know it will be less bother and I only see Morgan who smiles but doesn't say anything. The armoury is open so I grab three knives and shove them into my belt. Another gets slotted into the side pocket of my bag. “You're not on a run are you?” Olivia makes me jump, doing her weekly intake of what was in storage, weapon and food wise. “Just sorting something out.”

She doesn't buy it but I don't give her time, striding out the front and towards the gate. Eugene stands there now, Rosita up on the platform. She frowns when she sees me, “What are you doing?”

I ignore her, “Open the gate please Eugene.”

“I don't have any runs on my schedule that would require me to open the gate.” He says in his plain talking way. “Well, add one. I need to go.”

“Don't do it Eugene.” Rosita demands, glaring down at me. “You stupid? Don't go out there alone and upset, you'll do something dumb.”

“Just want a walk.” I insist and she raises both brows.

“Sure you do.”

“Yes, I do. Gate please Eugene.” He's looking between us both again and I huff, slipping around him and doing it myself. “For fuck sa-” Rosita is making her way down so I start past the dirty cars. “Lily, don't be an idiot!”